6 Ways to Tell a Sorry Not Sorry Apology

Today’s Fun Friday challenge is to share the most lame-ass, sorry not sorry, self-serving apology you got from your cheater.

Need inspiration? Look at the recent news cycles, an overflowing trash heap of sorry not sorry.

“Some of what is being said about me is untrue or mischaracterized, but there is enough truth in these stories to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed. I regret that my shame is now shared by the people I cherish dearly.” — Matt Lauer

Thanks for the caveats, Matt. And the whole regret that people you “cherish” (snort) share shame with you. (They shouldn’t. It’s yours to own. But yes, the most “regretted” thing here is that people think less of you. Did you get to your son’s school in time for the damage control?)

So, what does a lame-ass sorry-not-sorry look like?

1.) The apology is about how you reacted.

I’m sorry you feel that way. Was misinterpreted? Sorry! I’m sorry you lack the sophistication to defy the oppressive tyranny of monogamy.

2.) The apology is open to interpretation.

I’m sorry IF you were hurt. Hey, taking offense could go either way. Many reasonable people would not be offended by this. I’m sorry you were, but you’re just that kind of oversensitive snowflake.

3.) The apology is really a thinly veiled insult.

I’m sorry your role in this great love story was a supporting role. I suppose it’s not your fault that you couldn’t meet my emotional and physical needs the way Doreen can. Some people are born with harelips, you were just born controlling. But thank you, and thank all the Little People, for making this love affair with Doreen possible.

4.) The apology includes a false equivalency or six.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be the person you expected me to be. But we all make mistakes. Like that time you over-salted the pot roast.

5.) The apology is vague.

I’m sorry for things. All the things.

6.) The actions don’t align with the apology.

I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you! (Is texting Schmoopie 5 minutes later… perhaps simultaneously.) My job now is to begin soul-searching why I did this, as I wander the pony stables of my $10,000 a day sex ranch retreat and marvel at my conduct. (Me, me, me, me…. spa day! me.)  I’ll be fair to you. (Fights the consequences, drags shit out in court.)

So CN, tell me about your lame-ass apologies! Or write them!

TGIF!

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Chumpedincanada
Chumpedincanada
6 years ago

“No. Don’t get that look on your face. Don’t be mad. I told you the truth! You hate all my friends so I have to make new ones!”

During our 5th dday, when it was uncovered that he was still communicating with a girl he met in POF during one of our breakups. Days earlier he had held my face in his hands, stared deeply in to my eyes and told me he loved me and would sever all communication with her.

Upon the above revelation I demanded to see his phone and all their texts. He cried and pleaded with me not to do this while I asked his “why not? Something you don’t want me to see?” He denied any physical relationship and that was evident in the texts.

But what was also evident was they he used the same compliments, wording, etc IDENTICAL to what he text me when we were first dating. Word for word.

The end.

WonderNoMore
WonderNoMore
6 years ago

Oh mine wasn’t nearly as good as what I am reading in the responses here! He was very physical attribute basic with nasty compliments I thought were just a guy thing but now I realize were just repeats of what he’s probably heard in porn. So NOT loving, not sexy, not endearing, very objectifying. I never saw it, but I now realize I felt it.

NewBeginnings
NewBeginnings
6 years ago

One of the clues that my STBX was seeing someone else was that he started using emoji type texts that I knew he had to have learned from someone else – and he is not the sort to try to be romantic. So, he was using the cute things she said to him (like ‘missing you terribly’ or ‘<3' ) when he texted me! I had never in our 15+ years together heard him say stuff like that, and then suddenly when he was love bombing me he threw those in. I knew that he got those from her.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
6 years ago

My cheater ex gave me the Griffin and Sabine trilogy of books years ago. When he abandoned me he stole them from me and took them. He briefly gave them to our youngest daughter, a graphic designer, which sort of made sense since they are artfully designed books. He then stole them from our daughter and gave them to a Sparkletwat our daughters’ age. Yup, he gave my actual book set to a 25YO twat waffle, a woman half his age. Our daughters are sooooo done with his bullshit. He has no original moves and has the nerve to use my gift as a path into this woman’s pants.

Of course he says it meant nothing! Cause that is what you do with casual business acquaintances isn’t it, you send them love stories. He is a total POS.

no-way
no-way
6 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

My ex stole my boots that he gave me for my birthday (unbroken Dr martens) to his sad, gullible, little girlfriend. (had 3 of us on the go!)
I knew he had snuck back into the house and stolen them as I could tell as soon as I walked in to the bedroom that things had been moved around…. She is literally walking in my shoes and appears to be happy and ignorant enough to do so. I had immense pleasure in telling her that the gift he ‘bought her’ was actually mine from a year ago..
Oh well, waste no want not. And I don’t want to see his sorry ass every again! Perhaps she’d like my engagement ring too, my used toothbrush, photo albums going back 20 years….?

Battle-Tempered Lionheart
Battle-Tempered Lionheart
6 years ago
Reply to  no-way

Used toothbrush- made me chuckle!

ColdTurkey
ColdTurkey
6 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

Wow, I’m really triggered by this book thing. After my stroke, when I couldn’t decipher written words for years, Cheater Ex refused to read even the newspaper headlines to me. Then when I got the massively expensive phone bill (before he wised up and got the burner cell phone), he admitted that the hundreds of minutes/dollars he had spent chatting were when he was READING POETRY to a few of the women he met on some 1990s chat room.

One of the ironies of this is that he got tired of talking to all these women because they wanted to talk about themselves, and he lost interest in the conversations.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  ColdTurkey

What a freaking jerk! They cant give of themselves and we see the real person in time of need.
Yes narcs and narcs not a good match, they need nice empaths to bleed them dry and hijack their soul.
Ignored red flag for me 600$ per month, phone/internet bill. He deflected me off that trail and made sure I was to dizzy to get back on it.
Hope you are in a better place.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago

Chumped in Canada,

I am sorry that you went through multiple D-Days with your cheater/liar. I went through multiple D-Days with multiple exes, so I can relate.

One evening a few months ago. my last ex-boyfriend held my hand on a walk. Once we got back to his house, he told me that he didn’t see me in his future. (I had no warning of problems in our relationship, even though I occasionally asked how ‘we’ were doing and if there was someone else.) Approximately an hour later, when I left his house, he told me that he loved me. Next morning he told me that I ‘deserved to be with someone who was present.’ A few hours later, he told me that I could stay with him, but there would be ‘no lovey dovey.’ (UBT: If you want to be me unpaid prostitute/cook/gardener/ego stroker (until I ensure that the woman I really want to be my partner agrees to become my lover/girlfriend/wife), go ahead.) The constant drastic change by Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde made my head spin! These people are incredibly volatile.

Portia
Portia
6 years ago

They develop a script over the years, and refine it and constantly use it, because it works. They only have to remember the change of names, and they can substitute honey, baby, sweet cheeks etc etc and avoid calling “Sally” , “Mary”. We need to be careful what we believe when we hear “sweet NOTHINGS”.

I found out Ex#2, the player, (both ex’s cheated, but Ex #1 was an opportunity cheater, and Ex#2 was a professional shopper for potential cheating partners) shopped for greeting cards. When he found one he liked, he would buy as many as he needed for me and however many he had on the string at that time. He would give all of us the same card, signed with “love”. Right.

Oh the things you learn when you work on the Marriage Police Force!!!!! Happy times!

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  Portia

My X bought me Pablo Neruda’s love poems and inscribed it with “loving, appreciative” words for our 23rd wedding anniversary. Two years later, after DDays 1-10, a former AP contacted me and said that he bought her the same book of poetry at the same time. He read his favorite to her too and when she pointed out the irony that Neruda wrote that poem for his wife, x said “yeah, so?”

What an evil rat bastard. Good riddance! But….. it still was very devastating to hear.

Polly
Polly
6 years ago

It’s interesting. I was cheated on once in high school with a boyfriend of two years. It’s absolutely nothing to the level of being cheated on in a marriage, I’m not making that comparison, but it started the beginning of a pattern for him if you read below.

What is interesting is the girl he cheated on me with contacted me one day a year and a half after we broke up (like 2/ 2 and a half years into their relationship). She found a book of poetry I had written and given to him, it was a kind of scrapbook, with all of “our songs” and our inside jokes, some pictures of us etc. He had recycled all of “our songs”with her and all of our old romantic hang outs, our inside jokes, etc etc. She was so insulted that he had recycled a song to use with her, and that there was nothing emotionally original he had with her at all. Not the romantic hang outs, not the music, not the poetry. He fancied himself brilliant and super creative, a true artist in the rough. Every time he took her to dinner with his family, his parents asked him about me and what I was up to and ignored her. The poor thing was completely living in my shadow.

