My D-Day was in April when my daughter was 4 months old. My FW blames me for ignoring his needs since I was pregnant and too focused on the baby. I asked him what he wanted from me, and he looked at me and the baby, and said I can’t give him what he wanted.
Well, I found out that he had a snapchat account and has been chatting up his ho-worker, who apparently is sexually free like him. There was a lot of gaslighting and I briefly did the pick-me dance (so humiliating).
I was so heartbroken while trying to keep it together for my daughter. Thankfully I discovered your blog and the CN. After reading all the stories on your blog, I realized that he has never really loved me. I asked myself if I really wanted to save the relationship and the answer was sobering.
I have been with him since I was an undergraduate. I knew him since elementary school. We were young and he left me once before, being with someone else. Six months later, I took him back because I missed him. I know, so pathetic. Ever since then we got a dog, a house, a marriage, and a precious little baby girl. I just don’t understand how he can discard everything we had.
I question, if he ever really loved me or anyone. He was unemployed for a long time and I paid for everything. I was so ready to take the reins and support him. I busted my ass to keep him happy and he gave me nothing. It was not until the end, where he offered to pay part of the mortgage, since he knew I was going to file and he was going to be demoted to the position of roommate.
I keep going in circles. Was anything we had real? Did he not care enough to help me with anything? How could I let myself be with someone so selfish and manipulative? I mean, I was paying for his college loans and he just happily sat there and did nothing. No help with housework or baby. I was caretaker, breadwinner, and now mom.
I see now that our relationship was just me busting ass and making him look good. Our divorce will be final in September, but I’m still living through the trauma. I’m just left with the question: What the hell happened?
Questions Everything all the Time
You got fed up with his shit and you filed, that’s what happened. Let’s start with your mightiness, okay? You have a four-month-old child and a loser for a husband. You asked yourself, is his abuse acceptable? And you said, no, it is not. And you hung up your pick me dance shoes. And you made that motherfucker pay the mortgage.
Let’s celebrate you. You. Have. An. Infant. I remember postpartum life. Abdomen of silly putty. Leaky boobs. Segmented sleep. Lady bits are still a no-fly zone. Hormonal storms that make you weep at TV commercials. Oh, and a permanently attached baby barnacle who barfs in your hair.
It’s a vulnerable time. You’re just getting your sea legs on this new mom thing. You and that baby should be protected, cherished, celebrated. And some fuckwit has the audacity to tell you that you’re not ENOUGH? That growing a child in your body and giving birth and caring for an infant distracts from HIM?
I wish he had to pass a bowling ball through his rectum. And then get up and go wash your dishes. And have his distended guts poked, with the chuckle, “Ooh, who needs to go to the gym?”
Back to you. This guy is totally unworthy of you. You’re untangling the skein of fuckupedness, trying to make sense of why he’s this way. It’s an early days coping mechanism, and as I’ve written here many times, ultimately pointless. Judge him by his actions. He’s an ASSHOLE of the highest order.
I question, if he ever really loved me or anyone.
You loved. You were present. That’s all you control. Did you waste X amount of years with someone who didn’t love you? Probably. But it’s not a waste if you learn from it, AND you got your precious daughter out of the bargain. You didn’t languish further in an abusive, lopsided relationship. You got out. So yay you.
Whatever “love” this guy is capable of, isn’t a love that’s good for you. And I do worry that he’ll be as shitty a father as he is a husband. So, please fight for custody and document EVERYTHING you do for your child and everything he does not. Including finances. I bet that mortgage payment was to impress the judge. Remember, document, document, document.
He was unemployed for a long time and I paid for everything. I was so ready to take the reins and support him
Because you’re a good partner, and good partners help when the other is down. You expected he’d do the same for you. Until you realized he wouldn’t. And when you figured that out, you left. Don’t beat yourself up.
I busted my ass to keep him happy and he gave me nothing.
Healthy relationships are based on reciprocity. A fix-your-picker issue to explore going forward is if any of the ill treatment felt normal to you. If you’re used to being the only grown up. You deserve a partner as good and as giving as you are.
Was anything we had real?
You were real. The dog is real. The house is real. The baby is real. The fuckwit is a guy who let you invest in him and enjoyed the benefits of all your wife appliance work. It sounds like he would’ve continued to keep extracting value from you, until you put an end to it. That’s real. That’s who he IS. A really shitty, cruel person.
I was caretaker, breadwinner, and now mom.
And that’s who you still are. Only now you don’t have an abuser in your life, so you and your baby girl get to enjoy all that mightiness.
Questions, put the skein aside and focus on getting the best settlement you can get now. This is a time for hard, cold practical self-care. STD test, credit report on him to check for missing monies, debt. And full custody, if you can get it.
You’re going to look back on your life and be really proud of how you handled this. You’re modeling great things to your daughter too. Rock on as the sane parent.
And pass the pick-me-dance shoes on to the next sucker.