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Technology and Divorce: What you don’t know can hurt you financially

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stalkToday’s guest blog is by David Wilkinson Esq. CFLS  While this information can apply to either the chump or the cheater, I thought it was important to run, because as many of us know from sad experience, disordered people often online stalk you and try to find things to incriminate you with in court. (This happened to me. I had things I posted anonymously on support forums used against me at a custody trial — not that it got any traction.) So if you’re divorcing, do your prep work and your research! Doesn’t hurt to be too careful. Cheaters? Let’s hope they’re sloppy. — Tracy

While testifying in family court during her divorce trial, Sally began to wonder why her husband and his attorney began smiling and smirking following several comments by Sally regarding the “work trip” she took in 2014 to San Francisco.  Sally was then presented with a slew of documents including copies of her Facebook photo albums showing pictures of Sally with her boyfriend at a fancy hotel in San Francisco on the weekend she was allegedly working.  She was also presented with email messages that she had previously deleted from her home computer contradicting her testimony moments ago.  Sally’s body slunk in the witness seat as the family judge glared at her.  Sally wondered how this could happen.

Technology can have a powerful impact in modern divorce cases.  Divorcing litigants are often shocked to see the level of technology being used as a sword against them.  Sometimes, litigants aren’t even aware such technology exists.

Here are several interesting facts that you may not be aware, which might apply to your divorce case:

  • Did you know that there is an “underground” server that stores copies of website pages that were previously taken down?  Technology experts can often find these deleted pages, which may include business pages created by a spouse.
  • Did you know that cell phone carriers do not retain copies of text messages for more than approximately three days before purging them?  Even you timely subpoena text messages sent by your spouse, the carrier will not release the messages, relying on federal law.  The carriers do retain the dates and times when messages were sent.
  • If you think that information has been deleted from a computer hard drive, think again.  Forensic computer experts are often able to extract deleted data from computer hard drives so long as the drive has not been physically damaged or destroyed, including documents, photographs and videos, and email messages.
  • There are over 37 million subscribers to the Ashley Madison website service, which matches individuals that wish to cheat on their spouse.
  • Every available email, text message, Tweet, Facebook post, LinkedIn entry, Snapchat or Instagram photo, or other social media communication that a divorcing litigant has made can be used against that person to either impeach or serve as a party admission at trial.
  • Every new smartphone uses GPS and data is retained on the device showing exactly where the holder of the phone went over a period of time.

Always follow these eight simple steps before a divorce case is ever filed (or as soon as possible thereafter):

1. Perform a Google search with every variation of your name, including a search for images, to ensure that no unsightly information concerning you exists on the web.

2. Review your privacy and security settings on all social media accounts.

3. Do not “friend” anyone on Facebook that you do not know personally.  Investigators routinely create fake accounts to try and gain access to profiles and information.

4. Let your friends and family know that they should beware of any person they do not personally know trying to befriend them on Facebook.

5. Change all online passwords to social media accounts, bank and investment accounts, life insurance and other financial accounts.

6. Avoid posting a “tweet” on Twitter.  If you must tweet, be sure to disable the tweet location settings and try not to say anything disparaging out your soon-to-be ex.

7. Avoid sending Snapchat photos or posting Instagram photos unless you are absolutely sure they will have no relevance in your divorce case.  Especially in the case of Snapchat, software exists that can recover photos and conversations that were ‘deleted’ by the app.

8. Disable your LinkedIn account or ensure the accuracy of your LinkedIn profile page.

David F - Headshot

For more on divorce and technology, visit here.

David Wilkinson is an attorney and Certified Family Law Specialist (CFLS) licensed to practice law in California and Massachusetts.  

Mr. Wilkinson , co-founder of Wilkinson & Finkbeiner, handles all facets of family law, from straightforward negotiation and preparation of pleadings to complex litigation.  

For the past four years, Mr. Wilkinson has served as pro bono supervising attorney for the California Western School of Law and University of California San Diego joint collaborative legal-medical Community Law Project.

He recently left California to start the firm’s new office in Boston, Mass.  

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • OW is a gold mine – she likes to advertise the affair by leaving pictures on Facebook of their trips, my H in her house, etc.

    • Just a word of caution… Depending on where you live, some information is illegal to obtain. Key loggers, for example or spyware put on a p.c. without your spouses knowledge is illegal in some, if not all states. Checking social media, phone records, email (if you were given the password) are all perfectly legal. You don’t want to end up on the wrong side of the law. Plus, any information obtained illegally is inadmissible in court.

      • Thank you for the added note, KK. That is a great point. Gaining electronic information illegally is governed by federal statute and is therefore illegal in all 50 states. The “visit here” link above has a detailed article on this subject and discusses this issue, in terms of the caution that should be taken as well as the evidentiary implications for court.

      • Also, more and more, the email providers will notify the account holder whenever someone logs into their email using a different computer, so there is a good chance, even if you have the password or legal access, when you do log in, the email owner will get notified that you have logged in.

    • My stbx os one of the 37 million that subscribed to Ashley Madison. I certainly dont want drawn out litigation with my divorce. Under the circumstances I have played way too fair. Because I know the Narc in him, he will say nothing is fair, my question is what is the legal perception, or should I say do judges even care if I have solid records of his membership with a website that is only for having an affair?

      Thanks Chump Nation:-) 🙂 Stay strong – remember to breathe! !:-)

      • You should be able to use that as evidence of infidelity, esp. if he has posted pictures of himself. for more evidence, I’d consider hiring a PI.

      • In recent news – the AM ‘private’ info has now been released onto the dark web. Watch the karma bus roll these fuckers down now!
        In other news – it seems the playbook is out in play at the moment. I commented on an article named ‘What to do when you think your friend is being cheated on’ and, true to form, someone told me to ‘grow up’ after saying ‘you always tell them – no ands, ifs or buts.’

        http://www.lifehacker.com.au/2015/08/what-to-do-when-you-think-a-friend-is-being-cheated-on/

        Projection, anyone? I bet he’s a cheater.

        • I keep hearing about the dark web, but have no idea what it is. Hmmm, maybe a google search is in order. David, thank you for the article. I wish I had known this stuff before the X moved out, taking only his computers and equipment. Oh, and every SD card, too.
          Also, Is it inappropriate to comment on how adorable David is?

      • I only got the membership to browse through all the profiles and to my surprise, there was my wife at least ten different times but photoshopped differently on each profile. How could she possibly be the one communicating with all those people for ten different profiles? Probably because she was never really communicating with them, a computer was.

  • When I first started on line dating, I was cyber stalked. It was surprizing how much info a perfect stranger could find on me albeit I do live in a small town. When told to stop, he somehow was able to monkeywrench my on line account and it was cancelled. A tad worrying as my life had been threatened over my work years ago. He found out what my home looks like, where I work, work location, email and other contact info. I actually left social media (Faceplant) for good because of repeated attention from creepy locals. I can just imagine the plethora of info obtainable when you’re married. I would say never, ever say anything on line, write articles/comments/posts or post pics that could ever be seen as incriminating under different circumstances. Why folks need to brag about rships etc on line is beyond me. The rship can and often does break up and you’d be left looking like a fool at the very least. Private life is private.

