UBT: “You’re nobody’s muse.”

Stupid Shit Cheaters Say still surprises me. Sure 99.9 percent of it is trite and well-tred cheater speak, but every now and then a nugget of pure mendacity stands out. A nugget like — “You’re nobody’s muse.”

Oh hey, I’m sorry Cheater. Yes, I’m not a daughter of Zeus. Was I supposed to inspire you to greater feats of creativity and failed? Here’s a creative suggestion — go fuck yourself with a hot glue gun.

Chumps just can’t win the sparkles sweepstakes. Forever cast as the Obstacle to Happiness, muse status is conferred upon affair partners instead. Sure, you might serve some sort of purpose, but fuck buddies make better kibbles.

“Nobody’s muse” came from “ChicagoRefugee” who, after 25 years of marriage failed to divinely inspire. She writes, “The OW is not only young enough to be my daughter, she’s a New Age ‘energy’ froot loop.” I thought I’d put Chicago’s SSCS submissions through the Universal Bullshit Translator.

“I’m learning to be emotionally healthy with her. She’s like a muse to me.”

I think it is emotionally healthy to expect relationships with mythical creatures. You’re an actual person with needs. She’s an other-worldly being.

I’m not a fuckwit abandoning his family of 25 years — I’m “emotionally healthy.” Or learning to be. The fuckwit thing comes naturally.

“You’re just jealous because you’re nobody’s Muse.”

I’m sorry you can’t be Helen of Troy. No one will ever launch a thousand ships for you or start wars in your honor. That makes me sad for you. Doomed ordinary mortal, try to contain your jealousy. We can’t all be Gods.

It’s not what I did (cheat, lie), it’s what you are (imperfect).

“She said I was a creative genius, ‘the complete package.'”

Kibbles, kibbles, kibbles, I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE KIBBLES!

All it takes for me to toss out my family is to call me a “creative genius.” If abandonment was creativity, I could write entire symphonies.

Yes, I am a package. Complete the way bricks are shy of load, or picnics are missing a few sandwiches. (Contents may shift due to shipping.) But trust that I am awesome and you are not.

“According to her, I have powerful enough energy to be a shaman.”

You may see divorce lawyers, but I will ward them off with my powerful shaman energy! Your financial discovery process is no match for me, Attorney! BEHOLD MY MAGIC CRYSTAL!

“You need to get your shit together, then maybe we can meet again on the other side of this.”

Um, if my magic, creative genius powers don’t last with the Muse, you’ll still be Plan B, right? Right???

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WhoamInow
WhoamInow
7 years ago

Thank you CL for my first laugh of the day. Sad that I can see my ex in those words but your UBT is spot on as always – thank goodness I can say EX these days.

NeverLookingBack
NeverLookingBack
7 years ago
Reply to  WhoamInow

I see mr EX too except schmoopie was “his best friend” & he “put her on a pedestal.”

Cheaters really do read from the same script

Hahs good to lol.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  WhoamInow

Those may not be my STBX’s exact words, but the gist was the same. Although, I will say that Chicago’s SSCS definitely had a creative twist. No matter how they are phrased, they are aimed at trying to inflict hurt on the chump and make him/her feel unworthy and to blame for the failure of the marriage.

The version I got was “You do not know me this past year. I am happy. I drank because I was not happy. I did not come home because I was not happy. I cheated because I was not happy. I lied because I didn’t want to add insult to injury. I am a better person than I was. I put OW before anything and everything else. I am sorry things did not work out. I hope we can find a way to get along.” Blah, blah, blah

Meanwhile, he skips out on 90% of his parenting time, devalues his business, and tries to hide income by hiring his girlfriend as his first ever employee since owning his business (he started it in 1999). And he continues to send me verbally abusive texts at least twice a month.

Yeah…you are much improved.

Dragonlady
Dragonlady
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Yup mine is on number two “Muse”. And I got the whole unhappy speel almost word for word as above. He keeps using the word “soulmate”. I have to giggle because he has called all of the woman he has been involved with his Soulmate. Including me. I have asked him how many “Soulmates” one can have in a lifetime, response is crickets!!!

I’m grateful I haven’t lost my sense of humour.

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
7 years ago
Reply to  Dragonlady

It you have no soul, how can you have a soulmate?

FMT
FMT
7 years ago
Reply to  Dragonlady

The word “soulmate” has become one of my biggest red flags in navigating the dating scene. Anyone who uses it doesn’t hear back from me. ☺

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Mine said immediately after discovery, “I deserve to be happy.”

What do I deserve? To be lied to, misled, deceived, withheld from affection. To give up my career and take care of our daughter so you could pursue yours and have affair after affair?

I know I am better off without him and honestly I don’t miss HIM. I miss the sense of family. But I am STUCK IN REGRET. Regret for losing my adult life to this amuck. Regret for giving up my career. Regret for losing my identity. Regret for putting up with a marriage that wasn’t meeting my needs.

nevermore
nevermore
7 years ago
Reply to  Giddy Eagle

My loserX spent about $5,000 dollars for his day in court, only to have the judge tell him to shut up. She was a tough old bird and she knew a psychopath when she was one. I paid to park my car and God knows it was worth every penny and the cost of gas. Funny what $20 bucks will get you when you need a laugh.

nevermore
nevermore
7 years ago
Reply to  nevermore

Oops- I meant when she saw one. She wasn’t one. Not so good at typing today.

Mom9193
Mom9193
7 years ago
Reply to  Giddy Eagle

GE —-

30 years in and I felt the same way you do… It does get better and since mine remarried recently to his college GF, I feel released and no longer stuck. Yes it sucks that I spent so many years in his orbit and catering to his every whim because I thought I needed to do that to be happy, but we have two lovely girls and they are my best buds. He’s missing out on their 20’s because of wifey as they want nothing to do with either one of them. Someday he’ll realize that he’s still not happy… living back home with “Mother and Father” and wifey on a farm in the middle of nowhere while working at a second rate job. He’s scrambling to make ends meet and look successful, but twu luv must realize in her soul-less brain that he’s a fraud and not the successful man he pretends to be.

As for me, I’m happy! And nowadays when I don’t want to do something or go some place, I just say no. I am the only one I have to answer to and it’s refreshing!

Feelingit
Feelingit
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

They even lie to themselves! So relate to your post!

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
7 years ago

I’ve found the ideal product for the ex non-muse of a would be shamancomment image

ChumpSaidBuhBye
ChumpSaidBuhBye
7 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

I want those so bad! I’m a New Age philosophy follower and my motto is “Do no harm, but take no shit”.

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
7 years ago

Like that!!

UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
7 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

Thank you so very much! As the chump aka ChicagoRefugee, I NEED those for dealing with my STBX and his schmoopie whore, who moved out of her (2nd) hubbie’s house the very day I signed the lease on my new apartment.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
7 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

Ha ha ha!!!! Crystal brass knuckles!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

Bwah ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa! OMG this is a great start to a thread!!!!!

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

LMAO

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
7 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

Those are AWESOME!

Bet they would do a number on unicorns, too…

JC
JC
7 years ago

This is fucking obnoxious, and frankly, deluded.

“Energy to be a shaman.” Give me a fucking break! Apparently, your man doesn’t even have enough power to avoid sticking his dick in this bullshit. He’s powerless. Feeble. Like a moth to a flame…or one of those outdoor bug lights.

Zap!!!

UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

Not my man. Not anymore.

And thanks to this place I can finally say “Thank goodness!”

violet
violet
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

That one had me rolling on the floor! Talk about stupid shit cheaters say, this tidbit definitely makes the top ten. Enough energy to be a shaman? How about enough gullibility to buy her new age bullshit? Or enough money to make sure she doesn’t have to work? She is basically comparing him to a priest, but he certainly doesn’t appear to have the moral fiber for that responsibility.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

Haha ” Energy to be a shaman”. Must also have tiger blood. #Winning

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

Exactly! This guy is just as delusional as Charlie.

