Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

UBT: “In Defense of Dating a Married Man”

bullshitSo here’s some MSN clickbait just begging to be Universal Bullshit Translator-ed this morning. A fluffy little piece of sociopathy by Shannon Boodram, sexologist, entitled “In Defense of Dating a Married Man.”

I often get emails from women involved with a married man or from men who are engaged in an affair that usually center around one question: “Am I a terrible person for doing this?”

Yes.

And while there are too many variables and not enough jewels in my own crown to effectively answer this, I can answer the underlying inquiry: No, you are not abnormal or evil.

There are not enough rivets in the UBT’s quarter panels to effectively answer the underlying query “Are people who cheat empathy-deficient, self-gratifying, narcissistic nimrods?” There are too many variables. (Cluster B? Sociopath? Or simply generic asshole?)

Translation: Here’s some word salad to say, “Have at it! You’re not evil! You’re a gem!”

Ninety per cent of questions that centre around sex and love are a version of “Am I normal?,” because generally speaking, people do not want what satisfies them and their morals to be in direct conflict.

So, my answer to this popular query is always the same: If it occurs in nature, then yes, it is natural. And since extra-marital affairs have been in existence for just as long as the institution of marriage, I think it is time we stopped looking at affairs as heinous crimes and instead as a natural occurrences.

If it occurs in nature, then yes, it is natural. We should decriminalize Natural Things and stop looking at them as heinous crimes.

Homicide? Hey! Cain slew Abel. Brotherly assassination has existed as long as there have been brothers.

Arsenic? You find it in the ground. Mother Nature made arsenic, not Monsanto! So, yum! Sprinkle some on your breakfast cereal today. It’s natural.

Did you read this paragraph and want to strangle me? Those urges are natural. Stop looking at strangling flaky columnists with concertina wire as some sort of heinous crime. Ninety percent of people read crap every day and want to strangle someone. It’s okay. You’re not evil.

Did I lose you yet? Let’s hope not.

Kinda. The UBT was just so dazzled by your intellect.

The beauty in seeing things as natural vs. deviant is it allows you to exercise understanding. The more we understand and can identify patterns, the better we can cope and even evade the trauma associated with them.

It’s not your partner fucking other people that’s traumatic, it’s your inability to identify patterns. Avoid polka dots. And plaid.

Marriage was invented to legitimize offspring so that parents could pass down any assets acquired over their lifetime to heirs. In the beginning, marriage was essentially a business transaction designed to increase the power, legacy, wealth and reputation of a family name.

Historically, extra-marital affairs were common, permissible and especially in the male’s case, not seen by the courts as substantial grounds for divorce.

Bring back patriarchy!

It is really only within the past couple of generations that love has conquered all and become the primary driving force for tying the knot. And even though we in North America have adopted the Disney model, it doesn’t negate the fact that only 5 per cent of all mammals are monogamous and whether or not humans belong to this minority is still widely debated.

Was Mickey faithful to Minnie? Only 5 percent of all mice are monogamous. If Mickey was a player is still widely debated.

Everyone in North America (Canadians — I’m talking to YOU) models their marriages on Disney. Talking forest creatures. Dwarves. Birds who dress you.

That’s all very fine and good but it doesn’t negate the fact that Bambi’s mother dies. Deal.

Men produce more testosterone and less oxytocin than women. Testosterone is responsible for sex drive and also compels the host to seek out dopamine, a chemical released by risk-taking and new experiences. Oxytocin is the bonding chemical that cements loyalty through intimacy.

Cheating women? Hey, I guess you’re all just too damn butch. Shave your chin hairs and drop some oxy. Maybe you’ll stop cheating.

Thus, many men will not successfully conform to the monogamy model whether they have shared their last name or not. Similarly, a married man is a living example of the qualities women naturally seek out: Some women simply appreciate their attraction while respecting the family unit, others compete to have those qualities for themselves.

Women compete to have men, who are not designed to be faithful. Because… oxytocin. Bitches will just bond with anything.

On the flipside, not all women who date married men are in competition with the wife. Some prefer the mistress-relationship-model, since it provides them with the fun side of companionship minus any of the traditional obligations of partnership.

Duping chumps is fun. Plus it’s companionship without the whole messy introductions-to-people-in your-life thing.

In short, there will continue to be married men who find themselves seeking new intimate experiences and there will continue to be women who are interested in engaging with married men.

By “intimate experiences” I mean no-strings-attached sex.

Now for the happy part: Once you understand that affairs are driven by natural tendencies, you can stop personalizing the act and begin managing the possibilities.

Did you have to paternity test your children? Don’t take it personally.

Were you assuming monogamy and caught a nasty STD? Consider the possibilities!

I strongly believe that keeping an open dialogue with your partner about their temptations, desires and natural drives is very important. Not only can you help your partner effectively manage these natural urges through counsel, but you can also create healthy alternatives in the event that the desire is too strong to curb.

Cheating is natural. Don’t take it personally. However, natural impulses to cheat (caused by testosterone) can be effectively managed with conversations (not neutering!)

Betrayal, not compromise, is the biggest offense in any relationship, but if you don’t create an environment of open communication, you leave your partner to their own devices and vices.

Yes, the person who is not inclined to cheat must communicate clearly, otherwise you leave your partner to their vices. The vice partner cannot possibly be expected to speak up. Remain vigilant chumps! If they fuck around it’s because you failed to manage their urges with conversations!

So, I suggest some new rules that crush the fantasy in order to get to the heart of our human reality:

Women who engage with married men: Don’t be anyone’s dirty secret. If you prefer to date those who are attached to keep your own involvement at arm’s length, then you should have no qualm with the wife being aware of your intentions. If you fall for someone who is taken and they feel the same, demand that they open up their relationship—otherwise, you won’t be a part of it. Do not enter into any situation hoping for change; rather, create the change and then enter. Encourage opacity and know that it is possible to create a healthy arrangement, as opposed to a devious, secretive relationship.

Because every chumped wife is just dying to get your opinion on her marriage. Hey, you’re an equal voting partner here! Don’t be someone’s dirty secret. If she won’t share, blow that marriage up so you can have Mr. Cheaterpants for yourself.

Men who seek affairs: If you are not cut out for the monogamous model, do not deceive anyone into believing you are. Of course, you’re allowed to change, but you must communicate this change with your partner. Desiring new experiences is understandable, while concealing this desire and act from your partner is not. You are an adult. You don’t have to hide your “dirty magazines” under the bed anymore. Come into your own and into the light where everyone can see you and most importantly, where you can stand to look at yourself.

Good advice. Except this ignores the fact that cheaters don’t cheat for sexual novelty (because testosterone), they cheat because they enjoy the deceit. Gaming the system to have an unfair advantage (cake) is what infidelity is about.

Sexual shame doesn’t make people cheat — entitlement does.

Women who are the victims of an affair: First step, realize that it’s not you, it’s not him, it’s nature. He is not evil, he may just lack discipline.

Whack him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. Take away his squeaky toys. Crate him. It’s not you, it’s nature.

You can work through this by working together, but you can’t if you refuse to acknowledge that what your partner needs is understanding… not an exorcism.

