Why Is Leaving the Abuse Cycle So Hard?
She’s been in an 18-month long pick me dance — why is leaving the abuse cycle so hard? Why is she clinging to something so destructive?
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Dear Chump Lady,
Oh, where to begin? My partner of 26 years had a 6-plus years long emotional affair with a close personal friend of mine.
I had known about aspects of the affair for years, tried couple’s therapy (total waste of time and money and mental health). Broke up, got back together again, rinse, repeat for years. He has capitulated between the two of us for close to 18 months after I told him he had to choose her or me.
I did the pick me dance to the point of humiliation.
I don’t trust him and yet feel so terrified of being alone. He will not commit to our relationship nor will he be the one to exit it.
I can logically see the silver lining — an end to paranoia, hypervigilance, folding myself into tinier and tinier pieces to “make things work”, exiting the endless cycle of charm, eggshells, paranoia, distance, make-up sex, repeat.
My question for you is why is exiting the cycle so hard?
Why do chumps resist choosing self-respect and autonomy? Why do we cling so tightly to something so destructive? And what do I do to build myself up and prevent myself from returning to the cycle?
Reading your work and the experiences of other chumps is the main thing keeping me going right now.
Haggard Washer Woman
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Dear Haggard Washer Woman,
I’ve answered so many different versions of this question, it’s pretty much the basis for the entire blog. My reaction to being chumped was to untangle my own brain so I could understand the mortification of it. Then I dumped that knowledge here and created a community so that newbies would have a much shorter learning curve about escaping fuckwits.
But let’s zoom out for a moment. Understanding WHY you’re pick me dancing isn’t going to stop you going back for another round of the humiliation cha-cha. Understanding happens after you stop. Otherwise, you can do this chumpy analysis paralysis for ages.
The only thing that’s going to cure you is actually leaving.
I know that sounds like a catch 22. You have to take some things on faith and just do it. Here’s an awkward analogy. I study painting with Russians, who studied at the Imperial Academy of Arts in St. Petersburg. They’re incredibly demanding and technically brilliant painters. I’ve been studying with them for over a decade, yet I’m still a novice. My teacher Natasha said once:
“I can tell you how to paint, but it doesn’t mean anything. The only way you learn to paint is by painting.”
natasha
No one can tell you how paint feels. Or what happens when you mess up. Or give you the muscle memory of getting it right. Only you can do that.
Doesn’t stop Natasha from teaching, or me for trying to learn. But she’s right. The only way to learn is by DOING.
Feelings follow actions. Stop waiting for an epiphany to leave.
You already feel awful pick me dancing with this nimrod. That’s enough. You know enough to act. You aren’t going to feel crystal clarity about your decision until the no contact kicks in and that’s a matter of faith and some white knuckling it until the spell lifts. (This is me telling you how to paint.) No contact is the fastest path to healing.
Now I’ll reiterate all the reasons leaving is hard. (DO IT ANYWAY. PAINT.)
- You’re human and you bonded.
- There’s brain science behind the addictive power of intermittent rewards.
- There are a lot of cultural messages (especially to straight women) that you’re nothing if you aren’t coupled.
Breaking bonds is hard. Even with FWs.
You spent 26 years with this man. He’s your family. Anyone would be terrified of losing their partner and life’s investment. That doesn’t make you stupid or pathetic, it makes you human. Yes, he’s treating you terribly, but we often pay big prices of admission to stay with someone.
It’s normal when you’re in conflict to struggle with competing values. Part of you thinks, “I’m not a quitter. I don’t give up on people I love.” Loyalty is one value. Then the other part of you thinks “I cannot tolerate this crap for another second. HOW DARE he treat me this way!” Self preservation is another value. You might have other values there in the heap, religious or cultural influences like divorce is a sin. So now you’ve got this dog fight going on in your head keeping you stuck. And your husband is left to enjoy cake — the competition for the wonderfulness that is him.
He has capitulated between the two of us for close to 18 months after I told him he had to choose her or me.
Yeah, this is a nonstarter. Do you want to be in a relationship where you have to issue ultimatums? Would you trust a commitment that resulted from an ultimatum? He called your bluff. You couldn’t back that threat up. He’s isn’t the decider here. YOU ARE THE DECIDER. He doesn’t stop his affair? You call a lawyer. You go no contact. Don’t wait for him to decide. This is working for him.
