You Get Over It – A Chump Story

Today’s column is a guest post from Rarity — who left a cheater, and gained a life. Enjoy! — Tracy

My husband effectively abandoned me for another woman when I was pregnant with our second. Our 7-year-old was disabled (22q deletion syndrome) and I was trying to finish a master’s degree. I hadn’t worked full-time since the year our daughter was born. I found myself putting my degree on hold and returning to full-time work (a $12/hr temp job with no benefits) at 7 months pregnant. I worked until 2 days past my due date, and I cried all the time. When I had my baby, the hospital staff wrote all over my records, “husband is unsupportive.”

Fast forward to a year later. Different woman whom my husband claimed he had broken up with and gone no-contact with. We’re separated but (for whatever reason) I’m trying to save the marriage. Labor Day, I checked his phone. He was at the OW’s place “ravaging” [1] her the night before. They never went no-contact or stopped seeing each other. I was a sobbing, heaving, lactating mess crumpled on my bedroom floor. My husband left, put on a suit, and took the OW out to a glamorous formal night on the town, then posted pictures all over Facebook the next day. That’s how not-sorry he was. It felt like my pain was unending.

I found Chump Lady’s Web site a few days later (from Googling “how to get revenge on a cheater,” which seems funny now). I downloaded the first version of her book and read it in less than a day. Slowly, and with a lot of mistakes along the way, I began to implement her method. I wrote in to her and got some much-needed advice at one point. My divorce was final about two months after D-Day.

It’s been 2.5 years. Since D-Day I have:

  • Written and finished my master’s thesis
  • Gotten the septorhinoplasty that I’d been wanting since junior high so I no longer look like the love child of Barbara Streisand and Adrien Brody
  • Finished my master’s degree
  • Attended an all-expenses-paid theology seminar in California
  • Started and finished a professional certificate at the local community college
  • Published political op-eds in a well-known newspaper
  • Been promoted at work
  • Paid off my nose (now they can’t repossess it!)
  • Submitted a scholarly article for publication
  • Begun teaching Sunday school at my church, another thing that I’ve wanted to do since my teens, but never have.

I’ve been dating a soft-spoken, emotionally sensitive man for about a year now, someone who goes to church with me, supports my life goals, has a solid career, and treats me well. He’s moving from Minneapolis to Chicago to be with me next month.

I also found out in October of last year that I don’t have one disabled child; I have two. The son I was pregnant with when my husband abandoned us was diagnosed with high-functioning autism. I haven’t let it stop me.

My ex-husband’s mistress dumped him before the divorce was even final (and wrote a hilariously narcissistic blog post about it). She married a youth pastor and moved to North Carolina in October of last year; I can’t imagine a life of ministry and service to others is going to go well for her. I was tempted to report her to their senior pastor, but decided I would rather not have her bullshit drama back in my life.

It’s amazing how little I think of my ex-husband. Even though we have two children together, I barely talk to him. He does his visitation (sometimes late), pays his child support (sometimes late), and leaves me alone. I never see “rage” or “charm” anymore, just occasional self-pity. He actually does a decent job of helping out with the kids, taking our son from preschool to ABA autism therapy most weekdays. We’re cordial when we meet face to face. I no longer feel anything when he mentions he’s dating someone else. I’m not angry, I’m not jealous, and I’m not “so happy for them.” I. Just. Don’t. Care. Like in that Gotye song, he’s just “Somebody that I used to know.” He still works a crappy job and has constant trouble with money, has even been arrested for dumb stuff like “driving without insurance,” but so long as he pays his child support relatively on-time, I file it all under: “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”

So, you want to feel better after being chumped? You need these three things:

(1) To be free of your cheater: divorced and as no-contact as possible.
(2) To fill your life with other things to love, and I don’t necessarily mean a new romance. Read. Write. Travel. Build your career. Volunteer somewhere. Go to church. Go to comic cons. Join a book of the month club. Join (or leave!) a political party. Find something to be passionate about, and start working on it.
(3) TIME.

If you have only one or two of those things but not the other, you’re still going to hurt. But if I can get over it, you can get over it.

I said earlier that I found Chump Lady by Googling “how to get revenge on a cheater.” Here is my revenge: I’ve moved on, I’m happy with my life, and I don’t care anymore whether he’s happy with his.

——————
[1] “Ravaging” was my husband’s choice of word, not mine. He’s Mormon and doesn’t say “fucking” because that would be wrong.

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UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

I trust that Rarity will pardon the irony of this response coming from an agnostic, but it’s entirely appropriate:

“Amen.”

And that pic is awesome.

Rarity
Rarity
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

“Amen” technically just means “Truth!” or “So be it,” so (agnostic or not), you’re good 🙂

And thanks.

unsinkablemollyxinAlabama
unsinkablemollyxinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Girl, you are awesome!!!! “Like” times one million!!!

God bless you and your children (my daughter is autistic, I can relate).

