What Ridiculous Request Did Your Cheater Make After D-Day?
The Friday Challenge is ridiculous cheater requests after D-Day. The affair is discovered, but the entitlement is still strong.
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Hi Chump Lady,
Not sure if you saw this news. Belle Burden, who just wrote the memoir “Stranger” about how her husband suddenly abandoned her for a younger woman, was discussing how he still wanted Belle’s wife appliance services immediately after D-day.
“New York City heiress Belle Burden claims her cheating ex-husband had the gall to ask her to make him a sandwich — just moments after telling their kids they were getting a divorce…
(And she debated making the sandwich but then she) “went with making the sandwich and I really tried to make the best sandwich I possibly could because I thought, if I’m going to do this, I will make the best sandwich he has ever had so that he will say to himself, ‘How could I possibly leave this woman who can make these incredible sandwiches?’” she said.
Friday challenge: What ridiculous request/orders did your cheater make after D-Day or even during divorce?
And what did you do?
In my case, just after FW left me for his coworker (on D-DAY), he would come over in the morning to take son to summer camp. He wanted me to make him a smoothie while he waited. I obliged. And threw it on him. (He had to go home to Schmoopie and change before going to the office.)
Michelleshocked
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Dear Michelleshocked,
Your Friday Challenge wish is granted. I saw that bit about the sandwich and it rang so true. It underscores the point I make here a lot, which is that you’re just of use to FWs. Are you devastated by the discovery of the double life? Hey, he has a hankering for lunch meat. Get on that.
Not only is it staggeringly insensitive, it’s a power move. Remember who is King here. Serve him! I salute you for being an uppity peasant.
So, CN — any ridiculous cheater requests out there after D-Day?
TGIF!
Just a reminder to use euphemisms and abbreviations instead of F bombs. Google overlords and all. (I know it sucks.)
I know it effing sucks, but possibly also helping with my g*dd*mn potty mouth. 😉 This is timely, as I just explained to my daughter the clever cursing-but-not-cursing of Looney Tunes’ famously trigger-happy character, Yosemite Sam. Maybe it’s an opportunity to be more creative?
Small thing but made me laugh at the time – we were still in shared home and he asked me for washing instruction for the jumper that his mistress had either given him or recommended he buy, and he knew that I knew this. I said very loudly “you’re asking me for the washing instructions for a jumper your mistress gave me?”, knowing the person who did some cleaning for us was also in the house.
Amazing how their style starts changing as soon as some strange suggests that they’d look better doing XYZ. My ex had huge sideburns that he loved – I had never seen him without them. Couple of months after D-Day, who rolls in with his sideburns shaved.
Nowadays, he’s lost a ton of weight and according to my children, his girlfriend (who is actually the original OW, they’ve been together 12 years that I know of) makes him go to bed absurdly early and live a vegetarian lifestyle.
Oh, I would have looked at that tag and then told him the exact opposite.
Tag: hand wash cold, lay flat to dry.
Me: “Hey, babe, with a jumper like this, you should machine wash it on hot and tumble dry it for an hour on high.”
I’d tell him to boil it. Along with his head.
gave you! (not gave me)!
He was trying to head off the anger/disapproval of his coworkers, who loved me, by telling them he was “honoring a request from me“ to leave without warning after 17 years. I got wind of this and wrote them a simple, calm, factual description of what had gone down. Every word defensible in court (I’m a lawyer) because it was true. He told me he wished I hadn’t written to his coworkers, so then I wrote to his family. Don’t mess.
Love this.
Mine kept harassing me despite my repeated requests to leave me alone. He acted mystified that I wouldn’t want to hear from him and insisted he was a good guy who didn’t have to apologize to me for anything because he’d never done anything wrong.
Fine. If he’d done nothing wrong, there was no harm in saying what he did, right? So I told everyone what he did without any editorializing, just the facts.
People were so outraged that he got fired from multiple jobs and is now persona non grata in our community, against his protests. He was shocked to learn most people already hated him and it didn’t take much to push everyone over the edge.
👏👏👏
My mom told me she considered sending copies of the crazy letters my dad sent her while they were getting divorced to his relatives. She didn’t; I wish she had.
Awesome.
100% Savage.
XFW wanted to bring the AP ‘soulmate’ to stay with us at Christmas, to meet our kids, and all spend time getting to know each other, 3 months after DDay abandonment. He actually thought I would say yes – absolutely dellusional.
Wow!
OMFG!!!
SAMESAMESAME. Are they all insane?
Stay with you!? In your home!??!?!
Yes, I know right?! He actually got angry that I said no to having AP stay.
Also, he then had a fight with AP a few days before Christmas and rang me crying that he was sorry. Then told our 3 kids he was ‘Coming home for Christmas because they were the most important things in the world to him’. (Note: he had a FIFO job and after DDay decided to live full ime with AP in another state 10hours drive away) So, we waited and he just never showed up and on Christmas Day when the kids rang to speak to him, I asked him, like ‘What happened?’ and he told me it was none of my business..! WTF?
The AP did a good pick-me dance. That’s what happened.
I went NC straight after.
It was pretty awful for kids. He did the Breakup – I’m coming back because you’re the most important to me – Not show up with no explanation, 2 more times overvthe next year or so.
If ever you needed to know that you were all only an option to him… What moron that guy is.
I think Moron Certification is part of the FW Starter Pack.
After D-day I told my then husband that if he wanted to stay married he needed to cut off the howorker and actually spend time with/plan the holidays with his family (me/kiddo). At Easter break, he requested that I drive him halfway to his howorker’s house – with our kid in the car – so that his howorker could pick him up halfway and they could spend a weekend together alone at her place. They also wanted me to be the one to pick him up halfway (1.5 hour ride round trip with child in the car). He thought I was overreacting when I said “hell no, and if you go do not come back” because they had “made the plans together.” This is after he’d promised he understood how bad it would look to everyone if he went and spent time alone with a woman he was having an affair with. The entitlement and delusion was totally wild.
That would be an incredible level of entitlement in anyone but a FW. For a FW, OTOH, it’s normal. They aren’t right in the head.
Sounds like he wasn’t totally worth it to the OW if she would only go halfway to get him. What clowns!
My then – husband stated that if I could keep.up the pick -me- dance especially in the intimate parts of our lives …he would consider staying. Only 2 weeks of trying to hold him against the tide of multiple OW, and I was already exhausted with the competition. I. COULD NOT.
They just want to see what they can make you do, or how committed you still are to them, so they know how much leverage/power they have. It’s sick.
Yes exactly right!
I like your nom de plume Imtired. I often think it at work and throughout the day. Just not much energy or motivation most days. X
So far, no contact 3 years including divorce proceedings. He was ABSOLUTELY NOT going to file. He used me until I HAD TO SAY…ENOUGH.‼️ Even at that point he was being charming, took me for rides on his Spyder, wanted hugs..just to COMFORT me for the horrific damage done. If I had not gone cold turkey 🍗and cut off all contact 🫸🫷and filed⚖️, my brain would have been cooked🥣 Oatmeal and in the spin cycle forever.🎡 .There is IMO NO OTHER WAY to break free from the pick-me torture.