Occasionally ‘winning’ the pick me dance is addictive.
And your FW knows this. And he’s playing both of you for centrality and attention. He’s not undecided! He’s mindfucking you with the Power of Maybe.
Watch this video explaining the brain science. Your brain gets a huge high off the ANTICIPATION of a reward. Ooh! If I just try harder I’ll win the turd! He’s promised he’s coming back! is brain crack. There’s a reason we call it hopium. It’s a powerful hallucinogenic drug.
You have to rewire your brain to understand THERE IS NO REWARD. Just an endless competition. And this blog is replete with nightmares about what happens when you “win” the turd. The more you pick me dance, the more you’ve created a neurotransmitter rut in your brain to keep dancing. Will yourself to QUIT. Clarity comes with no contact. And yes, it feels like kicking a drug, because it kinda is exactly like that to your brain.
You’ll be fine single.
Despite a bazillion misogynistic messages to the contrary about living alone with cats (like that’s a bad thing), you will not be an object of pity. There is no loss in status losing a FW. Examine who is holding the measuring stick. Now mentally break that measuring stick over your knee and throw it in a fire.
Sanity, self respect, self reliance, real friendships, real love is all SO MUCH BETTER than how you’re living now. Trust a few bazillion of us here who have walked this path before you.
I don’t trust him and yet feel so terrified of being alone.
You’re alone now with a terrifying person.
He will not commit to our relationship nor will he be the one to exit it.
Fuck him. He’s not the decider, you are.
I can logically see the silver lining — an end to paranoia, hypervigilance, folding myself into tinier and tinier pieces to “make things work”, exiting the endless cycle of charm, eggshells, paranoia, distance, make-up sex, repeat.
Listen to your logical self.
Why do chumps resist choosing self-respect and autonomy?
This is rather victim blame-y. Chumps are in a state of shock when they discover their partners’ double lives. I’m sure you were shocked to suddenly find yourself in a FW Thunderdome competing with your friend for your marriage. You weren’t expecting gladiator games and now you must pivot.
The dominant message out there is that you can save this. That the path to self-respect is getting a FW to value you again. I make a very different argument here. The path to self-respect is valuing yourself enough to not take abuse. And letting go of the future you thought you were going to have to forge a new path.
Partnership always sounds easier than autonomy. But you’re operating under an illusion. You don’t have a partner, you have a saboteur.
And what do I do to build myself up and prevent myself from returning to the cycle?
Stop returning to the cycle. Go no contact with your abuser. Learn to paint by painting. Feelings follow actions. You don’t build yourself up and then go. By GOING you build yourself up.
You can do it. We’re here for you.
Seriously, if you want to understand the power of the Reconciliation Industrial Complex watch that 5 minute video I embedded. “Nothing is more addictive to the human brain than ‘maybe.” We are uniquely vulnerable as a species to intermittent rewards. Casinos understand this and FWs understand this. We get a brain HIGH anticipating that we MIGHT win. Actually winning doesn’t spark the joy, the PURSUIT sparks the joy. And you can get kicked in the teeth again and again and again trying, but you’ll still stupidly keep trying.
I recommend that everyone take 5 minutes out of your day to watch this one simple video. It will change how you see the world around you and the power of manipulation.
I agree with all the feedback and especially liked how you handled the difference between victim blaming and (for lack of a better way to describe it) re-engineering our own emotional reactions in order to foil the ways that abusers skillfully “hack” normal human attachment and trauma response.
This said, I would have preferred a different source to illustrate how abusers control through future faking and intermittent reward/operant conditioning other than Robert “Cheaters can’t help it so don’t judge them” Sapolsky.
Besides, the dopamine theory isn’t even his. And I don’t want to get into one of my long, boring sociopolitical diatribes but I could do a whole “That F*cking Guy” segment on Sapolsky and and an essay on “ideology disguised as science” regarding his radical genetic determinism and how it neatly fits with some of today’s most powerful (and profitable, if you’re a science shill or “STEMbo”) corporate agendas.
Here’s me not “getting started” (bursting capillaries).
I don’t know if he touches on it in the video, but I remember reading about a study done with either sugar or drug-laced water and rats. Two groups of rats… Group 1 had the laced water that dispensed whenever they pushed the special lever. Group 2 only got the laced water sometimes when they pushed the lever. Group 1 quickly got bored with their enhanced water and only occasionally used it. Group 2 would hit the lever all the live long day trying to get their next fix.
