Be Your Own UBT

Are you a little less chumpy than you used to be? Can you sniff out bullshit a bit better after you found yourself mired in it?

The Universal Bullshit Translator is a vain creature (given its insatiable appetite for both cookies and praise), but it bursts its sockets with pride to think it has spawned a multitude of other UBTs. An army of bullshit decoders and soldiers of snark.

Today’s Friday Challenge is to decode something with your own UBT. A cheater cliche (if you met the affair partner, you’d like them! … I love you but I’m not in love with you… I didn’t intend for this to happen…), a self-serving excuse, a vapid Schmoopie utterance. It’s all fodder.

Call a spade a spade and tell CN what it really means!

TGIF!

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Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago

“I also shared hotel rooms with her on trips, but we didnt have sex”
UBT—>

I lied like a fucker, planned way ahead and had monkey sex with someone the Federal Govt trusted me to negotiate contracts with during on trips all over the country. The fact that I worked my travel schedule to accommodate my fucking while leaving you back home, painfully ignorant and caring for our kids and doing your job caring for dying children is something that did not phase me.

Now that you know most of it, I still wont admit to your face that I fucked her because that would cause me personal discomfort and I prefer to not do that. I convinced myself that you were “horrible” enough to betray but still good enough to handle all my life details for me.

Chump No More
Chump No More
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Truth!

DuddersGetsChumped
DuddersGetsChumped
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Apart from taking out the word ‘dying’ in front of child and kid instead of kids. I’m just going with Unicornnomore’s entry, could have written every word.

It’s not incredulous that you swallowed it really, I managed to have social events and be friends (and remain friends) with many work colleagues both male and female, and didn’t have affairs with them.

I definitely think nearer the end there was much more I should have questioned but then I was caring for my dying father and frankly, it wasn’t foremost on my mind. The lucky break they got there and of course, any concern I did raise was met with a very swift rebuttal.

NoMoreBS
NoMoreBS
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Your exfucker needs to have a close encounter with a steamroller. Slowly.

Shelly
Shelly
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Almost exactly the same!!!! Cheers!

Fern
Fern
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

What a big pile of hard earned wisdom!

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

I am now incredulous to realize what sorts of lies I swallowed. I now see that my responses were very fear-based. I was afraid to see the reality right in front of me because it would demand a response that I was too afraid to consider.

In the moment, I told myself that I was devoted (and that was likely true) but in all the murky soup I let him get away with no accountability. I was, however, already well groomed by parents who invented their preferred reality and refused accountability for their actions while holding me agonizingly accountable for every word or twitch of mine that didn’t suit them.

I now have a good and healthy life. I have moments of deep appreciation when I realize that my healthy functioning is a bit of a miracle. I asked God for a miracle and He gave me one, but not the one I asked for. He didnt change the selfish, disordered people in my life (God gives us Free Will with which we can be as big of assholes as we choose) but He changed me, my circumstances, and my ability to heal from it.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

“I am now incredulous to realize what sorts of lies I swallowed. I now see that my responses were very fear-based. I was afraid to see the reality right in front of me because it would demand a response that I was too afraid to consider.”

Exactly, I think I knew soon after his promotion, the change in him was almost immediate against me. I guess he didn’t need my for show anymore, so on with the discard process. I think in my confusion and desperation I just hunkered down in hopes I was wrong, maybe it will fix itself etc.

So I bought his excuse of, “work pressure”

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Klootzak didn’t make promotion and I think he blamed me for it. If his wife had been more supportive or shmoozed the right people, he would have made captain or even admiral! So his career failings were my fault and when his promotions stalled out and he was forced to retire, he didn’t need me around anymore, either.

Damned in either direction, aren’t we?

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

Yep.

I absolutely helped him get his promotion. We walked side by side to support and get that mayor elected. I still think that mayor was the best choice, but yeah between my political work and whatever volunteer work he wanted me to do I helped him a lot. But as I said once he made it, I guess it was time to bring schmoops out and replace me with her.

Within a few months after we were legally separated, he got busted, put back out on the street, and lost his cushy office next to the mayor. The mayor did use him for a few months until the fall elections were over, then slam pal, you are out. In the paper the mayor called it organizational changes. Lol.

I suppose that was my fault too. Had nothing to do with him lying to the mayor to the city counsel and anyone else that needed to be lied to. He also took an early retirement. I didn’t know that until recently, when my son told me. Surprised me. I know he loved his job.

He evidently hated the mayor for stabbing him in the back. Can you imagine someone doing that? I mean my ex was loyal to the mayor, how dare he stab him in the back. I assume the mayor had no more use for him, once he revealed who he was. He had been pedaling the happy married man and church going Christian.

I really do believe he had the mayor fooled. If he didn’t have him fooled he would have never promoted him, as it put him (the mayor) in a horrible position since the whore was FW’s direct report.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago

I also refer to him as “Major Cheaterpants”…he was passed over for O5 which was. of course, MY fault. It has nothing to do with fucking coworkers or refusing assignments, his failure was all me.

He told me of his intent to divorce me (“because you are a bad wife, there is no one else in this, its all on you” which was so damn cruel) just before his retirement and told me that since we were divorcing, I ought not come to the ceremony. He was setting me up to not show up so he could claim victim status that his wife “didnt even come to his retirement”. OW was in the second row with a fake date.

While at the event, he told his father (in my presence) that “I would move to _____ but Unicornomore is refusing to move there”.
He lied all the way around to everyone to try to not look like the asshole leaving his family. It was an endless mindfuck, that whole era of time. He was so damn mean.
He could have just said “Ive decided that I dont want to be in this anymore, you are a nice person but I choose to not be married to you. I will be fair in the divorce” but no, he was too much of a coward to own his shit.

NewChump
NewChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Unicornomore, quite simply you nailed it.

Peregrine
Peregrine
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Unicorn, this is me, too! That description of your parents matches my experience. Thank you for this deeper clarification. I, too received answers to my prayers, but not exactly how I imagined. This whole experience allowed me more faith and trust.
Haha! I laugh loud and often about being the most sane person in my family ????

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

“I am now incredulous to realize what sorts of lies I swallowed. I now see that my responses were very fear-based. I was afraid to see the reality right in front of me because it would demand a response that I was too afraid to consider.”

Boy, does that ever sound familiar!

Flower
Flower
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

“I was, however, already well groomed by parents who invented their preferred reality and refused accountability for their actions while holding me agonizingly accountable for every word or twitch of mine that didn’t suit them.”
This I know very well.

Light Heart
Light Heart
2 years ago
Reply to  Flower

I’m sorry, Flower! Every child should be loved and cherished.

threetimesachump
threetimesachump
2 years ago
Reply to  Flower

Wow, that really struck a chord.

Chumperella
Chumperella
2 years ago
Reply to  Flower

Thank you for that line Unicorn – that explains my life’s journey in a way I have never been quite able to articulate.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumperella

Im an extrovert, so I process externally…I could sit quietly in a room all day and not develop an understanding yet I can type a paragraph to a safe audience and truth flows from my keyboard…even truth I didnt realize was truth.

NenaB
NenaB
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Amazing self awareness. You know, the biggest bitch cookie we have to swallow through it all, is recognition of our own role in our “demise” – the enabling, the denial, the fear of leaving, the hope, the doubling down and trying harder, the self blame.

With hindsight it looks so nuts. But own it we must. You demonstrate how that doesn’t mean we take responsibility for their fuckwittery, quite the opposite in fact.

I was shocked at my exes ability to compartmentalise his double lives (plural) when I discovered them (or rather connected them all up together). But I’m pleased to say, that taught me to compartmentalise the shit show our marriage was. What he did (one thing, infidelity, on rinse and repeat cycle, for years) and what I did (ignored it and denied it, and why I might have done that). Those compartments made it all crystal clear. And I’m grateful for that clarity. It’s Tuesday here.

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
2 years ago
Reply to  NenaB

NenaB, thank you. I had heard the term “co-dependent”, but never actually knew what it meant. My therapist gently suggested that could be an issue with me, so I looked into it.

Bingo.

But I wasn’t always this way. I have been mighty in relationships prior to the grand -FW, all of whom cheated on me. I was gone and done.

Oh, I had a myriad of excuses for why I stayed so long with him: we had a daughter with a rare medical condition. We had entangled our finances so much it would be sooooo hard to untangle them. We had a 30 year investment. There were people who relied on us AS A COUPLE. Oh, and I loved him!!! And he (said) love me!!! Even while inflicting deep emotional/psychological/physical wounds on me (hello HPV).

I danced and danced and danced on a tightrope without a net, while he was creating layers and layers of “contingency plans” (other women). Finally, I saw the truth of what he was – thank you UBT!! – and was able to move, with difficulty, on.

I am working on my own issues. I have wonderful friends, a beautiful daughter. There are so many things for which I am grateful, this website included. Thank you to the CL and CN for being my Light in the darkness.

Fern
Fern
2 years ago
Reply to  NenaB

Well said NenaB. It’s tricky business to navigate the fine line between looking at our own role for critical self-reflection on our way toward growth and taking responsibility for their bad behavior. Actually, the line isn’t thin at all, it is just that FW’s can do such a number on a person that it is hard to see the line.

Peregrine
Peregrine
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Yes! ????????????????

It’s Over
It’s Over
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Wow. Such a great post Unicornomore. I feel so much of the same. Thanks you for wording it all so well.

Bruno
Bruno
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Your last paragraph is a gem and a great summation of Open Theology. I really like the book, “God Can’t” which explores Open Theology in the context of loss and trauma. It is very helpful for that phase of divorce that forces us to re-examine all our assumptions.

Left It ALL Behind
Left It ALL Behind
2 years ago
Reply to  Bruno

Thank you for this recommendation, Bruno. I ordered “God Can’t” and it currently has underlines on every page. Very helpful as I am stuck in the discovery phase with a cheater that is hiding as much as possible overseas! Super frustrating. That said, I appreciate your wisdom on this website. I know that you are at Meh, but it is so helpful for those of us at the beginning of the journey to have your insight. To anyone new, I also highly recommend Divorce Minister’s website and book “Cheated On” as well as “Cheaters in a Nutshell.” Of course, only after reading LACGAL on repeat until you take off your dancing shoes!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
2 years ago

Cheater: “I never meant to hurt you.”

