UBT: ‘I Do Not See Him As a Cheater’
Dear Chump Lady,
I’m getting my ducks in a row. Interested on your take on Schmoopie’s correspondence. I can scarcely wrap my head around it.
Reader’s Digest version: FW started yet another inappropriate relationship with assistant and Schmoopie #3. This time ’round took place when my father was dying. D-Day unfurled via Schmoopie sending FW a text with an XOXO. When I saw the text, I confronted them both. I told her FW confessed, that she needed to seek “employment” elsewhere and that I was a real person deserving of at least the consideration required to kindly stop texting my husband. Here is what her response was.
“I too am a real person. You are behaving as though you are the only person that has been affected and that this is all about you. I completely comprehend that you see my feelings as insignificant; however, they are not.
There is no question that I was wrong but I have to wonder about you. You continue to say that I have destroyed something that was so obviously broken.
Although my relationship with FW was short I paid a lot of attention to what he was all about. Contrary to the obvious, I do not see him as a cheater. He seems to be the type that genuinely wants to do the right thing. For your own sake I suggest that you look deeper into this scenario. Look past the part where you have placed me entirely responsible, look past the part where you have put FW responsible and start taking responsibility for your part as well no matter what that may be.
I have never been cheated on nor have I cheated so embrace the fact that I am not a predator. I believe strongly in karma. I am living a perfect example of it now. The one thing that you have been entirely accurate about is the fact that I AM NOT A VICTIM and news flash you are not either. I see how very much you want this to be all my fault and that’s fine. Do whatever you have to do to push through it but unless you want to stay right where you are now you should contribute more effort to focusing on why FW wanted me and less on trying to embarrass me. I’ve accepted all that I have without recourse because I felt that you were entitled but now I am over it. You have already forced me to have to tell my babes what I did and it was that moment that you lost all of your power over me.
****NOTE She was FW’s “assistant” and after D-Day I cleaned out her desk. There was some new-agey sign about happiness that read: To be happy….etc etc. I crossed out what was written there and replaced it with:
TO BE HAPPY DON’T DATE OTHER WOMEN’S HUSBANDS.
Not my proudest moment lol. But it was satisfying at the time. FW dropped the contents of her desk off at her home. And her daughter saw the sign so she was pissed****
Her skeevy email continued…
“You say you want to move on… So do it. I’m ready to put all this behind me and the only way to start is for you to cease and desist the urge to lash out at me again. I highly recommend it… Keep it up and you may end up with your feelings hurt.”
My situation is complicated. *I also work for his business through which I have health insurance. I have two illnesses and can NOT be sans insurance. Consulting with an attorney for a path forward.
I am crystal clear that FW….is a FW. I have no illusions there. I am also struck by how utterly devoid of empathy her correspondence was. You would think there would be a moment of shame or humility. Nope! Blows my mind. Love to get the UBT’s take!
Thank you for what you do. It’s helped bring me to a long overdue place of clarity.
Sincerely,
Irish3rdTimeChump
****
Dear Irish3rdTimeChump,
Before I toss the mutterings of Shameless Schmoopie into the mandibles of the Universal Bullshit Translator, a small bitchslap is in order.
Don’t police your husband’s wandering dick. Leave that job to the lawyers.
Warning off Schmoopie, trying to shame Schmoopie, telling Schmoopie she’s Schmoopie #146 in a long assembly line of Schmoopies — is the pick me dance. Even when it feels like a snappy rejoinder, (i.e., Don’t Fuck Other People’s Husbands) it’s coming from a place of weakness — giving fuckwits attention because they hurt you. The power move here is a divorce summons.
Talk to your attorney about those ducks soonest, because a scorned workplace Schmoopie is a lawsuit waiting to happen. And don’t think she won’t use your note as evidence of her hostile work environment. Best to have clean hands and get to the settlement money first.
Now to ridicule OW’s email.
“I too am a real person.
I too am a real orifice.
You are behaving as though you are the only person that has been affected and that this is all about you.
You are behaving as if I harmed you by conspiring against you, fucking your husband and damaging the family business. O contraire. I am the real victim here.
I completely comprehend that you see my feelings as insignificant; however, they are not.
Orifices have feelings too.
#ifyouprickme #doInotsue
There is no question that I was wrong
#reasons
but
Always the qualifier.
I have to wonder about you.
My DARVO is complete.
Whatever I did (for love!), you’ve done worse. You destroyed a meme. A happiness sunset meme lovingly stapled to a cubicle wall. A precious artifact that can never be replaced.
And I’ll never have that recipe again.
You continue to say that I have destroyed something that was so obviously broken.
How can I harm your marriage when it was such a sham to begin with? I know it’s a broken relationship because your lying, cheating husband told me so. Moi? Home wrecker? You’re Godzilla Destroyer of Marriage.
Although my relationship with FW was short
Furtive blowjobs in the company parking lot. Awkward groping in the Xerox room…
I paid a lot of attention to what he was all about.
Premature ejaculation.
Contrary to the obvious, I do not see him as a cheater.
I see him as a noble, virtuous man desperately in love with my super specialness. And you as the obstacle to our happiness.
I also see ghosts. And elves in the garden patch. And at certain vibrations, my fillings can intercept alien communications.
He seems to be the type that genuinely wants to do the right thing.
In that fuck-around-on-your-wife-and-then-throw-your-mistress-under-the-bus kind of way.
No, I enjoy having my desk cleaned out.
For your own sake I suggest that you look deeper into this scenario. Look past the part where you have placed me entirely responsible, look past the part where you have put FW responsible and start taking responsibility for your part as well no matter what that may be.
You forced me to do that thing you had no idea I was doing to you. Own it!
I have never been cheated on nor have I cheated
Fucking other women’s husbands doesn’t count as cheating. I’ve never had a husband to fuck around on. #goals
so embrace the fact that I am not a predator.
You can believe a predator when she says “HEY I AM A FUZZY KITTEN!” Embrace the kitten. Let her sleep on your pillow. And smother you as you sleep.
I believe strongly in karma.
And karma believes strongly in you too, Toots.
(Oh sorry, the UBT got snarky there for a moment.)
I am living a perfect example of it now.
