Your Best Word Salad, Please

I created this site not just to offer an alternative to the Reconciliation Industrial Complex, but to lampoon the pomposity of cheaters. And there is nothing sillier, no deeper vein of humor, than someone trying to defend the indefensible.

That’s why bad actors have to torture their syntax, speak in high-falutin’ vagaries, smother their verbs, and otherwise mangle the English language.

Direct sentences would reveal actual intent. So bullshit artists resort to mindfuckery. You can’t understand it? I’m sorry, I think you lack sophistication.

Wednesday’s UBT was chock full of this sort of wackadoodle misdirection and faux erudition. Esther Perel has made an entire career of it. (“Quests for aliveness” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it as “paternity test your children.”)

So today’s Fun Friday Challenge is to share with CN the best word salad your cheater delivered. Extra points for run-on sentence fragments.

TGIF!

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Xmaschump
Xmaschump
3 years ago

“Cheating wasn’t the plan, but it showed me things”.

tisha
tisha
3 years ago
Reply to  Xmaschump

It must have felt good it only took 5 minutes.

So Not Your Schmoopie
So Not Your Schmoopie
3 years ago
Reply to  Xmaschump

Interesting question: do cheaters ever competently make long term plans? The one I met seems like a super impulsive no foresight or long term planning AT ALL kind of guy. I expect he’ll have to work til he drops to support his wife & 2 kids (& their grand kids), the daughter with his baby mama (his third child, she’s college-aged now, yikes) plus his faux single self. That all didn’t have to be if he had just worked stuff out rather than cheated.

Alice
Alice
3 years ago
Reply to  Xmaschump

Palm to face, ugh

I just read this:

‘When a man marries his mistress he creates an immediate job vacancy. ‘ The French approach is that mistress and wife are two separate roles which cannot be combined: a ‘wifetress’ doesn’t work. It’s like a sofa bed, a washer-dryer or a spork.

Mar
Mar
3 years ago
Reply to  Xmaschump

I invited her on dates, motorcycle rides but I was never actually going to meet her. I was just bored.

Newlady15
Newlady15
3 years ago

You go to that apartment, work on yourself. I’ll come to see you every day. Maybe we’ll reconcile in 6 months. Maybe we’ll get remarried”. This was before we were even physically separated. SMDH

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
3 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

This is actually what many CHUMPS should do. Argue for that full year of separation plus plenty of child support while CheaterX makes do in a studio apartment. That gives the chump a year to get out from under the mindfuckery that has probably been going on even longer than the cheating.

PandaforPresident
PandaforPresident
3 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

UGH. This sounds too familiar.

“I can go live in an apartment and come help clean the house and see the kids on the weekends. We can reassess our relationship after some time to see where we stand.”

MEANWHILE, I’ll just continue to date and fuck my co-worker during the week, who had met you and your kids, and knew I was married. Oh, and you can’t have access to my phone. Can’t have any evidence showing up.

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
3 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

” . . . work on youself.” What a pompus, patronizing ass.

Alice
Alice
3 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

OMG! My XH said we’d probably end up together. Why do they think we can separate, divorce, go on with life and somehow we’re still going to get back together?!?! NO!

David2016
David2016
3 years ago
Reply to  Alice

“We’ll probably end up together.” My XW’s exact words too as I sat there just gaping at her. For a little extra dressing on the word salad she added something like, “We need to travel different paths for awhile and I think we will eventually find our way back to each other.”

Translation: I’m not gonna stop having an affair.

I replied, “I gotta tell you, if you don’t stop, I will divorce you and I will go my own way.”

Angrily, she stood up and said, “Well, I’m gonna go my own way too then!” and stormed out. Huh? You can’t make this shit up.

Anyway, she didn’t stop, I divorced her, she’s still going her own way and we have not found our way back to each other.

Alice
Alice
3 years ago
Reply to  David2016

@David2016, our ex-spouses must be related lol

As I was moving out of our home, he said “people divorce all the time and end up back together, i think we just need this space and we will probably end up together” that’s how it went down in his mind, delusional haha

He also told me I was his best-friend the night before I fully left him and always pushed the narrative that we were each others future?!?!

I refuse to find my way back to him, maybe they will find their way to each other and make one miserable life together lol

So Not Your Schmoopie
So Not Your Schmoopie
3 years ago
Reply to  David2016

Seems to me the instant a spouse or committed partner has decided to start looking for schmoopies that they’ve unilaterally (& unfairly) made up their mind already.

Besides not getting cake buffets, perhaps cheaters are *really* upset when spouse/chumps, candidate schmoopies &/or actual affair partners see a cheater’s inferiority & dump them first. Of course very few cheaters can be honest with themselves first which is why karma usually makes the situations eventually turn ugly for them.

I have seen some stuff at the RIC sites where they explain the difference between female (cis hetero) married APs & single (cis hetero) schmoopies is that women cheat to get *emotional* needs met. Frankly it’s cheaper to do therapy & personal growth work for everyone (in terms of time, energy, money, chaos reduction etc) & the best way to do that is to carve out a way to do just that, not compartmentalize & cheat.

Leonidis
Leonidis
3 years ago

So interesting the EMOTINAL needs for cheating has come up. I have seen that in MANY articles and Inet searches. I also thought it was 90% BS.
My son, now almost 20, military, is dealing with the same issues I had with his mother.
The ME , ME, ME. He recently bought his 1st vehicle. Was adamant he wanted to do it on his own. So when it was all done he called both his parents and his GMA.
Mom was very hurt she was not called 1st. Refused to speak to him for 2 weeks. BLAH BLAH.
If it is not all about or all around her? She acts like a child.

Alice
Alice
3 years ago
Reply to  Leonidis

Exactly, it’s that Princess ME attitude always. How awful that instead of just being happy for your son you have to turn around and make it about you!? She sounds awful.

Alice
Alice
3 years ago

@SNYS, I have read that too, that women cheat for emotional needs majority of the time. Those emotional needs are usually connected with a “Me” attitude, like they should be treated as princesses 24/7 and worshiped. That’s unattractive to most men, sure at first it’s nice but long term it’s unattractive. Glad David2016 got out of there!

Poconochump
Poconochump
3 years ago
Reply to  David2016

Laughing out loud! Narc bitch! They are so re-narculust! Ha! Ha!

Lori Medlen
Lori Medlen
3 years ago
Reply to  Alice

Mine says that after we’re divorced, “Things will be better than ever. We can get remarried and you can have the wedding you wanted.” Suuuure we can!

SheSucksAsAHuman
SheSucksAsAHuman
3 years ago
Reply to  Lori Medlen

My ex said this too. Totally insane. Yes, lady, I’ll want to get back with you after years of cheating, pathological lying, being with your AP, taking my kids to meet him, using my money, blame shifting me, making me spend a lot of money trying to divorce you only to end up back with you.

Total delusion.

WiserChump
WiserChump
3 years ago
Reply to  Lori Medlen

Yeah – so he can say “I offered to get remarried”

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
3 years ago
Reply to  Lori Medlen

Because your cheater is SUCH a prize. Like you would want to be married to that again.

Phillygirl
Phillygirl
3 years ago
Reply to  Alice

It’s because they don’t intend the AP for a long time. They are the epitome of “here for a good time, not a long time.” Meanwhile the idiot APs actually stake their whole future on these flaky twits.

KarenE
KarenE
3 years ago
Reply to  Phillygirl

Cheater Narc had his second affair, I kicked him out, he seemed blissfully happy to be w/Shmoops, they were IN LOVVE. A few months later he was back, suggesting we ‘try again’. I turned him down (the first of many times). Then he actually SAID to me ‘that (rel with Shmoops) wasn’t supposed to be a long term relationship’, and ‘now I have to go to Shmoopiville just to get some sex’.

Ah, twu lurv! Ain’t it grand?

So Not Your Schmoopie
So Not Your Schmoopie
3 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

I expect the cheater got dumped by the AP. Cheater may never say that, but it’s a pretty safe assumption that happened

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

OMFG you can’t make some of this shit up!

marissachump
marissachump
3 years ago
Reply to  Phillygirl

Plus they also consider the chumps to be their stable homemakers that they can use to the ends of the earth while assuming the chump will stay and do their bidding forever regardless of the abuse. We are merely cheaters’ safety blankets and housework machines. So they’ll keep us around. But their affair partners are shiny new genitals so those need to be swapped out for new ones every few months or so.

Alice
Alice
3 years ago
Reply to  marissachump

You’re 100% right.

So glad I finally left him after the 3rd affair. It really shouldn’t have taken me 3yrs, ugh.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Alice

Don’t beat up on former Alice too much. She is mighty and a survivor!

Alice
Alice
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Awe thank you Spinach, you’re so sweet xo!

Alice
Alice
3 years ago
Reply to  Phillygirl

I never thought of that Phillygirl but you are so right. It was obvious too and I’m so blind I didn’t realize it. XH had no intention of staying with the women he cheated on me with, I don’t even think he’s with the last one. They just use people.

I don’t feel sorry for the OW though that get used. They shouldn’t be messing w/ married men. All the “but the OW was lied too” bullsh*t I don’t buy. If you’re dating someone and you’re not allowed at their place, don’t know their friends, can’t be friends on social media, have to have secret calls, etc then you know he’s married!

Battle Tempered Lionheart
Battle Tempered Lionheart
3 years ago
Reply to  Alice

Alice,
I hope you will buy my story: I met a guy on the internet, we chatted for the good part of a year before meeting. We always got together at my place or in my town. I said “It’s weird I haven’t been to your house. Are you married or something?”
He said no. He didn’t mind the hour drive. I did not like driving, so I was happy he offered to come my way.
He never had to hide his phone calls. I am not active on social media. I googled his name and phone number and nothing unusual came up.
There was no reason for suspicion. After a year and a half he confesses out of the blue that he’s married.
I was having an affair but I did not know it. That is not BS. Nor is it my fault.
Looking back I realize I may have spackled a little. But definitely DID NOT see it coming. It hurt like a bitch and still does, whether you think it is BS or not.

