Your Best Resentments

Okay, I know it’s not healthy to hang on to resentments. The goal here is “meh,” but that said, cheaters create some of the most ridiculous situations to resent. At the core is some over the top narcissism, that is still jaw dropping. I want to hear your best moment of resentment.

You may have the sadly ordinary tragicomic resentment — “While I was birthing your 9 lb offspring, you were off cheating with your coworker.” That’s shitty, (there is a special ring of hell for those who cheat on pregnant women), but for the healing amusement of fellow chumps, try and recall the most your most absurd moments.

Most absurd resentful situation gets a “meh” mug mailed to them. (Because after you dredge this shit up, please go right back to forgetting about it.) I’ll announce the winner on Friday.

The idea for this contest came to me when Namedforvera posted this fantastic comment, which might take the biscuit (or the “meh” mug).

I costumed a production of Amadeus where my wasband was Mozart opposite an actress, who, he later told me, aroused him so much “he finally knew what a *real* woman felt like.” This while I was working my fingers to the bone making 18th century frock coats, especially for him.

There is something perverse about a cheater dressed up as freakin’ Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart enjoying the narcissist fantasy of being the world’s greatest composer/lady’s man, while his poor wife unwittingly aided this delusion of grandeur by sewing his frock coat.

I’ll give you two from my infidelity experience. Strangely, they both involve food (or not so strangely considering the girth of my ex).

A couple months into our marriage, and less than a month after moving to a new state, he invites his family to come stay with us for a week. His elderly mother, his sister, brother in law, and two small children. Of course, he has to work. I’m purchasing and assembling beds. I’m scrambling to clean a giant, still unpacked house. I put out flowers in the bedrooms, chocolates on the pillows for godsakes. Want to please them, make a nice impression. I ferry his family to every tourist destination in Lancaster County, (they preferred the outlet malls). I cook the meals. Weekend comes and that Saturday he announces he has to drive to Virginia for “work.” But he’ll be back that night. REALLY? The weekend your entire family is here? The one day of the weekend you can really spend with them? You’re WORKING?

Whatever. We all roll with it. (Me, not happily.) He leaves at the crack of dawn and comes home around 7 p.m. Walks in the kitchen and I’m cooking tomatoes. First thing he says is — “That’s not the way to make stewed tomatoes.”

Like he is the World’s Foremost Expert on Stewed Tomatoes and I’m doing it all wrong.

(Had a huge fight about it later. I was completely baffled how anyone could be so unappreciative and critical when I was entertaining their family alone all day. This was, of course, before DDay.)

Next resentment of absurdity — It’s after DDay, we’re in marriage counseling, I’m in unicorn chump mode and still cooking for him. I make pasta for dinner one night, and he says to me — gently, in his best therapy speak, like he has a huge nugget of insight to share with me: “You know how in therapy, we’re supposed to say what’s really on our minds and what our needs are?”

Yes.

“Well, when you make my dinner — I like the ratio of sauce to pasta to be 2:1 — there’s not enough sauce on this. I need more sauce.”

Okay, chumps — top that. Bring it on, and Happy Labor Day weekend! I won’t be posting again until Tuesday. But I do look forward to reading your seething resentments.

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TJK
TJK
10 years ago

Back when my STBX and I were in marriage counseling, he complained that he didn’t feel appreciated when he got home from work. He wanted me to drop whatever I was doing when he got home, meet him at the door, and tell him that I was glad to see him. I was (like you) still in unicorn chump mode, so I agreed to do it- and did so for the next 10 months. If I was in the middle of cooking dinner, I turned off the stove and went to the door. If I was folding laundry, I put it down.

Cut to Dday when I found a secret account left open on his computer. As I read through his emails, I learned that he apparently had been meeting women- “to play” as he put it- at hotels during his lunch hour at work. And then coming home and expecting me to run to the door to let him know how glad I was that he was home. Talk about kibbles.

witty29
witty29
10 years ago
Reply to  TJK

A condition of our marriage was that our sex life was to be “spontaneous”

I thought that was fine…

…until one day he walked in the door after work, didn’t say a word, and just shoved his dick in my mouth. I obliged, because I was pretty well trained at that point.

But I didn’t hear the end of it for months and months… how my face hadn’t been eager and gleeful enough. How dare I! lol

Preya
Preya
10 years ago
Reply to  witty29

OMG, witty29. OMG.

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
10 years ago
Reply to  witty29

witty29,

I don’t think “spontaneous” means what he thought it meant. What a fly-infested, oozing carcas! And how dare your face be stunned and stupefied instead of eager and gleeful when someone walks up to it and unceremoniously shoves a dick in it. Imagine that!

These people’s pictures need to be hanging in the post office.

Dolly
Dolly
10 years ago
Reply to  TJK

I heard this same complaint. It wasnt only regarding me, but our 3 pre-teen girls. “They dont meet me at the door like they did when they were little.”. (This justified the idea that they would be just fine if he left.). So I tried to make them be all happy when he got home. Now that I know better, I was running a chump factory there…message: your feelings don’t matter, as long as yo’ man is happy.

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  Dolly

That’s the crux of it, isn’t it? The whole thing is about him/her being happy and if s/he is not well then they just have to go cheat. I realise now that not once did my happiness ever come up, or how I felt aobut things. It was all about him, him, him. What a dick.

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  TJK

We say over and over and over again how alike they all are…and it’s true. Ex said that when he came home it was like no one was happy he was there. Why? Because I would be cooking dinner while overseeing homework and doing laundry and dealing with fighting children and ferrying their friends home and listening to their problems…etc.

And apparently because I didn’t run to blow him the second he walked through the door he had to cheat. Oh, and he did everything for everyone and no one did anything for him. He actually said ‘I give so much and now it’s time to give to me’. Mind you, he had been cheating for years, it turned out, so he’d been giving to himself for a long time.

stephanie
stephanie
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

wow- I had identical experiences but my husband not only said he wasn’t appreciated, he told me that he’s attractive and fun and successful and that he was going to do what ever he wanted for himself from that point on! This, from a man who went on a minimum of 4 golf trips a year, played an average of 3 rounds of golf a week, “worked” both Saturdays and sundays, and even left us on Christmas morning as the kids were begging him to play with their new toys and I was cooking breakfast to “work out” because he ate too much the night before. One last caveat….. the same guy who made me walk around Manhattan to shop for office furniture for him directly following a four embryo IVF transfer…… Wait! Wait! this same person insisted we go out to dinner with me 37 weeks pregnant with twins for his birthday before we stop at the doctors office to have me checked out. You see, I started having Bell’s Palsy symptoms while getting ready to go out; facial paralysis, ear pain, dribbling from the left side of my mouth…… I did convince him to go to the OBGYN first, at which time it was ascertained that I had pre-eclampsia and Bell’s Palsy and I needed to take the babies out STAT. My MF-er asked the doctor if we could stop at a restaurant on the way to the hospital because he wanted his birthday dinner And here’s the pathetic part…..I’ve only scratched the surface. I could be here all night typing away. P.S. As they gave me an MRI to rule out a stroke and then prepped me for surgery, he went to the nearest steak house and had a rib-eye.

SummerGirl
SummerGirl
10 years ago
Reply to  stephanie

Wow, just wow, Stephanie. He sounds like not just a narcissist, but a real psychopath. So glad you survived and got the hell out of that insanity.

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
10 years ago
Reply to  SummerGirl

Stephanie,

I read your “incomplete” story with my eyes bulging and my mouth hanging open. “Douche” is too pleasant of a word to call him because a douche actually leaves you feeling fresh and clean on the inside – unlike your Turd of a Spouse.

I am reading the book “Almost a Psychopath,” and I’m thinking your almost XH has slipped over the line from “Almost” to actual “Psychopath.”

kb
kb
10 years ago
Reply to  stephanie

Wow! I would have said that the biggest birthday present was a healthy wife and baby!

Guess that’s the difference between a normal person and a NPD.

stephanie
stephanie
10 years ago
Reply to  kb

babies- I had two amazingly healthy babies.

Preya
Preya
10 years ago
Reply to  stephanie

🙂 🙂 🙂

Jane
Jane
10 years ago
Reply to  stephanie

Geez, Stephanie, I had a complicated twins pregnancy, I really feel for you. It’s more than physical, it’s emotional wondering if you will have two babies, if they will be early, healthy and so on. Every time you have too many contractions (I was on bed rest and monitoring) or anything it’s an emotional roller coaster.
I love my twins too, people would say “double trouble” and I’d answer “double pleasure.”

stephanie
stephanie
10 years ago
Reply to  kb

thank you everyone- nice to know there are normal people out there. Just to rub it in a little more….. He told me it was “no big deal” when I suffered my second miscarriage because it was only 9 weeks along. This was after numerous inseminations and my 4th IVF and I had seen the heart beating, went back for a follow up and noticed the little bleep stopped and the embryo was coming away from the uterine wall. Yeah sure…no big deal.

ChumpBlocker
ChumpBlocker
10 years ago
Reply to  stephanie

Stephanie, so sorry you went through that. I dealt with the pain of infertility for years and also had failed inseminations and IVF twins. I know how much stress it adds to a healthy marriage, so I can’t imagine what you went through with Mr. “No Big Deal.”

Preya
Preya
10 years ago
Reply to  stephanie

Stephanie, I am so sorry. The height of narcissism. He just wasn’t there.

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  Preya

Lyn, I agree. I just will not say that this was on me. Ex tells the kids that this happened because of me and him and that OW and all the rest had nothing to do with it. I simply tell them that when someone is dating a married person then yes, they are willfully and knowingly interfering in a family so she and the others did have something to do with what happened but that ultimately their dad is responsible for not honouring his marriage vows and his commitment to his family.

And I have no problem saying what he did and continues to do. If people perceive it as ‘bad’ then that should tell them something about him.

stephanie
stephanie
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I kicked him out the day after he told me he” wanted to do what he wanted for himself from now on”. That was Easter 2009. He left and never came back. Of course I did the pathetic begging…pleeeease come home……let’s do what ever we can to make it work…..act. Mind you, we were on our 9th year of therapy with a fucking quack (he still goes to him- as does half of his family). It was a very hard decision to tell him to go- my boys were 9 at the time and I hadn’t worked since my second trimester. I filed for divorce exactly a year later and it’s still not near the end. Long story……. Here’s some icing for the cake I’ve presented: His father left his mother for 5 years and came back, his oldest brother got caught cheating, his middle brother got temporarily kicked out (?) and his youngest brother is currently living with his babymomma and not settling his divorce with his wife that he cheated on for years. Genetics???
My mother in law said to me when he was first out, “I’m sure you yell at him and are tough on him when he comes home late” And I’m thinking to myself, “yeah, because he’s been travelling hundreds of miles to fuck a married woman for the past 3 years”
Feels good to get it off my chest- You see, he socially threw me under the bus so he could remain socially active in our community, telling everyone I’m crazy and he’s not involved with anyone, that I threw him out because I don’t like that he works out! (I’ve worked out for 27 years myself) I just hated when he would leave for 4 hours on Christmas morning, or 20 minutes before company was expected. And another kicker, he carried on inappropriate relations with two of these woman from our social circle…hundreds of texts and many many phone calls. Their husbands (his friends) have not seen the phone records- I have. They fawn over him and it makes me sick. He hangs out with the mothers and gets drunk with them while the husbands are out and the kids all witness it.

soyouseeit2
soyouseeit2
10 years ago
Reply to  stephanie

why is always a nice family that has some horrible tragedy …why can’t we read on the news that this entire family of fucktards crash and burn over a cliff somewhere

stuckinjax
stuckinjax
10 years ago
Reply to  stephanie

Agree completely that being silent is like being a doormat. My STBXH wanted us to tell our adult children that “it’s been bad for years.” Meanwhile he told our friends I’d been a bitch for years and had some kind of fake “man to man” talk with our son about our sex life (apparently I didn’t want sex! who knew! it was in fact just the opposite). God only knows what other lies he spewed. I became angry enough to come out with the truth to everyone who would listen. If he was ashamed of what he did, he shouldn’t have done it. Now he has no one.

