What Are You Taking Back?
One of the ugly repercussions of infidelity are triggers. Mercifully, triggers go away in time — really, I swear — as you approach “meh.” I suspect triggers don’t really go away if you reconcile, but I can’t say for certain, as I only attempted reconciliation for about a year. But it stands to reason that the person who betrayed would be a trip wire of things that remind you that… this person betrayed you.
The cheater could just go about their business, oblivious to the significance of Affair Objects of Great Import. After all, what is it to you?
MOTOROLA CELL PHONES, oh REALLY?
SKIING IN VERMONT? — sure, yeah, right.
The CROWNE PLAZA HOTEL IN HARRISBURG, Hmmmm????
(Blank stare.)
But the chump knows. These are the totems by which the affair was conducted. These are the polluted things, forever sullied.
And yet… is it fair to the Crowne Plaza Hotel of Harrisburg, Pa. that I hold a grudge?
There was a time I couldn’t drive by that ugly mid-price hotel without sudden nausea. Now, (not that I have reason to get to Harrisburg) I don’t give a flip. It’s not part of my mental landscape any more.
But while I haven’t triggered — nausea, anxiety, panicky dread — since I was in that sucktacular marriage, certain things still irrationally carry bad associations: Paris, Pittsburgh, the entire state of West Virginia, bluegrass music, and BMW motorcycles. I’d like to not hate Pittsburgh on principle, but if that ick factor doesn’t go away, I’ll live. Whoever you are, if you drive a BMW motorcycle, you are a douchebag. But Paris? No, I want Paris back.
I honeymooned in Paris with the cheater. Although I had been to Paris several times before — I was chumped before, during, and after that honeymoon and I paid for the damn trip. Some day I’d like to have some new associations with the City of Lights that aren’t — God, I was an epic chump there. (Forehead slap.)
My ex can have the Crowne Plaza Hotel of Harrisburg, but I’m taking Paris back.
Do you have a Super Fund clean-up site of cheater places? What’s on your take back list?
Hands down ….it’s Niagra Falls!
We went there sooo many times for little family trips, as a couple and later for trips with justafriend MOW and her H. And I HATE Niagra Falls!!!
Not the falls themselves – they are beautiful !
But the cheesy-ness of the place. The t-shirt shops and the wax museums and the horrid tourists! Not romantic!
But that is the Big Destination for stbx and AF and their little group of friends!
I will NEVER go there again without having a very sick feeling.
The last time I went was with my H and MOW and families for a wedding.
Thank God there was wine.
And both myself and MOW’s husband found ourselves crying in the bathrooms that night. Blah!
My ex and I went to Niagara Falls for our 5th wedding anniversary. Ironically, just 3 weeks ago, I had to go back TO THE SAME HOTEL for my girls’ dance competition. We stayed in a room almost identical to the one I was in with him. I felt sick the whole time, but once the weekend was over I felt proud that I had made it through and didn’t let it ruin the weekend with my girls. Wine definitely helped though! 🙂
Would love to take back my brain – still working on the ‘meh’ but brain is being very very stubborn. Really need to stop associating him with anything the family does now – it’s making me rather loopy (loopier?)
Cherries!
During my brief reconciliation period, my XH came home very late one night, with a large bucket of fresh-picked cherries and an unlikely explanation. He told me that he had helped an elderly client pick from her tree (until way after dark?), and she let him take a share. The next day I drove by OW’s house and – surprise – saw that she had a big cherry tree! So I did what any chump would do, I cleaned all the cherries and proceeded to make cherry bread, sauce, jam, dried cherries etc. for XH to take to work! That’ll show ’em! It was the sickest pick-me dance ever, but also in a way, a passive-aggressive play to get my XH to feel some shame or maybe pity me (pun unintended, but cute!).
So, last spring, even the sight of fresh cherries made me feel humiliated. Not this year. I am looking forward to this season’s harvest, if it ever warms up enough!
BTW, why was so much of my marriage centered around produce?
River, that story makes me so mad for you. What a total asshole move. I’m glad you only had a brief reconciliation period. I did too, and I thank my lucky stars that I wasn’t tortured for as long as many of the other ladies here.
Thanks WBW. It is amazing to look back on the crazy state of mind I was once in. “Reconciliation” lasted about two weeks, until I could simply stand it no longer!
The Vineyard Hotel, Wynberg, Cape Town. Which, just being a housewife and therefore not that important, I had never been taken to anyway.
But where he met up with his schmoopie OW to reignite The Love That Can’t Be Denied, telling her ‘I’ve missed you so much’.
After which beautiful night he coolly rang me to tell me how his conference was going.
I just have to feel sorry for that stupid biatch, and remind myself that she is a boundaryless moron who was used and manipulated too.
Virginia Beach VA. We had several nice vacations and I love the beach there. I would go back and not let memories of him ruin it.
During this period of false reconciliation he has been pushing for us to go on vacation in this trailer he bought last year. Not interested for me it is filled with memories of him living in there while our house was in repair sexting the OW nightly.
Third Avenue from 88th Street to 91st Street….makes me want to vomit.
He said he was unhappy and his shrink said he was ‘being unfair to me” because he could not come near me for years. It was all due to his job choices and his being so unhappy with his life. He said he was overworked trying to do right by his family and he was exhausted and sick with worry and stress.
We tried different mediators but always got stuck when we got to exchanging paperwork and producing credit card statements. I was told that I was the reason why the mediation was not working. I wanted to save my marriage so I just I accepted that blame; one more thing I couldn’t do right.
Then DDay.
Got real lawyers who got most of the credit card statements and I started piecing those together with the bank statements that I had right under my nose for years. I never had a reason to look up the location of each branch number on the statements. If you are completely blind, do you really look up where branch number 135 is?
Public real estate records listed where she had purchased the love nest. Sure enough, branch number xxx and CVS number xxx and Diner XYZ and Pasta ABC and the parking garages were all in a 3 block area from where she lived. Found out the night before my birthday when he “had to work very late”, he stopped at the drugstore, took out cash, ate at the diner the next morning, bought my birthday gift and headed home “straight from working all night”. And the long hours he was working? Turns out dinner was at 7 PM and bank withdrawals before 10 PM. Long hours indeed, but not at his desk!
When my lawyers wondered what bank he used, I went by the apartment building and there was a bank in the lobby – what a surprise that was where he set up an account.
The plus – lazy cheaters can be tracked to a very confined area.
The downside – walking past that row of stores.
Yes, slap of the forehead “how could I be so dumb and trusting”?!?
The good news is that now I walk past and chuckle because he was so lazy and she got quite the prize with him!
Any tourist site in New York.
The bridges in New York ( marathon route)
The Hyatt Melbourne
Volvo sc60’s ( black ones)
The Recency Maui (take back)
Interestingly, I was taken to Honolulu last year by GF and had absolutely no say in where we went. Not once in three days did we go to any bar or restaurant that previously been with groceries.
She can keep Eat Prey Love too!!!!
I’m with you, Baci, on the Hyatt Melbourne. Both of them and Sydney Hyatt under the bridge too, all of Tasmania, especially Freycinet National Park where I considered walking into the waves and ending it all one winter morning after finding a condom in his belongings, Pony Lounge in the Rocks where he insisted we had eaten before (I jokingly suggested it was his other girlfriend. Ha. It was.) and Perth, Brisbane…
Haha, “Eat PREY love” ???? Don’t know if you meant that but it works for me!
🙂
I am a 30+ years victim of the RIC .
Serial double betrayals.
I use to feel bad about myself because I couldnt forgive and forget. By the RIC bullshit standards I have failed my family. But now I have Chump Lady and I know I’m not a stupid failure. I’m a Chump.
My triggers are still everywhere everyday. TV, the old residence, my Xfriends, my cheater prize, DNA test kits on the store shelf…
The biggest is my cheating wife’s I don’t remember, you should have addressed that in counciling, it’s been over 30 years let it go attitude.
I’d like to take back my “friends” and my bedroom set. Also, the city where I moved to this last year. Whenever I hear it’s name it makes me cringe inside.
