You Might Be a Recovered Chump If…

How_to_leave_a_cheaterBoundaries, boundaries…

Okay, so you were chumped. But how did you get mighty? When did you start enforcing boundaries that  were previously trampled?

Today’s Fun Friday Challenge is — You Might Be a Recovered Chump (YMBARC) if… when he tells you he was sleeping in his car, you tell him he’s a liar. (You don’t tell him you found the hotel receipt. A recovered chump never reveals their sources.)

YMBARC if she says “I love you but I’m not in love with you” and… you shrug instead of performing the pick me dance.

YMBARC if your cheater is cake eating and you lawyer up on the sly. Let them think they’ve got you fooled, and then BAM. HellOoo divorce summons.

YMBARC if you speak your truth and resign as cheater PR director.

YMBARC if you bought all new bedding and decorate things just as YOU like them now.

YMBARC if it’s Tuesday and it’s meh.

So tell me your recovered chump moments!

TGIF!

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Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
4 years ago

YMBARC if when she calls you a “bad Christian” for not doing what she wants, you consider the source and go on with your life (instead of trying to convince the adulteress otherwise).

Carol39
Carol39
4 years ago

Yep. Cheater Ex was furious with DD12 because TWO DAYS after she found out about her dad’s cheating, she was still upset about it. He told her if she was a good Christian, she would forgive. She said if he was a good Christian, he wouldn’t have cheated on her mom. She’s a smart kid.

NotANiceChump
NotANiceChump
4 years ago

Yes. This was a turning point for me. When I no longer cared to defend myself to him.

ElizaHamilton
ElizaHamilton
4 years ago

As I was sitting here enjoying reading these comments with a morning coffee, an email popped up from the stbxh. I laughed out loud when I read his final paragraph;

You said ‘in sickness and in health’ . Eliza I fucked up because I am sick. Not because I don’t love you!! Please believe that. Please. I can get better. As a Catholic can you find it in yourself to give me another chance. It breaks all your personal rules but please?

Dldr
Dldr
4 years ago
Reply to  ElizaHamilton

A LITERAL sign from God!!!!! Delete it.

RachelK
RachelK
4 years ago
Reply to  ElizaHamilton

Reminds me of an email my ex sent my daughters years after they had cut him out of their lives, telling that they should think about what a true Christian would do. My youngest (all of 20 at the time) replied “I don’t believe a true Christian uses someone’s faith to blackmail them”.

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  RachelK

RachelK,

A couple of weeks ago, when my daughter was here for a visit, we had somehow begun talking about the x when she said most emphatically, “I don’t want to waste my time talking about him.”

Needless to say our conversation changed immediately.

This younger generation doesn’t miss a beat and isn’t at all afraid to call a cheater a cheater.
Gives me hope.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  Elderly Chump

Elderly Chump, my youngest son calls his Dad a bad emotional investment. He blocked him, removed his number from his contacts. How does a twenty two year old man see that? I didn’t for years and years. I’m so proud of him. Both of my sons have offered me a home. I thanked them both and said I would keep that in mind if I was unable to provide for myself. I feel like I managed to raise good men. Military cheater wasn’t home much.

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago

33yearsachump

My sons haven’t ‘gotten it’ yet although they too have offered to care for me, and like you I responded in a similar fashion.

I have a brother who still thinks our father was God and he is over 70 years old and our father has been dead and gone for almost 50 years!!!!!

Erin
Erin
4 years ago
Reply to  ElizaHamilton

Did u spill your coffee while reading? ????????????

After years of being mind fuck… followed by 1dday filled with lies
And 2nd dday ( bizzare- I was in state of shock – completely frozen, listening to my h BRAGGING about fucking me over since day 1) filled with most of the truth…

And ( yes yes) two years of roller coaster like ups and downs and pick me dancing…..

I realized- it does not matter.
The last few % of hope were gone, my heart was sealed and I started breathing again.

Focusing on career and children.
No more drama.
No more hope.
No more lies.

I felt free.

“ I was working late again”
Sure, pass the salt please.

“ I’m changing my ways, I’m honest now”
Sure, I have to pick up the kids.

“ why Do u ask about 401k, don’t u trust me?
Yes I do, I scheduled an appointment with our financial advisor on Thursday.

Etc.

Whoshallisay
Whoshallisay
4 years ago
Reply to  ElizaHamilton

Eliza, Trust the coffee… stay cool. You got this!

LL
LL
4 years ago
Reply to  ElizaHamilton

No Eliza
No more chances. It’s just gets worse. He comments he knows it breaks all your personal rules to give him another chance? . He’s no exception and wants to be. Stand your ground, maintain your self respect and dignity along with your sanity. Don’t allow him to guilt you into anything.
No is complete sentence or better yet, do not reply at all.

ClearView
ClearView
4 years ago
Reply to  ElizaHamilton

ElizaHamilton, that’s almost too good/cliched/terrible to be true!

neverachumpagain
neverachumpagain
4 years ago

ANY TIME an adulterer calls you a bad Christian and says that God hates divorce, then you look them straight in the eye and say “Yeah, but He hates adultery more.” What punishment does the Bible prescribe adultery? The adulterers are to be dragged out to the city gates and stoned to death. What punishment for divorce? Not death, I can tell you that.

All forms of Christianity allow for divorce, especially when there is abuse, neglect, and/or adultery involved. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. If a minister, preacher, priest or Christian counselor tries to convince you to stay in a bad marriage because “faith”, then run, run for the hills as fast as you can.

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
4 years ago

My first husband was a beater, the second was a cheater. 1st hubs physically abused me throughout our 18 year marriage and the last time he beat the living crap out of me in front of our 5 kids and threatened to kill me. I decided to believe him and 2 1/2 years after that happened, my divorce was final.

Anyway, he was the “Christain” who constantly accused me of NOT being a Christian because I “just up and left” him. “If you were really a Christian, you wouldn’t just up and leave your husband!!! Everybody KNOWS you’re a liar, KINT-SU-GI!! Everybody KNOWS IT!!!”

“I should have known that your being Catholic that there was no way you could be a CHRISTIAN!! You LIED to me!!”

“God hates DIVORCE, KINT-SU-GI! (Always weird emphasis on when he was mad and he said my name) You’re in REBELLION against God!!!”

Me: “You threatened to kill me and were charged with 2 felonies and a misdemeanor because of it. I choose life.”

Him: “Oh that’s RIDICULOUS!!! You know I didn’t MEAN it!!! WHY are you LYING???” (Rage channel)

“Please, can we go to marriage counseling again. Whever we go and ‘work on our marriage’ things get better. I won’t go to an actual psychologist though, just a “Christian counselor.” Psychologists are tools of Satan.” (sad-ish sausage channel)

There wasn’t a charm channel.

The whole what a Chrisitan is and isn’t, seriously screwed with my head many times. I was 19 when we married and when I was about 30 was when I started to get some backbone.

Anyway….off topic, but I’m all too familiar with the mental gymnastics narcs do with their brand of Christianity.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
4 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

DearLimboChump,
Just do your best every day, that’s all you can do.
I understand about not feeling worthy to post here, both hands raised.
But, I have found CN to be compassionate and understanding.

Still, I love it when a new Chump leaves after the first DD, such strength for sure, and I also believe, it is for the best ( in the long run), when a cheater walks out never to return.
We cannot walk in another’s shoes, but we can understand another Chump’s deep pain and devastation on being betrayed.
Everyone’s story and journey is different.
The fact that a beautiful, heartfelt, soul reaches out to me with understanding makes it feel right, makes it feel good, to come here to CN.
The best we can do is hold each other up.
My heart goes out to everyone one who has need to be here.
Many many hugs to you on your journey.

LimboChump
LimboChump
4 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

Thank you, peacekeeper

Attie
Attie
4 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

Mine was a beater too but god dammit he went to church (when his mother was around at least). Oddly enough, I’m not religious and made no pretense of ever going to church, nor did my family, but ask me which was the violent family and which side were cheaters!!! F**k all the lying, hypocritical Jesus cheaters!

EMC
EMC
4 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

Ugh, my cheater pulled the whole “God hates divorce” line on me when I filed. It was the 2nd affair with a different woman, that I knew of.
Glad you finally found strength to get away from your abusive ex. You and your children are better for it. What a creep, threatening to kill you.
Sometimes being young makes it difficult to assess someone’s true character.

TheBestMe
TheBestMe
4 years ago

Me and the children were “Judgmental Christians”, because we were disgusted by his affair. Like Wondernomore says…. They just do not get it at all.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
4 years ago
Reply to  TheBestMe

Yep. Or they are simply so spiritually sick that they are blind to reality.