Done
Done
10 years ago
Reply to  stuckinjax

Been a lurker here for a while and have learned SO MUCH. Anyway, I put up a profile of him on Cheaterville.com. Now when you type in his name in Google, about half-way down the page the cheaterville profile pops up. Tee hee.

Zee
Zee
10 years ago
Reply to  stephanie

Show the friends the phone records. They deserve to know he’s a pig and their wives are cheaters.

Lyn
Lyn
10 years ago
Reply to  Zee

I love how some people criticize you for saying what really happened and not sticking with the “it was mutual” story the ex promotes. Some of the most infuriating comments I got were “HE never says anything bad about you, you shouldn’t say anything bad about him.” This from the mother of my daughter-in-law. I wanted to punch her. Of course when a burglar breaks into your home and steals everything he doesn’t talk about it, but if it’s your house you yell it from the rooftops. That is the way it goes when one person totally takes advantage of another person.

kb
kb
10 years ago
Reply to  Zee

Yes.

I think that taking the high road is important, but that’s because it takes you to the appropriate goal. The idea is to achieve the settlement you want, the custody you can get, and to avoid the stigma of the crazy ex. However, taking the high road is different from being the complete doormat.

Quietly show the friends the phone records, telling them that you’d wished you’d been told. Then back off and let the chips fall where they may.

Oh, and yes, he’ll be furious.

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  Zee

Agreed. At some point the whole ‘high road’ thing starts to look to me like ‘continue being a doormat’. I’ve told people what happened and I’m glad I did. Otherwise his tales of ‘the marriage was crumbling’ and ‘I didn’t get enough affection’ and all the other horseshit he spewed would have taken hold.

I didn’t take out an ad in the paper but I told my friends and let the word get around. Quite frankly, after what I found out there was no way I was going to sit around and go along with some ‘nice’ story about why we were divorcing. I was quiet for a bit but something snapped in me one day and a friend told me to cut the crap and stop lying for him, even if it was by keeping silent. So I started telling people. The looks on their faces told me that no, this was not my fault. As one friend said ‘no matter what happened in your marriage no one deserved this kind of crap’.

Indeed. Tell a few people and see what happens. But be prepared for him to be furious.

Kelly
Kelly
10 years ago
Reply to  stephanie

Oh my god Stephanie, I think you win, what a complete and utter fucking asshole.

echo
echo
10 years ago
Reply to  stephanie

He deserved it silly! It was his birthday for heaven’s sake.

Linda
Linda
10 years ago
Reply to  TJK

I could have written this one. Exact same thing. In addition, I found a massage parlor he’d made a reservation with on his open computer. His response, “I can’t believe I left that open.”

jusduckie
jusduckie
10 years ago
Reply to  Linda

…or finding the OW’s exposed breast photo on the family computer. When I confronted my EX…his response was, “oh, sorry you saw that”. Asshole

CHAR
CHAR
10 years ago
Reply to  Linda

Isn’t it amazing that their most truthful moments always involve getting caught and wishing they hadn’t?

RCCola
RCCola
10 years ago
Reply to  Linda

What an ass. They suck!!!!

Deanna
Deanna
10 years ago
Reply to  TJK

Wow! Just wow!

Nat1
Nat1
10 years ago

I love that when we met I had so many ambitions and dreams. I had places to go, things to do, and he went along with every single thing I said. I didn’t notice that he never seemed to have any drive of his own. No goals. No damn ideas for goodness sake. So we get married. We struggled all the way financially so lots of my dreams got put on the back burner but I pursued a few. Yet when he left for OW I was “too negative for him, I’d lost my passion” and Miss 22 is a self professed “dream inspirer” who helps teens and their parents to realise their dreams!!!!!! This is her calling apparently!!!!! 18 years of my dreams down the gurgler. Screaming on the inside.

stephanie
stephanie
10 years ago
Reply to  Nat1

I was told I was too negative also. I didn’t like when he came home pie-eyed at 4 in the morning or when his reply to me when asked to leave a club or restaurant was, ” you fu#!%ng go”, and I would, leaving him to party with my “friends” who would drop him off at 3 am giggling loudly in front of my house.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
10 years ago
Reply to  stephanie

Oh. My. God. He is the most effeminate man I’ve ever seen. I’m only sorry I’ve upped his views. He’s going to think he’s really “reaching” his public. Hahahahahaha!

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  stephanie

Yes, Ex went through phases several times where he would be out very late, come home drunk, deny he was drunk and tell me I needed to stop nagging him because he was working late and doing it all for me. I actually bought into that shit or, often, just gave up because it wasn’t worth the hassle of arguing with him. I know now that he was off boinking whomever. This happened several times during one of my pregnancies. I was 8 months pregnant and he was out playing video games with his friends (cough) and didn’t answer his phone. At 3 or 4 am. Cue big fights and him telling me I was being ridiculous and hormonal. God, I look back now and I want to punch his face in.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
10 years ago
Reply to  Nat1

OMG, that sounds exactly like how my ex talks! All about how he is a “dream inspirer” and he “brushes away other’s negativity” and endless bullshit about “following his passions.” Oh, and doing things like throwing away a career to make YouTube videos of himself dancing to Peter and the Wolf while wearing skintight leotards just shows “how confident” he is.

violet
violet
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

I feel bad upping his view numbers, but I had to see what you were talking about. I am speechless.

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  violet

Had to go see – couldn’t watch either one all the way through. Ewww!

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago
Reply to  violet

He can’t see who’s viewed him, so you are safe. He sure is a wonderful specimen of a npd freak. His videos are rambling, go frequently off-topic and do not actually give out any useful information. His “meek,” “kind” demeanor, however, is what can rope someone in who does not know what to look for. He pulls every narc trick in the book including making the viewer feel sympathy for him. (bullied child) He professes to still love his ex and wishes her well. (seeeeee? I’m a really good, nice man.) However, if he had stayed married to you, he NEVER would’ve been able to pursue his dreams.

BULL FUCKING SHIT ASSHOLE!

oops… forgot to include a few things? like all the babes you needed to bang while still MARRIED in a not-so-thinly veiled attempt to prove to yourself that you’re not gay and that despite your lack of manhood (as clearly exhibited in the Peter and the Wolf nude tights dance of the fairy) are a wonderful specimen of masculine beauty and talent.

not.

But to him, not only is he God’s gift to the stage, there’s the benevolence. The most generous sharing of his tremendous well-spring of knowledge gained through his unique and most painful experiences. Barf bag. please. And, folks… only HE has cracked the code and is kind enough to explain to the rest of us well-meaning but dumb dolts how one can be successful at any (self-serving) idea, no matter how bizarre, unrealistic and grandiose it is.

We know to look at his eyes; there is nothing behind them. He’s a horrendous actor. I’m sure that his songs are equally bad. (couldn’t find them and no thank you anyway. heard and saw more than enough) He makes an insulting mockery of those of us who’ve spent a lifetime respecting and perfecting their art of dance, acting and music. Its all one big grandiose clusterfuck of pathology.

He’s so delusional, he will think that perhaps his “methodology” is finally taking hold and he’s gathering a following like a rolling stone.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

GIO, he won’t know where it came from and I did realize I gave him a view, sorry! I understand danger, I live that every day so I won’t look at any more.

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Me too
Once was enough!

echo
echo
10 years ago
Reply to  violet

I don’t think he would give you credit for increased views. He would think it’s his sparkliness. He appears to have a very small umm…brain.

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago
Reply to  echo

LOL!!!

Jane
Jane
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

LOL!!!! You could do a whole stand up routine using his antics.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I’m missing out, can’t figure good search terms

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

this got me there, ddw.

youtube motivational speaker “peter and the wolf”

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

CL, please delete the terms Laurel gave me from her post cos they are coming up on google analytics and I do not want anything to happen to GIO

Thanks

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

Ugh, you guys, I know he is bizarrely insane, and kind of hilarious, but he is also a sociopath. I don’t want him suspicious of how a bunch of new views came his way, and making any connection to me. He is dangerous.

RCCola
RCCola
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Judging by what you’ve told us about him I’m sure he’ll brag about all the new lives he has touched…

anudi
anudi
10 years ago
Reply to  RCCola

Yes, RC. He and his family are under the huge spell of dementia. They boast that the phenomenal rise of my ex was entirely his making! Thankfully, in Indian societies, people are more aware of others’ lives. Many of his relatives, people in neighborhood and others, who had seen my efforts during our 13 years of marital life, supported me vigorously and didn’t buy the rewritten history by them. It will haunt them for a lifetime as all people who matter in their lives know!
But, Karma has a strange way too. His last job was phenomenal and the success therein had gone into his head! He has been fired from his job on complaint of sexual harassment and is jobless at the moment. 😉

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

I think I put in Peter and the Wolf, and motivational
It’s fuckin BIZARRE, not that my X is any more normal, in his own way!
Just LOLs!!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
10 years ago
Reply to  PattyToo

GIO,

It took me until today to even comment because I was stunned beyond silence. Anytime you spent with him was a favor to him and the gods who sent you to him. My prediction for your future is that you will meet someone wonderful, who is not only intelligent, caring and honest, but this person will also be able to, shall we say, fill out a leotard, although Lord knows he won’t ever wear one.

stephanie
stephanie
10 years ago
Reply to  PattyToo

OMG- I viewed the Utube videos. Im speechless. Im also certain that he’s gay.

Stephanie
Stephanie
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

OMG. Wow.

I’m so sorry, GIO. You should really be glad it’s over. I just watched the video he made, lying in bed, naked (?), discussing his new book which I’m sure will be a page-turner.

Oh, my.

ThatGirl
ThatGirl
10 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

I just found them too!

OMG OMG OMG

I couldn’t help it, I watched a few. I just couldn’t believe that he is serious, but he is.

The leotard, the flute, his earnest delivery of his life tips. Just. No. Words.

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

oh gawd… I found them too.

I’ve been studying dancing almost my entire life.

He’s the suckiest and you can hear the audience laughing out of embarrassment for him.

oh, and has he come outta the closet yet? cause I don’t know any straight man who would prance around like a fairy.

MovingOn
MovingOn
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

GIO… you are kidding me!!!! That is both sad and hilarious.

