I had the pleasure last evening to be on the BBC Radio show “After the Watershed” talking about life post-infidelity. (Have a listen!)
One of the presenters, Sarah, had been chumped horribly — had four kids with her cheater, discovered her ex’s double life when the youngest was a toddler, performed a two-year long Pick Me Dance, and then her ex left for his affair partner. The Schmoopies are now married and have quite the social media presence. There are romantic vacations, breakfasts in bed, high thread-count bed sheets, castles, sushi, unicorns… Okay, I don’t know about the sushi and unicorns, but suffice it to say, it’s FABULOUS.
And Sarah asked, “What if she’s really The One? The person he can actually be happy with? And I wasn’t?”
And I replied (I hope not too flippantly, because this is really painful shit) — “Not your problem.”
It doesn’t matter. Will he better for the next one? I doubt it. Your only data point here is he was terrible for YOU. That relationship was unacceptable. You can’t go back in time and make it better. You have to deal with the reality you were dealt — the guy walked out on his wife and four children.
How you interpret that, and this guy’s value as a partner, depends on what YOUR values are. He didn’t leave the relationship ethically. (Double life, faux remorse, cake eating — and do listen for the story of Two Christmas Dinners…) He is a BAD PERSON.
If you jettison the responsibilities of four children, and choose someone without morals or stretch marks — well, maybe Sir, you have met your match. In vapidity and malfeasance.
I’m sure life is easier for him — he’s saddled someone else with all the adult-ing work and the injustice of abandonment. And if you’re not tethered to a conscience, sure, you can enjoy a LOT of sushi.
But real joy, in my opinion, is authentically connecting to people — people worthy of you. Who don’t mindfuck you, or play the Switzerland friend with false equivalencies and forced forgiveness. You want to heal? You need a better tribe.
This guy doesn’t measure up. Who gives a shit about his breakfast? Or the pod person he shares it with.
The world is full of injustice — injustice like raising four kids on your own, while some fuckboy Instagrams croissants — the pain of that is REAL. And most people are weak, and accommodating. Sycophantic. They will like his posts and buy into his All For The Best narrative.
Not a damn thing you can do about it. Focus on your new life. And unfollow Mr. Happy today.