Arnold
Arnold
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Well, the really sad thing, or weird thing or whatever, is that these cheating assholes that spew this shit are so fucking dumb that they are not even embarrassed when they say stuff like this.
I have often thought that one of the big impediments to reconciliation, in addition to realizing you married a sociopath, is the realization that your spouse is an embarrassingly dumb person.
I mean who could ever have any type of respect again, for someone that is this fucking stupid.
Most of us, probably all of us, would choke and cringe before we could get something like ” I am a fucking shaman” out of our mouths.
I can relate to this as this is the type of new age garbage my first wife would spew and I was always embarrassed by it, even before I found she was serially cheating.

UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

He.Sees.Auras.

*head/desk*

JJ
JJ
7 years ago

My ex doesn’t see auras, but he feels energy. Seems he thought he was a shit-hot empath – shame he wasn’t a good enough empath to notice that the girl (half my age) he left me for wasn’t in love with him and all the running away with her to Mongolia to worship the Lords of the Mountain was all in his imagination…

He thought she was a shit-hot empath too, surprising that in the horrendous 6 months before he left, she didn’t notice that he was infatuated by her…

UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

I feel you, as the kids say.

Knew he wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I always thought that he was loyal. Heavens knows that he claimed loyalty as a basic character trait of his often enough.

Who knew that was all just … what’s the opposite of projection? Appropriation? Personal appropriation of my character traits. *face/palm*

Dee
Dee
7 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

A thousand times – yes! Now that I’m not there to temper his decision-making and fix resulting mistakes, I can see that ex makes such DUMB decisions on his own (and it’s times two with Schmoopie). His bizarre thought processes don’t even make sense to others. My teenage kids and I are often left scratching our heads… I’m so glad I’m not responsible for him anymore.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
7 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

I wish my STBX were more embarrassingly stupid, but he is too good at image management. He would never say dumb stuff like the guy in this article. It irritates me that he is so good at impressing people. On the surface he seems like a rational decent person and in all fairness he is a generally competent and hard working person, but underneath it all his mind is twisted. I used to tell people that the only fault he had was that he was nearly perfect which meant that he couldn’t understand the rest of us who aren’t. I spent years trying to keep up with him and live up to his standards. Obviously I failed, but it irritates me that he hasn’t yet figured out that Schmoopie isn’t perfect either. Someday he will, however. That’s his pattern. I am not the first person he has discarded even if I am the first discarded wife.

Meanwhile, in spite of outward appearances, he is still stupid in his own way. He doesn’t know how to think long term. He acts in the moment driven completely by his emotions. He doesn’t stop to think about how his actions (be it spending, having an affair, quitting his job, etc.) might impact his future or the future of the people close to him. He thinks she “cares” about him when she has never really done anything meaningful to improve his life. Meanwhile he thinks I didn’t love him because after 25 years together I failed to live up to his standards. Obviously if I really loved him I would have tried harder. Now I feel foolish for ever having tried to do the impossible at all.

brit
brit
7 years ago

I was married to Mr. Perfect, (in his eyes) he couldn’t understand why the rest of the world wasn’t more like himself.
I spent my life trying to meet his standards.
As perfect as he claimed to be he occasionally said stupid things.
Here’s one that immediately came to mind, something I don’t think I’ll ever forget.

“Brit, you’re no June Cleaver.”

Yes, he actually said that.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

STBX wanted a cross between June Cleaver and Glam Girl and instead he got me. Poor baby.

Mom9193
Mom9193
7 years ago

^^^^THIS^^^

The Chump struggle is real
The Chump struggle is real
7 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

“..s the realization that your spouse is an embarrassingly dumb person.”

This Arnold!! A thousand times, THIS!

I always give this disclaimer before divulging my cheater story; that I’m embarrassed to have married such an idiot.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago

The Limited never called her his soulmate. He FOUND someone. During my evidence seeking I found a note calling her a Dream Girl.

He is definitely an embarrassment and quite dumb. He ‘found’his match.

The day I met her and she went. crazy swearing and belittling me in a crowded place I simply said, “That’s a Dream Girl? What an embarrassment.”

Just disturbingly dumb to the core.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
7 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Arnold, I totally get it. My ex spouted such astoundingly stupid, delusional and narcissistic bullshit during our separation and divorce, I almost feel embarrassed for him when I look back. Of course, he truly believed all that nonsense, and still does, so no point in my wasting time on emotions for any of the past. And I cannot even count all the times he embarrassed me during our marriage with his over-the-top bids for attention. His new GF is welcome to him.

Pearshaped
Pearshaped
7 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Gotta admit, GIO, I thought this might be about your ex when I read it this morning!

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago

Shaman. My UBT hasn’t woken up yet today, I cant even.

Chump can never compare with the admiring protege…its best we don’t try.

My nowdeadcheater was sure I was keeping him from being a professional mountain climber…if I hadnt wrecked his fun (and God hadnt called him off Earth) they could have met up under the strings of prayer flags in Nepal and discussed their awesomeness.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Maybe God called your “nowdeadcheater” back from earth so he could spend eternity trying to “climb up” from the 8th level of Hell…

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicornnomore, how I love the “nowdeadcheater” address. Although I would prefer mine to live long so he could go on chasing the elusive love and find himself constantly unhappy, the other alternative would have saved me huge headaches with co-parenting with the fuckwit across the ocean.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

You can’t imagine the number of times I wished he were here to accept the fallout of his actions, but you guys have taught me there is no accountability with these people… they go off deluded into the sunset leaving destruction in their paths.

UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Strangely enough, I read that as “leaving destruction in their PANTS,” lol!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I just can’t get over how “universal” these idiots are. My cheater’s latest OW (also young enough to be my daughter and who has FOUR teenagers by THREE different men) was in awe that he managed to climb Mount Roraima. I found a cute little letter written on artisanal paper with hearts and arrows decorating it about how her heart was so tiny and squeezed in fear that he would not make it back and how proud she was of his strength and courage and how good this feat was for his wellbeing.
Barf!
In the mean time the bank has been calling MY phone daily since last week about missed payments on his fancy 4X4 jeep, essential to his wellbeing and image, plus the imported mini cooper that costs a fortune to maintain, he is lying to the judge about the origin of his debts. Cheater blames his children, which makes me so damn angry and disgusted; he wants me to split these debts with him because “they were made for the good of the family”…

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
7 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

“he wants me to split these debts with him because “they were made for the good of the family”…”

During divorce proceedings, I got an email from ex saying he owed the IRS $9K in taxes and penalties because he had cleared out his 401K. He wanted me to re-file my taxes and go joint with him so I could pay half. He wrote that this “would be in all of our best interests” and if I refused, he “did not see how he could pay child support.” Needless to say, I refused. Just couldn’t figure out how that would be in my “best interests,” LOL. As far as I know, he still owes that money to the IRS. To say nothing of the $24K he owes me in child support arrears.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Let me guess…you were the one who managed the money in your marriage?

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

OMG– the money spent for “the good of the family!!!!” My X pulled that bs at trial — the Judge saw right through it– $3500 a month on bar tabs, $5,000 a month for whore’s apt?????? Trips with whore to Italy, Cabo, Vegas?????? All while he was hiding from our 4 kids for a year?????? Yeah right!

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago

Glad to hear that the judge saw through it. Same crap I am dealing with. Getting divorced is taking forever and my hope (and a stack of binders documenting his spending) is that our judge will see through it too.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

If you look at a “Men’s Outdoor Adventurer” sort of magazine, you won’t see any needy aging parents being taken for chemo or 8 yet olds being driven by a loving dad to the dentist or a wife laid up with a bad gallbladder, no it’s all lone 40 yr old men with nice keeps and nice watches and nice golf clubs…narc paradise. Nowdeadcheater bought a brand new X-terra 4×4 and put his golf clubs and new bike in it when he drove away… fuckingasshole. I went to Mass and wept and wailed and begged God for help. oh I used to call his SUV “The Scrotumobile”.

