A couple amazing things happened this past Tuesday. The first one is that this blogometer flipped to 15 million page views. Oh but that’s just views. What’s that in people? That’s 2.7 million unique visitors. Apparently a few of you stick around Chump Nation long enough to read the other pages, getting us to 15 million views. Wowza!
There are a lot of chumps out there who hunger for a narrative around infidelity that isn’t $399 affair-proof-your-marriage hopium. We’re changing that narrative, Chump Nation!
I though it fitting that the blogometer flipped on a Tuesday — which, to all familiar with the CL lexicon, is the day the pain stops. We achieve Meh! Thanks, CN. What makes this place endure is you. Your stories. The support you give the newbies. Your tales of mighty. And speaking of Meh and Mighty, yesterday I got a letter from “SuperDuperChump” telling me about his Tuesday miracle. (Okay, maybe my eyes got a little drippy reading it…) Letters like this are why I keep this blog going. Read SDC’s story and let CN know if you’ve got any Tuesday miracles to report too. Love you guys! — Tracy
Dear Chump Lady,
I reached the Land of Meh yesterday….
Three years ago, I discovered my wife’s affair with our minister. I went through the self destruction, weight losing, “Why, why, why?” phase, the “pick me dance” followed by marriage counseling for a year trying to put my broken marriage back together. I busted my rear doing everything right that the MC said I needed to do in order to not allow this to ever happen again. I accepted all the blame for “Our Affair.” I was so proud of how we rebuilt our marriage.
A year later, I had a simple cataract surgery. When we got home, I went to bed still groggy. When I woke up, I was in a hospital bed.
After my surgery, my loving wife had taken me home, put me to bed, and left. The A/C unit went out in my house, and since it was 101 degrees, it didn’t take long for the house to heat up, and according to medical records, my sleeping, groggy, hot body and anesthesia collided, resulting in a seizure. Somehow, my fish flopping body butt dialed my sister 500 miles away. Since I wouldn’t say anything, she tried calling my wife, and with no response, called 911 for a welfare check. I am grateful for the young, rookie policeman for saving my life.
When I woke up, Officer Fletcher was sitting by my hospital bed and asked if I would possibly know where my wife could be. With tears in my eyes, I gave him the address. I began crying when I heard the response come back over his radio 10 minutes later.
While I was hospitalized for 3 days and the cat was out of the bag, my wife cleaned out the savings and checking accounts, leaving me penniless. During that time, I found Chump Lady and quit smoking the hopium pipe. I could only hire a cheap attorney with borrowed funds from a Payday Lender. I lost my house, work tools, and half of my retirement. Plus, my grown children refused to have anything to do with me for ruining their parent’s marriage.
Ashamed, hurt, financially broke, confused…. I moved to a new town a few hours away to try and start over. That was a year ago. The hardest part — besides starting a new job while living in a dumpy, cheap apartment — has been grieving a future that I will never have. I had so many plans and dreams for us. I basically have been going to work, sitting in the park watching happy people stroll by, and going back to my lonely apartment to get a few hours sleep. Life just isn’t fair to good, decent people.
A few months ago, I met a wonderful woman two years younger than me. She was parked next to me at Wal-Mart and her car wouldn’t start. Being an awesome mechanic, I had it running in 10 minutes. Since I refused any type of payment, she demanded my address in order to show off her cookie baking skills. I was so ashamed of where I lived when she arrived… but she didn’t care. We’ve dated since then with lots of nice, long conversations about our pasts. Turns out, she is a chump, too.
I got the news…. she had been in a car wreck. I spent the night in her hospital room looking at this poor, helpless woman who was still sedated after a long, intensive back surgery. The nurses were so kind and made sure I was comfortable too. Yesterday morning, she woke up to me feeding her breakfast spoonful by spoonful. Suddenly, it arrived… her little mouth was halfway open and she reached over and squeezed me hand….. and a calm, peacefulness blanketed me: I am a good, decent, caring man who is living a wonderful life. I am in debt, living in the ghetto, but I have decent job and will get back on my feet. My children hate me right now, but it is what it is. I have a ton of love to offer and the world is full of opportunity. I absolutely love my life and can’t wait to see what the future has planned for me.
I reached Meh yesterday….and it, was indeed, on a Tuesday.
Thank you very much for what you do,
SuperDuperChump
Oh that is so sweet !!!
After Majorcheterpants died, I had to run my house myself (hmmm no different than when he was alive). I had just reconnected with an old friend from the distant past and he told me to call him if I ever really needed him.
I was outside trying to start my gaspowered pressure washer (every 5″2′ gal needs a gas powered pressure washer, right) to clean some part of my behemoth house that was overwhelming me when the start cord did some violent thing that left me with a broken arm.
My son dropped me at the ER but I really wanted Col Greatguy…I called him and he arrived in record time and looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes and I said “I love you” and he responded “You are under the effect of narcotics, you may want to reconsider this later”….well the drugs wore off but not the love.
Truth be known, I saw some tears in his eyes when I told him…it had been about 13 years since a woman (not his mom) had told him she loved him. A few days later I had surgery and he was there to help.
Our 2 year wedding anniversary is the 18th of this month.
Unicornomore,
You are one of my favourite posters.
I love stories with a happy ending and no one is more deserving than you.
And YOU, unicornomore, YOU made it happen.
❤️
awwww…thanks. I stick around because I need the “real” that exists here and I hold myself up as a cautionary tale for newbies (“you want a wreckonciliation? maybe you should rethink that”) and I love the mighty I see everyday
Your story was certainly inspirational to me after D-day. As soon as I discovered his condoms and notes on the sexual harassment case, I told Hannibal to get out of the house,we were over. But…. he and others subtly and not-so-subtly pressured me to salvage the relationship as Hannibal’s affair had been 8 years prior, and he had “come back to the marriage” on his own. The “for the children” argument hovered over me. Your story, and a few others, gave me the strength to say HELL NO, we are not going to wreckoncile so that you can cheat on me again. (and, turns out he’d been a serial cheater all along).
UNM, you are one of my many heroes here.
Im sorry …I got so wrapped up in me (at least I catch myself) that I didnt congratulate SDC on his mightiness and CL on the 15,000,000 !!
The idea that the cheater would put him to bed sick, leave and take all his money is beyond abhorrent, The fact that his kids mistook his spackling as “things are great” and later misunderstood his mightiness and need to survive as inappropriate is a reminder that us keeping their secrets might bite us on the ass. He is mighty and his new love is too !!
We do need a new narrative and I am proud to have been a part of it and to have met CL in person (at her book launch). At the book launch party, I gave her a a sparkly, light up purple and rainbow unicorn toy (and subtly asked that I not have to keep it…it found its way to a deserving chump with a daughter at home who welcomed the mythical beast into her lair). We can smile and laugh (and say “fuck”) in the midst of our healing and we have her to thank for that !
Love this story! Congratulations! Well… other than the broken arm
What a beautiful story – except for the broken arm – but that broken arm led you to your new love! How awesome!!!
Congratulations to you and Colonel Greatguy (and having met him at the book signing, will attest to the accuracy of his moniker!)
I don’t know about anyone else but I’m crying. I’m so happy for you .
My Tuesday hasn’t come yet but I know it will.
Me too. What terrible, horrible things happened to you at the hands of your faithless wife, SDC, yet what a beautiful outlook on life you retain. I’m glad some of that goodness you embody is starting to come back to you. I hope it continues. My hat is off to you, sir.
Crying!!!!!
Me, too. Crying at the cruelty of SDC’s ex-wife, the moral ignorance of his children, and the beauty of his resiliency.
SuperDuperChump: You are an inspiration, both because you have risen out of the ashes, and because you know what is worthwhile in life–integrity and human connection. Yeah for your Tuesday!
I am crying too! What a beautiful story of hope!
Congratulations Chump Lady!!!
More than the amazing numbers, you have saved lives. That cannot be measured by metrics.
SuperDuperChump,
Thank you for sharing and inspiring many with your story.
You and your lucky woman deserve every bit of happiness you can make.
You are indeed a quality person and that is way better than all the riches your cheater stole.
Sending you cheers, healing thoughts and best wishes as you go forth with meh.
Tuesday’s are wonderful ?
I can define my road trip through hell as pre and post Chump Lady. Pre Chump Lady = hell on earth. Post Chump Lady = hell on earth with the hope and knowledge that one day I would get out. I have sent countless friends here, including (and especially) those I encounter in a ministry I help with at my church called DivorceCare. The extra mind-effery that can accompany particular kinds of church counseling (though DivorceCare is pretty awesome) must be balanced against the logic and fair-play that Chump Lady espouses. I have read so many thousands of posts and comments here that I speak this language fluently, and can and do impart this wisdom to those I help teach at church. I met my best friend D there. She and I were both chumped. We regularly check in to ask each other about the other’s road trip, and if they’ve reached Meh yet. We’ve always said no, but I told her recently that I can see the offramp in the distance. I would’ve never made it this far, I would have never healed as I have, and I never would have been able to help people through my church if it wasn’t for the amazing and profound impact of Chump Nation. So, so thrilled for the author of today’s post, and pray and hope for many more letters just like his! Chump Lady…standing ovation!
So happy for your continued healing and that you are spreading the good word! I’ve let a few newbies I’ve encountered know to come to CL and scroll to the very bottom to find the starter package. I go back there from time to time to get my baseline information and to help process.
The types of cheaters (I’m still not sure which one I have–he got the twu wuv twinge and dropped me like a hot potato to go pursue them all while showing back up at my home to eat dinner after he moved out and to try to text, call, and chat like we were old friends)–does this make him a cake eater or abandoner? Or just screwed up? Now know it doesn’t really matter, I just trust he sucks!
What type of chump are you? I was definitely was an amazon chump the first time I encountered the discard! I even diagnosed him as having a mid-life crisis at the time even if he was only 34 years old. That was all the info I could make sense of 12 years ago.
The desparate need for kibbles by the cheater. I think this one is my all time favorite. He definitely seeks approval in everything he does! I always said he was high maintenance. Couldn’t even wipe his ass unless I was there to tell him how great a job he did.
The types of schmoopies. My ex definitely goes for the dumsels in distress. The latest one is in her twenties and finds a middle-aged bald old man that walks with a limp especially attractive since he has the letters MD after his name. Added bonus he spends lots of money on her taking her to expensive restaraunts and overseas trips!
I’m not sure where I would be in the process without CL and CN helping me to pull it all together. Again the disconnect between leaving because he is miserable but finding him at the house waiting for dinner. That’s a mindfuck right there (and another eloquent term from my friends here!).
Welcome to any newbies. I’m sorry you have to be here, but glad you found a home among friends who get it!!