During Covid, my husband‘s office in my house became quite well appointed and set up for daily work.
When it became clear that he was going to have to move out of the house and I was going to keep the house, he asked his lawyers to ask for use of his office and the freedom to come and go in the backyard in order to work outside at the table when he wished.
After I stopped laughing, I said that’s a hard no.
It’s unfathomable that a serial shooter would think he was entitled to come and go as he pleases in his ex-wife’s home because moving his office felt cumbersome
Cheater not shooter
Kinda works though.
After my cheater (married 28 years) told our sons he was leaving to start a new life with his 30 year old girlfriend, we had to separate our belongings. We had hundreds of books and I told him he’d need to box up and take the ones he wanted. He said “I know what you can do – type up a list of all the titles, send it to me and I’ll let you know which ones you can box up for me” – I remember surprising myself by leaning forward and saying very forcefully “I will NOT be doing that.” That was the first boundary I had with that man and it marked a complete change in me. I’m grateful for his ridiculous request.
Sounds like your local library was going to get a generous donation!
Two “requests,” and I use inverted commas because they were quite clearly demands, spring to mind, both of which occurred after the Divorce was finalised and the Decree Absolute was issued.
Firstly, having signed over the contents of the rental that the kids and I were living in to me as part of the Divorce Agreement, Ex-Mrs LFTT waited for the cheque for her share of the settlement to clear and for the transfer of a significant portion of my pension fund to complete … and then demanded to come over to the house “pick up her half of the house contents including half of the white goods, as well as anything else that she had left behind.” That got a polite “No” and “I suggest that you get your Lawyer to explain paragraph 3 of the Divorce Agreement to you.” She went ballistic, threatened to sue me and then found out from her solicitor that she didn’t have a leg to stand on. It never occurred to her that asking nicely might have got her a lot further.
Secondly, shortly after the first event, she had an operation that led to her being bed bound for a couple of weeks. She emailed me demanding to know why I hadn’t offered to help …. my response was again polite and along the lines of “Sorry, am busy with work and looking after the three kids. Also, am no longer your husband, so suggest that you ask AP.” That didn’t land well with her either. Apparently I am bitter and small minded. Who knew that just enforcing a boundary and reminding someone that actions have consequences was such a crime?
LFTT.
I had 2 similar situations.
You were too nice. I would have responded lol lol lol to that request. Or ignored completely.
Orlando,
Both occasions allowed me to articulate what the “new normal” was going to look like in explicit terms. She needed to know that I knew exactly where the “line” was and I wasn’t going to pass either opportunity up.
LFTT
Some parents at my daughter’s elementary school had started a company selling merchandise with the slogan Do Good Be Kind.
Apparel, stickers, etc.
In support, I placed an order and got a hat and t-shirts for me and daughter.
The package arrived one evening during the week on a day in between Traitor Ex announcing he wanted to “move out and live by himself for a while” and the day I discovered the female reason why and with whom he was actually planning to live.
As I was opening the package, he asked if I had gotten him a t-shirt too.
Extra moron points for him because since he literally never expressed the slightest interest in anything I got him, I had by that time ceased all gift giving other than his birthday and Christmas.
And even more moron points for not seeing the irony in the slogan of the merch he was requesting for himself. Wowee!
The gall! 5 days after dday when he was about to head to his 30 day mental health ‘retreat’ (which I say in quotes because he manipulated us all by claiming false self harm so he could become the victim and everyone would feel sorry for him – DARVO) he asked me why the Amazon login changed? He wanted to order some books to take with him on this very expensive mental health facility that I researched and my insurance would pay for while I was 5 mo pregnant with twins and taking care of our other 2 kids and still working a badass corporate job as the breadwinner in the family. I had changed all the passwords on MY accounts and cancelled his debit card on my account and he did not like that. A**hat.
Wow, this takes the cake. What a spoiled little princess!
Aww poor baby! Mommy was so mean to him. Must now go cry in group! Sorry… I’m very cynical & done with FWs (romantic or otherwise) today! 🫠
Ugh. My ex is still taking full advantage of my people-pleasing nature. I’m working on it, I really am, and I’ve gotten a thousand times better at saying no, but I still definitely do too much for her. We’re still living together (for a few more months until the house sells) and I’m still doing her laundry.
How about the time 6 months ago when my ex called me in tears, because she and her AP had a fight and now she was stranded at a coffee shop an hour away from our house? I still don’t know if she got out of the car, or if she was kicked out of the car. Anyway, I did indeed go pick her up. In theory because I am kind. If I’m being honest though, probably because I now get to hold it over her whenever she tries to go on to me about how “amazing” the AP is. uh-huh.
Ronit67 I hope you’ve seen Adelante’s post below that starts “I’ve beaten myself up a lot for that choice of mine to keep cooking joint dinners…”. That might reassure and encourage you too… if you can look at why you’re still doing some things, ie does it benefit you for some reason e.g. the sense of normalcy? As you said, you have reigned in on some things. Just keep on that track, and you will get there. You know there is a light at the end of the in-home separation mindfeck tunnel! 🚇💡
Dear fellow Chump, you are disrespecting yourself by allowing continued abuse.
Would you pick up an attacker who last week wrecked your house and stole your wallet? Or do the laundry of someone who stabbed you in the back with a knife last month?
Please stop doing anything for her- including laundry.
Kindness also extends to yourself and you are the one who needs all the kindness and care now.
Set boundaries out of love for yourself and put your foot down with her.
You will still be a good person- but now one with boundaries.
It’s good to be transparent about that stuff here, because that way you get support.
Pro-tip on setting boundaries: they key is simple repetition. For example, when she comments on your not doing her laundry (just stop doing it), say: “Yeah, I am just going to do my own laundry now that we’re separated.” She will then rage, scream, mock, ask why, accuse, cry, etc etc. The key is to ignore all that and say again: “I am just going to do my own laundry now that we’re separated.” Say it like a broken record. Don’t react, defend, explain — nothing. You can throw in an occasional: “This is what makes sense for me.”
When she starts talking about how amazing her AP is, you can just leave the room. Or you can say, “I don’t want to talk about your personal life now that we’re separated.” And then, “This is what makes sense for me.”
That’s what I did anyway — and still do, when people are crossing a line with me.
“When she starts talking about how amazing her AP is, you can just leave the room. Or you can say, “I don’t want to talk about your personal life now that we’re separated.” And then, “This is what makes sense for me.””
Or say “Run to that amazing man as fast as you can, don’t let him get away. Other women are eyeing him right this minute, don’t delay. And don’t look back. I will survive somehow without you.” That gets rid of laundry duty, pickup duty, pay her bills duty, whatever else duties.
My SIL took an assertive course and it helped her tremendously not be someone to walk all over. Once you start speaking up and establishing a boundary it gets easier & you get braver doing so. Also, you’re still pick me dancing if you’re trying to “show up” that you’re a better choice than the AP. You already are because you’re not a cheater. But your wife is no longer something worth winning. Don’t stand in her way of having independence: Kick her out of your services club and let her fly (or flop) on her own!