Ivebeencheated
Ivebeencheated
4 years ago

That’s more like it ! How can a person claim Christianity and cheat on their spouse? I’m not saying Christian’s don’t make mistakes but not for 5yrs !

DavidB
DavidB
4 years ago
Reply to  Ivebeencheated

Jesus cheaters! We sat through a sermon on adultery, she never batted an eye!

Happily Free
Happily Free
4 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

My x did too- and he sat on stage with the pastor!

Their Christianity is NOT Christianity.

By far.

Happily Free
Happily Free
4 years ago
Reply to  Happily Free

Renay, you’re absolutely right. Religious cheaters is a more accurate description. I believe they will be in more trouble come judgment day because they used Jesus to use others.

Renay
Renay
4 years ago
Reply to  Happily Free

Mine preached those sermons. He WAS the preacher.

(I hate that phrase ‘Jesus Cheaters.’ Jesus did not cheat and does not deserve to have his name linked with them.)

DavidB
DavidB
4 years ago
Reply to  Happily Free

And signed us up for a marriage class at the church. Met up with her 26 year old boy toy at hotel weekend after our first class! All for show. She was trying to fix it!!!!

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
4 years ago

My XW called me that in front of the kids when I separated from her after pick me dancing for two months… Like she wasn’t a bad Christian for having multiple affairs…

WonderNoMore
WonderNoMore
4 years ago

The cheating adulteress calling the chump a “bad Christian”. Wow. She just doesn’t get it at all—-

Susan
Susan
4 years ago
Reply to  WonderNoMore

My cheater’s 7-year AP internet stalked me and replied to a post I made, saying that I had “ruined” him and that I was going to hell. She sleeps with a married man and keeps him from his wife and child, and I’m going to hell? Mmm-Kay. #unclearontheconcept

Attie
Attie
4 years ago

I guess my “recovered chump” moment had to be when he was crapping himself about possibly going to prison after his 4th (?) DUI AND a domestic abuse conviction and was asking me over and over again what I thought they would do to him. I just said I had no idea as Id never been in that situation, nor would I ever be, and “shame about that”.

Red Pill Alpha
Red Pill Alpha
4 years ago
Reply to  Attie

You should have pointed out that he would likely be someone’s bitch whilst in the pen.

Attie
Attie
4 years ago
Reply to  Red Pill Alpha

I said something along those lines once and he beat the shit out of me BUT it was so worth it to see his face. From what I hear nothings changed. Oh dear, never mind, how sad.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
4 years ago
Reply to  Attie

“sucks to be you” would be another good response to that situation.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
4 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Love it Attie! I’m here chuckling to myself…. Would have loved to see his face….

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
4 years ago

YMBARC……when you notice all the cheating in movies, song lyrics, and movies that you never, ever noticed before D-Day. Kenny Rogers can kiss my Texas ass.

NewChump
NewChump
4 years ago

Yes, absolutely this. And abusive scenarios presented as ‘romantic’. My reading has become much more selective. But that’s a good thing, truth is always better.

NewChump
NewChump
4 years ago

Cheers peacekeeper, that means a lot coming from you. A friend at work called me ballsy the other day so … ????????????????????

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
4 years ago

Although, I do think his song Lucille is rather poinant and completely sympathetic to the cheated on husband.

UnknowingChump
UnknowingChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

I heard that again recently. I have zero sympathy for the “chump”. He only wants her back to feed the kids and take care of shit. No mention of loving her or anything about her beyond how she’s a wife appliance. Even less sympathy for the “narrator” in the song. He doesn’t want her after he sees she’s independent and could make him feel “small”. Both those men are petty losers and I wish Lucille nothing but the best.

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
4 years ago
Reply to  UnknowingChump

And, you also have to see this from the persective of what the other guy whose poised to have an affair with Lucille, sees from his vantage point. He’s the observer and the author of the song. He recognizes the angst in the words of her husband, and he feels guilt and probably stops Lucille from making the biggest mistake of her life.

Maybe she’s not a bitch…but just tired and lost and at her wit’s end in trying to get through to her husband.

Anyway….I seem to be much more emotionally invested than I intended, LOL.

I’ve always loved the song and it symbolizes so much of what I observed with my parents’ generation growing up ( I was a kid in the 70’s) not that my mom was ever a bar fly, but she’d agree with me about Lucille! Incidently, that’s my middle name….(no lie) I was named after my grandma….who would also never be found on a bar stool.

And, my folks have been married for 54 years. Did you know only 6% of married couples make it to 50 years? That makes me very sad.

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
4 years ago
Reply to  UnknowingChump

I see it differently, probably because I’m a farm kid and I’m considering the generation the song was written in. I can totally see a man from my dad’s generation being the one who was left. He’s tired, befuddled, just trying to do his best, clumsy with things in the peripheal…it’s during harvest, he’s been putting in long, long hours trying to get a crop in, and he needs the support of his spouse so he can get the crop into the bin (because when it’s out in the field, it’s at risk) and provide for his family. He’s out there, working his ass off, and instead of her pushing through until everything is in the bin, and address her lonliness when her husband is actually, physicall able to address it, she acts up at his most vulnerable time. The context is important here.

Quite frankly, Lucille is a selfish and inconsiderate bitch. If she isn’t then she’d have packed up the kids and gone to her mother’s instead of bellying up to the bar and not feeding the kids dinner before she left.

Red Pill Alpha
Red Pill Alpha
4 years ago

yup

NotbLUEinTC
NotbLUEinTC
4 years ago

And……you laugh out loud and no longer burst into tears!

My Ex and is now Schmoopie wife, sat two rows behind me at a movie where in one of the scenes, the girlfriend & boyfriend talk about the effects of their parents divorce. The boyfriend went into detail about the effects of one of his parents cheating. It was a comedy so I just laughed & laughed & laughed, knowing they had to see the back of my head to see the movie.

Still struggling, but that was better than Meh–priceless..

Adelante
Adelante
4 years ago

Also all the chumpy lyrics…can’t listen to some of my old favorites any more.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
4 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

“Home Ain’t Home Anymore” “I Honestly Love You.” by Olivia Newton John
(Kinda says it all).
……sigh……

kharless73
kharless73
4 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

Adele’s Hello has always bothered me!

Hello from the other side
I must’ve called a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry
For everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never
Seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I’ve tried
To tell you I’m sorry
For breaking your heart
But it don’t matter, it clearly
Doesn’t tear you apart anymore

She sounds like a cheater that doesn’t get it. Take a fucking hint Adele. He isn’t answering your calls cuz he set some boundaries. After “everything that you’ve done” he doesn’t want to hear “I’m sorry”.

And the part that REALLY resonates with me is the line: “At least I can say I tried”…. I got that one when I finally stopped taking him back after the 6th time he went back and forth between me and OW. (I know…. six times…. this was before I found CL). Poor sad sausage could now finally tell everyone that it was my fault that we weren’t back together.

But that last line in the song is true: it clearly does NOT tear me apart anymore.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
4 years ago
Reply to  kharless73

Powerful post !

brit
brit
4 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

If Only for One Night- Luther Vandross

Captain Chumpy Chumperton
Captain Chumpy Chumperton
4 years ago
Reply to  brit

“Everything Good is Bad” – JJ Grey & Mofro

brit
brit
4 years ago

“Would I Lie To You?” -Eurythmics

Ex’s response when I asked if he was cheating.

Madge
Madge
4 years ago
Reply to  brit

Check out “Thorn In My Side.” Also Eurythmics.

WonderNoMore
WonderNoMore
4 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

“I’m aware that you’ve been cheatin’ but nobody makes me feel the way that you do -upside down, boy you turn me—” Blaghhhh!!! I heard this over the speakers at the grocery shopping. I never liked the song but never really noticed how disturbed it was.

Ivebeencheated
Ivebeencheated
4 years ago
Reply to  WonderNoMore

I know !! I just heard that song in the grocery store… I had to just leave ????

Logo65
Logo65
4 years ago
Reply to  WonderNoMore

The Pina Coloda song makes me ragey. 🙂

Happily Free
Happily Free
4 years ago
Reply to  Logo65

Same! I first paid attention to the verses while driving this summer… almost threw up in my van.

LearningNotToDance
LearningNotToDance
4 years ago
Reply to  Happily Free

I have ALWAYS hated that song. Cheater loved it. Should have been my first clue….

Why Not
Why Not
4 years ago

It can work the other way around too – I’ve always thought Phil Collins was pretty naff but now I hear “In the Air Tonight” in a new way….. the moment it dawns on you that the relationship is going to end….