MJB…you asked what kind of chump I was. I didn’t do the pick me dance, or seek self-help books, because he just bailed without warning. I was left standing there with 2 babies in total denial about his true nature, but pretty quickly the confusion wore off and the rage began. Who was this fraud I’d been married to? How on earth had I not known the true nature of someone I’d been so close to? I mean, had he ingested solvents? Was there an undiscovered blood clot? Face hugging alien controlling him like a puppet? Nope. He just truly, deeply sucked.
Thank God I found Chump Nation. I could FINALLY see him for what he really was, and was able to identify so many red flags I’d ignored. I’d spackled his shortcomings for years, and hadn’t been able to identify the total lack of reciprocity I’d settled for under the banner of ‘loving to serve those I loved’.
I can see people very clearly now. Takers are takers. Good character is identified through ACTIONS, not just words. I deserve someone to give as much as they get, or I’m just staying single. I may be on my own with 2 kids, but I have pride in myself and I have my dignity. I will model that for them, by God. So many other things I’d hoped they would grow up seeing (like a healthy, loving, and present father) were taken from them without my control. I focus now only on what I can control, and that’s the best I can do. I can finally live with that.
SuperDuperMeh,
Thank you for your letter. It gives me so much hope.
Be patient about your children, the only un-meh thing in your life from what I can tell.
My adult sons are finally leaving the stage of blaming me for not saving their parents’ marriage (why they think it is our job, as if we were the ones who cheated, mystifies me. ChumpLady has addressed this many times, but it still stumps me why our children get angry at the chump). My youngest just hugged me a few hours ago saying “Mom, you are much better off now”. He sees who is rebuilding their lives and how.
And, yes, yes, yes, like SuperDuper, I thank you ChumpLady for what she does.
This is killing me right now. ALL FOUR of my kids have, at various points this month, told me how sorry they feel for “poor dad” living in his little apartment, all alone. ALL FOUR have asked, either directly or indirectly, if I couldn’t please just go back to being miserable so we can all live together again.
I have reacted with rage each time: “Are you telling me I deserve to be treated with disrespect and contempt?” They mutter back, “Well, no, I guess not, but…” They know what he did, but they apparently don’t think it’s all that bad. AAAAUUUGGGHH!!!
That is quite a bit of weight for you to carry. I am so sorry. I truly believe your kids just want to return to life before reality hit. In many ways, kids are chumps too. They hit the hopium pipe too, sometimes much harder.
Kids are manipulated by the Cheater with insinuations or blatant lies regarding the Chump. Sorry kids, I was willing to work on our marriage but the Chump wasn’t interested. Chumps a grudge holder. Chump’s a pathological liar, Chumps a bad parent, Chump’s never happy..,
Chump has mental issues.., Chump is unreasonable.., they will blame the Chump and say what ever works to win the kids favor while playing the victim.
Our kids will eventually mature and see them for the asses they are and realize they were manipulated.
Yes, what Grace said.
I guess this is a teachable moment. Show the kids how shitty cheating is. How so many lives get blown up because of one parent’s enslavement to his lower nature.
I guess your children are young. If they were grown, I’d think you could advocate for them to go back to their dad and tell him to get his shit together.
I think a little heart-to-heart with the adult children laying out the myriad specific decisions and deceptions that go into an affair should provide the ‘reality’ to override Dad’s faux remorse and sadz.
Hey, don’t take that shit. Kids or not.
It’s very easy to start feeling that you owe your kids an intact family. You do the best you can of course, but you don’t OWE them that when the other parent is an asshole. If their desire to have daddy home is more important than your happiness, I’d be having one hell of a pow wow with them.
One time, my daughter pulled this on me regarding her father. (Who is a deadbeat . . . blah blah blah.) She felt I “owed” her an explanation and holy shit hell hath no fury like a disrespected Rumble Mommy. I shut that shit down fast.
Hey, I’m all about “the children”. But you know what? You matter too. You love your kids but you don’t let them rule you.
All kinds of bad can happen when the disordered see that nothing happens when they cheat. And chump is the one who pays. Merry heart? Gone. Peaceful sleep? Gone. Calm mind? Gone. Stable emotions? Gone.
I know a chump whose cheater turned to perversion. (I know. Not all cheaters will ramp out to become Monsters, but this one did.) And she lost her whole family. Now she is losing her mind.
We have to understand, the kids are just like us, they hope too. They wish their family could be intact. It’s an ugly, bitter reality. Chumps feel it, and so do the kids.
Cheating is just a nuclear bomb for the family.
If children think it’s OK for Mommy to lay herself down on the alter of Daddy, as if Mom doesn’t matter, they need to be checked. There are worse things in the world then to have divorced parents. Hell when my parents divorced, my two siblings and I were dancing in the streets. (He was quite an abusive asshole.)
My point is, trying to guilt Mom into taking back their cheater needs to be nipped in the bud. A single parent has enough shit to contend with than allowing that to continue.
You are making such an important point, Rumblekitty. What does a mother teach kids if she “lays herself down of the altar of Daddy, as if Mom doesn’t matter?” That just breeds another generation of chumps, who don’t expect reciprocity, respect or decent treatment.
The other important teachable moment is: When you do shitty things, other people don’t want to be with you. That’s how Cheaterpants chose his own fate.
Even when the sadistic cheater leaves YOU he can pull the pity party for the kids . Even in late teens he managed to extract a story that he was living in such dire straights that he was low on food (complete lie). Despite the fact the 4 of us were living on less than $100 day in the process if being made homeless and being assaulted with legal bills . It took a bit of distance for them to see reality and get the manipulation.
Kristen – If they are so concerned about their dad being alone, why don’t they tell him to go move in with the woman (or women) he cheated with? That should resolve his loneliness issues. After all, he broke up his family due to cheating.
Word.
ClearWaters – The children do that because you’re the safe and sane parent. It took me a while to realize that, but once I did, I was able to give my kids (20 and 17) the space they needed to vent. I’m not the one who walked out on the family to pursue their “right” to happiness. I’m not the one who doesn’t feed them when they’re with me. I’m not the one who welches at the proverbial last hour on major life stuff. Every. Single. Time. No. I’m the one who’s there. I’m the one telling them I love them every day, to their faces, looking directly at them. But more than that, I’m the one showing them I love them through my actions. Did they yell, scream, blame me for everything. Sure. But now, after five years, they see the constrast. They live it. They know now. The testing is over. I’m still here. And he’s not.
Awesome letter SEC! We wish you well! I wouldn’t just let your kids hate you. Chumps, trying to be well meaning and give people space, tend not to tell their story to kids, and in the absence of info from both sides, only listen to the Cheater. Find a way to get in touch with your kids, phone, email, text and tell your side, so The Cheater doesn’t control the narrative and you can begin to rebuild your relationship with your kids. Hugs!
I agree with this 110% you have to be honest with your kids, the chump is not being and they deserve the truth. I asked many therapists when I was chumped
If I tell my kids the truth, they all said yes. It will be hard in the moment but deep down they already know and hate everyone is lying by voice or omission to them. So happy for your next chapter starting to be written! You deserve all this happiness.
Great story! So glad everyone is doing well!!
My personal definition for Meh is just the realization that “The Whores (cheaters and affair partners) just aren’t worth it.”. My main wish is that anyone affected by cheating see the cheaters for what the really are. Worthless, cheating lying whores, the lot of them. No more sadness over the loss of them, although you can still miss how your life should have been.
Anita – I second that! They aren’t worth our time. I rather focus on living happily. I do allow myself to mourn the future that never will materialize, but then again I am not getting stuck, I rather build a new future.
Goes to show: “Mighty” does not always come with fireworks and trumpet fanfares. Sometimes it arrives quietly, in a modest apartment, with one kind person squeezing another kind person’s hand. But however it shows up, it’s always a beautiful thing.
This 🙂
Super
So glad you are okay and survived. Your ex is a waste of skin, and your kids will likely come looking for you once they become old enough to see the truth.
Wishing you many more MEH days. I’ve learned MEH is not a linear process but l do live there 99% of the time. I like to say – you can’t say MEH without ME! Make sure you keep your focus on you, not just your new lady.
Congrats CL as well! My healing started when I clicked on your site. Anger propels, humor heals, and the support on this site makes me tear up too.
Gotta change my screen name – NOLONGERchumpfor21!
How lovely it would be to have someone validate you with a warm squeeze of the hand.
When my dermatologist caught me tearing up at my appointment this past Monday, I lied and told her I was just tired. Truthfully though, her hand moving down my back to check for skin cancer was the first human touch of concern that I had felt in years.
This blog helps with the loneliness. Thank you, Chump Lady and Chump Nation.
Oh Chutes! I am the same way!! These days I try to give touch to women who are hurting.
Yes that lack of touch exacerbates the pain. Something set me off last weekend and then it was magnified when I really wanted a shoulder to cry on and realized that it was the shoulder that was supposed to be there for me that was hurting me and I did not have a replacement like he did. Just one more reason why he sucks. He made sure he had a replacement shoulder and then took mine away.
Dear Chutesandladders and QueenMother,
Many many hugs to you both,
You are sweet caring ladies,
Your cheaters lost a gem when they lost you!
♥️♥️
I hear you Chutes, I hear you. The human touch. And with CN I don’t feel so lonely.
My hairdresser washing my hair is my only source.
I had the same thing happen at my gyno appointment. The Dr. Was doing my breast exam and I burst into tears. He stopped immediately. I told him what had happened. I never gave it a thought before….but the touch of a man tore me up. Going to the Goodwill the first time too. I had done it for 20 years, I’m a thrifty shopper. But I had to take my girls shopping for clothes due to the Ex not letting us in the house. I broke down in the dressing room of the Goodwill.
It’s been 5 years, I am way way way better off, BUT I still trigger. Yesterday’s post about “stuff” was not good for me. I’ll go back and read it, but I know the anxiety feelings I get, so I take a step back.
(Tracy) >>The Dr. Was doing my breast exam and I burst into tears. He stopped immediately. I told him what had happened. I never gave it a thought before….but the touch of a man tore me up.<<
This is very sad, Tracy.
I'm glad your doctor was wise enough to know your emotions.
You're not alone….I almost fell in love with my mammogram technologist.
She just knew right where to place my boobs and they got a hell of a lot of attention.
Pathetic. I know.
This times a thousand!!
Goes to show: “Mighty” does not always come with fireworks and trumpet fanfares. Sometimes it arrives quietly, in a modest apartment, with one kind person squeezing another kind person’s hand. But however it shows up, it’s always a beautiful thing.
So happy for you Super Duper Chump! Remember the best things in life aren’t things…………
It is amazing that the small things like having someone squeeze you hand can mean so much….it’s like having your existence validated after being trashed by a low down dirty cheater.