You can work through this by hiring a kick ass attorney and running a credit check. Your partner doesn’t need an exorcism, he needs a divorce summons.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • I keep thinking that an incendiary device would be better, but the concertina wire is more visceral and may be more natural. Let’s go with it.

    • So I really gotta ask, what is her definition of “natural”? or “normal”? Is natural something that all people do? Most people do? Most mammals do? What most people want to do? Is natural what people would do if religion did not exist? If laws did not exist? What cavemen did?

      Is normal what 51% of people do? 75%? Is it what 33 1/3% of apes do? If it ever happened in the Bible?

      Oh wait, natural and normal is what SHE and the sub-humans she chooses to surround herself do.

      That was easy.

  • “So, my answer to this popular query is always the same: If it occurs in nature, then yes, it is natural. And since extra-marital affairs have been in existence for just as long as the institution of marriage, I think it is time we stopped looking at affairs as heinous crimes and instead as a natural occurrences.”

    Oh, hell no! People have been killing one another since the dawn of time, and murder has never, to my knowledge, been considered a “natural occurence!”

    Self-justifying bullshit!

    • Yes, just look at all the other things that occur in nature: Theft. Rape. Infanticide. Cannibalism. Let’s stop thinking of these as heinous crimes and think of them as natural occurrences instead!

      • The “If it occurs in nature, then yes, it is natural.” is one of the most intellectually lazy arguments that always raised my blood pressure even before I went through the Chump experience.

        Consider one of nature’s most amazing creatures, the regal lion. We love lions! The male that takes over a pride often eats the cubs sired by the previous leader. Yum! That sure enough seems to take place in nature. I think step fathers should now consume their step children. Done.

        P.S. Fuck you Ms. Boodram.

    • The whole point of being human is that we have moved above these abominations. Is it immoral for a fox to kill a rabbit? No, because the fox is an animal. Is it immoral for a woman who loves a man married to another woman to destroy that marriage? Damn right it’s immoral, even if no one dies.

      All this Rousseau ‘noble savage’ stuff and devotion to nature is a crock of crap. We live in a civilized society because it’s better than the natural state. Progress.

      And that leads me to a delicious thought. Take all the cheaters, and dump them on a stone age island. They can live in a state of nature, foraging for their food, praying they don’t get any diseases, and dying young and intellectually unfulfilled.

      Now, my wife and I enjoy a hike through the Yosemite valley just fine, and I may even spend a couple nights in a tent. Knowing we can go home to our comfy bed and hot shower is a key part of how I appreciate nature.

    • What the hell. Natural? What a crock. Believe me if I did what asswipe did I would be dead. He can cheat no one else cause he’s a Man. Man white that is. That stupid woman’s writing is obviously because she’s a cheater. If I had gotten an std I’d have to send her a thank you note. You rock Tracy, that woman is a stoooopid bitch.

    • DM you are so right. People like her dont understand love. They are too shallow to know what love is. They think it is a game or a contest or a means of self gratification. They dont understand friendship either. They dont value relationships like normal people do. Sad isnt it?

    • I don’t think this author grasps much of anything. No one can cling to such foolishness once they’ve been violated. In a moment like that, right and wrong becomes painfully clear. But scary enough, the world is increasingly buying into this sort of mentality. There are so many logical fallacies and contradictions in that article it’s scary. Saying no one is responsible, that it’s all just chemicals and biology is scary. Saying there’s no distinction between good and evil is scary.

    • Yup DM!
      -Love is from God
      -Lust is from the world

      -Love can wait
      -Lust must have now

      -Love is selfless
      -Lust is selfish

      -Love is giving
      -Lust is taking

      -Love is not free, it costs Jesus his life on the cross, true love has a price tag

      -Love is purity
      -Lust is a sin

      -Love develops
      -Lust destroys

      -Love is peaceful
      -Lust is full of anxiety

      That’s the difference between Love and Lust.

      • Well, that’s a bit hard on lust. Frankly, I lust after my wife. I also love her, very much. The two together are amazing. But when I have to pick between love and lust, love wins.

        IMO, lust in a healthy monogamous relationship is the spice on the wholesome food of love.

        And of course, lust without love is dangerous, and can cause all kind of problems. Like eating a big pile of cinnamon. But don’t just condemn all lust as a bad thing. A hammer can build a house, or bash someone’s head open – it’s a tool, and the good or bad is how it is used, and is on the person holding the tool.

      • Lust – A loud overpowering voice insinuating you must do something quickly!
        Love – A knowing quiet resolve with no expediency, low key, no pressure.

  • I find it natural to walk into the shoe department and want every designer shoe I see …. Maybe if I just “communicate” this to the store’s security team and the police then they will understand how much I really want those shoes and forgive the fact that I don’t have the money? It’s worth a shot according to the dipshit that wrote this drivel. The UBT is probably going to need a drink after swallowing all that BullShit. ?

      • I would have been angry reading this a year ago. My reaction today was to laugh my ass off. Is this meh I see on the horizon? Yay me! This chick is CLUELESS.
        My psychopath ex doesn’t have a primary target right now, I think I should pass on this authors number to him. I’m sure she would be dazzled by him and he would have a ball fucking up her life. She’s a sitting duck for guys like him. This bitch may as well have a bullseye on her ass. He would eat her and her relationship style for breakfast lunch and dinner.
        Hilariously myopic lack of insight. Communicate with him and if you don’t agree on the new parameters go your seperate ways? LOLOLOL

    • What does the UBT drink? WD-40, beer chaser? Methinks the UBT will soon find itself in a church basement, announcing, “UBT, alcoholic,” with a chaser “and it’s all Esther Perel’s fault.”

    • It’s interesting how much therapists lean on having an “open and honest dialogue” or advise one “to sit down and talk” about whatever. Isn’t that finding on communication, the one about how words only make up 7% of the communication that one is taking in from you at any one time still going around?

      If so, you would think these people would suggest amping up the other forms of communication like behavior and choices. If my husband is fooling around me, then I would conclude that he has communicated with me enough.

  • Haha! I just googled the silly bitch and if you want a really good chuckle go to her Instagram. Here is a sneak peek. “shanboodyMy ears are no longer open to the lies of this world: relationships are hard work, love is pain, patience is a virtue, suffering before success. I want simple, effective, fulfilling, reciprocal and I want to love every step of the process. I want to grow without the pains because my understanding of the vision is greater than my feelings in the moment.
    Thank you for the love, all of it. Thank you for OUR relationship.”

    Now, can anyone decipher that? I think I’ll get a job as an author and sexologist. Seems there is zero requirement except “must be able to string together nonsensical sentences … Sort of”.

  • cough, cough, gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggg ,, ugh—splat. Whoa! didn’t make it to ladies room. Sorry folks. Wipe off your devices now. With disinfecting product. What a crock o shit.