Sushi
Hotels
Craft beer
Boating on the lake
the beach
My house – don’t ya love it when they cheat at HOME!
San Francisco
New Orleans
New York – Manhattan
Orlando
Atlanta
Charleston
Yeah, they worked together… traveling.
Frank Sinatra music
Old movies
Running
Chips and Salsa
My huge diamond necklace
Mine cheated at home, too. I have a picture of OW sitting on our porch, wearing STBX’s leather outback hat, wearing his wedding band (!), and smoking a stogie.
I saw the picture pretty early on when snooping on STBX’s computer. I then remembered to tell STBX that it was really weird, but I could swear that our screened-in porch smelled like cigar smoke!
Looks like you should just move to Greenland with a list that long…
You’ve GOT to get Paris back and reclaim it mightily. ASAP!!! I will be there next week in all its spring glory and from prior experience I recommend a bicycle tour, rue Mouffetard, Studio Galande if you’re into seeing the Rocky Horror Picture Show with a special act, rue Montorgeuil, plant market near Notre Dame and cupcakes at Bertie’s Cupcakery while you’re in that neighbourhood, the entire 5th arrondissement, Musee d’Orsay… This time I’m going to check out the newly re-opened zoo, then regret I’m only staying a week (found a central apartment which is way cheaper and more convenient than a hotel), and take comfort that Paris is not far away so I can visit again next year.
I am heading to Paris this coming Thursday for a 4 day stay and then a 2 week cruise. I was sick when I was there 7 years ago with my ex husband. I never get sick ever, so I must have sensed the end was close!!
We’re overlapping. I arrive on Wednesday and leave the following week. I have tickets for the Louvre on Thursday. Thursday, May 8, is a national holiday and I think all the church bells ring at 15:00.
Enjoy. I arrive at 5 am on Friday morning the 9th so I will miss that. I am really looking forward to not having to worry about the ex tripping over his penis every time a female walks by. You see, he doesn’t have a type he will do anything!! So this trip will be wonderful. Have a great trip.
Have a good trip too.
I am in Paris right now and just did the Van Gogh exhibit at the D’Orsay today, really awesome. Don’t let the douchebags of the world steal Paris! I bet, CL, that one good visit with your awesome husband will wipe the slate totally clean.
I second that. Paris will be awesome with a great companion.
Say Howdy to the Marais district for me. That’s a fav. And the art museums. And the pastries. Have a wonderful time! I hope to take it back some day soon, promise.
Will do! My apartment’s at Cardinal Lemoine across the river from the Marais!
I think we should organize a Chump trip to Paris in honor of reclaiming triggers!
I’d do it! I don’t have to travel far enough to get jet lag!
My home…I have to remodel redesign, still have a lot of his stuff there. Need to turn his studio into one of our daughters room…Realized that the decoration was very masculine, dark, sad, we need to takeover and make it a completely colorful, happy, different place.
My job…places we worked together, colleagues who are mutual friends, etc..this is a tough one…
Martina, I took back ex’s office/man-cave, and I can testify that transforming it from dark and masculine to bright and springlike was hugely cathartic and gratifying. Best housework I ever did. Enjoy taking back that space!
I had my ex’s former office painted this past Valentine’s Day. It is now beautiful and white.
Where the fuck to I begin?
The cheaters can have:
The Hilton on Lake-Cook Road/Deerfield Road. I drive by that shithole at least 2-4times a week.
Rancho Bernardo Inn
New Orleans, Dallas, the fucking Courtyard Inn Gahanna ( or whatever the fuck it’s called) near the airport in Columbus Ohio, the Courtyard Inn or Townplace square in Pittsburgh, San Jose, Toronto ( woo-hoo an INTERNATIONAL fuck fest which was so very exciting for them), barbershop-style quartet singing, Mary Kay cosmetics, cheap bars, Stone Brewery, pink Cadillacs, the Admirals Club at any airport, remote fucking via FaceTime, herpes and anal sex, xhamster porn feeds, god-squad Christian shit as a way to hide what a truly awful human you both are,
I keep:
Italy, because it’s not only my heritage, but I lived there. She can dream it, but it’s MINE YOU ASSHOLES.
Broadway Musicals, plays. Yea, this was part of your anniversary package, but I introduced asshat to actually GOING to these. I will go without him.
Australia, Europe, Hawaii, New York, Chicago, O’Hare
FaceTime with my son in Spain, craft beers, scotch and wine dinners, Girl and the Goat, ballet, AIC…in fact ALL the museums, herpes because it’s the gift he gave me that keeps on giving, a deep sense of spirituality, annual STD/Pap smears for HPV
I’m sure there are others, but these are the immediate things.
Italy, yes! I’m keeping Italy, too. My cousins there love me and they dumped him presto.
Your ex is an unpardonable ass. So sorry you had to go through all that! What a nightmare of a mate.
I was just at the Rancho Bernardo Inn last weekend with my cheater! Probably the last time I’ll see him. My head wants to explode thinking about it.
Yeah. Asshat loved showing me pictures of the patio where they sipped wine, the room, the golf course.
Forgot the BIG one..my house. Actually I hate the place, but she posted pics on her Pinterest acct ( during my phase of who the hell is this clown stalking) and it is her “dream”. Asshat admitted to doing a FaceTime tour of MY home for her. Yeah, right. I’m pretty confident she’s polluted my home in person. I spitefully will not let her or him “have” it.
ANC, I got left with the H bomb that keeps on giving too. So sorry you have had to put up with this.
Shortly after I moved out OW posted decorating ideas on my ex’s Facebook page for our house!
Well it goes without saying that she is a cruel, self-absorbed, POS. That alone should make your kids see her who and what she is….
“…see who and what she is….” So upset my fingers got in the way.
WT–
No words.
Ugh.
How awful. There is a person with absolutely no conscience or empathy. I love Pinterest–so revealing if the X is a woman,
I meant if the AP is a woman. sorry…
Sorry, LaJ; haven’t had my coffee yet (and I’m not on Pinterest, either), but not sure what you mean about Pinterest being revealing, especially if the AP/OW is a woman?
The jackass’s MOW, aka the camo-wearing skank, started adding pins like “I want you, only you. only us…”, “To me, you’ll always be 18 and dancing away with my heart” (she had a kid crush on him when he was 18), blah blah. When he kicked her to the curb, that stopped and the “you said you loved me, now you don’t and my heart is breaking” stuff started. All of this while in a 20+ year marriage, with her relatives on all sides following her, and supposedly mourning her brother. There’s more–one of my friends has a terrific critique of everything from how she makes plurals with a Z to adding extra letters to any word she deems impooooorrrrttttaaaannnntttt. Honest to God, I think it saved my life to see how stupid and shallow she is. As bad as betrayal was, it would have been worse to be dumped for a younger woman who was smart and funny and kind and classy.
Gotcha, LaJ. How old is this chick again?
I’ve got such a love/hate relationship with social media. I don’t really get the point of Twitter, but FB has been great for me to keep up with friends and family all around the world. On the other hand, it was (and likely still is) AP’s “stage” and also the way she poaches. She was never my friend on FB, but her constant preening accompanied by photos (“My friend told me I look like a Gibson Girl! Teehee!”) and baiting posts would show up in my news feed whenever X liked them (which was most of the time), and then of course there was the issue of all their flirty private messages. Just gross, and again: how old are these people? Are we passing love notes back and forth in Grade 7 algebra class here?
I did take back FB, though, by deactivating my old account and starting fresh with a carefully chosen group of inner circle family and friends. Best call I have made in a long, long time. Now I just enjoy my time on there, and I don’t have to worry about what’s gonna show up in my news feed. Also have my privacy controls on DEFCON 1 so shithead X can’t try to control my narrative anymore. He doesn’t even get the privilege of knowing what my narrative is. With or without a Z at the end.
OMG (aka Ooooohmmaaagaaawwwwwddd), LovedaJackass, my niece does that “plurals with a z” and adding letters to words thing when she posts on Facebook. She’s 17.
