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Is Cake Better Than Abandonment?

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Have you heard the story of the threesome B. Smith, her husband Dan Gasby — and his girlfriend Alex Lerner? B. Smith is a retired lifestyle celebrity and restauranteur. Gasby is a former television executive. And Lerner is a blonde, white woman who nicely fills out a tight sweater.

All three of them live together. B has Alzheimer’s. Apparently, she has no idea who Lerner is.

According to the Washington Post:

Not long after, B.’s restaurants shuttered. Her appearances dried up. With Dan Gasby, her husband and business partner of more than two decades, she turned her efforts to speaking about Alzheimer’s and advocating for research. Then, she didn’t do much talking at all.

But Dan turned to social media. He took over their Facebook page, sending near-daily missives to their 30,000 followers on the realities of caring for a spouse who was rapidly forgetting him — the fear she’d developed, her anger and frustration, his own.

Then, in December, Dan posted a Facebook photo of himself with a woman with a thick blond mane and delicate features. They are beaming, a dapper couple out to dinner. But the caption referenced, of all things, an old rap song by 50 Cent and the Game. “Hate it or love it,” it read. “You can debate, but for me, I’m feelin’ great.” He even used a hashtag: #whylie.

The story goes on to commend Gasby for his bravery, not just in caretaking B (which his daughter from his first marriage apparently does the bulk of), but for the openness of his dating status.

Despite the online response, those who know Dan and B. defend the relationship. “Anybody that would judge Dan knows nothing about the disease and the toll it takes” on a marriage, Schnayerson said. “If you can find a companion who can help you get through that, all power to you.”

Dana also pointed out that her father has not abandoned B. by any measure. “She’s in this house. She’s here every day,” she said

Wow. Dan didn’t abandon his wife because of her dementia? Bitch cookie! All the shiny supermodel has worn off, but he’s still there fetching ginger ale (or his daughter and girlfriend are)? Bitch cookie! He didn’t divorce a dying woman and still gets her residuals? Bitch cookie!

Oh hang on. I can’t criticize, because I don’t know the toll dementia takes on a partner.

I was at a wedding last summer herding my uncle Matt from wandering away. He one of the 44 million people in the U.S. with Alzheimer’s. My aunt never gets a break. She is his only caregiver. (This is the Aunt of “Your Walls Will Sing” fame.) She left to get a drink. Matt and I discussed the brick wall. And insurance. (Even with dementia he could recognize a bad repointing job.)

Crazy thing. My aunt drove hundreds of miles with my uncle to be at the wedding. No boyfriend.

I’ve got a friend whose mom has dementia. They can’t keep caregivers because mom likes to shake people’s hands… and bite them. Her parents (Mennonites) are still together after nearly 60 years of marriage, chomping and all. Her dad (a retired surgeon) caretakes. No girlfriend.

I guess these are the portraits in courage that don’t get instagram followers or features in the Washington Post. You stayed with your wife! You didn’t leave Matt on the side of the road after his 16,000th digression!

Several things bother me about that B Smith story — the biggest is that she cannot consent to this “open” relationship. Would she have chosen to have Miss Clingy Sweater move in?

But worse, by validating Dan Gasby’s choice, or lauding it as some kind of bravery, it cheapens the idea of deep commitment, in sickness and in health. That he’s a good person for NOT doing the Terrible Thing, abandoning a vulnerable spouse.

What’s the underlying assumption here? Oh God, you poor man — she has ceased to be good kibbles. She’s can’t say her lines on Good Morning America. She isn’t well met at a party. She can’t dress herself. The wife appliance broke. Get a replacement part.

It must be awful to lose your spouse, slowly. To bear the weight of caregiving. To simultaneously have a loved one and lose a loved one. Who am I to demand courage? To resign another to years of loneliness?

I think love demands courage. And what’s the alternative? Your commitment is only as good as your health? Don’t get sick. Don’t get pregnant and fat. Don’t lose your job. Don’t have needs. Don’t wander. Don’t bite.

Fair weather love? Don’t bother. I wonder if B. Smith agrees. Too bad we can’t ask her. And neither can Dan Gasby.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I realize I’m writing for chumps, who may take this commitment thing to be a call to stay with anyone under any circumstances. NO. Leave the addicted, the mentally ill who won’t get treatment, and abusers.

    And it’s also okay to bail honestly and ethically in any marriage at any time.

    But this guy wants it BOTH ways (cake) — lauded as a dementia advocate/caretaker — and understood as needing new, exciting relationship.

    • Yeah. And that “residuals” thing in this story really bothers me. It is indeed all about cake and a poor demented woman being the prop for image management.

      And speaking of the W. Post, I am really looking forward to Chump Lady’s snark on its owner’s story. Especially since this Sanchez creature is the spitting image of the slut involved in my D-Day. My jaw dropped when I saw her pictures in the press.

      I was away for work when sparkledick took our son, who has emotional issues, to his favorite national park and his Sanchez-Look-Alike shows up PLUS her four children from what looks like 3 different fathers (there are at least two). Son felt so humiliated.

      • Exactly, they are still married so he gets to inherit. What a self serving piece of shit. It should all go to the daughter. All of it. Otherwise miss tight sweater will end up with it in the end.

    • Totally agree. the Today show has done a bunch or PR shows about it. Turned my stomach. please send Al Roker your column.

    • I have always admired and followed this couple who managed to stay together and be a team in an industry that supports and even encourages infidelity. So very disgusted with him now. NO sympathy. He deserves all the bad press he gets and so does she. They are both an embarrassment to the human species. I hope that this post from Chump Lady goes viral.

    • “bail … ethically”
      Somehow these words don’t go together

      bail: abandon a commitment, obligation, or activity.

      ethical: morally correct, right-minded, right-thinking, principled, irreproachable, unimpeachable, blameless, guiltless; righteous, upright, upstanding, high-minded, virtuous, good, moral; exemplary, clean, law-abiding, lawful; just, honest, honorable, unbribable, incorruptible; scrupulous, reputable, decent, respectable, noble, lofty, elevated, worthy, trustworthy, meritorious, praiseworthy, commendable, admirable, laudable; pure, pure as the driven snow, whiter than white, sinless, saintly, saintlike, godly, angelic; immaculate, impeccable; informalsqueaky clean

    • I can honestly say, were I to have moments of lucidity, ever, and find that my wife was with another man in any alleged capacity, just as I would have with my CW, I would rather no spouse to one I hear f*cking someone else in the house, during my most aware periods.

      I would always rather be honestly left than to have someone pretend to be With me, when really they are just using me for whatever remains that they can get from me.

      Heck, THAT is the nightmare that has happened already!

      Only while writing this does it fully strike me. That’s what finding out that people and situations, including my cheating wife and people at work, having Not been the way they were presented over several years, is very like having been in a coma or medical mental state of some kind, with a lucid recovery beginning on our DDay.

      Whoever’s idea/quote it may be, the way one treats a helpless person, or a person under their power in some way, truly shows the kind of person They are.

      So, cheating on your trust-biased, loving spouse parallels with a high degree of, what, paying the blind shopkeeper with $1 bills whenever they were supposed to be $100’s? just way magnified? Or someone who would pay their employees lousy just because there were no alternatives for them, but times what? 1000?

      On-topic sum up, let me say, “Be honorable, and leave me.”

      If you will not be loyal, all you are is a security risk and one third of whoever I thought you were.

  • I sometimes had to choke back a tear when watching some couples truly brave this awful disease to the end. It is beautiful. That is loyalty and honor. Cheaters just don’t have that depth in them.

    • C’mon people, don’t you get it??

      My cheater declares “Life’s short. Why shouldn’t I grab what I can?”

      Can’t you tell how DEEP that is?!

      Apparently he had that revelation after our daughter died, when he wasn’t being “heard”, so solved the problem with 10 years of dick deep in strange. Male and female. (I had no clue).

      As it turns out though, former close widow friend of mine gets it. She thinks the same and now they are “the love of each others’ lives”.

      Isn’t it just as well there are so many who can appreciate the “complexity” of cake-eating??

    • How twisted is this…my ex cheated with a girl who was living with a guy with a terminal condition…he said he was drawn to her example of true love…so he cheated with her on me, and she cheated on her dying common law and that was beautiful?? That was DISCUSTING!! What is beautiful about marriage is that you vow faithfulness to one another no matter what, because you love that person and are committed. Cheating is discusting, and cheating on a sick or dying spouse is a special kind of evil.

  • Would he have got away with the same situation 15 years ago, I don’t think so.
    Its sick in a way because she doesn’t know anything about it.
    It shows you what sort of man he is.
    What sort of woman is the ow, to stay in the house, she probably feels she’s supporting him.

  • This was one of my biggest fears. Not that the Dickhead would have another woman but I feared, in event of dementia or senility, that he would lie to his advantage. I was afraid that he would not care of me as a loving, honest, faithful spouse. He often told me that I didn’t remember situations clearly or misspoke often. I began to doubt my own mind and yet, I knew there were times that I was right. I never told anyone that I didn’t trust my own husband to properly look after me If I became incapacitated. He would have been Dan Gasby or worse.

    • Mine would have encouraged me to hurry up and die so he could gain sympathy points in pursuit of the next woman.

      • Reminds me of my narcissistic father. He was a mean SOB. In front of other people he would put on quite the show to garner sympathy for himself. In front of other people he would declare how he couldn’t go on without my mother. Behind closed doors I have heard him tell her, “I’m not killing you fast enough.”
        She was on life support. He pressured the rest of the family to make the decision to disconnect. Most did not want to take that responsibility realizing that this would be a way for him to spin the story. If he was feeling particularly pissy then he would blame the children that voted to take her off life support for being murderers.
        I live out of state. When I received the news that they had decided to take her off life support I knew I would not be present. I could not stomach my father making a scene making it all about his never ending commitment and love for her. It was sure to be theatrics. Each time I visited her I treated it as though it was going to be the last. I had already said my goodbyes long ago.
        My father outlived my mother my several years. He died with a vagrant living with him that my sister had hired to care for him. She was very much a narcissist too. She also played the martyr in the public eye. Everything she did was self serving.
        It’s a special kinda of crazy that many people can not phatom. It’s because they have never lived it and should consider themselves lucky.

        • It’s annoying that so many people think the husband is entitled to bring his side piece into the home. His poor wife has no one idea who the woman is. I would have more respect for the husband if he divorced her and then moved on. He sure has no problem cashing her residuals and writing a book!

    • Yep. I got this bullshit too: “You aren’t remembering anything accurately. I am really starting to worry that there is something wrong with you.”

      I am years younger and employed. He couldn’t hold a job. Yet, I was the one whose memory and reliability was questioned?!? He was using lots of prescription drugs and mixing them with alcohol. Yet, I was the one who might have memory issues?

      It is an insidious kind of threat.

      • Glad you’re out! He was probably telling others about your memory problem. My ex would say to our sons, “You know your Mom. She doesn’t always remember things correctly.” It is insidious!

      • After DDay I was wishing I had recorded our conversations because he was contradicting himself every other day and would then deny what he had said the day before as if I were the crazy one. I was almost starting to believe it might be true except that I was acting on the things he said and I would not have done so if he hadn’t said them. That and even the things he did remember saying were crazy and totally out of character (or so I thought).

        • Ex also deny saying things he’d said the day before then tell me he was seriously concerned about my mental well being. Sometimes after he’d say he was concerned, he’d look at me with this phony concerned look on his face.

          He said it so often I began to question myself and wondered if I there was something wrong with me. I’d replay our conversations over and over in my mind knowing he had said something he adamantly denied.

