What Did You Lose By Reconciling?

i-never-make-the-same-mistake-twice-ecard Somewhere this week Huma Abedin is bitchslapping herself. If anyone ever was a good example of a bad example for reconciling with a serial cheating fuckwit, it’s her. How much worse could it be? Oh, hey, your husband’s wandering dick and penchant for underage sexting could could trigger an FBI investigation and influence an election. But whatever! 

How many more innocents must suffer because of Anthony Weiner’s weiner?

Okay, with all the dire warnings I give about reconciling, even I could not have foreseen such a clusterfuck. But the situation does underscore an unpleasant truth about reconciling — you will pay a serious price for staying.

Now, the conventional wisdom on this is I’m glad I did it anyway. I had to be sure. I didn’t want to be a quitter. Those aren’t my values. I wanted to save my family.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said those things myself. And maybe I believe them, or once did. However the further out I get from it all, the more I wish I had just bolted at the first D-Day. I marvel at my chumpdom and the colossal spackle edifices I built, and I cringe. Thus this site. You all have the benefit of my stupidity.

It’s funny I’ve never asked this before — but today let’s list what the costs were of staying. Did you lose more money? A job opportunity? Your last chance to have kids?

Was it worse than you knew? At what cost did you stay?

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Braveheart
Braveheart
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Wow. Just started reading you today—- and I am so giddy! I have been a chump/chump for 33 years! Spoke with an awesome divorce attorney recently, who told me to “sit tight” (waiting on 2 inheritances to come my husbands way)! My husband is not only a sex addict, he’s also a sexual anorexic—- and I have put up with his passive-aggressive self all these years…. what have I lost? I guess the worst of it is any sense of being a sexual being… and both my breasts to breast cancer (Lefty at age 39 and Righty at age 44)— that the SOB never, ever cupped, kissed or fondled them before I lost them. I cannot tell you the degree of chumpness I am… but by golly, I am proud to have kicked his sorry ass out Nov 1 — 18 days shy of our 33 anniversary. I am free of the lies, gaslighting, and the pathetic, unsincere words he has spoken to me all these years. Free at last, free at last, good God almighty, free at last!!!! …… Clarity!!!!!! I have lost nothing!!!! I have gained myself back!

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Braveheart

Welcome Braveheart – you fit right in!
I know that feeling of never having your breasts fondled (and other parts) and that was before and after plastic surgery. (waste of money as I thought he’d like them then).
I’m so sorry you lost yours to ugly cancer.
I got it in my right breast and had them remove both implants, but I didn’t need the actual breasts removed. {{Hugs}} to you.

You are the same age as the majority around here.
I thought it was a 7 yr itch.
Turns out it’s more like a 35yr old itch – got dumped her for a woman 10 yr younger, and the X is an old fart who needs a nurse.

You seem like you are very far ahead of the ‘game’, but probably still in deep pain.
We are here for you and have your back.

I like you Name!

Lulu
Lulu
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I lost my prime reproductive years.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

I lost 18 more months, tens of thousands of dollars on living expenses, MC abuse, gave him time to line up his lawyer with the whore while I was pick me dancing, my sanity, almost my life. Yesterday I ran into a woman I met on a course last year. She immediately commented I look radiant. She didn’t know anything about what has been happening over the past two years. Note that I have been working 60-70 hours a week since April and I am exhausted after lambing! She’s right, I look like a huge weight has been lifted. Turns out she went through the same thing as I am, and lost huge money to a similar bastard. Gave me great encouragement, hang in there, every day I stay on the farm I get to do my thing, keep fighting and do what I love. When I am on my own I only make a mistake once. Awesome woman. I lost months not talking to other chumps and getting brainwashed instead. But I was determined I would not be the one destroying our relationship. It was not in my interest to do what I did, but I did it with integrity.

NoKibble4U
NoKibble4U
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Me too. I got let go at the buzzer. Xhole had me served the day before my 43rd birthday. He picked up a young schmoopie, so he gave himself about 9 additional years to choose to be a parent. He told family/friends that he left because he wanted kids and I didn’t (actually, I had wanted kids, he didn’t). Any how, he and Schmoops have been married for 1 1/2 years, and no little pitter patter of feet to date.

Hopium recovery
Hopium recovery
7 years ago
Reply to  NoKibble4U

I lost my reproductive years too. It is heart breaking to me. We got married when I was 41.5 and I knew on my 42nd birthday that he was screwing the 25 year old slut puppet musician that he he had been working with in my home for the past year. As soon as we got married, he turned absolutely awful. In hind sight, he had many side sluts and always kept a constant harem of sext hose who I have no doubt were hook ups too. I should have dumped him when I found out about Bambi when we are our dream vacation in Hawaii 2 months after we got engaged. But he had explanations for how it wasn’t really him getting the bj in our attic, they were not believe able but I soooooo wanted to believe him, and I wanted the dream he sold me on. So I sex addict spackled, insisted on therapy, which he lied about attending, barely could make it through our wedding without getting busted again. Once the wedding was official, the abuse, devalue and discard began. I held on for another year while he used my money for the car I was paying for, which he used to take him and slut puppet all over the country on a fuck fest (they put 50k miles on it in one year), used the $10k I gave him (he said he had to get his guitars out from hock, why he would need to hock anything when he had everything paid for he couldn’t explain) to finance the fuck fest, used my rental property to engage in another life with the slut for a couple of months (unbeknownst to me) while It was on the market, and, this is the final kicker, all the while his mom was living with “us” in the home I paid for, so I took care of her while he was gone on his fuck fest for 6 months. I am 4 months out from divorce where I ended up giving him money just to go away, and I know I have no interest in dating for a long, long time, if ever. So no, I will never have any biological children, thanks to him.
When I still had contact with him, I was crying about that to him one day. He coldly said that he couldn’t have bio kids anyway. This after we had been trying for a few years and him talking all the time about the babies he wanted with me. All a lie to use me and take all he could. It was a shocker to him that I filed for divorce though. You see, he wanted to stay married so his mom would be comfortable, I would pay for his life with slut puppet, and he could come back when he “forgave me” for whatever he could say disappointed him. Durt even almost manipulated me into buying a house as a rental property that he had picked out with slut puppet. Lying all along that they weren’t together and I was imagining things, even on the day he finally moved him and his mom out to go live with the slut puppet in a house he had bamboozled a female groupie he was probably doing on the side of the side slut.
Sick, sick monster. So is slut puppet as she was complicit in the lies. Joke is on her though. She got a sociopath, liar, serial cheater who continues his habits even though it is twu wuv. She wins the stupid prize because she KNOWS what he is capable of, and is throwing her life away for the dream he wove. He no doubt promised her babies and a beautiful life together too. Maybe the face that he cheated on his newly wed wife with her would be a clue that he is not the dreamboat she thinks. Nope. Too stupid.
I hate them both, although I am glad she got him off my hands before I wasted anymore of my life, my love and my money with that hell.
Please excuse any typos.

holycrap
holycrap
7 years ago

Dude, you are misogynistic as hell. She didn’t have any obligation to consider you. He did. He made vows, she didn’t. Concentrate on him.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  holycrap

Sometimes the OW will smile and grin in your face that she “took” something that belonged to you and she’s proud. Ask me how I know….NOT a good feeling. Unless she didn’t know about the wife, she’s just as culpable and selfish as he is. Sure, he’s cheating, but he can’t do that without her.

Susan
Susan
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

I lost the future I thought I had .

SheChump
SheChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Susan

Susan – ‘I lost the future I thought I had’.

Susan, I tend to disagree and believe HE gave away his secure future.

Your future has just shifted.
Yes, the earth has moved beneath your feet like an earthquake.
But, you’re still standing with your head held high.
YOU have nothing to be ashamed of.

I can’t tell you how much I’ve realized this.
Yes, I’ve lost a lot of Switzerland ‘couple friends’ and some of his family, but in the end, I have the full respect of the small community I live in. People instinctively know who is the rat.
And, it’s not you.

You will gather all the strength you have to get your new future working for you.
He, on the other hand, never thought about his future and the consequences.
He’s weak and not prepared, believe me.
Since they weren’t gaslighted, lied to, cheated on and stolen from, they don’t have the backbone we’ve developed entering into our new futures.

We’re tough and mighty with what we know.
They are simple minded and probably caught very off guard.

Especially, like me and others here; when you show your strength by starting the divorce process on grounds of adultery and shocking the shit out of them when you surprise them by serving papers.

My tough X went from a domineering, mean-spirited, controlling, double-crossing liar to a whimpering troll when he realized how expensive the attorneys and divorce was. HA!

And absolutely flipped when he heard I’d been trailing him for 2 yrs electronically.
Too late buddy.

(sorry if I rambled there)

KB22
KB22
7 years ago
Reply to  holycrap

Holycrap-that is horseshit! Yes, the spouse made the vows but anyone that engages in blowing up a marriage or family is complicit, period. Also, she did not have use Hopium’s properties, vehicles and money to support her affair. However, I’m rather sure these two cheating defects belong together and Hopium can move on to a better life.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  holycrap

He’s never going to leave her for you, holycrap. You’re just another hole to him. Congratulations, you’re a whore.

Janus
Janus
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

In Texas, they call it “fraud on the community.” The courts have awarded damages against the adultery partner. Ditto North Carolina and some other states.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  holycrap

Actually, as part of the social contract, other men/women DO bear some responsibility for mate-poaching, betrayal, fucking around, whatever you want to call it. Even 5 year olds know lying and using resources that belong to other people are wrong.

St. Elsewhere
St. Elsewhere
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest….

I love your wisdom on different posts. You nail it for me pretty well.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  NoKibble4U

That’s awful, I wish you could be compensated for this.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thank you. 🙂

WhoamInow
WhoamInow
7 years ago

I filed in 2010. Took him back and spent the next four years playing the “Pick Me Polka” until early 2015 when the divorce was finalized.

I lost me.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  WhoamInow

And now you can get you back. And rebuild. You are stronger and wiser.

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago
Reply to  WhoamInow

I lost me too but the good news is, I am finding myself again.

Staying with him for so long taught me some hard lessons but now I know what I won’t put up with and that I deserve better.

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
7 years ago
Reply to  WhoamInow

“I lost me.”

THIS!^^^^

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago

I reconciled after Affair #1, and it cost me so much of my kids’ childhoods and their well-being.

I was living in a non-reciprocal relationship with an entitled, crabby, negative, critical guy. I was so preoccupied with that roller coaster, I was a far less attentive, less patient mother than I should have been.

I gave my kids the on-going stress of a home where there was frequent friction and conflict, and where they constantly saw the example of a relationship where one person gives, and the other takes, and takes, and takes. Where one person makes efforts, and the other takes the easy route. Where one person is disrespectful and hurtful, and the other takes it.

I gave my not-always-easy daughter the example of her father; you can be mean and nit-picky and selfish, and still have people around who love you and care for you. I gave my son lots of time with a father who really didn’t like or appreciate him, because he is so different from his dad.