Persephone
Persephone
3 years ago
Reply to  Alice

You know, Alice, it goes both ways. How come that the spouses don’t know their partner is cheating/ a cheater when it’s blatantly obvious to others? How many times one has to be cheated on before one realises what’s going on? You yourself said that you left after third discovered affair. I understand first discovery but why wasn’t it clear to you after the second one that you’re married to a cheater? Why didn’t you leave then, rather than wait for yet another affair? Probably because he spun all kind of stories and gas lighted you. And you knew the guy for years, lived with him in the same house and he still tricked you. But other people are supposed to be cleverer.

Mt remark is a bit irrelevant because most OW and OM do know their partner is married.

Alice
Alice
3 years ago
Reply to  Persephone

@Persephone,

None of your assumptions about my x-husbands affairs are correct. You can’t assume each affair is similar or the circumstances in life are the same when each affair occurs. I don’t want to go into specifics because I don’t feel I need to justify my reasons for staying, leaving, not knowing what was going on, if they were emotional or psychical affairs, one-night stands, etc.

I will say this though, don’t make conclusions or assumptions as to what went on in other people’s marriages during infidelity.

Yes, I do believe people should do their vetting when dating. You can google someone’s cellphone number and see where they live, who they live with and all kinds of information. That’s fact, no need to even be clever when the information is at your fingertips through the web.

Also your remark is a bit hostile considering the assumptions you are making about my reasons for my decisions and what his actions towards me were when I found out about the 2nd affair. Again, all your assumptions are flat wrong. I think asking questions is healthy but making assumptions about other peoples experiences comes off as hostile.

Alice
Alice
3 years ago
Reply to  Alice

One last thing, it’s not about OW or OM being clever when dating someone knew. If someone is hiding you from their world, that’s an obvious red flag but even if it’s still new and you’re still in the getting to know each other phase you only need to google a phone number to get information on them. It’s that easy these days. No cleverness required haha

JannaG
JannaG
3 years ago
Reply to  Alice

The only way I could see it is if he was separated. Then, the lies might be more believable.

I_survived
I_survived
3 years ago
Reply to  Alice

“If you’re dating someone and you’re not allowed at their place, don’t know their friends, can’t be friends on social media, have to have secret calls, etc then you know he’s married!”

When you’re first dating someone these restrictions may not be apparent.

I kept trying to invite a bachelor coworker to come over for dinner, parties, etc. We would sometimes have great long phone calls and he had lots of time for me when we were out of town. Finally I realized he was in a very secret affair with his married subordinate. SMH.

Alice
Alice
3 years ago
Reply to  I_survived

I_survived, yes that’s true in a newly dating relationship. However, if you know the guys or girls first & last name, plus phone number, a simple google search is all it takes. Literally, you can find where they live and who they are married too, etc. A lot of women don’t want to know the truth so they don’t do these things.

So Not Your Schmoopie
So Not Your Schmoopie
3 years ago
Reply to  Alice

There’s a woman who runs a site called aste.io (I think, not sure about exactly what goes behind the dot) whose services there cost a bit more than the $10 for the data scraping services (they often have old wrong/out-dated data) you find first with Google.

A big problem with family courts is it’s hard to confirm someone went all the way through the legal process to get the divorce decree finalized if married or even see what the terms of a separation agreement are for someone claiming ‘separated’ status on a dating profile, on the phone, in emails/texts & then in person.

And even if separated & living in separate residences, some spouses work that RIC path (differing levels of effort there, the serial cheater is going to coast if possible while the chump does all heavy lifting, sigh), keep having sex/intimacy & persist in trying to do family as if D-Day (or heaven forbid multiple D-Days) didn’t really happen.

Or divorced spouses can & sometimes do remarry & that also might not make it into the records soon enough for people a cheater wants to hoodwink to find this vital bit of information out fast enough to not emotionally bond with a cheater.

Throw on top of all that how every state & jurisdiction handles the legal issues around divorce, asset splitting & custody differently & it’s a real mess to really know who is being truthful & who isn’t. Which is why good divorce & family attorneys are true treasures.

Still the woman who runs aste.io says conservative statistics are 1 out of 8 spouses are cheating.

That sounds bad, but I expect that number may be far too low because if like me you think emotional involvement should be monogamous too, then of course the cheating numbers are going to be higher. We live in a world where if a cheater doesn’t like what their partner is doing to them emotionally or psychologically, they get on their smart phones or tablets or computers, go play on porn sites, dating / affair sites, social media, & cause more chaos, they’re always seconds away from taking what should stay between spouses or committed partners & getting others who should not be allowed into that innermost circle of intimacy between 2 people all up in everyone’s business.

Let me get back on topic though.

The stuff I got told by Broken Toy after I found out he was & is a compulsive cheater is a whole lot of incredibly stupid & pain-causing shit I’m not going to post here because it could trigger spouses/chumps here who are still reeling about their D-Day(s) so I’m drawing a firm protective boundary right there.

I’m still not sure why Broken Toy let loose with a lot of his garbage thinking & contempt but I guess he figured I was ‘safe’ to complain to (& wow does he lack respect for women in general & children, not to mention impulse control!).

It was a matter of time before whatever was happening between myself & Broken Toy would have all imploded on me, so instead, I got really mad (Broken Toy was an excellent role model for raging) & let him have it all in one very volatile phone conversation which ended the relationship, destroyed any happy illusions (I find he was way more infatuated with me than I was with him because he is a broken toy, he doesn’t have any sense of self so he tries to steal that from others). Frankly detonating my anger at Broken Toy made it easier for me to laugh at him, the whole situation & myself & not just do No Contact or get stuck in ruminating on it for very long (this was all thankfully long distance).

Cheaters seem to believe in ‘never say never’ (as long as you accommodate them, they’ll keep coming around for more catering) while I (& others like me) believe in ‘enough is enough already’.

Personally I’ve got better things to do with my life than be a corespondent or a witness in a divorce case, but if the Missus wanted me to give evidence against Broken Toy I would be perfectly fine with doing that. It’s his turn to pay her for his repeated betrayals of her (so much in the way of fees, penalties & interest has built up, I would be declaring the marriage bankrupt & divorce him for good, but as I am not her, I could not say why she’s still keeping a marital tie to Broken Toy intact), some ‘other’ women can have the other spouse’s/partner’s backs by saying ‘goodbye & good riddance ASAP).

Also getting deeper in this situation is not necessary to me feeling better. There are other people better qualified out there who can do individual therapy & work with me plus there are also new awesome self-help books & courses etc coming out all the time. And who knew the cognitive therapy & grief therapy work as my own parents got sick & died would give me a head start on coming out of this to not just meh (achieved that pretty fast) but whoo-hoo!

Got my Tuesday already, working towards that happy weekend (when you all get there, I’ll buy y’all dessert!)

This woman at aste.io does a lot of detective work (for I think around $25 or so per person to be looked into) either I wouldn’t think to do online or I might go to the wrong site to get the info, plus she looks into things I might not think to look into right up front but can cause issues in a budding cheater-free relationship later on (like patterns in their social media posts that reveal stuff besides spouses & kids). She’s sort of an intermediate filter & step in between a quickie free (or super cheap) online search & a $100+/hour private investigator.

But right now it’s still me time, I have been doing a lot of stuff for me I wanted to do (as well as stuff I needed to do but didn’t know about until Broken Toy crossed my path). Dating etc can come much later (plus does anyone really want to start dating in a pandemic?) while I get to know me better.

I think my big take home is I need to be able to be really clear on where my limits are first and more importantly what qualities in someone else I must have so that no more Broken Toys show up uninvited again.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Alice

Alice–

I confess I’m sort of addicted to
Quora and Reddit threads where APs who post questions (“When will/why won’t my married twu wuv leave his/her spouse?” etc.) get the crap kicked out of them up by regular people. Very rarely do the whining APs get sympathy and even then it’s along the lines of “You’re dumb and destructive. Seek therapy for your disastrously low self esteem.”

It seems very un-meh to enjoy this kind of thing but my ultra meh therapist (and fancy Euro educated head of state U dept who’s also a classical musician) still watches Cheaters for laughs so I don’t feel so bad. She also thinks Esther Perel is a quack.

Chump75
Chump75
3 years ago

Gotta confess Get a kick out of stepparents at reddit. Many days you see people posting things like”Finally giving up”, “my SO has no consideration for me and uses me as a nanny for his kids with BM”. The stories are all the same. Cheater meets Twu Wuv, leaves family for her, Twu Wuv feels special and a winner, reality sinks in, cheater goes looking for greener pastures and sabotage relationship with Twu Wuv, Twu Wuv quits, the end.

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago
Reply to  Chump75

Not always the same, Chump75. My cheating, FW XW and her POS AP are both cheaters. They both cheated on long standing spouses & marriages, and continue to stay together, despite the POS AP getting some serious karma by losing his big job recently, as reported by our local NPR station. So, we’ll see what happens. The two of them seem to be weathering everything for now.

The kids don’t fully realize yet how their “Mom” and the asshole blew apart two families to satisfy their own selfishness. If they’d divorced us first, and then started together, they could have avoided a lot of the shit they created. But instead they felt entitled to anything they wanted to do in the name of “Twu Wuv,” and decided to completely disrespect their long-time partners in the process.

To answer this post’s question, though, a good word salad from the FW XW on D-day was, “I had to know if I could make the leap.” Really? It took me awhile during my long recovery from the majority of the shock (about two years or so) to find my answer to this: No. Most people realize it’s the easiest thing in the world to take the leap. The hard part is not taking the leap. What the fuck is wrong w/you that you don’t get that?!

Peace, everybody.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Chump75

I’m definitely going to look for the “AP sick of being used as nanny” subreddits. Sounds like a gas.

WrecktheRIC
WrecktheRIC
3 years ago
Reply to  Chump75

I always imagine these are AP couples but not a lot of them will say so. I think it just highlights how difficult the blended family thing is no matter what, never mind the whole thing being predicated on a lie and with a selfish fuckwit.