MeBT; “I didn’t care whether you got hurt while I pursued exactly what I wanted.”

Cheater: “You just don’t fit my aesthetic that well and she does.”

MeBT: “You aren’t a novelty anymore and literally every person on the planet I haven’t yet met is new and therefore preferable to you.”

Cheater: “Why do you always have to dredge up the past?”

MeBT: “Why can’t I get you to stop focusing on what I don’t want to be accountable for so I can get back to successfully deceiving you?”

Cheater: “It didn’t have anything to do with you.”

MeBT: “It wouldn’t have been nearly as fun and arousing if it hadn’t included deceiving you.”

Cheater: “I feel so guilty.”

MeBT: “Feel bad for me so I don’t have to address how bad you feel.”

Cheater: “I’ve learned how much you mean to me and I never want to hurt you like that again.”

MeBT: “I’ve learned so much about how I got caught so now I will be better at deceiving you again.”

Cheater: “I don’t want to lose you.”

MeBT: “I don’t want to lose my appearance of normalcy or the function you provide in my life so my dysfunction is easier to pursue.”

Peregrine
Peregrine
2 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I love this, all of this – not the nightmare of it, but your ability to see it for what it is now and find humor in it. Did you mean to be funny? It’s funny to me now that I am out of it and I can see just how stupid FW is.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
2 years ago
Reply to  Peregrine

Both funny and sadly honest, yes. You picked up on both. ????

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
2 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Perfect translation! My FW said the exact same things. Do they realize how stereotypically uncreative they are?

The only difference is my FW realized that the OW didn’t fit his aesthetic, well, only in the fact that she knew she was a side-piece and was happy to hide in the wings because she luvvvvved him. As soon as I found out and dumped him, he dumped her. He didn’t want to get stuck with her. hahahahaha!!

Now I’m living my best life, he is mr. mopey sad alone because I blocked him everywhere (he turns up like a bad penny every once in a while and I give him the old FU), and I have no idea about her and her broken heart. hahahahaha!

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

All of this is very accurate. It’s sad, but true.

NotAnymore
NotAnymore
2 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Thank you. All of this gold is getting copied into my notes so I can read and re-read.

xmaschump
xmaschump
2 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Every person is new and therefore more preferable than you-ahhhhahhhhhhaaaaaaaaaa
That’s hilarious. And accurate

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
2 years ago
Reply to  xmaschump

A real game changer! Once I realized no matter what I did I could never again be new, everything else fell into place. Novelty seeking of any kind is one of my reddest red flags, and not just for romance. Reliability and emotional maturity absolutely matter.

Chris W
Chris W
2 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Yes, very good point, Amiisfree, about Novelty. Dracula couldn’t stick to ANYTHING – jobs, hobbies, homes, etc. Once the “novelty” wore off, he went looking for “new”, in all aspects. It was a huge, huge red flag that I ignored.

Badmovie19
Badmovie19
2 years ago
Reply to  Chris W

Yes, my ex’s hobbies like golf, wine making, etc. all got replaced after a short time. I remember telling him he was always about instant gratification. No idea why I didn’t see then that he would do the same with me.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
2 years ago
Reply to  Badmovie19

YES. THIS. Ugh…

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
2 years ago
Reply to  Badmovie19

Yup, my ex went through 5 or 6 RVs
Year after year, the size was never right for whatever activity he was dreaming up once a year…
I never figured that that would be me either
But, its that general dissatisfaction…….
A flapping red flag for me now.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Letitsnow

Lord the RV crap. While we were together it was boats, and then finally a river property. Then discard. I am so thankful for that discard as painful as it was. He would have drained my retirement account, and run me into bankruptcy. That is exactly what he did, with her help to them after they married.

Living a life like that would have been hell on earth for me.

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
2 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

This remind me of a mantra I had during my divorce. There was nothing I did or did not do that allowed him to betray, deceive and abuse me. Period.

I don’t care if he was drunk, women threw themselves at him, or even if I hit him over the head with a frying pan. Have some balls and either fix it or get out. Period.

It’s the years stolen from me that I can’t get over. They are simply gone. I just turned 60 and am figuring out what I want for the rest of my life. Kinda like my college daughter, but she’s at the start of her adult life and I’m at the last part of my adult life.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Giddy Eagle

“It’s the years stolen from me that I can’t get over.”

Yep that is very painful. I was lucky in that I only lost 21 years, and got out and have been blessed with a good life; but I still resent those stolen years. He took my shining youth and used it for himself then threw me away at age 40.

MightyWarrior
MightyWarrior
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

26 years and left me at nearly 60. That part of it has been the hardest.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  MightyWarrior

I understand. It was the first thing that hit me, he told me about the whore, and then told me he had been “dating for 10 years, and that he never loved me” He said a lot of other stuff, but basically I just stood there stunned.

Took me a while to come out of the shock, and be able to deal effectively.

Asshole used me for his own purposes for most if not all of our 21 years married.

Being totally honest here, my life turned out way better than his, (by all standards) but the pain of that never went away.

I have been happy, have a wonderful husband, sweet grandchildren. But, just because some scars remain doesn’t mean you won’t be happy.

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
2 years ago

The MichelleShocked UBT will need cookies and to imbibe after this but here’s a “favorite”:

FW says “I stopped loving you 3 years ago.”

Ohhhhh… you mean when chump’s father died after a horrific 7 month battle with pancreatic cancer and chump was grieving? You mean when you didn’t get all the attention for a little while in the midst of chump’s sadness over her father? That bitch. How dare she stop being a perfect appliance for even a short time. FW didn’t even go to the hospital (chump’s father was there for months and it was only a few miles down the road) until the end. UBT wonders how chump stayed in love with a cold-hearted unempathic ass.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
2 years ago

“It wasn’t me.”… “Ok, it was me, but I left the hotel room before the escort arrived.”… “Why didn’t I come home until 2am… I was just driving around THINKING.” – Mr. Sparkles

“It wasn’t me” = I have a clone… a doppelganger… a lot of people look like me (6’4, prematurely grey and a strut when I walk)…

“Ok, it was me, but I left the hotel room before the escort arrived.” = I have amazing self control. I like to spend money on hotel rooms and hookers because I can… but not because I actually want to stay and fuck strangers. I’m too special to sink to that level.

“Why didn’t I come home until 2am… I was just driving around THINKING.” = Do you think gaslighting you is easy for me… that it just comes naturally to me (well, actually it kinda does)… NO… I have to meticulously plan out my lies and layers of deceit… I need CAKE in all and any forms. BUT HEY… at least I did come home to you.

Happy Hour at Club Meh tonight… hope to see you there! Rock on Chump Nation!

ChumpyNoLove
ChumpyNoLove
2 years ago

Oh the driving around all night thinking. My ex wife during her first major affair was sneaking out in the middle of the night and trying to sneak in at 5am. One time I blew up at her and demanded to know who she was cheating with and I got the “I was sat in Walmart car park all night”. Yes, In Wisconsin in middle of January in negative two billion in a car that had a heater blower issue at the time. But me being the good old British immigrant with no family, friends nor support network and no idea of the area was that perfect chump for blatantly cheating on. She was sneaking off to a trailer park btw.

ChumpTight
ChumpTight
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyNoLove

WTF? My ex wife used the Walmart excuse all the time and said she slept in the parking lot in Wisconsin as well when she wasn’t coming home. What she didn’t know was that she had her “Share My Location” on, so of course she was never at Walmart.

ChumpyNoLove
ChumpyNoLove
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpTight

Maybe we have stumbled onto a Wisconsin adulterous legend. Not just famous for cheese but also great car parks. This was 2009 so we only had crappy flip phones so sadly was not able to track her but in reality she was going to a crappy trailer park on outskirts of our rural town. Plus the other non believable aspect was our local Walmart closed at 11pm and the local police patrolled and never missed a thing as we lived in a small town.

TKO
TKO
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyNoLove

ChumpT and NoLove, “hey” from a fellow Wisconsinite, guy, chump. No overnighting at Walmart story here, but plenty of other cheesy skankery.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyNoLove

What is is with these cheaters and trailer parks. I mean I know good folks live in them, but dang.

My fw’s whore lived in our local trailer park (though it was a well kept one). The last Christmas before the Dday Christmas, we and some friends went Christmas caroling and he took us to her trailer. Asshole took us Christmas caroling to her trailer. I remember my fiend making a snarky comment. I have always wondered if she was suspicious.

The following year during the Christmas season he was treating me like shit. He came in one night and said let’s go Christmas caroling. I said no, and walked away. Asshole. We did go visit my family and our son in AZ in the military during Christmas. I wish I had refused, but I felt so crappy, I though maybe it might help me.

I think he was just insanely trying to mark off all the traditions one more time before drop kicking me.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpTight

Those are some busy parking lots in Wisconsin! hahaha

Klootzak goes to Home Depot for 3 hours at a time. Coincidentally, the Home Depot is near a bunch of hotels. He comes home with bags of stuff but I bet you shmoopie already gathered everything in the cart, he paid and stashed it in the trunk, then hit the hotel.

MrsChumpNoLonger
MrsChumpNoLonger
2 years ago

Mine would go to the tanning bed. For two hours.

Snapoutofit
Snapoutofit
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyNoLove

My ex (the serial cheater), couldn’t sleep and would go to Wal-Mart at 2am. Chumpy me felt sorry for him because he was doctor and had shift work that would screw up his sleeping schedule. He never did bring anything home from Wal-Mart on those late night excursions.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Snapoutofit

These guys are all alike, I know, I know; but it bears repeating.

My fw would stay up until about 12, then come in and say I am going to go ride around with one of the guys, I can’t sleep. He did this a couple times a week for the last six months. He made up an excuse for it and yes I bought it, well until the last couple months when I knew something was up.