Famed Russian theatre director Stanislavsky was known for his belief that action drives emotion, instead of the other way around. I kinda think he was mostly right.
HWW,
You are in a “relationship” with someone who does not value you, does not honour you, does not protect you and does not care about you. If you step back, you will hopefully see that there are worse things than being single, the foremost is being in a relationship with someone who cannot and will not ever put your needs and welfare ahead of their own.
Just because you spent a long time making a mistake does not mean that it is a good idea to keep on making it. Now is the time to get out, go no contact and build a better future for yourself.
LFTT
I am grateful that my FW walked out on me (well, kicked me out would be more accurate). I was one of those loyal people who didn’t give up on their family, “if I just try harder, maybe…”, and filled with self blame. Thank you, religious upbringing.
Distance and time was extremely eye opening, and I finally recognized the (quite horrific) abuse I had been living in. But he never HIT me, so I would rationalize all the verbal, mental, and emotional trauma. My health, both physical and mental, suffered because of it. Even after we separated, FW fed me nothing but lies (he denied the affair, denied that AP was the reason he wanted a divorce, etc. etc.) and refused to take any actual steps towards dissolving our marriage (and frequently telling me he loved me, missed me, etc. and then pivoting in an instant to saying that he hated me, never wanted to see me again, and on and on; it was exhausting). We even had a brief wreckonciliation for a few months (during which the abuse became ten times worse than it had ever been, and FW kept blatantly seeing AP).
I eventually grew tired of FW’s back and forth, and my detective skills uncovered enough to strongly suggest a physical affair, so in spite of not being the one who even wanted that divorce I was the one who called a lawyer. I became the decider. Of course FW was angry (!) that I’d actually done something. I suppose he thought I’d pine for him forever. He dragged the divorce out for years.
After AP dumped him, he did circle back to me (he hated being alone, and he was having financial issues), but I had broken my addiction to him. He was crying on the phone about how alone he was, and I felt NOTHING for him. Not anger, not hate, not sympathy. Just…nothing.
So, yeah, I definitely agree that HWW just needs to get away from her FW. It is possible to break their hold on you.
And as a woman who is now middle aged with cats (and still single), there is nothing scary or lonely about it. Frankly, it’s wonderful. I don’t have the slightest desire to couple with anyone ever again. I’ve never been happier, slept better, or had more fun than I am now.
Lying after separation and divorce. Crying on the phone about being alone, seeking sympathy from the chump whose life he annihilated… Were we married to the same FW?SMH these FW narcs are literally so cookie cutter in their evil ways
Mine did the same. Still does when given the opportunity! He feels oh so sorry for himself.
Somewhere on the dark web there is a step-by-step FW instruction manual.
Understanding happens after you stop.
Dear Haggard Washer Woman:
Please listen to the words of wisdom from CL and trust the instinct that brought you here. You feel like a haggard washer woman because being in this relationship has brought you so low you don’t recognize yourself. But after you leave, after you stop negotiating with a terrorist, after you leave the hell of a narcissistic partner who doles out tiny occasional moments of respite, you get to return to swim in the healing spring of cool, serene calm waters that are your natal right. That healing spring washes away the dirt and madness and one day the haggard washer woman is gone and your own beautiful face is reflected. Around these parts, we call that Tuesday.
CL’s words are wisdom: you only get there, you only understand after.
In my own situation, I churned about in madness for 7 years and only after he was gone did I understand the depths to which my life had sunk, and that was a shock also. But as someone swimming now in the healing waters and feeling the peace that comes from leaving, I invite you to do the same. It is worth it and you are worth it.
CL, beautiful strong words: I’ve printed this one out to read every morning. Thank you for everything you do.
“You’re alone now with a terrifying person” – this.
As we do, one of the reasons I stayed for a while was that I was scared of being alone. But I am realizing now, I was already alone. I don’t feel MORE alone now. I actually feel more full. I feel like….like there is more of ME now, and I like me, and I like being with this version of me more than I did before.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. We struggle to believe that anyone could be so cruel. It’s very hard to accept and act on because society conditions us with myths about family and marriage and “love” to disbelieve our own lived experience.