To think, these AP blended families fantasize about how easy it will be now that they are with their one true love. No obstacles now that they found the right person to share life with finally! Original spouse and co-parent sucked and was always in the way.

Alice
Alice
3 years ago
Reply to  Chump75

I HAVE to read these with a glass of delicious red wine tonight haha

MF
MF
3 years ago

What’s the subreddit?

Alice
Alice
3 years ago

oh my lol I think I’d enjoy reading that as well. Even when I do reach meh and it no longer hurts or makes me angry, I’ll still always enjoy hearing when cheaters & AP’s get their karma. I don’t think that has anything to do with meh.

UXworld
UXworld
3 years ago

You’ve got a good therapist.

NenaB
NenaB
3 years ago

I sill have the text after he realised my pay was going to a seperate account. That, and the recorded argument that went for 45 minutes were my trauma bond repellent. Any time I missed him, I’d play that argument or read that text. It really worked!

Discarded Wife
Discarded Wife
3 years ago
Reply to  NenaB

I have a weekend’s worth of recorded phone calls between my cheater ex and his sleazy, married-to-a-dying-man whore. My friends could not understand why I chose to keep the recordings. They worked perfectly as trauma bond repellant. They also explain why my ex never accomplished anything. He spent hours on the phone with her.

Meg
Meg
3 years ago
Reply to  Discarded Wife

“They also explain why my ex never accomplished anything. He spent hours on the phone with her.”

This! At one point, after D-day #4 or more, and he’d moved in with the AP, the cell phones were in my name for a year or two until the divorce because I got a better discount. I enjoyed looking at the monthly summaries and it explained why he kept losing jobs during the entire affair, even when he was with her. He talked to her 1-2 hours a day, as he traveled for work. At one point she lost her job as a teacher because she was on the phone with him all the time. And of course, when I looked at the call logs, he always called her. She never initiated calls to him unless she was responding to his voicemail. Blah-blah-blah, me-me-me. So glad it’s over!

Doingme
Doingme
3 years ago

How big of him NewLady. I was told he was downsizing to a studio and I could sleep there. Just out of the blue.

susan devlin
susan devlin
3 years ago

She was fun – left her kids for you, drug addict and alcoholic.
I wasn’t going to leave you – am I supposed to be grateful.
She’s a slag – why are you hanging around her them.
we have problems – you just realised.
I don’t have to answer to you, now conscience is creeping in, after 7 years split up.
All men cheat – I don’t think so.
She said I was good at sex, she tells you what you want to hear.
Shame about sti(s), the pregnancy I don’t know what happened there. She was drinking, drugs, stis, smoking, but didn’t want the rest of her kids.
My ex has rosary beads, in his drawer, who is he kidding, God probably has to forgive him, I have to be civil but I don’t have to forget.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  susan devlin

Susan:

“I wasn’t going to leave you – am I supposed to be grateful.”

Omg. I got this exact same comment, and it left me speechless. Because I couldn’t find the words, I couldn’t really process it.

Thanks for supplying me with the perfect rejoinder, even if I never share it with him. (And I won’t.)

KarenE
KarenE
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Oh yeah, my Ex said this one too! During his first affair (I stupidly stuck around until Affair #2) his mother told him he had to stop, he had a wife and kids. He told her ‘don’t worry ma, I’m not planning on leaving KarenE’. His own mother was the one who told him that if he didn’t end the affair, I would be the one leaving. Seems that possibility had never occurred to him!

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  susan devlin

I think God requires repentance and remorse, before He forgives. It’s also a requirement to not do it again.

Jesus cheaters are entirely delusional. ????????????

Zip
Zip
3 years ago

He didn’t tell me OW’s name because she didn’t even know she was involved (he left me for her).
Talked about goodwill ???? between us while making our agreement.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
3 years ago
Reply to  Zip

What is it about not wanting to tell the OW’s name.
Mine was 100 years ago, and I still have no idea what her flipping name was.
Maybe she didn’t have a name!
You can’t make this shit up!

Miss Guided
Miss Guided
3 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

I know my husband’s ho-ho’s name and the name is ruined forever. A friend’s daughter has the same name and it’s even difficult to say that.

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago
Reply to  Miss Guided

Miss Guided – I understand that. It can actually be very therapeutic to work that out. I have a client who’s husband cheated on her with a woman with my name. It is been good to work that out with her. I am doing the same with a very kind neighbor who has the name of the AP. We will forget about them soon enough. Who? What was her name? Oh, to be in a place where I just don’t remember, then I will know I truly don’t care anymore!

Anita
Anita
3 years ago
Reply to  Peregrine

My ex didn’t want me to know the hag’s name to make it easier to continue cheating with her while still married to me. Also, he was afraid I would ruin her reputation (lol). It’s also easier to give them better qualities than they actually have if you know who they are.

Anita
Anita
3 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Oops, harder to give better qualities if you know who they are.

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

You might be better off not knowing. I wish I didn’t know her name, or her husband’s name, or her address. I wish I never saw her shitty art, or the naked pictures of her. No, wait.. Those pictures provedto me she it NOT more beautiful than i am – especially on the inside.

Zip
Zip
3 years ago
Reply to  Peregrine

Regardless of what she looks like, she’s a CRAPPY person. You are better.

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago
Reply to  Zip

thanks, Zip – oh, I know I am. She is a complete and total hag – the snooping just gave me more evidence of what a liar he is. (You don’t understand. She is BEAUTIFUL. I am sorry, but you are just not beautiful like that.) Damn right I am not like that. I don’t need his validation – he never gave me any after the love bombing anyway.
I was just going through my photos to delete him because, you know, google photos loves to show you painful memories. I realize now, all his focus on external looks – he is not handsome – and now I know just how truly ugly he is- physically and spiritually. They are perfect for each other. I have a life to live.

Zip
Zip
3 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

He said he wouldn’t tell me her name because he was afraid of what I might do to her !!!! That really hurt – when they are protecting the H poacher. I mean really, I’m a mom who wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Now I’m glad I don’t know her name and I never want to know it. I have my own names for the married coworker with kids who likes to F married men with families.

Badmovie19
Badmovie19
3 years ago
Reply to  Zip

Yep, after he had our kids for a weekend which was about 30 days post DDay, my 6 yo told me how daddy’s friend -the Married howorker and mom to 3 kids stayed the night. I reached out to her on LinkedIn with the short message of figured I’d introduce myself since you’ve already met my husband and my children. She quickly told my then H and he scolded me that “I could stop bothering her.” Yep her getting drunk and sleeping over when my lil kids were with their dad and her fucking my husband for a year was so comparable to a generic message.

Doingme
Doingme
3 years ago
Reply to  Zip

Some see multiple women at the same time. I had access to all phone records and while he found a winner (Nancy) there were others he was texting.

So Not Your Schmoopie
So Not Your Schmoopie
3 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

This, what Doingme just posted!

Most healthy cis hetero men are non monogamous unless & until they decide they want to be ‘exclusive’ & or married (cis hetero women tend to date in a stricter ‘one at a time’ narrow focused way which these days is very perilous given how soon people are having sex with people they barely know).

There are a lot of verbal gymnastics coming from actually single guys around this & wait until you see the ‘dating coaches’ online who coach cis hetero women into ‘exclusivity’ in relationships while at the exact same time coach healthy decent men in ‘pick-up artist’ style techniques (more stupid dishonest shit to say) so they the guys can have as much emotionally detached sex as possible with anyone & everyone ‘guilt-free’ while single. Be sure if you’re going to hire someone to help you get back into dating etc that you don’t pay or support one of these double-dipping ‘pros’, pick people who will genuinely be on your team & loyal to you & your goals for your life & your relationships.

That said, whoever ends up as the ‘winner’ around a cheater ends up as the warden or matron of the relationship, there’s not a lot of fun or joy in being the responsible ‘enforcer’.

So the winner is actually a loser who does not yet realize how much she (or he) is going to lose for as long as they tolerate or encourage the cheater.

Cheaters are booby prizes.

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago

Damn. I guess I’ve been doing it wrong for a long time, it seems. I’m out of touch. I thought you became friends first, then got romantic, all while being committed to each other until you either made your commitment more formal, or acted as adults after deciding you don’t work well (or well enough) together, and separated w/out cheating.

I’ll have to find some coaches to train me in being a player. Yeah, right.

Persephone
Persephone
3 years ago

You aren’t a healty, decent man if you hire somebody to teach you how to pick up women and have emotionless sex with them.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Persephone

Exactly.

Chumperella
Chumperella
3 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

I got the same crap, no name or any context as to how he knew her. I found her name within 12 hours – he was so careless with social media it was not that hard – He left his email open on our home computer so I changed his Facebook password and signed in and figured out who she was – very easy because they were communicating with the Facebook messenger feature. The ridiculous part was that he insisted that I hacked his accounts – he refused to let that go throughout the entire divorce process, he even threatened to turn me into the Facebook police as if that would frighten me. I wish I actually had the skill set to hack – it would have been much easier to find proof of all that he was doing with our finances lol.

WiserChump
WiserChump
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumperella

???? “Facebook Police”. Thats how my STBX communicated with his fuckbuddy thru messanger. I saw all of her stupid cartoons of herself blowing kisses. What is she, 13?

Ugh.. social media makes it so easy to be a cheater.

Yas
Yas
3 years ago
Reply to  WiserChump

What is it with the kissing emojis and stickers? AP and STBXH who are ‘just friends’ kept sending these. He’s 39 and she’s 32. They die for these messages everyday. Kibbles for kids.

Zip
Zip
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumperella

Facebook police ????‍♀️ ????
Yes, mine changed all passwords in a heartbeat once I was catching on and said it was because he felt uncomfortable with me going through his stuff. (1 time only for 10 min as I was shaking so much couldn’t keep searching)
Imagine the nerve of us!

weddingbelle
weddingbelle
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumperella

You should have let him think you WERE that skilled! I have accidentally fixed problems not knowing how I did it and certainly couldn’t repeat it and he’s been baffled, but thought I knew what I was doing. Truth-I was baffled, too, but didn’t let him know that! ????

