I had some feedback for you about something you might not have thought about discussing before. My wife had an affair with another man both online and mostly in person. Secret vacations together, lots of time spent “helping” his family, etc…
At one point after the affair was discovered, I was in the moral right. Especially when she still continued to see him under the guide of “hoping to quietly wrap it up without his older and frail wife” finding out.
I LOST the moral upper hand when I told too many people about it, including a couple of her friends and some of her family members. Now we are in counseling and most of the time spent (even with a counselor I chose and trust) is about HOW I REACTED. It would be much easier to be me right now if I had chosen only a couple of people to confide in. That would mean that we would be dealing with HER issues and how she can show real remorse and repair the damage she caused, and she would not be able to always come back and say how I hurt her by telling what happened.
Just a thought that might benefit some of your audience. Thank you.
P.S. I should add that the counselor we are seeing feels that my telling people was me wanting to punish her, which is somehow related to a lot of bullying I experienced as a kid. I don’t doubt that is PART of it, I just wish I had not told so that we could focus instead on why this happened and why she continues to lie about what actually happened.
Chumped and Talked
Dear Chumped and Talked,
Her cheating and your telling are not equivalent. This isn’t about the “moral high ground” — this is about her leading a double life, endangering your health and children’s intact family life to go on fuck-fest holidays with Mr. Sparkledick. She betrayed you. She abused you. And she’s not one bit sorry because she’s still lying to you.
Your counselor is an idiot. I’m sorry you chose an idiot. I once chose a mechanic to fix my brakes and you know what? I drove to work and my brakes failed. Did I keep driving a car with faulty brakes? No. I got a new mechanic. Get a new counselor.
If your counselor is upset at being fired, tell him I have a theory. I think it’s part of what makes him such a compassionless jerk and ass-weasel-cheater apologist is because he was a bully as a kid. #heyjustatheory
Back you you, Chumped. You HURT her by telling some people what HAPPENED? You discovered her affair and she continued it with the excuse of his frail, chump wife?
You’re suffering from the common cheater mindfuck of “It’s not what I did, it’s your reaction to it.” The problem is not that she cheated, lied, blameshifts, spent marital resources on holidays and “helping” Sparkledick’s family — no, the problem is you being upset and telling people.
BULLSHIT. If it’s not so terrible to do it, it’s not so terrible to talk about it.
I just wish I had not told so that we could focus instead on why this happened
It happened because she wanted it to happen. There are no depths to plumb here. She did it because she felt entitled to. And she feels entitled to continue. She did the cost-benefit analysis of what she wants versus your pain and she chooses herself every time.
and why she continues to lie about what actually happened.
More entitlement, Chumped. Also, she lies for the very simple reason that YOU ARE TELLING THE TRUTH.
You think you’re having a fight over the Moral High Ground when really you’re having a fight over narrative. Cheaters hate when chumps truth tell. It fucks with cheaters’ impression management of themselves as Splendid People. Behind your back, she’s justifying her affair. She’s certainly justifying it to Mr. Sparkledick. When you’re her chump, she’s got the floor. But when you’re uppity and tell people she’s cheating on you? You just made it a lot harder for her to win the I’m The Real Victim Here narrative sweepstakes. And you make it harder for her to continue her affair. #sparkledickcantcomeouttoplay
But it doesn’t matter, Chumped, because she already won. You’re still there trying to reconcile. And that my friend, in the face of her utter lack of remorse and continued blameshifting, is all the argument she needs — YOU. Being there. Stating with your presence that what she did was not so bad that you won’t take the rap and try harder.
In my opinion, you have no marriage to save. Heck, I don’t even think you have genuine imitation Naugahyde remorse. You’ve got outright contempt. There’s nothing to work with here. No humility or transparency whatsoever.
Oh sure, you can “reconcile,” if the terms are shut up and eat from the shit sandwich buffet. How much easier for her — a life of no consequences and continued cake. How much harder it would be if she had to win over everyone’s opinion, not just yours. She’d have to be accountable and humble. She couldn’t have the upper hand. She’d have to wear the shame and do the hard work.
I know! I’ve got a better idea! Why don’t YOU be the bad guy!
She’s squealing over some small consequences — a few friends and family in the know. So you think you must be a Bad Person for allowing the natural consequences of her actions to happen — i.e., you reached out to people, you were naturally hurt and angry and wanted her to stop cheating.
That isn’t revenge. Revenge would be sending her sex videos to her boss. Or clubbing the other man with a baseball bat. Or shredding his tires. Heck, revenge (or restorative justice) would be totaling the costs of her affair vacations and buying yourself a new truck.
You didn’t do those things, Chumped. You told people she cheated. I’m sorry she doesn’t like it. I’m sorry her upset distresses you. But you’re not the bad person here. SHE is for cheating on you.
You have a basic disagreement about that fact. If she can’t take responsibility for destroying this marriage with her entitlement — expect more entitlement.
Or you could just abandon the battle of the Moral High Ground Alamo and come over here to the peaceful plains of New Beginnings. Meh is really nice this time of year. Come visit.
This one ran before.