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Translate Some BS

Universal Bullshit Translator
The Universal Bullshit Translator

The Universal Bullshit Translator is not a humble machine. It’s been known to demand songs of praise after it devours bullshit. It eats a metric ton of Lebkuchen and frequently wants its quarter panels rubbed after ingesting a David Brooks essay.

But one thing the UBT can be justly proud of is all its offspring. It reads the CN interwebz and sees all the bullshit detecting, and it swells with conceit.

Whirrrp! A chip off the ol’ engine block! Whirrp!

So, today’s Friday Challenge is to elate the UBT and translate some bullshit. The world abounds with bullshit, I’m sure you won’t have any trouble finding material.

Are you co-parenting with a FW? It’s right there in your inbox. Do you still have all the RIC books you bought on Amazon? Highlight a passage or six. Did a Jesus Cheaters send you a booty call? We want to ridicule that. Do share.

Does the OW want to give you parenting advice? Did your ex say something patently moronic? “I didn’t cheat on you. I cheated on your idea that I would cheat on you.”

Feed that bullshit down the chipper shredder. Snark. Snark. And snark some more.


Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • After the first affair came to light she said: “You’re so strong and independent, I didn’t think you needed all of me.”

    Translation: You were the problem. You caused the cheating. You know that quality I always led you to believe was attractive to me and valued by me? Yeah, that was annoying, that was the problem. So you should fix that. Only, don’t fix it too much to where I have to actually do my fair share in this marriage, because that would be a problem, too. Now comfort me while I tell you about how my affair partner didn’t appreciate all I did for him.

    • I also got blamed for being too independent. He said that I didn’t really need him, but 20 year old shmoopie did. I had an infant, q 5 year old and a full time job. I definitely could have used the help, but I was so used to doing everything myself and he made every request for help seem like an inconvenience.

      • I hear you. When I was supposedly so “independent” I took our small kids to school every morning, ran my own law firm, paid all the household bills, maintained our large historic home on a half-acre plot, maintained my 100-year old office building, and was dealing to aging parents who had serious illnesses. I was only independent because I had to be, because my then-wife was occupied playing World of Warcraft 2,000 hours a year and having affairs with married men.

        • Nomar that sucks. I just don’t understand how FWs can treat their spouses so bad. How they are capable to betray without guilt.

        • Nomar. So sorry you’ve been with this FW. You were paddling upstream while FW is in back of boat chopping a hole in the floorboards. There is NO life or future with someone like her. Arrested development to the max. People like her care for NO ONE especially anyone needy. FWs often abandon when the parents age and become needy. Ask me how I know.
          You will do a million times better in life without this loser anchor weighing you down. If you decide to look for someone new, please know you are a catch and be choosy because you deserve so much better. Hugs.

          • OH MY GOD…”paddling upstream while FW is in back of boat chopping a hole in the floorboards”…this is gold…I promise not to take credit but I am totally sharing this with my family! Correct description of my ENTIRE marriage!!!

        • Ugh. A gamer. So was my FW. He often told me how strong I am. The thing is, somebody had to be and it wasn’t going to be him. These types were looking for somebody strong and independent so they could get the life they wanted- having fun while somebody else did the adulting.

        • Same here Nomar. I didn’t run my own law firm at the time, but I worked at a very successful civil litigation firm where I earned enough to pay off all our student loans, take our family on amazing vacations (often overseas), and gave him money to start his own firm. I was worried about making so much more money than he did, because I was raised by a fairly controlling father and an amazing SAHM X claimed to appreciate my efforts at the time, and the money I made so I stopped worrying. I also did school runs, arranged activities including sports, piano lessons, swimming lessons, horseback riding, dance, ice skating and more. Later, after D-Day number 4, he said that I “emasculated” him by earning more than he did. He said I “got lucky” with the job I acquired after law school. He also said one of the most awful things anyone has ever said to me. That I “use my py$$y to advance my career.” This was when he was in full blown narc mode (and unbeknownst to me, high on cocaine most of the time). Accused me of cheating as well, so “why can’t we just work this out?”

          I never cheated. I wouldn’t dream of doing such a thing to the beautiful family we had.

          Daughter graduated from high school this year, and he showed up to her party dressed like our 21 year old son, again seemingly high on cocaine. I could not be more grateful to be rid of him.

      • Same here. Really?? If I wasn’t so ‘independent’ who would have done everything that needs done to keep a family of four going constantly, you???? Still pisses me off as you can tell – Ha!

  • When I first discovered his cheating, I hired a PI to confirm because I didn’t want to risk a false accusation. After I confronted him I included that I had hired a PI. He told me he was worried we would ‘never get past this’. I assumed he meant his cheating and I desperately told him “no, people recover from this all the time. We just need to work on it, we love each other- bla bla bla”. I was in full on dance mode emotionally. He replied, “that’s not what I meant, I meant I don’t think I can get past you hiring a detective.” It literally blew my mind. I think there are brain cells in there that have some permanent scars.

    • I think this is common. Mine after i presented him with evidence of lies and a whole secret life didn’t answer anything just left saying he could never trust me again. How dare i look at his phone and uncover his perfectly curated double life! Of course I never looked at his phone once in 8 years and only did so after I caught several lies and instead of admitting them lied more and gaslit me, and hey was worried that there were substance abuse issues and he needed help and hey I discovered evidence of not just many more lies but a whole secret life but yes – let’s make the issue all about looking in a phone. And the lies? My fault! I MADE him do it so i got what i deserved.

      Ubt: I can’t believe you’d look in my phone or hire a pi-you’ve ruined my cake! I’m so angry that I can’t keep lying!

      • False equivalencies (e.g. cheating = snooping). Such a classic narcissist w/BPD move.

        If anyone does this to me today, I end contact with them. I live a narc-free life today.

        • I love the false equivalencies:
          1-When discussing his raging alcoholism, he said that him seeing me eat something other than a salad is equal to him having a drink. Hmmm. I have not been driving around drunk on donuts for years so………
          2-got a cell for myself so that my texts would not be accessible through Apple. Apparently that is equal to his private cell that he used to order hookers, log into Ashley Madison and eharmony, and watch porn. With his equivalency of alcoholism=unhealthy eating, I guess I should be using my phone to order DoorDash (instead of whore dash), sign onto private recipe swapping sites and hide in a room by myself watching cooking shows so nobody sees me. Bahahaha

      • It is common. I think it’s two things; distancing themselves from any guilt (if it exists) by flipping it onto you and contempt for what they perceive as yet more ‘clingy’ behaviour (which was just you trying to get some level of intimacy and trust back).

        These are both ways of squaring infidelity with the conscience, it’s why they often get nasty when the affair begins. We rarely act outside of our own moral code, we justify the things we do. Even killers do it.

        This is light skein untangling on my part though. In the end the whys don’t matter.

        • Yes, I remember clearly and make the connection, the unproved rages when the affair began. Asking a simple question would result in a rage of demonic proportions. It was like he became possessed.

          • Yes! I got that too.

            He was always bad tempered, but now I connect! Demonic rages over nothing at all, but especially if I asked a question. ????????

      • CL quote ‘it’s not what I did, but it’s your reaction to it’ that’s the problem. DARVO and gaslighting at its best.

        • Yep, basically: “How dare you find out I’m lying to you!”

          This is the stance all “our” friends took. How dare I find out he was lying to me and betraying me. No issue with the actual betrayal. That’s why I flushed them all like the rancid shit they are.

          • Katie, Love it…”flushed them all like the rancid shit they are.” A couple of them I’d known for decades but they supported him because “he hadn’t done much wrong and I was just overreacting!”

      • I experienced the same thing. He said my lack of respect for his privacy was a deal breaker even though the messages I read between him and his AP were all about *me*.

        I think these cheaters just cannot admit that they’ve done anything wrong, and there are only so many moves on the chessboard to keep the good-guy mask on. It’s so sad and pathetic.

      • Omg!! I’ve been hit will the “ now I can’t trust you “ bullshit. It’s always about my reactions to his lies, cheating, and abuses, it’s never that his behavior exists- NEVER!

    • Haha! My ex said something almost the same. In my case, I told our pastor that my husband was cheating on me with prostitutes. I foolishly tried to reconcile, and later he told me that he was having so much trouble getting past that betrayal (not his betrayal of me, but mine of him for telling our pastor about it), and he didn’t know if he would ever fully trust me again.

      • My ex was also betrrayed after I put down the hopium pipe, accepted I would be a single mom to three kids soon and traded in my 10 year old minivan for a sexy new crossover. Apparently this was much more egregious than him fucking his ho-worker in a hotel near their office.

        • Ho-worker! Bahahah! My ex FW has one of those too! She found out I filed for divorce and said now we can go out to dinner and meet the family (her husband & 3 kids under 7) and he dropped her! He moved on to other women and my divorce will be final on 6-15.

    • Mine couldn’t get over the betrayal of me telling my dad that he was having an affair when my dad wanted to know why I was so distraught.

    • And they flip it right back on you. Makes me want to rip my hair out.

      • Blame shifting! It has to be one of the most difficult traits to deal with. Always always always someone else’s fault, usually the chumps, but never never never the cheater’s responsibility.

    • I’ll confess to sometimes binge-watching episodes of “Cheaters” on rainy Saturday mornings, when I’ve got no errands to run.

      After cycling through the typical denials and gaslighting and “it’s not what you thinks,” most of those ‘caught’ on the show eventually turn to this sort of incredulity: “You’ve been surveilling me?! You’ve had people following me?! What kind of crazy demented person are you?! I can’t ever forgive you for this!! We’re DONE!!”

      So, yes — as RecentlyDiscardedChump notes, it’s common. After catching and confronting the Kunty Kibbler and the Carrot Singer at my home, she was (supposedly) appalled and devastated that I’d looked on her phone. it’s indeed a way of creating the false equivalency of “You’re no better than me.”

      • UXworld, yes! And the “updates” at the end of each episode, where the cheater claims to have turned over a new leaf, traded up partners, become a better person and so much happier now that the chump is out of their life. ????
        We all know who really goes on to gain a life, and who is stuck on “rinse and repeat.”

        • Ex claimed to have never been happier in his life with the first AP and I’m certain he’s said the same thing with the second and third…

    • I’m getting in line to punch that cheater. He fucking sucks so hard the trees are bending.

    • Bless your unjaded and innocent heart for fessing to hiring a PI. I can imagine this means you hadn’t been through sixteen rounds of vicious DARVO at that point, hadn’t yet had everything you’d ever said twisted around and weaponized into proof of your terribleness, hadn’t been trained out of impulsive truth-telling.

      • It really does take all of that to “get it,” doesn’t it, HOC? Years of pre-dday abuse, followed by shocking discoveries of betrayal and worse abuse, and still many mighty chumps continue to hold on. I found CL/CN several months after leaving a cheater, and this was a lifeline that helped me cut through the BS, go NC, and feel more “normal” and less alone. While I’d like to believe that if I’d found CL when I was still in an abusive relationship with a serial cheater, I would’ve seen the light, trusted he sucked and left sooner — but the cycle of abuse had a vicious hold on me, and I honestly don’t know. If it wasn’t for all the painfully, eerily similar stories here, I would have believed something was seriously wrong with me.

        Also, HOC, your comment about being “trained out of impulsive truth-telling” is so apt.

    • Wow, ultimate DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim/Offender). Like many chumps, I experienced a lesser degree of this when my STBX acted all butt-hurt that I had found photos of her and AP (that she had claimed she had deleted) on her iPad. This, by the way, was a shared device that our kids also frequently used.

      Moral of the story: my STBX literally didn’t understand boundaries at all – like, how they work, in all directions. She admitted as much once in a rare moment of honesty. Character-disordered types (including most cheaters) cannot accept responsibility for harming others, because real accountability activates a place of deep shame that they can’t handle. So, instead they employ DARVO, blameshifting, minimizing, and other manipulations to externalize the source of the harm.