She threw that scrap book out and he let her, there was one picture in there that I would have liked back, but it’s pretty symbolic. We’re all interchangeable and ultimately disposable to him. I went to college, he didn’t. I moved abroad and continue to travel, he stayed in the same 50 mile radius bouncing through people’s couches and never holding down a job. He’s supported by his now wife (a different woman) and she apparently cheats on him. He doesn’t have impression management. I haven’t talked to him in six years so maybe he turned everything around and got his life together.

He’s the ultimate from the song “Hound dog” (the original version by Big Mama Thornton), he was never looking for a woman he was only looking for a home. I dodged a major bullet with that one. Never went for the tortured, troubled artsy types again. I’m glad I learned that lesson at 17.

They set these patterns early and continue to perfect them as they get older, but this is never about relationships or partnerships. They can’t see past themselves, they work on a formula: if I put enough x,y and z into the lady machine, then eventually sex/money/ a place to live will come out.

Hopeful Cynic
Hopeful Cynic
6 years ago
Reply to  Portia

My ex managed to find an AP with the same name as me. Very convenient for avoiding calling the wrong name.

I also learned that he bought us the same gifts sometimes. In different colours.

Chickynot
Chickynot
6 years ago
Reply to  Hopeful Cynic

Mine too!! At least one of the APs has the same name as me. Then he’s also awful friendly with yet ANOTHER woman with same first name. One time he actually sent an email about his travels, cc to both of us (me and latter woman, whom he swears is just a BFF). On another occasion just last year, he sent an email to me and her, asking if either of us had seen something he’d lost at the house! I went ballistic (this was before my D-day regarding Chickypoo pro-hooker, who does not conveniently carry same first name!). He of course inferred I was just paranoid/jealous. (Cheating??? — who, me?)

Portia
Portia
6 years ago
Reply to  Hopeful Cynic

That sounds like the plot line from that TV show, New Christine! Do you think it was a “lucky” coincidence, or he planned it that way???

Maybe when he gets older and has a good case of dementia going, he can forget his own name. And where anyone lives. And that he has ED.

Always something to look forward to.

ColdTurkey
ColdTurkey
6 years ago
Reply to  Portia

I’m pretty sure my ex is giving the new poopsie the same gifts that I got all those years. Why not, since it’s so easy to keep giving ColdTurkey and his daughter the SAME EXACT GIFT over and over again. Every year my daughter muttered to me, “Mom, don’t say anything…” as she thanked him for the exact same earrings (he was up to five pairs when we split, so I’m not sure if the poor kid keeps getting new pairs.

Hope his dementia holds off until the alimony payments run out. The ED, I don’t care any more.

kaycan
kaycan
6 years ago

Before DD#2, I found CheaterEx’s old journal of poetry and writings from when we were dating left out in the family room. I thought it odd, but figured maybe he was having a moment of nostalgia (not for me or our dating relationship, but perhaps for the younger, more artistic him pre-kids and adult life struggles).

Nah… he was using that old shit on OWife. “Here’s how artistic, smart, and in loooove I am with you (after knowing you all of 6 months on Facebook).” Funny thing, I though his writing was crap at the time he was writing it for me, but I didn’t have the heart to tell him!

OWife is a lucky, lucky gal… Not!

Ceri
Ceri
6 years ago
Reply to  kaycan

Hey!…me too they must have the same playbook. I recognized the “poetry” as well….Owhife loves it! I always thought it was sappy and insincere.. I guess that’s why she always “understands” him better. Clearly because I don’t speak stupid!

Chickynot
Chickynot
6 years ago
Reply to  kaycan

Mine sends some crap email the morning after, about how wonderful it is to wake up next to you and how beautiful you look in your slumber… He used that one on me AND an ex-girlfriend 30 years ago. I had to laugh when I saw it again, word for word, in an email to Chickypoo hooker last summer.

Is there some website or cheater board somewhere that maintains a reference list of stock seduction “lines” for these jokers? The whole line struck me as completely out of character (too romantic/creative) for him, even 30 years ago. But at this point I’m way past “meh” — it’s just black comedy (Settlement agreement reached this week!!! Yay!!! Chickypoo, he’s all yours!).

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago
Reply to  kaycan

Mine has one poem, some crap about where the river meets the ocean that meets the sea. When I puled him up on his unoriginslity he was quite shocked.
Pathetic, they claim to be so intelligent but cant muster up original expressions of emotion or feeling, because newsflash, they are as deep as a puddle!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady b

I wonder if my cheater will reuse the porn poem he wrote in which I had the starring role. At the time I was rather embarrassed when I read it and he was hurt when I didn’t immediately gush about how awesome it was and how special it made me feel when I received it. Maybe Schmoopie will have the desired reaction.

kaycan
kaycan
6 years ago

Wow… porn poetry is something CheaterEx would probably be very good at…

eww.

ColdTurkey
ColdTurkey
6 years ago
Reply to  kaycan

Wow, and I had almost buried the memory of my cheater ex’s weird, weird, weird “love” letters to me, filled with chicken-scratched ungrammatically-written accounts of the sex acts he wanted to perform on me. After an anonymous reviewer/collegue of one of his scholarly journal articles wrote “Cheater ex writes as if he’s not a native English speaker,” his ego was absolutely shattered, and I had to pat his back and boost his confidence before sending him off to conferences. I wonder if his new poopsie also has to decipher his illegible porn-fueled missives. Actually, since he can now text this crap instead of hand writing it, maybe it’s no longer so illegible.

God, that was horrible. Why oh why didn’t I run????

kaycan
kaycan
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady b

I love your critique of his opus! LOL.

In the dating years, he used to call me at work to read me what he’d written. It was garbage, but I thought it was sweet that he was trying (I was that twenty-something naïve girl, working in a bookstore, dreaming of becoming a poet…). Still, I’d be on the phone, at work, cringing, and then I’d have to come up with new ways of praising his “poetry.”

NotAgain
NotAgain
6 years ago

All of the above applies to the cheater in my life. In fact he even said “I’m sorry you were hurt. You deserve to hurt because of how you hurt me.”. Of course I had no idea what he was talking about and then later realized he was blame-shifting and deflecting. What he meant was he was angry at me for putting all of my non-existent energy into caring for our special needs and ill children all while I was in excruciating pain myself. Therefore I couldn’t meet his “needs”. The thought to actually help me out never crossed his mind.

Now I get “I’m sorry, we’re even now”. All because of the no contact letter I sent to ow and her husband and this apparently publicly shamed him.

The howorker actually told me she “didn’t mean for this to happen”. I’m sure she meant that to be applied to her husband and I finding out. You know because she’s not responsible for any of her own actions.

Most recently though I get “I’m sorry but I had my reasons”. I found out those reasons were me somehow which is really just the lies he keeps telling himself in his world.

I told him he’s not sorry at all for his repugnant behavior. He’s just sorry he got caught. He’s sorry he couldn’t keep having his affair continue the same way with his married howorker. He’s sorry his affair was no longer a dirty little secret.

All the communication in the world couldn’t get through to him because he was going to act on his work crush no matter what. Emotionally stunted is what I see and that’s what he should be sorry for instead.

Catty
Catty
5 years ago
Reply to  NotAgain

Wow, your story sounds exactly like mine. You see, I’m the primary caregiver of our child with special needs and he would still have this gall to blame me and my daughter for his “ordeal,” which he said had forced him to seek affair and validation from his howorker.

BTW, His howorker, according to him, gave him normalcy and excitement–i.e., after binge-drinking, they would smoke weed and find a cheap motel to have a steamy, unprotected sex. His life with me, meanwhile, was deadboring due to bills, house chores, childcare, and other “adulting” tasks.

Born Free
Born Free
6 years ago
Reply to  NotAgain

Mine claimed he cheated because he knew I couldn’t have a child with him. He claimed marrying me eliminated his “legacy”.

Yep. He’s an entitled one. His “legacy”? Like a fat book kept in an English cathedral noting all the awesome sperms realized from Assface.

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
6 years ago

ChumpedinCanada,

Just to see the words, “my 5th dday” makes me sad for you. Sorry you went back for so many trips through the wringer.

Hugs. Strength. Peace.
aeronaut

Chumpedincanada
Chumpedincanada
6 years ago
Reply to  Aeronaut

Yeah. Not my proudest moments. He is a covert narcissist and has everyone convinced he is “such. A. Nice. Guy.” The head games and manipulation were unbelievable now that I am no contact for 4 months. Before all this I would never have thought that someone who repeatedly told me they loved me, I was “the one”, his best friend, wants to marry me, would be capable of such harm and betrayal.

For 2 weeks after our 5th dday he filled my voicemail and text begging for another chance to make things right etc. Sent flowers. One week after that stopped I saw him in town holding hands with a new woman (not even the one he was texting!) and he two kids eating ice cream from an expensive ice cream store I was never allowed to go to. I was devastated.

