Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

Most Audacious Lie?

Today’s Friday challenge is extra challenging. Of all the lies your cheater told, what was the most audacious?

And I don’t mean the obvious, love and honor, “til death do us part” stuff. I mean the kind of disordered whopper that needs an avalanche of spackle and a Special DOJ Investigator. Lies so outrageous only a chump would believe them. Examples include:

A fictitious twin brother

A hotel stay that included hand-holding and Bible verses

An overnight… in a car…. in February… in Vermont…  with no cell phone reception

A promotion/special honor/hereditary peerage that never existed

A kissing cousin

A lesbian who was very much NOT a lesbian

A child who looks nothing like you

People who love, trust. People who trust, believe. If you’re completely mortified that you checked your commonsense at the door for someone once, well… welcome to the club. And let’s hear it for a new life full of healthy skepticism and boundaries! Yea!

Nobody loves me, but my mother,
And she could be jivin` too.
Nobody loves me, but my mother,
And she could be jivin` too.
Now you see why I act so funny, baby,
When you do the things you do.

— B.B. King


Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
  • He bought her a bee hive and shipped it to her house. (Yes, a real bee hive) He said it was to pay her for work she did for his firm.
    Who gets paid with bees???

    • that’s actually hysterical! Im sure not at the time, but in hindsight. (I used to raise bees)

    • Funny thing about bees . . . my X wrote a YouTube song about them, which was, he wrote, “inspired by a conversation with a friend.” This was during the divorce, before I stopped working for the marriage police. By the time the divorce was final, after much CN therapy and support, I no longer cared. But I almost peed my pants laughing when we were at the bank closing our accounts and his phone rang to the tune of “Flight of the Bumble Bee.” He nearly fell out of his chair trying to turn the ringer off before I could catch a glimpse of the name of the person calling, not even aware that I hadn’t bothered looking.

  • Just prior to D-Day, we were hosting New Year’s Eve as always. And as always, OW was in attendance and got falling down drunk, as she often does on weekends. Ex said he’d drive her the five minutes it took to her house and would be right back. He didn’t get home for an hour, leaving me to field awkward questions from our guests, wondering if he’d been in an accident and humiliated that he’d ditch out on the party like that.

    Definitely one of those ah-ha moments when I found out about a week later that they’d been fucking for the last six years. I don’t want to even imagine what they were doing for that missing hour.

    Oh and then there’s the “I haven’t been happy in years.” line as well.

    • Oh the “ I haven’t been happy in years” line is a definite must in building the ball of justification! My stbx and I built a million dollar house together and moved into it and 18 months later he began his affair. Yep we all expend that kind of money and effort and investment with someone who has made us miserable for years… I mean is that as creative as you can get??? Seriously brainless blather…

      • Well, to be fair there is another explanation: maybe he just assumed that HE would get the house. You thought you were building it for both of you, but he was building it for himself.

        My XW left me a couple of months after we moved 1000 miles (for her job). Just last week my daughter pointed out that the AP’s new house (he left his wife the same week my wife left us) is really too small for him and his kids – probably he and my XW thought they’d all move in together into our new house, which she figured she would get in the divorce. This also explains why she was so angry that I talked to our neighbors about the affair: she claimed I was salting the earth in our neighborhood, and chumpy me thought “this means she has been considering reconciliation” rather than “she wants to be able to move the AP in”.

        • I, Georgian – omg – this could be my story. We spent 5 yrs creating our dream home. 2 yrs planning and 3 to build. It occupied our life for quite awhile. But, man, we were sure bonded during this time frame, making decisions….which, seriously, were mostly all his decisions because he’s always known what is in the best interest of ‘US’. Turned out I didn’t like the house because it was far to big and obnoxious, and I’m a simple farm girl . But, we made it a home, made many friends, etc. So, when he decided to have the LT affair, he would move her into MY house. They slept in one of the beds that used to be our master suite. Once she was there for 10 days when I visited my home county. You name it, she used it. I truly believe she wanted my lifestyle – looking back . (we were close friends) . Found hair in MY pool,etc and finally some panties in that bed. I’ve mentioned it before, but in the 10 days she was living in my house she started landscaping projects that he took credit for. I saw her work-print all over the design. It was the same at her house.

          Then, audaciously, in the middle of an uncomfortable marriage relationship the said he found a house I could buy in a little village 30 miles south of here. I was, as they say, Gobsmacked! Why was out meeting realtors for me? Sure, he was pushing hard by intimidating to move out. How simply obvious that is to me now. He thought I would just move away, stay friends and dogs, and he would get the house – not a problem, and she would seamlessly move in. (she parked her jeep in my spot in the garage. I could smell her)

          In the end, it was obvious he didn’t care if I found out or not.
          Until, of course, the consequences hit him being the eyeballs.
          He never really thought it through.


          • p.s. to above post. I wound up getting the house during the divorce and selling process – but I needed it for the dogs. He lived out of his r/v (oh yeah, he fucked her many times in that and they drove all over the NW. Talk about an emotional shock – that was ‘my baby, that r.v) I got all the dogs and his mother was terribly disappointed. He listed all those things he wanted – #) I don’t want to lose my house, #2) I don’t want to lose my dogs, and drum roll..#3) I don’t want to disappoint my mom.

            And, none of that came true for him. aww.
            He lost a lot of his dignity and his character/integrity has been tarnished. ..possibly forever.

            • My stbx was so mad I wanted the amount I wanted for support. He ranted on and on about how he would be homeless – he could not afford that!! He was not giving up his new truck (he tricked me into cosigning the F350 so we could be safe towing our camper – but the “we” was him and OW and the new bigger camper he bought to tow the new bigger Polaris off road vehicle! Lol) Anyway, he railed on and on about he was going to make the judge sell the house and he was taking the dogs away from me, and he was taking our daughter away from me!
              But that didn’t come true for him.
              I wound up getting the house in the divorce. I got the dogs. And our daughter wants nothing to do with him now because he’s mean and selfish and doesn’t care about anyone but himself – her words.
              Oh, and the amount I wanted for support? That’s what I got in the divorce. That was the amount I believed to be fair, and that’s when I ended up getting.
              Funny – he has been able to afford the support and he’s afforded to buy big new shiny toys, rings, etc., too. He didn’t become homeless and have to live under a bridge after all! Imagine that.
              He wanted to throw me away as cheaply as possible and all of his threats backfired on him.

          • My Cheater point blank told me that I was going to move out and that he had already brought OW into our house to tour it (while I was out at work earning the mortgage payment) and she was looking forward to living here. He told me he was going to help me find an apartment near my work, and then he would help me move. I flat out told him nfw and that was almost 5 years ago. I still have the house that we worked together to remodel for 12 years and 95% of the equity too. I don’t really know where he is but a couple months ago someone told me he broke up with OW multiple times but that he still lives in her house (that she bought in our town a year after Dday and moved him in w/her) because “he can’t afford to live anywhere else.” Karma’s a bitch.

    • I got the “I haven’t been happy in TEN years, but DIDN’T KNOW IT.” He had to go back ten years to a night that I of course have no memory of (gas light much?) and tell me that I said something that made a part of him “die inside”. That in turn made him “pull away from” me. No evidence of that in ten years as far as I could tell; he sure seemed happy or content to me most of the time.

      They lie. Make up stories. Rewrite history to justify what they did and what they are doing. They are The People of the Lie.

      • My cheater told me he had been unhappy the FIRST 10 years of our marriage…we had been married for 17 years at the time he said that…
        I did try to untangle the skein of fuckupedness for a couple years after that, danced the pick-me dance quite hard and then found Chump Lady and this community who litterally saved my life…

        • “People of the Lie” is a book by Steven Covey. Describes these evil morons to a “T”. It’s worth a read.

          • Yes, that’s an excellent book and that’s where I got those words from. I’m guessing I read that book close to ten years ago. Little did I know I was living with one of these types. When his mask finally dropped and I started connecting the 20+ years of dots and lies — I remembered this book and then reread it. How did I not see it when I was living it? Oh, that’s right. Spackle!!

            My ex is a “Christian” and years ago he read the book “Screwtape Letters” by C.S. Lewis. He probably took notes while reading to fine-tune his con game.

      • OMG, the kids and I got the “I hated every minute of this family for the past 10 years!” My 10 year old was laying on the floor her arms around my legs crying her heart out and she said, “but daddy, that’s my whole life!” The evil bastard replied, “I’m sorry but it’s true.”

        If I was living in the time of my Viking foremothers I would have taken up my sword and lopped off his head right then and there.

        via GIPHY

          • I fucking hate him also! cruel, inhuman bastard. RUN!
            So sorry this happened to you, nobody deserves this
            Now you know who he really is, a traitor

          • Just love ???? what you wrote please let it happen to my asshole who cheated with a bitch thirty years his junior for five plus years and went into attack mode when l found out and said it was all a joke and yes she was the love of his love in his heart all the time yaya ya what a fuckwit????????????????????????????

        • Mother, that made me feel a kick in the stomach for you! I HATE him for you and your precious children! HUGS!

        • Kids remember shit like that. Vividly. Hope his dick rots off. I hope when he gets old and remorseful your daughter throws that back in his face.

        • I am so sorry for your daughter. Oh my gosh my heart aches for her. My daughter has had to endure rejection from her dad, and it’s horrible. Her dad then twists it and says she is throwing HIM away. They use people to get their way, no matter who it is, or what the damage is that results. They do not care.

        • What a piece of shit.
          There will be a day when your daughter will be contacted by him in need and she will repeat verbatim that moment her father crushed her soul, and your daughter will speak her truth to he father and he will then finally see just how vile and cruel he is.

        • What a disgusting narcissistic POS! These selfish assholes are incapable of thinking or caring about how their words affect others…even their own child.
          Sending you and your daughter hugs.

        • And lopping off his head would be way too good for that nasty, cruel fucker. Thank heavens your daughter has you to comfort her and be the sane parent.

        • Such an asshole!!! Shuttering the world of another adult is despicable, BUT breaking the heart of his own child!?!??
          Unforgivable ????

    • Audacity #1: I have to be in my home town more to have face time with the clients. (he “works” for his father and telecommuted while surfing porn sites).

      Translation: I just re-met the rich sow. We were at the same prep school and she is now my long lost love.

      Audacity #2: It would be great for the kids to spend the summers with their grandparents and go to French camp. You can keep working and go back and forth on weekends to be with them. I will move to my home town so I can focus on my “work” and the clients.

      Translation: I have decided to spend the summmers going forward with my rich sow and her 4 children. I will take them out on the family boat (instead of you and our own children). I will not bother to see you or our children while they are with their grandparents.

      That started in 2013. Day was in October, 2015.

      I did not tell him I knew. I lined up my ducks and served him in December. Divorce took just over a year during which time he refused to leave the matrimonial home and emotionally abused me at every turn. And took the kids to the rich sow whenever he pleased. And introduced her as their step-mother.

      The verbal abuse continues by email. I am as no contact as possible.

      Audacity #3: I want more time with my kids.

      Translation: I want to mind-fuck them into believing that life with me and my rich sow and her 4 children is better than life with you, their mother. Then they will come to live with me and YOU will pay ME child support.

      Sociopathic POS!!

      • My ex fed the kids the same lines of vullshit about her & her kids. Told them they were brothers on day ONE, they should call her mom, and has spent 4 + years playing the mind fuckery game with them. They were just babies at DDay, and he pulled them in completely. My heart aches for everything they have had to go through. But they absolutely hate him, refuse to call him pretty much ever and have very limited visitation (because that’s what he chose). So hang in there, your kids will be ok and will see your ex for who he truly is. A deadbeat dad that walked out on them for someone else and someone else’s kids. That’s got to be extremely horrifying for a child, but they still have you. Be the rockstar parent that you are, and fuck trying to figure out the ex & his demented kind games. The audacity of being a complete deadbeat still blows me away, but I’m getting so much better at just shaking my head and giving my boys all the love that I have. I am enough. I will not let their db father destroy them.

  • I was at Hobby Lobby all day and just lost track of time. I had my ringer turned off because I didn’t want to disturb the other shoppers.

      • I actually know someone (beside the congressman) who used this excuse! He conveniently forgot to mention that he had a “hiking companion”. I think he actually hiked the trail for about half a day. All of us who were friends with the wife told her her hubby was full of BS, but she is still with him. After all, he was just bored and it didn’t mean a thing, so any good wife would understand. Brick meet wall.

        • Violet, almost sounds like you’re describing me. One day I was teaching for something in his truck and found a “water bladder,” a device to hold water that attaches to your back pack when you’re hiking. I thought it was odd he hadn’t mentioned it to me. I asked him about it, he said he was afraid I’d get mad. I’ve never been upset at anything he’s bought and I thought it would be something he would be excited to show me.
          It was after X met AP that X suddenly became interested in hiking, all day hiking. I suggested I go with him or we go as a family. I couldn’t hike the 25 miles he did but I thought it would be fun to do a light hike and have a picnic. He gave me the “look” of disgust or disdain and said no, he preferred to go on long hikes by himself. At one time I thought he would have preferred hiking with his family than “alone”.
          Guess what? It came to light later that he wasn’t hiking alone after all he was going hiking with his Triathlon AP who he claimed to have so much in common with, and leaving me was the best thing he had ever done and had never happier in his life..

          • Brit
            I’m right there with you. Stbxh decided to work on his health. Didn’t want me to be part of any of it. “His friend “ whom has been passed around more than a lost box had somehow made him see the light on his health. Something his faithful, loyal wife of 23 yrs could never convince him of.
            He decided he needed a vacation by himself to go hiking and camping this past July. He was only taking his bible and would be turning his phone off as to not be bothered while he and God tried to figure out what he should do about his marriage and family. He has been so miserable and feels like he sacrificed his whole adult life on me and our children and he just wants to be happy and live his life for himself now….
            while he was gone, I got my hands on the proof I needed and found out he was on vacation with his howorker (who has made it a hobby to destroy as many families as possible, the last 4 being in their work place…)
            Months have passed, divorce draaaaaging out and guess who has started trying to come back home this week…. ????
            Wanting to know if there is any possibility that we could save our marriage and family! ????????‍♀️
            I have totally shut him down, as I do believe everything happens for a reason and I see the exit sign as I keep hiking my ass on out of this farce of a marriage….
            wishing you well, and nothing but happiness in life…????

            • “These boots are made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do, one of these days these boots are going to walk right over you.” Hope I got that right, but keep going one boot in front of the other. Make your own path even if you don’t know where you’re going because it’s not the destination but the adventure that counts.

            • Please please please don’t let him back! I live for these success stories of kicking these assholes to the curb! I’m 3 years post Dday and have gained a life and then some! My lying ex and schmoopie are sadly breaking up after living together a whole year! “Watch our commitment and undying love”
              Your life will be 10000 times better without these freaks and eventually their lies and destruction will catch up to them!! Now he has to move out of their ginormous house they bought together and find a new place for him and our 3 kids…on half his income. Good luck loser! When I moved out of our marital home I made sure to secure a new home for the kids and I. One I wouldn’t rely on anyone else to keep. It’s our home and he gets to start over AGAIN at 34!

          • Ha! I think I just figured out why X was so keen to take the dogs to the dog park by himself on Sundays for the last few years of the marriage.

            • In situations like this, I always picture the dogs sitting in the back of a (rocking) truck, looking at each other with a disgusted look on their faces like, “What the fuck, man? I thought we were going for a fucking WALK?!?!?” Poor dogs.