Can’t get anything past me. ????‍♀️

The Colonel’s Ex-Chump
The Colonel’s Ex-Chump
2 years ago

“ IT WAS DIVINE INTERVENTION! “

Translation: Since I am a devious and deceptive dung beetle, I will baffle the Chump by hauling out the big guns of religion. Who can disagree with being blindsided and abandoned when an all-encompassing lust affair sanctioned by the universe is involved?

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago

He is a dung beetle. Gah.

So while you are home ACTUALLY living the values of your faith with regards to marital covenant, he is off porking some gal deciding that his fun was orchestrated by the same God who you asked to bless your union.

My Cheater also threw in a few of these sorts of bits that OW was “Christlike” and he felt the situation was from God. It is all so ghastly evasive and manipulative.

With years between then and now, though …I have developed some compassion that his life ended and he went to The Big Debrief with God to learn how badly he hurt the one person who loved him and was so deeply committed to him. I can’t imagine failing that badly…it likely hurts more than I did.

MehAndOnward
MehAndOnward
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

“The Big Debrief with God.” I love this and will use it often in diverse situations. A perfect description of what happens on the other side. More of an accounting for what we have done than a technicolor movie.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

I need space = I have a space in mind and the whore is waiting for me

Iwantmyfairytale
Iwantmyfairytale
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Arrgh- “space” is such a trigger for me now. HATE that word when I hear it. The FW used the line “I just need time and space” to tell me he’d be back after some indeterminate time of him gathering his wits or figuring out his life, or something.

This lead me to believe he just needed some time, just needed space, and he’d be back. Gawwwwd. I finally figured it out that it was time and space to do schmoopie. And I told him I can’t stay married to someone who has a girlfriend.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

Yep.

Right after he got his coveted promotion, she starting ignoring me, and beiing kind of snotty. I asked him why he was doing that, he said “work stress” It will work out, I just need some space.

So I backed off and gave him space. He used it to continue unabated to spend more time and money on the whore.

Newlady15
Newlady15
2 years ago

I’ve been miserable for 20 years= I’ve been screwing other women for 20 years while you’ve been pretzeling to provide cars, boats, trips, a cottage and Florida second home—-jokes on you!

I’ll get the mortgage from the Russians ( or the Jews—sorry Jewish chumps, his words not mine)= I’m just that special that the mafioso‘s will fall over themselves to throw hundreds of thousands at me

PrincipledLife
PrincipledLife
2 years ago

“I’m a sex addict. I have an addiction.”

Translation: I’m not a shallow, heartless narcissist, I am an ill person. My CSAT told me so. Who better to advise a dick-centered loser than another dick-centered loser?

How could you blame an ill person for the things their illness makes them do? Because you do, it shows what a selfish cold bitch you are, way lower than me in terms of flaws and meaness. Once again I prove superior to you.

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
2 years ago
Reply to  PrincipledLife

this, all this. blaming it on a force outside of their control. Because “Affair Recovery” (he actually paid for group counseling from them) thinks that I should take him back.

“I’m getting help now.”

Translation: I’m not having any sex at all because I dumped the side piece because she had no sparkle when I wasn’t deceiving you with her. I’m jealous that you’re now free and dating and I’m stuck in my falling down rental since you kicked me out.

UXworld
UXworld
2 years ago

An oldie but a goodie, from 2019 — my first song parody submitted here was a serenade to the UBT, in response to a Friday challenge

——————

(music by Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs, lyrics by Chump Nation)

Uno! dos! One, two, tres, quatro . . .!

Chumpy told CN about a thing she spied,
Tracy said “Translate” — UBT replied:

(Refrain)
“Wooly bullshit! Wooly bullshit!”
“Wooly bullshit! Wooly bullshit! Wooly bullshit!”

Chumpy told CN, “Something’s just not right . . .”
UBT responded, rousing sheer delight:

(refrain)

Chumpy told CN, “Something’s wrong with me . . .”
Sanity delivered by the UBT:

(refrain)

Kim
Kim
2 years ago

Liar: I’m not good at relationships.

UBT: I have a pathetic ego that needs to be fed by poor boundaries and ex gf’s.

Liar: you’re being hateful

UBT: You calling my whore a whore erodes my carefully crafted image. Nobody believes it but I’m going to hold on to the idea that everyone thinks I’m a great guy.

Liar: I look younger then I am

UBT: I’m trying to convince myself that my shitty toupee doesn’t look ridiculous.

Liar: I’m not good at integrating you into my previous life.

UBT: I need you to be separated from my friends because you’ll find out about my ex gf.

Liar: I can’t believe you walked away from our life together.

UBT: I can’t believe you’re not still paying most of the bills. How will I afford my whore and my little blue pills?

Liar: how are you doing? Have a nice day!

UBT: you can fuck off but I’m too much of a coward to say that so I’ll say something nasty under my breath, then smile and ask how you’re doing. Then when you don’t respond positively I’ll play dumb and ask why you’re being so mean after I asked how you were.

Liar: you’re getting harder and harder to make happy.

UBT: I looked for a younger woman (me) because I thought she’d help my ego and would tolerate poor boundaries and shitty behavior. I can’t believe I’m now being called out on my poor boundaries and shitty behavior.

Liar: I want a divorce.

UBT: I don’t want a divorce….I just wamt you to shut the hell up and stop making me uncomfortable by bringing up my poor boundaries and the fact that o kept my ex gf around our entire relationship. It was just catching up! OMG, what it someone saw my FB messages? In too stupid tp realize they were all private messages so when I briefly thought they were public I realized that all of my friends would see what a douchbag I really am and almost had a heart attack!

But I was just catching up! I can’t believe you just filed! Poor, poor me!

Ha ha ha….this is great. I could do this all day.

Joe
Joe
2 years ago

A text message I received from my ex-wife right after moving out of the marital home.

I understand I’m not your problem anymore. I would ask that you teach our children to check on me from time to time. If something were to happen to me on my way home from work no one would know. Just please teach them the right thing to do like I would for you.

“I understand I’m not your problem anymore.”
I’m going to make you my problem if you don’t feed my kibble. Triangles are a lot more fun when there are three people involved. Even though I understand this, please read on and I will let you know how I am your problem.

“I would ask that you teach our children to check on me from time to time.”
Since you don’t feed me kibble anymore can you teach the children how to do it? It was a lot more fun when I had you and my AP feeding me kibble but now that you are out of the picture the supply is getting low.

“If something were to happen to me on my way home from work no one would know.”
Please feel sorry for me for my bad choices. See, even though I used to talk to my AP every night on my way home from work and there are hundreds of cars that travel the same route and I have a cell phone, I could just vaporize into thin air and ‘poof’ no one would know what happened. How would I get kibble if no one knew? How would I triangulate if no one knew? How could you be so selfish?

“Just please teach them the right thing to do like I would for you.”
You are a bad parent for not teaching the children how to feed my kibble. See, I teach the children all the right things. For example, Do not lie. Do not steal. Do not cheat. Respect people. Treat others with kindness. I don’t follow those rules but I teach them to the children and you should as well if you want to be a good parent like me.

FYI
FYI
2 years ago
Reply to  Joe

Wow, this is well-put.

ChumpyNoLove
ChumpyNoLove
2 years ago

Ohh I can’t even hint of all her lame excuses and lies right now as there was simply so many. I watched her actions and ignored her words and that proved all I needed to know for my divorce and leaving her though here is some classics from her:

Ex wife in message to one of her AP’s: “you taste amazing”

Ex wife when I read this message verbatim to her upon DDay when I asked about the tasting amazing: “he put his finger in my mouth” ????
Yes so she snuck out leaving me with the kids and met him in his car and they simply kissed and he put his finger in her mouth. Wow did you also see the pink elephant fly over my house?

Ex wife on DDay “there was only one other man”
Me : looking at screenshots I took the night before of her phone in which I counted nearly 20 other men. Many of whom hiding under female names. Sexting nearly 20 guys every single day.

Me to ex wife: so how many others did you fuck behind my back?
Ex wife: only the one.
Me: looking at screenshots of her asking 4 other guys when they would be in the area that week to hook up during her lunch break and one of the last messages from on of those guys saying “now you can go home and finish yourself off”.

Well tough shit for her as the divorced was finalised nearly three months ago and I’m rebuilding a far better life away from Hovid-19.

Jen
Jen
2 years ago

I have posted this before but just thought it was worth another look. It’s kind of fun to play with ‘snark’!

I love you but I’m not in love with you.
(Ever since i gave myself permission to lust after and then fuck my old girlfriend from 45 years ago. Such a coincidence!) What? You think I should have put some love and effort into the marriage? What do you mean? I don’t understand.

We grew apart.
Sure we did. We grew apart after 32 years of marriage because I detached from you to justify pursuing the fuck woman. I treated you with such distain and contempt that you feebly tried to defend yourself, and then I could tell the whore that you were crazy, that we had ‘drifted apart.’

I’ve been unhappy for 10 years. I’ve wanted to leave you for years.
(Since that old gf slut started emailing me and slathering me with praise, and we decided to meet for coffee and then lunch, I’ve come to see how bad my life with you is! Such a crappy existence, having fun with friends and family, travelling, golfing, skiing, hiking. I never realized how rotten it all was until the whore got my dick to rise up! (But only for a short time)  She smiles at me all the time and agrees with me all the time. We have so much in common from the 1970’s! We are so perfect together! We should never have broken up 45 years ago, even though we fought all the time and had totally different goals!

She is my soul mate. 
(She is always happy to see me (like a dog) and is content seeing me for a two hour visit or fuck once a week or every two weeks as long as i message her a couple of times a day. I love how my wife is completely duped and I can send messages to my fuck mate while my wife and I watch tv together in the evening! Also it’s so great how my wife makes arrangements for dinners and outings on the weekends and I can pretend what a great family man I am!) (Whore, shut up! I’m busy on the weekends and can’t see you! I’m really trying to leave my wife but it’s so hard! I’m working on it!)

We have nothing in common anymore. 
(You like shopping and i don’t. I like violent/action movies and you don’t. Those are the two main reasons I am leaving you…when it’s convenient for me to do so. Also you tidy the house before we have visitors. It’s criminal! 
Our 4 children, our many family holidays and gatherings, our travels together, our home, our friends… our skiing, hiking, golf, books….all non existent. Conveniently vanished from memory, or at least dimly remembered but who cares!)