      I’m glad we’re free now, Anna! All best to you and to all chumps.

      • There’s definitely something to that deep shame thing.

        • Hmmm. I wonder. No, I don’t. I think it’s more “how dare you, my previously quiescent chump, exhibit distrust and disbelief in *wonderful me*? Your getting out of my control!”

          I don’t think any of them experience what normal people do, no empathy, no shame. They’re splendid, and we’re bad people for putting any obstacles in the way of what they want.

          • I agree CNM. They aren’t reacting to shame, as they are quite shameless. But they are insecure, and being called out for what they do activates that. Their narcissism developed to guard against their insecurity, but it doesn’t work that well. This is why they need control the chump- it reassures them of their mythical superiority. The more reassurance they need, the more insecure they are underneath their gradiosity.
            Shame and guilt exist to make people stop the wrongs they are doing. If they ever felt shame or guilt about their behavior, they stopped feeling it a long time ago by rationalizing that it’s okay because_____(fill in assorted bullshit excuses.)

            • OHFFS,

              I think that Cheaters don’t feel guilt (the internal voice saying that they shouldn’t do something) but have real issues with shame (the external voice that sees other people saying that they shouldn’t do something). They just can’t deal with being judged by others as they’ve already judged themselves as being “not guilty.” Maybe my experience with Ex-Mrs LFTT is extreme, but she is adamant that she’s done nothing wrong, but she absolutely cannot deal with the judgment of others …… which is why she still lies/DARVOs 7 years out from D-Day.


    • Oh friend, samsies. When I first confronted him on his double life, he couldn’t help but jab me about my violation of his privacy. Keep in mind that I completely trusted him and would never consider spying on him in any way. But after several lies… Cheating for decades vs. going on his ashley madison account that he left open …

    • Also joining the punching line.

      This is so classic. Mine said the problem was that I read her messages so I had destroyed her trust…

      • I was cleaning out his pockets to a jacket he asked me to take to the cleaners. I found a suspicious receipt and asked him about it. He said he didn’t remember… He went into a rage accusing me of snooping through his things. Guilt will do that.

        • Yes. Your job was to be the useful wife appliance, not to ask him questions. How dare you.

    • So…there was nothing wrong with his cheating, but you hiring a private investigator ‘was’ wrong.

      SMH. I hope you got the best possible settlement.

    • Mine had the gall to tell me that his married girlfriend said recording him on our landline was wrong.
      I was supposed to be grateful that they didn’t press charges.

      • “Mine had the gall to tell me that his married girlfriend said recording him on our landline was wrong.”

        The rat faced whore was apparently very upset I’d read all her phone texts slobbering all over the wonderful gifts etc fucktard had presented her with.” She shouldn’t have done that! ”

        But taking gifts from a married man and fucking him was AOK. ????????

    • I hired a PI maybe 10 years post divorce because I was concerned his girlfriend was doing cocaine in front of the kids. Long enough ago, had to look in the Yellow Pages. He was an ex-cop and took the initial $35 by phone. Called me back 30 minutes later saying he found a lot in 5 minutes. Felony shoplifting multiple times when she was with disabled son and would blame it on him. Felony shoplifting without him. Multiple prostitution convictions in multiple states. Many many drug charges. The PI credited my card with the $35.

    • My said something similar —“I don’t think I can get past the breach of trust you created by reading my texts (the one that exposed the affair, of course). I felt guilty about that for months until my gaslighted head started clearing.

  • He said, “I just don’t know how to love anyone.” Which means “I only love myself.”

    • Ha ha, snap. I got ‘I think I’ve fallen out of love with the world’ and ‘he didn’t feel like having sex with anyone’. Yeah right

      • May I join please….

        I got ‘I’m moving out as I want to be alone AND no I’m not moving in with the OW..I just want to be alone and clear my head’

        Fast forward 12 hours..I see messages on his phone with pictures of a dress that she wants to wear to their ENGAGEMENT party…scheduled for the following month.

        P.S. We were also engaged at the time.

        Can’t make this shit up. Idiot.

        • Same —except he insisted I move out of the house (I didn’t) and when I said “ why don’t you?” he replied “I can’t! All my stuff is here.”

    • Right. I got the reverse, namely “I don’t know how to love myself.” And as RuPaul says, “if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

      Boy, those cheaters really show they care about our feelings in those moments, right? But they still feel entitled to reconciliation, because they’re so broken… ????

      • One day ex walks in and says, “I don’t get butterflies in my stomach anymore when you walk into the room.”
        uhm.., okay, I wondered if he was serious, I wasn’t sure how to respond. I shrugged it off as he was just being weird.
        We had been married 20 years, known each other for 25, had a teenage son. We were adults, parents, busy with our everyday routines.

        We weren’t teenagers, I always associated “butterflies in your stomach” as being associated with teenagers.
        I also noticed when he sent texts he started using teenage girl abbreviations, like “K”?
        This was also one of the things that made me think he might be suffering from a brain tumor. I couldn’t imagine him texting “K”?

        What I didn’t realize at the time is he was feeling “butterflies in his stomach” when AP walked in the room and probably the feeling of doom when walked in.
        Cheaters confuse infatuation with love. When routine sets in and the honeymoon phase is over the cycle is bound to repeat itself.

    • Same here. Screaming red flag to leave. I stuck it out for months until I truly grasped the gravity of my situation and those “half” truths that were really little tests to see how I would react. File this under when someone tells you who they are, believe them.

    • My variation: “I’m just not good enough for you. That’s why I cheat.”
      It changed to cold bitch when I left. i should have known he was going to cheat and I really hurt him when I left.

  • I never meant for this to happen.

    Translation: I have been fucking strange for years but you screwed it up by finding out and calling me out. It’s very inconvenient for me to no longer have access to cake.

    • That comment is usually alongside the “I didn’t want to hurt you”…

      • I got the “I didn’t want to hurt you”.

        Him: (trying to persuade me his texts boasting about fucking the rat faced whore were ‘just lad’s banter’ and ‘nothing happened’)

        UBT: Shit, I’ve been busted. What can I say to gaslight her so she won’t exact consequences? I know, I’ll tell her it was just lad’s banter. She’ll believe me because she doesn’t realise I have zero respect for her and think she’s stupid.

        Me: If it’s just lad’s banter, and nothing happened, why all the lies?

        Him: I didn’t want to hurt you!

        UBT: I’m really a good person.

        Me: Why would it hurt me to know it was just lad’s banter and nothing happened?

        Him: no reply, just a red face and deer in the headlights look.

        Me: Get the fuck out. I’m divorcing you.


      • I got “I just can’t give you what you deserve.”. Oh, so you were doing me a favor??

  • my ex said, I wasnt going to leave you ie be grateful
    i liked her because she dumped her kids, ie he dumped his kids he has with me as well
    shes dangerous, ie why the fuck are you with her then
    he said i know people with sti(s), ie hes telling you something there
    she was shouting ouside cul de sac once, he said can you have a word with her, no im not a priest i cant
    perform exorcisms
    this is 11 years ago, he lives several buses away, she still hangs around seeing if he turns up, i realised a
    long time ago hes a coward, and probably always was. i have had different sim cards, she still manages to
    contact me, so he is obviously still sees her, i have crime numbers against her.

  • Statement: “You have a drink problem because you don’t drink. You are a terrible host because you don’t know how often to top our guests’ glasses up and, when you do top up someone’s glass you look like you are judging them. I am embarrassed to bring my friends to the house because of you …. you have no friends and no social skills.”

    Translation: “I have a drink problem and my friends have drink problems …… but we are more comfortable with denying it and making out that you are the one with a problem … and the fact that your friends don’t like being around me is a you problem and not a me problem.”


    • Hah, I was accused of not knowing “how to get along with people” too. It’s my favorite tale from the FW files.

      FW’s mother was the first to say this of me after a credibly alleged child molester on school staff was named by a series of former victims and the story was all over the regional headlines. In reaction I joined a coalition with other parents in our burb demanding transparency from the district regarding how it vetted teachers. Because we didn’t drop the issue and play possum like the rest of the community, the administration went mad and retaliated against me and the other parents by targeting our children in terrible ways. Then yet another former victim approached the “coalition” and named yet another child molester on staff.

      I decided to pull all my kids from this creepy school and home school in the interim. My then MIL went ballistic over it. That’s when she exhorted her FW son to make the kids go back to the same school saying the real problem was that I didn’t know how to get along with people.

      A few years later when FW started the affair but before I knew about it, his first DARVO attack was when he said the same thing to me. It came in the form of a vicious diatribe after I wondered aloud if a nanny I’d hired might be questionable. He hissed “You don’t know how to get along with anyone!” The nanny turned out to be a big pot head who kept leaving the kids alone to play with her phone and, much worse, gave away something chilling about her own character: she threw a fit when I said I supported the Sex Offender Registry. She spat back that “You might as well kill them. Why don’t they have a right to live in peace?” Yikes. I fired her.

      Then after D-Day FW disclosed that his schmoopie had said the same thing about me “not getting along with people” despite her having never met me and despite her bilking my kids’ college funds of tens of thousands of dollars. FW acted mystified about how his mother’s precise words had ended up in the mouth of the AP. It was pretty clear that he’d been trashing me to the AP all along but it was kind of bleakly funny that the BEST THEY COULD DO was to disparage me because I’d protected my kids? To quote Franklin D. Roosevent, “I ask you to judge me by the enemies I’ve made.” No, I don’t get along with pervs, perv apologists, cheating FWs and psychopathic side chicks. Clearly I’m a loser.

      • HOAC, you sound like a quality human to me! I also don’t get along well with liars, cheaters, pervs, perv apologists, cheater apologists, skanky whores, affair partners, or any form of fuckwits. Guess I can’t get along with anyone, either, if that’s the leveling bar. They are such disordered sociopaths.

        • Well, as CL says, bless your heart. We’re just peas in a pod. I’d certainly rather have someone like you in my lifeboat than that cavalcade of ick. xoxo

      • HOC, more than likely they were intimidated by your intelligence and knew that they couldn’t take advantage of you because you have boundaries.
        Moving to the South I found people rarely say what they mean. I, on the other hand, am blunt and to the point. I “have no filter.” Given that fact I have an incredible amount of loyal friends and in the last 11 months their support has been overwhelming. Don’t think I could have gotten this far without them. It separates the wheat from the chaff.

  • After DDay he asked me to move in bc it’s harder to cheat when everything you want is right in front of you

    Translation – the other woman lives 15 min away from me so challenge to gaslight you more accepted! come pick me dance in person 😀

    • I guess for him, sex is completely about geography. You have to stay no more than two feet from him, holding a stick with which to beat off any competitors. Otherwise, some other woman might slip in closer, and then he’ll get confused about which one is the right one to have sex with.

      • LOL right. My own parents didn’t even have to watch me that closely growing up to keep me from doing right from wrong and that was their job. So I refuse to do it for a grown man.

  • I dunno. I’m still processing information just learned last night that a female friend of our family’s dated my ex in high school & how come in all the years I was married to him ( and her & her husband were around) that that information never came to light?? But my ex tells our son about it just the other day?! Another secret. Another lie by omission. Another punch in the gut. Fuck. I have fresh new anger at the ex-FW! Why do I even care???

    • They lie and lie and lie and lie and lie. It’s a way of life for a sociopath

    • I totally get it. Remember that woman is your enemy. She’s been revealed as that now, do not allow her in your life in any way from this point on.

      • Anyone would be sickened to realize they were like Rosemary from Rosemary’s Baby and were surrounded for years by a coalition of skanky dank evil. No cheater can function without a cabal of enabling and like-minded creeps around them. It’s a chilling discovery.