Don’t let her make you feel bad or guilt you into any of this anymore. Laundromats and ride-share services exist. She made adult decisions, she can deal with the adult consequences (and all of the adulting for that matter).
Oh, Honey. You gotta stop that. She fired you from the job of taking care of her. She is not even your friend any more. She is just a user. Change her name in your phone to “Don’t Answer.” That’s what I did, and I would only answer if the ex had the kids. Since he rarely had them I almost never answered.
Stop doing her laundry. Don’t do anything for her. It’s bad for YOUR mental health. The sooner you stop taking care of her, the sooner you will recover from this mess.
Also, why are you listening to her go on and on about how amazing her side piece is? You are allowing her to abuse you. Stop it!
Good idea, but change her name to “the user” instead.
Within MINUTES of my discovering that she had been cheating, (while I was in complete utter shock and dismay), she actually suggested that the THREE of us meet to discuss what happened. I swear I would have strangled the bastard. I think she (a covert Narcissist) wanted to bask in the warm glow of having 2 guys fight over her.
Probably & sounds like she wanted “control” over you both too.
How does one choose just one request…? I will go with asking me to clear it with him before I told anyone else that he had been cheating on me. He wanted to be with me when I told people so he could observe my pain (which he loved), enjoy the shock of other people hearing from him how he had no choice but to cheat (which he truly believed) and offer his truth (which was false.) I never did tell him whom I told but all the friends went with me so I think he figured it out.
My exFW also did this. He insisted that I not tell anyone what he did. I have to admit, it worked at first, but then I came to my senses and told EVERYONE. I had total trauma diarrhea of the mouth to anyone that would listen. If you’re in my radar at all, you know what he did. And I may not have done that had he not asked me to keep it to myself. Because eff that noise!
Mine had such strong coercive control over me that he didn’t even have to ASK me not to tell anyone. I knew he wouldn’t like it, so for a very long time I didn’t. Then I told one friend. And it was so scary to do so. Eventually I broke free of the coercive control and then I started telling more people, it got less scary to do so and then I too had total trauma diarrhea of the mouth. I once told my dentist!! Think about how many jokes there are about how dentists try to talk to you with your mouth full nad you can’t talk. I found a way! It’s a little embarrassing to think of how much I blabbed. But honestly? I am just so glad to be out of his control. So I am glad that version of me was telling anyone she could.
During the limbo months, my FW convinced me to not tell my mom because he knew she would judge him for it. And I was so in a fog that this made perfect sense to me at the time. Of course she would…and she did! I felt horrible for not saying anything sooner – and for roping my dad in to not say anything – as soon as I disclosed what had happened. It was some twisted sh*t, and he knew that. If what you did wasn’t so bad, why would you conspire to have people keep it under wraps or stifle the narrative? It wasn’t too long after that when I realized the divorce needed to happen.
KK was told by the judge to leave the house after 10 months of forced cohabitation. She took an apartment 5 minutes walk away. 7 weeks after leaving (mid February), she had her car serviced by our longtime mechanic, 3 minutes walk away.
She messaged me in OFW: “Would you consider driving me to (mechanic)’s to pick up my car, so I don’t have to navigate snowbanks and traffic on a main road?” I replied simply: “No.” She came back with: “This will be remembered.”
“This will be remembered” became a common refrain, used whenever I enforced a boundary or didn’t agree to acquiesce to a request or arrangement she wanted. I think she was convinced I’d be coming to her with request after request. A single dad certainly can’t co-parent pre-teen daughters without relying heavily on their FW mother. (Sarcasm intended.)
Cool- I hope she made a little book up detailing your self respect and noting all the times you refused to dance to her tune.
It will definitely help her “remember” what a bloody clown she is.
Actually, I like it! KK: “I effed another man in your bed.” UXW: “This will be remembered.”
And you can keep using it: your new partner (if any) says “I was at the store today and thought of you – bought your favorite chips and beer” You can respond “This will be remembered”
Excellent topic. I think for me it was my husband’s attempt to start the pick me dance. It wasn’t fun enough to humiliate me behind my back, he wanted me to participate in my own humiliation. I can’t believe I did this, but I helped him to break up with schmoopie. It was traumatic.
Same, except I was completing with an unknown (there had been paid sex, and I found a likely lady for him to monkey-branch to). I’ve mentioned it here before but he asked for “one last time” and then threw the fact that legally it could be considered forgiveness, to which I replied “why would you say that?” in utter disbelief. There were a few key mask slipping moments, this was one the biggest and grossest. I stopped pick-me dancing almost as soon as I started. Nothing is going to patch that hole or fill that void.
He, a network journalist with a good salary, somehow got me, the stay-at-home mom, to pay for the mediator and the marriage therapist in the immediate period after he abandoned me and his two kids. What I didn’t grasp was that these appointments were all charades to prop up his lie that he “tried”. He took advantage of my confusion, disbelief, and desire to save my marriage to avoid paying for his “alternative facts” image control campaign. I really regret now I was conned into participating in those fruitless, painful sessions that allowed him to triumphantly claim he’d “tried” — and paying for the gaslighting by him and the therapists, to boot!
They know the social expectations and go through the motions, but in time you do see the lack of effort or conviction behind it. Ex-FW said something about counseling but then dropped it as soon as the burden of setting it up was on him. Guess it wasn’t that important.
When my ex found out all at once on the same day that I knew about his cheating and that I had already filed for divorce, the first thing out of his mouth was “please don’t go after my pension – I’ve worked my whole life for it”. We had been married for 25 years at the time.
It’s so gross that the first thing he said was in regards to $$$. Money that he saw as “his” as if you weren’t married for decades! Mine makes a lot more than me and the way negotiations went, it was clear that his biggest concern was me not getting a nickel more than he absolutely had to give me. It is a primary concern to an extent that is wild when you compare our salaries and consider what he did to our family.
Actually, this is a great example. One of my kids stopped going to see him for visitation. When they were picking up some stuff they needed from his house, he saw them take a bottle of OTC meds out of their dresser. He said “leave those here, I can use them”. This bottle was purchased for the child, hence it being in their dresser. Worth noting that if the kid told me they were low, I often bought them their OTC meds and sent them there with them. Just like I did with toiletries and anything else. Chances were that I probably bought that bottle of meds to begin with, but in any case, they were definitely the kid’s. I didn’t say anything to the FW because it makes me feel as petty as he is. But I do think it is a good example of how ridiculous he is about money. And like I said, he has plenty. The guy has taken multiple gfs on tropical vacays, drives a new luxury car and is always bragging to his sister that he takes his gf out with her friendsand their spouses and then picks the tab up for everyone. And he can afford to do so, so that is his right. But god forbid the open bottle of OTC meds come to my house and “ease my financial burden” for that 2 week supply.