    • Oh Cooper that is very frightening. One of the many, many reasons I don’t have any type of social media. I have no need for them at all. I never experience on line dating also for what you wrote above and other reasons. I hope they caught this person and did something. There are so many messed up people out there. Sending you some hugs and I hope things are much better.

      I am with you about people have to always brag about their relationships on social media. It is like that with the ex and his owhorewife. They are always taking pics couple pics and have many shared social media accounts. Just goes to show you how much their disorder is way out of control. My thoughts are if you have to keep on bragging about your “perfect” relationship on social media instead of living it your “perfect” relationship is all in your head.

  • I felt mighty when the ex’s lawyer, a known nasty practicioner, turned to my ex in the courthouse and said “you are so stupid; you keep giving her ammunition to use against you”.
    All I did was use his own public documents, actions and even a TV appearance against him.

    He could only find a work photo where I said “I have the best job in the world” and try to use that against me.

    BUT don’t stop after the divorce if you are receiving maintenance. Keep track of large expenses (millions of dollars in my case). It would be hard to cry poverty with documents showing years of insane spending.

    The Internet can be you free detective infused legally and properly.

    Not stalking but documenting!

      • I agree. It took me less than an hour to find out Butterface’s name. All I had to do was compare my X’s friends with what my brother could see because we were both friends of his on Facebook. She had blocked me, but never blocked my brother because obviously, she didn’t know who he was.

        Word of advice . . . keep your friend list private.

        Once I had her name, it took another two seconds to find out her husband’s name. I knew where both of them lived and worked and had all their contact information. Creepy when you think about it, but imagine how much money I saved if I had to use a PI.

          • Hell yeah I did. Sent him an email through Facebook and he initially didn’t believe me. He thought my husband must have been cheating on me, but using Butter-face as a cover. Then we exchanged phone numbers the next day and I had to spell it out for him, slowly. He was in crazy denial.

            The next day my X texted me in a rage saying I had “went too far” in exposing his affair. Yeah, I went too far . . . sure.

              • Yes, I bet it hurt her husband terribly, but he is better off knowing than thinking his wife is faithful.

                And the cheater X? Well, it just shows that they really can’t stand the sunlight when they’re exposed. Guess they weren’t as smart as they thought!

            • Rumblekitty,
              My current BF had a cheating wife. She was banging the local tennis coach in their marital bed while BF was at work. Tennis coach’s wife had hired a PI, and when she got proof, she phoned BF and filled him in on the details. He was initially shocked and confronted the wife about it. Her response “he raped me”.

              This was in 1999, so basically pre tech days.

              So, BF went over to the tennis wife’s house and demanded to see the evidence. She had photos of cheater wife giving the tennis coach BJ’s in a parking lot…on several occasions, kissing him in their own driveway, etc. Hardly a rape situation. As soon as coach was found out, he dumped cheater wife like a rock, but ended up divorced anyway. 15 years later, he still has a rep as a philanderer, and eh, he even tried to hit on me recently, not realising who I was! What I replied to him is not printable but his reaction was pretty shite-faced. I did call him an ugly wrinkly old cuss among other less printable things.

  • Great information as always CL.

    I tell you these disordered cheaters and their APs are a gold mind for information when it comes to social media. They are clearly not the brightest things on the de evolution trail. In fact, I do think that their disordered minds (both the cheater and the APs) get worse over time. I can see that with the ex and his owhorewife. Well he is a whore also. Just plain old nasty-both of them.

    When the first D-day happen there was no social media but there was mobile phones and the phone detailed records from that and emails. Also I had a great mobile phone company back then and they were amazing helping me get all of the information I could on the ex. I recall the woman with the mobile phone company telling me it was a daily thing helping the chumps like me out. She was very nice and very supportive. I can recall her even making me laugh at times.

    Then the ex was so stupid to not clear his history on the computer. I found so many things out and what I couldn’t find I had a great computer friend that helped me out. It was a shocking trail of sickness.

    Well I guess that is what the owife wants a sicko and that is what she got.

  • I found one of his affairs thanks to her twitter; she tweeted about the whole thing from start to finish. He was her only follower (facepalm).

      • I found out the red headed whore on FB. He friended her. Red flag went up. 30 mins of online research later and he was busted.

  • Am I the only crazy democrat liberal commie (I live in a Deep South Red State) that thinks it’s utterly retarded that an NSA server has every email we send thanks to the PATRIOT Act, but we chumps can’t get the content of text messages from our wireless carriers?!…

    I’m just saying…

  • Viadeo is offering special functions for free in August, to lure users to pay a subscription. This is how I learnt that both OW#1 (the Moscow resident my cheater had planned to marry behind my back) and her new Twu Luv (old man owning a house with a view on the Med sea) had visited my profile. I wonder why these two are still stalking me.

  • Technology is what helped me uncover the affair between my STBXH and ho-worker. This are the tools I used:

    Keylogger: I put a keylogger on his laptop and was able to see what he was doing online all the time, that’s how I found out about his porn addiction. I’d watch him log onto live webcams and communicate with woman, then he’d watch tons of x-rated video’s. I got his passwords (keystrokes) to his email accounts, banking accounts and other websites he belonged to which gave me a ton of information.

    Email: When I got the passwords to his email accounts I was able to read all the exchanges between him and OW and found some incriminating evidence. I also found all the flight and hotel bookings he made for OW and himself. That’s when I discovered that the two of them spent “our” anniversary together in 2012 out of town for 3 days at a hotel.

    Spyware on his cellphone: Installed that one evening at 3 AM while he was home sleeping. That’s how I was able to read all his text messages, see pictures and locations/dates on them. There were a lot of texts to people running me into the ground btw. He would do that to me while send me love bomb texts at the very same time.

    Account numbers: Got the Visa, phone company and banking account number and set up online viewing of all the accounts. This is how I saw all the calls to the OW for years (archives) on his cell bill, times and dates. Cross referenced with my own cell texts and pictures on cell to figure out information of what was happening in our lives at those times. He would call her lots when we at home btw. Saw how much booze he was buying on his Visa and bank accounts, 600.00 per month!!!! Saw through banking how he was stealing (money) from me through transactions/withdrawals after D-day.

    Technology was the biggest of help to find out what STBXH was up to, without it I wouldn’t know much because we had a long distance marriage for 7 years, he worked up north for half a year every year, had his own place there. It exposed his double life he had!

    • How did this evidence work in your favor in court?

      I ask because the incriminating evidence I had from Facebook, email exchanges and texts (my son saw) did nothing to help me. His behavior meant nothing to the court.

      • I does nothing in court where I live in Canada because we have no fault divorce. What it did was help me find truth that led me to get a lawyer and take him to court to divorce his ass!!!!

        • Kate,
          Not sure if it’s legal to keylog someone else’s computer, but I keylogged my own and installed a guest account, which I generously let any prospective boyfriends use while visiting, if they wish. It actually makes for efficient dating, since most cheaters will show their true colours early on. I had one date actually surfing POF while I was in the kitchen cooking his dinner.
          He was sending messages to women, asking to meet them.

          Of course there was always a time delay in my seeing the evidence, so each time this scenario popped up, the guy would get the NC treatment…and when they inquire as to why? Answer =. Sorry, your… Junk too small, bad breath, found someone better…LOL. Life is too short to get aggravated by these oxygen wasters.

          Oh, and similarly, if someone else lets me log into their PC, I ALWAYS assume it could be keylogged so I never use them to log into passworded accounts of my own.