        • That’s exactly what it’s like! I was actually literally losing my mind towards the end of my marriage. Cognitive issues from pernicious anemia which went untreated for nearly 40 years. I kept telling people I felt like I was living in that point of a horror movie where the main character knows something is very wrong but they don’t know what yet. And just like in a horror movie everybody around me was all “You’re being paranoid! Nothings happening!

          The end of the movie was horrible to go through but I’m so glad it’s over and I’m out of it now.

    • I would be upset with that “omission” too. I would probably get some lame reaction like “I did not tell you because I knew how you would react…”

    • WOW, I get the anger. I found a box of expired condoms in the medicine cabinet. They were expired as of 12/2018. It was a box of 36 and 18 were missing. We didn’t use condoms! It showed me that she was screwing in the marital bed and that the affair started at least 7 years ago. What a guy punch

  • My ex took off and made it long-distance when I asked for a separation. With his family’s blessing, he told me, “We can work things out long-distance.”

    Deep down, I knew that was, “I’m gone like I’ve hinted at for years. Your job is to overlook the chaos and come running to me, deeply sorry for making me run.”

    When the divorce process started, he told me, “It will be quick and easy because I love you and always will.”

    My version was, “It will belong, messy, and expensive, showing just how little he thinks of me.” I knew better. At least I thoroughly liked and respected my legal team. It made all the bills a little easier to take. By the end, we had a saying, “No empathy and no regard for the law.” Mine got it settled and is now retired. All is well.

  • “You were so preoccupied with all those miscarriages that I felt neglected and the work slut with a drinking and money problem felt boosted by my attention and money.”

    UBT: I do what I want because I’m a narcissistic sociopath with no empathy for you or your pain and I’ll keep doing whatever I want. But I’ll keep a mask up because being a non caring fuckwit is a bad look and I might miss out on conning another needy potential partner.

    • I got a flavor of this. “You cut me off after our kids were born.”

      UBT – you forgot it’s all about ME ME ME. While you were up all night with colicky and then chronically sick kids I slept all night ALONE (after playing videogames all evening) and my dick was so sadz. Surely you should have found time between working to support us, hospital visits and surgeries, and never sleeping to be sexy. Because it’s not enough to go through the motions to placate me, you need to like it, and want it more than me. What else could I do (besides trying to be a loving supportive partner) except sexually proposition our mutual friend and spend all my time in the bathroom wanking on my phone?


      Ug, I’m too angry to actually UBT today! He is a master of DARVO, he is always somehow the victim ????

      • FW’s act like their genitals are the perpetual newborns of the family that should be the focus of all care, concern and adoration! I’m surprised they don’t insist on having family portraits taken with their dongs and twats swaddled up in cute bunting at the center and the whole family gazing lovingly at cheater daddy’s/mommy’s crotch.

        • Scabby dick has so many dick pics… He even started an only fans. It’s totally free in the hopes that even more people will get to look at his scabby dick.

          • As a guy I never understood the whole sending a “dick pic” to a woman thing or even sending a naked picture. I am no prude and find woman beautiful but men not so much. After all the years as a surgeon and one trip to a nudist beach I have to say men should clothed.

        • Hell of a chump – you just made my Friday with that comment! ????

        • Ha, maybe Or do FWs act like there genitals are AudreyII from Little Shop of Horrors with an insatiable appetite.

  • “Let’s buy you a bigger diamond ring”
    “I’m cheating on you but when I dump you for the married NJ business associate with three young sons, my image of the generous, successful businessman who found true love will remain intact, all because of the huge ring on your finger”

    “I work 80-90 hours each week”
    “I spend hours each day on the phone with the NJ woman. Every golf round and all my fishing trips with clients count as work and I’m the most important person in the family”

    “The affair has ended”
    “I don’t want my rich new girlfriend to know that the affair is still going on. I love NJ woman’s catch-me-fuck-me heels but the new wallet woman is even better”

  • So timely! Had something happen this week!

    M the Younger was accepted to a college that gave her a pretty substantial award of guaranteed money for all 4 years. However, because this college belongs to the same tuition exchange network as the one at which the Chlorine Special is an instructor, she was subsequently given an even higher guaranteed 4-year award. (So, the douchebag is good for something after all.)

    I was notified of this latest development by KK in an OFW message on May 22, which included: “I was told (M) will receive an amended financial aid letter outlining the updated scholarships, grants, loans, and remainder amount.” No response from me.

    She followed up 4 days later: “I confirmed that (M) should get a new financial aid letter mailed to her. Once you receive that please send me a copy.” Again, no response from me.

    On Monday I received a one-word follow-up: “FAYL”

    That’s it. I scanned the web, enlisted a few fellow chumps, discretely asked my daughters if this was a new term or acronym sweeping social media. I suppose it’s technically possible she’s referring to a village in eastern Yemen located in the Hadhramaut Governorate. Or a “Huntmaster” character from World of Warcraft.

    But the UBT knows better. It’s another in her long line of insults: “Acknowledge me, you bitter petulant asshole!! I disapprove of your silence demand acquiescence and recognition!”

    • ” . . . I disapprove of your silence AND demand acquiescence and recognition!”

      • Fuck All Your Lies ?
        Fucking Asshole, You Limpdick ?

        I’m gonna be thinking about this all day, UX. And it has given me a potential new tactic for confounding any other person bothering me. You’ve got to give KK a bit of credit for being so creative, though, unless it was just a result of her fingers spasming in fury.

        • I think she meant “fail.” She’s trying to be “cool.” What a loser.

      • This is bothering me too. FAYL: Falsely Accused Youth Leaders?

        Obscurely it seems to be antique hacker slang for fail.

        Did KK bang some basement-dwelling software pirate back in the aughts? Translation: You are not considered cool among aging hackers with Cheetos dust in their neck-beards and dried cum on their keyboards. With KK’s help, they are currently trying to hack your bank account and crypto wallet.

      • KK never gives up, does she? It’s kind of amazing actually. ????

    • That’s hilarious. Do you think she was trying to say “FAIL”? My ex also sends ranting messages with weird typos. I’m sure he has no idea he comes across as idiotic and unhinged.

    • This called for coffee and brain wracking this morning!

      Fucking Answer You Loser

    • Hahahaha KK always good for a laugh.
      You can see her face behind the screen with a little twist of attention deprivation irritation.

      Good on the tuition front.

  • “I still love you.”

    Trans: This is going to cost me a fortune.

    • I got the same, along with, “I think you can love two people at the same time.” Classic.

    • Yes, he pledged his undying love as the divorce process started and said it would be quick. I figured $20,000+ and at least a year for what should have been a simple divorce (no custody issues, no real estate, no business interests).

      Turns out that was pretty close to what I paid, and the whole thing took much longer than it should have. My senior attorney figured that my ex paid 2-3x more than I did because of the attorney he chose and how it was all handled. At times my legal work was written off because of how disgusted my legal team was with the whole thing.

      That’s not love.

  • This was from FW just yesterday. As per our consent decree, I informed FW (who has seen his kids a half dozen times in 5 years) that our younger’s last day of daycare is approaching and he will switch to after-school fees following kindergarten. FW then asked if this would reduce out of pocket childcare expenses, a question proving how little he has ever paid attention to anything child-related. In true Grey rock response fashion, replied with the links to both school’s tuition rates, from.which he could do the math himself. He then responded, and I quote:

    “Thanks and all, but a simple yes would have sufficed. I have tried very hard to be civil for some time but you are coming across very passive agressive to me, if it matters.

    You know I was out of work for over a year and I still made many of my child support payments. I am out of work now and while I have no severance I am trying to keep up and already made June’s payment.

    I don’t understand why everything has to be such a apparent hassle to ask a simple question.

    I have enough liquid cash that I can float a couple of months unemployed. After that I have no idea what to do. Just FYI.”

    Should keep the UBT sated a while.

    • Awesome NUC. You’ve learned the grey rock lessons well. Drives them nuts.

    • I mean, how dare you make him click on links and do simple math.

    • “Thanks and all, but a simple yes would have sufficed.
      I have tried very hard to be civil for some time but you are coming across very passive agressive to me, if it matters.”

      I hope it matters. I hope my projection breaks through your silly boundaries, because I’ll be needing you to cater to and feel sorry for me for quite some time.

      “You know I was out of work for over a year and I still made many of my child support payments.”

      One bitch cookie with extra sprinkles, please.

      “I am out of work now and while I have no severance I am trying to keep up and already made June’s payment.”

      Now how about some bitch muffins, hmmm? I got fired for harassing women at the office. This is your cue to offer to waive child support. Act now- supplies of sad sausage are running out. Rageberry pie is next on the menu.

      “I don’t understand why everything has to be such a apparent hassle to ask a simple question.”

      I don’t understand why my mommy doesn’t like me anymore. You won’t even give me a cookie. I try so hard, but I can’t even get so much as a plain tea biscuit out of you, let alone an Oreo. ???? ????

      “I have enough liquid cash that I can float a couple of months unemployed. After that I have no idea what to do. Just FYI.”

      Just FYI, I will be defaulting on my payments. God forbid I should have to take a job that’s beneath me. Like a job that involves work. Whatever shall I do? #ohcruelfate

      • How dare someone want a reward for supporting their own offspring when they can’t even find a job. *angry face

      • OHFFS, I laughed so hard at your translations that my water came out my nose! Bravo!

    • Ah, yes! Trying for next level grey rock, I once asked him politely to contact our teenaged kids to arrange seeing them, with a please and thank you. He then accused me of ‘passive aggressive bollocks’ in a rant about how he heard two syllables per month from the kids. (Only a few weeks later he asked me to give him a second chance, after my son had hinted he was having money troubles…)

      Him: Passive aggressive bollocks!!!
      UBT: It enrages me that I have no control over you, I no longer have a social secretary and I can’t accuse you of being a bitch cause you’re too bloody nice!

  • The UBT is the grad program that led to my Bachelor’s in Grownup Relations. I will always be grateful!

    I don’t have one to type this morning, I just wanted to deluge Tracy in gratitude. ???? Looking forward to reading all of yours later!

  • Here’s a “co-parenting with a FW” one for the UBT:

    Recently we had to re-calculate child support. For the past 2 and 1/2 years FW stopped doing his custodial weekends and much of his vacation time with our son. In my state, if you don’t have minimum 90 days custodial time (which is 24 hours/overnights) then the primary parent gets the full child support amount.

    FW sent an email that he “didn’t want a lot of back and forth” so he was sending it through his attorney.

    UBT: Shut up and just take whatever I say. You’re stupid and should trust me and my attorney and feel lucky I’m willing to do this.

    When I pointed out that child support should be calculated at the full amount (you can do it easily with an online calculator) he emailed “Not sure what the custodial time has to do with this. I did talk to my attorney about it, but it has nothing to do with the child support calculation.”

    UBT: Just shut up. I’m gaslighting you that child support is not based on custody. I’m going to lie and base it on the days I’m allotted (120 days) and blame YOU that I don’t get to see my son enough. Shut up Shut upppppp!!!!!!

    Result? I made his attorney send it to mine. His attorney did the calculation incorrectly. My attorney corrected it (to more than double the amount owed). And it was calculated at full amount because FW doesn’t spend enough custodial time with his son.

    • Good for you! If you can afford it, going through attorneys is much better.

      • Even when I couldn’t afford it and was deeply in debt when he left me and I was a SAHM, the only way to get FW to follow the law was to involve attorneys. He’s a real piece of shit.

    • I think this is strategic. My EX first wanted a small number of custodial days, then after seeing a lawyer, wanted 120 overnights. Sure enough, that was the state limit that would prevent him from having to pay child support at all. I expect his lawyer told him that he wouldn’t have to “use” all of these custodial days but that it would be financially beneficial for him to claim he wanted them during the divorce process.

      Sure, I could have contested the issue in a new court hearing once it was clear that he wasn’t seeing the kids much, but for me the risk of having him assert his custodial rights (to avoid payment) was worse than having less money. And I imagine his lawyer was able to predict this as the most likely outcome from the beginning.

