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UBT: “I wish I could take it all back”

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manwhoreWhen a cheater apologizes, it can seem awfully churlish not to accept their “sorry.” After fucking around, at last they’re owning it! Chump hearts swell, a little waft of hopium hits the neurotransmitters, and you begin to wonder, “Maybe I was mistaken? Maybe I’m being a bit cold-hearted? Maybe there’s a chance for us?”

Oh, pretty, pretty words.

AKA sent this email from her cheater to be fed to the Universal Bullshit Translator.

Dear AKA,
I’m terribly sorry for what I’ve done to you. I have destroyed any trust you could have in me. My actions have been selfish and self-serving and I’ve hurt you in an irreparable way. I wish I would have made different choices and I would take it all back if I could. You’re justified in feeling the way you do and there’s probably no point in trying to explain or rationalize why I did what I’ve done or the lies that I’ve told you. As you mention, it would only be self-rationalization and self-preservation. Ultimately, I made selfish and reckless choices and you are paying the price for them. I wish I could take them all back, but that’s impossible. You are a sweet, sensitive, generous person that deserves much better than the way I’ve treated you. I have and do love you, though. We’ve shared many beautiful times and a lot of love, though its been terribly flawed on my part. I hope that we could share more beautiful times and enrich our love for each other. However, I will honor your wishes and move all my stuff out and leave you alone if that’s what you want and/or need. Regardless of what you decide in this regard, I am breaking it off with the other woman and will tell the rest of my family what happened between us. I hope that we might be able to heal the wounds I’ve caused you and that we could walk side by side together, truly, honestly and with empathy, as partners. I love you, CHEATER.

What do you think, Chump Lady? Did he cut and paste this from his Cheater Handbook?

Thanks, AKA

Dear AKA,

After much hand-wringing, subtly minimizes himself as “flawed”? Check.

Demonstrates his respect for your no contact with a misty-water-colored-memory-filled entreaty to take him back? Check.

Parrots buzzwords that have meaning to people with empathy synapses? (Words such as “empathy” and “honestly”?) Check.

Yeah, sounds pretty playbook to me. Let’s check with the UBT.

Dear AKA,

I’m terribly sorry for what I’ve done to you.

As a token of my apology, let me batter-ram your boundaries with unwanted contact.

I have destroyed any trust you could have in me. My actions have been selfish and self-serving and I’ve hurt you in an irreparable way.

I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t want to be in touch!

Please tell me that the hurt I inflicted on you is irreparable — meaning impossible to repair. Which means I’m super, super central and you’ll never get over me! Surely you don’t mean this no contact!

I wish I would have made different choices and I would take it all back if I could.

I didn’t mean to do those things I did over and over and over again, that you told me not to do, but I did anyway. I would take it all back if I could. And ignore you again! Because it gives me frissons of delight to know You’re Not the Boss of Me!

I wish I was different! (Okay, not really. I’m splendid. Have you noticed?)

You’re justified in feeling the way you do and there’s probably no point in trying to explain or rationalize why I did what I’ve done or the lies that I’ve told you.

You’re justified in your completely irrational desire to be done with me, but I know better. Okay you have your feelings. I could go to the trouble to make up some new bullshit, but why? It sucks to be me! You lie to a person a few thousand times and one day that shit doesn’t work any more.

King’s X! I’d take it all back if I could!

Let’s go back to the days when you trusted me, okay?

As you mention, it would only be self-rationalization and self-preservation. Ultimately, I made selfish and reckless choices and you are paying the price for them.

Well of course you should pay the price for them. You can’t possibly expect ME to accept the consequences. I think you should take me back right this minute and STOP this!

I wish I could take them all back, but that’s impossible.

But just saying it makes everything better!

Won’t you believe in the futility of me again?

You are a sweet, sensitive, generous person that deserves much better than the way I’ve treated you.

Damn you for acting like you deserve better and dumping me.

I have and do love you, though.

Which I’ve demonstrated by cheating on you and violating your boundaries.

We’ve shared many beautiful times and a lot of love, though its been terribly flawed on my part.

Consider my whoring around, destroying our family, and leaving you with trust issues a blemish. Hey, it’s just a festering pustule on an otherwise lovely life! Can’t you see past my weeping abscesses?

I hope that we could share more beautiful times and enrich our love for each other.

Enrich me again. Do you know how much lawyers cost?!

However, I will honor your wishes and move all my stuff out and leave you alone if that’s what you want and/or need.

I know you actually told me to leave you alone and get my stuff out, but I’m going to honor your wishes by completely ignoring your wishes.

Regardless of what you decide in this regard, I am breaking it off with the other woman and will tell the rest of my family what happened between us.

I will tell them that you couldn’t forgive me, because you’re irrational and bitter like that. And next month I’ll introduce them to my new girlfriend, Carol!

I’ve told Carol that I’m breaking up with you and will be introducing her to the rest of my family soon.

I hope that we might be able to heal the wounds I’ve caused you and that we could walk side by side together, truly, honestly and with empathy, as partners.

If I was truthful, honest, and had empathy, I wouldn’t cheat on you. But I need a partner chump.

I love you, CHEATER.

I love me! You love me! Kibbles!

AKA, Chump Lady again here. (The UBT has exited to go have long, hot shower and scrub the bullshit off its transponders.)

Words are meaningless. When you’ve disrespected someone this grievously, there are only actions. He can demonstrate his sorry by how humbly he accepts consequences, how fairly he treats you in the divorce process, and how well he co-parents with you (if you have any children). First and foremost, however, he should appreciate the gravity of his actions by respecting your need for no contact. You are exercising self-care and removing yourself from his manipulations. You don’t need to break no contact to EXPLAIN no contact. IMO, he’s just ramping up his manipulation to get a foot in the door, and keep you from imposing unpleasant consequences.

Let the natural consequences of his regrettable actions happen — then report back on his “sorry.”

 

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I get the UBT however, he did say he was going to tell his family the truth which is not normal for cheaters. They always try and preserve their self-image at all cost. Not saying she should get back with him but perhaps their is hope in his future with someone else if he actually does come out clean and tells everyone what he did.

    • Define truth. That’s the problem, there are those who define truth differently. Bill Clinton saying I did not have sex with that woman. If you don’t call what you did sex…

      Or Hillary saying no email she sent was marked classified, knowing full well that’s a meaningless statement. It’s not the markings, but the content that makes something classified. So she tries to snow the public with some “truth.”

      The Clintons are just one of the many public examples of a loosely defined truth.

      • The ever present cheater “trickle truth” we all know about. Truth for them is typically their “version” of the truth and somewhat different from the actual truth.

        If I were AKA I would definitely be interested in hearing what version of the truth he shares with his family to see if there is an ounce of true remorse.

        I know my cheater X-hole would never tell the truth about his indiscretions, nor would he ever even write an apology or accept ANY blame for what he has done or what happened. “It’s all your fault Stevie!!” Don’tchaknow!

        • Reminds me of Jack Nicholson’s character in “Something’s Gotta Give”: “I’ve always told you some version of the truth.”

        • “I know my cheater X-hole would never tell the truth about his indiscretions, nor would he ever even write an apology or accept ANY blame for what he has done or what happened. “It’s all your fault Stevie!!” Don’tchaknow!”
          NC – we were married to the same Narc. His ‘truth’ is very different from ‘my truth,’ that is for sure! And an apology? WOW! What could he possibly apologize for? He has done NOTHING wrong because his cheating was justified by me being a horrible wife….

          • My cheater actually referred to “His” truth. I was always taught to believe there was just THE truth.

            • I know, TheMuse. There are few things that I loathe more than the nonsense of the “my truth”, “your truth” phenomenon of the post-modern era. It’s all about “narrative” these days. There is no objective reality anymore. It’s all about YOU: Your feelings; your perceptions; your … “truth”. Not actual truth, not actual reality — no. YOUR truth. That’s all that matters now. Urrrrrgh.

              • I remember this being the sticking point for me the first time I went through something like this (in my case is wasn’t a cheated-on, but a married male professor asking me whether I masturbate while I was asking him for a letter of recommendation to grad school). He went all over the place telling me why I shouldn’t be upset and it wasn’t harassment and “truth is relative” and “facts depend on a jury” and it’s never realistic or fair to say “what happened happened.” I remember feeling so gaslighted (though at the time I didn’t know the word) that I literally got a migraine-like headache for the first, last, and only time in my life (it came back in milder form for years whenever I thought about him). He could see that my anger was coming from somewhere, but was confused about the “where.” I was certainly right about “how it made me feel,” but other than that, was a disappointment to him and had cast a black cloud over his life. He now looked at his current students with distrust, even distaste. I could not believe–couldn’t, in my mind, believe–that someone I had trusted and looked up to that much was treating me this way now. I couldn’t believe it and tried so hard to figure out how he could somehow be right, but the whole “truth is relative” burned inside like heartburn and I had to start researching critical thinking right then so I wouldn’t go crazy.

                About time. I only wish I’d learned it years earlier. Long before I met this guy or accorded him any credibility.

            • ^^^^^^^^ This exactly. Then Pinched-A-Loaf turned this “my truth vs. your truth” into suddenly we didn’t have the same value system anymore. Damn right we don’t BECAUSE I DON’T Cheat and LIE!

          • X-hole’s version of the truth is based on his disordered reality glitch. He actually believes his own bullshit. I’ve absolutely had him lie right to my face about situations where I positively KNOW what happened. Not “his” version but the actual version, and I’ve called him out.. “you can’t be serious? I was there and that is NOT what happened.” Lie lie lie and deny deny deny. Like arguing with a toddler that doesn’t know any better. Fuckwits, all of them

          • Sounds like we were…. same exact thing. Asshole has never thought he’s done anything wrong to apologize for.

            He actually DID tell his ex-wife that she was a bad wife. She’s a great person and a great Mom. He’s a selfish dick, always has been and always will be.

            She and I both had the exact same issues with him. She said “how can you have any honest communication with a person who can NEVER admit he does anything wrong?”

            They’re exhausting really. Good riddance!

      • Why oh why do you feel the need to drag Mrs. Clinton into this discussion? This is a forum for people who have been cheated on, yet some days, I feel that I have logged onto the wrong site! I wish folks would leave their snide political comments somewhere else…

        • Because she’s the one I just heard this AM, so her lies are fresh in my mind. Had I heard Trump or Cruz or any other, I could probably come up with examples from that side of the aisle.

          I brought her up because she and Bill both are well known liars that would likely resonate with everyone here.

          Regardless you political leanings, left, right or center, it’s not hard to find politicians that lie.

          If you excuse the lies from your team, are you really any different from those who excuse the actions of cheaters? (Not saying anyone is, but if you are, consider why you are giving your team a pass when you wouldn’t take such lying from others.)

          • Always reminds me of this great joke….

            How can you tell when a politician is lying? His/Her lips are moving.

          • I don’t consider the Clintons on my “team”. I would like to note that I never see Trump or Cruz bashing here, only Clinton. That to me is injecting politics where it does not belong. If you believe all politicians are liars, fine. But I am tired of certain folks taking every opportunity to pontificate about how much they hate Hilary on a site that has nothing to do with politics!

            • Hear, hear, violet.
              No politics please. Hillary should only be brought up in the context of a Chump who chose reconciliation.

              And no, I do not have a “team.” I have voted for candidates for both political parties over the years, and I spent years voting as an independent.

              • I’m not so she “chose reconciliation” as chose the life she has with him that may never been about an actual relationship between the two of them. Just a guess, but I betcha.

              • They have a daughter, and a grandchild, and one on the way, so I’m calling that a real relationship. I’m thinking it’s hard to know what goes on in amy marriage, as this site proves over and over. She chose to stay and in doing so closed off one set of possibilities for herself. It interests me that she has put her own career at the forefront of her energies and her husband has receded somewhat into the background. Like all Chumps, she had a hard choice to make. Perhaps she chose what she wanted most. Or maybe like many who write here, she couldn’t give up what she knew for the chance at a life she couldn’t yet imagine. All I know is that going through infidelity publicly would be hell, and I feel for her and anyone else who goes through it.

            • I am more than happy to fillet Trump and Cruz,but this isn’t the place. I think Chumps feel HC is fair game, because she is an apostate chump (she took him back, after all), and for some reason, we are harder on her for that than we are on Trump, who regards tall eastern European blondes as interchangeable wife units. They all make me sick.

              UBT for President. Poor thing, that one was really chewy!

              AKA-he sucks.

              love to all Chump Nation
              x-Meh

              • Amen, Mehphista. (plus where’s the challenge in pillorying Trump or Cruz? It’s like shooting fish in a barrel.)