You would like the OW if you met her. She’s a good person.
(She’s just like you except she’s had 3 husbands already plus a live in abusive boyfriend when her three girls were young. I would be the fifth or sixth partner but again, who cares if she’s cheating on her current husband. She says he’s boring!! She loves me now and I am so special!. I know you would get along so well.)

We are two good people on different paths.
(The cheating, lying, abusive path, vs the loyal spouse for 32 years path. I really am good, really. I’m good at lying now. I’m very good at deception and leading a double life. No one knows except the whore! She’s cheating on her husband too! How great is that! I am incredible! More than that, I am actually fabulous!!)

I need to be happy and you will not be happy if i am unhappy the whole time.
(I will treat you as though i hate you and have utter contempt for you until you kick me out and i can totally blame you for the marriage breakdown. Because you are too stupid and will never find out that I am cheating on you and have been for years. My plan is to produce the whore just after we separate as though we had just met! No one will guess I have been cheating! I am actually brilliant,)

I hope you don’t spend too much on lawyers.
(I see you bent over in anguish, crying because of the shock and trauma of my sudden and vicious betrayal of you, but all I really care about is how much of my money you spend. I’ve listed our assets and don’t want to have to redo the balance sheet to reflect expensive lawyers. Besides that, I want you to just roll over and let me have my fuck toy and playmate! Don’t irritate me with long drawn out divorce proceedings!)

The children will all get over it in time.
(It’s all about me, me, Me! The  4 adult children don’t matter as long as I am happy with the whore. I am pretty sure they will come to see how fabulous she is even though their Mom has broken down completely. The whore tells me the kids will be fine in a couple of weeks and I believe her.)

I feel nothing for you.
(I will just pack a few of these clothes you washed and folded, (btw, thanks for lunch)  rush off to fuck the whore in a hotel for a couple of hours and I should be back in time for dinner. What are we having? People are coming over? I’ll pick up some wine on the way home!)

We are two good people on different paths.
On one hand I have a faithful wife, drudging away at her wifely duties, including always staying in touch with the kids, staying in touch with my family because I can’t be bothered to, and making social arrangements, looking after the household, believing in the integrity of and trusting me, her husband. On the other hand I am a cheating, lying fuckwit who does nothing around the house, who goes to work and visits the whore on the way there or on the way back. Who also visits the whore, for example, when my wife volunteers in the community, spends the day with friends, when she waits at home for me on our anniversary (extra thrilling to me), and that is just the tip of the iceberg. I am Mr. Fabulous for getting away with it for so long!

Christine
Christine
2 years ago
Reply to  Jen

Nailed it for me, too. Exactly.

MightyWarrior
MightyWarrior
2 years ago
Reply to  Jen

Same for me Jen. Ex girlfriend from nearly 30 years ago (with me for 26 years, married for 18 years). They are ‘soulmates’. Did you ever get the ‘Sliding Doors’ reference? How I hate that film!

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago
Reply to  Jen

Jen, I think we were married to the same man….

This is so brilliant and made me laugh. I saved it.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
2 years ago
Reply to  Jen

This: “ The children will all get over it in time.
(It’s all about me, me, Me! The 4 adult children don’t matter as long as I am happy with the whore. I am pretty sure they will come to see how fabulous she is even though their Mom has broken down completely. The whore tells me the kids will be fine in a couple of weeks and I believe her.)”

6.5 years later…. our 4 kids LOATHE AP and refuse to be around her so XH rarely sees our kids. I see them and hear from them every day. They will never agree with XH’s and AP’s selfish actions, which continue to this day…,never!

XH is in a rage because kids won’t do what he says and they are grown now and don’t have to and because they accept my fiancé, who came into my life AFTER XH brutally devalued and discarded after years of cheating. False equivalencies don’t fly with them.

Too bad so sad, sausage.

Claire
Claire
2 years ago
Reply to  Jen

*The children will all get over it in time.
(It’s all about me, me, Me! The 4 adult children don’t matter as long as I am happy with the whore. I am pretty sure they will come to see how fabulous she is even though their Mom has broken down completely. The whore tells me the kids will be fine in a couple of weeks and I believe her.)*

This is where ex FW is at currently. He has tried to manipulate situations so my adult children accept what he has done! He’s alienated one DD who has told him that the only chance she’ll meet the Ho-worker is at his funeral. He was on her case within 5 days of leaving me. He was do desperate for them to accept his really bad behaviour. He would send pictures to them of food the new appliance had cooked for him. They mugged him off about that, laughing at how ridiculous he was being. One of the dishes was a baked pineapple…. That is now a standing joke within my family. They often say ‘mum if you’ve not baked a pineapple for us we’re off’ which then has us all laughing at just how crazy and fucked up this situation is.

The other 2 children are just ticking a box seeing him. They have no intention of meeting the immoral skank. We are all trying to get our head around this!! We were, well are, a very close family. I always refer to my children as my ‘home grown besties’. I’m grateful they are adults. Really feel for the mummy’s and daddy’s who have young ones. Navigating that seems like a total shit show. Hugs to them all.

Not at Meh yet but I’m sure I can see my Tuesday on the horizon way way in the distance.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Jen

Pretty much nailed it for me too.

I do think he was treating me so horrible to get me to kick him out. Unfortunately for him I put up with his shit until he had to walk out. Boy I showed him. ????

The last year of my marriage was a living hell. And I was too ashamed to tell anyone.

Patti
Patti
2 years ago
Reply to  Jen

Jen, you have so accurately described my 32 year marriage to an only child of a dysfunctional family. Me, Me and more Me. Aren’t I special?
Open the front door and let the man-baby run.
Lock door.

MightyKJ
MightyKJ
2 years ago

Cheater: I never meant for any of this to happen.

UBT: I lied, misled and betrayed you for years and didn’t plan on getting caught.

Cheater: I am not sleeping at all. I lost my best friend too!

UBT: I killed my “best friend” whilst getting my kink on with married women. And now… consequences

Auntie Mame
Auntie Mame
2 years ago

When dating…

“I’m really super busy at work, so if I don’t call or text it’s because of that.”

UBT

“I’m totally married/partnered-up af and I can’t answer your call because I’m with them.”

————————–

“My ex and I are really close because of the kids.”

“We’re technically separated, but I hadn’t filed for divorce because of the kids/money/time.”

UBT

“My ex is still playing the pick-me-dance. Will you play too?”

————————–

“My ex was crazy.”

UBT

“I did so so so many thing to make them crazy and then tried to gaslight them into believing their concerns were made-up in their head.”

—————————–

“You’re amazing. You’re not like my ex at all.”

UBT

“I use this line as a way to build you up, so I can then manipulate you by implying you’re acting like my ex when you start to see through my bullshit.”

————————-

“My ex didn’t care about me or my feelings.”

UBT

“My ex existed outside of her relationship with me and I didn’t like it.”

CakeEater'sDaughter
CakeEater'sDaughter
2 years ago
Reply to  Auntie Mame

“Your mother thinks I’m having an affair with her.”

—————————————————————————————————————————–

“I’m absolutely having an affair with her. And now that you (our daughter) are in your teens, you just might catch on to that, or your mother might share, so I’ll just immunize myself right now with a spot of proactive denial.”

Dawn
Dawn
2 years ago

yeah, they are GREAT for that proactive denial, aren’t they! So helpful when I learned to spot that red flag.

CakeEater'sDaughter
CakeEater'sDaughter
2 years ago

I posted the above in the wrong place, not meant as a reply, sorry.

Hurt1
Hurt1
2 years ago

“You are living in the past.”

Translate: cheater goes off to marry a 20something when he is a 50something

Chumpy me – a history major – loves the past but I don’t live in it nor do I try to reanact it.

The Ex-Mrs. Sparkly Pants
The Ex-Mrs. Sparkly Pants
2 years ago

“I miss you so much since you’ve been gone.”

Translation: “I miss your credit cards — you took them ALL when you left, even the ones on which I was an authorized user. My credit cards are all maxed out and I was counting on using yours! It’s your fault all the bartenders within walking distance refuse to serve me because I’ve had to run out on my bar tabs a few times.”

“I miss you so much I’ve done nothing but lie in bed since you’ve been gone.”

Translation: “I’ve been lying in bed with that woman over on C dock whose husband is deployed, with both of the women on that catamaran that was passing through, with anyone I could get to pay my bar tab and with my sister, too. I’d be happy to lie in bed with your sister again — what a fabulous way to get kibbles while sticking it to you at the same time — but she’s busy with her new boyfriend. Is your cousin free? How about your friend Karen — the one with the long blonde hair and big blue eyes?”

Longtime Chump
Longtime Chump
2 years ago

“You’re wrong”- You are so right, but I’m going to keep saying this hopefully I’ll brainwash you into questioning your reality so I can continue living my double life.
“I’m just {insert animal here} hunting”- I am most definitely not “just” hunting. I may hunt a little but I’m really escaping my responsibilities and going to see OW. Do not expect to call or find me, I’m off the grid. I’m far more important than you and can do what the hell I want, when I want. Don’t question me.
“We have to work together for my job!” I like having howorker with me as much as possible, it thrills and excites me that you are so trusting and I enjoy bj’s. I’m entitled to whatever I want.
“You are mean” I hate it when you are right and try to think I am accountable to you. Haven’t you learned I do not follow the rules of you mere mortals, I am special?!

Dawn
Dawn
2 years ago

STBX: I am totally NOT having an affair, we are just friends, when I was at her house for over an hour I was just picking tomatoes. See, here are 5 tomatoes.
UBT: I was at her house picking… something.
STBX: I HAD to lie about my “special friend” and the things we talked about because your mom would get so MAD and I just didn’t want to fight about it!
UBT: I am entitled to lie to cover up the betrayal of my wedding vows, AGAIN, because my comfort is more important than anything, including your mom’s feelings of safety and my own integrity.
STBX: I am going out to walk the dog… will you be up when I get back?
UBT: I am going out to walk the dog… will you be up when I get back to smell the “monster J” that I told my “special friend” I was going out to smoke… as I do every night… I need you to be safely in bed and not ask me any inconvenient questions about the pot smell that might linger…
STBX in 2018: I’d like to try pot to see if I like it…
UBT: I already started smoking in 2015 and I’d like retroactive permission even though we have a child in the house and I know you don’t like drugs. Also it’s totally fine to mix pot and alcohol even though I have a history of mood disorders.
I could go on… but there is no need.