Congratulations to you on your accomplishments!!!
((((Hugs))))

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
6 years ago

Rarity – you are SOOoooOOO incredibly awesome! Way to go finishing that master’s. Education is one of the only non-negotiable items during divorce and after; that’s all yours, girl! I am sorry at how horribly you were treated and hurt while pregnant. It just proves what a douchebag he truly is.

I’m finishing the brilliant work “The Hiding Place” by Corrie ten Boom, and at one point she wrote, “I know that the experiences of our lives, when we let God use them, become the mysterious and perfect preparation for the work He will give us to do.” She’s so right. That thought has played out in my life, and plays out in so many of the Chumps lives that I read about here, and it’s playing out that way for you, too.

Keep being the strong, amazing woman and mom that you are. (((Hugs!)))

HateHWWs
HateHWWs
6 years ago

You’re a rock star in my book!!
You go girl!!

Kay
Kay
6 years ago
Reply to  HateHWWs

I’ve read this over and over again!! Yay rarity!!❤️

Over and Out
Over and Out
6 years ago

I’m so very glad to read a happy ending to a living nightmare, Rarity. Congratulations and wishing you much continued happiness! You are mighty!!! 🙂

Supreme Chump
Supreme Chump
6 years ago

Well done, Rarity. You’re an inspiration.

TiredChump
TiredChump
6 years ago

Wow. Just wow. You are mighty!

nomar
nomar
6 years ago

Rarity FTW. At parenting, at life. Proving once again: Chumps win when we play the long game.

WELL DONE!!?

Carmel
Carmel
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Playing the long game. Love this but of inspiration

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

+2

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

+1!

Rebecca
Rebecca
6 years ago

Three cheers for Rarity!!!
She deserves all of her accomplishments and more.

To those that wonder if they will ever get there – YES YOU WILL…and it is worth every bit of work and pain to get free!

JeepTess
JeepTess
6 years ago

Wow Rarity 🙂 You GO Girl!

Yes! You are Mighty!

🙂

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago

This is basically me at the moment. 30 weeks pregnant now with a 2 year old abandoned at 18 weeks for the OW. I’m so glad to read a post that has a positive outcome. I hope this is me in a couple of years time.

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

Sorry you have to go through this sh*t storm pregnant – not that anyone wants to go through it any time. You are mighty and don’t ever forget that!

Rarity
Rarity
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

Sorry to hear this. Hang in there. You will get through it. ((hugs))

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Thank you it’s so nice to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have already started moving on by filing for divorce. I hope my story ends up as happy as yours.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

Pregnant Chumps, the light at the end of the tunnel is the little flame the chump as kept burning which burns brighter and brighter as you get away from the cluster f@k of the cheaters and APs’ lives. It also burns brighter as you feed it with your endeavours and your courage, just like Rarity has. I am trying not to swear today, out of respect for you Rarity…You rock!

Marked711
Marked711
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

Keep your chin up and know that I’ve never heard of or met a chump that didn’t have it so much better in time. The only ones that didn’t were the ones that kept taking him/her back. I guarantee you will be very happy again. It will be YOUR life. Be strong.

Tracy
Tracy
6 years ago

Ravaging because fucking would be wrong…. classic cheat vocabulary.
My Ex in court said to a friend who took a photograph of my personal property being thrown outside on the lawn…”Shame on you”
Shame….a word I think he doesn’t know the definition of. But a photo….depicting his behavior….exposure of his negative actions.

Rock on Rarity….

Rarity
Rarity
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

I’m a Christian myself and honestly did not say a single swear word from the time I was 12 till the time I was 32. 8 hours of unmedicated labor with my son, 9 lbs 5 oz posterior delivery . . . Didn’t swear at anyone!

A few days after the Labor Day D-Day, I called him up and cussed him out like a sailor. He was shocked and appalled. “Watch your language!” he blurted out at me.

“Oh, that’s great, you’re more upset that I’m saying the word ‘fuck’ than you are that you fucked this woman!”

Cheater morality is really something.

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

I love your Happy Ending story, Rarity!! You are one amazing women and an inspiration. 🙂

I got the same “watch your language” when I finally got bad ass angry and started swearing at him. And like you, I never ever swore at him or anyone else. It was okay for him to lie and cheat, but it wasn’t okay for me to swear. lol

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

You had a choice, you could cuss him out or hit him over the head with the frying pad which is what he really deserved. That might have gotten you in trouble, however so better to cuss him out.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

pan

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Cheater morality is amazing. My X did the same thing–at the one MC appointment that he finally begged for (after I’d said I wanted a divorce for the 5th time), he refused to tell the counselor why we are there. So I said, “He seduced a graduate student for 3 weeks, then fucked her for 3 weeks.”

In his haughty British accent, he said “I object to that language.” Even in my gut-wrenched state, I found this amusing.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Ahahah mine objected toy calling his gradwhore his “mistress” Now that we’re divorced, I call her his “girltress” watching his face when he learns about this one would almost be worth breaking NC… Nah, Meh is better!