There wasn’t just an emotional affair trust us 6 years no f’*king? Bwahahaha
D day #2 began with tons of lies before FW only admitting to one hoho a handful of times. But I found out he had been cheating with many hos over years and decades. This is actually insanely common once you read this blog.
It’s not between you and this so-called friend. You’re never going to “beat” dozens of escorts, coworkers, neighbors, heck even your relatives because that’s how your FW sees the world, a pussy buffet regardless of what you do. I knew no woman could ever stay married to such a disgusting monster and forced myself to leave in spite of the terror of parenting a disabled child alone.
Tracy is right you need to actually leave to clear your head. Have you confided in anyone supportive or trustworthy? It cleared my head more and more to confide in friends who at first also thought perhaps marriage was salvageble but went through the horrifying discovery phase with me.
Realizing FW was a narcissistic personality disordered sociopath helped me finally get away. The evidence piled up because I refused to stop digging in spite of the pain. Do days #3, 4,5, 6 ad infinitum followed
The only way any chumps “win” the pick me dance is by WALKING AWAY.
“It’s not between you and this so-called friend. You’re never going to “beat” dozens of escorts, coworkers, neighbors, heck even your relatives because that’s how your FW sees the world, a pussy buffet regardless of what you do.”
My exFW literally checked every box (no pun intended) on this list. He fucked escorts, a co-worker, stalked a neighbor, and even stalked my cousin for decades. And I STILL tried wreckonciliation!!!
My life without exFW is financially much, much worse. (He’s currently suing me) But I wouldn’t trade it. As scary as my future is alone, at least I’m not with someone who abuses and disrespects me this much. I may be broke, but I have self respect and dignity again.
When I first read about “no contact” I couldn’t/didn’t want to believe it applied to me. I wanted to “work it out” with Cheaty McLiarface. After all he’d only had an emotional affair. I didn’t yet grasp that entitlement is the foundation for all the self serving, blameshifting, minimizing behaviors and that no contact is the only way to get off of the circular argument merry-go-round designed to keep us on the playing field covered in cake of one flavor or another.
I let him stay until he had smothered every last ember of love that I had for him. It made going no contact much easier but the cost to my esteem wasn’t worth it.
The following list presumes that FW has been blocked on all platforms and that a lawyer has been hired. This is for when the compulsion arises.
Top ten tips when you’re jones-ing to contact a FW:
As soon as I read the questions, I thought, despite their being understandable questions, that they belong to a phase in the struggle to leave, and that the question we need to ask is “What do I have to do to be able to leave?” There are both practical and psychological things one can do, and lucky for all of us, CL has delineated them all, in this and in other posts.
I admit it took me far too long–three years, although I didn’t find CL until eighteen months after d-day–and I made all the chump mistakes (pick-me danced, for example) for all the reasons we make them (sunk costs, bonded, hopium, etc). I was not able to go right for the practical things one can do, like visiting a lawyer, looking hard at my finances, and finding a place to move to, until I did some things to help me through the morass of why I wasn’t leaving (hopium, fear, etc), and also heard and saw my then-husband act and speak in ways that made it clear there was no future with him. My then-husband was like the letter writer’s husband: passive aggressive. He wouldn’t commit but wouldn’t end it, either, and as Sapolsky makes clear in that video, I was seduced by the “maybe,” which, I’m sure, was the source of, as well as fed, my addiction to hopium.
Reading the archives here on personality disorders and the predictable behavior of fuckwits was eye-opening. Making lists was very helpful to me in visualizing both what I wanted and what I didn’t want: what I would not miss about being married to my then-husband; what my resources both personal and financial were, what he’d said and done, in my case repeatedly, that made it clear to me that he was not to be trusted, what he said vs. what he did.
Then there were the acts I undertook, the practical things. Taking some time away from home gave me perspective that I could not attain while living with my fuckwit. Visiting a lawyer was a huge step forward for me, and engaging one (not the first one I visited) another. So was telling my mother, because I knew once I told her I wanted to divorce I would not be able to take it back. Looking at a place I might rent was a baby step toward leaving, and actually renting an apartment, several months later, meant I had passed into the stage of “no return.”
Once I left, “no contact” was the key. I saw him as little as possible throughout the divorce process. My ex tried, weakly, to hoover a couple of times, but after I shut that down, I went back to no contact. “No contact” is KEY!
