Your Mightiest Moment?
You know I’m all about the Mighty here. Facing adversity, building a new life, managing to eat Whole 30 for a whole 30 days…
Today’s fun Friday challenge is to tell me One Mighty Moment when you were your best self. Unlike our typical “Tell Me How You’re Mighty” challenges, which tend to be a litany of accomplishments (because you guys are badasses) — I want the telling detail. The nope, I’m not playing that game, and then I turned on my heel and enrolled in medical school kind of story.
Maybe someone laughed at your joke and you remembered you were funny.
Maybe you stopped trying to save someone from their worst excesses and took up knitting instead, and now have some amazing afghans. (And spoiler alert — that person is still a colossal fuck up.)
Maybe you let some mindfuckery wash over you instead of engaging with it.
Or hey, maybe you left a cheater and finished your masters degree like Rarity there in the photo. You can read her astounding Tale of Mightiness here.
There are so many ways to be mighty.
Tell me about them! And TGIF!
In the 3 years since he left: Bought a house, bought a car, got a job, went to grad school and finished for a higher paycheck (hardest thing I’ve ever done), got 100% custody of the kids, successfullt fought for my child support rights in court, built up my savings account, taught my kid to drive, joined a church, made some good friends, got closer to my family.
Superwoman!
That’s fantastic. Hats off to you!
If I am mighty, it’s on the inside. I wish I had a lot of the outer accomplishments of mighty to compensate for the horror movie I have been living in for a year. Hopefully I will. I feel so incapable of what I am reading about the outer accomplishments of everyone here….I have to believe if you all can I can too.
My inner mighty?
It took me six months to overcome the agony of “if only I had done/said X….if only I hadn’t done/said X” and get to “this has ZERO to do with me!! Why did HE do/say X?!!! Why didn’t HE do/say X?!!”
I am asking myself “what do I want?” rather than “what does HE want?”
Initially I wanted to fix this. What I really wanted was an alien mind-wipe.
I did not want to be divorced. But I CANNOT be married to someone who intentionally brutally assaulted me and my daughter emotionally, mentally, spiritually.
Someone who intentionally caused this much harm and pain and trauma cannot be my husband.
I did not run out to find a warm body to replace him. I did that in 1988 when I was chumped. I am too traumatized and need to focus on healing me and my daughter.
I am ON MY OWN and glad to be so. I was glad to be on my own when I met him at 27 years old….I can get there again.
I now wonder WTF is wrong with HIM rather than agonizing over my defects.
I showed up in counseling for 27 years, maintained my sobriety/recovery, did not lie or cheat….he didn’t get to check ANY of those boxes for who knows how long.
I can learn to do anything he does or I can ask for help or I can hire help.
I’m not making lemonade at my house, Beyoncé. When life gives you lemons, squeeze ‘em in the eyes of your assailant.
Having my world as I knew it blown to smithereens, I am discovering powers I didn’t know I had. Rent “Finding Joe”….we are all on the hero’s journey. I have it on DVD and it plays on a loop when I’m at home working.
Bottom line? I am still in Fake It Till You Make It mode a lot of the time. But if it’s the wrong relationship there’s nothing you can do to fix it. Lying and cheating and failing to communicate and possibly using/drinking and ignoring issues and starving/sabotaging the relationship means it’s the wrong relationship for me.
He beat me up inside
Invisible wounds of the worst kind
He made me cry
It felt like blood flowed from my eyes
And he enlisted someone to help him.
This is not love.
Velvet Hammer – I am so proud of you!! You are amazing! You inspire me with every post! Chin up! You ROCK!! My story is found in yours. I am Grateful for such a mighty warrior to help show me the way to do the most important work for me – inner work. ????????❤️????????????????????????
All Hail Chump Lady and Chump Nation!
…..and they got my little girl too…..
????
This is the whole deal, Velvet Hammer. This inner change drives outer change.
“I am asking myself “what do I want?” rather than “what does HE want?” Or what is he thinking? Or what is he doing? Shifting from being outer directed to inner directed is the most important work you can do. Some people start with things like school, moving, new job, etc. Others (like you and me) knew that the work for us was inner. I DID things in the first year (even baking!) but the big work for me was inner work.
And I hope everyone who reads here ponders these words:
“He beat me up inside
Invisible wounds of the worst kind
He made me cry
It felt like blood flowed from my eyes
And he enlisted someone to help him.
This is not love.”
Indeed. This is not love.
@Velvet Hammer – yours are the greatest of accomplishments! You don’t have anything to prove to anybody! You are pretty amazing, and so right even after two years I am in the fake it till you make it mode at times. You already made it in my opinion!
Incredible mightiness is shown in the most insightful contributions you share regularly on this blog. Own it and stand strong!
Velvet Hammer…it’s taken me YEARS to get to mighty. It takes what it takes. We all get there on our own time line. First, we had to recover from a horrific trauma before we could even move. I was hopeless the first two years. But slowly, very s-l-o-w-l-y I recovered. You will too.
Love your ending poem and squeezing the lemons in the eyes of your assailant. Words to live by. Hugs!
“I’m not making lemonade at my house, Beyoncé. When life gives you lemons, squeeze ‘em in the eyes of your assailant.”
FANTASTIC!
That was pretty funny, huh? I made myself laugh even.
Velvet Hammer, there is nothing more mighty than the inner work you have done. Despite the fact that what you have achieved may be invisible to others, you have fought back against the lies you have been told which have made you doubt yourself and doubt what you knew about the world. You have made the incredibly brave steps to remove this poison from your life, despite no longer knowing if you can even trust yourself. I hear your pain, I see your courage and I know you are absolutely MIGHTY.
I wish there were a like button! This is so true: your mighty future hinges on the inner work that must be done to get from untangling the skeins and getting to “trust that they suck” but it’s sososososo difficult and painful. So good for you, Velvet Hammer. You are mighty!
“Velvet Hammer, there is nothing more mighty than the inner work you have done.”
So true – the inner stuff is the hardest. But you are building a rock solid foundation upon which to build your new life. This new life may or may not come with a list of impressive accomplishments but it will be yours and you will be proud of it and of yourself. There is nothing wrong with a life that is humble and simple. In fact, that desirable state can be very difficult to achieve as many chumps will attest. For a while, I had a huge sense of accomplishment and pride because I bought the lawn mower that I wanted – you know one with an electric starter. I smile right now I as I think back on that small act of defiance. 8 years later I still love that little green mower.
Be gentle with yourself Velvet Hammer. The road to mighty is paved with a gazillion small steps and many of them are invisible – even to those who know and love you.
Thank you for the encouragement. I could use it today especially….I am leaking energy from First Ever Mediation Baby Step yesterday….
He is a rotten apple!
I don’t eat rotten apples!
????????
I also no longer want to be on the marriage police force or the world’s best PI…no more “Book ‘me, Danno!” me….turning in my ????♀️????????????
Wowza! Mustard you are an inspiration!
Oh my! I feel like a loser here:) but so empowering to read these stories. Great job, Mustard Seed!
The day a thought burst through out of the blue “ I’m glad he is gone”
Fabulous list of accomplishments, Mustard Seed!
I feel mighty everytime I look at my finances and have no surprises.
And that I have carried on blameshift-free. Oh my, does THAT feel mighty!
I feel safe now.
Simple as that.
Same here Clearwaters. I like to sit on my bed surrounded by my bank statements and yell “hey, I’m still in the black”!
Exactly the financial terrorism was the worst. Making me feel like i was spending too much on food groceries while he was ordering every dam bike gadget going (and getting them sent to his work obviously ) then if i dared question the need for yet another fluorescent whatever he would whine about how i was nagging him. You learn pretty quick to shut down cos you know where the conversation is going to end.