I recently had to have an emergency surgery that landed me in the hospital for a week. The majority of my nurses were male & I was stunned at the compassion and caring they showed while taking care of me. I cried when I realized that my ex-Mr. Runswithhookers did not have an ounce of compassion in his whole being and would have never helped me with my recovery. It was terrifying to think what would have happened during that time because I was unable to take care of myself. Thank god for sisters!!!
Chump Lady,
CN loves you too.
Thank you CL,
You give me hope by being here for me 24/7, you and CN are my EMS, my support, my everything!
Super, that’s the real proof of who truly loves you, isn’t it? (Who’s there during emergencies I mean). I hope you and the lady-friend go on to a beautiful future.
Congratulations!
I too moved to the ghetto without a penny to my name after BD. First night – had the best sleep of my life!!!
Anything is better than the mind fuck of living with the dissordered.
Glad you made it to the other side. Your children will eventually see through your X and will come back to you. It takes a lot of time ( ask me how I know ).
Your new friend sounds like a keeper. Thanks for sharing with us!!!
I am back in an apartment in a city and surprised to find how soon I was loving it more than my house (which we had to sell, and it pained me greatly at the time — this was the we’ll-be-here-for-20-years house in a great town with great schools just down the road). Of course, the last months that were spent in that house with X made it feel like something MC Escher drew — it became strange and surreal. I remember coming back to the house after I spent a week at my parents’ and feeling so nauseous walking in. Just removing that weight and moving on with your life is more than enough to bring one joy.
Chumponit, so true I felt the same way, We bought and lived in my “dream house” for 10 years. I did the same thing as you, after he left I felt sick eveytime I walked through the door, it was not home to me anymore. Best decision I ever made was to sell it and move on. Still looking for MEH, but it will come!
The crumbling of these dreams/bastardization of our lives as manifested in our homes post-revelation is just indescribable. I’m still looking for my meh too. Only started the ball rolling at the beginning of the year, house sold April 3rd, copy of signed final divorce papers received on May 19th. It gives me hope to feel like I can make any place “home”. I can feel it every time I walk into my apartment, and it does give me comfort. I was nervous about what my daughter (18 months at the time) would think when she first arrived at the apartment, but once she saw her room (I tried my best to set it up the same as at the house, albeit with far less space), she was content. That helped a lot too.
ChumponIt–You’re still fresh out of the gate. Setting up your own place is a big step. Little steps (taking back hobbies, allowing yourself ‘me’ time, making new friends or re-connecting with old) will edge you toward a feeling of peace eventually.
Thanks for the encouragement, Tempest. I have squeezed in a boxing class (I’m with my daughter most of the time, so it’s been tricky fitting in hobbies), and have been making lots of plans to visit with friends and family (happily, with my daughter). I’ve definitely needed the reinforcement of personal connection this year. Hoping spending time with loved ones will help guide me there. When I can manage it, disconnection (that “me” time) has been nice too — not having to check in with/cater to the passive-aggressive soul-sucking vacuum that was my X.
ChumpOnIt, be careful not to equate valid and essential self-care (like exercise) with a ‘hobby’.
It’s an easy mistake – especially for a Chump.
Take care of yourself. It’s the best way to recover.
Fellow chumps? Will I ever be divorced?! This is taking sooooo long. It’s supposed to happen this week.
What will it be like when the judge signs the divorce decree?
What will it be like when we are divorced?
How will I feel? (I feel good now, finally.)
QueenMother, there is a feeling of relief for sure, accompanied by that little knot in the stomach with which I’m sure most of us are familiar. I am hoping the officialness of it all should be more relief than grief for you too. Fingers crossed it goes through as promised.
QueenMother – I was pushing the whole process forward despite my X’s resistance and mega-mindfucks during the whole divorce process. Curiously, after the divorce became final, I felt really depressed instead of relieved. The divorce decree felt like a death knell to me… The final step to the reality that the person I thought I was married to never existed.
My grieving really started after the divorce was final, and it was made harder by my shared custody challenges along with the news that my X married his mistress two months post-divorce. Shitty does not begin to cover how I felt at times over the past three years since DDay!
But now, over a year after my divorce has been finalized, my heart is starting to accept that my new life is mine, and I get to build it as the sane parent and successful professional I have shown I am despite the implosion of my life… I am so grateful for CN and CL, my life line through this craziness… Thank you everyone, and thank you SuperDuperChump for your letter, it reminds me that meh is not a steady state, it is a series of moments that are the result of choosing peace over justice in my post-cheater life!!
Same with me, Chumpitude. I powered through the divorce. Once he was finally out of my life for good, I got really really depressed, mourning the loss of my dreams. Then I lost my executive job too. It was a double whammy. Now one year later, I am fighting to regain a life and not let the Sociopath and the Slut Puppet win. My self confidence was shattered, so it’s been difficult to interview.
I also decided to take a full year for myself. I was very lucky I had the finances even after I paid off the deadest in the divorce who never paid for anything the entire time we were together.
I promised myself a year after my Independence Day, I would power through the whole getting a life back and regain myself. It is a slow process, but I have made progress In the last two weeks (divorce was final July 7, 2016). I force myself to get out of the house and interact with people. After the one person I trusted with everything tried to destroy me, I had to go into a cocoon of safety. I don’t like to leave the house, where as before I was an active person running tris and half marathons. I did “run away” for two months with my dog over the winter. We saw a lot of the South and I started to heal away from all the memories of my home and the horrific abuse.
I think everyone’s experience is different. I hope that people find their mighty, but sometimes you have to give yourself permission to fall part (a little) after trying so hard to keep it all together with these horrible monsters.
hopiumrecovery – I know exactly what you mean, for about a year I was a walking shadow, I have little memories of each day, I was functioning but not really there, so deep in grieving the loss of the life I had worked so hard to build. I wish I could have taken off, but that was impossible given shared custody…
My confidence was shattered too, and my professional life took a major hit in the divorce… I got hired a year ago, have been promoted and I’m doing better now as I regain my confidence…
It’s one day at a time, a rough road with shared custody shit sandwiches galore, but each day I remind myself that it’s better to live this than to be unknowingly married to a lying cheating coward.
This! Living alone with my dogs rebuilding is way better than living a lie. It wasnt the retirement i envisioned but you know what? Its all MINE!!
QueenMother, When I touched that divorce judgment for the first time, I felt lighter than air. It was FREEDOM itself. Like reclaiming my soul from the devil who stole it from me. I hope your experience is just as good.
QueenMother, I thought that when we had the divorce decree in hand I would feel this burst of freedom. I didn’t. But that could be because ex still had stuff (and it’s still there!) in my house, so it’s a constant reminder. He’s supposed to get it out on Saturday after I had to have my attorney send him a letter.
I actually cried on the witness stand when my lawyer asked me to verify that it was my husband’s signature on the petition. It hurt to see his name scrawled on the piece of paper, a final kiss-off, so to speak.
I’m doing better now, thank the Lord. Time, time, time! I can’t wait to get to meh!
Queen Mother,
Before the divorce hearing, I saw him in the court house waiting, looking sullen. I thought when he saw me he might ask me if we could get back together or tell me that he missed me, but he did not. During the divorce hearing, I remember looking at him and thinking, “There is my husband. We should be together but we are not because he committed adultery.” Every time I looked at him during the hearing, I alternated between feeling sad and imagining him having sex with OW. I remember leaving the court house that day, walking slightly behind him and hearing him call out to someone he knew in the parking lot, like he didn’t have a care in the world.
When I got home, I realized that it was time for me to hire a mower. I called many ads until I found one who could come over right away. It felt different to see someone else beside XH mowing the yard.
That night, I broke down in uncontrollable sobbing, only the second time since we seperated and divorced. It was very scary; I could not stop crying and I just plowed through an entire box of tissues. I was only able to get about 3 hours of sleep.
A few weeks later, I received the signed divorce degree in the mail. It was a very sad feeling, a feeling of finality. Two years later, I realize there was no other option for me. XH gave me nothing to work with. He never admitted to his affair despite the physical evidence. The damage he sought to repair was not to the marriage, but to his False Self. It was more important for him to staunchly defend his image than to be honest with me about how his conduct had affected our marriage.
So powerful chumptacular! The realization that they only want to repair the false self not the person underneath. I will hold onto that!
Honestly I stepped out into the sun form the courthouse and felt like a new person, lighter, happier, freer. If I could have ordered dancing bears and confetti cannons for the Occaission I would have!
May you find the same happiness at the end of the long dark divorce tunnel.
Wow!
ChumpOnIt, that feeling you describe upon returning to your house reminds me of the feeling that I had when James Bond suddenly departed forever: no more dread. Yah! His spirit was a spirit of dread. His soul was dragging around all of that stink and dead weight from mixing it up with both prostitutes AND church ladies.
Prostitute stank all over the house here too, QueenMother. And you’re right — the air in the house was just wrong. No wonder — it was polluted by rotting soul.
THIS!
“His spirit was a spirit of dread. His soul was dragging around all of that stink and dead weight from mixing it up with prostitutes”
I couldn’t place that weird smell in the house after he left-now I know I’m not crazy!!
I’m remodeling the whole place now………..
Burn some sage. I’m not a new agey type but there was something empowering about it-and I loved the smell. Prostitutes don’t smell like sage. ?
I’m not far behind yall. A little over a year ago we built our house with the intentions of starting a family. I got pregnant a few months after we moved in and then my DDay came 2 months before my daughter was born. The house is for sale now. When asked why I want to sale its because ever brick, board and nail reminds me of him and the plans we had for the future. I know my Tuesday will be the day me and my daughter have our own place with a new future. Getting to that Tuesday is like a living hell. But now that I have found ChumpLady I am still in hell but I see there is hope. So thank you ChumpLady and ChumpNation for all your support!
SuperDuperChump,
I am in awe of you.
You are all things good, and mighty is not a strong enough word for you.
Funny, but when I read your post, it makes me think of my Mother. She was such a good loving person. She taught me to be kind to others. She was so happy when I became a nurse as she believed I could really help people in that profession.
She was right, I was able to help people, but you know what, SDC, those same people, they helped me right back. They still keep helping me
every day of my life. They are people like YOU.
Tears ran down my cheeks reading your story.
You are an amazing, wonderful person and I am so glad you found true happiness.
Your children are emotionally blind. Their sad loss.not your’s.
You are indeed mighty. I stand and salute YOU on Tuesday and every day.
Xxx
Thank you CL for such an amazing post today!?
I so needed to read your story today, as your description of plans and dreams that will never be hit really resonated with me. I am still grieving all of that, and it’s been 2 years. Thank you for the hope, and wishing you and your new chump-lady all the best!