Six years later, there was Affair #2, and I kicked him out. For the first year or so, I felt glad that I had tried reconciliation; at least I knew I had done everything I could to save that relationship, and my kids’ intact family.

But as we got happier and happier without their dad around (of course he was also one of those dads who spends less and less time with his kids, post-divorce), I realized how much damage had been done, by my staying. Now I regret it very much. I should have had deal-breakers, and I should have provided a much healthier home for my kids to grow up in.

mimimia
mimimia
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Oh my. I just had DDay #1 eight weeks ago (though I suspect there was something else going on a couple years back that I never officially found out about, and of course he denies it). I’m glad to be reading this because, no matter how pumped up I get feeling about calling it quits for good and not wasting my time in therapy (he won’t even stop seeing his affair partner, he claims he doesn’t believe that our relationships have to be mutually exclusive) with him when he clearly has no remorse, which for me is a deal breaker since there is no relationship of any kind between us that can be salvaged if he doesn’t even take accountability for the royal fuckup and how badly his actions have hurt me and his children.

BUT…somehow I get these sentimental moments where I wonder if it’s really the right thing for the kids for me to walk away without going to therapy (even though he is still seeing AP). Like maybe if we were in therapy and me and the therapist said he had to stop seeing her, he would and then everything would change and the unicorns would start galloping in…it’s SO delusional, I know this. But the fantasy carries me away because I so struggle with how this is hurting my kids and I’m still attached to my vision of an intact family.

Reading what you write here though, it’s life saving! This is what I need to hear to have the courage to end this. It’s not whats right for my kids. I feel so much better and freer without him around (he left three weeks ago for a separation before we’re supposed to start therapy in January). He is so hard on my oldest child who is very sensitive, and the other two have very little connection with him. I know it’s not a healthy dynamic, I just get all confused and think maybe it will change and I will never know if it could be unless I try. But I did. And he’s the one not trying here. (Except for trying to have cake).

I’ve got to stick with what I know! I’ve got to get out and get a better life for me and my kids because we deserve it, before I lose their precious growing up time and any of the happiness I have in growing up with them. I feel for your pain in having lost that, and I feel so thankful for your sharing so that a poor chump like me can learn!

Denise L.
Denise L.
7 years ago
Reply to  mimimia

Get. Out. Now. I wasted 25 years of my life on that roller-coaster smoking the hopium pipe desperate to keep my family intact. Guess what?? The (30 year) marriage crumbled anyway and I cannot get those years back. Starting over @49 and back to school to support myself has been surreal. Zero closure on the breakup..he has a great education and job..got a new gf immediately and it’s like we (his 4 kids) don’t exist. Unbelievable. Run. You will be doing your kids a favor. He is a grown man..either he wants you or he doesn’t. You don’t need therapy to figure this out. #cakeeater

Iamphool
Iamphool
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

You would not know this had you not been through it. Lesson learned the hard way but good you’re overcoming it and happier for it

Belinda
Belinda
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

You have also written my story. Especially the self blame where it comes to the example you set for your kids. However, you forgot the most important bit. Reaching that final aha moment. Your ‘not always easy’ daughter knows there is a moment where people will say enough, and simply walk away. And your son has seen and learned, that ‘the good guys’ (ie you), come through in the end.
My kids are 19 and 14, and the positions are reversed (not always easy son, and more laid back daughter, with Fucktard favouring our daughter also). What I did, was apologise to my son for me not having made better choices when he was younger, and although I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping the family together, but not looking out for me, it had impacted negatively on him, especially. It’s taken a few years, (puberty is such a bitch!) but as he’s maturing and we talk more and more (even when he doesn’t want to lol) I can see that most of his difficult (ie like his father) behaviours have been learned, and although he’ll have a disrespectful flare up from time to time, those negative, nit picky, critical aspects are diminishing greatly and rapidly. He chose to go pretty much nc with his father just after his 18th Birthday – his father had love bombed him to the stage where it was impossible to continue with him living in the house, so I sent him to live with him. Was a huge gamble, but as soon as my son stopped being what his father wanted him to be, and could see I wasn’t the enemy here, he made his own choices….especially as his own father’s d&d of him was brutal.

Shesjustafriend
Shesjustafriend
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Boy did I need to hear that!

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Karen E, I was tempted to quite your whole post because yea, that was my life.

I ended up in a totally unbalanced marriage where he acted like a spoiled ass.

The kids lived knowing there were unspoken secrets.

My sons had a dad around who didn’t seem to appreciate them. My daughter learned that a person could be a giant pain in the ass and people would coddle them…huge mistake. I don’t know that any of my kids will ever make good partners.

I think that one thing that happened at DDay was that he thought his giant multi-decade lie (that he was a serial adulterer) was unraveling and I would learn all. He scrambled, backpedalled and stonewalled and the big lie didn’t come out. I had been living in a false reality and it continued…I thought I was participating in a marriage that had a chance…it wasn’t a marriage (it was a manipulation) and it had no chance.

I lost a chance to live a real life.

It is an interesting to consider if he would have kept the same life insurance if we had divorced. My guess is that he would have…it was all set up and would run through 2025 (in case he dropped in his prime earning years). I hate that my life is easier with him gone, that is tragic in its own right.

TIW
TIW
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I hate that life is easier with him gone, that is tragic in its own right. Know we can move on with our lives, not living there lies.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  TIW

It’s so sad, isn’t it? All we wanted, all along, was to be happier WITH him. But what we got was to be happier without him. The price of our happiness was getting the man I loved, the father they loved, out of our lives. Tragic.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

I was just thinking this same thing today.
Now that all the dust is settled, the rage and anger are mostly gone….it seems to come down to what a shame all this had to happen.
It wasn’t necessary and I really do think, now that it’s hit him, that he wished he hadn’t been so flippant about being in love and needing a different life.
My gut tells me he is not happy. For, how could he be? He was a hound for adoration from his family, his co-workers and his friends.
All but his co-workers (clients) are so disappointed in him.
His family doesn’t seem to pay much attention to him anymore (they liked me) and he lost so many friends that I almost feel sorry for him now.
Even his mom keeps praying for him. (he needs it)

Like in Fargo, the cop at the end says….’and all for what? A little money.’
(as she’s almost ready to drop a baby)

That’s how I feel.
All that history, down the drain. All for a fling he thought was true love.
And, they’re not even together anymore.
He lives in a trailer in a trailer park.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

That pretty much sums it up, KarenE I stayed for the kids, and if I could do it again, I’d leave much earlier for the kids.

I’d also be better off financially, and I would have had more of my youth (and here I’m using the term “youth” pretty broadly) to spend in better ways.

Beenchumped
Beenchumped
7 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Yes- exactly what I was thinking too. My career years gone (I was a SAHM the last 17 years because he had to be more successful than me. I made more money and was in management before him at the same company and I’m 7 years younger. I thought quitting would give him the confidence he needed to be nice.)

I thought the kids would be better coming from an in-tact family. Wrong. We were a disgunctional, walk on eggshells, cowering to Dad family.

My youth gone (sounds shallow I know, but my body, mind, chance at having other children had I wanted to…)

My retirement and financial stability because Indodnt work and he pissed away so much money on his hobbies while I felt guilty spending a dine on me. As a SAHM I only wore hand-me downs from his mom and niece, hair cuts at great clips…. Him you ask? New car lease every 3 years, designer cloths only, hair cuts, massages at the best places, he “works and needs to keep his appearance” Actually all that was for the serial cheater to attract women.

Sorry about type-o’s — phone typing is not my thing.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

KarenE, hindsight is 20/20…
At least new chumps may benefit from your comments.

Overcomer
Overcomer
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Yes Karen this! This was my story and then I added another year of pick me dance and more humiliation of groveling after we separated.

It’s been 5 years since I moved out and 3 since the divorce was final. My adult children and I are just now starting to talk about how he infected their lives and we are getting closer. They all have just about cut the ties with him and seem to be crawling out of the bomb he dropped on their life.

I look back at the chaos, insecurity and selfish behavior he created under a cloak of smoke and mirrors and see crystal clearly now how I wasted most of my lifetime and my children’s lifetime pick me dancing with my kids dancing next to me.

I have to say for others reading this, looking for answers, we now are really doing better and healing, individually and as a family. My adult kids are beginning to explore how their fathers narcissism interferred with their lives and are recognizing it. We have the rest of our lives to live, not without challenges because of the narc, but to truly live happily and authentically is so much better! Everyday further away is like being able to breathe a little more deeply with a little more happiness seeping in and the promise of more to come.

My son told me recently “mom, I am glad you’re doing well because the better you are, the better the three of us kids are”

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Overcomer

“My son told me recently “mom, I am glad you’re doing well because the better you are, the better the three of us kids are” – Job well done Overcomer!

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

I didn’t reconcile, but I did live a marriage as KarenE described while X was having his affair. It was torture, and I didn’t have the benefit of knowing why our marriage was circling the drain. If I had, I wouldn’t have worked so hard at trying to fix it. So when DDay occurred, it explained a lot of the two previous years. By then I was so worn out and disgusted by his abusive behavior that I knew I couldn’t voluteer for that again.

wideawake
wideawake
7 years ago

^^ This ^^
“I didn’t have the benefit of knowing why our marriage was circling the drain. If I had, I wouldn’t have worked so hard at trying to fix it.”

All the lies & lies, & the only-while-he-was-@-home negativity, & the mean irrational irritability… were finally revealed (by the AP) to actually be 3 long years of utter betrayal… as meanwhile, I had been trying from every angle to “make our marriage better” & he lied & lied thru every single day. Ugh! Such an empty & angry user.

For me, there was just no ‘Reconciliation Menu’ possible to follow that heaping 3 year platter of shit & entitled contempt for me & for our loving & fantastic children.

Yellowsunshine
Yellowsunshine
7 years ago
Reply to  wideawake

Yup. Luckily, mine wasn’t clever enough to keep this up for years. I assume he thought his AP wouldn’t rat him out. Took six months of him claiming depression and the old ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ shit, until the AP had evidently had enough of him coming home to me.

I thankfully found chump lady within 4 weeks of the pick me dance. From that, I’ve blocked him on everything, and heard nothing since.

I’m so very hurt, and the seasons changing is reminding me of the time he told me he didn’t love me. I will take a long time to recover, but I come from a family of strong women, and I know I will be okay.

I just hope karma finds its way, and I’m so so so grateful that I found CL’s blog and CN so quickly!! Four weeks. I am seeing from your posts that four weeks is a blessing. I couldn’t have done it so quickly without you guys. This needs to be recognised by the whole world!