Alone with my office supplies, caressing my stapler, thinking fondly of those times in the Xerox room.
The one thing that you have been entirely accurate about is the fact that I AM NOT A VICTIM and newsflash you are not either. I see how very much you want this to be all my fault and that’s fine.
I don’t care what you think of me! I don’t care SO MUCH that I’m sending you this email to tell you that I don’t care!
Do whatever you have to do to push through it but unless you want to stay right where you are now you should contribute more effort to focusing on why FW wanted me and less on trying to embarrass me.
Focus your mind on why I’m special and you’re not. I have three orifices and you only have, I don’t know what. Company stock benefits?
Stop trying to embarrass me. I am impervious to embarrassment.
I’ve accepted all that I have without recourse because I felt that you were entitled but now I am over it. You have already forced me to have to tell my babes what I did and it was that moment that you lost all of your power over me.
I sat them down and said, “A mean, mean lady made me fuck my boss. And then she destroyed my happiness meme. But mommy’s not a victim. She’s a very special orifice.”
“You say you want to move on… So do it. I’m ready to put all this behind me and the only way to start is for you to cease and desist the urge to lash out at me again. I highly recommend it… Keep it up and you may end up with your feelings hurt.”
I’m ready to put all this behind me with a veiled threat.
Cease and desist! Respect me the way I respected you. Um…
(A giant anvil of irony drops from the sky and crushes Schmoopie.)
And that’s another CL drawing PLEEEZE … the Giant Anvil of Irony falling from the sky. Crushing all those cheating frootloops who have fed delicious idiotic tidbits to the UBT.
I know CL is a busy woman, but I would love to see more new drawings, too! A few years ago, I suggested one of a drawing of a statue of woman with an epigraph on the plinth that included the words “She trusted that he sucked”, admiring women and girls gathered around the statue. Love the image of the anvil falling from the sky!
……….newsflash!!!
That’s my favorite part 😂 😂😂
Legal question – also known as “how to eat a sit sandwich without getting sauce all over you”? If schmoopie works for FW, under what circumstances can chump terminate schmoopie’s employment? Packing a box seems reasonable – but having FW deliver it? Should it be delivered by chump to a HR or legal office?
The post doesn’t get into the weeds about who was the “boss” versus the “employee” but it sounds like FW is the “boss”. Assuming that is true, the letter writer wouldn’t have any liability here, she’s just a co-worker of Schmoopie. Responsibility for the “hostile work environment” lies with the “boss” — which is just one of a number of things you should really think long and hard about, BEFORE you initiate an affair at your workplace in which both your wife and your mistress are employed.
I know, I know, this all assumes you’re capable of deep, deep thinking.
Honestly, that’s something to consult your business attorney about. Shmoopie could possibly sue for hostile work environment (sleeping with the boss and then getting fired).
That’s not hostile work environment – that’s straight up, classic, quid pro quo sexual harassment. Coming from a dude who has REPEATEDLY hooked up with his assistants and gotten caught by his wife.
It would be a tough case but if they have corporate insurance, the insurance company would want to settle rather than rack up attorney bills. Plus, Schmoopie’s letter to Chump did not do her any favors if she wanted to pursue the hostile work environment.
Schmoopies letter didn’t do her any favors. Nor did her text messages or their happy hour dates or her invitations to romantic dinners. She’s a moron. And she can have him.
In which case perhaps her letter might then be used against her. Which is a delicious thought.
I’m sorry – that should have been shit sandwich
May I please have permission to throat punch this self absorbed, entitled, delusional Schmoopie?
What can you expect from a rapist? That’s what she is. She knew you were being exposed to her vaginal fluids without your consent or knowledge. She’s a rapist. After all the infections I went through due to cheating, I don’t cut these women any slack anymore. You are a victim of her rape fantasies that she helped your husband inflict on you. She really should face criminal prosecution for that.
She acts like you can’t hurt her because she had to tell her children she’s a homewrecking whore but she thinks she can actually hurt your feelings more after she raped you? She’s idiot scum. Not worth addressing in any way. I would suggest arming yourself and getting a restraining order if she continues to contact you though. A woman who will rape will also kill. Her threats may not be empty.
The thing is, she didn’t tell the ‘babes’ what she did. They found out from her office supplies after she was fired.
Exactly! And if she feels what she did was right, why does she care that the “babes” found out? She contradicts herself mightily.
I wonder if the wife, as an employee, could sue her FW boss and the remorseless whore for creating a hostile work environment?
And if she truly cared about her children, she’d have been spending meaningful time with them instead of fucking her married boss. She’s modeling some great behavior for her children.
If she “told” them anything, it was along the lines of: “Something bad happened at work, and I got caught up in it.”
It’s akin to when KK falsely fingered me for domestic assault to her fuckbuddy, then said to me “I told my sister the whole thing.”
I asked, “What exactly did you tell her?”
She responded: “I told her that I did something that didn’t make you look very good.”
That’s was passes for honesty and forthrightness to a cheating fuckwit and their fuckwitted minions.
I didn’t read this as referring to her children. I thought that’s what she called the FW- “babes.”
She says in continuation that her leaflet Happiness is not sleeping with other women’s husband … was found by OW’s children among her office things.
“You are a victim of her rape fantasies that she helped your husband inflict on you. She really should face criminal prosecution for that.”
Some people might consider that too extreme, but I do not. Both FWs and their partners in crime deserve jail time.
The people who think it’s extreme have not dealt with years of painful vaginal issues, a destroyed sex life, and multiple humiliating lectures from doctors about how not to wipe shit into their vaginas. “Because how else could this possibly keep happening unless you’re dirty?” I dealt with all that for years while also dealing with other very serious health issues. When I found out he did that to me…
There were also women I confided in about what was happening to me, how dirty I felt constantly and who saw me become obsessive about cleanliness who KNEW why it was all happening. They watched me cry and then went home and shrugged and laughed and thought “who cares if her vag rots out or she offs herself as long as I get my jollies with her husband! LOLOLOL”
They’re all rapists to me. I’ve been actually raped and while that was a horrible experience, the cheating rape did more damage to me, that damage went on a lot longer and it was way more painful. They earned their titles.
I’m very sorry, Katie. The doctors also let you down. After some time, they should think about the possibility of cheating and say something.