The married ow who works for my h is a huge embarrassment too. It’s a real head scratcher. I guess they get as good as they give. No one with integrity and class will look twice at a married man, so they grab their moral equivalent. She’s hideous and has done this before, in fact it’s her way of business. They’re both idiots, and now my husband is mortified with himself. Still works with her though because him mommy wants him to. Asswipes, all of them. Granted, a cutie patootie with an MBA would have slayed me more, but the ones he’s worked with always had high morals and treated me with admiration and a lot of class. She’s an unpolished mouth breathing rube, but he’s the bigger idiot for trading down to hillbilly inbred hell.
Shows what Their Preoccupations are.
Christmas.
And NYE. This was our anniversary, and every year we sat at home doing nothing. The last one we had together I went to bed crying at 9pm. It was horrible. There’s a twang there but now it is just NYE and we haven’t been home for it since he left. Last year we even had fireworks where we were.
March, my final DDay was Christmas and since I’m at meh, I now look at Christmas as my liberation day and have reclaimed it. You’ll get there.
Christmas can even be sad when you are still married
I was so determined to take back Christmas this year that I left the tree up until April.
Yes, Christmas. DDay was 4 days before Christmas (5 years ago). My most favorite holiday and it was ruined for several years. It’s gotten better, but I still experience triggers during the season. They are harder to control during this time than the rest of the year.
I’d also like to take back my town, at least until I can afford to move. Many revelations during false reconciliation about where they went and what they did. I have to drive past the gas station they would meet at to say “goodbye” after their night shift together. The Denny’s they would eat breakfast at before he came home. The other gas station he would stop at to buy condoms before heading to her house on the night he worked and she didn’t. 3 am lunch break and he drove clear across town for a quickie while I was at home asleep with out two year old. He never thought about driving home to me. Cigarette smoke, not sure the brand but I know it when I smell it. The whore was a heavy smoker ( I have never smoked). My car would smell when he would drive it. He would smell like it. Our toddler smelled like it – yeah I know! He blamed male coworkers. Ugh! Here come the triggers. I need to stop now.
My ex left shortly after Christmas. My last Christmas with him was horrible. The last two have been better but not great since my kids haven’t been there on Christmas Day. Still, nothing will be as bad as the last Christmas with him and having to pretend everything was okay with all his family there!
March,
I hope you find a way to “take back” Christmas. My ex ruined it for the kids and me every year…and now it’s wonderful again. Hugs.
I can’t even admit to myself how painful my last 2 Christmases have been. Way too sad and unbearable. Trying to make a plan for this year. Sigh.
Mine too, but this Xmas was my first w/o him. The hysterical part is, Xmas’s with him were awful too, but at least we were together. Getting through that first holiday season is a doozy. BTW, I had to laugh at your language in an earlier post. IT IS SO FREEING TO BE ABLE TO CALL ‘EM WHAT THEY ARE! That’s part of why I really love Chump Lady.
Me too Rock Star. I want to spend Christmas in Arizona.
Florida. Having a drink outside at midnight on new years eve – my dday.
Disneyland, Disneyworld, and the Air Force
– went to Disneyland for a vacation pre marriage…. while there he wanted to have a glass of wine. Apparently, according to him, because I didn’t remind him of this and he forgot, he was allowed to lead a double life and cheat and spend 10k on his whore
-honeymooned at Disneyworld….self explanatory
-exH was Air Force and deployed to Saudi Arabia. While I was holding down the home front he was shagging the one single American female over there plotting how to drop the bomb on me. All things military make my stomach churn now especially all the happy reunions that are shown as I was deprived of mine. I am very patriotic but get sick and sad when I see those things now
I’m with you. Military men give me the heebie jeebies now and it’s really not fair to them that my Army stbx is a horrible person. I have a hard time believing that anyone in uniform isn’t a skeeve now, even though I know most people are good. Just can’t reconcile what I know and how I feel. I need to take this back too, but it’s too soon and I’m just not ready yet.
That sucks Ashely. Maybe he’ll melt in Saudi Arabia. That’s a place he can have, as the temperatures approximate hell.
Hmmm? Well, for me … a year out from divorce, I think it’s just the actual person and her family. I think.
Don’t get me wrong, there are areas around Atlanta I would prefer to steer clear of, but that’s more out of a desire to avoid the unlikely event of actually running into her or anybody who might know her than it is “association”.
For me, it seems odd that you are writing about this today because I was just thinking about this because I spent a few minutes on a Hopium Exchange forum yesterday (long enough to mock some of the more cultish nonsense they sell there), and one of the mods triumphantly posted, “Well, my marriage is recovered, so it worked for me!” (they know there that I opted to divorce after dday 2).
Out of curiosity, I explored some of the threads that “happily reconciled” person had created, only to discover that it was replete with what they called “triggers” leading to hypervigilance and occasional confrontation with their spouse, and these threads covered the span of many, many, many years, and that’s leaving out many, many, many years of similar threads on another forum that poster used to post on.
The theme of those threads kind of read like this: “We are so terribly, terribly Happy!”, “The sex is great!”, “I think he might be having an affair again”, “Relief: he was just upset about the car breaking down”, “We are happy, happy happy!”.
And this pattern has persisted for many years! Totally exhausting. And this was a success story?
Yes, for a while I felt really envious of the women whose husbands were willing to work on the marriage. Mine wasn’t. But I’m fairly certain that the vast majority of them will come to the conclusion we have — eventually. Meanwhile they’re hurt over and over again.
While I stupidly feel I still love him, I know me. I could never f*ck him after he put it in someone else. Sorry to be so graphic. Knowing this about myself I’m doing my best to move on.
It’s not stupid to love him or feel you do. But for me at least the challenge ismto love myself as much or more. The Bible saying, “Love your neighbor as yourself” presupposes that we love ourselves in a healthy way–we love ourselves enough notntomstand on the train tracks while the train is coming, enough not tomtake in poison every day.
I was on one of those forums briefly, came with some book I bought. I’m an engineer so it helped me, I went correlating to find any success stories you see? I found ONE, on a forum that went back several years. I found dozens of people who had been doing the pick me dance, excuse me, who had reconciled.but.nearly all of them spoke of it taking 2,3,4 years before their spouse gave up the AP. And many of them talked about how they’d done it by pulling a 180, I don’t recall what that even is, but it sounded like they were turning themselves inside out in order to win back their spouse. How the hell does anyone stand that shit for years and still love their spouse? I could not wrap my head around that. I unsubscribed from that forum.
Ah yes. Michele Weiner’s Divorce-Busting site. I used to hang out there several years ago, while doing the pick me dance .
As I recall, a 180 is doing the complete opposite of what you would normally do in response to anything your spouse does. You pretty much act like someone other than yourself (the implication being that your normal reactions have been wrong all along.) Acting in this manner is supposed to surprise or startle your spouse into taking notice, apparently. I can see this being effective if one normally lets one’s spouse push them around or abuse them emotionally. But it can also imply that you shouldn’t speak up about something that might bother you (if that’s how you usually handle it.)
Oh dear lord, the 180 is the MWD (Michele Weiner‑Davis) cult 🙂
That one’s pretty bad.
I thought it was an SI thing.
But I do agree with the notion that you should go about your life and not engage with the cheater. Not in an effort to “win” them back (look at me! So carefree!), but to not hurt yourself further. And seriously, like anyone is going to take up an improving hobby immediately after D-Day that is not vomiting and crying.
Sadly, I think SI borrowed that from MWD.
And it’s not about No Contact. It is about “winning them back”.
Here’s a sample list of 180 goals (apparently it may vary as the name implies you do the opposite of what you would normally do or what you feel like doing in an effort to win back your spouse):
Michelle Weiner Davis’s Divorcebusting 180 degree example list (or as I like to call it, “How to become a human pretzel”:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
If you are going to present as so easily rolling with the cheater’s actions, seemingly unruffled, and even carefree, what incentive does he/she have to stop? You’ve just made your aspect of the cheater’s life more accepting and appealing, while he/she continues to eat cake. A truly remorseful cheater person might get it, but a narc cheater??? Pullease…. In the meantime, the chump is getting GERD and a couple of auto-immune diseases from dealing with the internal stress of denied righteous venting. Sorry- projecting….