          • What a great idea, Marci. I never checked on the ex till after the cheating was exposed, and he knows it. I find it funny that I was accused of being jealous, insecure, snoopy, etc cause I WAS NOT. Now, unfortunately, I will snoop, cause I’m not going though this shit again. It is merely self preservation.

          • Marci, that is his own personal laptop, it’s matrimonial property and I used it at times in front of him and he used mine, so I’m not worried about keylogging it for that reason.

          • This is similar to what I did too. I installed a keylogger on my machine, and then I just left my laptop wide open. I knew he’d use it if it was available rather than dig out his own from his work bag.

            Of course, I get the password to his email account. Dumb ass.

            And like you, I never login to anything of mine on someone else’s machine, and that includes work. I’m always assuming someone is going to be able to get my login creds and wipe out my bank account.

          • Another trick which I assume is perfectly legal is to enable logging on your router. Most routers have a web browser interface you can log into and enable logging and view the logs. Often the ipaddresses visited are logged. Once you have the ipaddresses:

            – go to ip-lookup.net web site and look up the ipaddresses
            – if you see a flurry of activity to apple owned ipaddresses, it could be an icloud account
            – if you see a flurry of activity to yahoo, google, tumblr, etc then it could those providers

            Then, to increase the chances that it is a second email account, go ahead and create your own email account using a false name using the suspected provided

            Then, log into your new email account, compose and email, send an email, received an email, delete an email.

            Then view the router logs and see if a similar set of ipaddreses were used. That way, you know the email services of that provider are being accessed. You might not see exact ipaddress matches, since these large companies have a lot of ipaddresses, but the patterns should be close.

            So, with this technique, you won’t see the content of the emails/chats, but it does provide evidence to support the existence of secret accounts.

        • I am having a heck of a time posting replies today. They are going in the wrong place and suddenly disappearing. CL must have some secret software installed to weed out post from weirdos like me 😉 Kate50, I meant to tell you, when you posted the listing for your lake house, that one of former client/projects was SaskPower. I’m from Toronto, though, and now live sort of south of you.

          • Thanks FMT and ChumpElf, you know all I ever wanted to do was find out the truth so I could make a proper decision for my life, I found enough to do that and I got really angry about it because I realized I was married to a player. The fun and games are over now, my entire focus is on ridding him from my life now, that is it! He is a user and an abuser towards me, that has all stopped because I’m NOT allowing him to get anywhere near me anymore and it’s a huge relief!!!!!

  • Indeed, they are uber stupid! FaceBook, Twitter and my Ex being too stupid to erase his computer history gave me every last thing I needed to prove his cheating! We also were separated for about a year and so I had access to all of his financials! He made it incredibly easy to not only track his every move, but to see every dime he spent on Schmoopie! Like shooting fish in a barrel!

  • I have a twitter account that I use for work purposes. I make sure every single thing I post cannot be taken the wrong way because I know employers will look at that. Religious or political opinion? Could this hurt me or be misinterpreted. How do some people post things online that they plan to lie about on the stand? How dumb are these people.

    Mine just posted stupid platitudes, the things people say when they want to sound deep but lack original ideas. “You laugh because I’m different, but I laugh because you’re all the same” or “Don’t forget to fall in love with yourself first.” Typing this I just realized how self-centered most of these are.

  • My cheater and his Schmoopie actually created a FaceBook page under nicknames that took me about 45 minutes to figure out! These idiots are NOT original! Then they used their LinkedIn accounts to communicate! It was and is comical actually! And yes, I used everything I had found on these electronics in my divorce! As far as I’m concerned they make it public knowledge if they put it in writing on a computer. My Ex had used his employers computer network extensively and was absolutely shocked to find out that ALL and ANY emails were archived for up to two years! Did I threaten to use them and ring the bell on him and Schmoopie? You bet I did!! On top of everything else, my Ex had a propensity to use one password for everything and I knew it! Talk about incredibly stupid!

    • My niece is stalking STBX and OW. She unfriended him as soon as she heard of the affair. When STBX decided to deactivate his FB account, Schmoopie got mad at him, so he reactivated it and blocked me. However, he forgot to block all my relatives he’d previously friended, but hadn’t noticed had unfriended him.

      My niece is a teenager, and when she talks about what STBX posts, she rolls her eyes in disgust as she says, “He’s trying to be deep. He posts stuff like ‘Today is yesterday’s tomorrow.'” She’s offered to kick his ass for me, by the way.

      I’ve thought about keylogging his computer, but to be honest, I know that he sucks. Then only reason I’d want to know more is to find out what dates I should give to a forensic accountant in order to recover marital assets spent on the affair.

      • When I was in middle school I wrote poetry that I was convinced was deep. Some of it was interesting, but for goodness’ sake I wouldn’t post any of that now. This person can’t even come up with their own “deep” postings.

  • The OW posted tons of info on all of her social media, which helped me put together the puzzle of how long my ex had been cheating. It was much longer than I thought! All those sickening posts helped get me good and angry enough to leave.

    As chumps (and co-parents with cheaters), I agree that we need to be careful what we post. I’m very careful.

    But it sucks all the fun out of social media. It is what it is, I suppose.

  • My cheater was not very good with technology so I handled all of that for him. Unfortunately, his laptop and cell phone were issued to him through his work so I couldn’t install anything on them. He had FB and Linkedin and was connected to a few of the his ho-workers but didn’t really use the accounts. His downfall was our joint phone account which I could track his location through and his texts which I made screen shots of and sent to myself while he was blissfully sleeping and likely dreaming about his next rendezvous. In case those screen shots wouldn’t hold up in court for some reason, I hired a PI to document one of his rendezvous. Fortunately for me, he didn’t deny anything when confronted so I never revealed the information I had gathered to him. It sickens me that he fooled me for so many years before I finally caught on especially since he’s really not that bright. I’m really surprised that the company he works for hasn’t detected the porno sites he visits on his laptop and phone. If he has been asked about it by them, he probably says he just clicked on something and all this stuff appeared – he plays dumb real well especially when he turns on the charm.

  • Doesn’t it vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction how much you legally have the right to view? Shared computer vs personal/work laptop etc

    I used to be in IT. I know how to do this stuff (and I have done it years ago, not to current Asshat). I just haven’t quite figured out how much is legal. I am trying to figure out several technological mysteries in our house. We live far enough away from the neighbours that wifi signals don’t really travel to other houses. Conversely, we don’t have devices accidentally searching for networks and ours is protected anyway. Every few days, I see the same weird tablet (which Verizon carries) showing up on my network list. I have yet to determine whose tablet this is. Yesterday, I found a package for a portable hard drive and cannot for the life of me remember if Asshat mentioned needing one for something but i can’t fathom for what as the HD on his laptop is huge. His computer gets a virus nearly every year and I know it is not from casual porn surfing. He can be a real bozo. I have had to reformat two of my laptops over the years and redo his a few times. And then there is the mystery of the missing iPhone. I don’t understand where it went. He was eligible for an upgrade and did not choose a 6, just a 5s. The old phone seems to have gone missing and i know he didn’t send it back. We don’t share a phone plan much less have the same carrier so I cannot just call them up and ask.