This is how my friend found our her husband was cheating on her. She had an infection and went to the doctor who said to her that she had a simple STI (nothing like syphilis or similar) because she cheated. She said no but then the doctor told her that then her husband did. The doctor was right. They divorced.
Some people might think that the doctor couldn’t have known for sure yada yada, but surely at some point they should mention … and the cause might me infidelity in one or more partners.
It’s so so sad when they think they were the only schmoopie. It’s also sad we are stuck with filthy cheating first degree dbags and their doofus dbag tramps because health insurance.
“Contrary to the obvious…” That’s some extreme MAGA, willfully idiotic self-fuckery there.
My thoughts too as I read this. Seems to be a convenient thought process for FWs, manipulative politicians and their sycophants.
“I see him as a noble, virtuous man desperately in love with my super specialness. And you as the obstacle to our happiness.”
There it is! An AP’s view of cheating. The rationale of choice! The #1 justification for the affair!
I remember schmoopie put something on Facebook or Twitter about how FW “always does the right thing, even if it hurts him”. Like cheating on me? With you?
Similarly, I remember FW telling me that schmoopie was basically beyond reproach, an angel an earth, a saint. Nevermind that she was conspiring in my abuse, sneaking around with him, sleeping in my bed, and cheating on her own then-husband. #delusional.
He admired her nobility in “trying to end it by moving away.” Glory be!! (My take on that, btw, was that she moved away to force his hand. But, whatevs…)
One would think that the saint bubble has burst now that they are married, but who knows?
I got the “she’s a good Catholic girl” BS 🙄 and that her mother volunteered so many hours in the church.
She even put saint statues all over our marital house when we were selling it. It was a fun game to come in and put them in the garbage. I’m not Catholic, but I know the definition of a “good girl”.
Doesn’t that beat all Spinach?!
When they tell you how saintly they are?!
OW in my case was : unique! Had many good qualities!
Always put everyone ahead of herself! Always apologized to everyone!
Wow! What a Gal!! Grrrr.
And they told us this – why???
I’m convinced this is how they all think. Oh, and they are convinced that the marriage was already broken so no harm done.
So true!
The 20 year younger dumb ass ass-istant that FW got involved with told anyone who would listen: “isn’t it funny that both our marriages ended at exactly the same time?!”
Ya- real funny!
She threw her husband out, went heat seeking missile after mine… but both marriages were “over” long before – according to her… what’s a girl to do?
Blech! This letter got on my last nerve. Someone mentioned throat punch…
They have to think this way or otherwise how could they rationalize why they want this person? It’s the same cognitive dissonance that keeps chumps stuck, along the lines of “but he’s a good provider and father.” Thinking that their twu luv would cheat on someone that they were largely happy with means they have chosen a loser, and their ego couldn’t handle that.
While schmoopie here sounds like a real winner, I would not discount the notion that her over the top victim mentality is the build up to a sexual harassment/wrongful termination lawsuit since it appears that I3TC’s FW was her boss/employer. Terminating her without legal advice unfortunately was a move that could make this an extra damaging affair, but that’s on FW. He decided to nuke both his family and potentially his career and bank account in one fell swoop and I just hope I3TC is not the one left holding the bag there too.
Oh my goodness! This Schmoopie’s email is so eerily familiar. CL brought clarity to me when she UBT’d my letter from the OW. And that’s when I realized that the OW really was crazy and not in touch with reality. And as such, this one feels that she is just as entitled. Subsequently, she’s also very dangerous as CL points out. In my case, and before I ever knew there was a CL, I left a similar note on the OW’s driver-side mirror when I found my husband’s car parked outside her house the morning of our anniversary. After I was proud of myself for lashing out (by leaving the note), I was told, “You better watch it…, I would not put it past her to call the police and show that note as evidence that you’re harassing her.” And that’s when I realized that my job and retirement was on the line. Whether the woman was insane or not, I had my life’s work to lose. With that warning, I immediately e-mailed the skank and apologized for leaving that note on her car and I would no longer bother her again. As with the skank, this schmoopie will never be normal. And it would be true vengeance were the FW to marry her (after the divorce) as my ex-FW did. It has been over 8 years since I divorced the FW, and not only do I no longer hate his guts, I have to actually be grateful to him (in a way) for blowing up my life. I’m the happiest that I’ve ever been! It has been so liberating not to deal with FW drama. I did it for 30 years (and previously in my growing up years) and didn’t know that there was anything different. That’s all I knew. But I assure you, now that I have my freedom, I will never put up with such stupidity again. Trust us, Irish3rdTimeChump, someday you will be truly grateful that this happened and that you will have the FW and this schmoopie lunatic out of your life. It truly hurts and sucks right now, but this time is finite. And you will be happy again. Don’t worry about schmoopie’s happiness over your own. Her sense of entitlement is beyond belief. Do what you have to do to get this divorce done as FAST as you can. Take advantage of your FW’s sense of entitlement and keep a low profile while your lawyer handles it.
“and not only do I no longer hate his guts, I have to actually be grateful to him (in a way) for blowing up my life. I’m the happiest that I’ve ever been! It has been so liberating not to deal with FW drama.”
YES THIS.
“It has been over 8 years since I divorced the FW, and not only do I no longer hate his guts, I have to actually be grateful to him (in a way) for blowing up my life.” SAME, Amazon Chump, SAME!!! One of the hardest things to explain to newer Chumps is that the pain truly is finite. I was with my ex FW in total for four decades and I do not miss him at all. I would have happily stayed married to him forever because like you, I had no idea how debilitating it was to be in relationship with someone with a disordered personality. Aside from the cheating, just the day to day struggle of trying to make someone happy who has absolutely no capacity for love, empathy or self reflection was slowly but surely killing me and I didn’t even know it.
Gads! Me, too! Never could give please that selfish, entitled POS.
Yes
Never being able to please them
Then after you get away from them there can b a thousand triggers
Everyday things like ‘Cake, Birthday, Dog, My weight etc.’ bring flashbacks of cruel things he did/said
I work very hard to not relive these moments in my head. Or if I do I remember them, then quickly stop myself from further rumination.