          The only thing he was serious concerned about was himself. Ex told anyone who would listen that he tried everything, that I refused to get help and he couldn’t live with me and my mental illness any longer. This after he refused MC and at that time I was seeing a therapist who confirmed that there wasn’t anything mentally wrong with me.

          • That’s vile. At least in my case I think my ex really was just a bit out of his head at the time and it wasn’t a deliberate attempt to make me doubt my sanity.

          • I got, “Only listen to me. When you hear something that doesn’t agree with what I told you, tell me who said it and I can explain it to you.”

            There were also times that he would say things like “I don’t scramble well, so don’t listen to what I say at first.”

            Words. Actions.

            I have mixed feelings about this posting though. It’s agreed that he is a real douche who is staying married for the $$$.

            However. I know that people who choose to leave an ill partner, ethically—are still castigated as an asshole, selfish and self serving, getting death threats over it. You simply cannot win in the situation—nobody does.

            If you choose to leave ethically, an ill partner, because you realize in yourself that you simply aren’t capable—is that better than trying to stay and take care of someone in a capacity that you know you cannot provide?

            What an ethical dilemma. The guy in this story is an absolute shithead and he deserves to develop some illness be it mental or physical—and have blondie there do to him, what he’s doing to his wife.

            I just wonder why it’s not perfectly okay that if someone realizes their own limitations (THIS IS NOT THE GUY IN THE STORY) and chooses to opt out—and they do it on the up and up—they’re douchebags and assholes and motherfuckers.

            I know it’s not the same analogy, but in my line of work, it’s an obligation to care for those who are vulnerable because of illness and injury. But I am abused routinely by these patients as well as administrators and co-workers. It’s sadly a part of our healthcare system now.

            If I were to come home tomorrow night—and just say…Fuck This Shit. I am quitting. I give my 3 weeks’ notice. I move on. Or I quit healthcare altogether—and go pump gas.

            This is an ethical way to end the relationship. However, I will get a black mark on my job record. I will not get a recommendation from my manager. I will be talked about as the asshole who left the schedule in a bind.

            You simply cannot win in these situations, and “acting ethically” …think that through. So what if guy in story left her the day he found out about her Alzheimers, took half her fortune and shacked up with some tart he met on PlentyOfFish?

            He told her he couldn’t take care of her in that condition. Isn’t that honest? Or is this a case of having to sacrifice at all costs—even if you cannot handle it?

            I don’t know.

            I was told that “If I had known you were going to be X (usually it was fat. or was in an accident and sustained a TBI which effected everything, including libido)…I would never have married you.”

            I just don’t know.

            • If you can afford to put your spouse in a place where he/she can get better care than you can provide on your own it makes sense to do so and it is better for everyone involved. If you still love your spouse you should still visit often and do your best to make life easier for them as you are able. If you don’t have the capacity to follow through on your “for better for for worse” vows, then get divorced and make sure they have sufficient funds to cover their care (and/or half of all assets whichever is greater).

              • Chumpinrecovery, which is the ethical thing to do. I can only imagine how well the wife is being taken care of byDan and his girlfriend.
                Dan has the financial ability to hire the best in home care available which should have been his first choice to ensure all her needs would be met by an expert caregiver.
                As others have mentioned we don’t know if his wife drifts back into thinking clearly. Evidently Dan isn’t concerned. I would imagine it would be sheer terror being trapped in your mind struggling to think clearly and the moments you have some clarity seeing your husband cuddled up with a young blonde and feeling helpless.

      • Eilonwy, yes. I was deaf, according to him, deaf and losing my memory. I didn’t hear him when he ‘told me things’ that it turned out he had never told me (I was able to prove a few incidents of his gaslighting in this vein to myself). Things like significant events concerning his work friends before we went out with them. And then reproving me afterwards ‘that was embarrassing NewChump; they are your friends too but you acted like you knew nothing about . Which I didn’t, because he had not mentioned it to me. I remembered everything about them that he DID tell me (which wasn’t very much because he really wasn’t that interested in them either, except as an audience for him) – or that I found out from talking with them at various social events.

        I went and got my hearing checked. Turned out I have remarkably acute for my then 53 year old self. He of course didn’t have time to undertake the hearing test he promised to take if I took one first. I can’t say for a fact that he is deaf (please see previous sentence), but he always had the TV up so loud it was deafening to be in the same room. He either couldn’t (or pretended not to) hear me when I spoke to him more often than not especially in latter years; Even when we were driving just the two of us in the car. That’s a weird experience, saying something and getting absolutely no acknowledgement that you have spoken when only the two of you are there.

        And he either didn’t hear or forgot many things I told him, or any little errand like posting a letter on the way home that I might VERY occasionally ask him to do. I also managed our incredibly busy family schedule without a hitch, keeping a communal diary for all 7 family members (kids were at school at the time – they’re grown now pretty much) as well as paid work 30 hours a week, cooking, shopping, washing, cleaning, dishes, homework supervision and bathtime (when the kids were smaller) maintenance, doctor and dentist, you name it I did it while the TV blared away in the back room … there is nothing wrong with my memory.

        So, anyway, when my hearing was certified as fine, then he switched tack – I was possessed, mental, hormonal/menopausal, bitter and twisted, ugly cow, mean bitch, (for starters, there were lots more) every time I disagreed with him or showed anger – or, finally, called him on his treatment of me after I read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That, and realised that my ex-husband was a classic abuser.

        This is what led me to muse on how he would treat me if I WAS frail and needing care. His abuse was already not just verbal and emotional but pushing, pinching and blocking my entry /exit to rooms sometimes, not to mention what I now am not afraid to name as sexual abuse. Scary.

        I left 2 years ago, and keep NC. Oh the relief … I see it increasingly clearly now, and am still gobsmacked at myself for taking it all; but when you are in the middle of it you just stuff it down because you are so damn exhausted and there is so much else to do just to keep the family show on the road and his tantrums are so awful to endure and somehow you think he has a case and might be right about you. Because you look in the mirror and you have got fat and old and careworn and short-tempered. You never accuse him of being fat and old and a mean SOB because in your mind and heart he is the man you love and married who loves you and like you bears the marks of building the life you thought you were building together.

        But really you were building something and he was sneaking around behind you tearing it down. And then it begins to dawn on you that whatever good came out of your marriage was most likely down to you, trying, trying, trying, slaving, hoping, loving and praying in the face of Mr Destructo tearing you and your work down at every opportunity. And then he starts tearing down the children and trying to destroy my relationship with them with his malice – the children he is supposed to be a father and guide and example for. It sounds so melodramatic, but I do believe at the end it was downright evil what was going on in my marriage. If someone was possessed, it certainly wasn’t me. The quintessential Chump, that’s me.

    • This was one of the realizations I made as my therapy continued and I realized what a crappy person Narkles the Clown is. I could never have counted on him to care for me. It’s as simple as that. He didn’t even stick around when I was in the hospital after having my baby, the one he fathered. Instead he just had to go to work to pay for the bills. At the time I didn’t understand that he should have been thee advocating for us and taking care of us.

      It wasn’t until I needed surgery last year that I really saw it. Boyfriend took me to the appointment, waited for me, talked with the doctors about caring for me afterwards, made arrangements to ensure I was taken care of the next day when he had to leave for a few hours and actually held my hand. It’s the kind of thing that still makes me cry.

  • He has no couth.
    If this is what you’re choosing to do because the situation is not tenable, then do it quietly for god sake’s.

    #whylie

    #WhyPublicize? #FeelingsOfGuilt?
    #WantingValidationFromOthersThatThisIsA-OK?
    #ShutTheHellUpAndLeaveThisWomanHerDignity

  • I thought the story was sick when I saw it. Until death do you part is the marriage vow for non broken marriages. You don’t choose what you have to do for each other. I’ve seen so many couples do the right thing. Neither of my parents would see another person while one is dying. They have to put the spouse first. A narcissist, on the other hand, does exactly what this man is doing. Just putting himself first.

  • Gold Star for this run of the mill asshole!!!

    I spent many years caring for my Dad who had Alzheimer’s after my Mom passed from cancer at an early age.

    I swear that X couldn’t relate since his parents were young and healthy. It took away from his needs and therefore he felt justified to go seek attention elsewhere.

    Cake is never the answer. My husband ( no longer ) actually told me that he was thinking about moving Schmoopie and her kids into our house because “she was having problems in her marriage”.

    I shut that down very quickly. I am no Sister Wife.

    These fuckers live in a very different world!!!

  • I guess I’m not understanding the argument here. Are you suggesting it would have been better for him to abandon her rather than remain her caretaker while starting a new relationship? Or do you feel he should not be on a new relationship at all until B tragically dies, possibly 30 years down the road.

    She doesn’t know who he is anymore. She doesn’t know he’s her husband. Alzheimer’s is tragic. Truly heartbreaking for everyone involved.

    Cheaters suck. Hard. But I think this is a completely different situation. He remained at B’s side from the start of her illness and still remains devoted to her care. When she got to the point where she completely forgot him and there was no chance of ever regaining her memories of their love, he then became open to a new relationship. But he also kept his promise to be there for B in sickness and in health.

    Alzheimer’s is not like cancer (which I have) or MS or other illnesses. It steals your memories. It steals your past and your future at the same time. It’s brutal and cruel and heartbreaking.

    I don’t think this belongs in the same category as despicable cheaters who need something new and exciting simply because they are bored or need a self-esteem boost, or who are faced with a life challenge and choose to deal with it by just moving on to something shiny and new. This guy doesn’t seem like he needs kibbles. His marriage was ripped away from him by the cruelty of Alzheimer’s. I see his situation as closer to those of us who were deceived and had the rug pulled out from under us.

    • B is alive and breathing. Her body is intact, but her mind has died. Still, she remains a human being, until she takes her last breathe.
      I think it is the disrespect for the vow part, ” in sickness and in health”, the great and visible, disrespect for this, is what bothers most people.
      B does not know who her husband is, BUT, he knows who B is. She is his wife.
      He lacks integrity and respect. He is putting his own wants and needs first.

    • I think when you take vows in sickness and in health you don’t add clauses… cancer or MS, yes; dementia for 30 years, no.

      I for one was never tested since I left a cheater to gain a life, but I know I meant those vows and was more than prepared to keep them. I took my mom in with dementia. It’s tough. My aunt lived for 15 years with Alzheimer’s and did not speak or know her 8 children. These are the uncomfortable realities, sad, but true life unknowns we all face. It’s not easy and as CL’s post reminds us it is tough on the loved one’s caregivers.

      I remember a story of a man who came to his Alzheimer’s stricken wife’s nursing home daily. He was old too and alone and it was a struggle to get there (he could not care for her well at home any longer).

      Well meaning people suggested he not be so diligent and he should go home and get on with his life. They said, “She doesn’t remember when you’ve been here and she doesn’t even know who you are.” He repliesd, “but I know who she is. She is my beloved still.”

      That’s the character of a man I want in my life. Someone truly committed and willing to be uncomfortable and stand firm acting out the decision to love till the end. It’s who I want to be for someone should I ever marry again.

    • I understand your position, and I can’t disagree.

      My mother dies of Alzheimers complications, about a decade after my father died. Having to put her in a nursing home instead of taking care of her ourselves was dreadful.

      This is a disease no one can handle by himself or herself.

      • He’s not handling it by himself. The daughter is handling it, which leaves him the time and energy to have a new relationship.