      • During quarantine in 2019, I ended up taking our son full time because my job let me work remotely (made me work remotely) so it was safer for the kid and also someone was there for virtual schooling. My ex “couldn’t” work from home. Until I had my attorney ask for child support. Then, miraculously he was able to work from home part time. Just enough that we had 50/50 again so he didn’t have to pay.

  • The EX and I had this lovely exchange a few months before I filed for divorce:
    Him: I don’t understand your negative attitude toward me! I wasn’t always perfect, but my whole life has been devoted to our family! Everything I ever did, I did for the family!
    Me: You fucked whores for the sake of our family?
    Him: See, this is the problem! You can’t let things go! Okay, I haven’t been perfect, but you need to let go of the past!
    Me: That was LAST WEEK!
    Him: Yes, IN THE PAST!

    I guess if it happened two minutes ago, it was “in the past” and could not be addressed. Well, now he is in the past. Turns out, I can let things go.

    • Oh yes, this! Every morning the x wakes up to a clean slate. He moves on from the past quickly (in minutes) unlike his bitter ex family. He’s so sad for us that we hold on to the past and can’t seem to let go. In his mind he’s an evolved person just trying to live his life and be happy….

    • Egad! I’m familiar with this one as well. My FW said the same, that I should get over the past about something that had happened five minutes prior.

      Me; You did that five minutes ago.
      FW; See? That’s the past!

      I shit you not, he actually said that, and he stated it vehemently. They’ll say anything, no matter how insane, to manipulate you.

      • That’s when you pick up the 2×4, whack them across the head, and when they get upset, tell them: “why are you complaining-it was in the past!”

      • I wonder how they would react if we whacked them in the heads with a big shovel and told them to get over it because the whack was done “in the past.” Just get over it, losers…I wonder if they try this with police, judges, juries. Won’t work so well in those venues. You did it, you pay, and in most cases there are not statutes of limitations.

    • I had damn near the same conversation with my FW! He had the audacity to claim that he was “a good husband, provider and father” my reaction was nearly identical to yours. “Oh, you dry fucked every stripper from L.A. to New York for our family? That’s what made you such a good husband, provider and father?” From there he claimed that he’s “better now”. Whatever dude. Byeeeeeeee!

  • When I asked him why her, he said “she’s so easygoing.” You mean…EASY.

    • Ha! My ex actually said he went for her because she — or was it ‘it’? — was easy. He evidently thought this would make me feel better?

  • “I don’t know who I am anymore”

    Translation: People usually praise me and think I am awesome and now some people are judging me and thinking ill of me. I am not used to that. Who is that person being so chastised?

    • I got this too, and didn’t know what it meant. I love your translation, and I think it’s correct!

  • FW in court: “But I’m NOT a cheater!”
    UBT (ClearWaters): “Reeeeeally? So is Ms Flatter Fuck (her real name) just a mirage?”

    Snickers, snorts, deadpan faces all around and poor FW’s lawyer looking down into her lap (In shame? To hide her own smile? God only knows what Sparkledick had been telling her; it’s hard to defend a client who lies to the lawyer).

  • To our friends: “Goodfriend is angry and unreasonably jealous because she found out I was giving financial advice to an on-line work colleague who mentioned she was having financial problems.”
    UBT: She discovered I asked for pornographic pictures from a scammer I found on a hook-up website and sent tens of thousands of dollars and a credit card with a $5K limit.

    To our grandson: “I was trying to help and advise people who need employment and I trusted the wrong people.”
    UBT: I sent tens of thousands of dollars to online romance scammers/catfishers because I thought I could get a hot babe to live with me.

    To his online sole-mate/twu wuv: “I’ll pay for your college and buy you a business and work there for free, and I’ll also find a way to help you get pregnant so we can have a baby this year.”
    UBT: I’ve been losing jobs for more than a decade and have no desire to work. I’ve never been interested in parenting and don’t want another kid. I don’t want to pay for anyone’s college education or anything else. I’ll just say whatever it takes because I want a dumb hot babe who will believe me and make me look like a cool guy.
    What he actually told me: “I thought she was stupid and maybe had some mental disabilities, and I liked that because she would look up to me and not question my judgement about anything.”

    To me: “I thought you’d like her and be best friends, and we could all hang out together at the house.”
    UBT: I want you to accept and welcome her into YOUR life and home so you won’t make a fuss and I can get a really cool new luxury apartment while keeping my music studio/man cave and not have to move it.

    • Mine also thought I’d be quite fine with her moving in. Told me, “I think you’ll really like her. She’s awesome!” and then tried several times to tell me all about the great new sex he was getting.

      OMG – how narc can one narc be? I like Tracy’s book quotes about that subject. In his childish, fractured brain we both worship him – so of course, we would have so much in common and be best friends! Nope. Sorry. My friends don’t sleep with married men, especially while they are still married themselves. My friends don’t blow up families to get their jollies.

  • My ex called me from his car while the woman he left me for was in the store to tell me the song “Faithfully” by Journey was on and it was his song to me.

    • What is it with the whole song/playlist thing for FW’s and their tribes??? My stbx’s side bitch is in her late 50’s and she persists in sending over hand picked country /pop lovesongs in the middle of the night like a 14 year old might (eg Blake Shelton warbling – “PS – thiiiiiis is Austin and I still loooooooove yoooooooooouuuuuu”. ) Yecch…. Does she really think anyone who sees FW’s phone with a love song notification on the home screen at 1:30 am isn’t going to notice that? Hehehe regardless – my STBX has no idea that I know (still prepping to file) about the extent of their relationship and if I happen to mention his phone going off at 1:30 in the morning he will usually look me almost in the eye and attempt a Jedi mind trick – “that was just a dream you were having” – UBT – ” I know you know I am lying. I am tired of reminding you that on my home planet not admitting I have done something means I never did it. I don’t want to stand here and take precious time to string you further along when I should have been dry-humping Side Bitch over Facebook Private Messenger 2 minutes ago. So, if you say one.more.word I will turn into Cornholio* and you will get a 9th level of hell narc meltdown tantrum for the record books” (as opposed to the garden variety 4th level tantrums reserved for stuff like “can’t find my keys” or “dropped a few shots at golf”) all of these are the victims fault, naturally. Its funny in a sick jaded/exhausted survivor kind of way but honestly I cant wait to put this crap behind me. When two adults really love and respect each other I am pretty sure gaslighting is not a thing……

      *For those who don’t know who Cornholio is – he came from an old US cartoon “Beavis and Butthead” and he is one of the main characters’ (Beavis) archetypal alter ego. If Beavis had too much caffeine or sugar he would suddenly pull his shirt over his head, turn into Cornholio and freak out on the spot- basically100% jacked up and absolutely random with a fake accent, in a funny harmless way. My STBX can conjure the jacked up and random part literally in a nanosecond (not funny in the least though) haven’t experienced any fake accents yet but I won’t necessarily be surprised if they appear soon….

      • “I know you know I am lying. I am tired of reminding you that on my home planet not admitting I have done something means I never did it”. ????????

        Yep. Fuckwit refused to sign the admission of adultery form because, ” I’m not going to admit to something I didn’t do!”

        When confronted with the evidence rat faced whore was living with him in his flat, “she’s just my lodger”. ????????

  • Me: Why did we do a financial plan, focusing on our retirement?
    Him: I repeatedly and erroneously thought we would be together?
    Me: So you basically thought you could have the affair and have me on the side in case the affair didn’t work out?
    Him: I thought it would end and I would be with you.

    I welcome any translations. I just can’t this morning.

    • I get that – he was convinced he would take all of his retirement with him when he left. My attorney and the judge were quite clear that since he had been married 40 years – those were joint assets. He fussed and fumed and pouted. They weren’t impressed with his sadz performance.

      I now often wonder how it would have been if he hadn’t revealed his side chick plans; if we would have continued on with the original plan into retirement which was just a four or five years away. I think he would have taken “his retirement” check each month. I think I might have ended up living with no groceries, etc. because he was very clear in the courtroom that was HIS MONEY.

      I felt false security all those years, assuming that we were a team and we would be sharing in our retirement. That old human fantasy of having someone to grow old with. Now I know differently and it is frightening. Thanks to a cracker jack attorney who saw through his bullshit immediately – my half of our mutual accumulations over a lifetime will come to my personal checking account. He can do nothing to mess with that. It won’t be a case someday of someone discovering me and investigating for “elder abuse.”

      • So true. The concept of marital assets never occurred to him. I think that narcissists struggle with this.

        My lawyer laughed when x tried to make the argument that if he purchased, say, an expensive bottle of wine (and he did x many), that bottle of wine is his and his only. haha. I pointed out that, by that logic, our expensive sofa was also only mine. (NB: I did end up with the sofa. lol)

        For an ivy-league educated physician, he could be SO stupid.

        My lawyer argued fraud, and, in a no-fault state, I was awarded 55% of everything.

        He must be impossible to live with now. I love that the AP-turned-wife now has that job.

        Quick anecdote: A few months before D-Day-discard, he complained when I put a bag of Stacy’s chips in our shopping cart. We stood in the aisle glaring at each other. I couldn’t believe he was being so cheap. We were having a gang over (our kids et al), so the purchase made 100% sense to me. Little did I know that his selfish brain was doing a calculation about a future with the AP and trying to save money for that life.

        These days I buy Stacy’s chips whenever I want…because I can.

        • Spinach: Often, your ex reminds me a very much of mine. This story is my FW dad 100%. The thought of those two wrapped up into one super-FW is terrifying. I’m sorry.

    • Him1: I had these plans…*YOU* wrecked them by holding me to my alleged wedding “vows.” Fwiw i did have my fingers crossed when I said them, so…..

      Him2: Why do you think a would pay good money I could use to have a perfectly serviceable wife-appliance taken out of my house? *I* am not wasteful like some others are…..

    • I like chocolate cake and vanilla cake; in fact I like all cake, but chocolate cake plus money will always be my favorite. Why would you NOT want to help me get all the cake?

    • Translation: I have always loved cake. Please give me more and MORE CAKE ????

    • UBT:

      Him: “I repeatedly thought and hoped I’d be with the AP. There was nothing erroneous about it, but I like how that word sounds. #erudite #Iknowbigwords

      I also like for people to think I was swept up by forces bigger than I when, in actuality, *I* made the hotel reservations all by myself and bought airplane tickets (with cash!). And I wanted to make sure that the AP was SUPER committed to me before cutting things off with you. How prudent! Don’t you think? I’m impulsive, but I’m not so impulsive as to risk being ALONE, which I dread more than anything. If my plan failed, and the AP called it off, I would monkey branch back to you. Easy-peasy.

      What did you say, Spinach? You’re upset about that? Why? I don’t see it. Second choice is still good. You’d get to be with me if I didn’t choose her. It’s so hard to be me because I had to make THE CHOICE.” ????

      Later on, he would send me letters about how he simply “had to move on.” The poor guy!

    • Like my Ex, I bet, Spinach; he thought he was going to have this great 4 day a week affair while working out of town those days for several months, and everything would continue as usual at home and with me! Even after I figured out he was cheating (again) and confronted him and told him to move out, he thought he could leave, enjoy the relationship with her while it was fun while I continued to look after the kids, the house etc, and then come back with his tail between his legs, be extra nice for a (short) while, and all would be well. No loss of family, house, money, retirement plans etc.

      They really are quite delusional when high on all that narcissistic supply. (Which is why it’s so hard for us to understand their thinking.) Then SO ANGRY when things don’t work out as they expect.