    I realize I shouldn’t bother but these are things that could potentially be leaking lots of money. He accidentally ordered too many cable boxes and i printed out an itemized bill and ordered him to go to the office to fix it. They were the ones who dealt with him getting cable. $60 means nothing to him but i see it as more he is taking from our child. He had called the cable company several times as well and i did not understand the whole mess which resulted in us having the cable boxes one week.

    I am sure the old iPhone is replete with trash from Florence. I don’t want it. I do want to know if he is still in contact with her. That will make a difference in my filing….

    • Oh Chumpy Elf… I just had a revelation! I’m a die-hard Mac user. Why? Because PC’s are so susceptible to bugs, spyware, viruses etc. I even have empirical evidence: My stbx only uses PC and his computers, over time, have been bug ridden, and requiring frequent cleaning, scanning and defragging. Stbx would get a new computer, and soon that one would be just as buggy as the one before it. I’ve always used Mac, and never, ever, had any problem. My 5 year old computer runs like a champ as long as I update the OS. I laughed when I read your post, because I always thought that PC’s in general were unstable and buggy. It never (ever) occurred to me that stbx’s internet exploits might be the culprit!

      Countless red flags were right there in front of me our entire marriage. I may not have learned much about technology or psychology, but one thing I know for sure now is that if things don’t add up… there’s almost always more to the story.

      • ItsAJourney, I think a lot of the viruses, etc, are actually related to the type if content they view. I say this because every time I’ve visited a sleazy site, weird shit starts happening. I downloaded a free scuzzy book off amazon, suddenly I get porn like texts for a few days. I visited a website that exposes cheaters, I started getting all these Virus Detected alerts. It never fails, if I venture to the dark side, strange computer stuff starts, every time.

      • What the heck? I posted and my reply disappeared. Trying again….

        ItsAJourney, the baddies are finally starting to catch up and are gumming up all manner of OSs these days. Since I started uber technical before moving into management, I am biased. Despite having a solid design (digital) base, I still favour PCs. I have had Macs as well and enjoyed them. Just my quirk.

        In your case, or rather his, it could have been pure carelessness. It doesn’t need to be anything all that nefarious and you can get the annoying stuff. The things you can delete from the registry and scrub with a regular anti-virus program. Asshat gets the big ones – the kind that demand CC info to unlock your files. He truly is a Dumb-Asshat.

  • My cheater used his new LinkedIn account (that I helped him set up to job hunt – face slap) to start up an EA with a out of state work colleague. He ended up having at least 9 email accounts (that I know of) including a newly created Facebook and Tango Account (and amazingly…not, at the same time OW got them as well). As far as swing actual texts, if they back up contacts to the cloud, all their texts also become part of the web account (at least on our carrier). When I discovered this, he was caught dead to rights texting me and OW at the same time (he had her listed as a man from work on his contacts list).

    • They think they are so damn original. In reconciliation, ex resumed his turd like behaviour. He had unlocked phone so I decided to look at it. A man I never heard of kept showing up, call after call, day after day. Same first letters if her name and her actual last name, I found out later. ( I didn’t know who she was). Then he changed the last name a couple days later. Same first few letters, but no longer her name. Red flag. Used white pages .com up pops the slut’s name, address, etc. Dumb bitches don’t realize you know all about THEM as well, lol.

      • I’m sure he is very sorry for that, he probably would have made better choices if you were honest with him about yourself. I know he just wanted to make you Happy because all he talked about was you, and all he knew was you, he definitely loved you!!! No matter what 🙂

    • I wonder if using a male name in their contacts (or female name, for female cheaters) is in the cheater handbook. Mine did this too and he’s not very creative or bright. One of his ho worker’s last name could easily be a man’s first name so he had her listed just by it. Another one, a HS slut, was listed under the name of a male HS friend. Others were shortened, like Chris for Christine, etc. When I saw questionable texts with these people, I blocked my number and called them. Most of the time, I went to voice mail where their greeting included their full name and was obviously a female voice. It was easy to search for them from there.

  • The OW had her friend send me a “friend request” on FB right after XH had me served with divorce papers. I didn’t know who OW was at that point. The “Friend” was someone I had met once at a restaurant while lunching with XH about 20 miles from where we lived. She is a coworker of XH and OW. When I met her, she asked lots of questions about my braced leg (I had torn my ACL) and was going to have reconstructive surgery a few days afterward. I think OW sent her to find out if I was really having knee surgery to confirm then Hs story about why he hadn’t left me for her. He seemed nervous when OW’s friend came into the restaurant – told me he didn’t like her. Anyway, I did accept her friendship initially, but then when I found out he was fucking a co-worker, I asked someone that works with them about the friend. Turns out, the friend was OW’s bestie. I quickly un-friended and blocked her.

    • Cindy,
      The OW in my case was partner’s co-worker too. She had several of her buddies try to FB friend me after I threw out cheater and told him to go shack up with her. My response? I told each one of the so called friends exactly what cheater had said about them in his sarcastic rants after work each day. Some pretty ripe stuff that I only could have known if he had told me. Those friends quickly faded into the woodwork. I carefully worded my replies so there was only a hint of what the issues were, but enough to make them run scared. Hilarious.

      The question I always remain with is, how did I get mixed up with such dorks in the first place?

      • Marci, what is it with cheaters. Mine did the same thing with the whore’s friends. Not co workers, but people the both knew. Talked about them like dogs. He talked about the whore like a dog, as well, lol.

        • Yeah, cheater took me along for drnks one evening after work, and OW was there. She was his “supervisor” and the obese beotch was a sight to behold. He had been slagging her off for weeks before that night (I did not know of their involvement at the time) and so I was not surprised at her appearance. She was scary ugly, fake tan, heavy makeup, huge arse and feet stuffed into stilettos. She was chain smoking, effing non stop, and displayed the worst resting bitchface ever! And wearing a micro mini whhich did her chubby legs no favours.

          Little did I know he was banging her. In the car later, I said something about “your descriptions of her were not inaccurate” and he suddenly got all defensive and said I was being negative! So glad I got those jibes in, in retrospect, because it helped me envision their enraptured time shacking up after I sent him over to live with her. She had a single bed, so he had to sleep on the sofa. lololol.

          When she texted me to,say how mean I was to have thrown him out, I told her exactly what he had said about her previously. Bet that was material for discussion!

  • I was fortunate in that my cheater used my laptop,at home, so I was able to legally install a keylogger on it and see his action. I had only done this because of my suspicions around an old girlfriend whom he claimed was stalking him. Turns out he had another AP on the go at work, so when I was tipped off about that affair, it took about two weeks to piece together the picture. Once I identified the AP, her social media accounts were full of evidence. The heartbreaker was finding a naked photo of AP (she was selling them as “art photos” on ebay)…and in the background was his briefcase, which I had bought for him, and which was unique. So, from that, I knew he had taken the photos.

    Other interesting tidbits…they robbed my house, and I wanted to send the cops around to find my stuff, but I did not know where she lived. I suspected the area, and incredibly but true, I was able to pinpoint the apartment building theough photos she had posted showing her windows, curtains, views outward etc. and I successfully ID’d the building. Oh, and she had a return postcode on ebay that turned out to be her actual address…showing publicly. I gave this info to the cops, they banged on the door, and bingo, there were the stolen goods.

