You Might Be a Recovered Chump If…

How_to_leave_a_cheaterOn the “You Might Be a Chump If” thread, another discussion led by Dat broke out on “chump recovery.” Okay, so you listed all the ways you were dumb in retrospect, but when did you catch on? When did you start enforcing boundaries that  were previously trampled?

You Might Be a Recovered Chump (YMBARC) if… when he tells you he was sleeping in his car, you tell him he’s a liar. (You don’t tell him you found the hotel receipt. A recovered chump never reveals their sources.)

YMBARC if she says “I love you but I’m not in love with you” and… you shrug instead of performing the pick me dance.

YMBARC if your cheater is cake eating and you lawyer up on the sly. Let them think they’ve got you fooled, and then BAM. HellOoo divorce summons.

YMBARC if you speak your truth and resign as cheater PR director.

YMBARC if you bought all new bedding and decorate things just as YOU like them now.

YMBARC if it’s Tuesday and it’s meh.

So tell me your recovered chump moments!

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unicornomore
unicornomore
9 years ago

From my personal “Recovered Chump” file from this weekend:

YMBARC if you give away the brass bed that you and your cheater slept on for 25 years. You took that bad-boy apart and carried it to someones truck without shedding a tear. You turned your back on it and started thinking about what was for dinner.

YMBARC if you read stories from people early in their chumpdom and you cant remember what that felt like anymore.

(similarly) YMBARC if you read about people doing the “pick me” dance and you wish there was a way you could talk them out of it (remembering that your version of the dance was rather elaborate).

YMBARC if you run across OWs email address on an old hard drive you found in the basement and you would not even consider writing to her – meh.

kar marie
kar marie
9 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

YMBARC when ex accuses you of taking his keys off his keyring when he and ow have the only access and you are called a piece of shit, a mother effer and a lying whore and you realize this man who never raised his voice or hand to you in anger in 28 years is the real piece of shit and you just smile and walk away. That felt good. A smiling angry woman is something to fear. My comment was just remember you are the piece of shit mister, not me, I didn’t give the farm away to your whore you did. How’s that feeling right now? Whore offered through him to move me to a rental so they could have my house. Hahaha! Then the bitch realized he was controlling her but not me when I said NOOOOO! Right then I started to recover got a long ways to go but I’mon the right road. Thanks to everyone here!

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
9 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

How do they seem to always find whores with money to help abuse us?

Donna
Donna
9 years ago

Chutes, X’s whore has no money, wears dated clothes, talks like a truck driver, has absolutely no class, has daddy issues, has no friends, is BP, thinks she’s with the band (he’s a wannabe rock star that played alone in the basement for years), and smells like and looks like a dog. Her teeth are gross and her face looks hard like a drug abuser. And on top of those obvious observations she has a anger issues, an arrest record and was a shitty mother. They find someone who is needy and buys into being ‘special’ . I think the OW know the truth. It’s a pretty big shit sandwich to actually believe a man would give up their entire family for a slut fuck. With no kibbles they need to negatively engage with the wife they know is superior in every way.

magicrain
magicrain
9 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

you pity him rather than miss him

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
9 years ago
Reply to  magicrain

yep

MsChump
MsChump
9 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

Yes, pity.

Fireball
Fireball
9 years ago
Reply to  MsChump

Yes, pity is it!

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
9 years ago
Reply to  Fireball

Pity, thrice and for good reason. I think I was attracted to them…and through this website, that side of my brain is in recovery.

The only thing I feel sorry for now in the disordered is a stubbed toe. At least I can confirm that through visual examination.

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

I mean …victims…

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

I save my pity for our children, his ultimate and most innocent children.

Donna
Donna
9 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

I haven’t the least amount of pity for the X. I pity the victims he lies to while having sex with multiple partners exposing them to STD

Roberta
Roberta
9 years ago
Reply to  MsChump

Agree, pity! Or is it he’s just so pitiful? Then I catch myself. He’s just an entitled, selfish asshole! Guess I could say recovery is going great!

onthehill
onthehill
9 years ago

YMBARC if you, finally, stand up to your abusive Narc H and tell him you won’t take his shit anymore after 30 years.

YMBARC if you call the cops when he won’t let you leave a room instead of cowering.

YMBARC if you kick his ass out.

YMBARC when your kid gets a look of relief over his face and gives a little sigh when you tell him you are divorcing his father.

YMBARC when your call your life-long friend to tell her what you’re doing; and, she cries saying “I never thought you’d do it”.

YMBARC when you no longer automatically tense up waiting for your (now X) to come home.

YMBARC when your bank account stops overdrawing when your H leaves

OMG I could go on …. !

DramaFreeMe
DramaFreeMe
9 years ago
Reply to  onthehill

OMG, onthehill, I hear you with the automatically tense up when you realized he was on the way home…every once in a while I still get the flight-or-fight response when I hear the bus stop down the block! So glad to be away from that crazy.

Toni
Toni
9 years ago
Reply to  DramaFreeMe

I still get it when I see a car just like his…..meh otherwise but I guess it’s just ingrained till Tuesday……

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
9 years ago
Reply to  DramaFreeMe

DramaFree—I get the flight or fight response when a particular door slams in my home. It has a mechanism on it that makes it close. The spring is tight and it SLAMS closed if you don’t prevent it from doing so. If I am bringing in groceries and I can’t prevent the SLAM, I still get the internal cower/flight or flight response ingrained by my rageful XH. He would go out it, shove it wide open so that it would SLAM as violently as possible.

I HATE IT but can’t make the mechanism any looser.

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
9 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

Take a picture of it and ask at a hardware store how to remove it.

Or search for a video on line of how to install one, and reverse the directions.

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago
Reply to  onthehill

onthehill–you sound mighty!! (and isn’t it sad when our kids know the marriage is over before we do, and are relieved?)

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
9 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

My children were 6 and 8 when I threw Diablo out (HB#2). Their teacher, who had a masters in gifted children from a well known university, was shocked when she found out years later that I divorced my husband. She had my children for five of those years before during and after the divorce and she said they never showed a sign of strain. Grades and behavior were maintained like nothing was happening in the home.

That is how LITTLE their father was involved in their lives. And, I am sure, how peaceful the home became when he was gone.

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
9 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

CalamityJane – YES!! I was secretly shocked when my brilliant daughter maintained her steady 4.4 GPA before, during, and after I discovered her serial-cheating asswipe “dad,” and after 8 mos of waiting & lining up ducks, filed against his dumb ass. Since she was so smart, I refused to insult her by pretending the situation was anything less than what his truth actually was.

She was 13 and in 8th grade that year. Now she’s finishing up her freshman year and just turned 15, and hmmm…another 4.0+ GPA all year. What’s the one constant?? M O M. That’s all they need – at least one unselfish, sane, loving, emotionally present, real parent. Do I think two parents is better for kids? Absolutely, but in Chump Nation, that’s not a possibility, and we’re done hunting unicorns.

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
9 years ago

Awesome KF_MM! High five that young lady for me & hugs to you!

In the case of one of my older brothers, he was the sane, constant, steady force for his daughter. She was basically a straight-A student all through years of very deep doo-doo from her ‘egg-donor’ because he was, as you stated, an “….unselfish, sane, loving, emotionally present, real parent.” I love how you worded that!

It is truly a testament to what a difference even ONE sane person can make in the life of another. You ARE truly Mighty!

And you really highlighted a very important point: “Since she was so smart, I refused to insult her by pretending the situation was anything less than what his truth actually was.”
As the Bible says: “The truth shall make you free.”

Love hearing your comments!

ForgeOn, all you recovered / recovering chumps!

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
9 years ago
Reply to  ForgeOn!

Hey, ForgeOn! Huge high fives to your bro for doing the work of both a father, AND her MIA “mom.” The fact that your bro helped his daughter to kick butt in school (which we know can be difficult with some girls), while her “mom” acted like a douche bag is quite remarkable. He needs to know that he kicks all kinds of booty, and we’re all so proud of him!