            • LOL I had the dog walks too. My ex all of a sudden wanted to walk the dog 3x a day. Long walks too. It never occurred to me until after I found her number on cell phone and a letter. Feel so stupid thinking back on it how much evidence I needed to really come to terms with what he was doing. He even bought a Ducati and would take it for rides at night in this all new leather gear he bought. I’d be studying for my grad courses or putting kids to sleep while he was riding his new racing bike to her house. Ugh…makes me want to puke thinking about all of it in hindsight. And I was even do the pick me dance thinking he was just unhappy in our marriage etc. I’m glad we finally got the divorce over with after nearly 2.5 years but can’t say my life has taken off. Its been hard raising the kids solo, finishing up my degree and basically having no life while ex seems to be enjoying himself despite the pain and suffering he’s inflicted on his family.

              • Yes, but you’re building something important and long lasting. Your setting yourself up for your future. You HAVE a future that you are making sacrifices for now… and thankfully, that future is not with him.

        • Was she wearing a blue suit with pearls? Because that’s a thing, when you eat the political shit sandwich.

    • Howling with laughter over here! “I turned off my ringer because I didn’t want to disturb the other shoppers”. Good fucking grief. That’s the best she could come up with? Definitely sounds like something my dumbass ex would have said. Come on, cheaters. If you’re going to lie your fool head off, at least be good at it! Come up with something remotely believable!

    • Similarly, “I was at Home Depot for two hours and came home with nothing to show for it because it was just too overwhelming.”

      • Similar—he went shopping for tennis shoes at the mall. He was gone for 6 hours and came back with no shoes. When I indicated that I didn’t believe him, he got very angry and said his feet are hard to fit!

      • Ha! My ex “went to Lowe’s” for 2+ hours and came back with a couple of screws. Meanwhile, he had an entire 40+drawer screw sorter cabinet in the garage in which he kept any and all manner of screws. Not very creative, are they??

        • Oh yeah, the Home Depot and Lowe’s trips for 6 hours. “Well, I couldn’t find what I was looking for at HD, so had to go to Lowe’s, but they didn’t have it at that store, so I had to drive 30 miles to another Lowe’s to get it…”

  • I swear to you, I will share my hotel room with my secretary on our business trip in Germany, just in order to reduce the cost…

        • Don’t feel stupid! We’ve all spackled. Thats why we’re on this site. Chumps that laugh together heal together!

        • Do NOT feel stupid, we all want to believe their BS. It’s only in looking back do we realize how gullible we were!! I believed some real big ones too!!

          • Loulotte – don’t feel stupid. Same thing happened to me. At dog shows, we’re always trying to find ways to save money so that’s a real issue. He was going to a show 600 miles away with our handler (single) and insisted they save money by sharing a room. Now, these rooms are not expensive…..say $40/night – you know – cheapo and everybody is trying to outcheap everybody else. SO, must split room like other people (same sex) people do. Over 4 day trip, I guess the sleeping arrangements worked like a dream… hear them tell it. Of course, I never questioned a thing! arrgh

            btw – we can more than afford a good hotel room and one for the handler as well.

          • No, don’t feel stupid. You were lovingly applying “benefit of the doubt” and transferring your good intent to him.

            For instance, when I was attending a month-long training school many years ago I met up with an old friend. Now it just so happened that the school was a few hours drive from Yosemite National Park, it was a great time of year to see the park, tent cabins were hard to find on the weekend (and pricey), and my friend was the opposite gender.

            We did find one tent cabin open – for one night – so we booked it and went. We behaved ourselves respectfully – slept in separate beds – and had a great time. Seeing the park, that is. NOTHING even remotely questionable happened between us.

            Surely our spouses, who are gifted with the same level as self-control as we are, can do the same?

            If my spouse can trust me, surely I can trust also? You think?

        • Don’t feel stupid. I remember going to a holiday party and having a friend tell me, “Man, I would NEVER let my husband hug all those little waitress girls!” (he was a restaurant manager at the time) I laughed and replied, “I’m not worried about it. I trust him!” — And I am NOT sorry I felt that way. That’s how a marriage is SUPPOSED to be, full of trust. To this day, I am not one bit sorry I did not police my marriage. What kind of excuse for a marriage is that, to be watching your partner every minute? Why would you do that to yourself? Get out, save yourself the headache.
          THEY are the stupid ones, not us.

    • Traitor: I want to spend more time in town and use the library again.
      Fine by me. He starts to spend all day Mondays in town after handover. Never brings any books home.
      Me: Have you seen any good books lately? I’d like it if you picked some for me too.
      Traitor: No, I go to the University library and I read the science journals.

      And I believed it… I even felt sad for him that he must miss the research career he abandoned.

      • Mine started spending afternoons at Barnes and Noble, when I’d be out shopping I’d stop by Barnes and Noble and he was never there. I mentioned it to Cheater, he said well, he must have stepped out for something to eat….,

        People would ask me where X was in the afternoons, I’d tell them Barnes and Noble, he likes reading, a lot..

        I sometimes can’t believe how naive I was, but I trusted him.

  • “ I just started s relationship with ow after I left the marriage. I’m not having an affair”. Oh and that $1200 worth of jewelry purchased for her 8 days post departure?? Yep everyone spends that kind of money for a 1 week old relationship!

    • Yup mine said he met her 3 days after our separation ( he left his family on thanksgiving Monday to go on a first date—snort!). He moved in with her and her 11year old 5 weeks later..

      Oh but there are soooo many more I could post 10 times

    • Yeah, jewelry. After DDay when I scrutinized our family cell plan phone logs, I saw that one morning he called a jewelry store in the city where OW lived about two hours from here. Next time I saw him (after he moved out but kept coming back ostensibly to get things, but really to manipulate and gaslight me further), I asked why did you call a jewelry store in her city, did you buy her jewelry???? (had of course never bought me any in 16 years). “NO!” he shouted, “I was on my way to her house and she asked me to stop and pick up some jewelry she had left there to be repaired, some jewelry she inherited from her mother!”

      The insanity of this. #1 she didn’t have a phone to call the store herself? instead she calls Cheater and asks him to call the store for her? #2 WisedUp you insensitive bitch! OW’s mother DIED! and you are making light of that situation!”

    • Same!!
      Jewelry purchased before he left, AP ( that he had no relationship with) was sstaying at his new place the same weekend he moved out.
      I’m sure he never even thought of her “that way” till after he asked for a divorce. It’s probably also the reason calls to her were on my phone records at all hours of the day and night going back two years.

    • Yep, exh2 claims that he met his OW after he moved out. If that’s to be believed, then they met and married in five months. Wow, Tru wuv comes fast and hard, eh???
      I know he had another AP who came forward to me after he discarded her too…plus one or two other women he was with too.
      He honestly expected me to believe that he just met her randomly one day. Rrrrright

    • My stbx started up affair with coworker 25 years younger than him. Moved out and moved in with her. My daughter had his ipad – actually, he had given it to her. I picked it up one day and for some reason looked at the pictures. The ipad was linked to his pictures. There was OW with a big fat ring on her finger. Also in his backyard of expensive house he was renting, was the same Weber bbq and a gas smoker… Has replicating his life with replacement wife appliance. Took her to our eating and vacation spots – one time in our camper that I was making the payment on. There was a picture of OW and her mom hugging all happy. I’m thinking, yeah happy her daughter got a stupid old man with money for her to make her baby with.
      My ex told me when this young girl started working with him at work that he likes that she knows how to get whatever she wants. I was like, ok…..
      But now I’m wondering if OW is happy with what she “wanted” and broke up a family for: A fat old mega hairy man with a balding head, false teeth, a mean temper (my daughter was telling me how her dad yells at OW), who cheats and lies, who cannot really care about anyone but himself, and if something better comes along he will dump her and turn on her with a viciousness she’s never seen before. Way to go, OW! Oh, yeah, and the naked pictures of OW on the ipad that her prince charming showed all of his friends. Glad I changed the locks the minute he left.
      One of the couples we used to go camping with – the wife was furious that she found these naked pictures on her husband’s computer. I’m just glad our daughter didn’t see the pictures.
      Oh, and our daughter wants nothing to do with him. He says I alienated her from him. No….. dummy. You are the one who threw away your family. Not me.

  • I was just doing research on the kind of people who advertise on Craigslist for sex–ALL the kinds of people. It fuels my short fiction writing, and I’m even thinking about writing a novel. –said the unemployed man who sold energy futures for a living.

    He was being sued by the company whose laptop he refused to return on being fired–heaven only knows what was on it

    • What facebook profile? a friend must have put it up for a joke, where does it say “single and interested in women? oooh, it must be a default and I didn’t know how to change it.” From a web programmer ….

      • Lol too funny…. I love when a tech guy plays dummy “ Craigslist- never heard of that site”
        “ “it’s in ur browsing history”
        “ nah, someone hacked into my computer”
        “ it’s protected by 3 types of passwords?!?”
        “Uhm…. eeee….. blank”

  • Where shall I begin…….because I don’t actually know all the lies that were told, I can only relate the ones I found out. Like he stayed overnight at the casino with a friend (who i didn’t really know and couldn’t verify the overnight with) when in reality he stayed overnight shooting up heroin alone (really alone, heroin addicts don’t give two craps about sex). Or, later on after he was clean from heroin but replaced that addiction with one of other women, the biggest whopper of them all: “She’s just a friend” , after i saw messages where they were calling each other “baby”

    • Ahhhhh! The names they have for each other. It’s a whole other pile of shit to heap onto a chumps sandwich.

      Hey babe. I love you babe. Your the best babe. I miss you babe…….blahhhhhh. makes me want to vomit on my shoes.

    • “Baby” is always a cheater red flag! They use it so they don’t accidentally call out the wrong name at the wrong time!

      • My asswipe called everybody “baby.” He was a huge flirt. When he would call me ‘baby,’ I’d ask him who is was talking to. I hated him calling other women that and I told him it bothered me. Didn’t phase him. He didn’t give a shit how I felt. I also told him he needed to watch that because some woman is gonna get the wrong idea. Maybe that was the plan and they actually got the right idea. Asshole.

        • My stbx called our 18 year old son baby the other day. He has never done that…. must be the pet name for millennial whore. Barf

          • something I have noticed tho, is that young men in this area often call women “babe” whether they are hooking up or not. I am in a youth-oriented business and am friends with a lot of younger people on social media. I notice this and it seems quite common, they call me “babe” on occasion, kind of like people here use “darlin’ ” or “hon” (I’m in the South). But never ever “baby”. Seems like there is a difference of some sort.

  • Mine supposedly bought a $20,000 piece of equipment so it could be rented out and he could make money. Then he had to go away for a week to be trained to use that piece of equipment and had to be gone a few times to use it to make money and then I never heard about it again or saw it. Just an excuse to have missing money and be gone. I was busy working full time and doing all the parenting and adulting. I trusted him to manage his own business. How’s that going? Last year he was on Government assistance. Then his mother died, leaving him $100,000. Now he’s ramping up the business again, spending money to rent office space from his new schmoopie. I don’t know much due to No Contact, the path to the truth and the light but my son lets things slip every now and again. These days I can see it all so clearly. I’ll let you all know when the inheritance is gone.

  • A lot! But the most big lie that I hate me for believe it was: I am like you! I want to be a part of your life becouse I feel a good and bbeautiful person when I am with you!, I love you (he didn’t even knkw me but he said that he loves me) I was 15 years and I believed that shit!!! I will never forget myself rhat I had allowed that shit to enter in my life and my soul thinking that he could be a good person… He destroyed me forever! I will never thi k that people are good.. I just can’t. And I’m scared of people because of that and I don’t trust myself anymore

    • Cara, that’s just the game they play to hook you in. Don’t beat yourself for falling for the trap. A lot of us here at Chump Nation fell for this game too. We like you didn’t realize it was a con. They are a lot of personality disordered people out there, but not everyone is like this!

      You are not destroyed forever! Work on yourself like Chump Lady says to do. If you don’t know about boundaries — learn about that and start implementing. Find out about deal breaker behavior and write out a list of your deal breakers. There are tons of books out there and us chumps will be happy to lead you to lots of great authors. If you don’t have the energy to read — there are a ton of Youtubers that are teaching the way to get healthy. You are right. If you don’t trust yourself to keep yourself safe, then you will not will not feel safe to ever trust again. Everything starts with YOU. Take care of you first. Keep coming back to Chump Lady and Chump Nation. We are here for you. You will get through this. I’ve been here for over two years and I still read every post. I don’t need it like I used to, but sometimes I just need a good laugh and Chump Lady always delivers. 🙂 Don’t give up! We are here for you!

      • Thank you Guys soo soo much! I did not believe that there are ppl like you in this world. Im from Romania and I’m not very good in english but I’ve descovered this site and I understood in a foreign language what happened to me.
        I had “friends” that they had blamed me for the fact that the piese of sh** abandoned me. Wtf is wrong with the world… Im out with that “friends” now. There were toxic ppl with toxic mentalities. However, last year I was in hell. Only God took care of me and gave me the strength to go to work and make normal things. He was a psychopath and found that after 10 fking year’s! Even that I was 15 years old when I’ve met this person, I felt that something is not good with him.. But I believed in his words and what ppl told me.. I will start to believe more in my soul as God give us the strength to feel if one thing is not good for us. And not believe in what others say. Thank you one again for your comm. Big hugs from Romania : )

        • After years of loving (yes loving) the lie, you lose yourself in it. You choose to love it because you want your life so badly to be some sort of normal. BUT… You can no longer trust yourself, your instincts, or even your own eyes. Your own mind begins to deceive you. Who can you trust? AND THEN… Divorce… Time speed crawls (many if you know what I mean), and you end up broken, never thinking you could love again. Months or years go by alone WHEN…All of a sudden you see someone that gives you butterflies. Thats healing. Work on yourself, trusting yourself, and why you chose the partner you did. This can be very helpful for your future in all of your relationships not just romantic ones. Hang in there. We got your back.

        • Cara, your English is very good. 🙂 You were involved with a psychopath and what a lot of us realize after leaving our cheater or getting discard by them — we realize that a lot of our so-called friends are toxic too and we have to get them out of our life too. It seems this is what happened to you too and it’s good they are out of your life.

          God took care of me too and continues too. 🙂 It’s good you realize He’s there for you and will never leave you or forsake you. Keep trusting your intuition about people. It’s never wrong. One good book that I read, but I’m not sure if it’s in your native language, but it’s called “How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Become Involved” by Sandra L. Brown. For the book, she interviewed a lot of women. ALL of them red flags or a gut intuition that something was “off” with their boyfriend/husband. I myself had quite a few gut feelings that something was wrong. I caught him lying, but didn’t say anything to him about it. He lied and cheated on me from the very beginning. But I spackled and trusted to my own detriment. So you were right from the very beginning, but you didn’t trust your intuition. From now on, you will. 🙂 I’m not sure if you speak Polish, but there’s a Youtuber called “Soul GPS” and she has lots of great videos in English and Polish that might be helpful to you. (((HUGS)))

          • Martha, thank you ones again! I have checked the “Soul GPS” youtube video”s this morning and is amazing! It helps me soo much! Guy”s, I recommend forward!

      • Great post Martha, good reminder too for the down days when you’re feeling overwhelmed and discouraged.

        Thank you!

    • Cara – welcome!! Stick with Chump Lady and Chump Nation – everybody here will support you.

