Who You Thought You Were, Who You Really Are

So riffing on last Friday’s post “What You Thought It Was, What It Really Was,” I thought we might turn things on their head a bit and consider our self-perceptions — then and now. Who you thought you were then, living with a cheater — and who are you really?

How deeply did you buy into the mindfuck? Sure, you can say, “I thought I was happily married and I was loved, but oh hey, I wasn’t.” CN, that’s so last week. I mean, who did the cheater try to convince you you were, and who are you REALLY?

An example — one not-so-subtle mindfuck my cheating ex laid on me was to tell me how incompetent I was. I couldn’t close drawers. Made pasta wrong (had the pasta to sauce ratio off). I was unorganized.

Now folks, I’m no Felix Unger, but I’m pretty damn organized. He learned exactly HOW organized when I left him. He thought we were reconciling. Meanwhile, I made excel spreadsheets, catalogued every item in every room, took pictures (so he couldn’t claim I took something that wasn’t mine), hired movers, enlisted a friend, lined up financing, BOUGHT A HOUSE on the sly, turned off all the utilities the day I moved out (they were in my name of course — CHUMP), enlisted the neighbors as scouts, got a rent-a-truck, created a fictitious conference to attend so he wouldn’t call me all morning, AND MOVED OUT OF A 3,500 SQUARE FOOT HOUSE IN UNDER 3 HOURS.

Unorganized motherfucker?

I’m a fucking field marshal.

How about you?

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Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

I thought I was boring in bed.

Hoo boy howdy, were he and I both wrong about that. Bored, for certain, yes… but definitely not boring.

????

champchump
champchump
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I would like to point out to all chumps who were told they didn’t measure up in bed that, according to my observations, cheaters almost ALWAYS project their own faults and insecurities onto you.

So if you are being told you were no good in the sack, it’s because your cheater was afraid HE (or SHE) didn’t measure up, not YOU.

Remember that when trying to understand any and all insults and criticisms they hand out. Ninety-nine times out of 100 it’s about them, not you.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  champchump

Thank you. That’s a good reminder.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I posted a bit back that I could not believe how different sex was with someone who cares about you. It’s really amazing! I can hardly believe how fulfilling my sex life is right now. As boyfriend pointed out nicely, sex is something you do with someone not something you do to someone.

LettingGo
LettingGo
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

I hope I find a boyfriend like that someday 🙂

Perfectlife
Perfectlife
6 years ago
Reply to  LettingGo

Me too!
I have had one partner for 25 years and he has sucked! I mean really he is just a total selfish self-absorbed jack ass. At first I thought- oh hell no never again! Now – I am thinking – oh hell yes! I cannot wait! It would be the biggest kibble ever if he knew I never had sex again. Nope- that’s is not going to be the end of my story. “She died and old shriveled up maid.” Hella no!
“She died really, really happy and had a ton of great sex!” Now, that is going to be my epitaph!

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

THE DOCTOR said I was disorganized and an underachiever b/c I was a stay at home mom the past 8 years while HE “commuted” home on weekends so I’m not sure who would have provided care for our troubled daughter. Not him…

2 weeks after I was out of the hospital for a newly diagnosed neurological problem, and on new meds, I flew my sisters and brother in law out west to pack me and drive me and my dog cross country. (I had also filed for divorce).

I moved in with a sister until I had healed enough to function (or as THE DOCTOR said, I “used my seizures as an excuse not to work). Then I moved my furniture out of storage and into a condo and live alone for the first time in my life (no offense to my poodle. She lacks opposable thumbs and cannot open a beer to save herself).

Now I’m job hunting and enjoy living alone far more than I expected. Turns out, I’m hilarious and smart and a great loyal friend.

Geode
Geode
6 years ago

My ex called me a rage-addict and a rage-aholic when he was in treatment for “Sex Addiction”. Looking back, I only raged about the prostitues in my bedroom. I haven’t “raged” since I kicked him out and went NC last year.

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago
Reply to  Geode

Mine always talked about my “anger issues”. Essentially I wasn’t allowed to be upset about anything he did (prostitutes, financial infidelity, lying etc) or didn’t do (have anything but minimal involvement in family life), never mind his constant passive aggression. Any objection I had just was turned around on my being such an angry person.
The odd thing is (with the exception of me hating queuing/waiting in traffic which I totally own!) I really don’t tend to feel angry with other people very often at all. Both my children have special needs and can be challenging but I rarely feel angry with them – and people who know me often comment on my patience. I also work in a field where being impatient/angry would not work at all. I rarely (if ever) fall out with friends or colleagues – and not because I’m suppressing my rage, I just don’t feel it. I’m no saint, that is not what I’m trying to say, I guess it is just having had his telling me I am this angry person for so long and so often – I recognise now blame shifting and projection, nevertheless it is hard not to internalise. Time and distance help, I guess …

Differently Chumped
Differently Chumped
6 years ago
Reply to  OutOfSparkles

Yes! Apparently I have a terrible anger problem as well. And you’re right- he thinks I cannot be angry about anything he does or doesn’t do.
I admit to having punched a wall and thrown things during our discussions/ arguments.

But don’t anger problems typically run through every aspect of the angry person’s life? They have conflicts at work, in the grocery store, with family, etc?

This is not the case with me. He is the common denominator in my angry episodes. Inteteresting. . .

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Geode

It never ceases to amaze me how these guys fail to comprehend our rages.

Jgirl
Jgirl
6 years ago

They don’t fail to comprehend them, but their entitlement prohibits them from accepting them.

HeChump
HeChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I’ve had just enough coffee and just little enough sleep to overshare in front of the entire world:

My wife said that her affair, and her leaving me, were prompted by the “fact” that she has not been sexually attracted to me for the better part of our 20+year relationship. (Total revisionist history.) She said I don’t turn her on. She said she’s never “wanted me” that way. She said her boyfriend made her realize that her increasing lack of interest in sex over the course of our marriage was not, it turns out, the result of low libido, hormone imbalance, or psychological hurdles. It was the result of our lack of chemistry, and, apparently, my inability to get the job done in the sack.

I was reared in the 70s. My single mom left a lot of books about empowered-woman sexuality lying around for me to read when she wasn’t looking. If I took no other message away, it’s that a man must be kind, thoughtful and generous in bed. (I’m about to go all heteronormative here, because that’s my frame of reference.) I learned that a man should be keenly attuned to his partners’ likes and dislikes. That he should know her anatomy as well as his own. I learned he should care about her orgasm at least as much as his own (and probably more, because, after all, orgasms, for women, were often trickier to achieve.) He should be emotionally present and, ideally, spiritually connected. He should be open-minded and expressive and solicitous. Not selfish. Not purely (though partly!) animal. Nice, but not too nice. Confident, but not dominant. Unless dominance was requested. Dirty, but not too dirty. Unless extra dirtiness was requested. He should really strive to *see* his partner, and, above all, he should respect her. He should be, to steal Dan Savage’s phrase, good, giving and game.

Having grown up with men who were not exactly shining examples of gentlemanly excellence, I hungrily internalized all these messages about male and female sexuality the way some kids my age were internalizing sports stats or the Scout handbook. I was committed to being a good lover — and, more important, a good guy.

As I got a chance to test all this stuff out, the feedback was positive. Maybe all those girlfriends and occasional hookups were just being kind. Maybe they didn’t have anyone to compare me to. But I don’t think so, not all of them. Generally, I got high marks. By the time I married my wife, I was comfortable with myself in bed, had achieved a nice balance between the carnal and the spiritual, and valued the connecting power of sex above all. I also looked forward to sex as an opportunity to demonstrate love for my wife and treat her well. I thought sex, all in all, was about the best jolly good fun two deeply bonded people could have.

My wife and I had an extraordinary sex life early on. Our sexual compatibility is one of the reasons I married her. She pretends now that this never existed. She is wrong. And as our life together unfolded, I was as sexually confident and as authentic, sexually and emotionally, as I’d ever been in my life. I dropped my guard, I opened myself up. I did my best to meet her at least halfway, to really *see* her, and to make her wants and needs and fears and tics as important (if not more so) than my own. I continued to be dedicated to being a good lover — and a good guy. I didn’t always succeed, but I never stopped trying.

Now I’m told that I fell short. Now I’m told that another man does it all better. Now I’m told that another man sees her more fully, loves her more fully, satisfies her more fully, than I ever could. He has effortlessly, thanks to the magic of “chemistry,” found the combination to her physio-emotional lockbox. I’m told that a long, multidimensional sex life that naturally followed the shifting contours of the rest of our life together was lackluster at best, a chore at worst. I’m told I’m not attractive. I’m told that it is not pleasurable to touch, hold kiss or make love with me. I’m told that destroying our family, betraying our marriage vows and upending our lives was a reasonable cost to pay for the freedom to have sex with another man and the guarantee to never have sex with me again.

In my weakest moments, I feel profoundly foolish, profoundly inept, and like a profound failure. I can’t imagine ever bringing myself sexually to a woman again. I did it the best I know how, and made myself as vulnerable as I could, and it was both insufficient and repellent.

So, going forward, it’s on me to keep those demons silenced, and to try to do my best — again — with a worthy partner someday. I am really, really looking forward to the kind of validation you’ve all described above.

(Dang, HeChump, more coffee?)

— HeChump

The Ex-orcist
The Ex-orcist
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

HeChump-
Narcs/Sociopath’s are notorious for kicking you when you are down. They stab you with that butcher knife and leave it there, twisting it just to see you writhe in agony.
In reality, she was (and did) hit you where it hurt, and you can’t understand why she would say such harmful things to you unless, perhaps, they were true. Chumps are also notorious (myself included) at projecting our good character on other people. We can’t believe someone would be so cruel because we would never intentionally cause pain to another. I am not a liar, and if I say something then it’s true, hurtful or not. So I automatically believe this is true of everyone else.
Well, we all know the reality that our projection on others probably causes us more pain. When your bitch ex told you her whore new man was better than you? You believe it because you would never say such a thing to her.
Dealing with these sons and daughters of the devil is not easy, it’s very painful, and no contact allows the mindfuck to end. I can assure you that your momma was a smart lady, she wanted her son to understand a woman. She wanted you to love a woman like a woman needs to be loved. It sounds to me that you have all the ingredients for the right woman. There are many love starved partners out there, good women who will recognize your worth. Just remember those women will find you to be a little unbelievable because of the clueless selfish fuckers we are accostomed to.
Don’t settle for less than your worth. And don’t believe that crazy bitch. If you provide opportunities for her to twist the knife then you have nobody to blame but yourself.
I’m 2 yrs out. That fucker told me nobody would want me. Well, that’s not true. Even at 51 years of age they STILL chase me. I was very selective and now am in a relationship with what appears to be a good man, who has ED by the way. I’m not disappointed in his inability to maintain an erection. He is attentive, is confident (regardless), knows a woman’s body, and likes to please. He also loves me and shows it everyday. I feel so lucky to have him. And let me tell you-I thought he was a fraud because he is such a good person, but I’m learning to love and trust again. I admit I’m still cautious (collateral damage from 18 years with a bona fide sociopath). Moral of story: that bitch is a liar. Remember that.

