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How to Confront a Cheater

How_to_leave_a_cheaterDear Chump Lady,

When you discover cheating, how do you break the news?

I’m a strong person. I help domestic violence victims, I have an answer for everything. I don’t know left from right today.

Today I’m rereading emails my other half sent to a woman he believed was a Craigslist honey wanting to get naughty with him. ( I made an email address and messaged the Craigslist ad I suspected was him and lo and behold….)

I took the opportunity to gently quiz him about his past with Craigslist, so “I know what to expect when we meet and am waiting to hear back what his sexual limits for the meeting will be” and he described other sexual adventures he ran off on while I was sitting at home 2 years ago pregnant and thinking I had this great future ahead of me with him.

The above mentioned time is where I used to reflect, to remind myself that he once loved me when I don’t understand why he’s indifferent and withdrawn. He’s withdrawn because he’s focused on porking pigs.

I am braced for the retaliation and epic smear campaign that is going to happen when I approach him. I’m just not sure how to break the newsflash to him.

Thank you for all your writings. They have helped me wrap my brain around this situation and lace up my F.U. combat boots.

Jenn

Dear Jenn,

Oh hey, why don’t you “break the news” to him in the kind, gentle way in which he broke it to you?

Sucker punch him.

Line up your ducks and see a lawyer, so you can hit him hard and fast on your way out the door. Unfortunately, that means being a very good actress for a little while.

The first thing you must do is disabuse yourself of the notion that you’re going to have a nice chat about his Craigslist adventures, and he’ll see sense and recommit to his marriage and family. That’s not going to happen. (And on the very small chance you could have a unicorn, it’s not going to happen without severe consequences.)  Start lining up the consequences and PROTECT YOURSELF.

You already seem to know what you’re dealing with if you think he’ll react with a “smear campaign.” All the more reason to prepare carefully.

Here’s a refresher course on How To Leave a Cheater. (Also, shameless plug for my book — the first chapter is on rookie mistakes and how to avoid them.)

A) Don’t confront him. He will just take his affairs underground. He’s demonstrated how deceptive he is. All the Reconciliation Industrial Complex advice aside, having an “honest conversation” about his extracurriculars, “Hey honey, tell me how your needs for stranger sex weren’t being met…” — is setting yourself up for MORE manipulation.

Manipulation has been his strategy all along. Why would he change tactics now when so much is at stake? His goal has been cake — his affairs and his chump. He will cycle through the three channels — rage, self-pity, and charm — to keep you in your place.

B) Know your deal-breakers and grieve later. Don’t get caught up in who you thought he was, or who he could be — deal with WHO HE IS — a man who is brazenly cheating on you, and risking your health. (And who risked your health while you were pregnant.) It’s normal that you’ll still feel some love for him and raw emotion that your family life, as you thought it was, has died. Don’t let those feelings paralyze you or get in the way of you protecting yourself. It’s time to be a field marshall. You can fall apart later, in safety.

C) Get your finances in order. While you’re lining things up, make copies of all your financial documents. Run a credit report. Figure out your debts and your income. Do some sleuthing if you suspect he’s been siphoning off funds for his double life. Sadly, financial abuse often goes hand in hand with infidelity. These are monies you can ask for back in a divorce. Check out Vickie Adam’s blog My Divorce Financial Planner for more guidance.

D) Get a support network. You are dealing with a monumental shock and you need all kinds of support now. You can find online support with Chump Nation here in the forums. But also get some IRL support too — your own therapist to help you enforce your boundaries (not a marriage counselor), a trusted friend or family member(s), a church community, if you’re religious — it’s okay to lean on others now. That’s how you get through crises. Do NOT, however, lean on your husband. You will fight an overwhelming urge to seek comfort from the person who hurt you — resist those feelings. They make you vulnerable to more manipulation, the consequences of which could be very costly.

E) Get STD testing. Cheaters live in a magical reality. Don’t trust a cheater to have safe sex.

F) Be the Sane Parent. When the going gets tough, focus on being strong for your kid(s) right now. Model self respect and resiliency to them. Don’t model codependent chumpdom. Their dad is checked out of family life — you can’t afford to be. They need you to have your wits about you.

Jenn, I’m sure Chump Nation will weigh in with more suggestions. But, for now, I hope these help you lace up those Fuck You boots and march forward into a new, cheater-free life. ((Big HUGS))

This column ran previously, but there are so many more fuck you boots out there that need lacing.

****

Every time you support Chump Nation on Patreon, those boots march forward towards a better life.

 

Ask Chump Lady

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  • These are all fair and helpful points. Another thing to consider is getting him off of your social media as soon as you tell him good riddance. No contact can be difficult during those first few months of withdrawal. Block his ass, and keep your phone away from you if you’ve been drinking. Trying to untangle the skein while “moving forward without him” kept me in a cycle of pain for a while. I don’t judge myself for it now, but I do think it kept me stagnant a little longer than I needed. Good luck!

    • Staying away from drink for a while is good. I did some terrible things at that stage after a drink or four. That’s when you’re so vulnerable, at least only drink around your good good “got your back” type friends.

      • ^^^^THIS^^^^

        The very first thing I did when I told Figment to leave was to get rid of all the booze in the house. If I had anything to drink when out, it was just one glass.

        You need to stay sharp, keep your eyes open, and bring your A game until it’s done. Then you can rest and celebrate.

        • Yep, “keep your eyes open” was the best evidence my lawyer ever gave me (and she gave me a lot of good advice), during the evidence gathering phase before the sucker punch. And keep your phone camera ready. Take screen shots of the Craigslist stuff, plus any evidence of financial shenanigans. I got some good shots of the suitcases full of hundred dollar bills he was using to finance his secret life, and emailed them to my attorney. She in turn attached that photo to some correspondence about “dissipation of marital resources” sent to ex’s attorney-and they came up with a good settlement offer pronto. All because of keeping the eyes open and the phone ready. There’s some quote I saw somewhere about “the narcissist’s undoing is his consistent underestimation of the intelligence of others.” Use this to your advantage.

        • Three months ago, I told my cheating H to leave the day I found out. He wouldn’t leave, so I had to stay at my daughter’s for eight days until he finally took his crap. A few weeks later, I noticed that all the liquor was gone from a cabinet above the refrigerator. He only drank maybe four times a year. ?? WTH Maybe he was already celebrating.

          Still working on listing the house and then filing. You all know, it breaks my heart. Now, I have to move 800 miles back to my hometown. He only had to move five minutes away, but I refuse to look at his address. My daughter accidentally found out what she thinks is his apartment.

          Still fighting denial. Been NC since Dday. He has too. Guess he read some books while he was drinking. ??

      • I stayed away from drinking, too. I just knew the likelihood for spewing what was on my mind would be huge if I drank, and he always had this way of twisting things, and I was NOT going to give him any ammunition for flipping all that shit on me.

        • You were much smarter than me. I turned to wine to help me numb the pain. It only escalated things and prolonged pain. I’m glad to say that 5+ months out of DD2 and two months after filing for divorce, I am finally feeling myself again. Chaos breeds chaos. To sweeping that out with the rug, and our own Fuck You Boots!

