‘Bagged Salad’ and Other Excuses

word salad

You drove ’em to it.

That’s the blameshifting of the RIC and cheaters themselves. Your superpowers of suckitude could launch a thousand ships or create Adult Friend Finder accounts. You! You did that!

So, Today’s Friday Challenge, by popular demand, is to share all the “bagged salad” reasons given.

FourLeaf shared the genesis story of bagged salad earlier this week:

Those “we had problems” red herrings that cheaters throw out there in order to justify their adultery is maddening, I know.

Take heart that it’s all BS; it’s all empty, hot air. They will say anything in order to justify their affairs and if they’ll fill in the blank with *anything* then their reasons are always empty–always BS.

I was a member of another left behind spouses group in the 2000s and my favourite in-joke of ours (on the subject of asinine reasons the FW gives for cheating) was bagged salad. We were encouraged to list and share all the stupid, stoooooopid things the cheater said in order to justify things and we got the usual suspects:

– You’re not the nice girl I once knew.
– We’ve just drifted apart.
– You love the kids more than me.
– I don’t like that you became a stay at home mom.
– I don’t like that you didn’t want to become a stay at home mom.
– You stopped wearing short skirts.
– You started wearing short skirts.

Etc etc etc etc. When we piled all these “You did [this] therefore who could blame me for cheating?” reasons all together on the table we saw how stupid they all were. How empty. How nonsensical. How much these empty, blame-shifting excuses didn’t matter.

But our favourite one–well, my favourite one!– was this one (I’m paraphrasing):

– He told me he was leaving me because I always served bagged salad at supper instead of fresh salad.

Everyone agreed that if she had been a green goddess who harvested fresh salad everyday and served it straight from the garden then he would have said “I’m leaving because I prefer bagged salad” instead. It helped us to finally realize that it didn’t matter what we did at all, what we wore, if we lost weight or didn’t, if we worked or didn’t, if we served bagged salad or fresh salad. None of it mattered.

The bagged salad excuse was the icing on the cake for us for awhile before, like most fads, it disappeared. But I liked it because it made me chuckle in some very dark times. We’d say, “So, what was the bagged salad excuse your cheater gave you?”

Thanks FourLeaf for this new glossary term — Bagged Salad: The offense by which you compelled someone to cheat.

Confess your crimes, CN.

TGIF!

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WiserNow
WiserNow
2 years ago

I didn’t know about his alcoholism. That he was hiding.

Nina
Nina
2 years ago
Reply to  WiserNow

Mine told me his co worker friend (20 years younger) only sent photos of her vagina to cheer him up while we were having a rough patch.

Since then I offer all my sad friends a photo of my vagina. No one has yet said yes.

Done Like Dinner
Done Like Dinner
2 years ago
Reply to  Nina

BWAHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHH

Mary
Mary
2 years ago
Reply to  Nina

Ok this made me roar. Free photos of my vagina to all friends who are sad! You’ve got a great sense of humour.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  Nina

No one taking you up on a ???? shot ? Really ? Big surprise there. No sane person would take and send a picture of their genitals to another person, especially these days with the ability to hack another’s phone or a security breach of social media.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  Nina

ROTFLMAO

Rhiannon
Rhiannon
2 years ago
Reply to  WiserNow

We were separated so it wasn’t cheating. Ok then why did you tell me in the hospital you cheated on me. I had an emotional mental breakdown not a psychotic one.

Beth
Beth
2 years ago
Reply to  Rhiannon

It’s the Ross and Rachel from Friends excuse: “We were on a BREAK!” [insert eye roll].

Soccermom
Soccermom
2 years ago

I’m a few years out from DDay and the reasons below were his justification for ILYBINILWY and I haven’t been happy for a long time. I laugh every time I think of them! These four tidbits were presented to me in the following order. I kicked him out the next day, separated all of our finances and found out about his affair three weeks later. Filed for cause, named her in the pleading and stayed the course until my divorce was finalized.
1. You watch Rachel Maddow and I hate her show
2. You don’t stop what you do when I come home and greet me at the door to welcome me
3. You are asleep when I come home late from my meetings at midnight.
4. You are to stressed from the impending organizational restructuring at your company.

I still remember thinking at the time, what in the hell are you talking about. I am a firm believer in you can’t fix crazy or stupid. He is both with a large sprinkling of man-child thrown in. My Tuesday is right around the corner and it’s glorious.

Lynds76
Lynds76
1 year ago
Reply to  Soccermom

Yep had your 2 (ILYBiNILWY and I’ve not been happy) and another…we have a connection. I mean a few hours later they all changed and he didn’t mean them. She (slagbug) also rang me and told me ‘just friends’ and even offered to be my friend too (guessing not in the same way otherwise I’d be shagging her in my car) but clearly she didn’t was sad sausage to leave me or he’d realised he’d said too much when caught and his little fantasy had exploded. Anyways he was in a hotel for the night and I panicked and went to ‘stop’ them (silly chump didn’t realise they had already been shagging and didn’t need a bedroom to) and he acted like a child who had been caught telling a lie. He sulked. He barely spoke. I was going out of my mind but sad sausage sat all sorry for himself as his little side piece was probably upset I knew they were more than ‘just friends’. I’ve had every bagged salad excuse since then. Thankfully I don’t care anymore and when he now tries to excuse his bullshit it sounds pathetic not just to me but our children as everytime he does he’s damaging his relationship with them more. His problem, no longer mine.

Esla
Esla
2 years ago
Reply to  Soccermom

#2 !!!!!!
At first I was laughing when my h said that…. Guess what?he expected me to drop everything (3 kids under 4 at home at a time while I was a full time student) and greet him at a door.
It was comical…. But hey, at some point I said to myself- it’s silly and ridiculous but since it matters to him…. Whatever, I can do that
So- I was doing it.

Well, he was fucking Craigslist dates, hookers regardless of #2.

Now- I know better.
I feel good- I see everything clear and no one ever will be able to sell me a bag of salad like that.
I’ve been there, I’ve done that

I just feel sad for my young self- so confused, loving and trying….
Any good man would appreciate and feel lucky to have a good looking, smart and devoted partner.

Mine- broke my heart and sent me to a hell of self doubt and feeling worthless.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Esla

“I just feel sad for my young self- so confused, loving and trying….
Any good man would appreciate and feel lucky to have a good looking, smart and devoted partner.

Mine- broke my heart and sent me to a hell of self doubt and feeling worthless.”

I really do understand that. It was the same for me. I didn’t suspect anything for the ten years he said he was cheating. I was not perfect, but hard working, sacrificing so he could have the boat and camp sites he wanted. Hell I even learned to use a wood stove to save money, so we would have extra money for what he wanted. All along he was romancing other women and they were getting money and gifts.

I still feel a twang of pity for that young woman that sacrificed so much for so little in return. At the end he left me in a puddle of humiliation and despair. His best friend would say, good lord fw, you have your wife living like a pioneer woman. I have no doubt the friend had no idea. In fact this is the same friend (he wasn’t involved with the PD) who told him, when it hit the fan, that he was going to regret throwing away the life he and I had built. I don’t think fw believed him. I think at the time fw thought that though he would lose me, (no biggie) he wouldn’t lose his place in the community and on the PD. Quite frankly I didn’t believe it either. He did, and within a year. In fact he was busted and put back out on patrol before our D was even final.

Oh I am fine now. My now long time H has treated me to a loving marriage, the way marriage should be. I just want a magic wand to wave it over chumps who are still in the midst of the pain and make it all better.

Chumpadellic
Chumpadellic
2 years ago
Reply to  Esla

Oh Elsa, I can surely relate. I am so sorry you endured those horrors. You deserve so much better than that disgusting pig. X would come home and angrily announce I never ran to greet him in mudroom to show affectionate welcome home. I was in kitchen every time he arrived preparing his favourite meals and would greet him with kiss and hug (I tried but he would turn his body a quarter turn away!). I used to think he was kidding at how odd this behaviour was. Now I know. Was his stance against me as he fucked prostitutes, hooked up with Craig’s list randos and mistress(Es) my heart was broken too. Good riddance to the trash that took themselves out.

Elsa
Elsa
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpadellic

Chumpadellic

You know what puzzles me to this day?
He was Having a wife- not a super model, but a good looking, kind, loving , smart REAL person- yet, he would fuck any random hooker/ woman picked on Craigslist…
I’m not getting- it’s like eating left overs at the restaurant ( after 20 other men ) instead of having a nice dinner.
Well, he probably thought that he was oh, so Special that each and every one of them was just falling in love instantly ????

I’m at Meh… but my self esteem was gone for many many years….

Now- over 40, with plenty of stretch marks, wrinkles, and imperfections- I look in the mirror and smile. That’s how I look, that’s who I am- my body is not my enemy anymore ????

ClearView
ClearView
2 years ago
Reply to  Soccermom

Too crazy!! I got the opposite! “You’re always trying to greet me when I come home, I hate that!”

KatiePig
KatiePig
2 years ago
Reply to  ClearView

I got both. When I would greet him at the door he’d be annoyed and ask why I had to be all up his ass and he needed time to relax alone after work.

But when I didn’t, then I didn’t care enough and his feelings were hurt. Looking back it’s not surprising I had a breakdown and ended ups heavily medicated. There was nothing I could do right.