I have stopped questioning ex about the affair, realised that I will never get the truth. Maintained home, stayed positive for myself and kids. Daughter no1 got second place in maths, school said she is one of their best students, daughter no2, has special needs, is a librarian assistant and lunchtime monitor, received 396 positive points in one year. Trying for better job prospects, maybe higher education
Yes,
Yes!
I realized that perhaps I am mighty when an audience of over 1,000 people gave me a standing ovation; many of them were crying!
I was recently invited to speak at a convention about my post-DDay battle with depression. All I did was tell the story about the person they saw on the stage (me) and the story about the person they couldn’t see on the stage (everything that my mind had gone thru after indfidelity).
I stood on that stage astonished that others saw me as an inspiration.
Huge, amazing moment.
That is amazing!
Speaking your truth, instead of worrying about impression management, is truly one of the mightiest things you can do. And, in doing so, you show others that it is OK to speak their truth, too.
I applaud your bravery, and hope to get there someday. To take the step out of the darkness and into the unknown zone of…….judgement, truth, what-will-people-think, is a huge step towards healing.
I finally spoke out about my rape when I was 10 years old, “came out” on Facebook, only a couple of years ago, when I was 57. The outpouring of support I got was amazing and overwhelming. And, to my surprise, the old wound healed.
While my body wasn’t raped this time, my soul certainly was. And although I am not there yet, another post will be coming regarding infidelity on FB. I will not deny my truth much longer.
Coming back to to speak at a convention in front of all those people about your post-infidelity struggle w/depression and how you survived? CL’s right. You are a bona fide inspiration to us all.
Oooh, Chump Lady, is it possible that you guest invite Rebecca to write a summary of her speech for us?
So much about being a chump is about the courage to keep on living when you are in so much pain, and then finding slowly that actually, life really IS better on the other side.
Great idea. Maybe we can have a meet-up and Rebecca keynotes. 🙂
Patsy and CL – GREAT IDEA!! I would love to read her keynotes! ????
That sounds awesome!!!
Sorry, posted too soon –
and it sounds as though Rebecca really spoke to that room about this.
Wow Rebecca! I wish I could have been there to cheer you on!
You ARE an inspiration!
Rebecca – I agree with CL! You ARE an inspiration!! ???????????????????????????????????????? ????
Aww, thanks CL ????
That is mightiest of the mighty!!
Since I kicked my STBX out. I am saving money. Sleeping soundly for the first time in years. I feel mighty every morning waking up happy and cheater free.
When I bought the dated “eyesore” of the block, spent 3 years renovating, mostly (80%) by myself, while working full time, introduced myself to the new neighbors Halloween eve. They said “Oh, YOU’RE the one that lives in the beautiful house?!?!”
Yup. My litter hipster house and I are doing very well.
Nice Magneto!
What an accomplishment! Yay!
It’s been a week since I shed a tear for the Dickhead. My heart is finally catching up to my head, and I am starting to see that he is a disordered cheater with no soul. My mightiness is propelling me to move forward with clarity and purpose, with no turning back. I can see Meh on the horizon.
I still remember the shock of going a week without tears. That’s a landmark day!
keep those eyes dry! you will see better! Courage MissBailey!
I finished building my horse farm! I started realizing I did not need someone else to fulfill my dreams. It was an illusion all along. Now I’m hoping to find someone else who shares my dreams, and respects commitment and fidelity…
Still going through grief stages but all in all Life is good.
A horse farm?! How exciting! I wish I knew you IRL so I could come for some farmwork therapy! I grew up on a gentlemens’ 25 acre farm with horses, goats, chicken, beef cows, fruit trees and Christmas trees. Those were some happy times. Way to go!!!!!
Horses are great therapy. My two have gotten me through so many bad days. Nothing like kissing a horses nose to brighten your day. congrats on following your dreams.
Did my first unit of Clinical Pastoral Care helping patients at a Trauma One center including overnights while my (now ex) wife was cheating on me. Continued on to a miraculously landing a CPE residency and not looking back as a chaplain.
DM…when I was in CPE…one day I was trying to write a verbatim and nowdeadcheater was in a rage and literally ripped the storm door off the front of the house and was threatening to go hurt someone (I cant remember who) but I quietly tapped away pretending I could hide my fear and horror which (as you might imagine) bled into my verbatim and at some point I coughed up a few tiny clues that I was in an abusive marriage.
During that same time, my personality disordered parents were on some warpath with me (I had drawn a boundary with them). I reluctantly visited them when I was in their city and offered some vulnerability sharing the recent story of being the Chaplain in a massive trauma where I (also a nurse) saw the trauma surgeon about to make a mistake and I had a split second to decide what to do. The patient died and I had did the pastoral care. After hearing my story my mom summarily dismissed the whole thing with “well, how often does THAT happen?”.
That was such a terrifying time…to know I had 3 kids and neither my parents nor spouse could be counted on. Im surprised that I survived that time and now can tell the tale.
Unicornnomore, I relate so wholly to your story— I’m very sorry you were on your own too.
I know this may sound foreign here, but my parents are worse than my nowdeadcheater was 99% of the time (with the 1% being the worst monstering just before and after Dday). As a nurse, I knew that any new job I might get would have me start out with nightshifts and I could never figure out how I could take that first step alone. People here have experienced worse and made it, but I couldnt take that first step away without help. If my parents had been kind, I would have run to them.
I too, can relate to a cheater ex AND bad parents. I somehow believe that we chumps were somehow brought up to think that we did not deserve any better and that is how we ended up being chumps. Only now am I finally setting boundaries and trying to understand that it is ok to have wants and needs.
Not My Fault – YES!!!! This!
Me three, and it is a long journey, but a worthwhile one. Having monsters for parents gives a person a lot to unlearn, but we get there eventually and then, boy, do we have great boundaries
I can relate to getting stronger boundaries too because of bad parents and a cheater. Most recently I reconnected with someone I dated 12 years ago. We talked quite a while on the phone one night and I didn’t talk to him the next day. I received pages and pages of text messages saying the most outrageous things like we need to be together and never give up on each other blah blah blah. I was like this is Red Flag City one conversation no contact in 12 years so I said I don’t want a boyfriend after all. He then asked me if I would had been drinking so I just blocked and deleted him. That may not sound like much but I saw a red flags felt buttons pushed and ended it right then and there. At first it felt weird because I am conditioned to be nice but I thought f*** it this is nuts!
unicornomore, That is awful. I don’t know what I would have done without the support of my parents through those awful times. Glad you found this community!
You are mighty, Unicornomore, you are mighty. (hugs and smiles).
Congratulations! That is a brutal rotation. I worked with chaplains and they are some of the greatest coworkers I have ever worked with.
Thanks, Gonegirl!
I still like who I am when I face myself in the mirror.
I trust my instincts again.
I lead with love.
I choose happiness.
I’m single parenting -as in 100% of the parenting, and working full time trying to grow a career. I have amazing friends whom I love and trust. I can easily walk away from toxic people.
I’m grateful for my life.
I. Moved. On.
Not a single golf club thrown.
The Dickhead was famous for throwing things in his fits of anger. His hunting bow, little putt-putt golf club (yes, the Dickhead would throw a fit if he wasn’t winning, even at miniature golf), a hand of Uno cards (see golf clubs) – would all get thrown when he was pissed off or angry because he wasn’t winning. It was very rare that he played any game and didn’t get pissed off.
To everyone of us; you are mighty because you are better than this! These fuckface don’t deserve any of us!
In 2 years since discovery, i have continued to run the financials of our family business, won national awards, negotiated best commodity price for our business EVER; & run my own 70 hour week business. Is it mighty? No; it’s reality! Am I better than the shitstorm? Absfuckinglutly!
