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Finding a Friend You Can Confide In

friendsToday’s guest blog post is from UXWorld about reaching out to a fellow chump from his past, and how hard it is to decide to confide in someone. — Tracy

By UXWorld

A recent Forums post by fellow chump @Hesatthecurb ponders how compelling it can be to reconnect with someone that you have history with, and the risks that can come with attempting a reconnection if one or more of the participants are looking for trouble. Sigmund Freud recommended tossing a coin when considering difficult decisions – not as a means of determining what to do, but rather to helping to recognize how one really feels about the matter, deep down inside. After tossing the coin, ask yourself whether you are pleased or disappointed with the outcome. With that as a basis, you’ll then be ready to make up your mind and come to the right decision.

When I first started getting a sense that something was going horribly wrong with the open marriage arrangement that my STBXW asked for, I knew I needed to unburden myself to someone or go stark raving mad. I was far too embarrassed to admit anything to my immediate or extended family, and I didn’t trust anybody in my circle of acquaintances enough with anything this personal. My thoughts kept returning to a person I knew would listen with empathy and fairness, advise with thoughtful (and if necessary brutal) honesty, and above all make sure that I was tapping the inner strengths I knew I possessed and to act in my own best interest.

This was a person from my past — a person of the opposite sex with whom I’d lost contact for some 20 years. There was never any emotional or romantic involvement — in fact, she’d been the girlfriend and eventual wife of one of my college fraternity brothers. As a Native Bostonian trying to navigate the shocks of assimilating into the culture at a midsize Indiana university, she was one of the people who took much of the sting out of suddenly being so far away from everything and everyone I knew and loved.

The friendship between the three of us was a strong one, and I was one of the attendants at their wedding. When he walked out on her a few years later (she was several months pregnant), there was no question as to who I would stand by and support. We remained in close contact throughout her pregnancy, but after the birth of her daughter, she became involved with a man who brought joy back into her life, so I backed off. We had lunch when I announced that I was moving back east after 9 years in the Midwest, and we lost touch. There were a few attempts to reconnect in the ensuing 20 years, but nothing that stuck.

When my own marriage began to crumble, I took a chance and reached out to her via Facebook. The message was: “There’s a lot going on with me, and I’m thinking you’re the only one who can help me through it.” Her response: “Let’s make time to talk! You’ve also been on mind a lot lately…” You might now be guessing the outcome — she had once again been chumped after 23 years, was in the early stages of formal separation, and needed some in whom to confide.

She’s been my hero throughout my nightmare, and has been emphatic in telling me that I’ve been hers. She’s the one who directed me to the Chump Lady book and website, which have been my second greatest sources of support and validation. She’s also the one who gave me the best piece of advice I received throughout the ordeal: “You’ve got to find your own truth – you know by now that you’re not going to get any truth from her.”

Reconnection may well be viewed as a coin toss with two possible outcomes, but when viewed through the prism of Chumps and Cheaters, the outcomes may not be equally likely.

One side of the coin is grounded in empathy, character, integrity and the genuine love and concern one can have for a fellow human being. Call it Heads, as it relates to the output of the more honorable aspects of our humanity.

The other side of the coin is grounded in ego, vanity, entitlement, and a need to satisfy one’s desires with willful disregard for, or non-recognition of, the well-being of others. Call it Tails, as it relates to output of . . . well, what comes out the other end.

As chumps, we should all be thankful that the odds are ever in our favor that the coin will come up Heads.

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  • This was a very well thought out article. I truly enjoyed it. Thanks to both of you.

    • Thank you Uxworld. I too am a male chump and have difficulty finding somebody to confide in because of both the embarsement and having been isolated from, or lost track with, good friends over the years.

      I think part of the embarrassment on my part is having confided with a couple of close friends after D-day 1 five years ago and then pick me danced frantically and remained in he relationship despite them both advising that she was PD. I had thought she was recommited, we had a lovely daughter while in our forties (our third child), but it was all a lie. She remained a covert serial cheater and her cluster B traits rose to the surface.

      Now after D-day 3 and being discarded and replaced, I dont want to put my few friends through that again. My only confident has been my therapist, but that 1 hour every 3 weeks is not enough. Thank goodness for CN – knowing I am not alone has been a real lifesaver and inspiration to “leave a cheater and get a life”!

      Long way of saying that your post has inspired me to consider reaching across time and distance to a trusted old friend or two for support. Thank you.

  • You were fortunate to have a friend like her to confide in…I got bits and pieces from one person or another but no real tried and true stalwart friends in real life. My attempts to connect with people that failed felt especially painful too. I reached out to my brother (my only sibling) only to learn that he was a cheater. ew.

    In the end it was virtual friends who pulled me through. Patsy (here) has been my online friend for 10 + years – living a continent away.

    • Im going to correct myself a wee bit…one person in real life who listened and supported and was decent and reliable was deadhusbands sister. She is a bit flaky but i this situation, she really came through. When I wrote my will, I included her (but not the other sister, she is a bitch and a cheater).

      • Gee, UNM, its been that long?
        Boy, do we have the Epic Chump award – hanging on to marriage and commitment and trying desperately to keep our families together in the face of serious disrespect and emotional abuse.
        Your husband was just horrible to you whilst expecting you to [? what? What was he expecting?], and you were so noble enduring it and seeing his better side.

    • Since 10 years ago was per-CL, how did you and Patsy connect??? Just curious!

      • On another board that focused on life crisis situations. I wouldn’t call it part of the the RIC, most of the posters are in the process of trying to rebuild a new life after spousal meltdown and there is a lot of “protect yourself, you cant fix this” sort of talk. I will admit that I was the Queen of “maybe there is hope and your marriage can be saved!”…I apologize to the universe for my misguided efforts.

        There was actually a small cluster of wreckoncilers slugging along for a couple of years (with me & Patsy among them) and within a few months the marriages all imploded. That was the end of the most RICish talk on that site…the “marriage repair” section has nothing but crickets and old spider webs.

  • Great post. I am heads. Asswipe doesnt even qualify for tails. Hes worse. Hes a pod.

  • I was very lucky to still have a few close friends after nearly 20 years with XH. One of them,despite not bring a Chump herself, was my rock, there was a very big time difference due to us both living on different continents but she listened for hours to my heart broken sobs after DDay 1 & his brutal discard months later just before Xmas . My ‘lovely’ neighbours turned out, disappointingly, to be mere Switzerland inhabitants. And it was my best friend since Art college that helped me through with her sense of humour and, of course,my big sister with her practical ‘life’ skills, yes she may have not fully understood (just get over it)but she bailed me out with finance and board and lodging in the initial years. I am still distrustful of many nowadays but I have gotten better – I only wish I could have had a ‘ chump friend’ who completely understood the gas lighting etc. as sometimes I think my sister and BF think I am making things up- or over exaggerating lol.

    • “as sometimes I think my sister and BF think I am making things up- or over exaggerating lol.”