SolteraOtraVez
SolteraOtraVez
2 years ago
Reply to  Soccermom

After D-Day, my MIL (whom I was very close to) said “You never waited for him with a hot meal when he got home.” Oh, you mean at 3am when he stumbles in drunk? Smfh. Thank GOD I’m rid of that loser.

ShieldMaidenLagertha
ShieldMaidenLagertha
2 years ago
Reply to  Soccermom

Haaaaa! I also got the “you don’t run downstairs and greet me at the door” complaint! What am I a golden retriever?!?! Wtf…

Free_Soon
Free_Soon
2 years ago

“Haaaaa! I also got the “you don’t run downstairs and greet me at the door” complaint! What am I a golden retriever?!?! Wtf…”

HAHAHA. Yes, I also got this one. Together with “when I come to the office she smiles to me and you dont”.

Dude, you are her boss and we are 15 year long relationship…Yyyy

Brit
Brit
2 years ago
Reply to  Free_Soon

Free_Soon,

Ex told me “he no longer felt butterflies in his stomach when I walked into the room.”
We aren’t teenagers, we had been married 20 years..
I’m guessing he got butterflies when she walked into the room.

I’m also guilty of not running to greet him at the door. At first I thought he was joking. I laughed and asked, why don’t you run up to me and give me a big kiss when you come home? lol!
He didn’t reply, just gave me the look of disgust.

Chumperonni
Chumperonni
2 years ago
Reply to  Brit

Yep. Got the whole no butterflies anymore schpeel. I was like yeah I don’t have them anymore for you, we’ve been together 14 years. Anywho, can’t compete with butterflies for 24 year old. Also refuse to be with someone who would allow themself to have said butterflies for another woman.

Zip
Zip
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumperonni

Idiots- who the hell has butterflies after being together for more than a couple of years? These cheaters are seven year olds. The science is there… the chemicals that give you that ‘ Life is amazing feeling’ wear off sooner than later.
And having said that, some people marry their best friend and never even experience the butterflies. These people often have the happiest and most fulfilling long-term marriages.

Done Like Dinner
Done Like Dinner
2 years ago
Reply to  Zip

It wouldn’t have made a difference…when he came home, I would stop what I was doing and stand on the bottom step so I could give him a big hug and a smooch.

Excuses: You don’t drink enough. You don’t gamble enough.

Wait…what now?

Carol
Carol
2 years ago

I love it, lol

UpAndOut
UpAndOut
2 years ago

I got the “you’re not happy when I come home” too, plus “I can never make you happy.”
Well, having a secret sexual life just won’t make any spouse happy, will it? But let’s not recognize that. He was big into believing “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”

Brit
Brit
2 years ago
Reply to  UpAndOut

I had the same flaws, You’re not happy when I come home, I didn’t run up to greet him when he walked in the door and give him a kiss. I was never happy and he couldn’t make me happy. I didn’t know what he was talking about, I felt happy.., (Now that I”m wiser, it was projection, it was him that wasn’t happy). “He no longer felt butterflies in his stomach when I walked into the room.” there’s more but these are the few that came to mind. Once cheaters begin to cheat or consider cheating they look for excuses to justify their behavior. They become highly critical of the Chump, magnifying any perceived faults. It never occurs to the cheater that they may have faults or appreciate that the Chump isn’t cheating despite their imperfections.

Duped for years
Duped for years
2 years ago
Reply to  Brit

I got the “you were never happy…I could never make you happy…” etc….

I had no idea what he was talking about either. Was I supposed to sing and dance all day every day to show I was happy?

But then I learned about projection and realized it was he who was not happy – for years!!!

Why did he have to waste 30 years of my life, then? Why not leave me after 5 years? Why wait until I’m 50 and pretty much not wanted by any man my own age while he runs off with a 29 year old?! How can they be so incredibly insensitive?

Before that, he always said he loves me to the moon and back and I was his best friend. All the while unhappy… It’s something I can never grasp because I would never do that to another person!

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

I think they don’t run off earlier because they are still getting value from the marriage. When they have used up the value (in their mind) they bail. Be it money, time with kids, image for their position in society or to nab that promotion; if they were not still getting value they would have already bailed.

They are simply more important than their spouse so therefore we are expendable.

Free_Soon
Free_Soon
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

That!
Of course they are not so deeply unhappy. They use married chumps. When they find the new supply, less exhausted – they just switch.

Zip
Zip
2 years ago

Re projection, I got: ‘ I don’t want you to have to take care of me when we’re older’

Mitz
Mitz
2 years ago
Reply to  Brit

Cheaters must demonize the chump

It’s part of the cheater mentality

Brit
Brit
2 years ago
Reply to  Brit

“I didn’t compliment him on his biceps.”

Brit
Brit
2 years ago
Reply to  Brit

I posted a response but lost it when my computer froze.
I’ll keep this one short.

After being together 25 years, married 20 years, experiencing all life’s ups an downs, job losses, major moves across the country for his career, furloughs, having a child, living in less than desirable neighborhoods, families.
Ex tells me we have nothing in common….

Brit
Brit
2 years ago
Reply to  Brit

Now that I think about it ex is absolutely right. I have nothing in common with a liar, cheat, manipulative con artist.

Ex met someone in a hotel gym, while they were pedaling on their exercise bikes, he turned the channel to South Park, she mentioned that she liked watching South Park,
What! he likes South Park too!
South Park in common overshadows being married 20 years.

DoneDoneDone
DoneDoneDone
2 years ago
Reply to  Soccermom

Soccermom, you are a beast! (In a good way)

Megan
Megan
2 years ago

I gained weight and made him go on too many vacations (which I always paid for). Lol. And he had soooo much in common with the 19 year old he traded me in for. Sounds like he’s really enjoying his new life of chronic unemployment though.

Cake Time Is Over, Dickhead
Cake Time Is Over, Dickhead
2 years ago

I worked too hard – said to me while I was on maternity leave with our third child, and therefore not working at all.

43yrsachump
43yrsachump
2 years ago

What do you mean “not working at all”? Maternity leave with third child…

Longtime Chump
Longtime Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  43yrsachump

I was told maternity leave was a 3 month vacation. They are so clueless.

Cake Time Is Over, Dickhead
Cake Time Is Over, Dickhead
2 years ago
Reply to  43yrsachump

Ha, you are so right. Maybe I was working too hard at looking after three kids?! DICKHEAD!!

Cat lady
Cat lady
2 years ago

Okay what is with the standing at the door thing because I also got that. I was like I stay at home on a Friday night to wait on you when you come home from a business trip (he used to go every week), I get you dinner but I also am clearly not doing it right because I don’t come to the door and wag my tail?! I also work full time and study a postgrad degree part time, I don’t just sit around all day.

Lynds76
Lynds76
1 year ago
Reply to  Cat lady

It’s weird as when I was trauma bonding he made a point of having a step to kiss on when I got in from work or he came in?!? 27 years and we hadn’t done that often as yeah you guessed it we were busy, kids, tired etc. in fact he hadn’t kissed me much the last 5 years but I hadn’t noticed that until then. OW also mentioned me ignoring him after work?!? Yeah cause she didn’t see him sat in his phone, eating the food I made him and then sleeping everytime when he came home?!? I they just have to have excuses to justify cheating. Bagged salad says it all.

Brit
Brit
2 years ago
Reply to  Cat lady

I think they’ve watched too many episodes of “Leave it To Beaver.”
Did June run up t the door to greet her husband?

Which reminds me, I can’t believe I forgot this,
Ex actually, “You’re no June Cleaver.”
I paused for a moment, not knowing what to think, all I could come with was,
I never said I was, or aspired to be June Cleaver.

I’m wondering now, did he picture himself as Ward?
lol!

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Brit

That reminds me, we used to have a guy who went to our church named (fake name: Sam Smith) He was so polite and treated his wife so well, in fact he was polite to everyone, he was also very nice looking. FW used to say I (meaning himself) am just not a Sam Smith.

Anyway down the line when I started dating again, he made a snide comment to me, I can’t remember exactly what it was, and I said “yep, I got me a Sam Smith” I could tell it really pissed him off.

My daughter in law told me and my H that even up to just recently before he died, fw made it clear he really hated my H. Lol, he didn’t even know my H except the few times my H gave him a polite nod at family functions.

Beth
Beth
2 years ago
Reply to  Cat lady

I actually did the greeting at the door thing. For four. fucking. years. between DDay#1 and DDay #2. So if you were ever in any doubt that doing it might have saved your marriage, it wouldn’t as I learned the hard way. Four years. What the fuck was I thinking? Oh yeah, I was thinking I wanted to save my marriage. Well, I finally wised up when DDay#2 happened (I’m a slow learner). I kicked him out, divorced him and am living happily ever after.

Lynds76
Lynds76
1 year ago
Reply to  Beth

So sorry but glad your happy now and out. I did it for 4 months and my daughter said it made her cringe the way he made it out to make him happier

Shelly
Shelly
2 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Same! Three wasted years.

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
2 years ago
Reply to  Beth

When my FW was devaluing me I took special care to always greet him at the door. I wanted him to know that I was happy he was home and I wanted him to greet me when I came back too because it broke my heart whenever I would come back home and he’d visibly shrug or refused to get up from the couch. I wanted to show him how good it felt to have someone care when you got home.

