What Ridiculous Request Did Your Cheater Make After D-Day?
The Friday Challenge is ridiculous cheater requests after D-Day. The affair is discovered, but the entitlement is still strong.
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Hi Chump Lady,
Not sure if you saw this news. Belle Burden, who just wrote the memoir “Stranger” about how her husband suddenly abandoned her for a younger woman, was discussing how he still wanted Belle’s wife appliance services immediately after D-day.
“New York City heiress Belle Burden claims her cheating ex-husband had the gall to ask her to make him a sandwich — just moments after telling their kids they were getting a divorce…
(And she debated making the sandwich but then she) “went with making the sandwich and I really tried to make the best sandwich I possibly could because I thought, if I’m going to do this, I will make the best sandwich he has ever had so that he will say to himself, ‘How could I possibly leave this woman who can make these incredible sandwiches?’” she said.
Friday challenge: What ridiculous request/orders did your cheater make after D-Day or even during divorce?
And what did you do?
In my case, just after FW left me for his coworker (on D-DAY), he would come over in the morning to take son to summer camp. He wanted me to make him a smoothie while he waited. I obliged. And threw it on him. (He had to go home to Schmoopie and change before going to the office.)
Michelleshocked
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Dear Michelleshocked,
Your Friday Challenge wish is granted. I saw that bit about the sandwich and it rang so true. It underscores the point I make here a lot, which is that you’re just of use to FWs. Are you devastated by the discovery of the double life? Hey, he has a hankering for lunch meat. Get on that.
Not only is it staggeringly insensitive, it’s a power move. Remember who is King here. Serve him! I salute you for being an uppity peasant.
So, CN — any ridiculous cheater requests out there after D-Day?
TGIF!
Just a reminder to use euphemisms and abbreviations instead of F bombs. Google overlords and all. (I know it sucks.)
Small thing but made me laugh at the time – we were still in shared home and he asked me for washing instruction for the jumper that his mistress had either given him or recommended he buy, and he knew that I knew this. I said very loudly “you’re asking me for the washing instructions for a jumper your mistress gave me?”, knowing the person who did some cleaning for us was also in the house.
Oh, I would have looked at that tag and then told him the exact opposite.
Tag: hand wash cold, lay flat to dry.
Me: “Hey, babe, with a jumper like this, you should machine wash it on hot and tumble dry it for an hour on high.”
I’d tell him to boil it. Along with his head.
gave you! (not gave me)!
He was trying to head off the anger/disapproval of his coworkers, who loved me, by telling them he was “honoring a request from me“ to leave without warning after 17 years. I got wind of this and wrote them a simple, calm, factual description of what had gone down. Every word defensible in court (I’m a lawyer) because it was true. He told me he wished I hadn’t written to his coworkers, so then I wrote to his family. Don’t mess.
100% Savage.
XFW wanted to bring the AP ‘soulmate’ to stay with us at Christmas, to meet our kids, and all spend time getting to know each other, 3 months after DDay abandonment. He actually thought I would say yes – absolutely dellusional.
Stay with you!? In your home!??!?!
Yes, I know right?! He actually got angry that I said no to having AP stay.
Also, he then had a fight with AP a few days before Christmas and rang me crying that he was sorry. Then told our 3 kids he was ‘Coming home for Christmas because they were the most important things in the world to him’. (Note: he had a FIFO job and after DDay decided to live full ime with AP in another state 10hours drive away) So, we waited and he just never showed up and on Christmas Day when the kids rang to speak to him, I asked him, like ‘What happened?’ and he told me it was none of my business..! WTF?
The AP did a good pick-me dance. That’s what happened.
I went NC straight after.
It was pretty awful for kids. He did the Breakup – I’m coming back because you’re the most important to me – Not show up with no explanation, 2 more times overvthe next year or so.
If ever you needed to know that you were all only an option to him… What moron that guy is.