I have also sat my exams for grad entry into medicine(missed out on interview by 2 marks! Because of all of the above. I have helped to write million dollar genetics contracts, obtained private rulings on our
Two marks is VERY close! Almost there. KEEP GOING! And hey, if that doesn’t pan out, you’ve got a super successful business to fall back on. Live your dreams.
Became immediately closer to my family
Met some awesome new peeps from Chump Nation in real life at meet ups and made some really great friends.
Spent a year helping my parents thin their 40 years of “inventory” so they could sell their house and move closer to my sister and significant other-now I am able to see them all much more frequently because I moved closer to them shortly there after.
Started and Finished my MS degree; did a one year project concurrently that earned me a Six Sigma Black Belt.
Had to take out a 10 year student loan for my degree but I paid it off before the first payment was due!
Earned two promotions at work; received decent raises and now will be traveling frequently to our different sites.
Cleared all debt-and have a great credit score
Contribute to my 401K and IRA every month
I have more savings than when I left a cheater and gained a life!
I was with cheater ex for 24 years when my dday occurred and stayed for a heaping dose of wreckconciliation for 3 years after that so I know all about sunk costs. Fortunately I found CL and CN and realized it was a bad investment.
Life is better on the other side!
Cheers!!
CS, you played an important part in my determination to live better. Always an inspiration.
Despite still being a mess emotionally and so many physical illness and a feed tube after surgery I still managed to use my medical training to assist at a nasty road accident where a 84 man bullseyed the windscreen, he face was badly damaged and I had to stem bleeding until I’d colleagues arrived and he was airlifted to hospital. I organised the scene, triaged casualties. My children were there and said how proud they were. I just went into the mode I was trained for . Now I’m back to that mess again, crying, missing him after 27 years, have feelings for him and jealous of her. I’m glad I still had some confidence but wish I could stop thinking about them.
Carol2706, you are so mighty. You are a loving person, and you have shown you use your power for good. I also was chumped for what I now know was the final time after 27 years of marriage, and I understand how hard it is to change the habit of most of your life of loving a particular person, even when they choose not to love you. But one day you will wake up and realise that you are so much more without him than you were together and your better life will begin. You are mighty and you will be okay.
My ex brainwashed my kids against me. Men can be replaced, our kids not. A real man would not have betrayed you.
This statement is the truest – Mitz – how do you deal with the brainwashed children – the ones who can’t see poor character for what it is, even when it’s related biologically?
Often times, we hear, give it time, they’ll figure it out. But, is there a way, a method, an example to set so that they can understand, see the very clear difference between lousy behavior and what’s right/wrong?
The best way to counter a cheater who demonizes the faithful spouse is to live better and by example.
The harm is intentional, can be subtle and prolonged. One of the most difficult things is to step back and maintain boundaries with teens and adult children.
Cheaters expose themselves over time as they rarely work on themselves and decisions are always based on entitlement and immediacy.
Live better. Avoid triangulation with the disordered.
Lessen the importance of what the cheater thinks or says.
What chesater model is instant gratification. There’s no long term commitment to others needs. Kids figure that out over time in my opinion.
I would love to know this secret too!
You save lives. He destroys them. He’s not in your league.
Way to sum it up, CL!
Your children were proud of you! The recipients of your actions grateful.
What comes to you naturally the cheater lacked.
You’re amazing.
Carol2706, YOU ROCK! Your kids are right to be proud! Lucky for them they have an AWESOME MOM!
And you got this. You will survive. (Gloria Gaynor’s I WILL SURVIVE is a great pick me up song to listen to – try it if you haven’t yet!)
Time heals. Hard to believe when you’re still thinking obsessively about that sparkly turd and the OW, but that obsessive thinking is typical of grief and it lessens in time. We are mourning the relationship we thought we had and would have into our golden years. I know because my thinking about him was nearly filling up my every waking moment for awhile there. And I still don’t go a day without some thoughts of him, but boy the quantity of brain time/space given to him is WAY down.
It really gets better! Promise!
Our genetics income and kicked arse at every level. Was I ever good enough for Limp Dick? No. Do I ever want to be? NO!!!!!
As a 61 year old abandoned woman,
I will build a fabulous interesting life, I will leave this world a better place for so many reasons. And I know I am good enough! That’s enough! Believe in yourselves you fierce warrior men & women. We deserved so much better and now it’s time to reclaim that space! Go rustle up that hallelujah choir and make our collective walls sing with joy and happiness. You owe it to yourself!
You sound so amazing ozziechump. I wish you were my neighbor *smiles*
Thank you! I’m always happy to talk on messenger or Skype! We all need to harness our badass best and forge on!
Tempest could probably hook us up. If she sees this ….please do! Thanks.
The Arrogant Ass (AA) always made me feel like nothing that I was, nothing I did, was good enough for him. According to him, I wasn’t pretty enough, fit enough, smart enough. My cooking, housekeeping, conversation, lovemaking…never up to his standards. I was telling this to my therapist, and suddenly the light just went on…I exclaimed, “Hell, no! I was TOO GOOD for his sorry ass! He should have been grateful to have me!”
Her eyes lit up and she said, “Yes! Say that again!”
Ozziechump! Much love to ya! Sorry to hear you missed out by just two marks, that sucks!! You’re such a hard worker – I am in awe of your ambition and gumption ???????????????????? Limp dick can have his swamp hoe. You’ve got bigger and better things to do in this life. Hope I can come back and visit you someday xx
Dear Left him,
Thank you so much. So I missed out by 2 marks! That’s because I was working 80-90 hours a week and couldn’t study any harder! When I walked into the exams I knew I was not across my subjects! I am selling the bakery so I can properly address my ambition and I would absolutely love to see you again one day! Don’t worry; I will get there!
Keep going!
My ex told me about his special friend and explained how he wanted to “live the second half of life happy.” He did say we should stay roommates (I make a good nanny and housekeeper) and threatened me if I dare try to kick him out or divorce (he’s a lawyer which made for extra fun). He did also say I should “give him two years because that’s how long the typical affair lasts.” I retained a lawyer who insisted I file immediately and file a motion to have me in the primary residence and him out. After he moved out I got some clarity. He threatened, stalked, and tried to destroy me (did lovely things like close bank accounts and credit cards). I was a stay at home mom of three (one with special needs) ages 11, 7, and 3 at the time. I remember at one point before the divorce was final I had access to $47 – I had maxed out the two credit cards I had in my name only – with three kids. My parents had my back and were handing me envelopes of cash so they made sure we were okay. Their father didn’t care if they had food. He had been cheating on me for years and I had just refused to acknowledge it – choosing instead to taking care of the kids. What an ass!! I turned into high gear. I did everything my lawyer told me to. I figured out my bare bones budget and went back to school. I got our home ready to sell – sold it in two days – bought a condo (with my parents help) that was hideous but a bargain and with my portion of the proceeds from the house made it mine. I went back to school to become a physical therapist assistant and graduated with honors. I have a full time job right down the street from where we live. Meanwhile my ex had a revolving door of women, got a DUI (it got erased from his record – cause you can do that when you have money and are a lawyer), lived in four crappy apartments in five years, etc. He now has a ginormous house with his girlfriend and her girls and plays up being an involved (controlling) parent. His income is 10 times mine but it doesn’t matter. My kids consider our little condo home. They know I love them. Money can’t buy happiness. My kids and I are happy. I have peace. I am proud.
Beyond mighty… xoxoxo
Woo-hoo! Vickie is a badass!! She got her own home – And she don’t care that ex-f**kface earns more, lives in a bigger house, etc. This ???????? ???? To be happy and content with what one has, to be thankful for that, this is what we all need. Love it, Vickie. So happy for you xx
That is an AMAZING story of MIGHTY.
I wish I could comment on every post… heading out to work now. But will return. I love these stories. You guys are why I do this.