I must tell you – some of your posts have me literally laughing out loud. You’re hilarious and you’re so mighty, as well. Love you all for the inspiration you give me, and for all ass-kicking you do in spite of the shitty circumstances.

I run my first half marathon in the OKC Memorial Run this Sunday. One of those 13.1 miles will be for every one of you amazing women and men of Chump Nation and for Tracy. You’ve gotten me through some difficult days over the past year with your stories of resilience and courage.

Chickie, as you say so often: Forge On, Chumps! =D

xoxo

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
9 years ago

KF_MM!
XOXOOXOX

onthehill
onthehill
9 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yes Tempest, it is scary. That was NOT the reaction I was expecting. And – to top it off – my son told me days later he was actually praying we’d get a divorce!

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
9 years ago
Reply to  onthehill

I was. When my parents finally divorced, I happily traded a bit of poverty for the constant strife of their marriage.

MightyMite
MightyMite
9 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

It is sad, Tempest. My son came to me and said “Would you please divorce him already and get us out of here!” and a few says later, my daughter came to me and said “If you’re not divorcing him because you’re worried about me and how I’ll handle, don’t worry about me.” That’s when I knew that I hadn’t really been able to shield them from his narcissistic asshole-ness and they saw for themselves what a horrible person he is.

Schmetterling
Schmetterling
9 years ago
Reply to  MightyMite

Yup, especially my daughter longed for me to finally cut the cord. She was tired of tip toeing through the house and the constant tension when shithole was on his silent treatment rampage for who knows what I had done to him again.

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
9 years ago
Reply to  Schmetterling

I had no children mainly because I didn’t want any child to have to walk on eggshells and live in constant tension like I did. My XH was rage filled and blamed me for everything—when he bothered to speak to me. A sunrise to sunset miserable existence that I couldn’t bring a child into. Considering I lived in a sexless marriage for 24 yrs, the chance of pregnancy was thankfully improbable. Married 24 years and the number of times we had sex was FAR less than the number of years we were married.

I went from that to a relationship with a highly sexualized, sweet as pie narc cheater where sex twice a day, everyday was common. Can you imagine the mind fuck?

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago
Reply to  MightyMite

My oldest said, “File already!” (and okayed my doing it on her birthday).

And you’re right–we could never do an adequate job of shielding them from the narcissists. My youngest has been behaving so much better since jackass left the house.

DaisyDupedNoMore
DaisyDupedNoMore
9 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, I filed the day before Valentines Day and my daughter got me a heart shaped cake with “congratulations” written on it! I enjoyed every bite of that cake and I don’t particularly like white cake. 🙂

Donna
Donna
9 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

My children begged me to divorce him as adults. They always knew and now have no respect for him. They are disgusted with his behavior and want nothing to do with his girlfriends.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
9 years ago
Reply to  onthehill

Yes, onthehill!!! The money situation! It’s like my money stopped dissolving…magic!
STBX can’t wrap his head around how I can afford to keep the house & our daughter & his dog by myself and why he’s simultaneously 20K+ in debt….common sense would give him the answer. Lol.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
9 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

In the early days, XH actually said to me, “I don’t think you understand how much work it takes to run a house!” I said, “Are you fucking KIDDING me? *I* don’t know?!? Just who do you think has been running this house?” The nerve.

Schmetterling
Schmetterling
9 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Prior to being a YMARC my entitled bullshitter would point out to me: „and who pays the mortgage?“ trying to put me into place. Absolutely no sense of partnership, I was basically a „single mother“ working full-time doing more than my fare share to support us, while he was out and about entertaining his selfish needs. What arrogant, distorted and selfish buttholes. I am over that he can work his butt off now to figure out how to pay off his debts I ain’t do it anymore and I refuse to stress about it now. He is a big boy (Right?) he can figure it out, there is always Mom that will bail him out.

Thankful
Thankful
9 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

NWB you go girl.

I Have lived in my current home for 15 yrs, I handled our finances, when I stayed at home with the kids before returning to full time work 5 years ago, I ensured hubby didn’t have to worry about mowing lawns general household maintenance, getting firewood, hubby just went along his merry way taking all the credit but non of the responsibility.
Now hubby has been gone for 16 months we are divorced and the house has been my sole responsibility this entire time. He can’t seem to understand why I am refuting his argument of needing to be involved in the perpetration process in order to put this house on the market.

I am excited today. Just got approval for a new lounge and dinning set. Can’t wait to be able to sit at the table again and have dinner with my kids.

onthehill
onthehill
9 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

OMG Jamie,, I know. Our whole marriage – there was a GIANT sucking sound emanating from our bank account.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
9 years ago
Reply to  onthehill

I had my lawyer comb through our bank accounts trying to find where or how the money was leaving but nothing was ever obvious. And it doesn’t matter now anyhow. I think his mere presence made money run away. Lol.

StrongerEveryday
StrongerEveryday
9 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

“I think his mere presence made money run away.” Hilarious, and true for me as well.

Schmetterling
Schmetterling
9 years ago

YMARC when after separating your accounts your credit score finally soars again and his is still at rock bottom. I honestly never figured that money thing out and why in the world we are always drained and broke with a 6 figure income and moderate living standards. I married him with 10grant in debt and multiple credit cards, back then he had only a small income but would constantly overspend using credit cards as there was no tomorrow (fuck I should have known) and he would buy all this senseless crab and pick up tabs for everyone. He never figured it out in the years to come. What an irresponsible, entitled dumbass. I worked my ass off to help support, full time employed raising kids and even at some point taking on an extra job because I felt so responsible. YMARC when you only smile at them blaming you for not helping support and when you have stopped feeling overly responsible and can see that they and only they alone created the whole mess. Fuck ‚em spoiled brats.

Toni
Toni
9 years ago
Reply to  Schmetterling

One of the things that had me frozen in fear, unable to change the locks was the fear of paying the bills by myself. I mean we were barely managing and often behind with the two of us. How could I ever manage. Well, guess what? Even with missing a month of work due to pneumonia I’m STILL not behind on anything! I spend a lot of time just shaking my head on that one, but with a big smile on my face…

Free
Free
9 years ago

Onthehill – the day my XH wouldn’t let me leave the room was the day I realised that his behaviour was truly abusive. And money, he endlessly spent, credit card bills were massive, he supported ebay and Amazon single handedly. Now we are divorced he says he cannot even afford to pay for our child’s school bus.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
9 years ago
Reply to  Free

In the eighteen years we were together, X never once parked on my side of the driveway. Until the night after DD and he did. And wouldn’t let me leave to go get my son in crisis. Told me it was his property, and he’d park anywhere he wanted.

Such a dick.

Roberta
Roberta
9 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

I always handled the finances, but he always managed to drain any and all remaining money we had! These selfish assholes have shit life skills and are usually horrible with money! Oh and my now ex is already in so much debt its not even funny, but I seem to have enough to save now and invest! Go figure!

EnoughAlready
EnoughAlready
9 years ago

YMBAR(ing)C if, when they read a script from the playbook, you nod your head in recognition instead of agreement. And you *don’t* try to fix whatever they’re complaining about. Or explain. Or remotely believe that they’ll get it at last if you just explain more eloquently.

unicornomore
unicornomore
9 years ago
Reply to  EnoughAlready

“Or remotely believe that they’ll get it at last if you just explain more eloquently.”

I have upstairs in my dresser, a PILE of printed out emails that I sent him BEGGING him to be kind and stop treating me with such harshness. I implored, explained, begged, and described in the most loving and kind ways how his nastiness hurt me and damaged our life together. I thought if I could JUST get him to understand that he would care and it would make a difference.

He went to his grave without understanding, caring or changing.

Donna
Donna
9 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

UnicornNoMore, when my mother recently passed away I found the notes she wrote to my narcissist father. I am so thankful you were released from the abuse you had to endure. My fathers perception of his marriage was that he took care of her. Their working from such disorder most of them will die thinking they did their best. We know differently as we have the evidence and understand their inability to ever change.

unicornomore
unicornomore
9 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Yes Donna, I agree, If you had asked H sitting on the sofa a few hours before he died, he would likely have said that he had treated me reasonably. He also probably thought that he was adequately contrite after his affair but neither of those things was true.

