The Crying of Gabby Petito

Hi Chump Lady,

I don’t have a specific question and the Gabby Petito murder may or may not have anything to do with infidelity but……

Have you seen the video of the police interview of her and her fiancé? The one where several white male police officers determined she was having a “mental health crisis” and gave Brian a hotel room and let her sleep in the van and worry about having to drive it alone? Because she was crying a little after he LOCKED HER OUT of her home and only ride out of the wilderness?

I’m so mad! She was having a mental health crisis? Or was she reacting to his stonewalling (at best) and gaslighting (probable)? This is the patriarchal narrative bs that allows women to get murdered by their partners, causes chumps to get blamed for cheating and causes society to look the other way and mutter in secret “who knows, she may be a lot harder to live with than anyone knows.”

Every police department in this country needs to review that video tape with a Domestic Violence expert to discuss and learn from it. Gabby was white and cute and little, so she captures the attention of the patriarchy and the part of America that chooses to not see (I’m being generous and not saying despise or hate) brown and black, big, ugly, and gender nonconforming people. Let’s start a national dialogue and prevent more tragedies like this one by educating the assholes while we’ve got their attention.

Thanks for listening,

Gettingthereslowly

Dear Gettingthereslowly,

Yes, let’s have a conversation about the Hysterical Woman. See also Bitch Be Crazy.

Why, if you thought someone was having a “mental health crisis”, would you allow them to sleep in a van and not a hotel? It sure looks like further punishment to me. Like (if you were a shitty parent) you might treat a toddler having a meltdown. You go sit in the car until you can calm down while the adults carry on….

Honestly, I can’t read too much about Gabby Petito. As I’m sure it is for a lot of women, in another life I lived a version of that nightmare. (One with a much happier ending. I’m here running a blog, with a life, and a good partner who’s not a blazing misogynist.) Two “triggers” (and I loathe that word) — being dumped on the side of a highway as the angry guy drives away. And the way Brian gets smiley with the cops. Does he look like a man in crisis?

It’s gaslighting in action. And clearly it worked. Nothing To Be Hysterical About Here. Only one of us is losing our shit! And it’s not me! We didn’t see the rage channel, but the charm channel flips right on.

Shouldn’t it strike the police as odd that this guy is weirdly chill as his girlfriend is so visibly upset?

I’ve told my DV story here elsewhere, but I remember being a hyperventilating, terrified woman. As the cops took a chatty, charming, cajoling him out of the house. And his guns. I told them to look in his car, in the wheel hub. Where they found an unregistered handgun. Which is illegal. And he was a member of the bar. And I asked that officer, “Why aren’t you writing that down? Are you going to report this?” And he said brightly:

“I think he’s in enough trouble for one day.”

Who got him in trouble? Me. By calling 911.

Who was hysterical? Who was a smiling white man?

This shit has to change.

 

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RossLucy465
RossLucy465
2 years ago

There are dozens of YouTube comments from men yelling about HER being a domestic abuser because she grabbed his arm, caused the vehicle to swerve, and scratched his face trying to get her phone.

I wonder why she was so desperate to get her phone?

DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
2 years ago
Reply to  RossLucy465

This bastard (and his G-D- enabling family) have caused me to question my opposition to the death penalty.

I think I’ll wait until his trial is over and he’s gone, before actively opposing it…just to be safe.

I guess I hope he’s actually in the swamp, but I fear he’s already overseas partying (but telling his parents he’s sadz and to send more money.)

Confused123
Confused123
2 years ago
Reply to  RossLucy465

I don’t usually comment but those hysterical men have a movement. MGTOW. Look it up ladies. It’s important information to understand and where this shit comes from.

I count
I count
2 years ago
Reply to  Confused123

My ex is now MGTOW after I left him… interesting

Cam
Cam
2 years ago
Reply to  I count

Sadly not surprised. I’ve seen the hate spewed by the MGTOW online and all of them sound like abusers who are mad their victim got away.

NotAnymore
NotAnymore
2 years ago
Reply to  I count

Ew ew ew ew ew. Scum of the earth, dregs of the internet, trolls of the universe! MGTOW ????????????

(Can you tell I’ve been on their reddit?)

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
2 years ago
Reply to  RossLucy465

Yep. So much of this doesn’t just touch a nerve, it detonates like grenade. My EX tried to tell people I was a abusing him–shoving him. The part where he was blockading me in a bathroom and refusing to let me out was omitted. The part where I just tried to shoulder past him (not a shove by any measure) was left out.

Ironically, my EX disabled the phones in the house and left a note telling me that he had done so to punish me and prevent me from using them, and this was the evidence the police took seriously when I called them from a neighbor’s phone after being locked out of the house. I wish they had done the same for Gabby.

Mighty Mite
Mighty Mite
2 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Eilonwy, it makes me so sad to hear stories like this. It just is so unbelievable how these abusive monsters twist the story to make us look the the crazy, abusive ones. Im sorry this happened to you….its really scary what lengths they go to turn themselves into the victim.
Mine brought his AP to our home after a date within days of DDay…in full view of our children. While I had always been timid and always backed down from him, this made my mama bear come out. For the first and only time in our whole 20+ year marriage, I yelled. I ran outside to the AP’ s car and yelled at her to leave my home. She smirked and turned her head away from me, so I banged on the hood of her car to demand her attention. I told her she could fuck my husband, but she would never do it in my home in front of my children. She left; i went back in the house and locked myself in my room to avoid my husband’s reaction. Later that night he texted her that he was afraid to go to bed because he thought I was going to kill him by bashing his head in with a baseball bat. Im not and have never been a violent person. He knew that i was a faithful, god-fearing wife and this text really opened my eyes to how he was portraying me the others. That in itself is so abusive. It’s gaslighting, except they are gaslighting others against you. Its very traumatizing.

Megan
Megan
2 years ago
Reply to  Mighty Mite

You are so right. Well said.

RossLucy465
RossLucy465
2 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

And it’s not that I disagree that grabbing someone’s arm while they are driving is poor behavior. It’s not that I disagree that lunging at someone, grabbing aggressively for a phone, and scratching someone else is something that should just be dismissed or excused.

It’s just so frustrating to watch men in comment sections try to insist that these two things are somehow proof positive of a campaign of violent behavior on the woman’s part.

It was not lost on me that Gabby repeatedly apologized and took ownership for her own behaviors – explaining that she was anxious, exhibiting behaviors that were consistent with OCD, and was being reactive with her fiance. That behavior makes her seem less likely to be abusive to me .

I realized that Gabby might have routinely hauled off and hit him, scratched him, berated him – and that these are abuse .

But that body can footage demonstrated something different than that to me .

Infidelity in my family has shown that cheaters, and liars in general, are people who tend to externalize any inconvenience or misfortune. They rarely take responsibility for their own choices and behavior.

That’s why I found insistence that Gabby was an abuser to be frustrating.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
2 years ago
Reply to  RossLucy465

Who ended up dead? That’s the evidence that speaks to me.

NotAnymore
NotAnymore
2 years ago
Reply to  LovedAJackass

Exactly. In addition, can’t we just go by the math? Women are murdered, beaten, raped, and abused by their partners at a much higher rate than men.

Police are the wrong force. There should be a mental health service that should have been called to provide anyone who is suffering in a relationship an out if they need it.

Clare
Clare
2 years ago
Reply to  NotAnymore

I don’t know if I agree with that. The first mediator in my divorce case was a major chauvinist and didn’t see any red flags. He was a social worker. The second one saw all of them- God bless him. Also a social worker. But the fact is, my kids remained in danger for an entire year because of the first one. Then the second wrote a scathing report on my ex that our chauvinist judge decided to disregard. He recommended supervised visits immediately- our judge decided, “Let’s wait until the trial before we change anything.” In the 3 months that followed, my children suffered terrible abuse and neglect. Finally, the judge got “sufficient” evidence that the second mediator’s recommendations should be honored, but it was too late.
The problem is male chauvinists. In every field.

LezChump
LezChump
2 years ago
Reply to  LovedAJackass

^^^^^ THIS. Thank you, LaJ.

We are chumps. We can tie ourselves in knots worrying about what is “reasonable” behavior. I imagine most of us acted very “reasonably” despite our abuse and trauma. But, if EVER there were a time to be “unreasonable,” I imagine that the times when we feel unsafe around our intimate partners would be *exactly* that time. And if they don’t like our totally understandable “unreasonableness,” they can set healthy boundaries for themselves. Funny how Petito’s abuser was not making any move to set a boundary or to protect himself in the video. He was not afraid for his life; he acted like a man who is in control, and only temporarily inconvenienced by the police.

Lady B
Lady B
2 years ago
Reply to  LezChump

Reactive abuse – is the term, basically when you are pushed far enough by a person you will defend yourself and attack.

Samsara
Samsara
2 years ago
Reply to  LezChump

It’s also been reported that the reason the police were called to the “disturbance” between the pair was a 911 call of a person who actually saw Gabby being physically “slapped” by the fiance in the street. So her actions need to be seen in the context that he was actually hitting her and it was witnessed and immediately reported to police. That changes the narrative…. but it doesn’t change the tragic outcome.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
2 years ago
Reply to  LovedAJackass

Right on.

Givetimetime
Givetimetime
2 years ago

Reminds me of the one night, after finding out my husband had been fucking prostitutes for years, he lied to me one last time. I punched him in the face. Not my proudest moment, but little me wasn’t going to inflict much damage, unfortunately. He was just fine.

He called 911, though. . The cops showed up. He told them that I punched him. I responded with, I just found out he’s been using prostitutes for years. Isn’t that illegal?

The cops told me that they weren’t there because of the prostitution issues, they were there for domestic violence and if I touched him again I would go to jail.

Yeah, I was the guilty party. Thanks. Such fond memories.

RossLucy465
RossLucy465
2 years ago
Reply to  Givetimetime

As much as I hate to say this, the most egregious example of serial infidelity in my own family was perpetrated by a cop. It was severe enough that he was allowed to resign from the police force.

This cop cheater used his badge to get an inconvenient boyfriend incarcerated so that he could carry on an affair with the man’s girlfriend. Meanwhile, his wife and children were holding down the fort at home.

Not only did he not serve time for violating a man’s civil rights in the commission of an adulterous affair, the court dropped a million dollar penalty against him.

The only consequence the cop cheater suffered was a divorce and the loss of his daughter’s respect.

I won’t go into the years my mother disparaged his ex-wife.

Rarity
Rarity
2 years ago
Reply to  RossLucy465

Amber Guyger was cheating with a fellow married officer the night she shot Botham Jean in his own apartment. She was upset because her married lover was trying to break it off with her that night. It was part of the reason she wasn’t thinking clearly and stumbled into the wrong apartment.

IIRC, she called her lover before she called 9-1-1 to try and get help for Jean.

KB22
KB22
2 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Wow I had no idea about the affair. I felt a little sorry for her during the trial, as it was a tragic accident, but now not so much.

chumpedchange
chumpedchange
2 years ago

“Shouldn’t it strike the police as odd that this guy is weirdly chill as his girlfriend is so visibly upset?” YES. so much this. I remember in couples therapy, breaking down sobbing my heart out. Ex-hole did nothing, and neither did the therapist. I excuse myself and went to the bathroom. No one commented when I re-entered the room. But in my mind, that was the moment of truth. Nobody cared. And I am a stoic by nature (and Catholicism) so there was really no where to go after that. (Hurray for Chump Lady/Nation).
Thanks for posting about this, yet another tragedy

Lady B
Lady B
2 years ago
Reply to  chumpedchange

My abusive Narc was weirdly calm in high stress situations, it’s a sign of a personality disorder. They lack empathy so your distress means nothing’s on them.