What I lost but would not necessarily want to take back? NEW JERSEY from about Hoboken down, Atlantic City and towns off of the AC Expressway, and Philadelphia – strip clubs by the airport, Newtown, New Hope, Pennsylvania,… Oh, and Forest Hills, NY.
I no longer live in that region, PTL.
Actually, I think that most of this list would be pretty good advice IF the very first thing on the list was “Boot their sorry ass out of your life”. The first several are basic no contact and many of the others are basic self care. My favorites, though, are:
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. (They are trying to tell you how much they suck. Believe them)
24. Be Patient (you’ve just been psychologically beaten within an inch of your life by a psychotic, it takes time to heal)
27. Take care of yourself (see 24)
28. Know that you can do this (You are stronger than you know and you will get through this.)
Actually, BookLady2 (great handle, btw), you’ve got a great point. Just re-read the list and, reframed from a post-chump standpoint rather than reconciliation, lots of it actually makes sense.
T H I S
Re #6 “Do not ask for help from family members.”
WTF? Like, your whole world has been turned upside down; who the hell else are you supposed to turn to for support?
I am so, so, so glad I never got involved in this whole reconciliation thing. I got the proof I needed, and 3 weeks later I was gone. This list is making me feel seasick.
Yep. I’d be bald and emaciated (and possibly worse) from stress right now if not for my family. Thankfully, I’m just somewhat gray.
DefyingGravity, no MWD means don’t lean on your family for support unless you know for a fact that they support reconciling… because… you don’t want anybody telling you that you don’t deserve to be treated this way. That, in the DB lexicon, is a step toward not reconciling.
So get out your biggest spackling knife and a bucket of spackle, and don’t let anybody who might actually care about you enough to say “dump his ass” know anything is wrong. You’ve got to manage the impressions for your cheater.
It’s horrible, horrible stuff.
I read that one as “Do not ask for help from family members (to get the cheater’s head on straight).” IDK, but I doubt anyone who’s serious about helping the chumped would tell us not to rely on our family members for other things, like support.
Sadly, SOME Family members can be Real ASSHOLES about YOUR Pain to You..
Sometimes they’re too Close to the Situation..and can ACTUALLY BLAME YOU for what Happened.
Been there.
You’re supposed to keep it all inside until you explode, and smile while you’re doing it.
My response to this list of horse-crap is if you have to do all this to “win back” your spouse, why bother? Why try to win a prize that is not worth the trouble. Your cheater spouse is not a “prize” at all actually but something that you should actively be “giving away” to their affair partner.
Yep. This was my thought exactly, even when I was heartbroken. I’m not going to bend myself into a pretzel to “win” a cheater. Wow, what a prize.
Exactly, Nicole. But when you are under the influence of hopium, you yearn for a place where the pushers and suppliers abide.
I get some of it, but most of it is the stupidest shit I’ve ever read. I would never have made it without leaning on my family. My very elderly dad was my rock.
What did I take back? The college town where my daughter is in graduate school. After DDay, I learned that was where X took the church lady to fuck. I had found a beautiful B&B there and I was damned if I was going to let them have that place! Whenever I visit my daughter there, I rent a lovely little cottage on the grounds andI always take my daughter out for a nice meal. I still have to make myself enjoy it, but I do not let it show. Ever onward!
Clearly, you skipped over reading #33, then 🙂 Never give up, no matter what.
That’s pretty unequivocal. The implication being that if you don’t follow the program, you failed the program. Almost all of these cultish programs have a subtle subtext of “If your marriage isn’t ‘saved’, then you failed to follow the program”.
Snake oil.
In Other Words..Play Hard to Get… Cause it’s the CHALLENGE they Miss..
You KNOW WHY that Shit Doesn’t Work ??
When they Do Get You Back they Go BACK to Their Cheating friggin Ways.
Fuck that Noise..
Do All That and Divorce their Ass…
Give your Fabulous Self and Heart to someone who Actually DESERVES You and Wants and Values You, WITHOUT Having to LOSE you First.
Number 19 is my favorite! “No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.” This wasn’t going to happen. I couldn’t stand the sight of him so I threw him out. My main concern was just trying to eat and get some sleep. I didn’t have the energy to show him happiness and contentment. Give me a break.
No, it was not possible to do No. 19 way back then, after D-day and after abandonment. But NOW, a year later, now I can do it. I don’t want to give him the kibbles of seeing me cry again. EVER.
Yeah. Number 27: sleep. Well, if Michelle Weiner-Davis says to do it, gosh darn it, I’ll surely be able to!
“No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.”
Yeah, I remember that one. It seemed to me that was a mindf*ck played back on the cheater. So that now NEITHER person in the marriage is acting authentically. WTF?
The 180 is where you act like you’re totally happy and unconcerned that your spouse has fucked you over, lied, cheated, and broken probably every promise they ever made to you. I remember reading up on it on another site.
There I am, the week of D-day; I’m utterly and completely smashed and broken apart, and I’m expected to run out and hang with friends, pick up new hobbies, act carefree and unconcerned and that’s going to make him “come out of the fog.” I read that shit and thought to myself, I’d rather have a root canal than go through that nonsense.
I found a lawyer instead.
I agree, that RIC stuff just adds more sickness to an already sick situation. You’re supposed to act carefree and be strong and if you can’t, it’s your fault for losing them. That’s like saying you should spring to your feet after being ploughed over by a semi truck, and if you don’t the driver gets to blame you for causing the accident.
Ugh..I am so tired of the advice..even though it’s well-meaning. “Take up a hobby.” “Go places with friends.” Today it’s been 4 months from Dday, and I certainly haven’t felt like doing anything yet! I actually have people say ‘Well it’s been 4 months..shouldn’t you be over it?” Really? 26 years in a relationship and in 1 day it’s destroyed? Uh, no. I shouldn’t be over it. But really, thanks for telling me I should be! Geez.
Well, those people are being unkind as well as uninformed. One thing about the 19th century that made sense was the notion that people mourned a death, not just of a spouse, but of any relative, for at least a year. And then, the person went into half mourning, coming out of black clothes into other dark colors and beginning to go back into the social world. And no one would have been stupid enough to say “you should be over it.”
Sandy..I Hardly EVER go Out..
Everything I CARE About is Right here WITH Me…
and You know WHAT, You’ll Get OVER It, When you Get OVER it…
THEY DON’T GET to Tell YOU WHEN you’re Over It…
Grieve at your OWN Pace, Hon.
Honestly They THINK They’re being Helpful..They’re Actually Being Insensitive TWATS.
Don’t worry about what THEY Think…
And Unless they KNOW what it’s LIKE..Walk in YOUR Shoes..They Haven’t a RIGHT to Tell YOU Shit.
It’s only been 4 months. Don’t worry about what anybody says. You don’t put a time-table on it and do whatever the hell YOU want. Granted I’m feeling much better 6 months out, but I hibernated for most of that time, but that’s ok because I needed it. You’ll get there.
Agreed. It’s one year after being dumped and I’m nowhere near in “dating shape”. The XW tells me “life is short, go meet someone”…easy for her to say when I’m the one who can’t trust anyone. No, life is too short to choose poorly again just to fulfill some supposed social “requirement” that people are “supposed” to be coupled. Marriage is not a need for me anymore, it is a want, and for things I want I think I’m allowed to take long as possible to choose well. I think that now the dust has settled a bit, I’m not afraid to be by myself anymore, even when I’m an old man.
As for what I’m taking back – I’m taking back my identity and integrity. I’ve compromised too much of myself to try to make others happy, and I got crapped on anyway. I don’t think it’s OK for one spouse to expect the partner to be in lock-step with the spouse and not expect to reciprocate.
