To all of you who sent me Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith’s Red Table public service announcement for Reconciliation After Entanglement — the Universal Bullshit Translator is toast.
It’s a simple machine and it really can’t handle this much Esther Perel sophistication before breakfast.
To those out of loop, Deadline reports:
According to preliminary numbers, the episode drew more than 15 mil views in the first 24 hours — a new record for the most views in 24 hours for a Facebook Watch original episode.
August Alsina is a 27-year-old singer-songwriter. Jada Pinkett Smith (48) and Will Smith (51) are a Hollywood power couple, who’ve been rumored to have an open marriage. In which case allegations of Jada’s affair should be a big shrug. But apparently they’re a Major Deal because Alsina went on a radio show and shared that he’d been in a long-term affair with Jada. (Oops.) He also claimed to have Will’s permission. News that came as shock to Will.
Everyone caught up? Okay.
This earth-shattering revelation that the Smiths had experienced infidelity (SORT OF! They were on a break said Jada! from their maybe open relationship!) was a crisis that had to be examined on Facebook to millions.
I strapped the UBT to a post and forced it to watch. There aren’t enough cookies…
First solid 1.5 minutes — blather blather, dark mutterings about the media, squirming, Jada sits up taller in her chair and intones like a dime store Buddha: “It’s all love.”
They don’t want to discuss this “private matter,” but “Black Twitter” has forced them to be “transparent”. (Black Twitter you have superpowers.)
So, hey, gotta get in front of that narrative!
Jada, we’re 2.33 minutes in. That’s a Paleozoic era in video years. What’s the deal with young guy old enough to be your child?
“We became really, really good friends.”
Yes, we’ve never heard that here before.
“It started with him needing some help… Help his health, help his mental state.”
The noble mission of healing others through fucking? Do you knock on doors and take pledges? What’s the conversion rate, the UBT is curious.
When he began coming around… the outpouring from our family was about his health.”
WTF? Sick singer-songwriters just show up at your door like wounded sparrows? This is a THING? You realize he was showing up because he was having an affair with your wife.
Jada (moving her hands like she’s channeling some demented ouija board):
“We found all those resources to help pull him through.”
Resources being the new euphemism for genitals.
Hope the patient makes it.
“You and I were going through a very difficult time.”
A time that could only be made better by fucking a singer-songwriter you’d introduced to your family. If your husband doesn’t like you now, imagine how much BETTER he’ll like you after you cuckold him.
“Yeah, I was done with your ass.”
Will recounts a brief period of lucidity.
“We decided to separate for awhile and you decide to make yourself happy and I’ll make myself happy.”
The is the accepted narrative and watch me bravely deliver my line. I am an award-winning actor.
“We were over!”
This timeline is very fuzzy. So you were over, but bringing August around your family for magic healing sessions while separated? Huh?
“So what did you do?”
“As time went on, I got into a different kind of entanglement with August.”
“You brought yourself to the red table, you need to say clearly… what happened?”
Jada (plays dumb, as if a kitten had been presented with a quadratic equation):
Oh, hang on, maybe she remembers.
“I got into an entanglement with August.”
Yes, resources are vaginas and entanglements are affairs, Will, catch up.
“An “entanglement”? A RELATIONSHIP.”
Jada bursts into giggles. Your labels are so droll.
“A relationship! I was in a lot of pain. And I was very broken.”
Whoa, a few minutes ago Jada you said you had an amiable separation. It’s all LOVE! The UBT is creeped out how you flipped the channel from charm to self-pity.
“And you can’t find happiness outside yourself.”
The UBT thinks there is nothing outside yourself, Jada. Such is the gravitational pull of your ego.
“What were you looking for?”
“I just wanted to feel good. It had been SO LONG since I felt good. And it was really a joy to just help heal somebody! I think that has a lot to do with my codependency.”
Yes, she’s a Hollywood actress with a telegenic husband, lovely children, and millions in the bank, but she’s sad. SO LONG she had suffered. Get jiggy with your pick-me dance, Will.
Jada isn’t fucking a family friend, she’s just experiencing the JOY OF HEALING. Can’t you see how unselfish she is?
And fucking a family friend has been a teachable moment.
“I”m grateful for that lesson. Aug taught me that.”
Will Smith’s face:
I feel like I’m the husband who has to be there with you at the press conference.”
Yeah, Will, that’s a shit role. Talk to your agent and get a better part.
“Well I don’t look at it as a transgression at all. Through that particular journey I learned so much about myself.”
The UBT has digested that exact Stupid Shit Cheater’s Say sentence about a basquillion times.
Yes, the important thing Jada isn’t Will’s feelings, but your personal growth journey. If you say it’s not a transgression, it’s not a transgression. I’m the Queen’s corgi. Scratch my ears.
CN, have you blundered through this cringe-fest to the half way mark? August dumps Jada. “Understandably.” And it’s all coming out now.
Will wants to know WHY NOW?
Jada pivots back to herself (making weird arm gestures of hugging all the ego chips on the board towards herself)
“It’s what I HAD TO DISCOVER!” The ugly truths and the beauty! I’m grateful for the journey you and I have had together.”
“The fear of making mistakes without the fear of losing your family has been so critical.”
“I’m so glad we’ve gotten to that new place of unconditional love.”
“The fact I’m speaking to you again is a miracle. There’s just certain things you have to go through.”
NO WILL, YOU DON’T HAVE TO! Cancer, okay, death of a parent, okay, your wife fucking a barely-out-of-puberty singer-songwriter — NO! You get to choose whether or not you want to go through that.
“There’s a power in knowing that someone is riding with you no matter what. And you can’t know that until you go through some stuff.”
“I don’t want to go through this no more.”
No, Will, your pain is a teachable moment! Jada may need further lessons! Her happiness could falter at any moment, and the world is full of broken singer-songerwriters.
“I’m going to get you back. hahaha.”
Jada doesn’t like this. This “new place of unconditional love” only goes ONE WAY, Will!
“When I married you I said I could love you through anything.”
The UBT is feeling intensely sorry for Will Smith at this moment.
Jada naturally pivots again to herself.
“I didn’t know you would have the capacity to LOVE ME.”
“How am I doing?”
My pick-me dance is on point. Shuffle, shuffle, bow, scrape.
“You’re doing great.”
“We ride together, we die together. Bad marriage for life.”
How does Jada feel about infidelity?
Though Jada said that Will has not cheated on her, she doesn’t necessarily feel that infidelity is the end of a relationship.
“What are the alternatives to divorce?” she asked Perel. “Everybody thinks as soon as you find out there’s been an affair you have to get a divorce.”
Perel replied that infidelity doesn’t have to break up a marriage.
“I’m not of that persuasion because I think there are many relational betrayals,” she answered. “Contempt, neglect, and violence and indifference and nobody tells people, ‘Leave, leave, get the hell out.’”
“And especially on women, it’s the real new pressure. God forbid you still love the person who actually cheated on you. Maybe that person is a lot of things and cheated on you. It’s like the shame of staying, now that you can go you’ve got to get out.”
VIOLENCE, Esther? No, GET THE FUCK OUT. And holy false equivalence, Batman. Does anyone actually critically read a single thing you say, or are they blinded by your ridiculous accent and the utter authority with which you spout nonsense?
The UBT is spent, but there is no “new pressure” to stay with cheaters. See “Stand By Your Man,” political wife, Will Smith eating a gigantic shit sandwich on Facebook.
Grown up love is CONDITIONAL. It’s not carte blanche to accept abuse.
Jada Pinkett Smith doesn’t seem one bit sorry about any pain she’s inflicted on her children or Will Smith. She’s too wrapped up in her “journey” — Did Esther teach her that? No, that kind of narcissism is home grown. Perel just gave her the word salad vocabulary to spin it. And share the toxic message with millions.
Fight the narrative, CN.