So you can wipe off that grin, I know where you’ve been
It’s all been a pack of lies

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  WonderNoMore

“If this is wrong, I don’t want to be right.” What a horrible song!

Chumpity-doo-da
Chumpity-doo-da
4 years ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

But does he love you, like he loves me? Does he think of you when he’s holding me? (Reba). I have to turn that off every time I hear the first note. The Barbara Mandrell song you mentioned too. Bleh.

brit
brit
4 years ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

I recently listened to the words of
Uncle Kracker “Follow Me,”

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

“Where they go….what they do….in their secret hideaway.”

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
4 years ago
Reply to  WonderNoMore

Yes – “respectfully I say to thee I’m aware that you’re cheating’ I can’t listen to that anymore! Or ‘Run to you’. Ugh.

SupineChump
SupineChump
4 years ago
Reply to  WonderNoMore

All my favorite Aretha Franklin songs ????????
She needed CN!!!

deedee
deedee
4 years ago
Reply to  SupineChump

Upside Down is Diana Ross, not Aretha, but yeah. Some of our faves have not been great advocates for chumps.

Val
Val
4 years ago
Reply to  SupineChump

“You got the paper but i got the man” wtf Jean Knight! Lol some songs are just delirious.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
4 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

A favourite song can feel like such a part of us…..unti it’s not……

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
4 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

“Locke” showcased Tom Hardy’s greatest acting talent. Sadly, it’s about cheating. To hear his son describing the mother vomiting in the bathroom…..horrible.

Attie
Attie
4 years ago

Oh man, I think I’d just have to turn the sound off and stare at that gorgeous face!

SheChump
SheChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Thanks to your comments, I just rented the movie. I can see why it sits with you. I never really saw the guys face much as it was such a dark film and little scenery, adding to the suspense. In one moment, the guy lost everything and all of his family. Very worth watching.

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
4 years ago
Reply to  SheChump

The symbolism at the traffic light. He changed his mind, changed turn signal, then turned the opposite direction. Choices, choices, choices…..No going back.

ClearView
ClearView
4 years ago

SuperDuperChump, “Locke” is a fabulous film. I think about it all the time now and how spot-on both the big picture and tiniest nuances are. Yes, horrible.

jenal30
jenal30
4 years ago

YMBARC if…..cheater tells you, “I can’t believe you are so calm about all this” and you shrug and move out.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  jenal30

Jenal30 indifference is truly the opposite of love. I’m glad you are out.

UXworld
UXworld
4 years ago

YMBARC……when you find yourself counseling another chump, see the look of awe and admiration in his/her eyes, and realize how far you’ve come yourself.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Agreed, yet I still find myself disturbed by how often I have found myself pressed into service concerning this topic in the past four years.

Everything I learned here I make part of a good chump recovery.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Yep! I concur.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Yeah! I did that to my taxi driver the other day. I know because she told another customer of hers that is my friend, that I changed her life. Too bad she doesn’t speak English or I would have sent her to CL and CN.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Thanks UXworld!

❤️

ForwardOnwardUpward
ForwardOnwardUpward
4 years ago

True, true.

SheChump
SheChump
4 years ago

I got – “I can’t believe you are holding so much anger inside about this. (after 2 wks) I worry for you. Meanwhile, I’m doing fine and like everybody.”

Not soon after, the consequences rolled right over top of him and crushed him flat.

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  SheChump

She Chump,

Yeah, I got a variation of this too in the form of why have you changed….My explanation was immediate – “You knew what you were doing. I had no clue so I am in shock because my entire past has suddenly changed.”

They have NO clue at all and do want to skim right over it all as though nothing at all has happened.

The OW dumped the x within a very short time and I think he may be struggling but that ain’t my problem so I don’t worry about it. 🙂 I figure the rest of his life will be spent regretting what he did. He dug a deep, deep hole for himself and has hurt a whole lot of people and he knows it.

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
4 years ago

YMBARC when I stayed strong and I told him I wanted a divorce, through the his tears, his rage, his threats and intimidation, his normal course of action, I felt strong and mighty not giving in and just kept calmly repeating, “No, I want a divorce.” I didn’t take the bait, fight with him or feel bad. It was like I was a different person, and he was just a spoiled baby trying to get his way. I wasn’t afraid of him anymore. It made him so small. Best day of my life.

SupineChump
SupineChump
4 years ago

They really are like children! Juvenile, manipulative behaviors…it’s so good to get clarity and see it for what it is, take control back, and move on with LIFE. ????

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  SupineChump

Yes, just the other day I had the opportunity to see that I do have clarity now where I didn’t before and it was amazing/shocking.

Amazing = me not taking the ‘bait’ and going grey rock without being conscious that that was my ‘natural’ response to him while he was trying to reel me in.

Shocking = seeing what a masterful manipulator he is; how easily he lied and then gaslighted/blameshifted without batting an eye. Giddy because I saw it for what it was and him for who he is and was for so many years when I didn’t see it. He is a TFC so I always believed HIM and second-guessed myself but NOT THIS TIME!

Not at meh yet but now I feel like there really, truly is hope 🙂

After any kind of contact it takes me several days to shake it off. Luckily we do not have contact often because children are grown so it only happens when he crashes through my boundary of NC and I have to re-establish it. I am still at ‘3 steps over and then you are out’. Working to the day that when he does it the first time I come down instantly but he is sly in how he crosses over so I usually don’t recognize it until he has stepped over a second time. Third time I know I have ‘got it’ and I do take action.

NewChump
NewChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Elderly Chump

Elderly Chump, you will soon get it first time! I became much more alert to his sneaky habitual boundary violating after this: when dropping off our son after visits he parked first on the street, then on the drive, then up near the front door, then got out of the car, then was on the other side of the car near my front door … I was wondering why I was feeling so hemmed in and uncomfortable in my own home – until I realised he was working his way in typical boundary-busting fashion up to the door and would one day manipulate my son into letting him in when I wasn’t there sometime. So I stopped that sh*t, now I do all pick ups and drop offs from kerbside at his house. I also told him if he came past the property line of my house again I would call the cops. Now totally NC, no email no phone, just a shared calendar for son’s arrangements. Sooooo liberating. and when my son is 18 in a year, that’s it, nil, nada, nothing.

Meow Mix
Meow Mix
4 years ago

No matter what cheaterpants is doing, you see him as the inmaturity of a two year old having a temper tantrum (and that’s being unkind to two year olds). You don’t see cheaterpants as a potential mate or even friend. Not a peer.

SupineChump
SupineChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Meow Mix

“Not a peer” …exactly right. That’s a great way to put it.

WonderNoMore
WonderNoMore
4 years ago

YMBARC when you often have random moments where it pops in your head “thank God I am not married to him anymore, this is awesome!”

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
4 years ago
Reply to  WonderNoMore

EVERY DAY!!!!

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  WonderNoMore

Yes, I am experiencing that now too! Amazing compared to where I was a year ago. I also am one who would have stayed forever but luckily he moved out on his own and wanted to divorce ASAP. Tore me up at the time now I am soooo grateful it all turned out the way it did.

Free at last and I didn’t even know I wasn’t free. Silly me, I thought I was happily married. (He is a master manipulator/liar.)

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  WonderNoMore

I keep having those moments! I often say, “Thank God he dumped me!” Stupidly I would probably have stayed still trying to save my marriage had he not deserted me. Maybe not. But Thank God he dumped me!!

littlesigns
littlesigns
4 years ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

Oh hell yes! This! It is the best gift he could have ever given me. I would have stayed, and stayed, and stayed. I would have stayed because I took my vows seriously. I am so glad he said he wanted out! (with his sad sausage tears). I didn’t even know everything that was going on until after he moved out. I’m so thankful he’s gone, gone, gone.

Fern
Fern
4 years ago
Reply to  littlesigns

Same here

brit
brit
4 years ago
Reply to  Fern

Same, he wanted something different, failing to mention he had already found his “something different.”
I would have stayed, stayed, stayed, like a good Chump.
Making excuses, lowering the bar, disregarding my boundaries, shrugging things off to avoid a confrontation.
While he became more and more of a pompous ass.

ForwardOnwardUpward
ForwardOnwardUpward
4 years ago
Reply to  WonderNoMore

Yes, love these moments!!!

Attie
Attie
4 years ago
Reply to  WonderNoMore

Those moments played on a never ending loop for the longest time.

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
4 years ago

YMBARC if you have mastered the selective art of not giving a fuck. It’s very freeing.

Mandie101
Mandie101
4 years ago

…. Laugh at attention seeking shit they do and no longer take it personally.