I am Roman Catholic and I absolutely believe in Purgatory…I believe that when we die, we have a debrief with God and he explains the impact that we had on people. He didn’t hurt alot of people – he was a great son, good brother, loyal friend and unpredictable father but a terrible husband. I actually do feel bad that he had to face all of this in a time when he couldnt fix any of it AFTER I spent YEARS begging for his kindness…the irony and angst of it has likely been a terrible terrible experience.

Donna
Donna
9 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicornnomore, after years of trying to save my mom from my fathers abuse I realized she could not leave him. We cannot will someone to become whole. That is not under our control. Sacrificing oneself for an abusive partner out of love is so very damaging to your soul. You deserved to be cherished not abused

EnoughAlready
EnoughAlready
9 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Good place for him. Sounds like he was dead already for quite awhile before they got around to burying him. It’s a wake-up moment when we realize that they *know* this stuff, and they don’t care. Marvelously freeing. I look back on my own attempts to explain and shake my head in wonderment.

unicornomore
unicornomore
9 years ago
Reply to  EnoughAlready

If you ask his kids and parents they would tell you that him being dead is not a good thing. Im glad our marriage is over but I didn’t wish him dead. I absolutely hate the fact that my life is better with him dead…it feels like a horribly compounded tragedy, but that was the reality of him being such a terrible spouse.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
9 years ago

YMBARC if……

You meet all of your ex’s dramatized texts with radio silence.

You learn to tell your ex the “no” and you use it regularly.

You deflect your ex to his or your lawyer when he brings up ridiculous and pointless debates.

The sight of he and his girlfriend/OW makes you laugh inside instead of cry.

You sleep peacefully at night knowing he’s no longer your problem.

Your ex knows nothing of your new life and you like it that way.

You notice the differences between authentic people and pathological ones regularly.

You can no longer stand the thought of your ex in an intimate setting.

You stand up for yourself and don’t immediately start regretting it.

You are back to enjoying personal hobbies and there’s one to around to criticize them.

You’re thankful every day for the lack of relationship drama in your life.

You don’t miss your ex at all, particularly because you fully understand that even the good memories were lies.

You’ve come to peace with his family pretending like you never existed.

You know that even though he appears happy, he will always be miserable inside.

You feel sorry for his girlfriend and you actually think she’s too good for him.

Kraft
Kraft
9 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

Nicely said Jamie.

TheMuse
TheMuse
9 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

Those are all good ones. I agree with them all except the last one – Ha! they deserve each other.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
9 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Muse, you may be right. I’d love nothing more than for her to be a narc herself and to wreck his life.

But removing all character/morality aspects, she’s a better catch, on paper. She’s educated, intelligent and will be well paid (when she graduates college!!!! Bwahaha!!!!), she also seems kind hearted and soft spoken. Just the way he likes them; rich & submissive.

Drew
Drew
9 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Yup, I think mine deserves his new love! Karma right there! Two. fucking. cheaters. Who totally deserve one another! Okay, still a little irked but it has more to do with how he handled the finances and settlement more than the fact he blew up my life. I still can’t believe there are such crap people in this world and that I chose him for a father! And…I miss my house! I loved that house.

Cheaterssuck
Cheaterssuck
9 years ago
Reply to  Drew

Sounds like me. He has the house and the dogs. But he also has the OW so it’s all good. Best gift you can give a cheater is really another cheater!!

horsesrcumin
horsesrcumin
9 years ago
Reply to  Cheaterssuck

Aaaah, the amazing Sacha Guitry quote right there, Cheaterssuck. “When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” Always loved that – since WAAAY before I was chumped 🙂

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
9 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

I’ve got more!!!!

YMBARC if….

You politely say “let’s change the subject to something more enjoyable” when a friend asks about your ex, not out of sadness but out of a genuine disinterest in discussing him.

You laugh and shake your head when you hear of or witness your ex behaving in his narc fashion.

A friend of his girlfriend/OW reaches out to you out of concern and distrust of your ex and his intentions and you reply with “she will see him for who he is soon enough. I wish her the best.” AND you know it to be true and mean it.

You recognize all the little ways he tries to obtain kibbles and you stop him short every single time.

People start coming out of the woodwork to tell you their personal stories of how STBX creeped them out or wasn’t good enough for you.

Upon telling someone you’re going through a divorce and they say “oh, I’m so sorry” you reply, “oh, don’t be…”

You know in your heart of hearts that you were and are a great spouse and that the problem never was and never will be you.

Kat
Kat
9 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

“You stand up for yourself and don’t immediately start regretting it.”

^This^

So much of what you wrote, Jamie, really spoke to me and inspired me, but wow, I hadn’t yet fully absorbed the impact not just of standing up for myself but of no longer regretting that I did out of fear. When I first started my recovery and took baby steps in calling him on his BS, I used to dread the inevitable blowback. I would often send emails or texts in which I put my foot down and then put off reading the replies, which were usually some mix of verbal/emotional abuse and shaming tactics that used to undermine my resolve. Now, thanks in no small part to CL and CN, my first reaction is to imagine how funny his replies would be if they were put through the Universal Bullshit Translator.

DaisyDupedNoMore
DaisyDupedNoMore
9 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

I’m right behind you Jamie, coming up fast. 🙂 I want a house in apathyville too!

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
9 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

What’s the town beyond Meh? You live there!!

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
9 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Is it Apathyville? I love it here!
If I think too long or too hard about the details or get stuck trying to untangle the skein, I can get angry. So I stay away from it as much as possible.

I still think all STBX did was inexcusable but I do feel that it was a necessary part of my personal journey in this life. I learned hard lessons about people and relationships that I could never have learned any other way. I no longer assume everyone is kind and genuine and although it’s a shitty reality, it is reality.

missdeltagirl65
missdeltagirl65
9 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

TBJ,
Great posts. What an inspiration you are.
“You don’t miss your ex at all, particularly because you fully understand that even the good memories were lies.” This one took a while for me to get to, about 5 years. The discovery of old lies keeps coming sporadically — I’m 10 years out I still keep discovering more lies (I’m not trying to, but things pop up or people say stuff from time to time.) But I think it is important to get to this place of realizing that even the good memories were lies. They were lies he told me. But if I look deeper, in many instances they were also lies I told myself. I honestly don’t know which was more freeing in my journey towards being a Recovered Chump. Learning to spot my partner’s lies, or learning to spot my lies to myself.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
9 years ago

And thanks, guys! It took some sobbing on the floor moments, some rejection, some embarrassing moments and many sleepless nights but meh is just around the corner when you’re dedicated to not be your cheater’s victim. I’ll never give him that power.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

I agree with learning about the lies we tell ourselves, the fantasies that keep a drowned boat afloat too long.

I disagree with: “because you fully understand that even the good memories were lies.”

Not in my case, YMMV. No matter if my ex was lying and pretending to be something he was not. No matter what HIS reality was, he cannot change MY reality. I still have my good memories, they were real to ME. I was happy in those moments, in those times and as the song says “No, no – they can’t take that away from me”. I will note that the song includes “The way you hold your knife (do-do-do-do do-do).” and unfortunately, you can’t take that memory away from me either. Good times, bad times…I’m a walking cliche tonight!

My memories and my life are my reality, I hope chumps will keep the good and chuck the bad. Erasing your reality seems like a bad move to me.

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
9 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

I’m with you Dat—the good memories are INCREDIBLE and I cherish them. I doubt I will ever experience anything like them again. That really really sucks but that’s the way it is. I have always kind of hated the phrase ‘it’s better to have loved and lost…..’ but I guess I can reconcile myself with it. I am very glad I got to feel the way I did……just sucky sucky sucky that the fantasy that came to life had to turn into a mirage…..

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
9 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

“But if I look deeper, in many instances they were also lies I told myself.”

I’m raising my hand on this one.