Brit
Brit
2 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

Ex was also strangely calm in high stress situations. He eerily reminded me of Ted Bundy. The stone cold look, blank emotionless eyes.

Never showed empathy or compassion for anyone.

chumpedchange
chumpedchange
2 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

Lady B- yes- it was disconcerting how good exhole was in a crisis “weirdly calm” describes it well- like tire busting on the highway. He got to be the competent hero. And in one instance, afterwards had absolutely NO comprehension why I was distraught- was because our grand daughter had been in the car. He thought I should be more thankful. He was so inflated by the whole thing, and no understanding of how close we came to disaster as we swerved off the highway. Or if he did, he didn’t care. He just loved disasters- worked in theatre (and they are alwasy close to disaster) so wherever he went he got heroics (except at home).

Lady B
Lady B
2 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

– Nothing to them

Cam
Cam
2 years ago
Reply to  chumpedchange

I reported domestic violence once and stayed calm in the hopes the cops would believe me. I knew the “hysterical woman” narrative and was trying to avoid it.

The cop called me a liar BECAUSE I was “too calm”! He said I was obviously just trying to ruin an innocent man.

I also left an abusive ex in college. To this day, I’m sure his entire social circle thinks I’m a crazy bitch – even though ex has left a trail of traumatized women in his wake. Many people even witnessed his abuse and still think all us exes are the crazy ones.

Misogynists will find any reason to disbelieve women. No matter how many hoops you go through to get heard, it’s never enough.

Megan
Megan
2 years ago
Reply to  chumpedchange

Same

ChumpaloneintheworldofDV
ChumpaloneintheworldofDV
2 years ago
Reply to  chumpedchange

Chumpedchange, I relate. I had been in therapy, laid it all out on the table. Eventually after a few sessions, she suggested we meet with my husband. I thought she made it clear it was his chance to come clean. I had built up trust in her. So we meet up, three of us in the room, I ended up having to defend myself. She abandoned me. She tricked me into feeling safe, then just took his side.
I confronted her about it, after he left, on the way out. She admitted she struggled with her husband of 20 odd years befriending 20 something yr olds etc. I got the impression he had cheated. They had separated once.
It was like once she got in the room with my husband she was intimidated. I don’t know, all I know is it added to my trauma. It felt like I kept bouncing off walls spinning with the thought ‘Who can I trust?!’ for help to be safe.
In the end, it was me. Only me and God.
I have other experiences, but too long to go into. We could all write books about our experiences. Maybe we could collate them into a book. The reality of coercive abuse.
Who would buy it? ????‍♀️ We could re-enact scenes of our lives with lying ???? cheating partners on YouTube. This is what gaslighting looks like. This is what it looks like when a seasoned therapist is charmed by your lying spouse, and verbally expressed their shock at how they never would have expected him to be so impressive (for example).

Myst
Myst
2 years ago
Reply to  chumpedchange

My ex would laugh. He’d say look who’s yelling? “See how calm I am, I’m not even raising my voice”. I’d say you aren’t the one being called a stupid cunt, so of course you are calm. He’d smirk and laugh if I got upset.

Nita
Nita
2 years ago
Reply to  Myst

Thank u for sharing, Myst. Me too.

Brit
Brit
2 years ago
Reply to  Myst

^^^
same
They’re tormentors, they do it on purpose to see us break then use our emotions as evidence of being unstable. More torment..

Regina
Regina
2 years ago
Reply to  chumpedchange

Chumpedchange; I also went to a therapist with my then husband and I was describing emotional abuse and was met with silence. This male therapist thought it was all ok & took his side. Even regarding six weeks of silent treatment when my hair started falling out.
Then when we got home, my husband said “You never like the therapist when he understands me!!” We then got a female and she was drawn in by him even though I had seen her by myself for 6-7 months before he joined us. He was Mr. Charming and wonderful there. No laughs at home, that is for sure!

chumpedchange
chumpedchange
2 years ago
Reply to  Regina

When the new partner is a therapist (!! Nurse with a Purse) ex-hole has appropriated the perfect “beard”… oh yes he is a perfect charming (greasy) professional manipulator, and with heart problems as well. Great cover… now no one can ask any hard questions, and I still can be made out to be the crazy one. Oh well, who cares. I am pretty sure they are both living in a hell of lies and ambiguity.

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
2 years ago
Reply to  chumpedchange

chumpedchange,

Same… in a couples therapy session, I broke down over his admission of having successfully groomed yet another affair partner. I was so upset, I literally clamped both of my hands tightly over my mouth, trying to stifled the sobs and screams of anger, disgust and frustration. I was doubled over at the waist, in absolute emotional distress. Serial cheater XH of 40 years was in his usual spot at the farthest possible end of the counselor’s long sofa, starting straight ahead, looking positively bored, and devoid of any care or concern. He never moved, never said a word, never even looked in my direction.

Sunrise
Sunrise
2 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

Same for me in couple’s counseling. I was the only one who seemed to care.

And it’s been 11 years (9 years post-decree) of abuse like frivolous litigation, withholding expense reimbursements, charging me multiple times for the same expense, lying to me, lying to the kids, letting himself into my house without my permission, mixing it up with my mother in front of my neighbors, not picking up the kids on time, not picking up the kids at all, and so on. I shut down one bad behavior and another new one starts up. He showed me who he was that day in counseling. I should’ve believed him and shut him out of my life from day 1 instead of trying to get along “for the sake of the children.”

8.5 more months until my youngest emancipates and I’m free of this HR-veneered monster and his c%$# of a ho-wife.

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
2 years ago
Reply to  Sunrise

Sunrise,

Oy veh. The clusterfuck that keeps on giving. I pray that the next 8.5 months flies by for you.

Before I ever heard of Chump Lady, I chose to zero contact with XH very early on in our separation, simply because the thought of speaking with him, being around him, having to breathe the same air, repulsed me. I’ve now included his Married Howorker in the silence (she was the latest conquest referred to in my OP; she’s now Wife Appliance #2).

chumpedchange
chumpedchange
2 years ago
Reply to  Sunrise

Rock on Sunrise! Five years to disentangle from the FW- 2 lawyers ( he had 3) and about $60,000 i didnt have. AND YET- IT WAS WORTH IT. I got a new life. All our retirement fund. The blessings of 2 judges. A great job. And strong relationships with kids and geandkids.
He got a new partner who wont live with him ( she is literally the Nurse with the Purse) … a heart attack… months in a coma… revived but why?

shelly
shelly
2 years ago
Reply to  chumpedchange

Same.

Xioba Xioba
Xioba Xioba
2 years ago

Hi Gettingthereslowly and welcome to CN.
That poor woman and her family.
As a father of two daughters I just hope I taught them enough about men at this point to help them if this is part of their future. That dude is no man. Period. Ugh.
But, we men try to do better we try to teach our sons respect, and honor and loving kindness. Patience. Non violence. Fidelity. Sincerity. And yeah, heart break sucks but it’s ok to feel hurt and it’s ok to let go.
Some people are just evil regardless of chromosome.
Blessings to that family.
Xioba Xioba

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
2 years ago
Reply to  Xioba Xioba

This is so very important. Teaching sons “respect, and honor and loving kindness. Patience. Non violence. Fidelity. Sincerity.” Yes!!

Cuzchump
Cuzchump
2 years ago

My heart goes out to Gabby. When my daughter was around 15 or 16. She was putting a desk together. My ex kept telling her she was doing it wrong and was calling her names. She got lippy with him. He threw her into the closet door. This was the first time he ever physically touched her. However, looking back he often called her and I names. Was a great gaslighter. I called 911 that day. Two white police officers came to the house. She was crying and explained what happen. I also explained what happened and told them he has a history of calling her/us names. They stood there stone face. I touched one of the officers arms because I wanted to ask him a question. I was told if I assault him one more time I will be arrested. The police officers did arrest my ex. One of the officers had me follow him to a judge that was on weekend duty for a PFA. As my daughter and myself were explaining what happened. I became tearful and stated that I am sick of being treated like this. The judge looked at me and said “I do not think it is your husband who has the problem. By the way you are acting.” My ex verbally abused me for decades. Only to cheat on me with my cousin. Slander my name and play the victim.
Gabby did not deserve to be treated like that by those police officers. She deserved to be treated with kindness and not be punished for her boyfriends actions.

Stig
Stig
2 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

That is so wrong! Why do so many people associate being emotional with being out of control? There was a female officer from the arches park tgat spoke to her. I think everyone misread the situation and gave Brian the benefit of the doubt. The lady officer said she told Gabby that her relationship looked toxic and she wished she had told her to leave, but I think Brian was already dangerous and threatening leaving was what tipped him over the edge (sorry but I’ve already drawn a lot of conclusions here. Gabby could have fallen over a cliff during a fight tgat went wrong, but I don’t think so. Since the story broke, so many women (and men to be fair) are like, oh shit she’s already gone. His behaviour is so guilty. Chump nation has been such an education. Brian schmoozing the cops with some kind of bro code and gabby apologising. If she’s being abusive she would have tried to pin it on him it was his fault etc. this wasn’t their first run in. Also Brian is as entitled as fuck. How do I know? Because if the way his parents covered for him and gave him a head start. I hopeBrian doesn’t get to coward his way out and is caught alive. Poor Gabby and her family. Abusers suck.

honeyandthehomewrecker.com
honeyandthehomewrecker.com
2 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

Cuz, that is ENRAGING. To be treated as though you are the problem by the very judge whose job it was to remain impartial and help you. Ugggg!!!!! So sorry for that added layer of trauma on top of what your ex-husband did. Makes me ill.

It should remind us all that demonstrably horrible and unqualified people often get into positions of authority and power. When those horrible people happen to become marriage counselors or part of the judicial system, they can do the most damage because we are often at our most vulnerable when we need them. We unconsciously approach them with an attitude of automatic trust, and that trust can be horrifically abused.

Attie
Attie
2 years ago

Not being in the US I’ve only just learned of Gaby’s story (and now they’ve found her body and he’s disappeared right)! It just about broke my heart. I’m tough, had a good job and support from all and sundry but my ex-FW bastard had me beaten down so bad there were times I thought I wouldn’t make it! In the end I wasn’t afraid of the violence. Oh I knew it would hurt the next day, but in the here and now, it didn’t scare me, to be honest. But the night he pinned me to the bed with a broken whiskey bottle to my throat I knew I had to throw all my energy into one last burst and get that asshole away from me and my kids forever. And I did. Oh I already hated his guts so losing him was always going to be the best thing that ever happened to me, but I was so beaten down by physical abuse and lack of sleep over years and years (maybe four hours non-consecutive sleep a night) that I didn’t know how I could physically keep it together to get everything lined up and get him away. So I looked at that video of poor Gaby almost apologizing for her “mental health difficulties” and my heart breaks. And that creepy asshole with her playing the “hail fellow well met” good guy! Damn, it makes me so angry!