I reached out to his ex wife and we compared stories. Everything he did to me, he did to her first. But he had us fighting my whole relationship with him (they have two boys) and portrayed her as the crazy ex. After all the breakups I started to feel sorry for her because he was making me crazy too!

Sadly our friendship ran it’s course. But we both enjoyed that it pissed him right off. And I even wrote a letter to warn the new girl but she is super chumped worse than I am and is still with him even though I told her I am being tested for stds and all the things he would promise her. They are now going on all the trips he future faked with me.

The hurt and betrayal and rage is like nothing I have ever felt. But I read a quote somewhere that said “Honey, I know what he’s capable of. Good luck. You can have him.”

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago

Chumpedincanada, if you are in Toronto and want to meet with other chumps, go to the Forum and find us.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago

An ice cream parlor you were “never allowed to go to.” Now there’s a giant red flag. No one should every be able to “allow” you to do ordinary things.

ChumpedinCanada
ChumpedinCanada
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

He didn’t allow me to take the kids because he said it was too expensive. Any time I suggested it, he guffawed, said a firm no, and told me to pick up a tub of ice cream from his work (he works at a grocery store.)

He was insanely cheap. Had me sign a co-habitation agreement when I moved in to his house. Charged me $700 / month rent – to go towards utilities and groceries. But we would go to groceries (we each had 2 kids, so 4 total), and the bill would come to $250 and at the checkout he would surprise me by telling me I could pay for it and deduct it out of my rent. I would try to explain that would leave me with $5 till next pay, and I worked out of town, I needed money for gas. He would shrug. He knew I wouldn’t freak out in the grocery store. We would fight all the way home.

He was a real asshole and there were lots and lots of signs that I chose to spackle. The above is just the tip of the iceburg.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
6 years ago

That is unbelievable and so wrong, ChumpedinCanada! I’m glad you’re rid of him and I hope you now go there often and treat yourself to lots of ice cream!!!????????????????

Chumpzilla
Chumpzilla
6 years ago

Your story is similar to mine in many ways — the multiple d-days, the fake contrition, the portrayal of his ex as needy and crazy, the lovebombing and being assured I was “the one” and that we’d be married.

Covert narcs at the absolute worst because they are so sweet and sensitive and victimized that it MUSTbe you who is the bad/wrong person.

I too was tempted to warn the new girl, but he’s already poisoned thatcwell, just like he did with me and his previous ex.

They are all cut from the same, horrible cloth.

Good on you for 4 months of NC. I am 18 NC and it gets a little easier every day.

ChumpedinCanada
ChumpedinCanada
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpzilla

Lost my dignity a little bit by warning the new GF, but I was going through STD testing at the time (from him) and was burning with rage. It didn’t help that his ex wife and I were friends and she happily kept me up to date with all the going on (they shared custody of 2 boys). It pissed me off royally that the new GF was ME when I met him. Single mom. Check. Home schools her 2 kids. Check. Only works a few days a week. Check. Happy and confident with a cool life. Check. Financially stable. Check.

I showed his ex wife the letter I sent to the new GF and she had a good laugh at it. Said it nailed him to a T. I wrote this girl the story that he would tell her on the first date. His go-to compliments. When he would text her and what it would say. How he would get out of using a condom. How he would future fake her and with what. What a shitty father he was – all the drunk driving with his kids, etc.

I heard that the new GF has banned him from drinking, but he sneaks it when she is not around. I also know that he slept with his ex -girlfriend during the first 2 weeks of dating the new GF. Whenever I get sad that he is being better for the new woman, I just remember was ChumpLady says: he didn’t get a character transplant.
The guy has emotionally and financially abused women and children his whole adult life. This girl is in for the same. But damn is she stupid.

Alexandra
Alexandra
6 years ago

I too am Canadian and went through multiple D-days.

I’m sorry.

It’s like you start to expect trauma around every corner and so many women you see around you day to day are a potential fuckbuddy to your husband. It’s horrible.

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Alexandra

Alexandra, if you are in Toronto and want to meet with other chumps, go to the Forum and find us.

Lucky
Lucky
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

Anyone near the most southern part of Ontario wanting to meet up?
I will try to get back onto the forum / but I did post my email not too long ago.
There is miles of beach here and the welcome mat is always out for fellow chumps 😉

SevenOfCups
SevenOfCups
6 years ago

“Honey, I know what he’s capable of. Good luck. You can have him.”

YES!!! I will remember that quote with a smile every time I have to see my STBX’s next victim, the 20-something “romantic interest” as he calls her to our children (the oldest of which is 24). He is also a covert malignant narcissist who has everyone convinced he is such a nice guy/outstanding human being and that we are divorcing because either (1) we wanted different things out of life or (2) I am a disrespecting wife and cheater. (His depiction of what happened in our marriage depends on the day and what legal action I have recently filed against him.) I suppose there is some truth to his statements – I didn’t want to fuck a 20-yo and have “new children” while in my late 40s, so yeah, I guess we wanted different things out of life.

I’m so sorry you have had to keep your head high while dealing with such a manipulative person and all the fake stuff you hear from others. It is awful – I know.
((((HUGS))))

Zell
Zell
6 years ago

My cheater wife texted the same exact sexual phrases she has said to me over 17 years when talking to her AP

So knife twisting horrible.

HeatDeath
HeatDeath
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

In nowdeadserialcheaterwife’s chat logs that I discovered shortly after her death, I watched her use exactly the same strategy to nab a boyfriend online [while she was pregnant with our daughter] that she used to grab me – see a relationship on the rocks, swoop in, befriend both sides, gently drive a wedge between them from both sides, and lovebomb the guy. It was bizarre to see our relationship replayed, right down to particular phrases.

Jj
Jj
6 years ago
Reply to  HeatDeath

Ditto, I knew I’d found the ow when I saw the knitted hat she was wearing. Almost exactly the same as the one he gave me in the early days. No originality.

2nd Gen Chump
2nd Gen Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

My ex plagiarized stuff from my dating profile (from when we met, not active during our marriage) to find his side pieces. Is this “I love you but I’m not IN love with you?” Or “I want someone just like you, but not you?” Or “my wife appliance is breaking, betting find another one on eBay as backup?”

At any rate, I’m so glad I made such an impression.

Zell
Zell
6 years ago
Reply to  2nd Gen Chump

Cheater wife: “He (the AP) reminded me of you (chump husband) !!!!!

newme
newme
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

Zell, I got that same comment, from the OW, she said “he likes me because we are so much alike, he chose me because I remind him of you” Sincerely can’t make this shit up…except I am not like you bitch, I never cheated on my husband….

DavidB
DavidB
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

Well…… mine did not use the same. She always refused to talk dirty or send pics etc to me. Well turns out, she was really good at all the above! Even self pleasure videos! So it appears to me that her years of saying sex was not her favorite thing was not quite true. Sex with me was not her fav thing!

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

DavidB — let’s clarify: “sex within a loving, committed relationship is not my thing” — don’t take it personally, dear chump — you are fine husband/lover material.

Chickynot
Chickynot
6 years ago
Reply to  2nd Gen Chump

My STBX and his buddies actually referred to their (trophy) second wives as “Wife 2.0”. Ugh!!

But seriously 2nd Gen, your cheater probably recognizes that you’re a smarter, much better writer than he is, so why not steal your words for himself…

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

Take comfort from the idea that her chosen phrases never meant anything when she used them with you, either… You projected your worth and your basic humanity onto them.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

Yes … exact same little code words and endearments. I believe it is strategic … not only do they lack imagination to come up with something new, but they are less likely to get caught if they use the same ones with everyone. “Of COURSE that text was meant for you … cause I called you honey boo boo like I always do!” Imagine him calling that name out in a crowded mall food court and 50 women swivel when they hear it …

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
6 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

It is tragic that my fuckwit is now using things that were meaningful to our adult daughters as his tools of sexual overture. Being groupies to unusual and specifically regional bands that our girls thought were precious Daddy/Daughter bonding things are now being trotted out with the 25YO Sparkletwat (why not, she is our daughters’ age after all).

Our daughters made it crystal clear that this was very hurtful– even last year before he poofed on me, back when he was courting a string of women at his workplace and falling into every emotional affair and flirtation he could and then coming back home to build his mental list of why I am so awful and deserving of abandonment. Our girls knew about these things before I did and they called him out on it. He just denied that it meant anything and changed the subject.

He continues to do crap like this and shoves it up our daughters’ noses because No One is the Boss of Him. He can do whatever he wants and use whatever devices he chooses to get his rocks off even if it hurts others.