StrongerEveryday
StrongerEveryday
9 years ago

Very well said, missdeltagirl65.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Totally agree, both are essential to a full recovery. Although I didn’t uncover the big lies until it was already over there were plenty of opportunities I missed or avoided to call bullshit on him. I seriously told myself (and he helped me feel it was necessary) that this was me being a supportive spouse and choosing my battles. I didn’t want to be a nag about every little thing, did I?

Um, if “every little thing” consists of image management and total inauthenticity of character, then yes…yes I do want to expose it.

Nicole S
Nicole S
9 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

I want to be you when I grow up. 😉

Cheaterssuck
Cheaterssuck
9 years ago
Reply to  Nicole S

Me too!!

Lina
Lina
9 years ago

I’m far from recovered yet, but last week bought myself a MacBook Pro. He “hated Apple” (despite having never used an Apple product).

I feel a bit guilty for spending that money on myself but I need it for my home based business.

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
9 years ago
Reply to  Lina

Lina – I hope you come back to visit this article so that you’ll read me telling you: You sound SOOOO much stronger than just a few months ago!! I’m so proud of you for working so freaking hard to pull yourself out of that hell bit-by-bit! I was worried about you when I first started reading your posts, and I prayed for you, but look at you now!! You are SO MIGHTY, girl!!

And as one Mac chick to another – welcome to the club! I do all my graphics, video and photo editing and writing on my Mac, my iPad Air, and iPhone. They all sync and when doing public relations, it’s essential that all my info and documents are the most current. You’ll see. That gift to yourself is a great production tool for your work.

You’re sounding so good – keep up the hard work of taking care of the caregiver (you!).

xoxo

kb
kb
9 years ago
Reply to  Lina

I’m a computer agnostic, myself. I use a PC because I play video games. The customization aspects of the home-built really rope me in. That said, the Mac notebooks are wonderful.

The real issue here is that the technology was another way for your X to show disrespect. Oh, you wanted a Mac? And he didn’t want you to have one because he was an Apple hater? Sheesh! You weren’t trying to tell him what kind of computer he wanted! Or he left you the really crappy, 6-year-old computer that can barely load a web page? That’s because you don’t deserve technology that works for you.

Enjoy your tech the way you want! 🙂

P.S. My STBX is in IT, but has always hated that I build my own computers.

Kat
Kat
9 years ago
Reply to  kb

I think it can be such a liberating part of recovery to do small things that you never would have done as a Chump, whether it’s buying a computer that they disapprove of or, in my case, making and eating meals that I never would have before because of the litany of criticisms about too much fat, too many calories, too many grains, too much dairy, basically about how it’s not the rabbit food he took up eating when he began cheating. Tonight for dinner I had spinach-artichoke dip made with sour cream and cheese . . . mmmmm!

Drew
Drew
9 years ago
Reply to  Kat

That dip (artichoke and cheese) ….YUM. Worth an extra lap in the pool for sure! It is funny how controlling our exes were. I was a very modern wife but ended up doing all the hard work (and made it look easy) but I also called him out on his shit. Even with his job, I expected him to be an equal partner, help with the children, household chores, and make time for family. Looking back I can see how difficult it was. I don’t think he wanted children or marriage, he just didn’t fully appreciate either one. Except for the kibbles coming his way. Lol. I do think my ex felt entitled, he would discuss issues with me and then go ahead and do whateverthefuck he wanted. I was easy, never had a problem with his hobbies, or long work hours, because it’s what you do, right? Then his behavior grew worse, but it was subtle as hell. I mean the little crap things like criticizing me, or the things I enjoyed doing…he would go nuts if I spent twenty bucks but when it came to his wants or needs it was really unbalanced …. When he would treat me poorly I would call him out on it right that minute. I am not dumb! My kids however never witnessed a “bad” marriage. We had a rough last Christmas ( in spite of his giving us all cell phones! To cover up his need for a personal phone!) all through May when he finally chose his whore. All that time it seems he was trying to make the best decision for us all. We didn’t argue, but we also never talked about our relationship. I would bring up his disengagement and he would basically gaslight. Poor sausage, he had a hard time being real. He landed at home and lived somewhere else, looking back it was a lie. IMHO that occurs when spouses are disordered, cheating then inevitably comes into the picture, and then the whole relationship blows up.

Drew
Drew
9 years ago
Reply to  Lina

Isn’t it funny how putting ourselves first feels odd? Lina, you deserve all good things, and isn’t it about time YOU came first?!? One of my first big purchases was an iPad. I had it engraved and it’s what I use for everything. I discovered CL and CN on this, so definitely worth the splurge!

Lina
Lina
9 years ago
Reply to  Drew

Thanks guys. I already love my Mac!

I do find it hard to put myself first. I’m trying to get more comfortable about it. What pushed me into buying the Mac was trying to use the very cheap crappy old PC he so graciously left for me. Like that was good enough for me: junk. It’s still contains all his files and his name is on everything. I can’t wait to finish transferring my files so I can trash it.

moose
moose
9 years ago
Reply to  Lina

Eff him, Lina! Rock that MacBook, sister!

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
9 years ago
Reply to  Lina

Macs rock. I’m at my sister’s house, using her PC (which is admittedly old) and I keep feeling like a snooty Mac snob, but… Damn. Macs really have it down.

Luziana
Luziana
9 years ago

YMBARC if your cheater contacts you after four months of NC to accuse you of stealing his Green Card from the mail, and you simply respond that you haven’t received any mail addressed to him. Because you haven’t. And you no longer feel even slightly obliged to help Gigantic Baby Man figure out his dreadful life.

And when you have to pay in taxes instead of getting a refund due to fewer exemptions, you just write the damn check and send it in. With a Beatrix Lestrange stamp, and giggle because the stamp says “Forever” and the OW looks like Beatrix Lestrange.

Lina
Lina
9 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

A text from him requesting to file joint taxes before the divorce was when I blocked him for good. I’d never hear from him unless he wanted something. It felt so good to say no. He must have had to pay in instead of receiving a refund for the first time ever.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
9 years ago
Reply to  Lina

During separation, I filed head of household. Got a text from ex wanting me to re-file with him as joint married, because he owed the IRS $9000 and he wanted me to pay half. He wrote that it “would be in all of our best interests” for me to do so, because otherwise he “wouldn’t be able to afford to pay child support.”

Not sure how that was in MY best interests, LOL, but of course I told him no. I guess he still owes the IRS that money, he hasn’t really had a job since, so no way to pay it off. And of course, he never intended on paying me all the child support anyway.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
9 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

HaHaHaHaHa!

Donna
Donna
9 years ago
Reply to  Lina

Lina, this was a first for me this year. I didn’t have to pay the taxes he was supposed to pay quarterly as a self employed (absorbed) narc. I did this for the 25 years he was in the business.

informal
informal
9 years ago
Reply to  Donna

I always got our personal taxes together and his mom took care of his business taxes (Not privy to any financial info) then i would be responsible for taking them to the accountant. After court pre-parenting mediation class he cornered me and informed me that if he got into trouble with taxes that I was going to jail with him. If he lied on his business taxes that would be between him and his mom. Guess who filed alone this year?
His mother passed away a few weeks back and he kept us informed through hospice and then failed to let us know that she died and the family had a memorial service. Read it in online so I guess he does not consider the kids family anymore? Just sent him an email stating I filed head of household. His response was that he had been busy helping his dad and forgot about taxes (bullshit) and hopes we are doing good and would like to see us. WTF? I think he is delusional enough to think I filed with him as married. He is going to have to deal with his own shit.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
9 years ago
Reply to  informal

Yep, I filed the same way. Let him handle it all by himself. My ex wanted to know what status I filed under and just didn’t even respond.