Wow, CW, I can’t believe your ex is telling you what to do! The nerve. Well I guess that really shouldn’t surprise me, should it? They have all the answers.
Sandy R, please ignore any comments that are made to you. You will heal when you are ready to heal because we all have our own time line. Of course you are tired because that is mental exhaustion due to of what has happened to you. I used to say “I had a sore head”!! I don’t any more. I was married for 37 years (met when we were 18, so 44 years) and whilst I will go to my grave sad about what has happened, I am relatively happy now. I am a very serious person by nature so therefore I wallowed maybe longer than someone else might but you “will get over it” when you are ready to. My very best wished to you.
“I was married for 37 years (met when we were 18, so 44 years) and whilst I will go to my grave sad about what has happened, I am relatively happy now. ”
Isn’t it amazing that we give the cheaters more than half of our lives in most of our cases, and they flush it all down the toilet in a second? Are you or will you ever be at the stage when you want to date again? I am afraid I will have trust issues for the rest of my life, all for something that I didn’t deserve to have done to me. None of us did.
Of anything I’d like to leave behind is the loss of trust in womankind. Actually, men too as I’ve been poisoned to believe thru stbx’s many affairs that guys are scum. Rationally I know (and remember the conviction) that most people are good and decent, caring and loyal. The nearest experiences in our lives tend to form our strongest perceptions.
I’ve also mourned the lost of the romantic ideal of perfect unions and even marriage itself. Once I’m out of the tangled crappy marriage, I’m done with the institution.
So what’s my triggers? The things the remind me of the lost of innocence.: happy families, couples holding hands, ‘perfect’ moments.
Me third with the trust issues. I’ve come to the conclusion that the ONLY man I could ever trust was my dad.
Sadly, my children can’t say the same…
I am right there with Maree. Long term marriage, together since I was very young. Will never consider remarriage.
Sandy R, no I will never date again. I am now 62 years old and I am often told that I have beautiful skin (I can’t see it), am still very attractive (I can’t see it), and still have a lovely figure (I can’t see it). I have only ever had one love and that is my ex husband, so I would be terrified in that respect. I am more than happy with my own company. I reason my solitude with the fact that if someone who I gave my life to can turn around and do what he has done, someone else wouldn’t give a second thought to hurt me. I am still confused in some respects.
There is no Way to ACT like that for Soo Long Without actually BECOMING That Eventually.. which basically Means..Well Becoming Unfeeling and Disordered Yourself by Reprogramming, when there was Nothing WRONG with you Anyway, at the Start, Besides being ” HUMAN ” and having the NORMAL Emotions that Come With the Territory of being Fucked Over by the One who Promised to Love, Cherish and Honor You Their Whole Life Long.
Living a trigger-free life now, nearly 9 years out.
My husband (the good one) came into my life within six months of D-Day with x. We’ve made lots of new, wonderful stand-alone memories on our own. But early on, when I was still so fragile and still navigating the divorce process and it’s aftermath, we had a standing half-joke: “Re-Write” when we would do something fun or take a trip in a place that had once been “special” for X and I and/or our kids. We realized that we were writing a new ending, writing a new story for those triggers. Some of these places I “took back” on my own within months of “D Day,” for example the park by the river where x and I used to go with the kids, well I just kept going. The River was there long before “us” and will be there long after “us.” Our problems and my problems seem small next to the River. I worked through a lot of pain there. I had fun with the kids there. And my new hubby and I love to take the kids there together now. Other examples were the VIP season tickets to outdoor concert series. I kept our tables, sold all but two spots to friends and acquaintances, and invited my brother to go with me as my “date” until hubs came along for the next season. Not only are there no more triggers, but I can barely remember going to those places with my x now. I guess the first place I “took back” was my bed and my house. One simple thing changed how I felt in my bed: I switched sides. I had always slept in the spot furthest from the door to the bedroom, reassuring myself that I would be “protected” by my husband if an intruder came in. Turns out, he WAS the damn intruder! One sleepless night after D day, I moved to x’s former side of the bed. Somehow it gave me a new perspective. I’ve slept like a baby ever since.
Yes, I agree that you can rewrite the bad memories. One bad memory was of my ex acting very cold towards me at a particular sporting event. While leaving afterwards he stalked ahead of me down the steep stairs, leaving me far behind to fend for myself. He never once looked back to see where I was. It was so clear that he was disgusted to be there with me. Anyway, I went to the same place with the new man I’m dating. He turned around and held my hand to make sure I got down every step. He continued holding my hand as we left the building. I kept thinking how nice it was to be “overwriting” such a painful memory.
Great phrase, Lyn: “overwrite.” This seems a bit more badass than ‘rewrite,’ but that may just be where I am 7 months out. Thank you.
Your story makes me sad,then glad. I think most of us have been through this meanness demonstrated by our spouses. Good for you! You deserved this! Kind of like Karma said “this is the way love looks like!”
Wow, Delta! Within 6 months from Dday the good one came into your life? Have a secret formula you can share with the rest of us? Lol!
I like the idea of muttering “Rewrite!” every time you encounter one of these places or things. Good for you, Delta!
Me too, love it, gonna try it too!
That’s sweet. I love the idea of a “re-write” and having a partner that not only understand your past pain associated w/ a place/event but also actively helping you change it.
<3
I took it all back, forced myself to revisit all of those damn places one at a time, it took me two years. I don’t know if it makes things much better, I don’t trigger much anymore, but a lot of times I feel like something’s broken inside.
I did my first overwrite about six weeks after dday at a location where my ex and the OW were at the same event. It about killed me but I knew I had to do it to claim my territory there too. And I am so glad I did. (I went with a friend who knew everything and stayed by my side. I will always be thankful to her for that.) Since then, I have been back multiple times alone for various reasons, and it is getting easier. I went to that location before the ex, knew all those people before and during my marriage to the ex, and now I am going back after and staying involved…
Thing is we had alot, and I mean ALOT of shitty times together. For me, revisiting some of those places, especially the ones I loved, was about seeing if they were better because he wasn’t there. And you know what they mostly are. Amazingly everything is better without him.
Sometimes I have a real “lost” feeling. It’s really strange. It feel like mild anxiety mixed with a feeling of disconnection. The feeling was really bad around Christmas when neither of my kids made it home for the holidays.
Sometimes my life feels like a book. It’s like I turned the page to the next chapter and discovered all the characters and settings changed. The previous narrative is broken.
God, yes. That is the very feeling. I’ve never experienced it before. It started up after the not eating, crying, looking like a dead person” phase had ended.
I am still in the phase where everyday I wake up and cannot believe this happened to me. My daughter is 4.5 months old now and I cannot believe what this monster has done to her also. I saw horrendously graphic texts to the OW and they haunt me when I am awake or asleep….I live a daily nightmare. 2.5 months since DDay. When do the flashbacks and nightmares stop? I am consumed by what I want to say and do to the STBXH and it is so difficult trying to be the bigger person and say nothing after what he’s done. Really feels like no justice in this world 🙁
Are you on antidepressants? They may help. I’ve been on Xanax for a few months now and it helps. My therapist says these triggers are a huge symptoms of PTSD, so it’s a real serious matter. Will they go away soon? Unfortunately not soon enough. It takes years for some of us.
No I am not on antidepressants as I am still breast feeding. I am very lucky to have the support of family and friends and have moved back with my parents as was not coping – especially with a newborn and toddler. We’ll get there though, will not let that POS destroy my life!
Atta girl, Next. It will get better. It really will. I saw horrible texts and emails and oh, gah, I don’t even want to start thinking about them. Every once in a while some sentence flashes into my mind, they are all seared into my brain. Where’s the brain bleach when you need it? But still…..I am one year out from being abandoned and 18 months from D-day. The unwelcome thoughts are much less frequent…and are now accompanied by thoughts of “what a jerk” instead of crying. It will get better. One foot in front of the other, hon. Go get a hug from your family….love on that baby girl. The smell of a breast-fed baby is the best scent in the world!