I agree, Owlbaby! When I get hit with a wave of grief it is always about the future that was taken from me, by the one person I cherished most.
I am so much better off in SO MANY WAYS, but there is one thing that I will foever mourn: the dream of sitting with my lifelong partner on the front porch, watching our children and grandchildren arriving for a visit.
But I’m slowly accepting that trading in that dream, which was based on a partner that was never truly a partner, is so much better than living with the reality of who that exhole really is.
New dreams are brewing!
Hey KHar73 —
What do you think is the updated version of that dream? I too had the same dream. I wonder if the dream is the same? Just X-hole is gone?
Your description is spot-on, “wave of grief.” And I think wanting our children to experience an intact family, it is so very hard to get past the anger I have for him robbing them of that, for saying that his desire to chase his happiness and thriving butterflies is supremely paramount to that of our kids. The price they have paid and will continue to pay is grotesquely high, and I think that is my biggest obstacle to meh. Will keep working on it though, trying to form new dreams, like you suggest. Thanks for the lift!
OwlBaby, I could have written your post to the letter. Exact same sentiment. Please visit my blog sometime. I think you’ll be surprised at how similarly we feel about parents that could so deeply harm their own children and think little of it. It helps to know the rage we feel on behalf of our children is not due to some flaw within us; it is justified and it is shared by others. Best to you.
I just read “What this blog isn’t” and “Divorce by tsunami,” and both your writing and snarky insight is SPOT on! Will definitely be working my way through your content this weekend, you have a gift for clarity of writing about our specific type of anguish! And the closure/autopsy analogy just spoke to me! Thanks, HatH!
That was my parting speach… ” you want this divorce and there will be no more bdays anniversary s weddings christmas christenings …every future event for our family of 5 is shattered for ever. ” just got a blank look . He was already in love with the new one and there w as nothing that would change his perception
Yeah, I got the “I’m leaving you, not the kids. I will always be there for them, yada yada…” They have absolutely no ability to foresee consequences because Schmoopie and their own me-first mentality have them believing that fantasyland is but a hop-skip-and-a-lay away, and our adult/reality-sounding warnings are so offensive to their narc-ish selves that the default response is the toddlerish, hands-over-ears-la-la-la crap. My daughter told me, “Mom, I am sooooo glad I inherited YOUR logic genes, and not Dad’s.” It is so nonsensical because these fwits put the burden of reconciling the relationships with their kids (that THEY ran off the rails) upon the innocent kids that are just reacting normally to the treachery none of us saw coming! All three of our daughters (16, 18, 21) have asked their brother (19) to give them away at their weddings, and they are struggling with whether they even want their father AT their respective weddings; so very sad. Like you said, the normal family occasions that should be so celebratory have been forever-tainted by these people, which just calls out the mama and papa bears in truly loving parents that refuse to follow the good-ex script by endorsing their rote “I love my kids, and I’m a good father/mother” ramblings. And these parents will continue to claim WE are alienating them, when we don’t have to say a DAMN thing against them, because their own selfish behavior is speaking loud and clear to the kids. The hostility we get from these immoral, unremorseful bastards who had the benefit of CHOICE when it came to protect-or-blowup the family (a choice they made damn sure the rest of us did NOT have) is as mindblowingly hypocritical as it is relentless. Sorry for the rant, choir-folk! But thanks for listening. I feel SOOO much better 😉
Preach it! I am always amazed at how so many of these posts about what adulterers say is literally word-for-word. I’m convinced there is a cheater script that they memorize. I got the “I’m leaving you, not the kids” speech, too. That was quickly followed up by further magical-thinking, “I’ll stop by during the week and we can play video games, have dinner, it can be like old times!” Old times? Really? Um, first, you were never home for dinner during the week. Ever. Secondly, you never played video games with the kids. Ever. I don’t think “old times” means what you think it means, big guy … Five years on, after multiple betrayals of varying sorts, the kids want absolutely nothing to do with him. I didn’t say a word. I just let their father’s character show them who he is and what he’s all about.
McChump, you are SO right! Our kids hear how they “talk” a good game, but they’re also “watching” how they play, too, and the latter is FAR more powerful. I once heard that the words someone speaks tells who they WANT to be, but their actions show who they really ARE. So glad to hear your kids and mine get it, and have self-erected the boundaries that will protect them!
I get the “death of the old dream” thing…I lived it (you CAN be abused, betrayed, abandonned AND widowed by the same person !!) but life is a surprise and you never know what is coming…
I like to remind people that “results will vary” BUT… I spent my 40s being beaten down by a cheater who over spent and treated me like shit. Challenging kids, sick dog, work, alcoholic mom…the whole run if dufficulty…
When I was 50, I found myself widowed, in a seaside village in Turkey with a handsome, tall, sweet man proposing to me…I said yes then we got on a yacht and sailed the Aegean Sea. Got off the boat and went to Istanbul to buy silk scarves and Persian carpets for our shared bedroom we would create for each other back home…
You just don’t know…don’t quit dreaming
Congratulations CL! You are a lifesaver and the voice of reason in a land of chaos!
By the way, in the early days after DDay 4 years ago, I had a very vivid dream that I was in a car following another downhill and surrounded by green grass (and this was BEFORE I knew about CL/CN!!). In my dream, I got to the bottom of the hill, the car in front of me was gone, and I had to decide which way I was going to climb out of the valley. Your cartoon today is like the snapshot of that dream, which gave me new direction.
SDC — don’t lose hope with your kids! My brother who divorced many years ago, lost touch with his middle son for 15 years. Immediately after the divorce, everything between them was fine and then one day it wasn’t. My nephew married and has a lovely wife and son and still would not contact his father. He’s now a 40 year old man. Just this past winter, he sat down with his father in a bar and they reconnected and now have the relationship my brother has wanted for years. I’ve told my brother to not ask why… just enjoy his new gift of son, grandson and daughter-in-law! He said it was the best present he’s ever been giving. Miracles happen!
Loving my meh-life!
Thank you Chump Lady. I don’t even want to imagine what I would have done, had your blog not existed. You’ve helped so many. Congrats on the 15million. Here’s to many more ??
SDC – glad you found MEH. Look after each other, and just be happy! Best of luck to you ?
PS – when does the new book come out?
Not for awhile! I’ve got to write it. However there is an audio book of Leave a Cheater coming soon! Will post more details as I know them.
Will you be the voice for the audio version??
Nope. That was just decided. But I get approval over the narrator. Which is probably for the best. I’m not a professional voice actor!
Maybe have a voice interview from among chumps, who are trying to find their Mightiness? (And need the work.)
Sandra Bullock?!?!? She is sure as hell MIGHTY!
Please say it’s gonna be Wanda Sykes hahaha!
SuperDuper,
You are a noble man, which is rarer than a mountain of rubies! You SHOW UP. These are the people that make life worth living.
As for your grown children, I am not sure what their problem is- but they need a knot jerked in them. I would use the info on this site last week when interacting with them-
BIFF
Brief
Informative
Friendly
Firm
And when calamity strikes, as it always does, and they try to call your ex wife and she is down in the Tenderloin plying her wares (sorry) or shacked up with another “minister” (what a joke) and MIA- guess who they will call?
If you keep going in the right direction, no matter how small- you will rise higher and higher. I am sorry you lost all your tools and money, but I have a strong feeling you what you believe you lost- you will regain one million times more- sans a dirty rotten cheater.
You rock.
What an honor to see my letter in print! Thank you all for the kind words. Heather is doing well and gets to go home today.
I hope that my story can be an inspiration to others. At 48, I left town in a beat up, junker car full of my belongings and headed off to a new, unknown future. I knew no one and started a new life that was much different than the comfortable lifestyle I was used to.
It has been wonderful sharing the past few months with someone who reciprocates so much caring and giving.
Again, THANK YOU Chump Lady and Chump Nation!
Wishing Heather a speedy recovery!
My sentiments exactly! I hope she is ok and on the mend. Sending healing juju!
And Electrohugs. Swift healing and thanks for the inspiration, SDC.
Love to Chump Lady, and all in Chump Nation-my family.
Meh.
Hey SuperDuper,
Your’s is really an incredible story!!! Every bit of it!
What happened that your kids hate you? Was is all of that reconciliation mind****, the chaos and confusion of lies where the innocent one gets scapegoated? Are you hoping that by just living a good life, being a decent person, the truth will come out?
You’re not only mighty, friend, you’re magnificent. I know how lucky I am that I found someone like you while I’m still young.
Thank you for sharing your story, Super. I wish you luck, and grace, and much joy.
Thanks, CL. I started reading you because you can write your a** off and made me laugh till I cried.
Thanks to all the posters; you lead the way with your courage and honesty.
Despite everything, “I think to myself/it’s a wonderful world.” (Louis Armstrong)
Good for you !!!! May HEALTH AND HAPPINESS BE YOUR CONSTANT COMPANIONS !!!!!
Superduperchump,
As I stand crying over a pan of scrambled eggs, I need to say this. You need a new handle. You are a chump to no one. That new friend of yours struck gold by meeting you.
Best of luck!
Just an awesome letter Superduper. Keep driving the road to meh! I see a bright life full of love ahead for you.
I found CL four years ago on a recommendation from a divorce site. I was getting my ducks in row before filing. I believed he was a jerk and I was tired of being a doormat. I had no idea of any cheating. Each story rang so true for me, I wasn’t crazy to want out. Then 3 days before I was going to file he became ill. I stayed not wanting my kids to think I was heartless. He died a year ago. He was a serial cheater, a narcissist through and through. This site was my lifeline, my best friend and my free therapy. I got the house, life insurance, basically everything but peace of mind. Understanding they suck, their mind games make no sense, their cruelty is not your fault and how we are truly better off without them is gold. Why did I put up with such crazy, because both parents are narcissists. I found my meh, when I accepted finding answers to the crazy, was crazy making. Bless you for openly saying this shit sucks out loud and sharing it with us.
On a side note, I believe our children and family turn on us because we have shown them we eat shit sandwiches and ask for more. When we stop they are angry we no longer sacrifice our lives, eat the shit to pretend we are a family.
Hcard, your last paragraph really resonates with me. I was a chump, am now married to a fellow chump. But about 2 years ago, a close friend learned her husband was cheating with a neighbor. She left him, and 2 of her 3 grown-all in their 30s-daughters wouldn’t speak to HER. The third daughter was Switzerland. One of the daughters said to her “You know how dad is” meaning the flirting he had always done. Like she was supposed to accept his fucking the neighbor just so they would have a “happy family”. She ate the shit sandwiches of him flirting, and drinking, but finally drew her line in the sand and they all turned against her. Fast forward, they reconciled. She suddenly died in January, and within 4 months he started living with someone else. (Previous ho moved away, but another neighbor told me he had kept up the affair unbeknownst to my friend until the move). So much disrespect shown to my friend, who was a sweet, kind, wonderful woman. A much better person than he is. So sad.