Beans
Beans
3 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

He’s afraid you’ll get to her and either show and tell her a few (truthful) things about him, or you’ll beat her ass. Either one would be immensely satisfying IMO.

But mostly it’s because he’s spun his narcissistic web over her as well and gassed her up to how evil you are and great he is. She can’t be dispelled of that illusion while he runs his game.

UXworld
UXworld
3 years ago

So, so much to choose from — even 3+ years post divorce (as my ‘forgo my apathy toward you’ contribution to Wednesday’s UBT illustrates)

But I keep coming back to her persistent, superpower-like use of the word “compartmentalize” that she used throughout “The Troubles”:

– “I can compartmentalize things in a way you can’t…”
– “I compartmentalize my feelings toward you from my feelings towards others…”
– “If you can’t learn to compartmentalize, I suggest you get some help…”

As if she’d succeeded where so many others — Ponce de Leon, King Arthur and his Knights of Camelot (“Ni!”) — could not ever hope to.

Kimberley
Kimberley
3 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Ni !! That made me fucking laugh. Shrubbery!

So Not Your Schmoopie
So Not Your Schmoopie
3 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Funny I’m reading a book called ‘Whole Again’ that’s pretty helpful & a good goal to have.

Why I refer to the jerk I met as Broken Toy is because he himself is defective, there’s no empathy in him, heck if I’m right & he’s mostly borderline (& to a lesser degree narcissistic & sociopathic). The deepest darkest fear that drives Broken Toy into bizarre behaviors & leaves everyone else confused & frustrated is that he doesn’t have any kind of self-concept or idea of who he is. He’d love to just steal someone else’s identity, but that’s not how being a human works.

Broken Toy’s ironically an actor by profession but he spends way more time ‘performing life’ than doing what better actors I know do which is get their own emotional & psychological problems worked out so that they don’t have to devote a lot of time, energy, money, etc into not getting found out the way a cheater does, all that dysfunctional compartmentalizing if you keep doing it makes you emotionally & psychologically sick & eventually healthy people will shun you & you’ll be all alone when the feelings & the dark stuff catch up to you.

A person can play a part on a screen or a stage so much more convincingly if he or she actually lets themself feel their emotions in a healthy way plus that person is less likely to intentionally or negligently injury other people. This is Broken Toy’s life lesson to learn & he’ll be 70 in September & as far as I know (I’m 100% no contact with Broken Toy, have been so for many months, it might be a year already, the fact that I don’t know the timeline precisely shows you how much meh I live in already, which is excellent), he may die before he ‘gets it’. That’s an avoidable tragedy, but it’s up to Broken Toy to not keep going that way. I had one parent die when she was 64, the other was dead at 75, but being healthy & mature adults we got to a place of a clean slate with one another so they had better endings & I had less grief when it was their time to go (I also did grief therapy for each death & one of the two major illnesses). I’d love for Broken Toy’s kids (some of them already have grandkids), his wife, his brother, his sister-in-law, and yes even his baby mama to have the best possible ending, but again it’s not my problem to solve (that’s my personal lesson to take away from this experience with Broken Toy). If Broken Toy hasn’t lied about having colon cancer & he dies sooner than latter, there is a whole bunch of new pain for a lot of people Broken Toy will be leaving behind that maybe he didn’t have to leave as part of his legacy.

Totally up to him though.

I hope Broken Toy’s family get their healing, but I’m not holding my breath about it.

And anyone bragging about ‘compartmentalizing’ is someone I will immediately kick out of my life until they get help to stop doing that sick behavior. That’s my other big lesson from my ‘schmoopie audition’, have no contact with emotionally or psychologically sick people I don’t know. My life is too precious to me to live that way, thanks.

Hope Springs
Hope Springs
3 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

You’re just so unstable(not), and she’s so superior for not giving a shit about destroying her family.????

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
3 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

(I’m pretty sure extreme compartmentalizing is actual diagnosable pathology, not a thing to brag about. ????)

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

yeah, it’s really not something to brag about. But, hey – they love to make whatever they are doing into something better than it actually is.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Yes, it’s called sociopathy/psychopathy. ????????

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
3 years ago

“She showed me what was missing in my life.”

(a brain, a heart, courage)

She also showed me what was missing in MY life.

(a husband with emotional maturity, integrity, kindness, a working moral compass…..)

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago

I love this!

Maria
Maria
3 years ago

You enable me by doing things for me, like helping in the kitchen.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Maria

Wow! How dare you help in the kitchen!!!

chumpnomore
chumpnomore
3 years ago

He said “Why should you make double what I do.”
I brought up the fact that I graduated from college
his response.
“What a waste of time and money because now you have to pay me. ”

This is when he thought he was going to be getting spousal support. Luckily he does not!

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore

@ChumpNoMore – yeah – HE was the waste of time and money (and space and air). My XSO was so jealous of my master’s degree and my ability to get work quickly. Never mind that I work my fucking ass off, I’m sure he thought it was “easy” for me. During the last six months he would complain (constantly about everything, I might add.) a lot about “I should have stayed in school!” At the very end after D day, I was in his house for 3 months as I looked for an apartment (never told him a thing. This site made me very aware that he is an abuser and you don’t tell abusers your plan to leave) It really came out how much he resented my “status” in the community. Funny thing, I could care less about status and he SAID he could care less, but he is a liar and the truth really came out in those 3 months. SO JEALOUS. gross
Once in a while my mother has very good advice. She told me, “the next one needs to be your intellectual equal.” She’s right. I deserve that. No more fix up projects.

Zip
Zip
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore

Love his logic ????????

gorillapoop
gorillapoop
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore

LOLOLOL!

renee62
renee62
3 years ago

He used this one a lot: “The Bible says the wife must be submissive to her husband.”

Meaning take all the crap that I’m dishing out like serial cheating & financial irresponsibility and live with it like a good little wifey because I’m the husband & can do whatever I want.

Eventually I said nope! But it took a while to get there. He used my faith against me many times. He twisted everything.

So Not Your Schmoopie
So Not Your Schmoopie
3 years ago
Reply to  renee62

I believe this is called spiritual abuse on the ‘power & control wheel of abuse’.

It’s also likely patriarchy & rampant entitlement on the part of a cheater trying to justify the unjustifiable with organized religion.

So glad my parents raised me to be agnostic (they were both Catholics, but gave it up for very good reasons by the time they left their parental homes to become independent adults & before they met & happily married each other). When the tenets of the Catholic faith are abused, boy is that ever spiritually toxic.

I want to see more people here putting more faith & love into themselves first (the rest will follow).

Manchump2020
Manchump2020
3 years ago
Reply to  renee62

I love that one too cuz unfortunately that’s not what that verse means. It really means that the husband should die unto himself so her can serve her like Christ did to the church. People misuse that one all the time.

Miss Guided
Miss Guided
3 years ago
Reply to  Manchump2020

Exactly.

AndImDone
AndImDone
3 years ago
Reply to  renee62

Same.

‘You’re supposed to accept what I do (cheating, lying, embezzling, stealing, gaslighting…). Be a good Catholic’

Southern Chump
Southern Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  renee62

Mine did too????. Talk about mindfuck!

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
3 years ago

“We had sex twice!”

(In 27 years? And if that were true you stayed because….? Hold on…let me double check the log book….)

FYI….lying and defrauding and betraying your wife does NOT make for a great sex life…..it can make for a FAKE sex life, however…..

And in retrospect I am sure the reason he never expressed any dissatisfaction is because he had side pieces, being the cake-loving two-faced con artist that he is.

Shelly
Shelly
3 years ago

‘I needed to find a mechanism to deal with my frustration.’
What was your frustration about?
‘I can’t stand conflict.’
Oh! You don’t like the conflict that happens when I discover you lie and cheat?
‘HERE we go again! See, this is what I’m talking about.’
Me: ???????

Honeyandthehomewrecker.com
Honeyandthehomewrecker.com
3 years ago
Reply to  Shelly

I had a similar mind game bestowed on me. In response to learning he was leaving me and our 1 & 2 year old babies for a stripper 1,800 miles away, he said ‘You did nothing wrong. You were a great wife.’ Then I asked why my reward for being a great wife should be this, and he said ‘it’s not you, it’s me. There’s something wrong with me. I can’t handle confrontation.’ I asked what he needed to be confrontational about (I was a pretty kick ass wife, but also completely willing to adjust if there was something he didn’t like) and he said ‘you wouldn’t understand.’ Ah. Well then. It’s above pay grade apparently… in the clouds, mysterious and unclear. Infuriating.

So Not Your Schmoopie
So Not Your Schmoopie
3 years ago

Nah I think you would have understood perfectly, which was the real fear at work here.

It must truly suck to lack self-integrity.

WiserChump
WiserChump
3 years ago

Yes! I was also told “you were a great wife”, and “your the best person I know”

Seriously??? I think that is supposed to make me feel better for being dumped.

Wiser Now
Wiser Now
3 years ago
Reply to  WiserChump

Mine told me that I had treated him better than anyone ever had. Total mindfuck.

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago
Reply to  Wiser Now

oh yeah – I got “This is the most mature and stable relationship I ever had.” Yep, I truly did not have enough drama for him.
I need to fix my red flag monitor – CL and CN are helping me do that.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  WiserChump

I’m convinced these cheaters say this flattering stuff to make us feel better, which, in turn, makes them them feel less shitty about themselves. “Look at me. I said a nice thing. I’m a good person!”

I got something similar: “You are my one true love” and “I think it’s possible to love two people at once.”

I actualy believed it at first, but now I know it’s all BS. I don’t think some of these cheaters are capable of love. They’re just kibble-seeking, pathetic people.

So Not Your Schmoopie
So Not Your Schmoopie
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

We need to call this the “Look at me! I’m a good person!” dance!

Where chumps & schmoopies get stuck doing a ‘pick me! dance, cheaters are condemned to doing an imitation of what it is to be a feeling, caring, loving human.

