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Facebook Is NOT Helping You Move on

Previous generations got to break up with people and never had to see the jerks again. A hundred years ago, if you were lucky your cheater rode the rails out of town to Butte, Montana and fell down a mining shaft.

Unfortunately, you’d never get to enjoy that particular bit of schadenfreude. However, you wouldn’t have to spend the next five years getting his Facebook updates either. The photoshopped selfies. The parties you weren’t invited to. The adoring, clueless idiots that comprise his coterie.

Our great-grandmothers didn’t have to watch their ex-boyfriends flirt on social media. The founding fathers never rated their hotness and tweeted about it. No, the days of glorious anonymity and social isolation are gone. If you want to know what someone’s up to now, you can usually find out. Now it’s up to a chump to exert self-control. You want to untangle the skein? There’s tantalizing clues everywhere on social media.

He said he dumped me because he has to take his studies more seriously, but he just tweeted that he’s taking a two-week vacation to Cancun! 

She’s been dating him a YEAR? This is their anniversary? We’ve only been divorced FOUR MONTHS!

Holy shit, they have a CHILD together? Is that, is that my grandmother’s crocheted afghan in the background? HE TOOK MY FUCKING HEIRLOOM BABY BLANKET FOR HIS SKANK? 

Social media is not your friend, chumps. Please, just go and let these people be dead to you.

Look, I know the occasional hits of schadenfreude are irresistible and keep you coming back for more. He’s gained 60 lbs. She got a shitty Christmas present when she was expecting a ring. He’s living in his mother’s basement. She cheated on her new schmoopie. He got fired… I get it — it’s one thing to trust that they suck. It’s so delicious to see it confirmed.

But it’s still energy you’re directing at them. It’s still mental real estate they don’t need to be taking up. You’re better than this.

And face it, for every nugget of schadenfreude you unearth, you’ll also have to suffer the onslaught of their impression management. The feigned fabulous can rock the sturdiest of chumps. Boy, he looks so happy now. Maybe it was me. Maybe I suck? Or the injustice will eat at you — how come SHE gets a vacation and shiny new things and I’m paying for it as I eat soup alone in my studio apartment?

Look, narcissists need impression management and social media is narcissist crack. It’s the ME channel! 24/7 access to ME! If you tune into your cheater’s Me Channel, you’re playing their game. Believing their spin, or at least wondering about it. (All kibbles are good kibbles!) The narcissist wants to project — aren’t you jealous? Aren’t I all that? Or they want to project normalcy. See how cute and banal I am? I have a pet. I have a mom. She’s having surgery. I like the same movies you like! I scored 1400 milking shorthorns on Farmville! 

You know they’re freaks. You know where the skeletons are. So why are you reading the propaganda?

Seriously, WHY? To get incensed? Oh sure, prattle on about pixelated dairy cows, you bitch. I know you fucked my husband! What good is this information to you?

I suppose you could make a thin argument that you have children together and you need to know what your ex-spouse is up to. But do you REALLY? Do you really need the details?

Look, I like Facebook. Especially the baby pictures. The most distant acquaintance can have a baby and I’m all Like! Like! Like! I enjoy my cousin’s accomplishments. I share the occasional grumpy cat meme. Facebook has its place. It just doesn’t have any place in your recovery.

So let’s just pretend your cheaters all fell down a mineshaft, okay? Keep it old school.

This column ran previously.

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  • I only found on Thursday the OW full name , i knew her first name but that was all .
    Once i found out her full name i went on to Facebook and seen her .

    I wish i hadn’t she is stunning . Tall , young , blonde , athletic and living with my Husband .
    I have done nothing but cry since so i will try never to look again .

    • Trust that she sucks. She is not all that she is cracked up to be when she is willingly living with a married man. She have morality issues. Your husband found someone just as terrible as him. They are two cheaters that are living together, who both know what they each are capable of. Their situation was built up on lies and deceit. Please do not cry she is not worth your tears.

      • If the movie was anywhere near the truth, didn’t Zukerberg get the idea for Face Book while he was trying to Slut Shame his girlfriend!

    • Please do not compare yourself to her!! She is a young, tall, blonde with no morals. Also, remember she got the turd prize of your husband. Her looks have nothing to do with the person she is. Hold your head high!

    • Karenb-
      I cried too when I saw home slice on FB. She was blonde, thin and young looking. Then…. I saw her in real life. She didn’t look like that. And in a moment of impulse, I told her so,”you look a lot fatter in person than your pictures”.
      Not my finest moment, but social media doesn’t always show the truth.

      • I know she has no morals , but it doesn’t half hurt seeing how beautiful she is .

        To be honest i said to my friend last night id leave me for her as well !

        • And to be honest the OW in my case is short, fat and ugly. Yes my searching got me a painful picture of them standing side by side hugging. Since she’s that, I try to untangle the skein By wondering WHY? Why oh why? She is younger than me, richer than me, has a nice home in a good part of town plus a beach house, has no children – which appears to translate to more free time and more fun than me, with less responsibility and no grubby little hands to take his money from him. (Is he in love or just using her?)

          So it does not matter who they are and what they look like it’s all so very painful and confusing.

          • Please do not compare yourself to that women. She is a women who knowing cheated with a married man. Pictures can be photoshopped. She is not worth crying over. She sure did not shed one tear over being responsible for ruining a marriage. Trust me she is not at all happy with her self. She knows she is a fraud and a horrible person.
            I compared myself to my cousin. What did she have that I did not have. She was not prettier than me. She was not at all built like a model. I tortured myself by looking on her facebook page. All I saw was a women who begged for money. Made comments about how depressed she was because she lost the person that she loved. I saw how pathetic she is. I blocked her. I realised that there is no comparison. She knowing cheated with her cousins husband.

            • Sometimes it’s just that their AP mirrors them.
              I’m into healthy living, and my X over the years, was definitely NOT. I’m not going to change who I am!
              He fell for the woman across the street- she smoked, was vulgar, and started drinking liquor at noon. A female him. So ridiculous, they fall for- themselves! So, don’t feel bad, you were on a higher level, and cheaters go find someone to roll in the gutter with.

          • I must brag a little here. I have NEVER looked at my wasband’s fb page or his schmoopie wife’s. (To be honest, I looked during the first week we were separated and when I saw his announcement, which we promised NOT to do, that we had “gone our separate ways”, I blocked him).

            It has been about 34 months now, but who is counting?

            Once, a clueless friend sent me photos on my phone, that were unflattering of OW but since it was small on my phone I did not get a good look and as soon as I could tell who it was, I stopped looking.
            (Also I told my friend, wtf?? Her point was how great I look comparatively but, whatever. She didn’t get why I was not stalking Schmoopie or the DOCTOR).

            Here’s the deal. 1) if the AP is more beautiful, you will feel like shit.

            2) if they are NOT as attractive as you are, you will try harder to untangle the skein of their choices.

            So there is NO UPSIDE to looking. (I have told my sisters that if they ever see a horrific photo of ex or his schmoopie, they can TELL me about them…but I still will not look).

            I know empirically that I’m more educated, smarter and a hell of a lot funnier. And I’m attractive. (I happened to lose 20 lbs after the divorce so, I look even better now).

            I have very good relationships with our 3 children; he does not.

            If he or Schmoopie are looking at MY fb pics, all they’ll see are my global travels and adventures, and supportive comments from and to me.

            I’m a good person living a new, better life now. So, if this is a contest (and it sure feels like it sometimes) – I win.

            How? Clinically speaking, he really is a narcissist and this has been confirmed so many times lately, by professionals. So I KNOW I’m better off.

            I was blind. Now I see.

        • I look at it this way. She gave me a gift by relieving of such a horrible person. It takes awhile to get there but you will. I know who I am and so do you. You are an amazing woman and she will always be stuck with your ex.

          • Isn’t that the truth? I would thank the little trollop if I met her today. It takes a while and a lot of healing to see it, but she didn’t take anything worth keeping. In fact, she took out my garbage for me.

            • Amen and amen!!
              It absolutely takes time and quite a bit of healing, but rest assured, your life is/will be much better without him!
              FB is a lie. Believe nothing unverified. Your ex and his schmoopie won’t last. Anything based on lies will fail. Too bad FB is so popular; I deleted my account a year ago and never looked back.
              Images are very powerful and linger in the mind. Do not torture yourself by looking at lying images.

        • See, here is the thing. Of course you notice that she’s beautiful! It’s natural to compare yourself to her.

          But people don’t cheat on their spouses because Gorgeous Hotness shows up in their lives. They cheat because they have terrible characters! Go look at the celebrity gossip news. Loads of very Gorgeous Hot people get chumped! If looks were the key to marital bliss, then they should all be so blissed-out they’d need to be drug-tested!

          So, in a way, thinking that the other person’s looks somehow justifies the cheating is a way of blaming yourself for the affair. If only you hadn’t gained those 20 lbs after the last pregnancy! He’d never have looked at her!

          In a way, you think that you somehow can control his actions. If you had been thinner or if you’d had better hair, you could have stopped him from cheating.

          Nope. Doesn’t happen that way. See all the gorgeous celebrities who’ve been chumped.

          Cheating is a character flaw. While it’s natural to think that appearances make the difference (and this is so that we can feel bad that we didn’t try harder), the farther out from Dday you get, the more you realize that they cheat because they can and they cheat because they suck.

          • Nicely summarized.

            The trick, of course, is to move this awareness from your head to your heart. I think that’s the harder part, at the end of the day.

          • Yes. This. In spite of, according to STBX, my sub-optimal looks, I still get hit on. It has NOTHING to do with physical appearance, and EVERYTHING to do with wanting the novelty of another person (or two or three).

          • I struggle with feeling like it was mostly about my looks. He told me and his therapist he wasn’t physically attracted to me anymore. Early after DDay he said, “Would it have hurt to try to stay in shape?” When he was revelling in my pick me dancing, he hugged me and said, as if he was trying to convince himself, that my body was only a package for what was inside, which is what really matters. He knew that I struggled with not being happy about my looks even when I was svelte, and said that he guessed it was my worst nightmare to be rejected for my looks. This particularly devastating remark was after he had returned from his second stint in rehab for “sex addiction” (also known as excuse for cheating). He had given up all pretense by that point, obviously. He even told the staff at his first rehab facility that I was embarrassed about my weight, but he just wanted me to be happy. This was before I had come to visit the first time. I later told him that I’m not dumb, I know damn well HE was embarrassed. When I write this all out it is so glaringly obvious how he used my insecurities to destroy my self-esteem and blameshift, but I have really internalized it.