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Scrotumobile. I like that. Mine hated that I wouldn’t let him get a new car every theee years. He went out and bought a $65k Chevy Tahoe before we even filed for separation. Yes a single man needs a massive truck to drive around his small mountain town and make weekly trips to the airport.

Now he’s moaning about how “unattainable” our support agreement is while he’s choaking down $1,000/mo car payments.

But he looks like the successful divorced man and it’s all about image. Too bad he doesn’t see reality in the mirror. HE Looks like shit.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Jeeps, not keeps

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

They do not live in reality

12YearsWasted
12YearsWasted
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Mine yearned for so many years to be a pilot. He dreams of flying through the skies. I’m sure I somehow kept him from achieving that dream. What with my controlling of all the family finances (since he had a tendency to go into horrible debt when he was in charge, as he is currently doing now that he’s off leash). I mean, flying lessons aren’t cheap – and we can’t afford an airplane like his Daddy could when he was a boy (Daddy is also a cheating narcissist who likes to rack up debt….oh if only the cliche’s weren’t all true…) I wish he’d fly to Timbuktu.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
7 years ago
Reply to  12YearsWasted

I did encourage my STBXs flying. I let him spend the money to become a pilot. When he later decided to quit his $200,000/yr job because it didn’t make him happy and he would rather work towards his goal of becoming a flight instructor I let him do that and then encouraged him to keep up with the flying in an around being SAHD so that he could in fact become a flight instructor which he eventually did.

So how did he thank me for all of that understanding, support and willingness to live on a tight budget? He had two affairs and left me for affair partner #2 because he didn’t believe that I loved him.

It doesn’t matter what we do or don’t do, they are going to shit on us anyway. There is always another excuse.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
7 years ago

Oh yes, and I let him cash in a life insurance policy to buy the airplane too. Cost a bundle to maintain even when not flown.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago

So true, Chumpinrecovery. There is absolutely no choice or action that we could have done to demonstrate our love for them that they would have recognized as such. Bottom line, they are not capable of feeling something like gratitude (or any other emotion for that matter). They are empty shells who only see themselves and blame everyone else for anything that they feel deprived of.

Better Alone
Better Alone
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

That’s why I love you Chump Lady!! Always the right, snarky and funny as hell retort! LOL

donna
donna
7 years ago
Reply to  Better Alone

I kept mine from going to California to be a surfer. In all the years we went to the beach he NEVER went in the water.

Sasanka
Sasanka
7 years ago
Reply to  donna

I kept mine from being FAMOUS. When I tried to reason with him that he does need to get at least a little job for us to survive, he would tell me to ‘be quiet’ and look good when he is someday on TV with the city mayor, and other politicians.
I did not know about sociopaths and their delusions…so I thought he might be mentally ill..
Two years out of it, and my grandiose narcissist is living with mommy, owing three months on rent prior to being evicted, and 7 months of his super minimal child support. The imputed income is less than a teenager working part time at a coffee shop.
Divorce is almost final. It is stuck on him not being able to go see the lawyer, since he cannot afford him. His lawyer will explain to him that jokes are over and there is something called Family Responsibility Office. They have this weird obsession about insisting that fathers pay support, like, the first of every month, to the point of canceling their drivers licence, confiscating their financed brand new sports car and even arresting him! This loser is about to discover the real world. This, and the fact he is no longer my problem is my sweet karma bus coming round! He will get nasty and bully me to withdraw the FRO, but I will not, of course. They are unreal.

Lady B
Lady B
7 years ago
Reply to  Sasanka

What a douche!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
7 years ago
Reply to  donna

Mine said I prevented him from becoming a famous actor, which was his destiny, because of something I did in the 90s. I have no idea what that “something” was, maybe I told him we didn’t have enough money for an expensive acting class.

Lady B
Lady B
7 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Mine was a drummer who never made it but pissed his twenties away when he should have been focusing on his passion, seriously the ship has sailed too late. Reality bites.

Blown Away
Blown Away
7 years ago
Reply to  donna

Among a myriad of many things, they are just delusional!

Creativerational
Creativerational
7 years ago

“Once you fix you and she fixes me it will be divine Mmmmkay?”

My wreckage and rubble might be your fault but it is my own. Me and my rubble will be just fine on our own.

AuntieMame
AuntieMame
7 years ago

Someone wanted his own Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Idiots.

Ugh no...
Ugh no...
7 years ago
Reply to  AuntieMame

I love the manic pixie dream girl trope. My ex ran off with the textbook visual of this. She even had the ukulele.

AuntieMame
AuntieMame
7 years ago
Reply to  Ugh no...

Omg a ukulele?! It wound be funny if it weren’t so sad and desperate!

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  AuntieMame

Hey, don’t knock the ukeleles! It’s not their fault!

ddame23
ddame23
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

My Ex’s smoopie’s social media handle was a variant of manic pixie dream girl. She was his high school student and after graduation, apparently “seduced” him into a 10 month long relationship, complete with him “sleeping over” at her college dorm, adn his declarations that he just wants to be a teenager again.

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
7 years ago
Reply to  ddame23

Don’t we all?? (Want to be a teenager again?). Those of us living in the real world recognize the difference between fantasy and reality.

JC
JC
7 years ago
Reply to  Ugh no...

My ex WAS this…sometimes.

And I admit that I fell for the sparkles, although they faded over time.

Eventually, real life and reponsibilties had to be addressed, and she sucked at that. Not totally irresponsible, but just constant complaining about the drudgeries of life that are actually just day-to-day living for everyone.

And although she had some creative abilities, she saw herself as FAR more artistic than she was. And she romaticized an artist’s life…just as long as it didn’t contradict her expensive tastes.

So, she found someone else to be “wowed” by her sparkles, and he swallowed the bait.

Welcome to the club, sucka!

Free Vix
Free Vix
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

Why yes, making photo collages in commercial frames is *so* hip and creative. LOOK! It even has a rock and a dead flower glued in there! Pure creative genius.

AuntieMame
AuntieMame
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

Well yes that’s it. The MPDG is usually not the long term relationship type. She wants sparkles and love and none of the day to day stuff.

And I always say this. There’s nothing wrong with that. Not everyone was built for monogamy or long term commitments. The wrong part is pretending that you are, so you have a safety net, and hurting other people.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
7 years ago

“Go fuck yourself with a hot glue gun.”
FOR.THE.WIN. (“Agin”)
AWESOME CL!
Sometimes potty mouth just feels sooo good!
Thank you! You are the BEST!

cashmere
cashmere
7 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

That was my favorite line, too. Extra points for the hint of craftiness. Snort.

beverly
beverly
7 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

+1 my morning laugh

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Glue guns are the new duct tape.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Right on Tempest!
A step up from gorilla glue also, hotter!

Ugh no...
Ugh no...
7 years ago

I think sometimes that if you repeat the phrase “you are a creative genius” suddenly thousands of failed writers, musicians, actors and tap dancers appear miraculously on your front stoop.
Also, Helen of Troy eventually morphs into Medusa after a few years of real life tribulations.

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
7 years ago
Reply to  Ugh no...

Helen of Troy – did not exactly ask for all those ships. She was kidnapped/ran off with her new lover. If (first hubs) Agamemnon had read Chump Lady, those ships (and even Achilles) would have been much better off.

Just think of the blog he could have started…

maritimechump
maritimechump
7 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

Menelaus was Helen of Troy’s husband. Agamemnon was his brother, whom he went crying to and who used Helen as an excuse to invade Troy. You see, Troy was doing much, much better than Athens (Agamemnon ruled Athens) and Aggy didn’t like Troy cutting into his profits that way. Also, Menelaus was King of Sparta only through Helen, who was the heir to the throne.

Not so terribly romantic once the root causes are known, eh?

The things you learn during Myths and Legends class! LOL

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
7 years ago
Reply to  maritimechump

Thanks for the refresher!

Ugh no...
Ugh no...
7 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

Agamemnon tries no contact–naval fleet breathes sigh of relief.

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
7 years ago
Reply to  Ugh no...

While Cassandra wakes up from a refreshing sleep with an idea for a line of athleisure wear

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

LOL!