            • I think we all have political opinions and many of them have been expressed on this site citing politicians from both sides as examples. Politicians are often Narcissists. They exhibit many of the tendencies we talk about on this site. IMHO NONE of the current candidates from either side of the 2016 race have been angelic. I know that historically politics has always been a dirty game, but in the past we did not have to be bombarded with the daily, seems like hourly, news reports and constant rehashing of who said what to whom. I am always glad when the election is finally over so that I can watch the news while I am getting ready for work without having to hear about the latest rant or rave, or see 37 commercials during a 1/2 hour of viewing. I would like to know the weather, or events happening in my area, or traffic conditions without having to hear about how bad one or the other or both or all of the politicians are.

              I wish we could somehow exclude these lovelies from our lives — often I do not care to know what they are doing. I also do not enjoy hearing about the follies and jollies that past politicians have engaged in during their personal lives. Their political records and actions are pertinent to the study of history, but I really do not need to know how many lovers they had or who those people were. I really prefer that people keep information about their sex lives to themselves, unless asked, and then they should respond only if they want to. I certainly do not want someone standing outside my bedroom door/window with a camera and a recorder! We have become a nation of voyeurs and gossips. Is it any wonder that people think taking pictures of their private parts, or someone else’s parts, and posting it on the internet is perfectly ok? We all have parts, do we really need to see the parts belonging to others???

              I do not believe that those public displays where a house or senate panel are questioning someone accused of some terrible act are going to accomplish either discernment of the truth or justice. Look how hard it is to find that in a court of law — Do we REALLY expect a politician to put politics aside in the search for truth? Do we really believe they will not posture and pander to the public’s seemingly endless thirst for sludge? Think about it. Do you really believe in anything any of these politico’s say? Sadly my voting life has consisted of holding my nose and voting for whoever seems the lesser of two evils at that moment. I wonder what it would be like to actually be able to believe one of them cares about doing what is best for the country.

              • Hear Hear Portia (as always – very wise woman you are) 😀

                Listen, if Trump gets in I’ve got only 2 choices: 1) Disown my beloved cousins (you lot – you know who you are)! or 2) Offer you all political asylum here in Liverpool. It’s a cramped 3 bedroomed house – but we might just do it ….
                You think you are sick of hearing the political hype – we get it all the bloody time over here in the UK … and we don’t even get a vote. Get it together will you! (Clinton’s are shite but Oh Dear God – Trump is a global nightmare waiting to happen)! Please don’t think we have our politics any better over here on the other side of the pond. I’m all for indicting Tony Blair (and I’m definitely left wing in my politics) and don’t even start me on Boris Johnson – a complete freak narcissist playing the ‘I’m harmless, I’m just a buffoon’ card! Frighteningly popular and frighteningly right wing / career politician.

              • Off-topic –

                Umm. Umm. Jayne’s in trouble. Chump Lady said knock it off. ?

                “You lot,” only other time I’ve heard that is in “The Magnificent Seven,” by The Clash. (I told you too much of my knowledge of England comes from music.) Does “you lot” always imply derision?

                I want and read this article in The Telegraph.

                http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/general-election-2015/politics-blog/11643323/The-electoral-reform-lobby-needs-to-sober-up.html

                The ERS wants SVT & PR? WTF!

                Oh yeah. Cheaters suck.

              • Ian – 1) NO – ‘you lot’ isn’t derisory! 2) ok – went and had a peek at that Telegraph article – lost the will to live at a picture of Cameron followed by a picture of Farage. 3) Proportional representation sounds like a sane way to go to me (and I suspect would have kept Liverpool in Lancashire and not created the decidely scummy ‘Merseyside’ cos Liverpool is a notoriously militant left-wing city and a lot of Tory votes were cancelled in Lancashire by the bastard working class in Liverpool – of which I am a proud daughter of a trade union rep – see? militant left wing 😀 Come on you fair treatment for poor people! Come on you ‘you pay for my labour time, you do not pay for my soul!’). I find the Telegraph a tough read – I much prefer The Guardian 😀

          • “Regardless you political leanings, left, right or center, it’s not hard to find politicians that lie.”

            ^^^This x 1,000.

      • It’s a long time until November. Can we please leave off the political commentary? I loathe moderating my site and going all school-marm-ish on my fellow chumps.

        There are other place to scratch that itch.

        I’m going to have the last word with “Bad Lip” sync of Ted Cruz. “This country doesn’t need more goose diarrhea!”
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v75wCTMZoSY

        Enjoy. Now stop.

      • Once again, please stop with introducing the Clinton issues and politics (her emails) into this discussion, or others on this board.

        In point of fact, it was commonplace for State Dept officials to have and use private email during her time at State. Furthermore, most of the so called “classified” messaged were so designated after her term as Secretary, and before the release. Hence, the delay.

        Let’s keep to the topic at hand, shall we, hmmm…. ? Bullshit is bullshit, whether coming from a cheater, or somebody drinking Faux Noos political kool-aid.

    • Lothos never believe what they say and write. This letter is just another example of a typical cluster b relationship cycle to gaslighten her that’s all. NEVER ever believe what they said or do and even write. There is a great internet radio broadcast I listen to couple years ago that goes into great detail what happens with these cluster B’s. Education is the key to keep us and everyone else in the world protected from them.

    • I think CL’s “words are meaningless” or, my favorite from Game of Thrones applies here: “Words are wind.” He says he “will” break it off and tell his family. Not he’s ALREADY broken if off and told his family the truth. The Entitled One told his close and friends and family too, complete with minimizing his actions, spinning the narrative so it favored him, and blame-shifting his behavior onto me for “my part” in us “growing apart.”

      • And how “sorry” is he really if he is STILL with the “OW” and is offering NOW to “break it off”?

        Ruh-roh! I guess you really mean this “don’t cheat on me” thing, AKA.

        • Of course the OW is still in his life and still with her. Of course he wants to his AKA back and this cheat is testing AKA to see if he still can get kibbles from her. They ALWAYS come back sooner and later. With these Cluster B’s they have to have many different people in many different levels in their lives just in case they don’t have use for them. It’s an endless cycle for these Cluster B’s.

          • Beth – I was thinking the same thing. My ex would say that he would break it off with the OW if he could work things out with me. I would always wonder, if he was serious, why didn’t he break it off with her and then try to work it out with me? Of course, he could never be alone or risk being alone.

        • Agreed, Chump Lady. His email is so very contrite. (Thanks for UBT’ing it, by the way – I really need this right now…) As someone already suggested, everything he writes about is in the future tense, basically dependent on how I respond. All more empty words and no real action. And in the end, he emerges as the winner, because he still has someone giving him kibbles – whether that be me, OW, unknowingly both of us, someone else that he has held onto for years, or even someone new. (Which is funny actually as he has told me numerous times that all he wants is to be single and FREE!!)

          • AKA

            This letter just reminded me of the one I received from the Limited in 2010. I had her phone number and forwarded the letter to her. It was hysterical. She dumped him.

            I hate the “I wish..” and “no way to explain” cheater speak classic filed under magical thinking and the relationship mysteries, at a third grade reader level.

          • aka, I’ve heard that line before – about not needing to be with anyone and wanting to be free. What these narcissists REALLY mean is that they want to be free of any responsibility to anyone .. so they can go off and do their thing anytime anywhere BUT when the narcissists are done with their adventures, they want that loyal and reliable someone back home waiting for them – to give them sex, attention and company, until they head off and disappear for awhile again.

            They don’t want a reciprocal relationship but narcissists can’t come clean and say that because selfish people don’t want other self-centered people as partners. I find narcissistic types to be very needy (despite their BS claim of being otherwise), and since they also do not give back, it’s super exhausting to be around them. Get away, and stay away, from these takers!

            • If there was a like button for this comment I’d hit it. Describes my ex to a T. Can’t even imagine living life just using people!

      • Yes. This^^. I had a fantastic therapist who said – always look at his behaviour. My mistake was listening to the words. My EX acted like he was an unmarried, single 25 year old.

    • Lothos, it may just be my cynicism, but two things jumped right out at me. The fact that he is “going” to tell his family, and that he is “breaking” it off with the whore screams FUTURE-TENSE to me! It would have been more real if he had said he “told” his family and had “broken” off with the whore. For him, I think those things hinged on her response to his letter.

    • My STBXH also told his family the truth, then continued his affair for another 4 months while lying to all of us. And even when he did tell the truth, I got hit with the pressure from his family to take him back because he finally “told the truth” and wants to make it work so I should give him another chance. This cheater says he is “going to” tell his family. I find it hard to believe. And even if he does, I would assume it’s to get sympathy from his family. I’m sure telling the truth will also include how he has tried everything to make it up to her and told her how sorry he is and he wants to save their marriage/relationship, but she won’t give me another chance. Then it becomes her fault that the marriage/relationship has ended, not his.

      • Telling the family means nothing. After all, my cheating ex-wife had her married OM over to her parents for holiday gatherings.

        Telling the family is a meaningless act. The family just might be all for the affair.

        • Bingo. My Exhole brought his OW to family gatherings and after I kicked him out, moved INTO his parent’s house WITH OW. After all of his lies, they liked her better. *eye roll* So they knew and approved of his cheating.

      • Exactly, you can’t expect the family to help. In my case, ex-FIL thought ex was driven to other women because I wasn’t giving him enough sex. (It was the other way around.) Ex-MIL just buries her head in the sand and squawks about how she’ll “never understand.” Either way, they are busy pretending his disordered lifestyle (cycling through multiple girlfriends simultaneously, sleeping with every woman he meets who will hold still long enough) is normal.

      • Total truth jessicawett. I saw ‘The Great I Am’s ‘confession to friends and family. Lots of minimising: ‘I become involved with another woman’ and then lots of ‘I tried hard to make the marriage work afterwards, but Jayne just wouldn’t let it go’. On top of that, his family are all cheaters and users so what the fuck difference did it make that he fessed up to them? He was just ‘one of us’ after all said and done. They were all for polygamous monogamy – even heard them say ‘all relationships have cheating involved’. No big deal his ‘fessing up’.

      • Cheaters just want to get on top of the story, because they know it’s going to come out. It won’t be the real story, but they’ll be on top of it.

        Completely unmagnanimous self serving tripe.

    • Suspicious me says he is trying to control the message. He’s trying to prevent her from going to his family and telling the truth the way she sees it and even if he does tell them it will be a very massaged story – they weren’t getting along, he was miserable, he made a mistake and turned to someone else yada yada yada.

      My shit head “told” his sister and enabler once I found out in order to preempt me. Bought her some gifts and gave her a sob story. The shit will hit the fan when his mother finds out and he wants his sister to protect him. I did think about telling his mother but shes old and an idiot and I just can’t be bothered getting involved in that dysfunctional mess any way.

    • Lothos that’s what he said he was going to do. He has demonstrated none of this with his actions. If he truly loved her, he would do these things without having to make a big announcement to AKA. He’s not honoring no contact; he’s not respecting her boundaries.

      And how could he? He showed her how he feels about her already when he cheated and lied. Those are the only actions he’s demonstrated so far and those are the only ones AKA should believe. If he actually does what he’s saying in the letter; backs off and respects no contact; is fair in the divorce settlement, etc then maybe she has some different actions to look at but now it’s just more of the same.

      He’s trying to manipulate her with words written on paper.

    • “he did say he was going to tell his family the truth”

      Going to do something doesn’t mean ANYTHING coming from a cheater. I might believe it if a cheater said he’s already told his family the truth. But this crap is meaningless.

      • Three years ago – even before the last D-day – Cheater said he was going to get a vasectomy. It was so that 1) I could stop freaking out about getting pregnant and 2) So he would NEVER be able to get anyone else pregnant either… because he’d cheated 8 years prior, and I was absolutely insistent that WHEN he did it again, it was best for everyone – him (no child support/baby mama drama) and me and the kids… not feeling like he was ditching us for a new family/kid.

        Did he EVER get that vasectomy? Of COURSE NOT. He still tells me how he intends to, like I’ll just give him credit for repeating himself without action of any kind.

        Swear to god… he really doesn’t drop the ball on shit to be hateful and/or contrary. He’s just, mentally, lazy.as.fuck. That if problems aren’t spoken, they’ll just melt away.

    • Lothos,

      You said:

      Not saying she should get back with him but perhaps their is hope in his future with someone else if he actually does come out clean and tells everyone what he did.

      Hahahahahahahaaahahahaaa. Hahahahahaha. Ha.

      Let’s hope he changes for the benefit of society. Chumps got better things to do than worry about him in the future tense.

    • Well, he said he was GOING to tell them, he didn’t say that he DID tell them. Just empty words at this point.

    • Based on AKA’s post the other day, he’s had 4 affairs and she found him with a female half his age in their home. When he moves his lips, he’s lying.

    • If he was being honest, he wouldn’t have written to AKA to say he was going to tell the truth to his family. He would have already done it. He’s playing a game with her.

    • Holy-cow did I start a crap storm LOL!