Somedays the disconnect is so strong I wonder if I just imagined the whole thing, a past life maybe.. Like a repressed memory bubbling up. How else can one wrap their brain around half your life and most everything in it gone “Poof” ?
It’s called DEPERSONALIZATION –>> psych student here.
Depersonalization?
I know what you mean. Right now I am so disconnected I feel like someone else has lived the last 37 years of my life. Maybe this strong feeling is what is keeping me for “reconnecting” with the marriage and WH and continuing to try and hold on.
Time to let go.
I know Mike. For about a year and a half after D-day the first thought I had when opening my eyes in the morning was “I can’t believe he did this!” I’m happy to report I actually have other thoughts when I first wake up in the morning these days.
Lyn, that lost feeling and particularly the feeling of disconnection, are post-traumatic-stress-type reactions. I often would think of what my ex did and NOT QUITE BELIEVE IT, and I would have to reason with myself, “no Kelly this is not a dream, yes he did cheat on you for all those years, yes you are divorced and he is gone, no he does not even see the children.” To me, we are so overwhelmed that our minds just “blink” and cannot quite take it all in at once. This happened to me most often as I started to recover, I was not thinking about him and What He Did constantly, and then would suddenly remember. It is less often now, but still once in a while, as they say, “the mind wobbles.”
Wow Kelly. Wonderful description on our feelings post Dday! I too have to remind myself quite often that this isn’t a dream (but definitely a nightmare). I think that the disbelief that someone whom we loved for so long could be so cruel, heartless and selfish catches us quite a bit. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, to say the least.
Yes. exactly.
Sometimes that’s the thing that SAVES us..Till We Can HANDLE the Truth..
Almost like..A Child Being Molested Blocks it Out, Till they are OLD Enough to Understand THEY Didn’t Do ANYTHING to CAUSE or DESERVE It. The True Blame goes on Their Molester..Not on THEMSELVES.
Kelly, this is me. The only difference is that my 2 adult kids have cut me dead and have chosen their father even though I raised them. Daughter 35 and son just turned 32. Such a loss of everything.
Wtf maree?? What’s the rationale behind their thinking?
Maree, my best friend’s husband died last year and her grown kids have been downright evil! They were raised with silver spoons in their mouths and my friend’s husband left her bankrupt paying for all their toys. Sadly, she was unaware of how bad their financial situation was until he died. The last time one of her daughters was in town, she tried to steal a valuable family heirloom.
Seeing what my friend has gone through I know two things. First, financial infidelity can be as traumatic as physical infidelity. My friend hasn’t worked outside the home is years and is devastated that her husband sacrificed her financial well-being for those ungrateful beasts. Second, you can be the very best mother in the world (and my friend was) and your kids still might break your heart. It has NOTHING to do with you; it is up to them to grow up and start acting like caring adults.
I hope you have a wonderful trip and enjoy all the beautiful sights. You deserve it!
Louise, thank you. I sincerely wish your dear friend happiness and peace of mind. Being a good parent does not always have many rewards as some of us are finding out. It is interesting but my teenage (back then) parents became violent alcoholics, never paid bills and we had the police divisional van pull up nearly every Friday night to take Dad to the station for nearly killing our Mother. We lived in 33 homes in 20 years, mostly never had the gas or electricity connected and as for food, if you didn’t eat well on pay night which was Thursday and Friday night on you went hungry and it was stale bread and dripping. Today the authorities would remove the 4 of us and yet we still loved and respected our parents. We must have been stupid because we all grew up to be really decent and good people. My kids have never known any of this type of thing and yet I am treated like dirt.
Maree, sending you a very big hug right now.
Hardship is defining. Either you succumb or you rise above, but either way it marks you. I think this was true for a generation of us.
In the age of entitlement, perhaps the same can be said for the lack of hardship.
Maree, I have been following your comments and posts here and know that you have suffered an incredible loss. Along with all of the other never-ending rewards of breeding with a fucktard, having children who share DNA and personality traits of our exes may be the most awful reward of all. (((BIG HUGS)))
“I took it all back, forced myself to revisit all of those damn places one at a time, it took me two years.”
Mike, I did the same thing. Called it “The Exorcism,”… a conscious decision to face the demons and stare them down so that they wouldn’t linger in my life and sour it forever. [By God NOBODY was going to evict me from my own life or consume it either.] Over the long term, I believe it helped me to not trigger any more and to lose that broken feeling which permeated the first year.
I don’t know how long it has been for you, but do believe that facing our fear and pain and discovering that they do not kill us tends to speed up the recovery process.
You will also lose the broken feeling. Please work on making it sooner…
***
“There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.”
― José N. Harris
“By God NOBODY was going to evict me from my own life or consume it either.” EXACTLY!!
notyou,
I have the last sentence of this quote taped to the top of my computer monitor at work. I read it several times a day.
WH is texting me today to try and persuade me to hold on and “recommit” myself to him and find the love that I use to have. The love he has spent the last two years post-DDay killing off piece by piece with his continued lies and betrayal.
I’m so tired. I think it is time I love MYSELF.
This quote is handy too.
There comes a point in your life when you realize:
Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won’t anymore,
And who always will.
So, don’t worry about people from your past, there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.”
― Adam Lindsay Gordon
THIS.
Kammie, This poem applies too. I just kept focusing on that last line!
After Great Pain, a Formal Feeling Comes –Emily Dickinson
After great pain, a formal feeling comes –
The Nerves sit ceremonious, like Tombs –
The stiff Heart questions ‘was it He, that bore,’
And ‘Yesterday, or Centuries before’?
The Feet, mechanical, go round –
A Wooden way
Of Ground, or Air, or Ought –
Regardless grown,
A Quartz contentment, like a stone –
This is the Hour of Lead –
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow –
First – Chill – then Stupor – then the letting go –
Oh you guys are good. The poetry I sent my husband:
Vile and ingrate! too late thou shalt repent
The base Injustice thou hast done my Love:
Yes, thou shalt know, spite of thy past Distress,
And all those Ills which thou so long hast mourn’d;
Heav’n has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turn’d,
Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorn’d.
LOVE. Thanks for sharing this, notyou.
Thank you, notyou. This poem is so beautiful and eloquent.
The last two years I have been saying over and over again, “I don’t know why I can’t let go.”
Not sure the trigger thing has reached the UK yet, or I’m possibly very slow on the uptake – but I’m not 100% sure what it is.
If we are talking things / places that trigger unhappy memories, then I have a list a mile long. I decided most of them were bittersweet though – as a lot of the places, I’d had both good times and bad times with the ex-H. I suppose if there was going to be a place, then it would be the bedroom in our old home, as it was there that I first suspected ex-H was having an affair. However, I lived in that house for 3 years after he moved out, so perhaps I don’t associate things or places with those kind of horrors.
Interesting, I’ve never really thought about it before!
Right now my triggers are daily and after so long w/ him so many places, movies, jokes and stories are triggers. I have a very long list of things that IMO are “ruined” for me. It seems I add to it often 🙁
One place I doubt i’ll ever get back is a RI state park/lighthouse.
We spent countless times there when dating and then he proposed there.
It is one of my very favorite places.
In addition to that my brothers ashes were scattered there.
I’ve been there once since this started and it’s just too hard. I don’t know when I’ll be able to go there w/o thinking of the day he proposed.
I think I missed the mark a little…
Cheating triggers!
a hotel
emails
a rose he gave me after he finally PICKED ME after the second time – I have a pic of it that keeps surfacing. It’ll be deleted eventually but not just yet.
the smell of alcohol. during the second time he was DEEP into it. Hiding it. Ugh. I can’t stand the smell of it. The poor guy that gets me next can’t drink 😉
I have more life triggers than cheating triggers.
Be Up Front with that, and you’ll Never have to deal with a Miserable DRUNK.. BONUS !!! :):)
I want to be able to look at my kids’ scrapbooks. I was chumped our entire marriage, so all those photos have become triggers for me. Every holiday, family vacation, special event, now I know what was going on behind the scenes.