My ex sang a similar tune. At one point when we were married, his then-job offered very generous 401K matching. So during those early days, WE agreed that in order to be able to maximize his 401K contribution and take advantage of their matching, my income would go to bills, his would go to the 401K, then everything leftover after would go to bills, fun money, etc. (we did joint checking). Later, he got fired for forgery from that job (not before racking up a gambling debt behind my back whilst pregnant), so even after the 401k match was no longer in play, we no longer had enough money for me to contribute to my IRA separately since I was the only breadwinner for awhile. I only had about 1 year of IRA contributions when he asked for the divorce. The very next day, he said, “I want MY retirement.” Ummm… excuse me? That was a big fat, “No,” from me.
I hope you did. QDRO, you deserve it.
Funny how they don’t even consider the sacrifices in our life for them.
I spent 15 out of 20 years volunteering in the community and in politics to help him attain his success, and I did it because he asked me to; and promised me the fruits of my labor. Hope the who re enjoyed the fruits of my labor, you know until he gambled it all away.
If ever there was proof that these FW don’t know how marriage works… That should be an automatic deduction of pension funds. Dipsh*t.
Every year I labored to gather and prepare elderberries in our yard to make delicious elderberry liqueur. After I booted him out after yet another affair discovery, abuse, and a DUI (!) he asked for some bottles of my homemade stash to apparently share with whomever he was schtupping that month. I decided to give him a bottle after the addition of my “special” ingredient…Hope they enjoyed it with that extra snappy taste!
Please tell me it was a strong laxative! 😈😂
Effwit came over after I’d been to the solicitor to tell me the texts I’d found on his phone, describing his sexual congress with the rodent faced see you next Tuesday were ‘just lad’s banter, nothing happened! ‘ then asked me to bend down and untie the knot in his work boots. 😂😈😂
This should be in the top 10 for comments on this post.
Good to hear from you C6. Hope you are doing well.
Hi Susie, doing very well and I hope you are too!🌞
Oooooh nooooo…. If I were you I would be in prison right about now because…. no no no.
I just laughed and said in your dreams, wanker. 😁
I’ve thought of a better comeback than murder: “My bootlace needs untying”
“Then pretend my lawyer is standing behind you and bend over.”
I abandoned an MA thesis on Tennyson when I found out he used to take young women walking around his estate on the Isle of Wight, and at some point in the walk would stop, point down at his boot, and say, “My boot lace is untied,” because he wanted the young woman to kneel at his feet. (Later I discovered the Victorians were actually quite enamored of the idea and portrayal of young women kneeling at the feet of men in supplication of mercy after their misdeeds). Instead of the thesis, I took two extra courses to get the MA.
I would have told him “Guess you’d better tie it!”
I remember your original post on that! Immediately reminded of effwit. 😈
It was one of those moments of clarifying anger, and I’ve never forgotten it, and how outraged I was.
Where to begin? He refused to leave the house after my PI caught him in the act. He wanted me to pretend like everything was normal and we were an intact family as he alleged that his therapist said it would be psychologically harmful for our child to know we were divorcing until ALL of the details about who was moving, when, etc. were sorted out. It took a year and a half just to get to trial. In that time, our child figured out for himself that klootzak is a cheater and once the child told me his father was cheating on me, I formally announced to our son in front of klootzak that I had filed for divorce.
He insisted on continuing to use my car though he owned two other cars. When I took his spare key and stopped him, he called the police to report I had “stolen” it because he was not allowed to use it. When the police shrugged and left, he removed and hid the wheels.
When the judge ordered us to sell the house and split the proceeds, I moved out inside of 5 weeks. Klootzak wanted to know the name of the painter I used who painted my new place because he wanted his new home repainted. I didn’t give it to him. He wanted me to ask friends of ours if they would still socialize with him. I told him it was up to them and he could ask them himself. (They won’t and he didn’t contact them.)
The audacity. If he burst into flames I would run for a glass of water and drink it.
Oh I’d be there right next to you clinking glasses 🥂
Thank you for the new book recommendation! I am 19th in line for the two copies on order in my library system, and I think that speaks volumes (book pun).
I’ve asked my town library to order a copy.
SEX. FW wanted filler sex until the move in with Schmoops was a done deal. Yes, please let me be your glory hole until your side piece fully takes my place. Now that I can see the forest for the trees, I’m disgusted by the likes of him. Whereas someone sees a man, I see a lizard. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
OMG. Is there no end to their insanity and delusions? I once told my narc ex that I hope he enjoyed penetrating random holes but he’d never ever come near me again.
What is weird is once you see them for what they are, you can’t un-see. It even affected the way my traitor looked to me. What once looked like my teddy bear, turned into a rat looking character.
I didn’t see him but a handful of grand-kids events for the next 20 years, but each time he just looked like a rat, nibbling at some cheese. It is how he looks in my memory. I am so glad my son looks like me instead of his dad.
I guess f and w are banned. also weird.
Mine isn’t exactly a request he made of me but it was weird as hell so I’m posting it. A few days after DDay when I was in my crying at the drop of a hat phase, my sister sent me a video of her adorable baby eating solids for the first time, and I burst into tears at the end of it. I was coming to terms with the fact that divorcing at 37, I’m very unlikely to have a second child. He sat next to me for a few seconds, attempted to rub my back, gave up, and walked across the room and began calmly doing the dishes while I sobbed loudly at the kitchen island. He did not ask me what was wrong or attempt to comfort me again.
One other. He resented the fact that I wanted a separation after DDay. He tried everything to get me to let him sleep over, move back in, etc. He moved to our vacation property an hour and a half away (which we could no longer afford) and refused to sell it and get a place in town. At one point when we were at a restaurant discussing shared household labor and family tasks, he angrily told me that he wants to be just as involved as I am and believes he’s a very present father, unlike all those other garbage men who peace out and, as he put it, sit around on the couch scratching their b&lls and not contributing. I calmly asked him if he believes we are currently splitting family tasks equitably (he was a some-weekends only dad at this point due to CHOOSING to live over an hour from our son’s school). He snapped at me “well obviously NOT.” I said “okay…” and he said, “because you won’t let me live with you.” I told him that was a very weird way to characterize our separation, as if for some insane reason no one could possibly understand, I was refusing to let him live with me and be involved in family life. Not because he had pushed us to the brink of bankruptcy and then cheated on me while I cleaned it up and then refused to get a residence where family life occurred. He fell silent, excused himself for the men’s room, and did not bring it up again.
Oh God, they’re all coming back to me now. He cheated on me with a friend who is an identical twin. After DDay, he wanted to continue playing in the volleyball league with her twin. He was completely confused when I told him this was inappropriate. “But the team is counting on me.” *Facepalm*. Bro has the weirdest priorities.
They just don’t live in reality.
Along the lines of the sandwich request…and of complying…
The morning after I told my now-ex I wanted a divorce, ten days before I was moving out, I asked him what he wanted to do about dinners for those ten days. He said he’d prefer it if I just kept up shopping and cooking dinner until I moved out, because it would be easiest for him that way. So I did.
Oh I’m sure it was. I think after I decided the divorce needed to happen, I did not eat anything he cooked or cook anything for him. We were both using the kitchen, so I did my own dishes, or did them some nights while he was responsible others. We did our own laundry. It made sense to me to drop doing things for him in some ways. In other ways, I was (kind of) still helping him, because I did apartment hunting for us both (although was thinking of daughter, dog) and finding an attorney. I think my panic and anger pushed me to help with the things that would help get this all done and over with.