ChumpToTheMax
ChumpToTheMax
2 years ago

My X did this early on in the relationship. He would do things to get me upset in public, then act innocent. There were many times the cops threatened me, which scared me enough to know better than to call the cops as he could talk his way out of anything. He was abusive to me, then later on, the kids and always it was our fault. I was too scared to ever dial 911, but finally, when he was stalking me after I filed for divorce, my therapist and my boss encouraged me to call the cops every time he showed up did something stupid. He became too arrogant and his behavior started backfiring on him. My heart brakes for this family, but there are so many young girls out there that are going through the same thing and feel no one can help them.

Wake up Call
Wake up Call
2 years ago

Yes we need a national dialogue about this, so that everyone, cops included, will start to recognize the signs before it’s too late for another victim.

Pink Flamingo
Pink Flamingo
2 years ago

The video of her blaming her anxiety and ocd for their “domestic dispute” broke my heart. I remember being a young 20 something and going on antidepressants after moving in with the abusive cheater. I never saw the connection. The physical violence didn’t happen until much later. I wish emotional abuse and personal relationship red flags were taught in high school. It should be part of a required health class. Thank you for writing about Gabby’s story, CL.

Madge
Madge
2 years ago

Never go to a man for help, I tell young women. Never. You don’t know whether he is an abuser, too, and if he is, he will side with your abuser. There are women who will side with an abuser, but fewer of them.

She was caught in an escalating pattern of abuse, and she wasn’t ready to name it yet when he killed her. It’s not her fault, but we need to teach girls how to be wise around men, be wary, call things by their right names. We need to teach girls what abuse is, and to name it and get away at the first sign. No “But I love him.” No “We can work it out.” Just go.

rosslucy465
rosslucy465
2 years ago
Reply to  Madge

This makes me think of the interview with Jeffrey Tambor and Jessica Walter about his tirade at her on the set of “Arrested Development.”

Except it wasn’t an interview with Tambor. Jason Batement closed ranks around the senior actor on the show while Walter recalled crying after Tambor tore into her on the set.

If memory serves, no one on the production crew intervened. They just let Tambor attack her.

Apidae
Apidae
2 years ago
Reply to  Madge

And even if he isn’t an abuser, the odds are VERY high that he will empathize with the man simply because they’re both men.

chumpedchange
chumpedchange
2 years ago
Reply to  Madge

“Never go to a man for help, I tell young women. Never. You don’t know whether he is an abuser, too, and if he is, he will side with your abuser.” wow it took me years to understand how men club together. The whole damsel in distress thing -where men come to your aid? Whitewash. The truth is that men cover for each other, almost always. Its very sad to discover this.

Regret
Regret
2 years ago

The van was registered to Gaby. That’s why the police sent him to a hotel, and let her keep the van. She owned it.

As soon as he proceeded in the van without her it was at a minimum Grand Theft Auto. Now that she has been found we know more about why he left in the van; he had killed her.

Stig
Stig
2 years ago
Reply to  Regret

Yes good point about stealing. But that’s not the worst but unfortunately.

Sue_W
Sue_W
2 years ago

Saw this posted on Facebook. As a survivor myself, it hit a lot of still-sensitive nerves. It’s spot on!

RIP, Gabby. ????

“Important lessons to learn from Gabby’s tragic life and death.

1. Based on the body camera video posted by the officers who pulled Gabby and her fiancé over for suspicious driving, some viewers assumed Gabby was suffering from mental illness and Brian was the stable one.

2. Some people may have assumed both partners were equally abusive and equally at fault. The old “it takes two” myth that doesn’t really apply to most abusive situations.

3. Some people may have even assumed Gabby was the abuser and Brian was the victim.

4. These assumptions are classic. Why? Because, in many cases, the target manages to keep things together until her breaking point, at which time others may see her crying or hear her yelling or see her breaking, and then they assume she’s “crazy.”

5. Meanwhile, the abuser plays the part of the poor, patient partner who has to deal with this crazy person. But all the while, he’s been acting very differently behind closed doors, pushing her to this point intentionally and feeding on her emotional break. He LOVES to see evidence that he has hurt her. He LOVES to see her pain.

6. For this reason, “breaking her” has been his goal from the start. It may take him hours or weeks or months or even years to break her, but he won’t stop until he gets that reaction, and then he’ll point the finger and say, “See? She’s crazy. I’m just trying to keep her calm.” And then he’ll do it again. And again. And again.

7. As a result, some people will buy into that false narrative. Even the target. Which brings me to my next point.

8. In the video, we see Gabby making many excuses for Brian’s behavior, and she takes all the blame for everything he does.

9. We also see Brian blaming Gabby and saying he was just trying to keep her calm.

10. This is also the norm for victims of long-standing abuse. A target becomes conditioned to believe everything the abuser does is her fault.

11. Also, she clearly doesn’t want Brian to be in trouble. She’d rather pay the price and protect the man she loves. Also, remember she truly believes he only acted this way because of her, so she doesn’t want him to be blamed. This is also the norm.

12. Smart officers see right through this. Others buy the cover-up story. (And because some officers are also abusers, they all too frequently side with the abuser even when they know exactly what’s going on.)

13. I actually credit the police in Gabby’s situation. They were calm, they separated the couple, they interviewed them individually, they split them up for the night, they did everything right. I’m sure the officer has tremendous guilt about the end result and wonders if he could have prevented it, but I don’t blame the officers in this case. I was actually pretty surprised and impressed with how well they treated both Brian and Gabby (and, sadly, I was thinking how rare it is to see that.)

14. Many people have been shocked by Brian’s family’s refusal to cooperate with police. I’m not shocked at all. Let’s look at that a little more closely.

15. I’m also not surprised to learn that Gabby lived with the Laundrie family for a year. We all see this family will do anything to protect their son, even at the cost of an innocent young woman who was a real part of their family and soon to be their daughter in law. While most of us can certainly understand them wanting to protect their child, they crossed a moral line when Gabby went missing.

16. But I think it goes deeper than that. I think it shows them as a system of enablers who not only allowed Brian to abuse Gabby over a long term (which probably led to her intense anxiety) but also a system of gaslighters who were probably always shifting the truth to keep Gabby confused and make her believe she’s the problem. She was caught in an entire system of abuse. And once you’re in that web, it’s very very very difficult to see a way out.

17. I imagine they probably contributed to her abuse from the start and encouraged their son’s abusive behaviors by rewarding him, making excuses for him, blaming Gabby, flipping the script, and keeping her in the fog that breaks down a person’s psyche and spirit over time.

18. Gabby and Brian had been together since their teens. This is also common. These immature relationships work beautifully when both partners grow together and mature emotionally. But when one wants to keep the other down, naive, and under his control…and the other is growing, learning, and maturing, it doesn’t work.

19. We hear Gabby tell the officer that Brain didn’t think she could do her travel blog. It seems clear that he didn’t believe in her and was trying to make her not believe in herself.

20. She also says he didn’t like her working and that he locked her out of the van because she wouldn’t calm down. But when you listen to the full video, it sounds like he was upset because they’d spent too much time at the coffee shop with her working on her website when he wanted to go hiking. She wasn’t in her seat when he was ready to leave. Control issues?! He squeezed her face with his hand in anger. He cut her down and criticized her, verbally abusing her until she was a wreck of tears. He was breaking her spirit, intentionally.

21. Why? Because her focus wasn’t 100% on him. And because she had found a job she enjoyed and was good at and that allowed her to connect with other people, when he wanted her all to himself.

22. She now had this one little piece of her life that he couldn’t completely control, so he wanted fo get rid of that. It angered him. He punished her for it. See the pattern?

23. The overall takeaway? When you see someone crying like this, don’t assume she’s crazy. Don’t buy into the false narrative given by the abuser. Don’t believe the cover-up story by the target who has been conditioned to carry all the blame and shame. And don’t assume she’s going to be okay. She just may end up your next recovered body.

24. If you or someone you love are in an unhealthy relationship, please don’t assume it will get better in time. I haven’t heard one single story where it got better. Not one. Not with therapy. Not with church. Not with prayer or forgiveness or complete surrender. Nothing works when the abuser is determined to destroy that target. He will not stop until she is erased from this world or from her life. And in many cases, he’ll walk away without any consequences.

Please don’t let the next Gabby be you or someone you love.

Domestic violence hotline: 1-800-799-7233“

Block_Unfollow
Block_Unfollow
2 years ago
Reply to  Sue_W

I had to leave the Chump Lady Facebook group because of the victim blaming going on in the comments on this post there, and how triggering it was for me. The admins did nothing.

McJJ
McJJ
2 years ago
Reply to  Sue_W

And note that in comments to that article – on the 911 call the callers stated that they had seen him hitting and slapping her. Apparently that information was not passed along to the police officers who arrived to handle the situation.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  McJJ

And if the dispatcher(s) who got the call didn’t pass that info to the POs, then it is on them and they should be at the very least disciplined; maybe fired.

In the case of fw’s whore, she was placed in a position of dispatcher when he and she were outed as fuck buddies. (she was his direct report)

She didn’t last long in that job as she dispatched a couple police officers to a local restaurant where there was a disturbance. What she didn’t tell them was that the caller told her there was a gun involved. She got fired.

Luckily no one was injured, as the Police Officers handled it; but she still got fired. And she should have. She had been to training and she knew she was supposed to give that info.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Sue_W

Do you have the link to that on FB, I would like to try to share it. I rarely share on FB, but in this case with a 20 something granddaughter I would like to.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Never mind I found it.

chumpedchange
chumpedchange
2 years ago
Reply to  Sue_W

Thanks for this detailed break down of events.

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
2 years ago

That’s the tightrope people in the position of less power walk on; especially if your partner is able to switch on the charm. It doesn’t matter to the outside world what you say you’re living through when the FW in your life is just so charismatic. I think that may be part of why I don’t speak out or talk much publicly about my relationship and marriage to FW. In the real world, I talk about him as much as Nicole Kidman talks about Tom Cruise, which is to say, hardly ever, only if I’m pressed to and can’t get out of not answering, and I choose my words very, very carefully.

I had a friend once tell me that my unwillingness to talk about him was very telling.

My FW never hurt me physically but there was other damage done. At the time of our relationship, I trusted him completely. During the last D-Day, I started listening to my gut and, while I kept telling myself that he would never do anything to me, I started to not feel comfortable around him. I began to make sure all our business was conducted in public spheres (like food courts at the mall, which was humiliating) because while my heart said “He’s never laid a finger on you; you are fine,” my brain said “He has shown you repeatedly that he doesn’t have your best interests in mind. Do not be alone in a private space with this man.” There were many decisions–over the course of many years!–of me slowly (too slowly) beginning to make choices with my head instead of my heart.

I watched a lot of true crime documentaries in those days. The number of murder stories where a cheating FW killed their spouse, even in a marriage with no record of abuse, to clear the path for their affair partner were sobering. Never trust a FW who views you as an obstacle to their happiness.

He’s never done anything to me, just to be clear. But, as I started listening to my brain instead of my stupid heart, I gave him less chances to do anything to me. Like never being alone with him in a private space and never letting him into my home. I also never objectively stood in the way of any of his girlfriends. I used to think that it was me refusing to be a part of a romantic triangle. By blocking his path to “true love,” he would have started to not think of me as an obstacle but, instead, an enemy. Even when I was going through the trauma and hard work of falling out of love with him (and it is hard work), I started to feel less like I was dumped and more like I escaped.