Chumptacular
Chumptacular
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

They are sexually abusive.

At not quite the midpoint of my 29 year marriage, my then-husband would approach me for sexual intercourse but would not offer any foreplay. I would oblige him although I was not sufficiently aroused. He would call me “Chillie Willie”, insinuating that I was frigid. When I asked him for foreplay, he would sometimes lose his erection. This came on the heels of the death of my father and on the eve of my diagnosis of cervical dysplasia from HPV. In the latter years of the marriage, we were able to establish a sexual routine that worked for both of us, for the most part. In the last year of the marriage, when he was having his affair, he told me that he did not want to have sex with me and did engage in some withholding behavior.

When I was growing up, my mother had a friend who referred to the female genitalia as “suzy.” My mother was offended by this term, strongly disliked it and believed it to be crass and crude. There came a time in the marriage when my then-husband began calling my genitalia “suzy.” I asked him to stop, explaining how much that term offended my mother and that it was just uncomfortable for me. He would not stop and called it “suzy” at every bend and turn, often with a smile.

Chumptacular
Chumptacular
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

They are sexually abusive.

At not quite the midpoint of my 29 year marriage, my then-husband would approach me for sexual intercourse but would not offer any foreplay. I would oblige him although I was not sufficiently aroused. He would call me “Chillie Willie”, insinuating that I was frigid. When I asked him for foreplay, he would sometimes lose his erection. This came on the heels of the death of my father and on the eve of my diagnosis of cervical dysplasia from HPV. In the latter years of the marriage, we were able to establish a sexual routine that worked for both of us, for the most part. In the last year of the marriage, when he was having his affair, he told me that he did not want to have sex with me and did engage in some withholding behavior.

When I was growing up, my mother had a friend who referred to the female genitalia as “suzy.” My mother was offended by this term, strongly disliked it and believed it to be crass and crude. There came a time in the marriage when my then-husband began calling my genitalia “suzy.” I asked him to stop, explaining how much that term offended my mother and that it was just uncomfortable for me. He would not stop and called it “suzy” at every bend and turn, often with a smile.

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

They say the most inportant body part in sex is the brain. Her brain got dumber. Some other lady will appreciate your efforts.

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

You had me at “heteronormative.” ❤️

jadedmuse
jadedmuse
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

@Cashmere – chuckle. Glad to know I wasn’t the only one eyeballing that with appreciation.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

Beautifully written HeChump, please remember that cheater’s revisionist stories are a very pervasive attempt at gaslighting.

Preserve your memories, they are real, keep your approach to love, sex and life as they are, they are awesome! Your only mistake was to share them with the wrong person.

The lady that you’ll share them with next will be a very lucky one!

Perfectlife
Perfectlife
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

Wow! I have to say – I wish my husband had had one tenth of your insight! (Not near so insightful and very full of himself.)
You’re going to be fine! Your ex-wife is an idiot!

Give yourself a break and go find a girl who appreciates you!

StarStuffGoddess
StarStuffGoddess
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

HeChump,

That was a beautiful post.

I think many women would be happy to enjoy what you have to offer.

Your wife lost big time.

Mandie101
Mandie101
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

Oh screw her! She’s a right ass if you are what she gave up cause you are exactly what most sane women want in a lover!! You sound hot…evrn if a bit down at the moment. Please for the sake of womankind and mankind, please go unleash your sexy self on the world. Since I can’t get my hands on you let someone else have their faith renewed via you.
She tackled you on sex because you were so good. You know they hit you where they envy you most.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

This is great, Mandie, “Please for the sake of womankind and mankind, please go unleash your sexy self on the world. ”

HeChump, I hope you can receive and internalize all this feminine longing. The men chumps on here are worthy and would receive many, many requests for dates if we could set up a CN only dating site.

I agree with KD. The cheater/disordered take what is best and most glorious about their faithful chump and choose to attack it with lies in order to try to destroy you. Why? Maybe so that we might be as damaged as they are. I no longer try to untangle that skein. Just rejoice that you’re free.

RogerRabbit
RogerRabbit
6 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

Sounds good to me,it’s a great idea for us loyal people.

HeChump
HeChump
6 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

Holy cats. Thank you, everyone, for the support, perspective, and really delicious ego kibbles. Now I feel a little sheepish about trolling for validation, but you know what? Sue me. My wife was away last night on another “work trip” with her boyfriend. She moves out next week after seven months of this horror show. Some validation and appreciation is most welcome at this point. Thank you all again. This community is a life saver.

— HeChump

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

Yay good riddance!!!!!!

Mandie101
Mandie101
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

Go on with you hot bad self!

New chump
New chump
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

Um wow. Call me? Jk. But kind of not.

Nobody2U
Nobody2U
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

You will make many friends here! You sound like the guy everyone has been looking for! Don’t change a thing!

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

Guaranteed that your narcissist X will one day gleefully inform her new Mr. MagicJack that he is a no-talent and is failing to fulfill her requirements.

She is fucked up, you are a gem.

Differently Chumped
Differently Chumped
6 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

“Mr. Magic Jack”! Bwah ha ha!!! Love it.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

And she’ll probably tell him that you were a much better lover.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

Umm you married a She-bitch that knew where to cut you to incapacitate you. She clearly knew the passion and effort you put into pleasing a woman/her and that destroying that would derail you on her way out. Do not keep what you just described from another woman that deserves to have all that you have to offer. What a waste that would be!
After all the God awful things my husband said and did to me never once did I hit him below the belt. NEVER! I thought it haha but never emasculated him even though I’ve had much better than him. That says something. A guy like my husband wouldn’t even understand what you just wrote.
I agree with Doctors1stWife????a real woman would hit the lottery finding you. Thanks for over sharing HeChump i had enough coffee to enjoy your post lol. She’s the selfish cheating fool not you.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

Maybe she was just trying to make you insecure because she is selfish enough to not want to let another woman have you so she is trying to make you too scared to try. Don’t let her win. Let a more deserving woman get what you have to offer.

KD
KD
6 years ago

Agree – also abusers tend to go after/ try to tear down that which is best and most glorious about their partners: their strengths, their gifts, what makes them unique. So just invert everything she said into its complete opposite and you’ll have the truth ????❤️

StarStuffGoddess
StarStuffGoddess
6 years ago
Reply to  KD

KD,

I agree. It’s funny how GUBU devalued the very things about me that he supposedly “appreciated” at the beginning. He ultimately tried to get me completely dependent upon him, which I did end up doing financially, because I trusted him.

He tried to convince me that I was unable to survive without him, and that the talents I had when we met were “unmarketable” and a waste of time—because they didn’t bring in the big bucks. (Caring for animals and people, music, art, and dance.)

Not like HIS job.
Which he only got after many years of marriage, unemployment, crappy entry-level gigs. Somehow he forgot about THAT when he decided he was a fat cat with a fat paycheck.

Somehow at that point, all my wonderful creativity was just… stupid.

F*ck him and his corporate Kool-aid. I’ll stick with my animal-loving artist and musician friends, thankyouverymuch.

Chris1731
Chris1731
6 years ago
Reply to  KD

Love this….It’s still hard to hear the words in my head, but you’re right!

TKO
TKO
6 years ago
Reply to  KD

Exactly.

(Apparently “exactly” is too short of a comment for Wordpress to accept so I’m adding this sentence.)

Kirsten Dalley
Kirsten Dalley
6 years ago

Agree – also abusers tend to go after/ try to tear down that which is best and most glorious about their partners: their strengths, their gifts, what makes them unique. So just invert everything she said into its complete opposite and you’ll have the truth ????❤️

Gorillapoop
Gorillapoop
6 years ago
Reply to  Kirsten Dalley

This is true. Whatever they say of you, the opposite is true. whatever they accuse you of, they have done. Can you imagine how exhausting it must have been for your ex to try and mirror your authenticity, depth of emotion, and quality of connection? It’s just easier for them to be with someone who is as shallow as they are, or find a new chump victim to seduce.

lovedandlost
lovedandlost
6 years ago
Reply to  Gorillapoop

This is exactly it! Take heart he chump. Don’t make up your mind NOT to love again but don’t chase it either. I know how you feel as my narc made me feel the same way with Ilybinilwy & “I want to be your best friend” bullshit. I am 3 1/2 years out & now realize that all the strange things he accused me of, he actually did himself.
My age, 54, puts me in a position where there is very little hope of finding anyone again but you probably will. Just stay true to those morals you learned, & someone as worthy as you are will find their way to you. Meanwhile enjoy your freedom from one hypocritical narcissistic bitch!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

Wow, some woman is going to get the real deal with you!!! Cheater x never thought that deeply about someone else’s needs in his life. I am sorry she exploited your vulnerability to revise your relationship history and insult you so gravely. She is evil. Do NOT listen to her. Shallow narcs want shiny and new. They are seeking adoration over intimacy. Impractical. Unsustainable. Disordered.

Let go
Let go
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

Your ex should have kept her fucking mouth shut! If she wanted out of the marriage then get out of the marriage. Leave your hurting husband with some dignity! Sheesh, the absolute gall of your ex and the other exes discussed on this blog say everything you need to know about their integrity, or the lack of it.

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago
Reply to  Let go

what LET GO said. ^^^

For any ex to say a word about the sex life you guys had, criticizing you to justify HER cheating, is sickening and evil and trashy like Jerry Springer contestants.

Just gross. Which means SHE IS WRONG no matter what else.

Gee she sure must have been faking well all those early passionate years too. (Hmm, maybe she Missed her calling as a porn star).

TheBestMe
TheBestMe
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

So WOW. I agree with others if you can write that I am sure you are on your way to an wonderful relationship if you can allow yourself to say authentic and not bitter.

My EX also insisted that he was never attracted to me sexually. He said that my sex drive was higher than his because he just found me ugly from dating and the 20 year marriage. I got the I was too ugly to sleep with. I get feeling gut punched and wondering if you can open up enough to try it again. I know EX is one damaged man, he took the best part of me when he left, my youth and my genuine enjoyment of the intimate side of our marriage.

I guess that is what makes us mighty is that we are willing to try again after being so lied to because like you, I do not believe their narrative is true just self serving.

