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No Tag Backs, OW

Hi CL!

I’m a newbie chump (7 weeks going on 8) and up until now I behaved really rather well. I kept my cool and didn’t do the pick me dance, I managed not to drunk dial soon-to-be-ex-husband, up until last week he was still ‘harassing’ me via text/emails/calls (especially when drunk) with a mix of apologies, angry abuse and just general chat.

He received the first official separation letter from my lawyer last week and I’ve not heard from him since. However at the weekend I found out that he must’ve introduced Schmoopie to mutual friends as she’d friended a couple of them on Facebook. I promptly deleted said friends and sent them a quick message explaining why. It was all polite etc.

Then the problem arose that him introducing her to mutual friends pushed me over the edge: a long message that I’d drafted weeks ago and resisted from sending made its way to her Facebook inbox. EEK. Overnight I received 2 messages from other mutual friends (long-term friends of his down south) saying that this was a step too far and they couldn’t continue to support me. They blocked me off all social media and my number too, so I didn’t get a chance to explain/apologise for putting them in a difficult position. I’d managed to hold my head up high because it felt like I was definitely on the ‘winning side’ of things, but stbxh introducing his affair partner killed me. It was yet another dish of selfish disrespect that I couldn’t swallow.

Here’s the message to Schmoopie in all its glory (see below): I’m torn between having ‘said my piece’ and also feeling like he’s going to use that to paint me as the crazy bitter rejected wife and I’m waiting to lose all our mutual friends one by one… FYI I’ve checked and thankfully it can’t be constituted as harassment as in Scotland something has to happen minimum twice before it can be. Lucky escape!

I would appreciate any words of wisdom you might have to share!


To the girl dating my husband.

Thank you (Schoompie), for plastering photos of you and my husband while we were – and still are – married. You have no idea what a nightmare you’ve saved me from.

To reward you for your services I’m offering you my husband for keeps. Please note the following:

You will NOT return him to me. I will NOT have him. He messed up when he got involved with you. Don’t be surprised if you don’t live up to me because you won’t and he’ll make you miserable for it once the newness wears off.

I’m not angry with you. You look too young and too dumb to know what you’ve got yourself into. For months I’ve supported him through his substance abuse, anxiety and depression, which for a 40 year old with a new business – took its toll. I made him a priority, to try to alleviate his pain and keep him happy. It’s taken me this long to realise I can’t do that. You won’t be able to either.

Since I found out about you, I asked him and I watched as he lied to me about how you’re ‘just friends’. I’m surprised how easily and adamantly he did and still does. You believe he’s the coolest 40 year old guy on the block. You think he’s loaded. It’s called a credit card and it’s maxed out so don’t get too comfortable.

Talking about finances, you’re going to have to give up those all-paid-for getaways real soon, I say this because he’s going to be giving up a sizeable chunk of his pay in spousal support every month. So forget about his money because it’s mine!

And this surprise message from your boyfriend’s wife? Yes, I do feel completely justified in my actions. Just in case you were wondering.

So thank you (Schoompie), for showing me that 4 years and a marriage were no match for you. I applaud you on a man well won. HE’S ALL YOURS!

I think I fucked up. Help!

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

What’s done is done. You’re going get some fist bumps today, and you’re going to get some BTDT-I-live-with-the-mortification. No one is in their right mind after being chumped. If you’d asked me, I would’ve told you that nothing says “Do NOT return my husband” like silence.

Consider your cheating husband like a flaming bag of dog poo you left at her door. Now run away! You don’t ring the bell and declare, “This is a bag of flaming dog poo. It’s yours. It smells. It burns. Step in it. I want you to have it.”

No, you let her experience the full sensory immersion of flaming dog poo on her own.

But like I said, what’s done is done. The upside of this whole mess is you found out who the Switzerland friends are — people who a) are notified immediately about the contents of her private inbox and give a flip and b) weigh their short-term acquaintanceship of Schmoopie more than their four year investment in you. So, consider this a life editing job complete. You didn’t need these people.

I know the rejection stings, and the sense that beyond being chumped, you’ve been conspired against. When did these people start hating me? But seriously, you don’t need these people in your life. They aren’t “our” friends — they’re his friends. More flaming dog poo. Let him have them.

Also, it’s just been 8 weeks, and I know you’ve filed for separation — but here’s the thing — his life is now his life. Who he (cough) “dates” is now zero concern of yours. Unless you have kids and need provisions about introductions (which is absolutely impossible to enforce), who he dates, how he dates (37 profiles on hornypatheticdudes.com) is none of your business. You’re divorcing. Wash your hands of him.

Would you want him commenting on YOUR dating life? No. He’s an ex.

When you write a letter like that (see “If It Feels Good, Don’t Do It“) you’re essentially engaging in the pick me dance. It feels like you’re telling them off, but really, you’re just tossing kibbles in the pig trough. Pigs will eat anything. Good kibble, bad kibble. They’re not discerning. It’s all kibble. Your job is not to feed the drama pigs.

You fed the drama pig? Well, she’s probably going to feel like she got top-shelf kibble. YOU CARE. Enough to WRITE to her. He must REALLY be special because you’re telling her he isn’t.

She doesn’t need you to discover who he is. The consequences of his character will do that. You know what will register? His broke ass. His eventual devaluing of her. When she discovers his 37 profiles at hornypatheticdudes.com.

feeling like he’s going to use that to paint me as the crazy bitter rejected wife

He’s already done that. The discard started a long time ago. He would’ve painted you as crazy regardless because he has to cover the stench of his cheating. But yes, it helps not to go along with his narrative. Still he’s going to push that narrative — you don’t control that. The people that matter understand, and the ones who don’t, don’t matter.

Just rock on with your new life, Sarah. Okay, you might feel like you flubbed this one, but it’s irrelevant. What matters is you didn’t pick me dance — you filed.

WELL DONE.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I don’t know – if I were schmoopie I would be mortified to share this because it shows that schmoopie started out with a married man. No? Let it go though. I do congratulate you on filing and losing a bad spouse.

    • Kale, I’m sure the message wasn’t actually shared. He went to the friends and told his twisted side of her sending a nasty threatening message to Schnoopie and outraged said friends.
      His first Scnoopie still thinks I’m a cold Un-affectionate cactus…lmfao! No longer my circus!!!

    • Ehhh the “my poor poor boyfriend was Trapped in a Loveless Marriage to a Crazy Bitch” narrative carries a *lot* of weight in society still (as does its opposite, “my girlfriend was Trapped in a Loveless Marriage to an Abusive Bastard”). A lengthy missive from the “crazy ex” bolsters the narrative and soothes any qualms Schmoopie has about being a homewrecker.

      • Its all kibbles and drama. Look what they are being subjected to when their only crime was to fall in love.
        You need to go all silent on them and dignified. He is hers if he decides to be…like he was yours…the man is fickle and a liar.
        Maybe they will thrive…or appear to.
        Whether it is agony or ecstasy for them….or just gets boring as it tends to do when the drama runs out and the secrecy ends.
        Dont feed the drama. Leave them to it.

  • I didn’t message Sue, but when Mac and I broke up over her, I told *Mac* specifically to never darken my door again if she stomped his heart. I get the impulse to want the last word, believe me.

  • Congratulations on getting rid of the shitty friends. Job well done!!!! I only wish I had been rid of them 2 years earlier.

    Time to rock & roll with your brand new life. You and your REAL friends will laugh about this experience in a few years. They’ll probably even ask for help drafting a letter to their shitty boss when they quit a shitty job.

  • Girl, I would not feel that bad that you sent this. Yes maybe silence sends a better message as CL posts, but I’ve been there and I understand. I actually think you letter was quite mild so I don’t think you should feel bad. The fact that you have already lawyered up at 8 weeks out is awesome. And fuck those friends. They should be ashamed of themselves. Sadly you ex has probably painted a nice pretty picture of you to them (can we say smear campaign), so it doesn’t surprise me these long time mutual friends are doing this you. You’ve gone too far they say?? Fuck that shit. Hello having an affair while married and then bringing around your side piece for introductions is too far. I will never understand how “friends” sweep this shit under the rug. This speaks OODLES about their character (and your cheater’s character) and honestly how can one be even a good friend if they are capable of such horrendous acts. I lost (not a great loss) probably 99 percent of these so-called-friends during my divorce. It’s totally fine. While I think it’s messed up, there is no doubt in my mind of the smear campaign that occurred. How else was he able to bag his glorified babysitter (now wife) into dating him less than 6 months after I kicked him out and right in the middle of lawyer stuff. For the other narc in my life, I just went ahead and blocked those other so called friends immediately. For whatever reason people don’t seem to care how much of a douchebag he is. If they only knew how much of a shit bag father he is to his daughter (not my child) and how he is a pathological liar and a serial cheater would they care? who knows. He’s DJ Dumpster Diver to me always. This mess will be over soon. I pray you can go no contact fully some day and that you don’t have children with this piece of trash.