      I felt the same as you, 2 years ago when I left my cheater. I had counselling to help me through, which helped me work a lot on trusting myself again, and really listening to my instincts. I now listen to that voice inside me, my gut feeling. And I go with what it tells me. I actually think being cheated on gave me a better life – I am now away from him and raising my two children in PEACE! And I’m slowly building my life up again. You will too.

      Hang in there. ((((Hugs)))) from Australia ????????

    • Cara: I can hear the strength in your posts. That indignation will keep you afloat. You are not ruined forever. Surround yourself with support (including Chump Nation), and slowly you will start to believe that there are trustworthy people in the world. You will also learn to pick out who they are, and avoid the people like your cheating X. Distancing yourself from the evil, and filling your life with goodness, will catapult you to a better place. Hugs.

      • Thank you, Tempest! As I recently heard one thing: With more you are happy, the psychopath is unhappy. And more you are unhappy, the more they are happy.
        This is what happened to me. I am frustated that for years he stolled my happines and he was feeding with my energy. I feel robbed. but I fighting with my own thoughts. And one good news is that God gave us the light in our soul and nobody can steal that from us. Only if we let them. I have good moments and bad moments but Im fighting. and I am not alone. I have discovered this site, great healing resources and I know that God is taking care of us, He gave us life, not the psychopath that we had met”! they don”t have any power on us. Only God has. This fact makes me strong.

    • I know how you feel.
      Womdering if i’ll ever trust again, my whole view on romantic love between a man and a woman has shifted from something beauriful to something that is manipulative and ugly.
      Loosing my faith has been the most difficult part of my divorce, not my husband cheating, but my loss of faith.

      My ex was such a good man, kind and loving. How could someone desicrate their family like he did? Makes the world seem like an immoral place, where society supports divorce and the breakdown of community.

      So many empty, lonely people, i never knew existed, now they’re all i see.

      It’s been 3 years since D Day and the hope and faith in the sanctity of marriage has not been restored.

    • Cara
      Listen, girl… he wanted to be LIKE YOU- decent person, loyal companion and friend, with a good values and priorities in place….
      Unfortunately- HE WAS nothing like you….
      that’s why he ended up being bitter, angry and hateful….
      Don’t let him change who you really ARE!!!
      Don’t give him that power

  • Before I found out if the sordid affair he told me he was going skiing alone for few days . My son & I carried his ski equipment & helped him with packed lunch to his car.

    Weeks later I found ripped up statement from his charge account. I put it together piece by piece… read he was in a hotel room, restaurant receipts, liquor purchases just half hour from our town.

    When I confronted him he said he won a free room at a hotel, wanted to party & if he drank too much, he could sleep out there instead of driving all way home.

    Was with the Whore… how stupid was I ??????

    • DDay #2 for me was when I was coordinating housesitter so he could go skiing by himself following a business trip while daughter and I were in Hawaii. (She was meeting up with a friend and I had a lovely condo. I asked him to join me saying it has been forever since we had a vacation just the two of us.)

      So two hours before I’m set to leave with my daughter, my marriage blows up. I manage to fake it with her a few days until she heads off with her friend.

      He sticks with his plan and goes skiing with OW. But he was generous enough to offer that he’d pay for the trip out of his separate property.

      As it turns out, he’s a serial adulter and I have no idea how much community funds were spend on his affairs.

    • You were not stupid. You were only a good person who thought like normal people think that they have dicided to have a man in her life who will respect her, love her and take care of her. He is the stupid one that he lost a treasure! His family, a great wife, the respect, everything!

    • With mine, it was a 5 day bike ride up the coast and back. The one he needed to reduce work stress. I rounded up the pack bags for the bike, and made sure they were cleaned and ready to go, along with the sleeping bag. Made sure all his gear and clothing was prepared and packed. Got him sunscreen. Even set him up with snacks for along the way. The one thing I couldn’t figure out was why he didn’t see it a priority to pack the single tent.

      The other odd thing was that he was out of cell phone signal the entire time, with the exception of one quick voicemail he left me on one day. Hmmm. It was 2015 and the cell range along the CA coast is pretty solid. Also, the guy who would always take tons of photos, came home with supposedly not a single pic of his “epic” and “gorgeous” coastal ride experience.

      He went during the start of our daughters’ spring break, which meant he had time at work to make up when he returned. No time for the family. Plenty of time to be with the OWhore employee of his, 13 years his junior, who I am now certain accompanied him on that trip. (insert face palm to head)

      • I was always helping H pack for his business trips, buying him clothes etc. as a part of being a nice wife; I was Even buying “ gifts” for kids ( H was too busy during the trips) so he can give it to our children…
        After #2 I learned, that my ways of doing nice stuff for him, were used to lure and fuck whoever was willing or was paid for the “ service”
        I felt like an idiot for a long time.
        No time for buying souvenirs for his family? Plenty of time to screw around…

  • Omg so many to choose from. Of course there’s the usual: “she tells me her marital problems because I helped her out making cupboards.”
    And then comes “I was just trying to claim my stake in my mothers place to my brother” after I overheard him say to his brother, “I’m so unhappy in my marriage. I’m just going to stay until the kids are gone.” The latter was the truth, that if he had told me instead of his brother, things could have gone down a lot differently. But no, like a good chump I accepted what he told me without really believing it. It was the beginning of the end. After 20 yrs married to that, and 4 yrs out, Now I trust no one.

  • We’ve never touched. Our connection is 100% Spiritual.

    Eight months and a quickie dissolution later, a full term baby (described as a week late) pops out of the Sluterus.

    My inquiry to my OBGYN and her response if that was possible.

    “Her uterus is not an Instant Pot”

    • Luziana, so sorry you had to go through this. I will never use my instant pot ever again without thinking of you and saying a prayer for you. <3

    • “…not an instant pot”, this made me snort out loud in my cubicle where no snorting or even heavy breathing is allowed in this govt cubicle farm… LOL!!!

    • A little story on how I selected my username: My now XH was a Jesus Cheater. He actually decided he had an “insight” one day where he realized he had never been in love with me. This life altering “insight” was that we weren’t SPIRITUALY CONNECTED. However, his “insight” from God happened to come at the same time as he told me he just found his soulmate. Of course it was complicated by a 2 week Online affair with a fantasy from half way across the world, she couldn’t speak English, different religion, and he had never met her.

      He did leave me, separation and divorce started before he flew off to meet his soulmate. I truly believed that we he met her the fantasy would blow up and he would come back once he realized all that we shared. It was when I confirmed he had flown to meet her and lived with her a month visa, that I stopped smoking the hopium pipe.

      It’s very painful knowing I was thrown away after 25yrs for a 2 week fantasy. It was mental hell because he told me I was still his best friend, had been a great wife, and we had a wonderful relationship. He didn’t excuse or blame with complaints, accusations or faults of me. My world had been hit by a meteor I didn’t see coming, blew a crater through my heart, slammed my soul out of orbit, and caused near death from the fallout.

      This is why it’s important for me to tell people Emotional Affairs can definitely destroy a marriage. Today is exactly 5 yrs, not at meh but have quit trying to untangle the skein. Now I just conclude that crazy is as crazy does. Sorry for hijacking Fun Friday, now back to our much needed comedy relief.

      • I can relate to this, spirit woman. How can they survive after they’ve been caught and all this ugly is about to come down the turnpike at them. For me? I was shocked he wouldn’t keep seeing her! 35 yrs of (cough) marital bliss. We were best friends our entire adult life, and now we are 100% N/C. I don’t think he ever thought I would immediately file divorce papers on him with hardly any conversation. Bam!

  • He had hiv, a lie
    The ow was abused as a child (admitted a lie), her dad was in prison, lie, she was a friend, lie, he said he picked me, a lie, he wasn’t paid, a lie, he didn’t know they were prostitutes, a lie, pretend suicide attempt, a lie, biggest lie pretending to be a human being, forgot cystitis was actually sti, my lie wasting my life on him!

  • (After returning home after attending yet again another family event with my daughters, but without KK, who suddenly decided she wanted to see the new Star Wars movie alone, “to give myself a break”)

    “I was on the highway on the way to the theater, but … did you ever start driving and just zone out, and suddenly you don’t remember any of the previous 10 or 15 minutes? That happened to me! And suddenly I was 20 miles away, clear on the opposite side of Boston. Weird, huh? So I just decided to drive around for a while. How was the party . . . ?”

    (She was fucking the Carrot Singer in his home, after his wife and infant daughter left for the day.)

  • She told me she was flying to Idaho to reconnect with a friend of ours from college. Even emailed me a “copy” of her airline itinerary. And she called me and the kids back in Oklahoma every night to tell us about her great day in “Idaho.” Except she wasnt in Idaho. She was in Las Vegas. With an AP. He was from Florida. And she met him playing World of Warcraft online. (Note: names of states changed). Literally a lie big enough to span a continent.

    • He went a week early to a conference in Salt Lake so he could “visit Yellowstone” even though his father was at death’s door (in Europe). I asked why he would do that (said I didn’t understand since I’ve never been to Yellowstone and he has). Well, his father died that week while he was with OW (and being a chump, felt sorry for him). Four months later when he should have gone to parent orientation and move our son to college 8 hours away (I always felt like a single parent), he said he was sad about his father and wanted alone time to think about him (and being a chump, felt sorry for him). I later found out he went to a soccer game at Wembley with OW (we live in the U.S.) So many lies…and me such a chump.

  • Wow, the real challenge here is choosing just one lie, when there have been so many.

    Here goes. For years, my STBX maintained that his affair in 2011 had been an emotional affair only. Last July, I discovered text messages between him and his whore — my STBX had “waited and waited until the clock struck 12” so that he could be the first person to wish her happy birthday; her reply included the following, “All I want for my birthday is to have your arms wrapped around me and your body smack up against mine.”

    After reading these texts, I said to my STBX, “Obviously, your affair was not just emotional.” His reply, “Yes it was!”
    Me: “Then why would she talk about your arms wrapped around her and your body snack up against hers?”
    Him: “She likes to sit very close to me. She always talks about how she likes to sit right next to me, very closely.”
    Me: “Do you also wrap your arms around her while you’re sitting close to her?”

    Yikes. Unbelievable.

  • The $2000.00 that was withdrawn from our a/c when I saw the statement. Well he said I just wanted to buy you an heirloom. Took him two weeks to give it to me. In August no birthday no occasion to celebrate, nothing. Gosh I nearly cried when I saw it, actually thought the diamonds were real. Oh my .. saw the same thing for $10.00 at a costume jewelry shop. I’m keeping it as a reminder… all the lies, betrayal etc in my weak moments! Oh how that strengthens me….

  • A month after this clusterfuck began, I decided to go to the beach to try to get myself in a better space. At the time I needed to get my head right as I was very double-minded with it all (knowing what the facts are, however not acknowledging all of those facts).

    I went to the beach, ALONE, and for two days I drank coffee, smoked cigarettes and read two books: Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life and From Abandonment to Healing.

    Three weeks later Douchebag McGee decided he needed a weekend alone to reflect so he could come back and really work on our marriage since he was concerned I had disengaged a bit. He told me he wouldn’t be answering the phone because he really needed to be focused. The fucker even sent me a video text telling me he was going to take time to reflect so he could come back and be the husband I deserve. He ended the video with, “Just know that I love you” (should have heard “I’ll be banging my co worker this weekend but I’ll be thinking about you the whole time).

    My best friend has mutual friends with homeslice and homeslice posted all over FB about her weekend with her man. Weekend ended…. he came to the house and told me he wanted to work on our marriage….I guess he couldn’t stop thinking about me while fucking her.

    Needless to say, it’s been two years since the clusterfuck, I’m getting ready to sell our house; I get 100% of the proceeds (alienation of affection and criminal conversation is a great negotiation tool, if you have it in your state; especially since he married homeslice and doesn’t want her to know that about all of his attempts at wreckoncilation while they were simultaneously together; they are married now) and Douchebag McGee gets to pay spousal support for several years.

    Life IS better. I was erratic during the beginning out of Fear. Fear keeps us trapped; fear can go fuck off, I will NEVER tolerate that kind of BS from anyone again.

  • The classic: those condoms are old ones from when we were trying not to get pregnant (9 years ago?). And: I don’t wear my wedding band because it’s never been comfortable (he just realized this after 8 years of wearing it). Gosh, typing these out makes me feel like such a chump

    • One of mine is similar — “the condoms are gone because I use them to masturbate so I won’t leave a mess.”


        • I found unopened condom packages in his travel toiletry bag. We didn’t use condoms.
          He said his sister put them in his toiletry bag as a “joke.”

          • Mine SHOWED me a pack of condoms he had bought from a gas station while we were on a weekend trip. I was like “why? you have a vasectomy and I had a hysterectomy a couple years ago.” So he gets all pouty and butthurt and says, “It was just to make things more exciting, see, this one has knobs, and that one is neon orange,” or some such bullshit. And I’m like “But I thought guys hate condoms, and you sure used to complain. Butthurt butthead says “Well if you’re going to be so negative about it, then fine, we won’t use them.” No sex at all that weekend as I remember.
            What I think of this whole weird incident? He was buying them for whoever he was screwing at that time, and got some sort of sick perverted pleasure out of showing them to me and being sooo clever. Gah!

    • Mine blamed the condoms I found in HIS truck on our 14 year old virgin son. Not long after that, I found out about a Tinder account and he pinned that one on him, too. So I had a “come to Jesus” talk with my poor kid who had no clue what I was even talking about. I’m so ashamed that I believed my husband’s lies about our son.

        • My cheater bought the condoms for the “talk” that never happened between him and out high school son, but the condoms disappeared.
          What a fucker.

      • Oh no, don’t feel bad about it. Things like this happen when dads cheat, and it’s why an abusive cheater like this can never be a truly “good dad.” Ever. Your son will understand in time what his father did & who he is as a man, and how his father’s behavior harmed him. Hugs to you.

      • Hopeful, I had the same “talk” with my young teen son, too, after porn sites kept popping up on our computer. I confronted cheater ex about it first, and he played all innocent and blamed our son! Of course, son denied everything, because it wasn’t true!! So when I reported this back to scumbag cheater ex, he threw son under the bus again and accused him of lying! There truly are no limits to the depraved depths to which they will sink.

    • I heard the same about the wedding ring…said it was uncomfortable and that he didn’t like things on his hands (said very rationally – this was the first year we were married so never imagined there was some other reason). But years later after I found out about the cheating, he said it was “in protest” – he wanted me to beg him to wear it. It made him angry that I accepted his not wanting to wear it. SO many mind games…trying to make me feel unstable and insecure and saying the opposite of what he really wanted. Chumpy me took him at his word and didn’t suspect ulterior motives.

      • He used to wear his wedding ring on 3rd finger. Granted, it was too big for his ring finger. Up until he took a different job that pit straim on his hands to the point that all his fingers looked like sausages. Especially the one he had the ring on. When i told him to release pressure and slide it over to his ring finger, it’s swollen and can accommodate the ring for a while, the damn fight he put up over it, Christ!of course it has *nothing* to do with the single mom Diva he sees and interacts with twice a day, yeah, nothing ????????????????.

        And the hypocrisy is mind blowing. When, after 1.5 months of not a good word, no sex, no intimacy I walked in on him mid-stroking on the couch “taking a break from job search, trying to relax”…. i blew my stack. Stopped wearing my ring. He was sooo sowwwyyy…texted asking if I’ll please wear my ring again, “for him”. I told him that’s quite a cruel thing to ask of me, since he has no problem jizzing all over his ring multiple times a day while imagining fucking some random ho, and nothing left for me and our marriage. That shut him up about the ring issue.
        Coincidentally, the “i wuv you, I’m sowwy” texts and attitude stopped when he started his new job and met Diva Lolobrigida, who he has to whute knight for because she has long nails…even tho the job requires working with your hands all day.

      • I don’t trust that he was consistent in condom use in my case, but I do have some gratitude that I was personally lucky that I didn’t catch anything from his antics. (Given everything, though, I am sure his motivation would have been 100% driven by self interest, so my gratitude is universal and he doesn’t get any of it.) 😉

        • Well she went 100 percent without condoms or birth control. Looking back, getting pregnant would have made me chuckle!

    • At least your cheater used condoms. I got, “It was just a drunken one-night stand!” when I found out about the illegitimate son for whom my x had been secretly paying child support for 13 years.

      The boy’s name is Mitchell, and he lives with his mother the one-night stand in Toronto, Canada. My family refers to him as “Mitchell Snow, Bastard of the North.”

      • My cheater husband did not use condoms with the AP I met. She had never had kids and wanted him to impregnate her. He was happy to oblige although he had a family (with chump wife, me). He offered to use condoms on me. I, the wife, started feeling like the OW!

  • I got one! A full year before he announced he haz sadz, he let me know that he was let go during a corporate reshuffle, new CEO wanted his own exec team. I babied him for a month, told him how unfair, networked like hell for him. Four years later (2 years after divorce was final) I’m on a business trip meeting a client, a client the sadz ex referred to me as she was his old boss’ wife. She asks what’s new, I say the ex is getting remarried, she asks “To the woman he got fired for?” Wha…???? Turns out the executive shift was his getting fired for fraud. He and his howorker had been charging the company to find their international vacations, including one to an exotic resort in India. Fun trying to explain to client how I’m not really such a gullible dumbass…

  • My ex and I were separated due to his drinking but trying to work through things. We had agreed that the separation did not include dating. Apparently he misunderstood and thought that boinking a local college girl and introducing her to our son was ok. Obviously the separation moved on to divorce. One weekend I went back to the house to start packing my things and he called me to over explain a pet fish. It wasn’t his! He was pet sitting! Not sure why I would care about a flipping fish in the house but thanks for the heads up. For whatever reason he thought the fish would be the give away that the girlfriend was living in the house that I was still contributing to the mortgage and bills for. He forgot to come up with a good excuse for her bras and the vibrating cock ring though…

  • My x told me she left her previous marriage (and abandoned her 3 kids) because her x-husband got the baby sitter pregnant and was constantly cheating on her.

    Found out in the middle of my divorce that my x had an affair on her previous husband and that she was dragging her kids around on the dates. The reason she left and abandoned the three kids is because he found out about it.

    So she came to America as an illegal and left the three kids with the father and then told everyone sad sausage stories (which where lies) about what happened.

    To add more salt to the wound I recently found out that she may become a citizen. There is a secret immigration court where people can be convicted of a crime (sorta) and you can’t ever mount a defense. If this court determines you are guilty then the illegal becomes an American citizen. This happens with “alleged abuse”.

    So it seems my X took advantage of this loophole in the law to become an American citizen by lying to them. She was going to received deportation papers later this year as Trump was not renewing TPS programs.

    Seems like this sick jerks seem to always find a way to get ahead!

    • Forgot to mention the secret court. The defendent is never nmotified of it and you never are aware of the accusations that have been made against you.

      Basically my X told this court I physically abused her and raped her (and our daughter). I found her in the public court when she accused me of that stuff and I wun (both times she tried). My daughter also told everyone she could that her mother was lying about that and it never happened.

      • That’s awful. I know someone who went through that. Accused of abuse after a whirlwind marriage so she could get citizenship.

  • There were so many ridiculous lies. The one that stands out the most is:

    “I can’t possibly be sleeping with x, y and z. I was a virgin when I met you! My high school gf (and those others I mentioned dating) never wanted to have sex!”

  • He was going to meet his friend Steve for a bike ride. He grabbed a beach towel on his way out the door. Me: “What’s the beach towel for?” Him: “Oh, just in case I want to shower at Steve’s house after the bike ride”. Right. Because Steve doesn’t have towels.

    Found out later he was boating with shmoopie.

    Another one: Me: “You’re face is sunburned”. Him: “yeah I took a call at work today and went outside because it’s a beautiful day and I was out there for an hour. Me: “Take off your shirt”. The sunburn was severe and all over his chest stomach and back. What a stupid asshole. He was at the beach. He still insisted shmoopie wasn’t there. Yeah, right

    • How about the sunburn which shows a large hand and arm across the lower back of the OW? Talk about a “red flag”!

  • “I never wear my wedding ring when I travel. I don’t want a potential terrorist to know I have a family.”

    • Ah, the terrorism card. Haven’t heard that before. You were married to an international man of mystery: Cheater-as-007. Brilliant!

    • OMG! Jenny, our cheaters were given the same terrorist briefing and security clearance. Cheater brought it to my attention, if by chance I noticed that he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring, he didn’t want potential terrorists to know he has a family. My hero…

      Cheater is a pilot for a major airline, he lost his wedding band or left it in his room at least three of four times while on trip. At that time he said he removed the ring because he was afraid the wedding band might get caught in something and he’d lose a finger which could end his career. I must have had a wtf look on my face because he continued.., what if I have to walk around the plane and look at the engines.. Being the Chump I am, I never questioned him.
      Now that I’m thinking about it, don’t you look with your eyes not your fingers? Have you seen the size of a 757’s engine? Excuse the late arrival pilot dumbass had to climb inside the engine and make a minor adjustment. Good thing he isn’t wearing his wedding band, safety first.
      X is incapable of fixing a lawn mower.
      Can you picture that? how does anyone get their hand I that close to a planes engine fan?
      I really think I could win the title of Queen Chump.. at least be in the top 5.

      • Brit, this is hilarious! I had to LOL at your ex climbing inside the 747 engine to make a minor adjustment…

    • Ha! Good one! Bonus points for making it sound like he cares. Mine never wore his for fear of losing a finger on a gun trigger. His go to military excuse.

    • Too outrageous! What a knight!

      “I don’t often protect my family from terrorists, but when I do, I always take off my wedding ring. Works every time.”

      Honestly, it is a miracle any of us survived these delusional freaks and their mind-twisting lies.

  • The Founding Lie:
    When we were first beginning to get close to one another he told me how he’d protected a black man from his racist uncle. I thought I’d found a man who was compassionate, ethical, non-racist, willing to confront injustice, and courageous, that story went a long way to my opening up and trusting him. When I recounted this story to him not too long ago (I’m only ten days out in my own place), he said “That never happened. I was telling a lot of lies at that point in my life.”

    Foundational Lie:
    He was hiding his true sexuality from me.

  • It says duplicate comment but I don’t see it so trying again:

    He was going to meet his friend Steve for a bike ride. He grabbed a beach towel on his way out the door. Me: “What’s the beach towel for?” Him: “Oh, just in case I want to shower at Steve’s house after the bike ride”. Right. Because Steve doesn’t have towels.

    Found out later he was boating with shmoopie.

    Another one: Me: “You’re face is sunburned”. Him: “yeah I took a call at work today and went outside because it’s a beautiful day and I was out there for an hour. Me: “Take off your shirt”. The sunburn was severe and all over his chest stomach and back. What a stupid asshole. He was at the beach. He still insisted shmoopie wasn’t there. Yeah, right

  • “I had to pull into a McDonald’s with bad diarrhea. There was no (cell) signal in the bathroom.”
    – My ex’s explanation to our daughter & me, when he went MIA for 90 mins on his way to pick her up from college for Thanksgiving.
    GPS nailed him at a massage parlor.

  • “I was working late.”

    He was always unemployed, and when he would get the occasional contract gig, he always ended up “working late” just before his contract ended. I ran into an old friend who confirmed he was fired from one job (the contract didn’t “just end”) because he used to cut and paste everything he wrote.

    • Now I know his “working late” was code for “I’m fucking around with some skank I lied to at work.”

      • Yes, “working late” is a classic. As well as “going to watch the game with the boys.”

        My ex would NEVER tell me when he was working late when he was actually working late. He’d just come home whenever. When he started fucking around, he’d ALWAYS tell me he was working late.

        Chumpy me just thought he was finally getting considerate about letting me know.

    • Mine was always working “in the vault,” a part of his office building that didn’t have cell phone reception, so he could rarely receive my calls at work. Find My Iphone tracked him to a “vault” alright, only it wasn’t in his office.

      • Other Kat,

        My partner (post-separation boyfriend), too! Mine works in the defense industry and had to work in vaults and go to places (couldn’t tell me where) for a few days now and then. He was probably telling the truth. However, he didn’t bother to tell me that my replacement, his work subordinate, worked a few desks away from him. So I give him ‘partial credit’ for sometimes telling the truth! However, 50% is still an ‘F’ in my gradebook!

        My partner (husband/now ex-husband) didn’t have to try to hide much as 90% of his work was away from home. He virtually lived with his one of his APs while he was away from kids and me. His colleagues, the godfather of one of my kids all knew this. I was the last to know. Being a trusting chump, I didn’t find out until he confessed to me–a decade after he started cheating on me.

  • I don’t know if anyone can understand this or if it happened to anyone else here, but I never experienced an open lie from cheater.
    He just carried on with his life, that would be packing his duffel bag for work away, ( in which his brand new underwear was packed-which I had lovingly laundered and folded), and went out the door, happily driving off to his tru wuv’s open arms and vagina.
    It was like to him I wasn’t really there, just something to pass by on the way out the door. No need to lie to me, just bypass an obstacle on the way to better pastures!
    He, himself, is the big lie!

    • Happened to me, too. He found my replacement and continued “our” life (sans sons) with her. When I was doing the financial accounting to find the tens of thousands that disappeared, I found credit card posts from places we used to frequent, and where he was now bringing her. I used to wonder how he passed her off to the people at those places who knew me.

      Pesky me wouldn’t “just die” as he had hoped. Hey, someone had to raise our sons, and they wanted nothing to do with his skanky “domestic partner.” That’s how he introduces her to people. Like she’s an obedient dog. Quite apt, actually.

      I think my very (continued) existence pisses him off more than anything else in his life. Because discarded things should just disappear.

      • ChutesandLadders, you’re not alone! My Nex and NexMIL just want me out of the picture. You can just discard and replace someone, right? I had a cancer scare this year, told him about it and…crickets. Why won’t I just disappear from planet earth so Schmoop and him can raise our kids as the perfect, happy family? Me breathing oxygen everyday is such a drag for them. Jesus cheaters are exhausting to deal with. It’s scary that such entitled people like them exist in this world.

        • Yes I had/have cancer and I scheduled surgery while he scheduled plane tix and hotel reservations for he and Schmoop. “They would never let me take off work short notice for your cancer surgery” = lie. I have not seen or talked to that woman” = lie. “There is No One’s reflection or shadow in the mirror, wall picture or TV screen and I am Alone in this hotel room” = lie. “Those charges for plane tickets and double occupancy hotel room are a mistake, airlines and hotels often make mistakes, I don’t know how HER name got on the reservations and receipts” = lie This was only for Aug 2016 (DDay #3 of 4)

          I am a huge chump and this first lie should have been the ‘Early Warning System’ of all lies, “My dad is dead” (July 1992), one month later: “Here are the pics of me and my dad from this Spring, don’t we look alike? He lives in next town over” = lie I should have put the photos down and walked away right then and there, saved myself 25 years of lies lies and more lies. But I am a habitual chump and I have offspring with this cheater-troll and they are amazing and hopefully kids and I can live an authentically honest, disordered personality free life from now on. FYI: Divorce was a Tuesday

  • Upon seeing the OW’s name written directly above his penis after he said he had ended the affair 3 months earlier: “I wrote it myself.” (He would’ve had to write it upside down).

    Also, does it make it any better if HE’S writing another woman’s name on his penis???????

    • Incredible. OW was marking him this way so he couldn’t “cheat” on her with you, his wife. Look at what she is…dependent on the marginal scraps of what a real relationship would be like, and can’t even trust her place in that pathetic role.

      The world these people inhabit. It’s like one of those dark nightmares where it isn’t anything that actually happens that threatens you, it’s the feeling of the thing. And they choose this.

    • What?!!! I hate to even imagine what sort of session he must have gotten up to that involved genital signing! Was it a permanent tattoo? LOL, this must be a winner in some kind of category — maybe the gross visualization…

  • “I didn’t know my f*buddy and his family were staying in the same condo complex as us for spring break”
    Found this information after dday. Eight million places to stay in Florida, and this happened by chance?

    • Hey! That happened to me, too. Guess that particular hotel in Florida was apparently the ONLY place available to stay! ????

  • “The doctor said I got the crabs from a toilet seat”

    This after I discovered I had crabs!
    Could have saved myself DECADES of lies.

    • The one my college roommate got in 1989 was “I drove a tractor in a wet bathing suit that’s how I got crabs.”

      I was told that I had no respect for family when he drove off to see grandpa (for the last time) at the nursing home, then go to a cousins 50th. I couldn’t grasp the time he insisted on leaving, which made me question him. Of course between all the family loyalty was a stop at a highway motel to catch 40 winks with the mow, paid with cash. Because family respect and loyalty.

      I harp on this one because of the guilt I carried for years. Being told I was disrespectful and judgemental of his family. I was in fact uncomfortable because I felt everything they did and said was insincere. I was right, but the shame and guilt I’ve felt since the early nineties is really hard to shake. Still.

  • 1. “I’m going out to shoot pool.” (Translation: I’m going to a hotel about 20 minutes away from where we live to meet a woman I “hired” from Craiglist. I paid for the room from our joint checking account. I left before she got there because I knew I couldn’t go through with it. This was the first time.)

    2. “I want to fix us. I want our marriage.” (Translation: I want kibbles and I haven’t secured a new permanent chump yet.)

    • ICanSeeMehComing-
      I got #2 as well, along with “I’m doing all of this out of fear and pain”. Fear keeps us stuck. I hope you are NC, he doesn’t deserve any piece of you. Not one bit.

    • I got #1 also! Hired a prostitute, but “couldn’t go through with it. So I just masturbated while she watched, but I didn’t even touch her.” Excuse me if I think that’s just as sad and pitiful as fucking a prostitute properly. While your pregnant wife is at home taking care of your mother and 3 young children 5yo and under.

      Close to DD #2 He preemptively told me a crazy girl was calling him, saying that her boyfriend was in jail and she was really horny and wanted to hook up with him. He told me like it was soooo weird, and can I believe that people are so crazy? I never looked into it, but I’m sure he was covering his tracks for when whoever this OW was planned to contact me. She never did, and I’m just glad to be free from his mindfucks, lies and constant abuse.

  • I love today’s cartoon, reminds me so much of my Cheater. Sounds like something he’d say, or has said to me. Chumpy me thinking, there’s nothing wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex. I trust my Cheater, he isn’t like “other” guys.. Just ask him.

  • Well just like one of the mentioned examples, my Ex never came home one night (in Upstate NY, not Vermont), in January. He just never came home from work and because he was self employed as a home repair handyman there were no work contacts to call. I was actually worried that maybe his truck slid into a ditch in the snow somewhere so of course I called and called his cell phone all evening long, and it went straight into voice mail. Finally went to bed distraught and fell asleep while still trying to call him and leaving messages pleading for him to call me. At about 8:30 the next morning I heard his key in the door of our house, I leaped out of bed to greet him showering him with hugs and kisses and “I was so worried” etc. then asked point blank, “what happened? where were you?”

    He said he had stopped in a bar on the north side of town (where we knew no one) for a couple of beers and then when he got in his truck he realized he was too drunk to drive. He’d never had trouble holding his beer before as I’d seen him line up 10 or 11 empty bottles at many a party. Still believing him, I asked, “Well WHY didn’t you CALL me????”

    Oh. He said, “I dropped my phone on the floor of the truck and I was too drunk to pick it up.”
    So he said he slept in the truck overnight (on one of the busiest streets in the city where a cop would probably have seen him, and where he probably would have had frikking hypothermia).

    Oh gosh you poor thing! come get under the covers and get warm! I was so happy he was home.
    Years later I look back on this incident and realize that the smile I thought was his happiness to be back home with me was a smirk at how gullible I was.

    Oh, and to my “why didn’t you call me in the morning on your way home just to let me know you were safe?” he answered that his phone battery was dead.

    One of the 2 x 4’s that helped me get over this lying asshole was a visualisation my brother provided to me; he said, WisedUp, every time you think you miss Cheater, think of him turning the key in his truck as he’s leaving the house and smiling and saying to himself, “HA! she believed me again!”

    • OMG – This EXACTLY! Just in Florida instead of NY, but it was still a 40 degree night. Every time I read these comments I’m amazed at how un-original they all are!

    • Hello upstate:)

      Oh my… in our case- long working hours, no time during lunch…. fucking around and “ exploring” places… then telling me about “ the place he heard from guys at work- new restaurant etc”
      ???? taking his whores and then wife/ kids to the same establishments ????????????????????

  • Every year he visited his friend out of state for a “show”… One year he went on vacation with his mistress. He even went so far as to “pretend” to book the flight so he could send me a “screenshot” of the flight info. He had my brother drive him to the airport so he could fuck his mistress in warm sunshiny weather. He made the “obligatory” phone calls to daughter and I as though he was really with his friend. He came home and acted as though he did not just do what he did. Upon discovery of affair, and through “trying” to work on the marriage, he never revealed this whopper of a lie.

    I found out about this “vacation” while going through his phone while sitting next to him in bed. I read it through a text message someone sent him…where he exclaims to a friend, “I’m in Ft.Lauderdale and the weather’s great!”
    He looked and me in a fit of rage and said “That happened ages ago!”
    Me, I felt like I was finding out about the affair for the first time. It set me back big time. Him? Not one fucking bit of remorse.

    • I get so enraged when I picture him walking into the airport and texting her to find out where she is. They then walk up to each other smiling, kiss each other, hold hands with “butterflies” in their stomach…. after all the “suffering” of boinking each other in sleazy motels they FINALLY get to sleep in the bed all night in each other’s arms in paradise no less.
      Me? I’m home saying a prayer that my husband’s plane doesn’t crash or blow up midair. Such a freakin chump!

      • Pret, this is how I felt when I found out (well after the fact, of course) about my ex’s first weekend away with the OW. He told me he was going to Boise (a five-hour drive) for an Imagine Dragons concert (ex was 55 at the time and I ‘imagined’ him being the oldest person there). He told me he was going with a 30-ish friend named Taylor. I asked where he was going to stay and he said, “We’re going to ‘crash’ at Taylor’s parents’ house.” Crash? He was 55! I hadn’t known him to stay anywhere less than a Marriott or a Hilton for the past 25 years. It was as if our son came home with a 55-year-old friend for a concert. I was mystified.

        The day of departure was a raging blizzard that ended up dumping a foot of snow across the northwest. I said, “Are you sure it’s a good idea to drive in this weather?” but he was determined to go. OF COURSE he drove out of our driveway straight to the OW’s house and took her with him. I later had all those feelings you did, imagining how excited they must have been to get away and spend their first nights together, while I was at home shoveling snow so he could get back in the garage, and worried about driving conditions.

        • A blizzard! Wow, you are so much better off without someone capable of that level of deception.

          I had to handle snow removal many times myself while my cheater ex hubby was off on a trip with his married male lover.

  • I have two that are pretty good:
    1. He didn’t come home from work at all one night (with me calling his phone frantically every 20 minutes). When he got in at around 5 a.m., he said he had fallen asleep on the tiny bench in the hallway of the law firm where he worked. He was bemused that I had been so worried.
    2. After D-day, and after I told him he couldn’t have us both, he was acting very depressed and mopey. One evening after dinner he said he had to go for a short walk to clear his head. He was gone for about 4 hours. When he got back, he said he had decided to walk all the way around the reservoir that was a few towns over. Ohhhhhhhkayyyyyy. I was so dumb I half believed both of these. ????

  • I would never give hobby lobby one red cent.
    He took his pants in the bathroom and was in there about 10 minutes. I know he was in there texting this other lady. He comes out and I said did you take a shit. I went right in behind him. He said he tried and was constipated. I said it doesn’t smell like shit. There was nothing sprayed. What has this come to! I am here to try and smell shit!

    • Ha! Yes, I’ve been reduced to the fecal odor emissions police, too! However, my narcissist cheater replied, “My shit doesn’t stink.”

  • My wife worked in pharma sales and travelled a lot as part of the job (stop me if you’ve heard this one before.) Occasionally she would attend POA meetings in places like Vegas, Chicago Seattle part of her job. Our 16th year anniversary was coming up and she had to attend a meeting in Puerto Rico. She had been there before for another POA meeting so this was not unusual. I wasn’t happy about it but I knew her work was demanding. So I stayed home with the kids (we have two.) We texted back a forth that week (her cell phone reception wasn’t good…lol) and she told me she wished I could have been there and that I was the reason she was so successful and that she looked forward to our life together. This was not unusual as she said that often even though our relationship over the years had been a high conflict one. (She was a highly emotional woman and I had grown to accommodate her emotions.) Fast forward – A week or so after returning I woke up one night after having a hard time sleeping. ( I had been having suspicious feelings for some time.) I went down stairs from our bedroom to the office where she worked from home. Usually her laptop was passcode protected but on this occasion she had forgot to secure it. Of course I looked at her e-mail account. I saw an Expedia receipt from the previous week. There in black and white was her trip itinerary but it was for two people; her and a friend of mine who I’d recently put her in touch with to help get her into AA. My heart hit the floor… After digging into the Expedia history further I found the previous trip (two years earlier) to the island with another man who was a work colleague After the D days I began to put all the pieces together and that’s when I found Chump Lady and began to educate myself about a thing I had no idea existed – Borderline Personality Disorder…

    • I was the same way. Completely ignorant about the existence of personality disorder. I often think if this subject were mandatory education in our youth, none of us would have been chumps – it largely requires ignorance that this can even exist in someone. But then I also trace back my harsh education in it, and even if I’d have gotten an A in that class, I’m not sure I’d have really “gotten it” without living it. I really don’t believe I could explain cluster B to anyone who hasn’t been burned badly by it and have them really grasp it. There’s a resistance to accepting it as true. It feels like you’re accepting paranoia about people because the nature of so much of it is so vile and yet so camouflaged. And there’s a resistance to accepting its relative commonality, and to accepting yourself as vulnerable to being fooled by it. We all think we know human nature until we realize we didn’t.

      • My ex is a textbook Cluster B, narcissistic personality disorder. These people must normally have to be diagnosed third-hand, because they rarely seek out psychotherapy, or even ever admit there’s anything wrong with them.

        I agree with you, TKO, if we’d all been educated earlier on Cluster B’s, many of us might have been avoided being chumped. I know for myself, I might have recognized the love bombing as a red flag, instead of allowing myself to be swept off my feet as I did.

        Instead, I never knew such people even existed.

      • TKO,
        I LECTURED on abnormal psychology, including personality disorders, at university while married to my Cluster B Classic! I even told myself, ‘I don’t know anyone like this.’ However, approximately a week after my husband confessed, after I thawed out a bit from the shock, the light bulb went on.

    • Just know that there is NOTHING you could have done differently that would have changed her behavior or ever will. She was going to cheat no matter what.

    • I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in my early 20s.
      I’ve never cheated. Period.
      My mother strongly instilled that as an important value in a relationship. However I had other very string emotional issues and I will still abandon my self-care when there’s relational strife. I think applying PDs universally to explain away cheating behaviour is somewhat dangerous.

      In my case my husband was the cheater and he doesn’t have BPD.

      He does however have attachment issues. I think that generally has more to do with it. It just so happens that BPD people often have attachment issues. But that’s all “untangling the skein” and I spent enough years doing that.

      • I think that’s really fair to say. I’m sorry you got cheated on and I’m happy you’re here. It’s a strong message/reality. A PD is not a free pass or guarantee that someone will cheat. Cheating can be a strong indicator of a PD, but People with a PD don’t have to cheat. Rock on Alexandra.

        • Thanks Creativerational.

          BPD is a VERY challenging diagnosis. Most BPD people don’t get diagnosed and when they do they take it very personally. It’s ironic that one of the highly-sensitive-to-criticism PDs is often blamed on most forums for relational issues across the board. My BPD was abandonment-triggered and I would end up in hospital. I also had binge-eating and binge-spending issues.

          Those themselves can be toxic to a relationship and I get that. I was not a a lot of fun to be in a relationship with in my early 20s before I had EMDR therapy. Or I would be fun for a little bit and then turn into a sobbing mess.

          It’s tough when you end up with an abusive partner of any type. Sometimes it’s a PD, sometimes it’s extremely poor learned behaviour and sometimes they are just an arse.

          Self-diagnosing your spouse though? If it helps you say “they are nucking futs and I couldn’t go anything about that.” Then fine, great, in fact! Then you can get away from the jerky behaviour.

          My only concern is that the more a PD is labelled with x aberrant behaviour, the more people attach to it. For instance, I’ve seen behaviour that is nothing short of sociopathic be assigned to BPD.

          And another thing, BPD is on a spectrum. So you get BPD people that have mostly impulse control issues and emotional regulation problems. Then you’ve got those that can’t seem to have only one mood across 30 seconds who would clean out your bank account just before binge-drinking and they try to throw themselves off of a bridge because their boyfriend didn’t understand their feelings and their husband didn’t want to hear about it.

          • I hope you continue to comment on CL and are active in the forums. You’re a voice people need to hear! I think there are some important reasons why chumps sometimes need to ‘diagnose’ their partners, and it’s not really about dragging a diablgnosis through the mud- for many, it’s about how they need to put the things their spouse did into a ‘and this is why it’s not your fault’ box. Because chumps spend years trying to fix everything, and trying to get used to what the cheaters expectations are and plan for it… and sometimes it needs a box of “this person has a personality disorder so that’s why you can’t actually deal with it” to be enough for them to step away and finally work on them. I honestly don’t know the stats on personality didsorders but I do agree with CL that cheating is at the very least a narcissistic action, and often the bullying and mindfucking abuse that comes with it is disordered. If chumps need to tell themselves that their cheater is mentally ill to get away? I am ok with it. But I definitely understand your concern and also understand that you have done a lot of work to be functional and balanced and healthy. That’s incredible. It gives me hope.

          • Alexandra-I am so glad you posted this. My daughter has BPD and relationships are challenging for her-her fear of abandonment is intense. Cheaters are assholes and self-serving POS who display narcissistic type behavior.

  • X like to abuse substances secretly. Therefore everything out of his mouth is generally a lie or abusive or completely charming.
    “When people go out in England they usually stay out overnight. Ask my sisters!! They do it all the time!”
    “My buddy got hit by a car walking home in the city. I have to go get him at the ER.” (At 10pm-came home at 8am just in time to shower and leave again)
    And then there is the old standby…”I drove a buddy home and had a drink but I know you don’t want me to drink and drive so I stayed there but my ran out of charge and he could find his phone and doesn’t have a home phone.” Sigh.
    “I played pro soccer for Crystal Palace. I was a striker underneath Ian Wright, but I got injured a few years into it and had to quit.”
    “ Yes, I am married but she is my best friend who helped get me a green card. I cannot wait for you to meet her!” (I asked when he asked me out and was surprised at his answer so I asked for divorce papers…they weren’t divorced . Yet. But…he brought me signed divorce papers one week later before our first date so I believed this red flag explanation completely-the biggest issue I had was that he got a green card this way. I kept asking to meet her but he didn’t get around to it until two years later. It was a very strange meeting on my first Mother’s Day, of all days. Turns out, after phone records, that he has been speaking with her the entire marriage even though he told me he stopped communicating with her due to the fact that she was “in love with him” the whole sham marriage. I know it sounds ridiculous written down but I believed this too.)
    “I used to be a junky but after rehab and meeting you, I know I will never touch cocaine again.” (In reality after seeing bank records of his accounts and looking at retirement accounts, he was taking out almost as much as he made in cash and not paying bills for years. He also took out numerous loans from his retirement funds, payday loan places and friends and family that he kept secret.)
    “I would kill myself if you divorced me” (this one may be partially true as I believe he would kill himself if he didn’t have a host. He will always have a host.)

    • Yep, disordered addicts/alcoholics will always find a host, I know from X. One reason they always keep a backup somewhere.

  • Back when we were just dating in college, we got into an argument and he then told me that he was really unhappy at college and I was the only thing keeping him there. If we broke up he would just drop out and move back home. That is where he started making me feel guilty to do what he wanted.

    • At the end, he told me that if he lost his shop because of a divorce, he would just quit or get fired and move back to where he grew up (in other words, I would be on my own not just with the kids but financially too). That time, I called him out on the threat and manipulation. And told him to find somewhere else to live. Only took me 26 years to finally see it.

  • These antibiotics? For prostatitis. (Nope. For an std).
    I’m in bed all the time because I’m tired from my ms. (He has ms. But he was sexting strangers).
    I’m late because I toured a medical marijuana facility (sex with strangers).
    When asking for butt play on his butt I asked if he’s gay (I don’t think so).
    I ask why are you hiding money? “Because you’ll just spend it all, I’m responsible. I’m trying to save.”
    (Meanwhile $6500 spent on hookers. Std tests. Cialis.)

    I don’t call on my lunch break anymore because I’m napping in my car due to ms fatigue (was having sex with strangers)

    Ms was the perfect cover. Mood swings. In bed all the time.

    Dday was “I’m being extorted by a transgender prostitute” as I stood naked in a towel asking him if he was cheating because I developed herpes sores

  • The most outrageous lie he ever told?

    Sorry but that would be that he loved me and was my best friend. That has been the hardest lie to accept.

    But really, there are so many. Probably the one about his circus clown landlord who he made me believe was someone else. When he was suddenly hospitalized for an infection she was the one who drove him to the hospital and stayed with him. His Mother knew her real name and we argued about it me thinking she clearly had the name wrong. No, she had it right. Why lie about the landlord’s name? To protect her from me, he said.

    Unbelievable. You move out to the circus clown’s cottage to get your mind straight with AA and the sober life and the circus clown who runs the local AA group enables you to cheat on your wife, abandon your family and even begin to go to church every Sunday with her as her prize.

    Prize? I think not.

    • Jodi Lynch, telling us they love us, that we’re their best friends, building our trust, is the biggest lie.
      We loved them and were led to believe they loved us just as much. They’re incapable of loving anyone or having empathy. Clearly he doesn’t have a conscious.

      Read Martha’s post above, she offers some great advice.
      Your X sounds like a creep and I’m glad you’re away from him.
      He does sound like a “prize” a booby prize, and my guess is they deserve each other.

    • Just found out tonight that he broke his five year sobriety. I rang to say goodnight to the kids, they stay at his once a week. His phone rang out and went to v mail as he was at an AA meeting, kids sat at his house while he was out, they are 10 and 13. It dawned on me whilst lying here thinking about it that in the last few months I have drawn firm boundaries and been pretty damn good at NC. He doesn’t have anyone to vent his self hatred on. He has no one to emotional abuse and guilt trip as I have drawn up the draw bridge and I think, please tell me if this sounds rubbish he has turned it on himself?

      • For now, this may be true. But he will find someone else to do those things for him. My ex did the same, and it lasted for a few months.

        Being at an AA meeting is better than leaving the kids to drink at a bar.

      • Lady B, find out whether he can leave kids that age alone, in your jurisdiction. Or at least offer to have the kids when he has meetings. And let the kids know to NEVER get in a car with him if he has been drinking, they should call you right away!

        So scary when someone who has an addiction relapses, and they have time w/the kids.

      • They often find their next AP at AA meetings; that’s what they do. Then there will be TWO dysfunctional people in the relationship. Be careful about the kids when they’re at his place. It’s not unheard of that the two people will relapse into their addictions and you don’t want the kids in contact with that.

        • Hi Karen and Soldering.
          They are ok being left alone as they have had to be independent from an early age.
          My concern is them being in the car with him. When my first born was one he drove around during the day with him in the car and he was drinking, yes, I was at work and it was the start of his bender. His style is to get wiped out for a few days like a bum then come crawling back feeling sorry for himself. I should have called the police on him. So dumb but always tried to help him. It did not happen again but I will talk to my boys about what to look out for and my older son needs to have his phone with him.
          Ex tried to guilt trip about it last night. Honestly the amount of shit and support I gave him when he was drinking was unreal. I’m done, not my circus anymore. I will keep my ear to the ground and have an honest conversation with the kids, they are pretty bright.

        • Yeah, that’s where cheater ex found schmoopie. She was screwing her way through AA trying to find the most solvent guy so she could suck as much money and resources as possible from him. Poor cheater ex, here he thought it was tru luv.

      • Self-loathing I’m sure. I would just be aware of what he says to the kids. When I would no longer participate with Douchebag McGee’s antics, he started triangulating with my daughter. She had to listen to his sad sausage lies; it wasn’t fair to her. Even though cheaters are adults, they don’t play by the same rules as responsible adults and will use whom ever they can to get their narcissistic bucket filled.

        • Yes he is already using them as pawns doing things like refusing to take them at the last minute if we have an argument on the phone and playing the victim and slap talking me to them. I can’t control it just try and be the adult and be honest with my kids. He’s a man child and trying to mold his behaviour is a pointless task. I just need to try and stay ahead of his game. AA partner if it happens will get nothing, he doesn’t know how to support someone emotionally and has no money. He thinks he’s awesome though.

      • Lady B, I would be concerned about him directing his anger towards your children. There’s always someone they’re going to take their anger and self hatred out on.

        He does sound like a man child. Have the honest conversation with your kids. It sounds like they’re probably aware of a lot of his problems already.

        Good luck…,

  • The ex got into the routine of showing up two days later than expected after a weekend at the track riding motorcucles. It was two hours away. The last excuse I ever heard was that, “he was just too tired from riding so hard to drive home.” I now wonder how much thought went into that play on words and him getting smug satification that he really meant he rode his whore hard for the last two days. I looked straight through him like he was an idiot.
    The next time he left for the track was unknowlingly the last time he had a family at home. He picked up his current GF( had her signature on supoenoed docs from the track) and we got the hell out of there.
    He said at one point that he had better not ever come home to an empty house. It was only half empty.

  • Oh the lies cheaters love to tell. My stbx told me he was going to his friend Bills birthday party. A few weeks later I saw his picture on my cousins facebook page at her 50th birthday party. He denied it was him. He ordered a Bluetooth from Amazon. When he opened the box I saw 2. He said it was a mistake and he would send it back. I found out that he bought it for her. I could go on and on.

  • When I discovered yet another sex site email chain between him and some slut. He told me he only went on the site when we were fighting and nothing happened and then he had to keep communicating with her because he was being blackmailed for money if he stopped. That one was a real head scratcher. Makes me laugh now though.

  • My oldest daughter was born with darker skin. I had suspected that my stbxw was having an affair. So I flat out asked her if this child was mine. So she gaslighted me by lying “She must have inherited Native American from my grandfather, or inherited Greek skin color from your grandmother” She would continue that lie for 14 years. As a chump I believed it. Finally I did a DNA test on my daughter. Turned out she wasn’t mine. She had an affair with a Mexican. When I look at my daughters pictures I can see it. I heard later that a lot of people suspected she had a child by another man but never told me. I guess love is blind.

    • Another lie was when I found a secret bank account her explanation was “I read that a lot of women get shafted financially by their husbands so I want my own bank account and money” As a Chump I believed her. It was so she could spend money on the affair without me knowing. She is an accountant, I trusted her financially.

    • I’m sorry for you. I’m happy you got a child out of the mix, because it seems like the one thing people seem to find strength in is that ‘at least I have my kids.’ You’re your daughters father, regardless of the donor. She needs you with a monster like that for a mom.

  • An oldie but a goodie:

    Her: “When we terminated that pregnancy? It was probably his. See what I sacrificed for you? See how much I love you?”

    Me: Aghast, in shock—not because it was his, and not because she had lied, but at what she said after that information. I filed not long after this.

    • Mine fell pregnant twice. One she lost and one she carried to full term. Both were ‘accidents’.

      That’s when I phoned a lawyer.

  • The video of his penis was because he needed to show our possible surrogate mother what she was going to encounter which I didn’t know about and he said to her I love you because how he was not going to love the person that was about to give her body to carry a baby for us.
    Strange and very incoherent argument from my today’s ex-husband.

  • One day I found his pay stub that his company never gives him a paper copy of. He was getting bonuses and sending them to a separate account. A few weeks before I specifically asked about the stubs and the bonus- I was told he doesn’t get either. Upon finding them, I confronted him only to be told that he was hiding the money because he wanted to buy “tools” to repair the house. He didn’t tell me because I would get mad at him. Tools to repair the house? This from the guy who put a bucket under the leak in the roof and never let on that it bothered him.

    • Mine sent me a long, fantastical email detailing all of our many expenditures to explain away the six-figure credit card debt I had recently discovered (like many chumps, I trusted him to manage our money). Expenditures such as, me taking trips to visit colleges with our son, which I paid for in cash out of the personal savings account I opened after I discovered the debt.

      He ended the email with, “I may not be a prudent fiscal manager and good budget keeper but I do not steal money or hide money from my family. I do not cash $1000 plus checks and secret away that money (or spend it on other stuff)–I’ve always used our Savings accounts for pocket cash.That is the truth.” Hm. Until he wrote this, it had never even occurred to me that he might be hiding money or cashing $1000 checks. My forensic accounting during the divorce uncovered financial documents dating back 20+ years showing that of course he’d long been doing both.

      • Oh, and here’s a hilarious lie I set him up for during settlement negotiations, which didn’t help his case with the mediator. “I see here in 2005 that you cashed a check for $5000 but that it didn’t get deposited into any of our other accounts.” He told me that back then the private school our children went to would only accept cash deposits on the next year’s tuition. Do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck? When I asked him to explain the other cashed checks throughout that same year, which also never got deposited into any of our other accounts, I got the stare. He got the credit card debt.

  • They were just running buddies

    (When taking the kids to the pool) she just showed up!! It was such a coincidence!! But our kids love her kids, they had so much fun.

    They weren’t having an affair, she offered him a place to stay after I kicked him out. They fell in love (and started fucking) after I “rendered him homeless”

    I was such a chump that my EIGHT YEAR OLD had to tell me something was up. “She’s too loving to my dad. It’s weird”. Ya, that’s the impression I got too sweetie. (As an adult shouldn’t I have been more on top of it?? Refused to believe the stupid lies that’s ll pointed in the same direction? BEFORE the kids found out??)

    • Triumph- we all have eaten lies when our hearts are hungry. You are not like him and thought he played by the same rules (being faithful, honest, integrity) He sucks. You don’t.

    • We fall in love for real and give them so many benefits of the doubt.

      side note: Cheater Wife had her own little ‘innocent’ pool meetup coincidences with 2011 emo affair Dday#1 partner. Turned out they were calling each other setting them up. I decided to show up to “swim” unannounced. ‘Military Dad’ decided oops we need to leave I forget that we need to uhhhhhhh go do something uhhhhhh that we forgot about uhhhhhh. See ya.

      Me: “Tell your wife in Afghanistan war zone I said hello.”

  • Me upon opening a letter from our health care provider which had his STD results: If you haven’t had sex with anyone, why did you get tested for all these STDs?
    Him: When I was walking around the porn store, I picked up a book. I was scared I got something on my hand.

    I then found out he had asked our pediatrician for the tests when he had taken the kids in for their check ups. One more:

    Me when I found out 3 months after the fact that he had gotten arrested: what do you mean you need money today for a lawyer?
    Him: I went to McDonalds when I left the porn store and ordered a coke. All I did was talk to the prostitute when she asked for money for her meal. I never touched her and I never even looked at her. Can you believe they arrested me?

  • Where to start?
    1-Three months after the wedding, a condom is missing from the bathroom closet, right after Hannibal has gone to a conference.
    Me: “Where did that condom go?”
    Hannibal: “I don’t know. I might have used it to masturbate just to see how it felt.”

    2-In 2006, while at a conference in Mexico, Hannibal calls and asks for a divorce.
    Me: “Is there someone else?”
    Hannibal: “No” [gradwhore had issued an ultimatum to him]

    3-He dumps gradwhore instead, and I don’t find out about their affair for another 8 years, when I find his notes preparing for a sexual harassment hearing (no statute of limitations on sexual harassment at the University).
    Me, in shock, “You fucked around on me?!?”
    Hannibal: “No, it was just kissing.” [cough, bullshit, cough]

    4-Two days before the divorce is final, a friend tells me that he took gradwhore to Mexico with him. I remember how flat his voice was when he asked for a divorce, and twig.
    Me: “Was she in the room with you when you called to ask me for a divorce 8 years ago? Tell the truth!”
    Hannibal: [loooooooooong pause] “No”
    Me (screaming): “Liar!! I trusted you!! Why don’t you just die?”
    Hannibal (shocked), “Tempest, listen to how you’re talking to me!”

    • “It’s not my decade of cheating on you by sexually abusing my students that’s the problem. The problem is that you’re yelling at me.”

  • While i was in investigator mode – i found all these calls and texts to one number. When asked who this person is – he said it was the person he gets drugs from cause he likes to get high sometimes. This guy never did drugs. Lmao. I told him to call and place an order – ofcourse fuckhead couldn’t. Looking back it was hilarious.

  • This one is easy for me. On Dday, when I found texts between my then pregnant wife and her dentist, about how he might be the father of her child, she denied having sex with the dentist. She claimed she had him fooled that she was pregnant by him, even though they had never had intercourse.

    Really? A grown man with his own children, a medical professional, he doesn’t understand how babies are made? Really?

  • When he was flirting with and courting Schmoopie right in front of me when I was 6 months pregnant:

    (holding my hand and looking me in the eye) “I’m not interested in her. You’re my lady, and you play second-fiddle to no one.”

    That was the second day of a 6-month affair.

  • “We NEED to text at night. He’s on the late security shift, and he has to coordinate with me when things come up.”

    • Actually, a much better one was, “He has a son with his EX girlfriend.”

      But I didn’t know that was a lie until two years later.

      • That was a whopper, though I’m not sure if it was her lie or his. Once she found out, though, it didn’t really matter because she chose the road of complicity rather than integrity.

  • My husband was out on Bond for a felony drug charge. The FEDs put him into a drug rehab. He tested positive for drugs 53 days straight. I questioned that. He replied, “I did so many drugs it is accumulated in all my body parts now.” He was thin and only went at about 150 pounds on a heavy day. He won the prize in Federal Court. They were amazed he tested positive for so many days straight. Go to Jail, Go directly to jail, Do not pass Go.

  • So many ridiculous whoppers, which are hard to share because they make me look like a complete moron – but in my defence, he turned lying into an art form and could fake sincerity so well it brings a chill to my bones to remember. “I took her back to the office at 2am because it was just up the road from the bar, and she was really drunk and needed a glass of water and somewhere to lie down. Just letting you know, just in case it comes up – security at work are making out like it was something sinister, you know?”

  • “I’m attracted to you” – non stop porn obsession gawking at women who are the polar opposite of me. Walked home from work to catch him mid-stroke to “yogapantspussy” which caused the last blowup.

    “You’re enough for me, you fulfill me!” – pay no mind to the female coworker i interact with on a daily basis. I don’t have conversations. I know nothing about her….proceeds to drop tidbits of personal info about her and her life.

  • Picked up our landline extension once and he was on there, listening to a woman talking about giving a blow job. He said it was a wrong number.

      • Knitted, thanks for posting this. I was getting horribly depressed reading about all these awful people, and your comment gave me my first laugh. This lie is so, so preposterous that it shook me out of my funk.

  • My ex told me that he had won a $150 margarita machine as a door prize at a regional meeting for his new company. Sort of made sense—maybe a vendor wanted to have some sort of fun perk for the sales advisors. We had a great time making frozen drinks & slushees for our 9 year old, who loved it. He talked about taking it to my parents for Thanksgiving & we could all have margaritas while we watched football that weekend.

    It was a gift from his main girlfriend, Sunny Delight (the one he was going to marry, not the one he was cheating on her with or any of the women he was trying to hook up with on the side).

    What a ego trip that must have been to have his whole chumpy family enjoying a gift from SD! What kibbles (or would it be cake?)to see it every day on the kitchen counter! Why was I such a bitch that I didn’t want our daughter to drink infidelity slushees?

    Oh, other good lie was that whole business meeting overnight next Tuesday, was actually a 2-star motel in Arkansas. Seeing their text convo about whether to spend the extra $40 for a jacuzzi tub was a little sad. I wanted to tell SD that if she was going to cheat on her husband with a married man, she should hold out for one who could spring for the Peabody at least. Of course, since I kicked him out on Friday, he was unexpectedly free that week.

    • Wow, Tbone, your cheater was really wicked. Having her present in your Kitchen! A most sacred place in a home. He is evil.

  • “I fell asleep in a hotel lobby and shit myself, that’s why I didn’t tell you where I was”

    The truth?

    “I was fucking prostitutes”

    • So he shits himself in a hotel lobby and this happens while asleep. And did not see a neurologist after such catastrophic symptoms? And You believed this? You Win!

    • I’m sorry but I can’t stop laughing! If that was a believable option as an alternative excuse then you definitely do win!

    • Itdoesn’tchange, I’m laughing too! Sorry. That is so self deprecating (decimating) that he’d even admit to shitting himself ! There was nothing better he could think to say????!

    • Lady B, I would be concerned about him directing his anger towards your children. There’s always someone they’re going to take their anger and self hatred out on.

      He does sound like a man child. Have the honest conversation with your kids. It sounds like they’re probably aware of a lot of his problems already.

      Good luck…,

  • 2015 found out Cheater Wife was communicating with her exboyfriend through Facebook. (note: this exboyfriend has a position which could lead to him being my boss, so over the years I have had to worry about this happening- so this guy has been on my radar). I ask her why she’s doing this (for all the obvious reasons) but also because at the beginning of our relationship she told me that exboyfriend was emotionally and physically abusive to her and had friends that she suspected of being pedophiles . She flat out denied that she ever said any of this. I’m like whaaaaat??? So she was either lying to me 17 years ago or she was lying to me then. Either way I felt like I was with a total sociopath (who I had already gone through an emotional affair Dday with in 2011). She claimed she was only Facebook friends with him because she wanted to see pictures of his wife and family and that she hadn’t directly communicated with him (a lie- I looked over and saw her text him in the middle of daughter’s game- although I couldn’t see the message itself). She of course deleted. Two years later of course full affair with some other guy- massage boy.

    Dishonesty is the disordered’s natural state of mind and inclination.

    • As I have said before…. we were married to the same woman! Facebook reconnect with exbf then full on sex with younger guy!

  • I was 6 months pregnant with our firstborn (20 years ago). Long story short, he was getting ready to go out with some friends and I was going to go visit my mom overnight. I had NO reason at this point to not trust him.

    I had a very strange dream at my mom’s that prompted me to leave early and go home the next morning. In this dream, he & his ex high school girlfriend were standing in our living room laughing & pointing at me. I had never met her…only seen her in pictures.

    I get home and he is still in bed. I went to wash a load of laundry & noticed the shirt he had put on the night before had been washed & was still in the washer. HE NEVER DID ANY LAUNDRY…EVER, SO I’M THINKING WTF??

    When he woke up & I asked him why he’d washed his shirt. His reply was that he had spilled beer on it & didn’t want it ruining a good shirt. What, you can think of doing laundry while your drunk but not while your sober??

    I think it was two days later that I found out that he’d been seeing his ex girlfriend (the one in my dream) behind my back.

    *Sigh*…oh the coulda, shoulda, wouldas I’m thinking about right now…

    • I had a dream for years that my husband was with some shady woman. I couldn’t really see her.

      After he finally admired that he had slept with a prostitute, I never had that dream again. It plagued me for eight years.

      One time I had this feeling that I needed to go home “RIGHT NOW.” So I did. I caught him…. ugh. I can’t even say it in text here yet.

      Let’s just say trust your gut.

  • After DDay, I asked how he met her. He told me in line at Chipotle. That it was a long line on a Friday and they got to talking. They were both getting their orders to go. He said she got her food and left. And when he left with his food, she was outside waiting for him and gave him her number and he called it a few days later. He also said she was just someone he talked to and only kissed a few times and never romantically because they were in a public park.

    The truth….he had been responding to ads posted by women on Craigslist. Then he started posting his own ads on Craigslist seeking sex and an affair. She responded to his ad. The public park and lunch had some truth…they’d meet up in a public park to have sex in his vehicle on his lunch hour.

    Almost 6 months out from DDay. Divorce was final 5 weeks ago today. Sale of the marital house and purchase of my own house happens this coming Monday. Was married 20 years. He moved out a month after DDay and I filed for divorce. He moved his Craigslist find in with him. He says he plans to marry her. I thought he was my best friend. It’s been really rough, but Chump Lady, Chump Nation, my parents, my sister, and friends have helped me through! It’ll take time, but I’m on my way to meh!!! And ‘no contact’ is spectacular advice. I have 2 kids but only discuss the bare minimum with him.

    • OnMyWay, you’re doing great! You deserve someone who will treat you well and be TRUTHFUL with you! Glad the No Contact is helping! I too found it made a huge difference.

  • On our first date I asked him why his last marriage ended. He got teary-eyed and told me that his ex had a 5 year affair with his best friend.
    I felt SO terrible for him. Come to find out…it was he that had a 5 year affair with her best friend…whom he also cheated on me with. And he cheated on his first wife with wife number 2.

    • Ummm–my head is swimming in circles! How did he keep them straight? How can YOU keep it straight?!

  • My ex, henceforth known as Captain America for several absurd and eye-rolling reasons, insisted that he and OW (a longtime close friend of mine and wife of one of his best friends) spent dozens of entire nights awake talking on the phone and in person about our respective marriages and how to make them better.

    • Same here. After dday When I saw the phone log with thousands of calls I got…I’m talking to her because she is the only one who understands what I’m going through because she’s going through it to… she was also married. Wtf

      • Ditto! “I just needed someone to talk to because I never got over your (fictitious) affair from 15 years ago.” I suggested we go to marriage counseling. Apparently he wanted to go 15 years ago and I didn’t (don’t recall that conversation), so because I wouldn’t go 15 years ago – we don’t need to go now. He’d rather just “TEXT” an apparent marriage professional about all his problems and what a horrible wife I was.

        • In a post D-Day discussion before I eventually went NC, I expressed incredulity that Cheater had, as he claimed, been unhappy in our relationship the entire 16 years we were together and he said:
          “Oh, please! Dozens of times I begged you to go to counseling, WisedUp! And every single time you refused!”
          Since this never actually happened, I said so and he replied,
          “Oh come now, WisedUp! We BOTH KNOW that as you are getting older you are developing memory problems!”
          Classic gaslighting at its best.

          • Liar liar pants on fire, what a coward.
            Like dude, this is my life, I know what I have done and what I have refused, I am well aware
            My cheater went to Alghanistan for 4 months to work in a base clinic. When he returned, my sister and I put yellow ribbons on the trees down the road to greet him.
            4 years later in counseling in a ridiculous, ridiculous, ridiculous waste of time trying to respond to his “I thought you didn’t love me” ……. I reminded him of some of these lovely things we all had done, in addition to taking care of his son during that time.
            He didn’t remember that, “probably PTSD from working in a clinic for 4 months”(no battle time)
            “Oh, maybe that’s why I cheated, yeah PTSD”
            Good try.
            I walked out of counseling that night. I was done.

    • Ah yes, the old, “She’s the only one I can talk to.” I could never get over the fact that I–the wife of 30 years–was apparently someone he COULDN’T talk to.

      I really think it was “She’s the only one I can bitch about you to, who will also give me blow jobs.”

  • He said he was going on a 4 day camp to help disabled people surf. He is a care worker and had done this the year before. Found out a year later he was at a luxury apartment about 2 kms from our home near the beach with Tinkerbell who had flown in from Singapore. Only found out because my desk top was trying to pick up the hotels wifi. Truly mind blowing as he peddled her around the small town we live in. I’m sure if he saw someone we knew he would have told them she was his sister and got his jollies. Fucking a hole!

  • He said it only happened once. When I asked him what happened to all the OTHER Viagra pills, he said he gave them all away to his friends….Ya,….riiight.

    • Ah the missing ED pills – mine said he got them for his ‘friends’ because they were too ashamed to go to the local pharmacy and get them.

    • I got that one too about the Viagra pills!

      My ex-cheater must have had a lot of “friends” because after he died, the contents of his office contained multiple empty-Viagra prescription bottles-

      And none of that was used with me

  • I just can’t trust you emotionally, you were supportive and a shoulder to cry on after our miscarriages but you just don’t understand how I feel.

    Told repeatedly many times whenever I sensed her being distant or “weird”. SHE couldn’t trust ME, Projection at 100ftx100ft 8k resolution.

  • Ah, same old cliched lies and betrayal in my life too – but nowadays I have some very favourite lies from my stbx. I keep them close, just in case I ever feel the slightest bit of kindness towards him.
    I do like the ones I found in the e-mails he sent to the OW before D-Day, detailing his success in business, his past, all the things he had done and was doing … all total bullshit. He’s lied to her from the start and she doesn’t even know it.
    I quite like the lies that he still tells me and the children about where he is (e.g. at work) when quite often (because I’m still involved with the business a little) I know that he isn’t. The OW only really works for him as a secret, sneak-around thing, you see (she’s just a bit inadequate).
    The best one of all is from when I tripped over a dating profile he’d put up several months after D-Day. The new relationship with the OW was supposedly in full swing, proper honeymoon level. However, in the profile he says he’s single and this means he’ll have lots of time to lavish on a prospective partner, that he’s looking for the passion that’s missing in his life. She would turn herself inside out if she saw that – it’s the same line he used on her….
    And I even like the ones I don’t even know about. I’m so certain he’s still lying to her, still trawling dating websites, communicating and quite possibly seeing (fucking) other people. Makes me quite cheerful.
    They lie because they’re lying liars who lie. They did it to us and they’ll do it to the next one, and their accountant and their clients and any friends they have left and the lad in the garage and the old dear in the shop and the milkman and just anyone. Now we know. Better off gone.

  • Sparkledick would tell me about all the business trips he took with “my team”. After one of these trips he actually got me to help him retrieve a “team member”‘s lost luggage, checked in under sparkledick’s name because she had exceeded her allowance of two 32 kg bags. Now that is A LOT of shopping for someone who is supposed to be working. Talking of an avalanche of spackle, chump here did not add up time for work versus time for shopping (because in the evening there was no time for shopping, of course they were busy fucking).

    Now my chump dad’s outrageous lie would be to have raised a daughter who stuck out from his other four children like a corn cob in a pile of coffee beans. My mother was a master manipulator. My dad, a master spackler.

  • Oh there were so many!!! We had just been out of town for the weekend for a wedding. We got home and he didn’t even come inside and see our kids. He said he was going for a motorcycle ride.
    ME: Really? You aren’t coming in to see the girls?
    HIM: I need to unwind.
    ME: You just rode in a car for four hours and you want to go ride some more??
    HIM: Is it a problem for you if this is how I unwind?
    He really just needed to be able to call his AP since he was stuck with me all weekend and didn’t have any alone time for a conversation.

    On my way to work I stopped at husband’s business to drop off some money that we had borrowed from the business the previous weekend for a dog we purchased. He wasn’t there. I knew about his affair at this point (tho he had promised me he had stopped seeing her) so I called him and asked if he was at his office. He said yes! LIE!
    ME: I am sitting here now and you are not here?
    HIM: Well I had to stop at the lawnmower place to pickup parts.
    ME: Well why did you say you were at the office then?
    HIM: I didn’t want (his business partner) to know where I was.
    ME: HUH?????? He’s not on the phone with you……I am!!!!
    Not that I know for sure but I am guessing that he was with the OW.

    God…..he wasn’t even a GOOD liar!!!!!

    • OMG! Your story just reminded me of the time, as I was sitting in my breakfast room, POP called and asked me if I wanted him “to prepare the tilapia that you left out to thaw”.
      “What tilapia?”
      “The tilapia you left next to the sink, baby”.
      “Where are you?”
      “In the kitchen, baby. Where to you think I am?” (Yep, he actually said that)

      Blah blah……he suddenly meant he was at the grocery store, standing at the fish department and did I want him to buy some tilapia for dinner.

      We all know where he really was.

      I’d feel stupid if this ‘fish story’ wasn’t so funny….

  • Right after Dday, Ex was going on and on about this fabulous guy she JUST met. She knew that I knew about OM1 who had just dumped her but she didn’t know that I knew about OM2 and OM3 (this guy) and they had been seeing each other for 6 months not just met.
    She said that he was studying to be a Preacher and was administering to her spiritual needs in this difficult time of her husband (me) cruelly abandoning her.
    My response was that she met him 6 months before and based on her sexts with him, he was administering to more than her soul (dummy didn’t realize that AIM had a logging function that was ON). After all, he IS her Panda Bear (yech her pet nickname for him).
    She called me every name in the book and now Panda Bear who “she just met” is married to her.

  • I honestly have no idea how that pair of panties (that aren’t yours) got shoved into the back of a drawer in the guest bathroom. It’s a complete mystery!

    • Yep. Panties. ‘Those were in a rental backpack that got returned.’ … maintains to this day that these PARTICULAR panties were not from an affair, they were in a backpack that had been rented from his job.

      Sir, I’m a woman. No bitch, no matter how novice wears polyester non breathable thongs to go backpacking- and even if they were that dumb (hello infection and or chaffing from lace) they would smell horrific. This was normal everyday slut juice worn underpants. Not ‘I’m an idiot and went hiking in super inappropriate underpants’ skeazy sweaty skiddy underpants. Also- if you did find worn underpants in a returned backpack, wouldn’t you have a laugh and throw them out? Why the fuck would you bring them home? Oh. Right. You’re a lecher.

      • I found panties and a bra in the basement behind the couch as I was cleaning up after our daughter had a bunch of friends stay overnight after prom. I said, “Ask your friends which one of them this belongs to and get it back to them ok?” Took picture, sent it to her friends. None of them claimed. Chilling. Not really a lie in line with today’s theme but. Still.

        • Ok one more.
          Him: I want to join a gym so that is something I can do with our teenager.
          Me: OK
          Him: spends thousands on gym membership.
          Me: OK
          Me: Can I join the gym and come along with you guys?
          Him: No. this is something for just us.
          Me: OK
          One day, him: I have to get to bed early, I’m going to the gym tomorrow.
          Daughter: Can I go along?
          Him: No

        • I think withholding and allowing you to assume it’s your kids friends… totally counts as a lie

  • One of sparkledick’s brothers actually said the exact same words to his chump as the guy in Tracy’s cartoon. Sparkledick has seven brothers, ALL of them are cheaters and self-interested opportunists in one or more ways.

  • After I found the texting exchange between him and a Tumblr porn star/local escort, with plenty of “loves” and “babies” being bandied about:

    First lie: “She’s a lobbyist I met on the Hill…”
    Second lie: “That’s just the way she talks to everybody.”
    Third lie: “I was just getting her some weed…”
    Fourth lie: “No, she has never been to our house…”
    Fifth lie: “Of course I didn’t fuck her…”

    Then, after I stupidly, STUPIDLY decided to forgive and forge ahead:

    “I got laid off from my job – it was me and ‘Sarah’…”

    After I found out “Sarah” was still employed and had not only NOT been laid off, but promoted to VP:

    “Why are you even looking at their website? She must’ve played the woman card and cried discrimination to keep her job…” (Asshole)

    Turns out he quit his job because he was about to be put on a performance plan – I think that’s a lie too. He only came “clean” after I found hundreds of videos of him taping women at work, on the train, out at brunch with us, at my daughter’s school, on escalators up their skirts – doing this shit for years. I suspect this “performance plan” was really them catching him in the act and calling him out on it and he got fired. I honestly don’t know what to believe – but I know I can’t believe HIM anymore!

    • “Have you looked at her? Why on earth would I fuck something so ugly and dumb? I can have hedge fund managers, lawyers – you think if I’m going to cheat I’ll fuck an employee? I grow employees, I get satisfaction from watching them improve when I help them. What the hell is wrong with you? You need to talk to s doctor about medication. Staying at home gives you way to much time to make shit up in your head. You’re losing your mind.”

      Apparently dumb and ugly was the only one who’d fuck him.

  • Found a call from a prostitute at 3am while he was away for a convention. He said his buddy thought it would be funny to play a prank on him by ordering him a prostitute.
    “How did they unlock your phone with your thumb print without you knowing?”
    “Oh they sent a message to her on some site backpage or something”
    5 min later….
    “I went to the site and you cannot send a message through the website.”
    “Oh I left my phone on the bar”
    “Your phone locks in 1 minute. So they were able to time it perfectly before it locked, steal your phone without you seeing, AND send a text?”
    “Yeah that’s what happened. I answered the phone but I couldn’t understand so i hung up. They were cracking up. It was just a joke. I’m a good looking guy it’s insulting that you think i would have to pay for sex”

    Seems like this is a lie.

    • After I saw the many many text messages between them he told me that actually I was the one who hacked both their phones and set him up so I would have a good reason to dump him. When I told him that not only was that the stupidest thing I’d ever heard but technically impossible, he said he couldn’t discuss anymore because I was unreasonable.

  • “I’m going fishing with Dave after work.”

    “I’m going to watch the game at Dave’s after work.”

    “I had too much to drink at Dave’s, and he let me sleep it off on his couch. Dave’s a good friend. You don’t want me to get another DWI, do you?”

    I heard the last one at least three times a week, for about the last three years of the marriage, before separating. Snakeface would come home at 5:00 or 6:00 am and feed me this before going to sleep for a couple of hours before going to work.

  • It seems highly likely, in retrospect, that I know about only a small fraction of the lies he told me during our 20 years together. I was never suspicious (aka gullible/naive) so those that I did find out about were purely by chance. Even when things didn’t add up, I either dismissed things myself or swallowed whatever spin he told, it was usually too mindfucking to do otherwise anyway. In addition, a great deals of his lies were lies of omission, deliberately hiding things from me, which are also harder to pin down or challenge.
    There was a lot of financial dodginess, vagueness, telling me one thing then another (and another in front of others) that I mostly just let go. The standout lie with regard to finances that I am aware of is his purchasing a $300k car behind my back. He went through cars (expensive ones) like toilet paper (and he used a lot of that too!). He was often vague about prices/resales (and I learned not to ask) and I know lied about a number of these transactions. The “piece de resistance”, however, was the $300k one. Basically he had bought a black Porsche some time in 2014 (probably around $100k) but then sold this and bought a different black Porsche in April 2015. It had different coloured wheels but I thought he had just changed them (as he had done with previous cars). In December 2015 the man who came to valet his cars asked me what I thought of the “new” car. I replied it wasn’t new but he pointed out that it also had a different coloured engine and then I realised he had changed it. Only found out the cost of it about 2 months later when he got into a dispute with someone he was then selling it to (that cost him $15k in legal fees and he lost – also lied about that but it showed up on statements which I actually looked at). He then wrote me an “apology” letter, talking about how sad it made him to have to go behind my back due to my contempt for his hobby! Poor baby.
    Tip of the iceberg, I am very sure – and I did see him lie to other people too. He is very clever though – a true wolf in sheep’s clothing. So innocent seeming, you would never suspect. Not long before he left he did say to me “sometimes I wonder if I am a psychopath, I lie so easily”. Of course, I jumped in telling him what a ridiculous idea that was (we are both qualified to assess this BTW – just not so easy to spot it under your nose). I wonder if it was a rare moment of vulnerability/conciense or if he was testing me to see if I was onto him.
    I don’t know if it is a lie – probably could have done more to find out, but really it makes no difference but he claims to have met OWife online the day he told me he was leaving (he did sign up for a subscription of online dating the same day which was on bank statement – classy!, or maybe it was just to cover his tracks). Besides from introducing her to our children 3 weeks later (he lied about how this happened too) he took her back to home country for a month to meet his parents 6 weeks after leaving, for a month (hadn’t been on holiday with us anywhere for over 3 years), then married her 5 months after leaving (we were together 20 years, never married) so chances of lying there seem quite likely.
    He is a pathological liar. All the more reason for minimal contact as anything he says (even if not abusive) is worth jack shit. Best to assume whatever he says is a lie, or a distortion of the truth – a great deal of the time it is.

  • The worst lie the Worm told me was that he just had to get out of the house because our son, who shortly after went to rehab, upset him. So he would walk out and text hours later saying he was at “Ted’s house” and was spending the night.
    He verbally abused both of our children and the oldest turned to drugs. So I was left alone to deal with our son while the Worm ran around with Pookie.
    But hey, he made a lot of money and never let me down financially so why would I complain?
    My lowest point was shortly after D-Day, driving 3 hours with Worm to visit our son for family counseling in drug rehab I cried all the way. Two hours went by. The Worm decided he’d had enough, turned to me with the dead eyed state and told my how “fucking selfish” I was….
    The divorce will be final in 3 weeks!!!!????????????

  • Found a message on his phone that said… what u doing sweetie, want a visit. This was sent after he said to me he was just going to visit his sister for the night. I confronted him about it… I was just going to pick up a gate.

  • My ex told me he didn’t wear a wedding ring because women who cheat think men who wore them were okay with affairs because they wouldn’t want anything long term.

    He was also out all night during our annual small town wing ding. When I went looking for him at 5 a.m., literally looking in alleys and the bar (he and the bar owner were friends and he said he would stay after hours when the doors were locked and shoot the bull, which I knew was true, because I’d also done it) And all my texts went unanswered, I finally saw him walking home from the west side of town ( we lived on the east side) when I asked him where he’d been, he said he went to a house party after the bars closed to continue a game of beer pong with kids the age of our kids…. only the kid whose house he said he was at, lived 11 miles east of town… and he gave me some lame ass excuse that they had dropped him off on that side of town for some reason that I don’t remember. That was probably 5 years ago and it didn’t dawn on me until last summer that he’d actually had a one night stand… or maybe not. But he was not playing beer pong.

  • While high on hopium, I agreed to a relocation 7 States away. Figured the distance between he and schmoopie would help.

    He moved schmoopie here, 15 minutes away. I found their plans and correspondence. When confronted he claimed he had ‘no idea’ and ‘no control over what another person does’

    Any way that I can get my years back so that I can slap the younger me that married this freak show?

    • I was also tricked into a cross country move, while he also moved his old friend/former coworker/secret AP and the AP’s family from another part of the country. Now we are all stuck in the same town for at least the next couple of years due to family court orders. The AP and the AP’s wife are totally Team Cheater. The AP’s wife would never believe me if I told her, and I lack proof beyond my own words. She has been cruel to me, too, so MEH! Not my problem.

  • Like others above have said, there are so many lies, it is difficult to choose.
    Here is one of the most bizarre :

    WH had a 10 mo. EA/PA with a coworker Slunt and continued to see her after Dday (when I kicked him out of the house.)
    I got told “We only had sex once.”
    (meanwhile, I found a box of condoms–which we did not use– in the trunk of his car with several missing—-he claimed that “he gave those missing ones to her to keep at her house for when he came over in the future”.)
    Studley Do-right did say that on other occasions (before they actually had sex), when they were alone at her house together, “OW wanted to have sex, and they were ‘making out’, but he was a gentleman & didn’t go all the way.”

  • Setting: Thursday night, a New Years Eve gala that **I** paid all expenses for (as I did for ALL things related to living and he was living in LUXURY). Both dressed to the nines, dining and dancing–literally the bells of the ball. I swear I was having more fun than at my wedding reception 26 yes before–it was magical, feeling completely in love and loved by POP (Predatory Opportunistic Predator–first ‘boyfriend’ after my very traumatic divorce).

    Soon after the stroke of midnight, I excused myself to go to ladies room. He kissed me with a ‘Don’t be long, baby. I’ll miss you; I can’t wait to hold you in my arms while we dance again.”

    The instant I returned he said he’d just been called by his good friend’s wife that friend had been in car accident and she requested POP to come to their home to watch the kids for her while she went to hospital’. I was immediately suspicious.
    He rushed me back home, refusing to change out of his tuxedo. “You’re going to watch the kids in your tux???!!!”
    He drove off in my Mercedes taking nothing with him.

    Suffice it to say he went MIA. Answered no calls or texts for 2 days. Third one day he calls and tells me has taken the kids to the movies—how did he carry 2 kids in a tiny 2 seat convertible (and where did he get the money to do so)? Indeed it did sound like he was a theater from background noise. Has no idea when he will be able to return ‘home’; his friend is in the ICU.
    That evening on a phone call, I hear a woman talking in background. I inquire who it is. Freaked out, he says ‘the Mother is talking to the kids’ and before I can get any info, he’s off the phone. He refuses to answer phone after that.

    Monday morning he shows up around 8 am. By that time there was no question what had gone on.
    He and his perennial whore had this entire scheme planned down to the second. The chime of midnight was my time’s up and he was to go to her and remain for the long weekend and leave when she had to go to work on Monday. (Eventually this was confirmed TO ME by the whore).

    As it turns out, the ‘injured’ friend is also friends with my insurance agent. Actually all 3 of them were acquainted. I inquired about friend’s recovery and agent told me he’d never been in an accident (which of course I knew). I then told him what had occurred. He spread the word to ‘friend’ who was livid that POP would do something so shameful in his name.

    To this day, both men refuse to ever have anything to do with him. As do I but it took a while to get off the hopium pipe and throw his ass out. He went from my 7 figure home immediately to a homeless shelter—those two friends? They were not willing to help him one bit, nor was his family. Everyone is sick and tired of his lifelong hideous behavior.

    There were many, many audacious lies but this one squeaks with first place.

    • squeaks **into** first place.

      I forgot to mention– he returned wearing shorts, a tee shirt, socks and gym shoes. And he had a (familiar) gym bag with him. He told me he was wearing some of friend’s clothes. No he wasn’t.

      These guys think we are stupid. They’re the stupid ones.

  • When she confessed to me that she was in love with someone else she assured me that she had never met up with him in person.

    Not sure how you fall so “deeply” in love with someone when you’ve never even met them but ol’ chumpy me bought it hook, line, and sinker.

    Good God I was such an idiot. How embarrassing.

    • That’s the thing…. feeling soooo stupid. Who in the hell believes their 40+ old husband is playing beer pong at a House party of a 20 year old?

      Me! Duh!

  • Like everyone else I could write a book on her lies. But this one is my absolute fave.

    On my sons 10th birthday we took him and a friend to a theme park. We were only there for around 10 minutes when she announced she needed to go shopping.

    Chump here never thought anything of it. She was gone the whole day only returning when the park was about to close. With groceries mind you.

    It wasn’t till long after DDay I twigged we got all our groceries delivered each week.

    Yip, rather than be with her son on his 10th birthday she was fucking her man slut.

    Now that’s low.

    • Mine told me he’d been fucking someone else on our daughters 8th birthday. We’d just ended the evening with extended Family and a lasagna with all the trimmings dinner and a scrumptious chocolate cake. I was in the kitchen finishing up a batch of salsa and cleaning up when he dropped the bomb.

      Our new 8 year old wasn’t even asleep yet.

        • Oh… and imagine her standing in the doorway of her bedroom asking in a tiny, sad little voice, “Are you leaving, Daddy?” And his telling her he wasn’t.

          That was August 28. By September 18, he was moving out.

  • His shrink wanted him to go rent a house, alone, in the California desert to contemplate his life and choices.

    He texted me about all the hassles getting the keys from the owner, how Beautiful the drive was, the restful solitude, the soothing colors of the desert sunrises…

    He called home every night, and was at peace.

    Because he wasn’t really in the California desert, he was two thousand miles away in Atlanta with his married Ashley Madison lover, wining and dining as she attended a work conference.

    All of which I discovered when he left his phone in the home office when he showered a few days after he returned… it usually never left his hand.

    I’d discovered his password and used it to find all his messages to Schmoopie before, during, and after their romantic getaway. I used my phone to take photos of each screen full of pain, which was important because he was gaslighting me so much he would have insisted I was hallucinating.

    I was not hallucinating: it was all horribly real. Even his suave texted marriage proposal to her as he ‘couldn’t sleep’ the night he finally got home from his desert solitude in Atlanta with his lover.

    Gawd, it’s amazing what you tuck away in a dark drawer of your heart years after betrayal.

  • The consultation charge with the vasectomy doctor on the MasterCard? The one he had at Easter when he decided last minute not to come on our family vacation? “Oh yeah I figured it was time after 14 years of you asking me to get one..”. The fact that he hadn’t had sex with me for 2 years despite me asking? Begging really? Well the ED was because he was scared I would get pregnant. (Ow had his cousin’s baby 2 weeks earlier – he was under orders from her) well the DNA test says its the cousin’s.

    • Ah yes, the old “vasectomy out of the blue.” My ex suddenly decided to have a vasectomy 10 years after our youngest child was born, when I was 46 and had long since given up asking him to get one. He said he was doing it “for me.”

      As it turned out, he’d just been forced to take a paternity test and sued for child support, all without me having a clue. Many years later when I finally put two and two together, I figured out that he got the vasectomy because 1) he had no intention of being faithful to me, 2) he had no intention of ever using a condom, and 3) he had no intention of ever being sued for child support again!

  • “There is NOTHING going on with the 25YO co-worker that I:

    talked about and texted in front of my adult daughters for months,

    stole back the the love story trilogy books that I had given my wife 20 years ago so I could give it to her,

    flew my cat 20 hours across the world to the European city where she lives to give it to her, and

    now permanently moved himself to that European city.

    NOTHING is going on.”

    It is incredible that he keeps spouting this lie, right through the night before he boarded the plane to Europe he was practically pounding the table insisting that there was nothing going on with this twat that he had clearly dumped me for and was blowing up his whole life to be with. The fact she is our daughter’s age bothers him not one little bit.

    • What!!? He took your cat? That’s just bizarre and weird and I just don’t know what to say. There needs to be an equivalent to a leper colony where we can send these disordered waste of air narcs. Keep them from infecting the rest of the population.

      • Yes! He rescued 2 cats from terrible conditions in the Middle East while working there. Such a GREAT GUY to have a tender spot for these innocent little fur babies, right? Right? RIGHT?

        He love bombed the cats, then devalued them, and discarded them. I have one of them (small miracle, that) and the other was given to this complete stranger who of course means Nothing At All. After our youngest daughter took care of that cat all last summer while he worked away at a construction site he didn’t give the cat to her, he gave it to Schmoops Who Means Nothing At All. When he was home at all he ignored the little thing entirely, her litter box was disgusting and he let her catch fleas by constantly putting her outside. Daughter had to do the decontamination treatments (of course).

        On that topic, not long ago I was cleaning out e-mails and saw a very long, detailed instruction guide he sent, with links and maps included, on how to successfully export a cat from the ME country back to the United States. It was all rah-rah and gushing and self-congratulatory for him on how he figured it out and what you needed to do. It was addressed to co-workers and ended with a statement about how “gratifying” it is to see these poor creatures thrive back in the States after living in such horrid conditions abroad. So rewarding!

        And yet once they got here he ignored them like he ignores everyone, and ended up giving one of these cats that his real family fell in love with to a Complete Stranger Who Just Happens to Live in the European Country to Which He Moved.

        Despite him creating this uber-detailed instruction guide for other people, I was never allowed to even see his itineraries for travel to such far flung places, but rather was instructed at what time I shall arrive to pick him up from the airport after months away. He could travel a number of different ways through many countries on many airlines but that was none of my business, I am not the boss of him.

        Pick me up at the airport at the appointed hour, you fucking Controlling and Judgmental Wife Appliance.

        As Luz says, I guess I needed to work on my Iron Grip.

  • Yup, I actually fell for the lesbian story. How dumb can a chump be? Very… very… very… is the obvious answer.

  • His favorite lie, often repeated on & after DDay: “It’s not what you think!”

    Note to self: It was exactly what I suspected.

  • The day before he first “did something like that to me” I messaged him concerned he kept leaving his wedding ring at home. He replied that he would never do anything like that to me, because he loved me and he loved our son. This just proved to me that he knew what he was doing, and that it was wrong and would hurt me. He chose to do it anyway and it just goes to prove the ‘mistake’ excuse is just bs.

  • Meg,
    “It’s not what you think” must be a staple line for cheaters. I have heard that one so many times. And it was always exactly what I thought.