Leolion
Leolion
9 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

Mine likes to gamble and decided to go on another trip (the third since DD). He asked if he could borrow a “Hundo” and pay me back on his next paycheck. Um…hell no!! So what does he do? Borrows money from our 8 year old daughter from her piggy bank. Sweet! What a loser! Mine days of funding his bad habits are done.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
9 years ago
Reply to  Lina

Oh Lina, I had a fun tax conversation with STBX just last week! The night before they were due he informed he that he was entitled to half my house refund. I also don’t hear from him about anything besides him wanting something, not even to check on our daughter, and I was so happy to inform him that he would be getting zero dollars from me. Of course, he doesn’t believe this to be true so he filed an extension to give himself more time to annoy me. Aaaaand deflect to lawyer…lol

Lina
Lina
9 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

I can’t believe they way they treat their children. My heart goes out to you and your daughter.

The year before he left I had my accountant do our taxes (had just started my business) and we got a decent refund. I asked for $250.00 to of it to pay a bill and he went ballistic. He left shortly afterwards and took the whole return along with every other penny we had in our joint account. So it was even more satisfying to refuse to file with him afterwards.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
9 years ago
Reply to  Lina

Thank you 🙂
He does his bear minimum with parenting and it’s really better for us all that way.

And good for you. It felt good to inform my STBX that he’d not be tricking me or bullying me into giving him my earned refund. His main motivations in life are control & money. He may control his girlfriend but it’s too soon for her to just give him money…so he tries to get it from me, his faithful sponsor. But the flow has been cut off for over a year, he can’t quite grasp that. He’s a slow learner.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
9 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Lmao Luz!!!!! You crack me up!!!!

onthehill
onthehill
9 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

I can see it now: Big fat diapered baby with hairy chest, 1/2 bald, 1 tooth !!! … With binky FLYING through the air !

strad
strad
9 years ago
Reply to  onthehill

Don’t forget to include OW madly galloping behind him on the unicorn, maybe carrying a huge diaper bag.

Luziana
Luziana
9 years ago
Reply to  strad

Don’t forget the goatee and manboobies!

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
9 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

a BILLY GOAT LIKE goatee…..bleech, those are the worst.

kar marie
kar marie
9 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Also don’t forget the clippers for manscapeing and the coke spoon to go with the boner pills to enhance the sex cause he can’t keep it up anymore unless he turns into monster master man and beats OW into a bloody pulp. They get real mean in their old cheater age.

onthehill
onthehill
9 years ago
Reply to  onthehill

…. Mid-tantrum, of course!

redless
redless
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

CL

You are on to something. Might want to consider a post on how would you cartoon your cheater……

magicrain
magicrain
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

you go NC… AND STICK TO IT

Luziana
Luziana
9 years ago
Reply to  magicrain

I do stick to it. There is only one email address he is permitted to contact me at, and only regarding business matters. YMBARC if you know the only reason he will contact you is when he wants help with something, and you train him to contact you less and less by calmly saying no without justifying or elaborating. I have not initiated any contact with him since June 2014.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Love it. YMBARC if you say no to a request from your ex and when he fires back insults you just laugh and wonder how in the hell you dealt with his shit for so long.

Luziana
Luziana
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

YES!!!!!

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
9 years ago

YMBARC if you responded to a request to meet to discuss “what happened” by telling your ex-wife that you are not at all confused about what happened–she cheated, divorced, and you can no longer spend time with her as you are happily remarried.

YMBARC if you do not take the bait from her rage calling you a “bad Christian” more or less for not meeting and trying to drag you back into her false narrative.

Lizzy
Lizzy
9 years ago

DM, sorry your XW does that to you…My XH likes to throw the “bad Christian” label at my 15-year old daughter. She has a strong faith and I think he knows that is the easiest way to hurt her for not forgiving him (it has only been 6 mos). There aren’t words to describe the awfulness of these people – they break a commandment and have the nerve to go around calling others bad Christians! Thanks to your posts here and on your own site I can help guide her through this.

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
9 years ago
Reply to  Lizzy

Quote: There aren’t words to describe the awfulness of these people – they break a commandment and have the nerve to go around calling others bad Christians! /quote

Only one? Sure, I gotcha, the one about adultery and all. How about the one about bearing false witness and those two about coveting? Think they didn’t break those, too?

Of course, most cheaters would see it that they kept in line with Christ’s teachings by twisting this passage from Matthew 22:36:

Jesus was asked: “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Most cheaters would never miss the opportunity to “love your neighbor” and make all about what would Jesus do. More like love you neighbor, ho-worker, the bar maid and any other piece of cheap ‘n’ easy ass, too.

unicornomore
unicornomore
9 years ago
Reply to  Her Blondeness

The “Love your wife as Christ loved the Church” thing gets lost too -oooohhh they can follow through if the CHANGE wives ! He told me that me and the kids were such good Catholics, he could give us to the Church like a gift and then he could evangelize OW. The smoking gun of his A was an email in his computer …I hacked in looking for proof and found a file “OW and Christ” …I knew in that second that I was screwed.

Donna
Donna
9 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Why DO whores who fuck married men project their hatred on a woman they know nothing about and then brag about being a good Christian woman? Especially when the guy she’s blowing is an atheist? I wonder, is this some sort of delusional thinking that she is a savior of sorts. Maybe she can fuck him into thinking she’s special. Well we know narcs are chameleons so if she says so….

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
9 years ago
Reply to  Lizzy

Glad to hear the blog is helping you and your daughter! No worries for me, Lizzy. My ex has stopped bothering me. That exchange happened almost a year ago in my last direct contact with her via email. The old handles used to manipulate me just don’t work like they used to 😉

Knowing the truth helps in these situations. When you don’t look to these people for validation, then you are safer in general. My xW’s opinion about my performance as a Christian is as worthless as her word. And if I had any doubts all I had to remember is when I confronted her about her adulterous relationship and she told me with a straight face that she was being faithful to God while lying to me about committing adultery. (I should actually make that “god” as it certainly isn’t the one, true God).

Drew
Drew
9 years ago

DM, This, “My xW’s opinion…is about as worthless as her word.”
I remind myself, and my children, of this when my ex is feeling like he’s the only one who “got it right” (like running off with someone you are not married to is a wise choice, IMHO it is NOT living honestly or authentically) and is handing out advice. Really?!?! I don’t think our exes can be a good model for anything, because they took one precious shot at family and blew it all up.

Drew
Drew
9 years ago

DM, Yes! You MBARC if you no longer step into the “false narrative.” My ex made choices and I no longer spackle.

moose
moose
9 years ago

DM…you rock!

EnoughAlready
EnoughAlready
9 years ago

YMBARC indeed! Well spoken.

Papasadouche
Papasadouche
9 years ago

My Ex filed for divorce and in hindsight, I think he did because I started to stand up to him. Instead of adapting to his pressure, I put it back on him. He used to complain about my cooking and I finally told him to start cooking for himself, then he could eat what he wanted.

I wanted to have to foyer painted in our home and he said we couldn’t afford it. I walked into the garage of our second home, his dream home, and there were 2 brand new snowmobiles he bought without me knowing. There was a huge “discussion” about how his business could buy snowmobiles but not have foyers painted in our first home. Needless to say, the foyer got painted when I suggested he sell one of his many snowmobiles.

I think the final blow was when he left and came back to talk, he asked why I never asked (begged) him to come back. I quizzically looked at him and said “the same reason you never asked me to come back.” There were way better answers to that but at the time I was so confused by the question, that was the best I could come up with.

It was powerful to finally stand up to him and I think he was shocked which propelled his decision to make the break and move on to his secretary who cow tails to his every demand, paws him, serves him and “makes” him happy. They are perfect together:)

Trusting
Trusting
9 years ago
Reply to  Papasadouche

Just fyi, “kowtow”

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
9 years ago
Reply to  Trusting

Yeah, but think about the wonderful visual that cow tails provides!

Drew
Drew
9 years ago
Reply to  Her Blondeness

I like cow tails. Lol! Maybe it’s being a chump but we all knew what she meant! Lol

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago

YMBARC if you read Stupid Shit the Cheater said in the past and laugh at it (e.g., from cheater–“I guess I just loved more honestly than you because my forgiveness is unconditional.”)