Vickie – that is indeed mighty!
A bit quirky, but I feel the warm glow of my mighty moment every time I walk past my kids messy bedrooms.
To explain, Shimmy Shammer told myself and the kids that they needed to tidy their rooms because our home was going to to be sold pronto so Shimmy Shammer could move on with their life.
3 years on from DDay and I quietly smile to myself at their ‘lived in interior decorating styling’ every time 🙂
I have a lot of little moments like this, too. Aloe vera plants make me laugh. A collection of Christmas snowmen is like my own inside joke at STBX’s expense. These small triumphs would sound weird to the unchumped or unabused. But to me, they are signs that I’m moving on, can see the absurdity of his behavior, and that my sense of self and humor are intact despite his attempt to destroy them.
Enough and Riley,
This is really helpful! One of the reasons I stayed was that I didn’t want to lose these kinds of inside jokes that only the two of us could understand. And later, he used that same reason on me to manipulate me, and I thought, oh, he’s invested in us, too.
I wasn’t in a mental place then (hadn’t yet done the work Velvet Hammer writes about having done) to be able to flip that script and realize that there would be opportunities to make new inside jokes, traditions, and triumphs. Now I’m looking forward to doing just that–with the friends I’ve been able to reconnect with.
I had a moment of reflection last night at a basketball game. It’s been almost 3 years since I visited this arena, and it was 2 days before her EA turned into a PA. While we were out that night having what I thought was a good time, she knew what she was going to be doing 2 days later….
The reason why I was reflecting is, I was courtside, last time I was there I was at the top of the arena. The reason I was courtside is I am a student at the biggest university in my state after graduating with an associates last spring! The view for where I am at was amazing! I actually vowed to never sit that high again after my last trip there here I am 5 rows out getting weird looks from people being 39 in the student section, and I have no fear of it. These $50 season tickets are going to be great the next three years and I can bring my kids sometimes!
Loved ed this as I too have a basketball arena comparison memory. Almost 7 years ago right after D-Day my 8 year old son sunk a half time half court shot at our high school game as were there to watch friends. I remember how happy and excited he was, then sad that his ball player Dad wasn’t there to see it. I cried for him. But now, the same boy at 15 and standing 6’5” tall is on that team and has figured out his dad’s true colors and told him he is not welcome to watch. I don’t miss a game and he knows I’m his biggest fan. The kids and I live a simple peaceful life – we have enough.
That is mighty and a great example for your children. Rock on, Basketballdad!!
After serving the ex divorce papers at the Owhore’s house ( he was spending the weekend with her) I felt in control for once. I had reached the end of ignoring the red flags & realized my mental & physical health was at stake.
Threw him in the basement where he tormented me but
eventually he had to leave when I bought him out of the home. With tears in my eyes I felt mighty that I took my life back from a cruel evil sociopath. 3 years out now but the pain lessens as I move forward.
Bless us all here at CN. ❤️
I was Lucky to find CN early after DDay. I read And reread the posts everyday. My story is similar to everyone else. 19 yr marriage, thought he was Superman and the love of my life. Found out he had a double life and an affair with an older colleague. I kicked him out three days after I got The ILYBINiLWU speech. 3 weeks later I found out about the OW. I filed that day for Fault in my state. I never Did the pick me dance.
When was my mightiest moment? Everyday. Everyday I focus on moving forward. Everyday I remind myself that I’m worth more than being in an unhealthy relationship. Everyday I look at my DD and silently say to myself: god forbid you are in a relationship with a cheater/abuser/asshole someday. You will have seen your mom walk away with dignity and show you that you not only survive but thrive.
I’m 5 months out from DDay. I’ve got a long way to go for the financial settlement but I will continue to be mighty everyday.
Thank you CL and CN for sharing your experiences and support!
Amy I love you for writing this comment!!!
I built a fence. I fenced in the whole backyard. I bought a house on a block w/ an eagle’s nest and that’s cool, but I built a fucking fence. Myself. Well, my dad helped drill post holes, and that was fun, but the rest was all me.
It looks cool— I went horizontal and modern…and it’s still standing!
Never did that before….now I can build ANYTHING. (Ha!)
That is super cool!
So mighty!
I’m still here fighting advanced cancer every day while he’s disappeared, off who knows where, with a new phone number, building his new life with OW as if I never existed.
There has just got to be some healing for you in getting rid of Mr. Not Love. I think the karma bus has arrived….picking YOU up and taking you away from an evil cruel person.
I am so deeply sorry for what you are going through…I had a breast lump this summer and felt so alone going to the biopsy by myself. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling….please keep letting us know how you are.
Suzie Q…pretty damn mighty !! You matter, not that fuckwit !
Thank you. 🙂 I’m waiting for that karma bus though. He essentially abandoned me without bothering to even divorce and he’s off getting promotions and living large while I’m unable to work and sinking more and more in debt.
Can you get an emergency spousal support order?
That’s a good idea.
Hang in there SuzieQ — having to do battle with a fuckwit *and* cancer seems terribly unfair.
SusieQ, karma already hit him. He is with OW. Two shallow cheaters are with each other. Wonder how they talk about their wonderful relationship and trust each other knowing full well what the other had done. You take care of yourself.
(((hugs)))
SuziQ,
When you lose a cheater, you gain a life. Health, wealth and vitality will be restored in your life now. Keep going!
How do I know this?
34 years of trying to please an unpleaseable, unhappy and abusive cheater and I received a highly aggressive cancer diagnosis 3 years ago.
I made the choice to save my own life and kicked the serial cheater out.
While I’m still in treatment, I just celebrated one year no evidence of disease. I re-gained my life and am not looking back.
Cheater? Karma? He married his 20 year younger back page massage parlor whore and has a 1-year old baby at 56.
He’s become a sad cliche that no one in our life together resprects or has a relationship with. Just him, his whore, their wuv child (feel so sorry for innocent child), diapers, bottles, sleepless nights and image management so he can stay in his elderly narc parents will.
I’m loving life single, cancer-free and abuse free. Enjoying my grandkids. I just booked a trip to Bali and plan to get certified in scuba diving while there. Life is beautiful!
Know it gets better. Huge hugs! Sending you cancer-free energy.
My mightiest moments have been returning to my old self. I saw my vet, who is an old family friend since we’ve taken our dogs to her for so long. I gave her the high level overview of what had happened. She expressed her compassion and then said “You had been withdrawn for so long but are vibrant again. You’re back!” It felt so good after years of being made to believe that I had turned into a horrible person.
The other was a couple weeks ago. I looked in the mirror and marvelled that I looked pretty again. It took me a little while to realize that it was due to the happiness shining through my face. I can’t say I see that every day, but it feels *so* good to be genuinely happy at least some of the time.
I compared a pic of myself, from Halloween last year, when I was in the depths of despair, to this year, and the difference is astounding. My eyes are brighter, my skin is glowing. Wow. I felt really pleased at how different I appear.
D-Day adds 10 years. A year of no contact takes off 15.
I’m rocking it as a mommy. My kids are kind and loving and doing great at school. They are both in the school districts gifted program. The other day, I got a random call from my daughter’s teacher, telling me how kind my daughter is and how she always helps her classmates.
One of my sons classmate’s mom approached me last school year, telling me how my son stood up for her daughter when she was being bullied.
My kids are amazing. And I’m proud of who they are becoming.
On a personal accomplishment, I’m finally back in school, and currently getting straight A’s. It took me two years to figure out what I wanted to with my post divorce life. It was time I needed to pull myself together.
Oh, and over the past few weeks, I redid my dining room/office area, and it looks amazing! I even painted on my office desks, and when I stood back and looked at the images, I could honestly say I did a great job!