Rarity
Rarity
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

“Girltress,” that’s so funny. I called her “Schmoopie,” “mistress” and “whore” (“OWhore” when I wrote about it on CN forums), but I will never dignify that relationship by calling her his “girlfriend.”

honeyandthehomewrecker
honeyandthehomewrecker
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Oh, and the whole point of replying to that particular part of the thread was to agree 1,000% when you said ‘I will never dignify that relationship by calling her his “girlfriend.” My ex’s new wife will never be called that by me. Ever. She is now, and will forever be, HomeWrecker.

Rarity
Rarity
6 years ago

I used to feel like calling her “whore” was a little un-feminist of me.

So now I don’t call her “whore” without calling him “fuckboy.” Equality in all things. 😉

Onemoreday
Onemoreday
6 years ago

Honeyandthehomewrecker, you are MIGHTY! The mighty don’t become mighty by one single awesome act like, say….paying support once. The mighty become mighty one day at a time. And you, my dear, are the mightiest! Preschool would be great! But it’s not necessary. what would be awesome is if kindergarten is a full time option in your area. Regardless, you are better and better every day. You knew you couldn’t count on child support so you enrolled yourself in school so you can support your family! You are inspirational.

honeyandthehomewrecker
honeyandthehomewrecker
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Rarity, you are awesome! I love your story. Well, the ending anyway. Not the whole part about his obtuse treatment of a wife during what is literally the most vulnerable time in her life and marriage. I find it so sickening that someone could abandon someone pregnant or someone with small babies in tow. It’s perverse. It’s shameful. It depicts a level of cruelty that defies all acceptable social and moral norms. You know how in Japanese culture there is a heightened aspect of honor in business and personal relationships? Sometimes I wish we had there here. These people just walk around shamelessly when they should be sharpening their harakiri sword for bringing shame to their family. Well, figuratively speaking anyway. I am 11 months away from the completion of my bachelor’s degree. D-day for me was 3 years ago, and 2 years ago I started back at school, all online, all done at night when my babies go to sleep. My ex abandoned me when I was a SAHM with a 1 and 2 year old with zero warning for a stripper, and moved over 2,000 miles away to go live with her. I struggle so much with no contact because all of my processing of what he did has happened after the fact. I felt like we were robbed of so much, and I just couldn’t imagine being robbed of my voice to say what I needed to say to him too. I struggle with this daily, especially since the harm is ongoing – $35K in arrears in child support, I have zero help with anything because he’s gone, I can’t work more than part time because I can’t afford the child care. He got a lawyer and took me to court to basically accuse me of choosing to not work more, wanted custody (he’s seen them once in 3 years) to get his support reduced which he’s not paying anyway. And on and on it goes. I can see the offramp to Meh in the far distance, and then BAM. Another outrage, and I’m back to being as furious and wounded as day 1. I emailed him recently and said I wanted half of the $200 I paid so our daughter could go to a 2 day a week preschool. He ignored it. When that needed to be paid again for a new quarter, I couldn’t afford it. So he emailed me as chipper as can be the other day and said ‘Little Man seems to be doing so great in kindergarten! How’s Baby Girl doing in her preschool?’ I wrote back ‘Her preschool ends next week. I couldn’t sign her up for another quarter because her other parent won’t help pay for it.’ No reply. But hey! He’s got a new baby and 2 stepkids who he makes sure have diapers and rent and food. Sigh. I’m just trying to laser focus on getting my degree, getting both kids old enough to be in school, and getting a new career off the ground. In the mean time, I feel so powerless because we have just enough money to survive, and sometimes not even quite enough to do that. I always thought I’d have my kids in sports and gymnastics and now I can’t even stretch the budget to get groceries some weeks. Thank God for the food pantry at my church. Talk about having to swallow your pride. So when I read a story like yours, I just reach deep down and hold on to the hope that that could be our story, too. Thanks for the badly needed inspiration, Rarity!

honeyandthehomewrecker
honeyandthehomewrecker
6 years ago

Rarity, thanks for your reply! He is constantly traveling outside of the state he lives in for short periods of work. So by the time anyone learns he’s gotten a job, it’s ended and no support can be grabbed. He makes excellent money as a welder on power plants, so he has to travel all over. Which is how he met HomeWrecker, of course (or as I like to affectionately call her, H Dubs).

Yes, I started back to school because I saw the writing on the wall. I suspected he would eventually go full dirtbag. It’s one thing to suspect that, and it’s another thing to actually witness the father of your children simply stop paying for their living expenses. But if you do anything other than treat him as though he’s an upstanding member of the community worthy of respect, he is flabbergasted at the implication of any wrongdoing. Pathologically committed to the good guy narrative, this one.

If you suspect that it’s just a matter of time before you ex stops paying, trust that instinct. It’s the universe’s way of telling us to get our ducks in a row right quick, because ‘that person we couldn’t count on’ is about to become ‘that person we couldn’t count on 2.0.’

I love your before and afters! Great stuff. Hoping for the best for you and your kiddos.