I keep repeating this but it is so goddam shocking I have to keep writing it down to even come close to understanding his new depths of self-serving behavior: In other places here I have repeated how he stole a love story book trilogy he had given me years ago, gave it to our youngest daughter, then stole it from her to give to the Sparkletwat. That was the last straw and now our daughters are NC with the fuckwit.

I hope Sparkletwat is worth it, that strange and pervert-ishly young pussy is worth destroying his relationship with not only the evil wife appliance but also his girls.

I am certain the fuckwit would say, “Why, yes, yes, it is worth it. None of you are the boss of me. I will always blame the evil wife appliance for everything I have done, no matter how disgusting and self serving, or how many years go by where she has zero contact or influence on me. It is, and never will be, my fault.”

Chumpedat65
Chumpedat65
6 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

“Imagine him calling that name out in a crowded mall food court and 50 women swivel when they hear it …”
Snorting out my morning tea laughing so hard…????

David2016
David2016
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpedat65

Same here. “I am so lucky…” is how she began every card and note to me for eight years. I read her text to the OM, in which she said, “I am so lucky…”.

I confronted her and she claimed that it was referring to her being so lucky to have him as a work colleague. Pffft.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

So sorry????

Everything said to me, endearments etc we’re also repeated word for word to cheater’s new loves.

You would think that someone’s new love interest, the person replacing you, would have fresh nicknames;romantic hotspots; activities and code words. That’s never the case.

Angela
Angela
6 years ago

The tried and true “It just happened, I am sorry. I didn’t mean for it to happen.”
So, what I got from this is one is, her pants were off and so were his and he just fell in… it just happened…
????
Or another great one from my shiny turd “I am sorry, I love you, but I am not in lust with you.”
WTF…Seriously! Not even an apology! Ugh!

Thrive
Thrive
6 years ago
Reply to  Angela

We had the same husband. Mine rarely texted, answered the phone, kept his phone charged until the affair started. Then his phone was always with him, always charged, and he was texting like a fool. Yep. New behaviors are a dead give away! BTW. Since my divorce was final Monday, I have been soooo happy! My friends told me there was something about signing those papers that was liberating. It’s true! Have heart CN, light at end of tunnel and it is not fuckwit coming at you!!!! Hugs!

DunChumpin
DunChumpin
6 years ago
Reply to  Thrive

I always thought of the old Reeses commercial whenever I heard this excuse. Like she was walking down the street, bumped into a guy and was like “Hey your penis is in my vagina.”
He responds irritadedly “No! Your vagina is on my penis”

Lothos
Lothos
6 years ago

Hmm nice question

When in theropy to try and fix our marriage the therapist asked my (now x-wife) what did she do wrong in the marrage and what was she sorry about.

Her response was priceless.

She said what she did wrong in the marriage was put up with me for 13 years and cook, clean, do laundry etc…

In the same session the therapist asked her if she can remember any happy moments in our marriage.

Her response was NO

Therapist then asked, so you where never happy at the wedding?

Her response was NO

So then she asked, why did you marry someone that never made you Happy?

Her response, Because I felt sorry for him.

#########################

I am so glad she is an X and I only have to deal with her for 3 1/2 more years till my daughter graduates high school.

DunChumpin
DunChumpin
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

One, she’s a fucking twat. And I know you know she is and that intellectually you know nothing she says is relevant. It still hurts though. I’m sorry.

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

Oh gosh, that’s awful! I had forgotten about that one; upon cheater narc ex’s first or second hoovering attempt, I asked what he wished he had done differently, in our relationship. This man had cheated twice, was physically threatening several times, was a crabby, unpleasant person and super lazy about his relationships, even w/his kids.

His answer; ‘I should have been clearer about my needs’.

And that was while trying to charm me and get me back!!! Chump face-palm.

soveryshocked
soveryshocked
6 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Gold!

HappyToBeDone
HappyToBeDone
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

Ugh. Rewriting history is the worst. Mine suddenly hated our wedding vows and hated that I decorated the house for Christmas. (first I’d heard any of this and also WTF?) and said “I’m sorry I didn’t leave when I knew you couldn’t make me happy 12 YEARS AGO” Um…so why did you not just break it off then? “I was afraid”he says. Mofo please. Not afraid to sleep with everyone in town evidently. He also conveniently forgot all of the times I dragged my ass to his music crap and instead harped on, literally, the one time I didn’t go to in 11 years. Every time I would counteract his bs with FACTS he would tip his head and say, “hmmm oh yeah…BUT” and then back to fantasy-deflection-blame-land he would go.

JeepTess
JeepTess
6 years ago
Reply to  HappyToBeDone

HappyToBeDone

😀 I just love that!!! Please may I use it next time satan texts me undying love???

Ummmm…MOFO PLEASE

😀 😀 😀

Thank you!!! 🙂

WonderNoMore
WonderNoMore
6 years ago
Reply to  HappyToBeDone

I thought I would be so sad decorating for Christmas after he was gone. NOT!! These two Christmas seasons without him are better. No Mr. Ass asking when I will shut off the Christmas music so he and son can watch TV while I do the decorating. He didn’t actually ever say he hated it but the vibe was clear as day the final Christmas two years ago.

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

Ugh, Lothos. I feel your pain. Mine rewrote history with the whole We Were Incompatible. So why did you marry me?!

Actually we WERE incompatible: I’m a nice person and he’s a fucktard.

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

Lothos, that’s all a bunch of lies that your ex said. I do hope you know that on a cellular level. She’s rewriting history to justify her actions. My ex didn’t go as far back as our wedding day (but he would have if he had to!). He went back about ten years and then started rewriting history. It’s all a bunch of bs.

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Mine went back 10 years also. It is all bullshit that they all say

KathleenK
KathleenK
6 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

Yep, mine rewrote history by saying he fell out of love with me 10 years ago. He says he stayed for the children so actually he’s the hero of the story. (The story got rewritten after he begged me to tear up the divorce decree before we signed it). The story changes with each listener and at different points in time. D.E.N.I.A.L. – don’t even (k)now I am lying.

Kbchump
Kbchump
6 years ago
Reply to  KathleenK

Yeah my ex wife told me it never felt right..after 24 years…yeah ok. Like Never? It’s just bullshit they use to justify their actions.

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

Mine said he was uncomfortable the ENTIRE marriage. I said really the entire marriage? He replied, yes. Why the hell did he marry me then?

MightyAgain
MightyAgain
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

What an awful person! So glad she is an X.

NotAgain
NotAgain
6 years ago
Reply to  MightyAgain

Ditto to above. How callous of her.

Zell
Zell
6 years ago

Cheater wife: ” I’m sorry, but I’m just not strong like you. You had a difficult childhood, mine was easy- it made me weak.”

Free Vix
Free Vix
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

My ex also told me through tears that he was weak. Yet other times he applauded himself for being strong enough to “be true to himself.” He (and many cheaters like him) is master of situational truth, AKA the “truth” that has the most utility in that moment. So here’s my word salad snark version of his “sorry not sorry” statement inspired by weak cheaters everywhere.

“I’m sorry that I was weak (even though you probably made me that way). I am weak and you are strong. But you are also weak and I am also strong. We are both weak, and we are both strong. But really, there is no such thing as weak or strong, there is only truth and self. I’m sorry that you are both weak and strong, and that you are neither weak nor strong. I hope that in time you will find your way and become a vulnerably strong self-seeker who does not label strength or weakness. I’m sorry that I had to put you through this to find my strength, but I am a better person because of it.”

Bluemoon
Bluemoon
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

Lonflol! This!

Battle-Tempered Lionheart
Battle-Tempered Lionheart
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

Free vix,

There’s beauty in the grotesqueness of that, somehow. Perhaps because it sounds so familiar to me and finally, I’ve found people that agree how messed up that is?
In any case, they truly, truly believe that BS. It’s staggering.

Unknown
Unknown
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

Masterpiece!!

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

Da fuck????????

kaycan
kaycan
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

Does it give you a fit of giggles to picture him sitting down to write that circular garbage, in his undies and with a bag of cheese doodles nearby? “What to write, what to write…? I know!”

I’m a little sad that CheaterEx no longer crafts long, bullshit emails to me anymore. I used to laugh my ass off at his poor writing skills and his arrogance, picturing him stroking his chin to choose just the right (or, more accurately, wrong) word and then giving himself a smug little pat on the back when he was finished.

Unknown
Unknown
6 years ago
Reply to  kaycan

No writer’s block there, since there’s no right or wrong anyway..!

NotAgain
NotAgain
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

Wow. Sounds eerily familiar. I got that line too.

nomar
nomar
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

Yeah, my cheater ex-wife gave the similar, “You’re so strong and independent. It didn’t seem like you needed all of me.”

Wait, WHAT? I didn’t realized I only married PART of you. Like our 22-year marriage was an apartment in the building that was her wonderful ness.