Straight As! Well done! And good on your kids for being good people. I’m sure they get it from their mom.
My XW said I could never live on my own because I am disabled. That I would come crawling back to her. Well, I have been living on my own since January. Paying my bills, grocery shopping, etc. Plus having the kids and taking care of my parents. I have proved her wrong. She also said that no woman would want me. I have reconnected with an old girlfriend and she loves who I am. I have been Mighty. Still have to work on “Meh”.
Way to be mighty!
NICE!!!! Go you, Sir!!!
I sold our home for $250k more than the value he was paid out on 3 months after our financial settlement. I bought a smaller property and fixed it up. I am working on building my business back up and back to driving a school bus for added income ( as I did when my kids were little). I am 58 and have started over and I’m rocking it—have lots of friends am very involved in the community theatre groups in my town and have a bf that loves me and I have firm boundaries with. My kids and I are a strong family unit. He still tries to keep a relationship with his daughter( the “chosen” one) but she knows not to trust him. I’m largely at meh…
The mightiest thing I did was get remarried to my Mr. CL. He’s an accountant, completely opposite to my exN. He actually cares if I am upset. He loves my dogs. He loves my family.
He was chumped also, so he knows what it is like. Reads chump lady regularly.
Congrats! And a wave to Mr. Gonegirl. 🙂
He left just before our 21st anniversary and married OW a year later. (She is young enough to have been the flower girl at our wedding ????.) Total blindside, never thought he would cheat. Thought he was the most honest person I knew.
Our dtr was going to be a junior in high school. It was a stressful time for awhile and dtr was overwhelmed by the idea of choosing a college. I supported the idea of her taking a gap year and then began to think I could use a gap year too. Started downsizing, donating, garage sale-ing our belonging. Sold the car and put the house on the market. Quit my job and dtr and I are on the first leg of our journey to travel the world for the next year or two.
Still occasionally feel I am faking my mighty, but healing is happening and dtr and I are both starting to relax and breathe again.
I don’t think it will be fake when you’re in some exotic location looking at historic ruins or castles or whatever it is. I think it will feel AMAZING and so very worth it.
@ Trusting the Journey – you are mighty! What a great adventure. Please post updates.
WOW and OMG that is awesome. Totally seizing the day there
OOOh that is super mighty !!
A little over 3 months on from D-Day :-
I kept the kids
I kept the family home
I kept the bank account (back to black!)
I kept my dignity
I lost the need to self-harm
I lost thoughts of suicide
I lost being humiliated and verbally abused on a daily basis
I lost a cheater
My mightiest moment? – the beautiful realisation that I was “me” again!
Yea!!
Fantastic – glad to read this David x
Can’t wait to see your mighty list in another 3 months… you are ROCKING IT! (I like to remind myself to “Fake it until I make it.”)
Awesome!
Bravo, well done!
If you remember my post from a few weeks ago, I’ve got a whole lotta mighty to share.
Since he left in January, I’ve lost 125 pounds through diet and exercise.
We mediated last month and I got everything the kids and I need-and then some.
I’ve started dating and am loving meeting new people and feeling desirable again.
Y’all told me it gets better.
Y’all were so, so right.
🙂
Brilliant
????
I took my kids to see the eclipse in 2017 about a month before the divorce was final when I was still in a lot of pain and feeling inadequate. I booked the hotel and got us to the perfect viewing site. We were out in nature and it was busy enough to add to the excitement of sharing a unique moment with others while not being insanely and uncomfortably crowded. It was also clear at our location at totality so we go the full experience. It was magical. My youngest said it was the most exciting moment of his life up until that point. I also got them home again through hours of bumper to bumper traffic without too much grumpiness on anyone’s part. It felt good to have been able to provide that unique experience for my kids (and me too).
Meanwhile, ex had planned to fly Schmoopie to the eclipse in his airplane but the engine went out a few days before the event. He managed to find another plane to rent only to discover that the airports in the totality band were only accepting landings by advanced reservation and they were all full up. He was just going to fly over the area during totality but then thunderstorms cropped up between where we live and where he had hoped to fly. They ended up watching a partial through the clouds at home. This is only relevant because once upon a time I gave him way too much credit for the success of our family vacations. That event reminded me that I was always the planner/organizer of family vacations, I do an awesome job and I don’t need him along for them to be successful.
You’re a wonderful mama.
Haha, Chumpinrecovery, your ex and Shmoopie missed out on a most magical celestial event. Karma!!
I drove several hours to a friend’s home in St. Louis and we had gorgeous weather and a perfect view of totality. So thrilling!
I used to arrange for the Python and me to do meteor shower watching, eclipse watching, and space station flyover watching. He seemed to enjoy it – but I don’t know how much of that was an act, since I know now he was a consummate actor throughout our relationship. If he actually did enjoy that sort of thing, he missed out because where we live (we were separated in-house at that time) it was partly cloudy and the eclipse was only partial. I don’t know if he even bothered to go outside to look. (Don’t really care, either!)
But I too realized that I did most of the planning ahead. He was basically incapable of that. Which is a basic skill in adulting. Cheaters suck at adulting, but we are mighty in that regard!
What amazing stories, CN. Today, my moment of Mighty was getting out of bed without crying. You see, it’s my 5th wedding anniversary, and I’m 3.5 months past D-Day. Mr. Not-So-Mighty and I moved across the country in April for his job. We had problems before we left and had actually talked about splitting up, but we agreed we loved each other and wanted to make things work. Our new state would be a new start. Three months to the day we moved into our apartment, he came home from work and told me he “couldn’t do this anymore.” (I had been getting speeches for a couple of weeks about how “tired” he was and how he “nothing left to give.”) A couple of days later, I found out he was having an affair with a co-worker. He said nothing physical happened, but I’m skeptical…he lied about it, they’d been alone together several times, during one of which he was drunk.
I told him I’d be willing to make things work if he would end the affair, but he refused, so just two days after learning about his infidelity, I packed up a couple of suitcases and our dogs and left to stay with family. A week and a half after that, I talked to him on the phone, and he said he wasn’t in love with me anymore and wanted a divorce. So I moved out – back across the country to my parents’ house where I stayed for another 2 months before relocating AGAIN (1000 miles away) to what should be a better job market for me. In that time, I’ve filed for legal separation (not eligible for divorce yet), separated most of our joint finances, applied to a million jobs, started therapy, and been an emotional mess more often than not.
I still have this stubborn hope that he’ll “wake up” and want to fix things. He told me the affair wasn’t the reason he wanted to end our marriage, and I’ve unfortunately internalized that narrative as much as I tried not to. I’m going to spend most of the day telling myself that he won’t contact me and I shouldn’t want him to contact me, while probably hoping – just a little – he’ll contact me. That I’ll get some acknowledgement from him about what today is. I doubt it though. I don’t think he believes he really lost anything that can’t be replaced; he had a rough patch after I left, but from what I hear, he seems to be doing better now. Meanwhile, I feel pretty stuck in the hope and trauma and occasional anger. It’s terribly unfair, but that’s life, right?
Regardless of the hope and confusion and sadness, I have tried to make smart decisions since I left. I have tried to protect myself legally and financially, and I have mostly avoided discussing anything with him besides finances. (I went no-contact with him 2 weeks ago after deciding to pay the money to let my lawyer handle communications about bills and the settlement agreement.) I know if there were to ever be any hope for us, the initiative and work would have to come from him. I can’t do it, and I won’t. I think, eventually, I’ll get to a place where I won’t want him back no matter how I might still feel before finally, mercifully, not caring what he wants or what he’s doing.
So, today, my moment of Mighty is getting out of bed and staying committed to a path that keeps me protected. Cheers to all of you, wherever you are on your journey.
You’re mighty just for getting out of bed!! Extra points for “without crying”! You are way ahead of where I was at 3.5 months….keep up the mightiness!