I fixed one of our wedding photos by putting Benedict Cumberbatch’s face over my STBX’s. And a friend did the same with a family photo. Now those pictures make me giggle. But it’s hard to do that with 23 years worth of photographs and memories. Looking forward to getting those memories back someday.
I haven’t tried to look at our family photos yet.
“I fixed one of our wedding photos by putting Benedict Cumberbatch’s face over my STBX’s.”
Hahaha! That’s awesome! 🙂
Ooh, are you also a Benedictcumbersbitch, are you Teri?!
Canada’s largest city, where we all moved and 6 weeks later he began goopy goo w howorker. Hotels I stayed in during love bombing to throw me off the trail, stupid gifts for the same reason, cafes, bars, restaurants, neighborhoods. all beautiful places. Subway platforms I threw up on, store clerks I broke down to, and anytime i hear an iphone text beep or phone ring. Which is like, always. Nothing here has been happy. 18mos later I’m stuck here, finding out yesterday that the finances do not in any way work for me to move. So this beautiful clean international city makes me sick to my stomach every day and I’m not leaving. I want to take it back, not because I love it, but because I don’t want a place that doesn’t give 2 shits about ME dictating my emotions every fucking day. I’m 4 mos from dday, in some sort of reconcilation bs, and up to my neck in debt and tears. My goal is to say “bring it Toronto, I’ve got this”. I felt a twinge of meh for the first time, and my focus is being a great mother and working on getting rid of some debt by working. It will move me forward instead of continuing to be that paralyzed inactive pitiful lip blibbering fool in fetal position in the corner. My 3-5 yr goal is financial independence, so get out of my way.
I’m a transplant, too, Rock Star, and I hear what you’re saying. At the same time, I don’t know that being somewhere else would make the experience of surviving chumpdom any less hellish. In some ways being away from Boston is great for you because at least the city you call home won’t be tainted by association.
Personally, I don’t know where “home” is anymore. I’ve spent all my adult life living overseas, mostly in Asia, so I have to find it within. That’s a real bitch, and yet at the same time, I know that inside that is my real freedom. Hope that twinge of ‘meh’ you felt turns into the real deal. Thinking of you.
* HUG * Stay Strong and KICK ARSE. I’ve Got Faith you Can DO It.
She can have:
Las Vegas (the ultimate cheater hook-up destination)
VW Beetles
Apple products
Video games
Georgia O’Keefe paintings
e.e. cummings
Brazilian music
Yeah, for more than 20 years she was a trend whore. Though she was out front by at least a decade when it came to the trend of cheating.
I already took back:
New Orleans
Sex
New York City
Boston
My kids
5 years out and very little left to be reclaimed. Perhaps Paris for me as well, though I don’t think I ever lost it. Really more like my associations of Paris need to be thoroughly cleaned, like expensive sunglasses dropped in the toilet. One trip ought to do it. Maybe even one bite of one baguette eaten under the plane trees in the Tuileries.
I had the Paris aversion going too. We had several wonderful trips there. When EXH started affair with now spouse it was in Paris. I’ve since returned with kids and had a great time, but always stay on the LEFT BANK now.
Yes, redo on Paris too. Many great times but also many times he turned on his heel and walked away from me, even once late at night in an unfamiliar area. I had find my way back to the hotel. He didn’t seemed concerned when I opened the hotel room door. What a gentleman.
We stayed several times in an apartment near the Bastille that wasn’t my favorite place, yet he insisted. I joined after he had been there a week for “work” and unknowingly slept in the same bed his Russian whore had been in with him. I wondered why he made a big deal about cleaning the apartment and changing the sheets before I arrived…
(I apologize to any Russians on this site. She could have been from anywhere.)
aaaaa, the unscrupulous Russian women… I’ll leave it without a further comment.
Wow, such a prince, nwrain! You are well rid of him.
Facebook. I never log on without thinking about the shock of seeing his page with MOW as the only friend and no posts. Funeral homes and memorial services–the First night I know the Jackass was in her presence and interested enough to miss a Friday evening and overnight with me. He also used taking his mother to wakes as an excuse for not having time to see me. So icky. Going to the neighborhood where both of them live (my tax accountant has his office there)–he told me during his “talking about buddy’s sister who lives 3 blocks away!!” stage. For a long time it was seeing anything he had worked on at my house or seeing pictures of his cat (we had picked her out together)–but I have worked hard to get that stuff back as part of my life. Going into the movie theater and restaurant and other places that we frequented when we lived together–still get twinges but fading to meh. And I fear my birthday will be tough for a while. It was the last time he saw me of his own volition, and he dropped me off early to go home. I was so puzzled–until I saw the FB page and realized he had wanted to get home to exchange texts with MOW.
My h was in deep with (now ex) ow and she attended a family funeral, it was the first time I ever saw someone say hello with her mouth and I hate you with her eyes. Granted, she also said, “I dress like an idiot, my hairstyle peaked during the Clinton administration, and I’m socially inept.”. The fact that my h grabbed my hand and paraded me (unknowing) in front of her and everyone like we were an inact family pisses me off. So do the 5 million texts they sent each other before and after the funeral. I skipped the last in-law funeral 2 wks ago and according to h, my absence caused a lot of drama for his family. I caused drama. seriously.
You know What..Fuck Him and his Family Drama.
“Funeral homes and memorial services–”
Okay, here’s something dumb. I have an emotional trigger when I read an obituary that says “such and such were married 50 years”. I have no spouse to put into mine! Will it be “were married in 1989 and later divorced” or no acknowledgement that I was married to the jackass at all? And seeing both grandparents with their grandkids..boy does that hurt. I thought I would share my grandchildren (none yet) with him. Heck even seeing couples together right now makes me want to burst into tears!
I hear ya, Sandy. All of that sucks.
And CL–sorry he ruined Pittsburgh for you. It’s a wonderful city.
You pronounce “iron” wrong. (urn)
You leave out the verb “to be.”
You say “warsh.”
The car needs warshed.
And it’s off the Pa. turnpike — world’s worst highway. (Although I’m sure there is some debate on that.)
But I’m sure some parts are charming… I know it’s irrational.
Yinz have no idea how great ahr dahntahn is…
Oh, yinz guys! I want Pittsburgh back, too! Cheater STBX and I both grew up there, and my family still lives there, and he took the ho there when he went there “on a business trip” and stayed with her in the hotel where we spent a night of our honeymoon. Jagoff.
Heh, I posted on Facebook that I gave up jagoffs for Lent.
Oh, just don’t pick up the jagoff habit after Lent…
Until you’ve driven the freeways here in Los Angeles, you don’t know worst highway! Especially the 405 and the 101…….. I practically have a nervous breakdown when I need to drive on those.
Yep.
All true Tracy, BUT we do put French fries on everything from salads to sandwiches, and you have to admit that’s pretty effing awesome 😉
me too!
And GO PENS! We are rabid about sports here. 🙂
I second what scotty said!
You forgot to mention how we “redd up” (tidy up), go down to the crick (creek), drink our pop, use gum bands (rubber bands) and we love our chipped ham and jumbo (bologna)! Oh, we love to put “jimmies” (sprinkles) on our ice cream. One thing we universally know is that those cheaters are jagoffs!! 🙂
Pittsburgh really is a great city CL.
NO fucking debate the PA Pike SUCKS and the New Jersey TP is a close second,,,,,
We’re the City of CHUMPions! Ha ha!
He can have –
-Most of eastern Europe; it’s a beautiful place, and most of the people I met were amazing, but ex-in-laws and multiple OW are there, just can’t do it.
-Celine Dion, the entire Iglesias family, Marc Anthony (yep, his faves. That alone should have been reason to divorce his ass.) Any “love song” station too…blech.
-Las Vegas (his fave place to go, although about 6 months post dday, I did use his frequent flier miles to go there, by myself, just so I could claim it for me, if I wanted to. I won $200, but don’t ever plan to go back)
-the sport he played for a living. Luckily, neither of the kids want anything to do with it either.