HaggardWasherWoman, my advice is to do something that puts you on the path to no return. If you haven’t seen and engaged a lawyer, do that. If telling a family member will compel you to stick to your word, do that–and if a friend or family member will help keep you strong in your resolve, even better. If you’re feeling weak, call them, just as you would a sponsor in AA! You don’t say whether you have actually left, or whether your husband leaves and then returns, but if you’re still living in the marital house, then move out (after checking with your lawyer). And once you’re out, go no contact, and take action to make sure that happens–communications go through your lawyer, you don’t answer his phone calls, email, or texts (never read them the minute they come in/have a friend screen them).
You can do it!
Way back at the start of my career I worked with adolescents (and I have the scars to prove it.) This involved running a group on abusive relationships (not my idea or something I’d just do out of pocket-they just sort of had a curriculum). The session in that curriculum that always dropped jaws was talking about the Cycle of Abuse.
Basically it starts with the abusive act right at the top of the cycle (the one on Google image search doesn’t, but work with me here), or “incident.” Or as I pitched it to the kids, “bad shit happened.” Pretty elf explanatory. For us Chumps, that’s your D-Day, that’s your transgressive act, that’s the bit of negligence, that’s the “I am getting my need met elsewhere so I don’t have to be as nice to you anymore, appliance!”
What comes after is a period of reconciliation/repair. Generally that was excuse making or some reparative act on their part. My fuckwit would call a date night (because yay emotional table scraps for me and kibbles for her), spoil me with a gift, show up at my work and lavish affection upon me in front of my coworkers/staff, etc. I hadn’t even started dating as a college kid before hearing the phrase “make-up sex.” The “See, it’s all better, no more pain!”
Reinforcing what our fearless leader said-it’s usually that reparative act that helps keep us locked in (so Protip: teens in an abusive relationship group, spoilers, have probably been in one at that point-jaw drops a plenty!) Never you mind that it is immediately followed by “Tension building” and then, “whoops, more bullshit!”
I got fixated on the reparative act-mostly because it was the only positive attention I was getting…pretty much in life at that point. I tolerated the pick-me dance as a result because “things felt normal and I might win playing the long game.” Yeah no. When I thought she was over one Schmoopie she went and picked up another (I will never know the precise size and shape of the polycule I was unwittingly in.)
I assure you that there are far better ways to get your dopamine hit than waiting for that idiot to remember on occasion that you have needs and feelings as well. You deserve better than to be an option in your own relationship.
I want to underscore something else that our leader said: you are already alone in your relationship. Abuse is by nature an isolative act (you already know this-your friend has also betrayed you-that has to feel awful!) WHEN you leave you will realize that a lot more acutely-mine was gone for less than a week when I realized that I was already doing most of the work. And take it from me-YOU want to be the one to pull the trigger-would you rather the regret of “possibly making a mistake by leaving”(you’re not!) or your world shattering when they get to call those shots and hit you a lot emotionally on the way out (like happened to me?)
Trust me, you are going to find that life is not much worse being alone in the short term-right now you do not have a partner-you have a very hurtful checkbox. And you deserve better than that. It took a couple of months for me to realize that with very limited exception most of the things that I was worried about not having with her gone were not bad at all or otherwise not an actual problem. And quite frankly it is liberating not being shackled by that idiot anymore.
If you are going to be judged by other people in your life for starting to live on YOUR terms, I think you need some better people in your life.
We are here for you!
Happy Tuesday To Those that Celebrate!
It might help if you face and accept the truth of his betrayal. No man has a “6-plus years long EMOTIONAL affair.” Oh, surely it was emotional but it was (is?) physical, too. The fact that you are compelled to label it an “emotional affair” shows some strong denial. Not being mean here – just real. Have you been tested for all STDs? Do it now. Herpes and HPV are rampant in the multiple sex partners community. This is a hard journey you are on and you are asking for a map. Start by realizing your true starting point. You can do it
You mention: “endless cycle of charm, eggshells, paranoia, distance, make-up sex, repeat. “
That sounds an awful lot like the classic cycle of abuse. “Tension Building, Building, Incident, Reconciliation. Calm”.
It can’t be overstated how important no contact is.