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  Nat1

Yep, I was ‘too negative’, basically because I didn’t cheerlead every single thing he did (actually, I did) and after he lost his third job and we moved again I lost my shit a couple of times and had some big meltdowns. Why? Because I was scared shitless that we were going to go under…because while I was always saving money he was saving nothing and it was my savings that bailed us out each and every time.

another Erica
another Erica
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

yeah, it’s pretty insane. They don’t see us offering suggestions and trying to help as support. Only saying “you’re right!” and “poor baby” count.

Nat1
Nat1
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

Ah but see the same thing happened to us and when I lst my shit for fear of going under I was being “selfish” then

kb
kb
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

I’m too negative even when I do cheerlead him on. The problem? I don’t cheerlead him from his perspective. If I choose a different perspective for the cheerleading, I’m “tearing him down.” Whatever.

My WTF resentment moment came shortly after Dday. Back story. STBX has real issues with his feet. They always hurt, and he wears orthotics to help. Shortly after our marriage, I started to massage his feet so that they’d hurt less. He liked this. I did it pretty much every freaking night for 16 years. I started to resent it, as he never offered to massage my back after I’d spent all day on my feet doing things for him.

Then, just after Dday, I’d read a bunch of texts between him and OW about how much they lurvved each other, couldn’t wait to see each other, how much I sucked, and how they were planning on a motel getaway for a couple of hours. About an hour after reading those texts, I went upstairs to our bedroom, where STBX was in bed, his feet on the covers. Yes, he wanted his feet rubbed.

soyouseeit2
soyouseeit2
10 years ago
Reply to  kb

feet on the bed huh ? I would have grabbed a club and pulled a Kathy Bates on him the POS

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  kb

Heh. I used to give ex backrubs all the time. Then, after who knows how many years and a couple of kids I realised I was never getting a back rub. So I started asking for them. He apparently resented this as it lowered the number of back rubs he got.

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

KB and Nord, I rubbed his back for 35 yrs, almost every day, and same thing, funny how I’d do a full-on total backrub, and he would rub me for all of 5 mins and then it was boring and he’d stop (or try and turn it into sex!). The thing I used to think was- at least it’s a great work-out for me.

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  PattyToo

Yes, the backrub as prelude to sex. Which isn’t a bad thing, mind you, just not every time. Sometimes I am knackered and just want to be taken care of but nope, not on with ex. If there wasn’t something in it for him then it wasn’t going to be worth it. Oh, and I once pushed his cold feet away from mine on a cold winter’s night. This meant I was rejecting him.

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

no, no, no. We’re not allowed to be scared when they lose their jobs. (probably because they were either looking at porn or fantasizing about it or texting their fuckbuddies.) We are supposed to blow them and then go sign up for welfare, all the while telling them how wonderful they are.

It won’t stop them from cheating however. He’ll say that you didn’t put enough sauce on the pasta. (just dump the entire pot of it over his fucking head). He was depressed. He needed “stress relief.” on and on…

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

OMG Laurel, I was trying to pick something from the smorgasbord of horrendous things I’ve been through. Dumping a pot of Spaghetti sauce on him- I did that!
One night he went across the street to her house, and told me he’d be ‘back in 15’. The front always was- she’s his pal, she needs something/wants to show him something, so I told him I was cooking pasta, please come right back. I LOVE to cook, and am pretty good at it, and it’s rare I have time anymore. I made this righteous Bolognaise sauce, it really was the best I ever did, couldn’t wait for us to eat it (he’s
American Italian). Sooooo, fast forward 2 1/2 hrs, Assface walks in the door with a bisquit and tells me ‘sorry, she cooked a chicken, I had to have some, it was reslly good,and I brought u a bisquit!’
I’m sure you can imagine my rage (I knew he’d been doing her for awhile), I looked at the stove, the pot was there (and hot), and I grabbed it and launched it and it hit him dead center in the chest, and all over the walls! He was stunned, I got a weird sense of true happiness that minute, it was worth it (even though I got to clean it up of course). The funniest part was when my middle son came out of his room, trying not to laugh, and asked what happened. I told him it was kind of embarassing, why do you want to know? He said- because it’s potentially hilarious! I told him, and it was pretty funny, because he knows his Dad, he had it coming, and I’m glad he wore that sauce!

kb
kb
10 years ago
Reply to  PattyToo

Where’s the “Like” button? 😀

Kelly
Kelly
10 years ago
Reply to  kb

Ditto, like!

Deanna
Deanna
10 years ago

During my unicorn phase and after our marriage counselor fired us because Richard the Brave would not end his affair, I asked him to cut contact with his girlfriend for one month to focus on what we had and how great it was. On Halloween, he stood in the kitchen, held my hands, and looked me in the eye to tell me he was going to try the month thing for me. The very next (12 hours after his vow!) day he flew to Arkansas for a golf outing that was really a weekend in L.A. with his “everything.”

donewit
donewit
10 years ago
Reply to  Deanna

Oh yeah, mine too – his response to the one and only time we went to a marriage counsellor was why do I have to give up my girlfriend?

mzmama
mzmama
10 years ago

When our youngest was 4 years old, she snuck some Easter candy after having been told that she would have to wait until after dinner. Wasband and I discussed the issue alone and decided together that her punishment would be to have no candy for one week – he was totally on-board. We sat her down and explained why she had to wait and that the sneaking around was the main issue. Two days later wasband took both children to the movies and bought them both candy. He told them not to tell me. Later the four-year-old confessed to me and when I confronted wasband he said he was just trying to teach our children that some rules are meant to be broken and they don’t always have to obey “The Man”. I shoulda known then…

Patsy
Patsy
10 years ago
Reply to  mzmama

a week is way too long for a 4 year old. Just a gentle chat about sneaking candy would have done. 4 years old is so little.

However, what he did was unforgiveable.

james
james
10 years ago
Reply to  mzmama

Was he in the black panthers and was it 1972?

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago
Reply to  mzmama

this one makes me so angry, I just can’t tell you, but don’t beat yourself up. We all have gone through some variation of “I shoulda known then…” what an abusive pig he is! And a man who abuses his children is the lowest form of life there is!

soyouseeit2
soyouseeit2
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

what about a woman?

Bobbie
Bobbie
10 years ago

When I was in the hospital after the birth of our son, he fought me on the name… it was 3 days later before we settled on a name, and yes, i caved! I didn’t know at the time he was cheating with the neighbor lady (and, a few other women) during my whole pregnancy. I resent that he would even think he had any say in naming our son when he was degrading his son’s mother in front of the whole town! Oh, I found out later that he was with her one night after leaving my hospital bed… Shows just how little he was thinking of his son! Oh, how i resent that!!!

Bobbie
Bobbie
10 years ago

Sorry double post!

CHAR
CHAR
10 years ago

So many examples to choose from….but this probably is the best:

My wasband and I had a HUGE argument while sitting naked in the hot tub about the fact that – even though recently I’d become very aware of the financial shell game he’d been playing for the past 15 years, he still wanted to go to the national teacher’s union “partyfest” – the NEA representative assembly being held in New Orleans in summer 2010. He had just gone to this in 2009 in San Diego and had padded days on both ends at our expense because he “had never been out west.” I said it was too expensive….and when he pushed, I finally said – fine – I’ll go with you then and we can at least enjoy it like our 10th anniversary (also in NOLA.) He FLIPPED OUT, stormed naked out of the hot tub (this is January 2010, BTW in PA- so shrinkage was inevitable) and said he had important work to do and I just had to understand that.

This fight continued into the next day when he announced that he was going to his best friend’s fishing cabin 2 hours away to “think about us.” I was terrified – chump that I am – I thought I’d been unreasonable, had pushed too far, had not appreciated the hard work he did for the union. As I sat there gulping down tears, he comforted me and said that this didn’t mean he was leaving or anything, but we needed time to figure out how to be better partners and lovers in the marriage. We each agreed to write a list of ten things to make things easier in this phase of our life together. He called pretty frequently from the lake, told me how the cabin was smelly, the lake was peaceful, he’d seen some deer and how quiet it all was. When he came home three days later, we met, had dinner out, shared our lists (his was all about making me more a part of his travels with the union, more time with his family, finding time to tell me that I’m the most important person in his life and always would be, etc.)

Flash forward to July 2010, post D-day. I’m combing through phone records piecing together the copious times he was screwing the OW……and I find on the January dates that we had the fight and he went 2 hours away to the cabin to “think”…..he was actually on a plane to Boston (using a ticket she purchased for him) to shack up in her room while she attended a regional NEA conference. When I confronted him – he was livid that I’d tracked all this down, and when I asked how he possibly could have been giving me any thought when he was spending every free moment screwing her, he actually had the nerve to say “Hey – I had free time when she was at the conference – and I thought about you and how to make our marriage better then!

And the most absurd part was – he really believed himself – he had lied and deceived so much that he had finally fallen victim to his own false narrative. He to this day continues to tell anyone who listens that he is a good guy who just didn’t handle this “situation” as well as he could of. But he’s a “good guy.”

SummerGirl
SummerGirl
10 years ago
Reply to  CHAR

Geez, if that’s being a “good guy”, what the heck is being a “bad guy” supposed to mean? My stbx liked this tactic too, when called out on his bad behavior. “I’m a good guy, my friends all say so. Say whatever sh*t you want, I don’t care.”

And you hit the nail on the head, CHAR: they truly believe their own BS. What amazingly “good people” they are (and what horribly “bad people” us chumps are)! We “should feel lucky” have such “amazing people” in our lives at all, or so such cheaters often like to say. It’s just plain crazy.

One of the few comforts I’ve had moving on is realizing – like CL has often said – that you can’t argue with, reason with, negotiate with, or have any meaningful agreement with Crazy. It is just not possible. That mental deck is rigged and the house always wins. Heck, we don’t even know we are in the casino…

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago
Reply to  SummerGirl

My X told me, while we were in the middle of discussing his 4 year adultery spree with the neighbor, ‘I like me!’
I think he was trying to convince himself.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
10 years ago
Reply to  PattyToo

Right before walking out on me and our 20+ year marriage, ex announced, “I like myself just the way I am. I never want to change.” I guess he likes being a cheating, lying freak.

Casey
Casey
10 years ago
Reply to  SummerGirl

Oh, the good guy bit….
Yes, after his AP was arrested for her dui and hit and run and made the front page of the paper along with her mug shot. I so kindly went out and purchased several of those papers and left them on the table as he was living in the basement and will not leave. Later that night, I confronted him about what an idiot he is and what a class act she is. I am sure her husband and kids are so proud of her….. You picked quite a winner – now everyone can see this awesome person that you threw away your family for. Hell, even our kids can see who she is. Bravo!!! I told him that in my book he is a bad person and his response was “I am a good person. There are always other books.”
Problem solved then. Just get another book. Poor sausage… LOL

CHAR
CHAR
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Excellent comparison!

Preya
Preya
10 years ago

I experienced a serious back injury. My husband’s negligent, narcissistic behavior was a major contributing factor to the injury occurring because he left me alone while I was very ill and in a delirious state. I later read that narcissists are unable to judge critical illness situations. The back injury nearly paralyzed me from the waste down; For 18 months after the injury, top US neurosurgeons diagnosed that one small fall or fender bender would cause paralysis from the waste down. The injury included a complicated, painful, years-long healing process. A week after the initial injury, my 18-year-old son, in another city, needed emergency surgery. Husband couldn’t attend either of us because he had a business trip to a city across country that included staying with his travel prostitute in a secluded house on a lake for three days. I traveled to my son and stayed alone through his recovery. For a week, we were both in a very sorry state. We needed help desperately. Narcissism is dangerous to your mental, emotional, spiritual, social AND physical health.