Rarity
Rarity
6 years ago

So sorry you’re dealing with this. Is there any way to garnish his wages for child support arrears?

I admit that the fact that my XH pays CS and does his visitation does make life a little easier for me. However, I think it’s only a matter of time before he quits doing that and I’m trying to get my life to the point where I won’t be hurting too much if I don’t have his CS.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I tried to pay a debt that was assigned to me in my divorce today. When I called the company because the debt is in his name the dude says ” I’m sorry, since you aren’t married to ____anymore I can’t release any info on this account.” To which I replied ” oh, I’m not looking for any information from you on _____, I know all I need to know about him.”
The rep started kinda laughing a bit and said ” I know it’s inconvenient, but since you aren’t married anymore you are a third party”. I got so hysterical…..I about spit out my coffe. I was like ” you said a mouthful there, sweetie. I was a third party that whole marriage.”
Sometimes we gotta get a laugh or two at how absurd they and the whole situation is.

Rarity
Rarity
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Sooo funny. Thanks for sharing!

Mehbound
Mehbound
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Thanks for the laugh Paintwindow!

Way to go Rarity! Us chumps, love what mighty looks like!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yeah, it’s ok to fuck another woman not your wife, but it isn’t ok to say so.

I think STBX was shocked when I called him a fucking asshole. I had never called anybody that before in my life. Hadn’t even thought it.

Twitching
Twitching
6 years ago

Now that, my friends, is the definition of mighty!!

NoKibble4U
NoKibble4U
6 years ago
Reply to  Twitching

+1
Way to go Rarity!

12YearsWasted
12YearsWasted
6 years ago

You are mighty! I don’t even know you and I’m so proud of you! Your story is very inspiring! And a new nose is on my list while getting a life, too! Ha!

Congrats on your new life, Rarity! You deserve it!

Rarity
Rarity
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Thank you for so many nice comments on this 🙂 I really am happy I had it done.

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

I loved the comment about “love child of Barbara Streistand and Adrian Brody”! As another girl with a, ahem, large nose I snorted quite loudly out of it when I read that.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Awesome Rarity, congratulations on your mighty recovery, your cool new look and here is to many joyful days in Meh!!

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

You are really beautiful, inside and out. I love that you spent your money on yourself, ha!
And you also powered through a Master’s, and serve others, everything you do shows heart and soul! I remember reading your story when you first posted it, it made me tear up, because you did NOT stop your journey. Bless you, lovely Rarity!

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Wow! You have beautiful eyes!

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Rarity,

LOVE the new nose and hair color, hair cut (looks like it or its pulled back in small side picture by your name), but especially love your new life!

Congrats! Rough road but you accomplished sooo much!

kb
kb
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

I’m really happy for you!

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Fabulous. And the best part is that you love the outcome.

Rarity
Rarity
6 years ago
Reply to  12YearsWasted
Lulu
Lulu
6 years ago

This is AWESOME, Rarity!

God bless you and your children!

Cheaterssuck
Cheaterssuck
6 years ago

Awesome Rarity! You are mighty!

RunningViolet
RunningViolet
6 years ago

Bravo, Rarity! Love your mightiness!

Chumpasaurus Rex
Chumpasaurus Rex
6 years ago

Wow! I’m in awe of your strength! Living well is absolutely the best revenge. You go, girl!

violet
violet
6 years ago

Living well IS the best revenge.

Artemis
Artemis
6 years ago

Rarity that is awesome! You are an inspiration to us all. I am not there yet, but working on that getting a life thing. It does get better!

CharityFroggenhall
CharityFroggenhall
6 years ago

No offense, but DAMN GIRL.

Also “Gotten the septorhinoplasty that I’d been wanting since junior high so I no longer look like the love child of Barbara Streisand and Adrien Brody” — I snickered.

Tessie
Tessie
6 years ago

Definition of a mighty chump = Rarity! What a amazing message of Hope! Hugs, Girlfriend!

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago

Congratulations on your Masters! What an awesome accomplishment… and something no one can ever take away from you!

Eat that cake eater!

#dignity
#pride
#awesomeness
#unchumped !!!!

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago

Rarity Your posts have struck me as insightful, funny and intelligent.
In Aus we love a good story of the under dog beating the odds. You are an inspiration to us and to your children.
Shame on him. Continue to kick ass like a warrior.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago

Rarity,

You. Are. A. Courocius*. Woman.
*Courageous + Ferocious, a rare combination. I have tears in my eyes and a big smile on my face.

With a mother like you, your HFA son will do well. My second son is a HFA and he is a fine botanist, makes a living being one.

Footnote [1] is hilarious.

I agree with you, Tracy’s diagnostics and her method are infallible to get us chumps to open our eyes and on the road to a better life.

A big hug!

Rarity
Rarity
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

That is so awesome. Thanks for the encouragement!