Cheaters overdo it in the beginning, then when they’ve ‘won’ someone over, they freak out because they *cannot* actually feel for, share with, care for, or love another. We’re not wrong or stupid for feeling good when they are good to us in whatever amounts they choose to perform (remember it’s all fake, we just don’t know it yet because we don’t think our way through feelings), we’re only a bit ignorant in not knowing that they don’t feel anything & that they think in the awful ways they do. Not our fault when we don’t quite know what they’ve tried so hard & for so long to hide.

Even a psychic, empathic, intuitive & highly sensitive person cannot consistently tell when a cheater is lying. We have very primitive sensory tools for spotting their cons, according to the LoveFraud website, we only correctly detect lies being told to us by others ~53% of the time. Our skill at detecting any cheaters’ falsehoods is only slightly better than flipping a coin in deciding whether to believe them. Yes if we listen to our bodies a little more & work a bit harder at picking up on some very subtle signs to try & slow things down that helps a bit, but that’s far from fool-proof & of course good people make the mistake of thinking that cheaters think & feel like good people. They don’t.

Cheaters ‘perform’ their way through life. There’s a whole lot of them faking it & not nearly enough of them making it by themselves. We are their facilitators & that has to stop.

Cheaters simply perform whatever is socially acceptable moment by moment, they perform compliments, they perform caring, they perform love, they perform loyalty.

Until they simply can’t. Then they do all that broken human stuff & try to break us in the process.

None of us signed up to be therapists, neuroscience researchers, prison matrons, jailers or wardens or (for those who have kids) the hardest job: de facto single parents.

I don’t think for a second that cheaters without the help of competent professionals AND their own willingness to look into the scary black hole at the center of themselves (where the dark emotions & thoughts they need to confront & work through await them) will ever feel anything like lasting happiness.

And it’s on the cheaters to figure out why they can’t feel any emotions or just a very dark few. It’s not our job.

Healthy humans don’t have to do unhealthy stuff to adapt to the unhealthy alternate reality of a cheater. The cheaters & anyone who enables them in this world view have it backwards. They need to do the work to join the genuine & good human race.

The healthy people who read & post here are deeply feeling the bad of a cheater’s betrayal because in order to feel the good & be a completely alive human, you have to be open, vulnerable & risk feeling bad. Sometimes we take risks & we lose. But we grieve the losses, we eventually accept the loss & the lessons it brings. And hopefully we don’t take it out on our fellow fully feeling human beings.

Cheaters don’t ever assume any risk, they only want to game things to their short term advantage & not worry about the long term. And this is why they have to lose eventually.

Cheaters will collapse doing the fake “I’m a good person dance” & actual good people over time increasingly see the performance for the lie it really is. Some people take longer to see it because they are naive, some don’t want to see it because it will hurt them & in some cases, some of them pretend it’s true because they’ve chosen to join Team Cheater, & hope to profit in the short term (& more unrealistically in the long term).

It’s hard for anyone to face loss, it’s hard to go against programming to get into ‘pick me’ dance-offs, but it’s not nearly as hard as all the stuff cheaters are doing to deny a far worse reality, that if they go deep within themselves, they’ll only find blackness & emptiness. That dance they will keep doing for decades even though odds are everyone is going to find them out before they die.

No one who isn’t a cheater is trying to rewrite their relationship histories so we don’t ‘look bad’ or ‘look like a failure’. Those are cheater fears, not the fears of a healthy person who is capable of feeling all their feelings, genuinely caring for another, going deep & getting real. But cheaters are ‘stuck on superficial’. They’ll perform or play at staying in delusional Disneyland because their inner children are using childish skills & childish logic to solve adult problems. This is sad, you can give them a little pity for this, but the healthy thing for everyone is to get cheaters to the point of willingly fixing themselves or facing consequences.

At some point cheaters either have to change or they have to be shunned. I know that’s a harsh word, very scary Old Testament Biblical in how it has to be applied. But at the point when you’ve tried everything & then some & it hasn’t worked, it’s time to go no contact (or if you have family ties you cannot untangle, gray rock low contact). It’s time for divorces, custody agreements, crutch relationships with schmoopies & affair partners to be terminated preferably by the schmoopies or the APs, but if not, the schmoopies & APs need to go on the shun list as well as flying monkeys & Switzerfriends. It’s for their own good, but more importantly it’s for ours & for the genuine humans we deserve to have in our lives.

If it were up to me all cheaters & cheating enablers would be sent to Antartica to sort themselves out & create their own separate society while the rest of us go back to a better society where we presume trust until shown otherwise & feel safer in so doing. We heal our traumas, we get to a place where bizarre irrational word salad is not a thing because only people as pathological as cheaters & cheating enablers speak that nonsense to one another, their language is as dead to us as Latin & their bad behavior. Good people build trust & safety slowly, they are reliable, they are honest, they take prudent emotional & relationship risks, they open their hearts gradually & because no one cheats, truly strong relationships get built & enjoyed for a long time to come. I wouldn’t necessarily call this happily ever after, but we can probably find more contented moments than traumatic ones and over time those sum out at happiness.

Tuesday will come, meh is definitely achievable, if we keep at it, there’s a sequence of awesome happy weekends to follow but only if there’s no cheater tolerance.

Keep your eyes on the prize (a world where the cheater just isn’t a bother anymore)!

Chickenchump
Chickenchump
3 years ago

Sounds like utopia. Where’s it going to be built?

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago

So Not Your Schmoopie – I really needed this today. Well said! I was just speaking to a friend yesterday about holding cheaters to the same standard as healthy people. Wow, how different the world will be… I know I am on this bandwagon and I am discussing this idea freely when the topic comes up.

brit
brit
3 years ago

So Not Your Schmoopie, thank you~your comments are an accurate explanation of Cheaters in relationships.
Every interaction a Cheater has with another person is a performance.

I’m saving your posts for future reference.
You’ve put into words what I’ve known to be true.

Zip
Zip
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

I feel that some of these disordered people really do put us in the friend zone. They think we are here for them, but they are not here for us anymore – they are in a fantasy world and they don’t seem to realize the repercussions of what they are doing.
My 1st H – father of my children – who had serious untreated mental health issues, told me I was his best friend when he dumped me. ( so then why dump me? )
2nd H – the cheater, was hugging me and popping by to do things after he had dumped me – like he loved me or I was his good friend. He looked distraught.
I don’t get put in the friend zone when single, I get put in the friend zone when married! Is it my picker, or WTF? I’m not doing anything differently than my happily married friends are doing. I really don’t get it and this is two for two for me.

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago
Reply to  Zip

Zip – they are addicted to the endorphins and all the other chemicals associated with new and exciting relationships. They still believe in fairy tale love and don’t understand long term love is calm. These addictive traits will also manifest in other ways – drug addiction, porn addiction, cheating addiction.
I know my picker needs fixing. While I tend to that, maybe I can help a few other chumps along the way.

Alice
Alice
3 years ago
Reply to  Peregrine

This info is very insightful, thank you!

Zip
Zip
3 years ago

Yes, mine didn’t have ‘the tools’ to talk to me. Yet…he had the ‘tools’ to court a married ick while married to me and break up 2 families.

ChumptyDumpty
ChumptyDumpty
3 years ago

I’ve posted this one before, but it’s rerun worthy:

I agreed to try RIC under a few conditions, one of them being that he take a polygraph to cut thru the trickle truth BS. He agreed but as the date neared he got visibly frayed. When I told him the night before the test that we’d need to pay the second half of the $500 fee upon arrival, he became combative, telling me he wasn’t going to pay for it, that I should. He’d already paid the $250 deposit when the appointment was made, but now wanted me to pay it out of our household budget/ grocery account.
The ensuing conversation about the rationality and fairness of that ended like this:
Me: so let me get this straight, you’ve paid hundreds of $$ a week for sex with our money, but I’m supposed to foot the bill and forgo this week’s groceries for you to follow through on your promise?

Him: I wasn’t paying for sex, I was paying for self-esteem. You buy things you don’t need all the time.

His picture should be right next to ‘Fucktard’ in the cheater dictionary.

So Not Your Schmoopie
So Not Your Schmoopie
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumptyDumpty

Wow I just learned a new word in the Cheater Dictionary (Thesaurus)

“self-esteem” (noun): the kind, degree or frequency of sexual activities a cheater unilaterally, increasingly & deceptively seeks outside of his or her primary monogamous relationship as indiscriminately & expensively as possible.

I’ve heard a lot of euphemisms for ‘sex’ before, but this is my first time hearing this one. Yikes.

This smells like an addiction to the dopamine that sex gives some people. If the STBX did porn & phone sex etc before, he’s likely in an addictive cycle that will only escalate.

That new Eddie Capparucci book ‘Going Deeper’ might help you because this could well be a porn / sex addiction he has. Not saying he has this for sure, but chances are he has an Inner Child running wild & running him & whatever decisions he is making. Instead of getting to his core wound(s) to work on them he learned sometime when he was younger to self-soothe with sex (addicts to alcohol do this with alcohol, addicts to drugs, pick a substance, etc).

I will warn you that Capparucci is Christian, a 12 stepper & does do some paid work with the Reconciliation Industrial Complex (and no you don’t have to do RIC if you don’t want to or you suspect it won’t help you or heaven forbid RIC would make it worse), but Capparucci has free videos on YouTube & the book on Amazon is cheap. If you have a working knowledge of how this addiction spiral goes, you can then spot it sooner in other people & detach from them sooner (of if they are very young & using porn or sex in a toxic way, you have a better chance of getting them help sooner & keeping them from as going as far into the Dark Side as some of the adults who are deep in addiction & need a lot more time & professional help to get to sobriety).

Glad you are getting out from this.

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumptyDumpty

@Chumptydumpty Oh – this is so telling! Sometimes, they do have insight into who they are . He truly needs to get self esteem from outside of himself. How pathetic he must feel if he needs to buy self esteem. No one told him he can make it himself – or it is just easier for him to purchase it. Probably the latter – they are all lazy.

Yas
Yas
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumptyDumpty

Self esteem? Hahahaa! I love this site.

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumptyDumpty

If this wasn’t so sad, it’d be hilarious. It did crack me up, some, though. What a tool!