Patsy
Patsy
10 years ago
Reply to  Preya

Wow Preya, that is interesting. My H nearly drowned two of our children because he did not check them once.

He also ignored me whilst my strep throat got worse and worse, I could not call out because I had no voice and had to break a cup on the floor to get his attention, to take me to hospital. I wasn’t making a fuss, I got IV antibiotics.

He was angry about the mark on the floor.

You are right, they are so bad for you.

Preya
Preya
10 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

The near drowning of two children? You’d think this stuff would wake us up to what is going on, but somehow it doesn’t. That’s a whole area to explore. Why does it take so much to wake us up to what is going on?

RCCola
RCCola
10 years ago

I resent the fact that the four times I went overseas. She couldn’t find it in her to be there with our daughter and the other wives and families to greet me when I got off the plane. I resent the fact she broke into a family friends house to steal prescription pills was caught on video tape and couldn’t find the courage to apologize to them face to face. I reswnt that for eleven years she couldn’t remember my fucking birthday. I resent that she said I was hard to shop for and that is why she would never buy me anything…..fucking bitch

Patsy
Patsy
10 years ago
Reply to  RCCola

RC, that not buying you anything? Classical hallmark of a narc. Because they have nothing inside of them, they just cannot GIVE.

RCCola
RCCola
10 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

Patsy,

Yeah i wish I knew that before..

RCCola
RCCola
10 years ago
Reply to  RCCola

Oh I also resent the fact that she cheated on me multiple times.

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago
Reply to  RCCola

I’ve wondered if that tells you the marriage is bad, not getting gifts. I tried everything to jumpstart him giving me fucking anything at Xmas, never worked. I know it proves they’re a self-absorbed Narc!

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
10 years ago
Reply to  PattyToo

Mine used to steal and wrap office supplies from work for my Christmas gift. One year, I got a box of copy paper. He also made note that it is for both of us to use in the printer.

kb
kb
10 years ago
Reply to  PattyToo

PattyToo–I don’t think it’s necessarily a sign that the marriage has gone south if there are no gifts. One of my former colleagues was married 40 years to a man she credited for saving her sanity after a horrendous childhood. They married when she was 18, and stayed married til his death 40 years later. He was a gentle, geeky man–almost a stereotypical engineer in that he could get completely lost in his work.

His sun rose and set around her, and she loved him to pieces. However, he could never keep birthdays or holidays in his head. He finally started using a Blackberry for all of that. It didn’t matter, though, because he’d do little, spontaneous things, or offer to take her out to dinner.

I think, more than the actual presents or remembering the major things like anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, birthdays–the more important thing is the desire to do little things like bring home flowers, or whatever. This is what makes the difference between a forgetful, but loveable spouse, and the “too busy” narcissist who just can’t be bothered.

RCCola
RCCola
10 years ago
Reply to  PattyToo

I don’t know it seems petty but I went out of my way to get her things she wanted and surprised her all the time. She always said the things I wanted were too expensive. Thing is if she would’ve bought me a sketch book and pencils or paints I would’ve been ecstatic. Her doing things with me also was impossible. I got the we are always together why do you need me to do this with you. She needed to have tje surprise expensive vacations and that’s impossible to give on my salary and when she didn’t get the concept of saving money. Grrrr she sucks

Lyn
Lyn
10 years ago
Reply to  RCCola

Sometimes I think about all the surprise dinners and parties I gave him for special events like his graduations and milestone birthdays. He never once threw a party for me, although he usually gave me some type of gift. Many of my milestone birthdays he was out of town on business trips.

river
river
10 years ago

Okay, mine is probably not a cup winner, but here is a favorite little tidbit from my relationship, which I was reminded of by CL’s 2:1 ratio story:

Before we were married, X and I went to couple’s therapy. At some point, X was talking to the therapist about how selfish I was. She asked for an example. In a disgusted tone of voice that some people reserve for child molesters, X told her “She never pushes in her chair. Nooooo, when she is done sitting, she just GETS UP! No thought for anyone else!!”, and as he said this he stood up and threw his hands in the air, in imitation of my cavalier ways. After that day, the therapist suggested that X set up IC sessions as well.

Janey
Janey
10 years ago
Reply to  river

My abusive ex once berated me for
“walking into the room in a controlling way”

river
river
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I actually took this to heart and tried to be more conscious of my chair-exiting etiquette! Walking on eggshells much?

Red
Red
10 years ago

Oh, my – there are so many to chose from! Here’s the one that cut me to the core:

Spring, 2008. XH is a college professor who runs a lab year ’round and teaches two grad school level classes in the spring. He’s always busy in the spring, preparing lectures, but that year was particularly bad, because in addition to his work stuff he was also working out regularly with one of his female grad students. Since he’d helped another girl get in shape for her wedding when he was a grad student himself 16 years earlier, I didn’t think anything of it. He’d leave the house at 6:30 am and often not return until midnight or 1 am. He never helped with kids, the house, the bills, anything. He was always gone. I was never so glad for a semester to be over in my life, so we could be a family again.

But it didn’t happen.

He was still spending lots of time at work; he also started spending more time at the stables riding, and he joined the Knights of Columbus. We still had no time together, he was still always short with the kids. Annoyed, I arranged for us to go out to lunch in late June while the kids were at summer camp.

Having kept my mouth shut for months over his continued absences all spring, I told him he needed to cut back on the extra-curricular stuff and start spending more time with me and the kids. He told me no.

“My friends say I should put my foot down and insist,” I said.

“Really?” he snorted. “And did they say how they were going to support you after I divorce you for being such a f*cking nag?”

I stared at him in disbelief. I couldn’t believe my ears. I complain ONCE…and he’s ready to divorce me? Say WHAT?

I ended the lunch and went back home – and cried. I didn’t understand what was happening, where he was coming from. Listless, with some time on my hands before I had to leave to pick up the kids, I went to my computer to look at the headlines. One in particular caught my eye: 10 Signs He’s Having an Affair.

I clicked on it…and discovered XH matched 7 of the 10: working out, working late, obsessed with appearance, guarding his phone, etc. I couldn’t believe it. I WOULDN’T believe it.

Ten days later, after looking at the phone records, I believed it. He was texted OW 1,000x a month, usually when I was asleep, at church, or he was driving to and from the stables, or the Knights of Columbus meetings. No, he wasn’t going to church with me, but yes, he was pretending to be a good Catholic devoted to his community – all the while carrying on with OW, the – you guessed it – 20-something grad student he was working out with.

Chumpity, chump, chump…

Lyn
Lyn
10 years ago
Reply to  Red

Mine would call and talk to his coworker girlfriend for hours at airport layovers, then text me “leaving now” as he boarded the plane.

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Lyn – my XH did the same thing. He went for a job interview in another state, called me that night, and we talked for 7 minutes. Then he hung up and called OW; they talked for 3 hours.

SummerGirl
SummerGirl
10 years ago
Reply to  Red

What an a*hole, so sorry that you had to deal with this. Abuse ala “you are not the boss of me” and “screw it all to hell” and “how dare you question me” style. These types LOVE to cut you down, ruthlessly and utterly, if you have even the slightest backbone. They love power and control more than anything (over you, money, kids, time, other women, information, etc.).

I literally felt that “WHAT?” moment all the way down in the pit of my stomach, from my own similar past hit and runs from my stbx. Hope you’ve been able to move on.

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  SummerGirl

Thanks, SG!

“These types LOVE to cut you down, ruthlessly and utterly, if you have even the slightest backbone. They love power and control more than anything (over you, money, kids, time, other women, information, etc.).”

I had a HECK of a backbone when we were first married, but couldn’t find it to save my soul by the time we divorced. Now, 3 years after he moved out, I’ve rediscovered it, and he doesn’t like it. He still tries to treat me like the doormat he left, and gets ticked when I refuse cower and apologize.

EVERYTHING he says to me is negative, always blaming, always putting me down. I didn’t notice it while we were married – the proverbial lobster being boiled alive – but since it’s the only negativity in my life right now, it’s so obvious it’s ridiculous.

TennisHack625
TennisHack625
10 years ago

So many to choose from. The one that really killed me was her last paramour. I had lost my job in 2009. I was out of work for 11 months. Not once did she try to get a job. After I finally found a job 1.5 hours away and our savings depleted she insisted we remodel our bathroom. This should have been time to get our finanaces back in order. It turned out that our bathroom was being remodeled by the guy she was fucking for the year previous. I didn’t even know this guy existed until he did the bathroom. Every time I took a shower in their was a constant reminder of the affair.

In addition rather than selling the house and moving closer to work, she would not agree to sell the house. So dumb ass me continued to travel 3 hours a day for work for two years of this hell. When I finally got an apartment closer to work she magically got a full time job.

Lyn
Lyn
10 years ago
Reply to  TennisHack625

Well she needed you to spend all that time commuting so she had time for her extra-curricular activities!

chumpattny
chumpattny
10 years ago

My stbx had hooked up with a friend from her high a school years. I don’t know at what point during our marriage they had their PA, but the first I heard of him was that we were all driving to another town to meet a friend of hers for his daughter’s roller skating party. There, my step daughter met his son, ans they became each other’s first relationship. A few months later, I am doing his divorce for him for free. Within a year, he is homeless, and we house him, and his kids during his visitation over the holidays, rent free. So, I represented, helped, and befriended a man who was or had been sleeping with my wife. AND, he often tried to give me relationship advice, and to talk about God and morality. It just galls me.

tamara
tamara
10 years ago

Super long story made short:
My ex abuser and I were arrested in Panama on false charges. His business partner (an ex friend of mine, I chose to discontinue our friendship after she cheated on her husband and used us for a cover, among other things) was very wealthy and, we believe, paid off officials to have us thrown in jail. She then tried to steal all my property. I lost everything (she did not end up with most of it, but she damn sure tried). I was in jail for 32 hours, but he was transferred to maximum security prisons and stayed for 6 months. I can not describe what those were like. I lost our apartment, my business and our fishing boat, and worked everyday to get him released including dealing with his super fucked up family. He was sick, injured and mentally ill. finally got him on house arrest for medical reasons, where he stayed for the next nine months. All this time we were in negotiations with the accuser. At one point, late in the game, our attorney said he was afraid they were trying to get me thrown in jail to gain an upper hand in negotiations, so told me to go back to the US. I had not seen my kids for 10 months at this time, so gladly went. I left the abuser in the care of my attorney, who promptly took him out to casinos and whores. Several whores, who he evidently had had relationships with from before the arrest. I returned to Panama two months later to finalize his release, unaware of the whores.

I resent that.

When we finally returned to the US, I filed suit on our behalf against the woman that filed false charges against us. (We were all residents of Colorado, so though we had to argue venue and jurisdiction, we won.) We could not afford an attorney, even on contingency, so I filed pro se. I got the case far enough along that we finally got picked up by a great legal team. All this time, his PTSD was so severe he couldn’t hold a job. I worked full time, ran the case and tried to get his therapy taken care of. When he finally did get a job, while he was working he saw a woman falling down drunk on the side of the road, he stopped to help (such a nice man!) and this became his affair partner. I found out before our case went to court, but had to stay with him because I had lost everything, and my only hope of regaining anything was this suit. So I sent him to work in another state, and he begged and groveled until we were together, the he was his usual abusive self.