      They’ll believe you if it happens to them. Then they’ll understand what gaslighting is about. Until then, they may not have much empathy for this, until they find themselves on the receiving end of shitty behavior like this.

  • This gives me hope. I have been on the fence about trying to find an old friend who was in my wedding 19 years ago. After I had my first child, she visited me and then I never heard from her again. This was back before cell phones and home computers. A couple years ago i saw a mutual friend of ours and when I asked where has “she” been? I was told that she thought I had the perfect life and family so she didn’t want to upset my life because hers wasn’t going so well. When I heard this, I just thought that was kinda selfish of her. It had been 10 years later at this point. I tried to find her but that was before Facebook and she moved away. Recently, I have looked for her on Facebook, the phone book-nothing. But I may use spokeo or some other source now that I see how well its worked out for uxworld. It’s a coin toss for sure -but I really could use a friend who knew me before I knew him. She was one of the only friends I had before he isolated me from everyone. im now wondering if he told her not to bother with me? I really need to know. I’ve found out over the years that he’s a sick sadistic freak who messed with everyone I loved. He’s such a coward who is continuing to turn everyone against me since I left him. Why? I just don’t get it. He sucks!

    • I don’t think she’d mind if I told you this — when we were able to meet face to face this past spring, I asked her straight out: “Was (her fuckwit) part of the reason we never remained closer in touch?” She admitted that he had a problem with my presence in her life — part of the isolation tactic characteristic of some cheaters, likely intensified because a was an unrelated member of the opposite sex. In a cheaters mind, that can only lead to one thing.

      This is not to speculate on why your friend seems so out of reach. I say this only to stress that it’s not necessarily apathy or disinterest — you never know the real reasons might be. She may need you as much as you need her. I’d keep trying.

      • I agree. We can’t speculate why your friend is out of reach. And what does having a good life have anything to do with your life not going well. My friends all have better lives than me, all had better childhoods and all have children, while I’m still single and don’t have children. I don’t stop interacting with them because they have infinitely more blessings than I do. Everyone is different and you can’t compare lives. I’d keep trying.

        • I found a good friend I lost contact with after about 20 years by Googling her name. She had changed names, moved a good distance away, and we lost track when I was married to creepy first husband cause he hated for me to have friends.

          Anyway, a photo of her showed up, I found her married name, them contacted her on Facebook. Ironically, we were born a few weeks apart and I found out we both have one child and they were born weeks apart. That wouldn’t be to weird, but we were both in our forties when they were born.

      • Hey guys -thanks. I did Google her name but nothing so far. I will keep trying.

        • Try InstantCheckmate- if you know her approximate age or current state of residence. Fairly cheap for one month, just don’t forget to cancel.

    • If you can’t find her, Google her parents or siblings. If she changed her name, she may show up there as a connection.

  • Great post, UXWorld. I think it takes real bravery to reach back in time to an old confidante particularly at a time of such vulnerability. I’m glad you found the support you needed. I reconnected briefly with my best friend from high school because I knew her partner had experienced much the same experience as I was going through. She was very supportive (in her own way) but didn’t have the time or inclination to offer more than just one email. Few have the patience to be there for the rumination stage of recovery and I cannot say that I blame them. I myself am sick of it too!

  • After my ex wife cheated and dumped me I met a fellow chump on DS support website, she lives across the country from me. 2 and a half years later we still text all the time and confide in each other. She’s a great friend. I didn’t have anyone really close at home to keep the untangling conversation alive the first year of hell so she and I pooled our resources like Chumplady site and Baggage Reclaim and various books and really experienced a kind of an awakening together, 3000 miles apart..! We still text several times a week, I consider her one of my best friends and confidantes.

  • UXWorld, provocative post; thank you. My self-esteem was far too crushed to have attempted to reach out to someone in my past, let alone someone from the opposite sex.

    Instead, I found a counselor who helped me through my feelings of betrayal, abandonment, fear and anger, both toward my cheating X and at my own failure to act when it was clear he was a total loser five years into our sham of a marriage. My picker AND my self worth were my undoing, and it was important to both examine and fix both.

    I’m glad I paid a professional to help me through such a dark time of divorce and self-evaluation. It was too much for any friend to have taken on and I was far too vulnerable.

    I’m also thankful I found Chump Lady. This community has given me such validation that I had a shit marriage, but that it doesn’t have to define me as a woman. I believe we are all people of value and deserving of respect. We have the battle scars to prove that we refuse to give up.

    • I think it is best to seek the help of a professional. Yes, it is wonderful to have a friend to confide in, but in order to truly process what happened and how to avoid a future replay, I think it is critical to find an experienced therapist. I understand that not everyone can afford the expense, but for those who can, it is a lifesaver. Plus, there is not the concern that your private information will somehow become public knowledge. I was not in a position to assume that my private pain would not become public fodder, so my therapist really became my life line to sanity. I began to recognize a number of patterns, which began in my childhood, where I took on the role of “savior”, often at great personal cost. I learned that many of my “ghosts in the nursery” had haunted me for much of my adult life. To get to where I am now took a great deal pf self-examination, but I am so happy I made the decision to find a good therapist.

  • Really thoughtful post–thanks. I found that I could talk to the people in my life who had been chumps themselves.

    But–I also learned that when they’ve moved past some of the stages we may be in (initial fury, shock, despair…) they may not want to revisit that episode of their own lives. And I can understand that! So it’s a mixed thing.

    I rely mostly on my therapist for clarity, honestly–she’s the one who tells me that ex is not wired right–tech talk about narcissism from a pro is very helpful! She reaffirms that what I’ve been through is abuse; she persistently tells me to take my time and do what I need to do for healing and not demand of myself that I snap out of it, or just move past…

    In some ways however, I’ll note that the abandonment by people I thought were friends in the wake of disaster city is a devastation I am still trying to sort. So, in terms of UXW’s piece, being careful about who you talk to and what you say is really a good piece of advice.

    • “. . . being careful about who you talk to and what you say . . . ”

      I agree this is great advice. The impossible can be true when it comes to cheating. If you are talking to a long-term, close married buddy whose wife and family has been very close to your family for more than a decade, it may be inconceivable that he was more than a friend to your serial cheater. But some cheaters do cheat with their spouse’s very close friends.

      • “But some cheaters do cheat with their spouse’s very close friends.”

        I know a couple where this happened. They had 3 very young kids and the husband cheated on the wife with her best friend. Right before the cheating came out, we heard him complain that one kid pukes, the other one is sick all the time, the third one bla bla bla. I thought it was strange he was complaining about his own kids in a disgusted way. Like he coudln’t be bothered.

        I also have a family friend, her husband cheated on her with her best friend as well. They were married and her best friend would always ask for help from her best friend’s husband. She needed this fixing and that fixing around the house. And lo and behold, one day, the husband comes home and tells his wife that he’s leaving her for her best friend. Yikes.

  • Great article, UX World.

