What Dreams Did You Crush?

frustrateApparently, many of us stood in the way of cheater greatness. One thing I noticed, reading all the stories here, is how so many chumps just crush dreams and place unreasonable burdens of responsibility on cheaters. If it weren’t for you, he’d be a rock ‘n roll star! She’d collect ALL the beanie babies! He would’ve known what it is to truly LOVE!

The affair partner is just a lifeline out of the stultifying existence you created. Once released from your toxic grip, I’m sure they’ll move on to Greater Things. It’s their destiny after all.

So,  you meddlesome kids, tell me what you did to thwart their ambitions? And how’s that better life working out for them now?

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HM
HM
8 years ago

“how’s that better life working out for them now?” – don’t know and don’t care buy it can’t be all peaches and cream otherwise he wouldn’t have spent the last year and change contacting me.

AW
AW
8 years ago
Reply to  HM

Well I hope you do not go back to him.

If your SO was exhibiting these traits of projection, blaming you for the affair or all the problems in their lives, then you are likely dealing with someone who has a personality disorder.

My wife left, we are still in contact and friendly. We are able to remain friends because she did not blame me for her cheating. She admitted she was unhappy and explained why. Quite frankly I was not the greatest husband. I now treat my second wife far better. I realize that had I treated my first wife the way I treat my second she likely would not have fell in love with someone else. She was wrong to cheat, but I made her feel worthless in so many ways. My counselor has helped me to see that.

HM
HM
8 years ago
Reply to  AW

I won’t go back. I never answered any of his attempts at contact over the year and a quarter… except for his last one and that was to tell him that if he didn’t stop contacting me, I’d go to the police. That was about 5 months ago and it seems to have worked. You are absolutely right about character disordered people being unable to own their shit.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  AW

So what exactly is a conversation like when one decides to maintain a friendship with a cheater you divorced AW? Do you say, “Hi, are you still with the skanky country bar whore you picked up at a casino and got drunk with and got a hotel”. Or do you let them know about the STD and remind them to get retested at two three month intervals. Friends? This will never happen. Surviving is moving on and knowing you will never be tolerant of the character disordered abuser again. We now have hope guided not by a pathological liar rather a nation of chumps. Kindness,compassion, empathy, and having the willingness to be vulnerable without having anyone purposely manipulating you are true friends. Chumps fit that bill.

ontheup
ontheup
8 years ago
Reply to  AW

Aw

That is absolute bull sh1t! I’m sure we could all have been better at our marriages in hindsight…is that an excuse to go off and fuck someone else and lie and cheat to everyone….no way! It’s just standard affair bullshit talk to pass the blame onto you and absolve themselves of guilt. I would smack my councillor in the mouth if she said that shit to me.

Nat1
Nat1
8 years ago
Reply to  ontheup

I agree that it’s bullshit. It all depends what you have to work with. It’s pretty hard to be the perfect wide when you’re always pushing shit up hill and not even knowing or realising tat it’s just a giant shit sandwich.

Don
Don
8 years ago
Reply to  AW

A.W.; Why are you so anxious to wear the chains of your ex wife’s shame?
I spent months trying to justify to my awesome counsellor why I was responsible for my wife’s cheating and delving into all the ways that I failed her. My forthright counsellor encouraged me to look at my shortcomings in the marriage without using them to absolve my cheating ex of her actions. His point: “people with character, who feel they are in a non-reciprocal relationship WALK AWAY maturely and independantly. Character Disordered people start affairs and then try to blameshift by saying how unhappy they were or worthless they felt…as though this somehow justifies the behaviour”.
I can accept my imperfections and shortcomings, and practice continuous self-improvement, and know that I never failed my wife in any way nearly as devastating, humiliating and confidence – crushing as her actions were to me.
You fail to convince me that your wife’s cheating has somehow made you a better second husband….rather, you are just better off now that she is your EX wife.

uniballer1965
uniballer1965
8 years ago
Reply to  Don

I’d like to think people with character speak up for what they want first. After all, they made a vow, a promise. Your spouse isn’t like a used car and if you don’t like her, you trade her in, or abandon her on the side of the road. No, you ask for what you want. AAAANNNNDDDD, you ask her what she wants.

You are both adults in a consensual relationship. If you just leave when you are not getting what you want before having an adult conversation about what each of you want from the relationship, then walking away without saying anything is just as bad as having an affair.

This is especially true if you have children with that person.

If you haven’t said, “I’m not happy and this is what happy looks like to me, how about you?” then how do you know if your spouse can or can’t give you what you want?

If you hint or hope, or cling to some idea that if he/she loved me, they would just know what to do….

Just saying, the problem may not be with your spouse. You and your piss poor communication and relationship skills may be the issue.

If you say, I want more romance, well be specific. Romance is a pretty broad term. Is that cards, poems, interesting dates, rose petals on the bed, tickets to a Nascar event, showing up at the door in Saran Wrap.

You gotta spell it out, as romance means different things to different people. Use your words, use simile. Give examples of when your spouse got it right. After all, you married them, so they must have done something right.

But this whole, if he/she loved me, they would just know.

Really, so if I’m not getting a rare ribeye and a BJ daily, without asking, shall I conclude you don’t really love me? Because if you loved me, you would know what to do, and actually do it.

Leave should be one of the last steps. After you’ve described what it is you want in terms that unambiguous, and nothing is changing.

If you have unrealistic expectations, such as that your spouse is a Billionaire mindreader, well you just may be doing him a favor by leaving.

Just don’t take his kids when you do. Don’t screw up another generation with unrealistic expectations when it comes to intimate relationships.

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago
Reply to  uniballer1965

Uniballer, dont cha love the entitlement to the children? Love , love , love when they say’ i am not a bad parent!’
Oh I see how involving our children with your affair partner, bending their little minds to make it easier to transition to a new life. Showing them how to replace people. Teaching them how to lie, omitt and disregard peoples feelings.Emptying their college funds to wine and dine the partner while the car payment is behind and the school trip cant be paid. And they fight for 50/50 custody because there is no way they are going to,pay U. Ya you guys are the parents of the fucking year.

Sausalito
Sausalito
8 years ago
Reply to  Don

YES YES YES! “people with character, who feel they are in a non-reciprocal relationship WALK AWAY maturely and independently. Character Disordered people start affairs and then try to blameshift by saying how unhappy they were or worthless they felt…as though this somehow justifies the behaviour”.

I’m just sorry it took me so long to realize this.

echo
echo
8 years ago
Reply to  Sausalito

People with character cannot always walk away. somtimes we are isolated and have no support. Sometimes we have innocent children to care for.

unicornomore
unicornomore
8 years ago
Reply to  Sausalito

I think I lost about 3 years of my life agonizing over the fact that he considered me a horrible enough wife that he gave the the speech and declared his intent to imminently leave then he didn’t do it.

If I was horrible enough to drop the bomb on why didnt he pack his shit and leave?

If I was good enough to “stay with” for months after bomb drop then why did he feel compelled to do it in the first place?

My brain was NOT willing to admit that he was THAT disordered and selfish…that he would want to cake eat enough to do something THAT mean.

I always saw the good in him, always gave him the benefit of the doubt and Im simply NOT that mean so I couldn’t wrap my head around his capacity to do this to me.

His affairs were 10 years ago but I just learned the truth about them recently so my reactions to this are all “fresh”…in the end, I care much less about the sex, I care about the lies (even though I sort of get how a person gets to that place) but I will go to my grave never ever ever understanding how he could inflict the degree of pain he did on me in order to spare himself the discomfort and awkwardness of ending the relationship with integrity.

If I could zero in on a specific moment…it was when he said “I am divorcing you because you have been a bad wife” he could have said “I have decided that I don’t want to be in this relationship”. In the moment, either of those things would have hurt but I could have picked myself up and moved forward much quicker of he had shown a modicum of integrity.

Now when people ask me how I have done so well in the wake of his sudden death, I unashamedly tell them “I was a fabulous wife, really…I was faithful, devoted and true – I have no regrets”. I had coffee with a Priest the other day and when I said that he laughed…like he had never heard such a proclamation before. I earned the right to make that proclamation and I own that shit .

Patsy
Patsy
8 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

” I will go to my grave never ever ever understanding how he could inflict the degree of pain he did on me in order to spare himself the discomfort and awkwardness of ending the relationship with integrity.

If I could zero in on a specific moment…it was when he said “I am divorcing you because you have been a bad wife” he could have said “I have decided that I don’t want to be in this relationship”. In the moment, either of those things would have hurt but I could have picked myself up and moved forward much quicker of he had shown a modicum of integrity.” – Amen tm.

I was told ‘I don’t love you any more and never will again – you let me down as a wife’. Whilst he had a replacement preferred spouse and was f-king her in my bed.
I will never, ever, ever get this cruelty.

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

Patsy, end with integrity? Honesty? Never happen. Anything to justify in their minds they are right and just. Not part of their genetic makeup. Hurt pain and screwing us all over only thing makes them feel good. Mine is absolutely miserable in his new life says he feels every day like he’s gonna die! Good!

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicorn, the universe works in mysterious ways… Your husband sudden celestial departure is no noubt a sign from above… Or below.

tossedaway
tossedaway
8 years ago
Reply to  Sausalito

Yes, I asked STBX , why he didn’t just leave. If I was a horrible wife, who didn’t appreciate him, whom he didn’t love and hadn’t loved in a long time, why not just leave? The truth hurts but not as much as betrayal and all the lies! The truth is he liked sneaking around and lying, I think it is exciting for him. Plus, he didn’t want to leave me and be alone, so had to wait until he had my replacement.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  tossedaway

I have a vivid memory of trying to talk to Jackass about what I know now was the beginning of a narcissist discard and looking up to see him smirking at me. No doubt some of them enjoy the sneaking, duplicity and what amounts to a declaration that “you aren’t the boss of me.”

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Sausalito

Don, yes!

fischer81
fischer81
8 years ago
Reply to  Don

Perfectly said, Don!

TheMuse
TheMuse
8 years ago
Reply to  Don

wow, I’m impressed the counselor actually said this: “people with character, who feel they are in a non-reciprocal relationship WALK AWAY maturely and independantly” there is SO much more of the “own your part in it” crap out there.

GreenGirl
GreenGirl
8 years ago

Unknown to me he had a long time girlfriend when we met. She became one of the OW after we got married. She was his soul mate and I got in the way of their perfect love. Let’s consider that they had been dating for ten years before I met him during which he had several other girlfriends (one of whom he lived with for a time though that relationship was almost a year over we when met) and we got married after only about two months of serious dating (yes I’m an idiot). Yet I was the reason they were not together. They are still not together because he is dealing with the damage our (less than a year) marriage had on him and the trust/commitment issues I gave him.

Also he was “spiritual but not religious” and had so many great dreams and plans to change the world. He was going to start charities and save people from bad relationships. This was big important work so I needed to bring in the money while he outlined plans, tried to find backers for a charity helping either children or animals and wrote articles on relationships that were never ready to be sent off to a publisher or posted online. He read one out loud to me. I don’t have a copy and any attempt to recreate it would not do it justice so I’ll leave you to imagine. (You’re probably right.) Anyway I praised him and suggested some word changes, changes in sentence structure, how things could be rewritten so they would be more clear, just basic clean up. This devastated him to the point where he could no longer bare to share his writing with anyone so I’ll have to take his word for it that all those hours at the computer were spent writing articles he was unable to handle sharing with me and he was away for unpredictable hours to change his writing environment for inspiration and couldn’t answer his phone while “in the grove.”