Yeah, I resent that.

We finally won the case, though I was the only one that saw any monetary gain (yay me!) and I left. That was almost two years ago. While I had kicked him out, he stayed with my best friend, in her spare room. I am here right now, and we were turning the mattress in the spare room, and all his pornography was still here, stuffed under the mattress like a high schooler. Super young women with large breasts. She and I laid down on the bed and laughed til we cried. Think I may finally be at meh.

MovingOn
MovingOn
10 years ago

I don’t have anything particularly funny or absurd. I think I mostly resent that I went back to work part-time because my ex’s job was on the line due to the recession, and he resented ME for that! I thought that I was being practical and careful, making sure that I had some employment in case he lost his job, and we had to switch roles (I had been a full-time SAHM for the six years prior to that). I would have gladly stayed a SAHM if he had shown any initiative beyond the grad degree he started, which is now going to take him five years to earn, so it’s not exactly something that would have helped us out right away. I knew that if he got fired, he would never go drive a UPS truck, stock shelves at Target, or wait tables somewhere– that sort of work was “beneath him.” So, in order to keep His Royal Hiney-ness from having to do such menial labor, I returned to work. As a result, my life became busier but was still manageable. However, instead of being happy that I had a good work-home balance for our family and that I was bringing home a paycheck, he felt sad and neglected, and he started up his A about a year later.

So, I resent that I was trying to do right by my family and be responsible, and he took offense to that because it meant fewer ego kibbles for him. There’s just no understanding crazy.

Diana L
Diana L
10 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

I bet if you hadn’t gotten a job, he would have complained that you didn’t help out financially – and had an affair.

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  Diana L

I didn’t get the job, mainly because that night was dday and I was a wreck for months after.

Stephanie
Stephanie
10 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

There are too many to list, but I wanted to chime in on this one, for my xH was fond of talking about HIS money, because we had separate bank accounts during most of our marriage. While I worked part time, in order to be home as much as possible with the kids, he worked full time, about 5 minutes from home, 4 days a week, including nights, weekends, and holidays. There were times I felt like a single mom, because when our kids were babies, it was really tough getting 3 in diapers down for bed, keeping them entertained all day or night, etc., and paying bills on my part-time salary. It was tough. He would often disappear for hours to go on bike rides or walks or take naps on his days off, leaving me to take care of the kids, as well. He would not accompany us to the kids’ games, school events, etc. He didn’t want to go on vacations with us. His excuse was always that his back hurt. I was not allowed to touch “his” money. If I asked for help, he would punish me with guilt. If he did anything around the house I would praise him and feel guilty that he was working so hard.

We have the same degree and earning potential, which is really quite comfortable. While we saved for retirement, we did not save for our children’s college education. The plan was for me to return to work full time as soon as the youngest got into high school, at which point the first would go to college. And that is what I did. Luckily, I love my job. xH hated his job, though he was good at it and won “excellence” awards, etc. He was well liked at his work, but he resented his job. He resented when I would counsel the kids to honor their father for working so hard (allllllllll the “over-time” he was putting in, too!) when his back hurt! He resented the fact that I was happy at work.

xH listed as ONE reason for having an affair that I worked full time and he was lonely at home. But on the other hand, he howled at having to split our assets 50:50 in the divorce, “I WORKED FULL TIME AND YOU ONLY WORKED PART TIME!”

Yep. Sayonara. Sucks to suck, idiot.

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

That’s great. I went back to college (at 42), to get my degree, he pouted the whole time, refused to go to my graduation dinner ‘I’m tired, you go without me’. AND started his damn affair in my last semester when I had to pass the Nat’l x-ray boards. He was lonely, yep, that’s what he said too!

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  PattyToo

Patty, don’t you realise that your reason for living was to serve him and to make sure he didn’t get bored with himself? Because god forbid he support your dreams, put your needs ahead of his once in awhile or notice that your aspirations were as important as his. YOu nut! How dare you think that you were an equal person to him and had the right to focus on yourself as well as him and sometimes do things for yourself and that he, as an equal partner, would carry his part of the bargain!

We chumps are crazy in thinking that what we give will come back to us in a relationship.

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

I was a total servant. I’m embarassed now, that I used to be PROUD of that! What was I thinking? That he would return the favor? Nope, it only escalated until he needed to stop working so he could smoke and watch TV all day, and then she came across the street to join him!
At least I got the truth now, here, not stupid anymore! (Though he still tries, but I refuse to play!)

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  PattyToo

I realise now that I was quite the servant and yes, I was proud of being this person who could manage everything and keep everyone on track. All it did was give him the freedom to do what he wanted, which was bone other people. Now the kids pitch in and the house isn’t as clean and we eat more takeout but at the end of the day we’re happier and more in harmony than we ever were before.

movin_on
movin_on
10 years ago

Mine never got me anything – anything (not even a card) – for Mother’s Day. “You’re not *my* mother.” Funny, I felt like just that for 12 years. And every Father’s Day, I’d go all out and try to show him how it should be done…He never picked up on that.

He also met his work girlfriend at a football tailgate four days after we had a HUGE fight about an email I found from her – very flirtatious, despite the fact that he told me he had cut it off with her. She lives 2000 miles away and he swears he had No Idea she was coming. Partied with our friends and MY SON. (I couldn’t go to the game, as I was so devastated after DDay). I texted him like a crazy woman that day, because I just felt something was up…I was right. Vindicating, that…Oh, and those friends are not friends with him anymore.

donewit
donewit
10 years ago

My favorite to this day and it still riles me is when he’d come home from work with a $5k bike on the back of his truck, a a triathalon he was thinking of doing (never actually did and we had a total of about 5 or 6 bikes worth over $5k each + 2 mountain bikes worth over $4k each) or he’d come home with a new suit that he just ordered – min cost? $4k – Canali and Armani are expensive….when I’d bitch, I’d get told listen honey – one of us has a real job and the other doesn’t so shouldn’t say anything and besides, my money is for me and your money is our money….the kicker? I make more than him….arg, it still burns me how much he spent on shit he didn’t use or need.

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  donewit

Ha…mine came home once all red faced and sweaty. I asked what was up. He had gone out and bought a very, very expensive, top of the line racing bicycle. Two days after my computer blew up and he said he’d rather I waited to buy a new one until the next month. The best part? He also bought the most expensive bike helmet, bike bag and other bike accessories…and they all fell apart within a couple of months.

stephanie
stephanie
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

I would love to know the correlation between cheating and triathletes. My husband has been cheating with a fellow married tri-bitch for 6 years.

Baci
Baci
10 years ago
Reply to  stephanie

I was amazed when I discovered the affair and the AP wasn’t a runner or triathlete.
She now has a 13 year older fuckwit with a bad hip that hasn’t even been seen walking together let alone running. I thought the affair partner would have been a hunk. Must have been for the money and prestige.

donewit
donewit
10 years ago
Reply to  Baci

Yeah, mine went for his boss. I heard from my son that his boss has now bought him ATVs, motorbikes, dirt bikes, some water ski stuff and a snowmobile. Glad it’s her money now and not mine 🙂

God they are all the same person! Mine never got me anything for my BD, etc – it took me 20 yrs to get a wedding band that I wanted and then I kicked him out b/c he was ‘dating’ his boss and couldn’t figure out why I was mad. It was always about him and never about anyone else.

zyx321
zyx321
10 years ago

Mine will not win the prize, but they are my resentments:

1) I resent the lying:. While married ex H agreed with me and stood by me about punishment when the kids lied about something they did… Punishment was longer if they lied; lying is wrong…… But turns out he lied for 13 yrs about that first affair.
And now… ExH still insists the new wife was NOT an affair partner. He insists to daughter that I am lying. Instead I am the bad guy who was angry and bitter about my bipolar mother living in the house, so he retreated and became “numb.”

2) I resent that when I saw spouse retreating in the marriage (but he denied any problems when asked) I upped the attention, including PDA at work (!). I was uncomfortable giving kisses before walking into the classroom, but he wanted it, so I did it (we were college professors). He acknowledges that I did it. But in the end, it meant nothing because although I did that, I did not do __blah blah blah___. (fill in the blank).

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

A few months before dday one of the kids got caught in a massive lie. We sat that kid down and read the riot act, making said kid rectify the lie and much drama ensued. The whole point was that lying is bad and it’s even worse when it hurts another person directly.

Ex was, at that point, involved in several affairs, including the one with current OW-

zyx321
zyx321
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

Yup, they are all hypocrites.

Nord
Nord
10 years ago

Yuck…reading these reminds me of so many different things with Ex: he said he wasn’t getting enough attention during the first affair because I was working and had two small kids. The rest of them didn’t mean much but hey, he didn’t feel appreciated because he did so much for everyone. After I became a SAHM he apparently resented this (it was his idea so he could follow his career around the world) and one day a casual friend offered me a part time position in my field. This happened on dday. I remember meeting ex and some friends for drinks and told everyone about it. two hours later I discovered the current affair and you know what he said? I went behind his back to get a job and didn’t tell him. And it turned out she wasn’t the only affair and that he had been cheating for years.

Ah, fuck me. These people really suck.

movin_on
movin_on
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

YOU went behind HIS back to get a job while he was screwing around on you with the umpteenth AP?? That’s like blameshifting on crack.

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  movin_on

I didn’t even go behind his back. I told him two hours after I spoke with the guy.

AHA
AHA
10 years ago

Here goes – me pregnant with our first child, us married for a couple of months, he going on a beach vacation by himself because he didn’t go the previous year. Should have divorced him back then at that same moment.

Stephanie
Stephanie
10 years ago
Reply to  AHA

Hah, mine went to Hawaii by himself, you know, to Clear His Head, to Hike in Paradise (to fuck the OW). Everyone but me thought it was weird that I would let him go to Hawaii by himself, but I thought I was being a good wife, giving him space. He started organizing his time off for when the kids were in school…so…weird…well, not if you’re having an affair and getting ready to abandon your family, I suppose.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
10 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

My X’s destination of choice was Hedonism in Jamaica. And I was the chump who agreed he should go, because he had been unemployed for so long and needed the break from job hunting. Chumpy AND stupid.

skatergirl
skatergirl
10 years ago

…..mexico….alone (with the OW) for golfing and ‘quiet time’

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
10 years ago
Reply to  skatergirl

We own a travel agency. We can run it remotely, so that was the excuse for him going to Thailand 4 times/year by himself. Apparently, he liked the warm weather and the calm, peacefulness of it, and it made his back feel better… he always had a bad back, and I was evil because I didn’t give him massages all the time for it… and part of the cheating was related to the fact that I never did nice things for him like that.

Of course, I didn’t find out about the above behaviour in Thailand, until a year ago, when he started up an on-shore infidelity (and as I later learned, it wasn’t his first, he’s had many over the past 10 years). He had been leaving me in the office every Friday to workout with his “personal trainer”, who was actually some 19 year old party girl who had such low self-esteem from being raped at 14, that she was willing to screw a 52 year old for whatever he would buy her. So he’d go to the Sheraton every week to screw her.