    • I suspect there are men and women who are quietly finding some comfort in a companionship relationship while caregiving . . assuming they have the time to devote to building a relationship. Which takes time. Time. Something a caregiver never seems to have. So maybe a wealthy caregiver? Or a caregiver who a nurturing, live-in daughter? Because my sister’s husband just died . . and the LAST thing on her mind was finding a new relationship for her lonely self. She was longing for a good night’s sleep, maybe. My mother was my father’s caregiver. Same. Had my ex gotten ill? I would have been there. Same.

      And the social media whoredom. LOOK AT ME. I’m a sexual animal with needs! We are supposed to think that. I read the article – and that LEPT out. Men have needs. It is all too easy to fall into that 20th century b.s. Of course this piece of his private life does not belong on social media. But – in this case – keeping it secret from his wife isn’t really any fun. Instead? He’ll brag about it. #WhyLie? Exactly. It’s not any fun to lie.

      Oh how he loved having a beautiful, accomplished, articulate wife on his arm. But then she wasn’t. It got too hard.

      They hate the too hard stuff. Maybe that’s why they never seem to finish a project, but seem perfectly willing to start another. A sick wife? Just another unfinished project. Next.

      • I watched him on ” The View” promoting his book. One of the co-hosts Sunny Hostin (whose grandfather bailed when his wife got dementia.Sunny and her husband took care of grandma) asked Gasbag “How is B. doing ?” Dbag’s answer “She looks great, she could still wear a bikini. She’s a toddler.” That said it all for me right there. Appearances are everything and she’s no longer of any use to him. He claimed that they discussed her decline before things got too bad and she agreed to some kind of arrangement. I call BULLSH*T ! Publish on his F*ckbook page the signed document where she consented to him getting a girlfriend who spends several nights a week in their house f*cking in a room next to B.’s. He’s taking care of her ? I don’t think so, I think his daughter (her stepdaughter) and home care aides are looking after the “toddler”. He’s too busy playing sad sausage and getting his d*ck wet with the German mistress (not that her nationality is germane to this effed up story but it adds that European flair)

    • Even taking and understanding your position, why is the woman LIVING IN B.’S HOUSE? Why is that necessary other than it makes it convenient for both of the cheaters? There was a video that someone in the media who knows B. took in the Hamptons that shows Dan Gasby and the OW frolicking in the pool and publicly caressing and kissing. Please note that B. was also in the Hamptons with them, although not at the pool at that moment. Whether she is suffering from Alzheimer’s or not, I think she should be afforded the common consideration, respect and dignity of a spouse and a human being.

      • Not to mention, there are moments of lucidity. There are times when she can recognize but not well express what’s happening around her or to her. She’s trapped in an ill body and mind. It’s frustrating even when everyone is kind and considerate of them. I cannot imagine how she feels, being trapped in a marriage with this parasite and unable to do anything about it except give up and will yourself to die.

        Alz. runs on both sides of my mother’s family. The women ALL get it. The men die too young to get it. I know what it looks like. I grew up with cranky, agitated old ladies who gave us situational whiplash. All of us kids were pretty emotionally tough from things like having great-great Aunt Lois or our great grandmother reading us a story, snuggled up in bed with big, fat cats and then she’d turn… scream and shake us off, slap the cat away, shout for a husband who committed suicide in 1944, shit herself, etc.. Then sob for hours once she was back to herself, completely embarrassed.

        There’s no way she doesn’t know what’s going on… she just can’t express it. I hope her daughter gets out from under that gaslighting douchebag of a father, gets POA, and divorces her father on B’s behalf.

      • I work in health care on a locked Alzheimer’s unit.

        This is similar to a situation we had with on female patient who, sadly passed away a few years ago.

        When she was a new admit, she was stunning. Gorgeously, dynamite, with an infectious laugh, wicked humour and energy that did not stop. We were delighted to have her.

        There was always an old man visiting her, we thought “maybe her dad”. We were busy and were still getting to know her and her family situation…

        Then a second man showed up, one night, and I caught them making out. He had her in her room, there was groping. She was consenting and seemed interested in it. I gently interrupted them with snacks and coffee. I asked her who he was. They said he was her husband. Okaaay.

        About 30 minutes later the old man shows up. I had to assist her roommate with something, so I was listening on the other side of the curtain. Both men were sitting there with her, but it was very tense and my intuition was screaming that something wasn’t right, so I again, interrupted and introduced myself to the old man. I asked him how he knew the patient. “I’m her husband,” he said.

        My mouth dropped open. I looked at the old man and then at the other man.

        The old man says, “her CURRENT husband. THAT is her first husband….”

        Omg.

        I immediately excused myself and went to my supervisor to report everything that had happened.

        The first husband was banned from our facility by the second husband. We found out later that the first husband had been abusive, but she had had a son with him, and it was their son who told the first husband where she was located. He made a beeline for her and fully took advantage of her Alzheimer’s because although she did remember him as her husband, she just could remember he wasn’t her CURRENT husband. (Note that we NEVER met her son and she was in our care for about 5 years).

        We adored her current husband and he was absolutely devoted to her. He said he had kept her at home as long as he could but she would wander at night and he would tie a rope to her leg and tie her to the bed. Then he would lock the bedroom door and sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor outside their bedroom. For 2 years.
        He was exhausted by the end and cried when she was placed with us, feeling that he still hadn’t done enough to keep her at home.

        At our facility, she never had a full night sleep. She paced the halls 24 hours. She developed painful callouses on the bottoms of her feet as a result. To feed her we had to walk beside her and feed on the go.
        She was a handful. The staff remarked that we had no idea how he had even kept her at home as long as he did.

        He visited her every other day, bringing their dog. She adored their dog but would get very angry when he would leave. She felt abandoned and was convinced that left her at our facility so he could be with another woman.

        After 4 years, his health deteriorated and he had to move in with his daughter who lived in another province. Because he was so far away and worried he would not be able to make sound decisions for her, he passed along his decision-making powers to her son (who we never met as he never, not once, visited).

        The first decision her son made, was to allow his father, her abusive 1st husband, access back into our facility. He would saunter in with his new girlfriend tagging along, full of gifts his girlfriend picked out for her.

        By this point, the patient was wheelchair bound and fairly incoherent. She had random moments of lucidity. They would come and visit and wheel her in to a common room that staff could observe. And the patient KNEW. She did not like the girlfriend. She would swear at her. Throw the presents at her. Become agitated. It was like she was jealous. It was awful. After these visits, we would have to put the patient to bed, and she would be upset. She would become physically and verbally abusive towards staff, and would cry. It was horrible. He eventually stopped coming at all. She would be out-of-sorts for days afterwards.

        So, can an Alzheimer’s patient experience jealousy? In my opinion, yes. They may not be able to verbalize their discomfort, but their behaviours will escalate.

        As for the situation CL describes where the OW is living alongside the wife, even with Alzheimer’s, I personally find that appalling and would be curious to know if her behaviours revolve around the presence of the OW….

        • That poor woman. I’m glad she had a devoted husband in her life, for at least some years while she was lucid.

          The first husband — what a fucking monster. Everyone go make advance directives! I think “no visits from shitty exes” should top the list.

    • He NEEDS the attention and validation enough to give interviews and write about his lifestyle all the time so I’d say there is some kibble need there. He also still trades on her name and fame to draw attention as well as on the residuals of her work for money. If he were self supporting, say with his wife’s money in a trust for her care that passed to her children when she passed, and he didn’t seek out the lime light using her name and condition to do so I’d buy this a whole lot more. As it is, I’m sorry heck yeah he’s in it for the kibble and the money. Nothing at all prevents him from divorcing B AND still caring for her if his relationship with her kids is so great. But he wouldn’t have a free hand with the moolah, the notoriety, or the buffer from shmoopie’s put a ring on it expectations.

    • So get divorced if you’re not up for the caretaking. It IS rough. Imagine he was hit by a bus tomorrow or had a stroke from the internal stress of being duplicitous, conniving asshole. Whatever would happen then is the same as what would happen if he abandoned her honestly. She’d be taken care of. There are homes. Her daughter can live with her just as she does now. She has the funds…

      AhHA! But HE wants those funds for himself, not eaten up by caretakers. With anything left, it would go to her nearest relative: her daughter, not him. His daughter would benefit, solely, not him. He can’t have that. Why have half of the present assets, at most (there might be a prenup?), when you can have ALL of the assets that keep.on.growing? And keep daughter on the hook for the unpleasantness, at the risk of losing the money down the road.

      This way, Sad Sausage gets to keep it all, have a caretaker, AND have girlfriends.

    • What you say might have some validity if this creep had the decency to do it in secret. Instead, he publically humiliates his wife. It might have some validity if he didn’t brazenly bring his gold-digging mistress into their home to humiliate his wife to her face. Worse, to let his mistress be a caregiver? WTF? He has the money (from his wife) to hire skilled caregivers that he isn’t fucking. He brings the mistress around because he gets off on cheating right in front of his wife. B. would not consent to this if her faculties were intact and he knows it. This is elder abuse, and he’s doing it in the public eye. The reason he doesn’t leave her is obvious; he inherits her fortune if he stays. The man is an absolute monster.

    • Sue, I’m in total agreement. To see a moment in time with a person with Alzheimer’s doesn’t show the total devestation the loved ones experience stage by stage and the patience and care needed. Personally, I believe he’s doing what’s best for his wife with love and courage.

      His daughter is a living example of the respect she had for the woman she calls mom.

      I don’t believe a one of them is taking advantage of her. He’s not divorcing her, he’s maintaining a home for his wife with the support of another woman.

      Yes, it may appear inappropriate yet if you haven’t experienced day to day, year to year involvement with a person with Alzheimer’s and the round the clock needs it might seem disrespectful.

      Her quality of life requires being surrounded by those who love her the most.

        • I have seen the devastation. In our case, we all rallied, but there were many of us. It doesn’t appear that she’s being mistreated in any way and being with the same faces causes so much less anxiety. It certainly is a difficult situation and my thoughts are that it’s being treated as delicately as possible. There ARE at least 2 lives involved and this can go on for years. Even as chumps, we still must have compassion for all involved and leave the anger and bitterness out of it. Just sayin’…

      • You’re including her husband’s gold-digging mistress in those who “love her most”? When it’s B’s gold she’s digging. brazenly, right in front of her in her own home and her husband is flaunting it publically? Lol. That’s a kind of “love” B can do without. The love of her money, that is.

          • Of course not. He couldn’t inherit her fortune if he divorced her. His mistress is in it for B’s money as well. Bringing his whore into the marital home as an extra “caregiver” and humiliatingly flauting her in the media is monstrous. B would not consent to this arrangement if she was capable of informed consent. If it is not consensual, it is abuse. You don’t forfeit your right to be treated with respect when you get sick.

      • So why does he need a side dish fuck? He did PROMISE in sickness and in health. If the roles were reversed and B had a live in lover you can bet she’d be SKEWERED.

        Stop making excuses for these low character men. TIMES UP!

      • After the public display of affection between the husband and the “caretaker” mistress around the pool in the Hamptons (which I saw on the video that was being shown by B.’s friend), there was a dinner and B. was there with the husband and the mistress and the friend was sitting at the table with them. Gasby made a comment about B. being one of the kindest and most loving women he’d ever known. The “caretaker” mistress hit him in the arm – hard – and asked him how he could make such a statement with her sitting there. The woman he was talking about was his wife and was paying for the accommodations and meal the mistress was enjoying. Apparently, the mistress on some level is competing with this very sick woman.