    I guess one of my issues is that I’m kind of a loner by nature, and issues in my past ( further back than cheater, all the way back to childhood) make it hard for me to really get close to others. It is like just a general mistrust of my fellow humans. To complicate it even more, the few people I would trust the most (sister, couple of friends) don’t have experience with adultery so they are willing but not really able to help. I guess that is why this site is so helpful.

  • I was very fortunate to have 2 good friends plus a sister counselor and Stephen minister to listen to my verbal vomit and anguish. It has been 10 months and I am working my way toward meh. Forgiving myself is a work in progress particularly since I didn’t recognize that he couldn’t love his family we were just frosting on a cesspool of his making..and I didn’t remove my children as a result. I am being the sane parent and am eternally grateful that the kids didn’t have him in their lives much (always too busy “working”late).

  • Great post Uxworld. I was lucky because my sister was the first person I confided in after dday and she lives locally. She supported my decision to stay with the ex and was my constant shoulder to cry on. When I decided to leave, she supported that decision too. She’s been my rock. We had a re-connection of sorts because I didn’t see a lot of my family while I was still married.

    Actually one of the many positives of leaving a cheater was gaining my family back. It’s important to have people in your corner when something like this happens so it’s nice to know that your friend from Indy has been there for you!

  • Unrelated to today’s post – but not totally. I’ve been curious about UXWorld’s user name. Assuming you are reading today UXW, can you share?

    • 🙂

      You’re not the first person to ask, and it’s something that’s turned out to be an unintended reference.

      I was not in a creative frame of mind when I joined here, so I just used part of my gmail name. The “UX” in “UXworld” references my occupation, and I use that gmail account for correspondence regarding a book I wrote on the topic.

      However, it was pointed out to me by somebody in the forums that ‘ux’ is the latin abbreviation for ‘wife’ (‘uxor’ being the full term). Me being a male, the wife reference is entirely coincidental but ironic given my circumstances.

      For a while I played with the idea of making it more creative and appropriate (‘UxSux’?) or expand on the latin (UxorDolus = “wife cheat”) but I once I became familiar to many here I decided to stay with the current.

      • Does UX stand for User Experience by any chance? My son is in UX, got his masters in it at SVA in New York. Its a fascinating and lucrative field.

        • Yes, it does. For those not familiar, UX basically means using research and design methods to make online websites and interfaces more user-friendly, satisfying, engaging, etc. in order to meet business goals.

          I have friends who have asked me 4-5 times to explain what I do for a living, and they still don’t get it. Recently I gave up and told one of them: “I park the cars.” 🙂

          • Thank you for making me laugh today UXworld. Dev world does seem hard for ppl to grasp, not just your particular part of it.

  • Like some others have said, dealing with Switzerland friends and (non cheater related) just plain fake friends has been difficult. There are a lot of users and shallow people out there (ex is a prime example). And some aren’t either of those, we just really don’t have much in common. High school friends want to talk about high school, work friends want to talk about work, etc. What is a person to do ?

  • Thanks for sharing, UXWorld. Very good information.

    Like others have mentioned, the first person I confided in was my sister. Her first husband was a cheater and they divorced after about 5 years of marriage. She’s been remarried for a long time now to a really good guy. When I discovered that my husband was cheating, she was just as shocked as I was. She helped me tremendously during the first few months that I was secretly gathering evidence, went with me to meet with a divorce attorney, held the tissue box while I cried endlessly, stood by me when I kicked him to the curb, got frustrated with me when I spent months in fake reconciliation, and supported me through the divorce process. She even let me live with her for a couple of weeks after the marital house sold when my new place wasn’t ready yet. Our relationship isn’t perfect by any means but she was there for me when I needed her most – and for that, I will be eternally grateful.

    • ByeBye, my sister was my rock as well when I was going through my divorce. I called her and cried to her for almost 2 years straight. She was understanding, patient and provided the words that I needed to hear and I thank God for her everyday.

      Then, 2 years later, she starts an emotional affair with a man from her past. She plans and schemes and gets her ducks in a row. After talking with this guy in secret for 2 years, she packs up the car and leaves with the other man to go across the country. She left during the day and simply left her husband a note – which conveniently left out the part where she left with another man. Her husband called me, hearbroken, distraught, in panic. I tried to be as supportive as I could under the circumstances.

      2 weeks into it – it now becomes a “trial separation” (which was never the intention or mentioned before) – 3-4 weeks later, she decides this new life is not what she expected and she moves back home. He takes her back and all of the words I intended for support, are thrown back in my face like they were said to hurt her!

      I truly wish I could have been there for her like she was for me. I just simply couldn’t because of the circumstances. If she didn’t want to be married anymore, she should have gotten rid of what she had before she started something else. There were options, she just wanted to do what she wanted to do. I told her that I wanted her to be happy, but I could not condone what she was doing, I was her sister and I love her, but I disagreed with what she was doing the whole way. There was no misunderstanding where I stood on the subject.

      My sister has been back almost a full year, and I haven’t seen her once. She doesn’t live far and we have spoken via IM or text, but that is far and few in between and I’m very sad because of that. We are broken and I don’t really think there’s any coming back from it. I’m angry, hurt and very sad about the whole thing.

      How can a Chump support a cheater? I just simply couldn’t in the way that she wanted me to and I’m now beating myself up over that too!

      • Kimberly – ‘How can a Chump support a cheater? I just simply couldn’t in the way that she wanted me to and I’m now beating myself up over that too!’

        THIS is a very good question.
        More often than not, I’ve met and talked to cheaters, not fellow chumps.
        I’m sitting there, trying to be supportive of my SIL who supported me during the divorce.
        And, then it comes out she’s been having a 7 yr affair (7 years!) on her husband (my BIL) and she’s all ready to commit suicide because her lover cheated on her! How dare he. She even showed me a pic of the OW. I bit my tongue but I was hard-pressed to offer her any advice. I was sickened to learn this. They had been married 30 yrs and this was her 5th affair, apparently. She wanted to get it all out with ‘me’, of all people.

        She didn’t understand one thing I was going thru and I sure didn’t understand her.
        How awkward.

        It was awful and I’m done with her. Her husband seems to have caught her a few times cheating but is staying in the house no matter what.
        What a marriage.

        I’m just not good at empathizing with a cheater without getting a smirk on my face.
        Tho, I held that one back that day. Didn’t want her to slit her wrists.

        Kimberly – WHY in the world would you beat yourself up for not supporting her.
        By telling you she’s having an affair means she just wants you to support her. Ummmm…NO!

        That’s a mindfuck in itself and will set you back to be is such close proximity to the evils in life.
        Stay away, stay far away.

        • This is really tough. These cheaters offered you chumps their support even though they don’t share your values. I guess it must be hard for them to see that you place your values above the friendship. Maybe some cheaters have a heart? Sometimes I also wonder if most people are capable of terrible things but also capable of great things. Sometimes I wonder if I am too rigid and judgemental?

      • Wow. This must be so difficult.