  • Rolling eyes. I am beginning to feel like a minority. I feel like a unicorn! These articles are so misleading. And many will find validation in them. The overtone of our society is just utter selfishness. The cult of self. These people have damned their own souls and like the blind leading the blind they parade themselves as if their happiness at all cost mentality justifies the means. The portrait of Dorian Gray comes to mind. The justice of it all is often long in coming and sometimes it is not spectacular. We know that they do not think like us and harsh consequences for us chumps may be part of the disordered’s calculated risk assessment. They are adept at taking a loss and making it a win. I find thinking about these sickos to be very tiring and after having read how they think we give them far too much credit. If there is something in it for them then they are in. They don’t care if there is anything in it for you. As far as they are concerned that is your job. I hate how the destruction of family is trivialized. Sorry to venture into the skein but if you look in their backgrounds there is some family dysfunction. Instead of breaking the cycle they perpetuate it. Try telling a child that having mummy and daddy live together is only a social construct. For a child it is their world. There must be a special place for parents who shatter that world.

    • Yep, understanding the disordered and their thought processes is the key. Accepting that you can never get through to people like this is tough, but it is necessary.
      You can make all the valid points that CL and others here make about the absurdity of this writer’s “logic” , but it will never register with a Cluster B’
      As I have mentioned, ad nauseum, the light bulb moment for me was when my cheating XW said to me ” Of course I get more time off, away from the kids. I have more friends than you.”
      I suddenly realized what I was dealing with, a person whose fundamental world view and values were abnormal. I knew I could make no headway arguing with her, as she could not grasp concepts like reciprocity or fundamental fairness.
      This magna cum laude law school grad, my first XW, never argued about the accuracy of her stats (out approx. 65% of all nights until after midnight with two toddlers at home who would not lay eyes on her for 3-4 days at a time.) She simply could not grasp that this was wrong, as her sense of entitlement just overrode any logic or concept of fair play . She had zero empathy.
      Normal people just do not cheat like these folks do. And, there are a shitload od NPDs and sociopaths around.

    • “Try telling a child that having mummy and daddy live together is only a social construct. For a child it is their world. There must be a special place for parents who shatter that world.”

      And for people who help a parent shatter that world.

  • May i just say, What the fuck was that!?? The most retarded shit i think I’ve EVER read.

    Exorcism works for me, cause the cheater acted and sounded just like Satan, incarnate.

  • Oh, that final bit of advice! So now the chump and the WS (making it more gender equal) share this problem and WS is in desperate need of understanding?!?!? Talk about writing from a place of pure ignorance. Puh-lease! Live in the real world much? And this from someone who paints the normal expectations of people VOLUNTARILY entering into matrimony as being an unreal, Disney construct. Ugh, I feel ill.

  • Of course this is twaddle. But I DO kind of like her concluding advice: if you want to fuck a married person, refuse to be a secret and insist that the spouse know first. If you are a married person who wants to fuck some strange, let your faithful spouse know that’s your plan.

    Secrets, lies and gaslighting are unacceptable. At least she got THAT much right, accidentally.

    • Yes, that’s great advice, but the problem is that this “sexologist” arrives at it from a false premise, which is that it’s “natural,” ethically-neutral “urges” that cause people to cheat, not a fundamental sense of entitlement coupled with lacking empathy and getting off on deceit.

      Anyone who is even thinking about cheating on their partner (i.e. thinking about having sex outside of the relationship without their partner’s knowledge or consent, not just thinking about having sex with another person) most likely falls somewhere on the Cluster B spectrum and would no more take this advice than they would pass on the opportunity to cheat in the first place.

      • Preaching to the choir I know! I’m still just stunned by the disordered lack of logical consistency at the heart of her argument.

  • Lack of discipline?
    Whack him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. Take away his squeaky toys. Crate him. LMAO.
    And the one word answer YES. Doesn’t need any elaboration.
    Loved today’s piece today for the laughter. Sprayed tea again reading your “translations”
    Thank you Chump Lady for starting our day with smiles and laughter!

  • “I strongly believe that keeping an open dialogue with your partner about their temptations, desires and natural drives is very important. Not only can you help your partner effectively manage these natural urges through counsel, but you can also create healthy alternatives in the event that the desire is too strong to curb.”

    I offered my STBXH an open marriage. *cringe.* I attempted open dialogue. All in an effort to keep my family “intact” and living under one roof. He hated the idea. He wasn’t sharing me with anyone. Hmmm, but he shared himself with his One True Love a few months later. CL is right. It’s the thrill. The deceit of infidelity.Though this articles is bonkers is still gives some insight into how people think. Oh well. *shrugs*

  • Ugh. The burden in articles like this is placed on the unsuspecting spouse. We are supposed to be open, accepting, and forgiving of the totally natural inclinations of our partners to engage in more novel and exciting sex with others. It’s just nature. If we don’t forgive and accept their totally natural need, we’re just selfish and unenlightened. It’s our fault they cheated anyway, so why should we be getting all uppity about it? We should provide compassion and understanding instead.

    I’ve lived in the country and have witnessed first hand the brutality of nature. I believe the natural inclination of a betrayed spouse is to whack their cheating partner on the head with a large stone. There shouldn’t be any consequences. It’s just nature!

    • My brother sent me a you tube video of a woman whaling on a car with a golf club shortly after x exited. Little bro thought I would get a kick out of seeing a woman destroy her cheater’s ride. Phoned him up to say I got angry too late. In my chump stupor I never once thought about taking the golf clubs to his beloved Harley. He got it shipped out west by the time I found all the evidence of his cheating. I think I would have destroyed the damn thing if it had still been in the garage.

    • Lyn I agree with this completely. I’ve read so much since being chumped: 50% of people cheat, 70% of people want to; the Coolidge effect; evolutionary psychology etc. That at one point I started to think that being chumped was the best I could expect and that people are only faithful when an opportunity has not presented itself to be unfaithful. This stuff all made me want to take him back and even question myself. I started to wonder if I was narcissist and too proud and full of myself to accept something natural. It was so damaging for me to read.

      I have come to the conclusion that there is an evolutionary basis for cheating and that this instict does compete with the evolutionary need for attachment but, and this is the bottom line, it is a false conclusion to say that because we have an instinct we should be able to indulge them. Anyone who indulges their instinct at significant cost and damage to their loved ones has acted beyond selfishly. People know what marriage means, they should have the maturity to know it takes work. We are not all toddlers walking around throwing tantrums when we can’t own every toy we see. We learn to value others and if we haven’t learnt that lesson then we deserve to be kicked to the curb where we can do no more damage.

  • Can I nominate this bitch for the “Kick in the Throat” award? She wins, hands down. She’s an embarrassment to my gender.

  • I should give Shannon my STBX’s number then at least I’ll be aware of one dirty little secret as they both express their natural sexual urges together in some Motel 6. Hell, I’ll even leave the light on for them.

  • LOL – she very cleverly substituted natural for normal in her next breath. Words beginning with N all look the same, don’t they?

    I can’t even begin to UBT this… so many instances where I stopped and said, “Huh? Did someone interrupt her in the middle of writing? Like, a dozen times in a row?” Shards of this and tail ends of that. Straw men, false equivalencies, and disjointed thoughts. Not a full idea expressed anywhere, just like affairs.