        Yes, caretaking is difficult, time consuming and it is important that caretakers take care of themselves, as well as their loved ones. It is important, where and when it is possible that they take time just for themselves. What I don’t understanding is how that translates into having a very public affair with your sick wife’s caretaker and then continue to have the affair partner function as a caretaker and live in the house which was probably purchased with your wife’s significant income. Why is the public flaunting of the affair necessary?

        No one is unsympathetic to the rigorous demands of caretaking anyone who has a long-term illness, and particularly one as insidious and difficult as Alzheimer’s. Some people have a nurse scheduled to come in (which I’m sure could happen in this case) or have round the clock professional caretakers to assist them to attempt to prevent the caretakers from getting burnout. The further along the Alzheimer’s progresses, the more difficult the caretaking becomes.

        The “caretaker” mistress has an agenda that primarily serves her needs and not B.’s. “Caretaking” of B. is more of means to an ends. And let’s face it – if she slaps B.’s hand like a child’s in public view, it begs the question what is she perhaps comfortable slapping in private?

        I think I am going to reserve my compassion for the real victim in this scenario and that’s B.

        • Yes, I would suspect there is some amount of physical abuse if the mistress a “caretaker”. We know there is the emotional abuse of moving his whore in, flaunting her in front of B and humiliating her publically. B is not capable of consenting to this situation and surely would not consent if she was of sound mind. This situation reeks of elder abuse and should be investigated.

      • I care for a disabled family member, along with having a full time job and other commitments, and you just do what needs to be done, without expectation of reward or ego kibbles. One does not “need” to be in a relationship – and anyone who says they need to be, is spouting utter bullshit. If he felt the need that he couldn’t care for her (which is a cop-out of an excuse in the first instance – whatever happened to “in sickness and in health”) then there are people who can do so – not a fucking OW.

    • Too bad. You marry someone, you accept them, with any and all illnesses, provided they aren’t abusing you. Saying “she doesn’t know him anymore” is nothing more than a cop-out excuse from someone who puts this sort of stuff in the “too hard” basket. It’s all about kibbles for this clown.

      Life is hard as shit, but you deal with things as they come. I’m speaking from personal experience with this.

  • Yes I believe the x would have been like this. Couldn’t shake the feeling he did not have my back for years before the discard. I’m better off with my kids and sister if this happens than with a husband who would abandon at my weakest moment.

    • Mine too. And if I seemed to be recovering he’d probably drug me back into submission – pill pushing doctor husband that he is. His latest schmoopie is a “recovering” opioid addict, while I turned over a whole shoebox full of unused meds he prescribed to the county’s collection program.

  • What is really sad about aged brain diseases, is that sometime the person forgets they are married. My mother worked in a nursing home and walked in on dementia patients making out….despite they were married to other people. However, they do have many moments of lucidity where they realize what’s going on. I imagine it’s like being drugged. Where one temporarily goes into reality, and then slips back. My very elderly aunt can’t remember me…unless I tell her I am her sister’s daughter. Then, she lights up in her eyes as she remembers her sister.

    Let’s see if PYT blond sweater wipes his butt when he gets old.

  • Dementia advocate, dementia shmadvocate, there is even more selfish cake-eating going on here in the form of “staying”. He clearly doesn’t give a shit about her anymore, he loves the kibbles and cash that comes in from being an “advocate” and he’s still riding that clever set-up he has. And he’s not getting divorced EVER, because he stands to gain a shit ton of cash once she passes on….which he can then spend on schmoopie pants who’s patiently biding her time dealing with ‘ol what’s her name, you know, that inconvenient wife who’s still sticking around. They both know exactly what they’re doing. SO. MUCH. MANIPULATION. No real love or care. Zero. Cheaters and cake-eaters the both of them.

  • Loyalty is not considered a positive trait any longer in any circumstance.
    Kids today think if you stay with a company longer than 5 years you’re a fool. Sadly what is now considered the “norm” is self-centeredness with a “what’s in it for me” attitude.
    Committment requires sacrifice.
    Sacrifice is not a welcome idea these days. You Only Live Once is the refrain that I always hear nowadays.

    • Funny, my ex hated entitlement in others but he was the most entitled of them all. He didn’t see it that way though. He thought of himself as the poor burdened soul who was making all of the sacrifices. He never recognized let alone appreciated what others did for him.

    • I do NOT trust people who frequently trot out the YOLO crap. It is a valid idea. For instance YOLO: so you shouldn’t waste it with a cheater. But, it seems like the kind of people who champion YOLO are never thinking about anyone but themselves. Think about it. Anytime someone is saying that, they are always championing doing something irresponsible, thoughtless, dangerous or uncaring. YOLO: jump out of a plane despite the fact that you can’t afford lessons really and your kid needs braces. YOLO: get drunk out of your mind, so what if it keeps you from having a steady job. YOLO: sleep with as many people as you can regardless of who gets hurt. I have never heard these YOLO afficianados say YOLO: study hard and get an advanced degree. Or, YOLO: keep it in your pants so you don’t spread STDs. How about, YOLO: so keep your wedding vows. If you can’t keep those vows because you have discovered you are a shallow piece of shit, get divorced honestly. No, I do not trust the YOLO crowd.

      • Amen. YOLO was trotted out by my cheater’s mistress as an excuse for her alcoholism and serial cheating.
        YOLO people are parasites, taking up space and resources they don’t deserve and causing harm to others in the service of pleasing themselves. I say since you only live once, at least be an honorable and decent person. Do some good if you can. Don’t just indulge your selfish, entitled self in gross, immature behavior in the name of allmighty “fun”.

  • There’s a world of difference between caring for someone who has been a loving and faithful partner and deciding to stay with an abuser. And there’s something pretty disgusting about a man who would advertise on social media that he is stepping out on his wife suffering dementia. No shame. No remorse. No empathy.

  • Yeah this one is tricky, I grant you in that you have to walk in someone’s shoes before you polish off your critique but my worries are thus. So she doesn’t know who her husband is? Probably, but you can’t say for definitely and maybe she has moments when she does. I can only equate this to finding myself in this situation and realising for perhaps one moment each day my shitty ex and his schmoopie are living in my house looking after me. And I am too unwell to do anything about it. Horrendous. I mean how on earth could you not even think, I wonder if my wife has even one lucid moment a day where she sees me living here with my girlfriend.

    Now, I am sure this sounds like the cheating of which none of us are advocates but could you not keep the girlfriend out of the house/out of sight and at some discreet distance. I want to totally shit all over their decision to have a relationship but I haven’t had to deal with caring with someone with dementia over many years so I won’t. But to live in the same house??? It’s so nauseous as to be deeply disturbing, like something from a 1970’s Dennis Potter TV drama.

    I have this recurring nightmare that I end up in an accident or in some way incapacitated and my awful ex is by my bedside holding my hand or looking at me and I don’t have the physical ability to tell him to fuck right off and leave me alone. I wonder if that’s what she is feeling somewhere deep down. Troubling. And yeah singing and dancing about it on social media. Give me strength, where is their dignity.

    • It’s about integrity for me. Either go or stay. My mother had dementia and spent her last few years in a secure facility because she nearly blew up her house. So if the person with Alzheimer’s or dementia doesn’t make a plan ahead of time, the family (including any spouse) will have something to say about where the patient will be best cared for. And the spouse will be in control of the money needed to care for the dementia patient.

      At the point where the couple separates (either the patient goes to live in a secure facility, with some arrangement financially to secure treatment for life) or stays in the home, while the spouse leaves, then for me it’s like any other separation or divorce, with the exception of how money and the estate are handled. Dementia care is expensive, so actual physical separation has to leave the resources needed to care for the spouse who is ill. Dementia can go on for years. Some people aren’t meant for the long haul when a partner is ill. But the choice shouldn’t be spitting on the marriage and the literally unwitting partner they are betraying.

      That’s why this situation is a cake-fest. He gets kudos for taking care of his wife in her serious illness, he gets a sparkly mistress, and he gets all the money.

  • Entitlement through and through! I shouldn’t have to give up a sex life with a blonde bombshell just because my wife has dementia. Poor me, I need love and affection blondie is warm and loving. Dementia ridden wife just isn’t holding up her end of the marriage.

    This years fuckwit of the year award goes to…..

    • You nailed it. That is exactly how they think. So selfish. Vows, what vows? Those were for my spouse who isn’t following through on making me central.

  • I watched this play out on an episode of Grace & Frankie on Netflix. Grace couldn’t do it to the guy’s wife who had Alzheimer’s and I couldn’t have done it either.

    Yes, it would be hard to have a partner who didn’t remember you, I get that. But it is still cheating if you replace that partner before they are gone. Just my two cents.

    • What a great episode; illustrating she could never be the prick Martin Sheen was, to her. And! this Dan Gatsby asshole is no Sam Elliot. Perfect example.

      • Right?!

        It’s not that these douchebags can’t bear the thought of abandoning their ill wives… they just can’t bear the thought of other people thinking poorly of them, for abandoning their ill wives.

        Always, it’s about impression management.

    • I had to watch from the sidelines while this was happened to ex narcopaths grandparents.

      The grandma had Alzheimer’s and had been in long term care for 8 years when I met him.

      Grandpa was retired and worked the farm, visiting grandma 5 days a week, and then spending weekends and free time with his girlfriend.

      I met his girlfriend a handful of times before I met the grandma.

      The girlfriend was quiet, into canning things and lived in her own house in another town. He husband had died years ago. But when they were younger, both couples used to attend social dances.

      I was told by exMIL that grandma always disliked girlfriend and was very jealous of her. Her intuition was in overdrive and she could sense her husbands interest in girlfriend. ExMIL said of grandma was with it, she would be horrified and disgusted with grandpa for being with girlfriend while she was in long term care.

      Everyone in the family was civil to girlfriend, and yes, grandpa brought her to family functions. She always seemed uncomfortable to me, and because the family is a bunch of drunks, grandpa would drink too much and make humiliating comments about her while she would sit there cringing.

      But when ex narcopath and I would visit grandpa without girlfriend present, all he could tall about was grandma. Because I work in health care he would drill me on whether I thought grandma would ever get better….

      So, once when ex narcopath was hoovering me back he asked me to accompany him to visit grandma. He was scared to go alone. Generally, no one in the family visited her. Only grandpa. I was curious, so we went. She was in very late stages of Alzheimer’s, completely unable to communicate and frozen. She did not like to be touched, but the facility was taking excellent care of her. Ex was all tears and snot. Vowing never to go back, because what’s the point, he said….
      She passed 6 months later. They cashed in her life insurance policy and grandpa bought a new car. I dont know what happened to the girlfriend….

  • After I was blindsided by abandonment so stbx could further pursue his secretary, I joined a divorce and separation group where I met a woman who was dumped like I was at 39 years of marriage. I thought being discarded after 2 decades of marriage and in my mid-forties was bad, but nope, it can be worse.

    If he hadn’t sufficiently bonded throughout the best years, and was capable of ambushing me so callously while our kids were teens and still dependent on us, I am certain he’s the kind you hear about upping and leaving during old age and/or sickness.I never suspected he was capable of any of it until he bolted, which is scary.