YMBARC if you deliberately introduce yourself to a probable affair partner of cheater at a conference and don’t.feel.a.thing. Yeah, me!

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
9 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yeah! Yay, you!!

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
9 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Big, yay, to you on this, Tempest. I don’t know if I could have done within the year from DD. That takes guts.

Tflan386
Tflan386
9 years ago

When cheater ex enlisted the help of our 12 year old son to help him move out I hijacked his plans and packed up son and younger sibs in the car to drive off for a glorious day on the beach – just me and my kids. Shades of what life would look like for STBX for the next 16 years – left behind, on the periphery, missing beautiful moments with his family.

Am in Austin, Texas as I write. Isn’t this Chumplady territory? Will keep my eyes peeled for a chance encounter!

Belated Happy Birthday!

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago
Reply to  Tflan386

Tflan–we are starting to grow our Austin contingency (and we have chump meetups). If you’re here for awhile, let me know — tempest.ariel2014@gmail.com

Tflan386
Tflan386
9 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest: Only here briefly for a visit with family and a few rounds of golf, then back to cold Canada!. Next time around will look you up as I would be interested in attending a chump meetup.

Lucky
Lucky
9 years ago

All of the above !!!!!

When you can finally chose the car you drive ( not the crappy one he has driven into the ground ).

When the house is peaceful and I no longer care or worry about HIS schedule and whether my activities will fit into HIS needs.

Since he is a Minister I no longer have an unpaid job and expectations to live up to. I am no longer playing the pick me polka because MOW is also a Minister and she is just so Christian and sparkly ( and no one can compete with that )!

My house is tidy and organized. And I have two kids 50% of the time. I am not picking garbage off the floor every time I walk into a room. Amazing – no one throws garbage on the floor in my house!!!

I am ok as a single person !!! In fact I rock singledom!!!! Getting pretty close to Tuesday here in Mehville 🙂

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Lucky, I totally get you about the trash on the floor! End stages of complete control over us is when they start doing that and expecting us to clean it up. I am so happy that the only messes in my house are mine now and it doesn’t bother me, nor do I throw shit on the floor (of course).

ReDefiningMe
ReDefiningMe
9 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Amen to driving the car you want – I always got his shitty castoffs since he needed a new car every 5 minutes.

newchumpatl
newchumpatl
9 years ago
Reply to  ReDefiningMe

Ha.. MINE TOO

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Hold on! TWO cheating ministers? With each other?! That’s just all kinds of (non)Christian fuckedupedness. What branch of religion is that – narcotheism?

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

Tempest and Free,

Even prior to discovering that the the final OW was what I “affectionately” refer to as a past(w)hor(e), I had difficulty wrapping my head around the situationally and morally ambiguous cheater. As a believer, I totally understand stumbling and even falling in your walk of faith, but do you never pick yourself up, dust yourself off and say, “Enough of that. This behavior is completely out of line with my stated beliefs?” Where do you have to go in your head (and your bible, if you are a professed Christian of any sort) to make adultery an “acceptable” sin from which there’s no need to repent? From what I recall, and I’m not a theologian so DM can speak to this with more clarity than I can, a component of repentence is stopping the behavior. 70 x 7 indeed! Does he realize that entails actually being sorry, in deed and not just in word?

Not these wild and crazy cheaters! My mouth is always agape when I read the comments from Chumps about their Jesus cheaters sitting in the front row of the church with the OW/OM, admonishing them about their “non-Christian” unforgiveness, congregants and ministers in the church accepting these non-repentent adulterers into the bosom of the church, no questions asked. I thought Cheater McAsswipe’s willing accomplice and aider and abetor past(w)hor(e) was bad enough with her cards full of “God has blessed our love” and “God has brought us together,” and other such ridiculous tripe, but apparently this Narcotheist demonination has quite the following. No one has to prostrate themselves, rend their clothing or attire themselves in sack cloth and ashes, and none of those inconvenient commandments to follow – only suggestions.

All of these shitballs, asswipes and cretins are galling, but I find the Jesus Cheaters partcularly offensive.

Free
Free
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

‘Jesus cheaters are particularly offensive’ – agreed. It’s the assumption that God’s grace and forgiveness gives them a free pass for adultery . . . again and again and again – why would we be at all upset if Jesus has forgiven them?!! Cluster B’s manipulate God even for their own self interest.

SoberChump
SoberChump
9 years ago
Reply to  Free

Ha. My Christian mother-in-law used that line saying her daughter will eventually be foregiven for her cheating. She basically enabled my wife’s cheating if it helped her move on from me. I hope I’m a strong of Christian to not rub her hypocritical nose in it when Jesus lets her daughter crash hard into rock bottom someday soon.

lisahaight1969
lisahaight1969
9 years ago
Reply to  SoberChump

Most of the church members and the diocese turned a big blind eye to the whole mess.
The two Sinister Minister McCheater pants ( x and MOW ) have been parading around for 6 years now.
Two marriages – 5 kids and two discarded and abused ( gaslighted to the heavens ) spouses later they go fairly untouched.
Needless to say I have had a difficult time going back to organized religion!

SoberChump
SoberChump
9 years ago
Reply to  lisahaight1969

Thanks Lisa. So true. I have to say that my church that is baptist has been amazing. I go to several life groups a week, teach Sunday school and even had the treasurer provide free financial planning and even do my taxes. They’ve been my only support over last year. Several of the women have also reached out to my wife and she met with one who agreed to meet weekly but then my wife blew it off. She’s been running from God for obvious reasons. I pray everyday that he finds her but no longer am paralyzed by it.

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

Uh, that spelling is actually particularly. Jesus Cheaters have an effect on my spelling.

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

“Narcotheism”–priceless, Chump Princess!! I think my X subscribed to that.

Free
Free
9 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

My XH was definitely a narcotheist. He repented and felt forgiven each and every time he visited a prostitute. He pushed the 70 x 7 theology to the max and didn’t think this was a problem at all. In fact he always implied I was the bad Christian, funny that!!

kim
kim
9 years ago

YMBARC if your husband threatens to do something you fear, (don’t remember what it was) and you shrug and say, “well do what ya gotta do.” YMBARC if your husband comes home from work in the middle of August and is aghast because the AC is running and he notices a window is open. He’s about to unleash on you, but instead of being ashamed and apologetic, you say, ” Oh, the window’s open? Why don’t you close it?” YMBARC, if, while hanging your husbands clothes on the line, he comes to stand behind you, and tries to tell you how you are doing it wrong, and you drop the peice of clothing you are currently ready to pin on top of the clothes basket and walk away. YMBARC, if you do the same thing when he tries to tell you how to cook Thanksgiving dinner. 😉

MmmHmm
MmmHmm
9 years ago
Reply to  kim

Wow Kim, you’re my hero. The part about not being afraid when your ex threatens you…I’m not there yet. My exH threatrns to take me back to court anytime he doesn’t get what he wants. He makes 3 times as much as me and he lives with his mom so he has no bills. Ever heard of a 39 year old man making a 6 figure salary and living with his mom? My point- he can afford to financially ruin me with legal fees. He knows it too. He knows me (being a single mom with 3 kids) well enough to know that not being able to provide for my kids is my biggest fear. And he uses that to his advantage. What do you tell yourself in order to have peace with calling your ex’s bluff?

Kat
Kat
9 years ago
Reply to  MmmHmm

“Ever heard of a 39 year old man making a 6 figure salary and living with his mom?”

Ditto. Only my ex is 42. And he’s a bully too. I hate this fear of him thing. I think somehow that’s where all my anger went. It’s like it got crosswired into fear. So I’m working on letting my anger actually exist and flow.

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago
Reply to  MmmHmm

MmmHmm–That is bullcrap. Are the 3 children with your cheater X? If so, you have a LOT of leverage. He can’t change the terms of support without proof of change in his circumstance, and if he takes you to court for any reason, you can countersue for your legal bills. Make sure he knows this, and that you will stand up to him; that should put an end to his bullying.