Alice
Alice
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumptyDumpty

The insecurity in that man just screams! He needed to pay for “self-esteem”? So unattractive!

gorillapoop
gorillapoop
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumptyDumpty

So fucking hilarious, if we weren’t married to them.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumptyDumpty

Perhaps you can get regular monthly self esteem payments added to the settlement in your divorce decree.

ChumptyDumpty
ChumptyDumpty
3 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

????????????

Southern Chump
Southern Chump
3 years ago

Talk about mindfuck….when he was devaluing me and trying to make see the light of why he must be with her he said stuff like this while he was scoffing at me: “You ONLY love me for me. The ONLY things you can say what’s good about us is we have FUN together, we LAUGH together, we are BEST FRIENDS, we LOVE each other’s kids, we LOVE each other and we have AMAZING sex. THAT’s IT! Nothing else? (Me in total shock crying….and a very awkward long pause) Then he starts concluding his dismissal of me by saying: “I want to go live life and do things. I’ve worked hard all my life with no life to show for it…no memories, nothing. I want to go to the beach, the mountains, the lake….I want to live.” (Me still in total shock because I had asked him many times for us to take trips….even day trips…to live life and he would refuse EVERY SINGLE TIME because it interfered with work.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Southern Chump

He wins the mindfuck gold medal!

IdontWanna
IdontWanna
3 years ago
Reply to  Southern Chump

My stbx flat out refused to go out to dinner, go camping with our son, or go on any kind of vacation. Despite having several weeks of paid vacation. His excuse for being a surly killjoy was always work.
Of course the first thing he did with the dead-eyed skank was to go on vacation and take long weekends at expensive hotels. All while refusing to pay child support.
So infuriatingly selflish

Zip
Zip
3 years ago
Reply to  Southern Chump

Southern, He sounds totally and utterly screwed up. We can so relate to the madness.
Mine told me ‘there were some good things between us’. This after being told repeatedly that we were so lucky, that he was my soulmate that I was the love of his life, amazing sex, blah blah blah then all of a sudden ‘ some good things’ as he’s dumping me.
And he was fucking OW because they had an intellectual connection – had nothing to with sex.

Alice
Alice
3 years ago
Reply to  Southern Chump

My XH would refuse as well, used the same excuse as yours “I have to WORK!”

I’d try to make plans for us but would always get denied. Even going on to dinner with me once a week was a chore for him.

Yet, he’d complain we never did anything. I wanted to throw his golf clubs through his car windshield I was so angry.

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
3 years ago
Reply to  Alice

Mine claimed to want “spontaneity”, but would get furious if I suggested, on a whim, we go do something fun. He said he needed to “plan” these things. They had to be worked into his schedule. Yeah, go figure that one out.

Alice
Alice
3 years ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

They are just full of excuses, it’s crap like that which would cause me so much anxiety. I don’t miss it at all.

Janet
Janet
3 years ago

question: (to him)
are you sleeping with her ?
Answer: “She has shown me some affection”
Question ( from him)
Don’t you want to be happy?
Answer (to him)
Yes I want to be happy with you.

Attie
Attie
3 years ago
Reply to  Janet

Damn, “she has shown me some affection” sounds so much classier than “she dropped her knickers for me” doesn’t it!

gorillapoop
gorillapoop
3 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Certainly better than I got: “there was anal and genital stimulation.” Permanently burned into my brain. Sorry to inflict it on you guys, but my hope is if I say it enough, it will lose all meaning (like it has for him, apparently).

Fern
Fern
3 years ago
Reply to  gorillapoop

I’m sure it was painful to hear at the time, but that is actually hilarious. You should have it printed on a card and take it out when ever you need a good laugh. Talk about a fucktard. WTF?? Anal and genital stimulation-was this a research study or an exuberant Quest for aliveness? Dumbass.

Fearful&Loathing
Fearful&Loathing
3 years ago
Reply to  gorillapoop

Two days after D-day, my cheater described OW orgasms in great detail to me and stated about himself “I guess I’m really good at sex”.

Marianne
Marianne
3 years ago
Reply to  gorillapoop

OMFG

ShePersisted
ShePersisted
3 years ago

So so many:

“I thought we could reconcile if we worked through one affair. I didn’t think I needed to tell you about the others.”

“Why don’t you do the basic things to make me happy?”

“I wasn’t getting my needs met by you.”

“I thought that cheating would save our marriage. I thought that cheating was better than divorce.”

“I thought you were ok with cheating.”

“I cheated because I was sexually abused as a child.”

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago

*If I didn’t listen to my voice of defiance, I would despair.(Head scratcher)

*Let’s get back together in, say, 3 years. (Delusional?)

*I made a mistake. (Like forgetting to buy milk.)

*You gave as good as you got. (No, I didn’t. I wasn’t perfect, but I didn’t cheat.)

*I know it’s irrational, but I don’t like the idea of you dating anyone else, ever. (This was followed by: “I was up all night writing an email for your next sexual partner, so he’ll know how to please you.” (Not only sicko but totally narcissistic of him.)

*You know we’ll never have better sex than we had with each other. (Speak for yourself, buddy.)

*I think it’s possible to love two people at the same time.(Liar.)

*I know the games the whore is playing. It’s untested love. (“But I chose to throw my marriage away on this gamble because otherwise I would despair. (see point 1 above)

*”I’m impuslvie. It was like hit-me-over-the-head-with-a-rock flirtation.”

Sigh. These probaby don’t fit the funny word-salad criteria CL was looking for here, at least not for me. It just makes me feel down.

Alice
Alice
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

“I was up all night writing an email for your next sexual partner, so he’ll know how to please you.”

Are you F’ing kidding me!?!?! Who the F does he think he is?! F’ing PIG!

“You know we’ll never have better sex than we had with each other.”

My XH said similar, I told him my next partner won’t need to take little blue pills lol

Hope Springs
Hope Springs
3 years ago
Reply to  Alice

????????????????my ex had cialis…..”but he never needed it” he “gave it to his brother”. Nothing original. Wonder how that’s going? Howife must know by now.

Loui
Loui
3 years ago
Reply to  Hope Springs

To his brother?
Mine told me it’s not my business and it’s between him and his doctor
– but you ordered the pills on the internet, you could die
– it’s not my business anyway
– but 4 of them are missing!!
– that’s because he was planning on having sex with me
– you were on the pill with an erection 1/2 day at work??!?????
– it’s not your business
We haven’t had sex for months.
That was before dday
( he was into hookers)

Few months Later /during reconciliation ( I was always super supportive of his inability to do it- if happened- ) he had an issue keeping it up.
I sight, went to brush my teeth for the 2 Nd time, came back to bed and tried to fall asleep

Him: you won’t say anything? I feel like a looser… I feel like you don’t care anymore ( I am a big empathetic and was always trying to make him feel ok)
Me: well, what should I say? It’s not my business after all

Hope Springs
Hope Springs
3 years ago
Reply to  Loui

Sex with him was pretty mediocre……That was”my fault”…..he acted like he was doing me a favor.????guess those pills he gave his brother he used on the downgrade. She’ll realize she’s not so special about the same time she runs out of money????

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Hope Springs

Gave them to his brother. Haha. Sure.

My ex’s subscription renewed the month after D-Day when we still shared a credit card. When I called him on it, he actually said, “It’s not what you think.”

He knew I knew he was living with his mistress, so, yeah, it was exactly what I was thinking. Why bother lying at that point?

Alice
Alice
3 years ago
Reply to  Hope Springs

She probably does.

My XH will forever need Viagra. I don’t miss seeing those damn pills on my bathroom counter. Whatever woman he gets next can deal with the eye sore.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Alice

Thansk for the validation, Alice.

Btw, mine relied on viagra, too! Are they all the same?

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

oh god! I found out he was using Viagra with the AP! I wondered how much he used it with me? Secrets.. so many secrets. and SO MANY INSECURITIES. good bye dumb ass.

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Apparently they do. At least, MINE did. He needed help getting it up, but was highly critical of my waning personal lubrication. Yes, getting old sucks. And, just like the little blue pill, there are plenty of helpers in the personal lubrication arena. OK for him to use the pill, not OK for me to use Astroglide.

And we won’t even go into him needing dildos, vibrators, etc. on himself to actually get off.

PastorsWifeChumpNoMore
PastorsWifeChumpNoMore
3 years ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

Yes — my ex also couldn’t keep it up without Viagra. He preferred butt play and couldn’t get off without some form of it. He wasn’t much fun in bed, tbh, and I always needed lubricant (which he resented and resisted)

My current yummy blondie needs NO help from Viagra. And funny that I don’t need lube anymore ????

Alice
Alice
3 years ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

XH would criticize that my genitals were not bare & bleached like that of porn stars. I always responded with, “only if you do the same” and he didn’t like that.

No one is going to tell me how to “keep” my genital area. No One!

Loui
Loui
3 years ago
Reply to  Alice

The complaints ????‍♀️
The saddest part is, that most of the faithful women are so she’ll shocked by the accusations ( oh, you don’t turn me on, I don’t find you attractive anymore, I don’t like oral with you, I can’t keep it up because of you- so it was a rush to do it before he went????)
That we dance and try to FIX ourselves, bending like damn pretzel to please our h’s.

I woke up after 17 years of such a horrible hot- cold gaslighting treatment….

What do I know now?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with me.
H #2 can’t get enough of me and is really happy to see my desire, joy and excitement to have sex with him. No blue pill needed, no 5 minute sex.
I just wasted the best years of my life thinking that something was wrong with me
While 5,6’, blonde, size 6-8, college educated…. right now I’m size 12, and feel better than ever.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Alice

Oh God! That’s awful. Porn does something to these guys.

Alice
Alice
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

As weird as it sounds, I’m glad I’m not the only one who had to deal with a cheater who needed viagra.

It was the only time in my life with XH that I said something negative about his pills. Before that, I never said anything because I didn’t want to make him feel bad. XH needed the pills because his prescriptions caused “negative” side-effects, thus the pills were needed. And he will need them his whole life.