Those who’s stories I have read of regretting years of reconcile- I am sorry, your kind natures did not deserve such abuse. However, your efforts were not wasted if you look at it in regards to helping other people with your story. You saved potentially years of my life. I thank you eternally xx

Beth
Beth
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

KarenE, you wrote my story too only it was 4 years in between instead of 6. God, the damage those years did to my kids… If only I had known. The damage those years did to my pride and to my ability to love myself are untold. We are all better, happier people without him. I REALLY wish I’d known that.

getting real
getting real
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

KarenE you are telling my story.

I’m on a train after a job interview. I am so afraid. I’ll file shortly and I am scared as he has been financially controlling. I’m still looking for work. 2 years. What if I can’t pay our bills? My savings are enough for maybe a couple of months. He may stop paying during the process. What if he drags us to court? I cannot afford it. I wish I could cry right now yet the whole world is here.

Your post helps me stay focused, even though the fear in me is so high. Tired of my son seeing the same things. Tired of being impatient and at times unloving to my son due to the energy being sucked out. That cheaters tactics to ppiss me off, trying not to react yet having to deal with the anxiety and fear. He wants me to feel scared, and I am. Just need to not show it.

DemHoez
DemHoez
7 years ago
Reply to  getting real

You’re going to do great. Don’t worry too much. I know it’s stressful looking for working, especially if you’ve been out of the workforce for awhile, but remember something: You’ve got something to bring to the table. They call you, that means they think you are qualified. No one takes the time to call someone if they don’t think they can do the job. Even if they don’t bite remember that someone out there is going to want you to work for them, you just have to find that person.

Good luck to you

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  getting real

Ask your lawyer about a status quo order. It means if he is paying the bills now, the order makes him continue.

AmIFinallyDone
AmIFinallyDone
7 years ago

Thank you for that piece of advice. I meet in week and need to look into it.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  getting real

What you can’t afford is just to take the settlement he is willing to give you. Right now, it’s not that he is controlling the finances, it’s that your default is that he gets to control them. I’m not sure where you are geographically, but going to court (as in filing for divorce, child support, spousal support and expecting a reasonable settlement) should be the place where he stops controlling.

Dixie (the Demure) Chump
Dixie (the Demure) Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  getting real

Honey, try not to worry. You are so much stronger than you know. The money will work out one way or another. It always does. Sit up straight and tall … so tall that you almost have to duck your head to get out of that train. Hugs.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago

+100. Hang in there. You have a whole posse here on your side.

If you’re in the U.S., it sounds like you need to talk to Legal Aid. They provide all kinds of help to people who can’t afford legal services. The link is below.

Also, wherever you are, contact your local YWCA (link below). He wants you to be afraid, he controls the money, and it sounds like you need some help. Call the domestic violence hotline, but do it SAFELY. They will steer you to what they provide, which often includes legal help and economic empowerment (job training, finding jobs), housing, counseling, and more. If they can’t help, they steer you to associated organizations that can. Sending good thoughts your way.

U.S. Legal Aid: https://www.lsc.gov/what-legal-aid/find-legal-aid

YWCA U.S., find local: https://www.ywca.org/site/c.cuIRJ7NTKrLaG/b.7527667/k.C931/Local_Associations/apps/kb/cs/contactsearch.asp

YWCA worldwide, find a branch: https://www.worldywca.org/about-us-2/#findywca

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

My kids said they knew our family was not the same. This was after DD1.

MehGloriousMeh
MehGloriousMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

KarenE, you just wrote my story.

So glad that we are both free and moving forward!!! Onward to Meh!

Dee
Dee
7 years ago
Reply to  MehGloriousMeh

I could have wrote that story..I stayed way way too long. Signed papers yesterday at my lawyers office..hiring a lawyer for mediation was the best advice ever! I almost went without a lawyer b/c my ex was insisting and threatening “no separate lawyers!” After reading the CL article mediation is for suckers..I quickly canceled the appointment and lawyered up. Thanks, CL..you ROCK!!!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Dee

Awesome, Dee! You took the bull by the horns; yeah, you!

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  MehGloriousMeh

Mine too.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago

Me three. Except I didn’t find out about the skank until we were in the process of divorce. But the years he treated me like shit and I allowed him to are on me. Fear kept me in a bad marriage.

HM
HM
7 years ago

Time. I lost time.

And self worth.

Now that I am dating again, I see what an impact he had on me. I’m struggling with trust and other essential things for building a relationship.

But it could have been worse, I could have lost my life.

Kelli
Kelli
7 years ago

We did a trial “separation,” which is really just code for he didn’t want to hear any “emotional outbursts” after D-day. It was only a few months, because I didn’t want to be a quitter.

In those three months, I was a SAHM, raising our then 1 and 2 year old. Little did I know, the ex stopped paying the mortgage and car note.

3 months later, after finding out that my ex conceived a child with a ho-worker (on my kid’s second birthday, when she had chicken pox, no less), I filed for divorce.

Two weeks after filing for divorce, I got a letter that my house was going into foreclosure. And my car was about to be repossessed.

The ex was a firm believer in “You can’t make me!” Whether it was mortgage companies, car financiers, his wife, human decency, or a judge, no one or nothing could make him do something he didn’t want to do.

Had I only filed when we first separated, I may have been able to get court orders and garnishment to make him pay the bills, child support, spousal support, etc., and saved myself a two year battle over money.

Oh, and dignity. There’s that, too. 🙂

Blerg
Blerg
7 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

Oh my good God Kelli-what is it with these f’ers?!? My ex used the EXACT same description of my crying jags (“emotional outbursts”).

Kelli
Kelli
7 years ago
Reply to  Blerg

The ex used to call anything that resembled a negative reaction to something an “emotional outburst.” Like it was some kind of irrational response.

Ummm, I’m sorry, but when you find out through some phone text snooping that your husband of 4 years has been having all of the sex with several women–because he is the kind who likes to video it–and you see a sonogram picture sent via text from his co-worker (hooray–the fetal heart rate was 165!), and you ask him to leave your home because you can’t stand the sight of him, that is a perfectly rational response in my opinion…

In his opinion, I was being a “crazy cunt bitch.”

We agree to disagree.

Wren
Wren
7 years ago
Reply to  Blerg

Don’t you know “emotional outbursts” are really just you “venting your anger” at your spouse? Mine told me that. And some authority who he wouldn’t name (counselor?) told him so, so it’s true.

Whitney the Chumpanzee
Whitney the Chumpanzee
7 years ago
Reply to  Wren

I wish he was calling it “emotional outbursts!” Hehe!

He put on his tweed jacket with the leather elbow patches, lit up a cigar and sat in his Dime Store Psychology Center and pondered for awhile.

His diagnosis was that I was suffering from “bipolar rage.”

According to his diagnosis, I should have bludgeoned him to death a long time ago!

When I mentioned this possible error in his diagnosis, he said I watch too much Investigation Discovery.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago

Sometimes mine would come into the room sometimes and I started watching that show where women killed their husbands. I didn’t know he was having an affair at the time. It must have made him nervous.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago

Bwaha – Annie. I used to watch those all the time.
He used to ask me why I was watching such ‘junk’.
Well, I think that junk alerted me to danger when it came knocking at my door and, by God, I was prepared for it.
It could have happened to me once we were in the heat of things and it got very ugly.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

I would make comments about how stupid the women were for their method of murder, use of a second party, leaving traceable evidence, etc. I would say that even though there’s no perfect crime, they made it too easy to get caught. He doesn’t have anything to worry about though. He’s not worth the effort.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago

I watch ID too… You might have scared him a wee bit!

oaktree
oaktree
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

Mine told me I was too angry and, because of the things I said to her after DDay (and the things I called her), we had no chance of reconciling or even being friends. OK. Who needs friends that do that?

oaktree
oaktree
7 years ago
Reply to  oaktree

Of course, though, she brought candy over to my house for me to hand out on Halloween, and wanted to chit chat about whether it was a busy night or not. I thanked her for the candy, but shut down any further bullshit right away.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Wren

When I was still upset 2 months after D-day (24 year relationship; 19 year marriage, 2 kids), then-H said he couldn’t consider continuing the marriage if I continued to be “broken.”

Just the push I needed to file the next day ; ). Now, I ain’t broken, I’m ebullient!

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I heard the same thing, along with “unstable”to describe me.
“He was seriously concerned for my mental health,”

So concerned he leaves me for someone 10-20 years younger who he has more in common with. More in common than our 20 years of marriage, a child, and 25 years of memories…

Mandie101
Mandie101
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Yea heard he was concerned for my mental health…while leaving the children with me and wanting us to be friends and trying to ask me favours. Of course he only has these concerns after I refused to take him back and said no to his ridiculous requests and called him on his shit at every turn. He is actually the one who has mental issues but hey…why face reality…ever?!

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

brit, the rats all bring out the old ‘unstable’ or ‘mental health’ card. We get it because that is their only escape clause after years of our devotion, love and loyalty and their years of neglect. How else can they justify throwing away their good, decent and supportive wives and destroying their families?

Kelli
Kelli
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I was accused of being “broken” too, yet here I am, with sole custody of the children, house, job (making more money than he does), and happy in my Meh.

Meanwhile, he has had his medical field licenses revoked, car repossessed, and living in a house owned by a friend of his with his self-identifying lesbian girlfriend, and sells used cars at a car lot owned by his mom’s boyfriend because he couldn’t get a job anywhere else…

If I’m the broken one, I’ll happily own it.

But, to those of you who are newly minted chumps, just know that the Karma Bus does eventually come to town. It may take its slow, sweet time getting around to it, but it does come. A person can’t be that morally bankrupt without it eventually catching up with him or her.

Betsy66
Betsy66
7 years ago

Oh I lost an awful lot that I now realise was preventable if I hadn’t hing in there and tried and begged so many times for it to stop!! So on that note the first has got to be my dignity. Weight and lots of it. Half of the profit made from my parents inheritance when I was forced to sell the home my children and I loved. The life my parents had wanted for me, happiness with loving people around me. Much much more but hey fuck it!! Onwards and upwards. My lesson to anyone going through that….don’t ever hang around if you have the strength to get out. I promise you all once you discover what’s actually going on it will send you insane postponing the inevitable.
Love to you all x

Marisa
Marisa
7 years ago

I regret so much especially giving him chance after chance. I was just a pawn in his game and that’s what hurt the most. I lost so much in that year. I was so focused on him that I lost myself. But with him gone and divorce in sight I see so much clearer. It was a rough road but I’m getting there.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  Marisa

Marisa, you totally described how I felt by giving him several chances, “just a pawn in his game.” Yep!!!! But so thankful that I finally woke up, got out, and have never looked back.