Jj
Jj
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

I get the same rationalisation when it comes to parenting with ex. “You’re so capable, I’m not really needed”. Cue another long vacation with ow instead of spending time with his kids he hasn’t see in six months.

Kbchump
Kbchump
6 years ago
Reply to  Jj

Oh jeez that sounds familiar. I remember talking to my ex about her spending more time with our daughter after she moved out to be with her AP and she said “she’s really been through a lot I don’t want to disrupt her life..” meaning she didn’t want her weekends fucking her new boy toy disrupted

Unknown
Unknown
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

My cake-eater actually made “pie chart” examples early in our relationship to justify why he should keep an ex-girlfriend around. I told him I wanted all of him. He said we each had our separate “cake”. CompartiMENTALizing. I told him if there were more cakes, I wanted them all. He dropped the friendly ex-gf like a hot potato, the one who “no girlfriend will ever ask me to ditch”. He gave in so he could keep playing.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  Unknown

Cake eater needs to shut his lying pie hole !

Chickynot
Chickynot
6 years ago
Reply to  Unknown

Wait, WTF???! He kept a “throwaway” ex-girlfriend around as a strategizing ploy? Lol!! Like, “I’ll ditch this one so nobody will notice the others in my back pocket”? What a fucktard!

Unknown
Unknown
6 years ago
Reply to  Chickynot

I believe in the end it’s how it played out. I don’t that he discarded her on purpose (who knows), since that was very early in the game, but the mentality of “see what a good boy I am? I don’t do X anymore (so I can do Y behind your back)” was definitely his style.

“See? I don’t have Facebook anymore! (So I can lie about what is on there)”
“See? I don’t speak to howorker anymore! (So I can sexy up a different one!)”
“See? I go to therapy now and I’m happy! (So I can just keep hiding all my inconvenient past)”

Buying credit so he can keep believing he’s a “good person”.

CeliA
CeliA
6 years ago
Reply to  Unknown

Yikes. That is exactly what my STBX does. Sent chills over my spine. Cold-blooded, scheming reptiles, they are.

no-way
no-way
6 years ago
Reply to  CeliA

Yep, yep, yep.
Fakery over 1st one so he could hide 2nd one…

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

Wow. Quite a switcheroo there.

Instead of “Its not my fault, I had a difficult childhood,” it’s “Its not my fault, I had an easy childhood.”

#mindpretzel

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I received something similar.

“I might act like I’m strong, or unaffected by what’ occurred in the past 7 years and I think I’ve relied too much on Stoicism to mask how much I’ve been affected. My stoicism has led to an existential crisis.”

Waffles
Waffles
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

^^^^^

Pretentious fucknut. As if he’d even know what an existential crisis is. ????

Azkadelia
Azkadelia
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Ho – ho and I thought I was the only one who got this! The ultimate result of having loving parents who gave you the world and shielded you from trauma was….

you grew up into an adult who, when the going got tough, dropped his pants for the first slut who waggled her fanny and asked, “Want a piece of this, babe?”

Jeez.

Unknown
Unknown
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Really goes to prove they can rationalize *anything*.
It’s our job to react to that with a huge WTF? when we know they’re not making any sense.
I spackled over his reasoning for so long, thinking “well, if that’s how he feels…”. I was even encouraged by therapists to accept whatever explanation he gave, because “it must be true”.

/facepalms, plural

CeliA
CeliA
6 years ago
Reply to  Unknown

Now that I am NC for quite some time, looking back, untangling the skein was really stupid and such a waste of time. Delusional grandeur is one of the hallmarks of disordered people. Word salad, rationalization are such prized possessions in their toolkit for evading life’s consequences.

The thing I am most bitter about was he used my sympathy for him against me. Now that I wised up a little there is no way I am going to let anyone treat me like that again. I also read that highly skilled manipulators often use the pity card as an excuse so now I consider those behaviours as red flags.

UnchumpingMyself
UnchumpingMyself
6 years ago

“I am sorry we got to the point where you felt it was necessary to hire a lawyer.” This was after he “missed” two consecutive child support payment deadlines. And BTW all hell broke loose afterwards. The harrassment and shit storms intensified to hurricane proportions. Luckily it’s all over now, but boy, couldn’t we just be best buddies instead? Motherfucker.

Freenow
Freenow
6 years ago

Oh the word salad and imitation apologies…

-“I hurt you but then you hurt me (? No examples of how I hurt him, just his feels) so I hurt you again. It was never going to end so I’m glad you caught me”.

-Told our adult son he was sorry for my pain and he would always take care of me (image management). This in the same week I had to take him to court for temporary maintenance and I had surgery to remove large, highly aggressive cancer tumors. Seriously! You can’t make this stuff up.

-“I know this isn’t what you want but it’s what I want and I’ve never been selfish or put myself first”.

So disordered…

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  Freenow

Like 12 year olds ‘I know you are but what am I’
Morons

lady jane
lady jane
6 years ago

My apology was written by Hallmark. He couldn’t be bothered to string a sentence together so he bought a card and signed his name. Pathetic.

Kaycan
Kaycan
6 years ago
Reply to  lady jane

I’m giggling imagining a whole line of Hallmark cards for cheaters… There’s got to be big money in that!

Betrayedbitch
Betrayedbitch
6 years ago

I would like to share the apology that came from the OW that was my friend and neighbor for many years. She sent me a text that said “I’m sorry I betrayed you, it just happened but there were problems in your marriage long before I came along and you just need to get over it.” It took everything I had in me not to walk down to her house and beat her face in!

Lucky
Lucky
6 years ago
Reply to  Betrayedbitch

If that was to be made into a Hallmark Greeting card – what would the picture be?!? House on fire? Dead puppies in a basket ?

Betrayed – I don’t know how you could have kept your shit together. What a c_nt!!

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Betrayedbitch

Oh, I’m sure that’s the kind of apology Alp-Ho would give me too.

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Alp-Ho?!!! LOL! 🙂

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

I call her Alp-Ho because my ex likes cheap, dollar store grade, canned meat on crackers.

MightyAgain
MightyAgain
6 years ago
Reply to  Betrayedbitch

I had a very similar OW, who was also my “friend”.
Double betrayals are just the worst kind of Mind-Fuck.
Glad you were strong and not beat her up, they are not worth it!

UnchumpingMyself
UnchumpingMyself
6 years ago
Reply to  Betrayedbitch

Wow! Just wow! What an asshole. You are very brave, on the other hand. I bow to your strength and mightiness.

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

This one’s a softball — and appropriate today, as this would have been our 17th anniversary.

KK sent me a note 5 days after the divorce was final. It’s a masterpiece of all things “narc”, but included in it was this “apology” —

“First, I am sorry. I am sorry that we promised ‘forever’ to each other when we had no concept of what ‘forever’ meant. If there is fault in that promise, we both have that burden—how can we blame each other for what we could never have possibly understood then? We were naive, we were clueless, we were still growing when we made our vows. We did not know that we would grow apart.”

NotAgain
NotAgain
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

“We” is used after a divorce? I think not! Look at that blame-shifting onto you, that is some mental mindwarping. Glad to hear you got divorced !

Struggling
Struggling
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Omg seriously with the WE? We didn’t understand what forever meant? Just pawning that crap off on you? Wow. Just wow

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

UXworld,

So much of KK’s obfuscating can be described as, “these word thingies, they have some sort of meaning attached to them, you know, by other people, but it’s all so fuzzy, and I don’t know how people understand what other people say, or think, or even what I think, ….”

And then there’s the notion that it’s your fault (at least partially) that you, at your wedding, didn’t understand her future desire to have sex with other men and make allowances for it. Priceless.

Hugs. Strength. Peace.
aeronaut

slowtolearn
slowtolearn
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Wow, she is unbelievably self-absorbed. UX, I hope you are able to reclaim today for you.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

UXworld, change all the ‘wes’ to I and she had it right! There is no end to their centrality. My STBX simply told my children on an email…….”your mother was t happy either but she’s in denial’. No one has contact with him.

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

The “logic” of KK always leaves me speechless

nomar
nomar
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Don’t think she understands what “we” means.

wasjustanotherchump
wasjustanotherchump
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Methinks she is using the monarchial “we” like she’s Queen Victoria condescending to the help.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago

We are not amused…

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

We are spewing coffe on phone screen!
BwaHAHAHAHAHA!

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

BTW — she was 28 when we married. I was 36. Mere toddlers, incapable of understanding anything. (Gag)

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Aaaaaaaaaauggghhhhhhh!
KK is a cheater’s cheater, UX.
You, sir, are Mighty indeed.
SMDH

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Good grief, Kk is a psycho-analyst’s wet dream.
I can’t even.

RollerSkater
RollerSkater
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

“Grow apart” ????