    The stupid OW really was my ex’s undoing. She insisted on supplementing her call centre income by 1. Turning tricks booked via a website (yes he was kinky enough to enjoy that), 2. Selling her used underwear on another perv site (also using her real postcode), and 3. Putting up my stolen possessions on ebay, which really put the cops on my side. She also filed a bogus complaint against two local cops, which was the end of her chances for redemption.

    Once you’ve cornered the cheater, it is best to fight off the urge to monitor other people. It has taken me three years to start trusting again, but my red flag list is long. Technology is useful, privacy is essential, and social engineering should be a habit.

        • Well, they have since produced two spawn and she mommy blogs in a most distasteful manner. True British trailer trash…complete with photos of every meal they eat, all sorts of inappropriate detail about her kids, and reviews of all the free hotel stays they manage to get in return for recommendations. She spends her entire existence on that blog, is otherwise unemployed and collecting benefits, claims to have all sorts of illnesses which she writes about (correct that, plagiarises) and even managed to get interviewed on trash TV about the problems in their sex life.

          She has swung over now to being hyper religious, gone are the panty days as far as I know. However, nothing surprises me so one day the whoring will pop up again! He holds down a part time job at minimum wage. I have no idea how they survive, unkess he’s ripping off another unsuspecting person like me.

          • Wow, just wow. And I hate the food photos. Sure, if it’s something really neat or funny, I can handle someone taking a picture. But then why the need to text it to the far corners of the earth? I sure don’t care if my best friend had Eggs Benedict or cold fried chicken straight outta the bucket, ya know?

            • Totally. I take pictures of food if it’s the first time I’ve made the dish or someone I know made the dish and we’re proud to have pull of pad thai. If all you did was get a bagel from the coffee shop, why should I care?

              • My sister will ask for pictures if I tell her I’ve made an apple pie or something she wouldn’t make herself (tiny overseas kitchen). Asshat takes photos non-stop at the table. It got to the point my son would say, “No, no, no pictures!” bc we can’t eat without him saying STOP! so he can snap photos for wherever he posts this stuff.

            • Yes it was Jeremy Kyle. Apparently OW lost her sex drive after giving birth and Cheater was pissed off at her
              …they brought on a psychologist to help out.. The only reason I knew about the show was that she bragged all over her blog, facebook, and twitter that she was due to do the episode. I watched and it truly was cringeworthy. Just astonished that I ever hooked up with such a guy.

              I still wonder if it wasn’t all an act by desperate people getting publicity at any cost.

              • Ha! I knew it. Yes, it was for all publicity. That is how these disordered things work. Trash pure trash. I have watched it a few times myself and all every single person on that show are making things up. Full of nothing for disordered fools. I wonder how much they pay these people to make fools out of themselves?

              • Whoops, posted almost at the same time as Beth. I meant no need to wonder about whether they are desperate for publicity. I could barely tell my PCP why I was asking for cootie tests (this was when I went in for a second appointment) so I cannot fathom telling the whole world about my sex life :-O

                Okay, maybe for like a million dollars….

    • Hey Marci, sounds like my whore wife is that girl, would you mind communicating with me about it?

  • My husband maintained his affair via text in-between their ‘meet-ups’. He was quick with the ‘delete’ – not that I ever had the opportunity, or feeling that I needed to, to check his phone. Anyway… It wasn’t an iPhone or Android – is there a service like the Dr. Fone mentioned earlier in the comments, that would recover those deleted texts from a ‘dumb’ phone? Yes, nearly 2 years out from Dday and I still want that evidence to build my ‘trust that he sucks’ mantra.

    • Marci, that’s what everyone says: that knowing more will be worse and has no point. But, I guess maybe that’s what I want\need – to feel worse – so that I can convince myself that he does suck. I need to see the truth, not his version of it.

  • Loop,
    In my experience, affairs are like icebergs. If you have seen some evidence, for sure there is another 90% you have not seen. Sometimes better to believe that and focus on the future rather than insist on seeing all the rubbish. All it will do is make you feel worse.

    • Marci, this is excellent advice. Once you have enough proof, then leave a cheater, gain a life is preferable to obsessive excessive surveillance to know more of the story instead of trusting that you know enough.

      Guilty as charged. But quite illuminated into the truth of a narcissistic cheater.

    • My XH had an active phishing account and an ho-worker all the while, begging me to not file for divorce because he wanted to work it out.

    • I’m positive mine had accounts, too. Years ago, he had to admit to me he’d seen a description of a woman on-line soliciting hookups who sounded just like me, so he solicited someone himself. Riiiigggghhhttt. The woman he contacted looked up his IP address and threatened to tell his employer (as she knew people on the Board of Regents). He was scared of being exposed, and thus had to tell me first.

      My first thought is “he is one fucked up dude.” I don’t know why I didn’t ask why he was on such sites to begin with (though it was just after he had asked for a divorce then changed his mind, so I was still shell-shocked. Yet another time I wish I could go back in time and slap myself into reality.

  • The information we discover may not help in the divorce since many states don’t care about adultery. I looked at cell phone records and figured out that he was still cheating with her no matter what he promised. I also noted a red flag pattern because once he moved out to live with OW1, he would turn his phone off for the weekend when he was with OW2, but then would check voicemail Monday AM at a location he should never have been. They think they are SO smart but they only fool themselves. Thx for the Ashley Madison stats. No surprises!

    • In the day and age of paperless billing, I can’t get to Asshat’s cell phone records. Suppose I should have considered switching carriers to his a decade ago. Silly me not to have the foresight that I would one day need to spy. I am not someone who checks up. I have told asshat repeatedly I am not some jealous tween. We don’t do social media. He praised my anti-jealous nature. I reminded him we are adults and if I need to check up on him then it just proves he is a liar.

      I DO live in a fault state. I don’t need to prove the adultery, I don’t think, so I will avoid the phone records for pre D-Day like the plague. Ooh, she’s from Colorado, maybe she’ll get the plague when she goes for a visit.

      • Chumoy Elf, mine also was impressed with how I wasn’t “like other girls” in that I was laid back, non jealous, never harassed him about where he went, who his friends were, etc. In other words, I was an adult, and thought that he was too. Not an overgrown teenage wanna be road whore .

        • not Juliet, Asshat went on and on about this when he was trying to grovel after D-Day. Funny he never explained how he could reconcile then going and violating all that awesome trust. Part of the reason I am loathe to spy and gather evidence is bc I am not inherently like that. It occurred to me that many of his previous relationships were filled with drama -exactly what he led me to believe he wanted no part of. In addition to needing a bottomless bag of gold stars, I now know he needs an automatically refilling kibble dispenser. Cretin.

            • Thanks, Tempest 🙂 If I weren’t so fired up from being chumped, I’d be cracking on something else. If I ever manage to locate Asshat’s missing iPhone, I may subject it to the pink tee ball bat treatment rather than bother with what might be on there. I don’t want have to wash my eyes out with bleach should there be any icky photos of Asshat and Florence celebrating my birthday or Christmas *shudder*

  • As far as information gathering it can be useful to the chump to really “see” the monster behind the mask, figure out timelines that are accurate because your cheater is always going to tell you the “light” version and to find out who’s who as far as enabling this affair. Now my Ex was really stupid and fell for every threat I handed him! Most of it was just a bluff, but it worked. A small portion was used to corner him in deposition and let his attorney know that he was the offending party and was going to lose no matter what! I would err on the side of gathering legally whatever information you need to protect your interests, but once the divorce is final, don’t torture yourself over every little sext or childish utterance these two fucktards said! Box that crap up and when you are ready, dispose of it properly! In the end all you need is that Golden Ticket called a divorce decree! The rest is garbage, just like the cheater and the Schmoopie!