  • “I strongly believe that keeping an open dialogue with your partner about their temptations, desires and natural drives is very important. Not only can you help your partner effectively manage these natural urges through counsel, but you can also create healthy alternatives in the event that the desire is too strong to curb.”

    Hmmm…. so let me get this straight. The 19 years of “open dialogue” I had with my husband, which included opening up our marriage so he could have sex with other women as long as I was present, wasn’t quite enough because I forgot to ask him to NOT secretly also fuck prostitutes behind my back?

    Ummmm….. fuck you, Shannon Boodram.

      • Hesatthecurb – hmmmmm yeah. I kinda thought “no, you can’t fuck other women” was pretty much agreed to when he heard the words “forsaking all others” and said “I do”. I’m the idiot that gave him an inch when I realize that’s what he wanted. Fucker took a mile. Little did he know that mile he was walking was taken on a half-mile pier.

  • UBT, Canadians, really? What did we do, but create hockey and be USA’s hat.
    Speaking of our national animal the beaver, how come this Boodram only acknowledges only married men date, married women date as well. Sometimes they date each other.
    It is also natural that if you lie to people that they get angry, go no contact, and do not want to be hurt further, or is that against nature to protect yourself? It is natural that the kids in these relationships get hurt, confused, angry and frustrated as well. But the cheaters shouldn’t have to experience this frustration because they only did what came naturally, it is OK to cheat. (Place 20 minutes of naturally occurring expletives here)

  • Oh Chump Lady you have a divine ability to turn the most crass shit into something hilariously funny. It’s a form of alchemy. Never once straying from the awful crux of the matter you are able to make the unpalatable dish of slugs and slime something to observe in bewilderment. It stops us all from spitting feathers the size of an ostrich’s. I’m still holding my sides with this comment….

    “It’s not your partner fucking other people that’s traumatic, it’s your inability to identify patterns. Avoid polka dots. And plaid.”

    Thank you

  • I can rewrite her article for her, in one line. Does anyone remember Eddie Murphy, on Saturday Night Live, as “Velvet Brown.”?.

    I Want to be a Ho! Lol.

  • Holy. Shit. What an unmitigated load of horse shit! I love how these fucked up “experts” speak about the players in the affairs (cheating husband/wife and man or lady whore) as if they are the only ones involved!! What about the faithful spouse? And the children? This bitch is all “Have at it! It’s natural! And if you are the affair partner, don’t feel any guilt”! Seriously?? I don’t know about old Shannon, but I’ve never been to a wedding for bears, or lions, or wombats. They don’t stand in front of their fuzzy friends and declare themselves off limits to others of their own accord.

    No one has a shotgun aimed at them while they say their vows. Find it too hard not to share your fabulousness with the town whore? Find you have the attention span of a five-year-old? Think the word commitment only applies to what you had to do to your crazy mother? Get. A. Fucking. Divorce.

    If I followed what’s natural, I would have jumped on the gorgeous guy in an elevator last week and started humping him. I (barely) restrained myself because I am a human being. I’ve seen deer mate in my backyard which is nature. It’s natural. But if I ever see Mr. And Mrs. Sterling from next door doing it in my yard, I’m calling the authorities. Because? That is fucked up.

    Animals have it right. They don’t tell their mate what they want to hear, don’t promise them the moon, they don’t pretend to be a good parent and partner. They just do their thing. (Except for swans. You mess with a swans man she will fuck you and him up.). If people want to behave that way, more power to them. Just don’t pretend you’re a swan when you’re really a rabbit.

    Natural, my ass . . .

    • Uneffingbelievable, fabulous comment. I think it’s natural for married people to occasionally feel sexually attracted to others as well.

      I went to the male strip club with my friend for her bachelorete party once. The combination of alcohol and very friendly, good looking sexy men is a heady mix, to say the least. But I loved my husband (at that time) and valued my family. I vowed not to go places or situations like that again. Is that natural? I don’t know, but it is ethical, which is much more important.

      • I wish I had known that it was natural for me to want to fuck the brains out of a gorgeous, brilliant young colleague of mine many years ago. I would have gone for it, sexual harassment policies and my husband and two small children be damned!

        Seriously, though, if I had known then that I was married to a cheater, I might have gone for it (turns out this young colleague had the hots for me as well and eventually transferred, so it would have been possible). And that’s the crux of why cheating is such a betrayal on so many levels, not the least of which is robbing the cheated-on of informed consent and agency.

        Let’s be honest, though. Chump that I am (and I mean that in the best way), I would never have blown up my marriage over a hot young thing. Probably not even if I’d known my husband was already cheating at the time. Sigh . . .

        • I hear you, Other Kat. About five years into my marriage I met this guy through work. Don’t know what it was about him (besides being gorgeous and manly and cool in that Frank Sinatra/Dean Martin sort of way) but I was drawn to him like bees to honey. He gave me actual goosebumps. But being the good wife I was, I never so much as flirted with him. He did his very best to change that, but I just couldn’t do that to my husband. Little did I know that I was married to Lucifer himself! I’m still kicking myself over that one.

              • My dad knew Sinatra, actually. Used him as a character witness in Frankie Carbo’s parole board hearing down in Marion, Illinois( Carbo ,most likely, killed Bugsy Siegel).
                My dad’s italian secretary would swoon when he would call.
                Danny Thomas and Henry Armstrong (THE HUMAN BUZZSAW-5 titles, I think.), also testified.

  • “Do not enter into any situation hoping for change; rather, create the change and then enter.”

    When I read that I immediately pictured the author driving around with a “Be the change you wish to see in the world” bumper sticker, attributed to Ghandi and all. Bless her heart.

  • Perhaps Shannon has not heard the following words out of her 7-year-old’s mouth when Daddy wasn’t available (again) for a goodnight story (Daddy was off collecting points for the fuck of the month club): “I feel like my heart is breaking, Mommy. I’ve been thinking a lot about what it would feel like to be dead.” If Shannon could see the devastation left behind by the deception and the betrayal, she might change her mind. If she doesn’t feel anything when she hears words like these, then, yep, I agree with the previous comment about being a sociopath.

    • Shannon as the theory of mind of a toenail. Expecting her to understand someone else’s pain isn’t even logically possible.

    • Truly heartbreaking, Blessing. I remember many of those instances. Because of those things, the Shannon Boodrams and Esther Perles of the world should keep their pie holes permanently shut. Want to give your little one a kiss on the forehead.

    • Yeah, these assholes do not care about kids. I have little doubt my son’s addiction stems from having a NPD mom more interested in boning strangers than being with her kids.

  • Yawn. The old “evolution and nature” model of cheating. Pretty much EVERYTHING humans do is contrary to nature, but these types always cherry-pick the behaviors that suit their agenda, while ignoring those that don’t.

  • I bet this dingbat would be just as open and understanding if she found her husband of many years/decades screwing around behind her back. NOT! So many people have no bloody clue to the devastation that is felt. Actually, I dare say no one knows what it feels like unless they go through this themselves.

    All the Disney references reminded me of this:
    Mickey Mouse stood before the judge waiting for the verdict on his divorce case.
    “Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce. Although you claim she is crazy, the court has found Minnie Mouse to be mentally competent,”
    proclaimed the judge.
    “But your Honor,” he said, “I didn’t say Minnie was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!”

