Dear Chump Lady
I am no contact with my ex-boyfriend, and have been since August. He “wanted a break” in January, but I didn’t know that he already had his vastly inferior-to-me girlfriend already waiting in the wings.
At this time, he would hoover me in once a month using some pretense (documents he could throw away, trinkets and gifts he wanted to give me/give back, you know what’s coming next). Have sex with me for a day/weekend, then not hear from him a whole month.
D-Day was in April, and I broke up with him two days later. He continued to hoover and I was high on hopium. He would find some excuse to meet up, we would, then have sex, and I would not hear from him. April to July’s excuse was he wanted to “work things out”.
He wanted me to do the pick-me-dance and asked me to arrange for counseling. I told him there was no reason to since he was with her, why even bother, etc. He said that he didn’t love her, and please book us a session. Chump that I was, I did.
He left 10 minutes after the second session. Anyway, the last time I was chumped again after a successful hoovering was in August. He “missed us.” We (he, my child and I) went swimming/had a picnic, and I ended sleeping with him again. This was a Monday. On Friday, My child and I bumped into him with his girlfriend at the supermarket the same week.
It felt like a sucker punch to the gut and I cut off all contact/blocked him. I sent him a letter declaring my no contact, and that was all the closure I needed. He had been trying to hoover me again and I have been holding strong so far. He finally stopped bugging me two weeks ago. I decided to stop stalking his and his girlfriend’s Facebook and social media last week, things are looking good.
My Masters degree graduation from University is coming up in October. My ex was my rock and pillar of strength at that time. He helped me financially when things got tight, he took care of my son/babysat when I had the late or night shift at work, edited my papers, etc. So I feel that I owe him a debt of gratitude for the two years he was there for us. I obviously did not invite him to the ceremony or to the after-party. I was planning to send him a message on Whatsapp with a picture of my diploma with a caption saying “thank you”. However, I feel uneasy about this because I don’t want to open another avenue for him to try to hoover me back. I just want to thank him. I just want to do the right thing.
Thanks for listening,
I have a Ph.D. in bullshit. You absolutely want to open another avenue for him to hoover you back. You could open a Dyson dealership with all that hoovering.
Let me be clear about the chump condition and what it is to be chumped.
He “wanted a break” in January, but I didn’t know that he already had his vastly inferior-to-me girlfriend already waiting in the wings.
That’s being chumped. You were unaware he was cheating on you.
Now you have KNOWLEDGE that he is a cheater. What comes next?
he would hoover me in once a month using some pretense
Have sex with me for a day/weekend, then not hear from him a whole month.
I was chumped again after a successful hoovering
No, you were not chumped. You know he’s cheated on you and OW is still around, but he doesn’t “love” her. Volunteer.
I ended sleeping with him
YOU HAVE AGENCY.
What you’re describing is a willful obliviousness to who he is. People who ghost you for a MONTH are demonstrably NOT trying to “work things out.” They’re booty calling you.
I get wishing, hoping, praying that it’s something more. I understand the hallucinogenic qualities of hopium. But at no moment after D-Day did this asswipe give you one sparkle-toss of his mane suggesting he might be a unicorn. He kept his girlfriend, demanded that YOU fix “us” and book the shrink appointment, and used you for sex.
Now you want to invite this guy to your GRADUATION?
Who’s hoovering who here? Stop stalking his social media. Stop allowing him into your life. STOP giving him YOUR power.
I sent him a letter declaring my no contact,
You know what says “no contact”?
You know what says “Hi, I’m available for boundary trampling and recreational dick sucking”?
INVITING HIM TO YOUR GRADUATION.
He babysat your child? Great. So will 100K people on care.com — for a price far less than your self-esteem. Heck, they’ll probably edit your papers too.
YOU set the price on your worth. NOT him. YOU decide who is worthy of sharing your accomplishments and your time.
A guy who cheats on you, fucks you and doesn’t call you for a month? NOT WORTHY.
Of course, that’s my opinion. Doesn’t matter what I think. I don’t set the price on your self-worth, you do.
But since you asked, I say matriculate into a new life. Without him.