Better Alone
Better Alone
7 years ago

It took two weeks between my suspicions of an affair and his confirmation. Until the confirmation, I didn’t want to believe and tried to fix whatever it was that we had. Once I got confirmation, I filed and never looked back. I did lose some dignity when he brought his mother over to stay with us for 2 months and I practically erased myself from my children’s lives, my home and my ‘family’ in order to ‘keep the peace’. Worst mistake of the whole ordeal. I should have called the cops on her when she assaulted me in my own home. And then let him figure out living arrangements. Live and learn…

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
7 years ago
Reply to  Better Alone

Better Alone- I love your name!
So much truth in it.
So sorry about all you went through (and the violent in-law, UGH!)
Sounds like you got smart pretty quickly, though. ?

nomar
nomar
7 years ago

Count me among those who is glad he tried reconciliation. Lost about 10 pounds, countless hours of sleep, and a few thousand extra dollars in her illicit credit card charges, but gained knowledge that I was stronger and capable of far more compassion and forgiveness than I thought. Until I discovered yet another affair, still ongoing. Of course, I only invested in the Ponzi scheme of reconciliation for about 10 days. I don’t see how anyone counterbalances larger losses. STDs, the loss of childbearing years, homelessness, etc.

They say you shouldn’t invest anything in individual stocks that you’re not prepared to lose. I’d say the same about investing in reconciliation.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Good point but can you really afford to lose any more?

Loveydovey
Loveydovey
7 years ago

OK…so Hillary stayed too. Just saying.

In my case, I knew date 3. We went to an internet cafe and I looked him up online. He was there when I did it. It was meant to be a joke but a whole other wife was discovered as was a protection order. He was so angry. He had reasons to lie….good reasons…he stormed out of the date and stonewalled me for 24 hours. Flipped the script so the next 6 years we talked about “my trust” issues.

I empathize with everyone who gets mindfucked that way. Every time I see him doing it to my kids, I get sad. Weiner and bill and trump are sociopaths.

mickeyblueeyes
mickeyblueeyes
7 years ago

I didn’t reconcile – She had one chance with me and she blew it, I won’t be second best to anyone and certainly not the cheating fuckwit she hooked up with.

Eyes wide open
Eyes wide open
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

Good for you!! I always thought that is how I would react. My darn heart and pride is so hurt

AmIFinallyDone
AmIFinallyDone
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

I’m going to memorize that statement!

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

mickeyblueeyes, no reconciliation for me, either. Had a 9 day holiday together and three days later got told on the phone enough to know he was dating. We lived in different cities at the time. The next morning more info in an email. A fucking email. Fucking coward. Apologies. I am curiously furious of late!

There was no mightiness in me at that time. He was just totally moved on and I was meant to deal with it. In truth, however, I was instantly done. And he knew that. I had, in discussions over 22 years, expressed that cheating was the crossing of the Rubicon for me. Everything was instantly clarified. So much light shed on a shady situation that it was blinding.

In the nanosecond that this was revealed I was struck with the tsunami of waste over those years together. The loss of money (he was expensive), self respect, my friends, my home & contents, my story, my future as I saw it, any chance of a long term/solid/sustaining relationship (I am old!!) and my mind. I miss my mind the most!

Sorry for the rant. There must be a better way to learn, V

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

Me too. Only took me one D-day.
Now I totally give that credit to CL & CN which I found within hours of the actual discovery. Would I have reconciled if I had not landed here? Tough to say. I might have because the road to freedom was so perilous that I am not sure I could have done it without the love and support I found here.

Newtothis
Newtothis
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

My d-day was 6 weeks ago and its my first. Im 27weeks pregnant with our 4th child and am trying so hard to stay strong but my ‘perfect family bubble’ and future family picture keeps holding me here. He cheated only twice and it was online dating not an affair as such, i know that sounds like im defending him but he is doing everything right which makes my decision harder. The kids pull at my heart strings and ask if we can get back together, too young to know what their father has done at 8,6&4 this makes me want to fall on the sword for them but i know in the long run i need to stay strong for all of us and learn to live in this foreign world

CeliA
CeliA
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Congrats!

It took me two D-Days. The second one was ongoing with the first and that’s when I clearly saw how f*cked up everything is. The first ho-worker even knew about this and was pick-me-dancing with the 2nd. Gross!!!

MehGloriousMeh
MehGloriousMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

MBE, if only we were all so mighty from the get-go. Good for you!!!

validated
validated
7 years ago

I knew who he was, saw behind the mask and could not stop seeing behind it, over 2 years before I finally decided on divorce. I stayed out of obligation until I knew beyond plausible deniability that there was no way to negotiate a relationship with him. I didn’t understand about disordered patterns and didn’t recognize the layers of abuse. I recognized the raging, the overt put downs, the denial of my wants, lack of choices, that was how I was raised. I didn’t understand the deep damage happening to me psychologically during those 2 years I stayed.

I now wish I had pulled $20K out of my retirement savings, left him with little to no contact and filed through an attorney.

DemHoez
DemHoez
7 years ago

For me, I lost about a week. That was a week I could have spent looking for a job, so it does have a cost. I am grateful that my marriage fell apart pretty quick after DDay. If it had dragged itself out, I think I’d be out more money than I already am. I’d likely be stuck with more bills too.

It was during my second week of drama that I found this site. There was an article in which CL admonished all chumps to lawyer up which led me to read the comments. The horror stories contained within convinced me to stop playing around. I lawyered up that day. While I am still looking for a job, I know things will be ok now.

Don’t take them back. Don’t waste any more time on them guys! Dump that ass and take care of yourself.

JC
JC
7 years ago

I didn’t lose much…because I didn’t stay long enough to do so. From my first suspicion, through D-Day, to leaving her and filing, it took 6 months.

So, minor and temporary losses:

–respect from clients when I showed up reeling if bourban to work one morning,

–respect from friends who from first hint of the affair said to leave my wife

–a few hundred bucks in a sublet that I rented trying to “make a point” to my wife about what she was taking for granted (i.e. me).

–time.

It all happened so fast that these all would have happened anyway. There were three “reconciliations” thrown in those 6 months, but my wife was so terrible at lying and so insistent on having me play whack-a-mole that those reconciliations were short-lived.

I’m thankful for that now, although at the time I wasn’t.

Mimi
Mimi
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

You know, the funny thing about “friends” is that they forget to be friends when it counts. 6 months is NOT a long time to break away from a relationship you are invested in, emotionally and otherwise. People get on their high horse until it happens to them… ask them if they get nosebleeds up there.

Anita
Anita
7 years ago

My biggest regret about staying was that I spent time, energy, and effort, among other things, that I should have spent on my child on Wreckconciliaton with a whore mongering fuck wit.

Even at the time, I would cringe when I read advice to spend less time and effort on your children, cause that caused the cheating, don’t ya know? Children NEVER cause cheating. Why did I entertain that lunacy for even one second? This is precious time I will never get back as a mother.

Eyes wide open
Eyes wide open
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Thank you for saying this.

Lovey dovey
Lovey dovey
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

One of the best gifts I got in the divorce was time spent with my girls

Beachgirl
Beachgirl
7 years ago

I lost another year, on top of the already wasted 14. I lost more of my dignity as I thought we were trying to reconcile and he just thought it was fun time to play me and the OW against one another. I lost my sanity there for a few months trying to play marriage police when we didn’t even live together at that point (late night drive bys, email hacking, cyber stalking the OW). I lost money hiring a PI to tell me what I already knew. I lost more of my self worth feeling less than the beautiful OW and he knew it and endured another year of him running hot and cold on me with no rhyme or reason, the passive aggressive put downs, the silent treatments when things weren’t going his way and allowing myself to be degraded and disrespected.

All of this to just to reinforce what I knew in my heart but didn’t want to acknowledge, he is a selfish, disordered, mean, untrustworthy jerk. I say good luck to the OW, her nightmare is just beginning and mine, thankfully, is over.

Jojobee
Jojobee
7 years ago
Reply to  Beachgirl

Dignity. Shout it louder: DIGNITY. I lost my dignity in enduring his explanation of why he preferred prostitutes to me–“Of course I want to have sex with them. They’re 19 and thin.” And I danced. Thirty pounds worth of dancing and anti-depressants and and high blood pressure—but mostly I danced away my dignity.

BeowulfSabrina
BeowulfSabrina
7 years ago
Reply to  Beachgirl

I’m sorry for your pain. OMG I thought this was a post I had written, it is EXACTLY what was going on in my toxic world. I cant even describe his sick mind. He doesn’t want to reconcile NOW, but he’s keeping me hanging on JUST IN CASE, he’s off on a “solo journey to find himself” but he wants to “walk on the beach with me and cry” cos it always makes us feel better. Wanted me to be polyamory cos he LOVED BOTH OF US. WTF sick shit is THAT? I’ve been no contact for a couple of months. Best thing I’ve done. Divorce halfway through. 25 years down the drain. Done and done. I tried, I really did. But he wants what he wants and doesn’t care how it hurts his family. My therapist says he has ZERO empathy and it’s all about him. NARCISSIST and more, but NO more. We have a 7 month grandson who will never know him. Who discards their entire family like that?

Beachgirl
Beachgirl
7 years ago
Reply to  BeowulfSabrina

Sick disordered people, that’s who. Mine too loves the “poor me” routine and lamenting about HIS pain, HIS suffering, how nothing in his life goes right but just can’t seem to recognize his life is a wreck because of his own selfish entitled self serving actions. They are all cut from the same cloth.

Eyes wide open
Eyes wide open
7 years ago
Reply to  Beachgirl

Yes! My stbx has totally lost his moral compass. I wonder if his poor character was there all along just lying dormant. We have known each other for 29 years, married for 20. Sad for my children and for my broken dreams. Working on rebuilding

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  Beachgirl

Yes, Beach, it’s only ever about them. When my STBXH sent me an email begging to reconcile after the first D-day, after reading it several times, I realized it was all about HIM. That he felt lonely, that he couldn’t sleep, that he was struggling…. in the whole letter, he never even asked me how I was doing or if I was okay. It was so blatantly selfish…but I was in the stage CL mentioned above about feeling like giving the marriage a fair chance to succeed and I was still trama-bonded in love with him at that point, so I ignored the obvious red flags and proceeded with the wreckconciliation. I lost my mind!!!!!

Mandie101
Mandie101
7 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreEvil

Yes. I met in December of2015 after separation to speak to mine. We have two young children. He sits rotating his thumbs telling me how his life is derailed,how he has no control over anything: his job ,his work and least of all me. How he figures we could as well get back together for the children.
As I sat listening to him, not once did he mention the pain he caused us. Not once did he as how was I doing or the children. It was all him him him. In that moment I said fcuk this shit! I listened and left.

getting real
getting real
7 years ago
Reply to  Beachgirl

Beach my story too with PI. They didn’t catch him as the operatives lost him. I already know I want out. So stop wasting money for hard evidence.

Beachgirl
Beachgirl
7 years ago
Reply to  getting real

We doubt what we know to be true to our own detriment.

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
7 years ago

Much the same as others:
Lost time
Self worth/health
Money

I had a small window of opportunity where XH felt guilty and would have signed over his share of the farm. I was busy trying to save the marriage and he changed his tune. I spent a year in court but eventually won a decent settlement.

I have to admit I feel lucky I had a stone cold abandonment cheater. A true sociopath. He left, never looked back and never played me for more ddays. It could have been a lot worse and a lot more expensive. Oh well. I’m free now!