    • >>> “But your Honor,” he said, “I didn’t say Minnie was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!”

      I never get tired on hearing that one! Now, excuse me as I get back up on my chair and resume my work.

  • Non-monogamy is “natural” in the canine world……

    In the canine world, males are called ‘dogs’ and females are called ‘bitches’….

    Y’all get where I am going here?????

    😉 😉

  • Oh CL – is it possible you have excelled yourself with this? Chortle! Chortle!

    ROFLMAO @ ‘It’s not your partner fucking other people that’s traumatic, it’s your inability to identify patterns. Avoid polka dots. And plaid’. (bwahahaha while I copy it in)! And then it just got even better after that!

    I love you … simple as! xxx

    Oh – and I really hope Ms Shannon Boodram has had the chance to read your superlative UBT there!

    Natural, indeed. There’s an awful lot of ‘natural’ human behaviour the world could sorely do without.

  • Golly, I just about shit myself after reading this biased rhetoric. I then had to get up and have someone give me a swift kick to my balls so I can wake up from this preposterous dream. Oh shit, it’s not a dream, there really is a Shannon Baadram sexologist in existence and why do my nuts hurt?

    This isn’t rocket science but I wonder if SB (I think we can all figure out what her initials stand for) and other rationalizing-seeking turds ever realize if you have to look for justification because your gut is telling you, “am I a terrible person for doing this”, then you have had your answer the entire time!

    • Surechumpeda lot, they don’t think they are terrible people. But, like in most instances, perception does not alter reality. It is what it is. End of story.

      • so true Anita, so true. Even if these cheating carp would ask that same question before the emotional/physical act, without doubt they would still find a way to justify it. So hard to accept that.

  • This is my first post here. I felt compelled to respond, as a Canadian. So, when my common-law spouse of 10 years and father of my 2 kids felt that natural urge, and passive-aggressively tried to get me to agree to an open marriage, I should have given my blessing? I mean, he sort of communicated the change to me when he signed me up for a “book club” studying “More Than Two”. I didn’t agree with it, so he went ahead and had a sneaky affair instead, but he communicated that change to me, so I guess it’s alright.

    I am amazed at Chump Lady’s power to decipher word salad. Apparently, sexologists and MSN writers don’t have to learn grammar or even logic.

    And I hate the argument that natural = good. I guess I’ll stop cooking my food!

  • Honestly sick of these kinda articles. They all sound the same. It’s *natural* *insert sciency rubbish backing up your stupidity*
    Like at this point can you think of something new? Bla bla bla.

  • “people do not want what satisfies them and their morals to be in direct conflict.”

    Morals are what fundamentally differentiates humans from all other species. These higher judgment calls are thought to be enabled by the evolution of our pre-frontral cortices. Accumulating evidence demonstrates that this incredibly complex bunch of highly layered neuronal structures (which have not been found in any other species) enables us to self-regulate in a way to promote moral/socially-acceptable behavior over animal/socially-unacceptable urges.

    Hence what is natural in other species (cue to bonobos) is un-natural to healthy humans (behaving in a socially-acceptable manner is natural to them).

    Note that the range and depth of deceptive behaviors are also much more complex in humans than in any other observed species. Hence if your partner lies to you and deceives you, that person chose to use their amazing cognitive and brain structures to fuck you over. They did not miss anything, they were absolutely aware of what they were doing and what would be the consequences (unless you married a sociopath, which is even worse news).

    In conclusion, a partner cheating is among the strongest and most evolved signal for chumps to GTFO and build a better life for their kids and themselves.

  • I’m so tired of these half-assed “monogamy is unnatural” arguments. People are so ignorant.

    Monogamy is not natural; it is a social compromise that evolved between the polygamous tendencies of men and the hypergamous tendencies of women. When societies try to buck it for something else (usually polygamy), bad things happen.

    This paper (which was submitted as a court brief against attempts to legalize polygamy in Canada) explains it in painstaking detail:

    http://www.vancouversun.com/pdf/affidavit.pdf

    • Thanks, Rarity. That court brief is awesome.

      In addition, let me say that the “5%” of mammals claimed to be monogamous should read “monogamous for life.” More mammal species are monogamous if you consider serial monogamy–they are with only one other partner at a time.

  • I’ve also read that it is natural for people to eat anything appealing in sight and refraining from exercising. It is also probably natural for some people to drink alcohol to inebriation and get into a car and drive around drunk. Guess what? Doing so can lead to hypertension, diabetes, heart attack, cirrhosis, car accidents, etc. There are severe, sometimes even fatal consequences, for those who decide to do what is ‘natural.’ Those attached or subjected (as in people who happen to cross the street in front of a drunk driver) to the person who decides to indulge are also affected in numerous ways. Likewise, there are consequences to adultery.

  • If adultery is ‘natural’, why do 99% of cheaters take marriage vows initially? Why bother if it ‘ain’t natural’ ?

  • The thing about bonobos is they’re all the same within their species. They merrily have sex with other bonobos and are one of the happiest apes you’ll ever see. They don’t check for wedding rings or ask permission to fuck around. Nothing wrong with it if you’re a bonobo. But that doesn’t mean all primates are bonobos. Hierarchical baboons might have something to say about bonobos’ frisky ways, and those lowland gorillas get a bit surly when someone steals their lady. Even in the ape world, there is some accountability.

    I think I married a bonobo.

    • As i sit here in my un-natural state (You know, typing on my laptop on my un-natural bed (not a bed of hay), in my un-natural clothes (no fig leaves for me, please. man-made synthetic threads)…i have some un-natural hair tossed in for good measure), i think i am beginning to see what ms boodram is referring too. we chumps are completely un-natural ( not even freaks of nature because those occur naturally though not often). No we chumps are just not organic. we are not authentic. we are not real. only the cheater bevy is natural. as they bask in their glorious natural nudity in their natural environment (mud anyone?) , as natural as…a sunset, we clothed, technology-using chumps are missing the boat….um no. cant be boat. boats aren’t natural. fuck. can the cheaters opt to leave us chumps all the un-natural money and the un-natural house and go get some fig leaves and live in nature where they can screw like bonobos? natural my natural ass. their arguments change to suit their purposes. that much is clear. the natural response to betrayal is rage and that can be verbal or physical. lucky for those natural cheaters, we chumps go against nature and often refrain from our most natural and base urges. i cannot tell you how many times i have watched my cheating stbx eat the dinner i prepared, hoping that he would die. and it baffled me how he would continue to eat the meals i prepared while treating me the way he did without fearing being poisoned.

      Son of a Gun…my theme song this week. Chump tells off her Narc lover.

  • What a complete pseud. Fake. Phony. Pretend-scientist. Did that PhD come with a free Fisher Price stethoscope?

    Day One of Science 101, any discipline, says ‘Correlation does NOT equal causation’. Please allow me a very unscientific ‘Uh-DUHHHH!’ for the article writer.

    Testosterone does not CAUSE cheating. Because if testosterone ’caused’ cheating, men would only cheat with other men, and women wouldn’t cheat at all.