Still no articles published to my knowledge and no charities ever formed though he might still be “helping women in bad relationships escape from their ‘abusive’ significant others.” Mind you I apparently abused him to the point where he can’t marry his soul mate so the “” around the word abusive stands.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  GreenGirl

Good lord, GreenGirl, your ex sounds much like mine. Totally disordered and delusional. Thank God we are both rid of those freaks.

Buddy
Buddy
8 years ago
Reply to  GreenGirl

My cheater (a sometimes writer) would often talk about “what really matters” referring to helping others, bringing a spiritual awareness into the lives of those who are suffering, and sharing stories of pain and personal triumph. Once I become aware of her betrayal, I could only see the hypocrisy of someone believing so hard in helping others while she destroyed the lives of those closest to her.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
8 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

Buddy, I agree with you 100%! Thats exactly what the XPOS did to me too. Preached about how he despised liars and cheaters, blah, blah, blah. But if he would have seen his reflection when he looked in the mirror, rather than a 6 foot tall Adonis (mind you he is about 5’6″ but claims 5’8″), he would have seen that he is who he despised.
I can’t forgive him or wish him well………not at this time anyway. He did more than mess with my emotional state, he also gave me a ‘gift’ I can never return.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

Buddy, my ex as well. He was actually saying stuff like God sent him here on a mission to stamp out bullying and that he was entirely devoted to helping other people. Too bad he never felt such devotion to me.

Buddy
Buddy
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

I think such behavior is one of the key reasons it was difficult for me to just get over the affair or truly consider reconciliation. My spouse could treat others with such respect and kindness, and yet couldn’t fully realize how badly she was treating me and the kids.

I just couldn’t untangle the skein of that one.

And she really had no answer for it either: cue revisionism, gas-lighting, false equivalencies, and just a tad of false remorse.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

Oh, Buddy, so many of them can project their mask in a public environment, at work. But when they come home, they can’t manage an actual relationship with a spouse or a child.

mightygirl
mightygirl
8 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

Isn’t it funny how they boast about how their coworkers admire and trust them. My wh was also concerned that he got good feedback on ebay. Boasted about his 5 stars. They care about strangers but not how they treat their loved ones. Smoke and mirrors I tell you!

kristil
kristil
8 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

I had the same problem – every person in the room was more important than me for 31 years, it’s a common factor in Narcissistic relationships. So she/he is very concerned about being seen as a great person by everyone else – even people they don’t know or don’t like ……..and they often make a show of putting others first or siding with others……..that’s generally they have tested you – they know they can ignore your needs ,,,,,,,, they have done it before and while you may have complained you have in the end let it slide- basically a strong underlying feature of the relationship is that it doesn’t concern them if you are unhappy (which is a common feature of relationships that fail).

Schmetterling
Schmetterling
8 years ago
Reply to  kristil

So reflects it for me kristil. My H-hole was seen as such a great Man. He carried himself well in the outside world. The noble, goodhearted sweet and carrying man everyone admired. He would include everyone, had a weak spot for the less fortunate but treated his own wife like crap.The majority of our family time he would demonstratively exclude me from everything, going so far that he would make the children to his partner by discussing things with them that they clearly couldn’t take responsibility for. They are children and not the other parent. Never any real eye contact, unable to have a conversation with me of any kind and often sullen, angry or given me the silent treatment. I was left out, unheard and very unsupported. Here I was, walking on eggshells, lot’s of attempts trying to be a better wife, trying just a little bit harder to meet his needs putting up a great dance for him. Little did I know that it was all part of his manipulation game to eat cake somewhere else. What a distorted person he is, still feels somewhat unreal sometimes and hard to grasp.

AW
AW
8 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

buddy, I doubt your wife set out to destroy your life. She was selfish and only thinking of herself. Some cheaters believe they will never get caught and can keep the double life. Others, truly are unhappy and feel trapped. I now know that I was not a good husband. I made my wife feel trapped and I made her feel small in so many ways. Counseling helped me to see the real me. I initially blamed my cheating wife for everything, but the counselor helped me to see that I was blameshifting, too. Both people need to take responsibility for a failed marriage contract. It takes two to tango,as the Americans like to say. It can never be all one person’s fault. They both need to accept responsibility.

Irish
Irish
8 years ago
Reply to  AW

AW, I’m so sorry your wife cheated on you, but even if you were the WORST husband in the world, she had no right to cheat. I admire that you see that you could have been a better husband, but if she was that unhappy, there’s a thing called divorce. No one, no matter how unhappy has a right to cheat on their spouse. And it’s not that they INTEND to wreck your universe. They don’t frigging care if it wrecks you. They don’t. I would venture a guess, if you looked, this was not her first rodeo. I’m not saying to look. Your divorced and it’s useless to cause more pain for yourself now. But I hate to think of Chumps blaming themselves. It’s not our fault, they chose to go outside the marriage, risking the very lives of their spouses.

But I also think that blaming the chump for their “part” in the absolute gut wrenching betrayal the cheater imposed on them is absolutely wrong. NOTHING WE DID CAUSED THE CHARACTER DEFECT IN THESE PEOPLE. Choices. They chose. We were given NO CHOICE. They were lying, deceitful, selfish, manipulating, assclowns,with no regard for the one left thinking everything is ok. That’s why we get chumped. We don’t think that way. They do.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Irish

The lies the cheaters used to justify their actions don’t fly here. The consequences for the cheaters are so harsh when chumps go no contact and leave them to their own destruction. It the weekend, they need cake. Yes, I made X look good as a family man. Trolls don’t look back. What you had is gone. Look forward to the life you chose. We are no longer willing participants. Moved on.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
8 years ago
Reply to  Irish

Irish……standing ovation!

Tessie
Tessie
8 years ago
Reply to  IHaveHate

Preach it girlfriend!

Tflan386
Tflan386
8 years ago
Reply to  AW

I think AW is a troll.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Tflan386

Yup, troll.

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Not sure about troll, but sure that AW’s wrong on this. I felt alone and was completely unhappy with my spouse for about 9 of my 17 years in a sham “marriage.” Turns out he cheated on me the ENTIRE time. Wonder why the displeasure being married to him increased for me! Geez! But however alone I felt, I NEVER cheated. Instead, I channeled that lonliness to: coaching our kids’ soccer teams, earning a professional accreditation, and a master’s degree. I made myself feel better about myself. The douchebag?? Cheat, cheat, kibbles, kibbles, cheat.

They suck and are mediocre at BEST. All of them. AW’s level of suckiness as a husband in NO WAY gives cause to cheat! Never! Really? They’re smart enough to scheme against us for months and/or years, but can’t figure out a way to LEAVE first before fucking other people?

No. They suck. End of story.

Arnold
Arnold
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Good response ,Buddy you have accurately described what ig is like being married to a Cluster B , right down to the financial abuse and abdication of parenting the kids.
i have read that studies shos that i the vast majority of cases, the cbeager was overwhelmingly responsible for the pre A issues in a marriage.
Makex perfect sense since, by definition, a cheatrr lacks integrity, empathy, communication skills, and problem solving ability.
Think a person with those attributes just might have been a less than ideal partner even before cheating?

Kiwi Anne
Kiwi Anne
8 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Buddy, your Post resonated for me in so many ways. None of us are responsible for a partner’s decision to cheat but we would all be doing ourselves an injustice if we didn’t look hard at who we had been in the relationship and do our very best to learn the things we need to learn. But for many of us, we have done exactly that and one big lesson to learn is that we do not need to take responsibility for everything. This blog reveals so many people whose instinct at first was to blame themselves and who were the first to ask for counselling and in that counselling were eager to work as hard as they could to save their marriage/ relationship.

But when you are a decent, balanced, albeit imperfect – because we all are – partner, the sad reality is that you can’t fix things on your own or engage in healthy counselling that does not in itself lead to further hurt and abuse if you have a damaged partner who is being driven by things quite unrelated to the marriage and who does not instinctively take responsibility but instead instinctively blames.

Cognitive dissonance and narcissism and personality disorders are real yet the majority of counselling assumes that both parties are basically balanced. My husband used counselling as a vehicle to tell me everything that was wrong with me and my family at a time when I was incredibly vulnerable not revealing at any stage what were then infidelities unknown to me or the fact that all through our counselling he was building a relationship with another woman. I sensed that he was not genuinely committed to the process and now believe he did counselling just to make his decision to leave look better.

During my marriage I was all those things you describe yourself being Buddy – the great supporter essentially. But my best was still not enough from him. I no more deserved to be cheated on and left then many friends in good relationships. They just have the good fortune to have married decent and basically well-balanced people with whom doing the hard work required to sustain a long- term relationship is possible. That wasn’t possible with my ex.

MrsVain
MrsVain
8 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

very true. exhole would always start acting up when he wanted to separate. but it was always me who kicked him out. then he would go do whatever he wanted with a clear mind because “we were separated” and “you kicked me out”

he NEVER owns up to the shit he was doing BEFORE i kicked him out. it was really making me a crazy person trying to keep up and make sense of his twisted way of thinking.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

And Buddy’s response was awesome.

SDchump
SDchump
8 years ago
Reply to  LovedAJackass

If you’re gonna feed a troll, that’s the way to do it. Good going, Buddy.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Cheating is 100 percent on them. It’s a lack of character. It’s that simple.

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
8 years ago
Reply to  Tflan386

I was leaning that way after the first post above: she didn’t blame him, yet she explained why she was unhappy… which was apparently because of him. This second comment pretty much confirms it.

We all have our own shit to own, but causing someone to cheat isn’t included.

Jen
Jen
8 years ago

I have been extremely unhappy in a long term relationship before, but I did not cheat, I just left.

Chumpguy
Chumpguy
8 years ago
Reply to  Jen

Buddy,

If you’re still around, that is an awesome response. Other than the financial stuff (simply because I’m lucky enough to be basically ok in that regard, but I am taking and will take a huge hit despite her cheating), your story sounds like it could have been mine.

Like you, I have also literally spent hundreds of hours thinking this out, ruminating, figuring what I could have done differently, what I would have done if the roles were reversed, etc. Have spent many hours with a therapist who knows my wife, trying to get a handle on it all and finally realizing I was not crazy. My wife saw a counselor twice and saw my therapist once. She blew the therapist she chose off (he “wasn’t helping”, and she disagreed with him – after two sessions) and my therapist said she was in pretty much complete denial.

Bottom line, from the therapist and I: I have not done anything to bring this storm down on my family. I’ve been a good husband and dad. We had a successful life and were blessed in many ways, individually and as a family. No one is perfect but I gave the marriage absolutely everything I had. My wife has some severe, objective problems that I could not and cannot do anything about.

No one is perfect, certainly not I. But, I’m not buying in to the “takes two to tango”, “every story has two sides”, “all a matter of perspective”, “two good people grew apart”, “everyone is entitled to seek their own form of happiness”, themes that are spouted as truisms. That is not always the case, and as I learn more, I wonder how often it really is the case.

Yes if you’re unhappy – get out, get a divorce, don’t cheat. But what keeps hitting me over the head is that most of these people can never be made happy, by anyone or anything. I am way over blaming myself for her “being unhappy”.