ChumpyNoLove
ChumpyNoLove
2 years ago
Reply to  Dawn

It’s amazing the lies they expect us to believe. I’m a man and no grown ass man goes to another females house to pick damn vegetables. If I was in that situation I’d have taken my wife or at least the kids with me. Or in all honesty I’d have sent my ex wife to get them. my ex wife, She had a friend who did grow vegetables and rhubarb and she always took the kids to get some. These excuses and lies are so damn stupid.

Dawn
Dawn
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyNoLove

right??? thank you!!!

Dawn
Dawn
2 years ago
Reply to  Dawn

sorry, I wasn’t clear; the references about “your mom” are about me, when my STBX was talking to our kid.

CakeEater'sDaughter
CakeEater'sDaughter
2 years ago
Reply to  Dawn

Inevitably a cheater has to gaslight the kids too (if any). So ugly.

Dawn
Dawn
2 years ago

right??? I remember my dad doing the same thing to me…

Dawn
Dawn
2 years ago
Reply to  Dawn

Oh wait I forgot one!
STBX: that’s fair.
UBT: that’s NOT fair, and I’m going to say that your perspective is fair and then spend several more paragraphs telling you how you are not being at all fair to me and must rectify your behavior immediately!

Attie
Attie
2 years ago

Looking at me covered in bruises – “that’s just not who I am”. He actually told me I must have been drunk and fallen down the stairs – and then picked myself up and fallen back down the stairs backwards in order to get the bruises front and back.

“It’s a shame to throw away 26 years of marriage” – damn, I thought you would just keep taking the beatings and letting me have access to your salary and fuck the skank on the side. This wasn’t what I’d banked on AT ALL!

Attie
Attie
2 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Oh I’m well and truly over it now but I can’t believe how long I held on to the thought “oh he wouldn’t” … when in fact he quite probably could have killed me. Not intentionally but in one of his drunken rages it could have happened – it was certainly heading that way. But the end result would have been the same for me wouldn’t it! I’m totally at meh now 10 years later but I am a fierce advocate against domestic violence and speak out freely!

It’s Over
It’s Over
2 years ago
Reply to  Attie

I’m so sorry Attie. That is so awful.

Ain't It A Shame
Ain't It A Shame
2 years ago
Reply to  Attie

I’m sorry that happened to you, and I’m glad that you got way from him.

My FW “didn’t mean” to throw me into a wall.

Attie
Attie
2 years ago

They never “mean to” do they? I’m glad you’re safe now!

SeenTooMuch
SeenTooMuch
2 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Oh wow, Attie! I’m so glad you got away with your life. And I hope he never finds you.

Attie
Attie
2 years ago
Reply to  SeenTooMuch

Oh he knows where I am – I kept the house – but he’s in the States and I’m in France and I wouldn’t HESITATE to call the police if he tried anything. He won’t! I got a domestic violence conviction against him and how he avoided jail (which terrified him) I don’t know, but it’s water under the bridge now. He’s somebody else’s problem thousands of miles away thank God!

Dawn
Dawn
2 years ago
Reply to  Attie

damn Attie, that sucks. I’m so sorry.

HomewreckedByHeather
HomewreckedByHeather
2 years ago

STBX: “I never intended for this to happen.”

UBT: My wife warned me. Married OW’s boyfriend (my best friend) warned me. This was my NINTH affair (that my wife knows about anyway). I’ve been to counseling and read books on marriage/infidelity. I was exchanging seven THOUSAND texts a month with a woman who wasn’t my wife. For pete’s sake, how was I supposed to recognize that boundaries were being crossed?! Do you expect me to be a psychic?! You’re so unreasonable, it’s no wonder I had to cheat!

Straight spouse chump
Straight spouse chump
2 years ago

“We should stay legally married until you qualify for Medicare so you can stay on my health insurance (I’m 4 years older)”
UBT: I want to remain in control of our savings so I can keep paying my boy toys without I your interference and leave you penniless. (Turns out he prefers boys after 30 years of marriage)

SeenTooMuch
SeenTooMuch
2 years ago

Straight spouse chump, I’m a str8 spouse too, although he’s still hiding in the closet.

When I filed for divorce he suggested that we should just legally separate so I could stay on his Tricare. It would have been nice to have it because it’s great coverage, but I was close to 65 and getting Medicare.

It turns out that, although we were married for 44 years, all of it while he was in the Army, I didn’t qualify for Tricare as a divorced spouse. Because the 20-20-20 rule states you have to be married for 20 years, those 20 years while he was in the military, and the veteran has to have served 20 years.

Well, he did 10 years active duty and 9 years, 4 months, and 10 days in the Reserves. So I was screwed. But he got full benefits, including a monthly prescription for 10 Viagra pills that he only pays $13 for. The same Viagra that he kept in his work office. I was so past red flags by then that I needed to be hit on the head with a baseball bat to finally wake up.

Grizzly
Grizzly
2 years ago

Him “My Mother is like a chameleon, she can change to suit whoever she’s with”

UBT “I am like a chameleon, I change depending on which of my many women I am currently lying to”

Him “I’ve worked myself almost to death trying to fit into your idea of a perfect partner”

UBT “How dare you have expectations of me? I should never have to do anything in this relationship unless I feel like it”

Him “She (one of his students) is trying to get back at me because I didn’t give her a good grade”

UBT “I’ve been screwing one of my students and now she’s figured out I’m a lying POS I’m worried about what she might do”

Luckycline
Luckycline
2 years ago

“You’re immature”

UBT: I’ve gained enlightenment via random dudes cocks. You having a problem with strangers raw dogging your wife is due to your level of immaturity.

“I carry a taser because I’m afraid of you”

UBT:

You never once threatened or hit me during our marriage or after, but I need something to tell people so I can play the victim and get congratulated on escaping an “abusive marriage”.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
2 years ago
Reply to  Luckycline

My XW told people I was financially abusive (because I took care of all the bills-paying paperwork, which she had zero interest in, so she could pursue her career) and that she was “frightened for her safety” (presumably because XW knew that when a cheating wife is leaving her husband there is maximum risk of violence; mind you, this risk had no relation to our actual situation, since (1) I was completely in the dark about her adultery, and (2) I’ve never had a physical altercation with her – or anyone else – in my entire life). But it played well in her new neighborhood when she had to explain why she had left her family just a couple months after we’d moved cross-country for her job. XW also told our daughter that I’d attacked her car – I’m guessing because her new car got dinged in the parking lot and she just assumed I did it – and put a nail through my tire in revenge.

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
2 years ago
Reply to  Luckycline

My ex wife did the same thing. People fawned over her because she was an “abused” woman. They actually told me that I deserved to be cheated on because I was an abuser. Makes me sick to my stomach.

Thrive
Thrive
2 years ago

I found an empty bottle of viagra in his truck door pocket. I said what is this? Are you having an affair?. He said no it’s for beating off. UBT: doesn’t every limp dick carry his boner pills around with him in his truck door? What if I am stopped at a stop light and see some cutie, pop a pill, give myself a hand-job in say 30 minutes and have a swell day. It’s what we do in our late fifties-always ready.

NotAnymore
NotAnymore
2 years ago
Reply to  Thrive

This. Mine never copped to any affair, but the freaking herbal boner pills were everywhere. For jerking off of course ????????????

So Done
So Done
2 years ago
Reply to  NotAnymore

Same. Viagra was for jerking off. First he told me the ED was from me. Then he said I have no problem getting it up on my own and jerking off. It’s just you. Then it was … I had problems getting it up on my own so I used it to jerk off. The lies… the lies…the lies…I couldn’t find any trace of money spent on another woman, a hooker, etc… it was baffling.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  So Done

Card carrying member of “Porn Slobs United” ?

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  NotAnymore

Using condoms to wank is also in the Man Baby Cheater Playbook

SeenTooMuch
SeenTooMuch
2 years ago
Reply to  Thrive

Thrive, my ex tried to tell me that he took Viagra for masturbating, too. At first, when I couldn’t find them in the house and confronted him, he told me it was none of my effing business and wouldn’t tell me where they were.

It was only months later, after I filed for divorce and we had a very short reconciliation, that he told me the Viagra was in his work office and that he used them for masturbation. So, he was taking a lunch break and jerking off?

I now believe he was using them with random gay guys and maybe even sharing/selling them. But I don’t care anymore.

TwinsDad
TwinsDad
2 years ago

Kucktard, on her 4th (known) AP, after being served divorce papers, “How could YOU do this to our children?!?!” (Hair on fire)

LeeBT, “How DARE you JUDGE me!!!! I’m the only one that gets to change the contract!!!!” #betterblowjobsthroughsecrecy #allthecake

ChumpyNoLove
ChumpyNoLove
2 years ago
Reply to  TwinsDad

They are truly amazing with their twisted world view and gaslighting abuse. My ex wife stated “you’re the one who left us”. Nope, I’m pretty sure her fucking dozens of men and continued to cheat despite being caught might be the damn reason I filled for divorce oh and her making false DV allegations that led to me being arrested and removed from my family home by social services.

GinnyGirl
GinnyGirl
2 years ago

As the cheater leaves on a solo camping trip: “I will be in the mountains out of cell phone range so you might not hear from me” translation: ” I will be too busy humping the OW/Soulmate to be checking in on my calls”

Fast forward 5 years and I randomly find myself face to face with the cheater. He starts spewing out regrets, the OW has shipped out leaving a financial/emotional tsunami in her wake. At the end of our conversation, he says: ” Do you want to go for counselling?” Translation: ” I am still blame-shifting and holding you responsible for me straying” – and this is why no contact brings me peace and harmony.