I honestly think my little HFA son is so bright (52% of people on the spectrum are smarter than average) and he’s kicking ass in ABA therapy right now. He’s the most popular kid in therapy, everyone loves him. Because he was born in late September, he’ll pretty much have 3 years of pre-K instead of 2 for catching up to his peers. I’m crossing my fingers.

UnknownComic
UnknownComic
6 years ago

This lifted my spirit high! (and your nose looks awesome!) Please, if it’s possible to post a link to the OWnarc’s blog post, I’m dying to see that too. Thanks for sharing your story. You really are an inspiration.

Rarity
Rarity
6 years ago
Reply to  UnknownComic

Here is an archived copy of her post. The text appears black-on-black, so you will have to highlight it to read it.

I urge chumps not to go looking for her actual blog and commenting on her post.

DemHoez
DemHoez
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Comparing herself to a Sex and The City role? Makes sense. Seems to be her level of intellectual depth.

She’s about as deep as a puddle.

Rarity
Rarity
6 years ago
Reply to  DemHoez

I love your avatar. Also, LOL!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Me me me. It’s all about me. Some people just shouldn’t ever be in a relationship because they are incapable of giving of themselves.

Rarity
Rarity
6 years ago

I actually think she’s a decent writer in that she can turn a phrase and add a good rhetorical flourish. It’s the oozing narcissism that renders the post banal—and that’s without the inside knowledge that she’s withering on her fainting couch over a four-month fling with a married father of two.

What’s really funny is that those ass-clowns were saying “I love you” less than two weeks after they started seeing each other. It’s obvious to everyone except her why their “love [wa]sn’t enough.”

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Passive voice, check, reference to S&TC (really funny after yesterday’s discussion!), check, thinks she’s Jane Austen, check. NARC!

DemHoez
DemHoez
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Poop boy did the same thing. They were talking about getting married within a month of the affair being outed. Most of this can be chalked up to people who simply cannot be alone in life.

Being alone has caused me some pain. There is a loss of status that comes from being a divorced, 35-year-old woman in the south. Some people probably see me as a failure. I graduated from college at 33 and am stuck as a cashier at a Wal-Mart, but such is life. I have an autistic child too, he’s non-verbal at age 6. I don’t date, it’s not something that will work out for me as most people would balk the moment they knew about my son. I say all of this because, despite what seems like a hard and unenviable description of my life, I am very aware that many people on this planet would kill to have what little I possess. Poop Boy? He can’t imagine that perspective. The world is never enough, it never gives enough. It’s a frequent theme I see among the cheater type – ungratefulness.

Life never gives enough for these people. They go from person to person, place to place, in a never ending search for something outside of themselves that will finally fulfill their being. Instead, they end up back in the same spot they always were.

Butterbean
Butterbean
6 years ago
Reply to  DemHoez

Dem- I hate that you are stuck working at Wal Mart when you went through the time and effort of university.

I don’t know if you are interested in teaching, but many programs are available for lateral entry. This means you apply, and you have two years to get your teacher certification.
AND (my sister is a school psychologist, I have the scoop) a great way to get your foot in the door is
*summer school*.

The teachers rightfully want their break, and they have lots of classes for the little turkeys who need to pass summer school to graduate, etc.

Once you show up, and don’t quit- you can get on for the full year, with benefits and a full pay packet. Most school systems have super insurance and then you could get your son more advanced therapy.

Just spit balling to think of a way to get you out of Wal Mart! 🙁

NewbieChump
NewbieChump
6 years ago
Reply to  DemHoez

I agree about the ungratefulness and never having enough! Expecting others to make them happy and blaming everyone else for all of their problems. Narcissistic cheaters and AP’s.. They’re all the same.

Rarity
Rarity
6 years ago
Reply to  DemHoez

“Life never gives enough for these people” is exactly right. Sending ((hugs)) to you and your sweet little boy. (I don’t know if this is an option for you, but ABA therapy has been amazing for my son. He makes observable progress every week.)

I’m on MyAutismTeam (the social network for autism parents and autistic people) if you ever want to join. I’m Rarity there, too.

Rarity
Rarity
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

I’ll check it out.

My brother has classic autism (age 33 now and still living with his father) and I used to babysit for a little autistic boy. This kid was about the same as my brother. I reconnected with his mother after my son’s diagnosis and was amazed to hear that he’s “cured” in that no one in his life knows he is or ever was autistic. He’s a little socially awkward (22 and never had a girlfriend), but he has a tech degree and is making good money and living independently.

I’ll always love my son no matter how his autism turns out, but the kid I babysat for showed me you never know how it will go.

Carmel
Carmel
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Lyndsy Karrie is doing amazing things in the science and mum world. She cured her son’s autism and is in the process of filming a documentary about it. Look up her name on Facebook or Leaving the Spectrum. Or GAPS.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Being a good writer doesn’t mean she has anything worth saying or any wisdom to impart.