      • Chumpy: “Hello having an affair while married and then bringing around your side piece for introductions is too far. I will never understand how “friends” sweep this shit under the rug. This speaks OODLES about their character (and your cheater’s character) and honestly how can one be even a good friend if they are capable of such horrendous acts.“👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻 In my case, the 26 years I spent as a loyal DIL and mother of 3 wonderful grandchildren did not stop ex-laws from allowing XH and OW from staying with them while we were still married only months after Dday! Hideous people who claim to have values and value family and marriage…NOT! they even discarded our children… the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

    • I agree. This letter is really funny, witty and efficient. I realize cl has to say to go no contact cause yes, let’s face it, we are not in control of our emotions when cheaters atomic bomb our lives. Still, I think this was an awesome letter!

    • I once sent OW a series of very nasty private messages via FB, all on the same day. This was years ago and I didn’t fully understand the mechanics of the system, so I started typing quips and the foolishly pressing enter. I was literally out of my mind with fury. I did not know what the hell I was mechanically doing, as I had no intention to send those messages!

      The comments were mostly, I think, “you better never get near me of my family” (this woman had been stalking my then 12 year old daughter at her school), but I cannot be sure. Let’s just say I think Tony Soprano had taken over my keyboard and leave it there.

      My kids flipped when I told them, as they wanted nothing to do with her. Turns out, though, they got their wish. Whatever I sent resulted her blocking me and staying far, far away from my daughter. Mission accomplished.

      I would NEVER, EVER recommend sending any correspondence to OW. It will come back to bite you in the ass. My kids and I still laugh about it now. We weren’t laughing at the time, though, because I probably would have gotten in professional trouble if those messages had surfaced.

      Living well is the best revenge and that is what I am now doing!

      • Eh, don’t beat yourself up over this…we are all human beings with feelings and sometimes we get angry and do things we regret.

        The first post-discovery holiday that my now ex family came to without my ex, my brother-in-law accidentally left his Facebook page open on my home computer. We were all Facebook friends with her as she was the ex’s law partner and family friend. I had deleted her as my Facebook friend.

        Seeing the page open, I stupidly commented on her profile photo (taken at my son’s Bar Mitzvah). I said she looked like a whore and hit post. It posted under my ex-brother-in-law’s name.

        She must have instantly called everyone and was quite incensed. Yes, I got shit for it and it was stupid but it didn’t really matter. She acted like a whore so who cares what she though?

        Move forward from a mistake; chalk it up to being human and focus on the divorce. Don’t know about Scotland, but in the US, you are entitled to 50% of any monies he spent on her. Spend your time collecting all the paperwork and going over all assets and credit card statements.

        One of my favorite comments: this should be the worst thing you ever do!

      • Shortly after D-Day, ex Douche said, “OW knows you have been looking at her social media page, Intothelight. And she saw you looking around outside her condo building on D-Day, copying down information from a sign about a condo for sale in that building, and she took pictures from her apartment window of you skulking around. We also know you have contacted her ex-husbands and talked to them. We have your manager’s phone number, and the phone number for the vice president of your department, and we will call them to tell them you have been stalking her, if you don’t stop.” The conversation was a sudden encounter, in-person, so I do not have a record of the threats. Even though the threat was kind of ridiculous, it was enough for me to go NC with no cracks in the armor. They also caused the ex-husbands to simultaneously cut off all contact with me, my daughter thinks by means of some threats having to do with things that might happen to their kids. These are remorseless people who know how to strike where you are most vulnerable, and with NC you cut off their supply of ammunition. So in the future – NC! And come here for support. I do think when you un-friend Switzer friends, it is much more powerful to do so silently rather than volunteering any kind of explanation.

    • I agree. This letter is really pretty tame. I was expecting something really vomitous when you said some recipients immediately responded saying it was “a step too far”. Not even close. I’ve seen more vitriol in a message to the coach about a kid not making a grade school volleyball team. It’s truth, it’s vulnerable and it’s human. Really, if someone can read that and not feel empathy – even if they’ve been convinced in advance by STBX that you’re “at fault” – then they’re really pretty vile. They likely have an agenda, like cheating of their own which they are busy rationalizing.

      • This!
        If I would gave contacted the OW, it would have been with my fist, so I didn’t. I admire the restraint of that letter. Anybody who says that’s “going too far” is just looking for an excuse to get rid of her and is not, and never was, a real friend.

        • I’ve found kickboxing to be very therapeutic. I just imagine OW’s face on the bag and punch away!

      • The problem is, if a chump reacts (s)he no longer behaves as a chump and we can’t have that, can we. So, to sum up, when you find out about the affair you have to immediately question yourself and admit publicly how you caused the affair, apologise and do everything to please the cheater and his AP. If there’s a divorce then you have to immediately become besties with both of them, demand nothing and be always cheerful, nice and helpful. Under no circumstances you should call the spouse/AP out, express any kind of dissatisfaction or God forbid, anger, get drunk, write a few stupid emails, call anybody involved with less than complimentary names, annoy them with weepy feelings, demand explanations or try to impose dreaded c word. No, not cancer, consequences. But since we’re talking about cancer, if you’re sick, do have decency and drop dead. You’re a chump, not a human being, so behave like a chump and be always at your perfect.

    • I agree, this really isn’t so bad… it doesn’t come off crazy, or harassing. It’s not really that insulting, you’re not swearing or making threats. It reads like a rational, well-thought out and well-written reaction to a heinous thing that was done to you. Other than giving them a kibble high, what’s the harm? And even giving them a kibble high isn’t particularly harmful, other than to your own feelings of regret about sending it. Eh, don’t be hard on yourself, it’s normal. I told off my ex once pretty early on, a couple of months after he’d left in fact, and boy did he get high off it. He LOVED that I was in so much and that he was cause. So yeah I regretted it, but this was years ago now and oh well so what?

      And these morons who said YOU went too far? Good fucking grief. Hell with those people. There’s a lot of lovely people in the world who will be your real actual friend. Fill your life with those people and cut out the people who aren’t squarely in your corner!

    • Sarah,

      If you were going to take the low road it looks to me like you took it in a classy vehicle. You told no lies. You used no vulgarity. You spoke only truth. We all have to learn the same lesson–nothing you say will make one hill of beans of difference and can only be used against you in the court of popular opinion.

      Our of the myriad of things chumps do in the throes of the pain of betrayal, I say you are handling yourself just fine. Here’s to going forth and going no contact!

    • Yup. Always best not to engage, but not the end of the world if you do. I have my own little things I did, similar to this letter, that I regret. But it’s really not that big a deal. Sending a snarky letter doesn’t come close to having an affair with someone’s husband. There’s no reason to feel embarrassed because her opinion is worthless.

  • Sarah, I sent a similar text from my stbx’s phone to one of his shmoopies. We were supposedly reconciling from a series of massive ddays and I found out his texts to that one. It made me feel good just in that moment but that’s it. When we send such texts we pretty much project our own values onto others and think that they will feel bad for what they’ve done. Nah.

  • Don’t worry about it any further. Don’t write again, of course. Yes, it would have been better if you hadn’t sent it but the flip-side is who the hell advertises they were banging a married man behind his spouse’s back?

    You are well rid of him, his friends, anyone who condones his behavior. He’s King of the Barstools and they like him drunk, stupid and paying their tab.

    Whatever. You are on the road to escape and Mehdom. Lock down your social profiles too.

  • Gee. That letter is so tame. I can’t believe it merited a block and delete from the folks in the south. But it helps you cull them from your circle. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. Hugs ps. I hope his dick falls off

    • I’m of similar mind, Trudy. While I agree with CL completely about the big picture on this and the little picture that says “just don’t send it”, I really can’t see how this letter merited the condemning and unfriending response from “friends”. But that’s kind of the problem, isn’t it? Until you go through this experience you don’t know how some “friends” pretending to be Switzerland are really just ignoring the public and private pain you endure, and waiting for any reason at all to disappear you with disapproval. And that’s the real point, I guess. Anything can and will be used against you in the court of public and community opinion, but he (and Schmoopie(s)) will be defended and protected. But, on to new and better friends, I say! And the former ones get the people with whom they feel they have more in common.