It didn’t work and he didn’t care. Sometimes it even made him angry. Turns out when you’re hiding a girlfriend the last thing you want to see is your wife at the door with her arms stretched out when you get back home.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Did you greet him at the door wearing Saran Wrap ? ????????????

Beth
Beth
2 years ago

Hahaha, no. I did manage to spare myself that particular humiliation.

emma c
emma c
2 years ago

I’ve always wondered how Marabel Morgan could possibly practice what she preached if she was always hawking her books.

EwwwDavid
EwwwDavid
2 years ago
Reply to  Cat lady

Me too! Despite the fact that we both worked full time jobs, I was supposed to pretty-up and meet him at the door with a cheerful smile and a Tanqueray and tonic.

Alice Drake
Alice Drake
2 years ago
Reply to  Cat lady

OH ME TOO. I guess we are supposed to greet our master at the door

Zip
Zip
2 years ago
Reply to  Alice Drake

I did always greet H at door with a kiss! But I got among other things ‘ we don’t ALWAYS go to bed at the same time’

chumptimes2
chumptimes2
2 years ago
Reply to  Alice Drake

Me as well! I also told family not to call around the time he usually came home so I could give him undivided attention. BTW, he never greeted me when I came home from work , I guess because it was part time I wasn’t worth the effort?

Foolmoitwice
Foolmoitwice
2 years ago
Reply to  Alice Drake

Oh my gosh. ME TOO! What the heck is that greeting at the door BS? He also said that we hadn’t been happy for years. I told him that was his story.

As my 25 year old daughter said, “Enjoy your mid-life crisis, Dad.”

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
2 years ago
Reply to  Foolmoitwice

I love your daughter. Hug her for me

Chumpupthejam
Chumpupthejam
2 years ago
Reply to  Foolmoitwice

I got the “why don’t you drop everything and greet me at the door” too!!! He even dared to ask how come the sailors who come home from war are greeted with long kisses and torrid sex. Ummm…because you just got back from work 20 minutes away with traffic? They are bumbling idiots. All of them. It’s hysterical how they think so highly of themselves.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Foolmoitwice

I love your daughter.

Cake Time Is Over, Dickhead
Cake Time Is Over, Dickhead
2 years ago
Reply to  Foolmoitwice

So many things he said I can see were just him scrabbling around for any reason to make it my fault. But it’s still a complete mind melt when I think of just how misogynistic some of it was in hindsight, and how maybe it shows there was this insecurity and resentment festering all along. I also got told I was too independent, especially financially. I don’t even know what that means, or why it would be a bad thing!

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
2 years ago

A lot of archaic internalized gender roles come out. My XW told me that I didn’t really love her because I wasn’t jealous and suspicious when she traveled, and that our marriage was passionless because I never screamed at her.

XW grew up in Italy, which is a solid generation behind the US in terms of gender roles; on the surface, she is now a liberated modern women but deep down she lost respect for me for doing all the cooking, cleaning and childcare during our marriage. AP (now husband) is a bully and a mansplainer, and yells and throws things when angry (plus he lives 1000 miles away most of the time, so XW has to tend her own house now), so she has got her (unconscious. I’m sure) wish for a more traditional family dynamic.

Emma
Emma
2 years ago

Involuntary

You cook, clean, don’t yell and adore your wife? Oh man…. You are a horrible person to live with!!!
Joking
That’s the man I thought I was marrying..
Calm, trustworthy, honest, committed to his wife/ family.
Well, my h was cheating on me from day one with anyone willing, paying for hookers, endangering my life while pregnant.. still- was able to portrait the picture if a family man while destroying me behind the closed door.
Unfortunately for me- I knew nothing about narcs, hidden narcs, gaslighting, hooker industry etc.
I just wanted to have a lovely family- filled with trust and kindness.

I ended up with complex PTSD, broken heart and autoimmune disease.

I still believe in love and good people.
But knowing the other side- I can prepare my daughters for what’s out there. I paid the price- hopefully my kids won’t.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

I have said this before but from my experience and reading so many others, I think these fw’s are just flailing, and most of them don’t even remember what they say from one minute to the next.

When my fw wanted to come back (I shouldn’t have let him) I said, but you said you never loved me and that you cheated for ten years. He said “oh I just said that to make you hate me, I thought it would be easier for you” Quite frankly I don’t think he even remembered saying it, but he knew I wasn’t a liar, so he came up with a quick response.

Done Like Dinner
Done Like Dinner
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

It wouldn’t have made a difference…when he came home, I would stop what I was doing and stand on the bottom step so I could give him a big hug and a smooch.

Excuses: You don’t drink enough. You don’t gamble enough.

Wait…what now?

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Susie Lee, that’s *exactly* what my FW said after I took him back too! I asked, “Why did you do all those horrible things and say all those horrible things?” He said, “I really, really wanted you to hate me because that would have made this easier on both of us.”

Lynds76
Lynds76
1 year ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

I’ve had ‘I told you what you wanted to hear’
Like WTF you think I wanted to hear how you goggled how to have an affair, how you wanted to regardless of my health issues and would with anyone who came along or how you kept making profiles to find someone you knew?!
Obviously once he’s said those things I was done. Then he said and has since he only said them because everyone told him to say what I wanted to hear. What he means is he told the truth for the first time and thought that would show me he was trying so I’d forgive him and he could be a sad sausage again. I didn’t so therefore he now says he lied. Everyone knows he didn’t. He uses the who ‘I was just angry’ line too to justify his ‘tells’ when he says things in anger that are true or the true FW comes out.

Tall One
Tall One
2 years ago

I bought the salad wrong!

I didn’t use the re-usable mesh bag and instead chose the plastic option when doing the weekly shopping!

And I always purchased the broccoli wrong (too much, or too little).

I would have left me too with these horrible decisions! 😉

Funny.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Tall One

Lol.

My ex didn’t say this on his exit, but about two months before discard day, he jumped all over my ass because I ran out of salt. It was the first time in my life I ever ran out of salt, but I did indeed run out of salt. (I had been under stress for the last year due to my husband treating me like shit).

Anyway he ranted and screamed at me for what seemed like ten minutes, I am sure it was only a few, but still he ranted and raved and insulted me. Evidently the most heinous crime a wife can commit is to run out of salt. His emotional, verbal, sexual, and financial abuse/betrayal against me, pales in comparison.

Cat lady
Cat lady
2 years ago

One of the times he cheated on me he said he did it because I don’t drive a car and I don’t clean the cat litter. Let me add here that getting the cat was his idea and I am allergic to cats but after months of relentless cat-talk I gave in because “having a pet has proven to help improve sleep and I have sleeping anxiety”. He said “you can just take antihistamine (for the next 20 years or so)”.

DontFeelLikeDancin
DontFeelLikeDancin
2 years ago
Reply to  Cat lady

Why did it have to be the animal that you’re allergic to? He sounds frighteningly disordered.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
2 years ago
Reply to  Cat lady

You don’t clean the cat litter, but FW got the cat?????
Unbelievable!

Happily done
Happily done
2 years ago

You got too independent (he was deployed for 8 of 15 years)
You grew a ramrod instead of a backbone (darn)
You’re too excited about getting old (had a married kid, was looking forward to being a grandparent)
You don’t wear Tiffany anymore (he never bought me jewelry, not even a wedding ring)

Maryann
Maryann
2 years ago

I had bought too many candles and mail polish.

Maryann
Maryann
2 years ago
Reply to  Maryann

Sorry. Nail polish.

Rococo
Rococo
2 years ago
Reply to  Maryann

That’s even worse.

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago
Reply to  Rococo

Funny

Almost Monday
Almost Monday
2 years ago

He said that he had checked with “people” and other wives didn’t expect their husbands to explain where they had been or wanted to spend so much time together after thirty years together.

This was a man who was a musician and I went to less than 5% of his gigs (my choice). He had standing 2x a week dates with his car buddies. It took him four hours to buy a screw at a hardware store – everytime.

His reason for being unhappy was I didn’t appreciate him.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
2 years ago
Reply to  Almost Monday

Almost Monday I got a similar one. I was always begging my ex to set up a regular date night. He said he asked his friends and none of them did that. I reminded him that his best (and kind of only) friend took his wife out every other weekend. How did I know? Because my house cleaner at the time did their babysitting! To that he said he didn’t want to have a “high school” relationship and basically said I was a dope to want date nights. Here are the reasons he cheated on me though:
-I didn’t do a big special sexual performance on his birthdays
-I once let him tie me up because he had a fantasy. It was horrible and I felt raped. He blamed me for not liking it and it really bothered him that I didn’t like it
-I was comfortable with aging (I think that was his code for I was getting old)
-I’m too insecure about my body (happens when one is being cheated on)
-I’m too vanilla and I have a sexual preference that doesn’t lend itself for being beaten, tied up, hit with chains and cut with razor blades
– I’m a terrible communicator
-I have no moral compass
-I’m no fun and don’t like video games and Magic cards

So there you have it. He also hated the way I cooked broccoli and he preferred it raw so I had to keep aside for him. I reckon that was what finally did it.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

Yet they want to have a high school relationship with the other person. In fact they act like 17 year old boys. (speaking of the men now, because that is my experience)

My fw gave her flowers and gifts, dinners etc. Made time for dates, snuck out at night to see her. Imagine how great I would have felt if he had done a fraction of that for me. But the ow has a shiny new vagina. Well new to them anyway. My fws whore had pushed three kids through hers with three different fathers. I doubt she had that new car smell.