Rarity
Rarity
6 years ago

Exactly. (And the name of her old blog, “Renaissance Woman Speaks” . . . pretentious much? *eyeroll*)

Rarity
Rarity
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

The black-text-on-black-background is not her fault. I Web Cite’d the page because I figured it would disappear eventually, and WebCite can’t always hold a page’s formatting. It had standard black-on-white text/background when I Cite’d it.

Thanks for the analysis of her SatC quotes! That does sound like her moral compass! I never watched that show, I heard it was anti-feminist trash.

My Christian faith is and was helpful because I accept that, while everything does not happen for a purpose, God can give purpose to everything that happens. I believe that I am a better and stronger person now that I’ve been through what I have. I have clearer boundaries and I know life is precious and not to be wasted. When abusive people try to worm their way into my life, I shut that down. I’ve survived a pregnancy as a single mom and can reassure other women who want to keep their babies that there is a way (that is not a call for abortion to be made illegal, I just don’t want women to end pregnancies they want to keep because they think there is no other way).

My daughter was born with a gigantic umbilical hernia. We had it repaired at 6 weeks. I cried as I handed her over to the surgeon. I knew that it was going to hurt her. I also knew that there was no other way and that, if I didn’t do it, there would be a gigantic bulge on her stomach for the rest of her life. She’s almost 11 now, has a tiny scar there and doesn’t even remember the pain.

I think of my infidelity experience like that. My husband was always an asshole and was dead weight. He was keeping me from fulfilling my purpose in life. He was a giant bulge on my stomach. The Bible says God sends lying spirits, well, maybe God sent a slutty woman to show me who my husband really was, and now the surgery is over. I don’t have the bulge anymore, and someday it will all be a tiny scar I don’t even remember.

I take the problem of God and pain very seriously and I know that isn’t a perfect and adequate explanation for everyone, but it helps me. Why couldn’t my daughter just be born without a hernia? Wasn’t there any way for me to become a stronger person without having to deal with infidelity? I don’t know, but it helps me.

I’ll close by quoting a passage from one of my favorite books, The Horse and His Boy by C. S. Lewis. The main character, Shasta, realizes there is something walking next to him in the dark. The thing walking next to him says, “Tell me your sorrows.”

—————-

Shasta was a little reassured . . . so he told how he had never known his real father or mother and had been brought up sternly by the fisherman. And then he told the story of his escape and how they were chased by lions and forced to swim for their lives; and of all their dangers in Tashbaan and about his night among the tombs and how the beasts howled at him out of the desert. And he told about the heat and thirst of their desert journey and how they were almost at their goal when another lion chased them and wounded Aravis. And also, how very long it was since he had had anything to eat.

“I do not call you unfortunate,” said the Large Voice.

“Don’t you think it was bad luck to meet so many lions?” said Shasta.

“There was only one lion,” said the Voice.

“What on earth do you mean? I’ve just told you there were at least two the first night, and—”

“There was only one: but he was swift of foot.”

“How do you know?”

“I was the lion.” And as Shasta gaped with open mouth and said nothing, the Voice continued. “I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the Horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you.” . . .

“Who are you?” asked Shasta.

“Myself,” said the voice . . .

Butterbean
Butterbean
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

She’s not the brightest light in the harbor:

1) You cannot read her post unless you know to highlight it. It just looks like a black screen.

2) She quoting Samantha from Sex and the City as her moral compass…that’s hilarious! In the scene she is mooing over, Samantha seconds before was a Peeping Tom to a threesome and slobbering over it.

The character as written in the movie was clinically insane- sure….most 50 year old women would leave a faithful, 35 year old smoking hot movie star that worships you because you want strange dick and to hit the singles scene as you wrestle menopause.

Wait….maybe that IS her moral compass.
Forget her dumb ass.

Rarity…you are…..SUPER FLY!!!

Question: Do you think your faith helped you reach your Meh? Your theological studies and your Christianity?

(no one lose their mind over religion…I get not digging religion or believing in anything supernatural

…but I need all the insight/help I can get). I am so far from Meh…I need someone to send out a rescue team to help me find it.

Mandie101
Mandie101
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

I tried…I really tried to read it. Too painful to read. She’s saying alot of nothing.

As for your rarity…Rock on! My daughter is a rarity fan. Maybe I should check her out.

AllieP
AllieP
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

The OW in my case is one of those hippie dippie living her truth “life coaches” as well. Gag me.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

GAG GAG GAG GAG GAG (I am capable of more eloquence, but didn’t feel it was deserved for such drivel.)

LiveForToday
LiveForToday
6 years ago

You made me cry AND gave me hope. YOU are mighty. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Cheater morals. Yep. Most messed up morals EVER.

chumpionsahm
chumpionsahm
6 years ago

Taking those three conditions for moving on to heart. Well put.

Congrats to you for showing the world how it is done. Very inspiring. Thank you.

Little Mighty Me
Little Mighty Me
6 years ago

Rarity, I’ve always enjoyed your posts and insight here with CN. So many of us are familiar with each other’s stories, it definitely feels often as though we know each other – even if we’ve never technically met.