After he moved out, we tried to stay super amicable “for the kids”. In hindsight, he did that as part of his image management. He loved to tell everyone how I was still his best friend. And to keep tabs on me. And to still have some control on me. His affair ended AS he moved out, so he immediately started dating on the apps. I got to hear all about his dating life. I was NOT dating. Still am not. Didn’t stop him from accusing me of it. (Rich huh?) Things would seem “good” but inevitably, a day would arrive where ouyt of the blue it seemed, he’d decide to be furious with me. And we would spend a day or two bickering over text. Going over the same old topic of the affair and who was to blame.
If I am being honest, I did not really WANT to be his friend. Why would I want to be a friend to the person who did what he did to me? But I went along with it. I am sure some of it was because it felt like a safety net. It delayed that big cut in ties. But a lot of the reason I went along with it was because I was conditioned to do what he wanted at the detriment of myself.
But there was a lot of back and forth, a power struggle, because he no longer lived with me. And that time away from him opened my eyes a bit. Then, one day, a YEAR into all this, he got really angry, worse than he had previously. And he said such hateful things that I became afraid of him. And I realized “wait, this is what my life will be forecver. A cycle of him being calm, then tense, then worse, then a blow up…only to reconcile and start all over. The only way to emnd the cycle is to cut ties” I went low contact that day. (we have kids, full no contact isn’t possible yet) And I haven’t looked back.
It’s been a year. And the realizations I have had in the past year about him, myself, our interactions are astounding. You can’t see it clearly if you are in the middle of it.
Haggard Washer Woman, this is a man who chose your good friend as an AP. I would certainly argue that there are no good choices for an AP, he could have met a complete stranger at the grocery store and you probably wouldn’t feel great. But if he is willing to pick from your friend pool? How will you EVER feel safe and secure again? There is nothing worth fighting for here. And I promise you, you WILL realize that after you have spent some time away from him and away from the pick me dance.
Haggard Washer Woman – to see that name which you chose for yourself broke my heart. Is that who you really are? Or is that who you have become as a result of the stressful and unhappy life you have? Cast your mind forward to a time when you can be free of your FW, and know that extreme pressure over time creates diamonds. Imagine a life where you can breathe fresh air, have a clear head, and a calm soul; you will be in control of your own life without interference or compromise. What name would you choose for yourself then? Write that name down and tape it to your bathroom mirror to remind yourself of what you are working towards. And it will be work: head work, heart work, slog work like calling a lawyer and getting this sham marriage over with, and physical work like packing up your stuff and running like hell. It will be some years of rough transition, but SO SO WORTH IT. Good luck to you Beautiful Vibrant Woman!
Mine was also a long marriage. I had essentially been a SAHM, and we had two college kids. He had just retired. I am not a quitter and had scads of religious guilt to work through. He was the one who left, but I finally refused to reconcile. It took me a while, but from that point on, I was resolute.
Some years later, I’m very comfortable with my single, divorced status. I’m solid financially, still working some in a professional capacity, but headed towards retirement. The kids are raised and are solid, responsible adults. I’ve spoken to both of them today, and it’s a joy to be together when schedules allow. They want nothing to do with their father, their choice.
My ex is still alive, far as I know, but no doubt that life is better without him.
Enjoy your peace! Retirement or middle-aged chump playing nurse maid to an aging FW in a sham marriage is NOT a future anyone deserves!
My FW narcopath wanted me to do exactly that plus work into old age because he was “tired”. Entitlement to the max!
I realized too the social pressure of not divorcing an ill, dementia or cancer ridden FW would be greater
Better to pull the plug before!
Archer, I can’t imagine taking care of my cheater into old age with his mental illness getting worse and worse! I think we’ve spoken of this before but here where I live on 55+ I see couples going down hill with the mostly male crowd being cared for by their wives. I heard reports of verbal abuse being heard through the walls. After you know you are living with a cheater I don’t know how anyone later cares for them. I just don’t understand
The medical side was a difficult part of my relationship with my ex. He had surgeries and procedures multiple times a year during most of the latter part of our marriage, some with complications and a lot of follow-up. I soldiered on because that’s what spouses do, but it was not something he reciprocated on. When I was sick or recovering from surgery, he was very resentful.
Some of my naysayers said I wasn’t doing right by him when I refused to reconcile, saying that he surely needed my help with his medical issues. Well, he had chosen to live in another state, and, mentally, I considered him on his own at that point. He had relatives across the state who did help a few times, but I heard later that they refused that long-term, feeling taken advantage of and being concerned about the health of an immediate family member that they put first.