Of course they can’t give us a brand new sparkly dick either, but then most of us don’t expect that, we just want love and attention, and exclusive rights.

Date nights are a great thing to do. We set time aside for each other when we are dating, we should continue doing it.

Free_Soon
Free_Soon
2 years ago

I am so glad you got out! He is totally fucked up

Annette
Annette
2 years ago
Reply to  Almost Monday

My cheater claimed he felt alienated because although I had attended every single show for two of his bands (always helping with gear, cheering in the front row), I had only sporadically attended gigs for the third band.

Also, I fell asleep at night before him.

At the time, I was working 8-5, 5 days a week, and he had a record store job he could roll into at 11 AM, part-time. But fuck that! I really shoulda been up until 1 AM every night, at a show, or at home with him.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago

I have been around a while and read the “bagged salad” post on real time.

I was, for a long time, a very compliant wife. I pretzeled myself long before D day. When I got the “Im leaving you because you are a bad wife (but there is no one else)” speech, I kept pressing for reasons…I kept asking “why?” and since there was no good why, I kept getting stupid answers.

So Cheater told me in response to my “why” that I had been “defiant” at every turn. I lived in the city he chose in the house he chose…drove the car he chose and went to the Church he chose so “defiance?” where?

“When you do laundry, you use bleach.”

Well, yes, we had 2 grade school aged boys who played in dirt and soiled their underwear and socks like kids do. When they had mud on their socks and poop smears on their underwear, I used bleach in the load of white laundry.

Please dont be shocked at my impertinence.

It gets worse.

He moved us from a town and house where we were all happy and had plenty of room. Something in his career had gone badly (maybe fucking his coworkers) and he had to uproot us. The new place had expensive houses and gone was my nice laundry room and instead I did laundry in a niche between the kitchen and garage.

When I first saw the house (he had already bought it, I didnt have a vote) I noticed this challenge and I reminded myself that he did not like clutter and I would have to be very efficient with laundry and not let piles sit around and bother him (notice the compliance here?).

One a day I was doing laundry (but had nary an errant sock on the floor) he found (gasp) an empty laundry basket in the laundry area. He stormed into the kitchen, verbally raged then drop kicked the basket across the house.

Unusually, I gave him a deadpan response (I should have thrown his ass out) “when you go to your ‘Husbands of Bitches’ meeting, I dont think they will be impressed with this story”.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

What a great response. My basket was hurled because it was empty and waiting by the dryer for the cycle to finish so I could haul it all upstairs to sort. There was plenty of room for him to walk past it but he decided to be an ass and have a conniption because it was “in (his) way.” Klootzak threw the basket so har, he broke the handle. Wish I had thought of a comeback like yours!

Done Like Dinner
Done Like Dinner
2 years ago

Klootzak! You must be Dutch! Hahahah…also…I call FW Mr. Wonderful as well…and the lovely registered clinical counselor he left with is the Cunt Canoe.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Another fav of mine is that he told me (at the start of a litany of my faults) that I was “too holy” and at the end of the list, I was “too sinful” (for having premarital sex…with him).

Yas
Yas
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Heh.

Mine was, I was too perfect, like a Stepford wife.

She drinks tea, you drink coffee. Hinting at coffee breath.

You can’t have children. I can. Look at Boris Johnson. (We both had fertility issues)

You’re blocking me from a second marriage. (Polygamy)

You don’t take initiative to seduce me. You should know how to, I don’t need to tell you.

You took the pill the first week of marriage without asking me. (This came out after 13 years of marriage).

More weird stuff I think a bit more…Don’t want to dig deeper. Something about my 36 year old boobs no longer like my 23 year old boobs.

Lorie
Lorie
2 years ago
Reply to  Yas

Yas,
I got I always wanted children
That one REALLY, REALLY hurt ???? . When Dday hit i had just turned 50 and he was almost 49. We had been married over 20 years. I found out 2 years after we were married that i could not concieve. I was around 32 and we discussed the various options and decided that childless would be the route for us. He fully agreed and never brought up children again until he started sticking his hands in the neighbor with 2 children’s pants.

The 2 other crazy excuses I got were
You read to much
And
You take to many walks

Those 2 bizarre excuses just confused the heck out of me at the time!!!

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
2 years ago
Reply to  Lorie

I got the YOU READ TOO MUCH too.
Also the YOU HAVE TOO MUCH ENERGY
SO lame
Empty hot air
F-OFF
Xo

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
2 years ago
Reply to  Lorie

Lorie, what a dick. They love to make you feel like shit in any way possible. My ex and I suffered infertility but it was him although he somehow spun it in his mind that it was me. I didn’t know how what think about that but I figured at the time he just couldn’t deal with his terrible sperm count. We eventually did have one child after serious hell. One of his parting shots when he left was, “My new partner is a lot younger than you so we’re planning on a big family together.” I was 50 then. It was hideous and cruel and I spent a week sobbing in bed. My lovely mum helped me out of it by reminding me over and over that he has shitty sperm so good luck with that again! His young thing was also a druggie for years. They are assholes and they just love to look for ways to devalue us. Big hugs to you ❤️

Yas
Yas
2 years ago

I hate him for you.

Lorie
Lorie
2 years ago

Formely knownas,
Sounds like we were married to the same schmuck! ❤️ to you too!!

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago
Reply to  Yas

I was told that my boobs and lady parts were inadequate. I pushed his sons out of my nether regions and one of them was 9.75 pounds and did some damage. I am of a belief that changes that happen from childbirth are sacred in the larger picture of the selfless sacrifice of bringing forth life.

One of the patterns I now see in the women I now believe he cheated with was that they were all nulliparous (none had ever had children). I think he believed that the world owed him non-child-bearing vaginas.

The Bible says to “rejoice in the wife of your youth…may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” I find it interesting that scripture repeatedly speaks of “the wife of your youth”….4000 years ago, they knew there was a temptation to dump ones wife for a younger one and warned against it.

I remarried and my new husband loves my boobs and lady parts. I love the entirety of his various perfect and imperfect parts too. I believe that is what real marriage is, relishing the person as a whole and not parsing out parts.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

I love that bible reference, not just because I am Christian, but because it is just common sense. So much history and fun together. I look at my now husbands brother and his wife and she is now helping him through Parkinsons, but he was loyal their whole life, just as my now husband is to me.

These boys were raised to honor their wives and every last one of them have (four brothers).

My now husband was dumped by his wife after 29 years, they were having issues over her drinking; but I have no doubt he would have stayed with her to the end had she not decided she wanted to be single. He even retired from the AF and gave up the top rank he could attain to try and save their marriage. (to get that rank he would have had to sigh up for another tour) Didn’t work. Her loss.

Yep my now husband loves my body, and we enjoy each other because we love each other and treat each other well.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

How else would love last if we dissected people into and tossed them away over their aging parts? Love the entirety of a person is a beautiful notion, and one for which I am still striving should I do the whole partner thing again. Not settling for less, never again.

What kills me is that they can find the faults — anyone is perfectly allowed to find those deal-breakers and things that can’t deal with — and LEAVE. But they don’t leave, do they? We’re the ones who needed to realize we weren’t being valued the way we were supposed to, which opened us right up to being strung along because of ideals like this. It’s so absolutely sad and horrible that people would use other people in this way, and shit all over what marriage should be.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

A friend who birthed two children shared that her ex-husband whinged that he couldn’t get enough friction with his pencil ✏️ dick to orgasm. She was “too loose” after giving birth, according to him. Did she suggest a penile implant for more girth ? Of course not. How ruuude of him !

Zip
Zip
2 years ago

Bet you anything he was too used to his own tight hand!

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

What a jerk.

Also, I have read that “loose vagina” is primarily a myth. There are several sources I have found and they all pretty much say the same thing. Aging and multiple childbirth could affect the elasticity slightly, but not enough to make any significant difference between two loving people.

Good point about the pencil dick though. It is never their fault.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

SPBAS, I agree it sounds barbaric. Someone posted that on here. I had never heard about it, the surgery is sometimes used for leaking issues.

I doubt it makes much difference to an excited lover. At least that is what I have read in multiple articles.

Years ago after my son was born my doctor joked that he had taken a few extra stitches for my husband. (this was in 1969). I had about 40 stitches because my son was a nine pounder. I laughed at it as a joke, but who knows.

Anyway according to what I have read; it is rare for a vag to lose its elasticity to any significant degree. Although dryness and other health issues can of course affect the area.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Susie Lee,

Some women subject themselves to vaginal rejuvenation surgery after having kids. Sounds barbaric to me.

Doingme
Doingme
2 years ago

The Limited told adult daughter the reason he cheated was because, “She never forgave me for cheating”.

Jamie L Carter
Jamie L Carter
2 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

I got that one too, but also that I wasn’t mad at him enough the first time I caught him cheating so obviously I didn’t love him enough.

Meanwell
Meanwell
2 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

The Limited. I’m going to use that. Perfect description.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

I wasn’t a good enough house keeper. Which I am not a spit shiner, but I am also not bad. I worked full time, was going to school, did all the laundry cooking, any cleaning that was done. Kept the wood stove going because the asshole ripped out the gas furnace because he hated the gas company.