So now Chump Nation gets to sit here, watching you accept the rewards on the stage of your mightiness, and I bet we all want to turn to everyone else in the audience and proudly say “That amazing woman right there? The one you are all so impressed with? Well, we KNOW her. She’s our friend!” so we can share in some of that radiant glow of Mighty. Good for you, girl.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago

I LOVE that you held up that sign at your graduation! Huge shout out to you and all of the 2014 cohort members who have a firm hold on that “gain a life” thing!!

Special snowflake ha!
Special snowflake ha!
6 years ago

Rarity- you are the very definition of AWESOME! You are an inspiration to all us chumps that life can, and will, get better with some elbow grease and righteous anger! You Rock!

Lldodd60
Lldodd60
6 years ago

Yes! Live life like it’s your last day. Since my divorce- still working shit jobs, going to school, providing emotional support for my sons, NO contact with ex, and best of all – looking better – feeling better – happier – and healthier than the two of them combined. Did I mention I am leaving for Spain in 1 month and 6 days?

Out West
Out West
6 years ago
Reply to  Lldodd60

Lldodd60,

I went to Spain last year too! So awesome! Enjoy. This getting a life gets easier each day. Enjoy your trip. You deserve it.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Lldodd60

Have a great time in Spain, Lldodd! Sounds like you’ve more than earned a fantastic vacation.

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
6 years ago

Rarity, you are owning your story, and I love it. Cheers to you for everything you’ve been through, and everything you’ve decided not to be defined by. You rule!

I was the only one of us working a paying job, and taking care of my 1-year-old alone when my ex chose to leave rather than end his relationship with his girlfriend. I regret nothing and am so glad I demanded that basic decency, and then watched him choose to leave. It was 100% worth it that day, and has been so ever since. I’m so, so glad he left. My ex continues to do terrifying shit like drive my toddler around drunk, so I wouldn’t say I fully “don’t care” what he does, but I’m gray rock all the way during exchanges. Very, very happily remarried now to (as with you) a sensitive, soft-spoken guy and loving life so much.

P.S. My kid is almost 4 and is into MLP; I recently decided that Rarity’s my favorite. Haha.

Rarity
Rarity
6 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

She’s my favorite, too! 🙂

thensome
thensome
6 years ago

Rarity you are awesome! Thank you for sharing. You are an inspiration.

Stephanie
Stephanie
6 years ago

You are such a great writer! And a mighty, mighty example with a generous heart. Bonus: you made me laugh. Well done, sister. I’m in awe of your spine!

WellRid
WellRid
6 years ago

Rarity, thank you for sharing this with us. You’ve shown us how hard work and no-contact can bring happiness and so much success! A huge congratulations for everything you’ve achieved – YOU ARE MIGHTY! ???

Clementine
Clementine
6 years ago

Rarity, you’re an inspiration. I was a pregnant chump, too, and I’ve been clawing my way out of hell since D-Day. Currently at the beginning of the divorce process. Your story shows me that there is, indeed, light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you.

Patty Morgan
Patty Morgan
6 years ago

Rarity, good for you-you are my hero. i don’t know you, but am very proud of you. Your kids have a heck of a strong person for a Mom.

heissobroken
heissobroken
6 years ago

Rarity you FUCKING rock! Congrats for coming out the other side!!! Stories like yours are proof that you can leave a cheater gain and gain a FULLING happy life away from the disordered.

We are a mess when our worlds get rocked but we are also proof that good does and can prevail.

BTW – I found CL and CN by googling coparenting with a narcissist and after being a lurker for some time, I found a safe place amongst people who truly understand what it is like to have to distance and disentangle yourself from the selfish lying people known as cheaters with no moral code.

Proud of you Rarity and your story is a beacon of hope for the hurt and lost ?

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
6 years ago

You rock it Rarity! Thank you for sharing your story, inspiring! You are a Jedi Ninja for sure 🙂

PS chumps, Carolyn Hax has a LW who was cheated on today, she wants to know if she should stay…
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-post-affair-is-a-cheater-never-to-be-trusted-again/2017/03/19/8789b430-0b5c-11e7-a15f-a58d4a988474_story.html?utm_term=.4f529d861754

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
6 years ago

Brilliant post! Absolutely brilliant!!!

Mehmehdancer
Mehmehdancer
6 years ago

Love this post by rarity . 8 months from D day and and 4 months from the divorce . Had a 16 year career but quit to care for 2 kids post divorce . The cheater’s alimony is sufficient for now . Needed a break to care for the kids and also to heal. Still doing occasional ugly crying while driving but the episodes are fewer and shorter these days . Went NC as soon as I could and never looked back . Glad to hear that Rarity could have such minimal contact with the cheater despite having joint custody of the kids as it’s what I am doing and hoping to continue to do . Realised that it is possible . The kids can talk or message him but i dun contact him at all . As long as alimony is paid and kids are picked up and dropped off on time . Hopefully , never have to see the ex at all until either of us drops dead . No career for now but happy being a full time mum to the kids , dreaming of yummy meals for them, pursuing my own interests and sports . Let time do it’s work .