“One of the hardest things to explain to newer Chumps is that the pain truly is finite. I was with my ex FW in total for four decades and I do not miss him at all. I would have happily stayed married to him forever because like you, I had no idea how debilitating it was to be in relationship with someone with a disordered personality. Aside from the cheating, just the day to day struggle of trying to make someone happy who has absolutely no capacity for love, empathy or self reflection was slowly but surely killing me and I didn’t even know it.”
Yes. FW gave me my life back by leaving me. I was literally dying. The stress made me vulnerable to all sorts of things, not the least of which was an extremely rare and potentially fatal lung infection (essentially tuberculosis, but non-communicable person-to-person, that normally only affects the very elderly, or people with damaged immune systems, like AIDS patients — the doctors were baffled as to why/how I ended up with it). After FW left, and I emotionally healed, my body healed too. The last cavitation in my lung closed up (it had been there for 6 years pst-illness). He had also nearly erased my personality, as my whole attention was focused on how to make him happy. He didn’t want me doing anything for myself, and I had gradually given up nearly everything I enjoyed. I didn’t even know who I was without him. It took a few years, but I got myself back again and I’ll never let anyone take that from me.
There’s a Friday challenge – how did your physical health improve after you left? The physical toll of emotional abuse is real
There is really no way to explain the mental and physical toll that loving and living with a person who is just a façade, has on us. All the micro aggressions we absorb without realizing they are happening. I think we instinctively know in some deep part of ourselves that something isn’t right and that wrongness manifests itself in illnesses of various sorts. I know my mental and physical health got much better when I was FW free.
“I didn’t even know who I was without him. It took a few years, but I got myself back again and I’ll never let anyone take that from me.”
SAME. Thank you, ISawTheLight – powerful!
Omg! Yes! This! ⬆️ ⬆️ ⬆️
Isn’t it frightening how many of us fought for these toxic relationships, and would have stayed in them, to our own detriment, if not for the affairs.
ISawTheLight, I’m so happy to hear that your health is so much better! Hugs and high fives! May you enjoy a long and beautiful life of peace, health, and joy!
Same here, Beth & Amazon Chump! I’ve recently been reflecting on how FW and OW actually did me a favor.
Now that I’ve grieved the loss of what I had and who I was I’ve unfurled from the ashes as a new person. I love my self and my life. I’ve curated my own small home, and I live peacefully here.
FW still pops into my head many times each day (as is normal after almost 40 years together), but it’s rarely painful anymore. Now it’s continual reminders of what his preferences would be, or how he would have derided my opinion. It’s made me very aware of how thoroughly coercive he was, and how he sought to control everything.
I am completely free from my former prison of needing to police whether he was being faithful to me, or whether what he said it was true. And the best support we can all give to Irish3rdTimeChump is to encourage them to drop the rope and walk away. Dear friend, there WILL come a day (CL says is a Tuesday) when you literally won’t be able to muster a flying fuck about OW or your ex.
Godspeed to meh!
And Chump Lady, that gif of “Someone left the cake out in the rain” just sent me 😂
Me too, but now that darned song is stuck in my head! And what the heck does it mean anyway? Off to google it now, so maybe I can lay it to rest.
My comment about “Someone Left the Cake Out in the Rain” would more sense if it were properly nested underneath ActaNonVerba’s post.
“FW and OW actually did me a favor.
Now that I’ve grieved the loss of what I had and who I was I’ve unfurled from the ashes as a new person. I love my self and my life. I’ve curated my own small home, and I live peacefully here.”
SAME.
“And it would be true vengeance were the FW to marry her (after the divorce) as my ex-FW did.”
Totally.
Wow! That was a seven course dinner for the UBT. I’m sending Alka Seltzer.
I agree with the AP about one thing- Irish shouldn’t bother embarrassing her further. This orifice is already an embarrassing self-parody, so such efforts are superfluous. Irish, resist the temptation to respond.
I’d be so tempted to reply (but DON’T — block her ass and stay away):
“Thank you so much for the apology. In your letter you state ‘There is no question that I was wrong’ and also that you admitted to your children (“babes”?) what you did.
Ending with you threatening me was disconnecting, so I’ve alerted police to my concerns. Goodbye.”
“And I’ll never have that recipe again.” Honestly, I laughed out loud!
My ex was a blamer. So, my sixty-something, retired husband took off to the beach when I told him I wanted to separate again (#2). He told his very religious family that he had to “flee” because of me. In actuality, he had been talking periodically for years about ditching us and going to the beach. There was also an old girlfriend in the shadows during our entire marriage who lived there, the last I knew.
He complained at first about how neglected and lonely he was. So why did you take off? How is a long-distance separation going to fix the problems? His family circled the wagons around him, and I backed off from them. They were believing what they wanted to hear. It took me a while to put it all together, but I finally realized that he was done with us. The reconciliation talk was for his family. The “I had to flee” was a cover.
We had both seen an older therapist for years who told me after my husband left that people who run away to reinvent themselves in their sixties should be left to their own devices. The probability of change is low, and if they feel the need to start over that late in life, a lot is broken. The next relationship and/or the one after that won’t be good either.
Of course the next relationships will tank. They are all steeped in shit, built on shitty faultlines heaped atop a foundation of more shit tended by shovelers of shit. What could possibly go wrong?
I am DONE
Well I’m hoping for this…. That my ex’ reinvention of himself is a disaster, that he sinks the boat he stole from me, and that his health continues to decline and he blows up the business I helped him build for 35 yrs. Or better yet goes down with “our dream” ship.
I got a perfunctory “I’m sorry I had an affair with xFW” along with some sort of blather about me calling in her debt at some point in the future from his primary shmoopie. My only response was a private eyeroll. She certainly wasn’t sorry while she was “going to conferences” around the world with him and staying in bed with him all day instead of going to the sessions her company paid for her to attend. She was only sorry I found out.
And as far as a “debt”?? WTH?
At any rate, not my problem.