UnchumpingMyself
UnchumpingMyself
7 years ago

Ahahahahahahaha. This was hilarious. Thanks CL. Reminded me how ex told me – and he was almost teary with emotion – how Schmoopie said that he was “the man of her life”. So glad I am over with the pain and that piece of garbage.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

Infatuation turns grown ups into middle schoolers … we should probably not let them drive.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

😉

Newlady15
Newlady15
7 years ago

Not one fruit loop–two! That is all

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
7 years ago

My first cheater followed his dick to the first pussy which made him feel like he was way more than the barely competent person he was. She was newly homeless and deep in addiction. “Wow, you have a car – you could be a shaman! Let’s go to your place”

And he fell for it – right out of our marriage.

Looser

Cocovoe
Cocovoe
7 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

Ex rescued his true love from her bad marriage. He co-signed for her car, let her move in so she could start her catering business from his house. He told me it wasn’t sexually with her (just ignore the nude photos exchanged) but a mental connection. He said they had connected mentally, she understood him and she needed him!

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

?

Luziana
Luziana
7 years ago

Marriage is sometimes hard. And boring. We were all fresh and sparkly once. The Cheater never seems to remember that we ALL descend into the mundanity of nonShamanness.

Hey Shaman! If you have so much energy why is your ass always on my couch texting the Sluterus? I mean, playing Candy Crush? If you are busy inspiring monuments why do I have to look at the sebaceous cyst on your ballsack you can’t see because of your floppy panniculum?

Give it a few years, non Muse. Being a muse is hard. From where I sit it involves mostly dealing with the ravages of time by moving into a series of shitter and shitter apartments closer to the airport.

I’d rather have someone inspired to mow the goddamn lawn, take the daughter to Viola lessons or write a mortgage check.

But that’s just me. Boring.

QueenMother
QueenMother
7 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Did the Cheater cause the move to shittier and shittier apartments closer to the airport? If so, that line is hilarious. If it happened later, I’m really sorry —

Luziana
Luziana
7 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Oh goodness no! Daughter and I have the same charming funky junky house I brought to the marriage. Except it’s being remodeled into a happy little gem. He’s moved into his third apartment in three years. Lost primary custody of his older daughter. Struggling to make ends meet.

We went on three vacations last year. I’m paying double payments on my last big debt (student loans).

We’re good!

qadahp
qadahp
7 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Agree!

I don’t want your shamanesses shamanny shit….just inspire yourself to pick your socks up off the damn floor!

And the texting shit….how dumb do they think we are? Cuntycrush…..assholes.

cashmere
cashmere
7 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

“Sluterus” cracked me up.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
7 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

I heart “floppy panniculum”.

UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Me too! He gained 60 pounds and developed moobs. So sexy!

Meanwhile, I stayed within 10 pounds of what I weighed when we met. Somewhat under now – the amazing depression diet.

The off-spring is having to deal with having “feels” when random guys stare at my butt at the grocery store. Not bad for an old (58) broad!

Luziana
Luziana
7 years ago

I’m sort of fat. My point is more…marriage isn’t sparkly.

The reason we’re here/Every man/Every woman/Is to love one another/Take Care of each other – Chrissie Hynde.

UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Ya, I was just being catty at his expense. *hangs head*

Always told the off-spring you have to love people “warts and all” and I meant it too. The STBX didn’t feel the same way, apparently.

FMT
FMT
7 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Me too, and I don’t even know what a panniculum is! (Not sure I want to, either, especially if it’s floppy lol)

Chumpy
Chumpy
7 years ago

Fav line – go fuck yourself with a hot glue gun. That’s a keeper! lol

GonnaBeOK
GonnaBeOK
7 years ago

Nope, I wasn’t a muse. He wanted me to be his mommy.
Thanks, CL, for starting my day off right!

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
7 years ago

What a crock- besides, being a muse sucks. You can never be touched the way you want to be.

PF
PF
7 years ago

Floppy High Five to the “Shaman”. Hey Shaman with a Froot Loop Muse, how’s that working out for you.

I imagine you’ve grown out your beard to compensate for your thinning hair line. No need for shoes and clothing, as a Shaman you’re most likely going barefoot and only wearing a man diaper made of hand weaved hemp and decorated with Froot Loops by your could be daughter aged Muse.

No need for a home, as Froot Loop Shaman a parking lot at your local Costco that supplies crate sized boxes of your favourite cereal could be your spiritual domain.

NeverLookingBack
NeverLookingBack
7 years ago
Reply to  PF

100% my ex grew out his beard because his hair is thinning. Unoriginal.

Luziana
Luziana
7 years ago
Reply to  PF

Pooka Shell Necklace made of Froot Loops! DED!?

ChumpedupChik
ChumpedupChik
7 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

?lmao ….”man diaper made of hand weaved hemp” adorned w Froot loops and wearing a pooka loop necklace

Lol more than a couple times all the way from CL start!

cashmere
cashmere
7 years ago

The STBX declared, at several points, that I just was not a good companion, unlike his various AP’s, whose most excellent qualities included alcoholism, huffing, adultery, dishonesty, stealing, DUI’s, and blowing the married boss on the regular. Well, right. Who could possibly measure down (wayyyyyyyy down) to that? Inadvertent cheater truths included, “We are just too different.” Indeed, we are.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

I got that too. “We just want different things.” I actually agreed with him on that one. I want a husband who prioritizes his wife and family and is capable of being faithful. He wants to live like he is single and screw women young enough to be his daughter.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

We had “different priorities” Yup!

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Ditto!
Last time X hoovered back (before I went permanent block on my iPhone) I told him the same: “You were dead right, douche bag, and now, like you, I see our marriage how it really was — a complete sham. Every formerly positive memory is forever transmuted into part of your con. You have nothing I want from a partner– by definition you are incapable of ever partnering with me because my baseline is loyalty, honesty, fidelity. Buh bye loser…..”.

X was stunned into silence. His jaw actually dropped.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago

Looking on the bright side…it makes disengaging from them easier when memories can no longer draw you in. When you realize that potentially every memory the two of you shared is no longer real because he wasn’t honest with you, it is easier to detach the emotion from them.

Marked711
Marked711
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

I’m in the same boat, but having pain from 30 years of memories together is still tough. I keep the memories with my daughters, but try to forget the one with cheating xw.

ChumpedupChik
ChumpedupChik
7 years ago
Reply to  Marked711

Yes me too…..I wish, no, I want to fully disconnect from the last 25+ years. Especially the years after Dday 1, which really felt like Dday Decades because cheaterfreak had to trickle truth me nearly to death. I’m getting there even if it’s happening slowly. So at least there is a bit of progress now.

Some memories I can’t think about without shuddering – so those are easier to toss. Usually because of something he did or said or one of those horrible realizations when a few puzzle pieces clicked together seemingly out of nowhere? The kind where you’re like WTFH? And you can’t believe it yet you know it’s true?

Like, learning that he _____ (fill in the blank, so many choices) while I was pregnant with one of our kids? This is right about when one starts entertaining thoughts of shoving a shamwow on a stick in the shaman’s lying liarhole’s diarrheal lying hole to slow down the outpouring. But, it’s like Niagra Effing Falls level of shit bc of all that Shaman Superpower ? They all suck

I sometimes wonder really why the flying fuck any of it still hurts me and start to think there’s something really wrong with me. I know there’s not, except for being terribly slow to process this unholy trauma. Motherfuckers.

David2016
David2016
7 years ago

My XW (before I closed the bakery via divorce) rhapsodizing about what the her Muse OM promised her if she leaves her family:

“OM said we are two swimmers who will swim side by side in the ocean of life; if I get tired, he will tread water and hold me until I have the strength to swim again. But he will never keep me from my dreams. I will be independent but together.”

See, all during our marriage I did everything for XW; she is a classic BPD child. And she loved it. Once I caught her leading a double life, the marital rewrite commenced and that changed to me being controlling and holding her back. From what? I still have no idea since she’d always told me she had everything she wanted with me and our children.