  • After four years and countless D-days, I finally had enough and told the Lying Cheating Loser we were over. For real this time.
    One remarkable line of bullshit that left his mouth was: “I never wanted to be without you.”
    Still under the effects of hopium, I was tempted to spackle and interpret that statement to mean that deep down, he really did love and value me.
    But no.
    UBT: “I never wanted to be without all the creature comforts you provide, like a comfortable home, most of the money, vacation planning, home-cooked meals, 95% of the care and feeding of my two teens, not to mention great sex and loving support of my sad sausage self. I’m gonna keep lying, cheating, sexting and getting drunk daily, but hey, let’s not make a big deal about that. By the way, when will you be home from work? Can you buy me cigarettes? And what’s for dinner?”
    Good riddance to that loser.
    I still miss his kids though.

  • 30 years ago he said “I knew I ruined my life” as soon as I did it!. But it didnt stop him for making sure he ruined 3 kids and a wife too. Such loser! Then told everyone during the divorce from hell that it was ME who was crazy and raging. UGH

  • After the first affair six years ago, she was mortified that i had violated her privacy by checking her phone and PC. Even as we were recovering from HER affair, she frequently said during therapy she was worried that i was surveilling her and monitoring her every move. It violated her privacy. I never got passwords or openness etc, according to her i just had to trust her! Because otherwise how can this ever work if i don’t immediately trust her again after she betrayed me?

    Well, three months ago she had her second affair. Guess what? She was shocked and horrified that i went through her PC, i even looked at old pictures in her google drive! The audacity! How could I violate her privacy this way?!

    It still fucking floors me and I’m not sure if she even believes this herself or if it’s some act to blameshift. Id understand if i snooped on her and nothing was going on, but… I was fucking right? She was having an affair? So.. like.. how does her brain even function?

    • Trust they suck. They are like zombies- no empathy, no integrity. Destroying everyone to get what they want. Toxic as fuck.

    • Yes, blameshifting. They’ll latch on to anything that you’ve potentially done wrong in their eyes, especially when busting them.

    • Her brain functions on a tidal wave of entitlement. If she wants something, she gets to have it. If someone ruins her “fun” they are the bad guy because they stopped her from getting what she wanted.

    • Nordic, their brains DO NOT function. At least not like ours do. They are disordered. Sociopaths have no empathy for others; they only want cake and opportunity and no consequences. I am convinced they are defective permanently.

  • A chance to snark at the RIC? Wouldn’t miss it.

    This pile of steaming cow plop comes from a suitably disreputable source- Focus on the Family. Yummy!

    “Do not make any quick decisions about ending your marriage. Begin the process of healing your heart—identifying your emotions and grieving the impact of the affair.”

    Don’t make any quick decisions about ending contact with your rapist. Let him/her/them be in a position to continue to rape you for at least six more months before deciding if there’s a future as a happy victim. Don’t forget to take a few spare rape free minutes each day so you can heal your heart. Know that your rapist wants the best for you and will cooperate.

    “Unnecessarily graphic information can do additional harm.”

    You might not be able to convince your victim that a re-raping is in order, so be cautious with any revelations. For example, if your victim asks for a name, just say it’s Justin(e) Justafriend. That way your victim won’t be able to find your soul mate co-rapist on Facebook and discover you moved in with him/her three months ago. Don’t be careless with any other information either.The only thing you really need to say is ILYBINILWY and variations of YUBS (you use bagged salad). Anything more would be harmful, unless it’s to tell your victim other reason why s/he is deficient. That is helpful information victims can use to grow from the experience.

    “Give each other individual space.”

    Move in with your soul mate for a while to get space. Don’t worry, kids are resilient. Just be sure to keep in regular touch with your victim to insure h/she is making the changes you require and is amenable to more rape once you’ve had enough space.

    “Make every effort not to neglect your physical health.”

    Eat kale while your victim eats shit.

    “Take a time-out when you need to de-escalate emotions.”

    Run away and hide in the cellar when your victim catches you sexting with your soul mate again.

    “The intensity of the disclosure may motivate the offending spouse to return to the affair partner for escape or comfort. Be careful of these pitfalls, and guard against them.”

    After being confronted about rape, your rapist may find relief from the intensity of the disclosure by engaging in more rape. You can guard against this by dancing the Fuckwit Flamenco like your feet are on fire.

    “The key is to find people who can walk with you through the healing process of recovering from an affair and remain unbiased, supporting you with whatever you need.”

    Don’t listen to anyone who tells you your rapist meant to rape you and that you should hold him/her accountable for it. Obviously, that person doesn’t care about helping your relationship to grow through the healing journey that is rape, rape and more rape.

    • ????????????????

      Absolutely *brilliant* OHFFS!

      I especially love “Fuckwit Flamenco” and “YUBS”. ????????

    • If only the world at large could see cheating for the rape that it is. I make this analogy constantly. They do what they want and take what they want without regard for anyone except themselves. I did not give consent to be treated this way, sexually or otherwise. And now I am forced to parent alongside my rapist.

  • A chance to snark at the RIC? Wouldn’t miss it.

    This pile of steaming cow plop comes from a suitably disreputable source- Focus on the Family. Yummy!

    “Do not make any quick decisions about ending your marriage. Begin the process of healing your heart—identifying your emotions and grieving the impact of the affair.”

    Don’t make any quick decisions about ending contact with your rapist. Let him/her/them be in a position to continue to rape you for at least six more months before deciding if there’s a future as a happy victim. Don’t forget to take a few spare rape free minutes each day so you can heal your heart. Know that your rapist wants the best for you and will cooperate.

    “Unnecessarily graphic information can do additional harm.”

    You might not be able to convince your victim that a re-raping is in order, so be cautious with any revelations. For example, if your victim asks for a name, just say it’s Justin(e) Justafriend. That way your victim won’t be able to find your soul mate co-rapist on Facebook and discover you moved in with him/her three months ago. Don’t be careless with any other information either.The only thing you really need to say is ILYBINILWY and variations of YUBS (you use bagged salad). Anything more would be harmful, unless it’s to tell your victim other reason why s/he is deficient. That is helpful information victims can use to grow from the experience.

    “Give each other individual space.”

    Move in with your soul mate for a while to get space. Don’t worry, kids are resilient. Just be sure to keep in regular touch with your victim to insure h/she is making the changes you require and is amenable to more rape once you’ve had enough space.

    “Make every effort not to neglect your physical health.”

    Eat kale while your victim eats shit.

    “Take a time-out when you need to de-escalate emotions.”

    Run away and hide in the cellar when your victim catches you sexting with your soul mate again.

    “The intensity of the disclosure may motivate the offending spouse to return to the affair partner for escape or comfort. Be careful of these pitfalls, and guard against them.”

    After being confronted about rape, your rapist may find relief from the intensity of the disclosure by engaging in more rape. You can guard against this by dancing the Fuckwit Flamenco like your feet are on fire.

    “The key is to find people who can walk with you through the healing process of recovering from an affair and remain unbiased, supporting you with whatever you need.”

    Don’t listen to anyone who tells you your rapist meant to rape you and that you should hold him/her accountable for it. Obviously, that person doesn’t care about helping your relationship to grow through the healing journey that is rape, rape and more rape.

  • “You can’t not talk. You have a pathological need to discuss everything.” And also “you’re don’t open up to anyone. You keep everything to yourself.”

    UBT – “my arguments are spaghetti. I throw out contradictory statements to see what sticks.”

    • Exactly! I was accused both of being too frigid and not providing for his sexual needs, and also of being too available, so that he never learned self-control. If he was proven wrong about something, he just changed his accusation to match.

  • FW: “Please remember I once loved you very deeply.”
    UBT: “I remembered you have that signed motor vehicle transfer I gave you for my beloved Porsche as reparations after the first time I cheated on you, and I really hope you don’t come and take the car.”

    • The ex texted if we could work something out about one of his motorcycles that was in the agreement I would get. I must have said no or not responded because he texted again- really? You’re going to take my motorcycle?
      There were other things that the moving company removed that day( it was on his parents property. He had stuff hidden all over including different counties that I didn’t find out until after the divorce) but that was one thing I enjoyed seeing loaded. I know he was peeking out the window and at this point I hadn’t seen him in over a year. I had absolutely no use for it and sold it but my financial advisor said get anything I could sell.
      He didn’t give a fuck about us but felt entitled to everything.
      I had to go to his attorney and sign property to him separately and pick up what he had to sign over because I refused to meet his abusive ass in person. Then next line is to go and have them titled in your name. I found out last year when he took me to court that he had not removed my name from a car and motorcycle. No follow through as usual. You’re not the boss of me. For many reasons, I was livid that he continued to drive something in my name. That wasn’t even addressed. I’m hoping they no longer operate.

  • Some favorites:
    Him: “It was a sloooooow bend in the road.”
    Me: “Yeah, a four year road only you and Knob Polisher were on. I wasn’t invited on that road that YOU bent.”
    Him: “I was a FANTASTIC father. I COACHED.”
    Me: “A fantastic father doesn’t cheat on and humiliate his family. The coaching was image management.”
    Him: “You are a completely disordered and emotionally immature person. Here’s an article from Psychology Today for you to read.”

    The above article courtesy of my ex father in law who is also a serial cheating, aging/aged hippie THERAPIST with slightly longish hair….you know the douchie type.

    Me: “With all due respect, where in this article is there any mention of disordered/emotionally immature individuals having 4 year secret affairs and leading double lives?, and furthermore, those (ex Father in Law) who contract herpes from the neighbor should not be dispensing relationship advice.”

    • Same with the coaching and only parenting if it gets applause or likes. Now he’s an absent parent.

  • I already submitted one, but I just thought of another great one. I discovered that FW was not only cheating on me but also had a big fraud scheme going in order to finance his hooker problem. One aspect involved getting charity funds from a local organization to assist low income families with school costs. He gave fake paperwork to a friend of mine who worked at the organization, knowing that she wouldn’t scrutinize it very closely, since she knew us well. He told her not to tell me about it, because he didn’t want to embarrass me about getting charity funds.
    Well, I found out about that, and I said, “How could you steal from my friend?”
    He said, “I didn’t steal from your friend. You are such a drama queen. I stole from her employer!”
    I said, “But you stole from her organization through her! You gave her fake paperwork!”
    He said, “I would have done that anyway. It wasn’t personal or because she was your friend. You overreact to everything!”
    Still infuriates me, even years later!

    • I didn’t steal from your friend…I stole from her employer!” This should get some kind of prize. What an incredible sense of entitlement. He might have gotten your friend in trouble. I bet he loved the triple helping of duper’s delight: you, your friend and her employer.

  • “I was trying to figure out how to fix our marriage. I’ve been constantly praying for help and answers”.
    Ah, well I’m sorry I was so quick to anger, I didn’t realize God told you the answer was between another womans legs.

    • This reminded me. Recently my daughter in law told me that several years ago whore told her that she felt that God had sent her to whoremonger just when he needed her.

      My daughter in law said “God does not send a woman to steal another woman’s husband”

      We were talking about things through the years, after my brother and his wife had died; and a lot of stuff came up. She hated whore, and she tolerated whoremonger as best she could. And not because of me, but because whore and whoremonger treated her and her kids poorly, not to mention my son.

  • First cheating was six weeks after the birth of our oldest, after which he claimed “you and her are the most important people in my life!”. Then my ex had an EA/planned to cheat on me when our kids were 4 and 6. After a few months of wreckonciliation I tearfully asked him “but you always wanted to have kids, why are you walking away from our family?” His answer: “I always wanted children, I never said anything about an intact family.”

    Silly me for assuming…

    • Well, once we’re over the pain and shock, it’s great that they actually showed us who and what they are.

  • I got this gem, “we are two good people on different paths.”
    Really! The lazy, lying, cheating path versus the faithful, unsuspecting, hardworking and good character path. Hmm…

  • Same ol’ sad excuses. I was unhappy, you made me unhappy, so I screwed the receptionist at work, and it’s your fault I was fired for it.