Capricorn
Capricorn
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

HeChump
Wow. What a post. I’m guessing that if the way you write demonstrates the way you think and if the way you think demonstrates the kind of person you are then you will be just fine going forward to a new relationship. Your ex or STBX I hope must be profoundly disordered not to realise what she has not just thrown away but has tried to destroy.
Most of the women on this site were/ are looking precisely for this kind of connection and are themselves victim to men who have treated their wholeheartedness with callous disregard.
I just wanted to say that such a thoughtful, reflective in tune male will not be short of takers but I know the emotional and almost spiritual toll these narcissistic people can take on a psyche.
More coffee is always good.

Owlbaby
Owlbaby
6 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

I completely agree with Capricorn, HeChump! It’s quite obvious that she is a shallow pool of piss, and you are a deep lagoon of integrity and authenticity Her opinion means jackshit, my friend!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

Ok, well, first of all, you are super tuned in to what’s important about sexual sharing, so you will definitely be pointed in the right direction when you find the right person(s).

And second, she’s full of shit. Whatever she says she did or didn’t find arousing was all crap that was happening inside her lying cheating head when she was trying to knock you down to pump herself up.

Your pain and fear are valid. Her ridiculous statements about you are not. I still live with very similar feelings now, many years later, even though I have personally lived a reality that proves them wrong. That’s how trauma works, and it stinks. And that’s why I spend more time in counseling than out of it (and why I select my therapists carefully.)

Her cruelty does not define you. She’s not right about you. I am sure of it.

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

HeChump,

We need to meet!

You sound like a man of honor and I bet you are great in bed, and she’s a moron. I hope in time you will come to see that you dodged a cheating wife bullet.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
6 years ago

Oh CN Chumps,
YOU are all so normal!
What in the world is the matter with your cheaters!

HeChump,
You need to write novels! Romance novels!

????

twiceachump
twiceachump
6 years ago

I’ll armwrestle you over him!!!

Dang dude. The only thing you don’t have and you didn’t list here for your fuckwit of an ex……..

….is a strange dick. Yep, you’ve bonded with someone as shallow as a puddle. You just have to fix that picker and find someone worthy of you. She is definitely not it!

Differently Chumped
Differently Chumped
6 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

I was just thinking the same thing- maybe we could all fight in a fountain `a la Bridget Jones.

LOL

Unless he is a troll. Perhaps I am cynical, but HeChump said exactly what I am longing to hear. I’ve learned to grow suspicious of that.

twiceachump
twiceachump
6 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

Really though. What was it that attracted you to her?

I’m trying to figure this crap out on my own (no therapist). I am a fairly attractive female, or so I’ve been told. I’m VERY shy. Yep I’ve got FOO issues no doubt. I keep ending up with these very outgoing guys who pursue me. I thought I was doing much better with my ex since truthfully, not to be unkind, is very homely. People didn’t understand how we were together (only really close to me would ask what the attraction was). For me it was our similar backgrounds and our very wry/witty sense of humour. He was very persistent and didn’t take no for an answer. Yep, another narc.

I didn’t know what that was until my 2nd Dday and coming here. Well okay, sure I’d heard of a narc. I just thought they were all grandiose. CL and CN Yoda’s have taught me well.

I won’t ignore those red flags again, the lack of reciprocalness of a partner. I’m not ready to date yet, I’m a year out from divorce. I have teenagers and they need a sane parent. Ex is still with his young schmoopie.

SheChump
SheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

Oh no, girls. Lay off. We are soul-mates already.

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago
Reply to  SheChump

PS why the hell is she telling you any of this? “I am told that” – SCREW THAT!

So low class and trashy, and yes, sadistic of her to say a word about that. She cheats and you’re the villain/loser?

Good grief, join a Divorce Care group (a group that does things together socially, btw) and meet normal women who will tell you the real scoop.

I’m dating a man who is not built as well as THE DOCTOR, who I admit was a health nut with results. But my lover is earnest and cares and honest to God makes me feel so beautiful my libido is higher than it has been in years.

I recall almost not being attracted to DOCTOR Man, b/c he was so clearly not impressed by the stretch marks having HIS 3 children left on me, though he never offered for me to get a tummy tuck.

Now I want one but I cannot decide if it’s ME wanting to look my best (and if not now, when?) OR if I still have my soon to be ex in my mental audience.

Get these horrid cheaters out of our heads.

ChumpionoftheWorld
ChumpionoftheWorld
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Yes, it takes two to tango for sure. Being called “boring in bed” says more about the whole relationship (obviously) and smells like self-serving and blaming narcissist BS language. I’m a dude, and my issues with maybe not lasting too long in that situation disappeared post breakup and have not been seen again. I had started to think were due to some physical ailment.

It is amazing when you are a chump and you actually start blaming yourself for stuff, then it simply goes away and makes you realize what a gaslit hell you were living in.

marriagedetective
marriagedetective
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Admittedly, X was the only sex partner I’ve ever had and he said I was a lousy lay. So maybe I am a lousy lay, but I can definitely say that he was not the great lover he made himself out to be either. Just like in our life outside the bedroom, guess who did all the work? I held the full-time, breadwinning job, I cooked, I cleaned, I sewed his clothes, I cut his hair. I even remember when we moved houses/rentals, I would end up doing the majority of packing and unpacking. He would unpack one room and believe me, it wasn’t the kitchen.

After analyzing this entire situation to death, I’ve decided that I truly do believe that I could be great in bed, with someone who was reciprocal. I was the only one who did anything about our sex life. He just sat there and complained. Pretty sure that having a reciprocal partner would take bedroom life to a totally different level.

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago

*raising hand*. Me too! Probably says I emasculated him. Well you don’t hear me crying about him affecting my femininity. Devalued, set aside for another woman twice, it’s kind of hard to admire his masculinity. If you want to be admired, do something worth admiring. OW really appciates how well his does his job at work. Sorry, I forgot my gold stars. He would question my work judgement. It’s so easy to make him seem awful yet I still cry over him.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

Spot on. Skills aren’t the point of sex if you care about the relationship. Sharing is the point. Sharing joy is what’s exciting about it. Anything else is like watching paint dry.

BetterDays
BetterDays
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Yep, I got the major sexual devalue too.

I’ve been having a lot of fun this year proving that was all his bullshit narrative.

Leave a cheater, gain an awesome sex life. 😉

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

I really hope someday I can say this too. Stbx really enjoyed rejecting me the last 2 years. One time in desperation I told him I could see the appeal to havaing an affair because it would be nice to have sex more than once a year. He told I was a bad flirt and probably couldn’t find anyone. The was 2 years ago and a turning point for me. Definitely started detaching then. Dd2 still surprised me. Dumb dumb me.

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
6 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

This! Leave a cheater, gain an awesome sex life! Agree!

kimsoverit
kimsoverit
6 years ago

/Users/kimcarolo/Desktop/WhereTheFuckIsMySexLife.jpg

kimsoverit
kimsoverit
6 years ago
Reply to  kimsoverit

Ooops, that didn’t work… I’ve got to figure out how to post a picture… arghhh

StarStuffGoddess
StarStuffGoddess
6 years ago
Reply to  kimsoverit

Same here.
All our “problems” in the bedroom were mine to own, of course! (NOT! 🙂 )
Funny thing though, prior to being him with and his chronic, porn-induced ED, my previous partners had thought I was enthusiastic and skilled.
I always enjoyed myself and from the feedback I received, they did too.

Over the years with him, with the lack of any foreplay,
(his idea of an “invitation” was saying “Why don’t you go in the bedroom and take your clothes off?” Wow! How could THAT thrilling statement not just get my crank a-turnin’?), his ED, the emotional disconnectedness, the complete objectification of my body as if I were a blow-up doll and not a person, a rigid schedule of when he wanted it and when he didn’t, the total disregard for anything I liked, but most of all, ignoring me all the rest of the time with no affection whatsoever, spending no time with me, not a hug nor a kiss, nor a kind word…all those things combined into making me someone who wanted avoid any sexual contact with him.

He had me convinced it was ME. I never really believed it, but then again, I found myself relieved when he kept his distance. I started to think maybe I was a bad wife. Turns out, my body knew what my mind refused to see: This man had other “hobbies” that were harmful to me. On some level I supposed I knew it, though not consciously.

Suffice it to say, with someone who really loves me and cares enough to share real intimacy, my new Cheater-Free sex life is awesome!

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I ended up feeling so boring in bed – and the truth us, I did end up that way. I know I wasn’t in previous relationships, however, being with a sexually withholding, sexually controlling, actually technically pretty ordinary “lover” who was (to my knowledge) fucking prostitutes within the first 6 months of our (20 year – duh!) relationship, probably didn’t help. Haven’t ventured forth into new pastures yet – but I do need to remember not to measure myself by his yardstick if/when I do.

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago
Reply to  OutOfSparkles

BTW – just to clarify, his definitely wasn’t that kind of “yardstick” either!!

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I got that feeling from him–I thought he was unhappy in bed–cue the pick me dance. My new BF calls me a passionate woman and we both know what he means????

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Lord knows Rhys wasn’t physically generous – I had thought something was wrong with me because of my lack of ” reaction” with him. Amazing how much different things are with a loving partner!

kmanning
kmanning
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Oh my goodness, yes!

No, I am not boring in bed. I’m not a parade of porn stars and their tricks either, but post-divorce, I’ve gotten some very nice feedback from my partners.

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago
Reply to  kmanning

YES!!! My current husband all right because I had been told how ugly, boring, and cold I was in bed. He couldn’t believe I was serious.

ca-chump
ca-chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

I actually got, “What is wrong with you?” in the middle of intercourse. What was wrong was that it was five in the morning and I had been sound asleep thirty seconds earlier.

junglechump
junglechump
6 years ago
Reply to  ca-chump

Hah!! “What is wrong with you” the countless times I heard that anytime ex husband was not pleased with something! Could be anything… if I peeled a potato wrong, disagreed about something… anything. Not sex though… but who knows if we would have stayed together for many more years.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  ca-chump

Yeah I had a hard time being instantly horny after being woken from a deep sleep in the middle of the night too. Proved I wasn’t really all that into him.

Fragile Rock
Fragile Rock
6 years ago

Wtf?? Do they all do this? Wake you up in the middle of the night and just go at it! My animal did this quite often.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Fragile Rock

When STBX claimed my libido was lower than his in MC I tried to explain that we just had a timing problem. We just weren’t interested at the same time. Many’s the night I was pining for him waiting for him to come to bed so I could start something, but he just wouldn’t come to bed or would be “too tired” at that time.

After I explained that he switched to “she’s too predictable”. Well I guess he was predictable too. If it was 3am, five minutes before my alarm went off in the morning or five minutes before I needed to be out the door for something, that’s when he’d be horny.