Iwillbeok
Iwillbeok
2 years ago

“You didn’t like me anymore.”
“I thought you would be apathetic.”
“I offer to live in the guest room but come and go and do whatever I want with anyone as I please.”
“These hookers like me for me.”

Disgusting piece of shit!!

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
2 years ago
Reply to  Iwillbeok

Omg! I got “I know you love me but I don’t think you like me.” WTF??

Translation: Poor me. My marriage sucks but I don’t want to divide assets and pay spousal support. And I’d have to sell the mountain home and the marital home. And I won’t look like the successful man with the perfect life. So I’ll just pretend to be a family man when I actually want you, my AP. Maybe someday I’ll divorce her, after our kid goes to college, but by then I’ll probably have moved on to another AP.

Looking back, I realize I questioned him whenever something felt “off.” I thought I could tell when he was lying and of course I wanted to believe that the man who I married was a man of morals — honest and loyal.

Many, many years ago, I got a call from a man asking if my husband traveled and that he was having an affair with his wife. Husband said he never even went to that town and offered to show me his work travel expenses. I was uncomfortable, of course, but bought it. It falls me to realize that he went from one affair to another all those years.

Many years later I discovered quite by accident that he had been involved with a high school gf and he could not deny it, he told me it had ended a year earlier and I could check his phone records. He actually said he was a good husband and that he dropped everything when I had a ski accident and was taken to the hospital. (He had said he didn’t feel well and stayed home, but was actually with her.) Wow! Whatta guy!!

Oh, and two months later, while o was still using a cane, we were in Costa Rico celebrating my 50th, our 20th and my daughters 10th bday, he had a “work crisis.” The AP’s husband had found out. He said he spent a year afraid I’d find out.

Anyway, as far as I knew it was the first, it was over and he claimed it was an emotional affair. It happened after his mother died and he was distraught. We went to counseling, where he lied.

After DD#2, when I confronted him about lying in MC, his response was “Of course I lied. You were there.” MC bought his BS, said he really wanted to stay in the marriage, and that I was the one who needed to decide whether to divorce. As a child of divorce, I didn’t want my daughter to be without her father, so I hung in there.

He asked me “how long do I have to be in the doghouse?” UBT: I had no remorse. When can things get back to normal and I can pretend to be a loving husband and a devoted dad so everyone thinks I’m actually a good guy?”

Of course, I hid the relationship from my famiky and only told a couple of friends.

Only to be chumped again.

Of course, years separated these events. I had bought his BS and trusted the man I married, was faithful to, gave up my career for to care for our daughter while he traveled for work (and had affair after affair.)

Too bad I didn’t discover this site after DD#1. Or even before, which would have given me insight to open my eyes.

I’m 5 years out, divorced, have my own little home, kid in college and dating. But clearly haven’t gotten to meh yet. He’s living with the OW in a big new house on a golf course, living the image of success again. He makes the big bucks (like I once did) so he’s able to have his toys and vacations. But I get 1/3 of his income, retired and living quite comfortably. He’s on the hook supporting me for another 10 years.

Karma’s a bitch.

Sorry for the length of this post. I’m sure you all know what it’s like to vent.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  Giddy Eagle

No need to apologize. We all understand. Cheating is a massive blow and emotionally scarring. Even years later the faded scar is still there and is a little itchy some days.

Elsie
Elsie
2 years ago

“No one will ever love you like I do.”

UBT: “I will run you into the ground until there is almost nothing left of you. That is my version of love.”

My response: “That isn’t love. I choose life without you.”

“You can’t function in life without me.”

UBT: “I am so wonderful that you can’t possibly go on without me.”

My response: “Watch me.”

“If we just start over in a new place, we can make it work.”

UBT: “We will flip a switch and pretend that nothing happened in our marriage. I won’t be accountable to anyone, and I will be free of my misbehaviors. You will have no local friends to run to, only me.”

My response: “No rational person would do that given our history. Burying problems and pretending they’re gone because we’re in a new place is denial, and I live in reality now. And for what it’s worth, I don’t trust you enough to uproot my life entirely.”

DontFeelLikeDancin
DontFeelLikeDancin
2 years ago
Reply to  Elsie

“‘No rational person would do that given our history. Burying problems and pretending they’re gone because we’re in a new place is denial, and I live in reality now. And for what it’s worth, I don’t trust you enough to uproot my life entirely.'”

The only thing I enjoyed more than your UBT were your responses. Resonates – thank you!

Flower
Flower
2 years ago

Father: I’ve done everything for you.

UBT:
I abandoned you, and to make it clear that it was my wife’s fault and my children’s fault I had another family on the side and children, with a controlling psychopath, so that your life could be properly ruined.
And I was justified to not provide for you because otherwise I would have provided for you.
And why are you still alive, you were supposed to die so that all evidence of my actions would have been wiped off of the earth.

Flower
Flower
2 years ago
Reply to  Flower

No, I am not comfortable with what I wrote. I tried to force myself to conform with the blog’s general view on cheaters, but I should not have done so, because, now that I wrote it, I know it is not the truth. What I lived, in my father’s case, was different.
In my father’s case, both he and my mother —shame-based “feeble-minded” individuals owing to family weakness— were accosted by the couple from hell. My parents were people onto whom everybody could project their shame. They kept being humiliated, but they would not notice. The couple from hell, the OW and her partner, were after resources. And it ended with a child. The couple from hell had found the resources for their own children as well. My father’s was a descent into madness. He lost everything. We were reserved ruin and subtle instigation to prostitution and suicide. My father’s, a drawn-out suicide of two decades. He was a man hollowed out in the end.
And all the voyeurs gathered one last time at his funeral. To gloat over the fallen man.

Flower
Flower
2 years ago
Reply to  Flower

Not even this way. The truth is more likely the encounter or the friction of above two items.

DrMAD
DrMAD
2 years ago

“We’re not labeling it” Translation: your ex best friend who also happens to be my best friends wife and I are having an affair and totally in a relationship. But since she’s a money grubbing ditch pig we want to be sure this affair doesn’t impact any financial settlement she may be entitled to.
“I love you but I’m not in love with you” “The marriage was over years ago” Translation: I ALONE decided I was done and instead of putting my big boy pants on and talking through things and ending our marriage with dignity, I decided to be a self serving narcissist and have affairs or try to have affairs with our friends wives and point out every flaw you have. Also, I needed to show the world how crazy you are so I could justify my shitty behavior but since you are nice and people like you, I had to gaslight you to the point of you questioning your own sanity so that I could say “see she’s watching our alarm system and questioning why I opened the door at 4:00 in the morning” Never mind that your ex best friend came to our house and spent the evening with me while you were in Europe with our daughters and I fucked her for the second time that week while she lied to my best friend, her husband, why she left their two young children with a sitter. That’s not important. What’s important is that YOU were being insanely suspicious as to why I came come at 5:00 a.m. the very next day after you left for Europe and correctly suspected I was out fucking someone, but you just didn’t know who. And then you continued to be suspicious about why I disarmed the alarm at 4:00 in the morning from the phone and then the door opened immediately and you assumed (correctly) that it was someone leaving because she needed to get home to her kids before her husband came home from an overnight shift.

I could do this all day friends…

Cathy McSporran
Cathy McSporran
2 years ago

During the divorce, while he was claiming he ‘couldn’t find’ the records of his financial assets: “I’m not trying to cheat you.” Translation: “I’m trying to cheat you.”

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

That reminds me:

when trying to get me to use his lawyer: “I know you have no reason to trust me” SBT: “You have every reason distrust me, in fact you would be an idiot to trust me, and since I still think you are an idiot; lets use the same lawyer, so he and I can screw you into poverty”

MightyWarrior
MightyWarrior
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

We are both lawyers. He wanted to sort out the finances while I was a mess. He wanted to come to the house to ‘discuss’. Even in my suicidal state, I knew that he was trying to weaken me into agreeing to anything he wanted, so I refused. We had a pointless, compulsory mediation at which he said and offered nothing material. He looked sorry for himself and remarked that, because of my legal specialism I was ‘in my comfort zone’ while he, a mere commercial property lawyer, was ‘uncomfortable’. UBT, Mr Mediator, see, it’s all her fault and I’m a weak person who does not know what I’m doing, help me!’. And the mediator promptly did.

I stood my ground, knowing I had to tick the box and pay the mediator, and move on to court.

At the end, after lots of muttering from him that he ‘only wanted a fair settlement’ and ‘hadn’t hidden his bonuses’, I asked him whether he understood why I didn’t trust him. He just stared at me, shark-eyed. That ended the last shred of love. All I could see was a tiny, little, weak, ugly person. I felt nauseous and disgusted, with him, not myself.

I bought him out. Gave him too much money but so worth it to get shot. No kids so I never have to see that POS again. My UBT finally got its mojo back, after 26 years. And life feels fantastic.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  MightyWarrior

” All I could see was a tiny, little, weak, ugly person.”

That is how I eventually saw the rat faced bastard. (thanks C6) I mean honestly, I saw him at our grandsons graduation and he looked like an actual rat. I had not seen him for years, and it was kind of comical. He wouldn’t even look me in the eyes. By then he and the whore had made a miserable financial mess of their lives, despite the fact that he got most of the assets.

All I got was a years temp maintenance while we were legally separated, and a small property (one bedroom house) that was paid for. Which was all I wanted.

He could have walked away and had he done what we planned, made a fortune, but he chose to start gambling and not only lost it all, but racked up almost three hundred in gambling debt. They had to file bankruptcy.

Honestly that surprised me, I knew he had turned into a bastard (or had always been) but I never thought he would be so financially irresponsible. Weird.

Faithful Rage
Faithful Rage
2 years ago

“I didn’t think she was a prostitute” : you just paid her to have sex after she quoted you a price
“You kiss better” : after seeing a text message he sent her (“your kisses are magical”)
“I don’t know how to use emojis”: then seeing the hundreds of text messages he sent her full of emojis
????????????
“I need more time”: to have cake, while “trying to resolve” his feelings for the prostitute
“Everyone has sugar babies now; you’re just old fashioned” : rationalizing paying the prostitute
“What’s a little money? I earn it”: when questioned about spending $1500 in 1 week on prostitute
“I didn’t realize marriage vows meant forever”: really? His parents were married 67 years…
And the cliche nuggets “You’d like her”, “Can’t you stop talking about it?”.