      • I read that these were ‘long term friends of his down South’ i.e. far away, they may have no idea of what’s really going on, Sarah’s ex may have lied through his teeth about Sarah, or they may be the ex’s flying monkeys. Either way, Sarah, that was an admirably crafted, funny, true letter! Cheaters, Schmoopies and flying monkeys can’t handle the truth. Don’t be afraid of losing mutual friends – like the ex, we only lose those who didn’t really know and love us in the first place. You are mighty and will remain so! Keep your dignity, silence from now on and all the very best x

  • I have mixed feelings, as I too confronted the OM–in person, not via writing (though I have in my mind composed veritable withering novels to him). I told him matter-of-factly that he was “of use” to my XW, and no more. I informed him that she will not marry him despite his angry declaration to me that he would “make her his wife.”

    In hindsight it gave him a sense of centrality, I suppose, but at the same time I take satisfaction five years later that my assurances have come true: she did indeed call off their engagement, and by now he knows that he is and always has been merely “of use” to her. They are miserable together.

    Surely he must recall this encounter with the “bitter ex” (me) and grimace inwardly. So, cool 😉

    • I love when people self edit out of your life. Her publishing that letter announces to the world her lack of character, and his. Normal people would be mortified.
      People with real character stick by you during the storms, the others can see themselves out. You’ve got this.

  • Well… If you had to accidentally on purpose send a letter this one is as good as it gets.
    When in time all that you wrote proves to be true, you will be that voice in her head. Until then you will be an ever present mind fck for her and added source of insecurity for her.
    Congrats for getting ruid of the faux friends sooner rather than later.
    Don’t beat yourself up too much. We all make uncharacteristic decisions when driven by the pain of betrayal. I’m sure we all have that out of character moment.
    Have a great life. You sound genuine and self aware. Keep sailing.

  • We’ve all been there sweetie. Treat it like an OSHA accident and reset your days to zero. Don’t beat yourself up because your emotions got sloppy after your heart was stomped on by a person who purported to love and cherish you. It happens.

    I always try to remember CL’s wisdom. We can’t control anything but our reaction to their fuckwittery and in that case the best reaction is no reaction at all; hard as that is at times. The longer you go however, the easier it gets. You trust that they suck and you do your level best to keep their sucktitude away from you. Before you know it, news of whatever he/she is up to, if it ever gets back to you, doesn’t matter one wit. Ask me how I know.

    You’ll get there. In the mean time if you have any more urges to write the OW, write the letter to CN. We have your back!

    • “Treat it like an OSHA accident and reset your days to zero.” Hahahahaha love this!!

      FUCKWIT FREE DAYS: 0 and counting

      • Omg! A new challenge: # of fuckwit free days! If I count mine from the last time I did the pick-me dance it was 999 days ago!

        • I couldn’t resist calculating my own Fuckwit Free Days and it’s approximately 1,974!!! Yipee! Now we need to come up with something chumpy for OSHA. How about Oh Shit Happened Again? 😀

        • Its all kibbles and drama. Look what they are being subjected to when their only crime was to fall in love.
          You need to go all silent on them and dignified. He is hers if he decides to be…like he was yours…the man is fickle and a liar.
          Maybe they will thrive…or appear to.
          Whether it is agony or ecstasy for them….or just gets boring as it tends to do when the drama runs out and the secrecy ends.
          Dont feed the drama. Leave them to it.

  • Exactly Sarah, maybe sending the letter wasn’t the best idea but real friends get that you are the victim here. He is the fuckwit who committed adultery. That is off the charts worse than a couple of angry words. If they miss that, tell em later dayz and run!

    A real friend is there to listen, not judge and then give you a hug and take you to lunch.

    You will survive and gain a life!

  • I think many of us have done things that we are not proud of. It’s all part of the giant shit show that we must endure to get to the other side.

    Go back and read up on no contact. Get off FB and all other social media APPs until you get some clarity. Stop caring what your turd does!!!

    I wrote some humdingers as well. But thanks to CL and CN I had the strength to burn them and let go ( God I only wish I could have sent them !).

    You are amazing – separation at 8 weeks!!!! Keep looking forward and just forget about the letter.

  • I never knew you had to do something twice in Scotland for it to be considered harassment.

    I might do this once now – ha ha ha ( I am also in Scotland ) but i won’t the whore is not worth my time .
    They openly bought a house together last year ( November 2018) he did not leave me until March 2019.
    She is openly living with my husband ( I have since filed for divorce )
    Neither of them have any shame & nor does your STBX and his floozy .

    Don’t waste your time emailing / facebook/text anything . No Contact at all with either of them

    Scotland is not a big place if you want to rant etc i will happily give you my email address
    ( I am on the reddit forum where you can PM me ) Just don’t give them the satisfaction of thinking they have got to you

  • My main concern would be the optics of its presence on the internet in light of the fact that it contains a statement of intent about spousal support.

    Between sending it to her and sending it for posting here, it’s all out there now, so it’s too late to pull it back completely. And, of course, the court should decide about support structure independent of any emotional arguments anyway, so it shouldn’t matter in theory.

    And you’re a very skilled writer to be sure! There’s a pathway of some kind there, methinks…

    But the bottom line is, starting now, consider putting stonger boundaries around what you share in writing during the divorce process, says me in alignment with CL.

  • I made the mistake of contacting Skankella via Facebook private message. I asked her what was going on with her and my husband. I told her it was not appropriate to me seeing my husband behind my back. And it was not appropriate to be talking about me behind my back. Her response was nothing is going on. Then she said prove it. With in seconds she was forwarding all my messages to my Husband FB inbox(I figured out his password). Her message to him read. Why is she on FB now? Did you ask her why she is on FB. You know how nosey she can be. I responded back as him and told her that she is not nosey just wanted to open a FB account. She became angry and told him to never contact her again. That she does not want to get involved in his marriage BS. I knew then due to her response that there was much more going on then just a secret friendship. I am not proud of myself for signing into to his FB account. I would never do that again. We all make mistakes when we first find out that we are being chumped. Contacting the OW is never a good idea. They will use that against you. They will play the victim. The OW does not care one bit about you. Or they would never have cheated with your husband.

    • So true! DO NOT contact the skank. I did send some messages to the Hamburger Whore. Everything I wrote was factual, and only in response to the absolutely vile things she said to me. Then I blocked her everywhere. She never got the last word in, and it made her very, very vengeful. Especially since cheater dumped her and never looked back.
      TWO YEARS later, she still tries to contact me, either directly or through her flying monkeys.
      Actually had to make a police report for one of the crazies she goaded into threatening me, a full year and a half after my last contact with her.
      A little visit from the police took care of that loser, but she still tries calling, driving by my new home, Facebook and Instagram friend requests from complete strangers who I can see she’s “friends” with (she doesn’t have real friends, just people that she thinks she can extract value from), etc. Little hint people: hide your friends list so no one but you can see it.
      Don’t feed the animals, folks. Lock down social media and forge your new life.

    • Cuz Chump, so true: “Contacting the OW is never a good idea. They will use that against you. They will play the victim. The OW does not care one bit about you. Or they would never have cheated with your husband.”

      I too contacted the OW who admitted fucking my husband (I told her that in truth he came right back home and slept with me that night, telling me how hot I still was after 25 years together 🤢🤯🤬). She seemed surprised we were together. She promised that she would never contact him again. All lies.i was focused on her, thinking she was the snake in the garden of eden. Her 32 year old body was bewitching my 50 yo sad forest creature husband who maybe had a brain tumor/depression/burnout/childhood of origin issues/low self esteem/active addiction….. OMG I was so naive!

      It was more XH than anyone else. He was fucking another woman at the same time! She was my age and much less conventionally beautiful than me, so I was totally wrong about everything!

      Thank god I found CL, went NC, filed, divorced, focused on me and my kids and building my life. Those trauma bonds slowly have broken and I have been enlightened.

  • Sarah, I have nothing but admiration for you for leaving that liar! Now leave him in the dust of your awesomeness. Once you have a lawyer there is no reason to communicate with that cheating liar and his skanky ho ever again. He has nothing to say worth hearing.

    Sarah, you will find out who really loves you now. You will make new friends and maybe even new family. Those people defending your lying whore of a STBX and his skanky whore are not worthy of your consideration. They are not your tribe.

    Forgive yourself and move on. You are young and smart. You will be ok. You are going to make it through this devastation and find the road to the Land of Meh. You have Chump Nation right with you.

    I’ve learned so much from this site. Read the archives. Read “Leave a cheater, Gain a Life”. Get you a therapist. I went through three therapists to find one who stated “Adultery is emotional abuse.” My kick ass fresh out of college therapist has helped me so much. Keep a journal. Document his abuses. Come here to vent. You got this!

  • While going no contact and never seeing the cheating bastard and his whore again is something I definitely advocate, I actually got a kick out of your letter to OW. You should not feel devastated by sending the letter, it was pretty goddamn civil in my book. What really makes my blood boil is the so-called mutual friends taking issue with the letter, admonishing and blocking you. Who the hell do they think they are? Acting so effin high and mighty. Talk about morale posturing! Going too far is spray painting his/her vehicles with profanities, lining up a hitman, stalking and bashing their brains in with a bat…..those sort of actions is what I consider going too far. Good riddance to those scumbag so called mutual friends and I really hope the karma bus hits their smug ass faces but good.

  • Seriously, my first reaction when reading this is, “Huh, that isn’t so bad.”

    I think if I had been in similar circumstances I would have included the litany of detailed, personal things she now has to look forward to from the asshat, such as the joy of cleaning his shit stained underwear and his freight train snoring and rotten breath, and the constant removal of drifts of his back hair from the toilet tank and seat. “Enjoy carefully washing that pasty-white asshat’s dashikis, bitch. You gotta make sure those colors don’t run or the manboy will get reeaallly testy.” In other words, you held it together pretty well.

    You can also rest knowing that your non-friends outed themselves and you can be rid of them. Real friends have empathy and compassion and even would offer a few “Scorch! Good one! Now… don’t hit send again, call me instead and we will rag on him together! Hugs! I will always have your back while she has now to shave his!!” or some such.

    And finally, what is done is done and in fact you probably gave the whore a nice little mental check off list that will be tickling the back of her mind. As he demonstrates that he really truly sucks she will be matching up the items. I hope that you did steal some of her peace. Now go forward and ‘sin’ no more.

    Give yourself a break here, you are human and a chump. Come sit by us, we have your back.

    • The letter I sent to ex narcopaths new victim was bullet point after bullet point examples of his fuckupedness. I listed all of the sad stories he would tell her about his exes, his drinking and driving, his financial abuse, that he would future fake certain trips and even how he would convince her to have sex with no condoms and she had better get tested. (I was getting std tested at the time and waiting for the results was excruciating thus this rage letter).

      Maybe I went a little but too far with the sex stuff, but. Nah.

      I also sent the letter approx. 8 weeks after last dday. I had reached out to his ex wife and she shared her experience, and low and behold, it was exactly the same as mine, word-for-word. So I felt justified as his con is quite good, and then I convinced myself it was in the new victims best interest to know, because he had practically moved in with her and her two daughters. I was worried for her kids.

      I emailed it to her. Then I couriered a hard copy to her.

      His kids told the exwife that the new victim made ex narcopath quit drinking because of my letter. But. New victim stuck by her man. And then they took all the kids and went on the future faked trip, but for real. That sucked. And then I realized I needed to move on with my healing and stop.

      Months later, new victim dumped him. And he stalked me via social media. Stupidly, I allowed contact for a final “closure ” phone call. He was drunk. It was a 2 hour call.

      The call started with him mocking the letter and how he and the new victim laughed and laughed over it. Then his story changed to how the letter was all they ever talked about and how she policed his behaviour (because she saw how what I wrote, matched his real life actions), then his story changed to “bros before hoes” when the new victims husband! Whom she was separated from was contacting ex narcopath directly to tell him to convince new victim to let him see their kids. (New victims husband was a cop and cheated on her with a coworker
      and she wouldnt let him see their girls till they went to court).

      Then, it ended on “I knew how much you still loved me based on the amount of time and effort you out into this letter.” Barf!

      Ex narcopaths true colours really came out in that conversation and it actually helped me really see him for what he was. It was the turning point in my healing. He had not treated the new victim any better than me. He was even worse!

      And he got a 2nd new victim like 2 days after the phone call I had with him. And I fretted about warning her (he targets single mothers with children), but I chose to put it in Gods hands.

      Did I regret the letter? Maybe a little. But I was insane with grief and therefore forgive myself.

      Did I lose people I loved by writing that letter? Ex narcopath waved that letter all over town and everyone knew about it I lost any remaining support from his family, esp his parents whom I loved dearly. But they just eagerly accept all his new victims, the same as they did with his ex wife and myself, and so the parents are con artists too. And now I am glad I am not being manipulated by them to put up with ex narcopath.
      The letter cleaned out people who were detrimental to my well being.

  • A step too far??!! Wow. I also think your letter was quite mild . . . and accurate. No profanity. No hurling insults. Really . . . you were quite restrained. I get Chump Lady’s message that NC/silence is the best course of action, but after 8 weeks? Hell! Do NOT beat yourself up. Any “mutual” friend who blocks you due to this letter is anything but a friend. Try to be thankful that they showed their true colors so early on in the game. And YES . . . you are still VERY early on in the game. I’m 5+ years out (after a 37-year relationship), and I still am dealing with Switzerland friends and now the EX and OW wanting to be so very chummy and all family-like at my daughter’s upcoming wedding. (Ummm . . . NO.) In short . . . do not let anyone make you feel bad about having sent this letter.

  • If you are going to end up in the branch of Family Law Court – for any reason-

    Stop with emails, texts and all social media accounts.

    Anything you put in writing will absolutely be used against you.

    • Pay attention to this. You are involved in an adversarial legal case. Do not put anything in writing that you wouldn’t want a judge to read. And remember that judges don’t care about cheating. Once you get to divorce court, it’s about how to split up money and property and how to divide custody and support. Those decisions are often just numbers fed into a formula

  • Sarah,

    Anyone who makes it through the meat grinder of infidelity and divorce without making a single misstep should be automatically qualified for sainthood.

    Your letter was not over the top. In fact, it was quite restrained. You cast no aspersions on her character, you made no overt threats, and you didn’t curse or use foul language. Dealing with a person who has participated in assaulting you (which is what she and your ex have done both physically and emotionally) without resorting to at least a bit of foul language or name calling is quite remarkable. So keep your head high. If you must see this as a lapse it is at least a very classy one.

    Like everyone else I’m going to tell you No Contact is best. It is the one thing that drives attention whores crazy. It is their kryptonite. To stay no contact with them both may not feel like fighting back but it is. It’s a throat punch, kick in the balls, stop them in their tracks move. Lack of attention is actually the only thing that does cause cheaters pain.

    And bonus, it helps you heal. Do your venting to a trusted friend / therapist / here. The people who understand and care are the only ones that should have access to your feelings. It’s gonna suck to find that some people you thought cared don’t but flip them right over into the dumpster with the ex and schmoopy, they have no place in your life either. Only people who care about your well being belong in your life.

    You are mighty. And you got this.

  • There are worse things you could have done and the letter wasn’t too terrible. I’ve seen much worse.

    You have been given a gift. There is no future with an addict. You have a chance many don’t get. A chance at a clean slate. Join Al-Anon and deal with the issues that being with an addict raises, take a look at your behavior that leads you to “drunk text”, find healthy coping mechanisms and take back control of your life. My ex is living the same shitty life he had when we were together. I took time to own my own shit and get my life on track. It was hard and I have no friends left from that time but I am living a life I never dreamed possible. You can too.

    Walk away from the drama, focus on cleaning up your side of the street and stay there no matter what. You’ve got this. You already know what her future holds. Focus on yours.

    • So true about no future with an addict. I just read recently the recidivism is 94% for alcoholics and drug addicts. Not good odds to say the least.

    • I said much the same thing less eloquently below. There is no future with an alcoholic or addict who is still using and not actively working recovery.

  • First, I love the letter. It’s scathingly witty. No give backs for Schmoopie! After all, winning a cheater isn’t really a win, when you think about it.

    That said, sure, it’s wasted on Schmoopie and if it were sent in the US, it’d probably show up in court, but every country (and state) is different. You also lost a couple of Facebook friends/long time friends that were really in your STBX’s circle anyway.

    You can’t help the smear campaign. You can only rise above it. Sure, some people will believe Fuckwit’s spin on the events, but given that your Fuckwit has a history of substance abuse and likely has a history of lies (though you may have worked to mitigate the impact of the fallout), eventually more and more people will learn what he’s like and start to question his words.

    The good news is that you learned earlier rather than later that you had a couple of Switzerland friends. They’re not worth keeping.

    The important thing is to look forward. You filed. You’re separated. You are on the first steps toward a cheater-free life. Well done!

  • Sarah,

    I know how hard it can be to deny the impulse to hit send. Even if the anger is boiling over to a breaking point. Heck, I had my own slips in those early days. I get it, you have a lot on your chest and just need to relieve the pressure a bit. One thing that helped me in those early days was a notepad of paper where I wrote letters to him, letters to her and letters to anyone else that had contributed to Fuckwit’s deceit. It helped me get things off my chest. And sending them would be a lot harder than the click of a button. I still have the notepad for whenever it hits me in those waves, since I am only 7 months out. But I can also tell you that those waves are getting fewer and further between.