I asked him about dinners because I wanted to avoid the awkwardness of both of us in the kitchen at the same time preparing our meals. At the time I was also very concerned about making sure he couldn’t accuse me of “unfairness,” not that any action on my part, fair or not, would have made any difference to his assigning blame to me and making everything my fault.
Oh yes, I can see wanting to make sure the space was FW free – that didn’t occur to me, but makes perfect sense, as does trying to remain appearing fair (and beyond). Also a bit of normalcy, if you’re the one usually cooking, can be calming. I think I just ended up making a meal for myself when I knew he was not there or had already eaten. I didn’t really talk to him unless necessary during this time either, so probably why the more passive choice to avoid.
I’ve beaten myself up a lot for that choice of mine to keep cooking joint dinners for those ten days, so I want to thank you for pointing out that the normalcy was a bit of a calm in the storm of those days. It’s true that for me, coming home after work and making a meal was a kind of calming ritual, although it was also for me a way that I believed I was tending to our marriage. I knew I was leaving and wouldn’t be coming back, but I was also still in the habit of thinking of “us” or “him.”
For what it’s worth, I can see both our choices being the ones we had to make for ourselves at the time. What counts is that we got out and away from that abuse.
Absolutely Adelante please, the beating yourself up stops now. All justifiable reasons – as you said “both choices are the ones we had to make for ourselves at the time”. And both options for you and Chumponit worked.
Someone said to me once in a faux American drawl, “You got black horses. You got white horses. Same, but different.”
The processing of the OP v Mack Truck crash takes many many months. You took the path that you had the energy and capacity for at the time. X
I think many of us are still in shock. I handled it pretty well I think, given the Mack Truck that had just run me over. But, there are a couple things I wish I hadn’t and had done.
Definitely in full shock and survival mode during that time. We did what made sense to us.
Absolutely x
Gosh, where to start, there are so many!
FW had his driving licence cancelled (not withdrawn) after so many DUIs and had to show up at the police station near the Swiss border. I was still taking him to work at that point because I knew otherwise he would pester the hell out of our kids (it was about a 40 km drive from home to work and across the Swiss/French border). On the day he had to go the police station he commented “oh and I’ll need you to pick me up afterwards”! I looked at him and yelled “IFFFFFF I agree to pick you up you can meet me at the park and ride at the border at 18h”. “But how am I supposed to get there?* “Oh I don’t know, take a bus, take a taxi, walk – ya know like we lesser mortals”. (My older son went and picked him up).
Thursday is market day in our little town and there are signs up everywhere on Wednesday evening warning people not to park overnight on the main square. Well Schmoopie must have forgotten and her car was towed. FW told her not to worry as I would take her to pick her car up (didn’t happen).
I was in Spain with my sister and BIL and wandering round a local market I picked up a pretty bed cover at a really decent price. When I got home he asked why I didn’t get one for his place!! Face palm. there are many more but ….!
Yeah, right after I kicked him out, he called me from jail. He had been arrested for driving on a suspended license. Not sure what he wanted me to do about it! I was like, “yeah, I can’t help you.”
It was so wonderful to say “so what are you going to do about it?” after I finally stopped being his chaos janitor. It was hard at first because he was (and still is) such a mess, but when I stopped seeing it as my problem to solve my life got so much easier!
Chaos janitor. I love the term. I know someone who is exactly that for their adult overly entitled unable to do much of anything for themselves kids.
Guess how that affects any intimate relationships??
“chaos janitor” I really need to remember that.
There was a night before we separated when he stomped out of the house in a snowstorm and was taken into protective custody. I didn’t realize he’d been drinking. If I could go back in time I would have let him sit in jail all night.
Yep been there and done that. Who do you think he called at 1 am after crashing his car at the Swis/French border after he’d been drinking. Great place to crash mind you, what with all those border guards and police officers present!
Mine was having an emotional affair with one young woman and attempting something more with at least another.
Although he no longer wanted to have s*c with me he wanted to continue sleeping with me so he could have his hands all over me at night. I let him do this a few times and if I got aroused he would roll over and go to sleep.
He actually told me this was all he wanted from me. Stupid me let him do it!
You aren’t stupid. And I won’t get into it, but trust that if you had to hear the depths I went to, you would feel so much better about what you put up with. As others have said, we do what we have to in the monent for whatever reasons we have. Time and space brings clarity that can lead to “oh I wish I hadn’t put up with THAT” but getting out is the goal. We all get there or will get there.
You weren’t/ aren’t “stupid me”, honey. You were a decent human caught up in his self centred, narcnado.
Thank you! That term narcnado, made me lol!
😂🙌😘
That’s some controlling BS if I ever heard it. Testing you, but also showing you he’s not going to do anything you want or anything for you. It’s so hard to untangle and deprogram yourself.
Talk about selfish right? So glad I’m at meh about it all now. And so glad I’m out of that relationship!
I think once the mask slips, they feel free to reveal themselves more and more, and/or it’s the hubris of thinking you won’t leave them. Guess again!
Yes. I totally agree with you. On both counts.
Oh yeah, and then after we separated and going through divorce he told our daughter he wanted to travel with me just staying separate rooms. Well guess who paid for travel when we were married?? Not him! Cuz I was the main breadwinner.
Very fortunately, I heard third hand that Cheaty McLiarface EXPECTED to be invited to the marital home that he had moved out of for various holidays. I write “very fortunately” because the laugh that I wouldn’t have been able to hold back if he had said this directly to my face would have been added to the list of unforgivables that he was amassing against me. Because
laughing at Cheaty’s emotionality immature entitlement is equal in its offense to his lifetime of lying with the intent to manipulate.
2 immediately come to mind:
1/ DD had been 4 months earlier. I had asked him what the OW had thought about him still being married. He said that he hadn’t told her yet. WHAAAAT??!!
He then asked me when and how he should go about doing that. <— Idiot.
I called her myself with the surprising news.
2/ After they had decided to get married anyway (OW now fully aware she had snagged a liar AND a cheater), he asked for a list of the people I had not told that he was a lying cheater.
He wanted to invite whomever was NOT on the list to the wedding.
Wow. Just…wow. Especially #2.
Hahaha LOL! 😂
Bahaha, anything their grubby thieving hands can take with them, never mind the sheer delusion of it all!
When FW was finally leaving 7 months after DDay after I had filed for divorce, he asked for his burner phone back! I told him I had thrown it out, which is what he had told me he had done with it before I found it hidden in the garage.
LOL!
What? You were helping!
Geez. DDay was two years ago, and I never really thought about how mind-bogglingly entitled she was, and how utterly stuck in pick-me-dance trauma bonding I was. Of course her affair happened at work, and she begged me not to say anything because she “loved and needed that little job.” And of course I complied. But even better, she texted the OM as part of that job, and of course they were great “friends”, so it would have been *suspicious* if they suddenly stopped texting constantly. Oh but also she “needed to keep that little thread of normalcy in her life” or something like that. Because my life sure felt totally normal at that point, right?