I got similar, after OW left FW (for abusing her – surprise, surprise). It was along the lines of “I know you must have been confused and hurt sometimes. If so, I apologize. I was operating under false pretenses.” She knew he was married, so I’m not sure what she didn’t understand about the situation. I suppose she was referring to the fact that he blamed me for his misery. Like in your case, she was only sorry once it happened to HER. Had the relationship continued, she would never have been “sorry”. I suppose she was trying to save face, or salve her conscience. Not my responsibility. I never responded to her. She also offered to be a witness against him in my divorce. When I spoke about my abuse (in the divorce paperwork) she called me a liar and said I was just jealous and bitter. Now she goes around on social media talking about how domestic violence doesn’t look like you might expect and we should BELIEVE WOMEN. Bitch didn’t believe ME.
More and more I don’t think her letter was for me. It was her trying to absolve herself of responsibility and convince herself she was a nice person as opposed to the consummate liar and cheat who knew she was playing suckey-face with a married man. Sad.
A window into the tiny little disordered mind of a secret double life participant. As Katie Pig said, a rapist.
I imagine as I write this, Karin Cain, Schmoopie of the Noble and Virtuous James Craig DDS, is saying something similar in an interview to detectives.
I keep in mind that telling off a Schmoopie is catnip to them. It’s also an indicator to them that your partner, who is broken, is a valuable Cracker Jack prize.
I have to admit, my marriage was a MIRAGE, and without the reveal of the secret sexual double life, I would have continued to think Traitor Ex was a good guy. Schmoopie is proof he is not. And proof that she herself is not a good person. And of course they like to think they are, but calling a horse a zebra does. not make it so. Prisons are filled with perps claiming innocence.
I told Traitor Ex that I wanted to be married and have a family, and if he did not want that with me I had to go. He asked me to marry him, and I did. We had a baby ten years later, and he was very much a driving force on board. I asked him to his face more than once if he was having an affair. He laughingly said no. I now know he had a secret sexual double life probably the entire twenty seven years.
Anyone who thinks he is some great guy with his shit wired properly, they can have him. And they are out there.
People on Death Row for killing their intimate partners get marriage proposals all the time.
Monsters walk among us in disguise. Ultimately I am grateful when they out themselves.
Cheaters are character disordered people, and so are the people who knowingly get involved with them.
This letter is proof and reassurance that cheating is NOT about two wonderful but unhappy people who chanced to meet and “fell in love”.
The good ones are loyal to their committed partners, and don’t screw around with people in committed relationships.
Lesson: Never communicate with a Schmoopie. They will always smugly think they know more about you, your spouse & your marriage than you do.
If I’d been approached by the AP (which I thankfully wasn’t), the only thing I daydreamed about saying was to call her by the wrong name and then, “If you call me or park outside the house again, I’ll report it to your probation officer. I’m not married to him anymore so leave me and my children out of it.” Because nothing would deflate Schmoopie smugness and centrality like news that the FW in question is lying to them and cheating on them as well and their remaining rival is a deranged stalker. 😉
They told you very clearly they don’t care what you think or are interested in morality lessons when they decided to accept the invite to assist fucking you over.
They KNOW that your spouse is a cheater, which is more than we chumps knew.
My email response to “blended family counseling….
https://youtu.be/AISIHm9L0Vs
Thanks for posting the link to the video VH 😘
I watched that video, and it doesn’t seem to apply when someone spends years in an illicit affair behind your back but seemingly continues on with a satisfying marriage. I keep saying, “If he was so damn unhappy, then why didn’t he just divorce and leave?!” It was total cake. He loved the illicitness of having me, a family, and a side piece. I think in my case, the FW really is a sociopath.
… and just last week my XW asked me to go to “blended family counseling” with her and her schmoopie-now-husband.
By “asked”, of course I mean demanded that I go to the person of her choosing, at days and times of her choosing, and that AP absolutely must be present and part of the discussion; then accused me of fomenting hostility and shutting down communication when I said those conditions were not acceptable to me. The weird thing is that she is the person who wants this to counseling to happen, yet she is the one imposing conditions that she knows are nonstarters for me, and then instead of trying to convince me to make concessions she just insults me. It’s bizarrely self-defeating.
Well, that’s a new one. I am familiar with divorced parents being asked to do some counseling (often separate, not together) to help kids navigate the divorce, but I’ve never heard of the horrific set up your XW wants. Any responsible counselor would know that the person in your shoes would feel entrapped and ganged-up on by this 2-against-1 model of counseling. Keep those boundaries strong!
Yes. The condescension drips from this one. She’s perhaps a bit more articulate than the usual, but just as entitled.
“I have never been cheated on nor have I cheated.”
So does this somehow give her the moral high ground when having sex with a married man?
The UBT wrote, “Fucking other women’s husbands doesn’t count as cheating.” I’ve heard that too. Is there a simple word, like cheating, that’s a verb for what the OWs and OMs do? Other than homewrecker and mistress, I’m drawing a blank, maybe from reading that ridiculous email.
It’s because she sees her situation as a case of two star crossed lovers, the poor deluded bint, a meeting of minds, a love that’s bigger than the both of them. FW told her the marriage was dead, had been for some time, wife knew about them, he was being victimised, he was only there for the kids etc. Boy, is she in for a rude awakening.
Bint? BINT?? I love this term. Been using it for years and am glad to know I’m not the Lone Ranger.
For those wondering, it’s a portmanteau: b!tch + c*nt.
No – – that is NOT what “bint” means.
“Bint” is the Arabic word for “daughter”. The way “bin” is the Arabic word for “son” or “son of”.
But, yes, people have used it in a deragatory way for years, never once thinking that they were insulting an entire people. The Brits just loved to use that word as a slam for females. (Think back to “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” and their description of the Lady in the Lake as “some moistened bint”.)
sorry for the typo. I meant to type “derogatory”.
A Brit here. It’s a word primarily used by misogynistic public and ex-public schoolboys (think Eton, Harrow, Bullingdon Club, Oxbridge types). And yes, little boys who think Monty Python is hilarious. I’ve never heard a female Brit use the word ‘bint’ to describe another woman. I have heard quite a few former public schoolboys do so. Most Brits don’t use the word and never did.
Thank you, Might Warrior.
I think that the term started being used back in the good old days of The British Empire (upon which the sun would never set), and all that went with that. It fits that it was popular with the public school boy, especially the “second son” who would need to make his mark in the colonies, and the toff-wanna-be, the “Hooray Harry”.