When I found out, he was about to take her to Thailand… she wanted a labiaplasty… because you know, young girls’ bits need enhancing…. Oh, but that was just “payment” for her helping him “work out” all those months.

So, chump that I was, when he cancelled the trip to Thailand with her because he wanted to “work on the marriage” and “reconcile”, I let him do that. We started spending more time together, going on more holidays together, and he seemed sincere. But something was still “off”. But you know, unicorns.

Flash forward to this August. First vacations we took separately in a year. I went to the US to see my family. He dropped me off at the airport and proceeded to the Sheraton for some action. In his words, “But it wasn’t very much, only 2 or 3 times while you were gone.” Oh, and my personal favourite: “Well, you were so mean and sarcastic to me all year, it made me feel bad.” So his reaction was to go screw someone again while purportedly “reconciling”with me, because my sarcasm and mistrust made him “feel bad”? Riiiight.

When we were first married, 20 years ago, I went back to the states before our wedding, and I had a last fling with an ex. He found out a couple years later. I was a dumb, nervous 23 year old, moving to a new country (Australia) and it was a big mistake, but I purposely didn’t go to the US again, to stay away from that guy and prove it was over. I wanted to talk about the fling, because I think even then I was feeling discarded and rejected by him, since the world revolved around him… and that’s probably what made me do it… but he wouldn’t discuss it.

He blames his current-day infidelities on that. Apparently, he was SO hurt by my fling 20 years ago, that it was necessary to punish us both by spending the next 20 years screwing Thai hookers and young girls. I don’t buy it.

But I did. I let him use that guilt to justify behaviour that surely would have happened anyway, and let him keep justifying it. It’s amazing how they condition you.

I am a month from DDay. I am glad a friend referred me to this site. I am packing to move back to the US after 20 years here, and packing 20 years of stuff into 3 suitcases, most of my adult life!

But I know that distance and no contact will help, and being around my family and friends in the US.

soyouseeit2
soyouseeit2
10 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

if I were your brother or father it would be last time that fucker hiked on two legs the same shape if anyone treated my daughter like this…my sister and I found out about it…the asshole would have about 2 months of eating thru a straw to think about his next hiking trip

AHA
AHA
10 years ago

Here’s another one – his very best friend divorces his wife (a really nice, smart, devoted woman) and moves in with another woman, who at the time was on her 3rd marriage (and countless fuck buddies). A few years later husband sleeps with her. He forgets to turn off the location sharing on his “smart” phone, so the whole thing develops in front of my eyes. Stupid me decides to “save” the friend and tell none but my husband. Even more stupid me is “relieved” that the long distance (international borders) affair going on at the same time may not have been that important to husband anyway

Stephanie
Stephanie
10 years ago

I resent the fact that he was sleeping with both of us, with ZERO concern about getting her pregnant or giving me an STD. I resent having to go see my doc and tell him why I needed STD testing, then standing in line at the lab waiting for my turn to get my blood drawn and give urine samples.

I resent all the money we spent on attorneys, and, yet, I appreciate having a good attorney.

You know, most of my resentment has been turned around back on him. What used to feel like hurt and anger, I now see as a direct reflection on the sort of spineless coward that he is. Good riddance, ick!

AHA
AHA
10 years ago

I resent not having filed for divorce yet

Vivianne
Vivianne
10 years ago

Two things I do not want to forget (but someday hope to be meh about
Leaving me to do the bulk of planning and packing for a big family vacation abroad that we had been planning, saving for, and looking forward to for close to two years, and then cancelling with two days notice, and leaving me to handle all the cancelling, in a language I don’t speak. Then being angry that I was upset about it all. Then spending all his time “at work,” leaving me at home with a houseful of kids angry that their vacation had just been cancelled. Then deciding to dump me because I “got upset about the vacation being cancelled, and he had to cancel, because, work, you know.”

I also resent his disregard for our kids. “Well, every kid gets traumatized by something in their childhood, may as well be this.” His exact frickin’ words.

Stephanie
Stephanie
10 years ago
Reply to  Vivianne

Don’t you know?? CHILDREN ARE RESILIENT!

Raise your hand if you heard that one. Oh, I see–everyone heard that one.

Yeah, I resent that one the most.

Frankly I resent myself for picking a loser to be my children’s father.

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

I resent Ex telling me that OWs father cheated on her mother and she got over it within a year so our kids would be fine. Not. Even. Kidding.

Dutch-chump
Dutch-chump
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

Lowest quote on that subject, he wrote his AP: “they will resent us for a while, but will get over it” – so the worst thing that would happen to our (and her) kids would be still… about THEM!

I got to read that quote in a long letter full of drivel that our MC instructed him to write, to see the pros and cons of staying in our marriage or not. We were in false reconciliation then and this letter should have been a red flag if there was one… unfortunately it took me still more months of immense hurt to come to grip with all the lies and deceit.

Looking back at the letter, it is almost hilarious. Things like “I will have to buy you [AP] a car”, “we will have to try and be present at each others divorce proceedings”… the worst things of ending our marriage. Staying in it: he wasn’t sure I could change. I was controlling. (Hey, there I am!)

Tell me… why do I feel such freedom now? As if a weight has lifted of my shoulders. And not just mine. The children stated during the holidays that I just gave them choices, with dad its just only what he wants.

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  Dutch-chump

Well, now that one of the kids refuses to spend time with final OW she and ex have decided that this is because I’ve ‘brainwashed’ him. You know, because the kid couldn’t figure out for himself that this slag doesn’t really want anything to do with him, she just wants to make nice so that the ex will think she’s fabulous. My other one has figured it out–she tolerates him because it suits her purposes but she’s around less and less when he’s at his dad’s. It pretty much sucks.

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

Mine’s also convinced I’ve “brainwashed” the girls, talking smack about him. I didn’t have to. All my girls had to see was me, a crying, sobbing, mess, frequently ill – all because of him.

He filed for divorce without telling me. When I told the kids he filed, he got mad – I guess it was supposed to be a secret. “You’re making me out to be the bad guy!” he said.

Newsflash, idiot: you ARE the bad guy! Jeesh…

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  Red

Mine told me, shortly after dday, that I needed to keep quiet about all the other affairs as I had done enough damage with telling them about the final OW and he didn’t want the kids to think he was out screwing around all the time. Funny thing is, he WAS out screwing around all the time so why not just own up…or did he think it was WRONG???

Unicorn
Unicorn
10 years ago

My story is that when I bitched about all the text messages he sent her (more in 1 month to her than to me in our entire relationship) he said ” it’s not like we could date!” And when I bitched about no protection during sex he said ” she is clean.” I’m a nurse–trust me you cannot tell by looking!!! She’s clean but her husband would fuck anything that walked and she had sex with him but she’s clean???? Wtf ever. I could go on but these two galled me to no end.

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  Unicorn

Wow…just WOW!

bostonirisher
bostonirisher
10 years ago

My husband did the “SC Governor Mark Sanford” thing with a French woman we met on vacation. He “vacationed” twice with her in France last year, after me begging him not to go and trash our 30 year marriage. I do find it illuminating about his view of himself, but also resent his response, when I ask him what he is learning about himself from therapy. My favorite H response: He is learning that it is OK to put himself first. Needless to say, I was speechless. Yikes, you cannot make this stuff up.

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  bostonirisher

It’s okay to put HIMSELF first, but NOT okay for you to put YOURSELF first.

You’re right – you can’t make this up.

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  Red

Yeah, that’s the thing that I keep going back to. After dday he had a big old list of reasons for what had happened and it started to occur to me that everything he said was what HE wasn’t doing. It’s kind of impressive, the projection. And he still does it all the time. Sends me emails that are pure projection.

SummerGirl
SummerGirl
10 years ago

My mother became ill one day and was admitted to the hospital. She almost died. I asked my husband to pick me up from work, so we could go see her. He said he couldn’t go, because he had to go to a Very. Important. Work. Banquet.

So my college-aged daughter and I drove to the hospital ourselves, while he got all dressed up and went to his “work event.” I held my mom’s hand for three hours as all the doctors and nurses came and went, wondering if she’d last the night.

After leaving the hospital, exhausted – my daughter and I went to a local coffee shop downtown. I saw a familiar shirt walk by outside the front window.

It was my husband on a date with another woman, walking down the street. I went out and confronted him. He tried to lie. The woman, bless her heart, walked over, shook my hand and asked how I knew this man. As we stood there shoulder to shoulder, hands clasped, she explained he was actively involved on a dating site and had strongly pursued her for three months. It was their first date.

Of course, he had lied about everything to her. Said he was single, no kids – he even lied about his first name.

Totally f*g surreal just standing there shaking that woman’s hand as we stood side by side, staring at this unbelievable lying a*hole, while my mother was lying up in a hospital. We both left in opposite directions after that. He went chasing after her (big surprise.)

Oh, and to top it off: this all happened just a couple of days before Mother’s Day.

I started packing my stuff that night and moved out within a month. Sadly it is only one of many epic WTF moments in my life with that serial cheater.

So I guess this is one of my big resentments…one of my mom’s and my daughter’s too. Luckily my mom made a full recovery.

Oh, and what did he say when I confronted him at home that night? “I just wanted a normal relationship, for once…one that was real….”

Yeah. Turns out “normal and real” meant dating and screwing at least 12-18 other women over the course of 7 years (he always dated more than one at a time.) But that’s a story for another day.

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  SummerGirl

OMG, SummerGirl – I am SO sorry! I can’t even imagine.

This is why I’ve shied away from dating sites. Not only do most of the guys on there look like a rumpled mess, I often wonder how many are married.

Apparently, I now have trust issues…

Atticus
Atticus
10 years ago
Reply to  SummerGirl

I don’t know where I first heard this word, but **amazeballs** to this story, SummerGirl. Amazeballs. That is the only word in my head reading this exchange between you, the XH and the date. I’m guessing it was opposites day when he used the word “real”.

movin_on
movin_on
10 years ago
Reply to  SummerGirl

And I complained about not getting a gift for Mother’s Day…Good God.

Rally Squirrel
Rally Squirrel
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

He can’t even reveal his real first name to someone he says he wants a real relationship with. Bog. gle.

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago
Reply to  Rally Squirrel

these are the kind of dudes who say that they are looking for chemistry first and foremost on their dating profile. Translation:

I’m looking for a fuckbuddy and nothing else.

I actually despise that word.

in fact, when I hear it, I run in the opposite direction.

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago

I guess I’ve already posted a zillion times how he left his cyber sex open on MY laptop for me to read on July 5th, 2006. He was also discussing the size of my breasts to a woman.

Oh, could write a book on this topic, But, what hurt me the most was how he allowed his family to bully me.

We went on our honeymoon five months after our wedding to South Africa where his family lived. I had only spent a few days with his mother at the time of our wedding. (In true chump fashion, I paid for her ticket so that she could come.) His sister, husband and nephew, aged two, stayed in our apartment for a few days a few months before we got married. I liked his very much and we had some good talks. I had never met his father who couldn’t figure out how to come to his son’s wedding. We stayed in a lovely guest house on his sister’s property on a cliff overlooking the ocean in Cape Town. One evening, we were given a party in our honor. How lovely. The servants even ironed my linen jacket. It was never so unwrinkled! Earlier that day it was around 1:00 and all the servants and SIL were busy, busy, busy, making the chopped pickled herring and all of the other many, many delicacies being prepared in our honor. I didn’t want to disturb anyone, but I was totally famished and no one had made any mention of lunch, so I saw a large bag of potato chips and I opened it up and helped myself to a handful which I put on a plate and ate gingerly so as not to make any crumbs. After a minute or so, SIL sees this and shouts at me like the house is on fire.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? THOSE ARE FOR THE PARTY TONIGHT!!!