Sue
Sue
4 years ago

YAMBARC when…you realize you haven’t thought about the lies, the humiliation, the ‘lost’ possibilities, the OW, the credit card debt (in his name), and all the related entrails, in an hour. Then a day. Then a week. Sadly, the hurt remains in my kid’s eyes – so that’s always a reminder. Finding ways forward for her is the biggest part of the recovery process for me. I’m not fully there yet, but I’m my mission is clear. Thank you, CN!

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
4 years ago
Reply to  Sue

((((Sueandyourlittlegirl)))
YOU are an awesome, MIGHTY, Mom!
????

chumpdownunder69
chumpdownunder69
4 years ago

Giving him 1/2 hour to pack his things and gtfo after a friend told me she saw him making out with someone at a dinner party at our place one time.
He’s now homeless and jobless and I’m lawyering up.

Attie
Attie
4 years ago

Wow – homeless and jobless. He did well for himself didn’t he! Well done you!

chumpdownunder69
chumpdownunder69
4 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Thanks. After 10 months sucking on that Hopiun pipe & bring in the marriage police I’ve finally realised that he’s a narcissist. Just much better at covering up his shitty personality than most of them. He left a clone phone behind that I was monitoring while in the marriage police & I saw he was already trying to hook up with former lovers. It hurt to see I could so easily be replaced after 14 years of love bombing. That in itself made me see that he truly sucks.

GonnaBeOK
GonnaBeOK
4 years ago

YMBARC when he texts “can I come home now?” And you respond “not while I’m living here. It’s time we divorce” and then not respond when he says “I will cry every day forever “ But you giggle to yourself because he sounded like he tried to quote Chief Joseph . . . no, dude. I will fight no more forever. Reached Meh.

SupineChump
SupineChump
4 years ago

YMBARC if you run into an old mutual friend who tells you they saw Mr. Sparkles and other former mutual friends at a social event that he was invited to but you weren’t, and it doesn’t bother you..

I’m not a recovered chump. 🙁

Captain Chumpy Chumperton
Captain Chumpy Chumperton
4 years ago
Reply to  SupineChump

Me neither, SC. Like Amiisfree said, we all get there in our own time. 🙂

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
4 years ago
Reply to  SupineChump

Yet.

We all get there in our time. Until then, let the RCs be your hope. ????

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago

YMBARC if you set boundaries with fucking everybody. I will not tolerate disrespect. That is right. Not even from you, Mom. Not from you, dear sisters. Not at all from you, BFF of twenty years.

I will be treated with the same kindness and respect I offer to others. Don’t like that? Ask me if I care? This process is truly liberating. I’ve discovered who loves me.

chumpupthevolume
chumpupthevolume
4 years ago

THIS! I was gaslighted not just by the cheater, but by family who tried to convince me that I was the problem, not the emotionally abusive FW. Nobody will ever get the chance to do that to me again.
I’m far from recovered from the pain of being chumped, but I’m certainly recovered from the chumpiness of allowing disrespectful treatment. If people don’t respect me or my boundaries, they are not my people and they can piss off.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
4 years ago

High five!

Its hard to realize how the people who claimed to love you treated you and how it set you up to find all the cheater’s manipulations normal. Draw those boundaries and revel in the sanity that is not putting up with disrespect! Keep moving forward!

karenb6702
karenb6702
4 years ago

I want to be like you
I hope one day I get there ❤️

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  karenb6702

Karenb6972, I imagine you are a lot like me. I’ve read your posts and have just cried for your confusion and heartbreak. You have come so far in so little time. I cried myself sick for months, I’ve lost three pant sizes in the four months since I took the dog and walked out of my beautiful house. I played pick- me for years, tolerated abuse for years, until I found Chump Lady and Chump Nation. I tried so hard to stay married until my kick-ass therapist helped me see past the anxiety and depression to the cause of those emotions. The truth is he had left me years ago, he just didn’t tell me.

I left and he has only texted me to demand that I sign away my rights to his pensions and any spousal support. He has his ho worker and much younger side chick. It has nearly ended me that he didn’t love me. I thought about ending my life. I was in agony. He didn’t care.

I think we are probably very much alike. I was a good wife. I was devoted and concerned for him. I pampered him like a big, fat baby. I willingly bathed him, powdered his toes. I made sure he took his medications.. I’m sure you were a good wife. I loved that man. He didn’t love me.

I didn’t do anything to deserve what he did to me. I think we are alike in that too. There is nothing you did to deserve his betrayal.

Karenb6972, you got this girl. You really do.

JellybeanMom
JellybeanMom
4 years ago

THIS a billion times. We were conditioned to accept this type of treatment from those that were supposed to actually love and protect us from the start.

My mother and her “boyfriend” were here helping me move this past weekend. He is and always has been the biggest asshole I have ever met, and that includes XH. He is on the max dosage of several antipsychotics (manic depressive), with a serious Borderline disorder, on top of a serious hearing (and listening) problem.

My mother has always chosen her MEN before her kids. Always. Her coworkers once commented that it was years before they knew she even had any, with 2 Grandkids to boot. But they sure as shit knew everything about the boyfriend(s). She us a top rate Cheater as well.

I needed help moving across country and she offered. I keep them at arm’s length and have lived 3200 miles from them for years as a result. I wanted to come back to the east coast and she offered help.

Lasted 15 minutes. He arrived with case in hand and demanded that she take us out to dinner. She pays for everything. He hates dogs so she tells me that my dog cannot approach him in his own house. he proceeds to sit on my couch literally with his hands hooked behind his head, legs splayed and watches us bust our asses unpacking boxes, putting up blinds and curtains, and painting.

Every 15 minutes he tells us that he is hungry…no STARVING….and we have to
stop and make him dinner. Then he starts the comments about how he would never live “in a place ike this” (an upscale townhouse community of mostly professional retirees). Then he starts with telling me that I “have to” figure out the one dead switch on the wall and I “have to” tell the landlord to fix this and that and something else minor. He obsesses about the one car that passed overnight and he woke up (i moved from busy west coast city of 5 million to small upstate NY village).

All the while my mother listening to him demean and make degrading remarks plus sitting and not doing one thing to help.

I said to her, “I don’t like how disrespectful he is and I want him to either help out or you guys really need to consider letting me do the rest of this alone”. My diplomatic self in action. How she trained me to react. Never hold her feet to the fire…STAND UP FOR ME.

Two days of it and I flipped out when we were driving to Lowes for blinds. He leans over the backseat and says to her….”I want to eat. When are we eating. I am STARVING” (after shoveling 4 plates full of food in every night at my expense—expensive shrimp and steak dinners where we got one small portion and he literally ate the entire dinner for 4 himself)

I slammed on the brakes after she turned to me calmly and said we had to make the detour RIGHT NOW to make sure he was properly fed at Panera. …and told her that we were turning around RIGHT NOW and they were packing their shit and leaving.

RIGHT NOW.

He never said a word the whole ride home. Not one. No apology, no recognition that he had fucked up…nothing. And she sat there griping that I was “making her pay” for doing nothing but trying to help me. How UNGRATEFUL.

We got home and they packed their shit. SHE loaded everything in HER car. He sat in the front seat and the car and said nothing but I could see the smirk.

He was HAPPY. He has done this for 28 years. But SHE has allowed and encouraged it. She talkes smack about us kids to him and then plays one against the other….who loves her the best???? DANCE PRETTY FOR ME!!! He competes because he has a mental illness and inaccurate information. We compete because she is our fucking MOTHER and we should have her full support.

She tried one last time to guilt me into saying I was sorry for telling him he is a lazy fucking leech and to get the fuck out of my house (yes. I finally unloaded after 28 years of this shit)

I didn’t.

I am a recovering Chump. And I think my Tuesday was really actually on a Tuesday. I set boundaries and I feel absolutely nothing but peace after doing so.

It may not have been with cheater XH…but it was with cheater liar parent.

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
4 years ago

Yes – “respectfully I say to thee I’m aware that you’re cheating’ I can’t listen to that anymore! Or ‘Run to you’. Ugh.

Magneto
Magneto
4 years ago

YMBARC – If your x emails you with some nonsense, instead of reading it, you forward his current email address to “Your car’s extended warranty” service inquiry center.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
4 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Ha! I throw all credit offers and garbage like that with his name on it, unshredded, out into the world hoping karma whacks him and someone steals his identity. He has never lived in this house and I deeply resent getting crap like that with his name on it.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
4 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Lol. I still get calls for a car I traded in over a year ago. It is definitely annoying.