P.S. I have enjoyed reading your posts, and have taken heart by witnessing your journey to mighty meh-ness.
Didn’t know that. It’s Arabic for “daughter.”
Perpetrator. Offender. Other terms from law enforcement that describe someone who commits a crime.
As messed up as I was when I was just nineteen, I knew that people in committed relationships were not available, were messed up if they asked me out, and that it would be wrong to accept the invitation. It wouldn’t even be OK if someone left someone else for me, because that would mean they were a jerk, and I didn’t want a jerk.
The cream of the crop of humanity agrees.
Adultery
Oh Chump Lady, MacArthur Park? I had to put down my tablet and take a deep, deep drag on my coffee after that reference. I tingled all the way down to my toes. We may never meet face to face, but I will forever have that “cake out in the rain”.
Here here! 🌧🎂🌧
I mean hear hear!!
Holy mother of massively monstrous entitlement, Batman! The mindfuckery overfloweth in this one.
“You continue to say that I have destroyed something that was so obviously broken”, says the DARVO queen of Narnia. And I am the expert on its brokenness because your lying, cheating husband told me so!
That is really a very thorough synopsis of the delusional beliefs of all cheaters. They frantically must, at all costs, justify their actions.
There is zero hope of reasoning with liars of this caliber, they must stay addicted to their own lies.
The narrative can be so seamlessly and simply adjusted to make all their actions seem reasonable.
Can’t we understand, they are really just good ppl, trying to get by and we see them as complete predators. How terribly sad for such innocents!
Oh, the injustice we cause them! I’m sure this email will convince Irish of your integrity and good heart DARVO queen.
They are the authors of their own reality, even wanting to sell their books to the chumps who actually know the damn truth. Please buy my story!!! Please, please, pretty please!
I’m striving really hard here to sell it to you. (and my actual conscience)
But hey, this predator is truly only a little fuzzy kitten after all. Embrace that kitten! Let her sleep on your pillow!! Trust her goodness and light! Bahahahahaha!!!
Terrific job again CL, and a jug of Rolaids for our way overtaxed UBT.
Reading the operations of your mind in action is extremely high entertainment, even when the subject matter is very dark and depressing.
Darvo Queen of Narnia 😂😂😂😂 OMG 😂😂😂😂Thank You. Perfect. Yes. Darvo Queen of Narnia, Her Royal Skankiness Princess of Projection, Lady Mcliesalot, I could go on. Its an extraordinary piece of mindfuckery. And she’s the only one buying it.
I had only one communication with Fuckface. I told her that she and Fuckwit seemed like a perfect match in their demonstrated lack of character. Then I said, “someday you’ll find out who Fuckface really is when not trying to impress you, and I think you’re going to be very disappointed.”
Then I blocked her number because I really didn’t care to hear what she had to say for herself. What these people do indefensible.
What a great line and follow-up action and attitude. you are mighty.
Schmoopies live in a world of delusion and fantasy. We should not be surprised that they accept no responsibility for their actions. Your FW is the Instigator/Liar in Chief. He clearly knew you were married, and he clearly snuck around. He wanted security and cheap thrills, at the same time, no consequences. Schmoops just pinned her dreams on the wrong donkey (jackass).
This is why No Contact is such good advice. You do not have the opportunity to do or say the wrong thing. You may feel vindicated and justified, but if she can use anything you say or do to her advantage, you are paying a steep price. If he can use it to prove you are “crazy”, that can cost you as well.
Here is some free vindication for you: Ignore your belief they have feelings. They certainly ignored yours. She has traumatized babes? What about your children? No one wants to hurt children but look who actually started this housefire. You are just getting yourself and your babes out of the burning house.
She desperately wants to believe all the bad, bad things he told her you did. She wants to use anything you tell her to test him. It gives him another opportunity to lie. He can use, “No, you misunderstood,” or “I didn’t say that”, or make up a brand-new lie to make her feel better, and possibly earn more free sex.
Please don’t try to use logic or character, or values when arguing with these people. They have already shown you who they are. Believe it and move forward with your life. Leave them to pick up their own trash life pieces. You will have time to hurt, and grieve, and get therapy, and get well again AFTER you have escaped. If you read on CL’s site much you will find a lot of folks who talk about having a happy, FW-free life. I am one of them.
Me too, portia. I’m living a relaxed, quietly contented life, and I am thankful every day that my previous married chapter is over.
Schmoopie’s weirdly stilted, bureaucratic tone has shades of attempted legal intimidation but nothing says “Can’t afford a lawyer” more than trying to sound like one in a letter. If someone is truly prepared to sue, they would usually have a lawyer issue warnings. It suggests Schmoopie is ambivalent about going that route. Another thing to consider is that people who constantly try to prove their professional acumen to the point of awkwardly speaking in stick-up-the-ass officialese in inappropriate circumstances suggests long term schemes and financial insecurity. In other words, Schmoopie’s motive for banging the boss might relate to professional and financial ambition. Perhaps she has dreams of being part of a power couple and being made a business partner. If she’s selectively skunk-spraying official-sounding intimidation at the chump but not at the FW boss, she may yet have hopes that FW isn’t done with her and she can still jockey for advantage.
Either way, it seems as if Schmoopie is the type to consider eventually suing if she doesn’t get what she wants. But if this is taking place in Ireland– which has a different tort system than the US– I’m under the impression it can be pretty difficult for Schmoopie to sue. Because she had an affair with the boss, I’m not sure she’s in a good position to sue for unfair termination– at least not such a sure bet that solicitors would take her case on a “no win/no fee” agreement. Saying she’s not a victim in the letter, blaming the chump and leaving what sounds like a sexting trail on FW’s phone kind of screws her chances of saying she was coerced into having sex with her employer. But that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t try.
In any case, a legal scandal like that could tie up funds and CL gave great advice for Irish3rdTimeChump to get her claims in first before the money disappears. Again, in the case this is taking place in Ireland, I3TC might be eligible for protection under the new coercive control criminal laws in the UK. Here’s a site explaining: https://www.callantansey.ie/coercive-control-2/ It usually take time after the smoke clears for chumps to realize they’d long been frog-boiled by FWs’ coercive and controlling behavior but, in most chumps’ experiences, cheating is rarely “just cheating” and typically involves other forms of abuse to facilitate betrayal and keep victims in line. A FW facing the threat of 5 years in prison might suddenly become more cooperative.