– Stuffed cabbages (see #1)
Things I keep
– The house – although we fixed it up together, it’s the only home the kids have ever known and the neighbors HATE him 🙂 ;
– The bed (all new high thread count bedding and pj’s though – that exterminated the cheater germs for me);
– The park where we vacationed as a family – I was going there with my family long before him; he was just a annoying blip on the screen.
– The park where we got married – same reason; and
– My life. It’s mine again.
“-Celine Dion, the entire Iglesias family, Marc Anthony (yep, his faves. That alone should have been reason to divorce his ass.)
Thank you a million times over for a good laugh! I needed that today, the 4 month “anniversary” of Dday. Now if you would have thrown Cher, Bette Midler, Donna Summer and Whitney Houston in the mix, I would have started thinking that maybe he was a drag queen on the side!
What a wonderful topic, as 6 months post D-day and a month after my divorce, I am finally sleeping in MY bed. I couldn’t do it up until this past Monday when I was in my room folding clothes and I said “fuck it, it’s time.” That was really the only trigger I had. I’m so happy to be back in there with no icky feelings. And I mean none.
Things he can have:
The entire downriver area, Toby Keith, All country music, NRA, Anything related to Tennessee, constant hunting and bagging strange pussy, guns, and his over-inflated sense of pride for his Army career. Oh, he can have his shit serial cheating family too.
Things that are mine:
Kayaking, casinos, trips to Chicago, Mackinaw Island, Detroit Tigers, prime rib, Garden Bowl, Detroit Symphony Orchestra, creative freedom, friends, and a sense of well being I haven’t felt in 12 years. I’ll take those back. 🙂
Yes! And Motown music too! Michigan driving ( driving faster than 80 mph on the highway). I take back elk rapids and shorts brewery too
Always and forever a Motown girl at heart. Thanks, ANC!
Love your list of take-backs, Rumbekitty. I’m a Michigander, too, and especially Mackinac Island (and the ferry ride over) is too precious to leave behind. I can’t wait to take my girls there and ride tandem bikes or one of those horse-drawn carriage tours around the island.
PS Go Tigers!
No one can take Detroit from you! No one! Or Mackinaw Island. Its glory supersedes all cheaters.
Unfortunately no one wants to take Detroit back. Someday we’ll be back, though.
I do! Indian village, cork town, the ridiculous people mover, Greek town, hart plaza, the Fist…
Gah. No Detroit slamming please. We get enough of that all over the media. But Ok, I’ll take Detroit. More for me. 🙂
I was relocated to an area close to Detroit because if stbx’s career.
I am loving Detroit – and despite it’s problems – i have now got places and memories that have nothing to do with my past. Detroit is mine and he can keep Niagra Falls!
I love Rust Belt cities. They got Chumped, too.
You’ll have to share it with me. And I didn’t mean to slam it, just stating the obvious fact that we have a bad image these days.
Yay! Oh I’m taking Eastern Market back too. That was mine first anyway. 🙂
I love Eastern Market. Used to eat breakfast at Zeff’s. I like Hirst too.
Ha! I want the DSO and Tigers back too, also, throw in the Red Wings! Mostly, though, I want my cottage back. It was in my family since I was a kid. My parents gave it to us and it became “ours” because we gutted it and made it really nice. I had dreams of spending lots of time there during our retirement, happily ever after, blah blah blah. Now I still love it but it also reminds me of the biggest disappointment in my life.
“Ha! I want the DSO and Tigers back too, also, throw in the Red Wings! ”
I’m a huge NFL fan, and a die hard Packers fan. Thank God he was a Vikings fan and couldn’t take my team away from me!
You take that cottage back! It was yours first so make it all yours again. 🙂
Christmas
My Birthday
My daughter’s birthday.
Yup — communications, dirty pics, shmoopie emails all exchanged on the most special family days and asshole still insists that he always wanted to spend MORE time with me, but I was inattentive (guess I should have attended to him by asking him to please stop humping the i-phone and help me with clean-up).
Also, ultrasounds. I can’t look at one without my stomach flipping as I’m pretty sure he boinked his morbidly-obese ex on the same day that he accompanied me to an ultrasound appt. Who are these people????
I have been thinking this past week that I want to take back my birthday this summer. Last summer, dday was the week before my birthday. I want to do something special this year to celebrate with the friends who helped me survive this year.
THIS-Asking him to stop humping the iPhone!!!!!!!
HA HA HA!!!
I need to borrow that quote as my stbx is still doing this on a regular (daily) basis.
‘Cuz don’t cha know there is limitless porn available for free.
F’in Loser!
“Also, ultrasounds. I can’t look at one without my stomach flipping as I’m pretty sure he boinked his morbidly-obese ex on the same day that he accompanied me to an ultrasound appt. Who are these people????”
What a fucker! And I agree 100 percent..who ARE these people??
The entire Island of Puerto Rico…
Sorry Percival!! I’m Puerto Rican, I hope being a fellow chump will give the whole island of PR some points in our favor?? 🙂
Thanks Nat. She cheated there twice with the OM. Once during our anniversary…
For a long time I couldn’t go into lingerie departments without feeling sick to my stomach and wanting to cry. It was as if the other woman had the right to be sexy and I did not. It’s difficult to explain but that’s just how it was for me. So I guess you could say he took away my ability to feel sexy.
I was so focused on what they were up to and all the places they’d be at while I was stuck grieving in a shitty run-down house with two small kids that everything felt like a trigger. Like every nerve in my body was raw and unprotected.
It has been ten years and although I have come a long way I don’t think I have fully recovered my own sense of self. I have had counselling and moved on in some respects but there is still residual crap that gets in on me. Infidelity is so damaging to one’s psyche.
Tonya, I don’t know what will do it for you, but I got involved at my local gym and got my “inner athlete” back, along with my body. That was one aspect of who I was before I started making other people more important to me than I was–and that was well before the Jackass ripped the heart out of me. I am still exploring that stuff. Listening to my music. Figuring out what I love in this life. Whatever you loved before him–find a way to do it. Even if it’s just dancing to your favorite music in your living room or taking picture or putting the PJs on and watching Law and Order marathons. Make a list of what makes you YOU. Of course it’s taken you awhile to get untracked–you have small children to take care of. Blessings….
“I was so focused on what they were up to and all the places they’d be at while I was stuck grieving in a shitty run-down house with two small kids that everything felt like a trigger.”
Same here, Tonya. We’ve lived in a house that was a rental property and really mistreated. Well, things continued to fall apart during the 16 years we’ve lived there, and the asshat would never do a damn thing to fix anything! Shitty house? Perfect description of mine! Here’s the kicker: He was at her house one time, FIXING HER WATER PIPES. Hell if that happened at our house, the kids, dogs cats and I would have floated out of Iowa. When I found out about him fixing her pipes (in more ways than one obviously) I got soooooo pissed off. Not providing a comfortable home for his wife and kids is fine and dandy..but oh my..when the OW needs help, he’s her frickin’ Bob Vila!
Sandy R, I hear you. Not only did my ex do up her place, he did up her mother’s place too while I fixed holes in floors and walls and painted and decorated and even managed to lay carpet. I’ve learnt to use a saw and a mitre and all sorts of other stuff so I now have my place looking nice and cosy – sort of a casual shabby chic country look that has been put together on a budget.
Hammering nails is a good way to divert anger!
Tonya, the thong I found in the bed was Victoria’s Secret (yes, the cheaters are cliches). Won’t shop there. But I believe it is every woman’s God given right to have decent lingerie. You know what’s better than cheap ass OW lingerie? French lingerie. Go buy yourself some Aubade, Chantelle, or Lou bras. Or try Marks & Spencer (we can order online in the US now and free shipping!) Quality sexy underwear for quality sexy people. Let the cheaters have Fredericks and that crap. Don’t let infidelity take away your ability to feel sexy. Cheating isn’t sexy — it’s cheap. Like crappy bra cheap.
I love Simone Pérèle. I discovered that about 2 months after dday and considered it a good investment in taking care of myself.