So of course, chumpedy chump I am, I acquiesced. I kept quiet. I let her keep texting him and drove myself crazy playing marriage police. She even had the nerve to say something along the lines of “I’ve read about people that get caught and refuse to leave their partners, at least I’m not that bad!” Of course when it finally did come to light, absolutely nothing happened to her. Everything was hushed up in the name of not causing a scandal.
Of course there was the request that probably many of us who were dumped rather than initiating the divorce ourselves, which was to show a united front when telling the kids about the divorce. I was still fighting tooth and nail to stay married at that point, but at least I had found some backbone. I made it very clear to the kids that she was doing it against my will. I’m sure she’s since spun it for them into her leaving because of something I did.
Story #2 -,after D day, I was throwing out all the lacey undergarments and nightie he had bought for me…a drawer full. Cheater was in the garage as I swept by with the garbage bag in my hands. Hey, I yelled through the garage door, maybe your co-worker girl would want these!! He called back to me…ahhh she wouldn’t fit in them, she’s bigger than you!
True story.
Well my ex abandoned me for a coworker 1 week after my hysterectomy, together 18 years. He met a new coworker right after my surgery and they immediately “fell in love” and got engaged before we even discussed divorce. I was 35 and crying that I could no longer have kids, still healing, just moved to a new state, no job, no support and then he abandoned me. So about 2 weeks after he left, he text me randomly asking order him more of his testosterone supplements (that helped with his very chronic ED). I declined. Like what the actual f***? You want me to help you perform better, yeah nope. I’ve felt so alone with my story, he completely changed, like a stranger, but now I see how incredibly but unfortunately common this is.
I don’t know how true this is but someone told me that comedian George Lopez who had to have a kidney transplant, ditched his wife for a younger model after wife donated a kidney to him.
It seems that this leaving while chump is having a medical crisis is all too common.
What is it about being abandoned while recovering from surgery? Seems to be a theme.
They are pretty common in terms of being dirt bags. That was my fws name for himself, when he wrote a lame letter of apology. So I will use it.
Asking you to help him with his er’s is real gall though.
My FW left me for his ho worker, and he gave her an engagement ring before he even filed for D. I think he may have been in save his job mode, but still.
Ha! FW in my case called himself a dirtbag, to me and to one of his dirtbag APs (I found an email to her: “I just got home from shaking it with you in my truck and B&R had cleaned the house and cooked a nice dinner. The dirtbag is back.)
But then when I called him that, he acted hurt and offended. Oh DARVO. Dirtbag is a euphemism for that FW.
Straight up asking you for help with his d*ck – that is chutzpah! Definitely some insight into what he values most.
(as I am no longer allowed to say “the universal word that everybody knows and understands”, I will hereinafter be using the word “traitor” in its place as I spend too much time doing clinical documentation to bandy with abbreviations overall. Thanks, Management.)
My traitor declined to have any kind of “transition of power” conversation before she moved out. She made it pretty clear that she was taking what she was going to take and that would be that. And I was pretty fairly ok with that. The problem was she was not at all organized in her departure. She said that we would still be friends, was trying to spin it as “separation but we would never be together again”-I think she still wanted some hooks into the homestead.
She neglected to realize that she herself is a negligent human being that had been receiving princess treatment for the last 8 years and presumed that I would just keep sweeping up after her. Apart from packing up her work computer (which was a really “get out of my home faster, please” gambit on my part) I was not permitted to at all help her move out. And it showed. She may have actually gotten away with me maintaining appliance status had she not bombed couples counseling so badly.
It took her three months to drop off her set of keys and collect most of the rest of her things. OK, fine, I imagine “free storage for traitors” is a pretty common Chump issue. She also famously left all of her messes behind. She just took her stuff and left. It took months to deep clean away her negligence (despite all that I found as recently as two months ago little messes that she left and tucked away). I recently found “still more important stuff” she left behind as well.
She also decided that she was against changing her mailing address. I never got the mailbox key back from her. After that three-month mark, I got a nasty email from her about taking her mail out of the mailbox, quote, “because they haven’t changed my mailing address yet.” No stupid, you never bothered to change it, set up mail forwarding, etc. I guess her romantic fantasy of striking out on her own and being liberated involved me still triaging the bills that she did not want to pay and making her own laziness still convenient for her.
I was directed to leave her mail in the box and take mine out. I rolled my eyes and complied. I had to monitor my mail very carefully after that-I would not put a federal offense past her at this point. She skipped town without telling me not long after (she dropped off a couple of things she had “mistakenly” taken when it came time for her tax return to come). No further instructions or communication (might I add, “Thank God.”) I bought a “Return to Sender, Recipient No Longer Here” stamper that got quite the workout on all of her Past Due and Final Notices over the last couple of years.
FW abandoned all his belongings for *three years*. Never asked, never tried to get them. I finally threw most of it out after he said he was going to kick us out of the house and I was getting ready to move. You guessed it — he was outraged when he got around to asking where ALL his belongings were a year later and threatened to sue.
About 7 months after D-Day #2 while separated, my delusional cheater proposed going on a family vacation in honor of our young adult kids’ friend’s visit to the US (the friend being from another country).
Chumpy me not only went along with it – entirely for my kids’ sake and that of their visiting friend – I made the bookings and did all the meal planning!
So it wasn’t a request from him, per se, but something he brought up to the kids before asking me first. It felt like a trap, as he knew I would do almost anything for my kids. I don’t really know how I survived that “let’s pretend nothing happened and have a good vacation together” time.
Woke me up at 1:00 am. Wanted me to stay alone with our kid for 2 days in Disney World (our family vacation) so he could fly home to attend AP’s grandmother’s funeral.
Because it was “the right thing to do”.
I told him the “right thing to do” was send an effing Edible Arrangement and stay with his FAMILY on vacation (wreckonciliation, you petty, petty beast).
He refused, so I told him if he leaves, we ALL leave.
He got to tell our kid we had to leave Disney World because HE needed to take care of some things.
At this point, we couldn’t get flights back in time, so he missed the funeral.
He ended up marrying her. To this day, I hope she resents him malignantly and flies into a rage every time she thinks about him abandoning her in her “hour of need.
Hahahahahahaha.
And this is why it’s such b.s. when people say, “but FW is such a great parent!” His kid got a truncated Disney trip because FW had to attend to AP. Just awful.
Well, let’s see what I can remember, almost nine years out, come this April.
Hmm. I remember she told me her sh***y AP boss told her to tell me that he would tell his wife of forty years that upcoming weekend about their adultery, and that I was not to try to inform his wife beforehand (I confronted the FW XW on a Thursday evening, and stayed up straight for roughly the next 24-36 hours after she told me).
I debated following this, as I was seeing red that night, but ultimately decided not to tell his soon to be XW. I think I was so overwhelmed with shock at that point, and still dealing with my depression as well, that I was not not thinking my best. And, my mind was already in the pick-me-dance, which cautioned against pissing my adulterous wife off more.