Thank you for this 🙏
My theory on cheaters who suddenly lapse into Business Speak is that it is a desperate attempt to sound superior and intelligent and grownup when one’s behavior has proven them to be the opposite.
Little Hammer, when told that a friend’s cheater dad is suddenly fond of using big boy words, just like Traitor Ex did, said, “Ooooh! He thinks he’s Shakespeare!”
Lol, business-speak makes me think of Lumbergh from Office Space: “If you could go ahead and keep scrubbing my pee-ring from around the toilet while I bang the kids’ soccer coach, that would be greeaat.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsLUidiYm0w
Then there’s “getting granular” and “adequate tailwind.” Sound downright filthy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8woa_wSrmA
This 100% screams, “trying to convince myself more than you.” I love Other Women who try to put on the whole “strong woman caught up in a complicated relationship” act to cognitively dissonance themselves from how obviously stupid and embarrassing they know their choices are. We’ll see whether or not she still considers him a cheater and herself a victim once he moves on from her lol.
I found the putrid OW’s thoughts spot on in shining a light on the selfish, clueless, victim blaming mindset of cheaters and their fellow abusers. And I thèse to quotes…gag..
‘I paid a lot of attention to what he was all about.’ He was about cheating…..
‘Contrary to the obvious, I do not see him as a cheater’ And what I see trumps reality …..
Her entire essay was bizarre. It seemed to me that her statement that she “paid a lot of attention to what he was all about” was a not so subtle insinuation that I wasnt paying him sufficient attention. If I were only paying him more attention he wouldnt be fondling her boobies you see 🤷🤷🤷🤷 Its laughable. Yeah if she were really paying attention to what he was all about she would be clear he was ****all about**** being the kind of man feeling up cheap strange while his wife watched her father die. What a catch!
Right???!!! I was absolutely stupefied by what she wrote. You would think there would be a moment of shame. But no. And certainly no apology. But as I reflect? Sort of silly that I expected my pain be seen by someone who only sees themself.
these two quotes…
Don’t communicate with the AP, however enticing it is. “Even when it feels like a snappy rejoinder, (i.e., Don’t Fuck Other People’s Husbands) it’s coming from a place of weakness — giving fuckwits attention because they hurt you.”
And more often than thought, your seemingly well-placed zinger will end up hurting you. It almost always seems to happen that way. #boomerangeffect.
I like Mr. CL’s advice that if it feels good, don’t do it (paraphrasing).
One contact that I was tempted to make was with the AP’s husband. But I resisted. When I learned about the affair, he and she were already divorced. [Note: she started screwing my x when she was still married.] I figured that any contact with her ex would get back to the AP, which would have made the AP and FW feel oh so central. Nope. Btw, FW told me that if I contacted him, I’d have blood on my hands. That’s not why I resisted, but wow. #drama
Thank You. Yes- feeling like a dolt for giving her the satisfaction. Engaging with her was foolish and I wont be foolish again. 😭😭😭
The best piece of advice I got during the divorce actually came from my 18 year old son. He told me straight up: “This is what you do. You never acknowledge her. You never speak to her. She’s beneath you.”
I took his advice because it was spot on. I only have spoken to her once, when she was moving furniture into my marital home by herself during the divorce, and I told her to get the F*** out of my house. She texted Asshat who immediately drove over from work and then he (unbeknownst to me) videoed me yelling & screaming. BIG mistake. I should have just walked away. Needless to say, that was the last time I spoke with Asshat (2018 when divorce not quite final).
NC & grey rock are your best friends. They will never stab you in the back or get you into trouble.
Holy crap, Ginger! She was moving in while you were still there????? He’s lucky he didn’t videotape you trying to castrate him.
We were selling the house so neither one of us were supposed to live there or move furniture in or out. Technically, everything in the house belonged to me. But she continually moved in furniture from what looked like her grandma and was having a moving company bring in furniture to store in our basement when I happened to be driving by on my lunch break and saw. I made the mistake of stopping in to see what the hell was going on in a house we were trying to sell.
What was really funny was they thought they had changed the locks and locked me out of my house–I just hired a locksmith to make me a new key. So I was going in and out for months without them knowing, because my car was still keyed to the garage door opener and they only put a camera on the front door. So they were so surprised when I showed up when the realtor came to take photos for the real estate listing a few months after the above altercation. They were so mad, they came the next week with and moved out all her furniture, so the house was no longer staged and it was empty. I didn’t care. Asshat was paying all the bills and mortgage, so I was content for it to sit empty. He just constantly cuts off his nose to spite his face, all because HoWorker/Wife is a big baby when she doesn’t get her way.
Needless to say this just solidified her as someone with no boundaries (except as relates to her) and someone who “wants it all”. She’s a bitch and has Asshat by the balls or I should say she’s castrated him, constantly making poor decisions. She’s not a mother, so will not give any selfless advice when it comes to my kids, whereas, I will always come from a place of putting my children first.
I let OW’s brother and adult son know what she was up to
I have zero regrets
One time and done, but I needed to say it
Yep, I’m fine with outing these folks to other people, as long as it’s brief, non-violent and chumps carefully weigh disclosure against possible financial, custody or other divorce/split issues. No need to waste any time on the schmoops, they’re freaks who knowingly signed up for the circus.
Makes you wonder about people in general
That so many lack any moral insight into their own actions
To quote The Talented Mr. Ripley: “Well, whatever you do, however terrible, however hurtful, it all makes sense, doesn’t it, in your head? You never meet anyone who thinks they’re a bad person… Don’t you just take the past and put it in a room, in the basement, and lock the door and never go in there? That’s what I do.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFL5DhXeWaA
The perfect cinematic representation of compartmentalization.
Well, bless her heart.
Bless her bad fashion and hard worn lady bits 😂😂😂😂 Oy.
Google translation from Dixie-ese to standard English: “Rot in hell, filthy sow.”
She’s just a run of the mill whore.