            We met at work when I was in my late twenties, and frankly, more than one guy at work had the hots for me. I suppose when he no longer felt I was a prize in the looks department he devalued me. Or maybe he would have even if I looked like a supermodel, but he was so mean about insulting for my looks at the end that it really did become my worst nightmare. At least when I told my SIL (his brother’s wife) she said, “Has he looked in a mirror?”

              • No not at all, lol. We are at the same attractiveness level I’d say. As a matter of fact, his belly now starts right under his man boobs. It’s like the old profile image of Alfred Hitchcock 😂. Oh, and he still has no ass to speak of.

                Boy did that feel good to say!

            • I think they do pick up on our insecurities and use those to really dig in the knife to make us feel inadequate so they can feel superior.

              • I agree, anything to make us feel pain as if betrayal isn’t enough. It’s one of their character flaws. It makes them feel good which is something I’ll never understand. I think they hold us accountable for their feelings of inadequacy.
                Cheater’s first AP is a triathlete, the other he trained to be a body builder and she placed in a female body building contest in Las Vegas.
                Cheater and AP got married the month after her divorced was final.
                They’re still who they are and without any accountability in their failed previous marriages I assume history will repeat itself.

              • Actually, it’s usually their insecurities! Seems all Narcs use projection. We fall for it, because we have normal insecurities, and want their approval, naturally, that’s our spouse! If they attack your looks, or your weight, or your ‘hotness’, guess what? They are showing their own fears!

            • If cheating was really about looks, why did Jay Z cheat on Beyonce?

              Or Chris Brown on Rihanna?

              Because the cheaters are the problem, not the chumps.

        • If the movie was anywhere near the truth, didn’t Zukerberg get the idea for Face Book while he was trying to Slut Shame his girlfriend!

    • She is all surface, no substance. She’s a complicit cheater and she knowingly got one.

      You are a Chump. You got sold a lemon but you weren’t shopping for one!

      *pushes over Puffs Plus and a cuppa tea*

    • As we say here in the dirty south, She’s all hat and no cattle.

      I also got on social media and stalked. Saw the pictures of my husband and her together. They looked so happy! But it’s impression management. You know how you have to take 15 pictures just to get one good one? Well this tall blonde posted the best pictures of herself. Probably took them from low angle for forced perspective of her being taller.

      Her outsides might be lovely but her insides are squirming worms.

    • Yep trust that they suck- these people are all about image management . I met the ow and she was not all that her pictures claimed and we got into it and she is just as nasty and foul as my ex when no one is looking! Her ex told me she was a saint- well the way she has behaved with me especially the lies she has told about my child showed me that she really is an evil little bitch- it gave me comfort to see and hear what she really is and what they hide from the rest of the world- remember they are narcissists- they will lie, cheat and steal to look good in other’s eyes!

      • OWhore presents as the most charming and kind and lovely person to all the school mums but I’ve seen the real darkness behind the mask. She is a dirty, manipulative evil bitch who will annihilate anyone who gets in her way. Not even her own family is safe. Her curated “perfect happy family Facebook” while she ran around with my husband… Ha! It’s just a mirage.

    • Young, tall, athletic, stunning – and still, all she could get for herself was a cheater??? Again, I’m oh so envious.

      • Exactly! If they are such a catch, why were they unable to find someone ethical, someone who wasn’t married with children? Answer: They are not a catch!

      • This! Look all these people are damaged. And if we don’t fix our picker then the people we attract will be damaged.

        Emotionally healthy, confident, successful, smart, stable people don’t end up with Fuckwits. Broken people attract and settle for those who are at least as broken as themselves.

        Fixing our picker and working on ourselves should be the number one priority.

      • Right!?!? I would be devastated to know that I was the OW (because that’s the only way I’d be caught dead in a cheater relationship– with someone who was amazing at living two lives). I would feel sick, ashamed, repulsed, and guilty. I would never see a married man as a prize to win or a goal to achieve. Any person who feels no compunction about carrying on with a married person is dead inside and is NOT a good person.

        • This issue of “compunction” is interesting. My Cheater’s AP #2 (all of us are women) claimed to feel guilty about sneaking around and deceiving me – in the text dump I have read – in part because she had been cheated on herself in a prior relationship. But she still slept with my spouse within hours of meeting her, knowing she was married with children!!! So the AP’s expressed “compunction” was just another part of her disorder, a sad-sausage story she could tell herself and anyone else who cared to listen. It worked wonders on my Cheater, too, in that masquerade in which they both pretended to be healthy adults.

          • It’s terrifying how often schmoopies use feigned concern for the chump to get closer to the spouse. I think it comes from a combination of wanting to appear like a decent, compassionate person and wanting to test the waters to see what the spouse says about the chump. I was way more horrified at the thought of my husband talking to schmoopie about me, idiotically satisfying her depraved jealous curiosity, than I was at the thought of them having sex with each other.

            • You’ve summed it up well, Nicole. I felt that way, really violated that someone that I hardly knew had had an intimate window into my life, my weaknesses and foibles first-hand from my other half, and had used it as a weapon against me, all while I was totally unaware of the danger.

      • As one of my Tried and True said to me “She really shouldn’t wear colored lipstick-looks like a baboon’s ass !”

    • Your stbxh’s affair relationship will not last. Gut feeling, I’m betting the “stunning OW” is going through some sort of down and out phase. Plus she’s a skank as only skanks hook up with married men. Period. Once she is steady on her feet he’ll be dumped. However, the best karma would be if these two asswipes stayed together for the rest of their miserable lives. You are only mourning the fantasy you had in your head. Think of this as the universe working it’s magic to get this sociopath bum out of your life to make room for the good stuff.

      • Oh they will last alright
        He told me he couldn’t breath he missed her every second of the day he was not with her .

        His wife of 15 years – not so much !

        He has so landed on his feet ( again ) he always does .

        • Unless for some reason both of them are financially responsible and solvent their chances of lasting are not good. Not to be nosy but how was your husband with finances? How was he with responsibilities? In most of these one sided relationships the chump was the one that dealt with day to day stuff and was the fiscally responsible one in the relationship. The disordered defects are seldom responsible, because it is so beneath them and boring. I know this doesn’t apply to all narc cheaters but it does to the majority. Living in the moment catches up with them sooner or later.

          • When i met him he was £38,000 in debt , he said him and his last partner kept taking out loans , then a consolidation loan to pay off that loan etc .
            He had no gas/ electric / fridge / sofa nothing . He said his ex partner left him destitute when she moved out . I have no idea how they ended but he said she went out one night and text him it was over after 7 years .

            When he moved in to my bought house ( i was 21 when i bought my 1st home and was going to be mortgage free by time i was 35 ) he said he could not pay anything to stay there as he was paying off this massive loan . I told him not to worry i managed before he moved in i can still manage .
            We then got engaged he said he could not wait to get married but to be able to get married he would need to pay off his loan . I took equity out of my house and paid off his loan so we could get married .

            Every single month he could not afford food shopping – oh can you pay i will pay you back . I use to say to him where is all your wages ? He said he simply didn’t know what he spent his money on . This has never changed in our 19 years together he never has any money . I don’t know if he gambles or what ever but he never has any money to live off and he gets a good wage .
            Since Christmas though he kept saying his accounts department at work kept screwing up as his wages were short from all the over time he was doing ( Read fucking Ho )
            I kept saying this is ridiculous your over time is 3 months late i kept getting i know i know ive asked them again to sort it .
            The reason i found her full name is they bought a house together in Feb of this year he did not separate from me until 16th March !!
            All his money was going to pay for his new home for when he left me .
            They thought id never find out all planned behind my back but i did find out so i am going after their house as a martial assist ! Mother Fuckers !

            • That’s the spirit, Karen!

              To reiterate that not all is as sparkly as it seems, my ex checked all the boxes: brought debt to the marriage that I paid off, had no money for the down payment on our house so I cashed in some of my retirement funds… you know all the rest, same old story. He and Poopsie recently bought a new home, but ExH couldn’t put her name on the mortgage because of her horrible credit score. Ha ha ha.

              However (and this is what I clung to in my darkest days), even though the facebook posts were all lovey-dovey vacation photos, I knew that Poopsie’s family wouldn’t speak to her because she had gone after yet another married man. And her mother’s obituary a year later listed no mention of Poopsie but did mention her deceased brother, his son, and her son. So Poopsie got a sparkly turd, ExH got a sparkly turd, and that poor cancer-ridden mother died knowing that she had cut off her only daughter.

              Who’s the winner here?

            • Absolutely go after that asset just don’t ‘get caught with any of the associated debt. In any case, I think you are going to find that your finances are going to be so much better once he is gone and your divorce is final. He’s still no good with money and that clearly hasn’t changed. See if you can find out where else his money was going and see how much of that you can claw back as well. You really will be so much better off with that user gone. Get the divorce over in a hurry while he is still focused on “I can’t breath without her”. That absolutely won’ t last. It really can’t. They will eventually implode but get out with as much of your wealth as you can before that happens.. Then forget he ever existed and tell him to fuck off if/when he comes crawling back.

            • Please, please, please let us know if you are successful in getting his house as a marital asset! I am seething on your behalf. You have the kind of mighty I wish I’d had in my drawing up of our dissolution. You rock!

            • Gotta love marital assets….go get em! So funny as conniving, deceitful and devious the disordered are…they always go and do something really really dumb. Forensic accounting is going to pay off….not sure how adept you are at accounting but it may be well worth paying a professional if you are not comfortable doing it yourself.
              In any case you have verified he is not good with money and I’m guessing neither is the OW. If she were, she never would have purchased a house with a married man. This oughta be interesting.

          • Oh!!! So true!!! I never thought about it this way. I do know he is doing a crap job of managing his finances so far. Probably my fault somehow.