MrsVain
MrsVain
8 years ago
Reply to  Jen

i know i wasnt a perfect wife.

ugh curse you tiny buttons

MrsVain
MrsVain
8 years ago
Reply to  Jen

i know i was a perfect wife. i know sometimes i wasnt even a good wife given some circumstances. but i was an honest, true and loyal wife. i tried hard all the time. but you cant make a marriage work when only one person is trying and the other person is hiding.

in his mind, he never cheated because he only fucked OW when we “broke up” or separated. i dont know how people say that it ok but i googled it and there are a lot of people that feel that way. it seems to be acceptable. so only i (and probably most of you) think that is wrong. he might think that way and even if it is true that he didnt fuck her until the day i kicked him out, he was still giving her attention, flirting and calling, telling her his problems instead of me and making sure to push ME to the point i kicked him out so he could fuck her AND blame me for kicking him out. so he is still wrong in what he did.

i finally found out his excuse is i “didnt treat him right” but he doesnt own what he did to me unless i have all the facts straight and tell him what he did. then i get a weak “you right” or a sarcastic “your always right”. plus it is ALWAYS MY fault he acted that way in the first place.

they are emotional leeches.

Nicole S
Nicole S
8 years ago
Reply to  Jen

Awesome UBT Buddy! I felt like I was a very, very good wife and relate to absolutely every word that you wrote. You can be the absolute best wife or husband in the world and that won’t ever be enough for these disordered people and they will still find ways to blame their crap on us. Enough is enough! I plan on living in the land of mature adults and cheaters and trolls can just live in their “it takes two to tango” delusional world.

Buddy
Buddy
8 years ago
Reply to  Jen

I realize it is easy to project one’s own failures onto others in internet forums, but your case does not apply to my story. Here is your food:

buddy, I doubt your wife set out to destroy your life.
– i agree

She was selfish and only thinking of herself. Some cheaters believe they will never get caught and can keep the double life.
– Perhaps

Others, truly are unhappy and feel trapped.
– My wife was not trapped.

I now know that I was not a good husband. I made my wife feel trapped and I made her feel small in so many ways.
– I never made my wife feel small in any way actually. I was incredibly supportive. I was a very good husband. Very good. The problem actually was that I was TOO good, and she took full advantage of that. She knew I’d always support her emotionally, physically, financially, as a lover, a companion, a listener, a holder/hugger, a father.

Counseling helped me to see the real me.
– My counselor helped me see that I was married to someone incapable or empathy or reciprocity, someone capable of neglect of those closest to her, someone why neglected her own children in favor of her own needs.

I initially blamed my cheating wife for everything, but the counselor helped me to see that I was blameshifting, too.
– I spend hundreds of hours examining my role in the marriage, our circumstances, and you know what, I firmly believe she 100% instigated the “bad” in the marriage through her selfishness and self-absorption. I 90% enabled her bad behavior, and she fought the 10% of times I stood up to her with all sorts of resentment, contempt, psychological tricks, gas-lighting, lying, withdrawal, emotional punishment, undermining, subversion, and circumvention. Full on disrespect for my values, my provisions, my role as bread winner, my role as parent.

Both people need to take responsibility for a failed marriage contract. It takes two to tango,as the Americans like to say.
– And if only one person (me) takes responsibility? and if only one person (me) is tangoing – giving energy to the marriage rather than consuming it and bringing devastation into it?
– And when one person is doing all the parenting (me) and she is neglecting the children, should I take responsibility for that failed contract?
– When one person is working, earning money, reducing expenses, trying to pay off debt (me), and the other person is spending us into bankruptcy (her), should I take responsibility for that? (well, to be honest, I have taken responsibility for that and started to repair my life financially)

It can never be all one person’s fault.
– In my case, it was easily >97.5% her fault if one were to take the time to create a spreadsheet and do a formal analysis. So yeah you are right. But I owned up to my 2.5% and so what? She still continued the affair, continued to pine for an OM, continued to fantasize about an easier life, continued to see our marriage as “too hard”, continued to see our life as too ordinary, continue to see parenting as too hard, continue to see marriage counseling as too hard.

They both need to accept responsibility.
– But cheaters verbally accept responsibility but then take no concrete action to give to the marriage, to rebuild the marriage, where the marriage is a true authentic relationship with another person, not with their ego.

Sorry for the troll snacks, but sometimes the betrayed does look in the mirror and take responsibility, and the find out that only one person is giving 110% to the marriage to the other person, and the other person is giving negative %110 person.

Sandy A.
Sandy A.
8 years ago
Reply to  GreenGirl

holy crap GreenGirl, he sounds more than disordered..he sounds fucked in the head and living a life of illusion! Whoa! Good thing you got out of that!

Mommy Chump
Mommy Chump
8 years ago

My X would have adventuresome a taken the job in Switzerland and he would be going on sebatical every three years like his job allows for the academic year. Never mind he had school age kids and a spouse with a job that wouldn’t allow that, My X was so crazy narcissisric in the last few years before Dday that he actually thought that moving to Switzerland and being forced for our daughter to be set back 2, count them 2, years academically due to her not speaking Ssiss German and not because of any learning disability (in fact she is super smart ) would be a great growth opportunity. And never mind I had no job future in Switzerland. If it was he wanted we should all be 100% supportive. That was actually the beginning of the end I think, because I put my foot down and told him NO for the first time in our marriage. He had been attempting to change jobs and move huge distances every 4 years and we had been married 20 years at that time. He had asked me to give up my jobs over and over again.

It has been 2 years since Dday and has X gone on sebatical? Of course not. And the OW has a job. He is marrying OWhore next month so maybe he will start with the needing to move again and take sebaticals and she will be stupid enough to agree which will make her completely dependent on him which is what he wants to secure his kibble supply. So glad to free of him.

lisahaight1969
lisahaight1969
8 years ago
Reply to  Mommy Chump

Mommy Chump ….we were married to the same sort of guy – unbelievable!!!

I could never set down roots ( 7 moves in 14 years ), barely got my foot in the door with a career and it would be sabatoged!

Helped him through 7 ( yes a full degree and a master’s ) of education and raised two amazing kids during this time.

He kept bringing up the fact that I put my foot down about a job he wanted to take in the Yukon. Seriously – he was already packing bags in his mind and was furious that I did not agree.

Keep in mind I live near the US where we barely get snow and our friends and family were in this part of the world!!!

But I stood in his way of greatness!!!

He ended our marriage in the city I live in now. I knew not a soul moving here – it was for his career. Imagine if I had been tossed in the great white north ?!?!

Mommy Chump
Mommy Chump
8 years ago
Reply to  lisahaight1969

That is exactly how I feel – I dodged a bullet and at least didn’t end up in Switzerland on my own with my kid and no job.

Every 4 years he had to change jobs or move. It was always something – he was in someone’s shadow and not fully appreciated, he wasn’t getting the resources necessary to do his ground breaking work (I have to be fair and admit he really is excellent in his narrow field of academia), it was too much effort to write grants to support his research and he was so fanfuckingtabulouse he should just be given money with no peer review process (something only for such lowlife people like me) or something about the the house was no longer acceptable etc. As soon as I settled into a job I liked we had to move. As soon as the house finally became a home we had to move. We should be going on sabbatical every 3 years for a year because he could – never mind we also had pets and horses. His attitude, give the dogs and cat away and sell the horses because you can always just pick up some new ones. They’re just animals afterall. No different than throwing the old coffe maker out.

Now I know that it was probably mostly if not completely driven by affaires ending. So glad to be free of his crazy.

Schmetterling
Schmetterling
8 years ago
Reply to  lisahaight1969

I can so relate to your post lisa. I live on beautiful Maui now and last time he tried to rip us out from here to find a better opportunity I put my foot down. He seriously wanted to move us to Nebraska for a much lesser paying job, Are you shitting me? I still here about it now and then LOL

Schmetterling
Schmetterling
8 years ago
Reply to  Schmetterling

*hear

Nord
Nord
8 years ago
Reply to  Mommy Chump

I did move for ex’s work to different countries, left my career behind to support his, dealt with everything, etc. Turns out I held him back. Now he hasn’t moved in years, other than within our city several times, each time further away from the kids. He’s a fairly successful guy within his field, but tends to fuck up at some point and jump to another job when things get too much (meaning he is not being hailed as the second coming).

My dreams? They never got much of a look in from him. Not important enough or equal to his needs, it would seem. I really was stupid in that marriage.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  Nord

“He’s a fairly successful guy within his field, but tends to fuck up at some point and jump to another job when things get too much (meaning he is not being hailed as the second coming).”–You could be writing about Jackass here.

ca-chump
ca-chump
8 years ago
Reply to  LovedAJackass

What’s amazing to me is that they always manage to land another good job. Like the kind of job that a mentally healthy person would hang onto as long as possible.

I kept mine form moving to Paris (for a job paying $30K), Sydney (job paying $50K) and Switzerland (no job lined up, but he has a friend there who could surely hook him up). I’m not sure how a family of four would survive on that kind of money considering I would have had to completely give up work — chances of me getting a work visa in those countries being slim to none.

Schmetterling
Schmetterling
8 years ago
Reply to  ca-chump

OH LA LA !!! The pesky moving away pattern. I had never long enough time to establish my career due to moving, But it’s my fault that I apparently don’t contribute significantly to the family income and don’t make an income, like I should. Let me make up for that to let him have his cake somewhere else. I have a degree in psychology and really would have needed to settle somewhere to built up my private practice. His moving pattern was about every two years. My “fairly successful“ guy was always chasing better opportunities, and the funny thing is he would climb one step up on the career ladder, only to climb down again and one step up and down again, never reaching the stars. Prince charming always got what he wanted and landed the jobs. He would move ahead and I would do the whole moving part while raising smaller kids and keeping full time employment. Throw a couple overseas moves in there and you get the picture.

ANC
ANC
8 years ago
Reply to  Schmetterling

This reads like my story. Way too familiar.

I think my “lack of support” ( all consuming interest and personal dedication on top of everything else he has sucked out of me) in his hobby, competitive barbershop style singing, was where I supremely failed him and where the MOW filled the void. She joined in on many competitions both regionally, nationally and internationally with him. Yea.

How weird that he forgot it was ME who located our current residential area in order for him to join the most competitive male chorus in the state. It was ME who agreed to many many nights and weeks of single parenting so he could train, find vocal coaches and compete. It was ME who put my paycheck into an account that he could draw expenses for this hobby from (and entertain MOW during competitions).

Not enough hoops can satisfy these assholes. And there was zero reprocity in his actions to support my goals, dreams and objectives. I remember VERY early on that I would have to rely on ME to reach my goals on top of supporting his. I had to take my infant son with me many times to my MBA classes. Asshole was way too important to actually follow through with helping me out most evenings. Red Flag #1,999,999,999,999……

Schmetterling
Schmetterling
8 years ago
Reply to  Schmetterling

Like to add, through all this upheaval, he sure kept one steady component „THE OTHER WOMAN“

MrsVain
MrsVain
8 years ago
Reply to  Schmetterling

this is another one i never realized. the moving pattern. exhole was always wanting to move. we bought this house 11 years ago, i cant remember how many times exhole wanted to move. just to another house somewhere in the same city. it didnt make any sense to me. this is our house. i believe children need stablity in their lives. i can count my moves in 47 years on one hand. he cant. they were always moving from one place to another, one town to anther, or just another house. it was driving him CRAZY to be in the same place for so long. literally. i never understood it.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  Schmetterling

The pattern? Never staying anywhere long enough to be found out or to have to admit that they aren’t the very best or smartest or most talented. Lived with Jackass for 8 months: 3 jobs. Word has it he changed again this spring, after spending 20 months in the last one. He’s left every relationship but one after a year or two. (Yes, now I see those red flags waving…)

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Schmetterling

Many women!

StillStunned
StillStunned
8 years ago

I’m not sure what explicit dream I crushed, but he made it very clear that “you made my life suck”. But I am quite sure that without me he never would have travelled much or done very exciting things, would never have bungee jumped in Switzerland, went skydiving in Canada, or would have went diving with sharks in the Bahamas. Never mind the two adoring kids, a wife who loved him whole-heartedly, financial security, and the respect of friends and family. Pretty sure he would have just logged some more TV time on his couch. I am 9 months out from D-day, stbx is still with his MOW (not living with her due to the kids), his OW is a serial cheater (not sure about him) so the Karma bus will show up eventually. Maybe his dream was to become a lonely old man! I’ve been trying so hard to stop untangling the skein…but I will never understand this shit – it is fucking mindboggling!!

MrsVain
MrsVain
8 years ago
Reply to  StillStunned

damn stillstunned. i want to be your wife. haha

Virgo12
Virgo12
8 years ago

The topic gave me my morning laugh! It started small – if only we didn’t have all these kids (only 2 last time I counted); if only we lived in NJ (get a job there, I’ll sell the house and we’ll join you); if only I went into a different master’s degree program (didn’t finish grad school at all); if only you let me go to law school (has criminal record in 3 states and said he would lie to Bar admissions board because record is pre-computer); if only I had good health insurance (which I paid for out-of-pocket because he couldn’t afford anything he didn’t want to pay for); if only I had credit cards (I paid off his debt when he had his own credit cards). I knew it was only a matter of time until the thinking changed into “if only I wasn’t married to you”.

He sure could have been somebody if it weren’t for me holding him down. Well, he’s free now with the skankwife who “gets” him. I just hope she keeps him!

Schmetterling
Schmetterling
8 years ago
Reply to  Virgo12

It’s a constant ride of regrets.

Supreme Chump
Supreme Chump
8 years ago

Well, my cheater didn’t say I crushed any of his dreams. I’m just too overwhelmingly horrid in every aspect of my being which is what forced him to cheat.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
8 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

Supreme Chump……your cheater is NO GOOD! I really wanted to use much more foul language, I know it’s ok here, but I can get real carried away….
Especially today for some reason! I’m feeling everyone’s pain!

LittleLady
LittleLady
8 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

🙁 He probably didn’t have dreams. His subconscious is probably hiding from how overwhelmingly horrid he is.

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
8 years ago

I’m at the opposite end… he had no dreams and no goals. That was the entire problem.

“What do you want to do? Where do you see yourself and/or us in x-many years?”

“Happy and well-off. With you.”

Gee, that’s so motivating. HOW is that going to come to be? WANTING that doesn’t make it happen. You have to actually DO something.

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
8 years ago

And in retrospect, I fixed everything that was wrong in his life, so he could have the freedom TO pursue dreams without being weighed down by things like…

No license
No vehicle
No savings
Low-paying retail jobs with shitty hours
Two baby mamas
Child support (which stopped because the mamas were uncomfortable with me being capable enough to create a loving environment in which visitation was going to happen – their SOs ended up adopting them.)
Student loans
No relationship with his family.

I got us to a place where he has a great job, we own a beautiful home in a quaint village, have three children, two late-model vehicles, and are on good terms with his family… even his mother he’d stopped talking to 20 years ago.

I guess his dream was to be respected and appreciated… even though he’d done nothing to earn or deserve either of those things. And I thanked him, profusely, all.the.time. For working (same sort of job he always had done, which I got him, for 3 times the salary.) I didn’t respect and appreciate him ENOUGH though, apparently… and the ho-workers did. ?? LOL

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
8 years ago

Thought of even more baggage:

Foreign “ex-wife” whom he hadn’t even bothered to divorce! And tens of thousands of dollars in debts. And DESTROYED credit so bad that when he applied for a simple checking account (for direct deposit) – in NY and all the bad debts were from FL FIVE years prior – he was denied.

Fixed that too. In a few months. You’re welcome, Asshole.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
8 years ago

Imagine, Insistonhonesty, if you put all of your awesomeness squarely on making your own life great. You are already well on the road–losing the deadweight will just give you more time and focus.

newchumpatl
newchumpatl
8 years ago

GEEZ!!!

Free
Free
8 years ago

Over and over again, I am astounded how cheaters all act from the same playbook. Your posts just make my realize how my situation is/was NOT unique, I should not be surprised by this anymore! My XH continuously implied that I ‘stopped’ him from engaging in his hobbies, his choir, his tennis, seeing his mates. How it was me and not the fact that we had 2 small children and that he worked an 80 hr work week but of course it was easier to blame me.

Mostly he blames me for not loving/adoring him enough to keep him straight (ie. not gay) and that my love wasn’t deep/pure/devoted enough to stop him from ‘needing’ to visit rent boys.

He would continually do what I call ‘set ups’. He would suggest something that was completely unneeded, like moving 10 miles away for the sake of it and setting up all new schools and home etc for no apparent reason. When I would disagree, he would go ballistic about how awful and controlling I am. He wanted reasons to blame me and would create them.

Now divorced for almost a year and he has taken on even more work and hardly has the time to take the kids for his court appointed time. He depends on me to cover for him while he travels for work – which he promised the court he would never do again. I am sure he will find a way to blame me for it.

nuclear tuna
nuclear tuna
8 years ago
Reply to  Free

**He wanted reasons to blame me and would create them.**
Yes! THIS! I am so sick of him trying to pick a fight over ridiculously petty bullshit. It is all I can do not to take the bait, but I finally have a plan (sort of) and the countdown to getting the fuck away from him has started. I’ve learned that the picking a fight thing is how he “negotiates”… get all big and scary and confrontational, then issue some sort of ultimatum, then come out later with the truth about what he wants and how he’ll back off the ultimatum if I’ll let him have it. Fuckhead.

Enjoy the porn-induced limp dick, Flavor o the Day. I am outta here.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  Free

My ex also blamed me for his hundreds of gay sexual encounters during our marriage, even though he started having gay sex before he ever even knew me, and continued to do it after we divorced. He said he didn’t feel enough “passion” for me, and that is why he had all that gay sex. I’m thinking it was the other way around, and the fact that he is GAY is why he didn’t feel passion for me, but he will never come out of the closet. Whatever. Total loser.

Other Kat
Other Kat
8 years ago
Reply to  Free

Free, I believe ours might be twins separated at birth. Mine too had to give up his beloved tennis because of me. Even though I never once complained about the long hours he spent playing early mornings, late afternoons, and all day on the weekends–and instead offered to take up the game to join him–he could feel my resentment, which forced him to give it up. Facebook, too, since the fact that his posts came through on my news feed and I would occasionally comment on them meant that I was stalking him and he had to shut down his account immediately. And yes, the “experimenting” with gay porn was my fault as well. I stopped having sex with him so he needed to find something more exciting than, apparently, straight porn. Meanwhile, of course, the fact is that he stopped having sex with me and I suspect, though I gave up trying to find the “smoking gun” (so to speak) for the sake of my own mental health, that the long hours spent playing tennis and the sudden need to stop were out of fear that his “same sex attraction” (he’s not gay, he just has “SSA”) and the hook ups at the club with other men on the down low were about to be exposed.

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
8 years ago
Reply to  Other Kat

“Facebook, too, since the fact that his posts came through on my news feed and I would occasionally comment on them meant that I was stalking him and he had to shut down his account immediately.”

OMG, THIS ^^^^^ YES!!!! I couldn’t “like” ANYTHING he posted…I couldn’t “tag” him in ANYTHING I posted— even about OUR daughter — or EVER question, “Why are you friends with (strippers, female friends-of-friends, female relatives of friends) ???” I was “stalking” him, but if I posted a MEME or picture or quote that he felt was a “dig” at him, oh boy would I hear about it!!!!

He “unfriended” me months ago…sometimes I see his posts, but mostly he only posts to his FB Friends…or Instagram knowing damn good and well I don’t have an Instagram account…

FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!! And he wonders why I doubt shit he says!!!!

SeeingRed
SeeingRed
8 years ago

^^^^THIS
What is their Thing with Facebook? It’s their Golden Egg of filler kibble. Mine would always unfriend me, got upset if I asked about is new “random female friends” and exes aggressively liking all his pics, and question why he would Never post or or tag pics of us.

Turns out All his random girls old and young were from plenty of fish. After initial messages there he would add them to his Facebook so he could verify they were real (not his stalker girl or any angry discarded flings). If he liked their pics there flirty messages and sexy pics would be exchanged. Then after that they got his phone number and soon a call and a meeting.

That was his playbook. How dare I want to be on his Facebook? I was too crazy to be on there and besides, he’d say that isn’t a good pic of me -I shouldn’t want it on there!! Haha the mindfuckery.

So you see, I crushed his dreams and soul because I cock blocked him from grtting Strange sex and meeting his true love!

Sausalito
Sausalito
8 years ago
Reply to  Free

YES, the set-up with an outlandish plan! Him: “Hey, let’s take the kids out of school for a year, and rent an RV, and tour the U.S.! You can home school them, and we can see the country.” Me: “What? What about our jobs? No way.” Him: “Ugh, you’re always so negative! You never want to do anything fun.”

LittleLady
LittleLady
8 years ago
Reply to  Sausalito

Wow Sausalito, you dare to put reason and logic before fun? Hard for cheaters to imagine that some people do not think reckless abandon is fun.

Sausalito
Sausalito
8 years ago
Reply to  LittleLady

Yes, it was a set-up because he knew I would say no, and then he could rag on me for not being “spontaneous and fun”. Even when we did some of the (more reasonable) stuff he came up with, I would do 95% of the prep work, pack up 3 people, and do all the work once we got to any given destination. It was when I quit doing all this that he needed to find someone “spontaneous and fun.”

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  Free

Free–Oh, good Lord. He’s gay and blames you? So on top of being a man who would use a woman to control his homosexuality, he uses you to avoid his parenting responsibilities. I’d get full custody and limited visitation. If he has weekend custody but doesn’t take it, he needs to pay more because he is not feeding the kids and providing for their needs. Many states adjust for that. Don’t enable this loser any more. And who cares if someone this abusive and selfish “blames you”? That’s a given with him. Do what is best for you and your kids.

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago
Reply to  Free

Yep same play book.

Cheater “I think we should do X”
Me ” awesome let’s look at that, how do you think we should go about it? seems a great idea?”
Cheaters “. ”
Me ” have you looked further into that idea, I have a few of my own to go with it”
Cheater “. Yeah I’ll get to it”
Some weeks later
Me ” how is that idea going?
Cheater ” I have been busy, I said I would get to it, just give me time”
Me” you have had time, will there be action any time soon”
Cheater ” your always so negative what is your problem”
Me” my problem is ..(insert every broken promise or unfulfill dream here) due to you lazy ass, it will happen when I get to it routine.

Yet I crippled his long term dream to becom a teacher that I only learnt about a year before D’Day, we had been together almost 20 yrs and had no idea this was the dream I was thwarting by being his wife, having his children, running our home to minimise any stress on him.

newchumpatl
newchumpatl
8 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Yes. the “You are so negative”… got it ALL.THE.TIME

Chumpion
Chumpion
8 years ago
Reply to  newchumpatl

“negative”: an interesting label narcissists use for people who aren’t compliant.

malbecrioja
malbecrioja
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumpion

Yes-and “negative” is the label a narcissist cheater throws out for all situations and conversations. I remember before D-day I was amused at how he would call me “negative,” constantly, for any given issue. After D-day, this continued, and I remember him telling the marriage counselor, “I would be able to work out this marriage if she wasn’t so negative, and could just get over this mistake I made.” Yes, fucker, the 2 year mistake with your married co-worker. Just a mistake. Negative, jerk.

carmella1722
carmella1722
8 years ago
Reply to  malbecrioja

Mine also threw around the negative label all the time. He used to complain that I wouldn’t confide on him (not true, he just wasn’t listening), but when I would open up about things like how I was having some social anxiety issues, he would respond that I was just too negative.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumpion

Yes everyone……..negative nell over here too! He always said I was negative and there is not another soul that I know that has ever thought I was.
The mindfuck manipulation is overwhelming to me. So hard to conceive.

Luziana
Luziana
8 years ago
Reply to  IHaveHate

I got this too. I finally asked him why everyone he is with starts out so happy and becomes ‘negative.’ I told him it’s just an effect he has on people!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  newchumpatl

OMG, yes, I heard that one all the time as well! My ex would angrily brush his hands across his legs and say he was “brushing away all my negativity.” LOL, what a freak! In the past five years without my “negativity” holding him down, he’s ended up homeless!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago

Saddam’s only dream, so far as I know, was to be able to have whatever material things he desires, stay with me and his OW, and never work again. Well, he has a girlfriend and he doesn’t work so that’s two of his “dreams”. Poor sausage hooked up with a woman who doesn’t make much money, so he’s waiting for his wealthy mother to die now so he can be truly comfy. I think his mother is going to outlive him though.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Well it’s Friday night and I just cut 1/2 acre of grass and did some yard work. Another fun weekend is planned with my friend and family. I love today’s topic because I thought I was alone in supporting a fucktards dreaded dreams. They always ended in a giant rabbit hole. After a year I am in a much better place than being a participant in mr toads wild ride to nowhere. It’s good to know despite the discard and toxic relationships we can live better. In a years time I supported two rentals,my son and granddaughter, paid off most of my credit card debt, and have saved for a down payment on a house.
As chumps we can have dreams of our own. Mine were always met with negativity. In the beginning when I accepted the blame,his negative comments made me want to prove to him wrong. Now I do it all for myself.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Datdamwuf…….’Saddam’……..hilarious!!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  IHaveHate

The PI I hired asked me what I ever saw in him when he snapped pics, his words “he looks like Saddam crawling out of his hole” Truer words were never spoken, that is what I;ve called ex ever since. heh

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Dat, that story is priceless. It was worth it just to get that name for the X.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Dat…….I think we must be sisters! I hired a PI too. That was some good money wasted! Wow! What I could have done with that $$!!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Dat–we can only hope his mother outlives him.

Portia
Portia
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Maybe we can write a sit com — the Dashed Dreams of an Everyday Narcissist. He hears of his mother’s demise, and goes to the reading of the will anticipating his impending wealth and then. . . His mother appears to tell him rumors of her death have been greatly exaggerated. He keels over with a broken heart, and OW sobs uncontrollably, knowing that her dreams have been dashed, too!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  Portia

oh yes, and the will is read in a remote location so there is no way to get the asshole to hospital so THIS time he actually dies of a heart attack. Yeah, that’s how it plays out…

sephage
sephage
8 years ago

Ohhhhh boyyyy…. here we go!

Here are some things that I was told by the STBXW after I confronted her about her cheating:

“Would we even date if we met now?” (about 5 months before, she was online wishing me happy birthday “to the love of my life”)

“I made myself small for you!” (overlooking the years I spent supporting her as she attempted to start her own business and was a SAHM to our daughter)

“You were happy, I was miserable!” (conveniently forgetting the times I took her aside and told her that I knew deep down that something was eating away at her and that it was making the marriage an unhappy place for me and for us)

“I don’t feel extraordinary” (because that’s my fault, apparently?)

As I have said many times here in the comments, I was a lousy husband for a year or two solid (carping, angry, and critical during the time I was in chronic pain due to my back), and I reacted poorly (controlling) when I uncovered the STBXW’s financial infidelities (totaling about $100K) a few years ago.

But shackling the STBXW with invisible chains so that she couldn’t pursue her dreams? Uh… sorry, but no (I am a self-made, financially independent guy – exactly NOT the person to whom you should complain that someone else or something is holding you down in life).

In the cheater’s mind, it’s fair and just – they are entitled – to take a shortcut to feeling cherished and extraordinary, without actually putting in the hard work in life, business, and finances. Of course this is the fault of the chumps, right? 😉

Does ANYONE have an example of someone who cheated, left a marriage and/or family, and actually went on to manifest the dreams that we chumps so callously denied them?

I sure cannot think of even one example of this.

sephage
sephage
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

Just wanted to thank everyone for the wonderful replies to my comment! Chump Nation has made me feel mighty! Thanks!!

newchumpatl
newchumpatl
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

“Would we even date if we met now?” (about 5 months before, she was online wishing me happy birthday “to the love of my life”)

OMG, they really all are the same. I got this one too… He also said “If we didn’t have kids, would we be together”??? And “Maybe it was a mistake to get married”? I wonder if the two kids we had 8 years apart were mistakes too? Later he told me “I am not sorry we had these kids together”.. Well golly gee.. THANKS. LOL

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
8 years ago
Reply to  newchumpatl

Cheater and I were living together and engaged months before I found out that I was pregnant with our first…

I put off the wedding until we decided to pick it back up, AFTER the birth. I never wanted him or anyone else to be able to say “I only married you/you two only got married because you were pregnant.” I saw it, also, as an opportunity to see if he’d bail/fail as a father, as he’d done twice before (but while his ex-gf and then a fuck buddy were each pregnant, long before the birth.) I wanted him to have a true chance to bail without the complication of divorce also. Simple, straight-forward family court, as opposed to supreme court AND family court, as a worst-case scenario.

Our daughter was almost 8 months old when we had our wedding, and only planned it 2 months beforehand. Engaged in Feb 2004, married Sept. 2005.

He started cheating 4 months after our wedding. It lasted three years and I didn’t know about it. Then, there was a 5-year “break” in the active cheating – we moved – and he started back up again.

Now that I think about it, he has always cheated after I become a stay-at-home again, after a period of me being really successful in something. He’d suggest I stay at home, for the kids (too much childcare $ and then to homeschool – both reasonable things we would discuss practically), and a few months later, he’d startt cheating. I don’t get why. It’s not enough that I leave something I’m good at but he wants the opportunity to rub salt in the wound? He never cheated WHILE I was working or when we were settled in a routine of me staying home… just right after I started staying home and taking care of everything again. It defies sense… he’d pour salt in my soul at the SAME time I was doing the most for him that could possibly be done. ??

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
8 years ago

Boy oh boy–that sounds a lot like he wanted total control over you. Separating you from a career you were good at, tying you at home with kids and homeschooling, making you and the kids dependent on him and perhaps in his mind “lesser” than you were. So he can then both justify an affair (all she cares about is the kids, she isn’t exciting, whatever) and hold on to that cake you provide (housekeeping, childcare, “taking care of everything.”) My guess is you were manipulated into doing things that had nothing to do with benefitting the family or the kids or you but rather provided a life situation that kept him flush with ego kibbles.

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
8 years ago
Reply to  LovedAJackass

It’s pretty much the opposite… he wasn’t controlling. I did whatever I wanted and I think he hated that. That I could work and everything was fine. Or I could stay home and everything would be fine. I always kept busy and still worked – DO work. I’ve done everything from cleaning houses, making custom vintage clothing, and accounting to graphic design and being a handy [wo]man. Yeah – I plumb shit. 😛 My dad was an oil rigger>electrician>welder>nurse. We built our family home when I was a teenager and I helped him with it, from laying the sills to wiring to laying floors to plumbing to roofing. The family habit is to do it yourself.

He’s very insecure. “Go ahead! Why are you even asking me? You’re going to do whatever you want anyway!” Uh, yeah. I was just kinda hoping to have a conversation about it with you first though, so WE can think it through. He didn’t want to really take stock of situations and figure them out… he’d pick out the most ridiculous thing and say we should do that. lol – um, that’s not going to work for x, y, and z reasons. Then, the above reply. He’s smart… he just didn’t USE his brain. He’d suggest the opposite of sense, just so I’d disagree with him and he could use it as a “She’s so controlling” story.

I don’t think I’ve ever been a SAHM and not had an income for more than a few months… sometimes I’d make more at home than he did at work. And downplay it, as usual, so none of that emasculating crap would come into play. He rarely even knew what he made, much less what I made. Checks just went in… he wanted nothing to do with checking statements or paying bills, budgeting, saving, etc., as long as he had money for suits and misc. work attire, lunch, and video games and systems.

His OWs got, at most, a random cup of coffee and a gift card to an art supply store, which I knew about. (Thank you gift to ho-worker for giving him rides while his car was in the shop. HAHA!)

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
8 years ago

So many times I read what the smart, funny, talented people here write and I think these cheaters are truly cracked in the head for not appreciating what they had. CL always says that have crappy life skills. Maybe that sums it all up.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago

This reminds me they can’t problem solve and all along they are the problem.

zyx321
zyx321
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

My ex did, at least job-wise. I am posting below. I got the better deal.

sephage
sephage
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

CL – yep. Words failed me then, and they fail me now.

The chump in me was sad to hear that, of course, and was happy to look for ways to help bring STBXW further into my life. The self-made man in me was more like “what? the. HELL?!??”

This is overlooking the fact that through my freelance career and managed to get her (and sometimes daughter as well) to California (multiple times), Santorini, and South Africa. But since those were related to press trips, they didn’t come directly from my wallet so didn’t “count.” Because me helping to pay off her secret debts and saving for daughter’s college fund aren’t more viable alternatives of where our personal income should have been going at the time.

Chump Nation, please, please, please tell me that there are honest women out there who wouldn’t be grateful for opportunities to experience those places regardless of how the journeys were funded?

Oh, and let’s add this: gaslighting was the icing on the cake. STBXW told me that she resented my success, then later denied ever having said that. Every day of limited contact helps me to see more clearly how screwed up all of the above was/is.

Nord
Nord
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

Sephage, I’m a freelancer as well and I know how hard it can be to keep that ball rolling. Forget your ex. There are plenty of nice ladies who will appreciate a man like you.

MrsVain
MrsVain
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

i think it is very very hard to find good people with morals standard and integrety. your wife sounds like a stupid selfish bitch. i am sure you can find anyone better then she was. it wouldnt surprise me if in a few years she goes running back to you when she figures out you are “a great guy”.

good luck to you.

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

My ex travelled for work for multiple weeks at a time, to interesting places around the world. A few times, I went with him, since the hotel was already paid (and his airfare), and that is a large part of travel expenses. We paid my way, but I always was so thankful to have such a financially smart way to travel! We sometimes added time at the end or whatever, which was all paid for by us, but being able to reduce our expenses and get to see interesting places around the world on his work trips was such a gift, in my opinion! sephage, as you can see for the comments, not all women share the same view as your ex!

hurt1
hurt1
8 years ago
Reply to  NorthernLight

NorthernLight, we were living the same life. Sometimes when I didn’t go with him he would come home & complain how boring the wives of fellow co-workers were. They never ventured out of the hotel without their spouse, never liked the food & were generally afraid of the natives. We never understood why they even came. I will miss that life because my financial situation will never allow travelling of any sort. He wasn’t a cheater then but now all my memories of those fantastic trips are forever tainted.

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
8 years ago
Reply to  hurt1

hurt1, yes, I have a list of places from past trips I enjoyed that I would like to reclaim someday with a future partner or perhaps a friend. These trips were before OW, but the memories of my whole relationship with him are tainted by the explosive ending…. but I won’t be able reclaim any of those places anytime soon either, due to my budget. I hope that your financial situation will improve and allow you to go back and reclaim some of your favorite places someday!

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

Sephage…..the only complaint I had when I was in beautiful South Africa, was finding an email from his stripper girlfriend. That made for a lovely rest of the trip!

Chumpy
Chumpy
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

Sephage count me in! Hell I’ll help pay for it. Too bad you aren’t given assignments in Nova Scotia, LOL

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

sephage, a former sweetie and lifelong friend was a reporter. I didn’t get to do any press trips but I met wonderful people, had a great time with him, and grew up a lot. There are plenty of women who would appreciate what you bring to the table. My work allows us to travel abroad with students for only the cost of daily expenses. I think that counts as a great opportunity, especially if it doesn’t come out of family finances. Your STBX is delusional.

Moreover, let me say that I cannot imagine blowing $100K of anyone’s money, even my own, through “financial infidelity” or any other means. (Not sure what that term means, but if she spent it on a Schmoopie, your reaction was surely justified if she remained in one piece and you weren’t arrested. That’s horrific betrayal–it takes most people years to earn that much after taxes. Please don’t blame yourself for reacting normally to her provocations. That’s a typical narcissist ploy: behave in some awful, reprehensible way to gratify self and provoke the partner and then blame the partner. Don’t fall for that!

There’s something seriously wrong with that woman. And trust me–most women are not like that at all. I would say, though, that your chances of finding a good one will probably multiply if you can recognize massive entitlement, lack of empathy, manipulation, and gaslighting when you see it. Buddy’s advice is solid–the key is to see that bad behavior for what it is and refuse to enable it. I think that as with infidelity, massive financial shenanigans should lead to either separation or serious counseling and consequences. That’s not controlling; that’s setting a healthy boundary to protect yourself and the family. That’s also a good argument for setting up bank accounts carefully, having a weekly review of expenditures and balances, and each partner having a separate account for personal expenses. Dumping it all into simple joint accounts and assuming the partner sees things as you do is a recipe for trouble.

zyx321
zyx321
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

Sephage, sign me up! Santorini/Crete and South Africa are on my list of travel places (Greenland and Iceland, too. Not just warm places). And to answer your question, the source of the money does not matter. Indeed, linking it up with work travel makes sense, as that means more personal money to spend on the trip as well as other life expenses.
Your STBXW is doing the standard cheater thing, coming up with excuses to justify her behavior.

newchumpatl
newchumpatl
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

There are ABSOLUTELY good women out there that would respect be GRATEFUL for a guy like you. Don’t lose hope.. there is a lady out there for you!

Roberta
Roberta
8 years ago
Reply to  newchumpatl

I can only hope to run into one of you chumped guys!! You all sound pretty terrific and interesting with incredible senses of humor. Your ex or STBX wives sound very spoiled and immature! I would be happy to go anywhere and I don’t care how it’s financed! And YES, there are good women out there just as I know there are good men! Keep looking. Hope I find one of you guys from CN!

Nola
Nola
8 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Well said Roberta!

Buddy
Buddy
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

sephage,

Your story rings true to me: classic revisionism, entitlement and gas-lighting.

I also enabled my cheater to spend us $100K into debt, but she didn’t do it in absolute secret – even though I won many battles (regarding money) I also lost many more and ended up losing the war. I could write many thousands of words describing a multitude of tricks and methods she used to get her way, but in the end, it was 100% my fault for tolerating, enabling.

If I were to do it over again, I would instigate a strict allowance, which probably would have instigated an affair or divorce much sooner.

Other Kat
Other Kat
8 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

Another one here who was chumped into over 100k in debt, not counting a 2nd mortgage and a loan against his whole life insurance policy, none of which I was aware even existed. Oh, and stocks sold but not reported to the IRS, discovered only during an audit a few years later. But I’m crushing his image of himself as a financial-management wizard by using the divorce process to expose his outrageously incompetent financial “management.” In classic disordered fashion, whenever I uncover a new instance of gross incompetence, his response is, “How dare you accuse me of hiding assets from my own family!” I have never once accused him of any such thing and actually don’t believe he’s smart enough to pull it off. Either way, I’ve documented enough evidence to use during negotiations.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
8 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

Buddy…….for me, if I were to do it all over again…….I wouldn’t!

KarenE
KarenE
8 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

Buddy, that’s what I now wish about my relationship with my ex. If I had set clear and strict boundaries early on, and not put up with his bullshit and manipulations, we would have ended up at affair and/or separation much much sooner. Would have been a win-win. Less bullshit, for a shorter time!

But of course, I was in love, and I have a chumpy heart, and he was gradual and pretty subtle about his manipulations, which morphed into psychological abuse. I’ve got 20-20 vision I hindsight, is all!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

sephage, you can take me on a press trip anytime and I won’t mind who paid for it :). Plenty of honest women on this blog. My ex told me he never loved me, he just wanted a safe place to live – I think it might have been one of the few times he told the truth. Oh, and in the end he told me I was controlling and had abused him for 17 years. It’s all just blame shifting and gaslighting. The further out you get the better you will be, one day you will laugh at some of the things your ex said. I know I do now.

moose
moose
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

I volunteer as tribute. 😉

Seriously, she is delusional. Rather than looking at an amazing opportunity to see these places with you, she focuses on how you got her there?! Entitled much?

You’re better off traveling alone…

Nola
Nola
8 years ago
Reply to  moose

Sephage, I would volunteer! It’s amazing how many dreams I seemed to wreck for my ex. He bought the bigger boat he wanted to buy after he left, but he has no one to go fishing with or go anywhere with. Poor thing! No real friends. I also stopped him from partying (yes at 48 he still wanted to party!) although I frequently went solo to parties that we were invited to as a couple. I also stopped him from doing anything he liked to do but couldn’t name anything much more than fishing and boating as things he liked to do. Spent all weekend in bed looking at TV and in his PJs and stupid me brought him his meals on a tray to the bed. I enabled! He only wanted to travel if it meant doing it in a boat to small Caribbean islands. And apparently it was rubbish that I wanted to go to Europe and visit museums and go to the theatre and go sight seeing. A better life must be around the corner.

FeralBlue
FeralBlue
8 years ago

I crushed his dream of being a rock star. I wanted stability and housework and kids and all of that. (i actually didn’t want kids at the time) I wanted a marriage, which doesn’t neccesarily include kids, but does include stability and housework. All 3 times he sat me down at a local diner to tell me that he just wanted one more year to pursue his rock star dream before he settled for family life…. The fact that I never asked him for ‘family life’ completely escaped him. I was fine with him being in a band and encouraged him to make his music. I did not encourage his groupie habit, but he may have been confusing that with the musical encouragement.

But OW was soo much better at encouraging his band. (blow jobs back stage before they began ‘dating’ will do that, apparently) She was a writer and was going to write press articles for them. To the artwork for the CD covers too!

How’s that working out for him?

He divorced OWife and married #3. (#2 had to get a protection order on him- dodged that mess didn’t I?) Lives 15hrs or so away from his kid with #2 and isn’t in a band at all anymore.

No I don’t stalk his Facebook, but a person still hears things in the right conversations.

Poor sausage…

nomar
nomar
8 years ago

I crushed her dream of being 25 years old forever and ever. Being cool and hip and hanging out on the bleeding edge of technology and music and design. Because other than me the fact that she was in her mid-40s with 2 kids and 2 family businesses and chronic migraines and high blood pressure and graying hair and carrying more than a few extra pounds never would’ve gotten in the way of that reasonable dream, right?

Oh, and the dream of her endless eating of cake. I killed that dream, too.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Aww, Nomar, you stole my answer!

I also evidently stole his dream of being a minimum wage dock worker at a department store his entire life because, selfish bitch that I am, I allowed him to work his way thru the cutthroat restaurant business & learn sommelier & management skills without a college degree and takin years of unpaid “employment” as a sort of journeymanship. Oh, and then, to top it all off? I bought him a third share into his very own wine bistro. Am I the devil or what? Good thing he gets a do-over from his newly purchased… umm, Exalted! position to fall right into 25yo pussy and re-become a 25yo, himself. Cue the skateboard!

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

^AND Diesel jeans…let’s not be silly and forget…

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

Yes, the Diesel jeans…and the 22-year olds, the endless supply of 22-year olds……

chumpetta
chumpetta
8 years ago

My ex massively resented me for stopping him being debt. I told him from the start unless he got a handle on his money the relationship was over. He was virtually bankrupt when we met, was barely covering his rented room. I paid off some payday loans for him that were spiralling out of control. Bought us a nice house to live in, furnished it and funded nice holidays. He liked to showboat his fabulous life to people (provided by me) But all he wanted to do was be penniless.

Caught him cheating with the secretary while I was pregnant so chucked him out. He’s now back living in a bedsit wracking up debts and filling bar and pub tills with borrowed money. Glad he finally got to peruse his dream, what a loser!

Tessie
Tessie
8 years ago

I was supposed to put him through college. Just before DD I was finishing up putting myself through nursing school, and studying for my state boards, all the while working full time nights. That was when he decided to come clean about his girlfriend. Looking back, I’m sure he wanted to sabotage me passing the exam for my license. It meant I could support my kids independently if necessary.

I paid for my entire education myself while he was collecting money from his parents, supposedly for my education. I’m pretty sure Schmoopie got that cash in some way, shape or form. Of course I had no idea he was shaking his parents down for money til later when the detective who was I was giving a statement to told me his parents were claiming that they paid for my education.

Anyway, he believed that he was owed a college education, because I had gone to school while married to him. Note, I had already put him through trade school once, but no, I had to fund his dream to be a college graduate. After all, he had allowed me to achieve my dream of being a nurse. I owed him, big time according to him, and I cheated him, because he was so supportive, don’t cha know.

As to where he wound up, well, six feet under, due to his own actions.

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
8 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Looking back, I’m sure he wanted to sabotage me passing the exam for my license. It meant I could support my kids independently if necessary.

It also meant that he would have to feel inferior to you. Cowards are like that–rather than rise to a higher level, through ambition and hard work to accomplish an honorable goal, they prefer to pull you down to their level. They hate successful people–they fear those who have integrity and strength.

Go on with your bad self, Tessie!

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

As soon as I earned my degree and was making a good salary he suddenly wanted to control my money. I was always independent and suddenly he was attached at the hip.

spiritwoman
spiritwoman
8 years ago

Well I guess I’m a little different in that the only dream I crushed of now XH is that he had always dreamed of meeting his soulmate. Yet, it took 22 yrs for him to realize that I wasn’t the one. He even acknowledged that all his other dreams had been met, at a very young age, with me as his partner and both of us working as a team to obtain.

WhatAChump2015
WhatAChump2015
8 years ago
Reply to  spiritwoman

Team? That’s what I thought when I was paying all of his bills from before US and all of the medical bills and bills in general and trips for he and his child that this was for the family unit. Silly Chump, he said that these were gifts as he “never asked for them”. WTF, Gifts? I thought being part of a unit, a team was looking out for the needs of each other and the family unit. An investment in the commitment of our life.