  • I am watching my father care for my mother as her AD enters the late stages. It is heart breaking and lonely for all. Including her. Sometimes she didn’t recognize him, but lately she knows him again without question. He’s the only one she consistently recognizes. She lights up when he enters the room. My mother is still in her house with an aide all day. And it is HER house too. She deserves to have as much love, respect and dignity in her illness as anyone does. My father does not deal well with any of it. He has some not desirable traits and cannot be alone. He’s stated that he will have to find someone right away, and we know he would prefer to have her in a home while he gets on with his life. And yet she still looks to him for comfort. She always facilitated his life (and everyone else’s). This is the time that your spouse needs you the most. They are completely vulnerable. Isn’t this what the vows you made are all about. My sisters and I are disgusted with him, and my brother pays for nursing care to keep her at home. He knows better than to fight us though, as we are his support systems She would never want to be in a home! She is now barely able to speak and he doesn’t encourage the nurses to get her up. I know he loves her in his own selfish way, but he also cheated on her many times and caused great pain and resentment. It’s no wonder I married someone with narc traits and who cheated on me. My father is ultimately doing the right thing…but I believe that he owes her that. She is a beautiful soul that everyone loved and gathered around. They still do. And someone’s level of awareness doesn’t measure their worth.

  • Why the heck hasn’t this POS put the poor woman in a nursing home. She needs care not his weird image management. It is hard to care for dementia patients especially in the final stages where memory loss is almost complete and body functions are compromised (lack of proper toileting, loss of speech and lack of so called normal social behaviour) It is sometimes a blessing to have round the clock care done in a long term care facility and just visit and occasionally take the patient on an outing together.

    Oh yeah, I forgot, she has lots of money and he might have to forfeit a huge slice of it to pay for the nursing home before she conveniently makes him a widower.

    Sometimes the right decision is not to soldier on but to turn the care over to others. Proper love is regularly visiting the home, spending quality time with the resident and keeping ALL those pesky vows from the wedding. Proper care is paying big bucks for a good nursing home. Proper respect says wait until the spouse is dead before moving on.

    • Because some people don’t want to put their loved ones in a place where elder abuse is rampant, perhaps?

      I would never, ever subject any of my loved ones to such a place.

      • He doesn’t have to. He has the money for proper care at home or a top quality institution. Remember that elder abuse can be emotional as well as physical. Like moving your mistress into the marital home and brazenly cheating right in your wife’s face, for example. Would she have consented to this before she got sick? If the answer is no, it’s against her will and is abuse. I can’t be positive, but I’m gonna say that I’m 99.9% sure it would be no, seeing as she’s a human being with normal human feelings.

  • On one of the dating websites I visit – a guy was looking to date and he stated his wife was in a nursing home with Alzheimers. Yep. It’s a real thing. Creep.

    • Years ago I met a sad sausage at the track whose wife was declining. I was empathetic to his story but when he asked for my number I said “You know,maybe you should join a support group for caregivers rather than trying to pick up women” Then I gave him the f*ck off stare.

  • For anyone not understanding of how fucked up this is: the vows were to love and HONOR the spouse. Honor means honoring the commitment to 1 person, including fidelity. Don’t come-a-crying “but everyone has needs!” Or “you don’t know how hard it is!”. Just no.
    This man is debasing and degrading his wife, letting people sharpen their tongues on their family situation.
    Not to mention that the “live-in whore” is degrading her. She’s deprived of things that could possibly spark joy in her heart, like dressing beautifully and feminine upkeep like nails, makeup, etc. Because the whore is jealous and needs to be top-dog!!
    There was a video in comments on their facebook page, posted by a commenter…this bitch slapped B’s hand lile she’s a toddler doing something wrong! Who the fuck does she think she is???

  • The View was aghast, last week, at this story. Most of those ladies knew B and thought this was horrid, since they knew him and her. Their channel on YouTube has the clips. It’s like watching some Switzerland Friends in action explaining the situation away…super weird.
    The only person on the show who lighted up my heart was Sunny Hostin; she had a grandmother with Alzheimer’s and was abandoned by her husband. Sunny emotionally shares how she could never forgive that man who abandon her grandmother and she, and her family, had to be her grandmother’s caretaker. Later in the week, this asshole and skank have the balls to come on the show and say this is part of his journey, AND! his slam piece tried to spin that people hate their relationship because they are of different races….. such delusion. Highly recommend watching to see what bunny boilers they are. Poor B.

    • See my comment above. I burst out laughing when Meghan McCain chimed in. “If my mother brought home a boyfriend, we kids would have mutinied” Bitch please ! Her parents marriage started as an affair. Saint McCain was married to a woman who already been chumped in her first marriage and then had a terrible accident requiring multiple surgeries. Cindy Lou/Poo Hensley, the younger woman and heiress, appeared on the scene to poach McCain, who had political ambitions after returning home as a former prisoner of war. Cindy Poo was an absolute monster when her rich father died;she got the bulk of the estate (millions) pushing out her half and step sisters.

  • I had quietly gathered all financial information I needed and filled out all the paperwork to serve my husband with divorce. I loved the idea he wouldn’t see it coming. Three days before I was ready to serve him, he was diagnosed with Lewy Body dementia (like Robin Willams). Prognosis is 2-5 years after diagnosis, death. I couldn’t serve him, what does that say to adult children. Unlike Alzheimer, they do remember, how to be the same narcissistic idiots, until closer to the end. He then had heart attack and was put on hospice. He lasted a year on Hospice making my life hell, with a smirk. I stayed, took care of him, because I’m a human being. I wanted to dump him at his most vulnerable time. I wanted to smile as I walked out the door. I wanted to pretend I had someone else just to hurt him. I didn’t, why? Because I’m a human being. Narcissistic people are not human. He would have dump me before I could take a breath. Hence Trust That They Suck

  • I was so afraid of getting seriously ill or having dementia or losing control over my bowels or just getting old in general because I believed that my husband would stick around but he would resent every minute of it. He was already critical of everything I wasn’t doing to his satisfaction even while I was still healthy and in my right mind so how was it going to go when I was no longer physically or mentally whole? He would have had no tolerance for my frailty or cognitive deterioration. I also saw how disparaging he was of his family members who were not in the best of health. He wasn’t disparaging to their faces but when they weren’t around he was. When we visited his 93 year old grandfather a few months before he died when he was not in very good shape mentally or physically ex was asked to help grandpa go to the bathroom which was a bit of an ordeal. He helped but was resentful and angry about it wondering why anyone would want to bother continuing to live like that. He seems to like the idea of wandering on to an iceberg and floating away when you are no longer useful to the tribe. It was at that point that I knew that I had just better not ever get sick or old. I was considering that if I ever became debilitated in any way I should just divorce him and let him go so he wouldn’t have to deal with it and so he would be free to find somebody more hale.

    The only thing I feared more was that he might be the one to fall apart first and I would be caring for him. The only reason I feared that is because he would have hated himself for failing at perfection and having his image slip. He would have been an angry and resentful patient who wanted to die and would have had no gratitude to spare for his caregivers. I wasn’t thinking about how I might escape that fate by having a boyfriend on the side I was steeling myself for getting through it in as loving a manner as I could when the time came.

    Thankfully he has saved me the trouble of dealing with either scenario by losing his mind early and running off with Schmoopie.

    • My heart breaks for B. A selfish,abusive asshole for a husband and no bio kids. I think the stepdaughter is going along with her father because he has control of the assets.
      Here’s to cohousing with legal documents in place for old age.

  • Okay, help me here.

    My elderly X was abusive and doing terrible things. There was a strong suspicion of dementia, in fact, he acted demented.

    I was preparing to put him in a memory unit. I would have stayed married and acted married, but there was no way I could have lived with him. Just NO WAY.

    Turns out he was on drugs and has psychiatric problems, was a secret alcoholic. After weeks of neurological testing, no dementia.

    So I divorced him.

    Would I have been wrong to institutionalize him if it was dementia? He was emotionally and physically dangerous. I never doubted it until I read responses here.

    I was my Moms caregiver for years. It was difficult, but so rewarding.

    • Dianne, it sounds like you are a thoughtful woman who would make good decisions for yourself.
      You had a unique situation that most of these comments don’t really fit with. Please don’t be hard on yourself or second guess yourself.

      • Thank you, it was horrendous. I had babysitters in so I could buy groceries and do my dog rescue work. He let the hens out with the dogs, in front of the grands. Wreaked cars. Let his grown son scream and push me. Stared at the wall for hours on end. Stormed around the house all night. Was incontinent in all ways.

        Thus, dementia.

        After Dday, and the testing, he was back to being just a cluster B narc. A secret disgusting life.

        His neurologist told me “to run” in the last meeting. So I did.

    • No, you were not at all wrong to want to protect both him and yourself from harm. It’s not at all comparable to the deplorable situation under discussion.

  • I am envious of Dan Gasby.

    I believe that we all ask ourselves at one point in our lives, “am I a good person?”

    It seems to be a question that is universally asked. It doesn’t matter what nationality, ethnic group, religious upbringing, or generation you belong to. We all seem to ask ourselves the “am I a good person question?”

    I am envious of Dan Gasby because he KNOWS the answer to that question. “Am I a good person?” his subconscious asks him. “NOPE!” he responds without shame.

    Must be nice to have a concrete answer to a philosophical question.

    • BUT I’m afraid his answer is “Yup! I’m a swell person”. These freaks truly believe they are good guys. Narcissisism is a mental disorder.

  • This story got under my skin when I heard it. Dan Gasby is being so disrespectful to B. Caring for your partner in sickness or in health is the comfort of having a committed partner. I can’t imagine all of his family and friends are in support of this.

    I had a minor procedure a few months ago and my boyfriend of 6 mos. took me to and from the outpatient clinic, tucked me into his bed with all that I needed, picked up my prescription and watched over me all day. I haven’t forgotten that day. This is who I want in a partner. I could never imagine my ex caring for me. Whether it was minor or something as awful as Alzheimer’s or cancer. I think I subconsciously knew this through my whole marriage.

    I have no respect for Dan Gasby. He is married and of course it’s financially advantageous for him to stay married. Gross!!!!

    • Peaceagainplease,

      Your story regarding your boyfriend’s treatment of you following your minor procedure reminded me of something that happened w/the STBXW about nine months before D-day. She was told she had two kidney stones, one in each kidney, and was dealing w/trying to pass the one (very painful, as you can imagine). I had to (literally, HAD TO) go to a company conversion seminar (our company was taken over by another competitor) for a week a few states away, with her kidney stone removal surgery scheduled at the end of my week away. If I didn’t go, no more job. So, I called her every night after I got out of “conversion” classes, making sure she was alright, telling her again and again that I loved her, and that I wished I could be w/her. I thought I was going to miss being there for her when she went into the hospital, but on the penultimate day of the seminar I found out I could leave early on the final day, which was Friday. I got up early at 0500, got the hell out of dodge and drove a few hundred miles to surprise her by showing up at home early to take her, help her and be with her for her surgery. I thought that’s what a loyal, loving, caring spouse should do. Five months after, she started her affair w/her boss.

      I’m glad you’re appreciating your boyfriend. Keep doing that. Unfortunately for me, like a lot of people have been saying here, narcs like her don’t care about chumps like us. I was just supposed to be there for her when she needed me, but once she decided I could be replaced, I was. One thing that makes me happy is she still will be dealing w/that other kidney stone at some point. I hope it hurts like hell.

      As for the general response to this post, I agree w/what most people are saying here. This guy is a narc, and so is his girlfriend. I can only hope someone capable of doing something sees this story unfolding and decides to do something for B. The husband and his girlfriend’s behavior is disgusting. Bad enough to not show loyalty to your spouse by cheating on her, but in her condition, and in her house while she’s there? And flaunting it on prime media? There’s a special hell for those two.

  • Umm, this is probably not his first rodeo with a side piece. If they can shoo away a person who needs them, even if they were in a coma, they probably gave themselves permission when the person was healthy as well. That level of entitlement doesn’t just appear. It was always there just like it would be for another person to remain loyal and faithful.