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago

Rarity – what I admire so much in this story is that once you made your peace with the fact that there was no Unicorn, you got mighty and you put yourself and your children first… and you THRIVED!

But, to all of us, remember, it didn’t happen overnight. It’s like that movie with Bill Murray (Groundhog Day)… where every day (in the beginning) IT IS ENOUGH to just get out of bed and get through the day… because each day you are learning more about who you are and each day you are able to try out new ways of living (NO CONTACT!) and get your ducks in a row. Each day you move farther and farther away from the insanity your Fuckwit and closer to the light of happiness.

It has been 2.5 years since my D-day and my divorce was final in December. I’ve been single (no dates) the entire time. BUT – here is what I have done:

– divorce settlement that I wanted
– custody agreement that I wanted
– taking my son to Europe for vacation this year
– living debt free (except for mortgage!)
– have a savings and a 401K now
– started a college fund for my son
– sleeping a full night
– no more panic/anxiety attacks
– and, for what it’s worth, might’ve facilitated the demise of Mr. Sparkles and OW’s “relationship”

I have such peace now – I almost question it 🙂

Rarity – thank you for sharing your Mighty Story and also how you are serving God (I think they go hand in hand!).

Let’s do this CHUMPS… let’s make this a revolution of happiness.

Marked711
Marked711
6 years ago

Amen!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago

“I have such peace now – I almost question it”

Me too!!!!!! Sometimes I am waiting for some big horrendous surprise shit sandwich, but mostly I just enjoy the drama free existence.

kb
kb
6 years ago

Great story, rarity!

I remember when you first came here. I’m so glad that you are not only surviving, but thriving!

Fellow Chumps, take heart. It does get better. Give yourselves time and distance from your cheater, and go refill those emotional batteries by doing what’s meaningful for you.

Rarity
Rarity
6 years ago
Reply to  kb

You really have to do a guest post with your own story, kb. I remember ALL of it and you are amazing!

I was just thinking about you yesterday and how you patiently played the long game on your cheater and came out in the end. Glad you commented today!

Beth
Beth
6 years ago

Well. Rarity is the perfect name for you, girl. You are a treasure. I loved your post but that footnote. That footnote made my week. Maybe my month. Somehow it encapsulated the cheater syndrome perfectly and it was a fucking footnote. I’m a lawyer and a librarian so yeah… footnotes are kind of my thing. 🙂

So glad for you Rarity. I love a Chump story with a happy middle. The end of your life story is a long way off but I have faith it will be happy too.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

I also just sort of fell in love with you a little bit, Rarity, because of the footnote. — Honestly, after reading the posts here at CL, I think the cheaters were simply overwhelmed by chumps’ collective awesomeness. — So glad to hear your happy-ending story, Rarity!

Rarity
Rarity
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

LOL! I’m glad you liked it and I’m glad CL kept it. Half the time, if I submit a footnote in a guest post, it gets edited out.

BUT . . . do Web page footnotes count as endnotes or footnotes? Hmmm…. 😉

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Endnotes! Definitely endnotes. Put that mistake on my part down to a single cup of coffee before reading CL yesterday. 😉

Rarity
Rarity
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

I’m just tickled to meet anyone who knows the difference. lol

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
6 years ago

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4334226/Mother-loses-HALF-weight-ditching-cheating-ex.html

Another chump who thanks her breakup for her weight loss! And who has gained a life.

samk
samk
6 years ago

Good on you!

“Paid off my nose (now they can’t repossess it!)” I laughed and laughed and laughed.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  samk

The best part is that she repossessed her life. 🙂

samk
samk
6 years ago

Absolutely.

Roaring
Roaring
6 years ago

Congratulations on everything and good riddance to bad rubbish.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

Rarity you are an inspiration! It took such strength and determination to achieve a better life!

It’s also a reminder of just how much we can accomplish when we put our energy and focus on our own needs. Bravo, you look beautiful.

Capricorn
Capricorn
6 years ago

Rarity
I get the feeling that today’s posts are going to be a chorus of well deserved congratulations. It was so good to read your story today. Thanks so much for taking the time to think about your experience and pass it on. So it really is, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.
Best wishes for you and your new family going forward!!! ❤

CalmityJane
CalmityJane
6 years ago

What an awakening, Rarity. Hell of a story. I remembered when you started. Congratulations on all your successes since throwing that fucker out (personally, I love any opportunity to swear).

It hard to say “sorry it happened” when an outcome like this is so rewarding to witness. Just saying…

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  CalmityJane

I hope to go on to have a better life without STBX, but I refuse to ever give him credit for leaving me to make that possible.

She made her life awesome and no thanks to her idiot ex.

Mehphista
Mehphista
6 years ago

Rarity, your wit has always delighted me, you have a heart the size of a planet, and the content of your character shines forth.

Proud to call you a friend and fellow Chump.

Love to all in Chump Nation!