Ain't It A Shame
Ain't It A Shame
2 years ago

“You’re too good for me.” = You’re good enough to abuse. ​

​ “I’m not in contact with OW/OM.” = I’m gorging on all of the cake that I can. It might have sh*t for frosting, but it’s still cake.

“OW and I are over.” Sloppy seconds ditched me for another f*ckbuddy.

​”We weren’t getting along.” = Adulting isn’t fun. Sloppy seconds didn’t expect me to care for my elderly parents and scrub the toilet, just send her a thousand emojis and selfies of my shortcomings.

​ “I’m sorry.” = I regret all of those financial and reputational consequences that I’ve experienced as a result of my navel gazing fuckery. I’m a victim too.

​ “I miss you and hope we can stay in touch.” = I hate missing out on those kibbles.

Madge
Madge
2 years ago

“I’m sorry I wasn’t my best self with you.”
Translation:
“I’m sorry I got caught, let me say something meaningless to try and reel you back in.”
And, of course, my response, which is…”How many selves do you have? Is there one that isn’t a jerk?”

Marthadogooder
Marthadogooder
2 years ago

“I just want to say that I love you very much and I think about making love to you every day. I love you very much”. MUBT: I just found out that some anonymous person sent OW’s husband a text message with dates, times, and names of all the men she’s fucked in the last 15 years and I am on that list and scared to death you’ll hear about it. Me(giggling and thinking) “I know you don’t think I sent the text because I don’t ever have a cell phone, but this is a pandemic and all you have to do is put on your mask, walk into Walmart, and buy a burner phone which you then toss after you’ve blown her boat out of the water.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
2 years ago
Reply to  Marthadogooder

❤️

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago
Reply to  Marthadogooder

That is so awesome. I used a burner email to send copies of one of the OW’s emails and nasty photos to her husband. I waited a long time until the D-day had blown over. OW had moved to the other side of the country. I just patiently lay in wait. I was awful and it felt good so I probably shouldn’t have, but I did. She had tweeted photos that she was all about her church ladies’ group and she was such a holy woman. I just broke. Holy, my ass. I sent the whole mess to her husband. She likely hadn’t seen klootzak in a year but to me, it was about settling the score. She was married. She knew klootzak was married. And I had wished so hard that someone had told me and I had not been chumped. I wrestled with whether I should tell him. Then when she claimed to be such a woman of virtue, that did it. He divorced her so fast. I’m happy for the guy. He didn’t deserve that. Neither did I. I don’t regret telling him one bit. Had klootzak lied to her, I might have let it go, but she was a willing accomplice and all about the cake. Eff that.

Marthadogooder
Marthadogooder
2 years ago

I waited 15 years until the OW was the same age I was when she fucked my husband and made sure I found out about it…that is her MO – fuck a married man and tell the wife. I know of at least two divorces she caused on ONE floor of an office building. I also told her husband that when he buried his only son, dead from leukemia, that she had her current AP acting as a pallbearer. I really dug to get the goods and then I delivered. I admire you for doing the same!

Dawn
Dawn
2 years ago
Reply to  Marthadogooder

Mighty!

ChumpedNoMo
ChumpedNoMo
2 years ago

Soon to be ex gay in denial husband: ” I miss you. I just want to say hi and you won’t talk to me…”
Me: Do, tell, when do you miss me more… when you are getting fucked in the ass? Or when he is sucking your dick?

outoftheblue
outoftheblue
2 years ago

I can’t leave OW, she had a boyfriend before and she’d be so upset = After trying to seduce women and move in with them for years I’ve finally found one who will drop her knickers and let me come and live with her, otherwise, if I left you I’d have to find a bedsit if I let this one go when will another such come along

I want a divorce = Actually, I want access to the dosh and the house in case something goes wrong, so let’s wait 2 years so we can do it by mutual consent, by that time people will have forgotten what I did and I’ll look good. What….. you have filed for divorce, why have you done this to me, wah, wah, how could you, are you seeing someone else, that is shocking, you are cutting ties and this might go wrong for me and I’ll need somewhere to live, I NEED to control how this is going.
Well, no I wasn’t seeing anyone. But shame on you for asking our daughter if I was and trying to persuade her to stop me from filing

You’ve stolen my pension….I’ll be entitled to some of your inheritance when your parents die = I’m coming away with some money of yours from an inheritance, but apart from that I just want to cut off all ties including financial ones, well ones from me to you, not the other way round, why shouldn’t I benefit even though I’ve said I want a clean break from you.
Thankfully, my parents were still alive until some time after our divorce, both his parents however died while he was refusing to accept the settlement that, had he accepted it at the time, they both would have been alive.
On Ash Wednesday I went to the service and there was the reading about the woman taken in adultery and that made me realise that it would not be wrong to go off to be with her, God would approve = I conveniently stopped listening before the reader got to the bit that says go and sin no more, you know the bit that comes immediately , a good nanosecond after the good bit where she is not condemned; that would have been so inconvenient to hear
I’d not been able to go as was stuck on a train as a wire had broken and I arrived home around 4 hours late. NB he didn’t usually go, apparently, OW had planned to go but had forgotten when it came to it.

I might come to your father’s 90th birthday party [about 6 weeks after he left] = How could they possibly think bad of me, don’t they want me to be happy, how could they not want me, I’m special

I need to tell you, I had an affair with x and x’s daughter, and I tried to make out with your sister when she was a teenager and visited you = I’d better tell you about the ones that you might find out about so it doesn’t look so bad, let’s not worry about the ones who won’t tell you, and your sister won’t want to tell you what I really did, would she
Well, yes x did tell me. With others, jigsaw bits started to come together and I have a probable list

It’s all your fault, you didn’t come and help me look after my father when my mother was in hospital = why should I have had to do that, if you’d been there I could have gone out for walks and enjoyed myself and everyone would think that I was a great guy dropping everything to look after him
Actually, I did ask if he’d like me to come down, but he said no it was all ok, everything going well – until I’d gone to bed that night and he rang and wanted me to travel in the middle of the night because his father didn’t know where his wife was, and that was going to keep him awake.; when I said I could come in the morning after packing some clothes, when there were regular trains [he had taken the car because when he eventually was persuaded by his mother to come down it was too late to get a train, no if I didn’t want to come now when he needed me don’t come at all. Not quite sure how coming in the wee small hours when everyone would have gone to sleep would have helped, especially as I would have had to wake him up to let me in. Truth was that he thought himself to be too important to look after an old man for a few days, but boy how he milked the narrative that I refused to help him
Better stop there

tallgrass
tallgrass
2 years ago

CHUMP: But, you told me there was no longer any lead in the pencil and so there was no reason to fight about sex anymore.

FUCKWIT: I never said that.

CHUMP: (proceeds to describe the exact place and time and circumstance when those words were said.)

FUCKWIT: Well, then, it must have just been about you, then. I don’t have a problem when I’m with her.

Meaning: This is uncomfortable for me because you are twisting my story into something that is not my reality. Damn it, you’re supposed to believe that you have a horrible memory. I didn’t have you degraded down quite as far as I thought I did.

ClearMind
ClearMind
2 years ago

Temporary Husband who abandoned me and my child two months ago, via text: “If you want to talk or close it out, let me know.”
Translation: “I still have negative feelings toward you that I don’t know how to deal with so I want to lure you in with the idea of closure so I can dump them all over you and then feel better, just like I did when we were married.”
Me: No response
TH the next day: “Are you upset about something?”
Translation: “I want you to tell me that you are, so I can dump my feelings on you. I am waiting and I can’t hold them in much longer!”
Me: No response

Me, on the topic of communication: “Please do not call or text me. Please only email me. If you want to have a phone call, send me an email and we can schedule a time to talk.”
TH: “If you want me back or care about me, stop it. I don’t like how you talk to me in emails. I was just thinking about a nice memory the other day, but now you’re making me glad that I did what I did. You can’t control how I communicate, I will continue to call and text.”
Translation: “I have told all of my friends that we were trying to reconcile, and I am either bored or losing my validation from Schmoopie so I REALLY NEED to dump all of my emotions on you! I don’t know how to deal with them in a healthy way, and when I have a feeling, I need to immediately access you to dump all over you! You can’t set a boundary now! You didn’t set a boundary before! I want you to feel guilty, and I want to tell everyone that you are the one who is hurting me!”
Me: *Blocked his number, so guess who actually CAN control how she gets talked to?*

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago
Reply to  ClearMind

I was characterized as abusive and controlling for blocking FW’s number. I told him my expectations around communication, and my boundaries around how I needed to be treated and what I needed to see and hear – nothing new. I held onto those expectations and enforced my boundaries – unprecedented. Hence, “abusive”… of my power to protect and make choices for myself???

Okupin
Okupin
2 years ago
Reply to  ClearMind

Wow, ClearMind, you’re doing SO WELL with your boundaries and you’re only 2 months out. You are mighty. My ex tried some similar bullshit in the early days. Isn’t it amazing how much it’s like trying to talk to a 5-year-old? Stay strong. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but Chump Nation is here for you.

ClearMind
ClearMind
2 years ago
Reply to  Okupin

Thank you, Okupin! Full disclosure, this is my second marriage to a whiny baby-man; the first I had a kid with (and is way worse than TH!) so I get to deal with that one forever. TH did me a favor and left after just four months of marriage so no kids together or even common property… heading for a clean divorce and healing for me and my kid. You’d think I would have known better to not get with him in the first place, but I have to look on the bright side and see that I have experience with setting boundaries and filing for divorce in my state! (insert cackling emoji)

Informal
Informal
2 years ago

Ex: I wasn’t going to leave you.
UBT:I wasn’t going to leave you so I can continue to control your life.