I didn’t consider his health a priority above the rest of the marital mess he made. He was going to have to figure out for himself how to handle that.
HWW, CL is absolutely right. The only way to break the cycle is to ignore your fears and doubts and just leave him. With no contact, the neural pathways burned into your brain by intermittent reinforcement will start to normalize. Intermittent reinforcement is so powerful it’s used as a torture technique. This guy has quite literally been torturing you, getting you perpetually hooked on the possibility of a miniscule reward, which of course he will snatch away from you to keep the cycle going. You need to use sheer will power, because there is no technique that will save you, no magic words that will make you abide by your better instincts. Don’t agonize, don’t analyze, just act. Later, when he is gone and you are healing, you can do an analysis to understand how you got caught in that cycle.
P.S. IMO there is no way a six year affair was never physical. I think most chumps would agree. It’s a lie. Remember that you can’t trust a single thing he tells you. After he is gone from your life his lies won’t matter anymore, but for now, assume he is lying about everything relationship related.
I also needed to leave without him there to “talk” (charm/pity/rage channel) me out of it. But then the trick is no contact and staying gone.
💯 OHFFS! It was vital that I left him without him knowing, when he went out to get a haircut. He returned to find me gone.
Being away from him was necessary for clarity. It was only after that when I could start to understand why I stayed in a long term abusive marriage, and start to name and understand who he really is and the tactics he used on me.
Same here…I had to leave when he went to a hotel to give me some space after D,day..sure he’d be back by Father’s day. I filed and got a protection order in 24 hours. That is the only thing that broke the spell. As I saw how I had been treated and used I was horrified. If iI had allowed him to touch me he would have won. If I allowed him to talk me out of it, he would have won. There is no other way to get out but zero contact or legal contact only. I knew this before CLs book or finding her words of extreme wisdom…but she and you all kept me solid. I am the most 🙏 grategul
HWW,
I don’t know what steps you’ve tried already to leave this guy, but you need support and an action plan. Do you have a team around you? A lawyer? A trauma therapist who understands domestic violence and that infidelity is abuse? Family and friends who are 100% team you?
Don’t judge yourself. Feeling paralyzed and indecisive is a normal reaction to abuse. It’s like judging a car accident victim for not being able to run a marathon when they’ve got a broken leg. This guy is re-breaking your leg every day that you see him. Of course you’re going to feel headfucked.
In my experience, you’re never going to feel “ready” to leave, you just have to do it. Focus on the action steps that’ll get you out and the people who can help you do it, and then go no contact as soon as your lawyer says you can. Healing begins once the poison is out of your life.
I love this take very much. Love the metaphors. So accurate.
HWW,
Please know that being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. I was horribly lonely throughout my 25 year marriage.
3 years out, I’m alone… and life is good! I’m not saying it wasn’t bloody hard work to get here, and no doubt there’s more work to come. But HWW, after 18 months of pick me dancing you’ve already proved you can work at hard things. Why not redirect that effort and energy toward yourself, rather than someone who (I’m so sorry) will neither appreciate nor reciprocate it?
There’s a life for you on the other side of this, truly!
FWIW I’m alone, and I’m also quite lonely. But I still prefer this to being stuck in the cycle of abuse with an FW. In fact, I’d take loneliness over being with the wrong person, even if they weren’t an FW. So, don’t let fear of loneliness stop you. Abusive relationships are isolating, besides. Even if you’re not in a romantic relationship, you still can find other forms of companionship and fulfillment.
I too am alone, and often lonely, but it is so much better than being treated like used toilet paper. I also find that being a single middle aged woman is isolating from society at large. And yet, I stay healthy and busy and love my work, have good relationships with my sons. I am blessed. All the therapy in the world can’t save me from regret and – shame, honestly- for being with that man. Freedom came, later better than never and that I cherish So much. But I appreciate you not sugarcoating it. So worth it regardless.