      Ok (man that rotten tomato in my face stinks)!!! Sorry, I was being a bit cynical without sacrificing the current person.

      Yes, everything he said is in future tense and she should not respond to it. One can hope someone makes the right decision but that does not mean they have to sit around and wait to see if they do and I am not suggesting she does. Like I said, for his future relationships (not his present). His current wife should not take him back no matter what.

      Some of the responses are hilarious.

      • It’s cool Lothos – I got that you were being ironic 🙂 I’m hoping AKA sees that his ‘shouldawouldacoulda’ is nothing but manipulation and image control. Promises of being a decent human being but making that contingent on how AKA perceives him is clearly bullshit – nothing’s changed – though clearly he thinks his offer is ‘exciting and new’ and AKA should be over-awed by it. Bollocks and poo!

        • I’m seeing it, Jayne. But I will admit that upon first reading this email, I was like – wow! He’s really sorry, he loves me, he’s ending it with her, I WON THE PICK ME DANCE. Yikes. And then after rereading it, I found every word to be entirely empty, self-serving… and just felt plain exhausted by his drivel. I’m so glad that CN sees through all of his words too. The support is liberating! Thanks to all of you (us) Chumps!

    • My ex told everyone what he had done – my family, his family, our friends, the women who came after me. For a very brief moment, I saw this as him being humble and accountable. Then, I woke up. It wasn’t humility or him accepting blame. It was him simply stating facts, with the same emotion and regret as that of a jelly bean. Not to mention, it was actually quite humiliating for me. Here I was trying to be the heroine of my story and he was painting me as a victim – a poor, pitiable, naive, gullible creature, begging for the scraps the other women had dropped at my very own dinner table.

      I realize HE was the one who made the mistakes and HE was the one who should have been embarrassed, but I quite simply didn’t care how HE felt or how HE looked in the whole thing. I only cared how I was being portrayed and it was not favorably. So, I got over it, I found my footing, and I moved on. I’m still moving on. I’m no longer anyone’s victim.

      • “It was him simply stating facts, with the same emotion and regret as that of a jelly bean.”

        Well said, mermaiddani, I saw a very similar pattern in my X, and the moment I realized that, I knew the only sane response was “buh-bye!”

    • Yeah. I’ll believe him telling the real truth when I see it.

      I was watching a Simpson’s episode where Marge was trying to be a realtor. She was struggling to sell houses because she was too honest and had the gall to tell people about problems. So, her boss explained to her that there’s the truth and then there’s the “truth”. Then, he showed Marge some house photos and asked what she saw. On the first one, she said “That house is too small.” Her boss said “No, it’s cozy”. For the second house photo, she replied “That house is falling apart.” “No,” said her boss “It’s a fixer upper.” On viewing the last house, Marge exclaimed “THAT house is on FIRE!” To which her “truthy” boss replied “Motivated Seller!”

      I have a feeling her hubby may be planning on telling the “Motivated Seller” version of the truth instead of the “THAT house is on FIRE!” version of the truth. Will he say: “She was overall a kind, generous spouse and though she may have had a few shortcomings, so do I and yet she remained faithful and kind. It really is my fault that I cheated and I absolutely deserve her leaving me.” OR will he say “I’ve been unhappy for a long time and I made a little mistake. I mean, c’mon, unhappiness makes people do not so nice things, so my actions are all her fault. How could she do such a not so nice thing to me as leaving? I was a great husband. I don’t deserve this. Poor me. Boo hoo.”

      • That’s absolutely true JannaG – ‘motivated seller’ indeed. You encapsulated the insult that is: ‘I tried to work on the problems (AKA my cheating) but she wouldn’t let it go’. It’s a fucking, fuckity fuck!

    • He’s not telling his family anything. He’s been gone 5 weeks this Thursday, alternating between sleeping on his brother’s and sister’s couches. If he hasn’t mentioned “this” yet, he’s not going to start now. That I am sure of… Or maybe as many suggested there will be his very cleaned-up version of the truth — I was unhappy (and therefore entitled to figure out a way to be happy), then I met someone new, and oops, I was going to leave her but she caught me before I could.

      • How do you not have a place to stay for nearly 5 weeks and not have anyone speak up and say “Hey man… what’s going on? Don’t you usually live over on Maple, like with your wife and stuff?” I mean I get a few days of “AKA and I are fighting, I don’t want to talk about it.”… but after a certain point wouldn’t your curiosity get the better of you and say “So, what exactly are you fighting about? I mean, 5 weeks, I’m just say’in.”

        • I’m with you, CAGal. It’s all very strange. I mean, if I showed up at my family’s house, they’d be asking what happened. And after 5 weeks, they’d be asking me to leave. And honestly, I think that that is ultimately what this email is really about – he wants to come “home” (i.e., he needs a permanent place to stay but doesn’t want to “adult” and sign his own lease). Hell, at “home” it’s easy, it’s clean, there’s food in the fridge, and he doesn’t ever have to worry that he will run out of toilet paper. Oh, and… he doesn’t have to “couch surf” anymore (as he put it)… He can sleep in *my* bed (that he probably slept with the OW in)– and sleep ever so soundly, dreaming about all of the good times they shared.

        • CAGal, my x wasn’t sleeping on couches but to this day his family don’t know what happened. He claims he told them it was all his fault, though. It must have been quite the scene. He was super hysterical on the day he told them, sobbing and gasping for breath. And they’ve all respected “it’s too painful to talk about.” Odd, but he made it work somehow. Five years on and they still don’t know.

  • That made me smile this morning . If my narc had tried this 4 months ago i might have fallen for it. Luckily he has been a complete dick the whole time. Not. Going. Back. Yay me!! It is about time after 34 years of abuse. I am (finally) mighty!

    • You are mighty, sadlady15! And I’ve learned today, EVERYONE here at CN (the newly chumped, the weakest chumps, the biggest chumps, every chump) is extremely mighty! It’s just too bad we had to go through this terrible pain and experience(s) to realize how mighty we all are…

  • Yeah, one thing I’ve said in the past was “If you really understood the gravity of the damage of your actions in this relationship, you wouldn’t be able to look at me. You wouldn’t even ask if I could forgive you, because the idea would seem impossible and ridiculous.” That would result in several seconds of crickets followed by statements about the flaws in my thinking.

    Some people just have no heart.

    • Yeh! The “I’m sorry… but…” Heres why you’re actually so so so so wrong and I’m obviously right and you’re being weird about how you think about this.

      I don’t remember when I have ever had anything aside from “I’m sorry… But…” Which negates your I’m sorry, and is a rebuttal and restatement about why the chump caused it all.

      • I never got I am sorry. I got the ” I know I hurt you” but.. It was all my fault for ignoring him and rejecting him for 23 years! The marriage was over when he joined POF to meet women. What did he meet? “Francesca”. A “girl” half his age that he claimed was going to be his new wife. I guess he forgot he already had one. He told his brother it was a very serious relationship and his one last chance to be the happiest he has ever been. Yes, “talking” for a month? Turns out he was scammed in a Ghana romance scam. Stolen pics of a porn star. How fucking pathetic. Sent thousands of dollars to Ghana even knowing it was a scam! This was in June of 2013. I played the pick me dance. Degraded myself while he was sobbing and crying about the fake girl. I stupidly thought he was sorry for what he had done to our family. In hindsight, he was crying and sobbing over being scammed. Claiming he was suicidal. What a chump I was. Claimed he never cheated because he never had sex and moved out before he did anything. If setting up a profile on a dating website to meet women is not cheating, I would like someone to explain what it is? So almost 3 years out and I am still pissed off! There he is living alone in a POS one bedroom apartment. I hope the fuckwad is the happiest he has ever been. Gave up wife, kids and grandkids for nothing. I took half his retirement in the divorce and bought a house!. I have my kids and grandkids, who do not speak to him. He has twisted it all around. The gas lighting is insane. He acts as if none of this ever happened. I guess I should be glad that he went no contact. It is as if I was erased and never existed. The one thing I am stuck on: how can someone walk away from everything without a backwards glance? I just don’t get it. I am still working everyday in getting to Meh. It has been a tough slog. June 24, 2013, assclown came home from work and said I might as well tell you, “I am done”. I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. Said he was not going to pay the mortgage in 5 days but was going to use the money to get an apartment on July 1. He did and moved so fast, like the hounds of hell were after him. Put the house up for sale on July 3rd and I filed for divorce on July 11th. All this in 2 weeks! My head still spins. Tried the pick me dance and got the tired old line of ” I need to figure out who I am”. I took the hint and told him to let me know when he figured it out. Then I got told what a piece of shit I am for not being willing to settle for crap from him. Yes, let us be friends after blowing my life up. I saw him a couple of weeks ago and he looks like shit. That made me feel better. Still wearing the coat my Mom bought him 5 years ago and the clothes I bought him when we were still married. Yuk. Venting changes nothing. Just one foot in front of the other. Still, I would like to punch him in the nose.

        • Velvet69,

          You said, ‘[I] got the tired old line of ”I need to figure out who I am”. I took the hint and told him to let me know when he figured it out…Yes, let us be friends after blowing my life up.’ Sounds just like my last couple weeks with my ex-boyfriend. I now interpret the ‘I need to figure out who I am/what I want/whatever,’ as ‘Don’t pressure me to behave like a responsible, honest human being! Even if you have been extremely patient for months/years!’ I laugh at the lunacy of ‘Let us be friends’ after blowing up one’s partner. So insulting! I told my ex-boyfriend that once I walked out of his house, I was not going to see him again, implying that we were not friends (at least, he was never a true friend to me).

        • Mostly i got… i dont know what i want and i want to be by myself and not responsible for anyone…. and moved right back in with whore juice to couple up. Well i knew what i wanted… not this!!!

        • I am soo with you! Mine said he just wants to be happy and have fun! We had plenty of fun for 29 years and then he cheated, 4 years of financial and every other abuse later and he discards me with that line. moved in with his OW within a couple of weeks, now he is raising her 10 year old( he is 55 and has two grown children–are you having fun yet, asshole?). I just don’t get it either. I am in Florida right now in our semi retirement house.The one we worked on together it is lovely and now sold and i get to empty the F**cker. He has had his other women in every bed I slept in, my house, my cottage and here as well, absolutely no respect and terribly cruel as well. I don’t want him back, but I don’t get it.

  • Yes . During my year long attempt of reconciliation, I insisted that he go back to the dozen people he demeaned me to (his family, coworkers etc and tell them the truth. He left to begin with his mother and sisters and by the next day their hate talk was revved up 100% compared to how it was before. They pretty much ostricized me completely. So, don’t know what he said but it certainly wasn’t admitting to truth. I got the impression he was just playing the victim who had returned home for the kids , to do the right thing.

  • After d-day was the first time I used the word “unforgive.” Yes, he apologized with similar passion, I forgave him, then the next day told him I unforgave him. (It would be a great story if I told you I kicked him out on his, um, ear that day but it would take me seven more months to do that.)

  • Yup… Its just the lube before he tries sticks it to u. Its cheater foreplay. He wants to see if u bite. Now just watch as his texts and letters turn nasty when u dont respond. Typical cheater bullshit.

      • “Cheater foreplay” – a prelude to a Cheater’s favorite threesome. Cheater, Chump, and whomever else wants a tasty word-salad served with a side of psychosis.

      • Because we all know the reach around is where its at…..

        Folks, actions, not words.

        If they are serious, there will be a reach around, not just slamma-jamma wham bam thank you ma’am

        New definition of remorse: was there an actual reach around? And minimum requirement is 30 seconds?

  • Mine said he was sorry for the bad stuff he and his sisters and OW put me through. His sisters? OW? Bad stuff? Definitely not an ounce of ownership or remorse!

    • You know, linda2, when you said “he was sorry for the bad stuff he and his sisters and OW put me through</em," I had visions of a Game of Thrones kind of scenario.

      Ewww! Cheating just got way worse! 😛

      • Yes. His sisters encouraged him to leave me. What was weirdest was CH moving in with OW and her husband. The husband worked long night shifts.
        As a side note, my CH commented on Trump this week and asked me if I had heard of narcissism. CH is as much of a narc as any of the politicians . So sad. He has no clue about himself. He is perfect in his own eyes.

  • I got a bit of this lying drivel after the demise of the previous affair I caught asshole in (keyword CAUGHT) ). “I’m sorry I hurt you, I didn’t know you really loved me this much. Let’s get through the holidays and we will start counseling.” Less than 6 months later he’s chatting up a new whore 2 states away whilst resuming the mind fuck and silent treatment. Such a selfish dick.

  • About a year after cheater moved out/ran with his pants on fire, he sent a diatribe “explaining” why he left our marriage. This was a few years before Chump Lady & before the UBT was born. Paragraph by paragraph I replied to every accusation, untruth, crazy talk & pathetic whim. I then hit send and copied in his parents & siblings. It was very cathartic & pretty much sealed the NC on both sides.