  • I know I’m about to introduce an analogy that isn’t necessarily the same. I KNOW it’s likely by some to be considered apples and oranges.

    But I can’t help but think of Kenny Rogers’ song “Ruby Don’t Take Your Love t Town,” about a paralyzed Vietnam vet who pleads with his wife not to go out and get her own “wants and needs” taken care of.

    https://youtu.be/2ChPI5pAet8

    Abandonment is a universal fear, especially by those to whom we’ve bonded, and especially at the time of our greatest physical and emotional need. To have the fear realized so (seemingly) casually has to be the worst of all devastations.

    Personally I don’t think I could live with myself if I failed to fully support someone I care about in severe mental, emotional or physical distress — even if, and may ESPECIALLY if, (s)he doesn’t have the capacity to recognize that distress him/herself.

    Just another way I cannot (and do not want to) understand the disordered mindset.

  • My XW’s father has had Parkinson’s for close to 25 years now. Her mother stuck by him as he degenerated physically and mentally, but she is bitter and regretful about it. He has turned into a genuinely nasty person – swearing at her, refusing to accept any outside help (which would be 100% free in their country) because he won’t let anyone other than his wife look after him, compulsively calling phone-sex lines. She hasn’t had a vacation or a break of more than about 4 hours in 15 or 20 years.

    For at least a decade, my ex-MIL been telling my XW that she wishes she’d divorced her father long ago, before he got to this state (because now she’d be judged). I’m sure my XW incorporated this message in her decision to bail on our marriage (for a younger man). The message my XW received from her mother was: get out of your marriage before you’re stuck caring for your husband.

    I don’t know that this fits neatly into the narrative here.

    • This is what I feared my ex would have turned into if I were the one having to look after him. I still would have done it but it might have been hard not to end up resenting it as it would never have been appreciated. He didn’t even notice me picking up the slack when he completely stopped doing all of the things he used to do to look after the family when (I now know) he was busy off chasing strange but I thought he was just burned out on life. I also thought it might be early dementia as he had also become forgetful and he never had been before. It turns out he just had more important things on his mind. Through all of that I was busy holding the family together and trying to make life easier on him even as he was being a jerk to me and the kids. Maybe ex really did do me a favor by leaving.

    • I think the worst caregivers would also make the worst patients and vice versa.

      If your ex was so concerned about you potentially being a bad patient sometime down the road without any current evidence backing it up, then she would not have been a good care giver. She would have resented it right from the get go as she would have been assuming the worst no matter how hard you tried to show your gratitude and not be like your father in law. You dodged a bullet there.

  • Once I saw the other woman’s pix, I knew the whole thing was sordid and she was in for the money. Very sick situation. I had a breast cancer lump scare and my husband acted like such a dick about it, telling me I was over reacting (I was calm but pensive). I know now he just didn’t want to be stuck with a sick wife and up to that point and after was never sick. It was ok for me to deal with first his high bp, his diabetes, his widow maker blockage requiring quadruple bypass, his throat cancer scare. After the bypass he cried and told me how sorry he was for how he treated me which was cluddles then withholding sex as punishment and just general being a dick if he didn’t get his way. And then he pulls that shit when it was me with the problem. The thing was. he was planning his exit strategy, hiding money, lining up plans with OW. I can’t even think about it. So many years. So much love given, then that kind of shit. Not sure how he can look at himself in the mirror. I know he’s afraid to look me in the eye.

  • While I can understand this case being a bit in a different ballpark than usual cheaters, at the same time I feel the same standards can apply in regards to actions. He, like the rest of cheaters, had also the option of “not doing anything”. People are all too quick to eat up the idea that since you are suffering in a relationship (for any reason), then you are entitled to a side-companion. People are not interchangeable like that.

    If you truly love your spouse, you love them when they’re gone to. You can’t conceive the notion of taking another partner. Many widows and widowers who never remarry, no matter how long they’ve been widowed, are proof of that. I’m not going to say attachment should take this form for everybody, but unless it was a pre-arranged agreement between them, it’s disturbing that he can’t get her consent now. Respect would mean not taking another companion and certaintly not flaunting it. That shows zero remorse and 100% entitlement. It’s a bad precedent to have in society.

  • Chump lady, I’d love to hear your take on Bezos. Like everybody but him knows he’s so not all that it takes. Ring the richest In The world to score. And the self righteous indignation of being caught sending pick pics!! So pathetic.

    • Yes pls comment on Bezos. He got caught. Now he’s all pissy and acting like the spoiled entitled brat that he is. Actually an ugly bald aging man who only attracts women because of his $. But good for the wife walking away with half. Maybe she will use it for good instead of flying his gf to Paris on his huge private jet. Money doesn’t buy you class or decency !

  • There’s an element of sexism here many people aren’t picking up on. Listen to the defenses people give for this guy, “He has needs” – referring to sex mostly. If the genders were reversed, i guarantee no one would argue B needs to get laid. If she had a live-in boyfriend dicking her down while her sick husband was under that roof, oh they’d never shut up about it.

    Yes, it’s wrong either way, but the reason this creep gets a pass from so many people is that men are allowed to put their sexual needs above everything else. Women? Nope. In fact, women are expected to be non-sexual beings in old age. 😑

    All of this is gross.

    • Ding, Ding, Ding! We have a winner with this idea!^^ Not to mention that the wife is just supposed to choke down this last final shit sandwich before she dies. She is sick; but for God’s sake people seem to forget that she is still a person who is entitled to be treated with compassion and dignity.

    • Yes. Why do we encourage men to allow themselves to be controlled by their baser instincts and imply that this makes them more “manly” somehow?

    • Nope, I say “You have a hand and an imagination, use it” regardless of whether one is male or female and spouts that crap.

  • For me, the disappointing part of this is that he flaunts the girlfriend.
    I can only imagine it would be very draining to have to care for a spouse with dementia. He could have her put in a care facility. Assuming he is caring for her at a higher level at home, who is he hurting? If she was in a care facility would we fault him for looking for companionship?

    This is not the same as manipulating, lying and cheating on a person who is otherwise able to make decisions for themselves given the truth.

    • You are right it isn’t the same as cheating on a person who is able to care for themselves and make their own decisions. It is SO much worse.

  • My mother cared for my dad lovingly for years even though the kind man became mean and didn’t recognize any one. My ex would have left at the first sight of any illness At least I have an example of what true love and commitment looks like.

  • Reminds me of a play called The House of Blue Leaves. The wife ends of getting choked to death by her cheater husband.

  • What a selfish piece of shit he is! Alzheimer’s is a horrible disease but that does not justify cheating on your spouse! My stbx basically put me and our 3 kids on hold the last 5 years as he took care of his dying parents, who both had Alzheimer’s. As soon as his mom died (2015) my stbx pulled further away from us and spent more time hanging out with his hunting buddy. Once his dad died and he received his inheritance (2017) he threw us to the wind and decided he’d rather be single. His “until death do us part” portion of our wedding vows actually meant “until his parents death” and then he could part. Leave us behind while he enjoys his inheritance. Rot in hell.

  • This story struck a nerve with me as well. STBX cheated on me during the most vulnerable moments in my life – while mourning my father’s and grandmother’s deaths and during my high-risk pregnancy. Dan and people like him never behave ethically or do life’s heavy-lifting; they’re only in it for cake and kibbles. He could divorce B and place her in a proper care environment – but that’s expecting an asshole to behave ethically. I really wish B. Smith had a true advocate looking out for her needs.

  • When my cheater said, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore”, I said, “What is love, David? Is love fireworks? Romance? Hot Sex? Don’t get me wrong. I want that too. But love is taking care of the people that mean the most to you. And sometimes, love sucks! But you do it anyway!” He didn’t agree. Four years later I know that he never loved me. He wasn’t capable of it. I know it’s not because I’m not worthwhile. It’s because I picked from the barbed monkey pile. But my picker is fixed. And I don’t have to deal with that dick ever again.

  • I am 100% certain my X asshat would have abandoned me if I got a debilitating illness that required his support. Absolutely. He would have paraded around with Schmoopies and carted me off to a home before he would bother himself with anything difficult.

    He was not there for me when times were good so of course he would have left me when times were bad. He was dick when I had morning sickness for crap’s sake, the most transient and joyful kind of sickness there is. I was told to “get over it.”

    A final decline due to illness? What a controlling bitch I would have to have been to dare get sick and to have needed him.

    Alone is better than that abuse.

  • I met this huge dirtbag on a dating site a couple of years ago. He had been married and a stay at home husband for 25 years, his wife was the breadwinner. She was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s and he decided that he was going to dump her because of it. Of course, she didn’t want a divorce. He told me that he was as mean to her as he could possibly be so that she would go for the divorce and then bragged to me how he got the house and half her retirement. Apparently he thought I would be impressed with his assholism. I kicked him to the curb before he could blink.

  • I’m on the fence about a spouse dating once their partners are no longer able to recognize them or be hurt by such a decision. The opportunity for abusing this kind of situation is clearly high. Yet, caregivers have needs too (and I don’t mean a need for sex), I simply mean a friend to talk with, someone to support them in their caregiving work.

    I am clear that bragging about dating someone while caregiving for your spouse is a flaming red flag.

    The people I’ve known who have ended up in this type of situations have been honest about their decisions but very discreet. They’ve been guided by a commitment not to do anyone harm. The suffering spouse did not know about the OW/OM because the healthy spouse only spent a few hours a week with the OW/OM and they were outside of the home–a dinner together once a week, etc. Also, in the situations I’ve known personally, the OW/OM had themselves been a caregiver with a spouse who died and the new relationship was very much about empathetic support rather than sex or showing off.

    I resent that this jackass is making a mockery of the hard and loving work so many people put in to supporting spouses with dementia.

    • If the relationship isn’t about SEX, then why have sex? If all they need is emotional support because caregiving is hard–we call that having a friend. Which you can do with your spouse’s full knowledge, or, even right in front of them. Having any sexual or even emotional relationship that is intimate outside of your marriage is wrong. End of story. Because you vowed not to. Just get the divorce and leave their care either to someone who actually cares about them or professionals. To do otherwise reeks of having some ulterior motive like inheritance.

    • I’ve commented above, so here is my first hand experience of a locked Alzheimer’s unit:

      -we see so many loving devoted spouses, esp husbands who visit at least every other day, maintain their own hobbies and run their households, all the while patiently loving their wives with Alzheimer’s. They feed them and bring them special treats, comb their hair, wash and hang their nylons, wipe food off their face and even paint their nails…..
      These men adore their wives and would never consider having a side piece.

      They sit beside their sleeping wives for HOURS reading their books or even napping themselves, content just to be in the presence of their loved on.

      As staff, we adore these spouses and they get to know our names and stories. There can be so much love.

      -on the flip side, we see the cluster b men admitted, who are violent, abusive, alcoholics who have literally no visitors because they have abused all of their loved ones. They are rude and abusive to staff, stressing everyone out, and in their more lucid moments tell us they delight in pissing people off and getting a rise out of us….
      I’ve had a handful of female narcissists as well, and they are very angry, people.

      A loving spouse does not consider needing a side piece because they are busy with their lives and busy visiting and loving on their spouse. They know they time is limited with their loved one…

  • Wrong, just wrong on every level of the commitment that marriage is supposed to signify. How did Diana express it so succinctly? “There were 3 of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded”.

    He should be modeling steadfast devotion, faithfulness and fidelity. Now that would be a story.

  • Well, they’ll have girlfriends when we’re at our best; it’s not surprising that they’ll have them when we’re at our worst.