How horrible! God bless her soul. At least the neighbors know what a fuckwit he is! I hope a fleet of karma busses run him over!
Congratulations to you SDC! It’s a wonderful calm being at meh, isn’t it? It can be hard to be alone at first, but good people have a way of finding their way back to a good place.
And Chump Lady congratulations to you (and all of you here)! I don’t know where I would be without you. You’ve given me the gift of meh, the ability to see my ex-spouse’s actions for what they were, the ability to let go — and above all — a brand new super laser sight on my bullshit gun that allows me to spot and shoot down bullshit from 1000 yards away. I use that gift everyday.
It came in especially handy during the end of the marriage and throughout the divorce. “You know if you would have been more……” BAM!! “I didn’t think you cared……..” BAM!! “I didn’t have a choice because…..” BAM!! “This wasn’t planned…….” BAM!! “You’re just as much to blame as…..” BAAAAMMM!!
She doesn’t even bother trying to talk to me about anything outside of kids’ stuff anymore because she knows it’ll be high noon at the OK Corral if she tries to push anything with even a hint of blameshifting or gaslighting anywhere near me. It feels good to know that I don’t put up with bullshit anymore. And it feels even better to know that she now knows this too.
Thanks again Chump Lady (and Chump Nation)!!
Now THAT’S what I’m talking about!
Love this, Blindside!!! You go!
Oh Blindside, I love this!!
I’m envisioning my own bullshit gun and BAM!
“you didn’t mean to hurt anybody”—BAM!!!
Thank you Chump Lady, for taking the time to maintain this blog, when you have long since reached Meh. It is currently a daily strengthener for me (not going back, not going back), and a lifeline for many.
SDC, your story is raw and beautiful. I am happy for you – peace in the downs and ups.
Yes, thank you, Chump Lady. You are at Meh, have a good marriage and could just forget about us. But instead you help us.
Weeping.
Me too. But I would like to bitch slap that so-called “wife.” And those kids. A little anger never hurts.
Agree. There are still some CN stories that boggle the mind. Imagine leaving a spouse to die because you wanted sex. I’m incredulous.
Speechless, jaw dropping and there’s no word to describe her lack of humanity. Evil is much to kind.
I seldom post, but do still read every day. Tracy, thank you for keeping this blog going and for you do for us Chumps and the new same narrative about cheating.
My two DDays were 10 years ago. I floundered for the first few years – how I made it through the pain and confusion I don’t know. Living in another country with no family around , compounded the pain of seeing my 31 years of what I thought was a happy marriage wiped out without a backward glance from him.
I found your site a few years later. The topic of that particular day that I found your blog was on forgiveness and I can’t begin to tell anyone how that changed my outlook – and my life. Tracy, you gave me “permission ” as it were, to feel the way I did on forgiveness. I was beating myself up for years on my inability to forgive the cheating POS and SOB – I was stuck. Suddenly, there you were, telling me that it was ok for me to feel that way and the anger I carried was not because I was a lesser being.
You virtually saved my sanity. I celebrate this milestone with all of CN and thank you from the bottom of my heart – congratulations Tracy. Together the narrative is changing, one blog at a time, one view at a time.
Best wishes to you all.
The site saved my sanity too….it flicked a switch in my head from ” trying to forgive whilst inwardly wanting to scream and shout and kick him into touch …. but that didn’t seem ” correct” – as I hadn’t done enough to try to save Us. Thank god I found the site & read the book because it was my “road to Damascus moment!” And I have not look back. It showed me if I felt angry and wanted to kick ass and scream and tell the serial cheating f##k he was a duplitious s##t throughout our marriage – that was OK. AND FINALLY I felt I was being true to MYSELF and my I got ME back. Track – thankyou. Two and a half years in one sided wreconcilation and BOOM …. I read the book and I have not looked back….25 years together…..and I had unknowingly been worn down by “something being adrift….” it took your book and this site and the tales and ENCOURAGMENT from fellow chumps to get me out of the hell I had not realised I was in. No longer. 15 million and counting. I hope that means millions of lives similar to me “saved” from further ABUSE.
Track – you should be so proud of yourself and what you have achieved. The positive impact you have had on so many lives is incredible…I wish you could be put forward for a prize to humanity……… there must be one out there!!
TRACY…sorry about misspelling your name!
I think the “funniest ” part in the whole wreconcilation was the moment when STBX saw me throwing out the 10 or so book on ” how to rebuild you marriage ” etc etc and instead replace it with the re- reading of your book …swiftly followed by “wolf in sheep’s clothing “when love is s lie” etc etc. I think it was at that point he knew the “game ” was up and the “worm had turned. Priceless…….
Thankyou everyone x
Congrats Chumplady! Your stats are great! Goes to show people need your message!
I wonder how Treacle-y Tim’s webpage is stacking up! I am sure you’re leaving him in the dust where he belongs.
********
SuperDuperChump,
You are alive by the grace of God!
How long were you languishing in the heat before being found?
I had an elderly neighbor who had the same situation when her power went out (minus cheating and stealing). She was found barely alive a day after she collapsed on the floor and taken to the hospital. It was too late and she died 2 days later.
You survived and now you are flourishing! Keep on keeping on!
Congratulations, CL!!! That is an amazing accomplishment!
And Congratulations to SuperDuperChump! You made it!
This site is interesting because of all the unique stories that share an unfortunate common thread. A s I read this morning’s post, I could obviously see that glaring thread but I found myself rather emotionless because this type of meh seems so distant to me. It is like thinking about finishing a marathon when you just started training for a 5k. Don’t get me wrong- great for you! But still a fairytale for me. I am just great full for the periodic moments of meh in the daily process of divorce and these are certainly an improvement over the shock and pick me dance day’s.
fornnow I get meh from this site by having a place to share my daily struggles and knowing someone will get it and I won’t drag that person down. Thanks for that chump lady and chump nation.
This morning adult daughter once again had the misfortune of Stbx driving by her and honking while she was running. She has been estranged from him since he left. When she got home, there was yet another text from him with the last for lines of the following song lyrics. (He has sent her multiple texts with various portions of these lyrics over the last several months and she never responds)
Anyway- more proof to me that he is a narc putting his happiness above all else. He is pathetic and obviously we are incompatible because I prefer to look for the meaning of life in the Bible not a little big town song. There is a little bit of meh as I laugh at the absurdity in the lyrics. Day to day.hope I can bring someone else a laugh!
“Happy People”
Happy people don’t cheat
Happy people don’t lie
They don’t judge or hold a grudge
They don’t criticize
Happy people don’t hate
Happy people don’t steal
Cause all the hurt sure ain’t worth
All the guilt they’d feel
If you wanna know the secret
Can’t buy it, gotta make it
You ain’t ever gonna be it
By takin’ someone else’s away
Never take it for granted
You don’t have to understand it
Here’s to whatever puts a smile on your face
Whatever makes you happy people
Happy people don’t fail
Happy people just learn
Don’t think they’re above the push and shove
They just wait their turn
They always got a hand
Or a dollar to spare
Know the golden rule what you’re goin’ through
Even if they’ve never been there
If you want to know the secret
Can’t buy it, gotta make it
You ain’t ever gonna be it
By takin’ someone else’s away
Never take it for granted
You don’t have to understand it
Here’s to whatever puts a smile on your face
Whatever makes you happy people
These days it ain’t always easy to find
They’re the ones who you want standing by your side
No time for greed, if they need some, give ’em a slice
And we’ll all be happy people
Well life is short
And love is rare
And we all deserve to be happy while we’re here
P.s. Personally I would substitute people with character for happy people.
That’s …evil.
I have no words.
She should send back the first two lines about how happy people don’t cheat and lie!
But NC is still best.
Your daughter needs to block him. He’s a sick one.
Maybe I don’t get it?
Cheaterpants was trying to make a point with this poem?
He wasn’t happy so he had to cheat and lie? Is that what he’s implying?
Or, as applies to chumps: happy people “don’t criticize, don’t hate”? Yah, happiness, is like that. Wives get unhappy when there’s cheatin and lyin goin on. It might sound like criticism to a cheater when she’s telling him how destructive his actions are to the family. Sorry.
I guess I just don’t get Cheaterpants’ point with this lyrics?
You are right! There are so many ways to look at it- I hadn’t thought of it that way! He wasn’t happy, so he lied and cheated.
I think the right thing , though, is to not waste brainpower trying to figure it out-he is disordered.
to SuperDuperChump:
PLEASE tell the children the full story. It’s not your job to protect their mother’s reputation. It’s your job to continue living in integrity and with honesty. Stick to the facts, and it will be okay.
Your story moved me to tears. You are mighty!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you Tracy and the members of Chump Nation. It is so sad that there are that many of us, but I am very thankful that I have CN. I am over one year out and so grateful for Tuesdays!
Dear SDC great meh story. Ive tears of happiness for you! And wishing heather a speedy recovery. I dont post very often anymore but i read this blog every single day. It helps keep me mighty and chump nation saved my life and my sanity for which i am ever grateful. All of you here helped me trememdously. Im seven months in my little house on my little street and rebuilding me a piece at a time. I work part time retail and my hours can be very different from week to week and the schedule constantly changes but im earning a living getting out of the house and loving rediscovering me. Ive axed all who are a hinderance to my sanity from my life. Im over four years out and still not completely meh but im 3/4 there. I still hurt at times that my future dreams were destroyed by an asshole. I was with him 30 years married 27. But i get better every day. A guy friend of mine ive known over 40 years asked me one day hey wheres my kar marie? The kiss ass one the one who takes no prisoners where is she? Kar marie! Come out come out wherever you are?! I was laughing and crying at the same time. He was right the core of me was buried. Well im back!!! I found chump nation late in 2013 and with all your love and support kar marie is going uptown!!!! Ive made the most wonderful friend here you all know her as jeep tess. And it was destiny. She is beautiful and vibrant full of love and care. Shes the sister ive always wanted. This site made it possible for this incredable lady and i to come into each others lives. The most important thing ive learned through here is how to set bounadaries keep them set and continue to move forward. I was discussing with her last night how getting to meh and learning what we learned not only allows us to help and comfort other chumps but others in general. In other words how not to eat shit sandwiches no matter what the situation is. Theres a lot of bullying going on in the world and chump lady has helped trach us to stand up and not be a doormat for anyone! I love you all and a huge shout out to my girl jeep tess!!! We are mighty we are strong and we aint gonna take shit sandwiches anymore!! From noone!
Well i just welled up at this!
Seriously the feels this early in the morning . . . Sniffle sniffle. I love this story soooo much. SuperDuperChump . . . From the ashes we rise! On to better things – you deserve to be loved – you are mighty!!!!!
I must also add….I have a new respect for police officers. My life was saved by a newbie officer who broke protocol and busted out a window because he had a gut feeling that something just wasn’t right.
Not a week goes by that I thank a police officer for his service. It appears that only the negative aspects are reported by the media.
Thank God for that young man’s keen instincts and willingness to break protocol.
What is it with these POS asswholes leaving us after dumping us off after surgery?
I went into surgery to have two cysts removed from my ovaries. One was the size of an orange the other a golf ball.
The doctor explained to my husband that if he couldn’t stay with me for 24 hours, albeit he could move around the house a bit, then I would need to stay put in the hospital because I risked internal hemorrhaging. Troll fucker signed the paperwork and took me home. He gave me some crackers so that he could administer my meds which would knock me out. He promptly left me to go to our sons’ football practices. I woke up a hours later with him nowhere to be found. When I called him, he took almost 40 minutes to call me back. He refused to come home until both practices we’re over. He then proceeded to come home with dinner for him and the boys and nothing for me because he didn’t think I would be hungry…you know because I hadn’t eaten in over 24 hours. The part that kills me is that he could have just left me in the hospital and they would have taken excellent care of me and he could have still gone to his practices. SMDH.
Damn I’d forgotten about this until today’s article. We are so much better off without them.
You just called my hysterectomy story to mind. Cheater was there when I went under but my friend stayed and drove me home. He had to leave to catch a plane for a boys weekend drinking in Florida followed by fucking schmoopie in Florida while I recovered. Now I think how he said ilybianilwy when he was leaving and think if you cared at all, would you have left me in surgery to go fuck schnoopie? Anger is rising.
I’ve been at meh for about 2 years now, but stories like this reaffirm that divorcing that cheating POS was the best thing I ever did.
He had the nerve to be shocked that I divorced him. Dumbass got served at his and Shrek’s little live nest. Let me get this straight, you ran off with the whore and are living with her, but I’m not supposed to divorce you. Their amount of entitlement is through the roof.
You are better off without him in your life to bring you down. Let his schmoopie see how well he takes care of her in sickness or after surgery once the newness wears off.
Amen- they better hope they never get sick or have a problem.
Mine first reacted positively thanking me for “stepping on the gas” in the divorce process but quickly changed his tune when figured out he wasn’t in control anymore and divorce would cost him.
Ah Feelingit,
About those marriage vows, ” I do I do I Don’t!”
Thank God for good friends getting us through our surgeries with genuine caring, been there too many times.
I hear you.
One day your cheater will be ill, need surgery and need care and TLC,
One day, his turn will come, it is in the stars, it is inevitable.
Your daughter will not be there for him either,
He’ll be listening to his song all alone,
A pity a pity.
You hang in there, I see your strength getting stronger every day.
He will soon be less than a spec in your rear view mirror.
CN is pulling for YOU!
Thanks peacekeeper- love your constant optimism! If you are this encouraging with your family, they are lucky to have you and I hope they know it!
My XH was dick-deep in his affair with Schmoopie during my knee surgery (unbeknownst to me). While it was just an ACL reconstruction, XH let me dehydrate while I recouped at home in our guest room on Percocet. 2 days following the surgery, I woke up with severe stomach pain and nearly passed out. I told cheater to call 911. He just stood there looking at me until I started screaming. Turns out, I was very dehydrated and the pain pills caused the stomach discomfort. I seriously believe he wanted me to die that night. Life would have been so much easier – life insurance check and his “nice guy” image maintained.
Ex left me for his now wifetress about 3 weeks later, after we scattered my Mom’s cremains in Maui.
So glad you survived!❤️
Your knee isn’t the only thing that improved!
Oh man am I chopping onions?!
I think it’s worth noting that your strength and resilience probably comes from your exceptional character.
The weak-willed and selfish would not have fortitude to endure what you have.
And I am doing a tap dance (badly) about the blog numbers. FIFTEEN MILLION!!!!
All this is due to the dedication of ChumpLady, who was willing to write a blog that cost her money at first. And why did she labor for no discernible outcome? To rectify the injustice and oppression of the Reconciliation Industrial Complex, who advocate that victims continue to re-victimize themselves by staying in toxic marriages and admitting they were puppetmasters who “caused” their errant spouses to cheat. CL called bullshit, and set the world to right by revealing just how damaging betrayal is to individuals and families, putting the blame for the cheater squarely where it belongs–on the cheater, and offering a detailed road map out of post-betrayal hell. A masterful feat.
+1. Thank you and congratulations Chumplady!
We should all make a donation on the blog to celebrate!
Hey SDC,
Have an extra cookie for me.
Dear CL,
Congratulations on those amazing numbers. And thank you so much!
Yes, thank you CL for this blog. While it appears to me the RIC is in it for the money, praying on Chump desperation, “hey, want to make your life better, it’s only $500 a month” you offer CN this blog from the goodness of your heart … aka “empathy”, something the RIC lacks! Thank you for the time and effort you put into running it.
I haven’t quite reached MEH, because I’m going through “the divorce that will never end” while he sabotages my financial future … that makes MEH tough!
One thing this community has taught me is – there are others out there who absolutely understand what dealing with the mindfuck of a fuckwit is like. People who don’t live with the disordered don’t quite understand, and they look at you with this confused stare when you try to explain. Taken individually, some of the behaviors look like simple misunderstandings, but for those of us living with them, we truly understand the manipulation. I see now that my monsterous STBX is sadly one in 2.7 million other disordered fuckwits, working from the same playbook. There is a sick comfort in knowing I’m not the only one, I’m certainly not crazy (as he convinced me I was), and when I express my anger over it, CN understands.
This makes me think I would love to have a judge from chump nation here my divorce case!
CL, thank you so much for your blog. I too got sucked into the reconciliation sites, was so desperate to keep it together. Luckily I also had some mighty friends who advised me to kick him to the curb. Since I was the breadwinner, he got part of my retirement, part of the house he wasn’t even paying for and I got a falling down house and a ton of debt. I also got stuck in a foreclosure situation with the house HE was living in…..and he runs off into the night his ho-chick and pretends to the kids that he is wonderful and I am the bad one…..even though the year before I was nursing his behind with stage 4 cancer.
CDC, thank for reminding us that even when they clean us out financially and even attempt to run off with the kids, life can still be good…hell, life can still be great. And we will rebuild. And remember, your ex clearly has character issue. Your kids will eventually come around as they will see the truth as she cannot pretend she wasn’t the cause forever….
Congrats SDC you deserve these meh moments. After so much is robbed and stolen from use we feel this opposite, and without CN it just takes longer to get there. I started reading CL 3-4 years ago, the beginning of ending my 3 decades of eating shit sandwiches. So many of you have encouraged me, picked me up off the ground. We NEED each other and I don’t see the numbers going down on this at all.
And what is with the adult kids?!? My 3 have broken my heart on top of what their dad has done. The oldest (31 girl, single professional) has not talked to me in over 2 years. Ive reached out to her in every way possible. The boys (27 & 30) and their wives have been super critical of everything of me. Once they found out the truth from me a few years ago, they decided I must share in the responsibility, NOPE and so I hope one day they will find it in their hearts to see I had NOTHING to do with the choices cheater pants made. He was the one that left 31 years in the rear view mirror and never asked anything of anyone. Me, I needed and wanted the loyalty, which was NOT to come. YET!!! Ive let it go, hope one day when life catches up to them they will appreciate what I sacrificed.
I would also alike to thank CL and CN for being here for support of all fellow Chumps. I just found this site a couple of weeks ago and visit it every day. While sometimes it makes me sad to read all the terrible things Narcs do to people, I am also inspired by those Chumps who are making steps -even if it is baby steps – to move forward even though the future is uncertain.
Although my dumping a Cheater Narc was many years ago, I find comfort by finding knowledge on this site that is wasn’t ‘all my fault’, that I wasn’t ‘just jealous’ or ‘crazy’ just because I didn’t find him literally with his pants down. This was always his thing – because I never really ‘caught’ him, it was all in my head.
He has been married to the last one he cheated with, but because I am still friends with his family, I know that he wants to leave her but he can’t because she has the good insurance. I chuckle and shake my head at the Karma and thankful that she lives with him and not me.
Thank you all for the terms Gaslighting, Narcs, Spackle, etc because I experienced them, just didn’t realize what they were, which helps. All of this makes me know I did the right thing to get out when I did and not spend one more minute in that vicious cycle of blame and lies. Gaslighting is one of the worst!
So again, I thank all of you brave men and women who post your stories here as they all help others who are in varying stages of this recovery of cheating. My hat is off to all of you!
I really feel for you, Fireball. Being cheated on and lied to is only the beginning of this hell. Divorcing them is a special hell, too. Then the fallout of divorce: the friends and family.
Cheating is just a nuclear bomb on the lives of the spouses, families and community.
Such an inspiring story SDC. It comes at a time when I’m at a crossroad thinking of relocating. I keep ruminating over the what ifs. I’m in awe of your courage and perseverance.
Simple acts of love and kindness led you to gaining a life. Impressive and touching. Best wishes on her recovery.
Queen Mother, you are right about that! HELL Hell Hell, I never in a million years would have guessed for all the evil hell that followed me filing for divorce. Thank God Ive been divorce for 1.5 years, I have alot less money but there is NO price on the peace I have. I have also been seriously abused by the counseling community, christian and secular. Seems no one wants to point the finger at the guilty party. I don’t sugar coat and I have started to pick myself up. The most offensive comments I get is “YOU gave up”, you need to forgive for YOU, you need to move ON. UH, WTF, I can only live my life — true — so that is why I keep tight boundaries and limit my exposure to ppl who don’t get it! Thank you again CL for keeping me alive 😉
Congratulations, Chumplady!
Congratulations, Superduper! (You obviously don’t need the “chump” part anymore!
I don’t remember the first topic I read here, but it sent me to binge-reading everything in the archives and the forum, and I sure learned a lot. But I don’t remember–has there been a topic focused on how cheaters treat chumps when we’re sick or injured? Because judging from the stories here, there’s probably enough for another book.
Congratulations CL! Those numbers are so encouraging! You are changing the world, one Chump at a time.
As for you SDC, you are living proof that God/Allah/Krishna/The Universe, The Great Whatever or the Great Nothing returns to us what we put out. So happy for you and Heather and best wishes on her speedy recovery.