  • I have so many emails that are even nuttier than the one translated. Heres a copy and paste of what I receive weekly and monthly… How do I still get emails? well I block them as they come but he just makes new ones. LOL

    Dear person I cheated On,

    I am sorry actually. But I was told that I’m not to talk to you ever again. Also, I’m not a narcissist. There’s actually an explanation (not an excuse) for everything I did, but you don’t want to hear it. So what am I supposed to do? You’ve literally stripped me of every way to communicate with you.

    I think about you all day, every day. I miss you so much it actually causes me physical pain. You deserved sooo much better than what I gave you. I am a failure, in every sense of the word. I will never find anybody that compares to you. You were my soul mate in the purest sense. But, I ruined it. I did the one thing that would hurt you the most. I abandoned you and left you all alone. I think about it all the time, and it brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it… like now. You know I care about you, and you know that I am sorry. You just use stupid misdiagnoses of psychological disorders to try to make yourself hurt less (which is a very unique coping mechanism, I must say).

    You know what though? I know you already know all of this. And, I also know that you care about me still, miss me, think about me just as often as I do of you, and hurt just as much — maybe more. There have been so many times that I wanted to email you, but I didn’t out of respect for your wishes. I don’t think you realize how high up the pedestal that I’ve put you on is. For the rest of my shitty life, nobody will ever equate to you. Nobody understands me like you do, and nobody understands you as well as I do. You are something truly special, and I will never be as happy as I was when I was sharing my life with you. I am sorry. You can’t possibly understand how much I mean that.

    Sincerely,
    Dumb ASS

    • Your cake was a double chocolate triple layer double fudge with sprinkles. No other cake will ever compare to yours.
      Hugs!

    • Oh Brittneyk

      “I will never be as happy as I was when I was sharing my life with you AND HER BOTH AT THE SAME TIME WOO HAHA FUCK YEAH I WAS A FUCKING LEGEND.”

      Fixed it for ya. 🙂

    • Shorter DumbASS: You wouldn’t have broken up with me if you weren’t mentally ill and inferior to me. Kisses!

    • Wow, this sounds exactly like my cheater. “Sure, I was wrong, but you are just so rude! I have explanations! You just don’t want to hear them! I know you sit around and think about me all day every day, because I am Special! You are just too stubborn to give in to what you really want–which is ME! How dare you take away my kibbles? I thought better of you than that! I even put you on a pedestal–a very special pedestal labelled “Great Kibbles Anytime”! Do you want to fall off my pedestal? DO YOU? That would be a shame. For me. Look at me, I’m crying at the very thought of losing my best kibble source. How dare you call me a narcissist?”

    • OMG, Brittney, that letter just BEGS for UBTranslation!!

      Dear person I cheated On,

      “I am sorry actually.” = I used “actually” to underscore that you probably think I’m not sorry. Well, I am sorry not sorry.

      “Also, I’m not a narcissist. There’s actually an explanation (not an excuse) for everything I did, but you don’t want to hear it.” = You always heard my excuses before!! Why not now? Oops, I meant explanation. You know the way that gravity makes apples off the trees. It couldn’t be helped.

      “I am a failure, in every sense of the word.” = Yup. We have a consensus.

      “I did the one thing that would hurt you the most. I abandoned you and left you all alone.” = Ignore the fact that you filed for divorce on me; if I say that I abandoned you, it gives me the power. So hah!

      “You just use stupid misdiagnoses of psychological disorders to try to make yourself hurt less (which is a very unique coping mechanism, I must say).” = You are cleverer than I thought. Brilliant of you to use the DSM as a way to alleviate your pain–the pain I caused. But you’re not that clever, because it is stupid to use the DSM to diagnose me. Ergo, I am more clever than you (hence my characterization of your strategy as “stupid”).

      “I also know that you care about me still, miss me, think about me just as often as I do of you, and hurt just as much — maybe more.” = [Holy shit, Batman!! That is some hubris!! UBT needs to recover.] You think about me more than I think of you, because….FAB me! I am worthy of thoughts and love in a way that you are not, that is why there is an asymmetry. Also, I wasn’t thinking of you when I was banging howorker/neighbor/our kid’s best friend’s mom/chick I found on Craigslist. Since you were probably thinking of me at those times, and thinking how marriage to me was the BEST thing possible, you thought of me more than I thought of you. Power imbalance!! (ooh, that gave me a boner)

      –Sorry you have to deal with that Brittney. The peculiar blend of javelin thrusts, contempt, and “poor me” is a work of cheater art.

      • Lol thank you so much your translation was enjoyable. Some background, he’s 29 sleeping with a married woman who is 47. I have been no contact with him for 10 months since the divorce I initiated. This is actually one of the more normal emails he has sent. Like I said this one is from January. He won’t stop contacting me. He is a narcissist. Oh and I should mention I have a few months before I receive a masters in psychology. But according to this email I’m a total fuckwit lol

        • Geez Brittney, that was funny but also scary. He’s a total nut bag. He’s clearly getting a lot of pleasure out of imagining your “misery” without him. Ick. I’m so glad you’re NC with him. And yes, congrats on that degree!

      • First of all – Superb UBT Tempest! Standing O for the lass (Yay! Hurrah! clap,clap,clap,clap,clap -oh sit down – no? ok – clap, clap, clap, clap, clap)!

        Second – Oh god brittneyK – I feel like I need a hot shower after reading that shite. I’m so glad you are away from that mindfuckery. He does SO believe in himself, doesn’t he? Dear god! Good for you going NC and not rising to the bait (I had my share of shite from ‘The Great I Am’ but I could never keep it to myself – I always responded with my own incredulous diatribe when he’d send me this sort of shit – but of course, it’s just kibbles and cake and I may as well have just written an entire email going ‘WoooWoooWoooWooo’ for as much as he took on one single word! 😀

        • Jayne: The Great I Am couldn’t tolerate that he had been bested, which is why you never got any intelligible response from him. I would have loved to have seen your verbal laceration of him! And I am picturing him as a deer in the headlights reading your missives, completely unable to defend himself linguistically or ethically. (Yes, I know NC, NC, NC, but sometimes administering a good verbal lashing to a cheater does feel good!)

          • Tempest 😀 You know really you’ve won the argument when they refuse to even address any of the points you raise. It’s infuriating – but on the other hand you have to bear in mind, if they had a coherent argument they’d make it! Frequently ‘The Great I Am’ would resort to personal insults, ‘don’t talk wet’, or his favourite: stonewalling.

            Yep – NC everytime (honestly, cos there’s no point to getting dragged into the madness that is them) but – yeah, can’t deny – rattling off a scathing email or 50 does help ‘get it off your chest’ 😀 xxx

    • This kind of BS might easily be mistaken for remorse if people don’t have the UBT at hand, or if they haven’t started to incorporate UBT principles in their thinking.

    • I got that letter and email too, except it included lurid sex descriptions of how good he was, and more lists of ways I was wrong and cruel to him.

    • AKA, I recall these lines from the thread the other day:
      “Anyhow, four days later, I came home from work early to catch him (not in the actual act, but with the “girl” — he’s 44 and she looked to be about 22). After telling me that this had been going on with her since “at least November” and that this was the 4TH TIME he had cheated on me, he packed a bag and left. Since then, I have been getting calls, emails, and texts — all with with constant contradictions: I love you and miss you and want to come back home — but I don’t know if I want this relationship; I want to take you away for a weekend because I’m so sorry for what I did, but I’m not sure if I can commit; I want to come spend the night with you, but I haven’t broken it off with “the girl”, because well, she’s moving away soon and I really don’t know what’s going on with us; let me come home because we both need each other right now, but let’s not talk about the relationship… ”

      No contact is your friend. Block this guy right now. Block emails, texts, phone calls. Give yourself 6 months to get the lying, gaslighting and mindfucking cleared out of your head.

      My take on this email is that there are only 2 sentences that matter. He wrote: ” I wish I could take them all back, but that’s impossible. You are a sweet, sensitive, generous person that deserves much better than the way I’ve treated you.” He wishes. But even he admits that there is no way to take back what he’s done. And you deserve much better than what this guy has to offer. Because the past behavior is the best predictor of the future. And if you’ve told him not to contact you–he’s already showing he hasn’t learned a thing from getting caught. The question he’s asking is: will you fall for his manipulation again?

      • Thanks for the reminder, LAJ. I think this email should just remind me that the manipulation on his end will never, ever end. Even when he tries to dress it up. I think the thing that’s really getting me here is- what the hell was I thinking the past 7 years? How did I see none of this before now?

        • You didn’t see it aka simply because YOU don’t think like he does. This is a big lesson we all learn. We wouldn’t do/say/behave that way so we get chumped because it doesn’t even entire our minds, then we are further chumped because, caught in the act of being an arsehole we imagine we would behave with remorse and contrition. It comes as a great shock when they follow up their betrayal by further emotional abuse. WE DON’T THINK LIKE THAT. It’s hard to anticipate something you can’t imagine.

        • Eh, we all ask why we didn’t see it. That’s why CL says we need to fix our picker. But first you need to heal and to get your mind clear. That alone elevates your thinking. That’s why no contact is important. That’s why not rushing into another relationship is important. Feel it all until you get to Meh. And as you go, you will figure out why he was able to hook you in.

          • The idea of another relationship makes me sick right now, LAJ. I’m listening to you and your advice, it’s very positive and real — I’m planning on taking this time to heal from all of this abuse, get him out of my head, and to learn to enjoy me (the me before I became involved with this guy) again. I know it’s going to be a long, hard road; but today, I’m still feeling pretty mighty and validated (and I’m really hoping that I still feel like this on Saturday!!). So right now, I feel like I can do this (and *this* will be 100 times easier once he gets his junk out of my house and respects my request for NC) and be able to move on. And every day after today, I’ll continue to tell myself that I can do this… until its that Tuesday and I don’t have to tell myself anymore. Thank you, LAJ.

    • Thank you for sharing brittneyk. This line alone made lunch almost come out my nose:

      “You just use stupid misdiagnoses of psychological disorders to try to make yourself hurt less (which is a very unique coping mechanism, I must say).”

      I’m sorry this asshat won’t leave you alone. You truly deserve better and congrats on your impending degree!

    • Fuck, this hit me like a ton of bricks – I received a similar email to this from my abuser-ex. The whole “I’m sorry but…” narrative.

      A double whammy, because when he would stonewall me and disappear for days or weeks at a time – I’d send emails to him playing pick-me dance which had some of this content in it. Now I’m wondering if theres something wrong with myself, that maybe he was in the right to ignore me at the time. Fuck.

    • Brittney, There is no “I” in team. Geez each sentence begins with “I”. Just report the emails to SPAM!

    • Brittneyk, Dumb Ass should be thrown in the trash based on his use of “very unique” alone.

      You’re going to be busy once you have your degree. Before reading this blog I had no idea there was so much mental illness masquerading as normal. I’m sorry you have the misfortune to receive this kind of infuriating insanity all the time.

    • brittneyk- my cheater is pathetic, but yours is scary. The things he writes to you warrant a restraining order (and I have advanced degrees in psychology — GO YOU! CONGRATULATIONS! — and in law). Your loser’s emails are not only condescending, but threatening. Please be careful as you find your way to meh…

  • My interpretation:

    I’m sorry I got caught.

    I’m sorry you’re kicking me out.

    If I have to go, just remember I feel really, really sorry I got caught.. and yes I can cry real tears if I dice onions.

    I love you, you’re so kind and good, but not kind and good enough to forgive me.

    I feel bad I hurt you, you’ll never get over it and never love again. I see cats in your future. No one will ever love you as much as I love you.

    I’m so sorry that I will break up with OW….., I will break up with other woman for you….I will tell her I’m divorcing you, that I walked out on you, and she’ll let me stay at her place and do my laundry when it could be you taking care of me.

    I will tell my family, I will dice onions before I go to my parents and let them feel sorry for me. Maybe my Mom will make me meatloaf and gravy and peas with a butter. They’ll want me to stay but I will tell them I don’t deserve to sleep in my old bedroom with the cowboy wallpaper. I’ll tell them I will sleep in my car, but instead go to the OW’s place to break up with her again after we have sex.

    I broke your heart but my heart is breaking even more than yours.

    I’ll keep trying get you back until you file for divorce, but I will have no choice but to fight for every nickel and dime, I will fight you for the my coffee mugs, I will fight you the George foremen grill and my toolbox for all the handy work I was going to do when I had some time.

    If you don’t forgive me and see how sorry I am, maybe you’re not as kind and good as I think you are.

    Signed

    Onion Dicer Cheater

    • I’ll tell them I will sleep in my car, but instead go to the OW’s place to break up with her again after we have sex.