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
7 years ago

Start…..the X asshole too…left and never looked back……because he is the true meaning of COWARD!

conniered
conniered
7 years ago

Me too SOSG…I had a stone cold abandoner. He never looked back. Not even when I made the ONE attempt and emailed him. His response was a show of concern for his “friend” at work and not me. I had already asked him to leave the night before. He got a hotel near her house the night he left. He didn’t play me, never tried to reconcile.

Before making him leave, I lost:

My dignity. I told him that since he was “depressed” he didn’t have to say he loved me. I told him I wanted him to mean it when he said it.

My sense of security: I saw the beginning of my life as I knew it falling apart.

I experienced what it’s like for someone to fake loving you.I made the mistake of wanting the person who hurt me to comfort me. He could not even hug me and mean it. It grossed him out and I never want to experience that again.

After he left, I lost:

My self esteem. I forgot that I was beautiful and desireable. Well, it came to the front of my mind. He didn’t treat me as if I was.

I lost a lot of tears. I cried. I mourned for myself. I cried for my son.

I would say I suffered financially but that was no different than before he left.

I felt desperate to be coupled and that took a toll on my heart and sanity. I dated men that were not good for me and it set me back in my healing and moving on.

I may have lost those things but I have gained SO MUCH MORE. I am stronger and persistent. I won in court. He will pay what he owes me. I have a very healthy relationship with my son. I’ve taken a break from dating….because I don’t need to! LOL

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago
Reply to  conniered

“I experienced what it’s like for someone to fake loving you.I made the mistake of wanting the person who hurt me to comfort me. He could not even hug me and mean it. It grossed him out and I never want to experience that again.”

I did this too. That and the hysterical bonding sex were two of the most humiliating experiences of my life.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
7 years ago

Sigh…I put up with his affair for 3 years. Yes. Three. Years. I lost my dignity. In my small town, he paraded her around and all I gained was pity.

I don’t know what I was thinking. Maybe I thought he would “snap out of it.” Honestly I was scared of D Day, he went in full blown psychopath after instead of it just simmering on the surface.

Elizabeth Lee
Elizabeth Lee
7 years ago

My ex is business partners with his brother. His sociopath brother saw the writing on the wall and did a major business restructure during the extra time I stayed. I lost a LOT of money. A VERY great deal of money.

But even worse than that? My kids had extra damage from spending more time with an NPD father. The differences between my youngest and my oldest are striking. I don’t even care all that much about the money, but I deeply regret what staying did to my kids. I thought I was trying to work it out for the sake of my children. Little did I know that staying was the worst possible thing I could do for them.

young
young
7 years ago
Reply to  Elizabeth Lee

Elizabeth, you make a great point. People typically say that it’s better for the kids to stay in an intact family. Once I separated from my ex, I noticed that older son actually became more popular at school (his birthday party invitations doubled that year), and, in general, my younger son (who has had less exposure to his moody, NPD ex) is much more carefree than his older brother. People frequently remark on how happy he seems (often laughing and joking around).

Magneto
Magneto
7 years ago

My chumptitude was huge. BUT I have to say, knowing what I know now v.s. what I knew then, I don’t blame myself for trying. I spent years spackeling, for exactly what, or the reasons for it – I didn’t know. Mid Life Crisis/depression are very passive aggressive, nasty customers for all involved- especially the spouse and children who depend on MLCer. It was about 6 years of up and down before he finally had the (first?) physical affair and left.

At the first physical BD, when XH had decided to leave his family for “The love of his life, a real woman of caliber” – I had no chance for reconciliation, but I only “pick me danced” for about 3 weeks.

Pros:
I wanted to stay with him. I loved him.
I wanted my gals to have an intact family.
I have no regrets, I tried my best. Improved a lot and grew.
It was painful at BD – it would have been just as painful 6 years earlier. Probably messier with child support.
In that 6 years, his 401K grew HUGE (at the crash, 401K was way lower – house would have been a $150,000 negative balance in those years) – helped me get a new house.

Cons:
Wasted 6 years of my life being labeled as a villain to his victim.
I COULD have had a authentic relationship – with someone new – based on truth (even those hard truths to swallow) – but instead I was fed smoke and lies, lead to believe things were “good”. Psycho.

This might be sacrilege here, but I don’t think all cheaters are Snidely Whiplash personified – (many are).
People are mentally/emotionally healthy and unhealthy. XH took a nosedive and face planted in (what I describe as) a mid life crisis. He face planted (we know where) and has his own consequences to deal with based on his actions. His consequences are really just starting…

I am climbing out of my “divorce consequences” most of them undeserved – but I’m dusting off, and looking around. I think I landed quite well – albeit shaky ground today.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

However, the midlife crisis is a myth. If it is anything, it is people’s poor impulse control and immaturity finally coming home to roost. Character, not crisis due to aging:

https://www.livescience.com/12930-midlife-crisis-total-myth.html

I also had a friend describe my X’s affair as an existential crisis–X had achieved career success, financial success, had a lovely family, but thought “is this all there is?” Let me call bullshit on that, too. Hannibal turned out to have been a serial cheater in 2 long-term marriages, and had never been faithful to anyone he dated seriously. “Existential angst” is a great term to bandy about after you’ve had one too many mixed drinks at the bar, but it doesn’t get you off a lifetime of victimizing other people with infidelity and emotional abuse.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I used to me a Midlife Crisis believer but Im not any more. I think those folks have longstanding poor coping and spouses who are amazing spacklers…but at some point the process (even if it functions for decades) decompensates and shit hits critical mass and they look like the have a sudden melt down but in reality its not that sudden.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Whether it’s opinion or proven science, when the entitled, impulsive, selfish cheater asks themselves the question, “is this all there is”, that just confirms their audacious bad character.

Chumps dont ask themselves that question. The fine line of the two is nobility.

Cheaters arent noble. They are empty.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago

” when the entitled, impulsive, selfish cheater asks themselves the question, “is this all there is”, that just confirms their audacious bad character.”
Hear hear!

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago

THIS! Or at least if a Chump asks themselves ‘is that all there is?’, and decides they want more out of life, they try to get that ‘more’ WITHIN their relationship, without betraying and abandoning their romantic partner and the rest of their family. A Chump might change careers, or figure out a way to travel more, or take up a new sport, or make more friends, or even liven up their sex life with their partner. What they will NOT do in response to a MLC is fuck other people, eat cake, and lie about it!

Magneto
Magneto
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

That’s an opinion piece, not science.

BUT I agree that, like a short dog’s tail – to chase that subject down spins you in circles and ends up futile anyway.
Actions are the only thing that really means anything in the end.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Here are comments from researchers based on research (links to journals won’t post here because they are typically through university accounts). These articles do provide citations or researcher names that could be used to track down the empirical articles.
https://www.apa.org/monitor/apr03/researchers.aspx

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/mid-life-crisis-may-be-a-myth-study-suggests-a6811116.html

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yes, I’ve read some research that totally debunks the “midlife crisis” myth. Sexual addition is also a myth, not recognized by any psychological publication.

Belinda
Belinda
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Agreed.

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

“People with integrity work things through — HARD things. People with crap life skills don’t.”

My parents had very difficult times when I was a kid, but they stayed together. Because of their example, it really never occurred to me to just check out and leave just because there were problems. Looking back, though, I see that my ex always bailed when the going got rough. My oldest son once said, “When things get hard Dad runs away.” I didn’t really understand that until I looked back on our relationship, though.

Kate
Kate
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

So true!! The way we were raised..with values and sticking it out the way our parents did, well.. I would never regret that I did to try to salvage my marriage, the worst was getting my daughter (traumatized by abandonment) at the tender age of 14, ready for an infrequent “visit” and me, having fuckwit and his whore make out on our driveway while waiting for me to send her out the door. All that while finding out after a vaca in Hawaii 2 weeks later. oh the humanity?! I spent 3 years rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic until I went no contact. 21 trays of marriage but I’m doing a lot better now! My heart aches for any decent chump out there! God bless this site, I spent 4 years with RCR and she’s posting a pic of him (looking like he will leave again, with their 3 little adopted kids, she, all smiles)…sigh..I wish them well…

Magneto
Magneto
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Little to none – at least with what I see.
I hope XH can pull his %^&%^ together enough to become a father of substance to our girls that he basically abandoned for OW.

Today, I gathered pertinent documents: Settled 403B, House/Mortgage appraisal (WOW!) and I hand wrote a document specifically calling out my wishes – if anything should happen to me. I included final health decisions (to my doctor/daughter) and final division of material assets (to my most fair and even tempered one.).

I added a personal note for them to “not screw this up.” they both know my wishes pretty well.
Since I have heard nightmare stories about bio kids vs step parents. I included that these directives/desires would remain intact, even in the event of remarriage.

BOY! It was very satisfying to write that. It put a positive perspective on my day, because I can see it on the horizon as a real possibility.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

“So what are the odds they’re going to turn that shit around?”

p < .0000000000000001

DemHoez
DemHoez
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

We can reject the null hypothesis then.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  DemHoez

Exactly, and no post hoc analysis is needed.

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I could never quite reconcile in my brain his response and follow up actions to my discovery of his cheating. Once I read your book and reference to cheating as a form of “entitlement” it was my light bulb moment. From that moment on, it was like a domino effect for me and I began to see just how one-sided our relationship had been from the beginning. I will always be grateful for that brutal honesty and kick in the butt. Up to that point it felt like I was drowning and no one else understood what I was going through.

UnknownComic
UnknownComic
7 years ago

Fifteen years and a chance to put down roots somewhere I wanted to be. We always moved for his jobs. All the while I would start over every time, leaving friends and family behind. His salaries kept going up and mine flattened out. Of course when we finally divorced he had lost yet another job, and so I didn’t even get a decent long term support settlement.

I wish I could have those years back.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago

Didn’t really get the chance. Mine told me about affair when pushing me for a divorce. I tried about a month to get her to reconsider before I caught her in another lie that took advantage of my chump nature towards her. That day I cut her off completely and shortly thereafter found chump lady. Honestly, saved me and prevented me from reverting back to comfortable which would have been pursuing a dead relationship and emotionally dead person!

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago

I lost a lot but maybe not as much as some.

I know I lost self-respect, time, money, the possibility of more children and just overall happiness. I let him rob me of so much, including all those years of having a relationship with someone who actually loved me and wanted to build a real life with me.

There were so many clues and red flags telling me that he wasn’t good for me but I pushed forward anyway like a silly, lovesick school girl who didn’t know any better. But I did know better. Especially after the first D-Day. So I accept that I held on way too long. He may have been a wolf in sheep’s clothing but I was the one who kept on pretending he was something he wasn’t. I was the one who had convinced myself that he loved me no matter what. I just wasn’t ready to accept that he never loved me. I wish it hadn’t taken me so many years to realize that fact, but it is what it is.