        From reading here, it seems to me that an elemental characteristic of many chumps is a strong sense of loyalty. Which would be quite conflicted if I were in your shoes.

  • When Mr. Sparkles first left, I cried on anyone’s and everyone’s shoulder. I was as bereft as the day my Mother died. Then, I found my way to sites about Narcissists after my therapist suggested my STBX might be one. Boy oh boy… did terms like love bombing and trauma bonding and gaslighting and devaluing strike resonating chord after resonating chord.

    As my friends and support group had no first hand knowledge of narcissism or the darkness and evil involved in being married to one, I have come to rely on places like CN, and reading blogs by Kim Saeed and Lisa E. Scott and Peace for most of my recovery.

    But, without a doubt, I’d be lost without those dear friends who tirelessly answered my panic “talk me off the ledge” phone calls and texts and escape weekends. They are truly my touchstones.

    And, how telling is this: not ONE of my friends or family or even stepchildren are surprised by Mr. Sparkles affair and subsequent familial abandonment. NOT. ONE.

    Even my minister reminded me: “As Christians, we want to believe that God’s brings things/people to us… but he can also push them away.”

    Support is everywhere, if only we have the courage to seek it and WORK IT.

    Rock On Chump Nation – We are MIGHTY!

    • “I have come to rely on places like CN, and reading blogs by Kim Saeed and Lisa E. Scott and Peace for most of my recovery.”

      I know Lisa E. Scott’s website, but I did not know about Kim Saeed and Peace. I’ll have to check it out. Thanks!

      • If you are dealing with a Cluster B character disorder, check out Sandra L Brown. Invaluable!

  • Great post UX!! I have had such a tough time in this area. I’ve found an amazing counselor who has helped so much. I’m afraid though, that I’ve just word vomited indiscriminately to those I shouldn’t have on more than one occasion. At least I’m finally am starting to feel like me again. Love your writing style and what you have to say!!

  • Ux, I reconnected with an old friend of the opposite sex as well. He and I were good friends in high school, stayed in touch through college but had only very sporadic contact over the next 25 years. A couple of years ago, in a really, really dark moment in my life, I reached out to him through social media and it just happened that he checked his account and saw my message and responded. My friend is married so there is a definite need on both our parts to be mindful of that but given that I’m a chump not a cheater, that’s pretty easy to do. The best part of our friendship is the fact that as a man who knew me before, during and after my ex, his perspective of me counteracts much of the devaluing my ex engaged in which gives me hope that there could be other men out there who see me as a person of worth. I was with my ex from age 19 to divorce at 53 – that’s a lot of years of devaluing to have to counteract. Having a male friend who tells me that any man would be lucky to have me as a partner has helped tremendously as has watching him love and care for his family as a real man does; his eyes literally light up when he talks about them. I know from reading the male chumps posts here that there are good men out there but it’s even better to know one IRL.

  • If feel lucky. I’ve had a tribe of close female friends and my own brothers and a sister. Oh yea and a counselor. The whole experience was surreal for me. I was duped and used for a long time. Everyone needs a support tribe.

    • “Everyone needs a support tribe.”

      I agree! The statistics I read show that married men life longer than single men, but with women, there is no difference in their longevity if they are married or not. And that’s because women have a network of friends, a better support system, whether married or not,and it’s this support system is what helps women live longer.

      • While your family and life expectancy stats are pretty accurate, it’s worth remembering that not all of us chickens, er, hens, er, women have that tribe.

        If you had asked me pre-cheat, and pre-divorce, I would have told you I certainly did…post breakup, yah, not so much. Most of them evaporated faster than my trust in my ex.

        I would give [some part of my anatomy] to find a tribe again…I keep saying, ‘surely there is a pool of divorced women out here I can find to be friends with?’ Waaay easier said than done. (Always looking for tips!)

        Although I belong to a faith tradition that most people laugh at (seriously they do, however incredible that seems)–I’m a life-long Unitarian Universalist–my despair-inducing experiences in the church where I was deeply, deeply involved for more than 20 years have left me terrified of trying again. That sucks!

        I suspect most of us post-55 re-singled folk are too busy trying to do the ‘build a life’ thing, painfully arthritic step by step, to go too much further. At least that’s me. Still better than living with a lying cheater, BTW. :/

        • This will be the year I become Fabulous at Fifty, On top of that, I left my career years ago to become. SAHM to 4 kids, supporting and spackling asshat’s carrier rise. Married women in any age range get twitchy being around divorced women, as if it is a viral condition OR we are seeking their mates.

          It’s hard meeting people and even connecting to strangers for the possibility of developing friendships. And even then, some of those people don’t want to be bothered with what’s happening with you emotionally beneath the surface of ‘fine’. I’ve been in this new location for 13 yrs and have met many new people,but have found maaaaaybe 3-4 who I know have my back. The rest would chat about my personal life over wine&bunko. No issue about that, but I am a private person.

          I think building the tribe is 100% trial and error. Thing biggest challenge is becoming involved with groups of people who have similar interests and finding connections, developing those connections and sifting through said connections where you come across gold-THOSE are the ones where deeper bonds develop. It’s a lot of work. I consider it time invested in ME because I am doing things that interest ME and from it have met some interesting people of which I created I have formed deeper friendships with a few.

  • You never know who your biggest cheerleader will be. For me it was a minor acquaintance from high school who I told by chance. Turned out he had been there and done that. He turned into my rock. He was there for me at 2am or 2pm when I was cracking up or simply cracking when I just couldn’t take it or I just didn’t get it. He lives hundreds of miles away with his family and I wish him nothing but joy the rest of his days. He and Chump Nation saved me. I owe him, and all of you, my life. Thank you.

  • One thing I’ve noticed here and reconciliation sites as well is that lots of Chumps are isolated, by the cheater. Also that chumps, especially in RIC think that the cheaters have some sort of deep philosophical conversations all day, they are sharing their hopes, and dreams, and unicorn chasing, blah blah blah. I would just like to say I consider that to be total horseshit. I know Mr. Shallow and his equally shallow whore did not have some sort of epiphany and become deep thinking wonderful people. If the drivel they spoke was equal to the drivel they wrote it was pathetic babble.

    • Deep thoughts were centered around drinking, getting high, and determining which one was going to fuck him within a week.

    • Anita, good insight; one of the many ridiculous pieces of horseshit Cheater said to me to justify fucking OWhore behind my back was, “She gets that I’m a Big Picture guy, Muse… you never got that!”

  • There is a Ted talk called LETHALITY OF LONLINESS by John Cacioppo. Please download it. It reminds us all how interconnected we are. Although I found you by accident and used you to unload some anger at what was done to my brother I should be long gone from this blog but I have come to care so deeply for people I will never meet that can’t bring myself to leave y’all. I have no idea why this TED talk showed up on my iPad. I was looking at poetry in modern music. Go figure. I think it was meant. All I know is we belong to each other,, all of us in some capacity, and I worry about you and rejoice with you.