  • I agree absolutely with Chump Lady about not confronting him – sucker punch him! My ex was violent and the danger is very real. Good luck.

    • I agree. My mild mannered ex of ten years turned into a mean, threatening bully when he realized that I wouldn’t back down about splitting assets. It was shocking! Have a lawyer already, and direct everything through the lawyer. I only got one after I had been threatened by a man I never imagined capable.

      • Yes, I too knew that mine had the potential to get nasty, hence another reason I was so goddamn sneaky and made such a dramatic escape. And we were overseas. It was just too risky. So thats why I did it the way that I did.

    • Yes!!! Totally agree!!!

      – “…why don’t you ‘break the news’ to him in the kind, gentle way in which he broke it to you? Sucker punch him.”

      YUP! This is EXACTLY what I did. I didn’t tell him that I knew what he was up to. I let him dig his grave nice and deep for about 5months while I acted my ass off, kept collecting evidence, and lined my ducks up for a spectacular escape. We had been living overseas for many years, and I had regularly made trips back to my home country with the kids every 6months to catch up with my family. He had NO IDEA that I had planned to go home for one of those regular trips (after my first D-Day), and never come back. The kids and I left, said goodbye to him at the airport: He thought we would be back in a couple of weeks. NOPE! I went home, hit the ground running with a lawyer, went to court and had interim orders put in place (custody, border watch list) – then dropped the bomb on him that I wasn’t coming back. BOOM! It hit him like a Mac truck. He had no idea that I knew about his cheating, and he continued to act dumb and DENY it for the next 18+ months. He even tried to accuse me of “having a boyfriend back home”, and that must be the “real reason” I left, because he “wasn’t cheating, I just misunderstood and blew things out of proportion”. I mean, really?? Cheaters be crazy y’all!

      After sucker-punching him with the big leave, I then boomerang mind-fucked him (right back at’cha, bitch) by not letting him know exactly WHAT I knew. Its been a little over two years now and he still doesn’t know HOW I found out about his cheating, or WHAT and HOW MUCH I know. I know a lot! And I have a lot of evidence that I’ve never shown him, nor mentioned that I have. He’s still clueless to this day. I f**king LOVE IT. I will never tell him.

      I think that if you know and are planning to leave, don’t tell them. It was honestly the best thing I could have done. Lining up the ducks was a HUGE advantage, I cannot stress it enough. It all played out very nicely for me. But…it took a lot of self-control and stellar acting to pull it all off. Can somebody please give me my Oscar already? xx

          • And as Left Him said, only confess to knowing just a few things. Keep the power by keeping them guessing.

            LHATT: your story always impresses. Bravo, bravo (but no encore for either of us.)

            • YES, I was just about to say the same ting to LHATT. That story never gets old.

              As Chump Lady says, “better days ahead!”

          • Nyra-This is one of the things I am currently grappling with and so distraught over. Somehow my chump self keeps expecting my lying, serial cheating husband to have a Come to Jesus moment and confess everything. After recently learning about new mistresses (I “think” it’s DD4 but what do I really know…) he CONTINUED contact with one of them after the cat was out of the cheating bag. Somehow this was a new low when life was already underground. He’s been giving me excuses after excuses (“but SHE wouldn’t stop contacting poor innocent me” or “she’s crazy, I wanted her to think it was HER idea to end things so she didn’t do something like jeopardize my job” blah blah).

            It makes me crazy that he will only confess to what I confront him about. I got smart and left a voice activated recorder in his car. That’s how I learned there were TWO(!) at the same time. I don’t get it. It seems like so-much-work. No wonder he was never emotionally there for me anymore. By the time he got home he’d been playing Romeo/confidante/boyfriend all over town. And what KILLS me is I blamed myself for not being able to trust him and get over priors affairs! I was so concerned about him working so much (legit working) that I felt guilty that he was tired and unavailable. I blamed myself thinking it was 14 years into a marriage so maybe this is just “how it got” when you’re together a long time.

            God, I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid!

            • Oh, I know this one. The pretence and contortion by them is mind bending. Who has all that mental effort to be a father/husband to me and kids, business partner and landlord to bit on the side, and boss/fuck buddy to other one? It’s crazy making!! Each time I write down or post 3xqctly what it was it gets more fucked up. I’m in a mess because of him but I’ll get by. He is a mess through and through. With no self respect. Do they contort themselves just for a shag? It’s exhausting on all fronts.

        • Tempest! Oh thank you, thank you (taking a bow)…. 💐

          …I’d like to thank the academy (Chump Nation), for all the support, good reads and great laughs 😂🤣😂

          …I’d like to thank my children, for being such awesome little people who adapted so quickly to this new and wonderful post-fuckwit life 👧🏻🧒🏼

          …I’d like to thank my mother for being available 24/7 to phone/message for sanity checks, and for helping me learn and recite my lines, and stay in character during my biggest scenes (faking it until I made it out of the country) 🎬

          …I’d like to thank a still-to-remain-anonymous member of my cheater’s staff, for their gumption and willingness to plot and scheme with me (somebody sent me an angel) 😇

          …I would like to thank Chump Lady, for replying that late-night email in April 2016, and for giving me the advice I needed to hear and reassurance that I was on the right track with my escape plans 🗝

          …and how could I forget to thank the fuckwit himself. My cheater. Without whom none of this would have been possible – the better, more authentic life; the ability to parent as I see fit, minus turd interference; the freedom to be myself again; the new career I was forced into, which got me back into the workforce after years of being out of it while I was rearing children; and the new friendships with other chumps, both online (y’all here!!) and in the flesh (I’m looking at you, Newcastle gang!) 💓

          For you all, I am enternally grateful 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

          🎭 🌹 🎭 🌹 🎭

      • left him at the airport: WOW! If there was ever a page in anyone’s book to take, it would be yours. I got chills reading your mightiness here. Jenn and anyone who might be going through this right now: THIS is how you do it. Yes, I couldn’t agree more about not telling them what you know. They always take it deeper underground. Those unicorns are really hard to come by. Plus there’s more mindfucking. So much so that you feel crazier and crazier. It’s a very vicious cycle to break from.

        • Hi marriagedetective 🕵🏻‍♀️🕵🏻‍♂️

          You got chills reading that because I was indeed a COLD-hearted b**ch when I was going through it all, LOL!! Ice maiden ❄️

          I had to take on an entirely different personality in order to do what I did. Because, it was soooo very unlike me (and unlike most chumps) to lie, collude, scheme and manipulate. I sort of had to put my mourning (of the dead relationship) to the side until I was safety out of the country with my kids. But, the mourning came. Oh boy, did it come.

          I write often of the best part of my story – the way I left him at the airport, dropped a bomb on him weeks later, f**ked him over in the end. The mightiness. But, I need to point out that after the relief and elation of the big escape, I still had to go through the mourning, the counselling, the picking-myself-back-up-off-the-ground effort, the explaining to kids and ensuring they were doing OK with it all, the frustration of trying to get post-grad studies completed while I went through all this sh*t so I could enter a new career to financially support 3 of us. It hasn’t been easy.