Mighty miss
Mighty miss
4 years ago

YMBARC when the mediator after 10 minutes comes in the room and says your husband is a pathological liar! My reply- Ya think????? So nice to be validated and know you are not crazy! and when you use the app on your phone Our Family Wizard and your ex is behaving like an angel because your Lawyer has access to your account- then you say to yourself YOU DANCE MOTHER FUCKER – HOW DOES IT FEEL??????
Not recovered yet but feel sane again!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
4 years ago
Reply to  Mighty miss

This has me in a fit of giggles, that’s how wonderful it is!

freed_chump
freed_chump
4 years ago

YMBARC when you tell every other chump you meet to leave, because it’s SO much better.

WaitingForTuesday
WaitingForTuesday
4 years ago
Reply to  freed_chump

Yes!!!! I won’t sugar coat it for any new chumps, and I also won’t take it on myself if you decide to stay either. This is progress!!

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
4 years ago
Reply to  freed_chump

This is me too!

Adelante
Adelante
4 years ago

I packed up to leave Chumpdom when, acting out of self-respect and in stealth mode, I saw a lawyer and looked at apartments.

I fully left Chumpdom when I realized I’d been selling myself short not just in my marriage, but in almost all areas of my life, undervaluing myself, cutting myself off at the knees, and calling it generosity or helpfulness or turn-the- other cheek-ness.

I’ve become a fierce advocate of reciprocity and setting and enforcing boundaries. This didn’t come easy. With my now ex, I needed the weight of the law in my state behind me to help me in order to demand more in the settlement. I was petrified before going into that meeting, but although he petulantly stuck out his bottom lip, and then raged–he gave in!

Now setting and enforcing boundaries has become my main effort in un-chumping myself, building self-respect and self-confidence.

Because I recently retired, I have recently become the sibling on call to help my 93-year-old mother, the person who trained me for chumpdom, when my sister, who had been living with her for a year, moved back home. This required a temporary move to her state. I do feel an obligation to help my mother, and I am in a position to be able to help out.

However, I made clear the conditions under which I would help her. I told her that I hadn’t just spent the last year and a half getting out of a 35-year marriage to a serial-cheating, fetish cross-dresser and then retiring only to move into her back bedroom (and was incredibly fortunate to find a house-sitting gig very near my mother). I made it clear I have to have a life of my own. I set boundaries around the length of time I would help, the amount of time I would be available each day to help her, the tasks I will be available to help with. I also stipulated I needed some financial reciprocity, as although I was fortunate to find a house-sitting gig near my mother, I continue to pay rent on my apartment back home. This was hard for me to do, but I knew it was the best way to avoid resentment on my part.

I’m a work in progress, but each time I’ve spoken up for myself, I feel stronger and more confident–and less likely to beat myself up afterwards as a selfish person.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

Adelante, you are not selfish. You are taking care of Little Adelante. It helps me to pretend I am caring for the vulnerable little Thirtythreeyearsachump. I can fiercely advocate for any child, even if that child is me.

Adelante
Adelante
4 years ago

Thank you all for your support here, and, 33 Years a Chump, I like that way of looking at things–advocating for myself as if mothering myself.

The woman who lives next door to me said she wouldn’t have put her life on hold to move away and care for her mother, and I told her my own mother hadn’t done it for her mother, either.

I’m so glad that I stipulated going in how long I would be willing to fill this role, and Chump Lady and Chump Nation gets the credit for my learning to set healthier boundaries.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

Adelante, I am caring for my mother too. She is so mean and hateful. So I work extra hard making sure Little Thirtythreeyearsachump is protected.

I know I will never have her approval. I know she will continue to criticize and attempt to demean me. I don’t need her validation. She has lost her power over me.

Thank You Adelante, Chump Nation and Chump Nation. I’m becoming the Thirtythreeyearsachump I was meant to be.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
4 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

This is mighty indeed. I also live close to and help my elderly and difficult mother, so I know how draining and stressful it can be.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
4 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

That sounds appropriate, Adelante. Keep your eye on her, they always try to creep back to using and dominating! I hope this works for you, and boundaries stay in place. I cared for my father, and there was that constant creep, creep. He was shocked I didn’t do whatever he told me!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
4 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

I remember a number of years ago Ex’s grandfather came to stay with us for a few days. He expected our nanny, hired to look after our children, to play nursemaid to him. I discovered this when I got home and she was helping him in the bathroom. I took over for her and apologized later. She also got a bonus that week. Good nannies are hard to find and I didn’t want to lose mine.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
4 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

Mighty!

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Elderly Chump, he dug that hole all by his little lonesome self. I’m glad you see it isn’t your problem.

Figuring out how to “stay in my lane” has been liberating to me. I continue to evaluate is this my problem. It is amazing how many things are not my problem.

Cuzchump
Cuzchump
4 years ago

When I finally realized that I can’t or won’t stay with a cheater because I am afraid of losing everything. That I can’t be afraid of disappointing people. I thought that I would disappoint my children. Was afraid my animals would be homeless. I got mighty and bought out his share. My horses still have their home. And my children and grandchildren can still come home. I was not the one who disappointed anyone. My ex chose to cheat with my cousin. He truly disappointed his family.

CCH
CCH
4 years ago

YMBARC when he threatens repeatedly to not pay his half for your daughter’s college anymore and you reply, “that’s your choice…and one final thing we don’t have to talk about since we’re not married anymore.” (What!?! No contact eminent?? Losing control… must shift from rage to charm or pity, stat!) He paid on time 🙂 Back to the drawing board, asshat.

SeeingRed
SeeingRed
4 years ago
Reply to  CCH

YMBARC if your stbx wants to get back together yet again and you finally have the mightiness to ask him “what’s in it for ME?”
And in disbelief he responds like a child throwing a temper tantrum. And he cannot hide that he was planning all for himself and for you to get absolutely nothing.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
4 years ago

YMBARC if he looks at you with sad sausage eyes and asks you what he should do to make this better and instead of telling him what you need to help you recover and heal, you simply say “You can leave. You have no value here any more.”

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Woohoo!

Happily Free
Happily Free
4 years ago

I have received a ton of counseling and support from church which set me on a path to healing and cleaning out my head of all the crap he had dumped in there. It seems a lot of you have had bad interactions with Christians over divorce, and I’m sorry to hear that. Coming from a youth pastor’s wife whose husband cheated and kicked her out, I can attest that we are not all the same. There are hypocrites and phonies everywhere you go. The church is no exception. But I keep the blame where it lies, with the cheating hypocrite, not on God or church or Christians, for I would not be where I am today without the support from these 3.

I began to recover from being a chump though when I cut all communication to email, then after divorced, no contact but for kids’ necessary discussion. He was mad because he wanted to discuss our terms over the phone. At the time I had not heard the term “no contact” but I knew I would not preserve my sanity through the divorce by talking to him. I knew he would lie, change his mind, forget, try to get things in his favor. He still did this in email anyway, so when we went to mediation, I had a record of him constantly changing what he agreed to and got 95% of my initial demands.

Another way I recovered was when I realized that by making sure his needs were met, the kids and I went without.
I was in charge financially of our accounts but he had a separate account with direct deposit for his needs. This was while we were working on splitting our finances up prior to filing. He said his bonuses weren’t much and he was struggling that he couldn’t afford so much in support. He tried to hide his pay stubs- said I didn’t need them to figure out child support. (In my state there’s an online calculator that you can get into to figure it out if you have stubs).
It took a few months and informing him of the information to be subpoenaed before I got the stubs and realized how much money he was hiding.
He did not like that his child support and alimony numbers went up. He did not like that I filed taxes separate and claimed the kids.
He accused me of not caring about him and whined and cried about his “suffering” to all his family, girlfriends and even our kids.
Honestly, it’s not that I don’t care about him. As my kids’ father, what happens to him affects them, so in some wAys, I do care about him.
But where my recovery took flight was in realizing that his needs were IRRELEVANT in light of our kids’ needs.

That is, I think, the biggest word for me.
Whether good or bad happens to him, whether he understands or doesn’t, however consequences affect him… does not matter to me because
He is now IRRELEVANT to my life.

Send me the check so I can provide for the kids…
Other than that, stay out of my life.

His anger is not my anger. His circus is not my circus.

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Happily Free

Thank you for sharing. ‘Irrelevant’ is an excellent word and I hadn’t thought of it until you nailed it above.