Friend
Friend
9 years ago

You Might Be A Recovered Chump if you tell someone to “get the fuck away” the first time they use you and then lie to you. And you say it with all your heart and mind. And they come back to you, years later, grateful that someone had the intestinal fortitude to call them on their BS.

YMBARC if you have moved on, and those once magic hands of his are now just dead and creepy.

YMBARC if you can go a few days without ChumpLady. ((♥))

k
k
9 years ago

oh my god CL ! You’ve nailed it again ! I’m just curious. how many chance out there heard the words I love you but I’m not in love with you as one of their explanations of why they were so unhappy?

Erbrown83@gmail.com
Erbrown83@gmail.com
9 years ago
Reply to  k

I got a version of that too! He just “lost the feelings”! Funny- pretty sure you think you founnd them in the whores pants but maybe that’s just me!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago

I got “I never loved you, I just wanted to live somewhere safe” and the next day a complete reversal about how he could not live without me, I was “his path”. Asshole. I believe he told me the absolute truth that one time, he never loved me.

Lina
Lina
9 years ago
Reply to  k

I got it too. So high school.

SoberChump
SoberChump
9 years ago
Reply to  k

I may be one of the few men on here but I got the same line from my wife along with most of the rest of the predictable list. After a year she’s still in the fog and blaming everything wrong in her life on me. Unless it has to do with drop off or pickup I don’t respond to her and never talk to her. Been two months since she snuck back to the scumbag on Valentine’s (predictably lame, huh?) and I’ve kept up my boundary. If the dirtbag is in your life I’m not. Love the tax comments. I just filed alone which definitely cost me a couple grand but she has the business we started together and she used to find her affair for past year never paying taxes. She knew if she went back to him she’d be on her own and tax day came and went yet I don’t think she filed anything! Eventually the fairytale will crash hard.

TheMuse
TheMuse
9 years ago
Reply to  SoberChump

I like the idea of tax consequences on these cheaters. Serves them right. Not surprising many of them are also tax cheaters.

Blown Away
Blown Away
9 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

There was cheating in many areas of the scumbag’s life. He is simply above the law…God’s and man’s.

Trusting
Trusting
9 years ago
Reply to  k

Enough for it to get an acronym 🙂

TheMuse
TheMuse
9 years ago
Reply to  k

Mine said: “I care deeply about you but I don’t love you.”

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

I got the ILYNNILWY speech. He said he loved me but not in a “I want to live with you kind of way.” He kept saying he cared about my well being. Everything he was doing contradicted what he was saying. Made me feel crazy.

TheMuse
TheMuse
9 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Though the night before he said that (i.e., before D-Day, when I went upstairs to go to bed, he kissed me and said “love you!” the same way that he did every night for sixteen years. Go figure. How was I to know? I guess it depends on the definition of “love” LOL.

WhatAChump2015
WhatAChump2015
9 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Everyday before he got his apartment “to work on himself” he would tell me he loved me, kiss me morning and night, sleep cuddled up and still have sex even the night before. It was the same as always. Even after he texted me that he missed me and loved me. Then DDay and all I’ve heard are the crickets. Wow.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
9 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

I got that he loved me like a sister, but felt no passion for me.

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

I got “I’m trying to find myself.”

I think he’s lost in a national forest and needs to give it up. Asshole.

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

The buzzards might get him before he finds himself.

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

We could only hope, although I think even the buzzards might reconsider that rancid carcass.

SoberChump
SoberChump
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

I got the “love you more like a brother” too. Seriously, it’s so predictable. Once you read a bit you see how foolish it all
is but they’re all insane yet exactly the same.

BoundaryGirl
BoundaryGirl
9 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

I got that line and the sister bit after I caught them “red handed” (LOL). Later that devolved to “We grew apart.” “Oh is THAT what happened?” was my snark back. Crickets.

Verity297
Verity297
9 years ago
Reply to  BoundaryGirl

Yep. we ‘grew apart’ too, apparently I just hadn’t noticed.
And I also got “I’ll always care about you as the mother of my children”.
Except he didn’t, nor did he care about the children.

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
9 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Huh. I got that one too. And that she loved me like a good friend that she wouldn’t want to marry.

With Brave Wings
With Brave Wings
9 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Same dribble from the ex, too!

With Brave Wings
With Brave Wings
9 years ago

DRIVEL!!! c’mon now Brave, get it together.

Nicole S
Nicole S
9 years ago

I got a weird version. I got “I want to sail around the world one day and you don’t, so I’m going to need to find someone who does.” Little did I know at the time that he was already working on getting that person. She’s already dumped him. I think he’s busy doing the “pick me dance” with her. Poor sausage.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
9 years ago
Reply to  Nicole S

One of the many similar lines my ex used was, “I need a Christian family I can take to church.” I guess he felt Jesus was okay with that family being created through adultery.

He also said, “I need a woman who is an extension of me.” Oh, and he also needed “a woman who runs marathons.”

I guess I’m a recovered chump, because I laugh at his insanity now, but it sure wasn’t funny while it was happening.

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

You WERE a marathon runner, Glad, and that marathon was your marriage to a lying pos cheater. You had the stamina to outlast him as he disintegrated. And to care for your son and yourself and to pick up the pieces. You are marathon woman and he is a worm.

SheChump
SheChump
9 years ago
Reply to  Nicole S

I got the similar ‘I never loved you’ at the same time he said he was capable of loving many different people. (this included his whore, I guess) Oh, what a loving guy! He doesn’t have a clue what love is!

Roberta
Roberta
9 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

I got that variation also! I’m so glad he’s history!

mary
mary
9 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

I got that he cared about OW but did not love her – she got that he cared about me but did not love me. He is with her now so lets hope he is clear about who he loves, who he cares about and who he lies to….as long as he leaves me out of it.

TiredMomma
TiredMomma
9 years ago
Reply to  k

Yep yep, got that one too. ><

lisahaight1969
lisahaight1969
9 years ago
Reply to  k

I got that speech. Big Red Cheater Flag. I bet most of us did!

Roberta
Roberta
9 years ago
Reply to  lisahaight1969

I got it also ladies! Must be the first line in the second chapter of The Official Cheater Handbook! Good Lord these fools are so unoriginal!

Ashley
Ashley
9 years ago
Reply to  lisahaight1969

I got that speech too! At first, he said it was his issue, he needed help, he was dis guested with himself etc. then the narrative changed to me being abusive, controlling, manipulative, and crazy (yes all 4). Can we say projection much?!

Jeepin4me
Jeepin4me
9 years ago
Reply to  Ashley

I got the exact same speech Ashley…I remember how badly it hurt me and how scared I was that the ‘man’ that I was so in love with could just rip my heart out like that and smile while he did it…and meow at me…yep…like a cat…I like cats…I don’t like him 🙂

YMBARC if remembering the awful hurt doesn’t hurt anymore 🙂

YMBARC if you know you are strong…even when you are scared.

YMBARC when you are excited about your future…not scared anymore.

YMBARC when you can look back at how far you have come ALONE and be proud of your accomplishments and choices.

YMBARC when you are no longer triggered every time you turn around.

YMBARC when you can sell every gift you were given by the cheater since the beginning of time and just smile as you pocket the cash 🙂

k
k
9 years ago
Reply to  Ashley

Yes I too got the very same four plus “you’ve let yourself go” not a recovered chump yet but I can laugh at these comments now at least.

Sounreal
Sounreal
9 years ago
Reply to  k

Ooh, I got the “you’ve let yourself go” thing too! All this after I had been working out, lost weight but I was pregnant at the time….

k
k
9 years ago
Reply to  lisahaight1969

oh I’m sure you’re right Lisa. But when I got it I didn’t realize it was a big fat red cheater flag. Did you?

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
9 years ago
Reply to  k

I got a version of it. I got “I don’t feel in love with you anymore and you deserve to have someone who loves you the way you love” (didn’t realize there was more than one way to love *sarcasm*).
And no, I didn’t realize it was a red flag for disorder at that time, it just hurt and I wondered what I could’ve done to make him fall out of love with me. I wondered how he could fall out of love with me while I treated him so well when I was still loving him while he treated me like garbage.