          I hope people don’t think I’m showing off when I talk about my story. The reason I do it is because it might inspire somebody else to lay low and do the same thing to their cheater. Because I really do think it’s best to not tell them, and make your own escape plans. Worked for me!

      • Damn, girl you were (are) good. 👏🏻 and yes the award goes to you!!
        Unfortunately for me, I didn’t learn of CN until after I was made aware of the cheating lifestyle the f-wit was up to. And while I did ALL the wrong things, (reconciliation, therapy..etc) when I realized that the Unicorn was just that, I needed to plan my exit.
        I acted and plotted and did the logistics and secured a storage and planned movers to come the weekend he was going to go “out of town”. We had just gotten an eviction notice, couldn’t of come at a better time… for me at anyrate. For weeks I moved things around the house to put them I their ‘proper’ place so when I packed (in 8 hours I might add) I had everything all ready to go. The moment he walked out of the house for his weekend, my dd and I started to pack. For weeks prior I was making weekly, daily trips to goodwill getting rid of crap. 10 people showed up to help move and within 4 hours I was gone. Two weeks later on my bday weekend I was having him served. Best bday gift ever!! I went NC, secured an attorney. A month later I got a call from the landlord, (apparently the f-wit made arrangements to stay with a promise to pay all rent asap) to ask for the rent. I wish I could of seen her face when I informed her that I was no longer living there and that we were divorcing, and I was no longer associated with him, and NOT responsible for HIS actions. I asked her if she had gotten my letter (sent the day I moved out so she couldn’t call and spill the beans that I was moving on him) of resignation from the apartment and from him. I stated to her, you will now need to deal with the f-wit as I was no longer responsible for HIS actions. She was pissed.

        • Redstar, that is some tale of mightiness! I love how organized you were, and all those people showing up to help…!

        • OMG, RedStar!! I am handing my award over to you! Gumption plus +++ 🙌🏼👍🏼👊🏼💪🏼
          👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼ENCORE👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

          What an awesome plan you hatched! Me, I got on a plane and ran (flew) away. But YOU…wow! You plotted and schemed to get all your stuff packed and ready in such a short time, and movers there to haul it away while he was away. Bravo, my friend, BRAVO!!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 I am loving this to pieces!! Thank you for sharing.

          I know exactly what it took for you to plan ahead, act your arse off, veto/vito (sp?) stuff to take/leave, rearranging sh*t around the house to make it look like nothing untoward was going on, giving stuff to charity!! You were making trips to goodwill for weeks, giving stuff away, and I bet he didn’t even notice. Yep, I can totally relate! I was giving stuff away for weeks and he never noticed that things were gone. This is because a) he was hardly ever home, and when he was, he paid little attention to us/his surroundings. It was a place for him to shower, sleep at, then he’d be gone again. And, b) I was that sneaky at covering my tracks.

          You did an amazing job to get out the way that you did. I absolutely LOVE IT!! Oh, to have seen his face when he returned. I often wonder what my cheater did after I dropped the bomb. When he went into the kids’ bedroom and actually opened their drawers and cupboards to see them EMPTY! When he opened the toy cabinet and saw it was actually CLEARED. When he took a closer look at the bookshelf and finally realised that all the children’s books had been GIVEN AWAY OR SOLD (I couldn’t take them on the plane, too heavy) and replaced with other books that were arranged in a way to make the bookshelf look full of colourful kids books and belongings. When he realised that I’d given MOST of the kitchenware away (he hardly used it). Hahaha, oh to have been a fly on the wall and seen his reaction.

          I too was contacted by the owner of our apartment, to see if we were going to extend our lease. This was several months after my departure. They had no idea I had left the country. I told her I was no longer in the country, and that she would have to deal with him from then on. Like yours, he ended up staying on in the apartment that is too big for one person. He’s still there now, too lazy to move! He held onto certain things for a while, thinking I was going to come back to him. Bah! He’s only just recently sold my son’s car-shaped bed and the piano. I guess the penny has finally dropped that the kids and I are NEVER COMING BACK.

          RedStar, I love your style. And bless those who helped you plot and pack. Cheers to you, RedStar, you badass 🥂👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🍻

      • I think she/he “blew things out of proportion” is one of the most typical lies in the cheaterspeak vocab list.

        Your story is an excellent example of how to respond to cheating!

    • I agree with Chump Lady. Hone your acting skills and get your ducks in a row while he is none the wiser. It was sobering to witness my X’s manipulation and deceit by just quietly watching him. It was surreal, knowing all the sordid details, and then watching his behavior from a completely different perspective. It was angering, saddening, sickening, and but most of all MOTIVATING. It really, finally, drove into my skull just how disordered he was, and that made moving on so much easier.

      • It’s A Journey, I couldn’t have put it better. I too quietly observed my cheater for months leading up to leaving him, and was utterly floored at the ease in which he lied directly to my face and worked his game. Knowing all the sordid details, knowing where he’d been and then sitting across the table from him and listening to him give false explanations. Sobering indeed.

        On one occasion, I actually became breathless and jumped out of my chair midway through one of his amazing lies. I thought quickly on my feet and told him I had forgotten to call my mom back earlier, and that I had to call her immediately as she would be waiting for my callback. Took my phone downstairs (our phone reception wasn’t always good in our apartment, so it was a good excuse to get out), called my mom and I was practically hyperventilating. She had to calm me down from a world away. I was so shocked by how convincing he was. It was like he believed his own lies. And in that moment I was panicking that “nobody would ever believe me about what he’s been doing because he such a good liar”. It was quite scary, actually.

        • And yes – hone those acting skills and get away from these motherf**kers. Seriously, line your ducks up and get out. They ain’t gonna change, they’re only going to get worse.

          PS – I don’t follow the tabloids, but I saw an article about Khloe Kardash in my news feed (how did these people become so “relevant” anyways?!) and I would just like say/ask – THE F**K is she doing??! Oh honey, get away from him. Yeah, you just had his kid. And? That doesn’t mean you have to stick with him. I give it 6-8months

  • Never confront a cheater. I did and it was a hudge mistake. He just was more careful. He bought a to go phone and stopped any communication on facebook with the skank. Then I was blindsided with divorce papers on my birthday. Yup, on my birthday. Three weeks later he stopped the divorce.

    Never confront them. Be sneaky just like them. Get all your ducks in a row then sucker punch him. A man who lies and cheats on you doesn’t deserve any explanation. My STBX was nice enough to cheat with my cousin. Even though he stopped the divorce I pretended I was going to stay. I slowly got my ducks in a row and served him with divorce papers. Cheaters are scum.

      • I got “served” via email (yeah right mofo! I’m a litigator – there’s no such thing as initial service via email in our state) with the unfiled dissolution petition where our kids’ birthdays were wrong (off by 2 years!) on Thanksgiving. 🤬🤬🤬🤬. Of course he had been hovering, lying about no longer being with whore, said it was all a mistake, blah blah blah ….

        I filed 6 weeks later, effectively served his counsel, took him all the way to trial 13 months later – he kicked and screamed like a rageful dervish the whole time— and I won full custody and 70% of all assets. My FUCK YOU FUCKER boots are pink, btw!