    Nor is there even a supportable CORRELATION between testosterone and cheating. Because if testosterone were a correlating factor in the equation that equals cheating, no man over the age of 50 would cheat. Their skyrocketing levels of SHBG (sex hormone binding globulin) in the blood from age 40 onward attaches itself to the free testosterone and increasingly disables it to levels down to weak by age 55, negligible by age 65, and almost nil by age 80. If we could be shown that 20 year old men cheat on their partners at about 25x the frequency of 50 year old men, that could point to a correlation. And what about all the cheaters aged 65+?

    Cheating, like rape, is absolutely nothing to do with needy hormones seeking release. But it IS all about power over others, all about entitlement, all about getting away with it.

      • My Dad, bless his heart, was an incredibly loyal husband to my mother and equally loyal partner to the woman he pledged himself to in the years after my mother passed away. Apparently his testosterone levels remained high enough for him to continue enjoying sex well into his ’80s but not high enough for him to cheat during 50 years of marriage and 8 more with his partner (and no, I did not ask him about his sex life, his TMI filter declined with age).

    • Bahahahaha! Free Fisher Price stethoscope, priceless! You nailed 2 faves: hormones and useless professionals. My eye caught the SHBG first. SH and CL, all on the same page. It’s the little things…

    • This makes sense. None of my contemporaries seem much interested in sex anymore. Very freeing, but a little scary.

    • I loved the Fisher Price stethoscope comment, and agree re: correlation vs causation. I do feel compelled to say “no” to the plastic stethoscope, as I met him way back in grad school! Full of himself even then. 😉
      But my friends in the same grad program were top notch!

  • I for one could not even finish the UBT on this one. got as far as if it’s natural then it must not be deviant. well I guess the same could be said for pedophiles too. Hey that’s been going on just as long as affairs, prostitution etc

  • Yes, it seems cheaters are a different species. The odd thing is, supposedly dispassionate observers like Boodrom, don’t seem to notice that nearly all cheaters take vows at the beginning of their relationships. We know they’re liars, but Boodrom seemingly has’nt picked up on this rather obvious statistical fact.

  • This told me all I needed to know about this writer:

    “Encourage opacity and know that it is possible to create a healthy arrangement, as opposed to a devious, secretive relationship.”

    This is beyond word salad. I believe she meant the exact opposite of “opacity,” i.e., transparency. It boggles my mind that an illiterate ignoramus who writes with the maturity of a preteen can actually get published–even online.

  • Here is what she says when innocent children are involved and perhaps find out “I believe in not sheltering children from the realities of life. In a way they can understand, they should be included in the resolution phase. Scars happen when you have trauma without any resolution. I think you are right it is a family problem but children need to understand that families are going to have problems and they should NEVER personalize it.” How do you tell or convince a child or teen to not personalize it? Because guess what? it is fucking personal. she is a young, self absorbed, stupid idiot that needs to go back to school.

  • I wonder what she would write if her partner lied, manipulated, and gaslighted her for years eroding her self esteem while cheating every chance he could with random women…..

    • ByeByeCheater – This Baadham gal seems as when the glitter wears off she will be jumping from partner to partner. I don’t think she will ever be close to a partner enough to feel what we all have felt. That’s fine with me and not my business but stay away from married men!!!!!!!!

  • If we’re using that which occurs in nature as our moral standard, then I vote for the Mantis Model, in which the female praying mantis eats the head of the living male after mating. I kinda wish I would have had a conversation about my natural cannibalistic desires to eat my ex-husband after we rolled in the sack, because then we could have put it on the table and I could have chowed down with a clean conscience. Murder and cannibism aren’t *evil*, you see, they are merely natural.

  • There it is again… an amateur evolutionary biology invoking the word “oxytocin” as an excuse. Idiots like her give science such a bad name.

    I had a really long debunk with actual sources typed out, but I’m too fuming pissed to muster the energy, so I’ll just say this:

    Rape, murder and thievery are all common behaviors in the animal world. Just because something is “natural” doesn’t make it right.

  • Ummmm how do you defend dating a married man? By definition, aren’t you supposed to stop dating once you’re married? I have a better title Esther Perel’s twin:”In defense of fucking a married man”.

    I know it’s not chuck full of euphemisms or word salad but it gets the point across. Let’s call it what it is, shall we?

    I’m going to go try to understand some polka dots and plaid now!

  • I love love love CL’s UBT to the point where I am internalizing UBT code. I am also learning to not read CL or the comments while drinking coffee!

  • What a terribly written article. Is it about good sex, justifying dating a married man, debunking monogamy or suggesting open marriage as a solution???? WTF. It doesn’t even sound like she has any life experience. She is a professional and an author? Seriously, shame on her.

    Good sex is more than hormones and opportunity. For a lot of people, good sex happens when there is trust, communication, emotional connection and some sort of commitment.

    I call bullsh** on the premise that sex is the best/hottest when there is cheating involved.

  • I just did a quick google search and found out this author is young and does not have the expertise to truly understand the impact of infidelity.

    CL – perhaps you can send her your book(s) so she can be better educated.

  • OMG! I just snorted my coffee!!!

    “Whack him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. Take away his squeaky toys. Crate him. It’s not you, it’s nature”.

    Who knew?! I guess I handled stbx the wrong way when I busted him for cheating……….LOL!
    Is it bad that I would still want to whack him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper numerous times? Guess I’m not totally at meh yet……

    To coin another brilliant chump’s phrase…..thank god he is no longer my circus (or monkey)
    YAY!!!!!!!

  • Defense of dating a married man? THERE IS NO DEFENSE.

    This bitch spews the whole ‘If you communicate, cheating won’t happen’ garbage – yet we all know that is complete and utter bullshit, given that cheaters thrive off deceit and certainly weren’t being honest. That’s what the entire definition of the word ‘cheating’ means, you fucking ignoramus.

    So, this woman is a ‘sexologist’ right? Isn’t that just a title you can add to your name without any training? Kinda like a nutritionist vs. a dietician (the latter actually requires training, the former is just a title you can slap on). I’ve noticed a lot of these NPDs try to dress themselves up with titles in an attempt to add legitimacy – but they still look like jackarses.

    Well, if she’s saying these urges are ‘natural’ – so is my ‘natural’ urge to punch a cheater in the face. But nope – that would be considered ‘psycho bitter’ wouldn’t it?

  • Too many words. My head hurts.

    Really, all it takes is a bit of an infograph, or maybe a flow chart. Here’s a start:

    Question: Am I a terrible person for dating someone other than my spouse?

    Question 1: Did I tell my spouse that I plan to date someone else?

    If Yes–See Question 2.
    If No–I am a terrible person. I prefer sneaking around to honesty.

    Question 2: Did I tell my spouse that I plan to date someone else before I actually started dating that person?

    If Yes–See Question 3.
    If No–I am a terrible person. I prefer sneaking around to honesty.

    Question 3: When I told my spouse that I planned to date someone, did my spouse give me permission to do so?

    If Yes–See Question 4.
    If No–I am a terrible person. I went ahead and dated someone in spite of my spouse’s wishes.