Five years later she is still a BPD child, broke off their engagement because he “doesn’t meet all the needs that I (her XH) did” and is miserable in her life with the OM who apparently has gotten tired of treading water.

Me? Today I’m going swimming in the ocean. By myself. I’m serious.

She can have the metaphors. I’ll stick with real life.

ChumpedupChik
ChumpedupChik
7 years ago
Reply to  David2016

Ima put em both in a sack and toss em back in the lazy rivah. Let’s see how beautifully they swim. Oh hey, look! A Deuxchebag!

It’s so unbelievably ludicrous – I don’t know how they say this kind of shit OUT LOUD!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  David2016

Keep swimming David2016!!

Lady B
Lady B
7 years ago
Reply to  David2016

Words are such a crook of shit, they think its all romantic unique love.
Mines blown his AP some shit about building a mud brick house together in a few years, completely laughable as he has never built a single thing in his life I kid you not, the most manly thing he has done is mow the lawn!

Lady B
Lady B
7 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

Karma update.
Wing nut told me AP who lives overseas is not leaving her husband. So why can’t we patch things up.
He is a rude fucker texting me like somehow its all fine now that plan A fell through. Him and his ‘soul mate’ arent running off to build mud brick houses together. She probably realised hes a poor as a church mouse snd is better off as a kept women.
He’s on the edge of a break down blah blah has nothing but debt.
I engage minimally in these txts and he calls me abusive and says he hates me but wants to come back, masks off what a fucker.
God help me find a job so I dont have to consider this bullshit.
I am treated with disrespect and contempt and he thinks its fine, wtf.
Eyes wide open now, yeah sure I would love to live with someone who work too much to pay off the debt he racked up on his affair and have that sinking feeling all the time of never trusting him and he can continue to manipulate and emotionally abuse me and make me dance, no thanks no deal. If It comes to it my beautiful parents will help pay the bills till I find work, not telling him that of course.
I feel for my kids but I truly believe he is a narc user and its not gonna change.

lady b
lady b
7 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

Just scored two weeks work, woo hoo.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  lady b

Congrats, Lady B! Just the start of job offers rolling in, I’m sure!

Lady B
Lady B
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Thanks Im stoked and feel positive.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

I must admit skankboy was quite the handyman. He has built retaining walls, large decks, remodeled houses, etc. If he helps the whore with anything she will have to buy the materials, that cheap, squeaky, big nose, balding, bow-legged, foul-mouthed MF!

Lady B
Lady B
7 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

I had to show him how to read a tape measure, I kid you not.
His Dad was a self absorbed narc who showed him nothing as a kid.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  David2016

Enjoy your swim. You deserve the best.

Luziana
Luziana
7 years ago
Reply to  David2016

Amazing how one can have a great life without a Tiger Blood Transfusion.

Jojobee
Jojobee
7 years ago
Reply to  David2016

Yes David2016. That’s what it all boils down to, isn’t it? They reject real life. They don’t want the actual beauty, power, and transcendence of what is actual and in front of them. They don’t want the real beauty of the physical world because they’d rather chase the blurry hallucination of alcohol, drugs, or other addictions. They don’t want the very real, deep love of a good spouse who would work their whole life for them and feed them soup from a spoon and turn them every 45 minutes if they were ever sick or infirm. They want want some image, some hologram who looks right, or laughs right, or makes them feel like they will never need soup from a spoon. They are shells. If people could be metaphors, they are. Empty shells, like all their bullshit words.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Some of them do want the deep love of a spouse who would feed them from a spoon and turn them over every 45 minutes. But until then, they want lots of (preferably) much younger strange to entertain themselves because their stable, loving spouse does not buy Diesel jeans or pepper his/her speech with “like” or act perky everyday, even after 2 hours sleep with a colicky infant.

My X was 12 years older than me. He explicitly declined long-term care insurance with his employer because he said *I* was his long-term care provider. After D-day, when it was clear I was never going to forgive him, he ruefully remarked, “I thought you’d be with me into my old age.” Want to know what he did to guarantee my being his long-term care provider? Three definite affairs, almost definitely a fourth, Adult Friend Finder & Ashley Madison & at least one other adult website accounts, subtle & not-so-subtle emotional abuse.

He thought giving me two children was his insurance policy; chumpy me was child- and family-oriented, so I’d tolerate anything. Hmm. Nope.

Jojobee
Jojobee
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, I hope the only thing he has long term is herpes!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Lol! Frankly, any medical malady will do. He’s petrified of doctors, so I always had to babysit his hypochondria episodes & do the research to make sure he didn’t have a fatal illness. Whose going to do that now? The non-American AP/GF with appalling English and no background in physiology? Bwahahahah!

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Excellent description, Jojobee.

I would also add that they don’t want the responsibilities of parenting. They see helping with homework and driving the kids to activities as drudgery and getting in the way of having fun in life. Yet they miss all those moments that happen during those times. Times when a kid opens up and tells you their heart. Times when they say something silly and you all laugh until tears run down your face. Times when they finally get a hard concept and they wrap their arms around your neck in their joy and gratitude for the time you spent with them.

He can take all his moments of getting drunk at some bar, gambling away his money at a poker table, or screwing young women. I will treasure these other moments.

MJB
MJB
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

This is so very true about bonding between children and the sane parent. I did all the day to day. We had to all be quiet in the mornings getting ready for school/work because daddy is sleeping. Although my ex did take the kids to sports activities and coach, I realize now this was kibble feed for him. He always pushed the kids hard to practice all the time (if you have the star player, you get lots of kibbles). I worked all day, bought groceries, cooked dinner, packed lunches, did the laundry, fed the pets. He sat on the couch and watched sports and texted Schmoopie.

My daughter wanted a puppy. It’s been a really hard year because Schmoopie was her 20 something assistant coach (talk about eating the shit sandwich). But I digress. My daughter plays with puppy. I feed and take puppy outside multiple times to potty. Puppy wants me and thinks I’m the primary caregiver.

The bonding happens in the day to day, mundane tasks in life. It’s not in only the fun and sparkly times.

Feelingit
Feelingit
7 years ago
Reply to  MJB

Ditto this on everything but the younger model. After years of serial cheating test drives, he settled on an older unit. My lawyer says he is looking for a mother to take care of him alone. I think he is right.

Cheater has worked in the family business since he was 13. She still works there daily. We have had a Standing dinner date with mil and fil on Sundays since before we were married in 1990. Before his mother cut off contact with me because the kids don’t want to be around their dad (I fail to see the logic there) , she told me she was never close with cheater son until a few years ago. Is that a strange thing to say?

cashmere
cashmere
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

This is so true. They entirely miss the moments of true intimacy that come unexpectedly, day-to-day. Mine was and is jealous of that, but also terminally incapable of it.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

I would also add that they are uncomfortable with true intimacy. If I look at how he spends his time, it is filled with fun but it is all shallow. He would rather sit at a bar with strangers than spend time with his kids.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Ditto. Our 21 yo son says that on the few occasions he has met with his father in the 2 years since he abandoned X just stares at his feet and shakes his head — our son said it is so upsetting he can’t bear it. The man I knew, who seemed to be a terrific father, who adored our son, is gone. The mask is off and what’s under it is a black void. Like a horror movie only a million times worse because it’s real……and the victims are my beloved children.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago

My STBX does the same. He does go to a few of their games, but he leaves as soon as it is over without ever even talking to them. Phone calls between him and the kids last about 1-2 minutes because he runs out of things to say. He doesn’t show up for anything related to school, doctors appointments, etc. He doesn’t utilize about 90% of his court ordered parenting time. He seems to think a few hours with them a couple times a month is good.

My son told me a few days ago, trying to make plans with his dad seems more like a chore and not worth the energy. That life is more peaceful not dealing with him. STBX doesn’t make much time for the kids but is good about sending things by text trying to get them to feel sorry for him and guilty as if they are the ones not wanting to spend time with him.

qadahp
qadahp
7 years ago

So relate to this too.

He asks why he would want to be around the kids…they hate him.