I think this is the hardest part — starting on the new beginning but not having built that new life yet. Every day it’s an act of faith. Until pretty soon, day after day after day of this slog — this IS your new life. And it eclipses the old life.
So, stay on the path TFM2! Be proud of how you’re navigating this shitstorm — and reject his centrality and vote on your worth. Those cravings for contact go away the longer you maintain NC. (And think about it — what are you craving? For him to reject you again and say how everything is YOUR fault? You don’t need that crap.)
Stay strong!
Today – tis what it is, as we say in Cornwall. You are honest and real, and although today hurt, you saw it through, lovely! I hope there will be plenty of little and big joys for you this week x
Please don’t wait for his call.
Make today special for yourself!
Take the dogs for a long walk. Fresh air is great for all of you. Go to the market and get yourself some pretty flowers. Make plans to do SOMETHING that you enjoy today – go out for lunch, go to a new museum, go see a movie (or two; with popcorn) or anything you enjoy.
Do you know anyone in your town? If so, call and tell them what’s going on and ask them if they can spend some time with you today. People’s generosity may surprise you. If not, today is a good time to practice being your own best company.
Turn your phone off so you won’t be home or waiting for something you definitely do not need.
We all promise that today will end at midnight, tomorrow is another day and every year gets easier.
Thanks, Rebecca. I’m living with two AMAZING friends and have two others who came in town just for today. They’re going to be with me all weekend and hopefully keep me mostly distracted.
“Today ends at midnight” is a great perspective. Repeating that starting now!
and today that is completely enough.. Its ok. You will be ok, just do what you need to do right now
Thanks, meh.twain! <3
So so sooooo many mighty moments.
Possibly the best one though. (background, in my country you just divorce after two years separation, DIY forms, witnessed by a Justice of the Peace, pay your money and send off the forms, the only divorce available here is this standard form, no suing for adultery etc)
So, I told him I wanted a divorce. He was shocked. (ha! shocked.. like I still want to be MARRIED TO YOU?) We arranged to meet to get forms witnessed and he was to pay me his half of the fee for divorce. We got the forms witnessed and outside the office he handed me the EXACT half of the divorce fee (yep couldnt round up to the nearest dollar, I got serious coinage) I just snort-laughed when he handed it over (OW was definitely involved there in handing out the money, the kids tell me she is a total tightarse ) anyway I said I was going to get a bankers cheque to post to courts with the form. He said “oh that will cost you money, hang on I’ll give you half” I looked at all the little coins in my hand and laughed again and said, its ok, its on me. He looked about half an inch tall at that point
Fuck you cheater. I got ALLLLL of this
He handed you coinage. Bwahahaha.
I know, right? I’d have been mortified to do that, but obviously mommy-OW (who by the way is decades his junior) counted it out in his little hand to the last cent. Heaven forbid he paid five cents more than he had to *rolls eyes*
Part of me is hoping you threw all those coins in a fountain and wished for a fuckwit-free life.
What a loser.
Nope but I gave them to the nice bank teller when I organised the cheque and told her they were contaminated so I didnt want them in my wallet. Her and her colleague laughed hard when I told her where they’d come from.
My half of the divorce was paid for by selling my wedding/engagement rings. Seemed appropriate 😀
PS: Got the fuckwit free life too, aint that grand 😀
Trusting – just wow. What a great idea!
I was an old fashioned Hospital educated nurse with a “diploma” but had built a great career with it. I was never brave enough to get a Bachelor of Science Degree because I had too many boulders to push uphill in my life with nowdeadcheater. My newhusband gave me the encouragement and support to finish and I have only 6 weeks left before graduation.
I have been accepted to study for a Masters in Bioethics through a program at a prestigious medical school.
Sometimes I feel like my Mighty isn’t as good as everyone else’s because I never left him. I had plans to pull the trigger during the very next rage (I had promised myself I had suffered the last one ever) including buying a Chevrolet (my Mercedes was in his name alone, of course and Im sure he would have claimed it). So oddly enough, when I see Chevrolets, I am oddly triggered that I am not mighty.
Most of the time, though..I know that my Mighty was just different, not worse…we each faced a different set of challenges and have reason to be proud.
Unicorn – you are one of the mightiest, kindest, brightest people I know.
Also the most modest. ❤️❤️❤️
Unicorn you’ve helped me and I’m brand new to this site. You are mighty! Thank you for caring
You’re incredibly mighty — and you pay it forward EVERY DAY. Do you realize how many people you help? I think it might be the majority of people who suffer and don’t leave — and you share that story, and the truth of what it Really Was.
Congrats on your acceptance to a prestigious masters program! I’m not one bit surprised.
You were and are very mighty, Unicornnomore. God bless you in your new and improved life. You have given so much to so many.
Unicornnomore….you are VERY mighty and you help so many people in CN. Congratulations on your B.S. degree in nursing….that is a tough degree to get !!
You are very Mighty.
My mightiest moment…when after a year of knowing her slutfest ways and playing with her boytoy , ripping my soul apart all the while , and 2 weeks after our divorce , she came knocking on the door crying telling me “You were the best friend I ever had” and me calmly telling her “NO WAY , get back in your car and go back to where you came from.” I was free!I finally acquired MEH. I had full custody of our 2 small children and knew I’d find someone that would be 10 times the wife and mother that she could ever be…and I did. I’m 63 now and this was 38 years ago. Been married to an angel for 35 years.Bliss!
LOVE it!
Geden, thank you for sharing this! Time proves yet again that we chumps will be in a much better place, even bliss, once we leave cheaters.
I passed the bar exam on the first try 4 months after the DDay. Almost gave up and did not sit for it, as I was the least probable person to pass on the first try – older than most law students; working full time; 2 young children; from a different country, therefore English being my second language ; and being a total emotional wreck after finding out about h’s secret life and still having to live with him, as I had to put any decisions and dealing with the situation on hold, while I buckled up and studied.
But with God’s help and some inner mighty power that kicked into high gear, I did it….and became a “hero” at my law school….:-))
You all are extremely amazing, CN.
Damn! You’re amazing!
Beruska, thy name is Mighty. Now I have another name to add to the roll call of Chump heroes and heroines. Heck, we are all mighty. I love this tribe.
Out of this world MIGHTY !!
Mine was one morning maybe 4-5 weeks after D-day, and 3 weeks after my ex ran off with the OM. I was in full-on pick-me dance mode, even though she was telling me that I really had little chance of “winning” her back from this d.b. (She had to give hope, but just a little bit, so that I would do the dance really hard!). I had been reading this book on how to get back your cheater, and at one point the advice was to type up a nice letter explaining boundaries to her. It said that as long as she continued what she did, I wouldn’t go to MC. It may seem hard to believe, but at the time, this was the most “harsh” advice I had yet seen for dealing with a cheater; everything else was all “just let her do whatever she wants, figure out what you did wrong to make her do this, and hope she comes back.” I was a puddle of terrible self-esteem and sadness, not knowing what to do.
I typed up my letter, printed it out, then stopped to read it again. For whatever reason, at that moment the whole thing just seemed ridiculous to me. Why was *I* writing groveling letters to *her*, as if any of this was my fault? I didn’t make her do any of this. I know I had been a good husband to her and good dad to our kids, and even if I wasn’t, I didn’t deserve this; no one did. My reward was to have her sneer and make fun of me as she rode off in the sunset with this guy.
I crumpled up the letter, then took it to the garbage can by the street so no one could see it.
From that point on, I didn’t pick-me dance any more. I offered no reconciliation, nor did I agree to take it once she tried to come back a month later. I found this site a few days later, and it helped keep me strong.
CN could light a bonfire of those letters. So glad yours wound up in the trash. Well done!