            • My ex is on $8,000/month pension, Schmoopie (now) works (guess she had to go back to work because they weren’t making it), and as of 10 days ago I found out he is in training to become a school bus driver because they need the money! So no, they never change!

        • My brother is a former OM. He said the same things about the OW when he cheated on her while married to his first wife. He felt “sick” when he was away from her. He and the OW got married in a country club, “picture perfect” wedding that was a nightmare for me and my family from beginning to end, and shortly thereafter, he stopped talking to all of us because we disapproved of his behavior. When the marriage finally collapsed, he came back to us, and even though they were married for six years, he knew as early as the honeymoon that it was a mistake. He stuck it out with her because he was embarrassed and didn’t want to admit failure a second time by getting divorced again.

          I have no doubt in my mind that while some cheaters may enjoy their selfish, martial bliss together, many of them stay together because they feel stuck. They feel like they can’t admit that they made a mistake, and they want to prove that their love was real. Frankly, I’m glad that my ex and his OW have stayed together because he mostly leaves us alone since she’s there to lead him around by the nose and keep him distracted. Try to think of it that way– when they are preoccupied by their schmoopies, it can sometimes lead to less stress and heartache for us.

          • You are so right about the “being stuck” is why the cheaters are still together. I have witnessed several couples that were AP’s before they married and all the marriages to date are dissolved. Before the marriages ended though all the couples were miserable. Some for years. The one that actually left or initiated the divorce had someone waiting in the wings. So they are stuck until someone else comes along. What a way to live.

    • Shut down the FB – block him, her and everyone else in their orbit! Pain shopping is horrible and the only person getting hurt is you. Don’t do that to yourself (hugs)! I blocked the Dickhead, his sinister sister and the OW just after D-day and before the divorce. My last contact with him was September 2018.

      It’s too easy to get wrapped up in physical appearance but remember, she’s no better than him. I don’t care if she’s the most lithe blonde walking the face of the earth. She’s got a black heart and that’s what counts. Character matters so much more than looks.

    • Anyone can take a good pic…it’s a split second. Some of my friends have a 10 year old/40lb. Lighter profile pic. She’s disgusting on the inside.

    • She could be the queen of England, it wouldn’t matter. Her future will still be your past as your ex didn’t get a personality transplant. He will cycle through love-bomb, devalue and discard with her just as he did with you.

    • Karen, I totally get it. The other woman in my story is super hot, 17 years younger, and in an “open” marriage. Cheater STBXH gave up our family and 20 year history to be part of her harem or rather stable of men OW fucks outside of her “primary”relationship.

      Cheater whores himself out because, in his words, “she’s hot, and YOU got old”. He doesn’t mind that she is sleeping (currently) with a rotation of 5 guys and her husband.

      Yep I aged, my major crime, and am not 29 and my body did things normal bodies do after giving birth and spending 40 some years on Earth.

      It’s hard for me too be ok with the sloppy seconds of “we’ll at least I have the moral high ground” when she’s being lusted after, cared for, gets to keep her house, husband and family, is to my beautiful and suffers NO consequences (not even societal outrage) for her actions.

      Makes me think holding my morals and character is just me continuing to be a chump. This world doesn’t play by rules or at least doesn’t reward character and morality. What’s the ever login’ point?

      Sorry for the rant. Today is on end of those tougher days.

      • I’m so sorry. My ex basically told me I was ugly to him now, just not in so many words. I know how much it hurts. Mine didn’t end up with anyone in the end because the one he was going to leave me for turned out to be an online scammer. He’s still alone, so I have no particular person to feel jealous of. I really feel awful for the chumps that have to watch their turds shower attention and “love” on another person. My heart goes out to you.

      • Because being the person with morals pays off. You have real friends. Your kids will know who loved them. (I believe mine will too!) It doesn’t matter what you look like or she does. I am slightly overweight 14/16. 5′ 8″ blond hair, blue eyes. Everyone thinks I am 10 years younger (Just need to hit a gym). I showed a picture of OW to people I work with and 1st words out of someones mouth is “What the *uck is it?” Its not about how you! Its about a man that uses his dick as a brain. No logical thinking going on. Please hold on to who you are because the other side with no morals or character brings no happiness.

        • I showed the picture of my hubbys OW to someone at work and the first words out of their mouth was “Ratchet”

      • The reward is you get to feel good about yourself. This woman and your ex don’t, which is why they need to use other people as ego fuel.
        A hungry ego is just an unhealthy compensation for low self worth. She must have terrible self worth to need ego kibbles from all those men.

      • I don’t take issue with poly lifestyles in general and don’t judge people who choose (honestly, openly) to have multiple partners. That said, the fact that this person is married, has various partners, and STILL feels a need to have sex with married guys just goes to show that being super hot and doted on by multiple guys simply doesn’t satisfy when you have no soul. You might have aged, but you’re capable of loving and caring for other people, which is a joy she can only pretend to have.

    • I wish I could post pictures of my STBXH’s nasty ass skank whore so you could see, Facebook with Snapchat filter, and one taken by a family member, no filter. I used to stalk Facebook all the time, looking for a crumb, thinking it would make me feel better. She was fat, shorter and not very attractive without the filter, and back then it was what I needed to say to myself, yep, he traded way down.
      What I finally realized, hopefully you will get there soon, is that it doesn’t matter what any of them look like. They can be scary ugly or beauty queens, they suck as much as your husband does! Especially if they knew he was married. There is something wrong with people who cheat, end of story. This is not about you, this is about who they are. They genetic makeup is fucked up. The fact that anyone chooses to cheat instead of just getting a divorce, is character, not anything you’ve done.
      Eventually you will see clearly, with no pain, tears and suffering and understand that you got the better end of the deal. A lot of data proves that they are serial cheaters, so at the end of the day your life will be better. This too shall pass.

    • My partner didn’t come home and I found out he didn’t stay where he said he did and I found out who he called (guess who is getting married now). I looked at her profile online and said with him siting next to me she sure is pretty. I was about 48 she is 36. At this point I was a few weeks away to losing my dad to cancer. I lost my mum to cancer when I was 18. Too cowardly to leave me because ‘he wa with me on that joirney’ (IMAGE MANAGEMENT!!!). he lies to me and waited until a week after the funeral to bail. The day my dad was diagnosed with cancer I spoke to him for 30 mins he called her for 2.5 hours. I know that pain and I am very insecure but do I give a flying SHIT if she is younger, thinner, prettier, more successful than me. One – uneven playing field I was hardly a bag of spammers at 38 with no kids. More the point so WHAT. You know what you did now you are (appanrely ‘guardian’ to my daughter. Yeah it hurts like a hitch but I actually KNOW THAT THEY SUCK. I could look like the Elephant Man to her Audrey Hepburn I would still stand tall.

    • Oh Karen, I’m so very sorry. You have something far more valuable than she: INTEGRITY!

      It hurts so badly, though. I truly relate.

    • Just remember if the movie was anywhere close to the truth didn’t Zuckerberg get the idea for Facebook
      to Slut Shame his girlfriend for dumping him?! How can anything good come from that?

      • No. He and his roommate started FaceMash while at Harvard as a way for Harvard students to connect online. Direct from the history of Facebook FaceMash, Facebook’s predecessor, opened in 2003. Developed by Mark Zuckerberg, he wrote the software for the Facemash website when he was in his second year of college. The website was set up as a type of “hot or not” game for Harvard students. The website allowed visitors to compare two female student pictures side-by-side and let them decide who was hot or not.[9]

        While writing the software, Mark Zuckerberg wrote the following blog entries:[10]

        I’m a little intoxicated, not gonna lie. So what if it’s not even 10 pm and it’s a Tuesday night? What? The Kirkland dormitory facebook is open on my desktop and some of these people have pretty horrendiedous facebook pics. I almost want to put some of these faces next to pictures of some farm animals and have people vote on which is more attractive.

        — 2:49 pm
        Yea, it’s on. I’m not exactly sure how the farm animals are going to fit into this whole thing (you can’t really ever be sure with farm animals …), but I like the idea of comparing two people together.

        — 11:10 am

        He didn’t slut shame anyone, the girl in question did break up with him, but this was in development BEFORE they broke up and nowhere did he slut shame anyone.

        I’m pretty sure that would be all over the internet if he did. Now, will you stop re-posting the same thing over and over again?????

  • One of the things I am most proud of myself for in my healing process has been my self restraint in looking up my ex or the Whore on social media (and any friends who weren’t squarely on my team). I’m convinced it has helped speed up the recovery. I think about checking every now and then, and realize no good will come from it. Thanks for this reminder Chump Lady!

    • Same here!!!
      The first few months I did lurk on Facebook with an anonymous Facebook page, because I truly was gathering evidence in case we ever went to court.
      Last time I looked, was when I found out they had married less than 60 days after our divorce was final. That was it. I swore then never to peek again.
      Four years later now and they are both still blocked and my social media accounts are private.
      However, Facebook Memories still randomly have posts in the past with either his comments (which I delete) or likes.
      Stay the course, don’t go pain-shopping.

      • I went through mine deleting everything with his name on. I untagging myself from friends pictures. Unfriended a few people, did some more later, blocked a bunch of people. It was marvelous!! Felt like a big weight was gone

  • So yea, Patsy and I looking at photos of my Cheaters OW in the wee hours of our African sleepover party maybe wasnt the best Meh…we did however give that up and went splashing around in the Indian Ocean.

  • My ex does not care about social media, never did. There is one Linkedin account, which he has not updated as he’s secure for life in his government job. There is one FB account that he has not posted on since Nov. 2016, although he get birthday wishes or the very occasional tag when someone posts a picture of him (nothing earth-shattering). He changed his profile pic when he left me to get rid of the family photo he had of all of us.

    It sounds like I’m checking all the time, but in the last 18 months since he left me to be with the OW, I’ve looked at his FB once every six months. Why? Curiously, it’s to see what he has NOT changed.

    His last post was a family photograph and comment of our family vacation three years ago to Europe. It’s still there, front and centre, as one of the only posts he made in the last few years and open for public viewing. In fact, there are precisely three small albums. One with some wedding pics. One with pics of us as a couple at varying events throughout the years, and one of our children as babies with some tagged photos (by me) of us as a family.