Susan devlin
Susan devlin
6 years ago

Its what are men do!, (sorry), he said. After verbal abuse from the ow, (he said she’s always nice to me. She doesn’t want her kids (that’s why I like her). I feel they are sorry because he got caught out. He actually thinks he quite clever.

Chumpsterincharge
Chumpsterincharge
6 years ago

Ooh, ooh, here’s a good one I got: I’m sorry for the bad and hurtful ways I dealt with the pain you caused me.

No lie. I laughed out loud.

Zell
Zell
6 years ago

that should be put on a tshirt

NotAgain
NotAgain
6 years ago

Oh yes familiar here. I caused him so much pain when I asked him why he is distant. Come to find out he had decided to divorce me without me knowing at all. The pain I inflicted onto him by asking questions about his aloof and distant behavior was too much for him to bear he had to have an affair to make himself feel better. Yet it’s all my fault due to the pain I caused him.

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago

CinCharge, that’s priceless. You should have that etched on glass and hung in your TV room.

Battle-Tempered Lionheart
Battle-Tempered Lionheart
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

Yep. That’s classic. Truly classic. None of them are original, are they?

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago

Bwahahahaaa!!!! I don’t blame you!!!!

Mehny Rivers to Cross
Mehny Rivers to Cross
6 years ago

CL! You think I got an apology? Did hell freeze over?

Hahahahahaha. Good one!

Martha
Martha
6 years ago

No apology here either. He’s not sorry either for anything, because in his personality disordered mind, he hasn’t done one darn thing wrong! It’s his DNA (yes, he said this to me in the Divorce Letter) that drives his need to have many, many “healthy female friends” — AKA pathologically lie, cheat, commit adultery, strippers, porn and all the other stuff his DNA has programmed him to do. And then he brings God into the mix of all this and pretty much says God made him this way. Ugh, no. Last time I checked, God wants us to not do all these bad things. Nice try, cheater.

FarBetterOff
FarBetterOff
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

God didn’t make him a bonobo ape, he just wants to be one.

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

He does have a point that biology drives people to these kind of behaviors. Where he misses the boat is that, while animals respond to animal drives, we’re supposedly better than that. We can defer short term pleasure for long term good. Well, some of us can, anyway, those of us who have risen far enough up the evolutionary scale to put our animal desires in perspective.

Hugs. Strength. Peace.
aeronaut

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
6 years ago

One year divorced. Not only have I NEVER received an apology, I have never been told! Thirty five years married and I didn’t deserve an explanation.

Chickynot
Chickynot
6 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

I’m in your camp, NotMyFault. Mine is such a patholgical liar that he still denies the affair, despite all the evidence. (But after all, the governing principle of his life seems to be “if you just keep lying hard enough, you will eventually get away with it.” Tell that to Lance Armstrong.)

Ispyacheater
Ispyacheater
6 years ago
Reply to  Chickynot

Ex also denies the affair. But after moving in the OW the day after I moved out, I called him and yelled at him and of course kept saying you aren’t having an affair with this person, but she moves in the day after I move out??
He said, “I’m sorry what was I supposed to do? You moved out and I have to pay you child support. I need someone to help with the rent.”

NotYourPlanB
NotYourPlanB
6 years ago
Reply to  Ispyacheater

Ah yes. The ultimately shitty blameshifting of trying to blame YOU for the AP moving in. I too got that. When STBX rented a house with the ho he was all squirrelly about whether he had a roommate at all…I finally pinned him into admitting that yes, she was sharing rent costs but “I was forced into it because you won’t agree to lowering the child support payments!!” But no apologies at all…why should he apologize when he never cheated (his words)…it was just “time to move on” from the marriage.

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

NotMyFault

35 years here also NEVER apologized either. I was in denial for 2 years didn’t want to believe he was having an affair. The OW whore knew he was married but didn’t care. Of course he slandered me
lying about me & how miserable he was. When I confronted them at her house, they verbally attacked me laughing & humiliating me.

Two weeks later I served him divorce papers. He lived with the whore, traveling the world but
Karma hit him… whore died in a car accident!

He’s now living in a basement apartment alone!
Such a shame- threw away a wonderful life for what?

Narcissistic evil sociopath ????

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

I am awaiting Karma. Saw a recent picture of him and he looks like hell. Doesn’t have me to take care of him any longer!

Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

Its funny how these things do catch up with them. Mine too. My Mr Cheater with more the merrier, anyone that would play but nobody special – went from :-

Pre-Dday
1. New wife who adored him
2. Beautiful detached house
3. Two Mercedes,
4. Successful business making 5 figure profit every month
5. Contact with children from previous relationship
6. Three holidays a year.

After D-day 2.
1. Lives alone / wifey long gone
2. Rents down at heel little house with no garden
3. Lost business and works all hours virtually at minimum wage to make ends meet
4. Rides a bike as cant afford to run a car
5. Paying back child support and no contact with grown up children from previous relationship who want nothing to do with him.

For anyone wondering if what goes around really does come around, give it time and you’ll see that yes it definitely does. Some cases may take longer than others but it will happen

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

With you sister! Why would he apologize when everything is 100% my fault.

There was one text to my daughter saying he was sorry for the pain she and her siblings had to go through but I think that pain just fell out of the atmosphere kind of like rain.

And I lost count of the number of times he accused me of never apologizing. He forgets the stupid 4 page apology letter I wrote right before day. I basically apologized for waking up each morning and causing all of the misery in his life . #ultimatechumpmoments

RollerSkater
RollerSkater
6 years ago

All of the above. Nothing original. Nothing special. Just the playbook responses/sorrys.
It was all my fault anyway so why would I expect anything different?
(Heavy sarcasm there if you can’t see it because font, internet etc.)

struggling
struggling
6 years ago

Oh boy, I did get an apology email a year and a half ago that I haven’t looked at since then. It’s pretty long, but here’s a couple highlights:

“I’m sorry that I was unable to express my needs to you in a way that you could understand” referring to sex. This one pisses me off. I understood your needs just fine buddy. And I also understood that my needs didn’t matter.

“I am sorry for many, many things that I did to contribute to the ending of our marriage.” Things. Contribute. No cheater, not contribute. caused outright.

” I will not let the end of our marriage define how I think back at our life together.” Good for you. I will, because it turns out you were giant asshole the whole time

struggling
struggling
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

The most galling thing about his lenghty apology email to me was that, in spite of being long enough to include dumbass blameshifting things like “I’m sorry we didn’t have date night every week”, he didn’t apologize for, or even acknowledge, the cheating and lying about it that went on for three years.

NotAgain
NotAgain
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Struggling, I can imagine the cheater in my life writing that letter. Unbelievable!

Unknown
Unknown
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

I got a similar one: “I’m sorry I didn’t feel like I could talk to you and tried to find acceptance elsewhere.” “If I’d just talked to you none of this would have happened”. Oh really?? You mean you destroyed our life and all you had to do to avoid it was “talk”…?

How about you just responded when *I* tried to talk to you??? Asking if everything was alright, trying to discuss sex and other important issues and all I got was stonewalling?
The nerve on these people….

NotAgain
NotAgain
6 years ago
Reply to  Unknown

I feel as if I just read an excerpt from my own life. I was told he didn’t feel he could talk to me. Sounds more like he didn’t want to talk with me because he knew exactly what he was doing. The silent treatment after I asked him anything at all pertaining to him personally was unbelievable. It’s my fault for asking him anything because that pushed him away. Talking with him or even simple communication was beyond him at this point because he couldn’t see past the current moment pertaining to his “life” that I destroyed due to his free and clear decisions for his life.

Battle-Tempered Lionheart
Battle-Tempered Lionheart
6 years ago
Reply to  NotAgain

Oh the “you push me away” bullshit. I got that in spades! Unbelievable.

Waffles
Waffles
6 years ago

Yep. And I fucking beleived it. And wrote him a 6 page letter enumerating the many ways I did it & how I was going to rectify it. Such a dummy I was. ????

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  NotAgain

NotAgain, I got the same. He told people he couldn’t talk to me, although I PLEADED with him for YEARS to talk to me about his feelings. All he would ever discuss was work, sports, or kids. Nothing else. I even drug him to marriage counseling where he barely participated. However, when he announced he was leaving he said, “We went to marriage counseling but it didn’t work.” He also told me he had looked on the internet for answers to his frustrations and “tried some of those things” but they didn’t work. Ridiculously afraid of sincere communication.

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Lyn, they cannot talk about anything other than work, sports or kids. They are not in touch with who they are to talk beyond those subjects.

JeepTess
JeepTess
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

Oh boy…just reading all this is triggering…satan exactly…almost all of these…

Read this earlier…good read…explains a whole bunch…not that all of us didn’t already know these things…but…for struggling newbies … wish I’d read it like, I don’t know…when I was a young 20 something…yes!