They are ALL THE SAME.

Adelante
Adelante
3 years ago

Here’s my submission. It’s a letter from him to me, written during “reconciliation,” but when we were separated for two months:

One part of this I know will be hard for me. We both know that my instinct is going to be to go off and do my own thing without maintaining contact, and I agree with you that each of us letting the other know what’s up is important. I also believe that sticking to a schedule is the way for me to go–say, committing to writing or calling at least every other week–until momentum takes hold and it’s possible to be more flexible, as it has been for us talking to one another lately. The hard part for me is going to be getting past the defenses I habitually erect that make it hard for me to write in the first place. I know what I have to do, more or less: just be honest about whatever I’m thinking or feeling, ignoring the feeling that anything I say is going to lead to disaster, and then deal with your actual responses as they arise. The best way I can think to approach it is simply to say to myself, hey, if I write something she hates, then the worst that can happen is that we split up in the way we’ve talked about; and if I can’t find a way to do this, to speak and act without feeling like anything I do or say is going to be wrong, then our marriage isn’t going to last anyway, or shouldn’t. There is some danger in this, in which case, all I can ask is that you tell me so, and try to be as clear as you can about what you’re OK with talking about and what you aren’t. The last thing I want to do is to prolong your obsessive mental processing. But there’s something of a conflict between imperatives here, which I hope we can find a way to balance.

Tone is critical, and as we are both only too print is a medium in which tone is easily lost, so I want to start by saying how I feel. Or felt. Or feel/felt.

Before your latest, I felt like this: a little hurt, though not really upset; a little sad; less hopeful; somewhat resigned; but most of all determined, saying to myself that if I’m going to fuck this up it’s not going to be the way I would typically do it, by clamming up and drifting away, but by overcoming my instinctive reactions and telling you exactly what’s going on with me.

The hurt and sadness are not responses to what you said–I’ll get to that later–but to what you didn’t say. Here’s how it felt: I wrote an email full of hope and love and other stuff, and got a response only about the other stuff, with none of the hope and love acknowledged or returned. And I had my usual feeling that I can’t do anything right: I took some risks, however small, putting myself out there by daring to be hopeful about us, and got slapped down for it.

To be clear: I am not saying “you should have done this” or “you shouldn’t have done that.” I have zero interest in making you be or do anything. I am trying to be clear about how I feel, to keep myself from going into my silence and paralysis number.

WiserChump
WiserChump
3 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

“Clear”? What the hell was that? Why are these letters all so badly written?

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  WiserChump

Haha! I agree.

In their defense, it’s hard to write clearly when you consider what they’re working with here: blameshifting, BS justifications, and lies. I mean, it takes superb writing skills to spin that shit into something coherent.

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

haha! Spinach@35, you nailed it.

Took Out the Trash
Took Out the Trash
3 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

After cheating – this is what he has to say to you? He wants to be clear about how HE feels – because that is what’s important here . . .

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
3 years ago

What a bunch of psychobable nonsense leading nowhere, and all about him and his precious “feelings.” Fuck his feelings. He can’t even clearly state them. Bet you’re glad to be shut of the moron.

Skunkcabbage
Skunkcabbage
3 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

“obsessive mental processing” – Well, from the way this letter is going, I’d say you’re not the one with this problem.

So Not Your Schmoopie
So Not Your Schmoopie
3 years ago
Reply to  Skunkcabbage

“obsessive mental processing” = dealing with the trauma of betrayal & its aftermath, it’s called ‘rumination’ & it’s a natural biological process. When you are blindsided as all chumps are by this kind of betrayal, it’s natural to try to constantly figure out what happened, it’s not ‘obsessive’.

Given that you’re dealing with the person who caused you this trauma, continued communication between you beyond what is strictly necessary may well keep you stuck there.

Look into PTSD & C-PTSD resources for yourself so you can get unstuck for YOU not for the cheater, aka the Faux Therapist (obsession is a totally different thing than recovery from trauma).

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago
Reply to  Skunkcabbage

“obsessive mental processing” – classic projection.

UXworld
UXworld
3 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

“I am trying to be clear about how I feel . . .” #MissionAborted

Chump Lady may have to make “the defenses I habitually erect” into a hashtag used to call “BULLSHIT” — #DefensesIHabituallyErect or #HabituallyErectedDefenses

ShieldMaidenLagertha
ShieldMaidenLagertha
3 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Perhaps #DefensiveErections? ????

Adelante
Adelante
3 years ago

Perfect.

Adelante
Adelante
3 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Yes, “the defenses I habitually erect” is a winner, as are

“prolong your obsessive mental processing”.
“something of a conflict between imperatives here”
“overcoming my instinctive reactions”

all of which could be reworked into hashtags.

I must say that I enjoyed this Friday challenge. Going back through those emails left me in stitches, which showed me how far I’ve come.

MaisyL
MaisyL
3 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

OMG. I hope you responded “TLDR”. Why do they send these sixteen page long word vomit missives?

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  MaisyL

MaisyL, your response (TLDR) cracked me up. Thanks for the laugh!

gorillapoop
gorillapoop
3 years ago
Reply to  MaisyL

Yes, word vomit. 4 years after divorce and I am grey rock. I keep my responses to 3 words max, and only when necessary and about the kids. He lives with his parents, just up the street from me. I supported their son financially for our entire 11-year marriage.

His father just put a lien on the marital home I live in, and is demanding immediate payment under threat of foreclosure. I responded to his father that I took on this heavily-mortgaged (still underwater) home when we divorced because his son could not, and so the kids’ would not have to experience the disruption of moving at that time. I told him that any money I could give him would come out of my budget for the kids’ college savings, and that was unacceptable. I am planning to move out and let them foreclose.:

“Good morning – I wanted to commit to $1,300 a month toward college contributions for the kids and ask you for some guidance on the best way to rationalize the contributions.

My dad was kind enough to share your letter of last month as part of his process thinking through how to respond. I certainly don’t need or want to get involved in all that, but I was struck by how valuable it was to hear what you had gone through financially, and what your current level of contribution for the kids’ college funds was. I want to match that.

It also strikes me think that maybe it’s valuable for you to know where I’m coming from financially. In October 2019 I left my business association with XXX XXX and walked away from a lot of busy-ness and income while building my own organization. Part of the issue was XXXs’ terrible accounting and not having filed taxes or W-2s since 2018. Honestly we’re still fighting about all that.

When I left my association with him, I got to carry the brand, XXX XXX, that we had started. It’s a brand on another business organization registered with the State Corporation Commission and State Bar, and I am a sole owner. I have three people who work for me in part time or associate capacity, including XXX XXX who is an administrator/runner. Over September and October I drew down my clientele, invested heavily in training, found some people who would lend me assistance or allow me to hire their assistance, and focused on quality representation over quantity. A lucky new hire, XXX, meant my marketing and branding was well taken care of and she’s just fantastic when it comes to immigration law. Business has picked up. Slowly at first, and now quickly. My cash flow has started to pick up starting in June. The pipeline of cases has increased steadily meaning this looks like it’s going to continue.

At the same time I’m getting a handle over expenses in a way that mitigates risk with regard to any litigation or audit against or involving XXX. My accountant has done my books over the last couple years and we can file with the IRS knowing our best and worst case scenario and being able to proceed forward with compliant accounting regardless of whatever audit or litigation it triggers over and between XXX and I. And that knowledge helps because at the moment I have more money coming in, I also know how much I’m going to have to spend and I don’t have to just shelter in place [his parents’ basement] hoarding money that I might have to use to litigate or survive an audit.

That means the conservative, savings strategy I used over the first half of the year can be changed. It’s time for me to think about investing regularly and monthly. That includes investing in the kids’ education.

I only have access to one 529 account [for our son]. I put $3000 in it this month and I’m going to put $1300 in it on 1 August, or 3 August depending on when the debit goes through. But it strikes me that you have access to two accounts one each for the kids. My contribution might need to be adjusted based on those relative values. To add to complexity, [our son’s] two years ahead of [our daughter] and will likely have to draw against the 529 account earlier. Do you have any suggestions, information, or guidance on how best to optimize the contributions?

This can be a conversation. Ask any questions you want. On the other hand it doesn’t need to be. I truly don’t know what’s helpful for you to manage the kids’ monthly contributions for education. I just know that I want to help do what you’re doing, because it’s pretty awesome.”

Whatever dude.

MaisyL
MaisyL
3 years ago
Reply to  gorillapoop

“I see how you’re struggling and how my dad is abusing you like I did, but I’m totally not going to help. I’m just going to write you a super long email about how awesome you are!!!! And aren’t I a great guy — I mean, I’m letting my dad evict my kids from their home but I’m so totally chipper!!! Cheers!”

gorillapoop
gorillapoop
3 years ago
Reply to  MaisyL

Thanks for the UBT. You captured his essence perfectly.

Hope Springs
Hope Springs
3 years ago
Reply to  gorillapoop

There was zero in that that helped with the housing…..get out and let them have the foreclosure.

gorillapoop
gorillapoop
3 years ago
Reply to  Hope Springs

Thank you, I feel so ashamed of a foreclosure, and I don’t know what to tell the kids, knowing they are already being sold a line of bullshit by him and his family. But financially and emotionally, these people are leaving me no space to build my life.

WisedUp
WisedUp
3 years ago

When I asked the obvious question of why did he cheat: “I ran the sharing idea by her, but she wouldn’t go for that.” Might I point out that “the” “sharing idea” was not something that was run by me before he gave himself permission to cheat.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  WisedUp

“The sharing idea” run by the whore and her alone. How disrespectul! Geezus.

I think the caring about what the whore thinks and protecting her is incredibly hurtful.

Along these lines, the cheater said when we were dividing assets, “She (whore) doesn’t want anything of yours.” Me: “She just wants my husband.”

He also said, “You need to apologize to her (i.e, the mistress).” This said after he bragged that his lawyer was impressed with his net worth. I responded, “I bet your whore was impressed to.” I couldn’t resist.

He also said something like, “She would never do anything to hurt me.” (As opposed to me? What?)