      ^^That is hilarious, only because it’s so true. Last week, after sending me a text that he wanted to come home because he missed me, he went running to meet her because first, I didn’t respond and second, I wouldn’t really understand because he was not thinking and acting “compulsively”. First of all, I shouldn’t know this information if he is really trying to come back. Nonetheless, two days later, I get the email that is being UBT’ed in this post. It’s really all crazy making behavior, isn’t it?

      • Definitely the kibble ploy for sure, aka.

        I’m sorry that you have to deal with this manipulative bullshit. My cheater, once I told him I knew of the affair, didn’t do much of anything. He’s not tried to win me back, and during the divorce process, which dragged out for over a year because he refused to do anything unless forced by the law, he didn’t do much, either.

        However, I did get the charm act once. When we were dating, we got into an argument in which he was belittling the occupation that both my parents earned their living at. He knew that, too! Anyway, I had enough and told him that we were through. About a week or so later, I had some surgery, and he brought flowers, balloons, and some crosswords while I was in the hospital recovering. I wasn’t going to give him the time of day, but even my family thought he was behaving so contritely that he deserved a second chance. 😉

        In retrospect, what I was seeing was the kind of Cluster B obliviousness to other people’s feelings and love-bombing that we all know about. Real remorse would have involved him doing a LOT more proactive work.

        At any rate, I went back into kibble dispenser mode for the next 20 years.

        Unless your cheater-X stops seeing the OW, swears a vow of chastity until he figures out why he’s so fucked up, and goes to a therapist (without prompting) to help him find out–hah! What am I talking about? That doesn’t happen with these people!

        • That doesn’t happen with these people. ^^

          Sad, but so true. Right after D-Day, I remember telling someone that it was SO unfair that I didn’t do anything to put myself in this miserable situation– yet I was the one sitting at home crying and grieving, while he was out probably having the time of his life. A few weeks later, I am beginning to appreciate that I was indeed sitting at home crying. I’m a real person, with real emotions — for both others and for myself. I couldn’t imagine living the empty lives some of these cheaters lead.

    • “If you don’t forgive me and see how sorry I am, maybe you’re not as kind and good as I think you are.”

      Great line, PF, **MAJOR** chump bait.

      • So true; they bank on the fact that we want to be good, compassionate people. Lines like that are designed to introduce cognitive dissonance in a chump (“I am a good person, but s/he just said I am behaving like I’m not a good person….must dance some more”).

        • They sure do, Tempest. Bundy likes to call me a “good egg.” Until I don’t pay deference to his majesty and then he wishes everyone could see how “evil” “mean” “two-faced” I am. BTW, being an egg and all, I’m thinking of going pink and purple this Lenten season. An egg. Sheesh.

      • As my ex told me when I was stupid enough to take him back in bogus reconciliation, “I’ve already forgiven myself, so if you can’t forgive me as well, I just don’t see how this marriage can work out.”

        • “I’ve already forgiven myself, so you should, too.” Priceless,Glad. If there was a cheater Hall of Fame, yours would be the first one inducted.

      • Absolutely CalamityJane – I got caught by this ploy many times, though there were times I was flabbergasted he’d tried it. For instance: D Day I rang OW and called her a whore. She texted ‘The Great I Am’ to tell him to tell me not to contact her again or she was going to send her boyfriend around to our home. ‘The Great I Am’ texted back ‘she won’t contact again but if she does, call the police’ (I’ve never so much as had a speeding ticket! – I can’t tell you how much that fucked with my head that he’d do that). I confronted him about it, he told me he’d said that to ‘protect me from her boyfriend’. I said, ‘look, he turns up here, I’ll show him the phone records’. ‘The Great I Am’ had the gall to say ‘How could you do that? How could you hurt someone innocent like that?’ Like, what the fuck was I? You’d been telling me I was the love of your life every single day you were fucking her?

        Honest to god – the karma bus is too fucking good for em! Thank god this episode has faded into the back of my mind – right now, remembering, I could cheerfully give him reason to think the police need calling on this legally blemish-free 53 year old!

  • OMG. How I wish I could send a link of this post to my own personal liar. It is so completely spot on and the drivel in cheater’s letter is so very close to the “apology” I got after D-Day. But I have 22 months to go until I will be eligible for a full half of his pension and I am determined to stay calm and not tip him off. Reading chump lady and the great comments from CN each day keeps me sane.

    • I know how hard it is to stay sane in that “duck lining up” stage. I needed 18 months after Dday to get all my ducks lined up. I think that if you need 22 months to get that pension that will give you security in your retirement, go for it!

      Reading CL and the collective wisdom of Chump Nation helped me a lot. It even helped me keep my cool when XH would try to goad responses out of me. I could even chuckle as I realized that I finally figured out what he was trying to do!

      Stay strong, and keep coming back!

  • The UBT has been such a helpful exercise for me. It allows me to be as snarky/angry as I want, not pull any punches, and see what comes out.

    My ex sent me an email several months after our split because she “needed closure” but it mostly was just a list of all the things I did wrong to not notice her unhappiness, followed by concluding that this “isn’t either of our faults, it just is what it is”. Overall, it was a very transparent attempt to alleviate her own guilt, and running it through the UBT to myself helped me to see it for what it really was, and continue to maintain no-contact.

    • So, the UBT translated her letter as saying that it’s okay for her to cheat because your telepathic super power isn’t good enough to pick up what she feels.

      Yeah….right….

      • Actual sentence from her email: “I told you I was unhappy, it just seems now that you did not hear me.”

        UBT says: “If only you had heard me, then you wouldn’t have caused our marriage to fall apart. You should have listened better to stop me from cheating on you. By the way, the times when you recommended I begin seeing my therapist again after I expressed unhappiness, and I said “nah”, don’t count as you hearing me.”

  • One word: TRIANGULATION

    He’s obviously already bored by the OW… because Narcs bore easily, remember. They feast on drama like a maggot on rotting meat. He still needs your kibbles.

    As CL said… don’t let him batter-ram your boundaries. This bullshit solicitation to make amends is just that… twenty seconds for him to write and now you’ll spend the next 20 hours/days/weeks trying to analyze it.

    Don’t give him another minute of your time. Step away from the game, the triangle, and back into your own center of life… a beautiful, cheater-free life awaits you.

  • “Blahblah sorry blahblahblah destroyed trust blah-dee-blah sweet yaddayadda deserve yaddablahyadda…” (sigh, ok did I do enough of that shit? Now for the good part….) TAKE ME BACK! GIMME THINGS! I WANT THINGS FROM YOU! GIMME KIBBLES! RIGHT NOW! I DESERVE KIBBLES! BOO HOO MY KIBBLES! I WANT MY KIBBLES!”

    Why oh why oh why do these playbook ‘admissions from the heart’ always have a ‘Gimme’ attached to them? Why can’t they just be a total and sincere admission of guilt and just leave it at that? Why does their narrative always have to snake its way from ‘I humbly kneel before your greatness’ to ‘So um, hey, how abouts you gimme the key to the house again babes?’

  • Oh, like rhinestones, how I love the sparkle of these pretty, pretty words. How I wish I had gotten them, even only for show, the last 2 years.

    Deep down I know they mean nothing, except for the brilliant glitter, they are about as valuable as a bedazzled bag.

    Now, I hold them up against the sky, and grin at the kaleidoscope, moments before I let go to release them into the wind, uniting them with the air they are completely made out of…

    Who needs glitter anyway? It’s annoying and gets everywhere.

  • My UBT interprets him breaking up with the ow as that she either broke up with him, or that she is not nearly so spectacular as a main squeeze as she was as a side fuck. But it’s definitely triangulation, nothing to do with love. He just enjoys two chicks bickering over him. Cake requires 3 parties.

    • The X called it- Healthy Competition.
      Grrrrr, that makes me so furious still!
      Too bad I took my jacks and went away.

  • Deserve; deserve; deserve.

    “Deserve” is in the top-five Cheater-word-salad dictionary. “You deserve better,” Match Girl said to me, hours before going off to ride FuckStick like a cowgirl. Yep. I got “deserve” too. (This happened to be one of the two phone calls she deigned to offer me. I told her, “Yes, I do deserve better than you.” And I hung-up on her.)

    “Deserve” is word-salad 101. It makes Chumps feel like the Cheater has grown a conscience – oh, she knows how much of an asshole she is; She knows she hurt me; She is owning her part. – Nope. It’s all a grab for kibbles and cake.

    AKA, we are a bunch of strangers on the Internet, and we love you more than Selfish Reckless does. No-Contact; No-Contact; No-Contact!

    • I love the nickname- Selfish Reckless. It’s so perfect, especially since it’s his own words. Thanks, Ian!

    • My X also used the “deserve” word. She slipped a personal note to me in with the divorce papers that said “You deserved better than this from me.”

      Yep I sure do agree!

  • Sounds like OW isn’t interested in a cheater who is free to be with him – FULL TIME…. ha ha ha ha ha

    Meanwhile, back at the ranch….

  • Yeah, take it all back, go back in time, do things different. Everything but a real genuine apoligy. Barf, puke, vomit. Wish i could take it back too, to the day i met him. I would have walked away. And i will very soon totally spoiling his plan b for me. Yeah take this dude i got your plan b right here! The ubt is correct as always.

    • I LOVE your anger, Kar Marie. It is very therapeutic to read! It helps me to remember my new mantra that I mutter to myself regularly throughout the day … “trust that he sucks, trust that he sucks, trust that he ….”

    • I actually find rage exhausting, that’s why it is one of the reasons I come here, because I need to keep it alive to remind myself not to give up and not to give in. Rage is a wonderfully pure thing. Just wanted you to know it helps me too.

  • My STBX called me and said, “Hey, I am really sorry about the things I said to you the other day (he called me fat and ugly) I didn’t mean them. And, I broke up with the girl, you were right, it isn’t going to work out between us (he is 50 and she is 25). And….I was wondering, what is your lawyer saying to you?” I hung up on him. OMG!

  • “He can demonstrate his sorry by how humbly he accepts consequences, how fairly he treats you in the divorce process, and how well he co-parents with you (if you have any children).”

    This sentence makes me laugh and sigh at the same time. Why? Because ex does not accept consequences, he treated me horribly in the divorce process, and co-parenting? What’s co-parenting? Never heard hide nor hair of it.

  • Gotta love when cheaters promise things that cannot happen… like taking back everything they’ve done. They say “I wish I could take it all back!” and want kibbles for being so magnanimous as to WISH they could undo the things they did over and over and didn’t want to take back until they got caught.

    I wish I could take away your pain!
    I wish you could trust me again!
    I wish I’d never [insert selfish thing here] and chosen you/the kids instead!

    ::blank stare:: Uh… but you can’t. Duh. ::silence::

    And then that seething hatred that they’ve smushed into a little wad, especially for this faux-grand gesture, starts to explode like those little foam-sponge, bathtime capsules. How DARE we not pretend, along with them, that this nonsense is a Great Big Deal! “Bitter shrew! That right there, you cold-hearted bitch! THAT’S why I cheated on you!”

    Yeah. I’m super ungrateful. Move along, now…

    • Great point, Insist.

      It winds me up when people express wishes for the utterly impossible and then stand there expecting to get credit and praise for it.

      Wanting to ‘take it all back’, wishing for a ‘do over’, pining for ‘turning back the hands of time’ should be a private matter. You keep it to yourself simply because it IS impossible. It isn’t something you announce to someone whose soul you shredded, and then you take a bow as you’re enveloped in applause and cheers from the dress circle for being such a fine human being after all.

      Like when someone misses your birthday, and when reminded of it they don’t want to admit they disregarded it so they scream “Oh happy birthday! **I was going to get you a card….**” and they leave that dangling in the air expecting your polite entreaty not to bother with the birthday card (which they clearly didn’t bother with anyway), or your thanks for thinking of them anyway (which they clearly did not). I mean WHAT? You WERE going to get me a card but what, what happened? The card shop was all sold out? You developed a dangerous allergy to paper products? WELL? So stop trying to retro-fit yourself with greatness you overgrown toddler.

  • I swear they all sound like toddlers that have been “wooled” (my grandma’s word :D) too much and need a nap. Serious arrested development!

    When I went NC on satan he promptly pulled 4 OWs out of his hat and started jugglin them around our kids…1 of them close to our granddaughter’s age! One of them older than our parents…???

    Its a beautiful day outside here…I think Beau and I are gonna go fly a kite and enjoy the sunshine! 😀

    • Jeep, is your grandma Scots-Irish? The only people I knew who use the word “wooled” in that way were my father and his sibs. I still use it just because. 🙂

      • LovedaJackass Grandma was a full blood Cherokee 😀 Lucy Jane was a very colorful character 🙂

        …she didn’t put up with much from satan…I should’ve listened to her.