  • How weird this is today!

    One of my 9-year-olds just said the words I have been dreading this morning, “Hey! We can find dad on the internet!”

    Yeah, he and OW are all over every kind of social media imaginable and hers links the entire timeline of the affair for the kids to discover when they are so inclined.

    I just said, “yeah, I know he’s on there.”

    blech.

    • stuntchump, my 7 y.o. is just starting to explore his computer. Good thing one of my only ground rules is no social media so, in our case, my son will basically only see all Asshat’s professional achievements in cyberspace. At least that is what the landscape looks like for now…. I am curious how young kids handle discovering things for themselves. There is only so much you can shield them from. Sigh.

      • My 14 yo daughter has considered a career in the FBI. She loves the surveillance, and even used her Facebook account (I don’t have one) to look at grad-whore’s recent photos and who is friends with her. I know she has done other investigative work, but probably best for me not to know.

        • Asshat actually brags to anyone and everyone about my super sleuthing IT abilities. People surely don’t care, just as they don’t care about my cooking. The first (and really only bc I couldn’t bring myself to tell my about-to-pop pregnant friend real details) friend in town I told immediately hunted around on Facebook etc for Florence without my asking. Nothing.

          I bet your daughter knows a lot….

  • I have a quite interesting non-tech story. In anticipation of selling the matrimonial house, I tackled the attic and found–shock shock– a brand new box and briefcase amongst all the decade old dusty boxes. Upon further investigation, I had found all the love letters send from and some to the 40 yr younger schmoopie-trash. (written on notebook paper complete with little hearts!!! <3) Lovely and sickening. Read through them and sent him a message asking if he would like them after I make copy for each of his adult children and for the current lawyer he and schmoopie-trash work for. Lot's of fodder for sex harassment there and outright stealing from employer! While it did enrage me, it really became absolute insurance that "trust that they suck." I think this finding will be good for another 10 lb loss on the infidelity diet. Which BTW is making me look fabulous!
    Also, I am days away from the decree!

    • happily never after, what did he say when you asked him that? Lol. What an idiot.

      Congrats on the new look and your upcoming decree!

    • happily, all I can do is laugh….sorry, because it must have been difficult for you to read those letters. But I’m laughing at how incredibly stupid they are to have 1. put all that in writing 2. stored them in your house, and 3. left them there. And I’m laughing cause you get to use their twu lov letters (puke) against them! Love that you asked if they wanted them after you made copies for everyone! You go girl!

      • thanks BBC and CE! The Sad Sausage said nothing but I would have loved to see the color drain from his wrinkled up old sourpuss face! And the red faced blushing girl-child! There was also a full CD that had tons of pics on it of the teenie-bopper and her child. Maybe his child–who knows–cause the timing kind of fits. It was difficult to read but boy does he and his piece of trash SUCK!!!!!

  • My ex wrote all his account information down, including his new email account altfunforjoey (That says lots) with the passwords. I opened the email and there were a years worth of emails. I then went onto his laptop which he had password protected with my name (WTH?) and found more stuff. It wasn’t hard to look up the OW on FB and find out the photos my ex had of a naked chick doing all sorts of things with various people was his new OW. Really stupid.
    Our home computer always seemed to have a ‘virus’ as well. My ex was always so shocked when I would open up the computer and get hit with a million porn ass. He just had no clue how that crap got on the computer.

    • Asshat used to pretend he had no idea where the piddly viruses came from and all those pesky pop up ads. Then when he started bricking my laptops and getting heavy duty viruses, he fessed up. Occasionally, he will still say it just came from the car forum he likes to go read.

      I’m chuckling at the email address and at someone, who is not suffering memory problems, who would write down passwords in the same place as account names.

    • In regards to porn ads, definitely something to notice, but not a big read flag for me. I was looking up recipes from different countries for a multicultural dinner party. For a month afterward all I got were adds about how Brazilian/Chinese/Korean etc. women wanted to meet me, a straight female, now. It was a computer that only I used so no possibility of it targeting someone else. For the record, the add on this page is for dove body soap for me. Have I ever bought Dove?

      • Dove is nuthin’ compared to the vaginal gel ad someone had popping up last week 😉 There are threads in the forums (CL’s CL gets ads) and one in the off topic forum comparing some of the weird ads we are seeing.

  • I present the story of my life as a warning to fellow chumps: The petitioner in my divorce case (the cheater) has spied on me (the respondent and the chump) for many years. Without my knowledge, he has read my e-mail and electronic diary entries as well as my text messages. I never gave him my passwords, but I surmise that he got them by covertly watching me. As a trusting person and wife who had nothing to hide, it took me a very long time to realize that he was doing these things.He is trying to use text messages (often out of context) that I have written as evidence against me in court. The judge allowed these messages into evidence! I am not a perfect person (e.g., sometimes i let the kids go to bed later than ideal, I don’t dust my home as often as I think that I should), but I am innocent of wrong-doing and all the crimes my STBX has alleged I have committed.

    • RockStarWife–your STBX is one evil, manipulative son of a bitch. Can you document things he does as counter evidence? Are your children old enough to talk to court psychologists? I can’t imagine that your letting kids go to bed late or not dusting will hurt you in court (these judges have seen/heard a lot and pissy stuff one spouse levels against another are not going to be influential).

      What evidence do you have on him? If you’re right across the road from the jackass, would some pictures, etc. be useful regarding his bad parenting skills?

      • I agree with Tempest on all counts RockStarWife. If your pathological sub-human STBX is trying to slander you with information taken out of context, most judges will see right through that. Is it possible you can have your attorney and team get an order to have the computer and other devices you regularly used undergo a forensic examination? if you have access to the computer and devices, you can hire a professional computer forensics firm to have it done yourself – and their findings are 99% of the time admissible in court – depending on where you are. With their specialized software and expertise, you wouldn’t believe the data they can get from a computer. Even if it’s been deleted, there’s a good chance they can recover it. If they can get texts and other correspondence in it’s original form, a judge can see it was tampered with – which would not bode well for your STBX and his legal team.

        • Interesting idea, Boudica Reborn. As I hemorrhaging money, I will hold off on forensic exams of devices (for now). However, as my STBX is again accusing me of child abuse among other crimes, I will keep your idea in my arsenal for self-defense.

      • Thanks for your support, Tempest.

        My kids might be able to reasonably talk to court psychologists, but I’m not sure what good the interviews would do (at least legally). I don’t have evidence of his cocaine and prostitute use or his hitting our kids with a belt, which is unfortunate, as the kids and I would probably be helped by evidence that he was using money that STBX had agreed to contribute to our kids’ college savings account to fund his illegal activity. I had hoped to establish supervised visitation for the times the kids were with their father but could not find a way to do so. I did the next best thing–I fought for primary physical custody, which I was awarded. I plan to let the IRS go after STBX,for tax evasion, even though I may need to spend more time working on tax issues and will likely receive a much lower refund–the price one (chump) pays for being honest!