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago
Reply to  ca-chump

ca-chump,

OMG I snorted in painful laughs while I recognized the “oh so horny” 5am wake up calls…

I learned to almost sleep thru what was once a beautiful thing. I’m pretty sure schmoopie won’t have to deal with that…yet. Maybe the DOCTOR won’t mind taking the blue pills (even though he says they gave him a headache). Maybe he’ll finally take a whole one, cheapskate that he is.

What bugs me the most about ED is certainly not about a man’s age catching up with him. We have our menopausal issues, after all.

My problem is why sex stops completely – he still had working hands and a mouth…why the does the party end for all of us, just b/c one of us can’t eat the sex cake? When I was in grief after my dad passed away, I still craved the intimacy and gave it.

The DOCTOR rarely spoke about our sex life the past 5 years, though we both used to consider it a real gift we had.

But later, I chumped in bed. Couldn’t always climax just from his presence. He blamed it on the medications, I blame it on zero foreplay and a distant look from my partner.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  ca-chump

Because nothing makes sex more fun than ridicule. Sheesh!!!!! What a jerk. 🙂

Aletheia
Aletheia
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

So funny. You know the “boring in bed” is really a lack of trust and a lack of intimacy. I was damn boring in bed but I swear he brought the shark eyes and I just didn’t feel bonded – which is exactly opposite of what it is supposed to be like. I spackled that by thinking he was just not that great as a lover but there were “other things” that strangely did not include helping with anything, being responsible or parenting. Looking back, I don’t know exactly what I thought those “other things” were.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Aletheia

Indeed. I am no longer willing to have uninspired sex, and I no longer consider sex equivalent to a chore. It’s either clearly meaningful, connected, joyous, openly expressive time, or I choose to find another investment for my time.

Lothos
Lothos
6 years ago

Nice question

My X constantly tried to convince me I was not good at anything and that I needed her to succeed. She does not even have a high school diploma (I have a BS degree in computer science). She worked at hotels banquets, waitress and at retail stores while I worked as a Web Developer making about 5 times more than she does. Yet she always made me feel like I sucked! The biggest thing she tried to do is make me feel like I could never be a good parent and did her best to make sure I was never involved in parenting decisions by saying things to me about my child hood that I told her in confidence.

Fast forward, I discovered I am a really good parent. Very organized! Re-organized the entire home and I found stuff all over the place because my X was so disorganized. For example she had so many Clorox bottles all over the house that it took almost 3 years before I needed to buy more for cleaning.

With my X I never cooked and the few times I tried she would ridicule me so I stoped. Fast forward, with lots of experimentation and hot dogs as a backup I can say that I am a pretty decent cook. My daughters loves my food etc…

What I came to realize is that my X was not really telling me that I needed her to succeed. What she really was saying is that she needed me for her to succeed but could not accept that fact so to make herself feel better she had to try and push her control over me. At some point it got to her head and she took it another step further and had an affair.

One note, any relation where one person has to try and control the other is an awful relationship. Does not matter the salary difference or income difference. Be happy with yourself and what you do and live within your means. Your significant other (assuming they are normal) will appreciate that and love you just the same as equals.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

Some of the cheater accusations are downright hilarious, when you view them from the rear view mirror years out. Hannibal was a minimalist, I am not, and have my collections–of Christmas ornaments, books, thimbles, photographs, etc. The funniest accusation Hannibal dropped on me was that I was interested in “possessions at the expense of people.” Even in the hurricane eye of the mindfuck, I shook my head at that one–I’ve always been about ‘people,’ making strong connections, helping others when I can. What he really meant was he thought I preferred my collections to him. Hmmm, he may have been right.

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

Add me to the bad parent list. Know what’s funny, they now live with me full-time. Was I really a monster like portrayed? LOL! Actions speak louder than words. Kids right now aren’t even speaking to the X. Hate I had to go through hell mentally to get here. It was worth it because now the mind fuck channel is blocked from my life!

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Mine also told me I was a bad parent. If I tried to reprimand our daughter (you know actually parent) he would pull her away and say “Let’s get away from mom, she’s crazy.” He also on several occasions accused me of being an abusive parent.

Yet when he left, he left her with me. When she spends time with him, he has trouble getting her to listen to anything he says. Which he blames on me for telling her he was incapable of being a parent.

I started taking my daughter to therapy to help with the seperation transition and it turns out she is having difficulties with her because he doesn’t listen! She has complained of him only doing things with her that he wants to do and never asking her any questions about her life, likes, etc. Absolutely no complaints about me. So I guess I want’ the bad parent after all.

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

Darn typos *wasn’t

Lothos
Lothos
6 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

My daughter is going in the same direction. We are almost at the finish line as she is realizing the same thing your kids have.

Caroline Bowman
Caroline Bowman
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

what a nasty and hurtful way to be treated. And honestly, even if – say – you WERE not a smash career success or – say – your cooking wasn’t stellar, how is being mean and cruel going to help? How? She was making you feel small to inflate her own stupid, fragile ego, like middle school bullies do, but are supposed to grow out of doing.

Hideous.

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

Yes, I got the terrible parent thing from my ex too. I didn’t know how to parent, I didn’t understand the kids, yada yada yada. She used this as an excuse to move our agreed upon joint custody from 50% to my having two nights a week and alternate weekends, then to one night a week and occasional weekends, and then a default of always with her unless I arranged periodically to have time with them. Whole thing sucked for me (and wasn’t good for the kids either).

In the meantime, the kids fought more and more at her house, and eventually grew to hate each other. My two daughters to this day have nothing to do with each other – bring up one in conversation with the other and they shut it down immediately. And when they fought at her house, and she couldn’t manage it any more, she would call me to come over and settle them down. She even said to me at one point, “This dynamic of you coming in and resolving their fights at my house is unhealthy for them.” I had been through the ringer with the loss of time with them, and didn’t have the strength to call her out on that crap on the spot. In her defense, they fought at my house too, but it generally wasn’t as bad, and was worst right before drop-off, when I couldn’t enforce consequences on them.

Years later, I’m finding that I know what I’m doing when it comes to parenting, and regret the lack of my influence in their lives during their pre-teen and teen years together.

Hugs. Strength. Peace.
aeronaut

Fstl
Fstl
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

My narcissistic X tried to present herself as the sacrificing golden parent who did everything for our kids. She did a lot, but it was all for her and what she saw as “perfect” in a family she never had. The kids? She saw them as reflections of her and not real people. Now that me and the kids have our own lives together, she is utterly enraged and does anything she can to interfere (ie control) the situation whilst criticising every little thing I do (some are comical) as “controlling”. She is obsessed with being controlled whilst wanting to monitor every little thing in my life – she even kept a calendar for the first 18 months setting out what I was doing with the kids.

You’re right about the control point – oh, to have my life over again !!

indychump
indychump
6 years ago

Who I thought I was? After years of mental and verbal abuse, I thought I was the most worthless, depressed, and stupid person in town. I thought people thought I was these things. (Because that’s what he told me.)

After finally hitting bottom and knowing it was leave or LEAVE, I found my anger, and me. I’ve discovered not only am I a pretty upbeat and positive person, I’m pretty damn sharp. Moved into a new job career, got out of debt. I’m living a BS free life. Most of all – i have the respect of my children, friends, colleagues, and most importantly-ME.

I know who I am. I am awesome. I am rock solid.

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago
Reply to  indychump

Good job finding your life free of the BS!

indychump
indychump
6 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Thank you lostntx!!!

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago

I thought I was like most married older women I knew, putting up with a guy that was moody and a pain in the ass a lot of the time but who I loved and was committed to and who needed me to look after him! Ha!
Who I am now: a vibrant, happy woman enjoying my new home and this new new adventure! I can’t believe how really happy I’ve become. No more worrying about his agenda, what he wants and putting my wants aside. I’m free to do as I please! This is actually the first time I have had the luxury of just looking after me for over 50 years and it’s awesome!

Capricorn
Capricorn
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

lyndaloo

Great post.
I’m a bit different. My ex used to always say how great I was (nice guy covert narc with five years with three girlfriends) It was me who didn’t believe it. I just thought I was never good enough. I wanted to make him happy but it was like trying to push a planet sized rock. Now he is gone I have discovered I am as excellent as he said!! And no more rock pushing.
I’m stronger, happier and lighter than I have ever been. I still have trouble figuring it all out. I thought I would be rubbish on my own but it seems the opposite is true.
I think the mantra on this site should be “Trust that you don’t suck.”

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

For many more years will I be eating the shit sandwiches of sharing custody with a cheater who married his mistress, but thanks to CL and CN, I believe my best days are ahead, and I’m well on my way to Meh…

My internal messages went from “Trust that you don’t suck” all the way to “I’m a proud member of chump nation, that mighty band of courageous people who turn betrayal into mighty wisdom.”

Keep forging on fellow chumps!

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

That’s the trouble with women, we underestimate all our qualities. Yet we’re often the ones making all the decisions about food, kids, doctors, finances, home renovations, schools the list goes on and on. And usually while holding down a job outside the home. We organize and keep everyone’s schedule, remember all special occasions, even for the in laws! Do you think there would be Thanksgiving or Christmas celebrations if it wasn’t for Mums! Yet, some asshole comes along and after we given our love and loyalty for years and years, says we aren’t pretty enough, or sexy enough or whatever enough and we doubt ourselves. Meanwhile, if we take a good hard look at th ese useless assholes they are nothing but big crybabies, most never did a thing to help anyone ever, just whined about their unhappiness. We have to be brave and take a look at who we really are and know we are ENOUGH just as we are and in fact we are more then enough, we are AWESOME!! Maybe the mantra should be TRUST WE ARE AWESOME. Hugs!

chumpsrushin
chumpsrushin
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Amen! Right on comment

ZHUCHI
ZHUCHI
6 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

I have exactly this too Capricorn. My ex used to say about me “oh EVERYONE loves Zhuchi, she’s great.” But when we were alone together his behaviour indicated he did not think this at all. I think he was jealous of me in lots of ways but he was too smart to ever SAY anything to run me down (until the end and post the end), but he managed to give me the FEELING I was as worthless as shot on his shoe.

This is the hardest part for me – seeing myself as what I might actually be. I have absorbed his message very, very well and feel it will be a while before I truly meet my true self and give her a high five. There’s a lot of faking it til I make it right now.

Today I am a 42 year old. Almost one year free from my second very crappy marriage and I feel old, VERY unattractive and unsexy, out of shape and a failure.

What I DO know though is that I was always inclined to view myself that way so NOW is my opportunity to work through that and lay it to rest permanently.