Not to say I listened to this facet of my mind exclusively. I soon found my anger and took her wedding and engagement rings, which she hadn’t worn since our youngest was born (she blamed me for getting her pregnant), claiming his pregnancy had fattened her fingers, and they needed to be resized or better yet, she needdd to be given new ones.🙄
She wouldn’t have noticed that I’d taken them very quickly if I hadn’t made a point of teasing her with clues about me doing it. Pissed her off, but gave me a lot of satisfaction to tell her the truth: that she forfeited any right to them by what she’d done.🤬
The last thing I can remember right now is how for roughly six months after both D-day and her moving a literal half-mile down the street from me with her now former boss, she continued to treat the house she left me in, now solely my home (but with her still technically being half-owner) as if it were still HER home.
She’d wander in and out as if she still lived there, which most decidedly did NOT. She’d come in while I was working, on a willy-nilly schedule, then gave me shit one night early on after she left because I wasn’t keeping the house up to her standards (this was after I came home to find she’d ruthlessly cleaned the kitchen, unasked for. I was PISSED OFF).
I told her unless the kids (they were all living with me at that point) were choking on dirt, she no longer had a say in what happened in the house. In MY HOME.
By the time Thanksgiving rolled around, I’d gotten a female divorce attorney, and I asked her if I could put new deadbolts on the doors of the house to keep her out, as I was going away to my eldest brother’s for Thanksgiving in MA.
She thought about it for a minute (after I explained how my adulterous wife, and she was legally still my wife, was trampling all over my boundaries by coming in the house whenever she pleased), then said she thought she could make a judge understand my need, or something along those lines.
Boom. Deadbolts were put in, and I got an upset/unhappy adulterous wife expressing her displeasure in what I’d done while I was down at my brother’s.
Even my younger daughter thought I was going too far, that her mother was entitled to come in the house since she still owned half of it.
Nope. Too bad for all. I was sick of my adulterous wife’s ridiculous sense of entitlement; wanting her cake and to eat it, too. No more.
That same younger daughter, I think, has more respect for me now. She’s in grad school for social work, and doing well. And I think she’s realizing what her dad was dealing with. At least, I hope so.
Anyway, happy Friday to all my fellow chumps, and may your day and weekend be all you want them to be, including f**knit free.😁
That’s great lawyer was agreeable to deadbolts! So hard for others (family, kids, non-chumps) to truly understand the complete breach of trust, the fear of further betrayal (e.g. theft of assets, invasion or further desecration of your home, your “safe space”). I know I wouldn’t have understood it unless I had lived it.
Anyway, good job! And best wishes to daughter in her social work studies. 🌿
Thank you, MrsCrumpetChump.😊
No, it took awhile for (I think) both of my daughters to have some understanding, and my son, the one who got the brunt of the sh*tshow as the only minor when the FW XW left, still doesn’t understand it most of the time.
But, I can only hope in time that he does. He shows his love for me, but cannot understand why I still harbor boundaries/strong feelings of distrust (and disgust ?) regarding his mother, and others I now see when they act narcissistically. He is only twenty.🤷♂️🫤
Love, peace and happiness for you, today and as much as is possible.😊
Ballbag McGee lied under oath about how long we’d been separated so he could marry The Triffid.
He then expected me to attend the wedding in another Island and take our kids back to the hotel room the second they became inconvenient to the new happy family.
I declined that generous offer to dance attendance at yet another sham wedding.
OMG! Expected you to ATTEND HIS WEDDING and then take care of the kids!!!
Do these fools ever LISTEN to themselves? Yes, I know they don’t.
“The Triffid.” I love it.
Second that! I’d want to have gone to the wedding to shove the wedding cake up both of their nostrils.🤬
Me too! I like it better than The Twiglet – ugly, dry, stick-looking British snack.
So many ridiculous demands and requests to choose from, so I’ll type out one that I haven’t told before (afaik):
[For our non-US Chumps, we have something here called a Health Savings Account wherein you can avoid income tax on a portion of your income that you deposit into that account to be used for healthcare costs. You can deposit up to a maximum per year (which changes every year) and you must meet the deadline every year or lose the opportunity for that year.]
Because of the pandemic 2020, the deadline for HSA deposits was extended, as I recall it was 17 months instead of the usual 12. On the last day of the qualifying period I got a call from FW: Mrs. Bendover had gone to her bank 5 minutes before closing on the day of the deadline (Idiot!!) and the bank refused to transfer her funds to a different bank where her HSA was held. The bank told her it took ten minutes to complete the transfer because the funds were going from that bank to a different bank, and they were closing in five minutes. So she had missed the deadline for the year. FW said it just so happened that Bendover’s HSA account was held in the same bank that he and I used, and a transfer from same bank -to- same bank would be done before the midnight deadline. He instructed me to go into my savings account and transfer (was it $3500 that year?) funds from my account into hers, and she would write me a check. He said if I did not do it and Bendover missed the deadline then I would be fired from my job (worked for him) and he would give me trouble during marital settlement negotiations. I was so pissed off, and somehow still hurt, that I was not only cleaning up FW’s chaos, but was now expected to clean up Bendover’s mess. She waited 17 months, up until five minutes before deadline. Not me. Her. She did it, and I had to handle it under threat. Longer story short, I called my bank and made the transfer, but I started to cry when talking to the bank rep and spilled the story. She got the job done, and wished me well. Bendover did in fact pay me back, but the problem was not the money, and my FW did not understand that.
Holy. F*cking. Sh*t.😱🤬
That’s insane. I’m so sorry he forced that on you. I vote for him to be continually eaten by Satan in hell (if any of that was real) for eternity. À la Dante.
I’m really rooting for karma to do a number on your FW XH, and his AP. Horrible, disgustingly selfish troglodytes that they are.
I hope YOU are in a much better place than you were then. And FW-free. Lots of peace love, and happiness to you, Best Thing.
What a horrid horrid thing to put you through that as well. ((Hugs))
My FW recently asked me to “write up a document saying you won’t take me to the cleaners if we get divorced and then sign it.” We were at a table in a restaurant mind you. BIG PAUSE…….and I said, “the irony that a liar and a cheater such as yourself would want a DOCUMENT is not lost on me. Especially given that you have solemnly sworn your undying love and devotion in our marriage vows and after every single cheat sesh you were caught in. So, NFW will that document happen!”
FW: “Cannot believe you would be that vindictive.”
Me: “Go eat cake and take your kibbles with you.” Oh wait…..that’s what my inside voice said! My outside voice just sat there and stared blankly at FW.
Not even all that unusual for a FW, I think, but he kept texting me (he refused to leave the house for 9 months post-DDay, so I would lock myself in my office when he was in the house and only text him) about how great the child mistress is and how if the circumstances were different, we’d totally be friends. He even tried to convince me that he would always be there for me, and she totally understood because she’s such a good person and felt so terrible for me. I finally just texted that I never wanted to hear about her again, and why would he think I would be interested?
Of course, at the time, I thought he was just stupidly tone deaf; now I know that it was intentional.
Mine pulled the “you would totally be friends with her” bs on me too. The delusion they live under is unreal.