The good thing about us Chumps is that not only are we loving and loyal but we are strong and resilient which is why we are all still here pushing through the bad to get to the good. That’s what helps to keep me going every day.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

I could have written this, word for word.

I cannot believe the amount of sparkling I did for over 20 years.

And you are right. We are capable of being living and loyal. 🙂

Forest for the Trees
Forest for the Trees
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

D4G, your thoughts echo mine.

I attempted wreckociliation with my disordered wife for 5 years after D day 1, despite many years of red flags that she lacked empathy and was entitled previous to that. We had a beautiful daughter during this time, while both in our 40s. Our third child.

Then came D day 2 in March 2016, with revelations about two long term AP. One of of which was and still is current. Admist trickle truth, gaslight, and lies, I did stay in the house for another 5 months hoping for the best. I’m a slow learner.

My story is still unraveling and I expect that I won’t know the full extent of what I will lose financially, but I am prepared to accept that it may mean starting over at financially at 48. It’s good thing that I love my life’s work.

Most of all is that I lost my innocence. Which is embarrassing to say at my age. But, I didn’t realize people could be so fucked up and so callously devalue and discard their family and biggest supporters.

While i have days i get bitter about the loss of investment she represents, i try my damnest to focus on the upsides – finding myself again, my amazing kids and dogs, the beautiful place i live, and my research and teaching students.

Freedom has its price, and I choose to focus on the rest of my life and all the positives I have been blessed with as much as I can.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago

I agree the loss of innocence and faith in humanity are the worst for me.
Quite a few posters said they lost their dignity and self respect. I don’t agree with that. I think fighting for your relationship and being loyal to the end is always dignified. Don’t beat yourselves up with that one, chumps.
Brienne of Tarth rules. Loyal and brave!

IntegrityIntact
IntegrityIntact
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Forest, I’m sorry. For all that you’ve been through. But I have to say I’m happy you have your daughter, and all of your kids. I have read so many things on here these last few weeks that feel like they could have been written by me…word for word with feelings, things that happened, actions, “cheater script”. Please do not say you feel embarrassed for your loss of innocence. I think most, if not all, of us here love the way we do because of that. Who thought we’d ever not keep our marriages/relationships and spouses/partners? We meant our vows. We trust. I agree with you and GetMeFree completely…I never even fathomed how incredibly fucked up the person you loved the most can be. I still don’t, and now understand I never will…discarding your “best friend” like a nonchalant piece of shit.
One of my favorite quotes lately is “Oh sweetie, monsters are real and they look like people”
But I also wholeheartedly agree with and thank you both for saying you focus on the good you have in your life…it’s hard sometimes when you get swallowed by the “black hole” as I like to call it, but I try to do that everyday. I too, have my beloved dog, and I DO NOT know how I would continue to fight everyday without her, especially given that my parents and brother and his family do not live in the same town as I do. I have my own house now, too, amazingly wonderful family and friends and coworkers. So many beautiful things. I like how GetMeFree says the losses are just that…lost. But like Conniered said…I don’t wish this pain on ANYONE…except my XH and his OW! Whom he is still with. And KiwiChump…thank you for saying that those of us who fought for our relationships after DDay, however futile it was, should not beat ourselves up, because I have done that IMMENSELY, and still continue to do that to myself. I appreciate you saying it’s dignified that our loyalty, in the face of massive shit sandwiches, still never waned. Until it needed to. Brienne of Tarth is the role model for us all! And Arya, feisty little thing that she is 🙂 I wish I had found all of you 18 months ago, but I’m so grateful for you now

conniered
conniered
7 years ago

I’m 45 and I totally get what you’re saying about a loss of innocence, Forest. I believed I would be married one time and for the rest of my life. And then he removed his mask. I can’t unsee him and I can’t unknow what I now know about cheaters. And I do not wish it on anyone.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  conniered

+1

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago

Perfect description. I still cannot fathom making the choices he has made and treating the people he claimed to love the way he has his wife and children. That disbelief is what kept me around for so long. And I, too, have a third kid as an unexpected result of wreckonciliation. I am choosing to focus on the blessings I have. The losses are just that. Lost.

Chumperchipcookie
Chumperchipcookie
7 years ago

I almost lost my job of 28 years. I was one of the idiots who signed up with Ashley Madison with a fake profile to check to see if my cheating hub was on there. I used a dummy email to sign up but when they required a backup email address, I stupidly gave them my work email. It was published and I embarrassed the agency that I work for. I lost the respect of my supervisors. I had to be counseled after years of a perfect work history. I will never get over it. Cheating husband is gone and his reputation is intact, but mine was wrecked.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

Ugh. Sorry, Chumperchip, but the AM news will fade with time, especially as people see your stellar character trumps anything they’ve heard about you.

Creativerational
Creativerational
7 years ago

Oh that blows

Carol
Carol
7 years ago

I lost 18, yes, EIGHTEEN, years of my life. The best years of my life…30-48. I was young and attractive. I could have found love again. Now, I’m not sure about that and I’ve given up on the idea. I’ve probably lost my ability to retire with ease, because I spent those 18 years incorrectly assuming that I could count on him to contribute to retirement expenses. I wish with every fiber of my being that I’d just cut my losses at the first D-Day, 3 years into the marriage.

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago
Reply to  Carol

I’m in that same category Carol. Married at 32, now 46. I figured those were my best years. I’m hoping that’s not the case. I’m back into shape again. New hair style. Feeling better about myself. Almost finished with my MBA. My retirement plans are shot because of him but I still have time to turn it around I think.

First D-day was three years in as well.

Forest for the Trees
Forest for the Trees
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

Lots of parallels in our stories D4G and Carol.

For me it was 9 years in before D-day 1. D-day 2&3 came 5 years later at age 47 for me, 44 for her.

I too fret a bit about how my retirement is likely not going to be studying monkeys and manatees in Belize. But, you know, that’s okay. I can adjust my expectations – as chumps we excel at that!

Personally, I am grateful that I probably have time to rebuild financially and I don’t mind the idea of working through my 60s if need be. Better to come to terms with our spouses disorderness now than waste another 5-10-15 years. I feel so sorry for all the chumps that have this baloney served to them on the eve of their planned retirement.

My kids and I are going to be mentally and physically healthier with her out of our lives for the most part. And, sad to say, that is priceless.

heissobroken
heissobroken
7 years ago

I lost whatever dignity I had left. Only lasted 2 whole months – ok fine . . . One month and then one more month just to make it look good for our kid who was devastated all over again. Worst decision of my life. And of course money, Fucktard always got what he thought he was entitled to but that’s ok, I can make more money, he however is eternally marked as an immoral lying cheating bastard – I win!! And by him leaving I truly do mean – I win!

TwinsDad
TwinsDad
7 years ago

Good thread today. I haven’t really thought that much about what I lost. At the time, I couldn’t imagine doing anything but trying to keep the family together. The thought of my kids going through divorce and then having to grow up in two houses was just so repulsive to me that I would and did do just about anything to try to keep that from happening. It took me a long time (three years) and three more DDays to accept that reality. Like so many others in CN, I had to file because she didn’t want to be the “bad guy” (HA!)

So I guess I lost time that I could have spent recovering from the trauma. I could have been much further along in my recovery sooner. That would have been great for me and my kids.

But I think, had I filed sooner and not given my ex more time to show her true serial-cheating self, it wouldn’t have worked out as well for me as a father. I doubt I would have kept the family home or been able to get 50/50 custody of my kids. So I paid a price in time and suffering, but think it was probably worth it in the end.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  TwinsDad

“The thought of my kids going through divorce and then having to grow up in two houses was just so repulsive to me that I would and did do just about anything to try to keep that from happening. ” yes, this

I was convinced that a divorce (especially if he went with that OW) would be the worst thing that could happen on planet earth and I reacted as such.

It was a LONG time until I realized that living in a bad wreckonciliation was worse.

Me & Col Greatguy met Twinsdad in DC at the booklaunch…Tempest and Chumptitude to my left and Twinsdad to my right …yes you should be jealous because they were all AWESOME.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago

I didn’t lose anything by reconciling because it was a one-and-done deal for me.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Same here Ian….one and done along with his personal stuff flying in the air in Hefty bags! Duck, bitch!

Dixie (the Demure) Chump
Dixie (the Demure) Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Ha Ha!!! “Duck, bitch!” needs to work itself into a haiku!!

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago

Yo, fucked another
Tossed your shit in Hefty Bags
Chose to yell, “DUCK, Bitch!”

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

An entire book of poems, all with Duck, Bitch!

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago

walking sluttily, you were
in my head your lies did quack
you are a duck, bitch

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Hahahaha, thank you, Ian! I love it!

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Ha Ha!!!!

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
7 years ago

I lost my kids. In the first three years of our marriage X screwed every “friend ” I had. He is an alcoholic. He sobered up, blamed the cheating on the drinking. 30 plus years later I find out he never stopped cheating when he ran off with our best friends wife. My adult kids watched his devaluation of me and my spackling and learned well. I didn’t just lose a husband, I lost my whole family. Everything I thought was real isn’t. Everyone I loved was just using me. Still can’t wrap my head around this. Feels like a twilight zone episode.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

newdaydawning, I do understand your situation completely sadly. I too lost my 2 adult children to the 64 year old ex and his 24 year old prostitute who they have welcomed into the family with open arms. As you say, everyone you loved was just using you. That applies to me as well and I can’t wrap me head around this just like you. Having said that, you have to keep going and learn to be kind, like and also love yourself. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I have found peace in my complete abandonment. I had to or I wouldn’t be here today. My very best to you and I hope it gets better and easier for you. (((HUGS)))
P.S. – If it is of any consolation, there are quite a few betrayed and discarded mums on this site. Cheaters appear to win at most things it seems. I know my ex has and continues to to do. He is covered in teflon
because nothing sticks.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Maree and newdaydawning, I am sorry for your losses. Y’all help me with your words and courage here.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Ian, thanks for your support. You are a breath of fresh air for us here at CN and you always manage to make me laugh. I think I have said it before to you but your soon to be ex wife doesn’t know what she has thrown away. She will one day but it is now all over red rover / too late. I sincerely hope that one day you will find a true love. A love that will last you for all of your days. 🙂

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Maree, I too have lost what I thought was my family. He has turned his kids against me and this was my only family. He always called them his social capital and rubbed my nose into the fact that I don’t have any after 9 miscarriages in total. I try to focus on the fact that he fooled me for 9 years when we were living and working together, so unsurprisingly he is fooling every one else. I think of your situation a lot, and your resilience, to give myself a little courage. If you can do it, so can I. You’re an inspiration.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

kiwichump, I am so very sorry for your miscarriages. One is traumatic enough but 9 is terribly sad for you. You are such a strong woman to have come through all of that and survived. Your ex along with mine will rot in Hell, sooner rather than later and I never wish harm on anybody but there are days when my own mother would be disappointed in me. Also, you are the inspiration not me of that you can be certain. (((HUGS)))

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Maree, you are just lovely! I believe your children may be fooled by your X now, but that doesn’t mean they will never see through him. I will keep hoping for you and them.