I will get there. I know it.

mocham
mocham
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

I so could have written your post! I’m 10 months fromD Day, the family home just sold, I’m 58 and looking forward to what’s next! I realize I spent 36 years trying to make someone else happy- now it’s my turn!

chumpsrushin
chumpsrushin
6 years ago
Reply to  mocham

Wow! I’ll be 59 in 2 weeks , spent 32 years being awesome wife, rewarded with a 10 year affair with half his age alcoholic drug addict . Oh fathered a child they hid, she died and he wants me to help raise love child . He’s 69, I’m 10 months out and in a rental home for a month. Half the town cheers me on, other half doesn’t believe I can leave innocent child . What you gonna do but go to CN for support in middle of night. You guys are awesome and your mightiness is an inspiration, thank you

Polly
Polly
6 years ago
Reply to  chumpsrushin

You have no obligation to this child, it isn’t yours. If you want to try to go for custody you can, but you don’t have a leg to stand on. He fathered a child, he is obliged to raise it. You can move on to do something you prefer. If this child is lacking a mother, your ex can pull in OWs relatives or find a different woman to raise his kid. It’s not your problem.

SheChump
SheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Polly

No No NO – He is NOT obligated to raise it. Please, I hope somebody helps to get this helpless baby a good adoptive couple that wants her. How sad is this.

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Yes. This. Spent my whole adult life looking after him and twisting myself into a pretzel to try to fill his black hole. No more. I am 57 next Saturday and living life for myself for the first time ever. It’s a great feeling. I am at meh too!

50 Chump
50 Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

We share the same Birthday Newlady! Have a great one, I hope to do the same!

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  50 Chump

Happy birthday 50 chump!!!

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Happy Birthday in advance! It is amazing how much lighter life is without the burden of always trying to please the man child. Do you ever sit back and just listen to some “happily” married folks, it’s a real eye opener? I go to bed at night thinking “God, I’m glad I’m out of the crap”. Life is definitely what you make it. Albeit, if you have children to coparent with a nutcase, it’s Impossible to just tend your own needs. The longer I’m free from the burden of this man child the more I realize what a big favour Schmoopie did for me! Counting my blessings and then some!

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

PS at 57 you’re just a kid, I’m 72 and going strong!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Inspiration for me Lyndalo!

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Thanks Lyndaloo. I have a lot of living to do and I’m doing it. The fear of being alone is fading( even though I have a BF I know I’d be fine on my own), as is the bullshit that I’m nasty and nagging and unlovable. People do like me for me. Life is great on the other side, and thanks for the early birthday wishes!! BF is taking me to cirque de soleil!!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

I love this!
Never too old to make things right for yourself.

MyIntuitionWasRight
MyIntuitionWasRight
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Preach! Not having to deal with their agenda is priceless!

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago

How many times did I give up a movie, a dinner engagement, a family party because he didn’t care for those people. I just sucked it up and went along to get along. No more, now I do everything I want, buy what I want, go where I want,. Yes freedom from servitude is Priceless!

Thrive
Thrive
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

I have the same experience. Fuckwit didn’t like crowds and didn’t want to be around people. So I went alone to parties, dinners etc. he wanted to be alone except apparently not really. I feel myself waking up. I’m listening to music I like rather than whatever he chose. I’m doing things I like with people rather than staying in. I’m having friends for dinner or tea. Even though I am weighted down at times with sadness, I feel an awakening. I am developing a vision for my future alone and even a vision of what a great partner would be. Kind, caring, communicative, joyful, friendly, and loves me for me. It gives me pleasure to think he is alive today looking for me. Fun!

dizy4disney
dizy4disney
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Your comment: I could have written it myself! I’m still trying to find my legs and myself after the whole ordeal. But I am so much LIGHTER without him. And now I am free to do as I see fit, for myself and it’s exciting (and a bit scary). But at 55, isn’t it time for me? My son’s are so supportive and pushing me to go live my dreams. It’s take awhile, but I’m beginning to see how very lucky I am that this all happened!

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  dizy4disney

Most definitely time for you! Go live those dreams and yes we are lucky to be free of the burden of these disordered morons!
Best of luck to you!

Fstl
Fstl
6 years ago

Well I am still not quite a field Marshall!

Mine gave me all sorts of mindfucks before and after DDay – I couldn’t do DIY, me helping other people “paralysed us” (wtf!!), we were disconnected (which explained to her why it took so long for me to notice she was in a long term affair – her lying even when I asked her, nope, that had nothing to do with it….), we never had sex (BS), I was selfish, I was cheating, I (basically insert whatever she was projecting on to me)….

After the DDay I gave her (divorce day), all the projecting has continued but now I don’t give a fuck and just ignore it, unless it is relevant to court in which case the lawyer deals with it. Over time she has just shown herself to be a ranting head case.

Now I do my DíY when I want, help other people when I want, have loads of sex with a kind girl who doesn’t do mind fuck games….

But what am I now? I am me…. Not the caretaker of a narc who bent to their crazy making mind fucks. It’s a such a great feeling and for those struggling with NC – that is the reward that awaits you.

GettingOverIt
GettingOverIt
6 years ago
Reply to  Fstl

“I am me.”

And you are enough. We all are enough, just as we are.

My x always made me feel incompetent and small. Sadly, I bought into that, despite many years of successfully taking care of myself before encountering his sorry ass. Now I’m just about back to my old self.

I also got the boring in bed thing. Waiting patiently for a special man to come along so I can prove to myself that was BS.

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
6 years ago

Who I thought I was:

An unlovable, incapable, depressed wreck, hanging onto a toxic marriage for dear life while the life was literally sucked out of me. I thought I had no chance or choice for a better life then living with my serial cheating and verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abusive X.

Who I am:

I am a very happy, healthy fun loving fabulous 50 something women who is thankful each and every day to have her life back. I play in bands, write, hang out with girl friends (fun single women seemed to come out of the woodwork once I left him). I stopped loathing myself. I stopped being lonely after I gave up trying to convince someone that clearly didn’t love me to please love me. There are lots of things I am capable of doing, maybe not in someone else’s way, but I give myself room to mess up, cry, throw a fit and then I hug myself and move on. Life is not so hard when you spend your time in love, hope, gratitude and joy!

Dee
Dee
6 years ago

During wreckonciliation, I peeked at ex’s journal. He wrote that I was mean and yelled so much that he and my kids were fearful of me. WTF? Of all things, I am definitely not a mean yeller. When I moved out two of my three kids chose to live with me full time, and the other happily spends his time between the two of us. So ex changed his story. Suddenly I was too laid back and let our teens walk over me, and that’s why the kids preferred me. So…. which is it, asshole? Hmmm. Or…. could it be that I am actually an sane and engaged mother who loves to laugh, cares deeply for her kids, and puts their needs first?!?

Fstl
Fstl
6 years ago
Reply to  Dee

I saw messages of my cheating exW (and also a cheating exGF I saw for a little while after the cheating exW) to her friends about me. Seeing what they wrote about me was a pivotal moment – once denial died (denial being a powerful emotion, as strong as hopium) you really got to see in the head of a crazy person and not the lies they were telling you to keep their cake options. How they tried to justify their shitty behaviour to their friends. It was like reading about a different person and Made me realise you can’t relate to a crazy person.

HoorayChumps
HoorayChumps
6 years ago

I thought I was mentally ill to the extreme. He even had me committed. He told me I was psycho, delusional. Turns out, gaslighting does what they say it does. It erodes your sanity and your self-esteem. Many of my friends could not understand what was happening to me. I also was having crippling stomach pains of unknown origin.

He left, I stopped dancing. It only took me a week to start becoming myself again. It’s been 6 months now and I am a happy, healthy, social creature again. My life did a 180 in a matter of months. I thought I was a miserable person, turns out I was being psychologically tortured.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  HoorayChumps

Hooray–How awful you had to live through that experience. Very relieved that you are out.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  HoorayChumps

I am so sorry your X-asshole put you through that. What a horrible POS! There are no words for that kind of inhumanity.

Kudos, though, on finding yourself after all of that. You have magnificent resilience!

AlohaFreedom
AlohaFreedom
6 years ago

He said I wasn’t a good enough mother and that is why our baby died (a miscarriage).

The truth is that I am the best parent I can be. I am raising my 3 kids (4, 3 and 2) on my own. I just vacuumed before breakfast and will get 3 kids their vitamins, fed, dressed and out the door to the library then the grocery store. I will manage 3 kids in the store, then come home to carry in groceries, put them away, cook meals, play outside with the kids, read books with them, tuck them into bed. Where is he right now?! And I will do laundry, wash the dishes, sweep the floors again, take out the trash cans recycling. Wipe the counters, kiss boo boos and break up inevitable sibling fights in the afternoon…

He has one supervised visit per week (that my oldest has mentioned a few times he sleeps through).

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago
Reply to  AlohaFreedom

you are AWESOME!

kb
kb
6 years ago
Reply to  AlohaFreedom

AlohaFreedom–That first sentence would be grounds for a divorce at that moment.

How mean! Miscarriages happen. They just do. To blame the mother in any way, shape or form–that is beyond thoughtless. It is deliberate cruelty!

I am so glad that you are free of that toxic, vicious snake masquerading as a human being.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  AlohaFreedom

This brought tears to my eyes. The viciousness in his statement is absolutely heart-breaking.

Sending a virtual hug to you and your kids.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  AlohaFreedom

I cannot believe someone would even say those words to you. I am so sorry. And, of course, you are a great mom!

Trying for Mighty
Trying for Mighty
6 years ago
Reply to  AlohaFreedom

I caught my breath when I read your first sentence and it took several seconds to release it. I am so sorry for the pain that cruel accusation caused you. What a monster.

GettingOverIt
GettingOverIt
6 years ago
Reply to  AlohaFreedom

I can’t imagine anyone saying something so cruel to you, let alone the man you were sharing your life with. I’m so sorry.

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  AlohaFreedom

You sounds like a great mom! What a jerk your ex was. My stbx said he got involved with OW the first time when our kid was 6 months old after he saw me struggle with breast feeding. It was a sign of how unloving I was and a bad mother. That doesn’t even make sense!

NoMoreLies
NoMoreLies
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

When I asked my ex for a glass of water while breastfeeding our infant, he said, “what are you complaining about? Women in Africa have their babies in the fields and get right back to work”. I wasn’t complaining…just a glass of water.After that I learned not to ask him for anything since he couldn’t even meet a simple request. Years later I found out he was seeing some woman 2 hours away during that time and was supposedly taking work trips instead of ‘helping’ with our 3-year old.

Devastated
Devastated
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

Aloha, Sage

Fuckers! There are no words for this cruelty. They are just like my x monster- PSYCHOPATH(S)!!!!! I am so sorry Aloha.

My demon was jealous of the breastfeeding. “He’s always on your tit! Stop breastfeeding. That’s why I bought you the pump. We are stopping and feeding him REAL food”!!!!
He would stare at me, 2 inches from my boys face as I nursed. It sickened me. All that nursing while I was in utter fear and brainwashing torture. I still put my baby first. He’s number one.