    • Except in my case, where the FW XW was the administrative assistant. Or as she tried to tell the marriage counselor, just a coworker. No, whore. You fucked your married, richer, 15 years older boss to get what you coveted: his vacation home on an island off Maine, and all the fun in life you felt I was no longer providing you (aka not providing enough money). All it cost was what little integrity you still had, my love/our marriage, our family (specifically our kids’ stability and faith in their parents). Oh, and free tuition for college for the kids. That’s just the highlights. Hope it was worth it. The karma bus has hit them both already. It may come back for more. Only time will tell!????

    • Oh, I did that wrong.

      Translation: “For the benefit of my new GF, I’d like to pretend it was never sexual. So she’ll let me keep my hooks in you indefinitely.”

    • “I feel about you like a sister.”

      I asked fuckwit if he was in love with the rat faced whore.

      Him:(indignantly) No! I think of her as a daughter!

      Me: You want to fuck your daughter?

      • Good God, the depravity of some men.

        I love ‘rat faced whore’, I’ve used it myself in the past. The abiding favourite of my fuckwit, however, was a horse-toothed whore with bolt-on cheap plastic tits. Was always convinced she was covering up a past drug addiction or something…

    • My ex told my mother in law that he would always love me just like a sister. Who would ever treat their sister like this? He abandoned me and my kids for the AP and provided 0 financial support for 20 plus months. He has never made a child support payment since the divorce went through. I wouldn’t treat a dog the way he has treated me and my kids, let alone my beloved sister. And also ???? to the whole sister thing because that is a weird thing to say about one’s WIFE….

      • “My ex told my mother in law that he would always love me just like a sister. Who would ever treat their sister like this?”

        Henry VIII said the same thing about Katherine of Aragon. Even 400 years ago…

  • Ex: (joyfully) Should we tell everyone we’re pregnant??
    Me-BT: Let’s flaunt to everyone just how happy you are to carry my offspring! How excited you are to rear children with ME, the sex offender against children!

    Me: Why didn’t you tell me sooner about your sex addiction? We could have gotten you help earlier and prevented things getting so bad.
    Ex: Well you always had so much of your own stuff going on, I thought one of us had to be the strong one.
    Me-BT: Your mental health problems which were exacerbated by my emotional abuse are what made me commit felonies against children. I knew you were too weak to handle this. I couldn’t risk you having boundaries or a bottom line you wouldn’t cross. If you knew, you would have left me! And *I* am so strong, but *you’re* so weak, it would have crushed you. See how much I care!

  • “She’s Ralph’s sister,” said to explain why he couldn’t possibly be having any sort of affair or flirtation with the MOW.

    • Translated as: “Nobody can know that Ralph’s sister has had a thing for me for years because she’s married now and I would look bad if I openly pursued her. If she got a divorce, I’d have to deal with her kids who still have HS and college ahead of them. Besides, I prefer women when I can take my time to pry them away from their husbands, their kids, their families, and their moral values in secret.” “She’s Ralph’s sister” was both a defense (“how could I be interested in my friend’s sister? That’s preposterous!”) and an explanation of how delicious the kibbles were to be hero-worshipped by a married woman reliving her middle school crush.

  • “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

    UBT – I didn’t think about you at all. I didn’t think about the consequences. I only think about myself.

    • In a nutshell…
      This is really the truth. We really were of no consequence, as In my case after 32 years and four children. Its unfathomable.

      • The ex looked at me in horror when I said ‘there are consequences to your actions’. Panic high pitched squeak, ‘what consequences, what consequences?’ I looked him in the eye, nodded sagely, and replied ‘consequences’. Stunned silence. It had not crossed his lawyer mind that I, a lawyer doormat for 26 years, would do anything other than smile sweetly and give him what he wanted ie sell the house, split equity 50/50 and both hang on to our pensions. I was 60, he was 53. I had been overpaying the mortgage and all the bills except the core mortgage payment which he had always insisted on paying (now I know why). My pension pot was therefore smaller than his. He denied that I had made any financial contribution. While walking round the house in shorts and t-shirt with the heating on full blast in the middle of winter because he had to ‘feel comfortable’. He and exgfOW had spent years planning how they were going to get maximum value out of their intended to be ex spouses. They hadn’t planned on this ex spouse fighting back, sucked dry though I was. I’m sure that he believes my 57% of the assets to be a shafting for him. Because special ones shouldn’t have to face consequences. Most of the time I don’t care about him and her. Some days, today, I care enough to wish that the karma bus would flatten the pair of them. They are nasties!

  • “You go to bed so early like an old person and I am more social than you are.”

    Translation: I really enjoy sleeping with my howorker all through the night after getting sloppy drunk while on business trips. It’s really your fault since you aren’t fun & spontaneous enough to meet my needs.

    “Some men might be ok having a pretty wife that doesn’t do anything.”

    Translation: My affair is your fault because you are lazy and boring. Parenting babies/small children while I’m away on regular business trips proves how lazy & boring you are.

    “Honey, why don’t you ever get dressed up for me. Here, I bought you some new dresses. Some women like to dress like this.”

    Translation: You don’t dress sexy enough for me. I’ll try to fix you so I don’t have to cheat on you anymore.

  • “How could you? I told you not to discuss our marital problems with anyone and you went to your therapist.”

    UBT–Over the space of a month, I disclosed our marital problems to my female co-worker, thus bonding with her. A limerance thing, you know? I have these crushes, you see. Like a 12-year-old boy. Not long after, we shared an intimate dinner, and, afterwards, she texted that she loved me and was almost home. I don’t know what it means but I’m confused.

  • 12/6/2022 will be my 30 year anniversary. I first discovered EA in 2010. FW begged and pleaded for me not to leave. Fast forward to 2022 and multiple EAs. I put up with all his fucking shit because I believed that I would literally die without him. In Jan 2022 the switch finally went off. I told him I want him out of my life. We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms since then. He refuses to accept my decision and has tried to make me feel guilty for wanting to throw away a 30 year farce based only EAs. According to him, if it is not a physical affair, it is not an affair…wtff. Never mind the lies, crazy making…..

    In May 2022 I recorded a conversation between FW and his brother wherein FW was bitching how cruel and cold-hearted I have become. How I want to throw away everything ” based only on what I know”????Clearly there was more…

    He proceeded to tell his brother that I only know that he communicated inappropriately with a certain ‘whore’ via chat, BUT I don’t know that he had a physical relationship with the said ‘whore’. He proceeded to call me a whore that is full of shit as I had the cheek to snoop.

    When I confronted him with this new info, he denied having a PA claiming what he meant when he said ‘physical ‘ relationship is that he physically saw her and greeted her. How the fuck do you even begin to reason or get any sort of closure from this kind of disordered mind??

    Everything about him disgusts me to the core. Unfortunately I know that our divorce will be ugly. He has threatened to kill me and put his hands around my neck on the last occassion I told him that it is over. He threatened to commit suicide. Manipulation at it’s best, but I believe that he is capable of carrying out his threats.

    My youngest son is in his final school year. He has had enough drama in his life because of all our arguments. If I proceed with divorce steps now all hell will break lose. I don’t want this for my son at this stage.

    However, as soon as my son writes his final exam I will do what I should have done 12 years ago.

    Thank you CL and CN. I see clearly now????

    • Alive & Kicking your post is haunting me & I am afraid it is getting buried in all the snarky UBT posts.

      I hope you mean you have a safety plan and that you are getting out this June. “He has threatened to kill me and put his hands around my neck on the last occassion I told him that it is over.”
      This is a definite warning sign of escalating violence by an abuser.
      Please tell us you are working with a DV agency & have a go bag ready.

    • I have the same fear for you. You’ve confronted him with info, and he has threatened you physically, going as far as to put his hands around your neck. That could have been a practice run or warm up, and may have fed his fantasies of going through with killing you through strangulation or other means. TAke this seriously, and take it to an attorney AND a domestic violence shelter. We think it can’t happen to us. It can.

    • Here to say I am gravely concerned as well. There are members here with the most horrible stories to tell of their ex’s turning violent. Please step carefully and get free in the safest way possible for you and your child.

    • Another vote for having an exit plan and go bags ready bonus points for car fueled up and plans for hotels and or plane tix! The end of any marriage is hard, throw in an affair partner of any type who sees you as an obstacle constantly reminding your spouse she’d like you gone , plus an angry spouse who has been lying and cheating for so long and you might find yourself so conditioned to serious dysfunction that you might put up with these serious threats because in FW land its business as usual. Please please A&K – have a plan ready to go and don’t wait for closure cheaters will never let you have it. Your spouse said and showed he’s capable of violence, even though he’s lied about a ton of things please don’t test this one too long it might be the one thing he’s saying thats true…. We are rooting for you. Make a plan and be around for your son and your new chapter in life. Stay safe!!!

    • Hands around the neck is a red flag for deadly violence. Please protect yourself, get advice from a DV organization and a lawyer, have a safety plan, and if you choose to stay until your some has graduated, then do not let your plans of leaving be known to your husband.

  • Another beauty:
    Him: “It was MY job to make you happy. It was YOUR job to let me make you happy”.
    Me: “Huh? I guess neither one of us was doing our job then….”
    Good God….this after a four year double life…..The mind-fuckery is never ending.

  • After DDay #3 (????????‍♀️) I asked “why didn’t you just leave instead of cheat again?” His response “I loved our life”

    UBT: I’m a chicken-shitted coward who likes the image being married gives but likes strange also. So I’ll just fuck everyone over (literally and figuratively) so I can have what I want. I’m happy. Who gives a shit about everyone else?

    P.S. my response was “not enough to be faithful. We’re getting a divorce”.

    • Well done! Looks like you’re not the chumpiest, after all.

  • My divorce is almost finalized and “recently” started putting himself out there again (I’m skeptical that it was only “recently”, but I digress…) He told me the other day he only wants to date Asian women, and
    sent me this text the other night, which I’ve broken up into three parts:

    “I’m looking for an Asian woman this time. No yankees or white princesses.”
    Translation: FBI, open up! We’ve got ourselves an incel right here!

    “It’s been SUCH a culture shock when I actually made a profile on an Asian site. I got FLOODED with messages. Like, 50.”
    Translation: I’m such a thirsty boy, even sex bots excite me!

    “Did some research, found out a lot of Asian cultures look for white partners. Most of their famous people are half white. They hate dark skin because of invasion from Mongols.”
    Translation: Oh boy, here I go being racist, fetishizing Asian women, and pretending to be educated again!

      • I’m getting closer to NC each day. That conversation was the catalyst that finally got me to install talking parents, because he also spammed our chat with pictures of women he was supposedly chatting with and a note that said “Maybe one of them will love me and appreciate my attemps to move past my mistakes and be a better man.” Translation: I haven’t actually changed at all, as evidenced by all the Thai thirst trap pictures I’m sending you, but maybe one of them will tolerate my cheating and out of control porn addiction.

        • Or maybe he’s conversing with overgrown boys still living in their mama’s basement who make their money this way, or a coffee-shop full of Nigerians who also have this scheme going, using photos of hookers or “influencers” with the desired race and look. They work in shifts, responding to emails, so there emails are often nonsensical and disjointed. Ask me how I know.

          • “Coffee shop full of Nigerians” – that made me laugh – those evil scammers preying on abusive asses. If only they weren’t also stealing from innocent people it’d be great – coz he *is* trying to prey on real women. “I’m not emotionally healthy to sustain a relationship with a lovely woman I treat as an equal. Nope, I’m a racist who believes all Asian women are submissive. I prefer to continue my abusive ways so I’ll seek a “relationship” with an Asian woman (overseas) desperate to avoid poverty that I can treat as a house slave.” They really do continue to suck.

            Ps “I also believe these women are really attracted to my deluded & entitled old ass coz I’m just that magnificent. They told me so.” Sigh.

            (I’m not saying people can’t go online & genuinely fall in love but the concern here is discriminatory targeting.)