    • Let go–I love that you are still here, giving great advice and commiserating with us on your brother’s behalf.

      • Thanks, Tempest. I use some training I have had over the years plus knowing all the disordered people I have dealt with in my job. The one piece of info I hope I can impart is that PD people never change. Their personalities are as fixed as the color of their eyes. You might put brown contacts in but the blue is still there.

  • I got extremely lucky in that a lot of the “mutual while we were a couple” friends totally jumped off of his (sinking) ship and onto mine. He got to keep a couple of stragglers who are PD and misogynistic anyway. He can have them.

    Out of the myriad friends I kept, two of my biggest champions came in one of our mutual friends (we will call her Leah) and *his* female cousin (we will call her Sandra). Leah immediately denounced his actions, explained that I didn’t do anything to cause it, and made it very well-known just how abhorrent and disgusting she found his behavior. She was THERE. She saw me cry, she listened to me trying to untangle the skein, she forced me to eat, and she made me feel so much better. I am seriously indebted to her forever and she continues to be there now, even a year out. His cousin, Sandra, called me on the phone wondering what was going on since she had seen some mysterious things on FB. At that point, I had no qualms about telling everyone exactly what had happened despite his protestations that it was going to ruin his life (can you seriously believe the shit that comes out of these psychos mouths?) Anyway, I was apprehensive at first (she is his family), but I wound up telling her everything. Her first question, “Did you beat the shit out of him?” Sandra has also been extremely supportive and very happy for my happiness (I was one of the lucky ones who went NC IMMEDIATELY and then got the hell away from his manic tornado of destruction). She lives in another state, but she still sends messages now and then in order to check-in to see how I am doing, tell me she loves me, and that she is proud of me for the grace that I have displayed in handling the situation.

    All of this is to say that I think a lot of chumps avoid telling people their truth. Don’t! Tell everyone! YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. You opened your heart to the wrong person. That doesn’t make you a bad one. When you open up this way, you will know by the reactions you get right away who is and isn’t worth your time in the new life you’re building for yourself. And, getting the toxic people out and the supportive people closer makes getting to meh SO much easier.

  • I got all the friends. I never gave up my friends during the marriage. I reconnected with old friends who are now long divorced. I made some new friends. All our old friends/couples sided with me because it’s not hard to take sides since he abandoned me four times in five years, didn’t pay me any money to live, gave me the silent treatment after he finally walked, tried to make me sell my jewelry and give him half the money, tried to kick me out of my home, and doesn’t talk to his own son. It wasn’t hard for everyone to see what a jerk he is and how I held up my head and survived. That being said, having only been divorced three weeks now, and this back and forth having gone on for five year, people are tired of hearing about it and just want me to shut up and get over it already. But during the thick of it, my girlfriends would come over and get me up from the couch, make me get dressed and go to work so I didn’t lose my job. I have been so lucky for all the support. On the other hand, I have always had a difficult relationship with my sister and she didn’t give a shit at all what happened to me and I think she doesn’t even know that I am divorced now. My adult son was supportive in the sense that we have a good relationship and love each other, but he doesn’t want to hear any of the gritty details of what his father did to me.

  • It is like life threatening food poisoning…until it happens to you….you cannot comprehend the pain.

    I had a friend tell me smugly:
    I have never hated anyone.

    I told her: You are very lucky.

    • My best friend got chumped 4 years ago, he had relocated 400 miles away so other than email and phone it was difficult to understand his pain, I simply didn’t know what to say…I just assumed he was OK, he put on a brave face and said he was OK. Fast forward 2 years and I found myself in the same position…A CHUMP…He was the first person I rang and was amazing, he told me to pack a bag and go and stay at his.

      He’s been my rock, my support, my ‘Venting Sponge’, my voice of reason…My only regret is that I wasn’t there more for him when he was going through it all. His response to that was ‘People simple don’t understand unless it happens to them…If someone in your life goes through what we have been and are going through, then you too will want to help and support that person through the hell they find them self in’.

      The other person surprisingly was my Ex’s brother…he was the one that brought it to my attention that my ex was very manipulative with people she knows she can get away with it. Her brother isn’t one of those people and now has very little to do with my Ex.

      • mbe, similar situation for me. About 4 years before I found out about my then H, my neighbor told me that she and her husband were divorcing because of his affair. Apparently it had been going on for several years and she finally had enough and kicked him out. On my way home, I thought “wow, I’m so lucky to not have to worry about that”. Chumpy me cause I didn’t know then that mine was cheating for years already. She and I weren’t super close and I had no clue what to say to her so I stuck with general statements like “hope you’re doing well”. When I kicked cheater out, I told her and apologized for not being more supportive. She understood but she was a good ways out from her situation and didn’t want to get too close to mine. Certainly understandably. Like you’re friend said, you don’t understand unless you’ve experienced it. Although I hope this doesn’t happen to anyone I know, I will pay it forward and be there for them if it does.

  • This is very interesting to hear other people’s positive experiences. I had the opposite happen to me.

    After leaving an abusive long marriage my family dumped me, chosing to side with my now x1. X1 had isolated me and I had no friends who were not family.

    Fast forward one year and foolish me got love bombed by a sociopath whom I married. The gas lighting and craziness started immediately. I suspected cheating and went into full marriage police mode. I badly needed someone to confide in. I thought I was going crazy!!

    I reached out to a co-worker who was now a lawyer after retiring as a minister. I explained to him I was asking him to put his minister hat back on and counsel me from that perspective. I thought as both a lawyer and a minister he would have compassion and insight and know to keep things confidential.

    Low and behold – I see now he was another sociopath of another shade. He used my confidences as entertainment for himself and friends. He kept telling me it was unchristian of me to give up on my marriage and kept excusing X2s behaviour. He enjoyed the shenanigans of being the marriage police and actually did surveillance for me occasionally. He was enjoying my anguish. Then he suddenly stopped speaking to me entirely, with no explanation and changed jobs – leaving me with no confidante ( blessing in disguise I see now) leaving me feeling totally abandoned.

    It wasn’t until I read chump lady that I finally grew a pair and dumped X2. Then I was dealing with the fall out of the rage of a spurned sociopath. I had new friend I confided in somewhat who supported me through the attempts on my life and the ensuing police investigations. He used this closeness to do a love bomb mission of his own and 8 months after I dumped X2 we were dating. ( Divorce with X2 was immediate as on one of many DDays I had him sign a consent divorce as insurance which I finally used)

    Long story short – last friend I confided to who supported me through all the drama became someone I was talking marriage with. Turns out he’s a narcissist and this time I was quicker to see the signs and dumped him too. But not before he used my past and the behaviour Id accepted from X2 as an excuse to say he shouldn’t have to live up to my ridiculous high standards.

    I also do not want to start confiding in s member of the opposite sex and find it turning into a EA which I think would be too easy to happen.

    So … Lesson learned. I confide nothing to anyone other than my therapist. And in the meantime I’m working on me – in the past I’ve been working my way thru the alphabet of Cluster personalities – so far A, B and C. Had enough and there’s no more relationships until I know my picker is fixed.

    • I’m so sorry about your family. A same-sex friend may be the best option for now.

    • Stuck, I have been there too – a series of poor choices made when I was acting in the grip of forces I didn’t understand.

      I am now working on having a sustaining group of same sex friends, and doing therapy on and off.

      I can recommend Patrick Carnes book The Betrayal Bond as good reading when you have done a lot of traumatic bonding in your life.

      • Thanks I’ll try that book. Sounds interesting. I’ve “reconciled” with my family but the lack of loyalty cut deep and now we speak only superficially. The only comment my mother has made about X2 was “why didn’t you know he was like that ?” Guess it’s not hard to see where the trauma bonding started.

        I don’t post here often but I’m always lurking. The people on the this site seem to be the only ones who get it !!

  • I have never confided in anyone about my chumpdom. All I have learned is by either bitter, lonely experience, or from internet resources. I often listen carefully when I hear others discussing their own relationship problems, but I have had such disappointment out of so-called friends that it is simply not worth confiding any more.

    I have set my own boundaries by learning to love myself first and always stay financially independent. Any relationship….I live for the present, but ALWAYS have a plan B. No more getting lulled into a comfort zone. I can love others, and enjoy their company, be generous and caring. However, at the end of the day, my priority is my own peace of mind and that of my children. If a partner wants to cheat, leave me, or disappoint me, then I will just let them get on with it, without me around.

  • More fantastic stuff from I am constantly amazed at the many subtle aspects of chumpdom that are shared by so many.

    A chumped dude here. The 1st friend I confided in ended up being a Switzerland, I regret talking to him at all. I had the good luck of having supportive family and good friends, but soon after, a female acquaintance came out of the woodwork who herself had been chumped and provided a welcome lifeline. In my experience of being four years out from discovering and divorcing, no one else really knows this situation like another chump (hence how great this forum is)

    Since then I have paid it forward reaching out to about three other newly minted chumps I knew or kind of knew. My cheating ex-wife is still with her married affair partner these four years later after our divorce. This stellar married boyfriend of hers continued bouncing between his wife and and my ex. He will soon divorce, and his wife reached out to me about two months ago.

    Conversing with her and comparing notes has been eye opening and amazing, and I believe I have been helpful to her. When I uncovered the affair way back in 2012, I contacted her (she already knew) with the offer of talking, she never responded until now, and now I know she was in a shitty brainwashed pick me dance state. So, she is a fellow chump who was my parallel universe co-chump. We enjoy comapring notes on how our kids dislike visiting their cheating parents.

    In my experience, the term “‘Venting Sponge” (thanks mickeyblueeyes) sums up what Chumps are able to do. They understand the deep damage and know the vast amount of venting that needs to be done. Even understanding non-Chumps have limits (that should be respected)

  • I would have to say I am very lucky as far as a support system goes. I have family and friends that have given permission to call on them at any time (and I do not hesitate to do so if I need to). For a long time I felt the need to protect my STBXH from the consequences of his own bad decisions, also I believe I was partly embarrassed and ashamed as if I had done something wrong. I no longer feel the need to protect him nor do I feel embarrassed or ashamed about our failed marriage. So, I tell people the truth and it is truly liberating to realize that I did not do anything wrong. I am careful about reaching out to anyone other than those I feel I can truly trust. CN is a great support as well. I have gained much needed kick butt strength from this site (No contact and filing for divorce). I also, pray daily and I believe this has given me the most strength in my charge towards gaining a new life. It is very difficult dealing with this level of betrayal and I cannot imagine having to go at it alone. Huge ((Hugs)) to everyone.

    • Noel

      “I no longer feel the need to protect him nor do I feel embarrassed or ashamed about our failed marriage. So, I tell people the truth and it is truly liberating to realize that I did not do anything wrong.”

      This is an excellent point I had not thought about for some time now. After DDay I was worried about HIM losing his business, his health insurance and offered to stay legally seperated so he would be protected. My therapist nearly jumped out of his seat saying NO, he’s a grown man.

      The lengths I went to protect him from himself were due to making myself and my needs invisible. I have to say my therapist was the one who supported me those first few months and made me realize I had to file even though I still loved him. He was the one who told me to find a blog and I found the greatest support system here.

      There are so many damaging people I left behind. I found my tribe at the meetups and consider these chumps to be amazing, intelligent, caring individuals who give me strength.

      And a shout out to you UX for sharing your story. You are a kind and caring individual who inspires with your words. Thank you.

  • I had a lot of loving and well meaning people in my corner. However, no former chump friends or family who understood the anguish and pain I was going through. I felt like I was going crazy! I know that it I really scared them at times!
    I initially bounded with another woman at my new church while praying about similar health issues. She turned out to be a former chump who totally understood, embrassed and validated me. I was encouraged to get away from RIC sites and thinking (and similar counseling) and began researching personality disorders and how to heal from narcissistic abuse DM and CL soon followed! I am not alone or crazy!

  • A guy-friend from AA had the exact same DDAY as me 12/26/14- I didn’t meet him until 4 months later when he shared from the podium at his 9th AA birthday -but he told me my STBX was a false unicorn and sure enough! It was complete wreckonciliatiin and DDays 2-10 until May 2015 when douche abandoned. My friend had told me about CL but I was still clinging to my hopeium pipe. After abandonment I turned to CL and CN to get me through the extreme pain of last summer.

    Fast forward to last winter. A dance mom friend asked if I would talk to a woman from her hometown in another state who had just experienced “the same thing.” We have the same first name and each have 3 kids at home– two born within 5 days of each other.

    We’ve become very close friends via text and occasional calls. We read CL all day long and post frequently– we share everything about this whole nightmare. My first text of the day is usually to her to discuss the CL post of the day. When the daily shit hits the fan she’s the first one I confide in. Both of us are in the middle of terrible divorce and custody issues. Both STBXs are narcissists and maybe cluster Bs. I cannot imagine going through this without her. She GETS it!

  • Hey UX–I’m late to reading the post today and was surprised to see my username in it 😉

    Thanks for the shout out– this is a stellar post!


  • Great post! I have a couple of chumped friends who have been through the same thing…they kept me sane and kept me going through the nightmare. I am now happily divorced from the cheater.

  • I don’t know ONE person who has been thumped and chumped! waaaah. I totally wore my 3 sisters out, especially one – so do be careful of that. It’s called Compassion Fatigue and the other 2 sisters have been supportive but they don’t want to hear anything more about it. So, I’m in shut-down mode. Which is fine, since I’m about 90% at meh, but I’m really not comfortable talking to them about it all anymore or to any of my family in a social situation – not even supposed to mention the X’s name (even if I’m sharing a memory) because they think I’m still not over it when they think I should be. Ok, I wore them out – I get it. ONLY fellow chumps and this web-site gets how you feel after 2 yrs. It can be a very long process for us. But, others lose patience and have their own lives and kids to worry about. i don’t talk to them much anymore as I feel they’ve distanced themselves from me. That’s fine. I have you guys and I don’t have a lot of issues dealing with him anymore (the house took forever to sell, so that’s why I lingered in anger for another year).

    My family has always been very close and now it’s not so much. Too many loses – my sister’s husband just died and she needed her own support.
    If I even bring up the divorce after his death, everybody thinks I’m only thinking of myself. That one was a mindfuck and probably something I should have kept to myself, but my sister and I were going thru similar losses at exactly the same time – they thought her pain was greater than mine…I felt like a lowlife! and, again, I never should have brought it up and only talked about her late husband, who had a stellar reputation when he died and I mentioned, I didn’t, and wish my X had been such an honorable man as hers. Thinking that would ‘help’ her. Instead, it got turned into me thinking about only myself. I’m like wha??

    So, we do have to think about others’ lives right now and help them during their time in need.
    But, I just feel I have to move on about talking about it. Nobody really cares anymore and they did get me thru the crisis.

    So, I’m starting out anew and not going to rely on my family so much, but become much more independent on the friends I currently have.
    It’s another hard new beginning, but I’ll make it through.

    It helps that I moved to a brand new area and nobody knows about my past-life.

    • I can relate to this SheChump. My sister was matter of fact with her comments and within a month thought I should be over it. I see her once a year. Not ONE call from my family to see how I was doing in two years.

      I have changed in so many ways they no longer know me. We go through a transformation of incredible proportions within two years. The sadness creeps in now and then. I placed so much value in my relationshios with selfish takers. I’m close to meh also. I have built many friendships with chumps who have love and compassion in their hearts. I value myself and like minded authentic people now.

      • Doingme – ‘Not ONE call from my family to see how I was doing in two years.’

        I can relate to this too.
        I had a million phone calls from all my relatives seemingly caring about me, but they just wanted the scoop and I gave it to them.
        Including the X’s family, which I thought were my friends after so many years.
        Poof – they went away once the got my ‘story’ and never heard from them again.

        My own family – well, they just disappeared and not one person (other than my sisters) called and asked how I was doing.
        I guess they get busy lives and I’m in the background calling from inside the eye of a Hurricane.
        I had one good friend tell me, oh – glad you have the support of your sisters. Wiping her hands of it.
        I just wanted ‘ONE SORRY for your divorce’ from somebody. ‘That must be very painful’. (well, that’s how I’d do it now but those folks don’t know what to say)
        That’s a nice thing to say to somebody.

        But, you know, you do those things yourself and forget the people that don’t know how to handle crisis.
        I didn’t mind telling every grocery store customer and mailman about the details of the affair at all. I couldn’t help myself!
        But, I sort of regret telling some of those family members, who were just after dirt.

        • Too funny SheChump! I told my dentist and dental hygienist to double glove. I’ve been seeing them for 30 years. They laugh and I give them updates.

          I’ve told his business associates and long term customers at a place I frequent.

          My mechanic hugs me when I see him. I have been doing business with him for years.

          My accountant jammed him after DDay and she laughed saying she wondered if he would come back. He finally had to pay his own taxes.

          It’s a small town. I filled as many people in at my class reunion about the computer screen he accidently froze trying to access child porn. Yup, consequences.

          And I copied and pasted the write ups in the newspaper about her drug use felony charge and assault of an elderly man, breaking and entering, and beating the prescious guy she picked up and sent them to all family members.

          It’s not revenge now is it? It’s the truth.

          Now I don’t care. It’s a waste of energy. He’s in debt uo to his eyeballs and had to sell his prized car. Whores are expensive.

          Shit my life is better!

        • I was having this discussion with my oldest (26) on Sunday. I told him that I wasn’t going to a wedding of a “friend.” When he asked why, I explained that I didn’t hear one word from any of that group since dday. He said when they heard they were angry at my ex but probably didn’t know what to say. I told him in the age where everyone texts it’s not hard to say, “I’m sorry for what you are going through and know that you are in my thought. Please let me know if I can do anything.” Shame on everyone of those we Chumps called friends or family who could not even try to make minimal effort.

          On another note in the same conversation I mentioned that it must be hard to do seating arrangements at these events with exes. My son said that I would be at the table with him and his brother and his dad could just sit wherever. That was said so matter of fact and so incredibly sweet.

  • One friend in real life who can support you “100%” is like a lifeboat in the midst of a violent storm. And when I say 100% I dont mean they are always there when you call or text, i mean that they understand what you are experiencing and that they have your back (that you trust them 100% and that you do not ever doubt their love).

    I had just moved 3000 miles, 6 months before DD. I didn’t know anyone in my new city. I have never felt so alone or so vulnerable when DD happened. I made a friend – a mom from the playground. We had talked a few times before my world exploded. She approached me when it happened and asked me to go for a walk and asked if she could help me – she could see in my face and eyes that I was suffering.

    She turned out to be one of the most empathetic and supportive people I have ever met. She had been chumped 20 years ago by her first husband and suffered terrible emotional abuse. She has experienced debilitating chronic pain in her life. She knows firsthand about suffering. And she understands about transformative suffering. She held me when I cried, listened when I talked non-stop trying to untangle the skein, and encouraged me to move forward with baby steps. She lifted me up with her bright and lovibg spirit. My friend didn’t know my cheater. I think it helped to talk to someone who had no connection to my marriage.

    It is empowering to reach out and be supported when you most desperately need a friend. I have told a few other family and friends with mixed response. Some are supportive, but I don’t think they understand the depth of emotional abuse and grief and rage I experienced from his cheating/lying. I am afraid to contact a lot of old friends because I am afraid they will be Switzerland friends, but I think I am at the point where I need to find out who are my true friends.

    I am very glad I reached out and was brave when my friend asked me to go for a walk.

  • I was so lucky to have one close friend always take my calls, she lived 100 miles away, but she always opened her home when I had to get away for a night or two. So many times over a couple years she talked me though sorting out what was my next right thing to do, separating the befuddling abuse from my anxiety. She was the first person I could hear the words as she described x behavior towards me as abusive. She told me I wasn’t crazy.

    I had another friend who came to my house many times over a couple months to help me fix things so it could be sold as part of the divorce. I asked her to come help during the division of kitchen things, she knew I said I felt afraid for my safety, but then she witnessed the rage; she apologized to me the next time we were alone for not understanding before what I was living with. Incredible. I spent a some nights at her home too.

    I had a third friend who never doubted what I was telling her. She came and helped as she could one day when we had to sort the piles of his things in one room, the ones I had been forbidden to touch for a couple years, the ones I’d been accused over and over of messing with. She made wicked jokes about his choices, got me laughing through my terror of what he would do when he came home. I spent some nights at her home, and my dog was always welcome to stay with or without me. I know she likes both of us, but the dog is adored.

    One of my sisters is divorced from a blatant narc, she lives thousands of miles away, but she took my calls and cheered me on and never doubted. She paid for my airfare to come visit, an entire week away!

    My angels. Plus the select group of friends who showed up with trucks to move me out of our house, people I trusted to keep my new location secret. More angels.

    I never completely broke ties with family and friends. Not sure if I could have left him without a village of angels supporting my choice, there wasn’t much of me left at the end. This is why I will support my local domestic violence shelter, to pay this support forward in some meaningful way, for the people who don’t have a village of support. So grateful.

  • This is my first reply.

    I’ve been looking at these posts since DD a few months back, and can honestly say that you all have become friends – I’m even starting to get to know some of you and look for your responses. You all get it, and you have empathy, and you are true, and kind, and real – and for that I am so very thankful.

    I have had moments of despair and you have helped me through them. I know they will surface again, and when they do you will help me once again. I know I am strong and will get through this, but sometimes you just need to hear you are not alone. That someone cares, and that you have worth. You have all done this for me over and over again…wow; if not but for the kindness of strangers! You even help me laugh and find humor in these horrible predicaments we find ourselves in. Mostly, you remind me that there is good in this world.

    Thanks, fellow chumps. I’m not drinking but…I love ya!

    • So true. Some friends have been great, some of his family too. But this wonderful nation of chumps never ceases to amaze me. Compassionate, witty, smart, you are my home away from home. Big hugs to all at CN. Thank you Tracy for helping us all find each other.

    • hop skip and chump – Welcome, I am sorry you are here, but happy you found CN!

      I could have written your comment a year ago. I had a super network of friends and supporters around me, but I found in CN many new friends that got it, got how devastating being cheated on by a duplicitous liar is. I am several months post-divorce, the pain is finite, it is a rough road, but every day I get a little closer to Meh. Put your self-respect first, stay NC, and just keep going, one day at a time!

      UXWorld – Thank you for your post, I am in awe of your strength and ability to forge on despite having to live under the same roof with kk. You are an amazing person, and an admirably sane parent to your daughters, keep forging on!

  • I was very lucky because by the time we split, ExH and I had nothing in common, including our friends. I could tell MY friends anything and everything and pretty universally the response I got was “I’m here for you no matter what”

    That said the person who surprised me (pleasantly) was my sister in law (my bros wife). We have all known each other a long time, more than 20 years, and over the years we have not always been close. We have never had words, just not always been close. Man, the day I announced I was getting divorced Girlfriend was my fucking rock. Advice , support, encouragement, listening … She never waived. She said what needed to be said, she shared her wisdom, and during the occasional meltdown was like “hold up girl, we are not deviating from the plan.” She was 100% team CAGal. She was just there. She was able to laugh at me at crazy bulllshit and didn’t judge me for any of my choices. I could not have done it without her. I sent he booze and offered to fly her out for the Emancipation party. But you have to find that person who is like ” hey man.. You got this “

  • Chumpy friends help you maintain NC.

    When the STBX or ex pulls some wretched crap? Don’t take it out on the ex (that’s kibbles! And you’ll look like the crazy!) Don’t get mad at the kids when they want to see STBX or ex. Call your chumpy friend, instead! After a little chat, you’ll be all right. It really works!

    Don’t have a chumpy friend? Come here and vent! We’re your chumpy friends!

  • I found C/L early thankfully. Guided me thru filing and the aftermath. That was over 3 yrs ago. I have not left the site yet and read everyday.
    There is not a day that I don’t read and learn something new. I’m grateful for the great community that has been built here, both through C/L and the powerful C/N.

    That said, When I mention to my supporters, sisters, bff’s, etc that I am still on this blog, they berate me.
    They don’t know what this blog is or anything about it.
    They all express they think it’s holding me back from healing!
    Healing from what? I’m healed thanks to this site. I dumped my therapist for this site, which had much better philosophy, insight, humor, intelligence and great advice and all balanced out very well. So many folks here I truly think as my deepest connections since we’ve all exposed our innermost thoughts on this site, and that helps us all bond.

    So, I’m not about to defend the blogs I got to to anybody, anymore. They don’t get it.
    I’m not going to judge people for getting help on the internet.
    I know these people mean well but they don’t understand what it is about.
    So, I’m not going to mention it again to these folks. Until they need it themselves.
    I suppose they think I’m half nuts anyway.

    Power on Chump Nation!

    • No one knows im on here but you guys. When im asked where do you get support. I smile and say from my friends. My good friends who understand what im going through and only they get it. When they ask but who? I say they are special, kind, beautiful and get me. I will pass this site on but only to the chumped. I know if asswipe knew i was here he would tell the bimbos and he and they would troll here. Ive seen pictures of the main whore trying to look and act like me, i was never in competition with her but she seems to want to prove shes better than me. She will once again acquire the cheating lying asswipe my house is going to closing in a month. He will finally be gone from my life. I dont care if i have to live in a goat barn. It will be mine and mine alone. Fuck him, fuck her and all those who think cheating and lying is fun, getting over on someone and disrespectung others is the right thing to do. FUCK THEM, JUST FUCK THEM!

  • To the Nation – I received an email yesterday from Richard Grannon – Spartan Life Coach – he’s coming to the US! He’ll be doing a seminar in New York in August if anyone is interested below is the info. Next to CL, this guy is the best IMHO. He’s really quite entertaining, all the while being very helpful and informative. I’m going to try to make it, but it might not be in the cards for me this time around – Below is a clip from his email with the info for all who are interested:
    It will take place on August 23rd

    details here

    I look forward to seeing you there

  • Well, the first friend I confided in turned out to be a Switzerland friend in the end. She and her H even accepted dinner invites to OW’s house and brought their kids I’d know since they were babies to meet Ex “and his new girlfriend.” And that is one of several friendships that were nuked by Ex’s cheating. But that’s probably a blessing as I have now settled into much deeper and closer friendships with other friends who really care about me instead of appearances. And I’ve made two new friends who I never even would have met had this never happened because our prior social life was focused on him being the life of the party, and lots of shallow, sparkly nights out at bars/restaurants, or big bashes at our house that were exhausting and expensive and fully paid for by me. I wouldn’t trade my current state of friendships for that old shallow fakery and shit, not in a million years.

    When I lived with him, I *never*, I mean never went out hiking, bicycling, to paint nights, or just shopping with female friends like I do now. Everything I did was with him. Yet he of course had a whole secret social life with his affair partners.

    The kindest thing a friend did for me and it’s bringing tears to my eyes right now, three full years later, was to just tell me to come on over and hang out at her house. It was only a week or two after DDay and I was a basket case, no sleep, couldn’t eat, totally traumatized still. I fell asleep on her front porch swing. It was the first actual sleep I’d had in probably two or three weeks. I felt safe for the first time since DDay. That’s a true friend.

  • Shout out to Bev….. my friend during my darkest days! Without her advice and support, I would probably be 6 ft under! Some of you may remember her from here….. she won a contest! Not real active in posting these days but a solid friend!

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