Ya I was a “bad mother” while he terrorized us the first week after he was born. He grabbed my baby and stormed around the house screaming and torturing us. I was terrified he would kill my baby. There was so much fear. I can’t write it.

He said I’d “crumble and was weak” when
we were wreckonciling.
Ha. What I did!
Lured him back home to confront the lies. Secretly Videotaped! His violence.
Got him arrested 2times in 2 months. Ankle monitor! Yay
Then weak lil me packed up our townhouse with my 6 month old. By my fucking self thank you. Arranged for storage. Moved twice, alone. Drove across country with 18 year old kitty and baby. Alone. Drove back and forth alone 3 times. Took photos of our shit. Told off abusive landlord. Told off DSS. Protected my child from the lies his incestuous sister spread about me.

Found a new home in a different state. Alone again. I did all this without the help of a support system. I have always been alone.

He said I couldn’t support myself. In 2 months I have 7!!! Patients for my home practice. They love and appreciate my natural medicine. They pay for my advice. I’m supporting us without his fucking money. Since he isn’t just a pathological lying, serial cheating, violent, psychopath – he’s also a deadbeat dad. Well I don’t want his filthy money. He can shove it up his cheap ass, amongst other things.

I realized I am awesome. He’s a low life. I have double his IQ. I am moral, kind, unique, loving, generous, a wonderful healer, and a DAMN GOOD MOTHER.
I thought I was broken, frail, and not worth living. After his abuse, and other cruel narcissists’ abuse, I pondered giving up my baby for adoption. I was suicidal for months.

Now I am struggling, yet living. I am FIGHTING back now. I will endure. He is dust in the wind. I exorcised that demon from our lives.

Perfectlife
Perfectlife
6 years ago
Reply to  Devastated

Thank you for sharing your story! I needed this testimony that we can overcome even the most horrible abuse and mental torture from the cluster Bs. I discovered something “new” and sick today about my STBX. It set me back and hard. I also have to go to our first hearing next week and I have not been in the same room with him since he left. He has only just discovered recently that I actually know about his hidden creepy life. Your story gives me strength. I can handle this. I can be strong and I am a good person. He is the crazy person and he is NOT a good person at all! I am. I no longer believe his bullshit. I deserve better. I have this message taped on my bathroom mirror – Know Your WORTH.

Devastated
Devastated
6 years ago
Reply to  Perfectlife

Dear Perfectlife

Thank you. It was a very hard road. It was nothing short of a living hell. It was my biggest test.
I’m not sure what you are going to court for. But I must warn you, be prepared.
I tried to get a restraining order on the demon and it blew up in my face! I showed video evidence of the violence. He attacked me with my baby in my arms! He was so scared and crying with his arms up to protect himself. ????
The judge did not care. All he focused on was my language. He said I “provoked him”!!! When what i really did was CONFRONT him about his deviant sexual tastes and sick porn. Apparently, I’m not supposed to talk back to a man, Or tell the truth, Or be pissed that he says disturbing things about my child!!! That’s provoking.
I’m telling you this to warn you.
Judges are often narcissists or psychopaths. They love siding with the abusers. I didn’t look good, what with my crying and shaking. I guess they think that’s unstable – to have feelings and express them after being brainwashed and tortured.
Please be careful in front of the judge. Show NO EMOTION whatsoever. If the ex tries to bait you, don’t reply. Be indifferent. Stick to facts. Don’t mention feelings, thoughts, or despicable behavior.
I’m praying for you.

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago
Reply to  Devastated

devastated,

glad you’re free now! But I hope you’ll reconsider letting your ex asshole get away without contributing money to your son. It will come in handy & is totally separate from any custody issues. (Men still try to use it to strong arm their exwives into surrendering their rights kid’s to support, just to be left alone.)

Keep at it & live well. You are mighty!

Devastated
Devastated
6 years ago

Dear Doctor’s Wife

I grapple with the child support. I do need it. The reason I don’t poke the bear is because I’m terrified he will attempt custody or visitation. Apparently, being a violent woman beater does not imply you will hurt children?!?!WTF
I was warned he would get partial custody. Even though he’s been arrested 4! Times for assaulting me. I’m scared to death of that.
He’s truly a sick pos. He said numerous times that my baby “has a sexy penis”!!!!! DSS and counselors didnt seem shocked or bothered by it. He’s demented and getting away with it.
So, I’m in hiding from him and his evil family. I believe they’re all incestuous. They want my baby.
As a side note, I attempted to get a restraining order on him, to no avail. The judge took his side. It was a nightmare. Now I will never trust the courts again.
Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate them. I’m still scared, still extremely traumatized, but I will keep on for my baby. He needs to be protected.

Sagefemme
Sagefemme
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

And StarryEye, that is the ugliest thing to say to someone. I’m so sorry you had to hear that from someone you loved, that you even had to consider that craziness. I know how the echoes of that kind of cruelty stay with you. Thank you for trying to breastfeed your baby. Thank you for loving your little one so well, when you also needed love.

Sagefemme
Sagefemme
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

Yes pregnancy and postpartum were when mine had affairs too, complaining that I smelled like breast milk but also complaining if I asked him to watch the baby or kids while I took a shower. Normal people don’t do that. I’m so glad that you can see your worth AlohaFreedom and you are free of that lazy terrible shit.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  StaryEye

These are both beyond cruel. During pregnancy and with a newborn are some of the most vulnerable times in a woman’s life. It should not be hard to “trust they suck”.

Chumpalumper
Chumpalumper
6 years ago

I got ze olde 100% blame shift / gaslight bullshit. I swallowed it all, 100% … hysterical bonding here we cum!

I have a large collection of SomeEEcards that I’ve assembled in a folder on my computer, all culled from CL. It makes a nice “flip card” collection to review whenever I think I may have made the wrong decision. Like those stick figure animations we made on notepads as kids, a quick flip through my CL SomeEEcards puts it all in crisp perspective.

Soaring
Soaring
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpalumper

Yep, I’ve got a Pinterest board full of them! They’re perfect.

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
6 years ago

CL!!! You’re my hero! That was awesome!!!

The only complaint that I got was I put him on the back burner. He felt he was not getting enough attention. He wanted to travel.

I was running a 40 acre horse farm, working a part time job turned business, doing all the household chores and looking after my severely disabled child. So sorry you were on the back burner, cheater. Whatever.

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
6 years ago

I thought I was a kind person, a good mother, a supportive wife. I thought I was an independent woman who could handle what life threw at me. And I was right. I’m all those things. I had just hitched my wagon to someone who didn’t recognize or appreciate my qualities.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

newdaydawning,
Thank you. You just gave me a light bulb moment. I have struggled for so long with the thought that I had always seen myself as a strong, independent, and capable woman. How did I let this happen? You just reminded me that I, too, am all those things. Even though I struggle to do get everything done, what I have accomplished and how I have managed to take care of my 3 kids (one of whom was born after he left), 3 pets, and a house could only be accomplished by someone who is exactly the things I thought I was.

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Same. I thought I was a strong, independent woman who would never allow herself to be abused. I thought, well, he’s not hitting me or calling me names, so he’s not abusing me. How wrong I was.

Now I feel mightier than ever! I’ve reclaimed ME.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Keepin Calm

Yes, the word needs to get out, just because he doesn’t hit you is not a reason to think there is not abuse.

I was sure I was crazy because well, he didn’t hit me.

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

I agree. We all need to educate others on abuse, especially the emotional kind. I just feel stupid for allowing myself to stay for so long and for not RECOGNIZING that it was abuse.

onwards
onwards
6 years ago
Reply to  Keepin Calm

Same. I thought thought it was a busy life loyally ‘for better for worse’ living with someone who was stressed and grouchy. I thought my role to keep things smooth at home and to lighten the load for everyone else and that he made bad choices to yell, sulk and stonewall efforts to connect and communicate but that as things got better (in his work, kids needs etc) so would he…

Really I was being controlled by anger, gaslighting, disrespect, emotional and psychological abuse. He was making these and other choices. It sure hurt to find out about the cheating choices and to let go of my dreams that things would improve and we had a secure future.

Now after ‘leaving a cheater’ I am ‘gaining a life’ that has time for great conversations with my ‘kids’, and friends, laughter and kindness. It is peaceful and pleasant by comparison. There are details still being sorted out but these will happen eventually. Meanwhile I am feeling healthier, happier and looking forward to a better future.

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  onwards

Good for you, onward!!! I am feeling SO much better now that my douchebag narc ex is gone!

Soaring
Soaring
6 years ago
Reply to  onwards

Oh, onwards, how I relate to your post. I’m only 9 months out but I sense that MEH is well within my grasp when I think about all of his negativity that I’m leaving behind. I get a shiver down my spine at the thought of going back to that life under his angry, dark, the-world-is-out-to-get-me cloud. I honestly don’t know how or why I let it go on so long, but at least part of it was that my hopeful and positive nature made me always believe that he could improve, be happier. It was never going to get better, and he’s so good at hiding it in the beginning that I’m sure OW has time to get fully reeled in before she starts to realize who this man really is. I ALMOST – I said almost! – feel sorry for her.

Me? I feel happier every day.

onwards
onwards
6 years ago
Reply to  Soaring

Soaring exactly! Hope slowed me down too. That is a great image of being happier every day and soaring. Fly well.

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

This challenge may be better stated as: “Who THEY Thought You Were, Who You Really Are”

Aside from the obvious (she thought I’d do what I’d always done — listen patiently, defer to her feelings and do everything possible to keep things quiet), but in the spirit of what CL lays out as an example:

Kunty Kibbler suddenly and without warning starting accusing me of never having dealt properly with “issues I brought into the marriage.” She never identified them (of course; keeping it as a general statement encourages the chump tendency to continually reflect and self-examine) but insisted that she was “tired of doing all the work” (going through therapy), and that now it was up to me to “get the needed help” so that I could better accept her need to fuck others.

What I momentarily lost sight of, but fairly quickly regained, was my own sense of always having been the stable one in the relationship: the one with an innate sense of self, a high degree of inner peace, and an ability to take life as it came and make the ebst of things with a positive attitude. I did not spend 20 years constantly finding reasons why life wasn’t satisfying — that was her.

kmanning
kmanning
6 years ago

Who I thought I was: after the years of gas lighting, I didn’t know who I was. I felt depressed, trapped, friendless, incompetent.

Who I really am: I don’t know if I know yet. I am still discovering different aspects of myself, two years (Sept 2 2015 divorce) down the road. I work hard and have gotten a FT job after years of being a SAHM, I love going out with my friends (I have reconnected with friends from school, and made some new ones, too), and I am free to make decisions for myself (some good, some bad).

Sometimes I get down, but that’s just part of life. But I am free to face my feelings and choose how to cope with “the mean reds” as well as savor the moments of pure, unadulterated joy.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  kmanning

Ditto on the who I thought I was. Amazingly accurate description kmanning.