    It is disappointing that a story like this is lauded. Sounds like a new revenue stream for assholes.

    Come to think of it, my x had a perverse interest in befriending older women. When one of them (age 96) died, though, he barely cared. Yet he had spent every Saturday morning with her for years. I’ve never understood it.

    Is everybody a self-serving jerk or a damaged people pleaser?

    I may be in a bit of a mood.

  • Nothing but a SOB scumbag who capitalizes on his wife’s illness. By far the most despicable of all cheaters. And schmoopie is right there with him. Who are these people? What makes him think that this is OK, oh no, he takes it one step further and portrays himself as a saint. This makes me so very sad and at that same time filled with anger.

  • I won’t judge on this one, I’ve had a grandmother pass away from Alzheimer’s and my father has a severe form of ALS with Dementia driven by the ALS.

    Now if his wife was there with he memories still attached and can communicate then what he is doing is wrong.

    BUT

    If she is at the stage where she is gone but her body is still working and performing its duties but the mind is just gone this stage can last a very long time. My grandmother lasted a few years in that stage.

    In that situation and that stage I can honestly say I do not know what I would do. At some point dealing with them at that level every day and carying for them takes a very hard toll on the mind. Add to that knowing that this is only going to get worse and never better it can make some people break their vows and look elsewhere for something that their partner can no longer give them because their mind is gone and their body is following the same path but slower.

    Comparing Dementia to Alzheimer’s there is NO resemblance at all! Alzheimer’s (and ALS) are horrible diseases that destroy the mind and body. There are lots of people with Dementia that can live for years and still communicate.

    Very Very different illness and simply can’t be compared.

    • I don’t care if she “knows” about it or not. Having the mistress in HER house is disrespectful. This is just a more extreme version of the same old ” I thought you’d never know and so no harm done.” So, if a man keeps his mistress in another house in another city and his wife never “knows” is it okay? Crap. He is still dissipating marital assets (which sound like the were mostly earned by HER) on another woman. If he can’t keep his promise to really view her as his wife without fucking someone else—he should divorce her. EVERY cheater will tell you they don’t intend to harm their wife, but the minute you are spending your resources, time, talent, treasure, emotion on someone else–you are not giving that to your spouse. If this man was hiring prostitutes with those marital assets to have his “needs” met would anyone still think this was okay? So, how else is it okay to lie to, or take from, or hoodwink those who have become mentally incapacitated? How we treat our vulnerable populations says a lot about us; and the fact that people seem to be willing to give this guy a pass because he really “needs” to get his dick wet more than she needs honesty (whether she knows about it or not) compassion ( whether she remembers the people being compassionate or not ) and respect and human dignity, really physically makes me despair of our culture. If a judge put all of her money into a trust he couldn’t touch and forced him to move out of the house, I wonder how long he and Schmoopie would stick around to “be her advocate.”

      • I can tell you from my experience. If I have Alzheimers or the severe form of ALS that causes Alzheimer like symptoms but much faster then I would not expect my spouse to be 100% faithful to me till I die.

        Honestly, all I would ask is that my spouse make sure I am being taken care of as best that can be till I pass away. At some point, with either of those disease, you literally become a vegetable and knowing the stress that puts on day in and day out. I would have no issues if my spouse received some comfort from another person as long as she makes sure I am being cared for as best that can be.

        Expecting someone to remain faithful for several years while you are in a vegetable state (and going to eventually pass away) is not reasonable.

        I was cheated on and I know how it feels (hence why I am on ChumpLady) but I think an exception is understanble in a situation that has reached the point of being a vegetable.

        If you have never experienced carying for someone with either of those diseases then you have no idea what it is and how they are. Dementia IS NOT a comparison!

        • I wouldn’t expect a spouse to be celibate forever if I was too ill to be a partner. However, I would certainly expect him not to move his lover into my home and canoodle with her in front of my face and all over the media. I would expect to be given the basic dignity and respect I’d have gotten when I was well. Illness doesn’t take away a person’s humanity or rights.
          My cheater used an illness (which didn’t even prevent me from being a partner) as an excuse to treat me like a subhuman, too. He commenced to cheat and be emotionally abusive, but stayed with me and bided his time, stringing me along for financial reasons. This jerk is doing the same thing, only more brazenly and morbidly. He is waiting for her to die so he can collect on his “investment” and having fun humiliating her as he waits. So this one really sticks in my craw.

  • That is his daughter taking care of her step-mother while her father and Snookums live in B’s house and live off the proceeds of B’s money.

    I guaran-damn-tee her husband will abandon her if the money dries up. I hope her step-daughter will continue to visit her regularly if she has to put her in a long-term care facility.

    He is absolutely getting a pass for moving Sweater Chick into his wife’s home. Men have “needs” and “urges”. Complete and utter bullshit excuses.

    I feel badly for his daughter. She’s in a bad spot with this situation.

  • New marriage vows, for Dan Gasby and his ilk: for better or worse, except when you become forgetful.

    No, make that extremely forgetful, because I won’t get a live-in girlfriend when it’s only mild memory loss. Or moderate memory loss. I’ll wait til you forget who I am (well, most of the time – because the first few times you forget me, I might be able to remind you who I am, though I won’t know for sure when you cross that line and you absolutely have no clue and can’t be reminded…).

    This is complete bullshit. If they’d had an open marriage before, that would be different. But according to the Washington Post article:

    “When B. was lucid, she and Dan sometimes clashed over his flirtations.”

    He was an entitled ass before B. got dementia and he’s still an entitled ass.

  • I’m glad you ran this. I’ve been checking on this story for a while. What struck me as it progressed was how Dan would always complain and became aggressive when disagreed with. I wondered how he dealt with B. I never see her family around. She seems a but isolated.
    I read that her friends never liked him but she was blinded.
    I won’t deny that they appear to have had good times and to have been financially successful. But it now looks like he had an end game all along and still does.
    Sometimes i wonder if she really has dementia or if he’s been messing with her.
    As for the new girlfriend… White Black or yellow… There is no way that it can be right for that situation to exist. His wife is still alive. He is basically carrying on an affair in front of her face because he thinks she does not know. If that is not taking advantage of someone then I don’t know what is.
    Summary: Dan is all about Dan

  • Oh boy. This is a topic I wrote about a few days ago.
    XH’s family on both sides has severe dementia. I don’t know what type, but in this particular kind, they live a decade or more needing 24 hrs care. At 21, I took that as “part of the package” of marriage, because no one really knows what is going to happen. But it is very obvious, talking to the parents, one currently loosing all memory, that this is a constant concern for them.

    It is not even a question if, it is a question of when.

    OW (younger by 7 years) has no idea of this condition. They are both selfish and entitled, I imagine my poor girls being called upon to be caregivers. Hope OW leaves enough money for supplemental nursing care.

    I mean, they might have to be there for me too, that is part of it all.

    Not my circus, not my monkeys.

  • I was my husbands caregiver for two years when he was critically ill with cancer and how he repaid me? When he had a miraculous recovery…he had an affair and left me for another woman. So I’m a little cynical and not a good one to ask for an opinion on this one. I know one thing for certain, however, if it had been the other way around, he would have been a very shitty caregiver to me.

  • Love demands courage and loyalty and multiple other healthy character traits that this FUCKNUT has none of. I’d insert a cliche here but dan gas‘lighting’by inserted himself. Fucking loon!

  • He’s behaving as if his wife is dead, when she’s not dead.It sounds like she would NOT have agreed to this arrangement if she was still capable of expressing an opinion. He has no respect for her.
    My aunt just died, after suffering from dementia for the last few years. She no longer recognised her daughter, but my cousin still went in to visit her every day. My ex MIL did the same for YEARS for her mother, carefully spoon feeding her, telling her about the news.There are millions of people out there caring for their loved ones with dementia, out of love and respect for the people they were before they got ill. This story catches the eye because we know it is wrong in our gut. .

    • What I believe is missing when we weigh in is the fact that no one steps up in many families. My mother never wanted to be put in a nursing home.
      My father a raging narcissist took care of her the best he could, which quite frankly substandard care.

      She was excluded from all my sisters family events. Not one of her grandchildren visited. My mother lived 14 years in her home. Once when she was admitted to the hospital I visited late at night to check in her care. Her arms were tied to the bed and she was crying.
      In state hospitals I’ve witnessed women being pushed into a shower naked, screaming with no curtain.

      I truly believe this woman B would prefer to have the care rather than being treated like trash. It’s not the same as being lied to and conned.

      • Hmmmm. B seems to have considerable resources to pay for better than a state hospital. The fact that he does not actively physically abuse her is not bitch cookie worthy. And even if he is giving her care, it does not mean that she isn’t being lied to, conned, manipulated, disrespected. It just means she might not remember it. And it certainly doesn’t excuse his 15 minutes of fame exploiting her disease and suffering.

        • He has the resources to keep her safe., Take care of her medical needs and proper care.

          A facility is a facility. She’s supported by her daughter. Have you ever experienced the confusion and the stages of decline? I pray you haven’t.

          • What kind of integrity would this woman have living in a facility. There are no personal belongings, nothing familiar, and clothing has names written inside. Clothing is washed all together.

            Adults with Alzheimer’s maintain episodic memories long after they can no longer speak.

            • Then I would imagine there are times she remembers he’s her husband when she watches him snuggling with his mistress in her own home. Horrifying.
              He doesn’t have to put her im an institition. He has the money for quality care in the home and should get the AP the fuck out of said home.
              The institution versus mistress in the house debate is predicated on a false dichotomy. Why are those the only two options being considered when there’s no reason he has to have her there? Unless him being too lazy to go to see her outside the home is considered a valid reason, that is.

  • I felt so stabby last week after seeing that a-hole hawking his book. Stirring up feelings regarding a narcissistic aunt and her bullying behavior towards my uncle. Here’s a repeat of the previous share.

    My uncle was a lonely bachelor (suspect his alcoholism started because of this) who finally married at age fifty. Unbeknownst to me until a couple of years ago, he had proposed to two other women and been rejected. My aunt laughed as she told me this story ! (troubling) They are both scientists and professors at a world renowned university. She’s a little younger, a fellow alcoholic and self abuses every day by not eating (and drinking) until dinner;thin is where it’s at and she hates “fat” or “ugly” people.She’s already had one face lift and is considering more procedures for her 75th birthday .

    Shortly after retirement, he had a debilitating stroke which left him virtually speechless and dependent on adult babysitters to help him with his daily living. She doesn’t use an agency anymore because one of the aides called her crazy. Pays women from second and third countries in cash. This aunt is not caring or nurturing and this suits her fine since my uncle pays for his own care. Any discussion I’ve tried to have with her about vulnerability or feelings is immediately shut down.

    I traveled with them last fall on an enabling wine barge cruise and witnessed her nastiness in full force. The other guests (Australians who she thought would be too polite to say anything) wished me good luck at the end of the trip. When she sensed that they saw her mask fall off , she played quite the beleaguered, devoted wife. I wasn’t interested in gossiping about her or dragging innocents into the family drama;they were on vacation.

    She’s future faking with me regarding an inheritance but I’m not playing that game. She has power of attorney on my uncle’s assets and wrested control of his half of a family trust. She’s already taken some late night drunken falls (a mild concussion) and maybe that’s how she’ll die. When she retires to Italy in a couple of years with my uncle, I imagine never hearing from her again. I can imagine her snapping one night during a drunken tirade and smothering my uncle with a pillow. The Italian authorities won’t care even though she plans on him becoming an Italian citizen after thirty plus years of marriage for tax and inheritance purposes.