I did the same in taking care of his needs first. Took me awhile to put me first too and, in the beginning, it felt like I was betraying him. Took me awhile to wrap my head around the fact that he did discard all of us with his decision to walk out chasing schmoopie….That we were Plan B. Sadly I didn’t bat an eye at being Plan B myself but when I realized kids were Plan B I hit a wall – eyes popped open and I saw the light and learned what Plan B was/is – NO MORE for any of us. He is irrelevant and not even on a plan in my world 🙂

DoneGirl
DoneGirl
4 years ago
Reply to  Happily Free

goals!!!!
thank you for sharing!!!

Amazon chump
Amazon chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Happily Free

Sounds like you figured it all out. Good for you!

DadOfAllDads
DadOfAllDads
4 years ago

When I asked her a question from convo I overheard with AP whilst hiding in back of her car. “Would you rather have a glass of wine in front of log burner, or have one in bed watching TV.”
She took the vehicle and phone into the police station to check if it was bugged!

Poconochump
Poconochump
4 years ago
Reply to  DadOfAllDads

Wait. This made me lol. Where did u hide? That’s pretty pretty pretty stealthy.

DadOfAllDads
DadOfAllDads
4 years ago
Reply to  Poconochump

It was actually an 8 seater minibus. I was on the floor in the back row!

Iwantmyfairytale
Iwantmyfairytale
4 years ago
Reply to  Poconochump

Disclaimer this was not me I just remember reading the story. —-I think this is the one where he pretended to go on a walk ( or karate class?) but instead got in the back of her car way back there, and rode along with her to meet her schmoopie. Cheater and OM were in the car together with chump in the back. Brilliant detective work, and what a mighty chump he was!! But myself I would be afraid my cries and snickers and raging breathing would have given me away.

I’m sure we’d all like to hear this story told again!!!

DadOfAllDads
DadOfAllDads
4 years ago

The best bit, when she unknowingly drove me back home, she locked her handbag in the minibus (with me) so I wouldn’t have access to it in the house! Perfect opportunity to discover some paperwork and spare skimpy knickers.
I gave it 5 mins then got out of the minibus which set off the alarm. d’oh!. Ran down the street to my own car and drove back ‘from class’ to find her in the driveway in pyjamas with a glass of wine as though she’d been home all along.

Attie
Attie
4 years ago
Reply to  DadOfAllDads

Ha ha! That’s a good one!

Adelante
Adelante
4 years ago
Reply to  DadOfAllDads

You actually repeated back to her what she’d said to her AP (or he’d said to her)? Awesome!

WaitingForTuesday
WaitingForTuesday
4 years ago
Reply to  DadOfAllDads

Hahaha!!

livefortoday2
livefortoday2
4 years ago

No tag backs schmooopie wife! FT is ALL YOURS NOW! Yep, recovered.

Shannon
Shannon
4 years ago

When I blocked him from calling or texting me while at work or right before I went to bed. And then again when I blocked him from calling or texting me entirely. And then again when he sent me a list of four options for giving him what he wanted but numbered them 1, 2, 3 and 3. I told him the next time he makes a list he may want to get help from a Kindergartener because they can usually count to four correctly and he obviously cannot.

Iwantmyfairytale
Iwantmyfairytale
4 years ago
Reply to  Shannon

Tee hee

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Shannon

Good for you!

Kara
Kara
4 years ago

YMBARC IF you find out about his hidden girlfriend, he says it “just didn’t come up in conversation” and you tell him it’s probably because he didn’t bring it up, you tell him to leave you alone forever, and block him on all forms of social media immediately.

YMBRC IF it’s Tuesday, and you go to block your ex on Instagram, but you get so distracted by cool nail polish swatches you follow three new nail pages, sign off Insta, and forget why you were on it in the first place.

YMRBC IF you have saved enough money to pay for EMT school, in full, and you’re going to register and pick up your student packet this Saturday and you remember how your ex said you don’t know what hard work means and you are a horrible, selfish freeloader, but you’re about to start a new career on the path toward becoming a firefighter and you happen to know for a fact his career (which he said was going nowhere because of you) utterly failed and he works at an Apple store now. XD

Iwantmyfairytale
Iwantmyfairytale
4 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Oh yes! Payback is a bitch. These are good

Sydneychump
Sydneychump
4 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Damn Kara, that last one is awesome – go you?

Kara
Kara
4 years ago
Reply to  Sydneychump

Thanks. That one really does make me feel mighty. When he left me, I was stuck in an apartment I couldn’t afford, with a job I took for the sake of survival (in an industry I had never even heard of as a thing) in an isolated area literally 90 minutes away from anyone I knew. I didn’t even have furniture. I had a bed, a table, and a dresser. That place almost ate me alive. When I got out, I had $35 to my name. October 8th will actually be the 3rd anniversary of when I stood on a bridge over the Chicago river and decided not to jump.

Now I have $2k saved to pay for my EMT program all at once, I’m about to pay off my credit card completely, and enough money to buy a PS4 new.

PS4 isn’t really on the “need” list, but I want it. It’s one of those I’m Doing This For Me things.

Kara
Kara
4 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Got my student packet and books for EMT school today…class starts October 8th.

Huh…

Well look at that…

Attie
Attie
4 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Ya see, your “higher power” had other plans for you on October 8th. You rock girl!

karenb6702
karenb6702
4 years ago
Reply to  Kara

You rock and I’m so glad you never jumped ????????????

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  karenb6702

Kara, I am glad you stayed. I considered ending my life. He would have liked that. So I found a therapist who didn’t want to blame me for his choices. Now I tell my friends and family if I turn up a suicide he did it. I won’t give him the satisfaction.

I love knowing you have reclaimed your life.

Kara
Kara
4 years ago

I therapist asked me what made me not do it, and I didn’t really have an answer back then when she first posed the question.

Now, I can say it was I wanted to see what the other side looked like. What would I, my life, and the rest of the world look like when the pain stopped.

Even if the thing keeping you alive is just sheer curiosity of what next year looks like, then keep going.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  karenb6702

I second it. I’m so glad you never jumped. I also thought about suicide. Now I’m flabbergasted that I ever considered dying because of a DICK!!!

MissBailey
MissBailey
4 years ago
Reply to  Kara

YMBARC when you can speak his name and talk about the divorce without dissolving into a snotty blubbering mess.

YMBARC when he’s the not the first thing you think in the morning and he’s not the last.

YMBARC when you realize you are really and truly moving forward.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  MissBailey

MissBailey, I cried myself sick before, during and after I left him. I was the one who moved out and filed. But I sobbed myself sick on a daily basis. I’ve lost three pant sizes in the four months since I left.

I can talk about him without sobbing most of the time now. I can wear mascara again. I cried off the waterproof. I don’t want to think about him at all. I just want my divorce and spousal maintenance. I am slowly reclaiming my life.

I read your posts and think you must be a dear and gentle soul. Thank you for sharing your YMBRC.

I’m on the Road to Meh, paved by fellow chumps.

IrishChump
IrishChump
4 years ago
Reply to  MissBailey

This! Absolutely.

When you start dating again because you realize there are still good men out there! And you can’t wait to find a person who sees the treasure that is you.

MissBailey
MissBailey
4 years ago

YMBARC when you can speak his name and talk about the divorce without dissolving into a snotty blubbering mess.

YMBARC when he’s the not the first thing you think in the morning and he’s not the last.

YMBARC when you realize you are really and truly moving forward.

Iwantmyfairytale
Iwantmyfairytale
4 years ago
Reply to  MissBailey

The biggest step I have made is the first day I realized I didn’t think about him first thing in the morning. It was about a week ago. I woke up thinking about work and the things I needed to do that day. Some of the patients came to mind.

It’s a huge step forward for all chumps, just to get a moments peace from the hamster wheel. He popped into my head about 2 minutes later, and I cried with the realization he was not the first thing on my mind that day. I knew I had crossed a threshold.

Check this out——. I found the schmoopie’s Instagram page and it’s filled with posts about MY HUSBAND. Lol and she calls him with a hashtag #mycheater. (Full in FW name substituted for cheater). My cheater!!! Ha lol he’s actually my husband, but I digress. He’s my soon to be x husband but at the time he was my husband until you posted all over Instagram that he was YOUR xxxxx. Anyway. She actually posted a screenshot of a text to her and I quote. “Just know That i love you. I want the best for you. I want you to be safe and happy. You help me wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night. A kiss on the neck from me to you”. Fucking barf. What I’m saying is that she is the first thing on his mind when he wakes up in the morning. Knowing this has propelled me to meh faster than any counseling, soul searching and desire could ever accomplish. I trust this asshole sucks big time. And I think it is what helped my subconscious not think of him first thing in the morning. He does not deserve my headspace in the bright morning

Sydneychump
Sydneychump
4 years ago

In legal arbitration STBXW noted that “because the house purchase etc was so long ago and this was arranged in short notice, no evidence can be produced. We will have to go on trust…”

STBXW initiated the arbitration unexpectedly within a two week period.