        • I don’t know how others have gotten a “fair” settlement without going to trial. Our lawyers sat on their assess (in the two+ years it took for our family court to process our dissolution) and watched X’s entitled dissipation of assets play out. When he stopped paying temporary child support, I right away enlisted the help of Children’s Services. He made over 100K that year and they took him to court to attach his wages. I noted in court docs that X had refinanced the house and purchased time on with the state (pulling another $60K out of a joint savings account which fed into*his* retirement account) around the same time two years earlier. My lawyer apparently wasn’t worried enough about us losing the house (my children and I lived there) as long as she got paid. Perhaps she realized he was dangerous but for. Fuck’s. sake…. X had also purchased a brand new car for our daughter a month after moving out because that’s what the disordered do (image management) and perhaps this was yet another excuse for him not to pay the mortgage. In papers he filed, he stated we had both purchased vehicle, yet contract was dated a month after our separation. His behavior effectively communicated to me that he was not above holding our children hostage financially. After letting us know he had no intention of helping out with kids’ education expenses, eldest in college thousands of miles away hit the ground running while her financial aid office scrambled to help her. So, two in university and one headed there. I don’t know how my kids survived those years. So, my point is that the longer you are with crazy, the more likely they are to “go off.” Cheaters are absolutely nuts. I did not file because my gut told me NOT to and I listened. I was isolated, miles away from anybody who really knew me, and focused only on my children (and the small amount of bills I could pay with my 40 hrs/week paycheck. So thankful to have walked away from toxic, but it has been a struggle. My advice to those who don’t have the resources, ask that it be paid pro rata, based on the % each can afford. Also don’t be too proud to seek help for other services:counseling, housing, food. Our community has free produce distributions once a month and it helps to supplement my income (lawyers bills are still a priority as well).

    • I was served with divorce papers from my cheater the day before my birthday as I was leaving for the vacation we were supposed to take together to Australia. I thought the process server was the airport driver. I had not two minutes before handed a completed waiver of service to the cheating bastard. He could have told me I was about to get served. It was the first and only time in my life that I felt rage. I remember screaming at him in the street of my quiet neighborhood, in the light of day that I knew he had a whore. It’s been almost five years and I haven’t seen him since. I was right about the whore. They’ve been married now for over 3 years.

    • I went out of town and had my scum cheater served on MY birthday. . . BEST. BDAY. PRESENT. To myself ever!!. I smiled all weekend long at the thought of it. And he was at work.

  • Well if he’s anything like my STBX confrontation will be an opportunity to gaslight you. I know exactly what mine would do

    I’d meet him at the designated time and place, confront him, and have the tables twisted. My “jumping to conclusions” about him being on Craigslist just happened to coincide with him being at the designated location … a coincidence! I “must be crazy” to think that, and “wtf was I doing trolling craigslist!” “Why am I stalking him” by posting adds on craigslist to respond to an add that wasn’t even him.

    If you work in DV, I’m sure you know all of the covert abuse tactics, but knowing them isn’t enough. I’ve spent the last 5 years learning and even our limited contact can have me second guessing myself. So my advise would be, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it’s a Fuc*ing DUCK!

  • I hope Jenn took all your advice, Chump Lady, and is onto a better life.

    My STBX was a gutless loser who ran away without any explanation. He didn’t even say goodbye to the kids. As I was expecting the police to turn up at any moment to tell me he had committed suicide, he was actually screwing his married coworker at their mutual friend’s house.

    After I found messages between them, I didn’t even confront him. I packed all his belongings into my car, met him at a park, told him to open his own bank account, gave him all his stuff and left. He looked at me with complete contempt (“you’re not the boss of me!”). He did not give a shit.

    And that was the end of a 26 year relationship (22 married)!

    • Yeah, I had a gutless loser too.

      30 year relationship (17 married).

      I still have to see him in passing and I get those looks of complete comtempt too.

      Sigh.

      • Pretty much the same here, X took his fitness bag, truck, guns, work stuff, and miscellaneous kitchen shit. All the rest, the kids, our pets, four other vehicles (registered in his name only-red flag here), the furniture, and twenty years of a marriage were left behind. He threatened to kick me out of the house, he threatened to cancel insurance (I paid what I could and let the others go), he threatened to move back in in an email (to which I snarkily replied, “Do! But I don’t think your whore would be too happy with that!” Complete with smiley face emoji), and he threatened to leave me penniless. All this time I had sole custody of our kids. In the two years it took for our divorce to make its way through our antiquated court system, the house was also foreclosed upon, and my kids and I ended up giving away half our family’s belongings and chucking the rest into a storage unit. A week after my youngest graduated from HS, I quit my job and we moved away.

  • Protect yourself! This is the best piece of advice I got.
    My now X husband seemed a calm person. But he did the most devious things, even after he got “the life he wanted”. He continues to come up with things. I am in protect mode so it’s like a bad drama I’m watching. I keep myself away from his * and I am thankful he lives in a different country.
    Protect yourself and your children!

    • Enraged – very well said.
      The best advice here is PROTECT YOURSELF, as SOON as you suspect.
      If you suspect, it usually means it’s happening.

      The most gentle and hospitable loving husbands (or wives) can turn on you in an instant.
      And, as C/L advised me – that many cheaters also cheat financially…well..
      He wound up doing terrible theft from me, of which I caught him at!! haha, because I was prepared and I had photos of assets he stole – thanks to this site.
      He was lucky I didn’t turn him into the police but his lawyer advised him to make me happy with the settlement, in the meantime.

      Knowledge is Power, even though you have to drag yourself through sewers of information to get there. It feels like you’re dragging yourself through thickening green sticky quicksand that’s drowning you slowly.
      The trickle truth was as bad and worse than I could have anticipated. (and, more than I asked for)

      Protect yourself and your kids by digging into it and gathering ducks.
      One step ahead (or six) is the best way forward and, when you think of all the conspiring they did against you while scumming along behind your back and giggling over how smart they were, it helps to think of that to justify your investigation. I realize it also lowers you to their antics. It made me sick. But, I had to do it to gain the power.

      I owe Tracy a couple of Aussie Meat Pies with Smashed Peas for saving me, literally, several thousand dollars.

  • They love it when you confront them. They love your tears, your pain. It is what they have been after all along.
    Don’t give them what they want.
    Sucker punch the hell out of them.

    • I’m not sure that is true for all of them. Mine actually thought he could walk away from his 20+ year marriage without anybody getting hurt. My pain got in the way of that. He would have much preferred it if I really didn’t care. Then he could have walked away with (at least in his mind) a clear conscience and feeling like he had done the right thing. He even said to me at one point “I wish you didn’t care so much”, this after having complained that he didn’t feel loved in our marriage and that’s why he cheated. Maybe he just didn’t like me providing evidence that countered his excuses (she didn’t love me anyway, oops, that one’s not going to fly). In any case, my pain makes it harder for him to blame me for the bust up of our marriage without looking like a jackass.

      • CIR….”He would have much preferred it if I really didn’t care. Then he could have walked away with (at least in his mind) a clear conscience and feeling like he had done the right thing.”. That is his manipulation of you at work….by definition these types do not have consciousnesses.

    • Leave/Loser – ‘they love it when you confront them. They love your tears, your pain. It is what they have been after all along.’