Well Duh…you act like the world is going to end if you must endure 10 more minutes of one of their sports and then scream at them like a lunatic when you come home trashed after hanging out with your bar whores….of course they don’t want anything to do with you.

I love a peaceful day when he is gone somewhere and I can sit and enjoy watching the kids play. Call me boring but that is what I live for!

Feelingit
Feelingit
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Once again so relate to you guys getmefree and cashmere. I now realize one of his gas lighting techniques was to tell things I like to do are boring. I went to my kids’ high school arts night last night. Of course stbx didn’t go. It seems to be common for parents to complain about these things but I think most who show up enjoy it. I am so impressed with all the hard work these kids put in and the talent they display. I would far rather be at the school performance than drunk at some “jimmy buffet” concert in Las Vegas. Does that make me boring?

MJB
MJB
7 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

I was at the choir concert last night myself. No X anywhere to be found.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Exactly, Cashmere. Mine has said, “I felt left out and meanless.” Yet he could not connect the dots to realize that his choices to always be somewhere other than home were the reason for that. Instead, he tries to blameshift it to me as if I purposefully left him out.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Excellent Jojobee. Someone who makes them feel like they will never age or need to sip from a spoon. I do think a fear of aging is a huge factor in their desperate choices.

violet
violet
7 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

It certainly was for X. He was always egotistical and basked in accolades, but as he aged, it got much worse. He could not handle the fact that he no longer was king of the hill. Desperate to be viewed as attractive, he was willing to believe whatever bullshit OW told him about how “sexy” he was. My love for X was never based on his physical appearance, so I could not understand why it mattered so much to him. Even the most physically beautiful person in the world eventually ages; it is just a part of the process. Narcissists simply cannot handle their own physical decline and will hang onto the illusion of youth and beauty any way they can.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  David2016

David, I hope that bitch drowns!

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
7 years ago
Reply to  David2016

Love this David!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  David2016

Win!!!

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
7 years ago

Muse, soul mate, manic pixie dream girl–you can dress her up (or, more accurately, undress her), but she’s still the woman you are choosing to cheat with. Of course, “creative genius” is also, in this jackass’s case, a good synonym for “idiot,” “adulterer,” and, most likely, “meal ticket.”

StrawberryJellyfish
StrawberryJellyfish
7 years ago

Wait a minute, hold up. OW tells him that he has enough energy to be a shaman and then he tells you that YOU need to get your shit together. Ooooooh boy.

Blindside
Blindside
7 years ago

For whatever reason, when I saw “nobody’s muse”, the song “Nobody’s Fool” by Cinderella popped up in my head:

“Nobody’s muse, nobody’s muse…….I’m….no….muse…….nobody’s muse, nobody’s muse…..”

so_close_yet_so_far
so_close_yet_so_far
6 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Me Too :).

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago

When I read this, it went through my filter and came out the other side as:

“I have things she wants and she easily figured out I am easily exploited via flattery. As a trained professional kibble machine, she will dispense kibbles like crazy until she has drained me of what she wants — money, most likely — then give me a shiny sparkly send off about how her moving on is really best for me.”

Of course, that’s where the a-hole comes back to you with a victim hat on: “I made such a huge mistake. You’re the best thing ever. Please let’s pretend I have a shred of character so you can dig me out of the terrible hole I’ve jumped into feet first.”

Um, no, Bitch. Hey, I hear you’re a shaman — go ahead and energy-meditate yourself out of there. I’ll toss in some art supplies as a muse for your creative genius. I’ll include a hot glue gun and sparkly glitter. After you get your shit together and come out of your hole (all covered in crap you’ve glued to yourself, preferably), we can meet again on the other side of this (in court).

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

???

cashmere
cashmere
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

????

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
7 years ago

Hilarious – if vomit producing! What is so funny is that this ridiculous old narc is quite clearly being love-bombed by a young narc himself. They both sound as pseudo-deep (read completely shallow) as each other. Good luck to the revolting pair, I’m sure it’ll turn ugly eventually, although I expect he will come out the worst – she is still young and will find a new target more easily. Hot glue guns for both!

UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
7 years ago
Reply to  OutOfSparkles

Yup, that’s pretty much my take on it. He’s been an abject failure career-wise at age 50 (one reason for his abject escapism,) so he’s got no dough to speak of, but he can still deliver the sparkles when he chooses.

Insert flattery, receive sparkles and deep soulful gazes. And “energy,” musn’t forget the “energy.”

Blech.

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
7 years ago

Oh my gosh, Mrs. Chump Lady, you’ve outdone yourself this time. I literally laughed out loud. Well done!

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
7 years ago

This is proof once again how great their egos are. How wonderful to have an adoring young thing waiting breathlessly for the pearls of wisdom that fall out of your mouth. I’m sure she is also waiting for the money that falls out of your pocket. The free ride you’re going to give her while she screws somebody her own age behind your back. I can almost guarantee that when the money runs out so will she. x said ow was the only one who understood him. Which is true, I don’t understand amoral cheaters. Alas he lost his shaman status when the thrill of deception wore off and the reality of living with the real him set in. It really sucks when rainbows and glitter don’t last forever

Bam
Bam
7 years ago

Geez! I thought it was bad when my cheating ex said, “I’ll be a better dad as a divorced dad.” And my favorite, “The reason I’m so happy is that I’m happy that I’m finally getting rid of you!”

ddame23
ddame23
7 years ago
Reply to  Bam

Mine said the same thing when he flat out refused to share physical custody. He saw the options on the state provided suggestions for splitting time and said he’d be a much better father if he only saw his child 2 Friday and Saturday nights a month, not even every other weekend.What a schmuck.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Bam

Yes, one day, while planning the escape to OW (3000 miles away) he told me that he was sure that he would be “a great dad” from that distance. The kids learned to never count on him for anything, ever.

Nora
Nora
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

“The kids learned to never count on him for anything, ever.”

^^ This.

Oldest kid (young adult), contemplating the possibility of alcoholic/cheater/liar dad moving far away to live with the OW, says: “He’s been emotionally absent to me for years, anyway.”

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago

Coffee coming out of my nose!!!!
Okay, I’d love to know what he could of said to this OW that could make her see him as so awesome. This was pretty over the top.Smh.
Maybe it’s because I reeeaaallllyyyy know who my ex is now, but I often wonder what the other woman sees in him besides cash.
I look at him now and it’s just kind of “ewww.”

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Lol. I think the same, even the kids wonder the same,

Free Vix
Free Vix
7 years ago

Is it just me or does anyone else see Ralph Wiggam from the Simpson’s when reading this garbage? [tapes painted turkey feather to forehead] “I’m a shaman!”

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

My artistic good deed for the day . . .

https://pwdphotos.shutterfly.com/pictures/12

CeliA
CeliA
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

LOL ..Perfect !!!

Free Vix
Free Vix
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

That is absolutely HILARIOUS!!

ChumpedupChik
ChumpedupChik
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

++1?

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Yay!

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

OUTSTANDING!!!!

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
7 years ago

Cheater’s muse had a different name: his half-soul. Coined by a third party – a drunk guy in a bar who claimed he had shamanic powers. Cheater had been “suffering” for years (12 of our marriage and 3 before as he claims) trying to figure out what kept him glued to his shmoopy for all this time. They met in their early 30s in uni and she was already married then. After a year of cheating on her husband they each went back to their countries. We met 3 yrs later. I thought he was the man of my dreams. But he turned out to be a “half soul to Her Shmoopiness” throughout our marriage meeting with her along his “business trips” and planning his exit and their life together. All the while playing family and having a child with me. He was so happy when he found validation in that drunkard “shaman” years later who explained cheater’s inability to keep his dick in his pants by a beautiful half-soul story. It was NOT a simple affair or infidelity! There was a soul involved! And it’s ok, chumpy wife, that you don’t get it because I, The-Smoopie’s Half-Soul, can’t comprehend it myself either! It’s too big, it’s larger than life, it’s the Soul and who are we humans to fight its mightiness? The soul had a lesson to learn in this life and since you are my wife, you also had your share of the lesson as you were able to touch the divine awesomeness.