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-28176/the-8-types-of-narcissists-how-to-spot-each-one.html?utm_term=pos-10&utm_source=mbg&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=171202

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  JeepTess

Is it possible that they possess several of these different types? Because I recognize, Cheater, Selfish Jerk, Control Freak, and the Victim in my STBX. He is currently playing the victim card. He left his wife with cancer and HE is the victim. He just couldn’t take my behavior anymore. You know all that asking for help with chores because I was tired from cancer treatment.

JeepTess
JeepTess
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

(((((((Cancer Chump)))))))

I hope you are feeling better! …evil bastard…he doesn’t deserve to have even stood in your presence, let alone participated in your life! …unbelievable…these disordered inhuman creatures are just unbelievable!

Yes, satan is also a blend of most of these. From what I’ve learned cluster b’s come in lots of flavors…and they get worse with age. satan sure did.

Many bear hugs to you Cancer Chump 🙂 You are mighty! I hope you have a delightful and peaceful Christmas and get lots and lots of IRL hugs!

ColdTurkey
ColdTurkey
6 years ago
Reply to  JeepTess

JeepTess, thanks so, so much for posting this link. Invaluable!

JeepTess
JeepTess
6 years ago
Reply to  ColdTurkey

Hi ColdTurkey 🙂

I’m glad that it helped you too! 🙂 But I’m sorry it applied also.

Knowledge is power. Better to know what we are dealing with I think…better to come armed to the battle 🙂

Wishing you and all of CN Merry Christmas!!! 🙂

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  NotAgain

He said “we don’t communicate”. That’s because he wouldn’t talk to me. He pushed me away, acted like he didn’t want me around and when that caused me to retreat, he blamed me for not giving him enough attention.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
6 years ago
Reply to  NotAgain

Yup, I got told I was the problem. He ignored me every single day and I was the problem. He is a child. Passive aggressive and childish, he will do that with every other woman too though, that is some consolation I guess.

Sugarglider
Sugarglider
6 years ago

Ummm…. apology …. nope no such thing. everything was my fault. I am to blame and he has “nothing to apologise for”.

Laughing Gator
Laughing Gator
6 years ago
Reply to  Sugarglider

Ditto not only did I never get any kind of an apology rather everything was MY fault !! Even though she cheated, filed for divorce, had OM move in right after filing with our 3 kids, etc I am to blame.

I swear I would rather have gotten a half assed apology than the gaslighting and blameshifting everything onto me.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago
Reply to  Sugarglider

Ha! I was about to post almost the same thing!
They apologize???? Who does?? Not my ex unless you count the “OMG, I said I was sorry”( you have to imagine the eye roll and annoyed tone.)

NotAgain
NotAgain
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Yes I get, “I won’t apologize again because it will lose meaning. In fact I don’t think apologies mean anything.”

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  NotAgain

This is true, sorry to him was the one word, nothing about not doing it again or making ammends, just that one word and a bit of dribble.
Never been big on sorries as I try and live a life in which I dont need to be sorry for hurting someone or being inconsiderate.

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

PaintWidow, those were the ones I got as well. I would try to reason with him forever, about why the things he did were so hurtful, and finally I’d ask incredulously Well Aren’t You Even Sorry?!

The answer, yelled at me: I’m SORRY! Okay?! I’m SORRY!

Ummmmm sure you are. And then I would get reminded later that he had apologized, so why wasn’t I over it already.

Sorry is as sorry does — that’s what my grandmother used to say, and it mirrors CL’s message: believe their ACTIONS over their WORDS and trust that they suck.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

OHN,
Sister, I’m with you! I taught my children “‘Sorry’ is a description, NOT an apology.”
Here’s an apology:
Tell me what you DID ,
that it was WRONG,
that you REGRET hurting me,
what you are going to DO to make it RIGHT,
that it won’t happen AGAIN.

And even with all that, acceptance of the apology and forgiveness are still OPTIONAL – not guaranteed or expected.

Battle-Tempered Lionheart
Battle-Tempered Lionheart
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpDiva

Yes! “Sorry is as sorry does.”
He’d give half-hearted, hollow apologies, then insisted he said sorry, what more do I want!?

For a while I was stuck on having to explain not feeling he was sorry. But that’s a slippery concept. “What do I have to do to show I’m sorry? I already said it!”

I was tempted to quote my three year olds’ favorite TV show, wherein they make up little songs to teach kids social skills: “Saying I’m sorry, is the first step, then How can I help?”

Come to think of it, he could use most of the lessons they teach to toddlers in this show.

Scary but true.

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

OHN,

Your ex must be a fan of the John Candy movie, “Uncle Buck”……Cheaterpants is
(The scene with the teen boy in trunk, then John Candy driving golf balls at him)

Many of us received this type of non-apology “apology”……….{{{BARF}}}

Love to ALL of ChumpNation! We have ALL been ForgingOn! in the most spectacular ways!!

trusting123
trusting123
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Me too, @sugarglider and @paintwidow!

“I’ve already apologized.” Pretty sure I’d remember that.

I am to blame for “having opinions” he didn’t agree with that he didn’t feel he could speak up about without upsetting me (but the OW would listen, and she wouldn’t get angry!) and also I didn’t get mad about things sometimes that he thought I should. Yes, these statements contradict each other, and no, he could not give examples.

Battle-Tempered Lionheart
Battle-Tempered Lionheart
6 years ago
Reply to  trusting123

I am to blame for “not letting him have opinions” or “not letting him disagree with me”.
Funny, if I had that much mind control over him, why would I use it to make him be an asshole?

Unknown
Unknown
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

..Obviously followed by “I can’t undo the past, so what more could I do?”
I don’t know, be a decent human being with morals of truth and justice and humility, instead of an abusive prick??

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
6 years ago

he blindsided me by running of with ow while I was at work. He left his phone behind so he couldn’t be tracked. I retrieved deleted texts to find out wtf was going on. When they resurfaced I got…. I’m sorry you felt the need to read other people’s texts and invade our privacy.

sugarglider
sugarglider
6 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

Oh eerrgghh how dreadful. Geez like. ?…where did they get the idea that this behaviour is ok?

Unknown
Unknown
6 years ago
Reply to  sugarglider

yeah, this topic is making me rage like no other!
Really makes my blood boil…I guess it’s because I offered so many chances to redeem himself and he kept spouting crappy variations of “meaningless, useless apology”.
I think that’s what it comes down to: how you repair (or not!) the error of your ways is even more crucial than the misbehavior itself. Because that’s actually directed at us, they have a chance (or a hundred, as chumps) to show they care and all of these answers is what we get..???
No, no, no, utterly unacceptable. There’s no excuse for a lack of conscience.

Chumpedincanada
Chumpedincanada
6 years ago
Reply to  Unknown

I agree. Many chances given. So many choices they could have made differently. I remember crying to my mom asking her what more could I have done. She calls him “the f*cker” and says I did more than most.

It just kills me that he’s turned it all around in to me “running out on him.” And he was hurt too but decided it was time to move on and be with someone who “wouldn’t run out when the chips were down.” I literally gashed my teeth in fury when I saw him write that.

The chips were down because of HIM and his shitty life choices that I tried to spackle and fix. It was always HIM.!!!!!

Laughing Gator
Laughing Gator
6 years ago

Remember that Narcs are never ever responsible for anything !!
If you asked my Ex (who cheated, left me for OM, stole thousands from me, etc) she would swear on a bible that everything was my fault and go on a 15 minute diatribe of what a SOB I am. If you brought up anything she did she will get furious and stomp off (I’ve heard from some of my former relatives in her family that that has happened to them).

Ehh, be glad you are away from the crazy.

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
6 years ago

Ever-so-slight topic digression:

An apology, spoken or written, is meaningless if it is not followed through with apologetic actions and behaviours.

#thingsIhavelearnt

NotAgain
NotAgain
6 years ago

Ooh! Off The Crazy Train, maybe that’s what my cheater meant. That apologies don’t mean anything to him because he never rectifies his wrongdoings. He just says “it is what it is”. ????

Unknown
Unknown
6 years ago

Seconded! I got sorry for a while (couple years, actually), but other types of shitty behaviors still followed. Character is everything, they can speak the words, doesn’t mean they mean the same to you.

Ivy_Tech
Ivy_Tech
6 years ago

In a letter from my ex-fiancé after informing me she was pregnant and it wasn’t mine: I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you, but you just weren’t there for me when I needed you. (I was 1000 miles away in the Service at the time).

Laughing Gator
Laughing Gator
6 years ago
Reply to  Ivy_Tech

That sucks Ivy_Tech but I will give her a bitch cookie for being honest with you and not marrying you and making you think that the baby was yours (which has happened to ALOT of guys).