Ex: I’ve been miserable 22 yrs
UBT: My empty soul is miserable as hell and I want you to be as well and work really hard on mind reading why I’m screamed this at you.

Ex: I was so tired from riding I couldn’t drive home.
Background:Ex rides motorcycles at tracks. He also took a specific female and maybe others too. I would shop for food unknowingly feeding both. I refused to go after going once for the day because I told him there was nothing there for me and I wasn’t going to be his track gopher pretending he is a good husband and dad. Track closed on Sunday and he developed the habit of coming home Tuesday. There were a couple of local guys that went as well but they always came one on Sunday evenings to their families so I would wonder what they thought of him and the other females knowing he had a family.
UBT: I was so tired of riding other women and them riding me that I couldn’t drive. My dick is way more important that my family.
* we were happy happy happy when he pulled out of the drive. We began our exit hours after he left for a weekend ride and as predicted to my attorney like clockwork he came in on Tuesday and started blowing up my phone. I didn’t answer until he called on his burner phone he thought I didn’t know about. His dumb ass remark was that I’d pick up a call from someone I didn’t know but not for him. I informed him that I knew it was his phone and he screamed it was a guy that worked for him. Waa waa waa was what I heard.

Justin
Justin
2 years ago

Mine had begun ending a lot of sentences or statements with “cause I’m honest” or “everyone knows how honest I am”.

This translates to “everything I say is a lie, but if I say how honest of a person I am, then people will not realize I lie constantly”.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Justin

Yep, mine would do that.

The top of the cake was when he had just told me that he had been “dating” for ten years, had been unhappy for ten years and had never loved me (21 years). Then the next sentence out of his mouth was, I am just not a very good liar, I can’t do it anymore.

Lied to me our whole marriage, lied to everyone else for years; but yeah sad sausage just wasn’t good a lying.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago

Cheater: She flirted. I’m so naive.
UBT: I’m guilty as sin. I love kibbles, and when I saw a young, available source, I pounced. Sure we were both married with kids, but what the hell? YOLO!

Cheater: She tried to end it by moving away.
UBT: I like saying this because it makes her look good, and I want people to think that I left you for a good person. It also makes me seem SO desirable. My awesomeness was SO great and our love so strong (think romance novel) that she had to physically remove herself from the state or else she would have gone mad with desire. Oh, and I’m too stupid to see this as a manipulation tactic on her part.

Cheater: I love you both. I didn’t expect this to happen until that last day or two when you (Spinach) reacted so badly.
UBT: I don’t love you. I’m not even sure what love is. But I like to say that I love you both because it makes me seem like a good guy with a tortured soul who is trying to make such a hard decision. POOR ME! I also like blaming you, Spinach. p.s. I still want cake!

TL;DR: I spew BS. That’s all I do.

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago

“I hope when we’re through the hard part [of divorce], we can be friends.”

AdelanteBT: “I would like to continue to extract value from you (and limit the financial damage you could do during the divorce).”

It’s Over
It’s Over
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

I’m living this every day right now. Midst of divorce living in the same house with two young kids. Everyday he puts so much effort into THIS ????

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

Yep.

He said that to me on the phone, I hope we can be friends. I just said “No, I am particular about who my friends are” then said “get the D filed” and said goodbye.

Thank goodness he got it filed in a few days, or I would have had to; and I didn’t want to.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

Yeah. I got that, too. They’re so unoriginal. AdelanteBT nails the translation.

Oh, mine added, “I will always care about you.” So deep into the effed-up relationship was I that I almost believed this at first. ROTFL!

DuddersGetsChumped
DuddersGetsChumped
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Oh yes exactly. Mine said I still want to be (daughter’s) loving mum and dad, and he talked about his new place being family headquarters number 2. I could go round and have dinner there and stuff. Mind fuck. And apparently Love Never Dies. Then at the same time abhorrent things said about us, me, ourtime together.

UBT: I will pretty much say anything as long as it only makes you look bad, doesn’t make me look bad and I don’t admit any of what has really been going on.

Once I found out a confronted him, guess what, I’m a horrible person who he doesn’t know any more and that’s just sad. Boo fucking hoo. Still waiting for the invite for dinner at Family Headquarters No 2. Heh heh.

AuntBea619
AuntBea619
2 years ago

song by Crosby, Nash, & Young “Teach Your Children Well ”

You, who carried the load
Must have a code that you can live by
And now you are by yourself
Because the past is just a goodbye

Teach your children well
Their father’s hell is what they’re thrown by
And feed them on your dreams
The one they pick’s the one you’ll know by

Don’t you ever ask him, “Why”
If he told you, you would cry
So just look at him and sigh
And know he doesn’t love you

And you worn down by years
Now know the fears
That at first you tried to deny

And so, we all now know
The way we wasted our youth
Trying to know the truth
Before we told him good-bye

And teach the other chumps well
Their days in hell will slowly go by
And we will form the teams
That help each other finally know why.

Don’t you ever ask him, “Why”
If he told you, you would cry
So just look at him and sigh
And know he doesn’t love you

OHFFS
OHFFS
2 years ago
Reply to  AuntBea619

Excellent!

Portia
Portia
2 years ago

I got home late yesterday, and posted at the end of the comments about the “fix your picker” journey. If you look at all the lies posted here, and the refusal to take responsibility for bad actions, and blame shifting, and substance abuse, you see the obvious pattern and script liars and cheaters follow. After you see it, you are no longer in the thrall of loving an unlovable person. You save yourself for people who are deserving of your love and attention, and you push all the bad stuff out of your everyday experience. You have learned things you probably never wanted to know, but it will protect you going forward, like a shield of knowledge.

The UBT is funny. It is good to laugh at the ridiculous situations we found ourselves in. Laughter is a great cure, along with time, and clear thinking. Aunt Bea 619’s take on a CSNY classic is so right — you know what love is not, and that he doesn’t love you. That is the key concept for a new life.

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago
Reply to  Portia

“you know what love is not, and that he doesn’t love you”… and that he doesn’t share your values and goals, nor does he appreciate or determine your worth.

outoftheblue
outoftheblue
2 years ago
Reply to  bread&roses

ooh yes, when we were at mediation and he was going on about being incompatible blah blah blah… I said well yes, you two share the same values and I don’t, so you’re right

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
2 years ago

The Python said: “You make my life a living hell.”

Translation: “I want to fuck other women and go into tens of thousands of dollars in debt for multiple motorcycles and other toys but you have the nerve to complain.”

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Hopium4years

Good gried.

Yes, my fw wanted me to sign for a river front property. I really didn’t want to as I thought we were already inn too deep with rental property and a big ass boat. So he whined “ok fine I will just sit home all the time” God forbid he spend any time home with me.

Anyway I finally caved, and it became his and the whores get a way. That is the one thing I still resent. That I helped him set up his love next for his whore.

Of course he lots that and every thing else to gambling debts (bankruptcy) after we divorced, but still she got to use it for a while.

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

I totally get how you feel.

After D-Day #1 (I smoked hopium until #2), he started his motorcycle buying spree and had enough cash for the first one but soon had his eye on another. He convinced me that it was really important to have one for commuting and one for “touring” (long rides during which I found out later he texted the various waitresses he was pursuing).

He had crappy credit and couldn’t get a loan so he convinced me to charge it on one of my credit cards and promised he would pay all the payments (even at that ridiculous interest rate). I agreed and he did make regular payments but it fries me that he used those long rides to try to build a harem.

Okupin
Okupin
2 years ago

It was always Opposite Day with ol’ Best Regards: basically if he said anything negative about himself, it was really about me, and vice versa. Once I learned the mirror trick, a lot of things snapped into place for me. To wit:

“I’m working out 2x a day because I don’t want to get fat and have you not be attracted to me anymore.”
UBT: You’re getting too fat for my tastes and I’m not attracted to you anymore.

“Why are you mad at me? I just got home from work!”
UBT: I came home from work mad and am taking it out on you, who is actually in a perfectly fine mood.

(When I told him I would never go out to dinner alone with a guy, even for work, because I don’t like giving out the wrong impression to friends and colleagues): “You’re being weird. Sounds like you really want to go have dinner with other men.”
UBT: I am totally dating another woman right now.

“You built a wall between us.”
UBT: I have spent the last 6 months building a wall between us out of absence, neglect, silence, rage, and criticism.

And so on. It’s a pretty neat trick, actually—very hard to catch on to for those of us who tend to mean what we say.

LifeIsWonderful
LifeIsWonderful
2 years ago
Reply to  Okupin

My ex did the same behaviour and would talk about a guy at his work saying ‘his face is so fat. Why doesn’t he take care of himself?” All the while looking at me with contempt.
Translated: you have gotten fat, you disgust me. I deserve more as I am entitled.

I said to the ex, “you should take a look in the mirror, you’re 127kg!”

I had put on weight but that will happen when your husband leaves for work at 4am and returns 6pm and I worked full time, did all the house chores, organised our child for school, did all the meals, bills, investments, finances, organised the holidays, weekends with friends, you know- everything.
What a lovely life for him seeing prostitutes, lying to his family etc.
So I didn’t take care of myself as I simply had no fricken TIME but I sure do have time now and am loving not having that ball and chain around my neck dragging me down with his misery.

Carmen
Carmen
2 years ago

“I only had unprotected sex ONCE with one of the people I cheated on you with.”
Translates loosely to:
“Not only did I not care about you, your health and our unborn baby’s health…I also don’t care about mine. I think the pullout method and showering is a form of std prevention when sleeping with strippers and drug addicts.” ????

OHFFS
OHFFS
2 years ago
Reply to  Carmen

But…but…they were all CLEAN strippers and drug addicts!”

My idiot; “I thought she was clean.”

UBT; “The fact that she was the town bike, ridden more times than the mechanical bull in a Texas dive bar, somehow did not dissuade me from forming that conclusion.”

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
2 years ago

“I was going to write you a letter but since I’m here, I might as well say it. Give me another chance?”

UBT: I can’t actually be bothered to write anything or make this special. Also I believe my physical presence/body language/mystic aura/specialness pheromones will overpower your good sense. Plus there will be nothing in writing that you can use against me.