By DDay, Half-soul had chosen her very high level government career over starting again somewhere else with the other half of her soul. I guess her part of the lesson was learned. So now the abandoned part of the soul (his) has found another “siren” – ex ho-worker. Siren is also his word.

As an earthy human being I can’t deal with this divineness.

P.s. Cheaterspeak should be added into the family tree of languages as a separate branch. It should be taught as a neo-language in schools. More good will come out of this than taking dead Latin (I did).

Thank you CL that you exist.

UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

Yup, I got the “Twin Flame” explanation, which is much the same thing – a single soul, torn in half and now re-united at last ….

I’m sure dumping his SAHM, chronic pain patient, wife of 25 years will do wonders for their karma – for both of them.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
7 years ago

God I love this shit.

My first X husband (I’m like Liz Taylor over here), was one of these metaphysical, sensitive, pony-tailed types. He was a musician too. Puke. Anyway, I actually found a letter he had written to himself, a sort of prayer/mantra that said something like, “Sensitive pony-tailed man is having an affair with XXX (nameless twit at community college). Rumblekitty does not know that sensitive pony-tailed man is fucking XXX.” I imagine he sprinkled magic dust on it and stoked some sage after he sealed it. And dig this . . . he sealed it with mother-fucking wax, as to make it more authentic I guess. Wow.

When I confronted him, I teased him so much his penis crawled up inside him.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
7 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Haha, I love when they get all crazy and spiritual! Rumblekitty, you are awesome!

This made me think of when my ex sent me an email saying that God sent him the OW (she was married and had two very young autistic sons) in answer to his prayers that God cure him of his homosexual urges. And that his lack of passion for me was the reason for those urges. And he just wanted a nice Christian woman to take to church.

He still considers himself to be the very pinnacle of wonderful Christian man. I don’t think he has ever called himself a shaman, although he did often say it was his “destiny to be famous.”

Other Kat
Other Kat
7 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Yes, just like me refusing to have sex with him forced my X to “experiment” with gay porn!

happily ever after
happily ever after
7 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

That is cosmic and I truly did roll on the floor laughing! and choking!

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
7 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

OH I forgot to mention, he was writing this mantra to the Heavenly Mistress Verona. Maybe she’s the goddess of blow-jobs and infidelity, I’m not sure . . .

Mehmehdancet
Mehmehdancet
7 years ago

Hahahaha love today’s post and dripping with sarcasm mode . 9 months from D Day and 5 from divirce final but still feeling alot of pain still. Today was especially bad as tears could not seem to stop . But no regrets and really glad I am out of that burning house . Have come to accept the all the pain , grief and humiliation etc madness as life from hereon the perpetual shit sandwich . No contact and looking forward are my best friends .

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  Mehmehdancet

Mehmehdancet, right now these are tough times. I, too, promise it will get better. Hugs!

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
7 years ago
Reply to  Mehmehdancet

Time is your friend Mehmehdancet. You are fresh from the emotional nuclear accident of betrayal. We were all there and you will recover. Peace be with you on your journey to meh and lots of hugs on your down day.

Fern
Fern
7 years ago
Reply to  Mehmehdancet

It gets better. I promise.

pbs
pbs
7 years ago

My dipshit ex always boasted of his intent and capability of writing The Great American Novel. Never mind he was not a writer in any sense of the word nor ever sat his lazy ass down to write so much as a grocery list. He got caught fucking a cocktail waitress, dumped his wife of 20 years, his children either ignore him or make fun of him, married the slut then she divorced him two years later, lost all of his friends, and lost 99% of his money. Please kind sir do take the time to put pen to paper, that is a story is one for the ages?

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  pbs

The similarities here are eerie: X always wanted to be a literary or satirical novelist or essayist. Or, at the very least, a journalist. Instead he went to law school and has been obscenely successful. Nevertheless he spent years whining about how much he hated his job and wanted to write. “So write, already!” I would say 24/7. He rejected all suggestions I had such as going part time, taking writers’ workshops, etc. 6 years ago he tried once again to do the National Novel Writing Month (November when writers endeavor to write 50,000 word novels in 30 days). On a lark I joined him. I wrote a 400 page novel in the 30 days. It is an inter-generational family saga spanning 60 years on two continents. At first, each night we would share our 1600 words written the day. After the first week, it was obvious X had huge problems. He wrote over and over “I need to write, I cannot write….” over and over. It was chilling — like a crazy person.
Needless to say, he was very very envious of what I produced.

Huge red flags…. I spackled like crazy. DDay came 4 years later — he said she “appreciated” his desire to be a writer in ways I could not…. yeah right!

FMT
FMT
7 years ago

Have you thought about publishing your novel? Something positive should come out of that experience.

As for your ex, this is an allegory for all cheaters. They want what they want, but they’re constitutionally incapable of putting in the work for the long-term goal.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  FMT

I’ve been doing research to bolster the sections of my book that occur during the Vietnam war.

I also am not sure how it should end — I’ve written several endings but DDay knocked me for a loop and I haven’t written a word in 2.5 years. I’ve been using whatever bandwidth I have to get divorced and grow my career (took a bar exam in another state, passed, got a new job 4 weeks after my divorce trial — a huge promotion.)

Maybe now that I’m divorced and completely NC I can finish it and begin process to find editor, agent, etc.

FMT
FMT
7 years ago

Outstanding. You’ll have every chump on here cheering you to victory, and publishing would have several great outcomes, among them your own personal achievement, a chance to throw another book-publishing party, and getting to show a wanna-be what an ACTUALLY IS looks like. I’d love to have your autograph on the cover. Hell, I’ll help organize the party!

Do it. Do it now! 🙂

(As a side note, there are so many good writers on this blog. I’ve often thought it would be cool to do a compendium of our stories, sort of like The Canterbury Tales. I mean, even if you go to the Stupid Shit thread, that stands on its own as great reading. Public service announcement? lol)

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  FMT

Yes!!!! FMT, your encouragement is lighting a fire in me to get back to work and see this through.

I will take you up on the party when that day comes!

Huge hugs!

QueenMother
QueenMother
7 years ago

Wow MotherChumper!! Congratulations on your career advancement!!

About that book? And the ending? I don’t know if the following fits, but what about using d-day for the ending (the DDay that knocked you for a loop)? Just sayin. Maybe all of this horribleness will end up being research for your best-seller.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Thank you for the encouragement QueenMother! I woke this morning excited to work on it again. I know this whole experience will change what I write — I’m a different person now and there are a lot of cheating narcs in my book (patterned after my parents). I’m going to add the chump’s point of view now for sure.

Thank you again! Your encouragement as well as FMT’s brings tears to my eyes and renewed my excitement about taking this to the next level.

FMT
FMT
7 years ago
Reply to  FMT

Also, it’s the image that matters for them. Not the reality.

rickb89
rickb89
7 years ago

That is truly awful

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
7 years ago

STBX said “She says she likes taking care of me”. I reminded him that I took care of him too. I made his lunches every day when he had an office job, I took over his chores and let him rest when he was sick, I cooked him meatloaf (I am a vegetarian), I took over some of his household chores when I felt he was doing too much, I brought him cool drinks when he was working in the yard (by choice because he enjoyed it), I kept the kids out of his hair when he was tired, I tried to fold his socks the right way even if I didn’t always get it right, I supported his life goals etc. His angry retort was “That’s mothering, I don’t need a mother I need a wife”. It took me a bit to catch on, but I guess what he meant was “She enjoys bringing me to climax”. That one ticked me off because I liked having sex with him just too, but I didn’t see it as “taking care” of him I saw it as sharing something special between us two, and if he had been having trouble climaxing in recent months I now know it was because he was already getting his jollies elsewhere. Jerk. He doesn’t want a wife he wants a cheap whore.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
7 years ago

This has been my path also (I’m even a vegetarian too!) — did so many things for him, either because I knew it would be helpful or because he would enjoy something, and continued to receive the complete lack of observation/reciprocation of even simple things around the house without prompting (read: nagging — which I do not enjoy either) and a complete lack of presence in the bedroom. He was looking for a whore and he found them — literally whores…with an “s”. Another chump mentioned above that it’s not about being monogamous, it’s about lying about the ability to be — to yourself and to your (in)significant other — and dragging someone else’s life into the dirt. “Taking care” of someone means so much more than these short-sighted assholes could ever fathom.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
7 years ago

I guess there area couple of other things he admires about Schmoopie. She corrects his grammar and taught him how to fold laundry more efficiently. Evidently those are big turn ons for him. “I can learn so much from her, she expands my mind”.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago

And by taking care, he means “idolizing and behaving as an object that caters to his every whim without asking for anything for herself.”