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Thanks Maree and Ian. I lost both my parents in my twenties, a sibling and a son later. My family was everything and they knew it. The divorce was a knife to the back, the kids betrayal is a knife to the heart.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

ndd, I get over mostly everything that has been thrown at me in the last 65 years but my kids betrayal I will never get over. I have learned to accept it and hope one day I will see them again but the damage that has been done I feel may be too great. I hope not but as you say it is a knife to the heart. Just remember this, your kids and mine only have one Mum and we can never be replaced.

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
7 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

“Everything I thought was real isn’t.”

Well said.

Forest for the Trees
Forest for the Trees
7 years ago

Twilight zone indeed. Perfect.

I still visit there, but less so this week than last week, and less last week than the week previous to to that, and so on…

CrazyDogLady
CrazyDogLady
7 years ago

Mine’s from a different angle. I’ve had the “joy” of living with the scumbag that is my STBX for 6 months now (as of today), because of stupid state laws. He’s gone from a somewhat detached, but I thought still loving husband, to a raving lunatic. He’s screamed in my face, he’s broken in to my room, he’s rifled through my personal stuff, he’s been showing me zero respect by being on the phone to the OW WHILE THE KIDS AND I ARE STILL AWAKE! He has shown me what an utter piece of shit he is. He has no respect for me what so ever. So, thanks to us having to live under the same roof for 6 months, it’s killed any feelings of love I might have for this man. I have a maximum of 17 more days, before everything is entered in to court. I. Cannot. Wait. I am so, so, SO tired. But at the same time, thankful that the asshole helped kill any feeling of love and respect I might have towards him. I know, there will NEVER be a wreckonciliation.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  CrazyDogLady

What a scumbag! Roll on November 18th!

Beth
Beth
7 years ago
Reply to  CrazyDogLady

CDL,

If I ruled the world this would be one of the first things I’d change – any law that requires you to live under the same roof with a cheating fuckwit for one moment longer than you want to, would be stricken from the books. SUCH a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea! I’m glad you’re almost to the end. Keep on being mighty!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  CrazyDogLady

I’m sorry, CrazyDogLady. Living with the fucktard who has gone further bat-shit crazy cannot be good for one’s mental health. I’m glad there is at least a finite limit on how long you have to tolerate him, and as you say, there’s no ambiguity about who he is now.

thensome
thensome
7 years ago

I didn’t reconcile after DD#1. We were in a “trial” separation but really, it was more access to cake. I didn’t know he was cheating during this time (he’d been cheating well over a year), and he lied in therapy and to everybody. Once I discovered the truth and that he’d taken his gross AP into our home, that was it. Done. However, I did need the police to take his drunk ass away when I told him the marriage was done.

I lost myself being married to him. He was rarely home, obsessed with work and himself. He was not a supportive, caring husband. He used my vulnerabilities against me and made them worse. My mental and physical health was declining when I was with him. He became more cruel when he knew cake was over and he showed his true colours. It was a tough go afterwards trying to protect my daughter from him.

Now my physical and mental health have improved dramatically. I find myself enjoying a quiet life and a healthy home. As others have said here, I find I’m a better Mother, friend and person now that he’s gone and I don’t have to deal with his mindfuck games. Honestly, had I stayed I think I would have ended up very sick. I’m so glad he’s gone.

sadlady15
sadlady15
7 years ago

Oh boy where do I begin? Half of my retirement savings because he conned me out of it during wreckonciliation. Almost my sanity as the verbal mental and emotional abuse escalated. My peace of mind. My happiness although I wasn’t really happy before the affair I just spackled really well. He went into a long discard and I paid his way…ugghh they really suck but hey I got a trip to New York and a fake second wedding out of it!

Broken Hearted Uni
Broken Hearted Uni
7 years ago

I so wish I had found this site before putting myself through a year of absolute hell. I think I can win the chump of the year award. Here is my wreckoncillation story…

My husband and I got married in 2014 after being together for over 7 years and living together 5 years. Four months after our wedding unbeknownst to me he started to have a physical/emotional affair with some else behind my back. Husband would tell me he was working late or going to the gym when he really was going to the AP’s apartment. It took five months before I became suspicious and went on his laptop and found all the emails, photos and proof of what had been going on. I confronted him and he promised me that he would stop all this and we started marriage counseling. We made some agreements on temporary transparency and things were OK and slowly improving (or so I thought) for three months and then he started seeing the AP once again behind my back. Nearly a month later it came out and I was so pissed I told him to go live with the AP. He did and then proceeded to get his own apartment.

To say I was devastated is the understatement of the year. It was the most horrible, debilitating emotional pain I had ever experienced in my entire life. Our friends and families were shocked and dismayed at this revelation and couldn’t believe what was happening as everyone saw how much love we had between us. Everyone saw us as the perfect couple, as we got along so well and had so much in common and love many of the same things. I was just as shocked as everyone else.

Because I loved him so much I decided to continue working on the marriage even though we were living separately. We continued in marriage counseling however he absolutely refused to stop seeing the AP and decided he now wanted a polyamorous relationship where he would see me three days a week and see his AP three days a week. Our marriage counselor convinced me to play along, that the AP would go away in time. Neither AP nor I was happy about this and the AP asked my husband on more than one occasion to leave me for him, as I also was asking him to stop seeing the AP. Husband always refused us both, he wanted his cake and to eat it to. We had to do things like split up the holidays and alternate weekend days, it was absolutely horrible. But I wanted to give it a year because I made a vow to him and even though he broke his, I wasn’t going to do the same, at least temporarily.

Early in 2016 things really did start looking up for us. Husband an I were vacationing together again. His AP was absolutely furious that we were traveling together, we’re only married after all. In May of this year the AP gave my husband and ultimatum and dumped him. We continued working for two months more on our marriage but one year after he left home he still refused to come back home and live together. He was so depressed after losing the AP. I had enough and our divorce is clearly going to be messy. He is back with the AP now. Never again will I put myself through this.

CeliA
CeliA
7 years ago

I’m so sorry that you have to go through this! What a sick absolute mindf*cking torture.

KB22
KB22
7 years ago

This is a story/scenario that will not bode well for your cheater. During the affair he also played the OW, pissed her off and made her miserable on many occasions no doubt. While at times you may not have had a clue and were blissfully ignorant, she was well aware of the situation. At all times. He went home to you, spent holidays with you and that must have eaten her up. Yup, she’ll hang in there while the divorce goes through and may even end up married to him. But……OW will not have purged the resentment she had for him while he was acting/playing husband to you and making her feel like second best, like the whore she actually is, so that will fester, big time. Remember, this OW already had issues to pursue a married man and take a back seat to you and his nonsense. I’m guessing she is at best a borderline. So she is going to make his life hell, count on it. Won’t even go into how other family/friends/acquaintances will shun them. So your STBX will suffer, count on it. In any case good riddance to bad garbage.

Broken Hearted Uni
Broken Hearted Uni
7 years ago
Reply to  KB22

Thank you all for your responses. As for reporting the marriage counselor he claimed he was “poly friendly” and had counseled many married couples through their transition to polyamorous marriages. So I don’t think he did anything “reportedly” wrong per se, and he did think we were going to make it through this. However I would never go through that nonsense again, polyamory one-sided or otherwise is not what I want in a marriage.

KB22-You are so right. My husband told me that his AP was so nervous when my husband was with me that there were times that she picked at her toenails so hard that they would come off. I’m not exaggerating or making that up, that came out in marriage counseling. My husband said “I hate when she does that”. Really, imagine that? The AP had never had a serious relationship before and she is in her 30’s. She is also $100,000 in student loan and credit card debt compared to us having no debt except for a mortgage. It really makes no sense what so ever to me or anyone else.

His mother and sister called me every week to make sure I was OK and to tell me how much they loved me and are so hoping he comes to his senses and comes home. Now that we are getting a divorce he has lost all of our closest mutual friends, some of these friends were his friends long before we met, since he was a teenager. They have all sided with me and we remain friends today. They all have unfriended him on Facebook to show their alliance to me and their disgust with how he made a complete mockery of the institution of marriage. Starting the affair four months after we had a huge wedding. We do have some Switzerland friends, but these were not long-term friends.

I will cherish the wonderful memories of the many good years we had, but boy the pain of the bad couple of years was so intense that I don’t ever want to experience that again. I have little doubt that I will move on and love again someday with someone who deserves my love.

ChefBella
ChefBella
7 years ago

1. That is a flamingly fucked up counselor. Please report the emotional abuse to whatever licensing agencies she/he reports to.

2. Polyamory is not a relational architecture that is decided post hoc discovery of an affair. Any form of ethical non-monogamy is decided prior to the inclusion of other partners or at the outset of the relationship. Breaking an agreement of a monogamous relationship without the consent of both parties is cheating. Breaking the agreements of any relational architecture is cheating. Yes, there are polyamorous and swinging cheaters. Cheating is about lying, betrayal, and control. Its not about multiple partners.

What a massive douche.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago

BHU your cheating husband and the MC bullied bullied you into putting up with a menage a trois you didn’t want and had not signed up for when you got married. I am sorry those two ganged up on you. Glad you sound confident that things will get better and you will find real love. You are mighty.

KB22
KB22
7 years ago

BHU, you are so well rid of your cheater. What a weak, pathetic man. And the OW! OMG, what a nutcase! Picked her toenails off??! Yuck. Totally bizarre. So yes, I would imagine their “relationship” should become rather interesting, if not amusing. Your idiot ex more than likely loved the full on, crazy/obsessed attention he received from OW but that will grow very old very quick. So hope that they do last for some time and know there is only misery in that relationship. You now have the chance to move on, meet someone wonderful (if you choose) and have a great life. I know that within two years you’ll look back and breathe a sigh of relief that this marriage ended.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago

A truly ‘poly-friendly’ counsellor would KNOW something about poly-amory, including that is MUST be based on trust and mutuality. It cannot be something that a partner who wants to be monogamous accepts so as not to lose an already-lying-and-cheating partner.

Counselling a couple who BOTH want to try poly-amory is a very different kettle of fish than helping a liar abuse his partner. THAT’s the unethical part of what the counsellor did with you. And don’t forget that while some couple’s counsellors are just clueless about infidelity and betrayal, others are cheaters or cheater-apologists themselves.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago

That marriage counselor should be reported to whatever authority allows him or her to counsel anyone.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Completely agree. What the therapist did counts itself as emotional abuse.

oaktree
oaktree
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Agreed. Who can she report that to?