After D-day I told my then husband that if he wanted to stay married he needed to cut off the howorker and actually spend time with/plan the holidays with his family (me/kiddo). At Easter break, he requested that I drive him halfway to his howorker’s house – with our kid in the car – so that his howorker could pick him up halfway and they could spend a weekend together alone at her place. They also wanted me to be the one to pick him up halfway (1.5 hour ride round trip with child in the car). He thought I was overreacting when I said “hell no, and if you go do not come back” because they had “made the plans together.” This is after he’d promised he understood how bad it would look to everyone if he went and spent time alone with a woman he was having an affair with. The entitlement and delusion was totally wild.
Sounds like he wasn’t totally worth it to the OW if she would only go halfway to get him. What clowns!
My then – husband stated that if I could keep.up the pick -me- dance especially in the intimate parts of our lives …he would consider staying. Only 2 weeks of trying to hold him against the tide of multiple OW, and I was already exhausted with the competition. I. COULD NOT.
They just want to see what they can make you do, or how committed you still are to them, so they know how much leverage/power they have. It’s sick.
So far, no contact 3 years including divorce proceedings. He was ABSOLUTELY NOT going to file. He used me until I HAD TO SAY…ENOUGH.‼️ Even at that point he was being charming, took me for rides on his Spyder, wanted hugs..just to COMFORT me for the horrific damage done. If I had not gone cold turkey 🍗and cut off all contact 🫸🫷and filed⚖️, my brain would have been cooked🥣 Oatmeal and in the spin cycle forever.🎡 .There is IMO NO OTHER WAY to break free from the pick-me torture.
During Covid, my husband‘s office in my house became quite well appointed and set up for daily work.
When it became clear that he was going to have to move out of the house and I was going to keep the house, he asked his lawyers to ask for use of his office and the freedom to come and go in the backyard in order to work outside at the table when he wished.
After I stopped laughing, I said that’s a hard no.
It’s unfathomable that a serial shooter would think he was entitled to come and go as he pleases in his ex-wife’s home because moving his office felt cumbersome
After my cheater (married 28 years) told our sons he was leaving to start a new life with his 30 year old girlfriend, we had to separate our belongings. We had hundreds of books and I told him he’d need to box up and take the ones he wanted. He said “I know what you can do – type up a list of all the titles, send it to me and I’ll let you know which ones you can box up for me” – I remember surprising myself by leaning forward and saying very forcefully “I will NOT be doing that.” That was the first boundary I had with that man and it marked a complete change in me. I’m grateful for his ridiculous request.
Sounds like your local library was going to get a generous donation!
Two “requests,” and I use inverted commas because they were quite clearly demands, spring to mind, both of which occurred after the Divorce was finalised and the Decree Absolute was issued.
Firstly, having signed over the contents of the rental that the kids and I were living in to me as part of the Divorce Agreement, Ex-Mrs LFTT waited for the cheque for her share of the settlement to clear and for the transfer of a significant portion of my pension fund to complete … and then demanded to come over to the house “pick up her half of the house contents including half of the white goods, as well as anything else that she had left behind.” That got a polite “No” and “I suggest that you get your Lawyer to explain paragraph 3 of the Divorce Agreement to you.” She went ballistic, threatened to sue me and then found out from her solicitor that she didn’t have a leg to stand on. It never occurred to her that asking nicely might have got her a lot further.
Secondly, shortly after the first event, she had an operation that led to her being bed bound for a couple of weeks. She emailed me demanding to know why I hadn’t offered to help …. my response was again polite and along the lines of “Sorry, am busy with work and looking after the three kids. Also, am no longer your husband, so suggest that you ask AP.” That didn’t land well with her either. Apparently I am bitter and small minded. Who knew that just enforcing a boundary and reminding someone that actions have consequences was such a crime?
LFTT.
You were too nice. I would have responded lol lol lol to that request. Or ignored completely.
Some parents at my daughter’s elementary school had started a company selling merchandise with the slogan Do Good Be Kind.
Apparel, stickers, etc.
In support, I placed an order and got a hat and t-shirts for me and daughter.
The package arrived one evening during the week on a day in between Traitor Ex announcing he wanted to “move out and live by himself for a while” and the day I discovered the female reason why and with whom he was actually planning to live.
As I was opening the package, he asked if I had gotten him a t-shirt too.
Extra moron points for him because since he literally never expressed the slightest interest in anything I got him, I had by that time ceased all gift giving other than his birthday and Christmas.
The gall! 5 days after dday when he was about to head to his 30 day mental health ‘retreat’ (which I say in quotes because he manipulated us all by claiming false self harm so he could become the victim and everyone would feel sorry for him – DARVO) he asked me why the Amazon login changed? He wanted to order some books to take with him on this very expensive mental health facility that I researched and my insurance would pay for while I was 5 mo pregnant with twins and taking care of our other 2 kids and still working a badass corporate job as the breadwinner in the family. I had changed all the passwords on MY accounts and cancelled his debit card on my account and he did not like that. A**hat.
Aww poor baby! Mommy was so mean to him. Must now go cry in group! Sorry… I’m very cynical & done with FWs (romantic or otherwise) today! 🫠
Ugh. My ex is still taking full advantage of my people-pleasing nature. I’m working on it, I really am, and I’ve gotten a thousand times better at saying no, but I still definitely do too much for her. We’re still living together (for a few more months until the house sells) and I’m still doing her laundry.
How about the time 6 months ago when my ex called me in tears, because she and her AP had a fight and now she was stranded at a coffee shop an hour away from our house? I still don’t know if she got out of the car, or if she was kicked out of the car. Anyway, I did indeed go pick her up. In theory because I am kind. If I’m being honest though, probably because I now get to hold it over her whenever she tries to go on to me about how “amazing” the AP is. uh-huh.
My SIL took an assertive course and it helped her tremendously not be someone to walk all over. Once you start speaking up and establishing a boundary it gets easier & you get braver doing so. Also, you’re still pick me dancing if you’re trying to “show up” that you’re a better choice than the AP. You already are because you’re not a cheater. But your wife is no longer something worth winning. Don’t stand in her way of having independence: Kick her out of your services club and let her fly (or flop) on her own!
Don’t let her make you feel bad or guilt you into any of this anymore. Laundromats and ride-share services exist. She made adult decisions, she can deal with the adult consequences (and all of the adulting for that matter).
Oh, Honey. You gotta stop that. She fired you from the job of taking care of her. She is not even your friend any more. She is just a user. Change her name in your phone to “Don’t Answer.” That’s what I did, and I would only answer if the ex had the kids. Since he rarely had them I almost never answered.
Stop doing her laundry. Don’t do anything for her. It’s bad for YOUR mental health. The sooner you stop taking care of her, the sooner you will recover from this mess.
Also, why are you listening to her go on and on about how amazing her side piece is? You are allowing her to abuse you. Stop it!
Good idea, but change her name to “the user” instead.
Within MINUTES of my discovering that she had been cheating, (while I was in complete utter shock and dismay), she actually suggested that the THREE of us meet to discuss what happened. I swear I would have strangled the bastard. I think she (a covert Narcissist) wanted to bask in the warm glow of having 2 guys fight over her.
Probably & sounds like she wanted “control” over you both too.
How does one choose just one request…? I will go with asking me to clear it with him before I told anyone else that he had been cheating on me. He wanted to be with me when I told people so he could observe my pain (which he loved), enjoy the shock of other people hearing from him how he had no choice but to cheat (which he truly believed) and offer his truth (which was false.) I never did tell him whom I told but all the friends went with me so I think he figured it out.
During the limbo months, my FW convinced me to not tell my mom because he knew she would judge him for it. And I was so in a fog that this made perfect sense to me at the time. Of course she would…and she did! I felt horrible for not saying anything sooner – and for roping my dad in to not say anything – as soon as I disclosed what had happened. It was some twisted sh*t, and he knew that. If what you did wasn’t so bad, why would you conspire to have people keep it under wraps or stifle the narrative? It wasn’t too long after that when I realized the divorce needed to happen.
KK was told by the judge to leave the house after 10 months of forced cohabitation. She took an apartment 5 minutes walk away. 7 weeks after leaving (mid February), she had her car serviced by our longtime mechanic, 3 minutes walk away.
She messaged me in OFW: “Would you consider driving me to (mechanic)’s to pick up my car, so I don’t have to navigate snowbanks and traffic on a main road?” I replied simply: “No.” She came back with: “This will be remembered.”
“This will be remembered” became a common refrain, used whenever I enforced a boundary or didn’t agree to acquiesce to a request or arrangement she wanted. I think she was convinced I’d be coming to her with request after request. A single dad certainly can’t co-parent pre-teen daughters without relying heavily on their FW mother. (Sarcasm intended.)
Excellent topic. I think for me it was my husband’s attempt to start the pick me dance. It wasn’t fun enough to humiliate me behind my back, he wanted me to participate in my own humiliation. I can’t believe I did this, but I helped him to break up with schmoopie. It was traumatic.
Same, except I was completing with an unknown (there had been paid sex, and I found a likely lady for him to monkey-branch to). I’ve mentioned it here before but he asked for “one last time” and then threw the fact that legally it could be considered forgiveness, to which I replied “why would you say that?” in utter disbelief. There were a few key mask slipping moments, this was one the biggest and grossest. I stopped pick-me dancing almost as soon as I started. Nothing is going to patch that hole or fill that void.
He, a network journalist with a good salary, somehow got me, the stay-at-home mom, to pay for the mediator and the marriage therapist in the immediate period after he abandoned me and his two kids. What I didn’t grasp was that these appointments were all charades to prop up his lie that he “tried”. He took advantage of my confusion, disbelief, and desire to save my marriage to avoid paying for his “alternative facts” image control campaign. I really regret now I was conned into participating in those fruitless, painful sessions that allowed him to triumphantly claim he’d “tried” — and paying for the gaslighting by him and the therapists, to boot!
They know the social expectations and go through the motions, but in time you do see the lack of effort or conviction behind it. Ex-FW said something about counseling but then dropped it as soon as the burden of setting it up was on him. Guess it wasn’t that important.
When my ex found out all at once on the same day that I knew about his cheating and that I had already filed for divorce, the first thing out of his mouth was “please don’t go after my pension – I’ve worked my whole life for it”. We had been married for 25 years at the time.
If ever there was proof that these FW don’t know how marriage works… That should be an automatic deduction of pension funds. Dipsh*t.
Every year I labored to gather and prepare elderberries in our yard to make delicious elderberry liqueur. After I booted him out after yet another affair discovery, abuse, and a DUI (!) he asked for some bottles of my homemade stash to apparently share with whomever he was schtupping that month. I decided to give him a bottle after the addition of my “special” ingredient…Hope they enjoyed it with that extra snappy taste!
Please tell me it was a strong laxative! 😈😂
Effwit came over after I’d been to the solicitor to tell me the texts I’d found on his phone, describing his sexual congress with the rodent faced see you next Tuesday were ‘just lad’s banter, nothing happened! ‘ then asked me to bend down and untie the knot in his work boots. 😂😈😂
I abandoned an MA thesis on Tennyson when I found out he used to take young women walking around his estate on the Isle of Wight, and at some point in the walk would stop, point down at his boot, and say, “My boot lace is untied,” because he wanted the young woman to kneel at his feet. (Later I discovered the Victorians were actually quite enamored of the idea and portrayal of young women kneeling at the feet of men in supplication of mercy after their misdeeds). Instead of the thesis, I took two extra courses to get the MA.
Where to begin? He refused to leave the house after my PI caught him in the act. He wanted me to pretend like everything was normal and we were an intact family as he alleged that his therapist said it would be psychologically harmful for our child to know we were divorcing until ALL of the details about who was moving, when, etc. were sorted out. It took a year and a half just to get to trial. In that time, our child figured out for himself that klootzak is a cheater and once the child told me his father was cheating on me, I formally announced to our son in front of klootzak that I had filed for divorce.
He insisted on continuing to use my car though he owned two other cars. When I took his spare key and stopped him, he called the police to report I had “stolen” it because he was not allowed to use it. When the police shrugged and left, he removed and hid the wheels.