And by learn, he means “sociopathically drain.”

And by expands my mind, he means “expands the front of my pants, which is the source of all of my thinking.”

😉

cashmere
cashmere
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

What is it with the socks? Tees and tighty whities, too. According to the STBX, I never quite managed to fold his things correctly, or arrange them to his satisfaction in his bureau drawers. Geez. Whatevs, man. Guess thanking me for doing that at all was out of the question. He had sandwich issues, too, that troubled him deeply. Too much or too little meat, cheese, or mustard. Ah, the air of disappointment with which he choked those down. Finally, I just told him to make his own.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
7 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

I spent all of those years making his lunches “just the way he liked it” thinking I was doing him a loving favor. I even put notes in his lunches saying that I loved him so that he would know I was thinking of him and so he would think of me. I thought I was being a good wife, but it turns out he resented it all along because I was “mothering him”. I guess the notes weren’t raunchy enough. “Thanks for last night” wasn’t explicit enough.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

They want it done just the way their mommy used to do it. And if you cater to those mommy demands? Then you are no longer sexy …

BeowulfSabrina
BeowulfSabrina
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

so very true. When I made his toasted peanut butter banana jam sandwiches, if I substituted any other flavor but strawberry, he got upset. OR if I didn’t slice the bananas the right way OR if I didn’t spread the peanut butter all the way to the edges, he’d tell me I didn’t make it with enough “love”. His mother was a whore who abandoned him at the age of six and ran away to shack up with a man so it’s not like she ever did mommy things for him, too busy being her own narcissistic self. Dday included such gems as “Our soul contract is over”, “I found my new soulmate” obviously repeating what he heard the homewrecker say to justify their sparkly LOVE. Disgusting. 26 years of my life wasted.

UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
7 years ago
Reply to  BeowulfSabrina

I hear you. When I asked, incredulously, ” You’re actually leaving me for [Froot Loop Schmoopie?]” he actually said, I swear:

“Oh no, FLS was very clear about that. She said I wouldn’t be leaving UnrequitedLoyalty for HER, I’d be leaving her for my own personal growth and development!”

And he’s stuck to that (her) line ever since.

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
7 years ago

I find it sad and pathetic that there seems to be a new trend of using old wisdom/spirituality, repackaging and twisting it, labeling it “higher thinking” to justify throwing away this age old concept called morality. Now I do realize everyone’s definition of morality is different, but it used to be that deception and betrayal were frowned upon. But now… “hey, you don’t like my cheating? Your higher level thinking must be lacking. You’re angry my choices are breaking up our family and hurting our kids? You must need to work on reducing that pesky judgment! Hey you know I’ve evolved to higher level thinking because I don’t give a shit who I hurt, nor should you! It’s all about learning to eat that shit sandwich with a smile my old friend – that’s when you know you’ve reached God like thinking! You want to be a spiritually mature person, you must learn to accept being a door mat and being stabbed in the back, but you better do it with a smile on your face! While you are at it, learn to be happy for my happiness, even if it was at your expense.”

UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
UnrequitedLoyaltyEqualsChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Thank you! I was chided for not being as evolved as STBX-Mr.Muse, a cuck who welcomes Muse back into his house to sit on his couch and watch Dr. Who.

He seems relieved to have offloaded her onto another sucker, if you ask me.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
7 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Yes, he has been on a quest to get in touch with all of those things about himself that should have been hashed out/examined, and I have been told that I have “anger problems”. Hmm…now why in the world would I be angry about life with a very much non-present spouse who later reveals he’s been cheating our entire marriage with prostitutes, despite having allowed me to think that things were fine enough to buy houses, move around, start a family — essentially steer my life on a course it would have never taken without (what I had been led to believe was) a plan? Hmm…you’re going to have to come back to me on this one…

At least I have my beautiful daughter (who I love unfathomably, despite how angry I am at the circumstances that led to her existence — and don’t think those words/mixed emotions haven’t already been used against me!), and he had the decency to make the final move closer to my family so I have support. Probably some subconscious thought/”good” him trying to do the right thing. Ugh, paint it however you want with this zero-responsibility “soul searching” BS — it’s still a huge shit sandwich to serve up to someone to whom you had promised a gourmet meal.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

The reason they hide between new age doctrine, or church, or their malignant interpretation of God’s will, is because cheaters are, at heart, shallow. They are attracted by sparkle, and by limerance, and by flattery, and by new toys, and by youth. But their desire for impression management is at odds with *appearing* to be shallow. Voila! Couch their misdeeds in some kind of philosophical or religious movement and they have been redeemed! They appear to have depth, the way a hologram has depth, but it may be enough to trick some people. Apparently, it’s enough to trick themselves because their self-awareness is, well, shallow.

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest — to extend your point even further, look back to yesterday’s post on open marriages and polyamory.

Couching fidelity misdeeds in a a movement of supposed “sexual hyper sophistication” and voila!! There is redemption, there is justification, there is a sense of superiority over those who ‘just don’t get it.’

And it’s us chumps who know what’s really going on behind the curtain.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

You’re right, UX. I, like you, had one of those ‘hip’ cheaters who instead of quoting forgiveness scripture or new-age tripe, bandied about themes from Anna Karenina, sentences with multiple relative clauses, and quotes from Dumas (““The chain of marriage is so heavy that it takes two to bear it; sometimes three.”).

And yet, when push comes to shove, who could talk about more things at dinner parties? or which spouse actually won an award at a storytelling competition? Their hipness is a shallow illusion, too.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Oh mine tried to cite famous books and movies to defend his affair among the “things that happen…”

I laughed out loud reading his argument (I had stopped talking to him directly one week post-DDay #1). I didn’t even respond to him, but I started my own inner UBT process, namely (1) works of fiction are not meant to be a roadmap for real life, and (2) most of these books were written at a time where divorce was not an option…

So glad I divorced him post-DDay#1…

Feelingit
Feelingit
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Cheater always wanted to have the conservative man’s man image of being that alpha male head of a Christian home (even though he treated Christianity like his ethnic heritage as just something you are born with. After he left, he started going to this very new age therapist who validates his feelings. I met with her once and that was all I could take. She told me “you sound like you are judging him”. My impulsive response was “He needs to be judged!”

WTF?!!!! He has cheated on me for years and now abandoned me and the children for an adulterous partner. It is totally against the covenant of our marriage and the core of what he said was our mutual belief system. Of course he should be judged, but no, she wanted me to cross the bridge into his world and experience his feelings!!! She even used the term conscious uncoupling. In my mind (and probably his before schnoopie) anyone who can use the term conscious uncoupling in a serious context is a lunatic .

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Should anyone get such a therapist after D-day, only one piece of advice:

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yes yes yes

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

OMG
Tempest,
You are sunshine on any day.
You make chumps’ laugh muscles work, overtime.
Thank you,
YOU are mighty!
???????

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
7 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Tempest,
After watching this again and again, it is addictive, I am thinking perhaps this could be your cheater chasing after you, ( he realizes he screwed up big time, losing a wonderful person as you), but you are way ahead of him, leaving him in your rear view mirror. You are on your way to meh and he will soon lose his way, be lost and gondi. Cheater who?
YOU are mighty.
Thank you for adding a big chuckle to my day!
❤️

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago