I would love to hear your take on this: When my former significant other was sneaking around behind my back having her affair, she would wait until I went out of town and then invite her affair partner, (from another country!), to book a flight and spend time with her in our house, in our bed. I found out when I discovered chat transcripts between the two of them on my laptop. Here’s an excerpt from one of the chats when they were planning their first meeting in the flesh (ugh):
SO: Yes, you’ll be in this room with me at that point…more likely upstairs ….
AP: I don’t mind where
SO: I suspect that similar things will be happening no matter which room we are in
AP: Well, we don’t need to confine ourselves to one room
SO: You won’t feel confined here
Other remarks made it clear that AP had booked a hotel room, but still it was important for the two of them to defile every damned room of the house. I wasn’t supposed to find out (or was I?), but I did, and it felt like a flashing neon “fuck you.” The sheer hostility of the violation made me reel.
Is this a part of the sick excitement or something?
First off, AF, I’m so sorry. What a sick, sociopathic fucker she is. Second, AF — Eww. To answer this I’d have to imagine being inside the depraved mind of your cheater, which is asking me to untangle that particular skein of fuckupedness.
Pardon me a moment while I get my hip waders, so I can muck through the fetid swamp…
My first thought is that she’s simply not thinking of you at all. Which I know is a very unsatisfying answer and perhaps the most obvious. Neither she, nor her foreign fuckbuddy give a shit about your shared life together. You don’t factor into their decision-making whatsoever. Can you imagine how that conversation would go? Hey, I’ve got a hotel room! Oh, good — because you know, my bedroom is sacred and off limits. I can fuck around on AF, but I draw the line at doing it in our home!
There is no boundary when it comes to kibbles. Perhaps some cheaters have rules (I’ll screw people I meet on adult friend finder, but I won’t pay for sex… or I’ll pay prostitutes, but I won’t have an emotional affair), but most cheaters apparently have no limits to what they’ll do for kibbles. Their narcissism is so intense, the need for kibbles so great, as to block out any sentient thought.
That’s one take on it. I ran this one by my husband and he had a different take on it. He thinks boinking in the family bed is something women cheaters are more prone to. That they audition affair partners for roles in their life. Maybe they’ll trade in their current partner for a better one! So it’s all part of a big Let’s Play House fantasy. That’s where she lives, so that’s where she’s going to play house. I wonder what the fuckbuddy looks like in my kitchen, my bedroom, etc. It’s like a sociopathic game of paper dolls.
As theories go, it’s interesting, but in my experience men are just as prone to fuck someone in their own homes as women are. In my case, my ex brought his OW to a vacation cabin and did the deed in flannel sheets I had bought us. (How do I know? I found her underwear. Classy.)
So that brings us to the “sick excitement” theory. Yes, I do think they do it for a sick excitement pay off. It’s that thrill of deceit thing I talk about here. If those two cheaters shared a life together, having sex in their bedroom would not be nearly the naughty hijinks it would be as having sex in your bedroom. The trespassing is part of the high. It’s not a transgression if it’s allowed and accepted.
That’s why I call bullshit at cheaters and their “open relationships,” btw. They don’t want them. They want to CHEAT. They want to gain advantage over an unwitting innocent. They’ll take an “open” relationship if they get found out, but the preferred form of cake eating is dependent upon duping. I get more at your advantage and you don’t know about it — hahahaha.
You could go further into the skein of fuckupedness and ask yourself why it’s so important to them to play such sick games to “win.” Perhaps they hate you and it really is a big “fuck you.” Perhaps they feel aggrieved and it’s their way of evening the score. But that underscores again how sick the whole thing is. First off, if they hate you — really, the only way they can “fight” you is blindfolded with your arms tied behind your back? Yeah, they can only attack you if you’re at a severe disadvantage (you don’t know what they’re up to)? And if they are aggrieved — are these actions proportionate to your crimes?
No, of course not. Unless you drown kittens and torture small children. No, the problem is that people like your former SO don’t ascribe meaning to things. Which is very scary — to be that compartmentalized. Even to say they are compartmentalized implies there is a compartment somewhere there with some substance and feeling inside, it’s just walled off. But no, it could be a bed is just a bed is just a bed to her. It’s not a bed you shared together, where intimacies were shared, where you said you loved each other. To her it may be just… a bed. Convenient. Naughty because you’re not in it, the fuckbuddy is. Whatever she said she felt for you was just situational, fleeting, impermanent, variable. You ascribed meaning to it because you’re a real person with real feelings. A bed is something you shared and so you gave that bed meaning.
There are normal people out there like you AF, who can connect. Who ascribe meaning to shared experiences because they FEEL those experiences. You need a person in your life who has boundaries and who is capable of creating sacred spaces with you and keeping those places safe. What she did was a grotesque violation to your sense of safety. She defiled what should be your safest space — the place where you lay your head each night to sleep. The place you make love.
I’m glad to read she is your former SO. And I hope you burned the bed and got some new sheets. Wishing you a much happier new life, AF.
This column ran previously. Consider it a public service announcement on why chumps need new bed linens!