    In 18 months he has not gotten rid of any of it. I know it’s because he’s not thinking about it, but how does the OW not know. Surely, a woman who used to be all over social media, does a check every once in a while. She was with my ex around the last 19-20 months of my marriage and now they’ve been together since he left, that’s just over three years. Yet, anyone who would Google him would see all of our couple and family mugs together and nothing else. How has she not commented to him about this? Even I would likely say something to whatever new man I have in my life if three years into the relationship (even less than) his FB was all about his former marriage. Even if he claimed that he doesn’t ever use the account, I would ask that he then just hide/delete the photos of his former relationship out of a respect for me and our current relationship.

    But, not him. I do wonder what this means about this relationship of his. In the 18 months since he’s left, the OW has not met a single member of his family, nor been around my kids. He has never spoken of her to the kids. And all the wives of his friends that I am still friends with say that they have never seen her and he doesn’t say anything to their husbands as far as they know. So, this woman remains the dirty secret still.

    I’m in contact with the OW ex-husband, learned a lot about her, and he keeps me posted sometimes on her shenanigans with him and their kids. Lately, she’s been dragging my ex to the kids’ ball hockey games (including on Father’s Day when my ex did not see his kids as he took them to a family function the day before). The kids don’t like being with their mother and she has never had a conversation with them about this relationship or done a proper introduction. She just shows up with him.

    It’s the oddity of it all that keeps me plugging in every once in a while. I would like to let go of all that though.

    • @OptionsNoMore. Don’t give your energy into trying to figure out why he still has family photos posted on his Facebook page. He’s a man. He is not thinking anything of it. Come on…he spent Fathers Day with her kids and not his own? If you don’t cut him for yourself do it for your kids. He’s not talking to his family & friends about his new relationship because he’s probably ashamed and would rather just start all over. It takes a lot of self restraint (well it did for me when he married her 6 months after our divorce) so I unplugged from Facebook all together because I knew I was going to want to look. From what I saw… he wasn’t posting anything. And she was doing a lot of impression management. I had to leave them to their vices.

    • I think that this is fairly common with skanks and turds. The turd lives in NJ (as do I) & the skank lives in FL. The skank has never met our kids nor any member of his family. They have been “together” at least 6 years if not more which of course overlapped into our marriage. He goes on vacations with her and her kids. He visits Florida whenever he can. He barely sees our kids. Our kids tolerate him but they don’t actively seek his company so he just shows up for the big events like daughter’s dance recital or eldest son’s white coat ceremony for med school so he can revel in the glory of the kids’ accomplishments & to take pics to show he’s an involved father. Nope, he is not!
      I think the turd & skank are okay with living in their fantasy unrealistic world. It’s easier for them that way. They don’t have to deal with real-world problems. The skank doesn’t want to be the one to solve the turd’s problems (like we chumps used to do for the turds). They just want to have “fun”. The turd still won’t admit that she exists or that they are “together”. It’s okay. God knows & my mother (who passed away last Oct) finally can see what a turd her son-in-law really is! My Mom was pushing me to reconcile because “the kids need their father”. NOPE, NOPITY NOPE! My kids are okay with only have one parent—a sane (minimal contact with turd) mother who puts their welfare & needs first because that is what I learned from my parents.
      My understanding is that turds & skanks aren’t looking to live in the real world unlike us chumps who deal with it 24/7 because we always do our best.
      Hugs to CN. Always “DO YOUR BEST”!!!

      • Agreed! I think when they do this too to keep the excitement alive. My XH and OW still pretend nothing is going on, but both have met each others kids. I think they are either doing impression management because they work together, and/or trying to keep the excitement of sneaking around because once that is gone, I think that flame will fizzle pretty quick!

    • You are assuming the turd is using that account. Mine used his father’s name to make another account to share with Schmoopie and select friends. I do not check out any of his sites, but knew he had created this one to sneak around with.

    • Stop giving this your time, energy and attention. Honestly he probaby has another FB account that he uses and he leaves this one as-is for anyone snooping into his life. Let it go. There is nothing for you to gain and it’s just another way for him to control and manipulate your emotions.

    • Just stop overthinking about it and do what makes you you, do what makes you feel content. He wants to keep his stuff locked up like Fort Knox, not your problem anymore.

    • OptionNoMore,

      As CL said in today’s post — stop looking! Block them all if you don’t want to delete your Facebook account. Nothing good will come of it. Looking only hurts you and slows down your healing.

      A few things popped into my mind when you said he hadn’t taken down the family photos. He’s just not into Facebook anymore and forgot about his account. Or he’s triangulating the OW with his Facebook page. He’s trying to get the OW jealous and wondering why he doesn’t change out the photos. When we were first dating. My XH had a 5×7 professionally done photo of him and his ex-girlfriend on his dresser. I kept wondering why he didn’t put it away. I finally said something and he said, “Oh, I didn’t realize that was still there.” I gave him the benefit of the doubt as sometimes guys don’t even realize we got a new haircut, outfit, etc. Well, he triangulated me with her for years! He stayed in touch with her and went out for lunches and dinners with her when they were still in college! He did this with his high school prom date too! He told me it was normal for him to do this and I shouldn’t feel jealous and insecure. The ex-girlfriend was even invited to our wedding!!! By this time it didn’t bother me as I felt like I won the prize. Now I now this is all behavior that is done by the character disordered people of this world — narcs, sociopaths and psychopaths. He *was* intentionally trying to get me jealous and make me feel insecure. He *was* setting up the Pick Me Dance with the former girlfriend. He future faked with her too as when I first me her, she made a comment about them getting married after college. So, he was saying the same loving bombing shit to her that he said to me. Be kind to yourself and love yourself by not looking anymore. Every single time you look, you are hurting yourself.

    • @ONM…. same here — it just shows the level of disregard these losers have for everyone, including the OW! Not my monkey, thank God!

  • Far be it for me to contradict advice from CL, given all she’s done (and continues to do) for Chump Nation, but here’s the flip side of the thin argument for being vigilant if you bred with a Fuckwit:

    If I didn’t occasionally check KK’s social media, I never would have known that she and the Chlorine Special were planning on launching a sex podcast where they planned on sharing stories about “personal sexual evolutions.” Or that she attempted generating “buzz” by posting photos of the sex toys they use on each other. Or that all of this was done on public sites, easily accessible by my 16 and 15 year old daughters.

    All of which led to me consulting a therapist as to proper diligence and whether (and to what degree) I broached the topic with my girls, and assured them that “Dad is on top of things” and is looking out for anything that might cause them grief.

    This may indeed be an extreme case (Kunty Kibbler is a gold mine for those, it seems) but I would argue that I wouldn’t be a responsible parent if I didn’t.

    • She is a special kind of crazy UXworld. Please tell me that she doesn’t have photos of your children linked to her sex job. They don’t need the ongoing grief or special crazies to sniff around them.

      They do have their public profiles locked down tightly, right? Ugh.

    • I agree that in certain cases it can be important to know what’s going on — it certainly was in my case, too.

      If it throws a person for a loop, though, then it can also be so harmful, especially early on.

      This could be a case where trusted friends could help. So often people want to help in a tangible way but there is nothing to do. If you have trusted friends who can monitor and take screenshots/save the data in case you need it later and let you know anything that might impact your kids or whatever, it can take a lot of the stress off of you.

      Sometimes just not seeing it with your own eyes is a real trauma reducer.

    • Words fail. Your X wins the sparkly turd award. How anyone could do this to their children is beyond me.

      • There’s a longer, detailed post about it in the Forums (search for “KK Podcast Part 2”) but in a nutshell:

        — After a description of the situation and showing her some printouts, therapist stopped me and said: “UX, I have to caution you that I am about ‘this’ far away (hands about a foot apart) from reporting this situation to DSS.”
        — When she asked for my reaction if she did take action, I said that given the current state of my girls’ lives (excellent grades, involved enthusiastically in high school and extra-curricular activities, overall happy and positive dispositions, etc.) I feel that any change to the current living/custody arrangements is risky, especially since my older daughter will be 18 in 2 years anyway.
        — She accepted this, but encouraged me to have the same type of discussion with my daughters about the podcast as I did with the boudoir photos that KK has posted of herself, only more specific as to their feelings about it, the differences between “sex positivity” as a mindset and principle vs. using it to get attention and ‘define a person,’ etc.
        — I did most of the talking (my girls understandably were embarassed) but I emphasized:

        — I wouldn’t be a responsible parent if I didn’t bring these kinds of things up
        — My biggest concern is any negative impacts this decision by KK could be having on them (teachers/coaches/friends, or parents of friends, finding out and having a negative reaction)
        — If anything about this is uncomfortable for them, they need to feel free to discuss with me
        — Dad is on the case, keeping an eye out on anything potentially harmful, and my job is to protect you at all times, even if it stems from actions of people close to you

        The counselor also asked whether I’d made my attorney aware, so I shot him a note about it as well. His reply: “I think the [podcast] part is possibly more serious than the photos. Certainly, both concern me for your daughters. Arguments can certainly be made that it is not in their best interests to be exposed to this stuff.”

        • Oh wow, that really is crazy! It sounds like you handled it all the absolute best way possible, and had good advice from the therapist and from your lawyer. I understand you not wanting to disrupt their lives if they don’t seem to be impacted by anything thus far. All you can really do is stay vigilant and not overlook things. I’m worried my XH is grooming my daughter, there’s nothing I can currently do except to reach out to resources available, speak to a child psychologist, give the kids an opportunity to speak to a child psychologist and stay vigilant, and try to stay one step ahead of him if that’s the case. Thank you for sharing all of this, I’ll definitely check the podcast out on the forums.

        • Better they should hear it from you than through the grapevine after someone they know discovered it. Good job!

  • Option

    He doesn’t need to. The account you are ‘checking’ is there on purpose for you to check and she’s blocked from it? Maybe he has a new one with her that you are blocked from? Just a hunch. Most kids have two Instagram accounts….

    • Karenb6702, you have what she never will, morals. She is a sparkly turd. Sure, that Facebook pic might look like she is beautiful, young, and thin. What it doesn’t show is her character deficit, her man poaching skanky endless hole of a soul, her Karmic debt. She is willing to settle for a man who cheats. She ain’t all that. Trust CL and CN, she sucks.

  • I unfollowed posts from both the Asshole and all of his immediate family – initially it was too painful to see anything from him or his side of the family. Now it would just irritate me to no end to view his impression management campaign. I just don’t want to see it.

  • I left Facebook behind in October 2018 and have not checked even once. It was too much watching her post things and he would be the first to throw a “love” or “like” on it or the first to comment. And seeing my in laws being okay with all this shit it made my skin crawl. It helps to not know what those fuckwits are doing. I already have to deal with him as he lives in my house with my kids 50 % of the time and I have to coach the kids with this asshole face as he has kids the same age as mine.

  • My ex confirmed that he is with ow now and has started being public with her- I had blocked him and her a while ago and he had blocked me when I said I wanted a divorce.- but I was still connected to his friends and family- with a few exceptions of people he managed to turn against me. Well a few weeks ago I wrote a message to the mutual friends who were primarily his friends – 20 years together so some of these folks I know pretty well- and to his family – some who are very supportive of me and haven’t bought his bullshit. I simply told them that for the sake of my peace and my son’s peace I was going to distance myself from his life and that included his friends and family. My ex has started making rounds and the few people he has gotten to have blocked me or unfriended me or my family at his direction. I’m sure whatever story he’s telling is convincing- I mean enough for them to believe the words of a 5 year affair having list and cheater over me. So I told them I don’t have the energy or the need to defend myself to everyone and it’s best to just put the distance and I thanked them for their friendship and support and that hopefully this is temporary until cheater pants calms the fuck down! I also told them that i left not because I didn’t love him but because I couldn’t trust him because he still worked every day with the howorker. And I ended it with he, I and god know the truth and that’s all I can do- I can’t keep battling his lies.

    With this I don’t have to worry about seeing anything thru his friends and family and they don’t have to worry about being put in the middle. I’m a way it’s a self-protective thing to do. I hopefully tones down My ex’s paranoia about me knowing anything about his life and it also keeps my life and hopefully future relationships out of his view too. There were a few people that I wasn’t sure I could trust to not report back to him on what I had going on. I know he’s dying to be able to yank alimony from me the minute I start dating someone.

    The thing that hurt the most was that my sister in law unfriended my mom a few weeks before- my mom has been nothing but wonderful to her especially after sil’s mom passed. That’s when I knew it was time to cut ties completely- I’m sure it was ex’s instruction to do that so that my family would never be able to see my ex and howorker on anything shared by my sil.

    He really does suck and it’s better to go no contact and that means all peripheral contact too. I still have my tribe of support and I’ll never forget his friends and family that we’re supportive- but my peace and by extension my son not having to deal with asshole dad’s moods over crap like this- means letting go of some relationships.

  • It was hard (and not immediate) but I blocked my ex and his entire crazy ass family and nearly everyone associated with him.
    He has a Facebook and so does she but they are not worth a single moment.

  • One of the best things I started saying after my divorce was “DKDC.” As in don’t know, don’t care.

  • My ex doesn’t really do social media. He is a master of compartmentalizing his life. He likes to keep people in the right compartment without knowing what he’s doing in the other compartments.

    • The serial-cheater turd has mastered this skill also. Secrets are his BFF’s but “secrets don’t make friends”.

    • Mine does a lot of this too…each group thinks it was only a fling, a bit of a midlife crisis. It’s his entire life…personal,professional,vacations,etc…he’s a piece of shit through and through.

    • Lol, yep. My ex recently got off social
      Media and my first thought was “oh, he’s doing something bad again and doesn’t want to be found out by his current girlfriend.”

  • I did not initially unfriend my ex on FB for two reasons. She keeps a travel log there and more than once has approached me about more support. With her lifestyle I think she’d have a hard time justifying it in court. I also could track kid activities.

    BUT

    now that kids are older, have phones and are trackable with them, and the schedule has settled down, I no longer need that resource.

    Time to unfriend…I can find all I need elsewhere.

  • My ex left me in 2001, so long before social media. I thought I was safe.

    Then, without warning, comments from him pop up on the page of a mutual friend. I gave the friend a choice, and friend chose to remain Facebook friends with the ex. So I have unfriended the friend. Hard, but necessary for my piece of mind. Seeing ex’s name and comments brought back some of the old hurt.

  • When I split from the ex, my two children were adults. I know that some of the parents here check social media because breeding with a fuckwit never ceases to be an issue; to include inappropriate posts on social media that could find its way back to the kids. I’m blessed I don’t have to worry about that so the ex, the ex’s family, the OW and everyone in their orbit are blocked on social media to include linkedin. (Yes, you can block people on linkedin). I don’t get work anniversary updates, suggestions that I might know them, or told to congratulate them for their new promotion and they won’t get updates about me either.

    Even still FB announced their marriage to me. It wasn’t in the conventional way mind you but when I was adding some neighbors from our married life to my blocked list, I scrolled by the OW’s name which had changed to include my ex’s last name. Fortunately when I got that little tid bit of info I was well past the point of caring.

    People ask me if I’m ever curious about his life but I genuinely don’t care if he’s still converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. I spent enough time in life with him. I’m done now!

  • You know, you can block and unfriend people connected with cheater. Fortunately, ow and cheater “scrubbed” the internet of their presence, trying. Trying to control the “we just found each other, yesterday” narrative, but it really helped me eliminate guys.
    My CURRENT FB is a testimony to good, supportive people who give a $hit about me. No x, no Ow, no stupid x extended family.

    FB and social media is exactly what you make it out to be. Mine helped me shape a new future for myself.

    I made mine a happy place. Some old classmates, some former students, many new friends…..

  • I guess I’m the odd one out then because I still look at his FB page on occasion (and hers) but it was ALWAYS with a view to “thank God he’s not my problem any more”. They are a pair of pompous posers both of them and it makes me chuckle. She thinks she looks like Sharon Stone (posted a side-by-side photo of herself and SS one time) and he always looks like a J.C. Penny catalogue model staring off dreamily into the distance or, more likely, he’s looking three sheets to the wind! It doesn’t bother me in the slightest – just enforces my feeling of utter relief that I never have to look at him, sleep with him or stand down wind of him ever again – he’s all yours baby! I guess I’m a nasty cow really because I also use FB to post my holiday snaps (I’m an avid traveller) and photos with my kids (something he can’t do because he’s how many thousands of miles away). I also know he misses his life here in the alps so I stick all my hiking pictures on there too. Not specifically for him, but because I have family all over the world but if it sticks in his craw then fine. The best, though, was I used to date a surgeon before I married and my ex hated him, despite the fact that I dated him before I ever met my ex. The surgeon and I are still friends (40 years later!!!) and when we went out to dinner recently I posted a selfie on FB of the two of us. My family knew the surgeon too and like him so, like I say, it isn’t all done for my ex’ benefit but …. oh well.

  • I had to unplug from Facebook, because I knew that I would be tempted to look. I had already checked it out when I found out he married her. And while he wasn’t posting anything but being tagged by his sisters – she was posting doing the impression management. I found myself looking at him gauging how unhappy he looked, trying to figure out why they were not friends on Facebook, trying to figure out why he did this and that blah blah blah. Then friends sending me photos. It was too much, so I unplugged and asked my friends not to send me anymore photos because that was not helping me move on. Every once in a while a friend will casually mention that he doesn’t post but his sisters tag him in all photos… pretty much suggesting something is off about their marriage but I don’t go down that rabbit hole. He’s with her and whatever is happening is happening. It’s very tempting but He does not contact our daughters and has gone on about his sorry life. So with that being said it ain’t much to follow since he ain’t following his kids

  • I love social media. I refused to lose the positive social sides and so just blocked him, Slaggy-Anne and all her children. Also a few swiss ‘friends’ and his dysfunctional family were unfollowed. I didn’t create false accounts to stalk. I trusted they both sucked (and I was too lazy) so just got on with it.

    Nearly four years out at present so doesn’t happen now but if anyone referenced him / her on my wall in anyway, I deleted the comment and asked privately for them not to mention any of them. If they did it again I deleted them. In my head stalking is breaking No Contact. From six months after Dday I have stuck to No Contact and it was a challenge at first to keep it up, now I don’t give any thought of what they are up to. It works

    I hear snippets from time to time as we share a nat

    • * national hobby still, but I just say oh! and give it no-more thought

    • In the beginning, I created a false FB account but soon discovered that it was pain shopping that set me back. Within two months of the whole shitshow, I had blocked the Dickhead, the OW, his sinister sister and then later anyone in their orbit. They lost the right to know anything about me. I’ve been zero contact and no stalking since September of last year, and it’s was the best and easiest decision I made for my healing.

      • Blocked the Fucktard, his ho work wife, and Fucktards entire family siblings and all their kids. They always told me “I was family” – a few years out and nope turns out I am not family. They are not entitled to know anything about me or be anywhere in my orbit of life.

    • Me too. I enjoy Facebook. Blocking various asses has been a keen pleasure. My news feed, my rules.

  • My X asshat moved back from Europe with his sparkletwat in tow. She is our daughter’s age, 26 compared to his 50. She is a greasy cow whose best profile picture features her flop sweat stringy hair and her hiding bad teeth behind a tight smile. Pasty and not healthy looking. This wasn’t a random shot but rather it was posed and is same one she uses for Linked In. I guess she forgot to shower.

    The OW has now attempted to friend everyone on FB to establish her legitimacy. She has also popped up at least monthly looking at my professional Linked In over the last 18 months. It all stinks of desperation and pick me dancing.

    Since 2 years has past the X asshat expects everyone to have just gotten over it by now. The Switzerland in-laws all piled in and friended her. The fact that the asshat lied, that they know he abandoned me by e-mail and moved out while I was away, the fact she is half his age, it matters not to that spineless, pot-addled bunch.

    But it was because the twat attempted to friend our daughters that they finally blocked the whole idiot clan.

    Prior to this they were in the “we can handle it” mode with keeping their dad on ice and maintaining a threadbare relationship with the in-laws. This desperate attempt to legitimize his abandonment of their mother to chase pervertishly young pussy is apparently the last straw and they are all blocked. My 2 daughters’ family has been reduced to me, my parents, and each other.