Immediately after she said that, I pulled out a decade’s worth of bank statements all with useful highlights and notes. I had simply asked our old bank for them and got them the next day.

They proved that her whole premise for the division of house equity and finances was utter BS, and she floundered like crazy.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Sydneychump

They really aren’t as smart as they think they are.

WaitingForTuesday
WaitingForTuesday
4 years ago
Reply to  Sydneychump

I love turning the tables on these fuckwits!!

Jeff
Jeff
4 years ago

Last Monday, Labor Day felt like almost Tuesday out at the lake with my kids. I had been preping my autistic son to go play on floating water playground with three previous trips to the lake. The first trip I had to chase him down the beach and calm him down from hitting himself and yelling.

Monday when we went to swim out to the floating play ground. I said “It’s going to be an adventure” He replied forcefully, “No it’s not.” All went well. He had fun and even his sister, who has difficulty dealing with his autism, played well with him. On the way back “I said was that an adventure?” He replied with enthusiasm, “That was a great adventure.”

Previously doing things with the kids has been emotionally difficult not being a complete family. This time I did not feel any of that. I was glad she wasn’t there. She has always destroyed the moments with her contolling since day 1. I felt good even a little schadenfreude. She missed an incredible moment. Not that a narcissist like her can really appreciate it anyway.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
4 years ago
Reply to  Jeff

What a uplifting post Jeff!
Way to go!
YOU are Mighty!

Teddy
Teddy
4 years ago
Reply to  Jeff

Reading this made my day. Thanks, Jeff. #superdad

Tall One
Tall One
4 years ago
Reply to  Jeff

Attaway Jeff!
From one dad to another.. You’ve got this.

BTW –> my therapist is named Jeff and my awesome dog is also a Jeff. Both are amazing. Sometimes dog Jeff is also the therapist.

YMBA(working-on)RC when you are really thinking hard about how the backyard deck is gonna get built; what kind of cement to use and where to put the stairs and maybe you’ll paint it, maybe you’ll stain it, but what color, then would you make a bench? And should that be incorporated into the design and you dont even think about xw but if you do it feels more and more like an old memory. But anyways, you haven’t ever built a deck before so, its really fun to think about.

I’m learning “Tuesday’ isn’t a on/off switch like I did newly chumped, but instead a dimmer that brightens slowly over time.

Mac1234
Mac1234
4 years ago
Reply to  Jeff

Well done Jeff! Keep it up.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Jeff

Wonderful! I’m so happy for you and your family!

EstellaO
EstellaO
4 years ago

I have two (and more!) —

YMBARC if you kick him out of the house, change the locks, and stand by unmoved as he cycles through six months of suicide threats, breakdowns, spirals of sadness, and rage. Your mental health and well-being, Cheater, are not my job. You made your bed, now lay in it.

Then, after the discard, YMBARC if you go out to dinner, and later find out Cheater had eaten in the same restaurant, at the same time, nearby where you were seated… and you never noticed.

Iwantmyfairytale
Iwantmyfairytale
4 years ago
Reply to  EstellaO

Wow your spider sense did not even go off with him near by.

deedee
deedee
4 years ago

The first time I got mighty was when I didn’t call him out on an egregiously shitty thing he did. I’m sure he was expecting me to chew him out for his deliberate act of assholery, but I didn’t. Didn’t say a word because the coin finally dropped that my protests were a total waste of time.

It was the first time I realized that getting angry at him for being an inconsiderate ass — and thereby giving him ammunition for his confirmation bias that I am a shrill, judgmental, critical bitch — was merely keeping me engaged with him and maintaining his centrality. From that moment on, I went pretty much Grey Rock and didn’t react to his lies, gaslighting, and narcissistic bullshit. And when conditions were such that I was finally able to walk out of his life, going full-on No Contact was a breeze.

Recognizing that there was nothing to work with was the first step to taking back my power and rebuilding my mightiness. I’ve been NC for 3 and a half years now, and to be honest, I’m still not sure he ever noticed I’m gone. LOL.

LimboChump
LimboChump
4 years ago
Reply to  deedee

deedee- Your comments put into words what I had begun to do. It’s not worth it to engage with someone who’s not trustworthy. Each time I don’t engage, I do feel more powerful. I’m hoping to get out soon, because now I’m seeing that he is ok with less interaction also, & then he actually gets more cake: a marriage with no hassle. I have no proof at this point of him continuing with online sex & he’s not traveling for business anymore. I don’t know of any AP or OW. My hesitation is still with taking a HUGE hit financially so close to retirement. I am so afraid of making a mistake & then having to beg for money from someone. There are days I feel mightier, like I am a baby crawling, & other days I don’t feel worthy of even posting on this blog! I’m still in limbo but still reading here every day.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
4 years ago
Reply to  LimboChump

((((LimboChump)))
Somehow the reply post I wrote to you entered up above ( a dozen or so post from the beginning of this archive)
Not sure how I did that. I hope this makes some sense, not very techy, sorry.

ChumpMeTwice
ChumpMeTwice
4 years ago
Reply to  deedee

Exactly this. Truth be told, I didn’t really grasp how necessary it is to adopt this approach until I was in family court yesterday with XH for a show cause hearing (he owes me $1K+ in back child support, because of course he does). Instead of taking my usual approach of reminding him of what a deadbeat he is prior to the hearing, I just let the referee do it for me, in front of a room packed with other deadbeats, one of whom was hauled off to jail in handcuffs while we were sitting there (I believe that’s when all color drained from XH’s face and he started wiping his sweaty palms on his pants). As the referee calmly told my ex that he’d be recommending incarceration if ex doesn’t pay me what he owes within 30 days, I said nothing other than affirming that in addition to ignoring his support obligation he’s also failed to contribute to any other spending associated with his children. And then got to watch the referee shut him down as soon as he started whining that he doesn’t make enough money to pay support. I stayed silent as we left the hearing room, and when I walked out of court he was standing in line for the cashier.

Honestly, I felt like I won a battle, even though I didn’t do anything other than show up. I’ve spent so long internalizing XH’s version of me (controlling, nagging harpy shrew) that it was incredibly liberating to see an outside party berate him for exactly the same stuff I would confront him with on the regular (and that he would dismiss as more annoying harpy-shrew bullshit). And then to watch him express contrition and look ashamed (all false, I’m sure, but false contrition is still more than I’ve gotten from him since we’ve been divorced). I’m not the crazy one! Hooray!

DoneGirl
DoneGirl
4 years ago
Reply to  ChumpMeTwice

that is spectacular. sometimes i get in this spot of, is it me. your scenario is awesome. nope. not me. him.

deedee
deedee
4 years ago
Reply to  ChumpMeTwice

Love it, ChumpMeTwice! You always win the battle when you don’t react. Indifference is a powerful tool.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  ChumpMeTwice

Wonderful! Crow about it all you want.

Foolmoitwice
Foolmoitwice
4 years ago
Reply to  deedee

DeeDee – this is so good. I have kept my mouth shut for so long and reminded myself that it was just him being him. But sometimes the disrespect is tough to ignore. Thanks for the reminder to just move on and don’t react to his behavior. Can’t wait til he shows this same self to schmoopie. I know – not quite at meh yet, lol.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
4 years ago
Reply to  deedee

This is a beautiful lesson.

Mandie101
Mandie101
4 years ago

… Try as you might, you just can’t give a fcku about cheater.

Ruggermom
Ruggermom
4 years ago

On my way to recovery:

Ex: could I live in your basement (I got the house in D) and I will pay you rent.

Me: won’t that make you feel awkward?

Ex: not at all. I will be here during the week to help around the house, and with OW on the weekend.

Me: no, I meant when I finally get a REAL man in my bed, you might hear “things”

Ex: ????

Ti
Ti
4 years ago
Reply to  Ruggermom

YES!!

Iwantmyfairytale
Iwantmyfairytale
4 years ago
Reply to  Ruggermom

Tee hee

Twiceachump
Twiceachump
4 years ago
Reply to  Ruggermom

I cry for cake from a fuckwit!! You shut that shot right on down!! Super mighty ????????

karenb6702
karenb6702
4 years ago
Reply to  Ruggermom

This is amazing ???????????? love it

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
4 years ago

YMBARC …. when sparkledick writes you asking to reconcile “because I never thought I would have to divide our assets and never play with our grandchildren together” and you DID NOT EVEN ANSWER…. Or even miss a heartbeat.