I was mortified. Husband appears and just stands there like a deer in the headlights. I looked at him and was horrified that he wasn’t going to say anything to her. I ran out of the house in tears and sat on the cliff for hours, just crying and crying… finally, husband shows up…

“come back Wawa. (his nickname for me) I want you to come back.”

me: aren’t you going to say something to her?

him: no, I don’t know what goes on between the two of you.

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

I meant to say that I liked his SISTER very much.

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

Ummm, did she forget you were the guest of honor? Note to self- always watch the family, before you get too involved!

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  PattyToo

Good advice. Ex’s family is highly dysfunctional. Anything that goes wrong in anyone’s life is always somebody else’s fault. Oh, and they freeze out people who don’t agree with them. Funnily enough, when I went NC on the lot of them because they were being such asses I was accused of freezing out anyone who doesn’t agree with me. The whole family is pure projection in their dealings with people. It’s pretty sick.

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

bingo.

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
10 years ago

No time for Project Resentment 😉

I have decided that I will soon engage in something more self-indulgent that I couldn’t ever get around to doing while married. I call it “Project Ultra-Geek” (PUG).

I’m gonna build an HTPC media center to go under my big TV in the rec room. I have splurged for the parts, and they should arrive in mere days, and then I expect a week or more of PMG to be the “Busy Obsessive Phase” (BOP) while I get the thing tweaked out, and then my hope is that on cold Winter evenings when I have nothing much else to do, I can move spend some time “Programming, Innovating and Gaming” (PIG).

That’s my plan: PUG, BOP, then PIG.

I’ll try to work in a social life if I have time between working and the PUGing, BOPping, and PIGging 😉

Going to build a mean Windows 8.x rig (to be upgraded to 8.1 in October):

1 xSILVERSTONE Black Aluminum / Steel Grandia Series SST-GD08B ATX Media Center / HTPC Case
1 xASRock Z87 Extreme6/ac LGA 1150 Intel Z87 HDMI SATA 6Gb/s USB 3.0 ATX Intel Motherboard
1 xIntel Core i7-4770 Haswell 3.4GHz LGA 1150 84W Quad-Core Desktop Processor Intel HD Graphics BX80646I74770
1 xKingston HyperX 16GB (2 x 8GB) 240-Pin DDR3 SDRAM DDR3 1600 (PC3 12800) Desktop Memory Model KHX16C9K2/16
1 xSilverStone Argon Series AR02 CPU Cooler with 92mm Fan for socket LGA775/1155/1156/1366/2011, AM2/AM3/FM1/FM2
1 xSeagate Barracuda STBD2000101 2TB 7200 RPM SATA 6.0Gb/s 3.5″ Internal Hard Drive -Retail kit
1 xKingston HyperX SATA III 120GB SSD
1 xEVGA SuperClocked 02G-P4-2771-KR GeForce GTX 770 2GB 256-bit GDDR5 PCI Express 3.0 x16 SLI Support Video Card
1 xLG Black 14X BD-R 2X BD-RE 16X DVD+R 5X DVD-RAM 12X BD-ROM 4MB Cache SATA BDXL Blu-ray Burner, Bare Drive, 3D Play
1 xMicrosoft Windows 8 Professional 64-bit (Full Version)
1 xNVIDIA GIFT Batman Arkham Origins
1 xKensington K72356US Black 3 Buttons 1 xWheel USB Wired Optical Mouse
1 xSILVERSTONE SST-ST75F-G Evolution 750W ATX 12V v2.3 / EPS 12V SLI Ready CrossFire Ready 80 PLUS GOLD Certified Modular Power Supply
1 xRosewill RK-700M Black USB Wired Multimedia Keyboard
1 xLogitech MK710 Black RF Wireless Ergonomic Desktop

exrepeatedmeme
exrepeatedmeme
10 years ago
Reply to  TimeHeals

Whhoooooowwww, new gear! Nice setup. I’m a geek from way back (punchcards, anyone?) and am still amazed that the default unit for memory is now a terrabyte. Amazed, yet somehow still appalled that we actually need that much.

I’m trying hard to “meh” the many, many insults I now see in hindsight, but just to keep this on topic – I think the thing I am saddest about is that whenever I tried to carve out some space for my life in this house STBX took it over. One year the kids persuaded him to buy me a new computer, all whistles and bells, and I got to write and game or all of three weeks in the spare room I set up as a study. Next thing I knew he decided to leave his laptop at work (a Ferrari laptop, I swear to goddess, Ferrari Red and made a racing car noise when you started it up…) because it was “too inconvenient” to haul the six blocks home in the new truck his company had leased for him. And then after dinner, when I finally had a chance to write, he would ensconce himself in front of “my” computer for “just a few minutes, to look a few things up”, and that was it for the night. I can only imagine now what he was really doing into the wee hours, but I don’t care anymore.

First thing I did when I kicked him out was get a netbook so I always have a computer handy. I also updated my desktop box with a new keyboard, hard drive, video card, monitor, and a spiffy new case with a blue neon light just because I could. Kinda the geek equivalent of a new bed and sheets, I guess! And now I write and correspond and cruise the net whenever I damn well want to. Yes!

New place after the divorce will have a kickass system including sound. I’m looking forward to that. I was always way better at the tech stuff than he was, I see now, and it’s so much fun working with it again, no comments, criticisms, or sabotage.

kb
kb
10 years ago
Reply to  TimeHeals

TimeHeals–Nice rig!

It occurs to me that divorce will mean upgrading on so many levels, but upgrading my gaming rig will also be on the list. I already bought the case. The CoolerMaster HAF 922 went on a very nice sale, so I bought it. I’d like to swing dual video cards, but will have to have a post-divorce place to live.

Your post was fun. 🙂

chumpattny
chumpattny
10 years ago
Reply to  kb

Ohhhhh, I am so envious of your plan and system. It will be an amazing rig, and I hope the project is as BOP as you hope it will be.

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
10 years ago
Reply to  kb

Heck, you could probably stuff water-cooling in that box.

I’m stuck with air cooling because I need something to fit on a shelf that’s 10 inches from the shelf above it, and the GD08 is about the same height as my Sony receiver, so I am stuck with an air cooler that must come in at less than 140mm, and the AR02 does that at 138mm (leaves me 8mm gap between cooler and the top of the enclosure).

So … no over-clocking except on the GPU, and that is stock over-clocked, and it’s a model of 770 that exhausts completely out the back of the case because I am air cooling.

So… some concessions were made, but nothing like I have made for years and years and years while married (haven’t had a rig that could play a decent game since before I got married, so… this is a big step up for me). Already working out how I can use my Kindle Fire as a remote for the thing when using it as a media/cloud server. Might add RAID drives later if I can do it without raising case temps.

My hope is that by next weekend I have Intel RapidStart, Win 8, Splashtop 2 set up, and a few games installed.

kb
kb
10 years ago
Reply to  TimeHeals

I’ll add that one of my big resentments is that while I did a lot of stuff that STBX really liked doing, he never made an effort to do anything of what I liked.

My family played board games back when we were kids. I love games. I love the social aspect. I play online since STBX won’t play board games, either. But I play games only outside of family time. STBX resents my time playing games. He thinks I should get up when he gets up, go to sleep when he goes to sleep, and basically hang around him unless he wants to do something that he wants to do.

Enjoy the new rig!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago
Reply to  kb

Very nice specs! You might check out CyberPower before you build it yourself, I’ve been using them to build my boxes for the last 6 years and found the cost only slightly higher. I am better with software than hardware so it’s worth a hundred bucks for me to have someone else build it and a single place for warranty issues. Right now I’m trying to spec out the new TV 🙂

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
10 years ago

Ex went to Las Vegas for a family reunion. I stayed home, because our son was young and we didn’t have enough money for us all to go anyway. Ex sent me a text that he had gone dancing. I pressed for more info; he had run into a friend of his in Vegas and they had gone to some bar and picked up a pair of strange women for dancing. I was mad and told ex how inappropriate that was. He got enraged, went off on me through texts telling me there was nothing wrong with what he had done, they were just dancing and maybe we should get divorced. That was the first time he had EVER said anything like that.

He then put up a lengthy facebook status asking: “If a married man dances with female coworkers at a work function, is there anything wrong with that?” I got even angrier, because of course, that was NOTHING like what he had actually done. He got all sorts of replies saying the scenario he described was fine. Ex then used that to show how I was totally unreasonable, and everyone else thought I was crazy. Total gaslighting.

He insisted his facebook post had NOTHING to do with the Vegas incident, he just “liked asking hypothetical questions” to read what people replied. Yeah, just a coincidence he posted that the day he came back from Vegas. And he had NEVER ONCE posted anything hypothetical prior to that.

Looking back now, I realize he had to have fucked the women in Vegas, his over-the-top reaction indicates something a lot more than just dancing with a strange woman in a bar. I think it’s quite reasonable to be upset your husband picked up strange women in a bar in Vegas for dancing, or anything else. But he twisted the entire situation to make me into the unreasonable, bitchy out-of-touch wife. He never apologized for that incident. No doubt in my mind now that a lot more than dancing went on there.

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

We’re on the East Coast. A few months before D-Day, XH flew to L.A. for a conference, then stopped in Denver for a day to see his mom. I thought that was nice…until he mentioned that after his mom went to bed @ midnight, he went and saw one of his female “friends” from high school, who was a nurse on the 11pm-7am shift. He told me he hung out at the nurses’ station with her until around 6 am, then went back to his mother’s because he had a 10 am flight.

R-i-g-h-t. When I demanded to know who this woman was and why he went to her work, he said they’d been exchanged emails for a while and he just wanted to catch up with her in person.

All this while he was also carrying on with OW. No wonder I never saw him that spring…

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Ex once, early in our relationship, disappeared when we were out with a bunch of people, including his sister. I finally found him when I went to the toilet. He was sitting with two young women chatting. I walked past, grabbed my stuff, hopped in a cab and went home. HIs reaction? ‘My sister thinks you’re being ridiculous’. As in ‘Can’t you see? Other people don’t think you’re being reasonable therefore you’re not being reasonable’. I told him to piss off and we nearly broke up over this. Looking back I know I should have broken up with him as it was early days and he felt perfeclty fine flirting with two strange women for more than hour, thinking there was nothing wrong with this. While out for the evening with me and friends.

Jade
Jade
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

I’m also thinking he could have found a legal brothel in Nevada about an hour away. My ex was big on trips to Vegas with friends. Once I asked to come along and he insisted I “wouldn’t be interested.”

movin_on
movin_on
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

I also found (as I’m sure many here have) that the over-the-top reaction was always indicative that there was way more going on. Not sure what that was about, but interesting…

Roxie
Roxie
10 years ago

So many of these stories resonate so much with me. Do all these cheaters read from the same playbook?
Gah!
I think for me what I resent the most is the years I wasted on him. When I think about the time spent paddling and getting nowhere because I was the only one with an oar in the water. He was content to just sit in the boat and let me do all the work.
15 years. Time I will never get back.