  • “I think you should fill that anti-depressant prescription your doctor gave you. We can’t go on like this…”

    Translation: Again, your fault I’m cheating on you. You are depressed. Couldn’t possibly be the criticism, gaslighting & manipulation that I dole out regularly in attempt to squash any guilt or empathy towards you while I spend years screwing my howorker on business trips.

  • “I think I never truly loved you. I can see this now I have found real true love with her.”

    UBT: “I have never truly thought about anything except getting my dick wet. I see this now it’s been dipping into her a lot. “

  • At one point, while trying to have a discussion about all this (chumpy move, of course), and me trying to wrap my brain around the growing evidence, I yelled out in frustration: “If you didn’t cheat on me, then tell me what I’m doing knowing from you the names of THREE different women…”

    He squirmed and squealed: “…You’re trying to trick me!!!”

  • Maybe this doesn’t count, I’m not sure. Deeper and deeper into the devaluation (the ‘distance, abuse + sudden ‘new/old female friend’, explosion’ cycle) he would bait me into arguments. Deep into the fog, I often fell for this, I became someone I didn’t recognise. I’d gone from being a calm but assertive person to being a person who screamed back and privately started punching doors in frustration. I was like a coiled spring.

    In retrospect, this had the double benefit of making me look crazy and giving him an excuse to storm off and create time for the flavour of the moment.

    Onto the bullshit.

    At some point, I picked up on the baiting. I was still terrified of putting a foot wrong but I took a breath and said, “you’re taking me out of context. I don’t know if you’re wilfully ignoring my point or if you genuinely don’t get it”.

    He had so little fear of me and respect for me that he straight up replied, “I _know_ you don’t mean x. But I take it that you did, so I’m going to reply as if you did.”

    I’ve known some knobheads in my life but this level of narcissism is something else.

    • I can relate to so much of what you just wrote, Sally. Yikes, what a relief to be free of that.

      My ex would do things to push me to the absolute edge of sanity. Then to push me over the edge — or to regain his slipping control, which required ever more drastic measures as I came to understand and accept the truth, identify the abusive patterns, and stand my ground — he’d come up with the meanest, most untrue things he could. They were (almost) laughably untrue, the opposite of the reality: “You don’t give a shit about my medical procedure. You don’t care about my family. You wish I was still drinking. You don’t want me to spend time with my family. You kept abandoning me. You don’t honor the memory of my father. You only care about this house, not me. Your hate is literally giving me heart problems, and if I die after this, it’s your fault. You’re abusive. You’re blocking me because you’re a bully and you only want to talk if you can get your way.” It’s darkly fascinating to me now that this baiting worked on me for as long as it did. I understand the world very differently now that I see how distorted my own thinking was. These were absolute softballs, and I kept swinging.

      Which, as you point out, Sally, made it all the easier for him to vilify me and paint me as crazy. I knew he was lying, but it was still hard to believe a person would intentionally wound me using my best qualities and the very things I’d sacrificed for him. Even at my worst, I was never cruel or dishonest, and I’d *never* felt or acted the way I did while trying to hold onto reality, and even life itself, while facing worsening gaslighting and abuse. So to make matters worse, part of me did believe what he was telling me: essentially, that I was a terrible, worthless, unlovable person. Because I really did feel like one. I guess that worked for him.

      • “I knew he was lying, but it was still hard to believe a person would intentionally wound me using my best qualities and the very things I’d sacrificed for him.”

        I’m sorry you were put through the ringer in such a cruel way, part of that ringer being him perverting your own words and actions when you thought all for the best.

        Predictably it followed a similar pattern for me; that I ‘didn’t want him to have any friends’ (no, I wanted him to have better quality friends and less fEmAlE fRiEnDs) and obviously that I was dependent, miserable, etc (I was hundreds of miles from family and not allowed to have a job). Over the years, his methods cycled and when one method stopped provoking me, he’d move onto the next, which is part of how I worked out he was talking shit. He never paid me compliments and he always insisted he liked me as a person but couldn’t name one reason why. All love and sex was completely withdrawn by the end so that there was absolutely nothing there and I couldn’t lie to myself any longer.

        The pandemic became an excuse to ramp this behaviour up to a 1000 and when I started privately making plans to take my life (this was a mere two weeks into first lockdown), he was still triangulating me, isolating me and saying disgusting things every waking moment that he deigned to be around me. It was like a switch flipped the second lockdown was announced. Three months into this daily torment I ended up going supernova on him and his bitch and walking out while he pretended to cry on the floor.

        In retrospect, bread&roses, their hysteria is amusing. I hope you’ve gotten to that stage in your healing. The “WAH GIVE ME MY OWN WAY, YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT MY FAMILY WAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!” and other such ridiculous notions. They know these are lies. That’s why even in the fog, we mostly reacted with Surprised Pikachu face.

        “So to make matters worse, part of me did believe what he was telling me: essentially, that I was a terrible, worthless, unlovable person. Because I really did feel like one. I guess that worked for him.”
        This was definitely the intention. We’re far easier to manipulate when we don’t like ourselves. A message repeated often enough gets believed, which is why I’m taking time to recalibrate how I view myself and how I deal with conflicts and abuses in future. When you say no, you say yes to yourself. And you’re worth that.

        Never defend, never explain. Boundaries are non-negotiable but people are. If a toddler spent two hours screaming at you that you were a poo-poo head, would you panic and bend over backwards explaining that you aren’t a poo-poo head, mounting a defence of all the nappies you’ve changed etc? No, you’d go, “that’s nice, dear” and walk away until they’d tired themselves out. In future, you must frame adult hysteria in the same fashion.

        The healing path is hard but if you tolerated that level of abuse for so long, then I know you can do this too.

        You’re worth love, life, protection, everything good that is out there. Spread your light but protect its source. I hope you have a wonderful life.

  • After I busted him in another lie, I told him to stay somewhere else for the night, I would leave an overnight bag on the porch.
    From there on out, the problem was not his lying, but that I threw him out of the house. I asked him to stay somewhere else one night! He went to his mother’s 20 minutes away. He could have booked himself a suite at a hotel for all I cared. He wasn’t left cold and naked with no money on the streets for heaven’s sake. He had his car, his wallet, I packed him an overnight bag that he picked up. But no, it wasn’t his constant lying that was the problem, it was my getting fed up with it. Bleh. Can I have DARVO for 200 Alex?

  • I got
    “I just don’t have butterflies for you anymore.”
    Not shit Sherlock. It’s been 14 years. Do you think o still have butterflies!? But can’t compete with that when he had them for someone else.

    • Or mine…”After all these years (25), every time you walk in the room I still get butterflies.”

      This said just weeks before DDay where I got to learn he’d been cheating on me for 13 years. At least. And quite savagely including stealing money off the top for hookers and the largest sex toy collection you’ve ever seen. Sooooo butterflies don’t mean shit. And they are liars anyway. In my case maybe the butterflies were because he was nervous I’d walk in on him having a conversation or online chat with his next hook up!

  • “But … but … but … I LOVE you!!!!”


    “My multiple fuckbuddies can’t do things like cook my dinner or impress my family and my boss.”

    • “But I chose YOU.” (Notice I didn’t say I chose ONLY you… wink wink.)

      Variation of: “But I LOVE you.” You nailed the UBT, Walk By Myself.

      Cheaters are such entitled hypocrites. Even if they were capable of genuine love and commitment (which they’re not); even if they temporarily believed that they meant these statements when they uttered them…
      Did they ever stop to think how much it mattered to them that *we* genuinely chose and loved *them* all along? It did nothing to hamper them from leading double lives. If anything, it fueled their abuse of us. Worthless.

      I no longer pity sad sausages — neither my ex nor other abusive criminals I hear about. They deserve every bad consequence that befalls them; chances are, they’ve already caused innocent others (i.e. their partners and children) to experience far worse, for years or even decades. I imagine this comes off as harsh and unfeeling, but it’s not: I choose to care about and empathize with their victims, instead.

  • Him: When I get home, I’m going to hold your hand and we are going to talk about everything and work it out.

    UBT: When I get home, I’m going to continue to pine after my GF/AP while I avoid conversation and make you beg me for affection. You know like the good old days.

    Mmm no thanks, I’m full.

  • After Snakeface started going to sweatlodge ceremonies with Spiritual Slut, and I began to object to how much time he was spending with her and to how close they were becoming, he told me he’d opened up to her about the affair he had about ten years before, when our oldest child was still just a baby. “She listened without judging me. It’s helped me heal.” Translation: I’m banging her/will be banging her pretty shortly because the soulmates you bang don’t judge you, especially when they’re also married. We can also use our shared spirituality to excuse us in the eyes of the supportive people we love. Everyone else, including you, can just eff off.”

    • There’s nothing like bonding over a past affair with your current affair partner, right?

      • Oh yes. Cheaters finding refuge from their immorality together. How romantic.

    • I’m pretty sure “she listened without judging me” translates to “she plays the pick me dance better than you do.”

  • I was covered in bruises from the latest beating when shouted “but that’s NOT who I am”!!!! Kudda fooled me! I thought that was EXACTLY who you were!

    • Nothing is more definitive than welts and fractures. What a monster.

  • Sometimes I wish that Knave-man had offered me something for the UBT translator; it would have been satisfying to see him fit the pattern. Instead, he went straight to the Narcissus pool to linger at his reflection:
    “Of course, I love cake; it’s the best!”
    “I need a more exhilarating life than you do.”
    “Interesting women want to be with me; they don’t care that I’m married.”
    “Intelligence in a woman is almost irresistible when it matches mine.”
    “You know me; I’m a dynamic force of nature that requires stimulation frequently.”

    When I asked why, if our relationship wasn’t enough, did he not do the honorable thing and end it before he
    sought stimulation elsewhere, he replied,
    “then I wouldn’t have cake!”

    • “Intelligence in a woman is almost irresistible when it matches mine.”

      So he likes them dumb, does he?

    • You gotta love his honesty. What a completely intolerable human being.

  • I never imagined a life without you.

    Translation: I thought you’d keep buying my phony playing dumb act.

    You just want to be miserable.

    Translation: how dare you refuse to paint a phony smile on your face and pretend everything is fine just like I do.

    I’m not good at relationships.

    Translation: I’m a lying piece of shit who has poor boundaries, needs ex gf attention, and am uncomfortable/obsessed with image management so I play dumb and gaslight.

    I’ve done a poor job of including you in my life.

    Translation: having my wife around fucks up the atmosphere with my whore.

    Are you cheating on me? I’m worried that I’m easy to replace.

    Translation: I’m a piece of shit so I worry that you are too.

    And yes….he was not only easy to replace, it was easy for me to upgrade.

    • @Kim
      Yes yes yes to the last one.
      The FW always said that, always accusing me of cheating and was always trying to catch ME in lies. Can’t lie if there’s nothing to lie about. But that’s something they don’t understand, honesty and integrity are beyond their intellect.

    • “I’ve done a poor job of including you in my life” reminds me of a fuckwit line…
      “I married you but never ACCEPTED you”
      What kind of bullshit, gibblediguck garbage is this?

  • I got a whole bunch of good ones in my mediation in January from both him and his lawyer.

    Him-I have guilt and I just need the opportunity to move on. I’ve been in a holding pattern and it’s so hard.

    Meaning- I don’t feel guilt I “have” guilt and I know I should feel bad but I don’t have feels, so all good. I’m blaming you for me not engaging in the separation after I fucked you over. But I really wanted to keep my hooks in you so it’s been lots of fun dragging this out. I’m so damn clever. I bet she hates this.

    His lawyer- Mr Fuckwit has had to acquire temporary housing while FormerlyKnownAs has been luxuriating in the family home.