  • I still kinda love this letter. Unsent is best, however, love the truth in it. I bet writing it was cathartic. Totally want to write one to my ex’s AP, just for therapeutic reasons. And because it’s so damn funny!!

  • OMG, so perfect!!!! While many of us wished we stayed perfectly silent ( i made one phone call to Ms. TinderTrash, so i get the regret) what you said was perfect. You had your moment and should have ZERO regrets. Now, move forward with NO CONTACT. Don’t feed into the any false narratives he may be feeding friends. The sad fact is you are going to lose friends. I lost a very dear one and it sucked, but you will get over it and you will find many friends who will stand by you. In your new life you will find you don’t need (or like) those people as much you thought. Live the hell out of your new life. You were wronged undoubtly, what you do from here is for you and by you. Keep coming here for strenght, Good luck

  • I love the letter. I would have sent that letter and I would be proud if I did it. I could care less who read it it’s all true. And I am going through the same friend Harvest. It hurts. But you need to look for better friends and find them in better places. The worst part about my situation is the friends were all mine he had none. So he infiltrated my friends and now it seems those old friends think we both have leprosy. I can understand their discomfort, but I’m telling you there’s a lot to learn about who you invest yourself with in life. Learn it. God bless you. Have a good life. Nothing worse than betrayal so it’s got to be upward from here.

  • As angry letters to OW/OM goes, this is probably one of the less-legally problematic. We men often try to handle things with what my own MC called “breaking the law,” which is far worse. (Thankfully, I resisted that awful temptation).

    And it probably turned out about as well as it could, so thank your lucky stars for that. I wouldn’t lose any sleep over that letter. Just don’t send any more!
    And yeah, if some of these “friends” honestly ditched you over THAT letter, they are lousy people you don’t need anyway.

    • Oh, and for what it’s worth, I didn’t send one to the OM (the one I knew about, at least), but I did send a letter to his wife. Did me no good. He told her I was crazy and delusional, and she bought all of it :(. Apparently, she still bought his lies when he got a legal summons for our divorce proceedings.
      I feel so sorry for her.

  • Your letter is hilarious and I don’t think it will affect you like you imagine.

    That said, you do need to reframe how you view friends. His friends that he’s known from long ago aren’t your friends, were never your friends. You might have become friendly with them during your marriage, but in their mind you were just the SO of their friend and now that this situation is changing, they’ll stay loyal to their friend, right or wrong. They might make their own judgments against him and fade out of that friendship as well, but….you shouldn’t expect those people to come into your corner. They were never there in the first place.

    When you break up or get divorced, friends do divide themselves up as well. Typically, his friends will stay his, yours will stay yours. Any new friends you made as a couple will either drift away or choose to stay friends with one or the other. This isn’t a validation of either one of you, just their own personal preference.

    What you don’t want and do need to aggressively weed out are those who straddle the fence. Those who try to stay “friends” with both. I put that in quotes because they are nobody’s friend. They are the gossipers and shit stirrers. More frenemy than friend. Those won’t go away by themselves. You’ll need to get rid of them.

    Just remember that when couples split, friends do too. It’s not a commentary or validation/invalidation of either person. It’s just life. So don’t take that stuff personally or blame or beat yourself up over it.

    • Foolishchump, you are anything but foolish. This is a perfect description of what many people learn about “friends” during divorce. It will ratchet the anxiety level down to know that the people still hanging out with the STBX were STBX’s friends to begin with! You were the SO and now it’s Schmoopie. Next week it will be Schmoops2, and so on.

      Learn the difference between friends (who love you and have your back) and people who accept you in the circle because of your spouse, partner, boss, kids. This goes also for the parents of your kids’ friends.

  • I learned about my long term (15 years) boyfriends affair from a private message I received on Facebook from Schmoopie. It had been sitting there for a month before I saw it (I don’t live my life on social media).

    I dated Fuckwit for the last 5 years up until Jan of this year.

    That was it. After Fuckwit went through all the denials (she’s crazy, just some skank groupie back from by band days, etc., etc.) I told him I spoke to her (I didn’t) so he may as well fess up. He knew the jig was up and confessed. I ended in right then and there.

    A week later, still in a shell shocked state I responded to her message with:

    Dating? You weren’t dating. You were f**cking. There is a difference. I don’t recall seeing you at any of the family parties or special occasions over the last 5 years – and as he said to me “she’s a skank groupie that means nothing to me” so I guess I really wouldn’t call that dating. Not sure what lies he told you about me or our relationship – but you are welcome to him. I have gone to get a full STD panel so I’ll be sure to let you know what diseases and infections you may be carrying.

    I shouldn’t have fed the pig. She then told me several of the lies he told her about our relationship and me. I stopped responding. I have to admit it did feel good at the time.

  • Sarah-
    Don’t you sweat this one bit.

    8 weeks- I would confidently state you are still clinically insane. You showed remarkable restraint.

    ***This is small taters.***

    I was almost ARRESTED. I was seriously looking for “people” to rearrange the Maggot’s face. And I don’t mean with fists. I am a criminal defense lawyer- it wasn’t hard that to scope out my true crazies.

    But, I was so bananas, I did not try to hide it. I didn’t care. That’s what this shit does to you.

    One letter? It’s nothing. You didn’t even shame her- just him. You didn’t even cuss!

    There will come a beautiful day when she will think back to your letter and wish: If only I had believed her. These people don’t change. I have discovered that they treat their affair partners worse than they treated us. Not at first… but it’s coming as sure as the day eats the night.

    Let it go and fucking LAUGH. Brutalize him with your lawyer. NEVER speak to him again.

    And-
    Delete that FB account. It’s a self inflicted cancer.

    Even if you don’t check his or her page, the desired to post things that will make them jealous is too great. No mere human can resist it.

    And please remember- FB is not real.

    I have clients that have as their career: stay at home mommy! When I know they are meth and crack addicts that suck dick for rock in hotels by the highway.

    You keep on rockin’ in the FREE world, Sarah.

    😘❤️🥳

    • Hahahaha thank you so much for your encouraging words! Stay at home mummy – code for crack whore, oh how delightful! Oh trust me, my parents and a couple of friends are 100% keen to inflict some serious facial damage if the occasion arose…thankfully he’s moved to his city of work so at least I don’t have to bump into him anytime soon. Disgusting excuse for a human!

  • Hi guys! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR INPUT. I’m glad to find out it’s not the worst thing ever haha. Thankfully before sending I did check that it wouldn’t get me into any legal trouble – in the UK Facebook messages can’t be used in court (unless it’s for something giant like terrorism!). And in Scotland specifically, something has to be done twice in a row for the recipient to claim it’s harassment. You’ll be glad to hear I have ZERO intention of breaking no contact so that won’t happen. Day 2 so far.

    I totally get that NC is the best way forward, but unfortunately most of us have a breaking point and it turns out him introducing her to friends that know me, know the story (from my own words) and were at our wedding this time last year was it! I promptly deleted said friends on social media FYI – with a brief polite message telling them why. These friends are a mix of his (and mine via him) and ones we made together. All of ‘my’ friends have of course been more than supportive and aside from also advocating NC, they totally understand why I couldn’t eat any more shit sandwiches and stay silent. On the upside, it’s only been 8 weeks and it’s better for it to come out now than 6 months down the line right…

    In terms of filing/separation, unfortunately it’s not quite as simple in Scotland – for a ‘no contest’ divorce you have to wait 1 year from the date of separation – this was our agreed plan until I found out about OG (other girl, she’s 22, a child). I’ve since had my solicitor (the UK equivalent to a lawyer) draft a separation letter demanding spousal support, monies owed etc, but unfortunately in terms of actual divorce papers being served we still have to wait minimum 1 year, and if he contests anything from now on it could take any amount of time until we agree on something. I’m definitely not looking forward to that shit show – on the upside I’m glad some of his schmoopie time will be taken up with all this legal nonsense, that can’t possibly make for a fun start to any relationship! Suckers.

    • Hi Sarah
      That’s not strictly correct . To get a divorce in Scotland you have to either prove
      1- Adultery
      2- unreasonable behaviour
      3- separation of 1 year if both parties agree
      4- separation of 2 years if 1 party does not agree

      I had proof of adultery so I filed under that . When you come to do the minutes of agreement the divorce will be in the contact .
      You have to prove physical sex for adultery ( I had a video from his phone and photos oh so many photos )
      Unreasonable behaviour you need 2 witnesses . If he’s flaunting miss new boobs about then that’s 2 witnesses !! Use them ! You have to serve AP as well you need her name which you’ve obviously got .
      I understand waiting for the year it’s so much cheaper but I did not want to be married to him a second longer so in the minutes of agreement I put I’m filing for adultery . He came back no contest but will not pay for divorce as he was willing to wait the year .
      I’m NOT willing to wait a year so I’m paying I filed I will be divorced 28 weeks after D Day .
      If you want a divorce use the law to your benefit and get it in the minutes of agreement .
      I’m sending you love my fellow Scot xx

      • Sorry to expand a little bit on the above if you want to go down unreasonable behaviour your 2 witnesses can be anyone you’ve told about the affair .
        This can be friends/ relatives/ co workers
        Your lawyer will talk with them they have to sign a statement that can be used in court . This way the AP does not have to be served . Get everything in the minutes of agreement every stick of furniture everything

        I had this as back up in case he argued but if you want out of the marriage you can . Ok it costs but it’s worth every penny to get out while he’s on his Ho High !!

  • Count me in for the fist bump. I LOVE the letter to schmoopie. I hope she enjoys being publicly exposed for who she is. And as for the friends who cut you out, good! They are not real friends. It is so convenient when toxic people remove themselves from your life so you don’t have to do the dirty work.

    I agree that maybe it’s not worth doing this again in the future or anything, but it served a great purpose in the short term of exposing her and cutting the fake friends from your life. You have a bright cheater-free future ahead of you!

  • STBX is a cheater and a liar. He has a substance abuse problem, anxiety and depression over a period of years. I’d say you’ve been in a prison and this stupid OW gave you the key. He’s no prize.

    • Very much to the point LovedaJackass! Unfortunately I met him at his sparkle prime I believe – so the drugs and alcohol were all ‘under control’ a part of a recreational habit only. When shit got real and made it clear it was time to reign it in, anxiety/depression set in (which he’s since blamed on me/us of course) he bailed. Grown up life is TOO HARD can’t you see that?!

    • LAJ is onto it here! My ex is the same, long term substance issues, lies upon lies, manipulative and cruel. The dumb schmoopies have no idea how this type of circus will ruin them, and the only reason it didn’t crash & burn for the exes is because us chumps held it together against the tides.

      I’m betting for Sarah, if the playbook of this type is similar, that these so called friends are either a) addicts as well or b) lovers of the chaotic drama surrounding ex or c) wannabe hero’s set out to rescue his sorry add or d) users of his “spare” cash made available because you were adulting for him or e) other naive idiots like schmoopy who wanna taste of the sparkly special your ex “appears” to be.

      None of the above are any loss. In fact, oncethe immediate shock, pain and trauma start to heal, youll be ever so glad this clusterfuck is no longer your problem.

      Do remember to be kind to yourself in these early stages. Cut them off if they don’t support you. Maintain extreme self care. NC is your path to peace. Be the sane person & those who stick by you will be your real friends.

      Also, do avoid self medicating with other people. We chumps take it to heart when these people turn out not to be friends, or care, or validate our experience with understanding. Fixing our pickers is not just about choosing a life partner who is genuine, it relates to all of our relationships.

      Oh and BTW, you’re mighty! This letter is amazing and that you’re well on the way to divorce is a testament to your strength. Well done you!

  • I contacted Schmoopie after getting the HPV diagnosis. I have no idea if she got it as well, but given the STBX’s behavior with hookers and hookups in addition to her, she was certainly exposed. It was truly an uncomfortable email for me to write and send, and I thought long and hard about it. There was a mean part of me that didn’t want to say anything and let her find out maybe after cancer had taken hold.

    But…I’m a chump. A nice person, a responsible person. I told her as clinically as possible. She wrote me back a thank you. Barf.

    However, I admit to having written, but never sent, a TOME of angry words directed both at her and Mr. Limpdick. It felt good to write, to get it out of me, even if it was never sent.

  • I think your letter is awesome! They were already Switzerland friends they welcomed her to a gathering. Cut your loses and be glad they are gone. I filed days after d day, made some mistakes. Our whole world was blown apart like a cat 5 hurricane in a matter of minutes. I think you’ll find that letter funny once the divorce is final. My ex and I owned a truck in my name, he was told to pay the payment and get it out of my name within 90 days. Missed payment, so my lawyer said she was filing contempt, he made arrangement with attorneys to give it back to me. He loaded the truck with trash and litter boxes from his AP cat. When I arrived to get it I looked at him calmly in the park n lot; he has his smug “haha” look. I looked up calmly and said “go back to your whore” just like the line from gone with the wind ” Frankly my dear I don’t give a damn”. The guys I work with unloaded the truck into a dumpster for me. My family helped me clean it up and I sold it for $8500.00.

  • A friend of mine had a good saying about saying things that you should not in that “it feels really good to take a baseball bat to a wasp nest for a few seconds then you find the consequences very painful”.

    Ditto for communicating with schmoopie. It feels good at first but when that conversation/letter is brought up in court, not so much.

    Oh and I did it too. After Dday, my Ex chose OM#3 and both of them are extreme Jesus cheaters. God and Jesus brought them together you see and I was going to burn in Hell. So after being told this multiple times by my Ex during a kid pickup,
    I said “You both should get on your knees and thank Jesus every day.”
    She said “why” ?
    I replied “because if I didn’t believe in Jesus too, you both would be six feet under right now”.
    She yelled “Is that a threat” ?
    I said “No, but it is the truth”.

    Of course the story went around immediately that I was threatening their lives and she tried to get a restraining order but my response was that I never said that and she found out that even with a restraining order, it would not affect my visitation so she dropped it.

    I was lucky but CL is right, it is best not to ever say anything to the Ex or Schmoopie.

    • Totally agreed – thankfully in the UK FB messages can’t be brought up in court as proof of anything, phew! It’s full steam ahead with NC as of yesterday. The friends gathering was the one shit sandwich too much, yikes

  • I don’t see anything wrong with this at all! I don’t think it was spiteful or ugly in the least. I think it was honest and perfectly said. There is absolutely nothing wrong with stating the truth. Well done!

    • Thanks K! I did try and sound as least crazy and incoherent as poss haha. Obviously not as dignified as NC but they should just be glad I’m not publicly shaming them with billboards at this point.

  • I read this first thing on my phone without glasses and thought it said homeopathicdudes.com and found that a weirdly specific random subset of cheater.to use as an example! Other than that, I agree with everyone else that what’s done is done and in he grand scheme of things it’s not too bad a letter, the part your STBX probably told everyone was about the money ie she’s threatening to take me to the cleaners. But basically you’re handing over the keys to the second hand station wagon and warning the new driver that although the upholstery looks mint for its age, the motors gonna pack up shortly because it’s not running on the premium it used to. You’re mighty for filing so focus on the road ahead to a cool new life. He may be back with a sad sausage routine in time but hey he’s got his mates’ shoulders to cry on when you continue to not be interested anymore. He’ll probably also use this to blame you when schmoopir dumps him, oh the exes crazy letter scared her off after we had separated and we were only in the first stages of getting to know each other it was just too much. Most reasonable people would see this as a justifiable response to grief and betrayal nor a bridge too far so there’s been some spin for sure.

    • Haha homeopathicdudes.com sounds epic. I very much appreciate your motor analogy – he’s definitely past the service/MOT date that’s for sure. Kind compassionate human that I am (Mother Theresa complex anyone?!) I was only too happy to shrink my needs away for his highness’ wellbeing. Go figure.

  • Bahahahaha. A letter that most of us wish we could or have sent.

    Everything CL said is true. Not worth sending. But it feels so good when we write it and send. But just for a moment. Then dread.

    I can’t talk for all at CN, but I have had my moments. I wished at the time I could take them back but I can’t.

    As far as friends, I lost my best friend (since high school, a 34 year relationship). Now her and her husband are friends and do things with dickhead and whorebag. It took me a long time to realize that ex bf is just like dickhead, a narcissist. She cheated too (husband still doesn’t know, but I do). I was rather vocal about cheating and every time she was listening thinking about what she did. I was the black mirror to her. So, the best thing for her was jump ship and be friends with her like-kind. Good fucking bye.

    She just had the nerve to text me asking for my daughter’s (her Goddaughter’s) college address. I didn’t respond. The best thing I could have done. I wanted to say, ask your friend (dickhead) because we are no longer friends, lose my number. Since she is a narcissist too of course she wanted an answer and who is the most likely responsible person to give her that address. Me not dickhead.

    • Christ that’s some seriously disturbed BF you got yourself there. Do these fucktards not compute the concept of loyalty? Clearly not. I’d de-godmother her, what a sad excuse for a human. Waste of our precious earthly resources! Yep I wish I could’ve been a little bit mightier but hey ho (no pun intended) at least the grammar in it is quite good right, haha

  • Sarah,

    You committed a social faux pas, and other jerks are accusing YOU of assault. Yes, you made a mistake. I made some too because as I know in retrospect I was absolutely destroyed, frayed and an anxious mess. Yes, I met with the other man/AP and tried to reason with him after sending him a pissed off long email. I am sure it made my ex-wife continue to be thrilled about being the in the drama of balancing two men.

    Your friends who unfriended you are not worth it. You did some painful pre-screening of some lam-o Switzerlands.

  • I love this letter! It’s funny and tells it to her straight. If she can’t accept the truth than her future misery is 100% on her. Yes, you told her off, but you also kinda warned her. That’s more than she deserves. I’ve only done that once, when my ex husband’s new GF showed up at my door and DEMANDED I give him joint custody of our kids. I explained to her why that would never happen (he had been convicted of domestic violence, alcoholic, etc…) I told her about his cheating too. She said I was lying and stormed off. I heard from her a year and a half later when she took out a retraining order on my ex and told me I was right about everything. Ha! I was a little petty and said “I told you so” but congratulated her on getting him out of her life.
    Hang in there. Karma will come around eventually. Horrible people can’t hold their lives together for very long.

  • I wrote a similar letter to my ex’s final other woman, but I didn’t end up sending it. A year later was his family reunion that his siblings wanted me to attend (ex had already announced he and wifetress were not attending). After I told his siblings my daughter and I would come for the weekend, he sent out a mass family email introducing “his bride” to the family and that they would see them at the family reunion. His mother then called and uninvited me to the reunion and said my ex would bring my daughter. I relayed this to his siblings who were not happy. They made sure ex MIL re-invited me. There was then a lot of drama] with ex posting ugly things about me on Facebook. Wifetress even texted me wondering if there was anything she could do to resolve the situation (my ex and his parents were sure that if I attended the reunion there would be drama). I texted her “why would you think I would be a “problem” at the reunion? I have never been anything but polite”. I topped that text off with this: “I have respected your marriage much more than you respected mine”. That last bit felt GREAT!

  • I’ve come to the conclusion that Narcissists have no scruples.
    They have no qualms parading schmoopie around and introducing them to their friends even though the friends know that she was the mistress before she became the girlfriend.
    Personally-I would be embarrassed to do that-if I fucked up I’d keep the relationship on the down-low.
    He threw her a party to introduce her to our friends-and I have lost respect for my friends who attended that party-they knew the whole story.
    The best is when he brought her to my sons’ football game, interrupted me while I was talking to a friend-so that he could introduce her to me.
    That’s a new level of douche-baggery right there……

  • You need new friends. These people were never your friends.

    (FYI, maybe it’s me, but it seems like a pseudonym may have been overlooked. I don’t know. If so, Chump Lady, feel free to delete my comment).

  • I wish I’d written that rather than the out of my mind rambling I sent to Schmoopie the night he left! I regret posting his cheating on FB too though it was just a statement of fact and I quickly removed it.
    She didn’t respond, thank goodness. My letter was factual detailing when he told her he wasn’t sleeping with me it was a lie. How he was Jekyll and Hyde not Mr Nice Guy. She didn’t like that. Nor did she like me contacting her husband via messenger – again a one off the night he left.
    I also blocked our accounts and transferred all the money into my sole account. He never saw that coming! I did feel so emotionally out of control and yet I had clarity in a practical way.

    Truth is people don’t want to hear it Sarah and the friends will comply for a quiet ‘live and let live’ life. It makes them feel safe. Let’s all just get along. Unless they have been through it they will never understand the pain. But I bet they talk about your ex behind his back.

    Just step away and keep it cleaner than clean for the financial stuff cos that’s when the gloves are off.

  • I sent a selfie (with my chemo bald head) to the AP and said “You can have him! Hope you never need any actual support from him.”

  • I thought the OW deserved the letter. She probably has swallowed a lot of his lies……LET her live with some doubt now about his finances, and his character. As long as you send nothing further I think it was a normal reaction to the shock of being discarded.

    His friends suck too by the way. To accept him parading her around so soon!

    I am glad it was 4 years for you, and not 20 or more with a liar and schemer.

  • I messaged the 2nd mistress. I was so angry because this woman worked in the same company as me and my ex husband although we never spoke. When I went on maternity leave she came to the company for a few months.
    I txt her saying “thanks for sleeping with my husband, you have destroyed my marriage. You know I have a 6 month old baby. You can have him” although I know it was my ex husband who destroyed our marriage maybe in hindsight I would have wrote something with more thought but I literally txt her as soon as he admitted it was her while he was still sitting in front of me. She never responded. I divorced my husband just over 3 weeks ago, what he did was just too extreme for me 2nd time around

  • Dear Sarah,

    I know how you felt; it happened to me, too. One of my Switzerland friends posted a disgusting celebratory picture of my ex with my replacement on my own FB wall, only a couple of months after D-Day. I didn’t even consider ignoring my rage; the lot of them were blocked and deleted within the hour. That was the obviously right thing to do; but I also made the same error you made. I sent a long, raw rant of a text to the one among them I thought might give a damn about my feelings, before blocking that last friend as well. Never did hear from her again, so I guess it evened out.

    Tracy is absolutely right; scrape ’em off. They failed you, and I’d bet folding money they’ll ultimately fail her, too.

  • I mean this with no disrespect but I laughed all the way through that post. I didn’t l laugh at your pain or the situation but because I have been there too. Married for almost 30 years and divorced for 10 years. Trust me in the fact that someday you will read that post again and chuckle. That knee/jerk reaction when it’s all new and you want people to be aware of the injustice of it all is tempting. I didn’t write a letter but let’s just say I made a phone call and spilled all my knowledge to a person she would feel the most impact from other than family. Did it go well? No, it did not. Did I ever bother to make contact that way again or in any other way? No, I did not. What I learned, albeit way way too late for myself (wasted so many years) was thinking that good people must care. They don’t. And don’t waste time trying to figure out why they don’t. The truth is that everyone else doesn’t want to hear it because they are afraid of hearing details and being forced to think on their marriages and recognize the similarities. They’re afraid it will be happening to them next and they don’t want to face that or even contemplate that it could happen to them. I don’t make light of your situation at all because mine was absolute devastation for my children and myself. Devastation that I honestly didn’t think I would ever recover from. I’m still not recovered but I have gained perspective. If nothing else… the years give you that. Perspective. Now I sit with the pain but get to watch the shitshow his marriage to OW is. If I can offer any advice it would be to read. Read every article/book/posting you can on infidelity, personality disorders, coping, being alone, keeping dignity, protecting yourself (in every aspect), and religious material for help to get through it all.

    • I thought I’d watch the shit show from the sidelines early on Uncurious. They lived in a dump, dragged laundry to the laundromat, sat gambling, lost much of his business, and then moved a town over after being evicted. It took up way too much of my precious energy and instead I focused on myself.

      He wasn’t invited to his granddaughters graduation. He then was a no show for her celebration. Live your life Uncurious.

  • this really isn’t a big deal in the long run, Sarah

    did you engage in a TINY bit of the Pick Me Dance? sure

    but you also stylishly communicated your feelings without a single word that could be considered abusive, threatening or harassing

    & in so doing, you now have the satisfaction of knowing that

    you expressed your honest emotion to a low-quality individual without abuse or aggression

    allowing you cross that off your Emotional Task List

    and also getting the free benefit of People Who Weren’t Actually Your Friends To Begin With

    self-expose and self-delete just like the human garbage that they are

    and you also now have the self-satisfaction of knowing

    that when statistics catch up with this dumb whore (via your dumb whore of a husband)

    she’ll have your gracefully precise words ringing in her ears, probably forever

    good on you for checking the law & confirming you are in the clear

    …obvs nobody loves Formal Chump Doctrine more than me

    but i think as long as you’re confident you’ll never do this again

    (because that WOULD be Kibbles Before Swine)

    you can just go ahead and start feeling GOOD about it NOW

    because you can always trust that they suck

    and there’s nothing wrong with pointing that out

    in the very controlled and non-abusive fashion that you did

  • I thought this was a very restrained letter! I never contacted the m/cow, but I immediately emailed her husband, even thought the A was over. His response was a tepid “Oh I thought that ended like a year ago.” I was livid (you knew???) and unleashed on him, in a very ugly way about the rumors around his wife being the industry moped, that she was a good listener because her mouth always had a dick in it, her Christmas bonus should include knee pads – all kinds of bile. It came from a pure agony and I wanted that asshole to feel some of it. Turns out he was the brother of her first husband, and became her next husband via affair, so they were all trash. I don’t regret what I said, but I wish it wasn’t via email. But more than anything, I regret any contact with her husband after he told me that he had known about the affair. There’s no satisfaction in conversing with morons.

    I behaved like a cornered rat, frankly, just lashing out due to having absolutely no support and being dropped left right and center by my in laws. I still cringe about it, but at least I wasn’t fucking someones husband and then losing my job over it.

    • Yes, the spouse usually already knows and is either pissed that the affair partner’s spouse contacts them because they have no right to subject themself into the APs marriage or are already in image management mode and now they have to cover what you know also. Most spouses who have a cheating wife or husband stay in the marriage and don’t care about the other person cheating with them. If they don’t care, why should you.

  • Aww, sorry that you’re struggling with this. I left a few messages on my ex’s ho’s phone because she kept calling me telling me how she “loved” me too and that she and my ex’s relationship had nothing to do with me at all. That she wished me the best but as she saw things, he was better with her, etc, etc, etc. So, yeah, finally one night after a few glasses of wine I left her a few voicemails telling her alllll about what had actually gone down, that he and I were in no way separated while they were getting together, that up until I discovered (1.5yrs into their relationship) that he would even think of cheating let alone lying to me for over a year about something SO incredibly hurtful. Ugh.
    She ended up replying that she still felt it was best if they were together. She felt zero shame or regret or even doubt toward him.
    Something must have happened between them, though, because a few months after I’d kicked him out of our house (he says) she wanted to date another guy and ended things with my x.

    At any rate, they are one in the same. Both scheming types of people. I’m glad that I got things off of my mind when needed. No regrets about the voicemails I sent her. Last I’ve seen of her is her trying to befriend a few of my social media friends and trying to still play the innocent friendly party. However, I also saw that she’s now a single mother to an infant/toddler and still seems passive aggressive, still trying to be the innocent one. And now playing the “I’m mother AND father to my child”. Making herself into a hero of sorts. I can only hope that her baby’s dad either cheated on her (yes selfish of me to wish that) or he left her because she’s a nut. Or, she cheated again. Not my circus, though. Best to her kid.

    Bottom line – I don’t regret sending my feelings off into history. It brought me peace in the moment I needed, which is all I should have cared about. Anyone who judges anyone else for releasing feelings after this type of betrayal clearly doesn’t get it, or they took a different road and is claiming theirs to be the better route. I’m totally at MEH, firmly, now and honestly have no regrets about how I chose to handle my emotions at that time.

    MEH is your goal. Don’t give these fools any more of your sweet life. Not on their decisions about your feelings and def not over regretting your route of response.

    Best to you in your healing. From here on out, make this life about YOU and what you need and want. YOU are the one who matters now.

  • Yes, I know NC is the way to go but since my STBX forced a live in separation situation for his own benefit I felt very good about having one quick conversation before we physically separated. I didn’t contact the OW even though I know who it is now. I wanted my STBX to know that I knew (he thought I didn’t have a clue) so I told him that “only a true piece of shit manipulates his son to pick a family vacation in a spot where Dad gets to sneak out and f*** his married girlfriend on the beach”. He just smirked at me with a vacant look in his eyes. I felt better though and that was the point. He truly disgusts me. I truly can’t believe how many of these cheaters live with themselves – to me it is unfathomable to do something like this. Truly sub-human!

    Sarah, your letter was very tame and I hope it brought you some peace. My mantra is “the only people who get to be Switzerland are my kids” (although them being Switzerland would be hurtful after seeing what their Dad did – but he is their only Dad and I chose him for them 🙁 ). Anyone else who is Switzerland is bye bye – polite and cordial only. Big hugs to you. This exclusive club (CN) is not one any of us would have chosen but it becomes our tribe once we join it.

  • I have never sent a message like this to any of the OW, because I always felt they were beneath my contempt, and in any case, they didn’t know I existed, so why should I bother?

    Also the tag-back thing; honey, he’s all yours. You can have him. I figured they’d work it out in time.

    The actual CHEATER, on the other hand, I have quite often blasted.

    And a woman who wanted to date my ex (who was of course with someone, but sniffing around for an exit affair) – SHE got given the full details on his shortcomings, and a reminder that he was with someone already.

    At the end of it, she narrowed her eyes suspiciously and said, ‘Do you want him back?’

    I took a deep breath, and said, ‘I’ve just spent twenty minutes telling you exactly why I don’t want him back.’

    She turned out to be a flaming narcissist herself, not too much later, but she had the sense to give him a miss, at least.

  • Not sure why but this letter made me think of something I just saw on a meme, “If you’re struggling and your people are just sitting there watching you struggle, they’re not your people.” My grandmother, rest her soul, always said “my people”, “your people” when she was talking about friends. It’s a kind way of saying “fuck them” 🙂

  • I read the letter and honestly, it’s not even actually rude, beyond possibly the young and dumb comment, but since when is ”you are young” a terrible insult?

    I’m not sure how it’s a step too far, such that your friends have disowned you. I suspect those that did were looking for excuses. If she’s THAT wounded by an apparently dreadful, no-good, crazy wife, I feel quite pessimistic about her chances with your husband!

    Okay, yes, I do see it’s a shame you sent the letter, I do. I mean, it’s a bit undignified, but answer me this; is it less dignified than, say, sleeping with someone else’s husband? Is it less dignified than inveigling your way into his friendship circle 8 minutes after his wife has been dumped? I’d say not. I’d say that’s some seriously embarrassing, shameful behaviour right there. I’d also say that the buddies who’ve gone along with it and are now clutching their pearls at the idea of you getting angry and metaphorically hitting back, were looking for excuses to ostracise you.

    I can see myself sitting a friend down and saying that they are now in Crazy Town and as their friend, I need to help them to stop whatever it is they’re doing for their own good, BUT a letter like you wrote? Um… maybe I just move in more excitable and aggressive circles, but it seems pretty fair to me.

    Don’t even give it a second thought. All that you said in it was 100% true, so…?

  • In the early days post dday, whilst still living in house separation, I lost my marbles at ex when he approached me again for sex. I’d made it clear weeks before that whilst he had a girlfriend I had no interest in being anywhere near him.

    I raved at him over how disgusting his trying to sleep with me was, and focussed on how SHE would feel if she knew. I threatened to tell her, said he better keep her away from me because at some point I’d destroy any facade he’d built about our relationship being over when he started seeing her. I promised him I would expose him to her. His response was “don’t do that, she’s innocent in this, it’ll hurt her!”. I screamed at him “What about ME? It’s ok to hurt ME?”.

    18 months later and I still haven’t made good on my promise. I’m still not certain I won’t at some point. My mind says she wont listen or care or want to hear it or that she’s known all along and gloats in the specialness of “winning” him. Most of me understands this as feeding him kibbles, making him central and giving him ammo. I rarely think of it any more, however this post has sparked the memory.

    Not yet MEH and working on it. Much love CL & CN for the reminders today!! The best revenge is silence and gaining a life!

  • Your message is fine and understandable. Any so called friend who says you “went too far” is an enabler. Sounds like UK law needs an overhaul if that note is considered harassment. Surely Schmoopie’s actions are harassing you, then?

    Society functions when we call people out for unacceptable behavior. Cheaters count on everyone saying nothing and treating adultery like they got a new car or new clothes. Those who “don’t judge” are static thinkers or narcissists who think the cheater is of use to them. The trips and bling spent on Schmoopie usually mean that Cheater is not capable of paying bills, alimony or child support as ordered. The enablers should consider that.

  • Most of us have done this. I think I am one of the most poorly behaved chumps but coming here has made me less so because I have learned I am not alone. I sent a few of these early on. And then, for another year,I would respond with craziness when my sociopath, crazy-making ex would dig into my soul by contacting me with aggressive indifference. Even 2 years out, I feel the urge to send things like this. Just yesterday I discovered ex and Schmoopy (who was the cause of all sorts of missed family events during the 4 year affair) are expecting a baby in November- a 43 year old mother and a “happy surprise” as they are calling it. It wasn’t necessary -she, too, has children from the marriage she was cheating on with my husband. So it wasn’t like he left for a young woman who wanted a family of her own. I wanted to send off a quip summarizing my disgust, but I resisted because of CL. And the urge is very strong. You are way ahead of me in terms of elegantly dealing with your situation. And those friends that told you that you went too far? They aren’t friends and they have some seriously questionable values if cheating and parading your affair partner isn’t going too far. Walk proudly!

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