One particular asshole moment was when I was pregnant with our son. We were moving to a bigger place, because, new baby. So me 7 months pregnant and him being so concerned with my well being, decided that he and a friend would go to the new house and clean carpets so that I wouldn’t have to do all that hard work. This friend of course was an AP, who had the gall to be so happy for us and the new baby. Such a supportive chum to dive in and help us out, all the while they were fucking.
My exH was an asshole, don’t get me wrong, but what kind of fucked up woman knowingly goes after a married guy with a baby on the way??

Red
Red
10 years ago
Reply to  Roxie

XH’s OW pet sat while we were out of town, but the idiot shut the basement door so the cat couldn’t get to the litter box and the kitty peed on the floor. The house smelled horrible for days. I told XH I thought she was a moron and I wondered how she’d gotten into grad school.

I should have known something was up when he apologized profusely and cleaned up the mess HIMSELF instead of telling me to do it. I found out later that he bought OW lingerie as a “thank you” for pet sitting.

Roxie
Roxie
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Ya just can’t make this shit up!

M.
M.
10 years ago

After Dday 1, we were trying reconciliation. I was working out of town for a while so I asked him to visit. It was the first time I was actually asking him for something. The night before, he would not pick up the phone. He told me it was because OW who worked with him had messed up big time at her job that day. Great! They were lovers and now on top of it I have to endure my husband’s bad moods when she fucks up at her job. He could have at least picked one that is good at her job….

The next day, he arrives. He is still grumpy at first but he manages to shake it by midday. The afternoon and the evening are great. We talk a lot, go the a great restaurant, have fun for the first time since DDay. The next week I tell my therapist that I think we are going to make it. I’m encouraged by his visit.

Three months later, I went through his emails (something was just wrong) and found so many message sounding like: “OW, hang in there, I’m driving M. to the airport tomorrow afternoon. We can have diner tomorrow night”. The same day, he had sent me a love message about how happy he was that I would be home permanetly in a couple months, how he loves having me around him… I resent that he could’nt wait for me to be gone while I was truly suffering to be going away.

The worst email I found was the one he had sent that “great” night he had visited me: “M. is in the shower. I tried so hard not to email you, but our attraction is just too strong. I don’t know what I am doing here. I wish I had stayed with you to take care of you. I’ll be back tomorrow”…… many more things I cannot repeat.

I soooo resent those lies, the false hope and most of all, I resent the energy I spent fixing this when he was writting those things. I had spent so much energy on the fixing the marriage that when dday 2 hit me I had none left for myself. Took me three years to leave after that. What a mess. It’s unbelievable. In retrospect, I should perhaps resent myself for not leaving after dday 1, when I still had the energy. The reconciliation thing is so consumming in chump energy. I had none left to leave when I knew it was over.

Oh….and I incredibly resent both STD screanings I add to go through… When the doctor (who knows you) asks: have you had unprotected sex? And you have to answer while fixing the floor “not me, my husband”… It’s beyond humiliating.

Martha
Martha
10 years ago

When my doctor became concerned about symptoms he thought indicated cancer, he got me in to see a surgeon who put me on his schedule for a biopsy the very next day. Obviously something was seriously wrong. STBX took the day off & drove me to the hospital but we had to wait since I was last on the surgery schedule. Despite the fact that I was nervous, scared & in pain, STBX left me there after about 15 minutes & went home to watch a baseball game. He was not present when the surgeon told me the tunor was malignant.

You can imagine how helpful he was during months of chemo, radiation & the three weeks total I spent in the hospital. I came home to find a big basket of dirty towels in the guest room. Of course he never considered quitting smoking. After treatment & recovery I felt so glad to be alive that I never told him I resented his shitty behavior during that time. When it came up in one of our few counseling sessions, he accused me of “playing the cancer card!”

I still resent him leaving me in the waiting room that day. Who does that?

Also, when I asked him him if he’d ever met the mad cow who’d sent me a menacing message on Facebook (their online hanky panky was less than discrete), he said he might have met her once. Oh, he’d met her once. One weekend when I was away, she flew cross country to fuck my STBX who she’d previously only known on FB. She knew he was married. So was she. I later learned that the skank took a picture of their hotel room number & posted it as her FB cover photo along with details of their weekend fuckfest. I didn’t find out these details until a year later. He lied to me for a long time, had a secret phone, secret email accounts, etc. It’s going to take awhile to get to meh but this site & the people here are helping me more than anything else.

Chumpaholic
Chumpaholic
10 years ago
Reply to  Martha

WOW. Just WOW. Leaving you waiting for a cancer biopsy to watch baseball. I’d like to mail you a mug right this second.

Martha
Martha
10 years ago
Reply to  Chumpaholic

The STBX was useless when I was sick, but I see from today’s comments that callous disregard for the chump’s health is not unusual. They just can’t stand it when anyone else’s needs come first, for any reason. Even their own kids. How dare we get ill, or have babies, or aging parents? How dare we inconvenience them with serious life problems? How dare we ever ever ever put anyone’s needs before theirs?

Laurel, thanks for getting angry on my behalf (validation!) & for asking how I am. I have no evidence of cancer now & since DDay have been rowing, working out & taking krav maga – a self-defense class. STBX moved out just weeks after our house was ransacked & robbed. The window the robbers broke to gain entry hadn’t even been replaced. I felt pretty vulnerable on every level so took control of what I could. Five months later, I feel pretty badass & don’t look bad either. But if I ever need a second in a duel with this jerk, I’m calling on you, Laurel!

stephanie
stephanie
10 years ago
Reply to  Martha

my A- hole left me waiting outside on the street for him for 20 minutes after a very painful test. He “got caught up” at work. The following surgery left me with one ovary and fallopian tube, and when I awoke in recovery, my doctor said he couldn’t reach my husband. My mother came and waited with me till A- hole showed up, at which point the nurse wheeled me out to the curb. A hole rolled down his window, took his cell away from his ear, and said, ” are you coming”?!? Fast forward to the birth of my twins…. recently paralyzed with Bell’s Palsy and 6 days since an emergency C-section, we take a ride to Babies r us for some supplies. A-hole gets into the drivers seat and proceeds to make a phone call. I, being an even bigger A-hole lifted all of the boxes into the back of his truck. (he never helped with anything and always said I should do it all because he works so hard and earns a good living) When I sat down, my incision opened entirely and blood and fluids came pouring out of me. He ran away and got sick and called my mother to come help.

Goldie
Goldie
10 years ago
Reply to  stephanie

This left me speechless. What a monster.

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Oh Martha, how dare you get sick! tsk tsk… and then you have the gall to play the “cancer card” on top of it?????????

the word, “monster” comes to my mind.

seriously. if you hold him down, I gladly rip his fucking eyes out!

btw, I always say this, but there is no “might” and there is no “once” He’s a dog turd infested with crawling worms. (actually, that might be too good. I love dogs!)

big ((((((hugs)))))) honey and how are you doing now, health-wise?

Deborah
Deborah
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

Hi Martha,
I am so glad to hear that you have your bad ass in action now. He should be arrested for his cruelty, abuse and inhumanity and given shock treatment in an electric chair!!!

When you wrote “Who does that?” It brought back memories of my saying that in response to many things my a hole did as that is what I said to myself and to him many times. Then finally I realized only completely damaged a holes do that and I want to be as far away as possible so I left.

Clearly the answer is they do that all the time! These they’s are sickos who in my opinion can not change because their perception of the world is backwards and upside down, kind of like a camera obscura. They could never see things based in reality or where they feel any pain.

Wishing you nothing but good things now and going forward!!!

xoxoDeborah

namedforvera
namedforvera
10 years ago

Dear CL– Thanks for mentioning the Amadeus story. I must say though, it’s not my main resentment, just one among many….. the actress in question was his best friend’s wife. The friend he told all about his escapades. The same couple we had over for dinner, and whom I fed copious casseroles to (yes, even in New England we do that!) for health emergencies, while they knew my husband was a whore-fucking lying bastard and didn’t tell me…. but I don’t really blame her for the fact that my wasband had a hard on for her, I do not believe it was mutual.

I’m angrier at him for what he’s done post-Dday: the lying, the coverups, all that shit. Not even worth contending for a cup, it’s so plebeian. For example, the other day I decided to find out exactly what Adult Fuck Finder really looked like, so I created account. What did I find but his OLD account from when we were “married…and he says he’s married, and his tag line?:

“So a duck walks into a bar…not really sure why I started with that since I’m really crummy at telling jokes. Let’s try again. A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer….wait…was it a beer? Maybe it was something else. Was it even a duck?”

Ick.

And you should see the CraigsList ads. Those completely slay me. It’s beyond resentment, into the territory of scarred for life. Telling women he meets that they are the most beautiful, have incredible eyes, describing their outfits down to the smallest detail.

This from a man who never, and I mean never, could stir himself to give me a compliment or a kind word about my appearance (I’m not a monster! honest…) and who, after 25 years, still never knew what I wore, what I liked to eat, where I liked to go…Methinks I should have seen the writing on the wall a long time ago.

But, the costumes were beautiful!

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

yes, a limp dumbfuck duck who’s gotten himself mired in the muck.

good luck!

you suck!

Alice
Alice
10 years ago

One day my husband came home & announced he had been asked by a co-worker & friend of ours (or so I thought at the time) to make a cake for her mother’s 50th birthday. No surprise there as he fancies himself as a hot shot chef even though his job mainly involves pressing buttons on a microwave.
There is a craft & baking place near where I work so I chumpily trotted over there one lunchtime & purchased a cake stand, gold edible glitter & some beautiful cream coloured sugar craft roses to adorn his creation.
The day of the grand cake bake my husband decides to tackle this task drunk (he was drunk a lot of the time) late at night. The next morning I surveyed the cake carnage, removed the bottom of the cake tin which was still attached to the half iced cake, covered its imperfections with a fresh coat of chocolate ganache & carefully put it in a tin for transportation to the party
My husband returns from work with a new shirt & announces that he is off to the party (‘It’s not that you’re not invited, just didn’t think you’d want to go’) & skips off with his cake masterpiece not to be seen again until lunchtime the next day.
When challenged on the appropriateness of attending a female friend’s family party without his wife & getting so drunk he ‘slept on her sofa’ he accused me of making him feel ‘unwelcome’ in his own home. Well I suppose auditioning for your future in laws behind my back might have that effect.
Those sugar craft roses cost me £12.99. That still pisses me off. Apparently everyone enjoyed the cake though.

Roxie
Roxie
10 years ago
Reply to  Alice

Ha! The ultimate cake eater!

Nord
Nord
10 years ago

More resentment: He told the kids that final OW had nothing to do with the divorce, that it was the fault of both him and me and OW was innocent. Well, the way I see it is that he and OW are why we divorced and yes, she had quite a bit to do with it, as she was meeting him whenever she could, texting and emailing and FBing with him when he was at home with the family and was sending him pictures of her watoosi. Yes, I do believe that she had soemthing to do with it but since she was just one of quite a few I think really it’s all him.