        I am trying to spend the majority of my resources (money, time, and energy) on creating a new happy, healthy life for the kids, me, and the deserving people, animals, and plants of the world. It seems as though I and others are best off if I view STBX as merely a speed bump in the road of life, or, as one of my friends pointed out, the lone splinter in the banister of life I am sliding down! As my STBX is extremely hostile and unlawful, he may be his own worst enemy.

  • Just be careful with the tech guys, law is evolving and if the system you are installing a key logger on is not yours it could be a problem, cracking your assholes passwords also may land you in court and/or jail. I advise you call a PI and get them to do the work. You could end up in legal hot water if your asshole is savvy. Also, if you are trying to prove infidelity because you are in a fault state, you need the PI, what you discover is usually considered tainted. And if you are not a forensic person, it probably is inadmissible in court.

  • One thing that really slayed me about the reconciliation sties were the women (mostly) who would brag that their spouse was No Contact with their whores because they gave them their phone and email passwords. Riiight. May I just say that any account they give you a password to is useless. Unless they are exceptionally stupid. It takes like five minutes to set up a new Identity online. I’m fairly certain the ex used a secret email because all the jokes he was sooo fond up just dried up. Experimenting, I found all kind of apps that hold texts till you want to read them by logging in with a secret code. They will delete, clear browser history, it’s truly amazing.

  • Having worked in the news business, we could regularly do a quick surface investigation of a possible suspect via social media. Some of the stuff the “persons of interest” would post was laughable for their lack of discretion. They should have just waltzed into the nearest Law Enforcement office and surrendered. Also, people who were angry with someone in our office (which was an everyday event), would go to that specific person’s Facebook page or other social media to dig for something to prompt a juicy letter-to-the-Editor, or a phone call to management. One of our reporters was called on the carpet because he posted, on his personal page, some snarky remarks regarding a very hot political issue affecting the local communities. Because of those lessons, I, and my fellow colleagues, learned to keep our social profiles squeaky clean and downright Mayberry wholesome. I still do even after my divorce – posting cute and inspiring memes and videos that would offend no one, and never making comments that could be taken out of context. Zero personal information/updates, and absolutely no photos that would even remotely be incriminating. Boring? Yes, I know. However, what I learned from CN and Sandra Brown’s books and podcasts, along with others, is that not only is pathology forever, but those disordered people have a tendency to want to show up in your life in the future if their kibble pipeline is running dry. Since they have no remorse or empathy, they find nothing wrong with trying to call you, write you or even showing up on your doorstep to see what you’ve been up to. I know that one of my ex’s targets, or potential targets, recently did a little on-line stalking of me via my LinkedIn profile, because she left her profile in the “look who’s visited you recently” bin. I don’t know her, her profession is not even remotely related to my profession, her location is near the area where he lives, and she looks like his “type”. Yes, the only place I have told my story is here – because I’m using a pseudonym, I haven’t used my ex’s real name, and I feel comfortable that this site is as secure as it can be.

  • Not Juliet, exactly what my Ex did. He would just set up another email that I knew nothing about. And the biggest thing I’ve realized in today’s discussion is the fact that mine was into porn for a long time because I remember very well now getting on the computer and I would be slammed with all kinds of really sleazy porn crap! He would tell me that I must have clicked on something and it was my fault! Now I know it was him looking at porn sites all night when he was supposedly working! Geez, I feel stupid!

    • With all the time spent on these extramarital hobbies, when do cheaters do ‘normal’ things (e.g., working, raising, kids, cleaning their home)? Guess the chumps, babysitters, and housekeepers do most of that ‘grunt work.’

  • I am right now as I type indexing the external hard drive that I had made from our “family” computer that my EX used to do his dirty work. It cost me $2000. I hope it will be worth it. Just having the family pics off of it was.

    • Sketchyokgirl, one of the many times Asshat bricked a computer, he prevented me from backing up the digital copies of the professional wedding photos. He rushed to his IT guy and plunked down $800 to get everything extracted off of there. I am thrilled to have photos of MightyCat but in hindsight, I could have done without all the wedding photos! I’m so glad you got your family photos back 🙂

  • Mine used his Kindle to contact OW. They used a game app. It was glued to his side.

    When he first got it, Chump me hand made a case for it for him. When I found out what was going on I through the case in the trash.

    • I had forgotten about that! He played this scabble game and “chatted” with someone supposedly from the other side of the country….yeah, right. I remember asking him shortly before DDay if he was playing since he was glued to the phone and he said yes. When I asked him what word he just played he couldn’t remember…..Yeah…..PalmSlap…oh and when I came out to the garage and he was “playing” and got mad at me for coming out while he was having “his time”. Wow….Just Wow….

      • I don’t have the most scintillating social life but I would feel like I sunk pretty low if i was having to hide out in the garage to sneak chats with someone. I guess that’s what these cheaters do. Washroom, basement, garage, all truly hopping spots 😉

        • Ha mine made excuses to go to the garbage dump all the time! He always asked me, anything to go to the dump and I’d help him find stuff. The calls on the phone bill matched the times to her number.

      • Yup, Scrabble with mine too! He was supposed to be sleeping (he worked graveyard) but was on that f’n Kindle all day. Then he grouched at me because he was tired.

        • Lol, Lina, I’m on my Kindle all day too. But I’m like watching cat videos, reading, looking at friends and family on Facebook, playing Candy Crush. They lead such pathetic, cheater loser lives…

          • Of course, during the day I’m doing the same thing on my droid, because I don’t have WiFi during the day for the Kindle.. I forgot to say also reading/commenting on Chump Lady!!

              • I use my iPad throughout the day to keep up with CL/CN 🙂

                Ever since Asshat has been practicing, he has been behind on paperwork. He wastes so much time surfing. He points out that I am a heavy internet user but I get in, get out and get on with it. He gets distracted, as with everything else in his life, and before he knows it, it’s two hours later, the middle of the night and he still has a huge stack of charts. And when he is upset, I get blamed for causing his backlog bc I stress him out ;O

                Lina, I am picturing you playing tug of war over a Kindle….

      • My cheater had a cell phone courtesy of chumpy me. I paid for his account for the entire time he owned a cell phone.. about 18 years I think. During this time he used this phone to email and text multiple OWs, some unknown numbers (none of which I knew of till after dday in 2013) all over the country (WTF?) including one that when I called it, the message said, “You have reached the confidential cell phone of Dr. [Blah Blah Blah]” who I looked up on linkedin and google and was a psychiatrist specializing in gender identity issues, in Washington DC, where we DON”T live and never did and had no family or friends. The psychiatrist used to be a monk, yes, Franciscan monk, here in our city, years ago when Cheater first moved here. Secrets, yes… but why? Numerous times Cheater accused me of “being glued” to my phone because I was innocently reading FB, instagram posts by my KIDS or reading nytimes.com or playing word games, especially during a long car ride. My bad.

        In fact, he started an argument with me about a two weeks before Dday, over my supposed “ignoring him while being glued to my phone” on a five hour drive home in which he insisted, as always, on doing all the driving. Later, after DDay, I matched up the verizon records of his affair. On this same trip, which was to help my daughter move, Cheater ran out during the time everyone was putting her boxes on the truck, to call OW and talk to her for 20 minutes. He was probably hiding in the bathroom. Then one second after the call ended, he texted OW. Then the minute we walked into our house after the 5 hour drive home, he texted OW again! Guess he needed to tell her he was home now, and away from my supposedly horrible kids and me. WTF? Just thinking about this again makes me so angry. My kids, my brothers, me, all trusting innocently and this fucking asshole calling his fucking mistress and likely complaining how horrible we were. WTF, if I and my family were so horrible, hey, nothing was stopping him from moving out, he should have left a looooong time ago, but no, he couldn’t do that – he would then have to support himself with a real, actual, JOB like normal people.

  • I know Lina, no offense taken. Besides, after the last three years of crap I’ve been through I don’t get my feelings hurt too easily. Ha! Ha! Ha!

    • Oh Lina, everything is fine! I didn’t misread your post at all. I knew you were talking about your cheater. Please don’t beat yourself up, we’re good!

  • Before BD my now XH nor I had ever been on social media, in fact XH said that he didn’t like those kinds of places. It was after BD that I started checking what sites he had been too and discovered that he had several email accounts he had setup even though I was only aware of the one joint email account we had used for years.

    My XH wasn’t savvy about computers, I knew quite alot from my work experience. I never checked behind him because I never suspected him to be forming EA’s yet what I found after BD was shocking. Fake FB accounts using alias names etc.

    Just before BD I started to notice he would stay up late on computer, he told me he was on car sites and politics sites which I do know he did visit, but when I would come into the room and try to peek he would quickly exit from a site. So I thought it’s just porn and he’s embarassed, men will be men you know.

    After BD I finally got so fedup with internet EA with the Thai bitch and all the secrets I told him I wanted to know her name and see her face. He was like no way you’ll try to trash talk and cause trouble, she deserves her privacy. I told him I deserved my damn privacy and she didn’t give a shit trying to steal a married man.

    SO I told him that I really needed this to get some closure, he gave in and pulled her FB page up, I was already behind him writing the 15 letter f’d name down and he turned around and said you lied to me your were just trying to trick me. Yep I lied to ass hole and I stuffed the paper into my bra, and said now you can’t hide your bitch from me anymore.

    I went on detective mode after that, I knew everything it about killed me, then the day came when I found out there had been many more before her and I realized that she was just the whore that took the bait. She wasn’t special at all, the others had figured him out and ran. I’m still sleuthing sometimes mostly because I’m waiting for the shit to hit the fan, and I want front row seat.

    I now know how to find so much completely public and legal that I think I want to volunteer to help other women that need to know the truth. I don’t have to be a PI to give someone the information they need to know the reality of what they are facing.

    • Well, I am hunting for a mysterious 80GB HD that I found the packaging for. My SpideyChump mind suspects it is for backing up porn and affair related garbage. Of course it could just be something harmless. Only he doesn’t need the extra HD space….

  • Qwerty 3.14, who does that? Seriously twisted bastards do that!! Run as far as you can away from this POS!

  • I guess I didn’t need much to respond to his cheating. I didn’t want to find any texts or details of the relationship. I always knew what he was up to with GPS on MY iPad he took everywhere and I followed him for a 1yr and a 1/2 – while we were trying to ‘work on our relationship with separation’, after 3rd DDay. I’d ‘see’ him sitting at OW house while he claimed to be at his trailer park 2 hrs south. Silly, but I asked him to check for dogs medicine in the m/h and, he ‘put the phone down’, ha! and went to look for it. Couldn’t find it 3 mins later. I just slapped my knee about that. He wasn’t even IN the m/h. They ARE fools. I didn’t know I was capable of playing such fun stupid weird games but I did NOT want to know details and still don’t.
    When he figured out I knew exactly what I knew from the GPS on the iPad, he accused of me of working for the HSD and was very paranoid and threw MY iPad away! Really, one of those guys that thinks the internet is watching him…and I just reinforced in his head after ‘watching’ his activities all that time and only revealing it after the divorce was final.

    It was MY Karma to him.
    I think he’s still afraid of me and my surveillance. Wait til I tell him to find the VAR under his motorhome seat….ha.
    Which, of course, isn’t there.

    Nothin wrong with this, right?
    I’m just not the woman I used to be.

    • SheChump,
      I definitely chucked here. Thanks. I also got, “You’re just not the woman you used to be.”… I cannot describe the change that has mysteriously come over me… but I call it, “the effects of betrayal”.
      xoxo
      Ex’s paranoia displayed itself in obsessive, controlling behaviors; however, our internet bill quadrupled when he suddenly had unlimited time to explore the xxx side of the internet. He was such a narcissist to think that I had the time, energy or resources to spy on him as much as he spied on me post divorce.

      • LittleLady….OMG that was my life too. “I changed” ummm ya I finally changed. I wasnt his effing push over wife anymore. What a piece of crap…he told our councelor it was me…I changed so much, I wasnt the same girl he married. Um I am a woman and growing up, paying the bills, raising a family is positive change. He said he hadnt changed. HE CHANGED alright into a cheating whoreman…thats real positive growth, right?

        One of our last arguemnets before he moved out was classic. He said ” you knew who you married, so quit bitching ” I reponded ” well no, I didn’t know I married a manwhore!!”

        And paranoid, OMG I know he has snooped on my laptop…I guess those are the nights when he has just got done chatting on singles sites. What a freaken ass!

        I am so pissed today. Pissed these cheaters have the nerve to flip their BS back on us chumps. It freakin baffles my mind, that the one person in the world that says they love you is the cruelest person! Freakin weird!

        Stay strong chumps:-) Thanks for letting me vent!!

  • Yes! They are so stupid. They think we do not know them. I figured out his FB pw too. INfidelity might help for custody and getting part of the 401k however you can get in trouble if you said that you hacked the account. I have the print out of his conversations. I will say: “He forgot to log out” to the lawyer. Bastards! You girls pump my day and avoid depression. xoxo there is an exit. for me it will take longer but I will do it.

  • I just checked the Trashley Madison hack index and, yep, my ex-BF Mr. Cheaterpant’s email is there. I want to throw up, or set him on fire, or both. Jesus, he had a WIFE, a girlfriend in another state, stupid unsuspecting me, AND a Trashly Madison account? No wonder he would never let me near his computer, not even to google anything even for a minute.

    • Hi Cerise what site did you use? I know my husband had a charge to his credit card…he said it was a mistake. Right!!

      • Freefall, it was Checkashleymadison.com which seems to have crashed the server now. Too many people looking for cheaters, I guess!

        • LOL – ya it kept giving me a message the server was unavailable. Not sure why I even wanted to check…whats done is done. Good luck to you and have a wonderful day:-) 🙂

    • Carise…the rest of my message got cut off. So sorry your exbrf was a jerk! We chumps have to stand up in our future relationships. Stay strong and always know you deserve better!!:-)

  • I know that this is sick, but the judge in my case (who had already been involved in a well publicized sex scandal) did not seem to care that ex was cheating. It was (apparently) titillating to him.
    However, he did care that once I posted on facebook my intention to vote for Barack Obama because three of my friends loved Obama. I don’t care about political preference. I like to think that this is a free country; but the other attorney painted me as a ‘welfare’ Mom. I will not say who I ended up voting for, but dagnamit, why can’t I post something as trivial as my political flavor of the week on facebook without losing custody of my children?
    Don’t answer that. (Now my facebook is anonymous, private and I have seven ‘friends’)

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