    I am proud that they know right from wrong and refuse to do the get-along game. The asshat never faces anything and was counting everyone to have just gotten over it so he wouldn’t have to lift a finger. He can bring the twat around and pretend they are legitimate and the poor character assholes will pile in. He calculated wrong about his daughters and will not know his grandchildren.

    If asked if the young pussy was worth the loss of his daughters and grandchildren I am sure the answer is “yes.”

  • Question, this is totally off topic, but I need some advice please…

    Today, my 4 year old daughter asked me if I missed Daddy, and I told her no that I didn’t miss him. She said she missed him, and I told her that was fine, and that it is okay for her to miss him if that is how she feels… How else should I have responded to this?!?! It caught me off guard, what else would you say to this, she’s only 4 and doesn’t really understand completely. I have also told her before that the reason Daddy left is because he wanted to be with other ladies, but I don’t elaborate past that.

    Thank you for any advice!

    • I think your reply is as good as it can be; you acknowledged her pain and explained (with consideration of her youth) why he isn’t in the family. One of these days in the future you can expand if she asks again.

      • Thank you, I feel like it’s hard when there’s not much you can do except give just that little bit. I appreciate the validation 🙂

      • Thank you, I really appreciate it, just having validation helps me feel better about it 🙂

    • You answered honestly and in an age appropriate way. And I would continue to do this as she gets older and has other questions. 🙂

    • That sounds like the perfect approach to take. With my kids (who are older), I also add that it’s OK for them to feel differently about their mom than I do. That they’re allowed to have their own feelings that aren’t the same as mine.

      • I like that too! In the beginning I would often say mommy and daddy love you so much, but I’ve started trying to steer clear of speaking for him.

        Just like me needing validation for how to handle this conversation, they (the kids) are always looking for similar validation of their feelings about it all. I don’t ever want to make them feel like they are wrong to feel a certain way about it all, but I also, don’t want to lie about how I feel about their father because one day they’ll know more, and I don’t want them to think it is okay to ever treat someone that way. Thank you, I appreciate it!

        • I agree with stopping “mommy and daddy love you so much,” because people who love you don’t abandon and betray their families. It’s important for kids, especially girls, to know that that isn’t love.

          “I love you so much and I’ll always be here for you” is really all you can promise and be sure of.

  • I’m never on Facebook thank goodness BUT I work on the same small college campus as my ex, who is now taking me to court for the second time after the divorce because he’s changed his mind about something else and apparently contracts just don’t apply to him. To add to that, he JOINED the one student group I advise. It’s hell. It’s hell. It’s hell.

    He’s marrying his ethics professor hobag and I’m thrilled about that. No two people deserve each other more. She’s a holy-roller, musical loving nightmare on legs.

    HR is no help. I’m open to any suggestions out there and PLEASE don’t tell me to move. I have my dream job, he’s universally hated here, my daughter has good friends and my parents live in town and can’t move again due to their age. Plus, I don’t want him to take this from me too.

    I’m trying to fight back legally but signed a crappy divorce agreement from my first crappy attorney. I do have a good attorney now but she has that document as her starting point.

    Feeling super low right now.

    • While I have no suggestions for what to do (you are already doing it by fighting back legally). I just want to congratulate you on standing your ground and keeping your dream job and fighting for it! That is amazing!!

    • Sounds like he wants to provoke a reaction or this could be the start of stalking, you never know with these crazies. If I were you, I would do the following:

      1) Document every attempted contact by him and her,
      2) Take a self-defense class (Be a hard target),
      3) Keep your lawyer in the loop,
      4) Talk to your lawyer and get legal security equipment, body camera, video door bell etc. for you and your parents,
      5) Don’t dismiss—anything overt, lawyer, police, restraining order,
      6) See a therapist and learn to grey rock him.

      You may find that they leave when they discover you won’t play.

    • You are divorced. Done. So if a co-worker, and that is all he is at this point, is stalking or making you feel threatened, HR has to intervene. The last thing any company or school wants is a lawsuit due to not protecting their employees. Stand your ground, be above reproach and do not leave! Making you leave is his goal. He’ll end up going too far, screw up eventually and be fired.

    • Mabel is right. Carefully document everything and if/when you have 3 incidents, file a complaint. Even if you don’t succeed you will likely scare both your ex and your HR off. Yes, HR, you’re no longer married to him and they have a duty of care toward you

    • I feel for you. I”m stuck in the same department as my XW (I was the trailing spouse when we moved for her job; she dumped me a few weeks after we arrived) who is best friends with the department chair, and has now finagled the AP-cum-husband as adjunct professor even though he lives 1000 miles away.

      It’s tough not having a safe space at work. I got a jolt the first time AP’s name popped up on a departmental mailing list (I had no idea he had wormed his way in), but now that I’m prepared for it I hope it won’t throw me again. I don’t even see XW very often. I can’t imagine how people cope who had joint businesses and have to keep running them together, seeing each other every day.

      Could you switch departments? Do you have any interest in administration? Just getting a little more distance – so you’re not running into him in the halls – would probably help a lot.

      • “I can’t imagine how people cope who had joint businesses and have to keep running them together, seeing each other every day.” — it’s a nightmare that keeps on giving as many will testify

        I agree with your last part about trying to keep physically apart from your ex in a working environment — what allows me to function in a joint business is that my admin role and her teaching role don’t really overlap in our schedules so we don’t see each other much if at all — I find this helps enormously as I couldn’t imagine being say a realtor with my ex and sharing the same office space — I also try to keep all communication by text (email, message, etc.) and avoid any actual meeting as much as possible (as generally a cheating narc will only want a face-to-face as a way to goad you and extract some anger/hate kibbles)

      • Thank you Involuntary Georgian and others for your support. It seems like quite a few of these narcs work in higher education. If anyone wants to talk about this particular environment, please let me know.

        Cheers to us,
        Tuesday

  • Although I did end up for a time in a situation where I felt I needed to do some close surveillance to protect my teen son, I accomplished it without social media. I otherwise took the hard line on cutting all the social media ties, but not so much for the reasons mentioned above, as I’m not particularly obsessed with what my X is doing.

    Instead, I did it in order to start to make a safe space for myself. One of the sickening realizations I made was that X enjoys keeping his secrets while tracking me and knowing my every move–he often plies our son for information about what I am doing and has even called my family members at times looking for info on me. Basically, I just spent 25 years in a panopticon, on display for (and thus in some respects under the control of) someone who knew everything there was to know about me but revealed almost nothing about himself. Even now this imbalance of power in our relationship freaks me out. I am looking forward to the day I can disappear entirely from his field of view–and cutting off social media was a first step toward that.

  • Another good article. Facebook, twitter and instagram are all social butterfly management. A snapshop in times does not make a life. People always look good and happy on facebook. Why put shitty picture of yourself on a social media site.

    • I found the ex’s business on Facebook even though “he hurt his back real bad and couldn’t sit at a desk for his 6 figure job and couldn’t pay his child support” but he can run a granite fabricating company. Printed all 23 pages of his postings and will bring to court next month for back child support. What dumbass puts their business on Facebook when claiming disability and poverty?

      • The kind of dumbass who deludes themselves into thinking there are no consequences for their actions. It’s just the stinking cheater mindset applied to another aspect of life. I hope you are able to not only get your back child support, but he faces legal consequences as well. What a jackass! Hugs to you and good luck!

  • I unfriended and blocked my Ex, his entire family and all of his friends, problem solved, it’s been 3 years now. But, just yesterday a good friend of mine who is divorced and does alot of dating thru Bumble, (I do not and don’t use those dating apps, personal preference) saw my Ex on there, took screenshots of his profile and sent them to me, looks like his shmoopie dumped him, and his profile photos and bio are insane. I laughed for a solid 10 minutes!!

  • In my case Facebook did help with my healing but I am a unique case. My ex isn’t on Facebook and I didn’t join until about 9 months after the divorce was final so there is no whiff of him anywhere on my page beyond relationship status listed as “divorced” because I am not ashamed of it. My daughter is on Facebook as is my mother. I have also reconnected with a number of old friends from high school and college through Facebook. It’s where I post the positive things in my life, mostly pictures of me with family. Posting these photos of me with loved ones or enjoying the latest outdoor adventure or whatever reminds me that I still have a lot to be grateful for and that ex was really the only thing I lost. I also get to keep up with my friends and what they are doing. It has helped me to feel connected and serves as a reminder that there are still people out there who think I am pretty awesome. I still have plenty of loved ones in my life without ex. I don’t know if Schmoopie is on Facebook or not, but I have never seen any sign of her so if she is, I seem to be well insulated. It is a safe place for me but I am lucky that way.

  • I guess this is where my STBXH’s paranoia comes in handy for me. He refuses to use a computer, hasn’t touched his old social media since 2 years before we were married, refuses to have anything but an old flip phone. His now ex howorker is big on social media, but I blocked her right after DDay along with his whole family. Never had any Switzerland friends on there. I’m rarely ever on social media. Mostly I use it to keep in touch with family and long distance friends. So mine has been a pretty safe place for me to do my own thing. Plus, my family likes to send a lot of snarky memes on there for me which have been wonderful!

  • It’s not HIS FB that I stalk bc he ended it (well I actually did when I discovered the whole mess!) it’s HERS. And I know I shouldn’t because you’re right – it’s holding me back. I just can’t figure it out. For someone as hauty and braggy as he is, with that giant ego – THAT’S who he picked? THAT’S who totally turned my life upside down, has made me re-evaluate everything I ever thought I knew about him, about myself, about who I am as a wife and a woman? Seriously? A low life, white trash skank with a GED who works in a warehouse with zero possibility of changing her lot in life? Who is 48 (now) and lives with her mother?! Who’s never been more than 30 miles from her hometown? Where every single relationship has ended with a black eye, a brick through the window and a restraining order? Who’s an alcoholic (and posts her drunk-ass pics on FB, then sobers up and takes them down? AND – she’s stupid. Like unintelligent! I’ve spoken to her and even the simplest concepts are like trying to explain nuclear physics to a 6 month old! Or maybe she’s just drunk at 3 in the afternoon – hard to tell. But it’s nice to see that her son has gotten out of federal prison after the biggest heroin bust in the state’s history! Good for him! Poor thing never stood a chance living where he does and having her for his mother. I’m not saying these things to be mean. I truly am not. They’re absolute facts. That’s what I just don’t get. I mean, I understand the concept of “low lying fruit” but c’mon! I can’t even possibly imagine – HIM – of all people – Mr. Brags with his Rolex and his $20 cigar (that everybody has to know about) talking about his international trips (with his WIFE, btw) and how much his car costs, and how he bought his wife a $1200 Movado watch, being with HER. I couldn’t possibly imagine him everrrrrr bringing her around to aaaanyone he’s ever known EVER, let alone his family or his sons. Can’t. No way. Even apparently having that magic pussy that she must possess. And now – she has teeth missing. I keep thinking that if I look close enough, I’ll be able to figure it out. 5 yrs later and I’m still going…are you fucking KIDDING me?!!! THAT?

    • Obviously, she adores him far more than you did, properly feeding his ego. Acomplised women are a threat to them, not admiring enough and potentially stealing attention and admiration away from him. Also, that’s his level and maybe you don’t really know what kind of strange and disgusting thing she’s prepared to do to and for him.

    • LeeLoo, THAT is a perfect match for him. You were too much woman; what with the complete sentences, morals and regular bathing. Don’t compare yourself to THAT ever. THAT is his Karma. She is an outward and visible sign of his morality. You can never understand his disordered mind. He must be King of the Fuckwits.

    • Narcissists need people to kneel at the base of their pedestal. She sounds like a definite downgrade !

    • Hi, are you me?

      I would feel sorry for my OW if she hadn’t gotten off on conspiring to trash my dreams. Her life seems pretty shitty. She’s unattractive, unsuccessful, broke, and doesn’t seem to be able to sustain friendships. I know all this from stalking her social media accounts!

      I’m pretty sure the reason people cheat with crappy people like that is that it makes them feel more powerful, central, and in control.

      I’ve been getting better about obsessively stalking OW on social media. It gets easier when I get busier. Looking at that stuff never makes me feel better, because either I see negative things and think “how could he have betrayed me for THAT?” or I see positive image-management things and wonder why the karma bus hasn’t come for her yet.

        • Not quite (that I know of). She’s moved on to dating some new guy who is a colossal failure at life but as far as I know is a kind person. I hope he is a cheater, because if he’s a good person who thinks he’s in stage 1 of a beautiful, stable, long-term relationship he’s on his way to being crushed (and she’s getting more than what she deserves).

  • I do on occasion check my ex’s facebook and linkin. Not that I give a rat’s rear end about what he is doing with who. He has not paid child support in over a year, or spoken to daughter since last summer. He claims that he is unemployed or minimally employed. I suspect that he is doing contract work to hide his income. He does like to put up a front, so if he does get another good paying job with a good company, he will brag about it on social media. There are also a few other things that he does on there that are “tells” to what he is up to, so I can plan accordingly, if necessary.

    As far as the fake stuff, oh yeah….he was recently involved with one of the many women he had contact with over the years and they made it “facebook official” both posting about their “new” relationship on there. I was really rooting for them…..She lives in another state and it would be awesome if he moved away. He is not paying child support, not having anything to do with daughter, and just being a royal pain that lives about a mile from me. Looks like it wasn’t “twu luv” after all. maybe he will find that in someone in another state even further away (keeping fingers crossed).

  • My ex came home from work on a Monday and told me that he was leaving the next day. I didn’t sleep that night, but he slept like a baby (soulless asshole). I got up in the middle of the night, got on his phone, and logged him out of my social media accounts that he had access to. I then changed passwords and adjusted names. I spent that week deleting any picture or post about the two of us and blocking those danged Facebook memories that are always popping up. He spent that week beginning his career as a social media rockstar. Every account that I found I blocked. I found the women I suspected as mistresses and also blocked them. I gave other people their names so that they could watch and give my lawyer info for the divorce proceedings. I blocked all of his close associates, his office assistant, our employees, his close family and his friends. Whenever any family member or friend tried to blame me for his leaving or stuck their nose in my business I blocked them too. My friends/followers lists diminished by about half, but my peace of mind increased exponentially!
    Even after the divorce and now as I happily rebuild, I have no regrets.
    We had kids together and managed to communicate via text (only when absolutely necessary) and lawyer. I confess to sending a couple of harsh emails as a catharsis of sorts but other than that we have had zero connection for 3.5 glorious years. When our youngest turned 18 I blocked his phone number in my phone plan. He gets zero access to me.
    Social media connections and the “we are friends for the kids sake” game are completely unnecessary. Kids can be connect to the fuckwit if they want to without you seeing their mess.
    BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK
    Great post CL!

    • Wow you are brutally mighty! I am very impressed by your strength. You’ve done what most cannot.

  • I completely cut loose from my ex on social media immediately. It has been wonderful.

    But, I have the opposite problem. *She* is always trying to stalk *me* on social media. When I delisted/blocked/whatever her, she just would use my own kids and our friends to spy on me to see what I was up to.
    So, I just killed all my social media accounts, every one, except Instagram. I leave that one up as it’s nothing more than a silly picture of me by the pool a few times a year. Frankly, I don’t miss it. I connect with my friends the old-fashioned way: talking.

  • I do business on social media. I’m not the one spying, but yet again the ex and his AF are watching me again. They keep infiltrating my FB messenger. I now have a 2 step verification on most of my accounts. Don’t forget that Chumps aren’t the only ones “peeking”. I’ve been NC for over a year, and there are still signs that both he and Schmoopsiepoo are cyberstalking.

    Several password changes and security measures later? They’re still trying to see if they can get a reaction. Since I have no idea what they are up to, it’s been peaceful and bliss. The only problem is having an online business sets you up to be spied on and stalked online. It’s their problem not mine. I don’t really see the need to continue letting thing that they control or have any power over me. I don’t waste the energy on them, but seem to need to know what’s going on with me.

  • It’s been almost 4 years since I blocked the AP from my Facebook page where she’d show up to gush comments on photos I posted of my son (which she was a FB friend with). That was as step too far for me, she may have moved into the house I moved out of within 3 months of my leaving, but I didn’t have to see her on my FB feed. I also unfriended my X, he didn’t need to be cruising my page for info or kibbles, but if I tagged my son, he’d be able to see those posts.

    These social media platform choices so incensed my X that he immediately blocked me from all of his social media – like I care – except for the part that I would be interested to see pictures of my son doing things when he is in his father’s custody. (We have split custody and live in different towns.) And now he can’t see posts where I’ve tagged our son.

    I’ve had to pace myself anyway with FB. Hard to see all the happy couples doing happy things together with money and relationships that I probably will never enjoy.

    But I have my freedom and a bit of peace.

  • Gonna try to take this excellent advice to heart and stop looking up my ex-husband on Facebook. Even if it is delicious to see through all his impression management. Like how he bends 90 degrees at the waist to lean toward the camera in almost every photo. I know why: The angle moves his belly and legs further from the camera and therefore his stocky waistline looks downright skinny.

    Problem is, witnessing all this impression management does not prevent me from also seeing how it works on his “fans.” For every one of my satisfying snickers, I have to see all the “looking good!” and “sexy!” comments from assorted women. It’s a net wash and a waste of my precious time. Buh-bye, Bendy!

    • My ex posted pics of him liking like a mega stud after D Day and a few people commented but hey. Your family is broken up have some fucking humility. I could have ranted and raved about my plight on social media but I didn’t because I am too sane and a parent. They played out their affair on social media. Before they know I knew I took screen shots of everything. Weirdly they took it all down. Ooh too incriminating and not in line with the narrative perhaps. My ex ghosted me out of current social media and past posts. At our anniversary he wrote love of my life which he took pains to remove . Do you know what I think? How bloody sad that you have to revert to these lengths to back up your story. It’s so truly tragic it didn’t hurt me I just actually though wow imagine having the need or wherewith-all to go and re-write your own social media history. It is actually so sad to need to do that. I can stand by mine, every comment past and present. Minor or major but it’s the bloody tools of the devil in a narc’s hand to be fair.

  • I have been down the Facebook rabbit hole. Oh yes. SO many times. I cried and yelled and cried and yelled when the skank posted pictures of my kids in the Maldives. I also got to vent and poke fun at them via FB messenger with the man she was cheating on with my husband. Did us both some good early on I think. I made cryptic angry jabs at the ex that my close friend understood but everyone else thought they were about Donald Trump. Two acquaintances unfriended me because my cryptic comments about “their president” offended them. LOL. But really the venting was a total waste of time and usually just fed my frustration. But I also reconnected with a guy I knew in college via Facebook. Like CL said, it has its place. But that place is not in recovery-it’s just in socializing. Like ..what it was meant for.

  • FB/IG/Social Media excursions (read: comparison festivals), are not part of gaining a life.
    Tribal group text threads with trusted friends or family- so much easier, no ads, and offer the comfort of being “a part of”, while living.
    And the humor is invaluable. With better timing.
    Fuck FOMO.
    Things have changed. I got shit to do. Like live.

  • My XH and schmoopie aren’t on any social media sites because they literally have NO friends. Lol. So I have no idea what they are up too and I couldn’t care less. The only thing that I know for sure is that she is married to a recliner that snores. (Especially when he passes out from drinking) Lucky her.

  • I know that ads pay the bills but the first ad I see today after the column has the Heading “Win your ex back without looking desparate!” How not the message that CL is sending. You would think that perhaps they would be a little more sensitive to the readers here!

    • I think the ads that show up have to do with something we have looked up on our computer/phone. For a few weeks I was Googling dresses and shoes, and the ads that showed up were the stores I was looking at. Now I’m getting ads for trips, airlines and make-up; things I have been looking at on my computer. It’s the same way on Facebook. The ads that kept coming up for me were dresses and shoes.

  • My ex reconnected with his high school girlfriend on Facebook. I know it’s not Facebook’s fault, but I still take issue with the fact that social media makes it so much easier for cheaters to find ex-lovers with whom to reconnect. After I left him — because cheating is a boundary of mine — he kept in touch with my extended family and friends, posting nasties about me that my extended family was quick to tell me about. I’m fortunate that he blocked ME — I’ve been strict No-Contact now for a little over two months, and it’s wonderful. I couldn’t look even if I weakened and wanted to!