Poor Gabby. She never had the time to figure all that out. My story isn’t hers but I remember crying my heart out, looking like an unstable wreck, while my husband calmly charmed any interested third party that was wondering what was going on. Naturally (sadly), he was listened to; I wasn’t.

DigitalChump
DigitalChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

Fourleaf,

So well said. Thank you!

They don’t like it when stand up for yourself and once their emotional abuse stops working they can escalate. In my situation, FW did become physical, an “incident” before I filed and another after I filed. I reported the second but ended up not pressing charges which was a big mistake.

chumpedchange
chumpedchange
2 years ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

“Never trust a FW who views you as an obstacle to their happiness.”… “less like I was dumped, and more like I escaped” so well said, and describes the fear underlying the confusion spead by the cheater/liar/FW. Cognitive dissonance= fear at a base level.

CakeEater'sDaughter
CakeEater'sDaughter
2 years ago

Heartbreaking.

I thought of CL right away, the way this lost woman-child trivialized and took the blame on herself in front of the police, while they used zero critical thinking, but typed her (five feet five, skinny) as the abuser of this tall muscular guy.

Definition of spackle. And I thought too how Instagram and TikTok and social media in general can turn spackle into a competitive sport and even a vocation. How she must have felt even more coerced to keep up the appearance of perfection.

I also immediately thought, “discard phase.”

And what can it have been like, the two of them living with his parents before the trip. Surely they must have known SOMETHING was “off”?

Wished you would write about this, thought not, thank you for doing it.

If only this tragedy can teach others and prevent more deaths and disappearances.

KB22
KB22
2 years ago

I believe Brian is an abuser and now a murderer. I also believe his parents are dysfunctional and created the monster. While I’m sure their lawyer instructed them not to say anything, and Brian is their son, I still can’t fathom how these people could totally ignore the agonizing, desperate pleas from Gabby’s parents. It’s beyond despicable. They didn’t even respond with a “we are so sorry but we have no idea where Gabby is and what happened to her”. Nothing. They were completely indifferent to Gabby’s parent’s torment of trying to locate their child.

Stig
Stig
2 years ago
Reply to  KB22

It’s not that they were indifferent it’s that they knew Brian was guilty and had locked that shit down legally already and given Brian a head start. What kind of parent enables to that extent? One that already knew there were problems and are not really shocked by what’s happened but just one more thing to handle. When you act like the Sopranos or a character in breaking bad there’s definitely something up. The most shocking thing for me is that Brian has felt ZM comfortable enough to tell his parents what’s happened (perhaps not all the details) and know they’ll back him no matter what. Dysfunction up the wazoo.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
2 years ago
Reply to  KB22

“I still can’t fathom how these people could totally ignore the agonizing, desperate pleas from Gabby’s parents. It’s beyond despicable.”

100% agree.

But here again is another example of “why we can’t fathom” certain behavior. We aren’t sociopaths. We feel. We have empathy.

KB22
KB22
2 years ago
Reply to  LovedAJackass

I know, sometimes I have to catch myself. When someone says to me so & so will feel so bad or guilty about whatever infraction they may have committed, I always respond “more than likely they won’t feel bad or guilty”. They just aren’t wired like the rest of us. Or when you find yourself bending over backwards trying to make someone understand that wrongdoing has been committed…they know, they just don’t care. When we find ourselves (I’m excluding those that play the perpetual victim) explaining to a spouse, partner, friend or even family member how they hurt us, a bell should go off and we should walkaway. A normal, caring person will (without explanation) recognize they hurt us and will try to make amends.

chumpedchange
chumpedchange
2 years ago
Reply to  KB22

YES. When ” good people do bad things” like lie/cheat/steal- it makes them into bad people

KB22
KB22
2 years ago
Reply to  KB22

Oh and as for the police. They should be made aware that any domestic situation where one person is extremely upset and the other is calm, cool, collected and jovial, is a major red flag that more than likely the latter person is the problem. Who stays calm and makes jokes with the police during a domestic disturbance situation?

CakeEater'sDaughter
CakeEater'sDaughter
2 years ago
Reply to  KB22

YES!

Rarity
Rarity
2 years ago

My ex tells people that I’m “psycho” and “dangerous.”

I’ve got two degrees, a certificate, and am working on a PhD.

He flunked out of college and once made me throw out a stuffed cat because he said it had a demon in it.

But sure, I’m the crazy one.

The gaslighting is real, y’all.

Getting There
Getting There
2 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Your educational level of attainment has zero bearing on whether you’d be “psycho” or not, it is elitist to believe otherwise. Having mental health issues does not automatically mean you must be uneducated or unintelligent and vice versa.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
2 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Ex said as much about the ex girlfriend (not AP) on whom he cheated with now-wife. It was the reason why our daughter could not go to *their* house for his half of her spring break (he was shacked up with now-wife in the middle of COVID, for fuck’s sake). He claimed the environment was not safe, the girlfriend was unstable/dangerous. (Oh really?) Texted her after the fact to apologize for the dissolution and thanked her for being kind to my daughter (didn’t know her well, but I knew that much). We ended up getting together and sharing some very disturbing information about this man. He try to lie to me about wanting to protect his daughter from the “instability” of this woman so he could essentially erase her after she was a part of our child’s life for nearly two years. I saw it for what it was and called him out on his bullshit, even when he copied the poor ex girlfriend on the accusatory/attempted intimidation email. He also had the gall to copy the now-wife on this shit (she, a counselor!) so everyone could behold his “truth”. None of this kind of action is an accident or could be explained in any other way other than they are trying to control the reality in which they are ever the villain…only so they can continue their villainous behavior! These are sick and manipulative people. They do not value others beyond what they can sap from them and will never stop doing what they want at the expense of others.

KB22
KB22
2 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

They always accuse you of what they are guilty of…

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

Such a frightening situation.

Many of us who survived, will never know how close we came to that fate.

ReDefiningMe
ReDefiningMe
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

I haven’t posted in several years, but this video has me struggling – as with many of us – it is far too close to our lived reality. YES to so much of what has been said – the calm, charming abuser almost mocking his sobbing hysterical victim – what kind, healthy man DOES that? This sweet, broken girl blaming herself – so trembling and afraid – I knew CL and CN would be able to share in how I am feeling today.

I remember during my decade with the exH – all the same behaviors – his public charm, my tears; feeling “crazy” after being abused and gaslighted; the complete fascination my exH had with the Chandra Levy case. He LOVED that case, because every day he would be rooting for the KILLER! He would make comments every morning over breakfast, “Have they found her body yet? I’ll be they never will! Wonder how he did it? You know he’ll get away with it?”…Yeah, I so don’t miss that shit.

The message was clear. Someday, that would be me. And he would get away with it. And laugh. He did eventually leave us (I had two toddlers when he did); but here at CN, there is often talk of what the next woman or OW “inherits”. I almost feel sorry for the new wife, I’m guessing he’s having fun at breakfast with her this week… “I heard they found her body. Wonder how he did it? You know he’ll get away with it.” And he’ll be sadistically enjoying her terror. Nope, nothing to miss at all.

Don’t look back folks. Celebrate being free. Find and revel in your “Meh.” My oldest just left for college, and despite some wounds and scars, she is strong and kind and brave. She will see through bullshit and help others. My son is in high school. He also bears a few scars (he was only 2 when exH left), but is an sweet, huge-hearted kid, funny kid. There are benefits to a total discard, and our ability to move forward has been a blessing.

So grateful for CN and CL for being a safe place when the ghosts pop up – much rarer these days, but this story is a tough one. May God bless this sweet girl and her family – and may change continue to rise. Hugs to all.

Carol39
Carol39
2 years ago

I couldn’t even watch that video. So triggering. My ex did exactly that for years and years–made everyone think I was crazy. He even made me think I was crazy. I found an email recently that I wrote to my pastor after I found out about my ex’s cheating and he finally admitted it. I said, “He had me thinking I must be mentally ill and that’s why I didn’t trust him. He even got me put on meds for depression because of it! And then it turns out I was right the whole time. He got me MEDICATED because I suspected he was cheating–and he was cheating!”

Sadly, the pastor responded very much like the police seem to in this video, “You need to calm down. He’s not that bad, blah blah blah.” And soon it became all about how my PTSD was preventing me from forgiving him and moving on.

It’s funny how much saner I feel now that I’m away from my ex and that pastor!

NotANiceChump
NotANiceChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Carol39

I keep thinking, imagine a world in which, instead of being told to “calm down,” women in states of panic like Gabby are instead told “We want to hear your story and make sure you’re safe. When you’re able to tell us your story, please let us know and we can see how to best help.”

Brit
Brit
2 years ago
Reply to  NotANiceChump

I haven’t watched the entire video but I did catch a segment of it today where Laundrie and the Officer are bumping fists, smiling, in a “manly” bonding moment.

The Officers were told by dispatch that Laundrie had been hitting Gabby before they pulled them over.

I hope these Officers lose their jobs.

Elsie
Elsie
2 years ago

Yes, I’m not seeing my therapist at this point, but I’m sure that she would have some interesting insights.

She did tell me when I was “staying well” to take myself to the ER or call a friend to help if he ever beat me up because the police might or might not grasp that he was the abuser. If there were injuries, the ER would document that, and it could be used in court. If the police came, they might blame me.

He also told his family that I was crazy and dangerous. I had lunch with one of the SIL’s over a year after he left, and her husband (his brother) hovered nearby in case I went off. Really? I actually had a mutual friend come as well so I’d have a witness because I knew that they had been given all kinds of false information. Well, they didn’t believe me in the end, but I knew that they’d side with him regardless. I did relate my side of it.

I do hope there are people out there who will think this tragic story through and apply it to their own situation.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
2 years ago
Reply to  Elsie

Your therapist is/was very smart:
“She did tell me when I was ‘staying well’ to take myself to the ER or call a friend to help if he ever beat me up because the police might or might not grasp that he was the abuser. If there were injuries, the ER would document that, and it could be used in court. If the police came, they might blame me.”

That advice has a world of history in it. We don’t need to defund the police. We need to re-educate them on so many aspects of human behavior.

Chumpkins
Chumpkins
2 years ago
Reply to  LovedAJackass

>We don’t need to defund the police.

Agreed. It’s a pity that idea got so much focus, when many who want reform wouldn’t go that far. But I agree that police unions aren’t a good influence, and maybe we should go back to the days when they weren’t allowed. It’s often the union behind some cop getting a light sentence for shock brutality.

CakeEater'sDaughter
CakeEater'sDaughter
2 years ago

Excuse if this is duplicative; my prior comment was “unapproved” for some reason.

Thank you, CL for the education that enabled this reader to at least recognize “discard phase” and “spackle” instantly.

Poor kid; trying to make everything look perfect on social media while being emotionally abused. Social media and spackle…partners made in hell.

For sure, dude’s parents HAD to know something was “off.” LONG before this.

May this tragedy at least educate many, many others.

MehBeSoon
MehBeSoon
2 years ago

An analysis of this video should be required viewing for everyone, but especially LEOs, therapists, health providers, etc. In just the first few minutes, we see her taking the blame for just about everything (internalizing his gas lighting and emotional abuse) — and even more telling, he takes NO accountability for anything (in addition to making her seem unstable, he says, “I’m sorry IF I was speeding…”).

This is how abusers work. They destabilize their victims, and then calmly sit back and say “see how she is overreacting….” and the narrative shifts to our reactions rather than their actions. The enablers buy this BS, further traumatizing the victims and also making it less likely they will ask for help next time.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
2 years ago

I too have been captivated by this story. I think it is because I have a 21 year old daughter the same age who looks similar and lives a long way away so we communicate via Facetime. She doesn’t have a boyfriend but she does have a creepy boyfriend wanabe/stalker (lives in another city and doesn’t have her address, thankfully). I get concerned when I don’t hear from her for a few days.

Anyway, one thing I noticed in the bodycam footage was the fact that Gabby herself was self-blaming. Asshole had her convinced that she was the problem for being so unreasonable as to ask him to wipe his feet before he got in the van and make him stop when the cops pulled them over. I remember well what it was like to try and call ex out on anything only to end up apologizing to him in the end. Meanwhile the cops thought they were kind for not arresting Gabby for assaulting him even though the original 911 call clearly indicated that it was the male assaulting the female. Maybe he had a few scratches, but you know who else leaves scratches, women being raped and murdered.

Despite my own captivation, I also can’t help but notice that when it’s a young, white, good looking young lady the whole country pays attention. There are thousands of people who to missing every year and nobody cares. If Gabby had been black would this story have gotten so much attention? Possibly, there are aspects of this case that make it particularly captivating beyond the attractiveness of the girl, but then again, maybe not. What about that couple murdered in the vicinity of the traffic stop a few days later? Nobody cared until it was speculated that there may have been a connection to the missing Gabby case. Once it was put out there that the cases were unlikely to be related, everybody forgot about them again. Don’t they deserve justice too? Don’t their family members also deserve answers? Shouldn’t that one also be all over the news in case somebody somewhere might have seen something or have taken a photo that might help solve the case? There was also a guy who went missing in the Teton’s about the same time Gabby went missing. Does anyone care?

That being said, I am glad they found Gabby. I am sorry they didn’t find her alive. I hope the alligators got Brian.

portia
portia
2 years ago

I think your comment about Gabby reminding you of your daughter resonates with many of us. I had younger sisters. They were both in need of protection, in my opinion, when I left home. I told them to call me if they needed me, and I would come. I don’t know how I could have kept a promise like that, since I had no money, but when they called in their late teens, I somehow arranged to get both of them out of harms way. By that time, even my mother had to acknowledge that Dad was getting progressively worse (she was a great spackler), and fortunately mom was working, so she got the older one accepted into college and paid for it. That sister stayed with me until college started that fall. The youngest came to me after her junior year, and lived with me to finish high school and start college on an early admission program. Mother paid for her college as well. Finally, when both girls graduated, mother started planning her own escape.

I know now my mother was an enabler, who never sought assistance to fix her core problems, but did have enough gumption to rebel in a French Underground way, pretending to comply while conducting underground rescue missions. I was raised to be an enabler, but sought help. My sisters were confused. No surprise, I know. It took them several young years of life to experiment and learn that all boys are not safe, not dependable, and some will hurt you. These were hard years for us all, because I was a caring sister, but they didn’t want me to be “like a mother.” They didn’t want to believe the hard lessons life was teaching them, because they had been taught to believe in a dream which didn’t actually exist. That time of life is so difficult and dangerous to negotiate if you come from a dysfunctional FOO background.

We cannot control the stories the media promotes. There are so many cases of wrongful death and domestic violence that it must be overwhelming to news outlets. As more people of diverse backgrounds get into the media, and as more white people get educated by reality instead of the sanitized history we were taught as children, perhaps this will change.

I watched a news segment about people taking trips to “Mayberry” to see the sights of a small southern town represented on the Andy Griffith show. They were all seeking a way of life that did not exist, except on a television set. There were almost no people of color in the show. These visitors said they missed the values and lessons learned with that show. It was a pleasant but completely unrealistic representation of a time in the past. If you read southern literature, even the white authors present a much different reality in their stories. The lesson here is not to believe what you want to be true, believe what is actually true.

Informal
Informal
2 years ago

I have a brother that has been missing since 05. He’s a white male that had a record of drugs and rehab so it was completely swept away. They didn’t pursue anything but did tell me a person they were monitoring was in the area the day one time he disappeared. They were scared of this group of people.
Both my parents have passed away without knowing what happened to him. Every time there are reports of finding remains, I contact them to see if it is him. He has three daughters without a dad with one getting married in a few weeks and I heard it’s affecting her to where she wants therapy.
He lived with my dad who came home with the door open and his ID left behind. He kept telling me that the computer was still on and what I realized he meant was that it hadn’t gone into sleep mode so he wasn’t gone long before my dad got home. I think this haunted him. Did he pass him on his way in? He lived on a lot of property with ponds and my brother would walk a lot through that and we searched the best we could always looking for birds circling just in case he had gotten hurt or bitten and couldn’t get back.
Anyway, there are a lot of missing persons unaccounted for with law enforcement sometimes not giving a damn due to preconceived notions.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
2 years ago
Reply to  Informal

I am sorry for your loss and not knowing what happened must be awful.

Karmeh
Karmeh
2 years ago

I don’t know this story but I will look it up.

My ex was a master at winding me up , making me cry or get angry and he would sit calm as a clam and say look at the state of you , you need help.

His motto was he was SO laid back everything just had to be my fault as look who was the angry /upset one .

I did even while dating go to therapy for my anger issues to be told by a qualified therapist I don’t have anger issues but I could express my emotions better . I told him and he laughed and said “yeah she doesn’t live with you I do and I know you’ve got anger issues it’s because you were brought up by scum (my dad) then put in care”

That shit mucks up your head .

Marathon Chump
Marathon Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  Karmeh

Shakespeare said, in Hamlet, “One can smile, and smile, and be a villain.” Laundrie seems like that kind of villain. At the very least, his abandoning her in the wilderness alone and taking away the only shelter she had by stealing her van, should be prosecuted as manslaughter, even if they can’t find any more incriminating evidence on her body or in the van.

I had a controlling boyfriend who actually worked as a therapist (!!), who I broke up with for repeatedly trying to gas-light me. We both met in our forties. I loved him and his kids, and our friends all liked eachother. His behavior with others was so smooth, so measured, so positive, that only his other exes understood or would believe what he was like in private. He was very influential in my community, very respected and liked.
Almost from the beginning of our relationship, he would frequently mis-report things that he or I had said earlier, and always in a way that tended to give him control over me in some way. If I spoke up, he would then imply that it was my memory at fault! It became so disorienting and frightening, but part of me was not fooled, smelled a rat. I began to insist that, at the first sign of conflict about anything important, we would switch to e-mail–no more in-person or telephone arguments, I would just walk away or change the subject. That flummoxed him! He was so used being able to create a fog of confusion in the mind of his girlfriends by making them doubt their senses and memories, and suddenly he was being prevented from doing that. And amazing how switching to email miraculously cleared up my supposed “memory problems”!
I was also afraid of what he might do when I began to make up my mind to break up with him–he had a lot of influence, and was strong and angry. Eventually I turned his gas-lighting on it’s head. Every criticism of me that he had made, I lined up in an email, saying that I knew he needed and deserved a woman who had all the X,Y, and Z qualities he had found lacking in me, and that the only unselfish and truly loving thing for me to do was to set him free to find a woman who was worthy of him.

It was a masterpiece of bullshit but it got me free. His return email was hilarious–he tried to backtrack on all his gas-lighting criticisms, by saying that I didn’t lack those qualities in any other area of my life, only with him, so he was willing to work with it!

But seriously, his gas-lighting would have turned me into a basket case if I had met him as young as Gabby Petito. I was hoping that she would be found alive, and would be able to testify against Laundrie.

DigitalChump
DigitalChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Marathon Chump

<<THIS!!

I moved to phone calls and emails especially after D-Day and during the "pick me" phase. If we were arguing in person many times I ended up just leaving the house; I would get so hopping mad and/or breakdown in tears from his circular arguments, gaslighting and the endless interruptions. Then when I returned, I would be reprimanded for running away and told I was a sore loser. The communication methods I learned in therapy years before never worked; It's useless to use "I feel" statements with someone who has zero empathy.

Gabby Petito may be alive today if the officers who "determined" she had a mental health issue took her into custody and admitted her to a hospital for a pysch hold. Instead it was used as an excuse to alleviate them of responsibility. Moving money to other services where they are educated and trained for domestic abuse is not de-funding, it's reallocating resources to where they are needed.

RaffNoMore
RaffNoMore
2 years ago

As a now Health Education teacher to HS students I teach a unit on unhealthy relationships and use this website and link: https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/ As I go over the signs of an unhealthy relationship I am triggered when I teach because EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE was in my marriage to the narcissitic sociopath! I never knew! Now I am trying to get a bunch of already at risk students (poor students in bad neighborhoods) to understand what is a healthy relationship. I feel like a hypocrite. I am profoundly saddened that this young woman did not have this information. I am sad that I didn’t and all the people on this website who didn’t. Gabby Petito didn’t need to die. Yeardley Love didn’t need to die, and all the others out there who, if they had only known. Spread the word to your daughters (and sons too) Chump Nation!

NotANiceChump
NotANiceChump
2 years ago
Reply to  RaffNoMore

Thank you for this resources! I work on teaching these concepts to my daughter but this list is a great tool to consolidate all of these red flags.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago

In 1988, when my live-in boyfriend, who had moved out (cheating) came back and beat the crap out of me, the officers who responded to my call asked me if I wanted to have him arrested. I said no, that I just wanted my stuff back that he took and I never wanted to see him again. Later that evening I drove myself to the hospital. My car was a stick shift. My left foot, the clutch foot, was broken. I remember using my heel to depress the clutch and screaming every time I had to shift gears.

The law in California was changed so that officers automatically arrest and the decision to arrest no longer involves the parties of a DV call.

That law was changed because of Nicole Brown Simpson.

And I am struck by the fact that jillions of women, all over the world, of all colors, from all economic circumstances, since the dawn of time, before and since this viral video, have been in Gabby’s position and I am wondering why none of them have garnered this kind of attention…..

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago

On Dr. Phil yesterday, the guest was Gabby’s father. During the extensive interview, he told Dr. Phil that in order to assert his dominance over her boyfriends, he assigned them a feminized version of their names as a nickname. His nickname for Brian Laundrie was “Briana”.

The hair stood up on the back of my necks listening to this man. This is power and control. I heard the Male Role Belief System alive and well in his interview. I’m sorry to say listening to him, with my my own education about domestic violence as a victim interested in breaking the cycle, it seemed to
me that, like many of us, she partnered with a man like her father……

BeenThereandWasAChump
BeenThereandWasAChump
2 years ago

Oh no!!! That makes my heart hurt!! Unfortunately so many of us were ‘groomed’ at home from a very early age. So sad.

