Yesterday, when we discussed Gottman’s The Four Horseman as an instrument of cheater mindfuckery, an alert chump sent me further reading on the Gottman’s.
Apparently they were gods of relationship research and then seem to have veered off the rails into full blown Reconciliation Industrial Complex madness.
I give you this sales and marketing pamphlet, “Reviving Trust After an Affair.”
“Employ the Gottman’s Trust Revival Method”!
“The three phases in Gottman’s Trust Revival Method are: Atone, Attune and Attach.”
What follows is a testimonial from a cheater about how, gosh darn it, he sucks, but with his dick tethered to a GPS and a little love and understanding, he’s restored his marriage. And pretty soon, once she trusts him again!, he can go back to bar-hopping.
You can read the whole mess here.
The Universal Bullshit Translator is plum wore out after tackling Jada Pinkett Smith’s “entanglement” on Monday. (Send cookies!) So you can hardly expect it to get off the sofa and decode this crap…. but with some coaxing… (THERE WILL BE NO MORE SNICKERDOODLES UNTIL YOU READ THIS), it heaved its heavy machinery into gear.
Only if I promised segments, not the whole stinking tray of bullshit. Without further ado..
Never in a million years would I have thought I’d cheat on my romantic partner.
I always scorned cheaters for their lack of self-control and their selfishness. I would harp about the importance of loyalty in relationships and preach good virtues—and then I went and cheated.
I was puzzled.
Who crafted this dating profile? What witchcraft is this?
Confused at how I could do an act that I vehemently and firmly stood against…
What’s wrong with me? Do I really just lack self-control? Or was I just a steaming pile of turds?
UBT: You, sir, are a steaming pile of turds.
After I cheated, I shamefully owned up to it with my romantic partner. We decided that we wanted to continue the relationship and were recommended the book, What Makes Love Last? By John Gottman, an American psychological researcher who specializes in divorce prediction and marital stability, to help us recover from the act of infidelity.
Act, singular. It was a one-time fuck. No more.
We took the initial steps laid out in the book to decide if we should part ways following the affair. We analyzed if our relationship was worth saving and examined if I had a higher probability of not cheating again. Upon completion of that process, we decided to move forward with the steps to rebuild trust.
My partner and I employed Gottman’s Trust Revival Method from the book as a blueprint to move forward from the adultery.
Yes, I am a real person who speaks like a timeshare pitchman. How dare you doubt my veracity! I am a real customer! Hair Club for Men has changed my life. Also affordable Florida condos.
The Gottman’s Trust Revival Method is a three-phase process that is derived from his experience as a counselor helping couples recover from infidelity. His approach has been tested and produces a fairly high success rate among couples to heal after an affair.
And the peer-reviewed studies are…. where? And you followed up after 5 years, 10? 20? And “success” is defined as?
There is no specific time frame for completing the process.
How convenient for your research.
One of the hardest parts for me during this phase was being on a short leash. I absolutely despised it. I loathed having to regularly tell my partner where I was at all times of the day. If I missed or forgot to notify my partner of my whereabouts at any time during the day, I would be harshly criticized.
I felt imprisoned.
As discouraged as I was during this time, I knew I was responsible for the situation and I begrudgingly accepted my lack of freedom. My partner had my phone’s location, so she had an idea of where I was at all times and she would often ask to see my direct messages on my social media accounts. It gave her peace of mind that I was not going to cheat again.
The wounded partner really must feel a sense of security that the affair would not happen again and receive constant proof of their partner being faithful.
The partner who cheated must sacrifice some of their privacy and activities such as late-night partying or bar stops for a while until after the trust is rebuilt.
Once that trust is rebuilt, commence with late-night partying and bar stops. The dick tethering is only for “a while.”
What a joy it is to be in a
hypervigiliant successful marriage. I would say more but I must send my longitudinal coordinates to my overseer.
In order to move past this trauma, Gottman advises a steady diet of intimate conversations talking about sex. In the attunement phase, you discuss very personal and intimate topics. Now, in the final phase, you sprinkle in discussions about sex to discover your partner’s feelings, attitudes, and preferences in bed.
Because that’s how betrayed people get better — by being more vulnerable with the person who abused them. Forget the Chlamydia! Okay, so I blew 10K on hookers! What’s your favorite sex position?
Having enjoyable, intimate sex requires good communication. Partners are not going to have much satisfying sex if they have a hard time talking about their desires. Practice asking your partner what they like in bed.
Partners are not going to have much satisfying sex if they can’t talk about consent. Did I fuck someone else without your consent and give you an STD? Let’s talk about what I like in bed!
Yes, sex is very important. Fuck me right or I’ll stray. No, this isn’t an implied threat. It’s about OUR preferences. I prefer a smorgasbord of pussy and you are just three orifices in one person. We’re ALL making compromises here.
- What areas do you like to be kissed?
Yeah, Schmoopie liked that too.
- What is your favorite position?
UBT: Utah. Position yourself over there.
Our society perceives cheating as a simple lack of discipline or moral ethics in the face of sexual temptation…
In actuality, research shows that the majority of affairs are not caused by lust. If a relationship is strong and each partner is getting their needs met, there is no temptation for lust outside of their partner.
I cheated on you because you didn’t meet My Needs. But thanks to Gottman’s handy checklist, I’ll know what those needs are!
UBT: This is like arguing I never would’ve robbed that bank had I known you wanted your cash in fives and twenties.
If your relationship is not getting your needs met, better communicating and working together with your partner is a much safer route to take than cheating to try to fix things.
Cheaters cheat to FIX THINGS. They’re not fucking randos for fun, it’s a cry for help. They didn’t enjoy it one bit. They’re just timid forest creatures who couldn’t communicate their needs.
Won’t you help them?