      For some reason I wish somebody could explain…
      When he said – ‘I want a Divorce’. (I felt like an earthquake split me in two)
      And, I stood there and said, calmly, ‘okay – let’s sit down and divide assets’.
      I have NO idea what I was thinking – absolutely no tears. I was completely 100% numb. It came out of the blue.
      No tears at all in front of him
      Certainly I must have been in shock, but I know lucidly and clearly that I was never going to let him see me cry over him.

      I’m so glad I held strong. No begging or asking ‘why’ for me. (I did while I tried to sleep at night)
      Too much dignity? Not facing the facts? Not caring?
      It wasn’t until later that I got mad enough to literally throw him and his martini out of the house just after I found her ugly old frayed lace black Walmart panties, in our bed. No tears. ha. Very deep dangerous anger and I think he was scared of me after that. I was scared of me.

      Again, I’m not sure if there’s something wrong with me not doing the pick me dance, or crying or begging. However, I DID spackle for far too many years over some issues that all boiled alive when he denied cheating on me when I had proof of a 3 yr affair. ha ha. Idiot.

  • Have your Phone Voice Recorder ON.

    If nothing else years later you can listen to it and have a good laugh about all the ways he tried to lie his way out of it or make excuses and blame shit on you. Or you can use it in court. Either way. CYA – cover your ass

    • Recording a conversation without the permission of all parties is legal in some states but not others. I’d make the tape, but then be careful about how and when you use it based on the laws in your area.

      • When the Twat used to go off on his screaming rants I would put my phone on video and drop it by the side of the sofa. Then I would play it back to his parents! I wasn’t looking to use it in a court of law but I also sent him the videos! Don’t tell me you never ranted and raged you MF!

  • Hi, don’t ever think the ow, is anyway better than you. She has different standards, she will probably lie about anything or everything, she might try and get you to feel sorry for her, lying is nothing to them. Be careful about your husband trying to grab at your heartstrings ie she meant nothing.

  • Confront a cheater in your marriage the way you’d confront a rattlesnake in your toilet: turn around, walk away, and don’t look back. Let the professionals get rid of it (snake wranglers/divorce lawyers). Neither rattlesnakes or cheaters are easily flushed—too wriggly and scaley.

    • Truth. Once I realized X was fucking someone else, that was ALL I needed to know to get out. That allowed me to walk away and never look back. Placed all X’s belongings in hefty bags, threw out his recliner, and cut down that damn tree in the back yard.

      • Was watching a clip on Princess Diana in which she was talking about how badly she felt when her husband was blatantly cheating on her, yet denying it, and treating her like shit. So very sad but so much like what we all experience here.

        • Drew – Princess Di really did expose infidelity for what it was. “It is difficult to have a marriage with 3 people in it’. Her children were very young and he never quit seeing his mistress whom he saw before marrying Di. I think the world felt for her and she opened a door to talk about it. (affairs in a marriage)

  • This is an excellent post this should “link” under the resources area on this blog we have so many newbies on these days so they can access this info as a “guide”.
    @leavealyingloser you are correct they love to see us suffer. I was lying my ducks when God gave me another evidence I found him talking on his cell phone @ 2:00 am in the sofa. I WAS CALM since I did not cry… . He stayed for while at the office/room. One day he told me I could start dating. I insulted him & he was laughing. EVIL

  • Protect yourself.

    Mine was a ‘nice guy’ who prided and still does pride himself on his integrity, open communication and honesty.

    15 months later I am still getting unpleasant surprises as new evidence comes to light.

    Don’t stand there gawping as I did.

    Protect yourself.

    • Yes! Jenn, do not focus on ANY of your previous convictions about how much of a stand-up guy he is. HE ISN’T. It took me SOOOO LONG to believe this.

      The gloves will come off when he becomes aware that you know and that you’re leaving. Don’t trust him, don’t tell him how much you know, don’t get sentimental.

      If possible, only communicate through the lawyer. If you have to talk to him, maybe text only, so you have a record. My ex also prided himself on his integrity, being a “good guy”, etc. etc. It was all false pride. It was all bullshit! Do not give him a single inch.

    • YES! Do not believe their nice-guy/gal or sad sausage facade. While you are contemplating how you can divorce such a sniveling, seemingly-remorseful adult, they are plotting behind your back (continuing to see the AP, moving money out of bank accounts, maligning you to friends & family).

      When I thought Hannibal Lecher was in the bedroom reading “The Gaslight Effect” to show me how sensitive he could become if I’d just give him another chance, he was actually calculating the amount of child support he’d have to pay.

  • I did exactly this: created an fake identity and responded to his Craigslist ad. Queried him about his Craigslist experience. Ew. I never told him I knew about his Craigslist presence. Ever. To this day, more than 2 years after the divorce. But I did what Chump Lady advised here. Ducks in a row. Also got a post office box in a nearby town. Talked to an attorney – who thought he sounded dangerous. Researched finances (not difficult, most aren’t financial wizards) before he could take any informed actions. Made itemized list of shared assets, decided what I wanted. I used the e-mails as my fuel. This other person, so unimaginable. Living under the same roof. And knowing that I had only uncovered the tip of the iceberg . . that I would only know a fraction of his years and years of deceit. But he deceived/deceives everyone. [shrug] And as much as I may have enjoyed fantasizing a confrontation – the reality of taking control of my life was so much better. Who I am vs. who he is. No competition.

    • Wow, so stealthy. You are mighty! I so understand your moniker and felt the same way. I hope you are happy to be cheater-free like me. Finally!

  • ClusterB’s are very good at isolating Chumps from their families. You’d be surprised how many will relocate to another state or country in order to be closer to the OW/OM. This is also done to improve their financial leverage.

    It’s done intentionally.

    By not confronting your abuser you have a window of time to move closer to your support system. Ask for help from trusted family members. Then Leave with any liquid cash available.

    • No, sorry. 🙁 I always hope people check back in tho. Circumstances change, emails change (sometimes people write to me from fake emails). But I always hope for the best. And sometimes people do update us!

  • Being a good actress is one thing but what about intimacy? That’s why I moved into the spare bedroom went no contact even while living together and filed immediately. The price was not having cover while lining ducks but there’s no way I could continue sleeping with it. And I can’t say I would do it differently even with the financial losses.

    • Yes – that would be extremely difficult! After I found out, I tried SOOO hard to ‘forgive.’ (Not sure why because he felt that there was nothing he did to ‘forgive,’ rather he tried to ‘forgive’ me because it was my fault he went out and got a fuck phone.’ Anyway – I would still sleep with the shithead and literally cry during and after. Not good…..

    • It’s not unheard of to go a few weeks without sex – just say you’re feeling “off” for a bit. What’s the worst that can happen – they use a few weeks of no sex with you as an excuse to start cheating? They already did that!

  • Yes, decades and decades of hard won wisdom here. I made all the rookie mistakes. Got stuck in the RIC vortex for 2 years with my timid forest creature, then spent 2 more years and $$$$ on a nasty divorce. The smear campaign is real, their ability to flip the script and make you the bad guy is just something we cannot even fathom.

    If only I had found CN at the beginning!

    Follow CL’s advice to the letter and look forward to a better life. Living in uncertainty as the marriage police makes your life hell while he is out at the cake buffet. Nope, nope and nope.

  • Totally agree with the response. Quietly get your finances in order and see some lawyers. I wish I had the opportunity to find out without Judas’s knowledge. Instead – he knew that I would be ‘finding out’ in the near future, therefore it gave HIM time to start hiding money, selling items, cashing in his ROTH, etc…..

    • It’s so sad that the majority of stories here are so similar. Seems these disgusting cheaters are lying cowrds.

      After my very long marriage I caught them together at
      whores home in the middle of the night.

      Please get rid of your husband as soon as possible. Don’t do what myself & many of us chumps here have done..
      the sooner you free yourself & family from the cheater
      the healthier you will feel. Let him live with himself
      that alone is punishment enough.

  • You need to realize something… if you want to confront your cheater… then you do not trust that he sucks and instead you are showing him that you have already forgiven him to a certain degree (otherwise, why confront him?)… and that you are ready to put on your pick-me-dancing shoes (and not your FU Boots).

    SO – if that is where you are, I would keep documenting and gathering evidence. Stop the Craigslist conversation (he could argue he knew it was you) and get serious – go over phone bills, credit card records, use his SSN and get a credit report (to see if he has accounts you don’t know about!)… and if “his” computer is the family computer, take the hard drive to an expert and have a copy of it made (and then have a forensic computer analyst go through it – this is not cheap upfront, but could save you thousands in divorce costs). DOCUMENT.

    Why document? Well… the courts and your lawyer will love it for sure. But more importantly, you need to look at it every day until all the horrible things he has done are burned into your brain enough for you to trust that he sucks. And, someday, when the X tries to rewrite history with the kiddos, you can give them the “bible” to witness for themselves.

    You know what they say: “If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, its fucking a duck.”

    • That’s the problem. I did love my ex. That is why I did confront him as soon as I found out. That is how I had always dealt with him when he did something I found hurtful, usually only in extreme cases like when he had the emotional affair or the time he got mad at me and refused to talk to me for 24 hours. This had always worked for me in the past. Once confronted, we would work out whatever differences we had and move on. He used to refer to it as me hitting him over the head with a frying pan to get him to come to his senses (he said it in a way that implied he thought this was a good thing). This time it didn’t work. The allure of Schmoopie was just too great. It was such a shock for me when the tactic that had always worked before to keep us together failed. Lucky for me he was too messed up in the head and otherwise distracted to be calculating so he didn’t steal all of our assets or launch a smear campaign. I got away easy compared to many on here, but I still have the broken heart.

      • CIR – you have the broken heart… and that will heal in time, I promise. How much time? Depends on you and what you spend your time doing/thinking.

        As for Schmoopie, she won a LIAR and a cheater.

        I think you came out ahead.

      • Yep. My STBXH falls into the man-child category. We used to work on things, but over time he put more and more distance between us. Said at the end he needed “passion and romance” to “finally be happy.” I tried to enter the RIC, but he ended up bailing pretty quickly. At this point, 9 months out, I’m shocked at how I don’t miss him, but I am still angry (not quite at “meh” although getting close). The heartbreak is real, but I am starting to enjoy the potential to engage men on my terms. I never thought flirting at 50 would be fun, but it is!

        Oh, and that passion and romance thing? Not working out so well for him.

    • This is such great advice ICanSee! I especially loved the part about taking their computer or external hard drive to an expert. I wish I would have done that. It took me a really really long time to trust that X sucked. Everything you’ve talked about here is so true. You really don’t trust that they suck and are BAD for you if you’re willing to confront them about the affair(s). You are stuck in trusting that they might have an explanation or that they’ll change. You need to trust that you KNOW that this isn’t the kind of relationship that you want and go about protecting yourself.

      • It is amazing what the Geek Squad at Best Buy can do… you can also find companies by Google… it was $1500, but the evidence was priceless.

  • Looking back I wish I’d had this very sage advice on day 1. All confronting Cheaterturd did was give him more opportunity to lie and gaslight. Knowing what I know now, the whole sordid ugly truth, makes my confrontation memories even more painful. That he had the capacity to look me in the eye, while I held the email proof of his latest affair, and have him bold face never break a sweat lie to me is almost unbelievable. It still chills me to my core, the ease he could lie. But what did I expect from someone that was cheating and lying to me for over a decade. Normal people can’t do that, lead double lives and sleep well at night. I wish I had kept quiet, lawyered up and then dropped the bomb as I kicked him out the door. Would have saved me a lot of money and precious time I will never get back.

    • Beachgirl, I was thinking the EXACT same thing about my X. I was immediately recalling one of the confrontations and how easily he lied, right to my face. He lied so effortlessly that I was almost sure he was telling the truth! So that created a vortex of crazy because then I had to find more evidence to convince myself of what was going on. So much crazy. So frightening! The lying was second nature to him. I can only imagine all the things that he lied to me about. Ugh.

      • I can relate. When I confronted him about what I read in his journal he started explaining that I didn’t understand what I’d read, etc. He was so convincing, I almost wanted to believe him! But my brain was telling me “you just read the truth in black and white.” That’s when I realized how he had manipulated me all those years.

        • Ha! Same here, I had her journal in front of me, confronting her, and she would still deny it, “I’m still seeing *the leech*”, I still deal with her nearly daily due to coparenting, I didn’t know other coparents used NC, but I still just am incredulous to the barefaced lies, over and over, even things she didn’t have to lie about. I’m about 18 months separated, still cry most days, 13 years married, and like most here totally blindsided and bewildered, but I do get a few laughs, the married guy she was cheating with dumped her arse when she got too clingy, and now she tells me she’s wetting her bed as she’s so stressed and unhappy. But I’m lucky, my 10 year old daughter lives with me during the week, and I know I’m better off than most (44, own home, good job, very good friends and social network, healthy etc…), but I’m still so fucking sad. Always good to read I’m not alone though, thank you.

          • Dang! Well, go “Grey Rock” as much as possible and focus on being the sane parent to your kid. You seem to be doing fine – keep it up!

  • Don’t invest in a therapist who doesn’t consider infidelity abuse – there are plenty out there.

  • And about the smear campaign, why does it work?

    Because chumps care, that’s why. They allow the flawed judgment of other people to matter.

    When you realize that this allowance is a choice YOU are making for yourself, the smears lose a lot of power. Because you can CHOOSE not to allow others’ judgments and falsehoods to become your narrative.

  • I wish I would have found this blog first, but it seems many of us don’t find it until a little while after d-day. These are all good points from CL, which of course I didn’t follow like an idiot (I didn’t find this place until afterwards)…..alas.

    Anyway, I would just add that if you have any source of information for what they’re up to, DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT, tell them how you know anything. Otherwise they’ll immediately do whatever possible to cut that source of information off and keep you from finding anything else out.

    Fortunately one of the only smart things I did was not to reveal my source (a VAR). I needed to keep that source open, and thank God I did, because that’s also how I later found out that my ex was hiding thousands of dollars of cash on the side. If not for that, I would have never known that either.

    • I never told my sources. Gave me great joy to watch him sweat. But the one person he thought it was ( he was wrong) he cursed and said he would kill them. Think that says it all about the mindset. All about image for these loosers.

  • I never had the opportunity to confront the cheater. HE left and filed for divorce without giving me a reason! Of course, I learned that he and his howorker were having an affair since (at least 2011). I was able to provide him with a six page dissertation on what I had learned he had done. Basically good bye loser…I deserved so much better (and so did my sons). Today is Tuesday!

  • Jenn: All of this non-confront advice is good, especially getting all your ducks in a row. But, let’s face it, it goes against human nature. You will eventually confront and you need to know what to expect. He will lie his ass off. He will turn things back onto you. Don’t debate him. Tell him what you know and what you’re going to do about it AFTER you get your ducks in a row. Make it short and sweet. Hopefully you can hire a lawyer before that. Do not at any point try to reconcile. That will turn out to be an agonizing waste of your time and energy. I wish you all the best. You don’t know it now but you will recover.

  • Today a year ago when I was lying on the floor in a sniveling ,snotty ,tearful mess after several years of pick me dance and a fifth Dday on Father’s Day 2017 Seeking advice on the Internet from the RIC on how I could fix myself and marriage from a narcissistic cheating lying FUCKWIT ! I luckily instead found CHUMP NATION and it’s saved my life. Within a half an hour I had made an appointment with a family law lawyer spent the next few weeks secretly lining my ducks up gathering my evidence which was plenty and copious and leveraging his guilt and desire to keep it all a secret to get a decent if not still stressful separation agreement. I live in a fault state when it comes to divorce adultery and deviant sexual behavior matter and play a part when it comes to splitting assets and community property i’m a liberal but I have to say I truly appreciate this conservative law that my state has … In 11 days I can file. I am not gonna lie and say it’s been easy now he is ghosting my children like he once ghosted me I’ve gotten therapy for myself and my children and now I am Busy trying to create a better future for myself and my children I ain’t got no time to worry about what he needs or wants 😫don’t care!. My oldest graduated from high school with honors and is heading to the college of his choice. My youngest still struggles emotionally with the separation from her dad but understands in the end it really has nothing to do with her she has hope that he’ll maintain a relationship with her yet I’m not seeing the evidence. It is the fuckwits loss not mine The only hard thing is watching my children be in pain that they’re selfish father can’t be bothered to spend any time with them and splashes his new relationship with his new sparkle toy girlfriend and her children all over Facebook. So I recommend staying off social media as well as lining up the ducks it’s damn hard not gonna lie, but truly worth it in the end. It’s Tuesday I am at MEH When it comes to my relationship with Fuckwit but I do hurt for my kids. !!!!!!

    So to anyone like me who stumbled onto this website on a Tuesday looking for marriage reconciliation material 🛑 STOP LOOKING pay attention to this website CHUMLADY AND EVERYONE HERE Will save your life 🌻THIS SITE HAS YOUR BACK Follow the advice from here, practice self-care,Get the book I did great read 🌞read all the archive material you can From the site
    💖 look out for yourself
    if you have kids advocate for them.
    🌟put yourself first for once stop making your needs so small you matter🌺
    As soon as I get myself in a financial place I’m going to become a patron right now I’m scrambling to pay the bills but I’m still a heck of a lot calmer and happier than I was a year ago without Chump Nation I’d still be in that chaos gaslit hopium crap ☔️ storm 💥

  • YES to all of these. I made the mistake of confrontation in a kind and gentle way AFTER I had secured my finances and rented a storage locker (that I filled with his stuff prior to “The Talk” – I was willing to apologize if I was convinced I was wrong, but not willing to walk through a graveyard of memories and all his crap if I wasn’t). Rallied the troops and booked therapy immediately for me and DD. Best thing I ever did to protect us.

  • I was so ready for my cheater thanks to reading here every chance I got. He was a repeat offender and I knew there would be another Dday. There ALWAYS is. Unless YOU put a stop to it.
    As time goes on I thank the lord I wasn’t married or had children with him, so all I had to do was kick him to the curb. I had 25 years and numerous Ddays with my cheater. What would I do differently given the chance?
    I would have ended it the FIRST time he cheated, giving him a 2nd chance was handing him back the knife to stab me with. You see, through reading here from thousands of beautiful chumps, cheaters are repeat offenders, so rare do they change it is almost unheard of.

    On the last occasion I BLEW him out so fast, he had no time to act. I kept calm, had my ducks all ready and BAM. I can’t say I haven’t struggled alot, I have. I was detoxing from years and layers of co-dependency. But out the other side of ALL the daily stress, policing, gas lighting and worry, life is really starting to improve.
    I used to cry at the bravery of the chumped, now I stand with them, and if I can do it anyone can.

    One trick I employed to catch my cheater was installing a free key logger. Search on utube for a step by step guide, you don’t have to be computer savvy. My cheater didn’t disappoint me. Within 24hrs I had his login details to 3 Casual/sex websites. Whadda Sleezeball :/

    • And one more thing Dear Jenn,

      This isn’t news to him! You are the one who is reeling from what he has been doing. Be strong you are already winning You are here with your tribe, we got your back Sister!!

      Much love to you,

      X

  • Hey Jenn,

    Three years ago, D-Day was me reading him and a friend-of-a-friend on Facebook that he was openly flirting with on Facebook in front of me. He was friends with all of my friends — not me though (yeah, I spackled that one)
    Anyway, he went out one Saturday afternoon leaving me money for dinner for me and DD, but for the first time ever, left his lap-top open and running. A few clicks later, I was reading live and in color his PM-ing said friend-of-friend, telling his plans of leaving me.
    Maybe I was too stunned or shocked to do anything else but his laundry that night (yep, true), but!!! I also called my closest friends immediately and told them what I had just discovered, I copied and pasted the whole thread between them and saved it to anjump drive then emailed myself the same conversation to my secret email address that I just created.
    I remember not crying, but laughing at how stupid he sounded trying to schmooze Schmoopie, but she didn’t seem into him…hahahhaaaa…
    That night, I smoldered and schemed of lining up my ducks.
    He eventually came home to me, I’m sure he expected a huge blow up or finding his shit on fire, or out in the front yard…
    Instead, he came home to his laundry done and quiet house.
    That Monday, I called my HR department and changed beneficiaries to all insurance policies and my retirement benefits. If I could, I would have taken him off my medical, dental insurance and the car insurance for his Shiterado I was paying for, but those would have to wait for five.months later until our divorce was final.
    I kept silent, waiting him out. For days, I acted like everything was fine e and refused to take his bait when he would ask, “Are you upset about anything? You seem upset about something…”
    He was trying to get me to confront him on the conversation as if he ***knew*** I knew it felt like…
    ^^^Spoiler alert: turns out, I found out a few weeks later during wreckonciliation, the he INTENTIONALLY left his laptop open that night…he wanted me to find out his plans on leaving, that he was cheating…^^^^
    Here’s the sick and twisted part of my D-Day: my husband of 13 years WATCHED ME DISCOVER his plans on leaving, his cheating on his phone —- he activated the webcam on the laptop through his phone!!!