I don’t know what the story is with your children, but apparently your ex had a story to tell. You also have the truth to tell and hopefully you will be able to judge the right time to tell it.
And what are these references to “shame” and “living in the Ghetto?” That attaches an unnecessary stigma to people who many times, through no fault of their own, must live in a low-income and what some people (obviously Heather didn’t care) might consider, a geographically undesirable location. SDC you are a good, kind, hard-working person and so too are many of the other people who live in your area. The “ghetto” as it is, was your marriage. Better to live in a physical “ghetto” than a moral one. Let there be no shame in your economic recovery game.
Thank you so much for sharing your hopeful, heart-warming and encouraging story. My wish is nothing but the best for you and a future reconciliation with your children.
Fifteen Million! BOOM!
After Dday I felt as if a cannonball ripped through my gut. I cried nonstop and lost 41 pounds in months.
Generations of women before me suffered abuse at the hands of their spouses. My grandmother suffring through the depression cleaning houses as a child with no education. She went hungry when her father abandoned her mother and siblings. My mother, a beautiful woman crushed daily by a monster she couid not leave; a battered woman with Stockholm Syndrome died married to a monster.
And me? A chump who tolerated a monster, a covert narcissist who professed his love while leading a double life cheating while I raised three children. Discarding with cruelty, financial ruin and vicious abandonment as if I never existed.
The stories did it for me CL. Each and every day I’ve read one after another at first in disbelief and horror. Then I put down my pipe and knew I was reading the stories of my grandmother, my mother and my own.
You gave me the strength and will to SEE with clarity that I was not alone. That my life was worth living and while I couldn’t change the past I could fight for myself because I deserved better.
And being here has taught me my future is of my own making. Thank You for all you do Tracy. You are shaping new generations one chump at a time.
Thank you, CL. I’ve twisted myself in knots over Mr. Justification and his Schmoopie for almost a year and 3 Ddays. In March, I found Infidelity Help Group and Chumplady, and it’s been a slow unchumping process, but I finally told him this week that I’m done, and want to be formally separated by middle of August. I feel like the cloud has lifted, and I can see through Sad Sausage to the manipulation underneath.
I feel a huge sense of relief, and see light for the first time in a long time. And I don’t know if I ever would have gotten here if it weren’t for your book and the inspiring stories of CN. Thank you, thank you, a million times thank you!
ChumpLady – I cannot even begin to think where I would be without you, this blog, and Chump Nation.
I stayed for 4 -days over the course of 7 years. I told myself that I couldn’t leave and deal with having to “share” our son for visitations, so I stayed. And, my teenage stepchildren had to watch their Dad cheat on me… and me do nothing but pretend it wasn’t happening.
Then, he left me. He found someone who was “better”… younger, more wealth, hadn’t already seen the mask slip, didn’t know he was pathological lying bisexual whore… you know, “better”.
And I picked me danced for a year. A. YEAR. But during that time, Google and other non-RIC blogs led me to you. I read and read and read. It took me a year to share, but every time I did… every time I told my story, it reduced the shame I felt. I cast off the shame of being a chump and put on the cape of mightiness. ALL BECAUSE OF YOU AND CHUMP NATION.
SDC – I’m glad you’re here too. I’m glad you found a new cheater-free life. I pray your kids will find your way.
And, if you ever wonder if your X has changed, I share this story with you… my son had an accident where I thought he may have broken his hand/arm. I told Mr. Sparkles what had happened and asked if he wanted to come to the ER with me and our son. He said he would (and he did). YET – typical Narc… he was on his phone texting the whole time. He was there, but he wasn’t “present” for our son. AND … he later remarked “I changed my Saturday plans so I could be there.”… as if he we deserving some sort of pat on the back for being a parent. Fuckwits, the lot of them.
They don’t change, Newbies… they don’t change. TRUST THAT THEY SUCK.
Keep coming back to this community… dial up those page views and read the archives… tell a friend and fellow chump. We come here to get informed, get a backbone, get healed, get loved, get mighty, and get our Tuesdays.
You all rock… all 2.7 million of you!
“every time I told my story, it reduced the shame I felt. I cast off the shame of being a chump and put on the cape of mightiness.”
Man, that’s the truth. The shame was unbearable until I came here and started reading everyone’s story and sharing mine!
Bro, you made me cry!
Read that fable about the city mouse and the country mouse. You’re the country mouse.
Oh, and, I must confess. I think I’m 7 or 8 million of your hits. 😀
Lol, Stephanie, I was thinking my CL hits were probably topping several million at this point.
Millions and counting ++
Thank you CL, CN
SDC, you made my morning. My best to Heather and hope she heals quickly and fully. Your kids will come around or they won’t. Continue being your wonderful self and it will be what it will be.
The rest of you…Tracy and CN, you all mean the world to me. It is rather amazing the power one person has to help so many people. Because of everyone of you, my regrets have been limited. I am regretful though I never got my butt to a book signing.
Have a wonderful day CL and CN, you all certainly made mine. *hugs*
It’s funny, last night I was getting ready for bed and thinking of CL and Chump Nation and how much kindness, acceptance, and support I have received here, by folks who have never even seen my face. The craziness of my story doesn’t scare anyone here, I’m believed…which happened almost not at all even by those who know me and love me well. It’s an incredibly special place and there are very few places in life that offer the kind of safety and comfort this space does. Unless you’ve had this experience, you just can’t know, and I’m so happy we can all be there for each other. It’s restored my faith in people, held me up when nothing else did, and allowed me to see my own reflection in such a powerful way. I love you, my dearest chumps! And special love to Tracey for creating a space for healing. What makes the effects of infidelity abuse worse is continued gaslighting and not being believed or seen; this place is the opposite of that in every where. It really is shelter from the storm.
Yes K, I feel the same way. I work in the same large company as my ex. Everyone thinks he’s a great guy. He’s very outgoing and friendly. I’m reserved. The first time he left our home, our kids were 2 and 4 years old. He left so he could pursue a howorker (twice married and known for cheating on her current husband). I reconciled mainly for the kids. Fast forward 12 years and he’s leaving again for our teenaged daughter’s high school soccer coach. This twenty something girl has a host of woe is me stories.
Only my close inner circle knows what’s going on although I suspect the rumor mill at work and kids’ school flows. I have a couple of Switzerland friends. They just can’t reconcile that he sucks. I suspect most think I’m someone to be pitied or a royal bitch. I don’t think most people get the whole cake eating concept. Either the marriage was miserable because the spouse is x, y, or z or the twu wuvs struck because you were never compatible in the first place. Only chump lady and chump nation get the entitled, selfish, cake eater concept. I come here daily for help!!
One of our friends was just flabergasted that he would behave this way and she gets it. She gets the no contact thing and says there’s no reason you have to be ‘friends’ with him. He thought I’d continue to be chatty with him and be his support while he’s off screwing a young schmoopie. He thought I’d kids would be happy for him too. He’s a super sad sausage now. All divorced and lonely because no one wants to be his friend anymore. No wife. No kids. And I think no schmoopie (I don’t know and I don’t care).
Sorry that shit happened to you MJB. I swear these narcissists only seem to value people inferior to them or people more unavailable than themselves. They reserve their hate for those who see through them or treat them with respect and consideration. It’s fucked up but I’m so glad that I choose a narcissist-free life now. Unless they have their own wake-up call, I find that most can’t wrap their heads around people being this exploitative of others and so lacking in remorse. But what’s important is that WE know. Glad you are free of that turd!
K, I agree that most people have a hard time believing the craziness we’ve lived through. They think it’s something we made up, or we’re being overly dramatic. Here, people believe it when I say “my husband moved into the basement of his married schmmopie coworker’s parents to continue his pursuit of her.” Compared to stories like SuperDuper’s, that’s pretty mild. I’ve ready some pretty amazing accounts of cheater duplicity on this site, and it helped me comprehend how much they’re all alike.
Exactly! It continues to amaze me that they all take from the same playbook, but that was so instrumental in my healing too. The whole experiences make you feel like a freak to “normal” people, but I’ve realized that normal may not exist and there are lots of us chumps out there. Here, we’re not freaks, and that in itself is such a healing balm. Definitely I’ve seen way worse stories here than mine, but as I know what’s possible, I don’t disbelieve people. And it’s nice to laugh about it too, so ridiculous! Most people are horrified when I say things like “the day I found out I we were losing our baby, my boyfriend was sending a masturbation video to one of his OWs.” We all get it here.
K,
Beautiful post, Chump Sister, beautiful!
?
It’s true, there are readers searching for more to read. I look for blogs that started out about infidelity and died off. I assume because the cheated on spouse got tired of talking about it or she/he just wanted to let it all go. I have so much to say I have to hold back. Then, I need more to read and can’t find it. There is a hunger. It must be the human condition. We must need to know we are not alone in our pain I guess. I’m glad The Chump Lady keeps on keeping on. Thanks.
SuperDuper,
Fret not about living in an apartment in the bad part of town, nor of fitting your belongings in a car, nor of your ex cleaning out your accounts (I dealt with some of this myself.)
As I think you know, these are all setbacks that you overcome, and will continue to, because you’re a solid person. (Your ex and her minister loser, not so much!)
Keep at it! These small gains result in big changes a HUGE new life over time. It looks like you’re well on your way!
JC
Absolutely! These cowards who are takers believe they can rob us of everything.
The tides turn slowly but surely.
I too got tears in my eyes reading this. I am so glad things are working out for you SuperDuperChump. You deserve love and happiness from someone who will appreciate you. What your ex did to you is monstrous and yet you continue on, rebuilding your life because you are the strong one. Surely someday your children will recognize that as well. All of the meh stories give me hope for my future. So many others have overcome so much worse than what I am going through. I am no where near meh yet, but I have every reason to believe that I will get there some Tuesday (and hopefully stay there for every other day of the week as well).
Thank you also Chump Lady and Chump Nation. The biggest thing you have done for me is the continual reminders to “trust that they suck”. That was the biggest hurdle I have had to face, realizing that I am not really losing anything and he isn’t gaining anything and recognizing that it is ok for me to feel that way. I really was a good wife, and he really was wrong to bust up our marriage the way he did. It isn’t just my own bias that makes me feel this way, it really is true.
Chumpinrecovery, I cling to every one of the bits of wisdom gleaned here from Chump Lady and from the fellow chumps as well. So here is my learning / reminders for today (from your note):
— continual reminders to “trust that they suck”
— I am not really losing anything and he isn’t gaining anything
— I really was a good wife, and he really was wrong to bust up our marriage the way he did.
— It isn’t just my own bias that makes me feel this way, it really is true.