When the judge ordered us to sell the house and split the proceeds, I moved out inside of 5 weeks. Klootzak wanted to know the name of the painter I used who painted my new place because he wanted his new home repainted. I didn’t give it to him. He wanted me to ask friends of ours if they would still socialize with him. I told him it was up to them and he could ask them himself. (They won’t and he didn’t contact them.)
The audacity. If he burst into flames I would run for a glass of water and drink it.
Thank you for the new book recommendation! I am 19th in line for the two copies on order in my library system, and I think that speaks volumes (book pun).
SEX. FW wanted filler sex until the move in with Schmoops was a done deal. Yes, please let me be your glory hole until your side piece fully takes my place. Now that I can see the forest for the trees, I’m disgusted by the likes of him. Whereas someone sees a man, I see a lizard. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
Mine isn’t exactly a request he made of me but it was weird as hell so I’m posting it. A few days after DDay when I was in my crying at the drop of a hat phase, my sister sent me a video of her adorable baby eating solids for the first time, and I burst into tears at the end of it. I was coming to terms with the fact that divorcing at 37, I’m very unlikely to have a second child. He sat next to me for a few seconds, attempted to rub my back, gave up, and walked across the room and began calmly doing the dishes while I sobbed loudly at the kitchen island. He did not ask me what was wrong or attempt to comfort me again.
One other. He resented the fact that I wanted a separation after DDay. He tried everything to get me to let him sleep over, move back in, etc. He moved to our vacation property an hour and a half away (which we could no longer afford) and refused to sell it and get a place in town. At one point when we were at a restaurant discussing shared household labor and family tasks, he angrily told me that he wants to be just as involved as I am and believes he’s a very present father, unlike all those other garbage men who peace out and, as he put it, sit around on the couch scratching their b&lls and not contributing. I calmly asked him if he believes we are currently splitting family tasks equitably (he was a some-weekends only dad at this point due to CHOOSING to live over an hour from our son’s school). He snapped at me “well obviously NOT.” I said “okay…” and he said, “because you won’t let me live with you.” I told him that was a very weird way to characterize our separation, as if for some insane reason no one could possibly understand, I was refusing to let him live with me and be involved in family life. Not because he had pushed us to the brink of bankruptcy and then cheated on me while I cleaned it up and then refused to get a residence where family life occurred. He fell silent, excused himself for the men’s room, and did not bring it up again.
Oh God, they’re all coming back to me now. He cheated on me with a friend who is an identical twin. After DDay, he wanted to continue playing in the volleyball league with her twin. He was completely confused when I told him this was inappropriate. “But the team is counting on me.” *Facepalm*. Bro has the weirdest priorities.
Along the lines of the sandwich request…and of complying…
The morning after I told my now-ex I wanted a divorce, ten days before I was moving out, I asked him what he wanted to do about dinners for those ten days. He said he’d prefer it if I just kept up shopping and cooking dinner until I moved out, because it would be easiest for him that way. So I did.
Gosh, where to start, there are so many!
FW had his driving licence cancelled (not withdrawn) after so many DUIs and had to show up at the police station near the Swiss border. I was still taking him to work at that point because I knew otherwise he would pester the hell out of our kids (it was about a 40 km drive from home to work and across the Swiss/French border). On the day he had to go the police station he commented “oh and I’ll need you to pick me up afterwards”! I looked at him and yelled “IFFFFFF I agree to pick you up you can meet me at the park and ride at the border at 18h”. “But how am I supposed to get there?* “Oh I don’t know, take a bus, take a taxi, walk – ya know like we lesser mortals”. (My older son went and picked him up).
Thursday is market day in our little town and there are signs up everywhere on Wednesday evening warning people not to park overnight on the main square. Well Schmoopie must have forgotten and her car was towed. FW told her not to worry as I would take her to pick her car up (didn’t happen).
I was in Spain with my sister and BIL and wandering round a local market I picked up a pretty bed cover at a really decent price. When I got home he asked why I didn’t get one for his place!! Face palm. there are many more but ….!