I left my house and asked my husband for divorce after 4 years of marriage.
I found out through the OW’s ex-husband that my husband was cheating on me, and later on, I discovered photos on her instagram that were enough proof that he cheated. (Not photos on them, but things that were his.)
He admitted he cheated, but he said that it was only before we were married (BS), but the instagram posting timeline didn’t suggest that.
Back then, I didnt want to end my marriage, so I gave him a chance, and became marriage police, at some point, he started to get upset by me demanding things of him after I found out.
As time went by, I stopped demanding things because I was tired of him getting upset. (I know, unfair.)
Later on, I hired a PI for a week and found out they were seeing each other outside of work, that week that I was out of the country for work.
Although, there was no evidence of them holding hands or anything compromising, the fact that they were seeing each other and he hide it from me hurt me a lot and I decided to end things.
He claimed and swears that he didn’t do anything wrong, but still I moved on with divorce.
He cried, and begged, and claimed to be mentally ill due to my request for divorce, that he was losing his mind, and for some reason that was hard for me, to see someone I love, being that hurt, I kinda felt responsible for that.
At some point I went no contact, but he was losing his mind and I broke that.
I talked to him and made it clear that I just wanted him to be ok. I was honestly afraid he could harm himself, I’ve never seen him that desperate, he seemed like a different person.
He called me yesterday crying, telling me it was such a bad day for him. I guess being alone in the house we shared made him remember all the memories we had. Though, he never asks me to go back with him. (He knows my decision is final.)
So my question is:
Why is he coming back to me and not to the OW?
I mean he is free now to do whatever he wants, when he calls I feel bad for him, and gives me a guilt feeling, honestly I’d rather see him happy with the OW than hear him crying and sad.
I know it sounds weird, I’m trying to move on, but I kinda feel responsible for him, being alone during this Covid times. (I moved back to my parents).
I’m Moving On
Dear I’m Moving On,
He lost the right to snivel when he cheated on you.
He HARMED you and he wants YOU to comfort HIM from the affliction of his consequences?
Stand back for a moment and see how fucked up and manipulative that is.
If I bludgeon your kneecaps with a threaded pipe, and cut my hand, should I then reach out and ask YOU for a bandaid? Does that make sense?
That fact that he thinks he’s entitled to your comfort and concern underscores how much he doesn’t get it. How much this is still about HIM. How much he is minimizing the gravity of what he did. How much he thinks you are responsible to fix HIS messes (cue the RIC, it takes two!) And it totally disrespects your boundaries. You expressed NO CONTACT. And he replied, yeah, but MEeeeeeeeEEEEEE!
so I gave him a chance, and became marriage police, at some point, he started to get upset by me demanding things of him after I found out.
Oh look, it’s a PATTERN. This is what he does when things get hard. He blubs until people quit demanding things of him. It works for him. That’s why he’s doing in now, with the distress dial turned up to 11, because it worked before.
that was hard for me, to see someone I love, being that hurt, I kinda felt responsible for that.
Your empathy speaks well of you, but it’s also makes you narc bait for the disordered. I’m not saying quit being the compassionate beautiful soul you are, I’m saying stop directing those human qualities toward a man who abused you. This “You’re Responsible For Me!” guilt-trip is a hallmark of the disordered. Read over at Out of the Fog about “Fear, Obligation, Guilt” (FOG).
He’s testing your chumpiness. FOG is what we call here the Sad Sausage Channel of Self-Pity.
Here’s the advice I give on highly distressed cheaters who threaten suicide — call 911. Get that person an emergency psych evaluation. If they need help, they’ll get it. If they said it to manipulate you, they’ll spend 72 shoeless hours in a psych ward and never pull that shit again.
He called me yesterday crying, telling me it was such a bad day for him.
Did he ask you about your day?
Did he show a lot of concern about your mental state when you got that call from OW’s husband?
Oh right. You were the meanie who “demanded” things of him. Like safety and respect.
Why is he coming back to me and not to the OW?
You don’t know that he isn’t.
You’re projecting your chumpiness on to him. That he Made a Choice, and picked YOU to confer his distress upon. Like it’s a special privilege to wear his snot on your shoulder. (Metaphorically speaking. It’s COVID, stay away from snot and shoulders.)
You’re imagining a pick me dance where you won. How? Why? Surely he shares his Sad Feelings with the most significant Schmoopie in his life?
I read a lot of stories here, Moving, and there’s a lot of this grief vomit, followed by calls to Schmoopies (flip! Charm Channel!) In my own experience, I’d get operatic remorse, in therapy, then later I saw the cell phone statements, and like 30 SECONDS after he got out of therapy, he was on the phone checking in with the OW(s). It really beggars belief, until you realize how utterly narcissistic and vapid these people are.
Back to my point — you don’t know what he says to OW. And keep it that way. Don’t even be curious. He’s trying to goad you back into the pick me dance.
Though, he never asks me to go back with him. (He knows my decision is final.)
He doesn’t have to ask. He assumes. You pick up the phone.
NO CONTACT like your life depends on it. (Right now, oh hey, global pandemic, it does.)
Let your lawyer run interference. You’re not available.