High five on finding out who you really are.
I was so unsure of who I was I started making a list to traits I desired in others and worked, and am still working, to become those things. I have the best fun ever with my son now that we don’t have Narkles the Clown always putting down our plans for fun or screaming that he’s tired from travel and can’t we just stay home so he can rest. Because clearly we could not go do things without him as to him we were just extensions of him. I also reconnected with old friends and got a new job that I totally rock! Getting a promotion within the year if all goes well and holding my own financially with a five year plan to move to a smaller house with no mortgage insight so I can save enough money to retire someday. I make friends easily with good people and I throw back any disordered folks who find themselves on my boat. Learned I am capable of being loved like an adult and have the ability to do the same.

Current Chump
Current Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  kmanning

THIS-
Who I thought I was: after the years of gas lighting, I DIDN’T KNOW WHO I WAS. I felt depressed, trapped, friendless, incompetent. Add in the old, stupid, fat, and ugly that no other man would want onto that as well.

Who I really am: A smart, funny, dedicated, kick-ass single mom. And as it turns out, pretty and VERY passionate now that I have am amazing Mr. Nice Guy in my life. I also got a promotion at my job after the ex had passed away a few months ago. I have been busy becoming me again & I love it!

kmanning
kmanning
6 years ago
Reply to  Current Chump

Congrats on getting a beautiful life after ditching your cheater @CurrentChump-you deserve it!

Current Chump
Current Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  kmanning

Thanks KM-
It was a long, hard road but so worth it in the end.

DunChumpin
DunChumpin
6 years ago
Reply to  Current Chump

Everything they say is a lie. Often some shmoopie fed lie. I got (alternatively)
It’s only natural that you lost sexual desire after you saw me give birth to the kids. (Huh?)
You only have sexual desire for me no love. (Huh?)

It’s a lie. Everything they say or do is a lie. Everything.

JC
JC
6 years ago

Who I thought I was:
I thought I was weaselly and weak when I stooped to snooping to find out what my wife was doing. I beat myself up, firmly believing I had wholly lost my integrity and was a shameful disgrace of a man…who of course was not attractive or desirable to his wife, given these traits. Any strong individual would have simply stood up for himself, left his wife, and not even bothered with those couple of months of snooping to try to “monitor’ what she was doing. I was pathetic.

Who I really was:
A man who couldn’t believe how quickly his wife appeared to “change” before his eyes, caught in a situation for which none of us are prepared. My snooping was a misguided, temporary, futile attempt to come up with a way salvage my marriage in the face of my wife’s unrelenting lies. But if a 400-page novel were written about the end of my marriage, my snooping would occupy 5 pages. It doesn’t define me as a person, and it’s not the reason my marriage ended. I had a couple of months of weakness, which I recognized and corrected. Two months before I left her for good, I stopped snooping and *apologized* to my wife…while she was still cheating on me! That’s not weakness. That’s taking personal responsibility for my flaws and poor judgment, regardless of the situation, and regardless of the abuse I was enduring. That’s character. That actually IS integrity. Damn fucking right!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

He actually had me feeling guilty about telling my Dad he was having an affair when I was feeling devastated and needed to talk to someone I knew loved me. Yes, what a horrible person I was for that. STBX couldnt’ take the possible tarnish to his reputation.

Devastated
Devastated
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

JC

Hey! There isn’t anything wrong with snooping. You deserved the truth and that’s how you had to go about getting it! I too, felt bad about it. But that’s just because we are conscientious folks who respect others. These freaks didn’t deserve our respect. Snoop away! It’s actually a red flag: being a detective. Our intuition knows when something’s up. No need to apologize. They had it coming. If I didn’t snoop I wouldn’t know my demon ex had herpes! I wouldn’t know he had teen porn. Ugh. There’s more. Bottom line, snooping is our right. It’s protection. There shouldn’t be anything to find …

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

JC, please don’t beat yourself up for becoming a detective to find out what you damn well had a right to know. There’s a huge difference between respecting privacy and revealing deception. Woody was furious at me for “violating his privacy”–but I never would have looked at his devices if I hadn’t quite by chance discovered that he was using them to lead a secret life of betrayal and lies. Cheaters aren’t entitled to have their boundaries respected when they are so flagrantly violating yours.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

“There’s a huge difference between respecting privacy and revealing deception. ”

So agree with this!

The part that I find among the most difficult part of my post-betrayal life is the notion of “trust but verify.”

I want to live in a world where people can trust each other. That is an ideal that now I have evidence to establish is not possible to reach… I used to give my trust, now I make sure people earn it before I invest more time in a relationship.

and she was
and she was
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

I agree. JC you’re not morally lacking in anyway for trying to find out what’s really going on when your spouse is deceiving you. It’s completely normal to seek safety and there’s a lot of danger to your psyche in learning that foundational “truths” about your spouse and your marriage are no longer true. And I agree they lose their right to privacy when they’ve been violating their vows and violating your completely valid expectations of honesty. Also, there’s a whole thread of shaming around “snooping” or “pain shopping” in RIC and in 12 step. I fell into that trap- stay in your lane, don’t snoop, more will be revealed… that’s all blameshifting BS in my opinion that keeps the partner vulnerable to more hurt and loss and maintains the power imbalance that secrecy and deceit creates in favor of the abuser. If my spouse does something that is impacting me, putting me in harms way, I damn well have a right to investigate what the hell is going on. And my character is fully intact. No shame in it.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

Yes! Me too. I felt enormous guilt over being the marriage police. Not who I am. Apologized. Desperate attempt to save the marriage. Exactly my feelings, too.

Just Be
Just Be
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

You’re post is an exact match to what I went through. I agree, we will not be defined by this. Stay strong!

Just Be
Just Be
6 years ago

Let’s see. I could not fold the bath towels correctly or use the correct coffee cup. My divorce was finalized last week and I can use whatever coffee cup I want. The silly little things are what I think about now instead of the devastation of Dday. Close that chapter and move on to the next. Funny how many people are telling me how nice it is to see me happy. Now I’m going to finish my coffee.

geekmom
geekmom
6 years ago
Reply to  Just Be

I could never serve him food with the “correct” spoon. Different foods required different sized spoons, to the point we had spoons from different patterns which were sized differently from our everyday set. Certain foods required the use of long-handled iced tea spoon. I never groked the code.

chumpsrushin
chumpsrushin
6 years ago
Reply to  geekmom

Oh my gosh, same thing, I got chastised so many times over 32 years because I couldn’t figure out the right size of spoon!! You can’t make this shit up !

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Just Be

I couldn’t break pasta correctly. I broke spaghetti in thirds (to better fit in the pan), and I should have broken it in half. Three years from D-day, this marital memory has given me hours of amusement because of its absurdity.

hollowbunny
hollowbunny
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Thirds?!? That doesn’t seem feasible to me. Granted, I shove it all down under the water, unbroken. And I’m an excellent cook btw, who thoroughly enjoys being in the kitchen every day.

Amazing what gets tolerated, what becomes normal. What makes me choke up is reading about being bad in bed, not sexy, not desirable, cold etc. I became all that. It seems what was fabulous about our sex life was that he was in it. I wasn’t reacting to his fabulousless enthusiastically enough.

Rebecca
Rebecca
6 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

Ugh, what a collosal jerk!!!
I bet you are thrilled to be rid of his “fabulous”, he deserves to have sex alone.
I remember reading in my mom’s old magazines about how “frigid” women were…that was just a label that reflected badly an the accuser, NOT the woman.
Flush that “cold” label and the rest of the lies right down the toilet, narcs are full of revisionist history and lack of sincere effort to form a loving, mutually happy relationship.
Tender hearts are wasted on cheaters, I hope you get all the love you can hold in your future!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I could not cut broccoli correctly. I get the best laugh out of that now.

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago

By the time reconciliation rolled around I thought I was a nagging bitch who had let herself go, was inadequate in bed and incompetent at my job. He had me convinced too, that everyone, not just him thought this. “Do you ever wonder why you don’t have friends anymore? Because you never stop bitching and complaining.” “Your so anal-compulsive. No one can do or have anything around you because it messes up your perfect little world!”

Turns out that the friends who came softly back after the divorce hated him; and, keeping a decently clean house is considered pretty normal in the world. It turns out what I was was an organized mom and teacher. That other people perceived me as patient and kind. And now that’s how I think of myself too. Nobody has yelled at me in years and I literally do not remember the last time I raised my voice to another human being.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Omg! This!
“Nobody has yelled at me in years and I literally do not remember the last time I raised my voice to another human being.”

chumpsrushin
chumpsrushin
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Yup, ditto I’m a patient and kind teacher but not so much to hubby who found me messy and boring .

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

YES!! Mine often told me that I had no friends, my family liked him better than me, etc. After he left, I had no problem finding friends to go out with. In 6 months, I’ve made more friends and had more good times than I had in the previous 7 years of marriage.

Thankful
Thankful
6 years ago

I thought I was a miserable bitch that was solely responsible for all that went wrong in our lives.

I was so broken in the months leading up to D’day that I was ready to leave him and my children because I believed they would be better off without me, he never showed anger or any real emotion except distain, I was all over the shop so it had to be my fault. He so messed with my head that at times I was even grateful that he had been willing to stay with me with all my faults. On day I even said to him I am supprised you have not left me to which he answered to my face “I was going to but thought better of it” cake eater.

He was canstantly rude and judgemental and if I ever said anything or expressed that he had hurt my feeling he would state he had not intended to do so, it was just how I had taken it, implying that the offence was due to unresolved issues from my past (foo issues) he constantly remined me of my poor upbringing in comparrison to his superior one. His physical withdrawal from me was excused by implying that I had to be struggling emotionationlly some how to question his fidelity being a solid christian an all, or that he was tired and stressed from his constantly changing work situation.

D’day – a decade long porn addiction, an affair with a man, multiple hook ups with men for oral sex, not to mention the years of lies and deciet and mindfucking behaviour

Post D’day, I am calm, happy focused and in almost 4 years since D’day have attained two diplomas, am three months off finishing my degree, have sold and moved house twice, have supported my daughter through cancer journey (she is doing really well), have supported emotionaly and financially my eldest through his final year of high school and into a trade, even taught him to drive a manual car and we have found a spiritul home that has brought us all healing.
I have even returned to my creative self and joined the church drama team.

Ex is still in the church that chose him over us and now sits in the same seats as we did with my stepford replacment.

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Thankful, I could have written this paragraph myself:
“I was so broken in the months leading up to D’day that I was ready to leave him and my children because I believed they would be better off without me, he never showed anger or any real emotion except distain, I was all over the shop so it had to be my fault. He so messed with my head that at times I was even grateful that he had been willing to stay with me with all my faults.”