Letgo
Letgo
2 years ago

I always think that a person smiling in the middle of chaos is a sociopath. If you look at bad criminals when they are arrested they smile. This gave me the creeps. I hope the family sues the hell out of those cops. I know we are way too much of a litigious society but there’s a dead girl and I hold those cops responsible along with that idiot that was with her.

Letgo
Letgo
2 years ago
Reply to  Letgo

I also think this is probably something folks in the black community deal with all the time. Being dismissed.

Letgo
Letgo
2 years ago
Reply to  Letgo

Autocorrect decided to remove the capital B.

Schrodinger’s Chump
Schrodinger’s Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  Letgo

Wow, that’s an example of systemic racism right there.

Newlady15
Newlady15
2 years ago

My ex did this shit too. I looked crazy while he was calm ( like a snake). The police weren’t involved until he stalked me which was short lived. I agree with the statement this shit needs to change. My sister who we believe has an undiagnosed mental illness was arrested on suspicion of DUI. In a town about 2 hours from her home and she knew no one there, at night. What did they do—impounded her vehicle and kicked her onto the street. I heard about it from my other sister and had to convince her by phone to go to a hotel for the night. Thanks pigs. By the way my sister rarely drinks anything so it was more likely a mental health crisis and she was on the streets with no vehicle and no place to stay. Cops putting women at risk—ALL THE TIME!!!

Quetzal
Quetzal
2 years ago

I’ve had neighbors come ring our doorbell when I ended up screaming at him at night, because he would literally stonewall me. Put his earphones in and refused to acknowledge my presence.

Years later, same neighbor (whom I’d never actually seen) is the electrician at my house and tells me all about the previous inhabitants of my apartment who used to yell in the middle of the night. He didn’t realize or fathom it was me.

I used to think at the time, as well, “here are these people concerned about noise and not the safey of a woman potentially being in danger”. I wasn’t in immediate danger, but I could have been. They surely didn’t think I was, just based on the fact they could only hear me.

Angrychump
Angrychump
2 years ago

Yesterday I happened on social media to accidentally stumble across some pictures of a party held an by ex-friend. In the picture, which was my ex-best friend’s small child’s birthday, her and her family were happily surrounded by 1) a guy she knows raped me, 2) two men who we know are actively cheating on their spouses 3) another man who’s partner left him after she found out he slept with prostitutes. Somehow, in this circle of people, I was the one whose morality was so questionable she needed to be ostracised from the circle. I needed to get over things, move on, not bring up the past and most importantly shield these men from consequences. The men get to swan about abusing people and being guests of honor at children’s birthday parties. I get to stay home and think about what I’ve done. It boggles my mind how this woman I knew since we were teenagers seemingly happily upholds her ‘perfect’ life by concealing the lies and crimes of the men around her — meanwhile I am painted as a lunatic and morally bankrupt person because I told her that she could no longer rely on me to keep their secrets. Feeling pretty angry today. I know that the best medicine is to ignore these folk, but sometimes I want to reach out and blow up their sham-perfect families.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
2 years ago
Reply to  Angrychump

Ugh yes. I cut ties with my oldest friend because she wanted to stay friends with my sister’s extremely abusive ex.

You see, he is So Madly Charming! and such an asset at dinner parties!

This is after my friend had been given details about the abuse (of some 14 years’ duration) from myself and another eyewitness.

The backstory makes it more interesting. My friend and I met when I was 19. By the time I was 20, I was in a physically abusive relationship with a male friend of hers who she admired (and wanted for herself).

She knew about the abuse, and enabled it, because no one wanted to face that shit (me included).

I can forgive all of that, because we were kids back then.

But we’re not kids any more.

Marathon Chump
Marathon Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  Angrychump

Wow, that is horrifying! It has to be painful to remember who your friend was and then see what she has become. She is the morally bankrupt one, and her children’s party sounds like a Mafia reunion in the movies.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
2 years ago
Reply to  Angrychump

Yes, your morality is “questionable” to rapists, cheaters, and abusers. You have moral standards. That’s a danger to their way of life.

This is why we should not mourn losing Switzerland friends and Cheater Relatives. They are not our tribe. They are not like us.

Fern
Fern
2 years ago
Reply to  Angrychump

I’m angry too and even a bit angrier on your behalf AngryChump. That just sucks. Part of me thinks it is so unfair to be left out but a bigger part of me knows you are far better off alone than with these nightmare people. At least alone you are open to a world of potential, the way forward is not cluttered with FWs. This is a great example of how no-contact is the way to a peaceful mind. Get back on that NC wagon if you can.

Sending you hugs, this shit is hard.

AngryChump
AngryChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Fern

Thank you! Might need to come off social media for a while as friends of friends stuff can break the NC piece of mind.

YoungChump
YoungChump
2 years ago

The 911 call was just released yesterday – that witness said HE was hitting HER.
Police put her as suspect/aggressor and him as victim. Said “no one reported” he hit her.
You can see her face break when they tell her they’re not charging her that day. She knows there is no help.

SeeKay
SeeKay
2 years ago
Reply to  YoungChump

yes! this!!! even the dispatcher doesn’t seem too concerned. ugh!

WooshyM
WooshyM
2 years ago
Reply to  SeeKay

From the Washington Post: “A 911 recording recently released by the Grand County Sheriff’s Office in Utah included a caller reporting a fight between a couple with a white van that had a Florida license plate, according to audio obtained by The Washington Post.
“We drove by them, and the gentleman was slapping the girl,” the caller said. “Then we stopped. They ran up and down the sidewalk. He proceeded to hit her, hopped in the car, and they drove off.”

DBA Xena
DBA Xena
2 years ago

In the tape, she said something to the effect of ‘I can’t please him. I can’t do anything right’. And she was blaming herself for being nervous and ocd.

Classic victim of a narcissist’s ‘pick me dance’ and accepting the blameshift of being a broken fiancé appliance. Happens to all races, income levels, and nationalities. I can’t fix what happened in the Middle East, a city, or even Gabby. But together, we can make a difference. Put on our Bitch Boots.

Wormfree
Wormfree
2 years ago

I dared to complain about his girlfriend, and therefore I was taken for a ride by my ex. First he took my cell phone then he punched me in the head several times and told me only one of us was going to come back. I jumped out of the car at a stop sign, ran across several lanes of traffic to a truck stop. I tried to call the police but I couldn’t get their phone to work, I was so upset. I went to the bathroom to wash my face. He came strolling into the bathroom calm as could be, smiling, placed the car keys on the sink and walked away like I was the crazy one. He walked 3 miles home. Took his car and slept somewhere else because I wouldn’t let him in the house.
Next day I let him back in.
I saw that same smiling face when Brian was talking to the police officers and I guarantee you that Gabby went back for more. We need to have a conversation about how abuse can change your brain chemistry. You can’t think rationally. It’s like an addiction and the only way out is total detox. I don’t know what the answer is but we need to start moving in a different direction or more tragedies like this will happen.

NotAnymore
NotAnymore
2 years ago
Reply to  Wormfree

I’m so sorry that happened to you Wormfree. What a POS.

Before I was in my shoes, I always thought I would leave. I never understood or had any empathy to anyone who “let” themselves be mistreated.

Now I know better. You are like a frightened animal that freezes. You stop functioning, you can only survive. You can’t see past your own nose. There is no money to survive on your own, or take care of kids on your own.

My best advice to young women is: always have a job, always have your own separate money. File taxes separately. Never have a joint checking account. Have an emergency fund. Otherwise when push comes to shove you’ll have no options to free yourself.

Wormfree
Wormfree
2 years ago
Reply to  NotAnymore

They really need to get people who have been abused and have escaped together with people who are being abused.
I believe only they understand that it’s like an addiction.

Magamcmeh
Magamcmeh
2 years ago

Followed this story all weekend. I was arrested after my x chased me and my son to my car, tried to get my keys through an open window, tried to brake the window; I hit him in the nose to make him release my window.
(Side note his finger prints where on the window a week later, the experts I took the car too said that never happens especially in a dry climate, finger prints oils evaporate sooner; he was grabbing the open window that hard.). ( This after firing a gun in our house, in way that the bullet could of struck me, “by accident” which led me to actually file for divorce originally.)

I was considered the abuser, arrested and having never had a restraining order before, tried to contact my sick 5 year old son, by phone and was arrested again as I broke the restraining order. Arrested two more time due to the same.
The only witness was my 5 year old son, whom was going to have to testify in court……after being deemed competent to testify.
The cops never even questioned the narrative my x gave, “explain it to the judge”. IT BROKE ME! Opened up an avenue for x to gain custody after a two year custody battle; cause ya know I was an abuser!

I recognized with Gabby’s police stop instantly what was going on and I just knew this asshole was the abuser. I think that’s why I followed so closely….I pray everyday police get the paper training they need, the narrative MUST change! In addition young people MUST be better educated about what is abuse and what is not.
RIP G.

Susannah
Susannah
2 years ago
Reply to  Magamcmeh

Were you able to get your son back?

WalkawayWoman
WalkawayWoman
2 years ago

This is timely for me since I just finished reading Tarana Burke’s memoir, Unbound. I’m sure a lot of CN is familiar with Tarana Burke. She is the founder of the “me too” movement, a survivor of childhood sexual violence and also (which I didn’t realize prior to reading the book) a chump and a survivor of relationship violence.
The OP brings up how attractive white women when they are victims often get centered in media coverage and public discourse, while Black, brown, and LGBTQ folks are marginalized.
I’m a white, straight woman. I speak English with no accent. I enjoy white privilege every day. I’ve gotten pulled over by cops and let off with a warning. It’s always assumed I belong in whatever place I find myself. I’m given an amount of goodwill that’s rarely, if ever, extended to minorities.
And yet.
I’m an immigrant. I have three grown children, two sons and a daughter, who are half Black (and thus seen as, and largely identify as, Black). If my sons were to get into a dispute with their white girlfriends and the police were called, guess who would go to jail? If my beautiful daughter went missing, would her disappearance get as much traction in media, her being a person of color?
Thank you, CL, for running this letter. I’m hoping Black, brown and LGBTQ members of CN will weigh in. It’s important for us white folks to listen better.

Hbean100
Hbean100
2 years ago

https://www.deseret.com/utah/2021/9/20/22684359/i-can-still-hear-her-voice-arches-park-ranger-warned-gabby-petito-relationship-seemed-toxic-brian

Interesting article, a female park ranger also spoke to Gabby. She saw the relationship wasn’t right but obviously didn’t think Gabby was in immediate danger. So sad for yet another victim of an abusive partner.

Stig
Stig
2 years ago
Reply to  Hbean100

I read this, and the ranger was regretful that she didn’t tell Gabby to leave him. The trouble is people give advice but no support or what to do if they do decide to do that. I do think that Gabby did tell Brian she was leaving him, and that’s why she ended up where she did. It’s always the most dangerous time when people leave a partner with predisposition towards controlling coercive narratives and behaviour, when the person feels they are losing control of the person or situation they have been controlling and their behaviour escalates to try and keep that person in their ‘place’. I saw an article where someone mentioned Brian had talked about hearing voices and not being able to sleep, which is troubling in itself, but her friends also talked about his manipulating, controlling side. I think she’d had enough and said it was over, but she didn’t count on him being that dangerous. That video is heart-breaking, whether the self-blame was the result of gaslighting or self-preservation, she was in the classic toxic relationship. I just wish she had taken the van that night and gone home to her parents, but she would never abandon him like that. Or perhaps she knew there was nowhere to go, once he made it back home the optics would have made it look like she was the bad guy and Brian would sad sausage the narrative to the hilt and perhaps the outcome would have been the same, just in an urban setting. I can only imagine what his parents are like, either so myopically entitled that they thought they could lawyer their way out of consequences, or ineffectual people who have enabled his long-standing dominating and abusive behaviour to keep the peace. I just wish the ranger had told her, we can keep you safe, what do you need right now to make this better for you, but I also think she was so gaslighted and trauma bonded that it might not have helped. We need police protocols in place, female cops sent to these situations and text lines where the person can text an innocuous coded comment to a number that automatically sends emergency services or starts tracing their phone, until help is reached, adn extensive training in high and middle schools around toxic and abusive relationships. If you are getting beaten you know you are in a bad relationship, but there are so many more insidious types of abuse that are as if not more psychologically damaging, although death is the ultimate bad outcome. I hope this guy and his family are brought to justice, and this conversation (although it is, as people say, in the context of the murder of a pretty white middle-class woman and we need more interesectional discourse on why different groups are viewed, treated differently when the same thing happens to them) starts looking at ways changes can be made to recognise and support victims of intimate partner violence.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  Stig

I live in a uni town where I requested a social worker to accompany the police on a call. A mentally ill woman tried to assault me as I exited the subway station. According to the cab drivers, she had been rushing people from behind for a couple of hours.

Stig
Stig
2 years ago

That’s great that you responded to the wider picture. Shameful that others were observing her distressing and distressed behaviour and doing nothing.

DineDoneDone
DineDoneDone
2 years ago

I was in the crazy making whirlpool for years. He remained inhumanity calm while I dared to express emotion, frustration. I was burning the candle at both ends with work and pretty much raising the kids on my own, and it was showing physically. He became more removed and added on hobbies and trips and fancy watches and tight clothes to fit his in shape body that he had time to work on.

Looking back, I can see now that he got a certain thrill when he could wind me up and sit back and be the “sane one”, which spun me more. I did grab his arms a couple of times, desperate to get through to him, and he used that to justify his cheating and told anyone who would listen what I’d done.

It was my brother who pointed out this patern to me 2 years after DDay. How the guy had me spinning to free himself up to add more to his life while I was preoccupied. Now the ex is doing the same thing with me and the kids, skipping out on parenting time and paying expenses. He was $4k in arrears and hadn’t bothered to see his oldest for a year, but he was the sane one while I emotionally tried to get him engage as I saw her heart ripping out on a weekly basis and descending into severe depression and self harm.

I’m seeing the pattern now. I’m accepting that I’m not the crazy one with bad behavior because I care about my kids but have been throwing myself against a brick wall for far too many years.

Thank you Chump Nation for that!

DoneDoneDone
DoneDoneDone
2 years ago

I wondered about this video. The officers do seem sensitive and caring in it, but I’m no expert on assessing domestic violence and I’m sure they feel horrible about the outcome.

A recent local article mentioned that Petito was not given the Lethality Assessment Protocol and that local departments should make this more standard.

I wonder if this incident empowered him. Look what I can get away with.

I wonder if this incident enraged him because he was humiliated in front of a bunch of men and his behavior a little exposed while she was out of his control.

I wonder how much deeper this sent her in trying to protect him from getting in trouble instead of focusing on her own well being.

Annette Holder
Annette Holder
2 years ago

I guarantee he was seething after this encounter with police. He was embarrassed and humiliated (in his eyes) in front of these other men and by her, no less. He sees her beneath him so for her to have any control at all is unacceptable for him. I’m sure things escalated from here because he was not getting past the anger and rage. That poor girl. She’s in God’s hands now and he will never hurt her again. I hope he gets what he deserves.

Informal
Informal
2 years ago
Reply to  Annette Holder

That’s exactly what I thought too. He probably spent the night in the hotel planning her demise. I feel the ex would have done the same had I called any attention to his abuse before leaving. No way was I going to get PO and piss him off by smearing his front. The shelter really pushed that but I refused. He’s a felon with a nice gun collection and if those were removed he’d find another and use it or have someone else do it more than likely since he’s also extremely wealthy. Totally without a conscience just like the book.
I also first suggested he left for self harm but may have changed my mind after thinking that some people think highly of themselves and would spend that time coming up with an excuse for the deed rather than harming themselves. I think some feel entitled rationalization for evil things as well. It’s all really sad.

Stig
Stig
2 years ago
Reply to  Informal

I’m so sorry you were in such a terrible situation, but glad you followed your instincts about your own ex-partner’s mind-set.

Yep, I think he’ll try to hide out, I don’t think he’s the sort to suicide. He’ll have justified it in his mind to himself and his parents, that she drove him to it by disrespecting him so much that he snapped.

BeenThereandWasAChump
BeenThereandWasAChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Stig

I think they helped him get out of the country and then led the police on a wild goose chase with the whole ‘camping’ thing.

Stig
Stig
2 years ago

Agree, they’ve fed the Feds false info.

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
2 years ago

Good God, this brings back memories. Not good ones.

Cheater #1 pulled this crap, too. I distinctly remember the night I returned to our jointly owned house to pick up some of my possessions, having moved out three weeks before. He taunted me repeatedly, trying to get me to react. I tried ignoring him. He finally escalated and grabbed my arm to turn me toward him to “get me to listen”. I shouted “Don’t ever touch me!” and pushed him away. Just the reaction he wanted – he proceeded to lock himself in the bathroom and call the cops on the crazy STBX (me).
I went out to the driveway to meet them. Two officers arrived and one talked to me and the other to Cheater #1, all out of ear shot of each other. (Gee, kinda sounds familiar, like the video…..) I told the officer we were separated, I had C#1’s permission to get some things and he was provoking me. I did admit that physical force had taken place, but C#1 had initiated it. Officer nodded and took notes.

Partner came out from talking with C#1 and exchanged notes with the officer I talked to. Both came back (C#1 was also in the driveway at this point) and said to us it was “he said, she said” situation and they really couldn’t do anything. At that point, I rolled up my sleeve to show the officers the perfect hand print on my upper arm where C#1 had grabbed me. Short story, he ended up in the back of the patrol car. Charges: domestic abuse and public drunkeness. They were dropped later. (insert eye roll here)

Footnote: C#1 did eventually end up in the county lock up after his third (!!!) DUI. To date, he’s had five that I know of. Yep, but I’m the crazy ex-wife. /sarcasm

Schrodinger’s Chump
Schrodinger’s Chump
2 years ago

I agree with everything you said, CL. However, training to recognize the signs of domestic violence will only go fo far because as many as 40% of police forces are documented domestic abusers themselves. The police exist to uphold the existing white male power structure. This is another example of why many are calling to defund the police. It’s not that the police don’t understand or recognize domestic violence. They do. They choose to look away because they identify with the male abuser more than the female victim. If we want to end domestic violence, men need to step up and call out their friends when they are being jerks (or worse) to women. Men in positions of power need to give a shit when a woman is mistreated by a man. They need to stop uttering phrases such as “boys will be boys” to excuse shit behavior. They need to not leap up to scream “not all men” when a woman shares her truth about abuse or rape. Of course it’s “not all men” but even one man is too much, and one man is all it takes to snuff out a woman’s life.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago

It was a man that phoned to report Brian slapping Gabbie. A good man.

portia
portia
2 years ago

I am not certain, in a scientific way, that my gut instinct about this is correct. However, I believe this seemingly never ending story is about power. This power disparity produces an very inconvenient truth.

When one gender, and color, has all the power — they create and write the laws, and decide what is socially acceptable — then all other colors of people, and the opposite gender will always be on the losing end because they have no power.

If I had not been educated and able to work to support myself, and allowed to work, I would not have been able to escape living life at a FW’s discretion. My father tried to control me with force and economic starvation. My children’s dad tried to control me with his income superiority. The love bomber tried to convince me to fully mingle my home, cars, bank accounts, and money with him — he had nothing to contribute, and nothing to lose. He used emotional blackmail.

In every single relationship, my refusal to accept my “place” as a subordinate in the relationship is where the relationship fell apart. If they had power over me, they could control me. If I had my own source of power, I could resist.

Unfortunately, there are many white males , and smug white females, in the world who do not want to believe in the inequity of power dynamic. I have two white sons who often could not see why I did things I did, until much later in their lives. They wanted Dad to be happy, so that we could have fun, and they did not see what sacrifices I would have to make for their dad to be “happy”. After we were divorced, and they started to experience their dad putting his “happiness” over promises to them, and expecting them to make sacrifices so that he could be “happy” did my sons start to understand. Their white male privilege did not extend if it stood in their father’s way, because he had power and they did not. My son’s started viewing my struggle much differently, because they finally felt what it was like not to be believed, and not to have the economic wherewithal to do what you need to do.

When I was a child, my mother handled most of the discipline, but sometimes my father was called in to correct some childhood misdemeanor in a more memorable way. I was spanked until I cried, and then shaken until I was able to “dry it up.” My mother would stand by and say “That’s enough” until the punishment would stop. I do not dispute that some form of discipline is needed to set boundaries for children, and most of the time my mother’s disciplinary action was fair and reasonable. But when she felt overwhelmed, she reverted to the discipline of her childhood, and accepted this form of terror and control as reasonable. I never believed it was necessary or reasonable, and I did not use it with my children. I am not perfect, sometimes I lost my temper with my children. The difference is I apologized, and resolved to do better, My parents never apologized for discipline. They thought an apology indicated weakness.

Power, and control. Until the viewpoint changes, and the laws change, and until the enforcers of the law change, those without power and control will always be cast as “crazy” and “out of control” and requiring “disciplinary action.” Young women who grow up with the expectation that the men in their life will protect them and care for them, and support them and be good to them are bound to be disappointed. Some of them are bound to die for non-compliance, for being out of control.

If you stand up for yourself, and if you are goaded into emotional response (tears, anger) you appear to be the trouble maker and “crazy” or irrational. Other people who believe the “man” should be in charge, and believe the calm, charming act will support his version of reality. For instance, everyone knows how “hysterical” women get during their menstrual cycle or menopause. The word hysteria originates from the Greek word for uterus, so women are considered crazy because they are women. How Very Convenient.

Theresa
Theresa
2 years ago
Reply to  portia

This ‘bitches be crazy’ approach was used on me when I had just had our child and he was gaslighting me about his cheating while complaining to the mother’s helpers that I was acting irrationally about the baby, being ‘so mean’ and that he had to leave me because I was totally unreasonable. I ended up going into a care home (terified there was something really wrong with me that I just couldn’t see, and that I would be commited and/or lose my baby) for a while with the baby as I couldn’t work out what the fuck was going o. The counsellers were telling me my anxiety was making me overly controlling and rigid when I was standing up for myself against his undermining, and he sat there all smug and smiley at the diversionary tactics that he’d employed to take the attention off what he had been doing. When it came out about the other woman in the background, those counsellors noped out of there like their lives depended on it. If I’d been in the mind to, I probably could have put in a complaint, but it was my taste of how disempowering it was to be stigmatized as the ‘crazy one’ in situations like this, and how quickly things can take a trip into the weeds when someone has malicious intent but can look totally sane with it.

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
2 years ago

The police are not our friends. When they showed up at my house when called by a terrified child, they were worse than useless and FW was emboldened.

I don’t trust them as far as I can throw them.

Hcard
Hcard
2 years ago

Until therapy, I had no name, no reference for these behaviors. I knew I felt bad, sad, upset etc. but it was no different than how my FOO treated me. Now it’s so obvious to me, I’m shocked I missed it, was “it”. The crazy crybaby. The more I know the luckier I feel, to have survived. Literally to still be alive. Abusers only have to murder you once, don’t count on lack of prior violence, to feel safe.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago

And somebody called 911, reporting Brian SLAPPING her which precipitated the cops pulling over their van to do a welfare check. So they knew he hit her but let him go and suggested he get a hotel room, not her ?! ???????? Cuffs should have been put on him and a phone call to her parents and stepparents.
Dr. Phil did a previously recorded show before Gabby’s body was found and her father said she didn’t have any mental health problems. I bet Brian is the one that planted the OCD seed in Gabby’s mind. Dr. Todd Grande on YouTube mentioned that one of Gabby’s female friends said Brian had a history of hearing voices so he’s the one with dangerous mental health problems. Schizophrenia or paranoid personality disorder ?

Chumpkins
Chumpkins
2 years ago

>I bet Brian is the one that planted the OCD seed in Gabby’s mind.

I bet you’ve nailed it.

Brit
Brit
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpkins

I agree,
I found the video of Gabby upsetting and painful to watch, as it triggered memories I hadn’t thought of in years. I remember pleading for ex to go to therapy with me. Ex said he was afraid for me and concerned for my mental well being, that I should know, if we’d go to therapy the therapist would see that I was crazy and have me put away.
I believed him and was afraid to seek help.
Ex had me convinced I was crazy. Then I found Chump Nation.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago

And Grande addressed Brian’s control issues.
Her body was exposed to the elements (weather and wildlife) for a few weeks so cause of death will be hard to determine.

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
2 years ago

Thank you for this discussion. All of us that have been through this recognize the truth – that Gabby is the victim of a narcissist, that she’s been gaslighted, emotionally and probably physically abused. She’s desperate, she’s frustrated, she’s scared, and she’s young. She doesn’t know how to ask for help, he has her so confused and so beaten down.

I wasn’t physically abused over the 26 year marriage (well, a few shoves and arm twists) but I do recall trying to get him to flat out hit me. I wanted that physical representation of everything he did to me emotionally. I understand why people cut. I never did it myself but I see the benefit of using physical pain to free one from emotional pain. But I digress.

I’m grateful that there is this community that understands this, and maybe somehow we can make a difference in the policing community so that as first responders they aren’t also abusing the actual victim, like in this case. When she is crying, and the cop asks “Why are you crying, there’s no reason to cry, is there?” I wanted to scream. She was never going to be able to tell the reality. She knew that he had no understanding and that the cops weren’t able to protect her. What a lonely feeling.

It was her van, so I understand why she was left with the van. It was also her transportation. If only there was some intervention from someone who could tell her to block him and drive far away.

All the comments on social media point to 2 realities: Those that recognize abuse and those that don’t.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpNoMore

“I wasn’t physically abused over the 26 year marriage (well, a few shoves and arm twists) ”

Sounds to me like you were physically abused. I’m so sorry this happened to you.

You don’t have to reach a particular critical mass of incidents, or be hit in a particular way, to be able to say you were physically abused.

If there’s been unwanted physical contact designed to intimidate, coerce or control you, that’s physical abuse.

It’s really common for survivors to internalise our attacker’s world view: “I never physically abused you!” “It was just a shove!” “So I twisted your arm a couple of times – so what?”

It’s one of the many elements that helps to keep us trapped.

Stand tall. You are a survivor.

LovedAJackass.
LovedAJackass.
2 years ago

“Officers in Utah pulled over their van on Aug. 12 after it was observed speeding and hit a curb. Inside was a hyper Laundrie and hysterical Petito. Petito was crying uncontrollably as an officer approached the van.

‘At no point in my investigation did Gabrielle stop crying, breathing heavily, or compose a sentence without needing to wipe away tears, wipe her nose, or rub her knees with her hands,’ officer Daniel Robbins wrote. ” –https://www.heraldtribune.com/story/news/local/2021/09/17/footage-offers-insight-into-mental-health-gabby-petito-brian-laundrie/8376802002/

The question, of course, is what happened to make her so “uncontrollably” upset. And why Laundrie is both “hyper” and so smiley with the cops.

I give huge props to the man who called 9-1-1 to report Laundrie slapping Gabby. He saw the real Laundrie. Too bad the cops didn’t send both to a hotel and take the van to the police department and get Gabby to call her folks. Now that Gabby’s dead and Laundrie is on the run, it’s finally clear to the cops who the bad guy was. Way too little. Way too late.

ChumpaWumpa
ChumpaWumpa
2 years ago

Thank you for creating a space to discuss this case here. For anyone who has been in abusive relationships and had their abuse minimized as our safety and mental health further deteriorated, this case is extremely triggering, maddening and just sad. Especially after the 911 call released yesterday confirmed that the witness who called 911 on them in Moab clearly stated that he was hitting her. Those cops really did some mental gymnastics to make her the “aggressor.” I went down the rabbithole far enough that I watched the full hour of the bodycam and a good chunk of it is the cops laughing with Laundrie about how “crazy” women are. You know how they get — AMIRITE. I truly hope this sad tragedy creates space for more people to understand the signs that someone is stuck in an abusive relationship. Emotional abuse is horrible enough on its own, but it’s also usually the precursor to major tragedy like murder. Seeing her in that video, I just wanted to rescue her. A lot of us see prior selves in her. I’ve many times thought that my ex seriously considered killing me … he “joked” about it a lot …

CakeEater'sDaughter
CakeEater'sDaughter
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpaWumpa

My Dad “joked” about that to our Mom also. (I only learned of this decades later; at the time she choked back the pain, minimized, and spackled to try and protect us kids.)

What I do remember was when Mom accidentally took a drink that she thought was water from a glass on the dining table but it was a solvent that Dad had poured into the glass, while doing some work on the tabletop.

Mom swallowed the stuff before realizing and was understandably terrified of what the effects might be.

Dad’s reaction was flat, passive icy. “Uh huh.” No ation.

I, the kid, was the one who called the poison control center and got the info on what to do. The more I recall that incident the sicker it makes me feel.

ChumpaWumpa
ChumpaWumpa
2 years ago

Ugh, I’m so sorry. These memories are so icky. I’m glad at least Chump Lady creates a space where we don’t have people telling us again “Oh I’m sure you’re exaggerating, oh I’m sure it wasn’t that bad, oh I’m sure it was just an accident.” When you’re healing from an abusive relationship in therapy, you often have to look at why you thought that behavior was so normal and then you have admit it’s because of my parents. I’ve had to admit my dad was similar not just with my mom, but with me in very clear ways. It was threatening and any time I brought it up I was gaslighted into thinking I was being crazy, imagining things, etc. I now have enough faith in my own reality that I know what was up. When I visit my parents from now on, I stay in a hotel because that behavior continued into my adulthood as recently as three Christmases ago. YEP. I’m so tired of women having to look the other way, cover up and do PR for these assholes who needed to be in therapy weekly at minimum a long time ago.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
2 years ago

I’ve always had a very “cool head” when faced with any adversity— it’s partially why I’ve been a very successful attorney. However, when my XH escalated his abuse through lying and blameshifting and gaslighting, I reacted by becoming someone I didn’t recognize: shaking and crying and insecure—clinging to my abuser of all people! It was totally irrational but apparently a sign that I WAS being abused. My XH used my symptoms of his abuse to further abuse me! It was a terrible spiral to hell. I’d say the actual genitals on genitals wasn’t the most insidious part of XH’s abuse— it was the psychological terrorism I suffered at his hands. . . .

Thank you CL for helping me get away from that monsterous sociopath. I’m certain he would have killed me if he could have.

Last One Standing
Last One Standing
2 years ago

This. 100%.
I didn’t even look myself in the mirror anymore.
I found a video he took about 3 months after Affair #2. He was engaged in EVERYTHING above. Making me look crazy. Calling me unhinged. I called him on it—and said “I know what you’re doing. I just don’t know why”. That was 10 years ago. My fucking heart is beating so fast right now. He would corral me with his body, he would say such vitriolic things to me (e.g. be more like AP’s. If you’d been more like AP#2, I wouldn’t have cheated again, etc.). Then, when I was at my breaking point, he’d get out his phone and record me losing my fucking mind. I am so ashamed I stayed. Then, I remember the little reasons I tolerated that treatment; they call me “mom”. I know–in the soul of my bones, I KNOW–if I had left, he would have started on them. So I spackled. I deflected. I intercepted. I took the literal and figurative hits.
Then he hit one of them.
#gameovermotherfucker

This woman did not deserve it. Any person in this situation does.not.deserve.this.
We need to do better.
Period.
I need to go wash my brain again.

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
2 years ago

I was the most straight laced person you could ever meet. Never got in trouble. Had straight As. But managed to get myself a real douche of a boyfriend in my 20s. And we moved in together. And I was codependent. And he started really acting like an ass.

We decided to take a fun trip together and he told me to go ahead and book it and he’d pay me back. Then a day before we were leaving he kept picking fights with me. We ended up arguing and he laughed at me and said he wouldn’t go on the trip and I was stuck paying for it all. I lost it. But then decided to just go to bed and worry about it in the morning.

Because he didn’t get a rise enough out of me, he tried to get in bed with me. We fought and I slapped his chest out of frustration. He was a former football player… it didn’t bother him at all. But he called 911. I had never had the police called on me in my life. The police showed (it was maybe 1am) and he proceeded to tell them how I hit him. One cop walked him out of the apartment and they talked — ex boyfriend was smiling the whole time. Cop#2 stood next to me and just said “you ok?” I said “yes. I just realized that I need to get out of this and break up with him.” And he said “please get away from that guy.”

Somehow these police officers knew. It should be obvious the power difference and BEHAVIOR. There needs to be more training on this — for everyone. If the person who called 911 is grinning … that should be a red flag!

I Count
I Count
2 years ago

This case reminded me of when I left my ex after 28 years. He had been going on and on about how he thought I was poisoning him all weekend. I found out later he was saying stuff like this to my kids for MONTHS. That is when I knew he did not have my bet interest at heart. (for some reason the cheating was not enough) I wasn’t a young trusting 22 year old I was in my 50’s. When that gut feeling kicked in I secured the money to move and I left THAT DAY. Not the day after. I didn’t say a word and for months he didn’t get to know where I lived. I knew in my heart I was in real danger. No he never hit me and said that all the time. But he did pound his fists on counters, steering wheels and the rest of it.

But I had YEARS of life. I started reading about Narcs before I left. I realized him telling other people I was going to kill him he was actually thinking of hurting me. I have been in abusive after abusive relationship. I could have been her at 22. It was ALWAYS my fault due to my family or origin drilling that into my head.

I also have to join the chorus of voices. If she were not white, blond, and young would this be in the national news? If it had been a woman of color this would be no news item. That is just not ok. I hope this tragedy helps more woman get away from their abusers!