Attie
Attie
4 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

So NOW he’s worried about his grandchildren!!! What an asshole. Well done on not answering!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
4 years ago

My ex’s aunt was spending the night at my house last night (she would rather stay with me than him). I walked in on a conversation between her and my daughter. My daughter said “we’re having a conversation about relationships and people who have hurt us.” I responded “I don’t think I need to join that conversation. I am going to go walk the dog. Carry on.” They were both smiling as I walked out the door.

meh.twain
meh.twain
4 years ago

New name: Chumpoutofrecovery

kb
kb
4 years ago

YMBARC if, after 2.5 years of lining up your ducks on the sly, you tell your Cheater that you know that he’s having an affair with Workplace Schmoopie and that you are filing for divorce, only to hear him ask if you are sure about this, you reply that yes, you’ve thought very deeply about it.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  kb

kb, that is awesome. I saved for years. In the back of my mind I thought “This is escape money.” I can escape on vacation or escape this hopeless lopsided marriage. Damned if I didn’t decide to do both!

Newlady15
Newlady15
4 years ago

I’m still working on it. I feel so pathetic. The guy I’m seeing who I now see love bombed me for the first three months to get into my house( he lives in room in his friend’s condo), is about to be confronted. He was caught sexting with another woman while cuddling with me in my house in June, I then cancelled a planned trip to visit his son ( unchumpy). Then he asked for another chance which I gave him( chumpy). He spent the entire summer treating me like his personal housewife–arriving Friday and being served all weekend, not actually taking me on dates–other than a family BBQ and a couple of rides with our motorcycle club. Very chumpy. Then when questioned, told me he “pulled back” from the relationship ( huh, how would staying with me every weekend and sleeping in my bed and eating my food qualify as “pulling back”?). He even took a single female “friend” to the Foreigner concert that he had purchased ticket for us to go to despite the fact that I told him I consider it a date ( hey two single people, its a date in my opinion). I am unchumping myself, better late than never. At least this time I’m dumping the user within 7months instead of the 2 years it took last time. Please help me improve even more. I am trying, really I am. I will allow myself time to grieve as i must, I am just so hurt and feel so stupid. This guy said he loved me, many times. ughhhh!

Zoid
Zoid
4 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Wow, New Lady! This guys sounds exactly like my ex! (Motorcycle club and all!) He lovebombed the girl he cheated on me with and moved in with her soon after I gave birth to our son! it’s so creepy sometimes how similar these guys are.

KB22
KB22
4 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Oooh. Yeah New Lady 15, please dump his ass, like yesterday. The guy is a jerk. Sexting some other woman is really bad but taking someone else to a concert you were originally going to is such a lack of respect. He will try to talk or guilt you out of it, please stand your ground. Take some time for yourself and savor your independence for awhile.

Newlady15
Newlady15
4 years ago
Reply to  KB22

Thank you everyone. I came back to comment and see all of your comments. I working on unchumping myself. I broke up with him last night( by text as we were supposed to go to this bbq together today) he immediately called( he rarely calls) basically I found out everything I told him I neede was turned around and used as punishment. I’m guessing for not going to Calgary but it doesn’t matter. Done and done. His stuff is outside today for him to pick up. Thank you everyone for the 2×4’s I wish I still didn’t need them 4 years after my narc ex left but I’m not quite there.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
4 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Excellent. A solid step to claiming your righteous dignity and not taking crap from anyone. This is how you will get where you want to be.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

NewLady15, I am so proud and happy. You rock! Good on you! Yahooo for you. Boundaries are beautiful!!!

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
4 years ago
Reply to  KB22

Unchumping myself has been a learning curve and it’s get better and better every day.

Decades ago I was dating a hometown boy (yes boy even though he was in his late twenties at the time) after going away to college and living abroad during my twenties. I was struggling since my divorced mother was dying of cancer and I had no help or support from my older narc brother. One of my mother’s friends (theater and dance geek) gave me the heads up on a little show that was opening at the Nederlander after previewing at Dance Theater Workshop in NYC, “Rent”. I told Boy about this and he said “Oh let’s go, I’ll get the tickets !” “Great”.

The date approaches and we talk about getting to the theater from NJ. He asks me who I’m going to bring, who my date is going to be. “What are you talking about ?!” I asked. “Oh I bought four tickets and I have my date” he said .This boy had already done some asinine things,mistreated me and appeared to have a drinking problem so I called him back. “Enjoy the play. I’m not going. What’s wrong with you ?” He balked “What am I supposed to do with the two extra tickets ?!” I responded “That’s not my problem”.

I got tickets for me and my mother who turned out to be a much better date. I feel sorry for this boy’s wife and daughter.

My bullsh*t is finely tuned these days and I walk away very easily when I know I’m being played.

Martha
Martha
4 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Newlady15, you are not stupid. You are a chump who is unchumping yourself. I hope you are seeing what I’m seeing. He’s eating cake with you. He’s using you — housing, food, maid service, free sex. That’s not love. It’s the opposite of love. And men (and women) will tell you “I love you” to get what they want. Drop this user and no more chances! And if he says to you, “I love you” . Replace the word “love” with “use”. I know it hurts, but it’s good your realized a lot earlier than last time. That’s progress! Work on fixing your picker and most importantly work on yourself! Chump Lady has lots of great posts about fixing your picker and “getting a life”. (((HUGS)))

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
4 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

He loves all the stuff you do for him, the users love us chumps.

Want a well-meaning 2×4?

Today is Friday. What about today being the day that it is OVER? That you do not let him plant his ass at your house and in your bed? Let TODAY be your no contact beginning! Be mighty! No explanations needed, not drawn out sad sausage requests for third chances, just be D.O.N.E. You own him nothing.

We are here for you- pipe in on the reddit forum for moment by moment support if needed!

Be your name, NEW LADY! Today.

(hugs)

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
4 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

grr. You OWE him nothing I mean. Got fired up. 😉

Newlady15
Newlady15
4 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

Thanks CN. I am going to talk to him later. I already withdrew the standing invite to stay here, he hasn’t asked about it nor has he made any plans other than the family BBQ and the Club BBQ this saturday. I will be asking what he specifically meant by “pulling back” though I really know the answer. I will instruct him that his stuff that he left in my garage will be outside, he best come and get it before it rains. Keep fingers crossed, I need to be firm and strong with my boundaries. I am an easy target still.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
4 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

I suggest you pull back and go No Contact, the path to the truth and the light.
What do you think you will gain from asking him these questions?
He has already proven with actions that he does not respect or love you.
Stop paying attention to his words and start paying attention to his actions. That’s where it counts. He is a known liar and manipulator. Do you think he will start telling the truth and have actual concerns about you just because you ask a few questions? I think you need to go back to step one of Chump Nation – Trust that he sucks.
Pack his things and text or email him that they will be left outside at a certain time and a certain date and let it go. Do not talk to him to let him manipulate you. It’s harder for them to do that in email or text because you can read it, think about what it says and then read it again to question it. Keep moving forward (away from this cheating loser)

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

I suggest that you do not ask ‘specifically what he meant by “pulling back”‘. That’s his invitation to you to ‘pick-me-dance’. Your absolute best response is no response. Do not go with him to any family BBQ or Club BBQ. Put his stuff outside, tell him it’s outside (and don’t warn him against the chance of rain), and stop all contact with the dick. He’s a dick. Put a note on your mirror that says, “I will have no more dicks in my life.” Put several notes of affirmation on your mirror and around your house until you believe them. Make sure you delete his phone number from your contacts. You sound like you don’t yet realize that you have value and are seeking validation from other people. You need to recognize that you’re a valuable person in your own right and someone would be exceptionally lucky to have you in his life. Until that day comes, the day you love yourself, you’ll be struggling with boundaries. Hugs to you!

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

NewLady15, when you follow the guidance offered by Amazon Chump your life will get better quickly. No contact is so hard at first. Then you start to heal.

NewLady15, read everything you can on this site. Read the archives. Get the book, “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life”. Read that with a highlighter in hand. Get these new ways of thinking and behaving firmly lodged in your betrayed mind. Then start protecting yourself from him and his flying monkeys.

Amazon Chump, I needed this too. Switzerland friends are encouraging me to “be friends” because they love him too. I now have former Switzerland friends. I don’t even feel the need to discuss this with them. I’ll be too busy living my life, cheater and cheater apologist free.

I deserve so much better than I lived with for far too long. NewLady15, you do too. You deserve a wholehearted, Chumpy love, faithful, loving and kind.

Neverknew19
Neverknew19
4 years ago