    That’s who she is and there’s nothing to be done about it.

  • I just googled his name and Gasby’s twitter came up on the screen. He says he and GF just danced together in the shower and they’re now enjoying a smoothie.

    This says a lot about his girlfriend and her character as well. How could you have a relationship and live in the same home with a married man and his incapacitated wife?

    Gasby has the means to provide the best in home care for his wife.

  • I had Chuckles (he never laughs) tested 3 times for dementia as his uncle had young onset dementia and I was told it was hereditary. Silly me would have looked after him till the end. Turns out that all his memory loss was just when he was caught out on a lie lol.
    When he started telling people that he was worried that I was depressed and suicidal I got my divorce through in extra quick time due to a fear for my life. He would have got my pension if I died while we were married. Imagine what he would have done to me if I had dementia. I can only hope that the karma bus runs over him and wife number 3.
    #Nomoredoormat#

  • I didn’t have to wait to get Alzheimers to find out the level of my ex’s devotion, it just took me returning to school for a graduate degree (something which he already had and that I supported him while getting), thus requiring slightly more effort from him in our household and slightly fewer kibbles. Boy, he bailed on our marriage right quick. Glad it happened while I can still advocate for myself, unlike poor B. Smith.

    This business of aging and infirmity though creates a different kind of problem when dating as an older person. Because I value devotion and take vows and commitment seriously, I’m reluctant to offer it up to another person, not necessarily because I distrust my picker at this point but because, at my age, we’re all kinda looking down the barrel of a health crisis. So, when I think of a man as a potential life partner, I have to ask “could I lovingly change this man’s diapers?” So far, the answer has been, no. And, statistically, that’s what it would come down to considering women live longer and healthier than men, on average. Maybe it’s selfish, but after giving up the first half of my adult like to a narcissist cheater, I don’t want to give up the second half to hospice care.

    • When my stepdad (a really great guy) passed after 37 years of marriage to my mother,I asked her if she’d think of remarrying. Her answer was the same: men her age only wanted a nursemaid, and she wasn’t interested in doing that for another husband.

      She went on to live a happy and serene life, in singlehood, and died after a loving day spent in her rose garden.

      As to the topic of this thread, I’m with the folks that say the Schmoopie shouldn’t be in B’s home, and the Cheater should shut his fat trap about his scam. That being said, B is probably much happier in her own home, but there may come a time when she will need to be under full custodial care. Then her money should be available for that.

  • This whole thing makes me queasy from beginning to end. Alzheimer’s is a vicious disease that can leave a physical shell with none of the person we once loved for years before their body succumbs. In some ways I could understand a person who, after their beloved partner is now that shell, without any vestiges of their memory or flashes of lucidity, decides, although still providing loving care for that person, decided to pursue a discreet relationship as I can imagine it gets incredibly lonely not having a companion to share your life with. In this case, however to parade the situation in terms of a hashtag, no less, tells me all I need to know about this person. It speaks to his sense of entitlement; “I don’t have to put up with this, I deserve better”. Yes, well lots of people don’t ask for crappy situations and outcomes in their lives, but they handle it more gracefully than publicizing their choices, when he could just have gotten on with it quietly and kept it as family business. The way that he took over her website tells me a lot too, I’m sure there’s a term for it, but it’s almost Munchausen’s by Proxy. Perhaps just being an attention-seeking asshole is the diagnosis. What kind of person enjoys the attention gained in this way? It’s the exploitation of power over a vulnerable person that really turns my stomach. I went through the discard when I was pregnant and with a very newborn, and it just really gets to me that there are people out there that choose to inflict pain or exploit someone when they are at their most vulnerable. It speaks to a special kind of cowardice and cruelty. I hope the daughter wrests control of the situation from him and sends her father on his way.

  • Not sure where my comment has gone, perhaps in purgatory at the moment? Anyway, I find this exploitative and low-class. B would probably have slapped that Alex Lerner down and told her where to go if she came sniffing around when she was well. I also think it’s cruel of the article to include B’s conversation. She is not herself, and she deserves to have her dignity protected.

  • Tracy,

    Thank you so much for tackling this. I was thinking of doing it, but I could not do it as gracefully as you have done it. I am so viscerally pissed off about this story that I cannot write anything that is remotely neutral.

    When this story first hit the news, I had a very shocking thought. I thought: “If I ever get cancer, dementia, or any other kind of illness with warning, I am going to get a divorce and I will get it fast-tracked.Then, I will take all my assets and put them in a trust with an attorney to pay for my managed care facility. Anything that is left over will be put in a trust solely for the benefit of my biological children and grandchildren.”

    Why? Because I have learned many men are weak. (Well, women are weak too, but I am a woman married to a man). I have heard more stories of men that bring their girlfriends to their wife’s funeral to keep me seething for a lifetime. I have heard more stories of men putting up a dating profile the second their wife gets a cancer diagnosis or has a stroke or has this or that disease. I think these days many men would abandon a woman with arthritis. Why? Because they cannot twist their wife into a pretzel any longer like the lady in the porn video. So they find a new pretzel who can twist like the web cam girl.

    I was talking to my friend the other day about what marriage is supposed to be and what love actually IS versus what the general public thinks love is. The general public thinks love = hot sex that never ends and goes on for 70 years. (Oh yeah and the woman CANNOT age either. And it’s also her job to keep the guy interested.) I told her a story about a real couple that I know of and it brought a tear top her eye. IF she had not heard the story from me, she would have thought it was an urban legend or something fictional.
    So here is a story and it is 100% real: two professionals met in medical school and were the love of each other’s lives. They were both athletic, had the same hobbies, and were two peas in a pod. Once they finished residency and got jobs, something terrible happened. The young and beautiful wife had a stroke that paralyzed almost all of her body. The doctors found a faulty artery that fed into the brain and she had a stroke and it paralyzed her. Their plans to have a large family? All gone. Their plans to travel the world? All gone. Her ability to have sex like a rodeo star riding a bull? All gone. Her ability to speak? Also gone. There were no more long and philosophical conversations. She can still shake her head “yes” or “no.” This man is well aware the nurses are circling like sharks, so he has a job that allows him to work from home. His wife cannot be left alone so when he goes out for groceries, he hires care givers. This MD could have out his wife in a long-term care facility and found one of the many nurses in the hospital where he works who do ANYTHING to break up doctor’s marriages. ( I am not exaggerating either; I wish to God I was exaggerating, but I am not. These people exist and they are horrendously evil). Anyhow, this man could have done that. But he does’t. He takes his vows seriously. He and his wife are young, but he still takes his vows seriously. When I told my friend this story, she was in tears. She said it was the most beautiful expression of what it means to love another than she had EVER heard. I told her this is what marriage is SUPPOSED to be. In fact, it is what married people are SUPPOSED to do and when they do it, there should be no fanfare- this is what marriage is about. But, it seems half of the population doesn’t understand this. I don’t know what they think it is… but I get the feeling half of the population thinks marriage is all about someone worshipping them, meeting all their needs all the time, being endlessly interesting to them for every second of every day, and they never have to give back. They just have to sit on their butt, be adored and entertained, and twist the person around like a pretzel, and then when the “object” in their life (aka spouse) no longer does that, then they cheat and/or get a divorce.

    Tracy, thanks again for writing about this and doing so with such grace. These stories bring out every swear word I have in my mental arsenal and I prefer not to utter them.

    • This reminds me of when firefighters get called heroes for pulling someone out of a burning building or putting out a fire. By definition, they are not heroes–just people doing their jobs. If a shop clerk pulled someone from a burning building–well, that’s heroic. Not to say that they shouldn’t be lauded and applauded, but they are not going above and beyond their call of duty–just meeting it.

      Devotion is supposed to be inherent in marriage. That your story would take most people by surprise is sad.

      • NotANiceChump,
        Totally see your point. Married folks are supposed to (at minimum) adhere to their vows. A little more would be great. But, they can’t dvrn keep their word.

  • I know of an elderly man who visits his wife in her care home regularly. She has dementia and doesn’t know who he is any more. She has started a ‘relationship’ with another resident. Her husband sits there while she holds another man’s hand. She tells her husband he’s a lovely friend to come and visit her. When asked why he still goes to visit her in these circumstances, which are very difficult for him, his response is always “she may not remember who I am because she’s ill, but that doesn’t mean I don’t remember who she is”.
    For me, that says it all.

    • Phoenixrising,
      That is a BEAUTIFUL STORY. It must be difficult for him to see that. But, he is a person of true integrity, knowing that this is the disease causing her to act this way. The disease cannot steal all of those good years away and those years without dementia enables him to know and to remember who his wife is. He is a wonderful man, indeed. This story gives me hope.

  • PS-
    My great uncle was an example of a REAL MAN. Seven years after his wife died of cancer, his adult children were worried he might be lonely and they gave him permission to have a female friend. He was absolutely offended and angry. He told them that he had only one wife. He said his wife happened to be in heaven, but that didn’t change the fact she was still his wife. One time he was visiting her grave and started to have symptoms of a heart attack. He laid on her grave and begged God to take him. Well, God didn’t take him and he was pretty upset at God!! LOL. Anyhow, he wore his wedding ring until the day he died– which was about 12 years after his wife died – and he never found a female ‘friend’ while he waited those 12 years to be reunited with his wife. Of course, my great uncle was a stellar individual in all ways. If they made more people like him, we would have a very different country. He was the type of person who lived his Christian values daily rather than talking about them. He was a man of integrity and I will always feel honored to have known him. Unfortunately, the men in my family set a pretty high bar for what I expect in men. When you come from a family of men who are loyal, pillars of their community, hard workers who lived by integrity, loved their wives, and who lived their Christian values rather than being preachy, that’s a pretty high bar to set. The best part was, they were who they appeared to be. None if it was a ruse– these men were the very people they appeared to be.

  • I bet Esther Perel holds him up as a shining example to be emulated. So what if when she was still lucid his flirtations infuriated her to the point of slapping him in public.

    Those two are counting on him inheriting her money. I hope Elder Services opens a case and keep a close eye on her.

  • I think this is one of your best posts.

    My precious Dad ending up getting dementia, probably from the years of stress associated living with my abusive, adulterous mother.

    As soon as he was at the point that he could no longer make a cup of tea or dress himself, she dumped him in a nursing home. I walked into his room one day and saw her buttoning up his shirt. I was shocked she showed even that much care. Well, it didn’t last long, probably a matter of weeks or less than 3 mths before she had him in a home. That memory is always so heartbreaking to me, because it was the first time I think I had ever seen her narcissistic self care for him, and finally, after all those long, lonely years, my Dad ‘seemed’ to be receiving the love from her he always so dearly wanted. The look on his face showed he thought it would be forever…that finally after years of his faithfulness and doing whatever this woman wanted, adoring her, she was at last going to be a real wife to him in their old age.

    But no, as soon as she could she dumped him, and I mean dumped him. Abandoned him in a lonely nursing home room, next to a constantly slamming, loud fire door, after nastily telling him she now had his house and all his money. That she had ‘won’. She kicked him when he was down at his lowest moment. I came in that same day to find my Dad literally shaking all over and crying that he had “lost everything”, his wife included. It was one of the most cruel things I have ever witnessed.

    Only by a stroke of Gods intervention was I allowed to get him out of that hell hole and care for him for the remaining years of his life.

    So if any of you are still with your cheaters, think of your old age, and just know, they will never care for you, and worse, you could end up with dementia and have them shove you under a bus.

    Can’t wait for judgment day.

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