I had no idea at the time that he was incapable of pure unconditional love.

kar marie
kar marie
9 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

No cheater is capable of unconditional true love. They are not wired that way if they were they wouldn’t do the devastation they do.

SoberChump
SoberChump
9 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

I also heard, “I wish I had been honest with myself and you concerning how unhappy I was for years. That’s why it’s not hard for me bc I’ve already processed the loss of our marriage but ‘m so sorry that it’s hurting you so much.” Freakin narcissists!

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
9 years ago
Reply to  SoberChump

Dear Leolion and others,

I am late to the party, as usual……

On this topic, my best illustration so far is this:

Would you expect a rapist and their victims to feel the same way about rape? Would you expect to ‘move on’ from an attack the same way the rapist has?

Seriously?! I mean, we have all heard some version of ‘move on, your ex has’ or ‘the other person is over it, why aren’t you?’

What these cheating scumbags do to us is far more serious than physical rape or assault, yet we are scolded for not ‘being over it’ or for not ‘being fine’ about the shattering of our lives!

Replace the words ‘cheating’ & ‘adultery’ with the word rape or murder or assault or what have you Then, it is so much easier to understand why the filthy cheaters seem to have ‘moved on’ or ‘be fine’ while we innocent ones are reeling.

We have been attacked & assaulted out of the blue by a ruthless ‘beast’ who has no compunction whatsoever with hurting or devastating another human.

By the way, Leolion, I do not see anything in your situation that would provide a basis for you to forgive that POPoo. Gotta meet certain criteria to receive forgiveness. Does not sound like he will ever meet the criteria…..

ForgeOn, all you precious ones!

Leolion
Leolion
9 years ago
Reply to  SoberChump

MmmHmm ^^^. THIS^^^. I am going through this right now. I am only alittle shy of 4 months since DD and it still hurts but what is worse is that he has moved on already. Yes, he is a serial cheater and it is hard enough to process that but he is keeping the Ho Worker. It hurts becuase I am learning to process the cheating and breakdown of our marriage but I am also trying to process that he can move on while we are still married.
It is crazy producing shit…I feel like I am swinging in every direction and somehow he seems fine. He asked for me to forgive him. He was crying and says he NEEDS that from me one day to be okay with all this crap that he has inflicted. Yep…..I know one thing and that is that won’t happen for a long time if ever!! What a POS!!

MmmHmm
MmmHmm
9 years ago
Reply to  SoberChump

Sadly, I think a part of that is true- it hurt us more than it hurts our cheaters because they have already ended the relationship in their minds. We haven’t been given the opportunity to process that yet. It made me feel blindsided. My husband had moved on to someone new but he hadn’t ended our marriage. I felt robbed of the opportunity to be as far along in grieving the end of my marriage as he was (not that I think he grieved anything). He didn’t want a divorce though. The divorce was my fault. He never intended for me to find out and end the marriage. If I would have just remained a clueless chump, our family would still be together. Ha!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
9 years ago
Reply to  SoberChump

I got this same line! Funny, he certainly SEEMED happy over those two decades.

SoberChump
SoberChump
9 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

The only one they were truly unhappy with was themselves.

kim
kim
9 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

I got a cheater speak head fucking version of the ILYBINILWY thing. After D day, I asked him if he was in love with her. He said that after being with her a few times, he realized that it only made him miss me that much more because he knew he USED to feel that way about me.

Nicole S
Nicole S
9 years ago
Reply to  kim

That’s probably true because it sounds like a narcissistic cycle.

k
k
9 years ago

Chumps not chance. Hate this auto correct..

Irene
Irene
9 years ago

YMBARC if you see stbx and feel nothing, except maybe sorry for him.
YMBARC when you meet a handsome new man who calls you Angel and the last thing X called you was a Crazy Bitch.
YMBARC if last year, the thought of selling and dividing everything made you sick and now you can’t wait for it to happen.
YMBARC if you are dreaming about your new life with new handsome man and X had only one function in your life…sperm donor, lol

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
9 years ago
Reply to  Irene

“Angel” vs “Crazy Bitch”, that’s funny !!!

TheClip
TheClip
9 years ago

YMBRC ish…. When you realize you NEED his GF to keep him occupied.

kim
kim
9 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Yes. Even before D day, when all I had was a hunch, I was grateful to the GF, because I couldn’t stand the thought of sex with the abusive ass hole who did nothing but criticize and alianate me. Jerk. Thank God for female narcles with built in kibble despensers in their crotches. 🙂

DoneNow
DoneNow
9 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Yep! God help us all when she disappears!

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
9 years ago

YMBARC if: you go on a date, and the guy pulls a monocle out of his shirt to read the wine list, and your inner chump screams “Narc!”
YMBARC if: you can finally realize & accept the role your own insecurities & FOO issues played in why you stayed with him so long, and you are relieved to discover that by dragging these demons out into the light, they will never trouble you again.
YMBARC (early days) if: while drawing up the dissolution paperwork, he waffles about whether or not he wants to accept a certain amount of money your still-chumpy ass has offered him (out of some chumpy version of fairness, which is actually not really fair to you — EnoughAlready, are you listening?), and you calmly say, “Well, you have to decide, yes or no.” And when he says, “No, I feel too guilty,” you say, “OK,” and move on to the next point.

Tempest
Tempest
9 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

“Jolly good, ole chap! We’ll have the Chateauneuf-de-Pape for me and my little crumpet here [signals to NWB]. No plonk for us! And what would you recommend from the menu? I’m terribly peckish. ”

Monocle, eh? What a tosser.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Or Mr. Peanut.

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
9 years ago

He was definitely MR PEABRAIN

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I swear, if someone pulled out a monocle on me, I would spend the rest of the date speaking in regency romance dialogue in an artisocratic British accent. I’ll see you a monocle and raise you a haughty aristrocrat. What a tool!

Drew
Drew
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

Lol, ChumpPrincess!

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

Ha!

EnoughAlready
EnoughAlready
9 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Yep.

TheUpwardWay
TheUpwardWay
9 years ago

YMBARC if your understanding of human nature has dramatically increased. Many of the “nice lies” society has led you to believe about human beings (and yourself) are now buried six feet under.

Part of being a recovered chump is being ‘unchumpable’ in the future. YMBARC if manipulative individuals can sense early up that you’re the ‘wrong tree to climb’. You have a strange kind of ‘repellant’ to these persons…

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  TheUpwardWay

Maybe that’s why I’m having trouble making new friends? I have a strange ‘repellant’ quality? LOL

magicrain
magicrain
9 years ago

you have the guts to call them the lying, cheating thief they are instead of walking on egg shells….AND you WALK ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET, you may stumble BUT you get back up… I am hoping to stop looking in the rearview mirror at some point.

danette
danette
9 years ago

YMBARC when you can finally relax because he’s out of your life forever and can no longer to mess with your head, your heart or your home.

Erbrown83@gmail.com
Erbrown83@gmail.com
9 years ago
Reply to  danette

THIS! Added… YMBARC if you happily hang up your Marriage Police badge and feel like you can breathe again!

Luziana
Luziana
9 years ago
Reply to  danette

^^^^^THIS!

Flowerlady
Flowerlady
9 years ago

YMBARC (or at least you have the potential) if D-day goes like this:
Him: This is just a bad bump and we will get through this and we will be better than ever.
Me: No, we won’t. I’ll never be able to trust you again and I’m not living like that. This is the deal-breaker and I have a no-tolerance policy for it.

moose
moose
9 years ago

YMBAR(ing)C if you keep it short and sweet on emails, facts only…and Lord knows, you like to talk!

Tayra P
Tayra P
9 years ago

YMBARC if you are to the point of forgiveness (for you own sanity, not his) because you realized he did you a big favor. You were miserable and rather than walk away you wait until he gets caught cheating. You divorce him, get everything you want in the divorce and live happily knowing that you are finally free and it wasn’t you that gave up.

conniered
conniered
9 years ago