Ivy_Tech
Ivy_Tech
6 years ago
Reply to  Laughing Gator

Oh, don’t I know it! I would have been doing clandestine DNA checks to find out because, frankly, I never did trust her completely. Should have dumped her months before and had my picker overhauled, but I was young and stupid. Karma is sweet, though, I have a faithful, lovely wife now and she is divorced (several times) and living alone. Too bad, it could have been so much different for her if only she had a little character and a sense of honor.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Ivy_Tech

Thank you for your service, Ivy_Tech! I’m happy that you got rid of the skank. She certainly did you a service by leaving your life while you still have LOTS of life left. Now take your time finding a woman who’s worthwhile. No more skanks!

Struggling
Struggling
6 years ago
Reply to  Ivy_Tech

Oh my freaking god I’m so sorry that’s horrible. You deserve so much better

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  Ivy_Tech

Thank you for your service, Ivy_Tech. What a horrible woman she is.

50 Chump
50 Chump
6 years ago

This is the one year anniversary to my Dday with my wife. Unlike most of you, I have never received a apology. Nope, all I ever got was “I’ve done nothing wrong.”
Filed a month ago, her strategy is to do nothing, no lawyer, no response to divorce papers, just living like nothing is happenin. Very bizarre.

Have a great weekend,
Happy anniversary to me lol

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  50 Chump

It will be okay, 50 Chump. And someday you will realize she did you a favor. I’m almost 3 years post divorce after 30 years of marriage. I can assure you, I’m so, so happy I’m not dealing with the mind games anymore. It’s very peaceful in my house. It’s quiet. It’s a bit lonely. But I’d much rather have this peace than the mind-fuckery I’ve dealt with for years. Take a breather and find out who you are. I bet you’re a pretty neat guy. Believe in yourself.

twiceachump
twiceachump
6 years ago
Reply to  50 Chump

The limbo is killer and they think they can keep one foot in the marriage for a possible return incase the running off into the sunset doesn’t work out for them with their fuckbuddy. The no decision IS a decision. This just leaves you the one who has to act on it solo.

13 Years a Chump
13 Years a Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

Ugh. My first husband did this to me. Abandoned me, but kept me hanging on. When a woman called (about 8 months into this limbo) to let me know he was living with her and to leave him alone, I finally took it upon myself to divorce him. We had no kids and no property, but he claimed he didn’t have enough money to file for divorce. It cost me like $50 for a do-it-yourself uncontested divorce.
And I only recently figured out that BOTH of my husbands were narcs. And probably my long-term high school boyfriend too. My picker needs fixing for sure!

Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago

13 years so sorry for what you went through. Is it just me or does anyone else feel that as fantastic support it is to read everyone’s story at CN, its also really frightening to realise how commonplace these experiences are. Its shocking just how many people there are out there with zero morals, loyalty or integrity. Don’t think I’ll ever trust anybody EVER again.

slowtolearn
slowtolearn
6 years ago
Reply to  50 Chump

I hope you are able to reclaim this “anniversary” day and focus on your new journey towards gaining a life without a cheating narcissistic 🙂

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago

Oh, I got the standard “I’m sorry you got hurt.”
It was such a laughable apology because I had read about it here (exact word for word) before I ever heard the words.
I just gave him the “really?” Look and tried hard to stifle the laughter, which made him mean.

Thank goodness I found this website before confronting Narkles the Clown! May everyone who has ever contributed to this site find shining happiness in their lifetime.

Intothelight
Intothelight
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

I wish that I had come to CL and CN too before “the apology” which was just “I’m sorry.” And nothing more. I sat dumbfounded, just paralyzed by pain (and also thinking – this is it? He doesn’t even look sad, he honest to God just looks like he is checking a box that he felt needed to be checked, like he is running through his to-do list and his mind is already on the next to-do). After having read CL and CN, my response would now be, “Please tell me specifically what you are sorry for” and watch the squirming begin. Maybe at some point I will get a do-over, but that would have been validating.

Chumpychipcookie
Chumpychipcookie
6 years ago

I wish I could want to be with you and help you during times like this. (When you and our small children have the stomach flu. Instead I’m out the door to shmoopies unbeknownst to you.). But, I’m just not a nurturer.

NotAgain
NotAgain
6 years ago

Here too. He insisted being nurturing was more my nature than his yet he can care for his pets when they are sick with no problem. I surely must ask too much of this person who chose to marry me, have children, bought a house etc etc….

outtatime
outtatime
6 years ago

One year post Dday:

“I’m sorry that I have to password protect all my electronics now, because you still don’t trust me.”

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago

Rage Satan: (evil voice) “I’m sorry you are so f@cking stupid and insecure. You think you know what I’ve done, but you have no clue. You know nothing! Get it thru your thick skull I didn’t do anything with those women. Sexy wives keep their husbands attention you’d think you’d have figured that out by now. You should apologize to me for making me do this to you!”
Pity-party Satan: “I’m not a bad person! I have a heart of gold!! Why are you punishing me?? You hurt me so terribly. I’m sorry but I am just wild, that’s all! You don’t understand meeeee”
Charming Satan: “I’m not going to make any excuses for me behavior. I was wrong. I didn’t think you would find out. I never wanted to hurt you. Now look what you did. You go snooping around again and look what happens. I do love you. I was just bored. I miss you.”
????✋

twiceachump
twiceachump
6 years ago

Oh my! That’s some scary shit. I’m so glad you know the 3 channels and can clearly identify them!! You are on the path to meh!!!

Unknown
Unknown
6 years ago

OMG that makes me feel murderous!!!!

MightyAgain
MightyAgain
6 years ago

Wow!! Just total Psycho!

MightyChris
MightyChris
6 years ago

What an utter sociopath. Run a mile. Then run another.

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago
Reply to  MightyChris

In their shoes. Because then you are a mile away — and you have their shoes.

This is what always runs through my mind when people (including the ex fucktard) try to “helpfully” remind me that I need to walk a mile in his shoes before I judge him. Poor sad sausage, because adulting is haaaaaaard.

Lost 220# Deadweight
Lost 220# Deadweight
6 years ago

I’m sorry that she was there for me when you weren’t. And due to that unfortunate set of circumstances, that’s how we ended up where we are. I’m sorry
UBT: I’m horny and need to be noticed and taken care of. While you were taking care of our daughter with special needs, I decided I had special needs too. Luckily my co-worker offered her services of sex and blow jobs in the shower. We even talked about molding my penis into a vibrator (great Christmas gift for the AP). So I’m going to do as I’ve always done and put myself first. And please don’t get an attorney, I plan to fuck you over financially. Happy Anniversary

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago

Mine gave MOW a vibrator for Christmas last year. The same model he gave me a few years ago.
Not an original thought…in either head.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago

Yeah, those pesky responsibilities like a special needs child!!!
DD is Autistic, and exh2/The Evil One abandoned not only me, but her as well to make himself a new “normal” family with OWhore and her two kids — their dad abandoned them and OWhore for HIS OWhore, so the magnanimous Evil One out on his super hero cape and became their hero.
Gag. Hurl.

Battle-Tempered Lionheart
Battle-Tempered Lionheart
6 years ago

Oh, I am so sorry. Parents of special needs kids and the kids themselves are in such a vulnerable position already. Then to have your spouse reject you both and start a new family? That kind of betrayal is unimaginable.

DunChumpin
DunChumpin
6 years ago

My favs are the apologies she worked on with others before hand. Like a literary expert that can tell you what Shakespeare wrote or plagiarized, I can identify what was her voice or the voice of one of her “men”. The “I’m sorry I didn’t choose you” type of apology is therefore my fav. Even less self aware, and more idiotic than usual, these apologies made me grateful that these men had been providing her legal advice the entire time as well.

outtatime
outtatime
6 years ago

Whatringofhellisthis
This must be in the handbook.
“I was bored.”
Huh?????

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago
Reply to  outtatime

Yeah lol it’s definitely in the handbook. Funny thing is that he texted, emailed, and called me every minute for the last 8 years. Absolutely exhausting. So how he was ever neglected or bored I’ll never know. What I think is that They really are black empty holes and no amount of attention/stimulation ever makes them feel at peace. For years of our marriage he texted me and 1-3 other women every single day all day from 530am to 530pm at work. I don’t think I’ve said I was “bored” since I was 12 years old. Children get bored. I’d like to give him a board right across his face ????????

Chumpedincanada
Chumpedincanada
6 years ago

Me, too. Text every hour on the hour. What am I doing? Who am I doing it with? I’m coming home for lunch can you make me a grilled cheese? Did you let the dog out? Can you put my beer in the fridge? Etc etc.

When I moved out and went no contact the first time I was like a trained dog. I would be doing someone and then look up at the clock at exactly the time he would have text me. Sometimes it still happens and it makes me sad that I lived like that.

Whatringofhellisthis