I know I am just copying your words, but I need the repetition, it helps!!!
dear super duper chump, i just LOVE you! and i LOVE the beautiful woman who wanted to show you her cookie-baking skills! you two totally rock. you represent EVERYTHING that life should be about. very best wishes to you both. xx
Thank you!! I have moved up the ranks from cookie sampler. That ribeye 2 weeks ago was out of this world. 🙂
My story of “Meh”. I am 6 years out from Dday and almost 2 years divorced. So, I have sure gone through a roller coaster of emotions over this time. I’ve posted before that I really believe it does take time to come to terms with the betrayal that happens in a marriage (we were married for 33 years). I have been saying for about a year that I think I have come a long way – but I had a new realization last weekend. My two sons and I were sitting by a fire just chatting and having a few drinks. The youngest, who still sees his Dad, mentioned something about his Dad’s life and that he and his latest girlfriend are having problems. In the past, I would have been interested in his comments. I realized that I truly didn’t care. I also realized that I just didn’t feel any anger anymore. All I could feel was pity for someone who was leading an empty life. To have the anger gone signalled “Meh”. It means he takes no space in my emotions or mind. He is just old, dead history. I really do have a wonderful life with a new 2 month old granddaughter, loving sons and daughter-in-law and old friends who have been there for me and new friends that I have met through new hobbies and shared interests. No woman could be in a better space. So, “meh” is possible. It creeps up on some of us slowly. Others get there more quickly. I wished and wished for it and then, when I let go, I realized it was here.
Lovely! 🙂
Finally Free Heart–and now your name truly fits you! Your story reminded me of a great quote from Mehbound about the “new life crowding out the old.” Enjoy that grandbaby!
Finally Free,
Your “Meh” story is absolutely beautiful. So happy for you and thank you for sharing it.
Happy for you SDC.
Congratulations and thank you CL your blog is making such a positive difference for those of us who really need it.
CL, such great news! ???A great big congratulations are in order! ?And I definitely plan to celebrate with pie! ?
SDC, I too was financially destroyed after Dday and have been living on the fly ever since (my first place had a leaky roof but only when it rained!?). The truth is, it’s way worse living with someone who destroys you every day. Even poverty recognizes truth and beauty!
When Dday hit for me, it was the day Fucktard told me he wanted a divorce and he had all those great reasons for doing so! ILYBINILWY, we married too young, have nothing in common, he wasn’t attracted to me (yet sex was a common occurance, even after twenty years together), etc, and it had nothing to do with his crap life skills and the fact that he was fucking his racquetball partner (what a cliche!) which I slowly discovered a few days later. I, of course, had no idea that he was cheating but it was then that all these little happenstances over our lifetime together began to make sense. The secretiveness, the belligerence, The gas lighting, the devalue, the time he spent away from home “working or at the club”, the financial decisions, the moves, the big purchases, the vacations, the disengagement from our children. This was in 2009, a little before CL began her blog. When I discovered CL I remember thinking “Oh Hell Yeah!” Someone who makes sense! Reading here also validated me. I had PTSD, was solely responsible for three young adolescents, struggling through a two year divorce (and a foreclosure on my dream home), and I knew Fucktard would go ballistic in our divorce and do everything in his power to destroy me and our past together. There were others here too. CL knew this. Funny thing about Chumps, we are resilient. Good things are coming, just got to believe. I look back at everything that has happened and believe that it was the universe’s way of telling me not to waste one more second of my one precious life with someone who so clearly did not deserve me. ? (Raising a glass of tea!)
My Tuesday was a Saturday. My DD was in January and we have been living in separate bedrooms as he stated he needed time to see a counselor, I am already seeing one etc.(bullshit, I know). I had been housesitting for a friend and was letting him know that I was bringing my stuff back and got no response which I thought was strange since he should be home with our dogs. I then did the whole family find deal for his phone and got a strange location. It was on the way to the house so I started out thinking he was out eating lunch or something, more chumpiness. No there he was parked in front of this lil bar. I took a couple of deep breaths and walked in and low and behold there they were together having drinks in the middle of a Saturday afternoon as big as life. I wish I had been able to take a phone of his face when he saw me. So I walked up introduced myself to her(by the way she was disgusting and dirty) looked at him and said good bye and walked out. I went home grabbed all his shit threw it in trash bags out on the drive. He came home an hour or so later and couldn’t understand why all his shit was in the driveway. I just said that I have reached my Meh and I no longer wanted him to be in my space and out you go. Of course he started the whole blame game and crying and whoa is me shit but thanks to CL and CN I was able to say this is my Hell NO DAY and you are out of my life. Since then I have felt more free and more calm and really good about the decision I made and standing up and saying HELL NO loud and proud was just so empowering. I now start my day by looking in the mirror and saying HELL NO very loud and out the door to work I go. Thank you CL and CN life is only going to get better from here.
OkieChump
OkieC, HELL NO is a very useful mantra for no-longer-chumps!
Tracey, congrats on the major milestone. I really daydream about seeing a movie some day about your blog. It has really opened my eyes to realize that cheating on a person is abuse, and goes in cycles just like physical abuse. That was certainly true of my experience. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of my ex and the family we had, but the stories here give me strength to keep going forward with my life.
By the way, we should all make a donation to the blog in celebration!
Lots of happy milestones today. SDC, you are mighty! There are a lot of shocking stories here at CN, and yours is a doozy. I hope your ex’s behavior was atrocious enough to cure you of any warm feelings you may have still had for her. It should have. Stealing from you while you were hospitalized due to her selfish neglect is a pretty assholean thing to do. And chumps can’t do better than to partner with a fellow chump. It may feel strange at first (so much reciprocation!), but you can get used to it. I’m so glad that you are healed enough to be happy and hopeful. And I am so glad that CL and CN are here to support that process.
Thank you Tracy! I’m so happy you did this amazing thing: you created this wonderful, validating community for us! I cannot tell you what a difference it’s made in my life. I’m so grateful to you!
Congratulations on 15 million hits– wowza! That’s “legit” as the youngsters say these days.
SDC: that is evil what that whore did to you — leaving you alone in your vulnerable state. I hope she dies alone and abandoned, she can see how it feels one day.
Brighter days are ahead!
Congrats CL!! Chump Lady and Chump Nation has been a true God send. Not sure how I found it several months ago but y’all have been a life saver. I literally ran out and immediately purchased the book the following day.
It was still early on and I was utterly and completely in the fog. Had gathered the evidence, made the appt with the attorney with desparately trying to hide the shame and embarrassment during the fear, panic, shock and disbelief from my children and family.
Has already started receiving the “trap” texts to call him bc it was pertaining to the children. Couldn’t see at all that it was the usual “let me beat you down” while continuing to lie, laughing and happy with my self-proclaimed sex web porn wam star! ((Repulsive))
The first advice I read was NC! It’s been since April and I have not answered on text, email or phone call. I am still reading and learning from all the various situations about what to do with his stuff, why hasn’t he asked for his stuff, accepting I will never get an answer as to why he did this to us.
I refuse to accept custody should be automatic 50/50. Teaching your children to accept being abandoned, dropping responsibilities, stealing and be a cheater and a liar is The American Way!
WTF???
Southernbellehell, oh how I love to hear people say things like: I refuse to accept custody should be automatic 50/50. Teaching your children to accept being abandoned, dropping responsibilities, stealing and be a cheater and a liar is The American Way!
WTF???
I will join your movement! I have learned to calmly agree with all the professionals who tell me unless your husband would sexually abuse or dismember your children alive, they should spend time with him. I disagree. Those things are obvious but his abuse is tactical and subtle. It tears away at them and teaches them to lie and disrespect others. Three of my children want absolutely nothing to do with stbx and I think they have good reason and the right to make that choice.
They were not invited to his home once the first six months after he moved out. His excuse now- not enough bed and cookware. Cheater was living in his parents former home which was for sale. There were 6 twin beds in this 7000 square foot home and we have 5 children. Am I missing something? As for cookware- they sell it every day at Walmart, there is this thing called take out and while the closest restaurant was a few miles away, we have cars.
Now he invites them (via text or email) to his new 4000 square foot house for dinners but they don’t want to go. The two that do go don’t like it that he is always telling them to keep secrets from mom.
No one can convince me, especially after I feel betrayed and raped that it is good to be around him. Trust your gut is right and trust that he sucks is right.
Feelingit:
It should be a movement!!! Where the hell is our rights to raise OUR children??? 50/50 and no fault divorce are free tickets to sociopaths to do what you want bc there’s no consequences!!
My heart goes out to you and your children. It rips me into shreds knowing we have no choice or protection to our children being FORCED to visit their own PARENT! Mothers that have been CHUMED having to attend ANYTHING with the OW present and helplessly watch our children driven off for f’ing DISNEY visitations – when convenient and just long enough to shirt around the court orders and laws. Child support and spousal support – IF PAID AT ALL – used as blackmail and left overs after LIVING IT UP!
Chumped
Tears of joy spring from my eyes!!!
Firstly, congrats on 15 million! !!! Whooop whooop!!!
Secondly, SuperDuperChump, Im crying tears of pride and joy that youve found love and life again.
My Tuesday’s come and gone, and I’m living my life my way on my terms for the first time in 25 years. I’m eternally grateful for ChunpLady andmthe mighty chumpNation.
Another one blubbering away here !
What a wonderful story of hope triumphing over adversity.
All my good wishes for the future, super-duper chump!
“Waiter! I’d like to send back this shit sandwich — it’s getting rather stale. Please bring me 2 pounds of Tuesdays instead.”
^^+1^^
Well fuck here I am crying at work.
Superduperchump, you need to change your name. To Superdupermightyperson.
No matter how we got here, every single one of us feels the pangs of your hurt and despair. My heart absolutely aches for you, but you are so ahead of the game. Your new life will be filled with love and warmth. I just know it.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are truly incredible.
*Hugs*
Congratulations, Tracy. You deserve this success. What a gift you are.
I am crying too. What a struggle to your meh. Congratulations. CN and CL give me strength and hope to meet the day.
OMG! Tuesdays were the days that Sad Sausage and the Walrus (I wonder if she knew that was Sausage’s nickname for her…. not mine) would meet for “Super Sex Tuesdays” (Why he didn’t call it Taco Tuesday is beyond me). So Tuesday is the day I selected for my support group.
You have to wonder why they say bad things about their girlfriends???
SuperDuperChump, you are a good, decent human being. You stood by somebody’s hospital bed. That’s something your wife cannot do. She cannot do that for you or for anybody else. She is another species.
Be glad she is not in your life anymore.
I’ve met some people who “broke up” with their partners when those partners were going through some hard times. They had some excuse and of course they blamed their partners. That was all I needed to know about those people – not decent human beings!
Glad to hear you found meh and wish you and your lady lots of health! Everything else will follow.