  • The UBT was superb as always but thanks CL for the nugget at the end! So very good!!! “Words are meaningless. When you’ve disrespected someone this grievously, there are only ACTIONS.”

  • The line that says” I am breaking it off with the other woman” please he is still in contact with the garbage, yet reaching out to his wife???

    • At mediation, I got (via lawyers) the texting and talking was “winding down.” Why? Crank it up you POS. As my mom used to say too little too late. I’m gone and so are his kids/grandkids. He’s just a sad old man cut off from his family working in the most dismal office known to mankind. Me? I’m doing fine!

  • The ex-cheater tried that BS of telling HIS story to friends for about half a second. You know, this would be good for him. He deserved to be happy. Because what we created together totally sucked…which was news to me. It backfired. No one would believe what he said. They told him to go home. But it was too late. He knew I would not take him back. It was validating for me to know this. My heart was broken and I was pretty much paralyzed. This was right around D-Day. He sent ONE email to me and I responded but it wasn’t enough. I had demands. He was not amenable to them. How dare I?

    Ironically, He would NOT tell his family. So I did it the night I kicked him out. After he left, I grabbed the phone and called him Mom. Through tears I told her the truth. All of it. She was just as shocked as I was. He’d lie and disparage my name to mutual friends but not his parents. To this day, I don’t believe he has even discussed it with them. But he and the OW send homemade candy to them. See how HAPPY he is???

    Trusting a person’s actions is key. The actions MUST match their words. And if not, trust that they suck.

    • I’m pretty sure that my deceased (and now X) mother-in-law would have been very disappointed with both her sons, and would think in her mind that she didn’t raise them to be cheaters. That said, she’d still love them and welcome them into her home.

      Truthfully, though, I’d argue that she and her cheating husband did raise them to be cheaters. She knew her husband was cheating with a woman for over 20 years.

      I think both sons learned that it was normal to cheat, and there were no consequences to doing so.

  • Want to know how sincere cheater apologies are?

    Message from Hannibal received the day I filed for divorce, and he was trying to get me to rescind the petition: “I was a stupid fool to do what I did. I have been reading a lot of websites on rebuilding trust after an affair and I have finally gotten the message. I feel terrible about it. And I certainly have much more of a sense now of what you have been going through”

    Message from Hannibal a year after divorce when he is pissed off that I won’t talk to him, “Affairs happen,….. Relationships fail for a reason; and yes, whether you’ll ever admit it or not, you played your part in the failure of this one.”

    See–Sorry, not sorry.

    • Give him another year and he won’t mention the affairs at all. They will be conveniently wiped from his version of history. Instead, his story will change to the marriage failed because YOU just had too many problems, or were in some way unsatisfactory. He did his best, but you were beyond repair .

      • Exactly why I made him tell everyone that we had separated because of his main affair if he wanted any chance at reconciliation. And why I spill the beans about his Ashley Madison & Adult Friend Finder account to anyone who will listen.

        But you’re right, Glad–he’s already casting me as the crazy to friends because I rescued betta fish during the marriage, and now have 5 dogs (as Ohana put it, he’s portraying me, post-divorce, as the sad, lonely dog lady). These are eccentricities people can see, in a way they can’t see his persistent emotional abuse for the 19 years of the marriage (especially since I put on a positive public face). I’m getting closer to “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

        • Tempest and GIO – it would be great if they could wear their manipulative words like great helium balloons that follow them around (a girl can dream)! Yes, give them 5 minutes and their sincere ‘I wish I coulds’ will swiftly turn into ‘I just couldn’t’ and ‘hey, I did my best but like, she was deranged’. God, I do hate our exes! (Hannibal’s about face is particularly odious, and I’m sure his audience would be enlightened to know about it).

        • I was “vindictive” and got a nasty email from my ex-mother-in-law. This was because I had the audacity to tell others about his affairs, because I took half the money out of our joint bank account and did not disclose my individual bank account numbers.

    • Tempest, (its workin today :D)

      I noticed, in my confusion/anxiety after DDay, that satan ‘cycled’ through ‘personalities’ bout every 15 minutes. It was the oddest thing I have ever seen…cooing like a turtle dove one minute, raging and storming like a lunatic the next…narc or alcoholic or both? …wow huh…scary shit…

  • I was sorta, kinda thinking this one might be legit, until I got to the “regardless, I am going to break it off,” part. If he REALLY had done so much self reflection, he would have ALREADY called it off before sending this letter. Once I read that, I knew it was the same ol’, same ol’. He has no intention of “calling it off,” he just threw that out there as bait. If chump does not bite, he still has OW. If chump DOES bite, he still has OW.

  • Here’s an even shorter translation that sums it all up:

    “I wish I’d done a better job of not getting caught. ”

    The End.

      • I truly believe that if given a Delorean, they’d only go back and fix whatever mistakes they made that got them busted, but never undo the affairs. No way are they giving up the sex and their proof of how desirable they are as evidenced by the fact that someone will spread their legs/drop their pants for them.

  • I know this has come up before, but are there any chumps who feel bitter that they didn’t get an apology from their cheater? I didn’t get one. (I do not count my cheater’s “I’m sorry I couldn’t find a more productive way to tell you I was unhappy” as an apology.) This is purely academic. The betrayal hurts no matter what the fucktards say or don’t say afterwards. And their words or lack thereof are just as hollow.

    • I didn’t get one. When I told my cheater I knew of his affair, he said, “And your point is…?”

      At that time, I was playing into his fantasy so as to keep him from becoming all defensive, so I told him that I wasn’t going to stand in the way of his “twu wuv,” and I was seeing an attorney.

      His answer, “If that’s what you want.” He did repeat this as a question, “Are you sure you want this?”

      I had to reply that I’d thought rather deeply about it, and yes.

      I’d be fascinated to know if he’ll be sorry once Schmoopie burns through his money and credit, and dumps him for a younger, wealthier man, but I’ll hopefully be so far into “meh” that I won’t ever know.

      • “And your point is…?” The “point” would be the tip of a very sharp knife, administered mentally, of course. (I do not advocate violence.)

    • KE, I never got an apology and I no longer want one. It will never change the outcome of the ex’s betrayal and destruction of our family. Words are just words and he always said what he thought I wanted to hear and not what I should have heard and that was the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. My ex is a pathological liar and may he rot in Hell. In fact, Hell is way too good for the ar*sehole. 🙂

    • Well, yeah. “It’s purely academic,” but I wonder the same thing. I got no such emails from Match Girl. I wear it as a badge of honor most days. Perhaps you can too, Karma Express. You are simply too difficult to “work.” Your then-love has given-up on trying to pump you for kibbles. You are mighty (even if you can’t see it yet), and he has gone on to easier supply.

      Cheaters pull the wool over our eyes. Once we see them for who they really are we terrify them.

      • I got the apology a few times. No excuse for what she was doing. I did nothing wrong. I was a great husband. It was the biggest mistake she ever made. Always staring at the ground or crying while she told me. However, despite all the apologies and mistake bs, she refused to stop seeing my replacement. She told me that the first day she came home from work and confessed(although I had already figured it out). Took me 5 months from dday to full divorce. She apologized a few more times, but would never stop seeing her twu luv. Thank god. I was weak in the early days and if she had said she would stop seeing him I might have given her a chance. But since she did not, I got a pretty good divorce and did not waste any time trying to reconcile. Year and a half later she is still with the downgrade, I only know because she texted me recently some fortune cookie type lover stuff by mistake meant for her bf. Blocked her after that , email only. After 35 years together my goal is to never speak to her again. Kind of sad but more so for her. I am healing fast, prob only need another 5 years lol.

        • chew – that fortune cookie lover stuff she texted wasn’t by accident – I’d bet my life on it. She did it deliberately to get a rise from you. Sorry, but I’ve heard too many stories of ex-lovers accidently texting intimate stuff to believe for a second that it’s anything but deliberate. You did well to block her further. Maybe she was having a bad day with her twu lurve – maybe she just wanted to see if you were still on the hook. Your non-response was a perfect answer to that 😀

          • Jayne,

            You could be right I guess. She did the same thing about 6 months prior. I tend to think she is just a fool but you could very well be right. Either way no response was definitely the way to go. A couple days after she emailed me that she was sorry, she knows how much that text hurt me because she was still suffering from sending it. Rather disordered. I did not respond to that either. I am all business, I only correspond with her when its related to my son, and he is in college so it is not very often.

      • I’ve never gotten emails, or any faux apologies, or offers to reconcile.

        I always thought that made it even worse, like I wasn’t even desirable.

    • I didn’t get an apology either, and reading that email made me a little bit wistful, even though I know it’s BS. Cheater didn’t bother with any fake remorse because, you know, the affair was MY fault because I was so mean, cold and sexless…

    • No apology here just a bunch of anger and the “I’ll always be in your life” which I consider a threat.
      I’ve learned here that the apology wouldn’t mean much anyway it would just be slight of hand to achieve some other misdeed or illusion on his part.

    • Well, if a text message, “I’m sorry for things,” counts as an apology, then I guess I got one. But with my ex, any sort of attempt at “nice” only means he has something really bad planned, and is going to hurt me. That’s why I now have him blocked on my phone, Facebook and email.

    • KE – I am sorry you didn’t get an apology. You most sincerely deserved one (the arsehole should have at least PRETENDED – grrrr – you did too much for him to not even had that minor effort even if it was deceitful). And there’s the rub. In my experience, sorry just meant sorry I got caught. I heard it as ‘sorry I hurt you’ and that just took me away from ‘trust that he sucks’. In the end, the apology I got from ‘The Great I Am’ was a non-apology and actually was just a further piece of mindfuckery. We both deserved better – better in treatment and better in reparation. I’m really sorry we didn’t get it – our love was worth more than that.

      Fuck em, fuck em muchly, I say! 🙂 xxx

        • Yep Kar marie – D Day, they act like you’ve told them their arse is hanging out of their kecks – all shocked and ‘I didn’t know’. Sorry is definitely due, but until their caught, sorry is the last thing on their minds – ‘chuffed with themselves’ is a much better description.

    • KarmaExpress

      There was no apology. Just cruel insults. I believe he hated me. His behavior changed drastically after I called him on his previous behavior which cost me my home years ago. He was all over the place and the goal posts changed so rapidly I stopped participating. He was 57 with nothing to show for himself.

      He exoected me to get up the down payment for a retirement home without his contribution or a sustainable job in a warm climate. This was history repeating itself as he previously made promices the last time he up and moved and I lost my investment property and had to file bankruptcy.

      So the plan was that he was going to save this time and he had YEARS to develop a sustainable income yet did nothing. He saved and wanted me to purchase another investment property. I said NO. He never did a thing the last time and I had all the responsibility. WTF.

      Instead he waved his dream catcher and caught a skanky pig who thinks he’s such a gift. Well if he couldn’t get anywhere with me he certainly will never achieve anything with a bar whore.

      My therapist said it best. He can’t find anyone with intelligence or looks.

      Better than an apology he will never be able to blame anything on me anymore.

      • Yep, no apology here either. I was not surprised. When we first started dating I had told him that if our relationship went anywhere he’d better think long and hard before he made me a promise of fidelity if he couldn’t keep it. That would be a deal breaker. The first time. No do over, no second chances, ever.

        When he decided to announce his affair, he knew what that entailed. He was done. That was his total discard, right there, at that point. When I took my kids and left he tried to go scorched earth. He had started smearing me to everyone years beforehand so no one would believe me and I would be blamed. In the end, it was a hollow victory for me. Yes I got to kick him to the curb, but I and my little family paid dearly for it. Luckily, not many narcs stoop to the level of crazy cheater ex did.

  • I was entreated to grant him grace, because here he was *trying* to apologize.

    I said where was your grace FOR ME all those years you fucked other women? Huh? WHERE WAS MY GRACE.

    Where in there was a ANY talk of amends? Nope, those would be work, hard, unequal and all that.

    He expects to be taken back, forgiven and then … as if nothin happened? A lot happened, that he did cruelly, dishonestly and without empathy.

  • My ex-wife tried to batterram me with a similar approach except she wasn’t as articulate and left me a voicemail that sounded like she was tripping all over herself. She said something about how wonderful I am, how she will never meet anyone like me or have what she had with me with anyone else, that she’s sorry. She was so sorry that I had to remind her to come to court on the day of our divorce and she came from the OM’s house. Here’s the haunting part – she said, “I do love you”. OK, so much so that she continued sleeping with the OM and blew up my life.

    I should be used to it by now but I can’t help but be amazed at the way these invalids do and say the same things, over and over again. I

    • They all say the same things because there really isn’t anything else TO say. How many different ways does the English language allow for the same line of BS? Several, but not unlimited.

      *I’m sorry I didn’t do a better job of covering my tracks.

      *I wish you’d keep my secret and sit down like a silent little lamb so that I can screw whoever I want without worrying about you snooping or bitching about it.

      *I don’t want you, but I don’t want to lose half of everything, either. So I’ll play the field and have it both ways!

      *I want you, but I want every other option available, too.

      When it comes to cheaters, one (or some combination) of those lines pretty much sum it up.

    • Michael. – As someone who overstayed on the Island of Narcissus via a series of relationships with disordered people, I can now interpret your ex-W’s “I love you” sentiments.

      She meant she loves you for being a good husband to her, for all the things you did for her – and for not pummeling her when you found out about her affair. She’s saying she loves you for how you were to HER. However, it does not mean she can love you back in the same way. It’s not THAT kind of “I love you.”

      She’s also definitely “very sorry” to lose something she once had that was good. Her “I’m sorry” is not about feeling guilt or truly understanding what she did was wrong. If she had the conscience to know how much it would hurt you, the betrayal would have never happened.

      When I finally figured out that the narcissist’s version of “I’m sorry” and “I love you” is really from the All-About-Me perspective, the mismatch of their words and behavior started to make a little more sense. They’re only talking about their own losses, not the partner they’ve hurt. In my confusion, I had been projecting MY expectations of what love and apology should look like, on people who think totally opposite from me. They can’t do reciprocal love, honesty and mutual respect. There’s something seriously missing in them and there’s no fixing it.

      You’re free of that mess now. I hope your life is getting better, if it’s not already good!

      • KeepAwayNarcs said, ‘I can now interpret your ex-W’s “I love you” sentiments.
        She meant she loves you for being a good husband to her, for all the things you did for her…She’s saying she loves you for how you were to HER. However, it does not mean she can love you back in the same way. It’s not THAT kind of “I love you.”’

        THIS. From both my ex-boyfriend and my STBX. It’s taken me WAY to many years to recognize these liars. My ex-boyfriend, upon breaking up with me, said, ‘I care about you.’ The words were meaningless. In fact, they bordered on insulting in context. What he really meant was, ‘I am glad that you put up with being my Friend with Benefits although you said from the beginning that you wanted a serious relationship. I care about you the way I care about all my many other friends, although they don’t have sex with me and act as my devoted romantic partner (who would jump on a grenade for me).’

  • My cheater writes the same letters – “I’m so sorry, wish I could undo it, know you deserve better, I can never make it up to you but please let me try, I know you might never forgive me, please try for children, I was a selfish jerk, I did have inappropriate EAs but never ever anything physical, but I don’t expect you to believe me. I don’t want to live without you, I can’t believe what I’ve done to us, at the time I didn’t see it as wrong (so long as you didn’t find out) but yet I knew you wouldn’t like me flirting that way….”

    So many words, so often over and over that it starts to sound like the right words and as if he’s moved in the right direction, but I can see now after reading the UBT today, it means nothing. Or worse than nothing – and is just another twisted way to get to me. I really loathe him for jerking me around. Most especially for using “please try for the children!” Wtfh?! Like HE tried “for the children?” He did not give one single fuck. In fact, one of the many times I questioned him harshly, he actually got flustered and said “I don’t know! I guess I needed to feel as if someone LIKED me and I know I wasn’t thinking straight….wasn’t thinking of you or the kids.” I said “you would’ve had to pretend we just did not even exist in order to do the things you did!” Still flustered and getting angry, because I kept hammering away, he shrieked in reply “well, I guess that’s pretty much what I did. It had nothing to do with you guys! Can’t you see that? How I wasn’t thinking straight and would just pretend you didn’t exist?”

    Yeah, that’s MY PROBLEM! I can’t see it. That’s it. What that was – is the fucking last straw and there’s no taking that back ever. If ever a toenail’s worth of truth ever fell from his lying dirty lips, by God that was it. “I just pretended you didn’t exist.” Yeah? How about YOU explain THAT to our kids you sick sorry POS! See how they take it. He is one sick motherfucker.

    I don’t know how I let him get me all jacked up and twisted in the words. I guess Bc he knows finding out my life was based on a gigantic lie kills me and I can’t stand it for our kids. They’re already having major issues and divorce could send them over the edge. He’s working “out of town” a lot at my insistence. I don’t care wtf he’s doing so long as he pays the bills and supports the kids and stays the hell out of my face. I’m doing what I need to do for my kids (and myself Bc I can’t support us yet) and yeah he’s going to pay for it until I can do it myself. I’m saving and planning and so long as I can keep him out of my physical space and out of my head w his written “longings,” I’m ok. I’m pretending HIS sick cheating ass doesn’t exist. How’s THAT for karma- stupid rat bastard!

    He agrees to the arrangement Bc he is afraid I will ruin his image of course, and because he also believes I’m going to take him back at some point. Not happening. At some point I guess a switch gets flipped and you look at them and shudder. There’s nothing left but total disgust. Yeah some sadZ for the man I thought he WAS and the wasted decades….but I will get over that sooner than later. What I won’t get over is him fucking around and telling me he was able to do it quite easily because well, he just pretended we didn’t exist. As if that gives him a mental hall pass. “see how it really didn’t have anything to do with you or the kids, Chik?” Yeah, exactly that you dumbfuck.

    • ^^^^same, same, same old here as well. He needed attention from coworkers that he “had nothing in common with” to the extent that I finally noticed the constant texting while on a family vacation! Just attention, nothing more, Blah blah, he hardly had a friend growing up (BS) so he wanted to have female friends. To treat just “like male friends.” Except that he thought it was ok for her to send him “Anaconda” videos at work and take frequent coffee/lunch/drinks/walks with a woman 15 years younger. Sexual jokes-“That’s not innuendo because it wasn’t suggesting she and I doing something!” Um yes that’s a lot of innuendo.

      I also cannot fully support myself, not sure how to jump back into the publishing field after staying home with kids for 15 years. Wondering how to get him out so i can think straight.

      Also this went on while we were in counseling working on intimacy. ! After years of lying and secret porn habit and emotional abuse, and my sexual boundaries ignored. But he wants credit for working on himself!! Because he has anxiety! Oops, relapses are normal! I have a problem – I can’t just stop lying! It’s pathological- but i don’t need to see a doc! I need to get healthy! He swears there were no affairs but I can’t stay married to a black hole of information!

  • Funny how the disordered believe we are “all alone and lonely” without them. When the opposite is true. Looking back my marriage always made me feel empty, like I was always wanting more. On the surface we had everything but when one spouse is a Cheater a good marriage is the illusion. There is so much peace in living without the lie.

      • Me too, so much less lonely… I always think of His Royal Tox-Sickness and our marriage as standing on the very unstable crust of a lava flow. You can stand there, you are always dancing so your shoes don’t melt. You can stand there on this very thin crust and sometimes the lava flows quickly or sometimes it oozes but it is always lava, it is always moving and you are always dancing. You are always on the crust and your feet are always burning a little or a lot.

        I think what I am learning is how not to live with lava. I am not dating for a bunch of reasons but one of the reasons is that I want to get used to this feeling, of standing on a rock. A solid rock. This is what life should feel like. I am going to use that feeling to judge every person, not just romantic partners, who come into my life. If they make me feel unsettled. If they make me feel like I am standing on a lilly pad, or on anything unstable, they get the boot. But I have to learn and truly integrate that feeling into my being. I am not there yet.

      • I was wondering what a cheater apology should say. Here is what I think it should say.

        I am a very terrible person. I did something unforgivable and I can’t blame you for not wanting me in your life. I am going away now to work on myself. To go into therapy to learn to be a better and more honest and loving person. I will not contact you again but if we should run into each other, I hope I will be a better person by then, a truly better person, worthy of friendship. I hope by then and that we could be friends.

        What would a cheater letter say that would pass the UBT?

        • Good attempt ringinonmyownbell – but I’d still want to suck his eyeballs out via his anus (and not in a good way – I know too many of us had perverts who’d kinda like the idea)!

  • He is in the process of breaking it off with the OW? This is STILL not done. WTF?? If he really loved you AKA, as he claims, then by the time he sent you that letter, he should have *already* broken it off with the OW and told you he is absolutely no contact with her.

    But the fact that he wrote the letter, and has still not broken things off with the OW, means he is likely keeping the OW as plan B, in case AKA rejects him. And he will be *telling* his family what he’s done (a possibility in the future, nothing certain yet again). Someone who is serious about loving his wife, would have already DONE the things by the time they sent the apology letter.

    Not buying any of his apology, not one bit.

    • Well, I should also add… “I am not sure if I’m in love with her, but I do have a lot of feelings for her. Why don’t you see why this is so hard for me?” That’s the message I got after the above UBT’ed email. Ugh.

      • This is a totally a show on the WPM, the poor me channel. Can’t you see how sorry I am and so how much I deserve your sympathy? I have no intelligent reasoning so let me go after your feelings because I know you have empathy. (Can’t believe he actually used the word “empathy”) Oh, and I’m going keep sleeping with the OW until I know you’re a sure thing because daddy don’t like the dog house. So disordered!!!

        And he deserves a whack on the nose with a rolled up newspaper for the “…so hard for me” thing. And that’s being outrageously nice.

      • aka: “Why don’t you see why this is so hard for me?”

        He made his own mess, took you down with him and you’re supposed to feel sorry for him?? Wow, what an annoying jerk!

      • Seriously, aka? Why can’t you see why this is so hard for me? What a prize ass.

        He tore that mask off in record time.

      • AKA, when these truly disordered people talk about feelings, they don’t mean what we know as feelings. They mean that the other person feeds them kibbles, helps them fill the deep void where a conscience and empathy ought to be. So when they see a new supply, they don’t have the FEELINGS of empathy that would stop you or me from cheating, and thus hurting our partner. They have the feeling perhaps akin to how I feel when I see Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies. They are scarce! Get them now because thin mints will go away. Who cares about the consequences. So when he says he has feelings for the OW, he means that for the moment, she fills that void. She’s a source. Not a person to him. I think that’s the hardest thing for chumps dealing with Cluster Bs to understand. Our capacity for empathy, for bonding, for feeling a commitment, for valuing our history with the other person is utterly alien. I still remember Jackass saying that it was a shame for a 30-year friendship to end–as if that end had been caused by a meteor from outer space. He was sadly saying goodbye to a longtime kibble source. Me. Not a person–a Source. Read as much as you can. The Dr. George Simon resources at the top of the page will help you understand what they “feel.”

        • Thank you, I will look at the web page right now. It makes sense now. On Friday, he sent me a text saying “Baby, I need to see you. I love you. Please let me come home”. I didn’t respond. The next day he sent me a text letting me know that since I didn’t respond, he ran straight to the other girl Friday night and I wouldn’t understand why he did so because it was “compulsive”. You want to be with me, make it right, so you run to her? And then you tell me about it? Like you imply — he has an empty void to be filled with kibble/ narcissistic supply by anyone that may be available. Nonetheless, Monday I get this UBT’ed email. No matter how much this has hurt me, I am so glad that I am not him and that I can live my life with real feelings, real empathy, and real thoughts.

  • He’s lied for years. Why would anything he said to me or anyone else be the truth? I just don’t give a shit anymore what comes out of his mouth because… I picture just that, shit. When he talks I get a mental image of his face as an asshole and him squeezing out another turd.

    On a happy note, guess who is being sued by his previous employer for lying after he signed a confidentiality agreement? Glad I filed the divorce paperwork before that came down. Can’t stop laughing as I ride the karma bus that just hit him.

  • AKA

    The letter is sad AKA. It makes me pity him for his actions after all he is flawed. Yet he places contingencies on making amends. They really never think of the outcome after they are caught do they? To be an afterthought in the life of a spouse is the most horrible feeling.

    • No, kidding. My ex told me how horrible I was, “no fun, every word out of my mouth was annoying, I’m not normal, etc.” Then within a few months, he wanted me to be friends with him. When I told him if we divorced, I never wanted to see him again, his response was “Well, I might as well kill myself then.” It took every ounce of self control I had to say “No, we’ll just move on and live happy, separate lives.” instead of “Go ahead. I’ll get more money that way!” By the way, he’s still alive and well messing with other people’s lives.

  • Here’s one for the UBT! How many times is there an “I” in this BS email.

    “What I’ve done has added a new dimension of sadness to my being. I’m so very sorry, you are a wonderful woman and deserve so much better. I will for always be in love with you and I will for always regret my decisions. I will never heal from this. I hope and pray that you find happiness. I miss you and if you ever need me I’ll be there for you. This will be the last time that I reach out to you. I guess I just needed to say goodbye. One day I hope that you find it in your heart to forgive me. I love you, you’ll always be my Alibears!!! You’re my greatest love, we could have had such an amazing adventure…..I’m so very sorry.

    Yours, always and forever.

    Cheater”

    Ya, he’ll be there forever for me and love me forever, until I don’t give him the response he wants, then it turns out I’m a whore and a cunt.

    • How many times is it possible to get “I” into a paragraph. Just me me me me me.
      So sorry, although not sorry you got rid of him.

    • Aowlee, he’s SO textbook asshole. His actions are getting rather predictable! Next, he will flip back with the “me nice and sorry” hoovering attempt (but you’re not going to forget his lies and insults toward you .. because that’s who he really is).

      You DO deserve someone better and it will never be HIM. He lost a good person and it was all HIS fault. There shall be no other spin for that. Just sail on, Girl! Wave bye-bye to DunderHead..

      • Amen to that! I see who he truly is now (and surprisingly not unique), and I’ll never forget that.

    • “if you ever need me I’ll be there for you”

      uh – you needed him and he wasn’t there for you. you were his spouse and he wasn’t there for you.

      now that he’s a confirmed betrayer, an egregious cheater, he suddenly has the capacity and commitment to be there for you? No.

      • Amen! Wish there was a like button. This is the same reason I’m not friends with my ex. He had the entire marriage to show me what kind of friend he was and he did.

    • I’m so so sorry. 🙁 It irritates me that he throws in what a great adventure you could have had as if you are really missing out. That’s the kind of thing that would have brought me to tears when I was newly divorced and grieving. You know what though, YOU will have a great adventure and it will be much greater because he isn’t in it. I think what he really means when he says that is that HE will miss out on a great adventure for being so self centered and dumb enough to hurt such a great woman.

    • “if you ever need me I’ll be there for you”…yeah I heard something like that “if you ever change your mind, I’ll be here”.
      When I told my therapist she laughed (snorted really) and said, “yeah right. He never was before”…

      Truer words have never been spoken.

  • Well since mine lied and screwed for over four years, I don’t really see how one can believe any word that comes out of her mouth. Truth is, if I had not discovered her actions, she would still be sneaking off and getting some on the side! I have heard it all….. Wish I could take it back… Lets be broken together…. We can be better after all this… and much much much much much more! I hope she does figure it out and become a better person…. I would hate to know she would do this to another human being out there! I really have tried to wrap my brain around working it out…. what I cant get past is the lies, the total lack of respect for my health (no protection) the attacks on my sanity and the visuals I get when I am around her…. These individuals just need to fade away and let us chumps be! That would show they care!

  • Yes Karma Express, I felt bitter about not getting an apology for a long time, but now it has eased into acceptance – I focussed on that no-apology and was still asking WTF happened by the time he was on live-in-GF #4. It took me that long.

    It all falls into place though with CL’s clarity and time, lots of healing time – I look at the no apology, the quick filing for divorce (on his part), the rage and insults he hurled at me because I hired a lawyer and realize actions speak volumes. How dare I get a lawyer when he filed? I didn’t follow his game-plan – I guess I should have just rolled over and played dead, the divorce would go through and he would be scot-free after 31 years together. The nerve of me!
    Then his stalling tactics with the divorce process which just ramped up the costs for me. He called me and was really nice to me, saying there was no need for the divorce (truth was, things were going south with then-GF). By then he was already on Plenty of Fish and met GF2 before breaking up with #1. When I refused to stop the proceedings and fire my lawyer, the nastiness was back and he refused (still does to this day) to acknowledge me, even as the mother of his children. The divorce went through after 3 years (he stalled that long). I was the baddie because the money I “wasted” on the lawyer should have gone towards our children’s university fees.
    The Judge granting me spousal support only fueled his anger towards me even more and I am just a mean, evil ex-wife.

    The only “apology” I received was that he was only protecting me from hurt and that’s why he lied and denied for 31 years and that he was merely “a product of his country”. WTF??? I know of many South African men who never cheated.
    He was a serial cheater our entire marriage and completely fooled me, our children and everyone else. He was “sorry” after Dday#1 (sorry he was caught) and then there was Dday#2 when he realized the jig was up, I was a discard, with no looking back at all.
    Now, when I look at the situation and my life as it is now, I say fuck that noise!
    I am glad now he did take that route – it effectively was a gift to me. I dated for a while, but now the mere thought of sharing my space with anyone else is enough to stop any romanticizing of meeting my soul-mate in it’s tracks. I am happy in my space and still working on my inner dialogue that tells me to over-explain or justify myself in my deep need to be understood.
    I am learning that it is enough that I understand myself.
    I am practising not explaining or justifying myself, saying no when I don’t want to, examining why I try to help others to the extent that I do at my own expense, getting my financial house in order and am trying to prioritize having a social life while balancing a full-time and a part-time job on the side. That is enough and I am enough.
    Their actions do speak volumes, we just have to listen.

    • Hear Hear Lynne – great post! Over-explaining myself is definitely a legacy still lingering over me from both husbands. It’s years of counter-acting the gaslighting / blameshifting. I’m getting better, but it’s still there!

  • The skankboy, apologized, cried, apologized some more for hurting me, never apologized for the affair. The apology meant nothing to me. I couldn’t get his shit into the Hefty garbage bags quickly enough!!! Hasta La Bye-bye, Babeeee!

    • Translation: You have more balls than I thought. I’m so very sorry I hurt you now merely because I’m experiencing real consequences for my actions, as I should!

  • CL’s UBT is always spot on…..however, I’d like to toss out a quick version that I believe is true when a cheater says or writes something like today’s post:

    “I’m between women at the moment so I’m trolling through my list and sending/saying things like this to see if I can reel you in again. If it works, great, if not, on to the next one.”

    • Or a darker version of that:

      “Everyone around me has figured me out, so I am running low on sources of narcissistic supply. Congratulations, you won the pick me dance. I have decided to give you another shot at having me come ruin your life. Interested?”

  • Wonderful words and you deserve to hear them BUT anyone who loves you protects you from such horrors. Now you love you and protect you from more horror.

    He Is lost and wants control back and he thought no further out from that. He is coming to you to release his pain not yours.

    No contact. Love you. Block him. If these leak again delete and do not read.

    Mine said such beautiful things… But gave me horror. When you heal you you will see you should have never been with him to begin with. A healed you would have not accepted the way he loves.

    • Amen, to that…”anyone who loves you protects you from such horrors.” I’m putting that on my refrigerator to keep reminding me to never take him back! TY.

    • “Mine said such beautiful things… But gave me horror. When you heal you you will see you should have never been with him to begin with. A healed you would have not accepted the way he loves.”

      Wow Jackie ^^^^ this!!! Absolutely true and beautifully said. Love this <3

  • When cheater ex made his final pitch to reconcile, we were already divorced and he was living with the final OW (well, final to me, but highly likely not [i]the[/i] final OW). He said, “If I could only turn back time, I would.” I didn’t fall for that shit and he told me, “I’m an asshole,” and I calmly replied, “Yes, you are.” Six months later, he married the OW. Yeah, he was really sorry.

  • The XH had the audacity to tell me he loved me so much but he was capable of loving ‘many people’. Oh yeah? That makes me feel better. You only love yourself butt-wipe.

  • “there’s probably no point in trying to explain or rationalize why I did what I’ve done or the lies that I’ve told you”

    It cracks me up that this phrase is ALWAYS – no exceptions – followed by reams of explanations and rationalisations for what they’ve done and the lies they’ve told us.

  • I’ve said this before also, but these letters are always written with more than one reader in mind. There’s always one eye cocked on an audience somewhere else.

    These are the letters cheaters like to keep copies of, so they can show it to your friends, or your family, or their OW, as proof of just how They Tried To Heal Things And Move Forward In A Good And Respectful Way, But You Wouldn’t Even Meet Them Half-Way.

    The only correct response is Silence While Wishing Devoutly That They Would Shove It Up Their Ass.

    • Amen Sister;

      A wise Old Owl sat in their Oak
      The more they saw the less they spoke
      The Less they spoke the more they heard
      We should all be more like that wise bird!

      Good Bless all of you, Tracy and the Mighty Chump Nation!

      • I love this nursery rhyme! It’s so true. Listen and watch – that’s when one is more tuned in to what their actions tell us. It helps maintain our dignity too, watching, listening and finally seeing them for what they are.
        No longer a young chick, on my way to become wise ol’ bird! (…With cats.)

  • This could’ve been written by my X. In fact, he has written several just like it. Silence is golden. Don’t even bother dignifying this drivel with a response.

  • “You are a sweet, sensitive, generous person that deserves much better than the way I’ve treated you.”

    That’s called “Being put in the friend zone.”

  • Bit off topic. But, being in the very competitive world of dog-showing. I would sit alone (with my dog) on my balcony and listen to all the other contenders talking about their day and who was evil and who was not. Very interesting convos to hear. Talk about the more I heard, the more the I wanted to sit quietly. People drink. lol – get’s them very loose. All good info to take in. I guess it’s a bit like when I was following the X online. It’s not in my nature at all (I’m not that competitive) but, when it came to the asswipe’s cheating, I guess, I learned a few things from the dog shows. Keep you mouth shut when you get good info.

    • SheChump, I think what you are experiencing is self awareness. It is very liberating and powerful. And yes, you do become an observer and move inward knowing the difference between healthy and unhealthy people and situations.

  • And I think that if she doesn’t reply to his boundary-busting email, his next email to her will be a BLAST OF ANGER email! Let’s wait and see what happens next…. That’s usually the pattern.

    • Yup, this mirrors the pattern I am used to. CL was correct about the mindfuck station only having 3 channels.

  • This is my ex to a T. All sorts of “why won’t you talk to me?” and all that. I did eventually break NC (after a year mind you) to tell him to stop or I’d go to the police. 6 months later I got the “apology email” which was riddled with false-equivicating. If he really respects my boundaries (and ME) he’d leave me alone…like I asked in the first place!! I agree, I think he was just trying to see if there was anything there he could take.

  • All of the above. It’s like we were married to the same person. I finally went no contact two days ago after his last round of “I’m sorry I want to come home” “you made every night hell for me.” “You will always be my family.” Mindf’ery. It’s been a year of this as he traipses across the country with the half his age younger woman and sexts his harem. After I blocked him he called his mom’s phone (she still lives with me!) and I again told him I had blocked him. He demanded that I unblock him and “be reasonable.” I decided then to get off of the “I hope one day he will pick me” roller coaster/ferris wheel. I am still hurting and know I will have to deal with him over the next few months, but no longer will I be subjected to these text which f me up for a couple of days. No more hopium for me. And I told him That we are NOT family and we will NOT be pals.

    • I forgot to mention what precipitated the final coup de gras. it’s nothing exciting, but sometimes enough is enough: after the latest round of “I want to come home” bs (no response), need to see you (why? No thanks. He came over anyway) and the “we will always be family” token, I found out his divorce lawyer is the new chump’s mom’s divorce attorney. And yes, NC’s (new chump) mom, I am told,is unhappy about the situation with her daughter and a “man” twice her age. he told me he got the guys number from “someone else”, then asked how I found out (it’s public record available on the Internet for free and I am a lawyer), I have no doubt NC gave it to him. Fool. That was the final straw.

  • Welllllll, ChumpNation, I am in the camp of “It will never happen, I will never get such a letter/email/text like this…”

    The last Sunday I got our daughter back from TEO, he wanted to talk, claiming that he “…wants [daughter] to have a happy life…that he wants us to get along, but I seem to have a problem with [OWife}…” to which I responded with, “No, it’s not her, it’s YOU!!!” and went on to explain to him (yet again) all the reasons I have a problem with him, describing in grand detail just how much of a fucking asshole he was before, during, and since our divorce was final…

    He stood there taking it acting somber, humble, sad— actual tears in his eyes at some points —

    At one point he did say, “Yeah, I fucked up…nothing I can do about it now…”

    I made it very clear that if he wanted more day to day knowledge, participation in our daughter’s life, then he had to man up and do more on a daily basis- he claimed that he works “14 – 16 hours a day to make sure that [she] gets what she needs and that [he] can pay his child support…” I snapped back, “Good!!!” (that stunned him)… and that he barely sees OWife (he STILL hasn’t told me they are married) and her two kids but “about 15 minutes day” I retorted, “More than [daughter] gets out of you a day!” …

    I then called him out about him coming back to me several times over the summer to be with me, but dating OWhore at the same time- his response (wait for it…) “I was confused…” OMG, I wanted to claw his eyes out at that, but remained cool and calm- I was really surprised at how cool I was with him telling him all the reasons and giving examples of what my “problem” was with him…

    I left that gas station feeling like, I can only describe it as BLAH!, not feeling “TOWANDA!!!” or anything victorious. Then it hit me a few days later, I felt like UGH because I fed his stupid ass kibbles- even though I didn’t cry, talk about giving me a second chance, etc. NOTHING like that, but I guess I felt blah about it because nothing I say will ever affect him- he’ll never change, he has his new wife, family; he has a whole new life and doesn’t give two shits about what he abandoned.

    He sucks, and I’m MEH.

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