I also in the summer mowed the lawn and did any other outside yard work, that I was capable of doing.

But, things just didn’t sparkle enough.

Oh and whore was a slob in housekeeping that makes me look like Martha Stewart. I actually laughed when I found that out.

The only other thing he said and that was later to the preacher was that he always tried to get me to be more independent. (Total lie) But assuming it is true, I guess he showed me. He took on a lazy whore who got fired and with the exception of working at a retail store for a few weeks never worked for the rest of her life, starting from the age of 36.

Unstuck
Unstuck
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

I am definitely not a tidy person but did the lion’s share of cleaning, cooking, household and child management while working full time. He would have the gall to complain about the house not being clean (but certainly wouldn’t lift a finger to clean it). So I got a robot vacuum. He said it was too noisy. So I would only run it when he wasn’t home at night, which was often. And then he would complain about how I picked things up off the floor to make room for the robot. I finally realized I was never meant to win this game. Like others, I also got the complaint about not dropping everything I was doing to be excited about his drunken return at 1am. Or more specifically, when I would complain about his not being home, I was told i should be excited to see him at whatever time he came home. I am working on the divorce. I see now he does the same with the kids. He is basically never home during normal hours, so that when they do see him, they are falling all over him. Cant wait to be rid of him. He would come up with contradictory complaints:. In one sentence I was too lax with the kids; in the next, too strict. But never anything constructive or helpful from him about parenting the kids. Ugh looking back I just can’t believe I accepted any of this.

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

I hate the Gas Co. also as that is where my ex and the howorker worked!!! Ha, ha.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

Ha.

I never could figure out his hatred for the Gas Co. He said his dad hated them. I guess this was some part of a big family vendetta. Anyway in both houses we owned to live in he made the gas co rip the gas lines out.

I had to cook on a fucking electric stove and I hated it.

When my now H and I married I told him I don’t care how much it costs, if there is no gas we get it put in. I told him the story and he just shook his head. When we moved to GA and bought our house there was a gas furnace but not gas hook up for a range. So he called the gas co and had them run it. I got my gas range.

Mitz
Mitz
2 years ago

I was not “warm and fuzzy”

I only “kept him around for the free babysitting” (his own children)

honeyandthehomewrecker.com
honeyandthehomewrecker.com
2 years ago
Reply to  Mitz

I’m seeing red. That sentiment is so obtuse and sociopathic. They. Are. YOUR. CHILDREN. TOO. It’s not babysitting if they issued forth from your loins, you prick!

Ragingmeh
Ragingmeh
2 years ago

I wish I had gotten “bagged salad” bc I would have laughed in his face.

Instead I got the “haven’t been happy for a while”. Which, of course, didn’t go over easily since we had a daughter barely 3 and had only gotten back from a 10 day trip without her a few weeks before. Did for a while extend to before we got pregnant? If yes – well you are disordered. If no – well that isn’t a while and it is kinda normal. And you seems just fine on our trip…. certainly capable of sex….

Yeah. Even if it isn’t as obvious as bagged salad, it is all just BS.

I’ve decided the real answer is: He had a poor model and FOO = extreme discomfort w confrontation or addressing issues of any kind. Coupled with the normal marriage sucks when kids are under 3 and then starts rebounding + I’m a 42 year old man and my dad died and I am having an existential crisis that I won’t talk about + howorker looking for an upgrade + I didn’t have many girlfriends and being chased is heroin + my wife is a very strong woman who loves me but doesn’t need me =

I suddenly hate you and need to end our marriage tomorrow w 0 discussion and no it has nothing to do with her.

Projection fellow chumps projection is what these freaks excel at.

Trust that they suck, indeed.

Cocoanutcake
Cocoanutcake
2 years ago
Reply to  Ragingmeh

Holy crap. Everything you describe is my WH to a T.

“I’ve been unhappy for awhile” – you are correct, you hated your job for years. But you always said (and journaled) thank goodness for wife and kids because being with them are the only times I am happy.

Normal marriage suck – check
3 kids under 10 with all associated normal life issues and activities.

Turning 40 this year

Multiple deaths of friends in their 30s due to cancer and suicide in the past several years = mortality crisis/midlife crisis

Howorker looking for an upgrade – check. This girl was 23 though. So probably looking for an easy life. Ha! Try raising 3 kids for 10+ years 50% of the time that aren’t yours that know you are the reason you broke up their parents (eventually). That doesn’t seem like an easy life to me.

Dating at 18, married at 23 so “I never lived on my own”. But, but you aren’t on your own now? You have a girlfriend to mitigate any feelings of loneliness or fear. That’s a big part of “being on your own”.

She (AP) adores me. She needs me. You have just chosen to love and stay committed to me for the past 16 years (and show it – there was no confusion on that, he definitely knew I loved him). But you don’t NEED me.

That last one I hate. Absolutely hate it. So I’m being punished for being capable? For handling the stress of the house and the kids and a husband who hates his job, all while I also worked, since you work 60 hour weeks? That’s why you left me for a 23 year old? Because she needed to be taken care of? You know who else needs that? Our 3 children. They are the ones who NEED a dad. She only needs a “daddy”.

That’s hardcore messed up in so many ways. A real man would have appreciated me more because I was able to do this. Not faulted me for it. It’s all bagged salad though because if in would have fallen apart I would have been faulted for not being able to handle the stress of being a surgeon’s wife.

Badmovie19
Badmovie19
2 years ago
Reply to  Cocoanutcake

Wow. Were we married to the same guy? He was turning 40, long term marriage so we got serious in our early 20s, married howorker looking for an upgrade (my ex was 10 years younger than her), He wasn’t happy for a long time, my career was flourishing & his was stagnant. 2 kids under 6 was no fun and screwing married coworker on biz trips so intoxicating. Yep, I was told on discard day that I left the family for an employer (extremely competitive job that required a few months of training); my side hustle biz was in the way of us (never did any work while family members were even awake), and that I never had time for him during grad school (umm that was 15 years earlier).

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Cocoanutcake

It beats all understanding.

Your post about “never living alone” reminded me of a conversation:

My ex mother in law when she first started to turn against me said to me: “I think fw just wants his freedom, you two married young” I just looked at her and said “fw’s mom, yes we married young, but I didn’t cheat, and also he is not getting his freedom, he is leaving me to marry whore” Of the two of us, I am the only one who will be gaining freedom.

She really didn’t like that. I know she was horrified at the woman he chose, but it was her cross to bear (and his) not mine.

Hurt1
Hurt1
2 years ago

I mentioned on a post earlier this week that ex yelled at me on dday saying, “you think I like crab cakes on Thanksgiving?” Mind you he bought the meat & prepared them, all his idea.

I was also told that whenever he was home I was there. In tears from other false accusations I replied, “because I live here.” Didn’t know what else to say.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago
Reply to  Hurt1

How dare you be at the home where you live! lol Where were you supposed to be!?! Why were you not supposed to be home? That is some top notch BS right there.

Hurt1
Hurt1
2 years ago

Guess what? I’m still here – got my lovely circa 1880s home free & clear in the divorce including 95% of the contents. Ex went on to an apartment over a dollar store in an armpit of a town the next county over.

AristocraticChump
AristocraticChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Hurt1

Good. Im so glad its yours. You were home, in your home. The cruelty of all these monsters just devastates me.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  Hurt1

???? Sucks to be him, doesn’t it ?

WooshyM
WooshyM
2 years ago
Reply to  Hurt1

Winner Winner! along with “Bagged Salad” we now have “Crab Cakes on Thanksgiving.”

Geez. Trust that they suck indeed.

Iwantmyfairytale
Iwantmyfairytale
2 years ago
Reply to  WooshyM

Another Thanksgiving bagged salad here! I made a Mexican food dinner for thanksgiving one year complete with homemade tamales, etc. he said -YOU MADE MEXICAN FOOD FOR THANKSGIVING?!!!

Only thing was, he wasn’t at this thanksgiving meal. He was down at the beach on a 2 week “work trip” remodeling schmoopies condo over the holidays. Schmoopie was there for 2 weeks also. This was 2 months before DDay. And funny thing, I found out later they had shrimp and all the trimmings for thanksgiving that year.

Ashley
Ashley
2 years ago

I forgot to remind him he wanted a glass of wine at Epcot Center on our honeymoon. He carried that around for 2 years and then used it on his exit affair.

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
2 years ago
Reply to  Ashley

We need a Chumpy potluck: bagged salad, crab cakes, Disney wine, while watching Rachel Maddow. 🙂

Vicky
Vicky
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpNoMore

My crime was that I kept a grocery list on the refrigerator. The nerve of me! I guess we could make a divorce grocery list of all the foods that cause divorce. Bagged salad, crab cakes, etc. After that comment, I took my notepad off the refrigerator and started making lists of divorce attorneys instead.

Stig
Stig
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpNoMore

Don’t forget the tamales!

CalGal
CalGal
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpNoMore

That is actually one potluck I’d love to attend! ???????????? I dragged my Ex to hear Rachel Maddow speak in person, and wait while I had her sign my copy of her book. Looking back now, he didn’t deserve the privilege!

the second lady
the second lady
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpNoMore

ChumpNoMore: I’ll bring the ‘creamy’ salad dressing—say, a homemade ceasar or when it was appropriate to the meal, occasionally a homemade bleu cheese. Otherwise a homemade balsamic or mustard vinaigrette–‘ugh, too much mustard’. And I never loaded the dishwasher correctly in 24 years.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago

Haha. The dishwasher. Classic.