Don’t worry her day will come
Stay strong 👍
Run of the mill? That is charitable. Run of the mill whoring is several rungs up the whore ladder from this piece of work. But thank you for validating that she is not worthy of any further consideration on my part.
Thx. Kathleen. She is unworthy of even a moment mote of my energy. As far as I’m concerned? She can have him.
There’s an Esther Perel puff piece in the New York Times today. Go blow raspberries.
Ugh. I read it too. Elizabeth Chambers and Armie Hammer had the art therapist as their counselor for most of their ten year marriage ! And look how that turned out ! Very disappointed to read that Terence Deal and Bessel van der Kolk are on Team Exuberant Defiance.
Exuberant defiance is a toddler or teenager acting out before a parent corrects them, in my book.
These people never grow up.
I caught allegations of workplace bullying against van der Kolk in the Boston Globe a while back during a visit with family. 🤦♀️
Irish3rdTimeChump responding here. I want to thank you CL and the UBT. Both of you must be exhausted having waded through the steaming pile of festering dung penned by Schmoopie.
And… Thank you for the bitch slap. If you only knew the whole cringey story you’d be dishing out several. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I reconciled repeatedly only to be betrayed AGAIN.
Thank you for sharing this. It made me feel- I don’t know…seen. like I matter to someone. Maybe other chumps here understand what I mean by that. FW and his AP whore-du-jour bulldozed my life with nary the tiniest thought of me or my kids. After 20 years of lies at least 2 other APs (that I know of) I was molded into a compliant little wife appliance. And I participated in that. (Insert self-administered bitch slap here)
But this time…its different. That he did this when my father was sick and dying? That on the day he died I waited for 3 hours for FW to pick me up from a training (my car was in the shop) After sobbing in the bathroom and him not returning my calls I kicked off my heels and walked home. He saw me walking on the way home, told me to get in the car. My father had just died and I was upset and hurt he blew me off. Of course he was otherwise engaged with Skankarella Sparkletits. So when I dared complain at having to walk home on the day my father succumbed to cancer? His response was “It’s not all about you Irish”
Well… how DARE my father’s untimely death interrupt you fondling your assistants tits! I mean… The NERVE of him dying and all that. And how inconsiderate of me to have an actual need on that day.
What kind of man DOES THAT? The cruelty involved is just beyond the pale.
I am DONE. And he has no idea.
He has dispatched his Ass-istant and is barfing up the please don’t leave me blah blah blah bullshit he did 3 Schmoopies ago. I’m not a great actress but I think Sir Husband Humpsalot thinks I am on board with yet another reconciliation. That’s how full of himself he is. While he thinks he has reeled me in again? I’ve an appt made with an attorney. And an accountant. I usually am in charge of meeting with our acct. to handle filing taxes. I will play the part and gather alllllllllll the financials- in order to turn into the accountant if course
I…AM…DONE.
In the meantime- As I read the UBT’s deciphering of Schmoopies babbles I’m both laughing and crying (Craughing?)
“Contrary to the obvious, I do not see him as a cheater.
I see him as a noble, virtuous man desperately in love with my super specialness. And you as the obstacle to our happiness.
I also see ghosts. And elves in the garden patch. And at certain vibrations, my fillings can intercept alien communications.”
You made me laugh through the tears. And you *****perfectly***** stated the delusional nature of this woman.
“Stop trying to shame me I am impervious to shame.”
No truer words have ever been spoken. And… It has to ve said- What kind of idiot AM I for trying to shame a woman who clearly has no shame? Obviously she is unburdened by matters of conscience. Neither is my husband.
So..again- thx for the bitch-slap. And thank you to the CN community for the support. It means the world.
Onward.
-Irish3rdTimeChump
No shame needed here Irish! Almost all of us needed to feel the sting of the 2×4 of Truth a few times before we woke up to the manipulation and lies.
He never told you what he was doing in all those years, so it’s time to return the favor. I hope you find a bulldog lawyer and get every penny you deserve and more. Life is better around the bend when you are free, never doubt it!
Thx @NotAnymore I am quite certain I don’t know the half of it. There was the cheating of course. And that wasnt the only brand of dishonesty. He actually mortgaged our home without telling me some years ago! It was a private mortgage. I only learned when I received a call from the Barristers office stating I needed to sign the mortgage as I owned the property jointly. I refused. Anyways- long sordid story. But its time for a new chapter. I am done playing marriage police. Actually had to put a title lock on our homes and a lock on my credit report. Not to protect against some random fraudster but the guy I married. Who is also a fraudster. Clearly. 💔
Look forward to hearing all about your stbx’s reaction when you serve him with divorce papers. Stay strong!
Oh. My. Goodness. Stbx said simular things in defense of his schmoopie. Granted, she said those things to him as well, and he parroted them to me.
Wow. It never ceases to amaze me how cheaters are just all the same!
“My situation is complicated. *I also work for his business through which I have health insurance. I have two illnesses and can NOT be sans insurance.” Health insurance is not a problem for anyone anymore. Especially for divorced or legally separated women. First, divorce is a qualifying event which means you can get coverage any time of the year. Second, alimony is not considered income for income tax purposes. Third, child support is not income for tax purposes. That means the only thing that counts as income is whatever you earn, if you do not earn any income because you were a stay at home mom then you may qualify for Medicaid expansion depending on if your Governor and state legislature adopted the expansion program. If your income is above $20,120 ($9.70/hour) then you qualify for income tax credits that are used to buy health insurance no matter what state you live in. Before you forgo coverage or worse buy health insurance from an agent or broker go to healthcare.gov and see if you qualify for coverage by following the links on the website. Also, don’t buy dental insurance through this website. Instead go to dental insurance company websites directly or to dental insurance.com and buy dental coverage directly from a company. I’ve helped three women get out of their private health insurance coverage that turned out to be junk catastrophic policies instead of health insurance sold to them by “friends of the family”. The coverage they received through healthcare.gov cost them nothing because their income was low and they qualified for tax credits. One was so angry she filed a complaint with the state because the agent never told her about healthcare.gov and did not disclose that prevention was not included in her policy. She went for her annual physical and blood tests and was billed thousands of dollars for a visit she thought her policy covered. So if it is health insurance that keeps you stuck know that you have options that are viable!
Thank you Stephen for this money saving advice