Yeah, I believe I got the “you’d really like him!” bullsh*t, too.🤬🙄
My main response to this was along the lines of, tell him to watch his back, and if he’s going to drop our minor son off for you, tell him to do it a block away from my house (I could see the drop off point from my house), because I can’t guarantee I’ll be responsible for my actions if he gets too close.
A few weeks after DDay FW calls to ask me if it is ok for our 17 year old son to work a summer job doing maintenance work at her school district with the AP. “So you think it is a good idea for our minor child to to work with a married guy who sleeps with married co-workers?”
She says, “It’s not like that!”
To which I said, “I would like to hear how it’s different.” At which point she hangs up.
😂🙌
I can’t remember how long after D-Day this was as it has been almost 20 years now, but I was deep into a wreckonciliation weekend.
You know how it goes. Spend time together doing various outings to “reignite the spark”. (Insert eye roll here)
We were visiting a Renaissance Faire.
Exwasband and I were wandering through the various vendor booths and found a smith selling swords.
I cannot explain his fury at my refusal to buy him a $600 sword. And when he then tried to sweet talk me into buying it, it suddenly hit me how ridiculous the whole weekend had been. Of all things that could have broken the rose colored glasses, those few moments were it.
So I asked him, very loudly, “You’re effing someone else but *you* are mad at *me*? Because I won’t buy you a sword? Get your side-piece to buy you one.”
Wreckonciliation over.
He’s lucky you did not decapitate him on the spot because I would have been sorely tempted to, just sayin
I’m going to second that emotion!🤬🤣
My husband of 20 years told me he “just needed better boundaries”. It was all fine as long as he was clear with his 21 year old affair partner (or any subsequent or additional partners) how much time he had to offer her. I will note here he was gone about 40% of the many months leading up to D-day for personal time and “to be in nature”. My little one would cry and our adult daughter was pissed but used to it as well. We were 48 at the time.
He said the kids would come first, then me, then whatever other person he was involved with. I did not find out until after I got an attorney that he was a sugar daddy through seekingarrangements.com. * Tracy, I think I have material for an entire podcast because this is just the icing on the cake!
I got more than one insane request: To let him bring his new “soulmate” over to meet me and my son/grandkids (cos I’d like her too). He wanted me to stay at one of my friend’s houses so HE could stay in MY house (he was never on title) because he said he didn’t really have a place to live. To let him drive my car for a while. To let him stay/try it out with his coworkerslutsoulmate for a couple weeks to see if the “love was real” or not. The best one was that I should let him have both of us. My only answer to him was NO for all of that. He was serious and so delusional, not the guy I originally married 30 yrs ago. It’s actually sad how crazy he was. Now I’m 100% no contact but I’ll never forget that trauma.
Expected to STAY IN YOUR HOUSE! SMDH!
That was one of his many “solutions”.
Wanted me to explain how I made his favorite dishes so the new wife appliance could whip them up for him.
FWs really do think of chumps as appliances. All they want is service.
My FW ex asked if I would go through round FIVE of marital counseling. Nope. Nope I will not.
OH and another one! He asked me to pick him up from minor surgery. When I refused, he tried to coerce our daughter into doing it, AND using MY CAR (that I got in the decree) to pick him up with. NO NO NONONO that did not happen.
Oh man! I’m so embarrassed by how many things I actually DID do when we first split five years ago. I paid for the first six months of rent at his new apartment. I helped him shop for and set up said apartment. I brought him food and medicine when he got Covid. There were so many other things that I did after we first separated. I finally snapped out of it and cut him off, but it took awhile. I was a right chumpy Chump for the first year or so after we split up.
More recently though, we are divorced and I am strict NC, he kept leaving me messages (blocked callers go to BLOCKED MESSAGES on my phone). I finally texted him saying “What? Why are you calling me when you know that I am no contact with you?” He replied “I need a ride home from the doctor next week. I’m having a colonoscopy.” I texted him back. “My services as your wife appliance are over. Call an Uber.” I’m proud of myself. It took awhile, but I finally found my spine.
Good for you. What a maroon! As the classic Bugs Bunny would say.😁
Better late than never. You found this blog. I know of a chump who still pet sits for the FW & OW who not only cheated on her but used her to fund/finish his education before the discard. SMH
Oh, God. That’s awful. Just awful.
I just found out a woman I’m friends with at work, probably in her sixties, separated from her husband for a year because she found out he’d been cheating on her for over 17 years of their marriage (he’s a player, she just told me last week).
Did she divorce him? No! In her words, she looked around, and she didn’t see anything better. Let me repeat that: SHE DIDN’T SEE ANYTHING BETTER. Granted, we’re in one of the three smallest New England states, but f*ck me!
I hope the shock wasn’t too evident on my face. Good grief. I feel really sad for her, now. She presents as a really strong woman. Then I find out this. I know we’re all human, but I wish she’d have at least been introduced to Chumplady.com. Might have saved her some grief.
Now, she’s also provided a shitty example to at least her daughter and son as to how people handle infidelity and long-standing double lives from their spouses. Ugh.
Striking a bargain with the Devil rarely works out for the chump and especially an older one. Gray divorce is hard and turning a blind eye to keep a lifestyle or coupledom seems easier of course. I know that siren song.
However, being at the mercy of a narcissistic sociopath when one is old and sick and vulnerable is dangerous and possibly fatal.
Your coworker thinks it’s hard now in her 60s? Her 70, 80 year old future self would likely think God@mmit why didn’t I leave in my 60s?
Bingo!
You don’t need to be embarrassed. Your spine was just wrapped up in so many layers of love and generosity and kindness that it just took a while for all those layers to come off. Man, awesome retort when they did though!
On D-Day, after hearing that he “had feelings for someone else” (the married coworker) he said he’d been thinking about moving closer to work as he was tired of the 40 minute drive to work – note this is through a spacious, picturesque landscape. He could live there for four nights of the week and come home for three over the weekend. He wondered what I thought of that idea, it seemed good to him. 🙄
MrsCrumpetChump,
Of course! We’re only there to help them achieve what they want in life! That’s it!🤣
How devastating it must be when we’re no longer the faithful, obedient (relatively 😁) appliance spouse we’d been for years. Why wouldn’t you like that new arrangement? Life’s all about him! We’re just slow in recognizing it.😂
Ugh. Makes me ill, thinking about your FW XH (and my FW XW). Oh, I almost forgot. My FW XW also wanted to tell me where I should live after she left me.🙄 Great Spirit, give us strength!🤣
I hope you’re well past having to deal with that pathetic, self-created cretin.
Sending you lots of love, peace and happiness. I hope you’re living your best possible life.😊
I had already gone deep in debt to buy a house for my ex that she wanted, because I thought it would finally be enough. She would be happy with our life together. Then after DDay, but before the divorce, I knew I had to pretend to still want to keep her happy. She selected another house that was three times the cost of the one I already bought and said that if I bought that one for her she would never cheat again! I pretended to go along. I even toured the house with her. She never caught on that I was just pretending.
I hope you kicked Princess cheater to the curb post haste