After 45 years of being married to 2 different cheaters, both underground cheaters – as I did a blind pick.me dance- I count myself so blessed to have gone low and NO contact with both of them as we unraveled. THERE IS IMO NO OTHER WAY to break the spell of pick me- abuse me -I’ll be here when you want me- sex with me, talking, lecturing- trying to get Peter Pan to GROW UP- hoping- praying that they will change and want me without anyone else,so I can be happy. How many addicts can keep a bag of COCCAINE IN THEIR BEDSIDE TABLE,while they attend NA 12 step meetings every night. It can’t be done. The missing emotion in HWW story is rage and anger at being treated like a kleenex, used and tossed used and tossed. You have to see and feel your value. You have to get angry and close the door and cherish yourself. I can say with my whole ❤️ that I am thrilled to be on my own and no one will EVER treat me like garbage that you take out, and throw in a can, ever again
Listen to your gut.
When our couples counselor said I just needed to have faith and trust, I balked. Even though I was in the bargaining phase of grief and still spackling to a large extent, I could not authentically believe/believe in my abusive, cheating, lying ex. My gut was screaming at me.
But when chump lady and chump nation told me to ‘trust he sucks’ and LACGAL, I bought it. Leaving the last time was terrifying and painful, but I knew it was the right thing. So different from the times I stayed/went back to my ex, when there was always a pit in my stomach telling me something was off. That first night of freedom felt like facing a void, but I also felt immense relief and a sense of accomplishment. I was being true to myself. I have not seen my ex in over five years, and I’ve been fully no contact for five, and I have zero regrets. You won’t. Just believe it, believe us, and fake it till you make it.
Shut the door.
In order to leave for good, I needed to shut the door. Previously when I left, I would tell myself I could leave but would leave the door open for my ex if he ever changed and could offer what I needed from him. So the cycle would start over. Finally I realized/admitted to myself that leaving the door open meant i was always in limbo, never truly moving on, always leaving the choice up to my ex. I needed to be brave and take control of my life. I was honest with myself. I knew that my ex could never be who I wanted or needed, and that he did not care about my health or happiness. I needed to take responsibility for myself. With that metaphor and mental shift, I freed myself from the cycle of abuse.
You are worth it.
You have to believe your life is worthwhile in order to leave. Make yourself and your life central. An FW will always undermine your health and happiness. And also, be nice to yourself, starting by calling yourself a nicer name. You’re leaving an FW who treated you like garbage, so don’t do the same to yourself!
Love this.
Dearest Chump Nation,
Thank you all so much for your wisdom and words of support and advice. FW is staying in an air BNB currently, but his machine shop is on our co-owner property. Selling is not an option for reasons too complicated to go into. The plan is for him to move his shop over the coming months. We just stay clear of one another when he is there. One problem is that he does nice things for me like splitting firewood (I heat the house with a wood stove). In the past I would have told him to stop, but now I’m just ignoring any of his crumbs of kindness.
This is the 3rd or 4th or 8th time we’ve separated. I need this time to stick. I’m in my mid 50s and want to experience peace and calm, escape chaos, rejection, confusion, starving on stale crumbs of affection, being gaslit. I recognize the cycle and see my role in it. I have a good therapist, good friends, a good job with stable income so I’m lucky.
And I’m grateful to all of you.
Love,
HWW
I’m sorry you have to be here, but I’m glad you found us.
Are you guys married? Even if you’re not, it’s a good idea to consult a lawyer about the shared assets. Unfortunately you can’t trust fuckwits to be honest about anything. If you could, they wouldn’t be fuckwits.
No, we are not married. We equally own a home and property together. I have not yet consulted with a lawyer. I have a stable job, good income. He has basically no money. I don’t want to leave the property. I’ve been here 22 years. I’m very attached to all of it and helped build it. I really want to pass it on to my children who were raised here. Leaving the house to FW and the possibility of the AP moving in would be the ultimate blow to me.
OK, so stay but get a pitball lawyer and find someone else to chop your firewood. I’m so glad you have economic security and a good network of support. Start fighting for all you can. You got this. The hardest part may be (as for me!) be wrapping your head around the fact that you were in an abusive relationship and you need to get out and the world does not make that easy. The best thing will be getting free of it. I’m so glad you are here and I’m also so sorry you are here, because it is no fun. But clarity will come with no contact. No contact is so key- a good therapist will tell you that. Was told that and didn’t get it, my therapist saying “he’s abusing you via email” sounded insane to me, but looking back, he was right. Be nice to yourself.
Girl, a lawyer can help you with that! You need to talk to one. Don’t wait to the last minute, you need one now.