FuckThatShit
FuckThatShit
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpNoMore

I’m in!

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpNoMore

Wait wait…. I have a contender: “you never bought me a comfortable chair.”

7 figure earning-partner in a large international firm said 25 years into marriage where he never once mentioned any furniture preferences… and I’m also a law partner and we had 4 kids!

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
2 years ago

Mine exclaimed right before DDay that our house wasn’t “cool enough” and he stomped around like a toddler feeling upset about it. I reminded him that we were both in good salaries and working hard so if he wanted an upgrade let’s do it! I set about making plans for how we could remodel. I was so excited that we could at last do something together! Asshole- turns out it was just another devaluing move by him

German Chump
German Chump
2 years ago

Ha, Ha, MC99!

Same, same. FW is a big law partner and shortly before discard mode exclaimed with a grand wave of his hand at the SIX armchairs and sofas whilst glaring at me,

There is not a single chair in this house for me to sit comfortably in!

German Chump
German Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  German Chump

I will add that in his apartment he now has one of these sofas with an electric button to press that makes the seating area wider by coming out 20cm.

Upon child pick-up in the early days, when I had to go in, he actually stopped me to show me. Explaining proudly how to change from sitting to lounging mode and wouldn’t I like to try it?

Oh sure, let me FEEL how you get OW laid on your new gadget. Literally. Geez

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpNoMore

I wonder if RM knows she is causing all these straight men to cheat on their wives. ????

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
2 years ago

If she was available and so was I (I’m now in a healthy relationship) I would go for it. 🙂

Not cheating though.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpNoMore

????

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
2 years ago
Reply to  Ashley

He really must have wanted that wine….

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Ashley

haha. I hope he shares that excuse with others, preferably the lawyers. ????

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
2 years ago
Reply to  Ashley

Omg ????

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
2 years ago
Reply to  Sandyfeet

F———in Zero

Xioba Xioba
Xioba Xioba
2 years ago

Dear Fourleaf,
You are a fine chump and you and your experiences and the way you live are essential to the world. Keep sharing you to CN so all future chumps will benefit.

My salad.
My soon to be ex freak told me it was my fault that her pregnancy hormones made her fall in love with her twu wuv — the baby is mine and I didn’t know of twu wuv until just before our baby was born.

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
2 years ago
Reply to  Xioba Xioba

XX,

Thanks and I shall certainly try. These morning visits to Chump Nation over coffee are certainly meditative and centering.

Your FW’s excuse certainly takes the cake: “*My* hormones which drove me to make *my own choices* are really your fault.” Oh my gosh. I can’t even (as the kids say).

pennstategirl
pennstategirl
2 years ago

Voldemark said he was having an affair with Sallatrix because I was guilty of “emotional adultery” when I wanted to watch tv after he was ready to go to bed AND because “he came after the kids and the cats”…….can you say emotional development of a 5 year old? 30 year marriage with a covert narcissist….
the pieces all fit…….

Beth
Beth
2 years ago
Reply to  pennstategirl

So… you had an emotional affair with a TV show? I’m trying to parse the “emotional adultery” comment and figure out how it applies to watching TV when he wanted to sleep. That is one of the dumbest things I’ve heard yet and I’ve been here a looooong time, lol.

pennstategirl
pennstategirl
2 years ago
Reply to  Beth

I guess I was committing infidelity with Chris Cuomo and Don Lemon…….When I told my attorney , at our first meeting, that he had said this, her response was…”Holy Hell, I have been practcing family law for 20 + years and I have never heard such a painfully idiotic comment in my life..” Lucky Me.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago
Reply to  pennstategirl

Klootzak controls the remote and the only time I can watch anything is after he foes to bed. I was treated to a speech that it said something that I refused to go to bed the same time as him. I said yeah… it says that you control the TV and I have to stay up late to watch the news or anything decent.

Foolmoitwice
Foolmoitwice
2 years ago
Reply to  pennstategirl

Mine is a Penn State Guy. Yes, I wish I would have known about covert narcism. It all makes so much sense now. I knew he was passive aggressive, but the covert narcism explanation put all the puzzle pieces together.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago
Reply to  Foolmoitwice

My parents have such deep Cluster B disorders that in contrast, Cheater was much more reasonable than they are. That alone prevented me from realizing that he was a covert narc until after he died.

Dawn
Dawn
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

this is also my experience, except for the dying part. Now that I know… damn. It’s like my STBX was the case study…

Pennstategirl
Pennstategirl
2 years ago
Reply to  Dawn

I should market “I survived being married to a Covert Narcissist and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” shirts…..I could probably retire tomorrow

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
2 years ago
Reply to  Pennstategirl

I was married to a covert narc for 26 years. He was too inhibited to be a cheater. He did gaslight and emotionally and financially abuse me.

My next relationship was with the love-bombing cheater. A completely different kind of narcissism.

Now I think I’ve fixed my picker. No narc traits or red flags in the 10 months I’ve known him.

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
2 years ago

All I did was work, cook and go to bed early! This, from his mother. I had a very challenging job while he was retired. Then she said I should have retired with him. I informed her that like he, I was not being fired. When I stated that I got three weeks notice of his impending retirement (and no discussion), she stated “what, he needs your permission?” This all from a woman that never worked a day in her life.
Also, I “forced” him to watch TV alone.
Good riddance to them both.

emma c
emma c
2 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

I too was married to a retiree, who was already retired when we married.

He asked me to retire early so we could spend time together. I said that I could do that if he would gift me (for xmas) with an annuity that would cover the gap in benefits I’d lose with early retirement.

I got the silent treatment for about 3 weeks.

Sprinkles
Sprinkles
2 years ago

He just wanted someone he could buy gifts for.

UXworld
UXworld
2 years ago
Reply to  Sprinkles

Oh for fuck’s sake . . .

Happily Ever After????
Happily Ever After????
2 years ago

I got… I haven’t been happy in years… I gave you enough hints to choke a horse! I was only happy the first 7 years…married 20! Ummm oh did those hints include building our dream home for 2 years together with no argument or disagreeing, which we moved in to a mere 18 months before he left? Or was it the $30k upgraded wedding ring given? I realized the truth once I discovered the affair… ho hum, I got the dream house and beach house mortgage free, and a whole lot more. He was said to be sobbing at the close of our settlement negotiations! C’est la vie dude!

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
2 years ago

After our separation, I rifled through papers on his desk and found an enumerated list of more than 100 of my faults. The dated list had been running for months and referenced things that had happened years ago. For example, I failed to purchase cilantro when I served tacos (and I had served salsa when he had wanted taco sauce). I had failed to put into the mail one of those little subscription cards that fall out of magazines even though he had told me he wanted to order that magazine. I was less appalled by the faults the list revealed than the recognition of how petty he was and how long he’d been tracking and holding grudges. (And, of course, there was the fact that he was barely contributing to the parenting of our kids, any household chores, or working to keep us afloat, but he did have time to sit and brood over all my inadequacies).

Unlisted, but verbalized, during a conversation that preceded the implosion of the marriage was his sudden epiphany that I was a lesbian (no shade to lesbians), because any heterosexual woman would fawn at his feet and appreciate him with depth and passion. Eventually, I learned that his “soul mate” (who was at least 25 years younger than himself) did admire and support him appropriately. Labeling me a closet lesbian was just a way he could justify cheating and sustain the belief that he was the victim of a fraudulent marriage.

Elsie
Elsie
2 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Yes, mine was a list maker too, and he decided that I was a lesbian. Never mind the psychological disorders required to make such a list on another human being, and that my “bent” was entirely based on his view that I was not properly idolizing him.

Trying to make sense of that and more, I shared those sorts of things with my therapist after he took off. Her summary was “some people just shouldn’t be married.”

He ran so far away that I never knew the whole story. My attorney suggested a PI because he “smelled” adultery all over what happened (still a crime in my state and for-cause in divorce), but I chose not to do that. Money was tight, and I just plain wanted out. We did settle out of court, and I was happy with my settlement.

Live and learn!

Chumpupthejam
Chumpupthejam
2 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Eilonwy, what a horrible thing to find. But so glad the list was comically stupid. Failed to buy cilantro?!!!! That list is a gift. It validates you as the normal one and shows you that he is petty, pathetic, and permanently unsatisfied.

When I first suspected my FW’s affair and confronted him, he went on a full rage and said no he is not having an affair, he loves me, but he wants a divorce. I said why do you want a divorce if you are not having an affair and you love me? He said it was because I always told him to work more and make more money. That was the exact opposite of the truth. I always, always, always told him to work less. For all the 22 years we were married! I was so confused! But spackler that I am, instead of interpreting it as a raging lie, I thought he had a brain tumor for saying something so opposite from the truth. I actually brought him to a doctor and he had all sorts of tests done to rule out a brain tumor. Everything was normal. Augh, so embarrassing. Two years later, I found out that he had been living with another woman and her kids all this time. He was living two lives, 100 miles apart. No wonder he was so confused.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpupthejam

I think we need to remember that for sensible people spackling is always a part of fixing the walls. Hasty people move out every time they find an imperfection, but healthy people do try and do repairs. It’s only when we’ve put up so much spackle that we can barely see the original paint color any longer that we realize it is time to redecorate or relocate. You were kind to assume a health problem before leaping to the assumption he was a raging jackass!