Even now, my STBX’s only emotion is disdain. I started to buy into the fact that I was crazy. After he left, I began talking to married friends and it turns our my emotions were normal. I now make a point to let my daughter know ALL emotions are normal.

Thankful
Thankful
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

I had the same experience, all the things he said was a failure on my part, was just normal marriage stuff it wasn’t until this began to sink in that I began to realise I was being abused.

His displeasure included shared responsibility to, pick the kids up from school, drop them off, cook meals, doing the washing, the shopping, taking kids to their sports, we both worked. He actually listed his having to do these things as a sign that I was a neglectful mother and wife. All in order to get custody of our children following separation. He totally ignored the fact that it was stated in docs to the court he had cheated, exposed our eldest repeatedlady to homosexual porn, and was hiding behind church elders as a way of dealing with it instead of seeking porfessional help. Oh and him hooking another victim and having her come with him to court both of them power dressed to match was a nice touch….DOuch

Thankful
Thankful
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

and also

he is now remarried and willingly picks up and drops off the step kids to and from where ever. The new wife is even willing to allow him to unchaperoned take her 13yr old son and his male friends to places, alone. What the fuck is wrong with people.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
6 years ago

I thought I was stuck. I thought I was obligated to sustain a marriage and partner no matter how horrible things were because to do otherwise would be shameful, bad for the kids, and an admission of failure.

I am not stuck now. I work hard at things that are good for me and the kids. I am healthy, energetic, engaged in opportunities, and looking forward to what I will do with my next stage in life (empty nest in a few years).

The littlest things used to be such huge productions (taking the kids to the park, for example) because the EX did not want to go, did not want to look bad by not going, did not want to come up with his own idea, did not want to waste so much time, etc. A whole weekend or three could come and go and we’d not be able to manage a simple family venture.

Yesterday after I got home from work, one child and I loaded up our recreational equipment into the car that really is not big enough for it, zipped to the park, set up our gear, spent an hour enjoying ourselves with a physical activity neither of us ever even tried before the divorce, packed it all back up, and came home to make dinner together. And it was no big deal–just fun.

Learning this took a while. The first year or two after our split, I mostly learned that the limited number of things he did in the home were not big jobs. Mowing the lawn took an hour, not all Sunday. Changing the water filter is a 10 minute job, not one that should keep a person busy 3 hours. Once I figured out that his contributions–ones he used to complain about incessantly as so time consuming and tricky–were things I could manage on my own while simultaneously doing the week’s laundry, I started learning how to relax and make time for “living” again.

I am proud of some of the bigger accomplishments I’ve achieved post-divorce, but the real joys are in the day-to-day demonstrations of my competence and good humor. I am not stuck–I’m in charge of my choices.

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

I also thought I was stuck. I saw signs before the marriage and chose to ignore them. I chose this, so I guess this is what I get. His infidelity and leaving me during cancer was the best thing to happen to me. I probably never would have left if not for it, plus it adds an extra layer of guilt for the divorce settlement.

FreeNow
FreeNow
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

Cancer Chump, our story is almost identical.

Cancer gave me the clue-by-four hit needed to kick his gaslightighting, blame shifting, lying, cheating ass out.

The only difference is my X felt no guilt moving in with prostitute AP (now pregnant girlfriend) or fighting me contentiously in divorce while I was fighting cancer.

On DD (21 months ago now), he looked at me with his souless snake eyes and said he was at peace with his choices and he would make sure I got nothing.

A great attorney, an outstanding mediator, solid case law ensured and provided otherwise.

Like my sister said, “They are like snakes whose head has been cut off. They keep hissing for awhile but eventually they die”.

Who I thought I was? An exhausted and sick wife, who loved her husband. I was trying to keep him happy and trying to survive his dark moods, pointing out my flaws and how things needed to change “or else” manipulating (unaware of his returned with a vengeance porn, prostitute addiction and hidden financial abuse). I was so beaten down. He knew exactly what he was doing and preyed on me like a wolf hunts sheep. I truly believe he hoped I’d die.

Who I am now? Mighty and rising. I feel my inner beauty and light shining again. I am a person who knows their worth, trusts their gut and will never allow another person to make me sick again. 34 years of dark clouds, walking on eggshells and knots in my stomach. Nothing but sunshine and blue skies are in my extended forecast. ☀️

In my darkest days after DD and cancer diagnosis, I repeated “Trust that they suck” and “Know Your Worth” as my mantras.

I still do.

ca-chump
ca-chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Mine turned any outing into an ordeal as well. I’d try to get us together to go on a family bike ride. With him I had to plan an itinerary with times and a map, get the bikes out, fix whatever was wrong with the bikes, find his biking clothes, make sure we had snacks, and all of this while he judged every little step as wrong and too slow.

Now if it’s a beautiful weekend I just say kids, let’s go for a ride. We go to the garage, get on the bikes and go. I take a little money in case we want to make an unplanned stop for a treat. It is glorious.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Yes!! I thought I was stuck, too. The infidelity was both the worst thing to happen to me, and the best because it may have been the only way I had a “final straw” to leave the marriage.

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, this is me exactly. I would STILL be with him if this hadn’t happened. My health would be worse, my self-esteem further shot, and who knows what else…

His cheating was my way out. It was a HORRIBLE way out, but it was also a finality for me. Cheating was my red line. I refuse to be with a man who cheated on me.

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

“I thought I was stuck. I thought I was obligated to sustain a marriage and partner no matter how horrible things were because to do otherwise would be shameful, bad for the kids, and an admission of failure.”

^^^^THIS. Totally and completely.

Ex and I had actually divorced in 2009, then remarried a year later because I thought he’d changed. Yeah, I was a HUGE chump.

So when things started to unravel, I was determined to make it work. I refused to entertain the thought of leaving again because I had made the choice to marry him again (and a lot of people were against us getting back together) and I felt like I had made my bed and needed to lay in it, y’know?

In one way, I’m thankful he did this because it freed me from the cage. I no longer have to suffer for the rest of my life with him just because I felt stuck.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago

He said I wasn’t SPONTANEOUS. I planned too much.

He’s right, though. And, maybe that is why I own my own home while he’s getting ready to move into the new schmoopie’s house. And, maybe that is why I take a travel vacation someplace cool with my kids every year. And, maybe that is why I had a pre-nup that was upheld in court. And, maybe that is why I have a blossoming 401K.

He wasn’t wrong about who I was. He was wrong not to value it.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago

Applause!
Who you are s pretty awesome!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago

Love this! It is mighty to recognize your best qualities!

paula
paula
6 years ago

I was a fearful sedentary homebody that never wanted to do anything fun. I was adventure adverse. My fretful and rule-following nature was not only a buzz kill but also a burden he had to shoulder. Sure I worked a demanding job, kept an incredibly tidy house and was responsible for schlepping the kids to every activity and appointment but dammit – I was no fun. Really, he had no choice but to have a five year affair with a co-worker.

Well, I really had no choice but to divorce his cheating ass and guess what I discovered? I’m the motherfucking definition of fun!!! Since my divorce I have hiked hundreds and hundreds of miles (including in Italy) and have kayaked countless rivers and streams. It is amazing how fearless I am, how resourceful and what a student of the natural world I have become. The catalog of wildlife and flora I have encountered feels like a badge. At 56 I have come to the realization that I am truly, to my core, an outdoors woman.

So, right this very minute, my house could sure use a good cleaning but it is autumn in the mountains of Georgia where I live and I hear my favorite trail calling.

Capricorn
Capricorn
6 years ago
Reply to  paula

Paula.
Exactly this. Exactly. I was not spontaneous, a killjoy, too anxious etc etc etc.
Nope. Whatever he was doing it was sucking the life out of me. Now I’m fearless (ish) and doing new things every day. I even scare myself sometimes by the person I’m turning it to!!
Great post.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago
Reply to  paula

Five stars, Paula! A chump heroine after my own heart! I’m 55, and I too love the outdoors, hiking, and kayaking. I walked almost 250 miles in France last month. Back home now, exploring and hiking as the gorgeous fall season starts. Happy hiking! You have earned that badge of courage.

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
6 years ago

What I thought I was: good supportive person trying to manage partner’s descent into what seemed like prolonged depression–catering to moods, trying to cheer him up, thoughtfully encouraging him to seek professional help, being understanding about his sexual dysfunction.

What I truly was: the person he wanted GONE, so he could go forward with Schmoopie.

Being a passive aggressive whiny manchild, he thought, “I know! I’ll just be in a bad mood and withold sex for two years! She’ll get fed up and leave!”

What broke me in the aftermath, until I reached meh, was thinking back on all the time and mental energy and emotional labor I poured into that black hole. What can I do to fix it, fix him, make it better? The realization that the answer was: LEAVE. Get gone. I was the problem–well, it took a while for that to stop bringing me to my knees.

What I am now: independent, happy, in tune with reality. So much better than living in a state of mindfuck.

Sagefemme
Sagefemme
6 years ago

This is really the story of my marriage too. Life feels so much better when you don’t live with someone who secretly hates you but is too much of a coward to do anything about it.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Sagefemme

+1000 Findingbliss!!!!

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago
Reply to  Sagefemme

Isn’t that the truth? They really do seem to secretly hate us, but are cowards and won’t say so. My coward used to rant that I was just like all the other women–his mom, his sisters, and our daughter. You’re all the same! he’d scream. Mommy issues much? Sexist? I love that I’m not devoting my life to such a worthless person anymore.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago

I could have written every word that you did, Cleo. You said it all so well. You are a champion. So glad you LEFT and are free now. Carry on with being awesome.

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
6 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

You too, FindingBliss!

ANC
ANC
6 years ago

Cheater tried to convince me I was a cold, negative harpy.

Who I am really am is resilient, caring, intelligent, adventurous and positive and giving! Asshole projects and projected his lifelong soulless empty self on me all the while extracting ME from ME, using those traits in a facade to share with fuckbuddies, neighbors and other exterior sources for validation.

I have always volunteered in numerous ways. His initial reaction, and a red flag that I spackled, was why do THAT?! Why give your time and energy to someone or something when there is ZERO public display of supposed awesomeness aka public kibbles.

Toxic toxic toxic people.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

UX brought up a very good pet. Asshole was trying to convince me of What I Was based on HIS narrative. I never truly accepted it. I did do thing to improve my relationship with him and myself because feedback and self improvement is always good.

However, with these creeps it’s not constructive in order to improve the bond because their is NO Bomd. What they spew is destructive and I’m confident they know it. In order to control you they need you to believe and accept you are shitty, like themselves. I never stopped believing The Who or What I Am. He worked very very very hard to convince my kids that I was perpetually negative. That abuse was the worst and unforgivable.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Good *point* not pet