    Etc.

    You see how this goes. Basically, it boils down to the whole issue of communication and respect. If you discover after the marriage that you’re not cut out for monogamy, then see if your spouse is okay with an open marriage. Talk about who will be the primary sexual partner, how to deal with STDs, what to do in case of pregnancy, etc. It’s not cheating if both of you are on board.

    If your spouse isn’t okay with an open marriage and you cheat anyway, or if you cheat because you want kibbles and you like the fact that your spouse is another kibble dispenser, then you’re making unilateral decisions about the nature of your marriage and the health of your spouse. Oh, and you also suck.

  • Patriarchy indeed: “Marriage was invented to legitimize offspring so that MEN could pass down any assets acquired over their lifetime to MALE heirs. In the beginning, marriage was essentially a business transaction designed to increase the power, legacy, wealth and reputation of a MANs family.” It was OK for MEN to cheat because women had no power. What rock did that fucker crawl out from under…

    • Indeedski, Dat. This article buggers beleif, never mind beggaring it!!!

      I noted the man who ‘shares’ his name….BS. Surname changes are IMPOSED, ask any divorcee.

      The author is also conveniently eliding over the issue that in most western cultures, women did not own their own property, it all became property of the husband upon marriage. That is not partnership, but slavery.

      As to cementing alliances, 99% of the world population are not Rothschilds. Tony Benn made a quip once that the British ruling classes (ie David Cameron and his conies) are the descendants of whoever was the most psychopathic during the feudal era.

      This is why I don’t read much other than Chump Lady online…..

      POOR UBT!!!

      XMeh

    • And plenty of people chose to ‘jump over the broomstick’ before the invention of lawyers and the ‘marriage contract’. Some people actually choose to marry for love … surprisingly enough! You know the ‘natural’ urge to ‘pair-bond’ isn’t a ‘natural urge’ for polyamory.

  • Just W. T. F?! For the love of all that is holy, my eyes are burning! I got sweaty reading this total mindfuckery of bullshit! Trigger alert! What a gawd awful moronic twit with zero character and no moral compass. This kind of shit makes me want to bang my head. Oh, and she’s gotta be one freakass of a lying cheater….that she was able to twist her words and her two brain cells together and come up with THAT? That can of horseshit defies ANY and all laws of “nature!”

    • Yeah. Just word salad bullshit, from someone who’s IQ doesn’t even exceed room temperature. And the people who lap up her drivel wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between opacity and transparency.

      I sometimes wonder if these people are deliberately belligerent just to get off on being an arsehole to others.

  • The only thing that surprises me is that the UBT didn’t get fried during the translation because my eyeballs rolled right out of their sockets and now I have to go find them. It’s a hassle first thing in the morning before work.

    How about a disclaimer next time, CL.

  • Why do I wait so long to read ChumpLady? LMFAO!

    Is the UBT single? I can out-dazzle Shannon…is it PhD? Does the Ph stand for Pron Hub? D for Doctofied? Does it come with an outfit? Because, I recently obtained a PH education, too! Sadly, no D, no requests for free to be you and me articles of insanity.

    I laughed so hard I tipped over “it’s your inability to identify patterns. Avoid polka dots. And plaid.” And Ireland. Your grandmother’s closet. What the bloody Hell is PH Shannon talking about? Is this what automatic writing looks like? Does she know she wrote this? Someone should tell her.

    Marriage means nothing, I guess. Just a crappy, outdated contract. But, business? Articles addressing corporate embezzlement – it’s only natural, we all want money, it’s no one’s fault really, let’s not play the blame game, it’s instinctual (driven by testosterone)? Where are those articles?

    One more thing: her music video, titled Natural Me, has a line “isn’t it beginning to sound like natural is this term that imparts our beliefs on how we think others should be living?” Oh, ok. Wait, what? I need a dictionary, can’t remember what natural means.

  • This bit of word salad caught my eye,
    “Testosterone is responsible for sex drive and also compels the host to seek out dopamine”.
    So, men are just hosts of their testosterone? Is that like a parasite or alien body snatchers? “I couldn’t stop myself from having sex with that woman. The host took over and all I could do was watch. It’s not meeeeeeeeee.”

  • My theory: This was written by a woman who likes to cheat with married men, but isn’t actually married yet herself.

    When she finally gets married, and has some actual CHILDREN, she will change her point of view quite dramatically.

    I love the way children simply don’t even feature on her cheating radar. They don’t exist. And maybe for Shannon, they don’t.

    Yet.

  • These are the type of articles that make CL necessary. When I was a “new to me” chump, I couldn’t wrap my head around these types of articles, I knew this was so wrong. The fact that these types of articles make the chump feel like shit and the cheater glorified made me so damn angry. The whole 180 crap made me cringe and curse. Some of my friends telling me “he’s just going through a phase”, “wait him out, others have stayed with their cheaters and eventually they get old and stop (hahaha stop)” he’s a good guy, he’s just confused”. Bullshit, he knew what he was doing, it’s not a phase, these fuckwits don’t stop and he sure as hell was not a good guy to me.

    I needed what CL and CN provided, a place to come out of the fog. A place where I could be righteously angry for the injustice, a place where I could curse up a storm and not be looked at like I was crazy. It made me mad to be treated like a second class citizen because I wasn’t “helping” the cheater not feel like a bad person, for not forgiving, yet again, another round of fucked up behavior. for wanting to do something that was going to help me. ME, I’m worthy, I’m a good person with a good heart, that bent over backwards and sideways to “make” my marriage work and all I got for it was to be shitted on. The most I could hope for was that he would finally “see” me. That he would finally be the “good guy” that he made me believe he was, but that never happened. He just got meaner and more entitled and I got the “you must be better, do better, take his “feelings” into consideration, while suppressing mine. Because dammit it’s natural for the fucks to do what they want, to get what they want out of life, no matter who gets hurt in the process. CL and CN say NO!!!!!!!!! and that is what I needed to hear, not this drivel, by some twat that has no empathy for me, for my pain, for my children’s pain.

    • Yes, support and understand the effing cheater articles do suck and people who tell us that well they suck too cause they don’t get it. Besides how could we understand the cheaters feelings when they are so closed up and stoic and they refuse to share. To me that means they have none just like mine and look at us with cold cold eyes. Bastards.

  • “Women who are the victims of an affair: First step, realize that it’s not you, it’s not him, it’s nature. He is not evil, he may just lack discipline. You can work through this by working together, but you can’t if you refuse to acknowledge that what your partner needs is understanding… not an exorcism”

    ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!! Wow! Shannon needs some serious help. That is one fucked up Bitch.

  • OOOOOHHHH! ITS NATURAL!!!! Well thank God! I can now find some cheater down at Whole Foods next to the almond milk! Did she say Organic? Cause I think if I am gonna get a natural cheater, organic is probably best! …. Get it Shannon? All in the interpretation. And lets be real …. Cheaters are just false advertisement. Natural sure…. Like a fucking twinkie.
    Mother fucker.

  • I am a glutton for punishment – I just visited Boodram’s website ShannonTeresa.com.

    On mature reflection, I have realised that Ms Boodram is actually the little girl who likes to get attention by lifting up her dress in public and showing people her pants.

    As the inevitable ageing process hits her, she is going to be a very unpleasant older woman.

    So I can let this one go, because she’s got a whole ton of trouble heading her way on the Karma Truck.

    • I looked at her web page, too, Lola Granola. She appears to be very successful. That said, who cares?? If you don’t have morals and ethics you really don’t have anything I want. I wish I could scrub her crappy article from my brain. And anything written by Ester Perel, as well. And all the RIC garbage I read for so long…..

    • “Ms Boodram is actually the little girl who likes to get attention by lifting up her dress in public and showing people her pants.”

      HA W HAW HHAAWWWWWW I c a a n’t cat ch my br e a th HA W HA HA WH A HAWWWWWWW

      • UBT: The writer is a young, attractive woman who gets hit on by married men. She gets an ego boost from it. She’s got her career going on so she’s not ready to get married or even have a full time relationship. She can’t allow herself to see the sources of her ego kibbles as disordered. Or herself as pathetic, hurtful or cruel. So she writes an op-Ed straining to rationalize what she’s doing as “natural” and “evolved.”

  • I haven’t read all the comments (this is my very long day). But it all comes down to this: people who want sexual variety shouldn’t promise fidelity and lead a marriage partner to believe the relationship is monogamous. This article is nearly unreadable.

    • It appears that Ms. Boordam was boinking her “professor” in sexology and things didn’t turn out to well with wifey. An exorcism apparently. Hope she got a ping back to CN & the UBT. She can go fuck herself!

      • When you read these, you wonder about the need for the justifications.. did she cheat in the past, is she cheating now, planning on cheating? The headline should read ‘red flag, this person is a cheater or will be soon’. Otherwise, why the need to justify being a liar and a sneak?

  • I just love when human behavior is compared to life in the “Animal Kingdom”… The thing that differentiates us from animals is that we have the capacity to use LOGICAL thinking. We are not ruled by instincts. That’s what stops me from seeking out random men whenever “Nature/Hormones/The Urge” is warming up my nether regions…… PUHLEEZE…. If you have little or no self-control over your sexual behavior, do us all a favor — don’t get married and find other single people to screw around with.

  • That seemed like a butt ton of words to say that cheating is wrong. She didn’t even address the fact that cheating is a unilateral decision and that any conversation about it comes after it’s been done. Fucking duh.

  • Chumplady, I have to ask once again: how about a post on All The Times We Chumps Could Have Cheated, But Didn’t? There are some great stories out there about this from readers, I’m sure, because I get these tantalising glimpses of them sometimes. So much for ‘nature’ and ‘being undisciplined’.

    I think instead that we are the Evolved, who operate at a thrilling and fashionably exclusive level of freedom known as ‘fidelity’ and ‘commitment’.

    We are so open to new experiences that we can keep them to ourselves in our head and not act on them.

    We are so Evolved, in fact, that we can place the needs of vulnerable people such as children above the primitive expressions of gonads. We exhibit athletic-level self-control, fully conscious living and high integrity.

  • Well, she doesn’t seem to like women much. Or understand them very well. Basically, she’s saying men have higher sex drives and hey! Boys will be boys. Fuck this dumb cow.

  • I have a friend who is now 50. In her youth she worked in a male environment and admits she had a number of affairs with married men. They targeted her and she was flattered and had a healthy female sex drive. (its not about testosterone!)
    Now as a mother of 4 children she was devastated to learn her own husband has been messing about and her marriage is threatened (they are still together and he binned the other woman).
    Nobody understands betrayal until you have suffered it. She is now appalled at her younger self. She really never thought about the families she was threatening and was young and selfish and ignorant.

    Just like this stupid woman.

  • It’s simple – If you want to let testosterone rule your life, then don’t marry. Marriage was NOT historically a business transaction outside the noble class. Even within that class, many kings and nobles married for love. As someone from CN wrote earlier this week, players marry – when they should remain players – because they like the social construct of marriage. They are embarrassed to be seen by family, friends and colleagues as players. Do you want to hire, befriend or invest with someone who lies, cheats and steals from their family? Spreading your wealth, time and kids amongst multiple partners at once destabilizes society. I doubt that the writer lives this way or is actually content if she does.

    • Cheaters are USERS! They USE their wife/husband for money, chores, child raising, building their financial future, making them look good in the community. etc. They USE their affair partner to make them feel special, give them validation, excitement, new ass, as we call it here “kibbles.”
      If anyone had a sane choice, wouldn’t it be all the good stuff the affair partner gets? Compliments, excitement, time for sensual enjoyment, nights out, gifts? Something to look forward to, attention, affection & intimacy? Chumps just get stuck with all the grunt work that makes Cheaters able to exit real life and live the fantasy. They may even get a hot meal on their way out the door!
      In the book Private Lies, Mr. Pittman describes lying as “trying to gain an unfair advantage” in a situation, and I thoroughly agree. Lying is the basis of evil. It is willful, intentional, and used as a way to get one over on someone else.
      As far as “natural” goes, crapping your pants is natural too, is it not?
      Somehow you learn to find a bathroom, don’t you?
      If you just squatted down and took a dump whenever the urge hit, the world would be a stinking mess. You learn as toddlers that not all urges are to be followed. We are humans, and supposed to be a step above the animal kingdom. This is nothing but an excuse, and a lame one at that. If it is just natural, why not be upfront and not get married, or be upfront and not get involved until you get out of the relationship you are in? As CL says, they are meeting their oh-so-important needs at everyone else’s expense.

  • Articles like this are the reason why Chump Lady and Chump Nation are so very important and necessary. We need to speak the truth about infidelity and stop this mind-boggling reframing job of ‘it’s not their fault, affairs are exciting and cool and exhilarating and life-affirming!’. No, affairs destroy lives and families, and yes it is completely 100% the choice, and therefore the FAULT, of the person who chooses to cheat. I refuse to accept any more excuses or ridiculous psychobabble to the contrary!

  • What IS a sexologist?

    I really like the idea of adding “logist” to the end of words to imply implicit and specific knowledge of something. I mean, I really like sex too. Can I thus call myself a sexologist? I like to lift weights and do that frequently, can I call myself a lift-loadologist as well? I spend a lot of time in my car driving all over the fricking place, does that make me a drive-logist?

    That’s all.

    Ps. What a great narrative written by Shannon! Fully explains the immature coping mechanisms of another idiot who must be validated via her genitals as all costs! Another example of self justification of losers fucking losers.

  • How to debunk her “article” in two easy steps:

    1. Cheater reads the article to betrayed spouses and hurt children, ends with “see, it was all just natural!”

    2. Cheater gets pummeled.

  • This should have been the world’s shortest article. “There is no defense. Ever. Period.” The end.

    Even just reading the title makes me sick to my stomach.

  • How does one become a ‘sexologist’, what’s the best school for that?

    In nature, animals just stop and take a dump wherever they like… So this giant turd she dropped on MSN is perfectly natural.

  • Anyone who knowingly dates a married person and contributes to their betrayal is an a-hole of the highest order.

  • >