Ha ha, that reminds me…a few months later, I found a little box in the back of her closet. The day she left, she told me that there had been multiple AP’s, going back to the first few months we were married. That box contained a whole bunch of pictures of the first AP. I also found a whole bunch of other things with it from that time period, presumably gifts or mementos.
Oh, was I mad. That night, I burned the whole thing in a bonfire. Oh, it felt good.
I love reading about those moments of clarity when the Chump comes out of the hopium fog, and realizes that they don’t have to take the abuse and lies any more.
Stay mighty, TTW. You deserve so much better.
I kept hanging on through the financial and physical abuse (and the cheating of course) because he was ill (diagnosed bipolar). In the end the doctor said “what are you waiting for – him to put you in a coffin”. I was convinced he didn’t mean it but in the end there is only so much abuse you can take and if he didn’t want to save himself I didn’t see why I should try.
My mighty moment was when I went absolutely and completely no contact, no email, no anything after I told him exactly how I feel about him and his nasty whore. He could not reply because he was blocked. Took three years to do it, and I love it.
It’s day by day, even two years out, but…
* I moved and bought a house. I am making that house a home for my tribe.
* I fixed my garbage disposal on my own!
* I’m applying to jobs that will decrease my commute (my pay too unfortunately). However, being closer to home will let me be even more present and active with my kiddos. Unlike Tweaker ex who decided to relocate with his company several states away (had a perfectly fine job where he was and could have found others in the nearby counties). Fucking idiot. Actions speak louder than words.
* I am the parent that is there for my kiddos 100% and put them first while still working on building my own life.
* I work full time and single parent 100% of the time.
* I live in the moment more every day and accept the emotions. Still a lot to process even 2 years out but I’m doing it.
* I foster dogs. So far I have saved 4 lives with successful furever home matches (2 more saves expected this weekend – fingers crossed). In the fostering group, that I am working with, I have found a sense of community.
* Finding CL and CN and flipping the narrative to speaking out against cheating instead of silence.
* I have hopes and dreams again.
Just making this list reminds me to keep fucking going and to be a badass warrior instead of the victim. I realize, in spite of the horrible shit show of the last 20+ years and a marriage to a fraud, I still believe in love and give love. That is who I am.
And I bet those foster dogs appreciate it!
My ex is a musician. Good enough to get gigs as a bandleader, but not good enough to make a living at it. So I was the breadwinner while he pursued his dream of being a rock star. He told me that he had perfect pitch and that my singing sounded like fingernails on a chalkboard to him, so I wasn’t allowed to sing in his presence.
Though I never sang professionally, I have always loved music and sang along with the radio. School choir taught me how to sing harmony. This killed my joy and he knew it. It was another way for him to keep me down.
After I kicked him out, I taught myself how to play the ukulele. It’s taken me a few years and some tremendous courage but I’m now singing at open mics and doing karaoke. I’m having the time of my life! I’ve been told over and over that I have a beautiful voice. The validation is amazing!
Love it
So wonderful! What is it about cheaters and wanting to kill your joy and lie about your talents? The lying POS I divorced also claimed my singing hurt his ears. He would scrunch up his face and cringe when I sang along with the radio.
I sang some karaoke this past summer in an exotic locale, in two different languages, and plenty of people came up afterwards to tell me what a beautiful voice I have.
Cheaters are such colossal liars. They can’t stand others having joy or talent.
Keep making the world more beautiful. The sounds of mighty lift the heart.
Mine thinks he’s the next John Denver. I am SO glad I no longer have to listen to that screeching – and you know playing the same first four bars of a song over and over and over again.
John Denver was unfaithful to his wife and had a history of domestic violence so …
After years of living with an X who couldn’t pay a fricken bill on time, to which some costs us hundreds more then it should have to get fixed (like car registration and tickets were his favorites) I’m living with money in my bank account, no debt, ALL bills paid on time for the last 3 years and my dd is an A & B student. I’m happy, content and haven’t seen that dickfart in 2 years. Granted I’m not getting any support from him, but knowing that he’s racking up the support arrearages makes me smile sometimes more then it should.
Same here. He got drunk one day (every day actually) and went out and bought himself a 60,000 dollar car. How great is that – go out drunk to a car dealership. I was devastated as we had just finished paying on a loan I had to take out to repair somebody’s car that he hit while drunk. One of many actually! So I thought we would have a little more money coming in. I’m going to retire at Christmas as I will have paid off the mortgage I had to take out to buy him out in 7 years instead of 17. It’s an amazing feeling to not be broke isn’t it..
14 months after Dday With the divorce not final due to X’s continued narcissism, i was still a wreck yet a clearly decent man at work was interested in me. I had to decide if I was going to stay wrapped around my X’s awfulness or move on quickly and possibly be with a very decent man. Moving on was still a hurculean effort for me but I was done with X ruining everything – even after he was gone. So I decided to go ahead with the good guy and be mindful of my baggage as I went. Thank God I did. We are married – he is a truly good person – we love each other – and I had a baby with him two days before turning 42. I could have grieved forever and I’m so glad I didn’t.
<3
????????????
I am able to be the parent I want to be because I no longer have someone telling me everything I’m “doing wrong”.
The results:
– My son is getting straight A’s.
– My son and I enjoy travelling and going on adventures together (leaving for Hawaii tomorrow!)
– My son and I talk about real life and things that matter (note: solving a Rubik’s cube in under 30 seconds matters to a 13yo!)
– My son hugs me without prompting (and still says “I love you, Mom” when I drop him off at school.)
– I know I’m raising my son to be a good human because parents and teachers tell me how he behaves when I’m not around.
Funny that, Mr. Sparkles. The realization I had (I’m 4 years out now) was that Mr. Sparkles sabotages his children – he’s done it to every single one of them. No one can surpass the almighty Mr. Sparkles in life. And I will not let that happen here. My kid will have every opportunity to live a life greater than mine.
Whatever you’re doing “wrong” is sure having some awesome results.
As our children require the continued need for some contact between myself and the ex, I mark my mighty by each instance that I don’t get engaged in her attempts to “still be friends, lets chit chat” bullshit. My most recent deflection provided me an opportunity to be pleased with the progress I have made.
Quick background for context. About 4 months after leaving me, she became the OW with a co-worker and lead a year long affair with him before he left his baby-mama and two children. They have been living together for the last 10 months.
Out of the blue, following a text message asking about meeting time for children exchange, she wanted to give me a heads up. She let me know she and Mr. McDreamy were engaged. As opposed to earlier and on the heals of finding out that she had cheated on me, and dancing my ass off in and attempt to being picked, I replied with the following:
“OK….congrats…..best wishes.”
Then confirmed again the pick up time for the kids.
She will be Mrs. McDreamy #4, so I wanted to add “good luck, sounds like you will need it.” But refrained.
“Best wishes” is really open to interpretation. 😉 Way to go on not engaging.
Mrs. McDreamy #4? Hahahahahahaha. Now that’s Karma.
I didn’t realize that I was mighty, but looking back I absolutely was. My cheater always ran the show, I rarely stood up to him by the end of our relationship, but I’ll be damned if you’re going to fuck with my kids.
When he came home with his twisted version of ILYBINILWY, I had no idea about the OW. Over the next 3-4 days I was frantically looking for marriage counselors and he was getting meaner by the minute. I wrote him a text that said I was taking the kids to my mother’s house because it was really tense and uncomfortable for everyone and I wanted this to be a smooth transition so the kids didn’t get upset. He was livid and blew up my phone telling me I couldn’t steal the kids blah blah blah. He came home right before I was about to leave. He said I couldn’t take the kids. I said I was leaving anyways. My DD stood there clutched to my leg begging me to stay. I stared cheater down, hands on hips. Waiting……Waiting….. While DD sobbed. I was NOT going to take DD without cheater’s *permission* because I knew he would throw it back in my face until the end of time that I “stole” the kids. He finally asked DD if she wanted to go with mommy. She said yes. He looked up at me and said “Fine”. I scooped up the kids and left and didn’t come back to my home until after he moved out a month later. I’ve been mostly no contact ever since (only about the kids).