    Meaning-Because he has not paid child support consistently and he makes a lot of money, and he has his affair partner’s income, and they spend a lot of money, and they’re both inept. They have a lot, but they spend too much. They found a very expensive apartment ($1000/per week) in the most premier location in town right on the beach. The tax department was showing up all the time trying to collect money. Bill collectors clamped his car. So they had to move to another city. Thus his shelter keeps becoming temporary.

    Him- If FormerlyKnownAs pays for 90% of the deferred maintenance in the home. I’ll kick in the rest.

    Meaning-I won’t be paying anything. As usual. Because I’m clever and special and I need my money for S&M gear and Cos play outfits for schmoops.

    I could go on but it’s depressing me.

  • “Why does your brother let his daughters wear their shorts so short?!?”
    “Why does he let them wear so much makeup!?!”

    “Why is your brother’s wife always posting pictures on social media and making your brother go to all those theme parties?!? Your brother’s smile looks like he’s dead inside”

    “Insert other times he bad mouthed female coworkers”

    Translation: I masturbate to barely legal-aged lingerie models. I also cropped pictures of your brother’s oldest daughter’s butt and face to add to my “secret” masturbation files. I have known her since she was 11yrs old but now as and “adult” she’s another piece of flesh to add to my fantasy picture collection,…which also includes your brother’s wife!
    My creepy perv collection also includes pictures of my coworkers I cropped from their social media profiles.
    Oh, yeh also I have sex with the married coworkers I was always complaining about to you. I also screwed the married babysitter. I also have a chin implant that looks like straight up flattened testicles.

  • After failing a lie detector test during the RIC debacle, FW sent me some hysterical email yammering about how the “passion” between us had faltered and the affair had been a fruitless search to renew “passion.” I just rewrote the whole thing and substituted the words passion and love for “muh dick.”

    I can’t remember it verbatim but here’s the basic gist: “Back when we were first married, it was all about muh dick. Over the years, muh dick was no longer our focus and began to wither and shrink. You were all about the kids and your crusades and it was like muh dick was sidelined…”

  • “You invaded my privacy so I want a divorce”
    UBT: How dare you not trust me. The issue here is not what I did it is that you don’t trust me and snooped.

    • The problem is not the problem. You knowing about the problem is the problem.

  • After ex left on Dday I found emails on an old device. I knew the OW slightly and sent her an email expressing my disgust. I received an email back from ex saying email was upset that I had questioned her integrity as she prided herself on It! I soon let them know what integrity was and that they had none.

  • After DD#3 and several months after I moved out, FW insisted that we talk in person. I suspect that schmoopie was demanding some sort of assurance that he had put an end to any talk of reconciliation. He only offered me some more vague and sad trickle truth, leaving it to me (as always) to press for clarity.

    The oddest thing he said was that he felt unable to concentrate, disassociated and “somehow closer to his friends” who had died in the previous few years. I guess he was feeling especially connected to her late husband. He never did admit to the sexual part of the relationship with his dying friend’s wife., but I had found her K-Y jelly in my guest room.

    I filed for divorce and I’m sure they are self-described as a comfort for each other. Bullshit.

  • False equivalencies – after I finally managed to leave FW, stayed 14yrs after many many D days and put through the RIC machine until I was numb. FW told me that my not telling him was unhappy for the first decade of our marriage was the same I him not telling me about his secret sex life during that time, so we were equally responsible for the failure of our marriage.

    I told him he was psychotic. (He really didn’t like that. )

  • I’ve already submitted one, but I keep thinking of more!
    “I didn’t lie. I just omitted the truth.”
    UBT – I am a narcissistic, garbage human who doesn’t want to take responsibility or accountability for my actions.

  • My ex was here for 40 days total the first eleven months of our second child’s life. She dipped out one night at 7 PM, when both kids were still awake, back to her hotel room. Without telling me. When I realized she had Irish Exited (again) when I called her out on it she responded with:

    “Parenting is a blast and I love being a parent. Part of that is also being safe and I was ensuring the roads weren’t too bad. I asked you politely to not come into kits room and you disregarded that. I made the assumption, perhaps incorrectly, that you could get her back to sleep since you decided to go in there.

    I have no interest in entertaining a string of mean texts tonight, I’m not built for it.”

    She left me 7 weeks pregnant with a toddler. Moved 2000 miles away. Left me again 40 hours after our son was born. Managing an entire household and four animals to boot. She was hardly present for the last two years while she was entertaining numerous affairs pretending she didn’t abandon an entire family. But “parenting is *surely* a blast” when you can dip in and vanish whenever you want.

  • From the idiot…”I’m very much single!”

    Translation: I realize that we’re still married, but the other woman has dumped me for the third time and I think this time it’s for good, so won’t you cancel the divorce now? You were such a good wife appliance and I need that back in my life.

  • For my UBT translation.
    My 8 year old daughter is having a sleep over party at my house . Being a single male, I asked the nanny who helps me with the school run to stay overnight and help me to look after the girls.
    My ex-wife is offended , that I didn’t ask her. So I had to spell out to her that I don’t want her to sleep over at my house . She is welcome to attend in the evening but should leave once the girls go to bed.
    Her only reply was ” I will come to “your house “.
    The translation for that is : I cheated on you and took a large sum of cash. But really, the family home to which I never contributed financially, should be mine post divorce, because I am special – and you are a human punching bag which absorbs every blow and spits out money.

  • I have posted this before but i think its worth an additional round.

    ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you.’
    (Ever since i gave myself permission to lust after and then fuck my old girlfriend from 45 years ago. Such a coincidence!) What? You think I should have put some love and effort into the marriage? What do you mean? I don’t understand.

    ‘We grew apart.’
    Sure we did. We grew apart after 32 years of marriage because I detached from you to justify pursuing the fuck woman. I treated you with such distain and contempt that you feebly tried to defend yourself, and then I could tell the whore that you were crazy, that we had ‘drifted apart.’

    ‘I’ve been unhappy for 10 years. I’ve wanted to leave you for years.’
    (Since that old gf slut started emailing me and slathering me with praise, and we decided to meet for coffee and then lunch, I’ve come to see how bad my life with you is! Such a crappy existence, having fun with friends and family, travelling, golfing, skiing, hiking. I never realized how rotten it all was until the whore got my dick to rise up! (But only for a short time) She smiles at me all the time and agrees with me all the time. We have so much in common from the 1970’s! We are so perfect together! We should never have broken up 45 years ago, even though we fought all the time and had totally different goals!

    ‘She is my soul mate.’
    (She is always happy to see me (like a dog) and is content seeing me for a two hour visit or fuck once a week or every two weeks as long as i message her a couple of times a day. I love how my wife is completely duped and I can send messages to my fuck mate while my wife and I watch tv together in the evening! Also it’s so great how my wife makes arrangements for dinners and outings on the weekends and I can pretend what a great family man I am!) (Whore, shut up! I’m busy on the weekends and can’t see you! I’m really trying to leave my wife but it’s so hard! I’m working on it!)

    ‘We have nothing in common anymore.’
    (You like shopping and i don’t. I like violent/action movies and you don’t. Those are the two main reasons I am leaving you…when it’s convenient for me to do so. Also you tidy the house before we have visitors. It’s criminal!
    Our 4 children, our many family holidays and gatherings, our travels together, our home, our friends… our skiing, hiking, golf, books….all non existent. Conveniently vanished from memory, or at least dimly remembered but who cares!)

    ‘You would like the OW if you met her. She’s a good person.’
    (She’s just like you except she’s had 3 husbands already plus a live in abusive boyfriend when her three girls were young. I would be the fifth or sixth partner but again, who cares if she’s cheating on her current husband. She says he’s boring!! She loves me now and I am so special!. I know you would get along so well.)

    ‘We are two good people on different paths.’
    (The cheating, lying, abusive path, vs the loyal spouse for 32 years path. I really am good, really. I’m good at lying now. I’m very good at deception and leading a double life. No one knows except the whore! She’s cheating on her husband too! How great is that! I am incredible! More than that, I am actually fabulous!!)

    ‘I need to be happy and you will not be happy if i am unhappy the whole time.’
    (I will treat you as though i hate you and have utter contempt for you until you kick me out and i can totally blame you for the marriage breakdown. Because you are too stupid and will never find out that I am cheating on you and have been for years. My plan is to produce the whore just after we separate as though we had just met! No one will guess I have been cheating! I am actually brilliant,)

    ‘I hope you don’t spend too much on lawyers.’
    (I see you bent over in anguish, crying because of the shock and trauma of my sudden and vicious betrayal of you, but all I really care about is how much of my money you spend. I’ve listed our assets and don’t want to have to redo the balance sheet to reflect expensive lawyers. Besides that, I want you to just roll over and let me have my fuck toy and playmate! Don’t irritate me with long drawn out divorce proceedings!)
    ‘The children will all get over it in time.’
    It’s all about me, me, Me! The 4 adult children don’t matter as long as I am happy with the whore. I am pretty sure they will come to see how fabulous she is even though their Mom has broken down completely. The whore tells me the kids will be fine in a couple of weeks and I believe her.

    ‘I feel nothing for you.’
    I will just pack a few of these clothes you washed and folded, (btw, thanks for lunch) rush off to fuck the whore in a hotel for a couple of hours and I should be back in time for dinner. What are we having? People are coming over? I’ll pick up some wine on the way home!

    ‘We are two good people on different paths. (One more time)’
    On one hand I have a faithful wife, drudging away at her wifely duties, including always staying in touch with the kids, staying in touch with my family because I can’t be bothered to, and making social arrangements, looking after the household, believing in the integrity of and trusting me, her husband. On the other hand I am a cheating, lying fuckwit who does nothing around the house, who goes to work and visits the whore on the way there or on the way back. Who also visits the whore, for example, when my wife volunteers in the community, spends the day with friends, when she waits at home for me on our anniversary (extra thrilling to me), and that is just the tip of the iceberg. I am Mr. Fabulous for getting away with it for so long!

  • FW and I have been attempting to negotiate a property settlement so that my lawyer can draw up an agreement required by the court within 12 months of filing. He wants as part of the agreement, access and visitation rights to the dog! My lawyer advised me that in Australia pets are considered property and as such the court does not make a ruling on them. I am the registered owner with the local Council and as such am the only one who can allow him access. I will agree to him seeing the dog but he cannot understand my reluctance because I can’t bear the thought of seeing him.
    He sent me a text today saying he understands I “have suffered to a great extent from PTSD” as a result of his betrayal (no shit Sherlock!). However, “it appears to have developed into PTED (Post Traumatic Embitterment Disorder. You may care to look into it.”
    This from a dickhead who even when he did work did menial jobs, telling this to a Psychologist. I responded that sadly I didn’t think this deserved a response. I will now be definitely going grey rock.

    • You don’t have to see him.

      He doesn’t have to see the dog.

      He got himself another woman, apparently without any qualms of conscience. He can get himself another dog.

      Your lawyer is handing you a golden free pass to cut ties and keep the dog (who sounds like a better investment than the FW).

      • Thanks Lola. You’re right, he had no qualms of conscience after nearly 40 years together but I’m supposed to feel sorry for him the spoilt, entitled, selfish narc brat. My dog ???? is my best friend and buddy and I trust him. It didn’t work out with his whore so he’s grasping at straws.

  • FW: I know, this is f’d up. I feel like I am living two lives.

    UBT: I has a sadz because I am sick from eating too much cake.

  • When I asked to see his text messages with OW:
    “Those are the private conversations between friends. She is not the reason for our divorce, she is a friend and MARRIED. If we divorce there with be nothing between her and I”
    Well, she divorced her BS while my FW was dragging ours out and within 2 years they were married.
    I hope they have all the happiness they deserve.

  • At one point after my first D-Day ,my stbx said “I don’t know if I can live with your anger.” Translate I want kibbles! I looked him in the eye and said than leave. If you do not want to deal with my anger, stop doing shit that pisses me off. He did not leave. In fact he looked incredulous and asked me were he was supposed to go.

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