Talking to your wife about your mistress, as if you’re a love-struck teen, is tone-deaf and even sadistic.

Hope Springs
Hope Springs
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Should I feel hurt, I was never offered the “sharing”option?????

Madge2
Madge2
3 years ago

The two word salad concoctions that stick in my head:

1. When confronted with the affair ‘As with so many things in life, truth and perception are not the same thing’. The emails looked real to me. I managed to print them off without having to cast a spell first ????.

2. ‘You are too altruistic’. Ah, I’m too kind and that made you have an affair.

I also enjoyed use of the word ‘saddened’ rather than ‘sad’ just in case I had any doubt about why the affair was all my fault.

He always was and always will be a pompous fool.

Yas
Yas
3 years ago
Reply to  Madge2

Mine said. Affairs just happen. It’s what men do.
Another one, I am weak. You have to just accept it.

So Not Your Schmoopie
So Not Your Schmoopie
3 years ago
Reply to  Yas

My reply: “Bad behavior has unpleasant consequences. You just have to accept that.”

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago

I said essentially the same thing, but my cheater refuses the term “consequences.” He insists on the term “punishment.” I pointed out that the former term suggests agency while the latter implies victimhood. He ignored my distinction, of course, and instead went on to say that he “didn’t expect the venom to flow like this.”

Woe is he! The most punished man. It’s part of his narcissism. I’m sure schmoopie agrees and tries to soothe him when he gets into a real funk about it. No doubt he has convinced her that, in these tough times, a good BJ improves his spirits. It’s the least she can do.???? And if she really loves him, she’ll do it even when he has a herpes outbreak.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Madge2

Madge2: ‘As with so many things in life, truth and perception are not the same thing’.

Dear God! What the hell does the even mean or have to do with anything? Word-salad deflection and obfuscation.

I got similar BS that seemed aimed to show that his cheating was motivated not by his dick and need for kibbles but rather by his sophisticated thinking and existential angst–something bigger than all of us and beyond the comprehension of mere mortals (i.e., me).

And the passive voice is a winner for these cheaters. Mistakes were made!

With2Under2
With2Under2
3 years ago

Him – “I’m sorry if I did something 3 weeks ago to upset you. 3 weeks ago it seems like you stopped working on our marriage and reneged on everything you agreed to.”
Me – “You mean when you filed for divorce?”

I recorded this gem. He sounded like an insane, lost boy. By this conversation, he had been caught booking a vacation with OW, got an apartment, moved out, took another vacation with OW, and had handed me divorce papers.

Now I just get crazy recaps after every possession time. 7-8 paragraphs for 3 hours possession. It is always a “fun filled evening” or “action packed evening” where the kids eat “vegetable loaded” dinner and watch educational TV for 10 minutes. He tells me a specific number of every food item they eat (5 cheetos and 1/2 an oreo) and what times and details on every diaper change he did. And I don’t believe a single word of any of it.

He also claimed that we hadn’t had sex in 3 years. Which was odd considering I had just given birth to his child. *sigh*

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  With2Under2

Unbelievable!!!

nomar
nomar
3 years ago

In marriage counseling during (false) reconciliation, cheating ex-wife said:

“I’m here because I’m committed to our marriage, HOWEVER I can’t say for sure that things with [latest affair partner] are completely over.”

Even the counselor was gobsmacked by that one. Soon after she adjourned the session so ex-wife could figure out what she wanted. A few days later I discovered there had been other affairs and I filed.

Yeah, pretty clear she never understood what “committed” means.

Megachump
Megachump
3 years ago
Reply to  nomar

“You NEVER liked my mother”
I didn’t marry your mother! At least that’s what I thought. The momma’s boy is 58 and the umbilical cord as strong as a newborn’s

So Not Your Schmoopie
So Not Your Schmoopie
3 years ago
Reply to  Megachump

Oh dear, this sounds like enmeshment with one’s parent(s) to me…

Zip
Zip
3 years ago
Reply to  nomar

????unbelievable

MaisyL
MaisyL
3 years ago

I got this in response to telling him that I was uncomfortable that he walked into my entryway one evening without knocking to pick up our son’s skis; and AH’s dissatisfaction with my response that I would be back to pick up the skis “after work on Friday” as not specific enough. And the quote at the bottom – my favourite part.

******
Hi MaisyL,

Your inability to even pretend to act like a normal co-parent, let alone be one, is so unfortunate for the boys. I asked you (twice) a simple question — when are you coming by? — and you refused to answer. So be it.

Unlike you, when I came by to pick up the skis last a few weeks ago I texted Child many hours in advance and then I then texted him (and Child texted right back) an exact arrival time (care of Waze) when I knew I was heading over and I know that he told you. There was literally nothing unexpected about it and it’s strange that you continue to state so. And, as you know (and, once again, for the record), I have not been in your entryway (let alone “force my way” into your entryway) since I picked up my clothes and books about or so four years ago. You clearly remain sore that Child had a normal conversation with me in your presence.

“Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not to his own facts.” Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan (D-NY)

*****
Ugh. Such a prick.

LearningNotToDance
LearningNotToDance
3 years ago
Reply to  MaisyL

I had to explain to STBX that although his name was still on the mortgage, he chose to move out. He was only a landlord now. Landlords have to give 24 hours notice and still knock before entering.
He was not happy and threatened to break in if I tried to keep him out or change the locks. However, he was better about knocking and giving me advance notice after I got my lawyer involved.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago

Yay for lawyers! Isn’t it amazing how the cheater backs down when the lawyer gets involved. Worth every penny, imo.

Adelante
Adelante
3 years ago
Reply to  MaisyL

“So be it.” The tagline of pomposity.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

Adelante: hahaha! So true!

UXworld
UXworld
3 years ago
Reply to  MaisyL

Yup, I get these”you refuse to be a normal, respectful co-parent — our kids are the ones who suffer” missives all the time. Still. And always as a “last word on the matter.”

Mitz
Mitz
3 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Freaks always seek to shame others.

MaisyL
MaisyL
3 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Yep, I’m not normal, I’m the worst co-parent in the world, I’m putting our children through unknown suffering in front of God and everyone, I’m shameless, I’m brazen, I’m the one failure out of 8 million coparents around the world, it’s disgusting how I use the children in my machinations against him…blah blah blah…parental alienation…blah blah blah.

And I lol’d at your “last word on the matter” – I’ve gotten those exact words MANY times.

PastorsWifeChumpNoMore
PastorsWifeChumpNoMore
3 years ago
Reply to  MaisyL

Yeah um dealing with a cheater means you are dealing with a narcissist. In which case co-parenting is not really the goal– rather parallel parenting is the goal.

My ex still insists that he wants to co-parent. he wants to go to counseling together so that we can parent better together. Blah blah. No thanks!! I don’t need his help and the children are not in grave danger during his parenting time. I am getting along just fine with the help of my own therapist and the decisions I am making, alone, as a mother.

no-way
no-way
3 years ago

I got told that I was “collateral damage”. A fancy way of saying not cared for or respected enough!

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  no-way

That’s terribly cruel. I hope you’re free now.

growingwingsagain
growingwingsagain
3 years ago

So much word salad was thrown around that it’s difficult to pick. But here are two of the top ten, with a little bit of context.
1) In the first few months after D-Day I (like all Chumps) was in a terrible state, unable to eat or sleep. I was told that my pain was visible, and that it created an ‘existential paradox’ for Cheater. ‘I see how much you’re suffering and I’m sorry about that. I know that what I’m doing is causing the suffering, but I’m having fun doing what I’m doing.’
2) I went away for a weekend with our kid, and before I left I begged Cheater, literally on my knees (I know, I know, but I was a different person then) not to have AP visit while we were gone. He gave me his word. When I returned and found some very squalid evidence of her stay, Cheater said ‘My word is valid only at the moment in which it is given.’

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago

More evidence that he is an ABUSER. I am so sorry you went through this, growingwingsagain, I heard the same bullshit. I also got on my knees (I did, acutally, do this) and fawned over him trying to get him back. He would tell me what a great person I am and then tell me about his relationship with the AP. WTF??? WTF???. Now I know, just an abuser – plain and simple – he only wants to use me and hurt me.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago

‘My word is valid only at the moment in which it is given.’
????????????

That reminds me. Mine said, “Tell me that I’m a pathological liar to my face because then you’ll be lying.” hahaha.

Bruno
Bruno
3 years ago

Most of you are too young to remember Nixon’s press secretary Ron Ziegler, but he used an all time great excuse when caught lying:
“My previous statement is inoperative.”

Alice
Alice
3 years ago

XH (text): “I’m sorry it’s all come to this. I didn’t want it to.”

Alice (text): “I have nothing to say to you XH”

XH (text): “Well again I’m sorry”

Alice (text): no response

To summarize: These texts were sent the night before our final meeting with lawyers. I don’t know why he had the need to send me these things, it doesn’t really matter. It took a lot not to respond to him, I badly wanted to say “take your sorry and go Fu*k yourself!”

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Alice

Way to go, Alice!!????

Alice
Alice
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Thanks 😉

Yas
Yas
3 years ago
Reply to  Alice

Well done, you.

Alice
Alice
3 years ago
Reply to  Yas

Thankyou! 🙂

ChickenMom
ChickenMom
3 years ago

After finding out that my cheater had done the one thing I asked him not to do and brought our kids around his affair partner (my former friend) while we were still married, I went off on him about what kind of example he was setting for our kids. His response? “They’ll understand that life is nuanced.” WTF

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago
Reply to  ChickenMom

Finding out that his kids knew about her for a year or so and met her – this is what hurts me most. The triangulation is so typical – but to use children to do this is so low. I look back at all the parentification that went on between him and his kids – it is just so sick. Those poor kids. How DARE he put the children in that position where they have to lie?? Oh yeah, his children are his only “friends”. It is just a matter of time before they figure out he is not their friend and he never was – what a shitty parent.

Chumperella
Chumperella
3 years ago

You have no idea what men want….
When I asked him to explain I was told that I should know.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
3 years ago