And, during the next few weeks he texted to see the kids, I said I would bring them back in the evenings for him to see them from 6-9pm, the normal time he would see them before they went to sleep but they were not staying with him, they would stay with me. He said he didn’t like my “terms”. Sorry, I thought you wanted to see the kids, not “win” the “terms” of a business deal. He was so stubborn he didn’t agree to my “terms” and thus didn’t get to see the kids for a month. He eventually learned to accept my “terms” and I the set the backdrop for me being able to keep my kids in our home and mostly staying with me.
And, the rest of this divorce is going down on MY terms, I was so afraid of losing him that I didn’t stand up for myself, but now I have NOTHING to loose and EVERYTHING to gain. So fuck him. I am mighty.
P.S. I found CN in the first few sleepless nights and took all you mighty chump’s advice from the very beginning. Thanks for helping me stay mighty xoxo
So glad you dug deep and found your mightiness. It was there all along.
Hugs and high fives. I’m so glad you got free and have your beautiful kiddos.
Thank you ???? I’m so glad too! ????
My piece of shit Asshat (married 21 years, together 25) told me he had ONE affair on the same day we found out he was cancer-free. I cannot help but be angry when I think about how much he used me, how much I cared for his every need and was so worried that he wouldn’t survive. Only to have him “share his affair” with me just when i thought we could start living again…how we could start traveling and enjoying life. Turns out he had an Ashely Madison account for 5-7 years, spent thousands of marital money on strippers, happy endings, backpage, and most likely escorts. Of course, he strung me along for a while, insisting he would change and we went to marriage counseling. I danced for 3 months.
My wake up moment: I discovered he spent 4 hours setting up a Tinder account while laying in bed with me, after Thanksgiving weekend. I called in sick to work (I never ever call in) and sobbed in my therapist’s office. I also met with my pastor and she told me to spend the day figuring out how to protect myself. I was a f’ing mess.
I walked in my house and felt this calm and incredible peace. I knew what to do and who to call for help. I called a wonderful lady from church. Within 2 hours, her husband, a retired-attorney, referred me to an attorney. He personally called her. At 2:00, This amazing kick-ass attorney called me and said “Hi Newgirl, it sounds like you need protecting. How can I help?” That same day, I transferred all of our accounts into my name, leaving $10 in each account so it wouldn’t send account notices. Within a week, my financial disclosure and divorce papers were complete and filed.
I served Asshat with papers at day 10. I still remember the shock on his face…he didn’t think i would EVER let him go. Or file for divorce. He was dumbfounded and balked when i told him all of our money (40k) was in an account in my name only. He just looked at me and said “what, did you think I was going to screw you?” I responded “you already have!!”
It was the holiday season and he refused to leave. I had to make him look for an apartment. The week before he got his keys, I told him he would no longer welcome in in my house and he needed to move the day he got his keys. He was furious! He demanded our joint checkbook to pay for his moving truck. Denied. He had to apply for a credit card that day to cover the moving truck.
A month later, I refinanced the mortgage and he signed off on the mortgage. I refused to give him his share of the equity until the divorce was final. He was so angry!! He refused to get an attorney. I did ALL of the work. My attorney was incredible and we went to court on day 121 (state law requires 120 days)!!
It’s been 3 years since his cancer diagnosis and almost 2 years since I filed for divorce. I parallel-parent an 11 and 13 year old with this colossal fuckwit. I found CL the summer after I was divorced and slowly, things began making sense. I lost a cheater and gained an amazing, incredible life!! Stay mighty, CL and CN. ❤️
Wow that is amazing!
Thank you…it took me a while to accept that his mask slipped. I am so glad I trusted my gut and made things happen. Life is good!
Good on you!
Two moments of mighty for me, and the best part is that they are ongoing:
1) started a new hobby: kayaking.
Background: When I was with ex narcopath, he wanted a new truck. We applied, and we were denied. Or rather we were accepted with an 18% interest rate, that I refused to pay. The plan was that I was to trade in my 1 year old car and take a major loss. He would contribute nothing, be a cosigner and keep his pos older truck, with promises to pay me half of the monthly payment. Our monthly truck payment would have been over $600/month.
Luckily, the universe made this plan impossible, and ironically, I moved out 4 months later and I discovered his promises to pay for ANYTHING were crap, and he stole $1500 from me.
5 months after our final 5th dday breakup, a relative gifts an inheritance. A decent amount but astronomical. I sit on it for a month, trying to decide if I want to use it for a down payment on a duplex or buy my dream suv.
I had previously been a home owner and found it to be very burdensome, and enjoyed renting. Renting gives me the freedom to move, and puts the owners on my landlord to pay for any repairs. I live in a great apartment, everything included (wifi, laundry, snow removal etc.) for $850/month. Why would I leave?
I chose to buy my dream vehicle. A 2018 Kia Sorento, seven seats. Paid for a roof rack, bought 2 kayaks and so began my journey of kayaking.
I bought one kayak for myself and my one friend decided SHE wanted to start the hobby and so we went halves on a 2nd kayak that remains with me (cause I have the vehicle to transport them.) Bought 2 kid kayaks for my kids.
Best summer ever. Kayaked 15 different locations with plans to do more next summer. Went out by myself a lot. Took the kids out fishing. Introduced other people to it. Everyone loves it. And it’s very peaceful on the water. I can unload those kayaks in under 5 minutes by myself.
Feel like a total badass, with my new suv, loaded with the kayaks on top, driving with the windows down, blasting some good music, and my tan was dynamite.
Also, I only work 2 days a week. I am very financially fortunate. I was off galavating quite a bit when my kids were at their dads (dad is NOT ex narcopath) for 5 day stretches.
Ex narcohole saw me a few times passing by and waved like the weak coward fangirl that he is. My friend and I laughed, ignored the shit out of him, and turned the music up.
2) as time went on, and the excruciating pain started to abate, my mindset changed from “how could he replace me so easily?” to “I fired that asshole. HIM. FIRED. TERMINATED. UNWORTHY. He is not entitled to one more BREATH of my world ….”
And that feels fierce and very freeing.
And HE IS NOT MY PROBLEM ANYMORE.
ok. Wait. There is a 3rd thing.
3) waking up in the morning to a peaceful home. My kids in the bed next to me, sleepily hugging me with their sweet breath and kisses and “I luv you mama…” They are safe and sweet and we finally have our peace.
I’m laughing and high-fiving you this morning. I love, love, love your mighty story. I’m going to borrow two phrases from you to start using: weak coward fangirl, and I fired that asshole!
I love kayaking. It gives me pleasure knowing that although he did get one of the kayaks in the divorce, he will likely never use it as he could never be bothered to transfer the title and get the license stickers that are required for watercraft in our state. You know, stand in line, have serial numbers and paperwork ready—- the stuff that wife appliances were good for. It will all be too much bother, so it will gather dust like so many other “hobbies” he starts but never finishes because it takes effort.
Thanks for sharing your story. You inspire.
Didn’t one of you ladies’ ex “steal” the paddles (or is that oars for a kayak) and he ended up getting 2 female ends?
Sorry, *NOT* astronomical. I am not rich by any means.
the telling detail was the moment i recognized my anxiety of 27 years had vanished!
then i proceeded to grieve, divorce, grieve some more, heal, rebuild, heal some more, and gain an anxiety free life.
The compliments & props everyone’s giving are so awesome….