    Words fail me even to this day, three+ years later of how vile my exh2 is.

    I hadn’t even discovered CL on D-Day, but I did almost everything right along her advice for you today.

    Be mighty!!!
    Cry tomorrow, fight today!!!

  • UnsinkableMollyX ~’D-Day: my husband of 13 years WATCHED ME DISCOVER his plans on leaving, his cheating on his phone’
    What a vile P.O.S, so glad you are free of him. ((HUGS))

    • Thank you, Berenike!!!
      Its absolutely true too. He confessed to that nugget during wreckonciliation, he actually laughed as I got righteously pissed off

  • I know this might be off-topic but in way, not. This is coming and it deals with the BIG CHEATS of the World that have impacted all our lives collectively. I care about Chump Nation…call me crazy but please have a look.

  • Get all your ducks in a row, and prepare yourself to go as low contact as you can from the cheater, then hit them from out of nowhere with the confrontation and relationship ending. Make it quick, make it as unemotional as you can, make it final, and stick to your contact limits afterwards.

    I had the luxury of going total and permanent no contact with the cheater, so I planned on the confrontation being the last time I would ever speak to him.

    And I went out with my head high and completely in control of the situation.

  • I wish I had the opportunity to do what Chumplady suggested, but my cheater was a bit different. He walked into our home after a three day “business trip” and confessed he had been with his Facebook Schmoopie and they were in love! I was just gobsmacked! I have to surmise that she threatened to tell me if he didn’t do that was why I got such a quick confession. I was lucky enough to find Chumplady at some point during all of this chaos. I have to admit my heart was more in control at that point, but it didn’t take long to see that I had the run of the mill, follow the cheater playbook kind of fuckwit. Human nature took hold of me and I wanted to try to make him see the light. I wanted him to realize he was simply buying into a fantasy, but nothing seemed to penetrate his pea brain. He was totally convinced that Schmoopie was the real deal and the answer to all his prayers. I look back now and I so wish I had been that strong woman who just packed his crap and set him to the curb. It took forever, it seemed, to get a divorce. I was pretty lucky because I got a great settlement. Somebody, somewhere was looking out for me during mediation. But anyone who knows my story also knows that just a few months later Mr. Cheater and Schmoopie broke up and guess where he landed? Yep! Right on my doorstep. He was sick (terminally), unemployed, broke and supposedly remorseful. I took care of him until the day he died. I don’t recommend it, but I did it, I think in some ways, to prove to him, what REAL love and dedication is. In the end I don’t believe it made a bit of difference to him. He was selfish to the end. They don’t care about you, the kids or anything but themselves. Jenn, I hope you line up your ducks and get the heck out ASAP! Follow the advice on Chumplady and move forward. I wish I had. Life is far too short to sit around hoping that some worthless cheater will become Mr. Noble! It ain’t gonna happen. You WILL be fine. Your KIDS will be fine too. I cringe when I look back on pick me dancing and playing marriage police. I so wish I had formulated a plan and just blew him out of the water. Too late for me, but not for you or some of the newbies. No man or cheating woman is worth your precious time!

  • When I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me, I made the mistake of confronting him. Denial and lies,lies,lies. And then I got royally pissed. I donned my flight suit, goggles and fired up the karma jet and rained napalm down on him! Who’s laughing now ?

    How do I change my screen name ?

    • SuckerPunched,

      At the top right of your screen you should see your pic. Click on it, “edit.profile”

  • I didn’t do the best job telling everyone. I had told myself if this day happened I just wanted to stay decently calm and not freak out. Well I did that. But I didn’t think I’d be telling another spouse about his wife. I couldn’t hold it in once I knew and called the main parties to tell them I knew. By the end of the day the MOW confessed, my ex never did to me or our family and still hasn’t. He’s a coward. In hindsite I should have been more tactical to get more money and take on less debt but who knows if it would have worked. Y’all are mighty for doing it that way. I’m in a no fault state so it would have only helped so much. I did kick him out ASAP and pushed a quick divorce. It hurt like hell but my heart caught up with my head a couple months later. I’m good!

  • You are mad, and it’s making you mighty! Good for You! But please don’t confront him in that mode. My cheater emotionally and financially abused me for nearly a decade, and engaged in self harm to manipulate me, but has never physically harmed me. Until I caught her off guard. And she sexually assaulted me. Protect yourself.

  • I wish I had had the luxury of deciding whether or not to confront my cheater. I had no idea anything was going on until the day I came home from work early and walked in on my ex and OWhore together in my bed. I was so stunned and embarrassed that I backed into the hall and waited for her to get dressed and leave before I spoke a word. Then I spent three hours sobbing and vomiting while my cheater stood there stone cold and gave me as few facts as he could.

    God, I wish I had been given the dignity of being able to fall apart alone, line up my ducks, and leave with my head high.

    • What an asshole. I hope since then his dick dissolved from some thus undiscovered, unnamed STD.

      • (((HUGS))) Kristen

        You survived an horrific ordeal, my heart goes out to you. I wish you healing & love
        I hope he has a shitty life ~ and karma repays him a X1000 fold. Bastard.

    • That’s just truly awful, the strength you have to survive that is tremendous, I’m in awe. Good luck for the future, you really do deserve it.

  • I’ve given this warning before but because of this post it bears repeating . Those of you with IT guys or girls for cheaters beware of them spying on you via your email . Mine had set up a blank BCC account that everything I received or sent was copied to him . While trying to get my ducks in a row he knew everything I was doing – emails from my lawyer, etc . — my advice is to create a new email !!!

    • It doesn’t hurt to wipe the computer first either. I used a keylogger program to spy on my ex. The keylogger program showed me his instant messaging and any emails he logged into and the passwords. If the IT cheater installed a keylogger program, they may be able to see the new email, visits to chumplady.com, etc. BUT, when I made the mistake of admitting how I found out to my ex, he did a clean reinstall of his pc, just like you might have to do if you had a bad virus and I lost access to what he was up to through my keylogger program. Of course, I already knew about his latest affair at that point. I had initiated separation a few weeks later and filed for divorce a few months after the last dday.

  • I know this is off subject but I am LIVE listening to a ‘not so happily married’ man – they’re not ‘quite divorced, but almost’ – hit on two drunk stupid blond chicks at the Embassy Suites in St. Louis. Who are also married but understanding and slurring. And excusing the fact that his wife does not admire him as much as she should. The stupidity is jarring. I need a live blog. His name is Jeff and he is from New Jersey.

    • Oh boy…I ended a blossoming friendship with a woman (turned out to be a mean drunk) who slept with some out of town businessman we met one night during dinner in a restaurant.

      We don’t share the same values.

  • After I found out about the affairs I stayed for a few weeks without him knowing. It was the worst 3 weeks of my life, acting like nothing was wrong. But I got a group of people and we hatched a plan. He was tracking me on my phone so I got another, it was all extremely intense. I chose DDay I confronted him with the help of a church elder. I asked him to leave the house. He did and I changed the locks. I recorded any contact I had with him. I was super controled I did a lot right. But sadly I did start to drink and that became a problem. So I agree with making sure you don’t drink cause u don’t know where that will end.

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