  • Yup! I blocked the Thing from the Family of Sociopaths, and what’s left of its family. I maintain loose contact with a few nieces and nephews, but they are also damaged by their own father’s fuckery, so…

    I will say that seeing who follows your ex on Social Media is a good way to really winnow those Switzerland people, though. About the only good thing it’s good for, in terms of cheater exes.

  • Facebook overall is an ok product. Weak minded low character people use it for their self centered ways. My cheater reconnected with her exbf from high school via FB. See statement above! I actually have in the past gone in and looked at her stable of POS boys. I knew better but had to see. Exbf is a bodybuilder so for a time that one did cause me some distress. Turns out he is a steroid abuser along with other drugs and alcohol. He can’t hold down a job. A real gem who thinks very highly of himself. The other one I looked at was the 26 year old she was banging. Short and chubby! That one other than the 20 year age difference didn’t really effect my mental status. Years later it is interesting in its own way to see what people will throw away 20 years for. I don’t claim to have been the best husband but I have always worked. Never was abusive. Kept the kids every week while she traveled with her job. I worked full time got kids to school, homework, extra activities taxi and always cooked dinner while she was away. I guess I was boring. To stable. No tattoos. Who knows. So I see the point. But I did get some positives from my stalking.

    • Hi David

      Too stable is exactly what I feel I was. Used because he knew family was my kryptonite – I would bend myself into a pretzel for my family. I was good at saving money (which he spent) and I did the volunteering (at school, sports, and in the community). I don’t drink (hate the taste of alcohol and might be allergic as I get sick off it really easily) and he loved that I would DD all the time even though I was tired sometimes and didn’t want to drive but he said it made me boring. Hmmm not sure why that made me boring as I can handle an intellectual conversation and I am fun loving and like to dance. I just think he wanted to control things. Now my son that sees him says he is always drunk. I think heavy use of alcohol and drugs goes along with cheating because how else can you live with yourself other than get drunk and continue the delusion that you are amazing and did nothing wrong or hurtful. Him and his married “lover” (vomit) can have each other but neither use facebook (this is probably good for me no rabbit hole to tempt me). Hugs to everyone – have a great day.

  • About two weeks ago, I got a Facebook friend request from the woman my high school boyfriend broke-up with me for. Well, this all happened way back in 1984! 35 years ago! When I logged onto Facebook and I clicked on the request to see who wanted to be my “friend”. Well, she deleted the request and it was no longer there. I only know it was her, because I get notifications on my phone and saw her name for the request. She was stalking me and must have accidentally hit the friend request button. They have been married for a very long time, but my ex boyfriend said to me at our 20th high school reunion, “Cheryl feels threatened by you.” I’m not sure why as when he broke up with me, I just let him go and didn’t do the Pick Me Dance at all. Ex boyfriend told a mutual friend that I was the one “who got away” and he regrets breaking up with me. His wife did me a big favor by winning him over; he was not the guy for me! But she’s still curious about me and I find that really funny and fascinating.

    I have my XH, his whore and his entire family blocked on Facebook. I could care less what they are all up to. I now *know* who my XH really is and his whore did me a big favor by going out on a date with him. He never was good enough and worthy of me. I’m deserving of an honest, faithful, loving, caring and reciprocal relationship. He is none of those qualities. I won’t settle for less than that again!

    • Sounds like the ex-boyfriend is still triangulating after all these years. What a horrible way to live for the wife.

      • I think this is more on the high school ex-BF. Not a good man the ex-BF to tell people that some one else got away when he is married to his current wife and also to tell that someone that his wife was insecure. It violates the trust of their marriage. Poor lady – the wife. Maybe the wife can tell him to get away too!

  • I’m not on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. And, given my circumstances, I’m glad I’m not. NC (emergency only; we have a daughter) has been key to my healing, so I’m better off sans the temptation that social media presents.

    Besides, I’m still the recipient of non-requested intel from family and friends. My daughter, who is college-age, respectfully doesn’t over-share details of her mother’s (my XW) new life, but she inadvertently offers tidbits that: 1) unfortunately remind me of the painful discard and that she has never looked back, while 2) also evidencing that my XW remains exceedingly selfish, emotionally immature, manipulative and financially irresponsible…all of which will be her undoing in the long run.

    Yep, I think I’m okay without a social media presence.

  • She lied to me, deceived me, betrayed me, cheated on me, tried to kill herself and made me deal with the trauma of finding her, filed for divorce, carried on seeing (married) schmoopie, torpedoed me in divorce settlement, moved in part time in schmoopie’s bachelor pad. All this in less than a year. It’s a lot. A hell of a lot. My response? I unfriended her. Hardly a fly-off-the-handle kind of revenge, but it sends a message – she’s no friend of mine. I unfollowed her family too. Don’t want to see her tagged in their posts either. At some point you have to cut ties and move on. I have to co-parent with this piece of crap, but it’s like a business arrangement. If you don’t have anything to say kid related, you don’t have anything to say. Laters you lying, cheating, narcissistic shell of an excuse of a human being.

  • It was in an article in UK newspaper that was dead funny about signs your partner is having an affair and one was posting pictures of peonies on Instagram. Guess what. Never had an I/gram account previously. Now all peonies, arty shots and lyrics about love. Literally face palm. Excuse spelling tonight realised can’t actually see without glasses well (erk, age shall not wither them nor the years condemn). Failing eyesight is a new challenge but I won’t blameshift that one onto him :).

  • Once I found Chumplady and saw the light I stopped looking and blocked him and his family on all social media – including LinkedIn. The kids and I would still get unsolicited reports of his sightings and behaviors and who he was with. I’d catalogue it away if needed for future custody fights. But, since his third wife tossed him out for cheating – this time with all transvestites and male prostitutes per the texts that came through my son’s ipad when he unknowingly linked it to his cell phone – it really has become sad. He faked remorse for the kids for awhile and “gave them time” but then started demanding to see them because after two months they apparently should be over him blowing up a third family – but 2+ years later they had not gone back regular visition conceding only to see him once a month for lunch then tapering off to nothing. They realized he was nothing but a fraud and do not want to see him still. So what does he do – shows up with newest chump who looks like a Barbie and he’s clearly had teeth done, maybe hair work done, fake tan, and sporting some 5 o’clock shadow trying to look 25 (he’s 53) – and embarasses not only himself but the kids as they and their friends see his PDA’s. Then to top it off – he sends the kids requests to follow in instagram – all pics are him and the new gf – who I feel sorry for – out to fancy restaurants, vacations, and the hashtag names they have for each other are like 13 year olds who cannot control their hormones. The effect that it has had – the kids really have gone no contact on their own. So social media has helped the truth come to light for them. Doesn’t help that they see all his travel and expensive lifestyle when he just pulled all support not outlined in a legal doc – including helping pay for their cell phones, cars and college. An attempt to force them to see him I suppose – but as their therapist tells them/us – “some money is too expensive”. Happy we have peace around here even if finances are now pretty tight and they have to take out student loans!

  • I looked at them on social media when someone gave me a heads up they were lying and talking smack about me. I have them blocked on line, but I created a fake account to see what was up. I took screen shots and am keeping it for the court go ‘round. Seriously though, whatever. I honestly don’t care. The Bonus Imposter is short, fat and has fake red hair. My 24 year old daughter describes her as “nasty” and she is. She came to court to testify for Sparkle dick wearing forest green LulaRu and her long fake red hair in braids over her head. My sister dubbed her “Fiona” from the movie “Shrek” It describes her perfectly.

    People here have their number. I have nothing to worry about.

  • I actually like Facebook because it helped me rebuild a new tribe around myself. That’s been a process of weeding and checking over the years, and I think it’s working better now.

    I like having a private profile; it stopped the exes and their assorted relatives trying to make friends/stalk.

    And I LOVE blocking. That sounds weird, but it’s deeply satisfying to block some asshole who desperately deserves it.

    • That what I did – built a new tribe of birding buddies! Got rid of the circus and flying monkeys, and felt so much lighter and brighter.

  • For once, in this case, Facebook WAS my friend.

    After I found out my Swedish long-term boyfriend/former bodybuilder hooked up with his Swedish ex-girlfriend from college – while on a visit back to Sweden -.I felt horribly insecure. For more than a year, I just assumed she looked like a member of the iconic Swedish Bikini Team.

    She did not.

    I discovered this after we broke up, after my curiosity got the best of me. I had only her first name and the country she lived in, bit I very quickly figured out who she was.

    I only wish I’d looked her up sooner, because I would have said, ‘Have at it, Bro.’

  • In my case FB has been a blessing and a curse. I do keep an eye on Poor Me PBD just to see how her life choices are shaking out. While I do get angry and frustrated and want to shout at the screen, “Look, behind you – don’t do it!” to the poor schmucks she dates, and it pisses me off because I want to tell people what she’s like behind her curated, ‘I’m not like the other girls’ image it also gives me comfort in some ways. I watch her cycle of idealise, devalue and discard working with reassuring regularity. She’s not better than me and she’s just as she appeared. You can’t hide the crazy for long and her posts reveal her narc tendencies and also her cruelty when she makes obvious attempts to taunt her former flames with her next one. Also her entitlement, as she talks about what she deserves and how the guys keep her in bling, not one things about what a nice guy they are or what they mean to her, no just what they can do for her. I know it seems I’m giving a lot of energy to someone who’s not worth it, but it helps me make sense of what happened, and reaffirms that yes, she is that shallow and empty and it was nothing personal, I just got in her way.

  • Disassociate disassociate disassociate! The karma bus is revving it’s engine and about to flatten them both like a pancake if it hasn’t done so already. Shitty people with shitty character can’t have good relationships. Statistically and morally their relationship is doomed. Their future is baggage filled, tainted and scummy. Yours is wide open. That’s all you need to know.

  • First thing I did was block him on facebook and other social media; now he’s blocked on email and phone also. Nil interest. First step to getting him out of your head is getting him off your screen. The only thing I did do a couple of times in the first year or so was look at his blog. Merely confirmed that he is WEIRD. No contact ROCKS.

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