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

I didn’t reconcile after D-day because I felt I had put up with enough shit already to last 3 lifetimes. Looking back with the clarity of hindsight, though, I think I needed my children’s approval to file, given how much divorce was going to disrupt their lives. One daughter came around as soon as she found out that Hannibal had screwed a student decades younger than himself & cut off all contact with him. Oldest daughter watched from afar as things played out, and fielded some teary phone calls from me, before saying, “Mom, he lied to you for 8 years,” and then “Just file already, Mom.”

However, I did stay after several episodes of key emotional abuse. The worst episode (which also counts as physical abuse) was the day after daughter #2 was born. He convinced me to come home from the hospital a day early because he was sick of watching daughter #1 by himself. He then harangued me to the point of hysteria that I needed to go into the icy cold basement (middle of a snowstorm) to clean up toys from daughter #1 from before I went into labor. The twist was that I had had an episiotomy, was not supposed to use stairs for 2 weeks, and no one was going to be in that cold basement anyway. That was my turning point–I hated him at that moment and never recovered my love for him in the same way, nor did I ever feel emotionally safe with him again.

In hindsight, I realize he knew with a second child, Hannibal was about to lose more narc supply and thus ramped up his power play to compensate.

Staying those extra years gave me more financial security when I finally did divorce him, but cost me a good deal of mental health from the extra emotional abuse.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Hannibal is a fucking monster! Did you ever tell anyone this before DDay? Like your mother or his mother?

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

No, I told that story for the first time on CL (in the forums) about a year ago. It was my secret for 14 years.

Like the vast majority of us here, I hid the abuse to keep the marriage together, ‘for the children.’ I’ve come to hate that phrase, and am now adamantly opposed to people thinking it is beneficial to children to stay together when one partner is emotionally abusive. It didn’t help me & my siblings that my mother stayed with my narc father, and it wasn’t beneficial to my children to see how he treated people.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Oh, Tempest, it’s taken me a long time to understand what emotional abuse is and that victims hide it to protect the family, and the abuser. They are also embarrassed it is happening to them. I am so sorry. When we start talking to other people we get feedback on what is acceptable or totally beyond the pale. Guess you learned from your mother to tolerate high levels of emotional abuse when you were a kid.
Thank Goodness Tracy started this blog. Having so much open and mature discussions with other chumps really fast tracked understanding for me.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago

The first thing that came to my mind as I read this wasn’t what I lost – but what my stepson lost because I stayed.

He was 12 when he came to live with us. He wanted to be with his Dad (and his Mom definitely had some mental health issues). And, instead of finding a loving and supporting person, he got to witness first-hand his father’s duplicity. His mother told him about me… “you don’t need to listen to her -she isn’t your MOM”… while I was the daily caregiver – laundry doer, sports mom, grocery shopper, pick out his senior ring and portraits, clothes buyer… while she paid ZERO in child support for him and couldn’t even send him a card on his birthday. But, he was taught to disregard me by her and eventually by Mr. Sparkles. I can only imagine what conflict that created in him and how it made it WANT for his Dad even more. (You could argue that even back then, I was the only sane “parent”.)

Compound that with his Dad… ah, Mr. Sparkles… the guy who divorced his Mom, but was going to visit them in another state every month – didn’t last. The guy who was going build a car with his son when he reached 16… didn’t happen (I had to sign him up for driving lessons!)… the guy who was going to take him camping and to paintball battles and hiking, and only went to paintball once… the guy who didn’t teach his son about applying yourself to your studies and working to learn how to manage money (and suggested to him that I had no opinion to offer even though I was the only one who had gone to a four year college and owned their own home!)… the guy who laid down no rules about underage drinking (while I had to take off work to go to court with my stepson). The guy… who made his son complicit in his cheating.

You see, I travel a fair amount for work. My first d-day was in 2008. My stepson came to live with us shortly thereafter and became the excuse for why Mr. Sparkles couldn’t take weekends away with me… why we couldn’t take family vacations (because my stepson was conflicted)… and when I was on business trips… he would leave our young son in the care of my stepson so he could go out on dates and to bars and wherever (I would later learn).

To quote my stepson as they were moving out in 2014 (a day to which the kids were given 3 days notice by Mr. Sparkles)… “I knew he was doing something wrong when he didn’t come home until 2 or 3 in the morning, ICSTMC, I just didn’t know how to tell you.” My heart broke for losing my marriage and family, no doubt… but my heart broke even more in that moment for this poor lost boy.

Now, my stepson (21), is a casualty of this disordered fuckwit. He moved back home with his Mom because Dad basically abandoned to chase after the OW full-time. And, now he’s struggling at community college (when he should’ve been at a 4-year on a scholarship)… he’s using drugs and hanging with kids who own guns… and he’s lost. He’s lost and Mr. Sparkles is still on the hunt for the next victim and doesn’t give a shit “He’s an adult now. He can make his own choices.”

I know I’ll be ok. I know I’m the sane parent to my son. But the damage wrought on my stepchildren – especially my stepson, I don’t know if it would have been better or worse for him if I had left after the first D-day… but I do know it is hard to watch someone you love be in pain because of selfish, fucked up parents.

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
7 years ago

I wonder how my former stepson is doing. My ex announced that she was leaving me and then got up early the next day and took her 15 year-old son out of state to see his dad. She was completely moved out by the time he came back and I haven’t seen or heard from him since.

He’d already had a stepdad before me. I loved being a mentor to him and wonder if I mattered to him and if I had any effect on his life. I wonder if my ex even took him into account when deciding to destroy our family. When she and I would argue, he’d encourage her to settle down because he didn’t want to move again.

Losing step children isn’t a added level of suck in this whole ordeal.

Stephanie
Stephanie
7 years ago

Of COURSE you will be fondly remembered by that kid, as the sane parent. He’ll find you to let you know one day, too.
And you know you were a good dad. That is gold.

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
7 years ago

Adds another level! I’m not sure how I managed to type what I did. Apologies.

LostAbroad
LostAbroad
7 years ago

Too much.

I was strong, booted him out the very day of D Day (lucky we were still a couple months from the wedding, no kids). Then my life took a bad turn six months later and of course he was there, all sparkle and charm, to pick me back up and hand me the hopium pipe.

Cue one week later, I bring up the affair and we find ourselves standing in a street where he’s screaming that I’m a slut that isn’t worth love. He never loved me and nobody else will bother to either. Why should they, I’m only good to fuck and forget?

In short, I set my healing back not by six months, but probably by a lot of therapy, crying jags and I’m hoping not too many years.

Ever_the_Empath
Ever_the_Empath
7 years ago

My story matches many of those above – several years of making it work against what I’m pretty sure was “sporatic” serial cheating. Always taking him back because he was sorry and loved me, and I fell for excuses like depression and addiction issues, but after awhile, the excuses were that I “couldn’t let go of the past” and he “just wanted peace” – hard to let go of the past and be at peace, when the past keeps becoming the new present.
What did I lose? 8 years of my life. I gained a house I never would have afforded on my own but can probably now keep, and I’m hoping (still negotiating) I don’t lose much more money aside from what I spent on gas, software, GPS subscriptions and a PI, playing marriage police for the last 7 years. I did enjoy our time together and I’m missing the company as he just moved out 3 weeks ago, but the biggest loss during that 8 years was my fertility and the chance to be a mom. We tried, but I think the stress was just too much – and God’s will – He knew better than to bring a baby into that toxicity.

Magneto
Magneto
7 years ago

Wow – you seem to have a very positive outlook, especially for this early stage – but good for you!

Ever_the_Empath
Ever_the_Empath
7 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

SureChumpedaLot reminded me – I’ve lost my passion for life too, now and then…. Yes, I have a positive outlook because I’m strong and I know it, I have a sense of humour, and I’ve been here before. and because this has gotten old and I’m ready for better times ahead. But then I get depressed – in spurts – and lose my desire to do things that I used to enjoy. It comes and goes and I know from experience it will get better. but it sucks at this age going through this again/ still.

moving forward
moving forward
7 years ago

I was one of those frozen chumps at DD#1, so honestly it wasn’t really reconciliation. Although, fast forward 5 years to a couple of reconciliations prior to DD#2 – when XH said he needed space/time and moved out – yadda yadda yadda – and then came back.

What I lost in that time of inertia was the opportunity to have my own biological kids.

At DD#1, I really believed I was old, fat and unattractive and wouldn’t be able to find someone. I was in my early 30’s! By DD#2, what I lost was a lot of myself and 90% of my self esteem.

Dixie (the Demure) Chump
Dixie (the Demure) Chump
7 years ago

Time. How much time depends on how you define DDay. DDay minor #1 and #2 cost me 20 years. The real DDay major cost me 24 hours. But the result of the lies was a full 30 years of simply not knowing. One thing I did not lose was ME. Someone once tried to insult me on a different blog by called me a Shit Kicker From Virginia … ha ha … I own that name baby and proud of it.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

Can I just say that adding (The Demure) to your moniker amuses me greatly! (having seen your posts on here for months, let’s just say that the nickname from the other blog probably suits you more, and I mean that as a compliment!)

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

LOL … yeah, I don’t think I’m fooling anyone!!!

Whitney the Chumpanzee
Whitney the Chumpanzee
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Ass kicker from Virginia!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Yes! Better! We love you just the way you are. Dixie is plenty cute anyway. Rhymes with pixie and conjures up old fashioned southern charm – like Gone with the Wind. Just my opinion.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago

I truly lost me. Even though I did love my ex husband once, I can honestly say that I stayed way too long because of my children but I became a complete nonentity in my children eyes as well as the ex. Sadly I think I actually taught them to use me as a door mat because I acted like one. From a vivacious, happy go lucky and attractive young woman who once was never without a smile on her face I became a shell of that young woman. I am now me once again albeit a sadder version of my younger self.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Maree-

I empathize with “truly lost me”. I posted just below on that exact.

I wish you could see what we all see. Your words speak your beauty over and over and over.

That vivacious, happy go lucky, attractive and smiley gal is still there. It just hasn’t seen the daylight in quite some time.

Just remember that your “shell” isn’t made of titanium, it’s only made of a durable but yet extremely fragile eggshell.

Time to get cracking doll. 🙂

Maree
Maree
7 years ago

SCA, I humbly accept and appreciate your kind, kind words. This site together with every wonderful Chump here has kept me afloat when I thought I was drowning with nowhere to turn. I have read your post below and it brought tears to my eyes. I really hope you are doing well and finding the peace of mind so many of us were robbed of. ((HUGS))

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Thanks Maree, you are sweet. I can honestly tell you with every genuine cell in my body that I am doing absolutely fantastic! Thanks for asking.

My “peace of mind” allows me to share the depths of my experience to all of CN with zero triggers.

But I have to ask you….did you accidentally misspell peace/piece in “peace of mind”? If not, you are brilliant. If so, you are brilliant. I’m stealing that one from you Maree!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

Maree, well I learned something today. You taught me the correct way on how to spell “peace of mind”.

For whatever reason I always thought it was spelled “piece of mind”. Damn Chicago Public Schools!

Well anyways, I still think you are brilliant!