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
2 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

A whole list of stupid, bagged salad reasons! Oh my gosh. And you can bet a million dollars that if any of those reasons were the reverse–say, you always used cilantro to make tacos–the list would have reflected that.

Reason #23 why I am a poor soul trapped in a loveless marriage: She always uses cilantro when she makes tacos for me. It’s like she doesn’t even love me anymore!

There’s no winning. When they’ve decided that one foot is out the door then anything we do is always the wrong thing.

MightyKJ
MightyKJ
2 years ago

My ex told me, and anyone else who would listen, I refused to have sex with him for a year. I guess he must have been astro projecting from the bed? And the couch, the kitchen floor, the boat, the restroom at Denny’s. Ok, not the restroom at Denny’s; I actually declined that one. ????What an idiot.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  MightyKJ

Ha that sounds like me. He loved to have sex when there was danger of getting caught.

I should have seen that big red freak flag flying, but I thought it was normal for young men. He was my first sex partner. Of course I knew the nuts and bolts of sex, but had no experience other than what he taught me.

That is why I have no trouble believing that he was enjoying the hell out of sneaking around. Then he got his nuts caught in the office auger; the rest is history.

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

That’s right from the “secret sexual basement”: Deceptive Sexuality. I know the ex-FW got off on the sneaking, because he cheated way down and only got vanilla sex. (He vomited many details when asked directly). I was the freaky sex, that’s why he had tried to get back with me many times. Rejected every time.

It was the ego boost and deceiving me that was the turn-on. That mind-fucked me for a while. I know I’m at meh because I’m happy that it’s over and done with – it would’ve happened eventually. We weren’t married so it was easy to kick him out of my house.

He was my “first pancake” after my divorce. The one you feed to the dog. (Sorry doggie). Not my concept, I heard that somewhere else).

Claire
Claire
2 years ago

I watched ‘Love Island’…..

????????????????

#facepalm
#facepalm
2 years ago

I didn’t run marathons with him.
I cleaned too much.
I was an extrovert.
I was too independent.
I wasn’t independent enough.
I spent too much time on the couch watching TV (…which was with him, btw).

Okupin
Okupin
2 years ago
Reply to  #facepalm

Yup. I got the “you won’t train for 50K races with me.” Correct.

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
2 years ago
Reply to  Okupin

The exFW loved that I ran with him, trained and did triathlons with him. His AP didn’t work out at all, and neither does his new victim. I happened to see his sad sausage social media post about needing “a new training partner”. Well, he had one that he didn’t appreciate.

And Mr. “I ran State: – the last half marathon we did together – he choked.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  #facepalm

Your independent quotes remind me.

He told our preacher that he had always tried to get me to be more independent, (preacher looked at him like WTH). Then in the next breath he said “I (meaning him) am a controller” Those two statements are a total contradiction. And he didn’t even notice it.

The preacher was still a little stunned because as he told me later, since the ex had requested this meeting to talk about “trying again” he was surprised that the ex was sitting there talking about my faults.

But, to break that down. He didn’t want me going out at night. He made me turn down a job where there would be a lot of men working, and travel. He didn’t want me to travel. When I questioned why on earth he didn’t want me to travel. He said as a man he could handle himself, but I couldn’t. There are lots of examples of him having to be in control.

Yeah, we know how well he handled himself.

Anyway, I got up and left when the preacher told us that he couldn’t counsel us, but he could refer us to someone. My ex turned around and looked at me and said “I can’t make any promises” So I stood up thanked the preacher for his time, and said “we are done here”. and walked out.

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Talk about projection. Sounds like the preacher surprisingly didn’t gaslight you.

I realized later the projection. The ex-FW was jealous that I was talking to a man, someone that I would never meet, who was a friend through an online support group for a rare disease that we both had. I stopped talking to the man, and later found out he passed, which was a huge loss as he never knew why I stopped talking to him. It is a lesson I learned the hard way.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpNoMore

I don’t think he thought I would cheat, he was just simply going to maintain control of me, until he was ready to boot me out; then all of a sudden I wasn’t independent enough. Guess again fw, I did fine without you.

No the preacher was great. He was the one early on that told me I need to get mad. Which I did before too long. I had mentioned it before, but I didn’t tell our preacher a lot of the horrible stuff he did and said to me, I was so humiliated. I should have. I regret it to this day. He could have helped me a lot more if he had known the whole story.

He was just trying to get us the help we needed if both of us wanted it. When I walked out he knew I was done, and I suspect he was relieved. He told my ex that he would never build happiness on the destruction of someone else.

FW didn’t believe him, but if the way he lived the rest of his life was happiness; I certainly wouldn’t want any of it. I am so relieved I escaped that.

#Sometimes
#Sometimes
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

“You will never build happiness on the destruction of someone else”

This was God’s message for the “kerfuffle” that is my life!! Thank you sooooo much for sharing!!

Givetimetime
Givetimetime
2 years ago

“You’ve changed”

Yeah, when you met me I was 26. Now I’m 45. I hope I’ve changed.

Fucker.

NowIsee
NowIsee
2 years ago
Reply to  Givetimetime

I got my “friends” (from his college days) said he changed and was different now. I said my friends would say the same because I’m married, have kids, a house and responsibilities. Of course I changed! It’s only normal. He also said he wanted to be able to travel and see these “friends” but I would never let him. Of course he never mentioned this in our marriage and I have no idea who these “friends” are. But he never sees these friends because they are in a Mexico and we are in the United States. Apparently their opinion was more important than that of his wife of 24 years. We traveled often to Mexico to visit his family. Another reason to exit our marriage was he wanted to travel alone to Mexico and also he wants to go to Brazil. His AP is Colombian and he has pretty much forgotten about his family here and in Mexico. I doubt she will let him travel anywhere alone. His oldest brother died of Covid about a month ago and he didn’t even go to his funeral or go to support his siblings and mother.

Okupin
Okupin
2 years ago
Reply to  Givetimetime

Got this one as well.

LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
2 years ago

Amongst my many high crimes and misdemeanours , I am largely tee-total; quite clearly beyond the pale and ample justification for any punishment or criticism that my Ex saw fit to administer.

The day after D-Day I was told “I am embarrassed to bring my friends to our house because you do not drink. You are a lousy host because you do not fill peoples’ glasses up often enough and when you do fill their glasses up, you look as if you are judging them. You have no social skills whatsoever and none of my friends like being around you. You obviously have a drink problem.”

And this is why Ex-Mrs LFTT (a functioning alcoholic) felt that it was OK to hook up with her ex-boyfriend who is (according to those that know him) ……. a functioning alcoholic.

Well at least they have something in common; they are welcome to each other.

LFTT

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
2 years ago

Wow these people.

In our marriage counseling in the days following DDay he lamented: “I had to do all of the laundry”. He left out a lot of context. First, I used to do his laundry but he complained that I didn’t do it right so I stopped doing his. When we had a nanny, and I only worked four days a week the nanny and I did the laundry between us. We also cleaned house and, of course, looked after the kids. I can’t remember if she did his laundry too or not. I probably had her skip his so she wouldn’t be burdened by the complaints of “you aren’t folding the socks right”. It wasn’t until he voluntarily gave up his high paying job to become a SAHD for a few years that I Iet him do the laundry so it would be done right and because he really didn’t have much else to do while the kids were in school. He hired a housekeeper we couldn’t afford to clean the house. He never asked me to help do the laundry during that time.

I also got complaints that I didn’t buy expensive enough clothes, go clothes shopping often enough, get my hair done often enough, wear expensive jewelry every day or carry a purse (preferably an expensive one). In other words, I was low maintenance and that was a bad thing. I am sure there are many on here who did their best to look good for their spouses every day only to be told they were high maintenance and that was the cause of the cheating. There really is no way to win this game.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

“There really is no way to win this game.”

Nope, as CL says it is a stacked deck. We don’t even know we are in the game until it is over.

Okupin
Okupin
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Yes. Even when I had a nervous breakdown b/c of the game playing and had to go to therapy as a result, it never occurred to me I was being gaslighted into losing my mind—because what sane, decent human being would do that to another human being? It was only after he abandoned me that I figured out what he had been doing all along. All he wanted from me was an emotional reaction—because he was an energy vampire who fed off others’ emotions—and he didn’t care what it was or how he got it. I was pretty even-keeled as a person (which actually *attracted* him to me in the first place b/c he had just come off a relationship with too much drama), and so he learned the best way to get a rise out of me was to drive me into a corner where I felt trapped by never being able to please/satisfy him—then, he would get either anger or despair from me, depending on what space I was in. Yum yum. Fucker.

Elena
Elena
2 years ago
Reply to  Okupin

I had a nervous breakdown too and therefore he had to leave. He wrote a 2 page letter to my attorney telling her all about it.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
2 years ago
Reply to  Elena

I didn’t have a nervous breakdown, but XW left me anyway because she believes that I am going to have one someday: I will have a breakdown, lose my job, and she will have to take care of the kids all by her herself while I am institutionalized. She needed to divorce me because she couldn’t face that future.