LittleLady
LittleLady
8 years ago
Reply to  spiritwoman

No kidding? My Dad is a chump. My Mom met her soulmate while married to my dad for 20+years. Unfortunately the soulmate lives in Israel (although she is sure that he secretly pines for her over his own wife) so my Mom gets to emotionally torture my Dad for his shortcomings… and it is pretty twisted, when my overweight, two-faced, older mother still flirts and hangs on Other men.
Please, please, please divorce someone if you simply cannot love them, the alternative is humiliating for the grown children. (dirty, sick family secret because who wants to look at their mommy as totally unrealistic?)

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  LittleLady

LittleLady, yes it was a life long embarrassment for my children growing up with a cheating father. You don’t have to tolerate this in your adult life. My adult children and I discuss setting boundaries with the disordered father and I have become the model of positive new beginnings in their life. We are surprisingly thriving without the toxic influence. Every family get together is an authentic memory without drama. They still love him because he is their father. The difference is they see him as a serial cheating character disordered parent.

KarenE
KarenE
8 years ago
Reply to  spiritwoman

You thought you were a team, spiritwoman, but you were the support staff for HIS life and dreams, his general magnificence.

This was the part that broke my heart, in the end; all the good and caring and supportive things I did, all the bending over backwards to help him be happy and realize his ambitions, I did because I thought we were a team. Turns out there was no team, no partnership, no reciprocation. There was only HIM, in his mind, and the support staff. well, they’re handy to have around, ya know.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
8 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Me, too. I was thinking earlier today how I wish I had known I was still auditioning for the role of wife all those 16 years — I wouldn’t have given him so much. I thought it was all an investment in Us, Our Future.

SayNoToSparkles
SayNoToSparkles
8 years ago

I crushed his dream of being happy. His other ex wife crushed his dream of being a professional hockey player. Sometimes it’s too late when you start seeing the red flags.

Wow33
Wow33
8 years ago

My Ex was saying that I never paid attention to him about his work, and that I would not know any of his coworkers names… He got an award for officer of the year, I bought a bottle of Champagne to celabrate!! I guess I am so boring and I am not interested…

Now his smoopie is getting divorced. I am starting to see a trend in what him and his mom are saying to my daughters!! The fraze” what ever makes you happy, life is too short is beeing thrown around a lotI in all kinds of different circumstances. They are trying to brainwash my kids so I am sure down the line ex will say to the girls: she makes me happy, you want me to be happy don’t you girls? She is part of my life now!!eat the shit sandwitch and be happy for me!!!

Sorry I just upset and mad this morning!!!

Roberta
Roberta
8 years ago
Reply to  Wow33

Wow33, OMG! I got the “she makes me happy” crap too! I told him right then that if he had to look to somebody else for his happiness then his view of life was flawed and he needed to look for happiness within himself! I told him he will probably never find the happiness he is chasing. It just shows how screwed up he is!

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
8 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Roberta, I too earnestly tried to explain something along these lines to my ex right after dday because I knew that if he continued thinking the way he was and making choices based on that, he would NEVER find what he was looking for. But it was hopeless. He was sure he was right, and, of course, I was probably the least likely person he would have listened to anyways because he probably figured anything I said, no matter how calmly I put it, was just because I was a “scorned wife.” I don’t think he listened to to anyone else who tried to question him either. Now, however, I think he might be getting what I was trying to tell him back then (based on how things are going in his life), but I doubt he even remembers me trying to explain any if it anyways. He was too much in la-la land at the time…

Polly
Polly
8 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

They are all fools, he said his 30 year younger ho worker was a joy to be with, unlike me. Poor sausage. I have two adopted kids with mental health problems. Two dead parents, two dead friends, two seriously disabled friends, made redundant and a suicidal teenager. I was also trying to overcome his lies and cheating with OW. Might have been a bit down don’t you think.
Ho worker is a Chinese national. After a visa I assume. But of course they are soul mates.
Well buddy the house is now in my name as are most of the assets so sue me in a court of law, go and see my lawyer.

unicornomore
unicornomore
8 years ago

I’m the dream crusher, it’s me.

He was in a very prestigious university when we met but when sent to anger management for raging at his family, he told everyone there that his dream was really to drive a bulldozer and I made him take a professional route in life that he didn’t want.

He had a military career that went OK, but he was not promoted to the rank that others who graduated from said prestigious school normally attain. Folks – whose fault was it that he didn’t attain rank? Oh yes it was me. This is where the “poor sausage, I cant cope with this devastation” opened the door to him getting kibbles from howorkers and the affairs started.

At about this time, I was told that it was my fault that I ruined his chance to be a professional mountain climber. I also fully failed at my role as mother because I only had 3 babies with him…he really wanted 7. I never figured out how a professional mountain climber was going to raise 7 kids, but that is just my chronically silly self.

At about this time, I also learned that I prevented him (somehow) from ever learning to play the guitar, so in a moment that was actually a swirly dip in the “pick me” dance, I bought him a guitar which he never learned to play.

He ran off to take a super cool job (which unfortunately fed into his narc delusion that he had a special God given right to ONLY ever have a really cool and fun job) he eventually returned home but the super cool job ended.

I paid the bills and attempted to engage him in budget conversations resulted i him being convinced that I was the negative force in the universe that was trying to get him to do a regular job like everyone else and he resented it deeply. He seemed convinced that if he kept looking he would get a job paying 6 figures to simultaneously sample ice cream and judge wet t-shirt contests (or the like).

In the summer before he died, he told me twice that he was going to again move away for a cool job …the first time, my heart broke all over again…in a sadness that felt like the bomb drop all over again but by the second time, I was numb to it. I desperately wished that he loved me and the kids enough to find contentment doing a normal job in our normal city.

For years I internally denied that he was a narcissist …I used buckets of spackle to cover over the proof that he lived “above” us regular people but since his death I have come to see that his chronic horrible behavior towards me, his affair(s), his blame and his rage were all classic.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

unicornomore, what a sad, sad person he was. So sorry that you suffered such heartbreak and disappointment.

zyx321
zyx321
8 years ago

Oo, ooo, ooo (raising hand wildly) Pick me! I wanna play!

During false MC, ex says he never wanted his career path (college professor) and particular discipline, he wanted to work for an NGO or some sort of place, overseas.
Apparently I axed an applied job in industry, giving a long list of cons and only a few pros. No recollection of this.
Apparently he only went his particular research track to “get closer to me and have more in common with me.” Uh, huh.
As for living overseas for a time. Again, apparently I would hymn and haw (?right phrase?) whenever he tried to bring it up, so he dropped it.

Reality: he never would have gone to graduate school without my support. He picked the discipline, not me.
As for living overseas and his changing career paths– I made that happen. He took a leave of absence from work for an agency doing overseas work (I stayed home with the kids), I did the push to apply because he was ‘unhappy at work.”
Then I arranged to be on leave from my workplace the following year so we could live overseas as a family.

So, while gone for that year, visiting home every 4-5 weeks–he started the affair with the married OW. Never got to live with the kids overseas, but the winter holiday after the divorce I took the kids to the place we are supposed to live for a two week holiday.

Immediately after the divorce was finalized, he got that dream job overseas. Moved away with OWife, had a baby. He kept that “dream job” for 8 months! Dream job, huh? Now works for the federal government overseas. So, got the overseas part.

While in the midst of it all, it was a bitter pill to swallow– I facilitated his meeting the OW, etc. As I later found out, there were others before, so there would have been someone else, just a matter of time.

And I got the better deal– kids are with me! He wants them to come Live with him and his new family for an academic year, and maybe eventually it will happen, but doubtful. From the court’s perspective, this is their home.

namedforvera
namedforvera
8 years ago

Sail-planing
sailing (see also: owning a boat)
acting
composing music
getting the band back together, man (OK, I made that one up. The band did not rise to his level of greatness)
becoming a minister
studying piano
becoming a librarian
being a photographer

note: non-lethal attempts at many of these pursuits were made.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
8 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

Namedforeva, I think I married your EX’s twin. Could they have been separated at birth?

I crushed many similar dreams (including, apparently, ones he had discarded before he even met me).

professional baseball player (never played past Little League, though I didn’t know that until years into our marriage)

country western singer/songwriter (no music lessons and only the most basic 4 chord guitar skills)

drummer in a rock band (again, with the absence of training and practice)

drummer in a Christian band (he apparently thought Christians would abstain from criticizing his lack of skills–all praise of God was good praise of God, etc. And they’d pay to praise his praise of God.)

professional angler (never saw him catch a fish of any spectacular size)

professional fishing guide (again, lack of experience in the field not with standing)

professional writer (because he deserved a national book tour without writing a book)

Inspirational writer (using his own autobiography–still unwritten– because he had a “Kundalini Awakening” that made him more in tune with universal truth than all but a few humans. Categorize this one under “you can’t make this shit up.”)

minister (non-denominational because his special insights into God and Jesus transcended all established religions)

cartoonist (no training, no unusual artistic skills)

host of radio talk show (no starting locally, no way–he expected his initial pitch to hook him national syndication)

The unifying element of all these dreams is that they required time (he’d have to quit his job, or once he had quit, he couldn’t get a new one because he was “busy” with his more important, non-earning, new “career”) and absolutely all our family resources. Selling our home and moving the family into the cheapest available housing was a completely viable strategy in his mind, and I was a horrible person to veto it. Same with his insistence on using all of our savings to fund a pre-publication book tour for a book he had not yet written. Etc. Etc. Etc. I spent years doing all the parenting and household work to give him time and space to follow his dreams, but somehow it was my “negativity” that torpedoed them. Well, occasionally, he’d blame some other hapless soul for screwing up a tour (i.e. ignoring his cold-call email proposing one) or not printing his cartoons (the first six he’d ever drawn–and they looked as unprofessional as that sounds).

Oh yes, and in all of these dreams he is the shining star, the center of attention, a figure of adoration. He never was interested in the work as much as the idea of being famous, sought-after, and lauded.

And I was an idiot not to bail much, much earlier in the game.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Eilonwy, our ex’s must be twins separated at birth or something, because your ex’s insanity and narcissistic delusions of grandeur sound just like my ex’s. I laughed at the radio talk show host, because my ex had that fantasy as well!

namedforvera
namedforvera
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

oh, Lordy… the sad thing in the case of Crapweasel is that he really is a very good musician (choral singer), plays adequate guitar, good bass, used to play oboe, could play good piano if he put his heart into it; is a decent photog, if he put his heart into it; is a VERY good actor (see: 25 years of married lies, hah!).

In other words, the basics are there. But like most Narcs, he just would rather find excuses for why he *can’t* than really knuckle down and do something…. what a maroon.

And, dearest daughter is similarly musically gifted. Guess who arranged for teachers, made sure she had good instruments, sewed costumes and shuttled to lessons? Oh, yeah that would be me, the musically illiterate chump.

But, did Dadderino ever sit down and just jam with his daughter? Maybe a total of 5 times in her life, including audition practices (for her.)

And he complained that he didn’t have a good relationship with her…gee, I wonder why? Like I said, what a maroon.

Yes, LittleLady, I had a marvelous visit with her, and she and her feller are coming to the US this summer. Wheee….!

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
8 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

Good for you! I hope your summer visit is all kinds of fun.

LittleLady
LittleLady
8 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

NamedforVera, I hope you had a good trip to visit your daughter. I can only imagine the length of the list of YOUR dreams that he squashed over all those years.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
8 years ago

I crushed his dreams over and over because I dared to utter the “R” word (reality). He’d rather live in his fantasy world than face the world as it really is.

I questioned his ability to write a sitcom about US government when he is not a US citizen and doesn’t know the workings of the government. Dream crusher.

I had the gall to suggest that him re-publishing all of Shakespeare’s works under the name “Anonymous” would not necessarily make him rich.

He often said he could start a new religion and sadly I think he was right about that. Thank goodness he never saw anything through.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

ML, I think about that Shakespeare idea all the time. It’s so F***ing nuts.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
8 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

Re-marketing Shakespeare! I love it! Did he consider laying any claims to gravity or oxygen as well!

movingliquid
movingliquid
8 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

LOL!

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago
Reply to  movingliquid

ML, he sounds freaking brilliant!

LittleLady
LittleLady
8 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

Lol. Who could make this stuff up? … The irony is better than any sitcom.

Ashley
Ashley
8 years ago

He wanted to have a glass of wine at DisneyWorld. I forgot to remind him. Apparently, his entire bucket list is screwed because of that. Smh.

Buddy
Buddy
8 years ago
Reply to  Ashley

If my spouse forgot to remind me to have a glass of wine while at DisneyWorld, I’d immediately bang Minnie Mouse. Seems fair.

DavidB
DavidB
8 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

Go for Cinderella! Last time I was there, she was HOT!!!!

Ashley
Ashley
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

Rofl!! Buddy, where were you when I needed that witty retort? That would have left him speechless! Love it
And SDChump….fucking goofy….bahahahaha

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were having some marital difficulties, so they went to see a marriage therapist. The therapist sat and listened to them both yelling, then finally said, “Stop, stop. Let me see if I have this straight — Mickey, you say you want a divorce because Minnie is crazy?”
Mickey replied, “I didn’t say she is CRAZY… I said she is fucking Goofy!”

SDchump
SDchump
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Laughing uncontrollably at my desk —>“I didn’t say she is CRAZY… I said she is fucking Goofy!”

Thanks, Glad! I now need to think of something extremely sad to counter this as I go into a business meeting in 30 minutes.

Sausalito
Sausalito
8 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

Stop, you’re making me laugh, and I want to wallow in my misery!

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
8 years ago
Reply to  Sausalito

All these posts are so hilarious….. I haven’t laughed out loud so much in a long time! Wow. They REALLY are losers, aren’t they.

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago

Because I am the negative party pooper that I am let me list the things that XH has lamented over during our time together.
– not being financially free and easy, being in a relationship puts a dent in you expenditure.
– not being able to breast feed our children ( I kid you not ) eewweew
– not being able to go skiing when the mood suited him.
– not being recognised for his brilliance as a muso.
– not being recognised for his brilliance in the work place (at any of the 20+ jobs over the past 20 years)
– not being respected as the head of the house.
– not being respected around the house as if every little thing he did was pure gold. Because he was not raised to work like a real man he was raised special. (Soft) He didn’t do sport he played piano.
– always having to ensure he was given the seat at the head of the table.
– being forced to eat onion and peas.
– not being able to buy his dream home by taking out a bridging loan because I refused to sign the papers because I did not trust he would stay in his job. (And I was correct)
– not being supported in his desire to reduce his paid income so he could return to being a student at age 41 to become a teacher, studying part time which meant he would graduate at age 50 with a massive debt (which took me by surprise as he showed no desire to teach in any capacity over the years not even our own children how to play the piano despite our daughters many requests and his ability to do so)
– and that I had independent thought, a free will, a sense of right and wrong and vagina, which is not his pref considering his choice of extra marital activity.

Yep I’m a ball busting dream crusher, I am just ask my XH.

TheMuse
TheMuse
8 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

did you just say that HE wanted to breast feed your children? weird jealousy. My H#1 was jealous of my breastfeeing our daughter and he bought a goat, that he would milk everyday. Then he would insist the goat milk was better for our baby than mine. There’s no end to their narckery.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Muse, I am laughing and crying at the same time. That goat story is shocking. And utterly bizarre. Goat Dad.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
8 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

OMGosh! TheMuse…….is this really true?!!!! Wow, Wow, Wow!!

TheMuse
TheMuse
8 years ago
Reply to  IHaveHate

It is completely and totally 100% true. I sure know how to pick em. Two in a row. 10 years with goat Dad; divorced, then two years single, then hooked up with Super Narc for another 16 year sentence. Goat dad was jealous of my motherhood. I had two natural births after a c section. Nursed all three kids. I was (and still am, though they are adults now) a super Mom.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
8 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

TheMuse…….Oh yes you are a SUPER mom!!!

LittleLady
LittleLady
8 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Do you know how many people would thank heaven for the chance to eat onions and peas? My goodness, what a dolt.

nutmegpixy
nutmegpixy
8 years ago

HAHAH Thwart my STBX’s ambition? He never had any. He just needed me to “come up” in the world. Lameazzzz! I gave him a dream I guess. He didn’t have jack when he met me! But he does love helping poor, helpless, single nymphomania women with their “problems”! He can have at it!!!!

Nain
Nain
8 years ago

I “MADE” him sell his corn planter. I’m see he’d be secretary of agriculture my now….

Chumplady
Chumplady
8 years ago
Reply to  Nain

Now that’s just cruel!

newchumpatl
newchumpatl
8 years ago

Not divorced, yet… but yes, I am the source of all my H’s grief. We got married too young, we have nothing in common, I am not exciting enough, spontaneous enough, I’m too tight with money, too emotional, too anxious, I don’t wear the right clothes, the right shoes. I worry too much about the kids, we don’t do enough “Fun” stuff… we don’t have enough sex (too busy with kids, job, life). I’m boring, I don’t appreciate him, love him enough- see, he’s a “giver” and I am a “taker”.. this is his world view. It’s all about MEEEEEEEEEE. Dios Mio!

Yes, discussing TV shows with the childless whore is a lot more FUN. She has no little people to take care of, they aren’t paying BILLS together, they can have unlimited conversations about “stupid stuff” (his words). She’s not doing his laundry, making his meals, picking up his fucking clothes off the floor, dealing with this procrastination- there are no real life problems like stomach viruses, putting a cranky toddler to bed every night.. dealing with a preteen… it’s all fun and games in Magic Pixie Dust Land!

GAG GAG GAG

Do I think this stupid whore will want him once he’s “free and clear”?? I doubt it. Not for long. I’ve lived with him, she doesn’t know him like I do. Good Luck, Sucka!

carmella1722
carmella1722
8 years ago
Reply to  newchumpatl

OMG newchumpatl, THIS!!! Exactly.

hanecita
hanecita
8 years ago

I had been married for 25 years, together for 29 when Mr. Hanecita realized that I had been killing his dreams. Although he could never express it to me directly, his soulmate schmoopie sent me an amusing letter identifying my transgression. And I quote:

“And do make sure that you destroy what remaining dreams of his he has, such as poker. I understand that you are a pro in that department, be we all have to be good at something, don’t we. ”

Despite the fact that our family had made 7 major geographic moves for his profession, (he was an architect,) his real true calling in life was…..POKER (Poke-her?) He fancied himself skilled enough to parlay up some on-line poker wins to attend a Las Vegas tournament and spend the rest of his days as a card shark. And mean old me, having already picked up and moved to accomodate his profession had not realized that his true destiny was contained in a deck of 52 playing cards in a Las Vegas casino, accompanied by his Soulmate Schmoopie who would gaze adoringly upon his countenance.

LittleLady
LittleLady
8 years ago
Reply to  hanecita

And your Ex wins the ‘least likely to succeed’ OW award.

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  hanecita

hanecita, your ex wins the prize! That’s hilarious that you crushed his dreams in poker.

Fireball
Fireball
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

YOU win the “poke-her” prize today, how could you crush his dreams like that? LOL

hanecita
hanecita
8 years ago
Reply to  Fireball

I took an online course in dream crushing…so I could be ‘good at it’.

Sausalito
Sausalito
8 years ago
Reply to  hanecita

“Poke-her” Hahahahaha!

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
8 years ago
Reply to  hanecita

Un-flipping-believable!

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
8 years ago

Crushed her SAHM dream…wait…she didn’t want to have to commit “career suicide”…but she and the fictitious kid would starve if she had a child because she thought I would let them. She could not have been more wrong about me. PTL…today I have a REAL child and am married to a faithful woman that I support quite well, thank you.

Oh, forgot the dream of reliving her dating days…she didn’t want to be “trapped” in our marriage. Well, she is no longer trapped. But last contact was confused as to why the “trap” was released….I explained the confusion is hers as I am not confused–cheating and abandoning your husband killed the “trap.” She is now free to live her “dream.”

Fiestypants
Fiestypants
8 years ago

Babe you forgot that her ambition of having her affair kept secret was completely destroyed. Your blog is ringing loud and clear and she couldn’t stop it. Edit the blog to say that she DIDN’T introduce her parents to her affair partner? Edit it to say that she didn’t have an affair? Not a chance. They didn’t know at the time he was the affair partner, but she still introduced them. And lady-Ex, you had it in writing who it was that you were sexually active with other than your husband. BUSTED. Take that ambitions!

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
8 years ago

DM…….my thoughts to your saying ‘because she thought I would let them’ starve. Just throwing bullshit your way in hopes to make you believe that she really thought this. Sure hope you didn’t!

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
8 years ago
Reply to  IHaveHate

I knew it was a lie. But it still hurt at the time. She and her family/cohorts chose to kick me while I was down. I am no longer as vulnerable as I was at that time professionally or financially. It was a time of transition for me to get launched in my career field. Lots of disappointments following seminary graduation, and they essentially pressured me to surrender my call/vocation. Glad I did not give into their pressure. Now, I am with a woman who actually supports and values me plus my call. My xW was not worthy to be my Mrs. 😉

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
8 years ago

DM……AMEN!!!

Chumpette
Chumpette
8 years ago

crushed dream?
i apparently stopped him from being a 60 year old stud (in our 22nd year of marriage)

he actually achieved all his career and financial goals with me. but that was during the deify stage (i was so wise and amazing! read “useful”). the devalue stage appears to have been gradual (and hidden) because my kibbles were being disperesed among our children, familieis, and full time job responsibilities.

what’s it like for cheater now?
the discard stage is blissful! never been happier! he wants to renegotiate the signed and decreed property settlement because he agreed to it when he was in such a bad state (read: got caught). his adulteress is almost divorced now! they “dated” respectfully for 2 years after our family was destroyed! her kids are thrilled for her (after all, it is her former therapist…). they are about to move in together! that should be fun!

what’s it like for me now?
despite my exclamation points, i am actually Meh most of the time now. thank God. and thanks CL and chump nation.

Chumpette
Chumpette
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumpette

it still baffles me that a sordid secret 4-year adulterous affair, that leveled me (for a time) and a daughter, could lead to bliss of any type. but then again, i am not a cheater…

Roxie
Roxie
8 years ago

I held my cheater back from the adventurous life of anthropology, archeology and international treasure hunting. Yep. If it weren’t for me, he would have been the next Indiana Jones.

zyx321
zyx321
8 years ago
Reply to  Roxie

Indiana Jones is a pothunter. You saved him from prison.

Jen
Jen
8 years ago
Reply to  Roxie

I reality he should be happy with you. His face could’ve melted off.