Except that her scenario is actually not my life, but basically her father projected onto me … and of course XW never mentioned that she’d been having an affairs for year(s) and that she and her AP were coordinating kicking their spouses to the curb.

ChumpMeGentlyWithAChainsaw
ChumpMeGentlyWithAChainsaw
2 years ago
Reply to  Okupin

And, let me guess….he then whined that you were sad, angry, or “too negative” all the time.

LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

SL,

The only way to win the game is to refuse to play …. but to do that you need to recognise that a game is being played in the first place. My approach, as soon as I sensed a hint of game-playing was one of “Strategic Non-Engagement.”

It drove Ex-Mrs LFTT nuts, as it denied her the ability to manufacture a grievance, lay it at my feet and then claim victim status.

LFTT

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

Oh I agree.

But as you say if you don’t know there is a game, you can’t refuse to play. By the time I found out about the game, it had been played against me for so long and it was two players against one, it just didn’t matter anymore. I had been emotionally and financially raped. (He had to pay that money back by way of a year long maintenance plan while we were legally separated.)

I am betting schmoops didn’t like that because there she sat with an engagement ring and he can’t marry her. He seemed fine with it though, I am betting he would have agreed to the full three years if I had wanted that. But, I didn’t want to stay tied to him that long, I just wanted time to save some money.

I am fine now, because I had to focus on my job (it was all I had) I was out earning him within a few short years. I eventually married way way up. Even if he and schmoops had not gambled themselves into bankruptcy, I would have been too far out for him to ever catch up.

LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

SL,

That sounds a fantastic ending to your story.

I got a clean break from Ex-Mrs LFTT and a significant promotion at work less than a month after our divorce was finalised. I now make more than her and her AP put together and then some. In the 4 years since the Decree Absolute I’ve gone from £25K in debt to being almost ready to buy a new house for the kids and I (I am currently renting).

I am still single (by choice, as the kids and my career keep me very busy), but I still think that I traded up by getting rid of her.

LFTT

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

“but I still think that I traded up by getting rid of her.”

Absolutely, I would have felt the same way, in fact I did because I didn’t marry for several years after the D.

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

“We don’t even know we are in the game until it is over.”

Agreed. And I, for one, don’t feel like sitting down at the table to play another round with anyone anytime soon.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago

I once accidentally washed a new towel with his clothes resulting in cotton pills all over his stuff (oops) he went into a rage and forbade me from washing his clothes. He also had a system of which dress clothes went to the cleaner when and how and forbade me to interfere with that process also. I did as told and did not touch his clothes.

At the MC he said “at this very minute there is a bag of dirty clothes in my closet that she refuses to take to the cleaners”. This was typical of him telling me something then being mad that I did it.

I so wish that I had realized that he showed that he didnt love my in a thousand ways. I knew, however if I ever left, he would backtrack/deny all of it to look blameless. He was a selfish, manipulative fucker.

BccChump
BccChump
2 years ago

After not being happy for a long time when I got cancer that was the final straw. My cancer drove him away. I’m such a terrible person

Nemesis
Nemesis
2 years ago
Reply to  BccChump

Mine denied it was due to my breast cancer, my double mastectomy and reconstruction. Yet, he was gone a year later.

Besides the requisite “I haven’t been happy for a long time.”, he said it was because I’d remind him to take out the trash and that he’d always hated the pattern of our dishes. Even though he bought me pieces as gifts. ????

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
2 years ago
Reply to  BccChump

Oh my gosh, the audacity of you ????????‍♀️

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago
Reply to  BccChump

To me, the Cheaters who abandon a spouse who is sick are beneath contempt.
I am so sorry this happened to you.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Newt Gingrich took the grand prize for that because he’s a public figure and we all heard about it. What pieces of shit.

An older guy hit on me at the track, with his sad sausage story of his sick wife. I told him “Sounds like you need to join a caregivers support group rather than chatting up other women and asking for their phone number.” What a loser.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago

After my Cheater died and I was dating now husband (Col Greatguy) I was telling my “love story” while getting new glasses and the gal said “Oh that’s like me, my husband is dying and I just reconnected with an old boyfriend”. GAH!!! Her husband needed her more than ever and she was all excited over a new love. I did no such thing.

Chumpychump
Chumpychump
2 years ago

I only cooked gourmet food. WHY couldn’t I have just cooked tuna casserole just once?

nothisfriend
nothisfriend
2 years ago

I spent too much on cable television

Chumptimes2
Chumptimes2
2 years ago

One of the reasons why my husband gave was because I was not happy enough when I was sick. (I was facing possible brain surgery thankfully everything turned out fine anyway). He compared me to his friends wife who had back issues and supposedly was happy all the time.

Kathleen
Kathleen
2 years ago

After 35 years, “ I would’ve have cheated if you didn’t nag so much”. I guess us having sex almost every day didn’t matter to him.
I’m sure his Owhore never nagged. ( she died 2 years later). The woman he’s living with now probably doesn’t either. So sad I gave him my youth. ????

Kathleen
Kathleen
2 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

P S.
I also got cancer and had a mastectomy. Think that turned him off .

Quetzal
Quetzal
2 years ago

“You were focused on your health too much”

GuideDog
GuideDog
2 years ago

“We bring out the worst in each other”

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  GuideDog

So I guess the OM/OW brought out the best in them.

FuckThatShit
FuckThatShit
2 years ago
Reply to  GuideDog

I got that one too. Maybe they read the same Cheater’s Handbook?

MaisyL
MaisyL
2 years ago

He and I had become like brother and sister. With an 18 month old child. In addition to the 4 year old and 7 year old. Never met a brother and sister with a baby before, but sure.

MaisyL
MaisyL
2 years ago
Reply to  MaisyL

OH – Also, he was “too good to be married to a 40 year old woman”. I was 39, so time was ticking I guess. Little mistress was his 25 year old intern.

Kristen
Kristen
2 years ago
Reply to  MaisyL

Yep! My ex started an affair on my 40th birthday — while I was 8 months pregnant with our 4th child — because having a wife who was “so old” made him feel “desperate.” How dare I insist on continuing to age year after year!

Fearful&loathing
Fearful&loathing
2 years ago
Reply to  Kristen

Me too. I turned 40 and he turned to 29 year old howorker. Cheater later said in his bag salad defense: “you got old”.

Yep. Shocker. That’s how it works. Oh he’s a decade older than me, but apparently women age in dog years for him.

MaisyL
MaisyL
2 years ago

LOL F&L – “women age in dog years for him”! So sad and so true.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

See what gets me about these you got old deal is this:

As men start to age, their sex drive will (in most cases) start to decline, in many cases as their drive is declining, a woman’s drive is increasing because she is getting away from child care, and constant stress and work etc.

As these men age do they expect their partners to have affairs because quite frankly they can’t do it as often as they used to. And for almost every man, regardless of his love and attraction for his woman, or any woman he will likely lose the ability to get it up every time. So does that mean his wife, who can still have sex should have affairs, or leave him for a younger man who can perform.

These are just the fact of life. Are there exceptions, sure; but I doubt there are many.

That is kind of what the loyalty and vows are about. There is more than one way to skin a cat, and married folks should compromise and work together.

I know I am likely going to get pinged here, but I think part of the issue now with old men going after young women is Viagra. It allowed the men to have a stiffie, whereas in previous years they couldn’t.

Again, there are exceptions. Does anyone really believe Aristotle Onassis was able to go at it with Jackie Kennedy. (this was pre Viagra days) Or any of the old time rich men with 20 year old hanging all over them. Think George Burns.

Nope it was money. That was why you saw rich men with young women on their arms. Now those poor young women have to put up with an old man humping them for their money. In the past, they just had to walk on his arm and keep their mouth shut.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

I just want to add, if a couple are committed to each other as they grow old, they are not seeing an old person, or their flaws; they are still just enjoying the person they love, flaws and all.

I am just so sorry for everyone’s pain. (been there) It is real and it takes a while to recover. I will just be an old church lady and say “some folks ought to be ashamed of themselves” But, they lie to themselves, so many aren’t.

Nemesis
Nemesis
2 years ago
Reply to  MaisyL

MaisyL, you just reminded me of a similar situation my with ex. I went through menopause relatively early at 45. I was experiencing menopausal symptoms and had gone to my doctor for help. She told me I was in menopause and gave me some advice to manage it naturally. I sat my ex down and told him what my doctor said. He looked at me in disgust and told me he didn’t know if he could be with a menopausal woman. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, but was that enough of a red flag for me to leave him? No. Instead, I went on hormonal therapy to fight Mother Nature and hopefully keep him happy. I got my breast cancer diagnosis 10 years later. He was gone the following year.

When I think back on that situation and so many others like it, it makes me feel sick and ashamed. Over 30 years of my life spent with that pond scum.

MaisyL
MaisyL
2 years ago
Reply to  Nemesis

I’m so sorry, Nemesis. I think calling him merely pond scum is a testament to your good character.

Fern
Fern
2 years ago
Reply to  Nemesis

I’m sorry to hear that. So cruel. I bet he never asked how you were feeling about this news.

Bastard. I’m glad you are rid of him now.

Fern
Fern
2 years ago
Reply to  MaisyL

We know what happens to her if she hangs around for 15 years.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago