Being the Marriage Police Sucks

snooping to discover cheating

When you’re snooping to discover if your partner is cheating, welcome to the Marriage Police force. You know that state of hypervigiliance, also expressed as “trust but verify” where you’re acting like a Soviet spy.

No thank you spyware.

I was once approached online by a nice man Trevor, who sent a complimentary email introducing himself and his website, thinking we had much in common. He wanted to inform me and my readers of his services. His website was a commercial sales site for catching cheaters and other miscreants — including lazy employees and errant babysitters. (How does that go down? “BUSTED! I TOLD you Harrison gets his toast WITHOUT crusts!”)

It was all surveillance equipment, snooping to discover cheating — GPSs, voice activated recorders, keyloggers, tiny cameras — and probably a shoe phone. (Anyone remember “Get Smart”?)

The site had all sorts of ominous warnings and frightening statistics like: 80 PERCENT OF ALL MEN CHEAT! Does he hide his cell phone? Does he suddenly smell good? CONSIDER HE MAY BE A CHEATER! The stats were only slightly less scary for cheater women. What followed was a large array of colorful gizmos.

I’m sure Trevor does a big business in spyware. And he may be more savvy about the readers of Chump Lady than I am. (Anyone out there in the market for a keylogger?) But I thanked him for his compliments and sent him on his way.

Hypervigiliance is no way to live.

As anyone who has tried it can tell you, being the marriage police sucks. I do NOT believe in the lifestyle of “trust but verify.” What makes that Ronald Reagan line so memorable is that it’s funny. It’s a nice way of saying — I don’t trust you at all.

If you feel the need to behave like a Soviet spy in a John le Carré novel? Face it — it’s OVER. Your marriage is DONE.

I understand that a lot of people need these tools in the gaslighting days, where there is a lot of denial and no proof. I’m certainly not above using whatever means necessary to get the evidence you need to divorce a cheater. Especially if you live in a fault state. I also understand needing the proof for yourself. What I do NOT understand is voluntarily staying in a marriage police state.

I once knew a guy who couldn’t leave his cheater because she was “trying,” and he couldn’t break up his children’s home. Then I noticed months later on a RIC board, that the only thing the guy posts anymore are Investigative Tips, offering fellow chumps handy how-tos on recovering deleted Skype files. My heart just sunk for the poor idiot. Really, dude? Is this what you’ve been reduced to? Obsessively monitoring your wife’s Skype chats? Just let it GO! You’re dying by inches. It’s undignified.

Espionage and love are incompatible.

If you need to spy on someone, you don’t trust them. Your actions are saying you believe they are the sort of person who would stab you in the back (because… oh hey… they actually did that…) We don’t spy on people we like or RESPECT. We spy on enemies. It’s sneaky and underhanded… kind of like cheating.

So Trevor, thanks for the offer. I’m sure you provide a good service to those in need of it, but my message here to chumps, or people who suspect they are chumps, is GET OUT. Hop the Berlin War… run past the snipers… and make your way towards freedom.

And to anyone looking for a Fun Friday challenge today, tell me all the ways how time served on the Marriage Police Force sucks.

TGIF!

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FSTL
FSTL
5 years ago

It is easy for some of us to get stuck down this rabbit hole. It can become obsessive – always looking for a “gotcha” ….

CL is spot on, though, once you’re in this space it is over.

My idiot gave me access to some (but not all) of her devices. One of them was her iPhone. The game of looking at where she went on “find my iPhone” and where she said went were particularly soul destroying moments.

And then I found her work phone unlocked with all the “God I want to f#ck you” messages from the guy she claimed she’d been nc with for 6 months

2×4 meet head…..

TiredChump
TiredChump
5 years ago
Reply to  FSTL

My denial was so strong – I spackled right through some pretty astounding discoveries on his phone, which he had begun treating like gold bullion. In hindsight I realized that I was so desperate to reconcile that I perceived my policing would provide the clues I needed to get back to the marriage I thought I had had for the past 30 years.
Clearly, the hopium pipe was blazing! And my OCD/control freakery/ “i can fix this” persona was in high gear.
Recently, when I was reminiscing about some past family times, and wistful for what “could have been,” my friend reminded me of my policing and how i really was crazy for a few months.
If we could all remember the sweaty-palms, feeling like a guilty criminal, pit in our stomach, shaking and crying peek into their world, we should never want them back.
It was like coming face to face with the Devil – and he was laying in the bed right next to me.

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
5 years ago
Reply to  TiredChump

Perfectly said, “If we could all remember the sweaty-palms, feeling like a guilty criminal, pit in our stomach, shaking and crying peek into their world, we should never want them back.
It was like coming face to face with the Devil – and he was laying in the bed right next to me”. There isn’t a feeling like the nausea you get when you are policing. I will never miss those days!!

FedUpChump
FedUpChump
5 years ago
Reply to  FSTL

I figure if they are happy to allow you to go through their phone/computer/iPad, etc. It’s because they’ve gotten rid of all evidence or have moved it to an unknown secure device. Maybe they’re honestly being transparent, but knowing their potential for deception, we’ll drive ourselves nuts trying to figure out of it’s transparency or a deeper plunge into chumpland. My cheater continued to hide his devices after D day until he was certain his affair partner would no longer try to contact him, and all incriminating evidence was trashed/deleted . Only then did he offer to let me go through his phone and email. Even still, I managed to find a deleted email reservation confirmation for a fuck fest getaway to a resort I’ve always wanted to go. (Of course I’d rather burn the place down than step inside now). The affair was since long over but the date of the reservation, including the date he made it proved that the affair didn’t end when he said it did, thus sparking an even greater distrust. So yeah. Even if they were being honest and transparent, they probably went to great lengths of hiding and further deceiving the chump to get there. Which isn’t really honesty. It’s just covering the shit, hoping the stench isn’t detected by the chump.

Star Tingover
Star Tingover
5 years ago
Reply to  FSTL

I guess I am fortunate in that I only experienced one day of discovery. (Whether or not there was only ONE affair during the course of our 12 and 1/2-year relationship (married 8 and 1/2 years) is unknown and also unimportant.) So, while it took me a few weeks to pick myself up off of the floor and get my head together and move forward with the divorce, the continued communication between my former spouse and his MOW (and co-worker) reaffirmed my decision to file. They are now married so I clearly made the right decision to skip the “pick me dance.”

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
5 years ago
Reply to  Star Tingover

I’m willing to bet good money there is no way it was only one incident of cheating…. unless X barely started puberty when DDay hit. These personality and character disorders are set during the preschool years????????????

AwakeningDreamer
AwakeningDreamer
5 years ago

Specific Age and Gender Features
Narcissistic traits may be particularly common in adolescents and do not necessarily indicate that the individual till go on to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder may have special difficulties adjusting to the onset of physical and occupational limitations that are inherant in the aging process. Of those diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, 50%-75% are male.

Translated, that means that while kids will exhibit narcissism, they aren’t necessarily mentally ill.
Most shrinks try not to diagnose until the age 18, as a general rule, as that provides enough time to track a “pattern of relevance” as evidence of diagnosis.

Vastra
Vastra
5 years ago

The DSM criteria don’t allow a personality disorder diagnosis until 18. There’s lots of room for people to mature and mellow throughout life through numerous influences including parents, teachers, school etc. I’d be wary of saying these disorders are destined from early years, unless you’re dealing with extreme behaviour eg significant cruelty to animals

Nveragain
Nveragain
5 years ago

Really? Set during preschool years? Is that a fact?!!!!

SheChump
SheChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Nveragain

That stunned me.
It made me wonder if he was cheating when he married me!
Annnd….I think SO!

bleh

Zell
Zell
5 years ago
Reply to  FSTL

It’s creepy how they lie with a straight face. I realize now 10 months out that it’s kind of serial killer kind of stuff. Creeps the hell out of me now.

PrisonChump
PrisonChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Zell

Yup ex is most certainly a sociopath. Not all cheaters are sociopaths and not all sociopaths are serial killers. But now that I have space and can reflect on some of the shit he did, he definitely is in my book. I wonder sometimes if we as a society are dealing with an epidemic of narcissists and phycos?

GratefullyDivorcedDad
GratefullyDivorcedDad
5 years ago
Reply to  Zell

Zell,
Same here. The creepiest times were when I KNEW she was lying and I was pretty certain she knew that I knew. I just remember those blank eyes. Psychopathic.

Newme
Newme
5 years ago
Reply to  Zell

YES Zell, mine could look me right in the eye and not blink, “no, I am not seeing that women anymore” two minutes later, texting her about getting a BJ!

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
5 years ago
Reply to  Newme

Wuhl geez, he said he wasn’t *seeing* her. As in, I don’t see her with my eyeballs when I text her!

Word parsing, paltering, trickle-truthing. Blech.

Ms Sherlock
Ms Sherlock
5 years ago
Reply to  FSTL

After D-day (found out having bugged his car … oops – didn’t realise bugging was illegal) he wanted me to sign a ‘gagging order’ that I wouldn’t tell anyone, so he could sue me if I did … threatened libel/slander action in the courts …. everything he could think of to save his ‘I’m-a-decent-chap’ face!!

Note to cheaters – never corner a chump! I found determination I didn’t know I had and hired a PI to follow him, got the evidence (legally this time) and then filed for divorce … all within 3 weeks of D-day. Knowing I could honestly tell anyone I wanted about his affair and he could no longer control me was the first step on my new life.

I recommend doing what you need to stop the cheater being able to control your life and then move on ????

AC
AC
5 years ago
Reply to  Ms Sherlock

I wonder if it’s illegal to bug your own car, when STBX is the primary driver.

My cheater used my old pickup truck as his work truck. The truck was always in my name, and I paid for it myself. But when I bought a new car I let him use the truck instead of selling it.

It sure would have brought things to light sooner if I’d put a GPS and a bug in that truck.

Born Free
Born Free
5 years ago
Reply to  Ms Sherlock

Oh ha a “gagging order” sounds more appropriate for the AP .. no?

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago
Reply to  FSTL

Yep. A certain amount of checking makes sense. It’s both stronger and sure when you confront instead of accuse. It’s easier to sidestep the gaslighting when what you’ve seen is crystal clear.

After that, though, it’s self-harm to stay and check. Yet I still understand why people do it — I did, so I, personally, shy away from telling them to stop. We are all ready when we are ready, and not before. Yet we also all need all the messages, so I’m not saying others shouldn’t tell those folks to stop.

You and CL are both spot on. It can take over your thinking, which steals precious bandwidth from the other thinking your soul needs you to do.

ozziechump
ozziechump
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

It’s so hard to stop your ex from renting your headspace during the gaslighting; deceit and dishonesty. I used my best lady detective skills to bust them so there were no more lies; no more games. I busted them in our food van parked in the local swamp; she was naked! She has a few monikers – LOL Legs Open Lucy, Swamp Slut or Pond Scum. My adult children call her the Swamp Fanny Flasher. She was the MOW! The trophy wife with the trophy life & the trophy house. The house has been sold and she has lost family friends and the respect of her children. All for some manual manoeuvres and horizontal fun with a washed up workaholic viagra risen limp dicked old man 23 years older than her. Yes I know I will never understand stupidity on a grand scale! Thank you for my freedom!

Vastra
Vastra
5 years ago
Reply to  ozziechump

Ozziechump that’s awful but you paint such a beautifully squalid scene – trophy MOW naked in the food van at the swamp!

KathleenK
KathleenK
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I had opposite scenario as well. X installed small cameras in the garage so he would get an email alert when I drove into the garage. He didn’t want to be caught doing his Live Cam or Skype sessions with various men and women.
I think fondly of that naive woman walking in, “Hi honey I’m home!” She was a chump and that’s all over now and I am glad.

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I had the opposite scenario. My cheater had spyware on my phone so she could keep tabs on me while our minister was with her “planting the seeds of Christianity.”

chump-pin
chump-pin
5 years ago

This sounds like projection. I’m cheating, so they must be too. I’d better keep an eye on them.

That would destroy the uneven power balance they love so much, wouldn’t it? And, they aren’t receiving all the kibbles?! We can’t have that!

My wife was constantly accusing me of cheating and not being transparent. And she accused me of planting a keylogger on her phone. No, you’re just really bad at knowing what’s uploading from your phone onto the family computer.

Anna
Anna
5 years ago
Reply to  chump-pin

Oh my… what about “ well yes, I have pics of naked women on my laptop, but you are the one at home, alone and I don’t know if you are cheating on me or not”

Right.

CarryOnMyWaywardNerdGirl
CarryOnMyWaywardNerdGirl
5 years ago
Reply to  chump-pin

My X was hoping to catch me cheating so he could blame me and get to bail. Ah impression management. It never even occurred to me that he might be tracking my phone or web-browsing. I hope it frustrated the hell out of him that I was totally on the level with my actions and movements 😀

JK
JK
5 years ago

Mine used to make random calls to me at work for no real reason. If she could not reach me on my direct line, she’d call my cell, then my assistant, and then my boss. She was making sure I was where I was supposed to be so she could be sure she was safe meeting her affair partners. This was always a mystery to me until years later when I reviewed her cell phone bills. The pattern was obvious.

unicornomore
unicornomore
5 years ago
Reply to  JK

I was a bedside nurse for years but was promoted to a job where I had my own office and phone. The hospital (unknown to me) blocked all outgoing numbers from caller ID.

I called nowdeadcheater from my work phone and started talking to him in the normal familiar way spouses speak to each other and he yelled (very nervously)”who is this?”

Do you know, I was too obtuse to recognize that it was signs of cheating (facepalm)

A few months later when I was getting the laundry list of my failings, he said “For God sake, you were calling me on blocked numbers!!” yes, I suppose that is a problem if you are a cheater

FeralBlue
FeralBlue
5 years ago
Reply to  JK

Lovely that not only were you subjected to that shit show, but she subjected your assistant and boss to it as well.

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
5 years ago

“while our minister was with her “planting the seeds of Christianity.”

Eeeeewwwwww! That makes my skin crawl!

I also had a Jesus cheater who used prostitutes. I’m sure you were told the problem was your lack of Christian forgiveness. A Jesus cheater favorite!

Lucky
Lucky
5 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Plus one for the Jesus Cheater.

I guess he had all the God Points which gave him a”free pass” to be with MOW who was also ordained.

No need for spy ware – embarrassingly public…..

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
5 years ago

My exh2 did that too, had all kinds of spyware crap on me, but he was the one cheating, running around, etc.
Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover it.

That Is Not A Thing
That Is Not A Thing
5 years ago

Super, hope you have a nice, boring Friday full of chick flicks, a warm meal, and oh my god, I hadn’t known about the reverse spyware thing in your story. Lordy.

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
5 years ago

Ahhh…yes. I shall be buying a Field & Stream mag today to read while being tortured tomorrow morning in the waiting room of a nail salon.

But, no worries. I shall be accompanied to a junkyard later in search of a front grill for a ’68 Chevy I am restoring.

Hope you are doing well.

CarryOnMyWaywardNerdGirl
CarryOnMyWaywardNerdGirl
5 years ago

Super, what’s the car?

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
5 years ago

SuoerDuper,
My cheating ex-husband spied on me although so never spied on him.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago

Now that’s an interesting twist. LOL

Mitz
Mitz
5 years ago
Reply to  FSTL

They are professional LIARS

Callisto
Callisto
5 years ago

I did the keylogger thing. It helped me to figure out that I wasn’t going crazy (gaslighting is the worst ever). It also helped me protect my son as the ex and his “just a work friend” had plans to sneak him away.

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
5 years ago
Reply to  Callisto

Its so unbelievable how many cheaters and “friends” plot to steal children away. Its funny because my cheater has had little to no contact with his child since d-day. I wonder what these cheaters would do once they managed to sneak their children off. My guess is call their mom to come get them after an hour or two.

Dr. Chumpdork
Dr. Chumpdork
5 years ago
Reply to  Callisto

I regret waiting a couple of months before i went full NSA on my ex, I had worried that I was being a terrible paranoid husband. Paranoia turned out to be correct I am a tech geek, I wrote a key logging program, got her email password and discovered years of affair correspondence.

Thank goodness I did it, she knew I had copies of all those emails, I could stop her half truthing by quoting parts of emails.

Anna
Anna
5 years ago
Reply to  Dr. Chumpdork

Looking for a side job? Lol
Gaslighting and lies delivered with a straight face and look of hurt/ innocence… ????

SheChump
SheChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Dr. Chumpdork

Wow, that is pretty hurtful.
I guess, as they say about hiring a PI, be prepared for what you WILL find out.
Years is a long time for deceit.

No doubt you scared her with what you knew.
I got quite a few up on the X and I heard him fall over on the phone when I told him I’d been tracking him for 2 yrs. (we had just divorced)

:::Sweet:::

PatienceIMustHave
PatienceIMustHave
5 years ago
Reply to  Dr. Chumpdork

Are you for hire? As a chump looking for the proof so I can file, I’d love to have a key logger, but no way I’d ever get access to his phone or computer…..

Lioness
Lioness
5 years ago
Reply to  Callisto

I constantly checked his phone. Off course he got a new touch tone and had it locked. Can’t remember how but I got the password. In the early stages I was checking and accidentally dialed – his boss. Twice!!! I mean within minutes. Imagine his puzzlement when the boss questioned him! And then him questioning me. It was stupid because I did not master the use of his phone yet. ok spying makes us do crazy things. It makes us look like the crazy one. I have to laugh at all the effort it took calling the office to see if he is really there, listening on the phone for background noises or hearing a woman’s voice when I call him and he says he was on the road.
What kind of life is that constantly having to check up. I am eight months cheater free (actually living apart) and my BP has gone down quite a bit. Live and improve your life- just for you!
Love and hugs to all.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago
Reply to  Lioness

It makes it easier for the gaslighter to make you look crazy. Actually, though, it makes you look like exactly what you are — a person who is moving from chump to threat — from passivity to strength. After that, it’s what you do with what you learn that really counts.

Rebecca
Rebecca
5 years ago

I never did the marriage police but those gadgets would have been very helpful during the divorce!

The effort it took in trying to determine where each of them was living or what cars, homes or businesses were owned was exhausting (and I’m really good at finding things!). That was time and effort I could have invested in me.

Lots of detective work and digging got me a great deal but I walked away from SO much. A keylogger could have translated into ???? and financial security in my old age.

PathOfTotality
PathOfTotality
5 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

In the pre-gadget era, I busted my ex-husband with a very simple *69 redial on our cordless phone. I strongly suspected he had something going on with an opera-singing mountain bike chick with fake boobs; they went riding together all the time (and hung out at our pool when I wasn’t home). So I asked him to stop riding with her. One morning the phone rang and I heard him speaking in a soft, tender voice; he hung up when I came in the room. ‘Who was that?’ I asked. ‘My friend Rich.’ I did the redial and, of course, she answered the phone. So low tech, but so effective.

Chump no mo
Chump no mo
5 years ago

A detective said “not one client who suspected cheating was wrong, if u suspect it -they’re probably doing it.”

TorontoChump
TorontoChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Chump no mo

Here’s the thing, though… I have a really wonderful ex-boyfriend who ~ unfortunately ~ now has a fiancee who used to be “the other woman” for a married man with two tiny children, eventually got “accidentally pregnant;” the married man left his wife and married her (then cheated on her: total shocker, right?). Having been the other woman, herself, she has had all kinds of experience with sneaking around and constantly accuses my lovely ex-boyfriend (I am absolutely positive he is faithful to her: he’s a good guy with strong values) of cheating, himself. He is totally transparent, excuses all her accusations and suspicions bc she was chumped, accepts her going through his phone etc. So, not all who believe they’re being cheated on are correct… sometimes, they just have enough personal history of being sneaky and dishonest, they imagine everyone else must be, too.

NotMehYet2
NotMehYet2
5 years ago
Reply to  TorontoChump

I often think about this as well. How does my ExWhore’s AP deal with the fact she’s a known cheater. With him. I mean she knows what she did right? So does he so they must be suspicious of each other.

Your ex boyfriend is of course different as he’s an honest chap but a cheater and a cheatee? Every time their phone goes they must be like a cat on a hot time roof. Or a night out with the Girls,lads, co workers. How can you sleep knowing what you did?

And my exwhore’s AP is deft at hiding his digital signal. That itself is a red flag.

Bugger living like that.

AwakeningDreamer
AwakeningDreamer
5 years ago
Reply to  NotMehYet2

What is hiding a digital signal?

NotMehYet2
NotMehYet2
5 years ago

Removing your online presence. Social media etc so that there is very little of your personal life online. That’s a red flag of someone with something g to hide.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
5 years ago
Reply to  TorontoChump

Tell your boyfriend to look up “narcissistic projection”… she may be projecting on to him what she is doing… my X accused me of cheating because he knew he was…

TorontoChump
TorontoChump
5 years ago

Exactly. I know that we innocent chumps shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss our gut feelings that alert us to our partners cheating. But… I also hesitate to say that all who accuse of cheating are correct: sometimes it’s paranoia born of having been a cheater, oneself; sometimes it’s a control issue; etc.

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
5 years ago

Yup, that was also about the time that he said I was. “Liar”, huh? He found some stupid bill that I had rounded up on for the purchase of 4 tires from Costco as the example(I had paid the bill, by the way).
I was so blindsided, hurt and mostly perplexed.
Never figured that out till much later.
He was the one that was lying.
Listen to what they say, listen, and talk less.
Saw him last month after 1 year, and I blatantly recognized 5 lies. So slick.
Never could catch them back then.
Wish I had my Nardar better back then!

TheFooledTwiceDad
TheFooledTwiceDad
5 years ago
Reply to  Chump no mo

So true! I had that “gut feeling.” Obviously my wife denied it. But things just didn’t feel or sit right.

ChumpNoMo
ChumpNoMo
5 years ago
Reply to  Chump no mo

This. If you suspect it, they are. Your spouse shouldn’t be doing anything that makes you feel that way…and they shouldn’t be defensive if you confront on the weird behavior.

I never spied with keyloggers, trackers etc. But I did have a time when I checked incessantly. It was not a good thing for my psyche. Even when I didn’t see anything, it didn’t make me feel better. The damage was done, even if he was clean as a whistle afterwards.

PS, love the name 🙂

Ever_the_Empath
Ever_the_Empath
5 years ago
Reply to  Chump no mo

how it sucks? money spent, first on surveillance stuff then the PI. time spent- late for work every morning because I’m going through files and setting stuff up after he leaves for work. feeling stressed all th time wondering if it’s working, will he discover it? will it capture what I need to know? what will I miss on the day I have to charge batteries ? and then the adrenaline rush and anxiety as I look to see what was recorded- Im sure wrecked havoc on my body. best thing I did was hire the PI and get the pictures of actual physical contact once and for all, so I could finally leave knowing I wasn’t imagining things.

sweetChumpgirl
sweetChumpgirl
5 years ago

I noticed the signs of glitter on his collar, the missed phone calls, the password changes, singing “Gotta Have Faith” on his guitar and manscaping (all of a sudden). I didn’t need spyware to know this wasn’t my husband anymore. 4 days after dday and kicking him out I filed. Best investment I ever did for myself! Xo sweet

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
5 years ago
Reply to  sweetChumpgirl

Ditto…manscaping!! Never before then suddenly i was disgusting because i wouldn’t go brasilian. Then the pompous attitude at my daily failings like i didnt read a book every week or horror of horrors liked to wear pjs watching tv in the evening. … now i feel doubly betrayed that i was confusedly trying to impress him with mending my non existent faults because it was all about devaluation and no one can ever win by then.

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
5 years ago
Reply to  Whodoesthat

Also heard that manscaping is a pathetic effort to make it look longer. Instant ego kibbles.

AC
AC
5 years ago
Reply to  sweetChumpgirl

“You gotta have faith.” Yep. I heard that too whenever the alcoholic launched another get-rich-quick scheme.

Then he blamed me for not supporting him as he charged full steam ahead, damn the expenses.

Better Alone
Better Alone
5 years ago
Reply to  sweetChumpgirl

OMG, the manscaping…. Mine did that too, out of the blue, without any prompt from me… And would leave me the clean-up… Barf 🙁

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
5 years ago
Reply to  sweetChumpgirl

Yes! You are mighty! Mine was an imposter, too. Very lazy and unmotivated, he started working out, eating right, had a spring in his step and energy in the bedroom. Totally. Not. My. Husband. Such a cheater. He loved living a double life. Not anymore. Well, at least not with me!

JeanM
JeanM
5 years ago

NWHI; oh yes, the imposter; fake and fraud.
Teeth whitening, losing weight, no interest in family:
So very very true to form..
I still hope the “fuck” has another heart attack at croaks..
Cause he sucks. I dont need the trust its a fact…????

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
5 years ago
Reply to  JeanM

OMG the teeth whitening, you triggered me! Ugh

brit
brit
5 years ago
Reply to  Letitsnow

Teeth whitening, manscaping and spending hours in the magnified mirror trimming his eyebrows, sideburns and mustache, more time at the gym.
Quite the change from before when I’d plead with him to trim his out of control eyebrows and nasal hair.

He hated shopping and would laugh at people at the gym who dressed in name brand gym clothes. When he suddenly came home with bags of trendy new gym clothes I thought it was odd. Definitely out of character. I had read that this was something Cheaters do, but being the Chump I am, thought he wasn’t that kind of guy.

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago
Reply to  brit

same here, + my then-H started buying Diesel jeans in his 50s.

chump-pin
chump-pin
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

That is sad. Did he also start wearing hats backwards like a basic bro? Pathetic.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Douchebag

Tracy
Tracy
5 years ago

I had come to possess my husbands phone ( long story, very funny, but incriminating still).
Once I opened his phone…it was a Licking, chasing me around the house naked buffet of text messages.
It also had his email…which while divorcing provided me with every plot he and ghetto whore were plotting. It came in handy when thwarting his attempts to file full custody of our 17 year old daughter, showing her future Ex husband their plans to move his sons out of state….the list goes on.
My Ex installed cameras in our house ( he had me evicted to more in his ghetto whore…another long story) which found me on tape taking my Dyson vacuum…also moving 7 car loads of my belongings…sipping coffee watching the sun rise on our beautiful front porch overlooking our 70 acre farm.
I’m not above using any and all devices to document cheating and use it to your advantage to take every dime you can from the Lickalotta. Or perhaps putting those text messages on a Pinterest page with his name attached so when you Google his name….his cheating is there for all to read.

chump-pin
chump-pin
5 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

The Dyson is also mine! And you look very attractive, Tracy. Your husband is an idiot.

repulsedandbreathless
repulsedandbreathless
5 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

@TRACY

God bless you ,dear , such a funny post .

Creativerational
Creativerational
5 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

He really wants you to appreciate his hoovering, and leave the dyson for him to use.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
5 years ago

And that is one thing we always can trust “sucks”

JamLady
JamLady
5 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

The Dyson … LOL! I took mine, too, during one of the two opportunities I had to get my things, and he called the police on me for taking it!

I, too, played marriage police and it was exhausting. In hindsight I’d do things very differently; it’s just not worth the emotional toll.

So glad to be free from the drama, and happily vacuuming! ????

Attie
Attie
5 years ago
Reply to  JamLady

Kidnapping a Dyson is a serious offence. Especially if you cross State lines. Shame on you!

Zell
Zell
5 years ago
Reply to  Attie

A Dyson is more dependable and productive than a cheating spouse.

Matthew Kimber
Matthew Kimber
5 years ago
Reply to  Zell

Sucks less too!

Pret
Pret
5 years ago

I checked everything… but unfortunately I was married to an IT guy. An IT guy who wanted to get caught because DDay #1 was upon discovery of a receipt in his wallet. I checked his phone,back pack, his work notebooks, pants pockets, jacket pockets, wallet, through books he had on his shelves, medicine cabinet, car, scraps of paper in the garbage. DDay #2 was through his phone and DDay # 3 was in person. I will never forget the relief I felt the moment I made the decision to stop being the marriage police or the marriage anything for that matter. As cliche as it sounds, I really and truly felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulder. I was slowly killing myself everyday by frantically searching through his stuff. It was like I was having an out of body experience because I knew everything he had was either on his phone, his tablet or his computer- all of which were password protected despite my many pleas for transparency- chumpy much? Thank you CL you made me see the light.

K
K
5 years ago
Reply to  Pret

Pret, SAME. I knew there was something, and drove myself nuts checking, and like you, knew it was all on his phone. The day I got his phones, it revealed everything I knew was there and more. What I learned was that if I get to that point again, I just need to go. Locked in that death grip of having to prove it felt so awful. I also felt that sense of relief…retired from the marriage police.

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
5 years ago

Began being the marriage police in 2012, when I thought he was having a mid life crisis and my therapist suggested an affair. Of course I believed that he would never do that! His phone (a Blackberry at the time) was always locked. Unfortunately learned that entering in the wrong password too many times will wipe out the phone, and I was much too nice to do that! Fast forward to September 2015 and I became the divorce police as he filed. Will take forever to come to terms with the extent of his deception, cheating, stealing and life of lies. I do understand that he sucks and HE will continue with his life that sucks. I’m not “meh” yet, just “eww” and yuck.

LiveForToday
LiveForToday
5 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

I erased his phone. He was so pissed.

Kez
Kez
5 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

Omg.., the blackberry bloody phones. Could never work the damn thing out.
The OW made him get an iPhone….????

SheChump
SheChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Kez

Same here! Ooooh, can’t touch the Blackberry (I was his assistant at work). Now, I used to send messages for him while we were driving, but oooh, suddenly, no – it was password protected . This has got to be the biggest Red Flag for cheating that I know of. He used to HATE the phone and I was the one who got him up to speed with technology as I knew it would really help him with work. We could be driving down the road and I’d text messages to his clients. So, Silly me, insisting he learn a little more about communicating…
Asshole.

Doingme
Doingme
5 years ago

Agent 99 here. Being a spy is a lonely way of life. I have boxes of data sealed as evidence.

It was a relief when my therapist told me I could stop and believe. I had all the evidence I needed. He actually said I like being single and it was always about the thrill of the chase.

That’s what I was hanging onto-as serial cheater, pathological liar, sociopath. The std testing for HIV and his getting treatment for an STD was the dropping off point. He was dating multiple women according to his phone records. There were hotel receipts and I tracked down the winner.

Filing for divorce took half an hour and a final year of hell. It was well worth it to get him out of my life.

Born Free
Born Free
5 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

He said “I like being single and the thrill of the chase”? What a heartless bastard.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
5 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Yes! I knew for sure but couldn’t actually process my next step once all of my spying culminated in busting them IRL (which I do NOT recommend)!

I read CL’s book Leave a Cheater Gain a Life. Yeah, umm, filing for divorce is the next step. Duh. I did NOT want to do that but forged ahead anyway. It was the only option. Also, sought therapy – I was in shock from all that evidence my superb snooping yielded. Yikes!

Ugh no...
Ugh no...
5 years ago

I had to get extra crafty as my ex was so tech savvy he could erase nearly everything I could’ve used. So my friends and I went full on George Smiley and Control level with the collecting evidence and turning observers into assets. Honestly, I was shocked at the number of people willing to spill. He wasn’t perfect, when I seemed pacified and looked to be working towards reconciliation he got a little sloppy and I was able to copy and save text messages and emails he hadn’t had a chance to delete.
Weird thing is, now apparently his affair partner is employing the same Spy techniques to try and catch him behaving badly on her watch. When he picks up the kids I get an earful about how off kilter he’s keeping her by not answering her “crazy” questions . And how I should tighten my privacy settings on the few social media accounts I have because according to him she’s “obsessed with his old life and how she thinks he can’t leave it behind”
Sadly, he just likes to play the game, no matter who he has in the primary manipulation seat.
Thank god I can at least nod, smile, and say “ok” while I pack our suitcases for the next fun adventure the kids and I will be enjoying without his killjoy ass next week.
Such a pleasure to hand in my Marital FBI investigative badge, but shaking my head that the games continue with new players.

Born Free
Born Free
5 years ago
Reply to  Ugh no...

Love the Smiley reference!

Lifeisgood
Lifeisgood
5 years ago

I played marriage police too long. They just get smarter and find alternative methods. They have shitty character at the end of the day.

Check their phone log, they get a burner phone. Bank statement, they use cash. Check the mail, they put a stop mail on delivery.. and on and on.

One day I just flipped the switch after yet another slip up and said, “you know, at this point I really don’t care what you do. You can bring home Betsy Lou or Silly Sandra and fuck them on the dining room table at noon. I no longer wish to be your wife.”

I started making actions towards separations on that day. My world started improving immediately.

Epiphany30
Epiphany30
5 years ago
Reply to  Lifeisgood

Ha! I loved your post. I want to get to that point of no longer caring. I need to get to that point…

wcchump
wcchump
5 years ago
Reply to  Lifeisgood

Beware the cheater who complains about the complications of technologh, especially their own devices. The cheater was great at playing “dumb” when in fact he was a master.

wildcat
wildcat
5 years ago
Reply to  Lifeisgood

And yes, same experience here, the more stealthy I got with being a detective, the better the cheater got at spinning the lies and deception.

I looked at phone records, found hundreds of calls and texts to and from the AP #1, I never had the password on his phone, but looked at google searches on our computer and saw the usual porn related things, but also, “how to beat the ‘Find My Iphone’ App.”

I was putting some clothes in the dryer and a fitness club key card dropped out with AP’s name on it. I was putting something away in his closet and a lavender colored card in a clear storage box caught my eye. He kept love letters from other AP’s in our home. He lied about every “business” trip he made for two years. One time, I even called his room at the hotel at 1am – and of course there was no answer.

I agree with an earlier post. You can be a detective for awhile as you gather proof, but then once you have it, you need to stop. It only makes you crazy in the end. Spend your energies getting your ducks in a row and getting out.

violet
violet
5 years ago
Reply to  Lifeisgood

It was a burner phone on the seat of X’s car (after DDay when X was swearing “it” was over) that told me everything I needed to know. I didn’t even need to see the call log to know why that phone was there. Done and done. I will say X was horrible at hiding his cheating, and OW definitely wanted me to know about their cheating, as she believed it was X was her golden ticket. I do not believe it is unusual for APs to “make sure” we find out.

lemonbirch
lemonbirch
5 years ago
Reply to  violet

I knew a woman who cheated with a high-dollar Dickhead, a urologist to be exact, and he left his wife and kids and married her, then died of prostate cancer (#KarmaYes). She then started dating another married doctor and … a couple of years later …. called and told his wife about the affair. Wife said: “Meh.” No divorce.

Born Free
Born Free
5 years ago
Reply to  lemonbirch

Hilarious.
“You’re screwing my husband? Whatever for … he’s such a bore in bed. Well enjoy!”

SheChump
SheChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Born Free

Born Free and Violet – perfect!
I always thought that anybody who had an affair with my husband would be a fool. He was never interested in pleasing a woman in any way. But, there’s always a sucker out there for his money, as it turns out. He also got cancer and had his prostate removed right when they moved in together…(during our divorce).

Creativerational
Creativerational
5 years ago
Reply to  Lifeisgood

Yep. There’s always a way to chump a chump.

I read another blog where the man was disinterested and dangling divorce and his wife was always working on improving herself and I was like ‘dude… get his phone. Somethings weird’ and sure enough he’s been having an affair with some Thai tour guide they met years ago, looking into the fiancé visa thing, sending this woman thousands of dollars. The blog writer had mentioned reasons she never thought he could have been cheating- where was the time where was the opportunity ? Oh… that time he went to China without her, that time he muddled some money info to make assets disappear… she’s at home raising their two autistic sons and a daughter and two grown kids are already done, and he keeps her on a leash for years telling her she’s the reason he’s unhappy. I’m all for spying for discovery. But he’s always going to find a way to hide what he wants.

Em
Em
5 years ago

“Espionage and love are incompatible. If you need to spy on someone, you don’t trust them. Your actions are saying you believe they are the sort of person who would stab you in the back (because… oh hey… they actually did that…) We don’t spy on people we like or RESPECT. We spy on enemies. It’s sneaky and underhanded… kind of like cheating.”

BINGO X 1000000000000

Moose
Moose
5 years ago

I think my lowest point was when he was having minor surgery – scanning his phone the entire time for messages from the skank and then as he’s coming off the anesthesia, trying to catch him saying her name instead of mine.

Of course, chumpyass me cried all the way into his surgery, professing my love for him and then waiting on his ass hand and foot two weeks after that.

Hindsight has a way of revealing how twisted they are…and how manipulated we were. Never again.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
5 years ago
Reply to  Moose

Last year, between January 1st and April 6th (Abandonment Day) my fuckwit went on a healthcare tornado. Full physical, bloodwork, knee surgery with me playing nursemaid, and physical therapy for same. I thought he was on a nearing-50 health conscious kick, but he was simply using my work-provided healthcare to the maximum while he was still in the house, and using ME to take care of his nursing needs. All planned as the way to squeeze all he could out of me while still around the house. I was of use to him. Until I wasn’t.

And he also got a pile of percosets with that knee surgery as well as some muscle relaxant thing prescribed for a strange bought of hiccups brought on by the anesthesia. He liked to take all of those fun drugs with booze and kept asking me to take them “for fun” too; I never did, add that to the long long list of why I was such a drag to be married to. I asked him what the hell was wrong with him but he just gaslighted and said it was “not a thing, no big deal” like I was just a square old wet blanket.

Months later, post-poofing, he offered a perc to our youngest daughter’s college friend while at a house party RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER (playing Cool Dad, it totally backfired). That was one of those moments where my daughter figured out she was smarter than her dad. By a lot. Both daughters have now stood up to their father and made sure he knows they are disgusted by him and do not want a relationship based on his lies.

The guy lost his fucking mind. And he lost his family, too.

Sausalito
Sausalito
5 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

Now I.C., my cheater used to do the same thing with the pain killers and alcohol, almost every weekend. He continued to get the prescription refilled long after his pain was gone so he could “have a little fun on the weekend.” Which meant sitting on the couch watching TV at a loud volume until 2 a.m., and then sleeping most of the next day. Ugh.

SheChump
SheChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

I.C. I’m incredibly sorry. A father trying to ruin his daughter’s life and futures by introducing them to opiods….as a ‘fun’ tool? He should be locked up.

Mitz
Mitz
5 years ago
Reply to  Moose

My ex had had a heart attack and was on the hospital phone to his OW between my visits to him. Meanwhile he had told me he had been a jerk in life and was now a new man. Not. I hardly knew my own name the confusion was so bad.

Creativerational
Creativerational
5 years ago

Strangely (rationally?) or kismet, or because my brain knew before I really knew, I already read chump lady before I discovered the panties. I found it delightful and inspiring and strong. But that would never be me, I was adored…. Facepalm.

Once I had found said panties, I looked at credit card bills, and cell phone bills. The cell phone had records for years, calling and messaging everyone in the city on ‘backpage’ and other escort sites. I created a masterful colour coded spreadsheet of when I was gone (on business paying for his retail/school going ass) (or taking his sisters kids camping) and when he was just blatantly sitting across from me looking at other women’s tits and ass and telling me he was just too tired for sex…. the one that really fucked me up, confirming it wasn’t just pictures and fantasy was the STD clinic call. I was such a fool.

I had read about being the marriage police. I have a panic disorder and I am already a basket case. I had no desire to look at his bills and his phone and his computer post discovery with the intent of checking up on him. And after years and years of fooling me, what are the chances that I- the Luddite who can’t be bothered to learn to download and doesn’t give a crap about technology- would be able to surpass all the tricks available. During this ‘lining up ducks’ phase it was the only way to convince myself that he was terrible. And to realize that wasn’t what I always wanted to be thinking about.

Jodi Lynch
Jodi Lynch
5 years ago

I never had to play the marriage police. I was too busy trying to be the good wife and give him the space he had asked for. After so many years of his drinking and me trying to ‘fix’ him, one day he announced he was quitting drinking and joining AA. I was so happy for him. Then the AA meetings he was going to got weird. He would leave early and arrive home late. I never felt so alone ~ he was changing big time and I was ostracized from his life.

Months after his joining AA he suddenly announced he was moving out to a small cottage that an AA member owned so he could get his head together and embrace the ‘sober’ life. Said he couldn’t work on us until he ‘fixed’ him. Still I was supportive.

Months went by with me never hearing a word from him. No phone calls saying I miss you or I love you, why don’t you come over for a bit? Nothing. One day I saw his truck at a strange house. The truck was there all weekend long. I called him asking if he had moved there. The reply was that he was fixing a fence for his landlord who was out of town and was staying there while mending the fence and I was a jealous bitch. Uh huh. But I told him I would give him the benefit of the doubt by trusting him as I always had done. He replied, thank you.

The next day I was in a rental car and he did not see me. I saw him ~ and the blonde in the front seat next to him sprawled all over him. I called asking who the blonde was. Finally he told me it was the landlord. When I pressed for answers I was told they were having an affair and had been for some time. I asked for the keys to the house and garage door opener as I didn’t feel as I could trust him anymore. I still wanted him to realize he was going thru something and I would help him. We had been friends for 30 years.

No, I was discarded like a bag of trash at the curb. He filed for divorce the next day. We were divorced on Halloween about 9 months later.

Now he is living with his landlord in her house. They run the local AA meetings together here. I still don’t have any answers from him. I don’t need them anymore. He is a liar and a cheat and she is welcome to him.

Tessie
Tessie
5 years ago
Reply to  Jodi Lynch

Yep, that’s where cheater ex found his schmoopie. She was screwing her way through the group trying to get to the most solvent guy she could hook. She dumped cheater ex after she sucked as much money as she could get from him. After the kids and I left, he quit his well paying job to work as a janitor so he could pay the minimum child support possible. She told him he didn’t make enough money to keep her.

Definitely tru luv.

Langele
Langele
5 years ago
Reply to  Jodi Lynch

Glad to read what chumpiness looks like.
I can’t see my own story but I can sure see it in others’ stories.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago
Reply to  Jodi Lynch

Sadly, nearly every person I know whose spouse entered such treatment ended up with that spouse cheating with someone they met in group, often the leader.

One particularly juicy example: A therapist I stopped seeing years ago because she wasn’t a good match for me later ended up losing her LCSW license because she dated, then married, someone who attended the AA group she ran. When the marriage broke down, he reported her for having a relationship with a patient — which, of course, she had, and that’s a no-no. In that case I wasn’t friends with either of them, but it made it clear why I was so uncomfortable with her in the first place.

I am not unsupportive of people seeking treatment. I am clear, though, that affars are common in the treatment model – addicts are attracted to other addicts because they understand and easily accept one another’s most destructive traits, the model is designed to provide them lots of time together that nobody else is allowed to ask about, and they tend to be programmed to deceive their families and friends to protect the supply of instant gratification.

It’s easy math, really.

Creativerational
Creativerational
5 years ago
Reply to  Jodi Lynch

This makes me think of the song ‘Crutch’ by matchbox twenty. The discard sounds gut wrenching but it sounds like he is probably insane co-dependant and they are using each other as their new drug of choice. Gross.

chutesandladders
chutesandladders
5 years ago

Warning: you may want to not be eating as you read the following:

After another weekend spent “mowing the lawn” (alone) at the home his parents left us and his sister on Cape Cod, he brought a bag of trash home and put it in our garage. As soon as he left, I took that bag and brought it to the local park, where I “inspected” it item by item.

They had a party. There were receipts from grocery and liquor stores, dirty paper plates and napkins, and empty chip bags. And dirty tampons. And condoms.

My epiphany moment came to me as a hard slap across my shocked and grossed-out being: “WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?!”

Marriage police/garbage inspector was my low point. After that, I worked hard to rid my house of the toxic waste that was my husband.

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
5 years ago

I actually understand this. I will do anything to get the truth when I know it’s being withheld from me.
One day after DDay, my ex said he was going for a hike. He then put on a nice shirt and took the new puppy, who he never exercised.
I knew where he was going and I went to the newlywed coworkers house 15 minutes later. Guess what?
His response, “ I wasn’t going there for sex – I just wanted to show her the puppy that we talk about all the time at work”
What they don’t realize is that this is our lives they are fucking around with.
Made him take the puppy with him when he moved out.

Creativerational
Creativerational
5 years ago

Having a midlife crisis is not permission to be a complete fuckwit. And most of these tossers start well before and never stop, so where’s the mid. They just have life crisis. As in they’re doing it wrong. As in they’re idiots.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago

They ARE the crisis. 🙂

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
5 years ago

Creativerational i totally agree!!!

GratefullyDivorcedDad
GratefullyDivorcedDad
5 years ago

I’ll fully admit to serving a stint in the Marriage Police Force. No regrets. It helped me to get past my own tendency toward disbelief at that time and see through the lies and misinformation. It gave me concrete evidence of exactly the kind of disordered fuckwit I was dealing with. Rather than waste my time in false reconciliation, it forced me to conclude I was dealing with someone with a deep character disorder, incapable of change. Done and done.

champchump
champchump
5 years ago

I’m with you, Gratefully. I’m actually a big proponent of spying on the cheater.

There is all too often a major gap, both psychological and temporal, between KNOWING that they suck and TRUSTING they suck. The gap is filled with swirling doubts, fears, hope, self-doubt, and denial that make it difficult to move on, dump a cheater, and get a life.

Uncovering the facts as much as I could greatly assisted in gaining the strength and resolve I needed as a foundation for recovery from abandonment and betrayal.

Sometimes the detective work just HAS to be done. It makes you crazy, yes, but that’s only temporary. It also can be a valuable part of setting a chump on the road to meh.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
5 years ago
Reply to  champchump

I agree. I was moving toward asking for a separation because my EX had huge anger problems, had grown verbally abusive, and I had stumbled upon some financial problems he’d been hiding. But I kept hanging on for a variety of dumb reasons. Digging for more evidence of what he was doing with money behind my back showed me involvement with other women. For me his cheating was the last straw, but who cares which straw it was–as long as I finally got smart enough to leave! I think different people need different levels of evidence to justify their decision to themselves. I thought I was policing our finances, but that’s often the case–a chump can forgive one “mistake” but policing reveals that the partner is lying, cheating, stealing and masterminding a whole network of marital crimes (none of it was a “mistake). The trick isn’t to avoid policing but to know when to stop watching and start acting.

Zell
Zell
5 years ago

“get past my own tendency ”

Correct! We chumps don’t initially fully realize what we are dealing with because our brains and morals can’t go into the deep dark depths that the disordered live in and think are totally normal.

The police work helped me to realize “oh my god I’ve been with a psycho for 17 years I need to get out for my own safety”

wcchump
wcchump
5 years ago
Reply to  Zell

Yes, this. I was so beyond my thought process to believe in the double life the cheater was living.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
5 years ago

The sad irony was that each time I thought of a new way to check up on him, I was hopeful I would NOT find something and thus learn that he had finally stopped his shitty behavior. Even though I knew that it might just mean he was lying in a different way. But each and every time, I actually found MORE evidence that he was a shit. Heavy sigh.

Limey Chump
Limey Chump
5 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Me too, Dixie Chump, me too! Exactly the same – I SO wanted to believe the ex and blame myself for being paranoid!

Pret
Pret
5 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

DixieChump- I sat on a train with a girlfriend going into Manhattan on March 21st 2017. I swore up and down to my friend there was no way this guy was still cheating on me. For crying out loud, we went to MC yesterday and paid $200.00 in cash. Why would he do that if he was still cheating? That’s crazy! I said, at the most I’ll see that he’s indeed having dinner with his male coworker like he said and I can finally put all of this behind me and try to start trusting him again. Lo and behold he comes out of his work building hand in hand with his mistress. I swear I stopped breathing for a second. So much for hoping and swearing that I would not find anything…. the joke was on me that day.

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
5 years ago
Reply to  Pret

Pret
YOU were Gutsy to go and find out the truth, even though the worst fear presented itself.
You faced your fear, You are strong and mighty! Look what he lost!

Pret
Pret
5 years ago
Reply to  Letitsnow

Thank you!

HM
HM
5 years ago

This.

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
5 years ago

I actually believed that my cheater would be touched by my offer of trust after I found out about his affair last spring. When he appeared to be wanting to work things out with me and we were attending marriage counselling, I told him that I wouldn’t be checking up on him as an act of faith in him. I told him that checking on him is not the kind of life I wanted to live. Well, I might as well have given him a signed blank cheque. He continued to keep contact with the OW, and he finally left me for her just after Christmas to live out his fantasy of bringing in the new year with her as he should have done already the year before.

My investigative work has yielded a binder full of emails. I was able to print emails that confirmed that his relationship was physical when he always claimed that it was just an emotional affair. There is proof of the number of dates they went on in which money was spent (including hotel rooms out of town). But, most interesting about the emails is what it reveals about his character and state of mind – the immaturity of this infatuation, the obsessiveness he feels about her, his changed interests to reflect hers. I’ve shared some of these emails with his family members and a couple of key friends so that they know the truth. He is currently doing image control with his family and friends to ease the way to introducing her after some buffer time.

My investigative work has also revealed that this woman had an affair on her husband two and a half years ago that resulted in the girlfriend posting warnings about this woman on a variety of “cheater” and “homewrecker” websites. This woman attacked her husband drunk in front of their children and she was arrested. The charges were dropped and a peace bond issued against her to keep the peace with her husband for a year (the peace bond just ended this past November). She does not have custody of her children, she sees them on Thursday evenings and gets them every other weekend. How does a woman lose her kids?

I’ve stopped looking at my husband’s accounts after about a month of investigative work in late December/early January. I know enough to know that I was gaslighted and now I know the truth. Key people in our lives know the truth and are seeing him for the liar he is. He is not aware that I have this information and that others know, so he feels confident that he’s paving the way to introducing this woman “respectably” to family and friends. Good luck with that.

I do find myself unsure about one more matter I could investigate further. Is it worthwhile? I recently found a connection to the OW ex-husband’s family through a colleague at work. This connection is married to the ex-husband’s brother. My colleague said that she described the ex-wife as “bat-shit crazy” who lost custody of the kids and is now spewing venom about the ex. She’ll try to make herself the victim. I’m debating if I should have a conversation with the ex to figure out what she’s lying about. My husband sees himself as the OW’s knight in shining armor who thinks that she’s been abused and that she is really a good person who has simply “made some bad decisions” in her life. Do I bother finding out more about her story? Will it make a difference? My lawyer says that information about her parenting or past record (eg: competency in looking after the well-being of children, history of violence or substance abuse) might be able to allow me to include conditions in the legal separation agreement that would limit her access to my own children when my husband decides to “introduce” her.

KB22
KB22
5 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

I wouldn’t bother having a conversation about OW with your husband…….it won’t matter to him one bit but I do urge you to find out everything you can about her dysfunctional lifestyle, losing her kids, etc. Keep that woman away from your children.

Patsy
Patsy
5 years ago
Reply to  KB22

“Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don’t screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can’t continue living your life, and aren’t quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate—someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own—is so crazily stimulating that it’s like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or “dumsels” in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.” – Dr Frank Pittman

Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
5 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

Option, I don’t believe that a single second of your time is wasted finding out every detail you can if it leads to being able to protect your children from the disordered freak your ex has hitched his wagon to. Better safe than sorry!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

Tread with caution, though, I think. It’s risky. Keep it simple enough that you don’t ride the edge of harassment, etc.

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
5 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

When it comes to protecting our kids (especially from people who are unhinged), is there anything we wouldn’t do?

Mitz
Mitz
5 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

Yes, protect your kids from her at all costs and measures! You can’t do this later effectively.

Iowachump
Iowachump
5 years ago

In preparation for Thanksgiving 2016 , I threw everything on our counters in a box. Had Thanksgiving, everything was fine. 2 days later, he informed me he wanted a divorce, no longer loved me, etc etc. I was shocked.
His narrative never made sense (he conveniently left out he had a gf), so i looked thru the box for his Kindle. Found it. He was still logged into FB. I sat and watched their FB messenger chat in real time!
I texted him a screenshot of their convo, called him and kicked him out, and filed for divorce.

lemonbirch
lemonbirch
5 years ago
Reply to  Iowachump

Iowa, you’re awesome!

Tall One
Tall One
5 years ago

I didn’t know I was on the force. I was so gaslighted, I thought I had a problem.

I’d wait up well past midnight to check her purse, her phone (I knew the code), her laptop.

SOMETHING wasn’t right, but I found no proof. So then I’d feel horrible.

Somehow she hid it from me. Until she got sloppy and used the landline…then it was D-day.

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
5 years ago
Reply to  Tall One

It is always surprising to me how far a cheater goes to hide their wrongdoing, only to tell you afterwards that they haven’t loved you for a long time and that you didn’t meet their needs. OK, then why didn’t you just break up? I know, I know…ego kibbles and cake eating. It’s just so soul destroying. It’s such an act of cowardice to carry on an affair – too weak to stick to a decision, too weak to try to work through relationship problems, too weak to walk away on their own without having a piece on the side waiting for them. Pathetic.

SheChump
SheChump
5 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

I.C. I’m incredibly sorry. A father trying to ruin his daughter’s life and futures by introducing them to opiods….as a ‘fun’ tool? He should be locked up.

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
5 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

They only say those things because they got caught.

Cliffs_of_Insanity
Cliffs_of_Insanity
5 years ago

Yep I did the marriage police thing, until it put me in the hospital. What a waste of time, effort, and resources. And spent in what? An a-hole that wanted to put “wayward” on his motorcycle license plate. Yup. ???? Speaking of trust and Ronald Reagan, it’s interesting to me that a certain RIC “discussion forum” that will remain nameless asserts that you *should not* trust your spouse, and that “too much” trust can contribute to affairs. Wha?? So if you, the chump, are not vigilant enough from the second you say I Do, you probably deserve to be cheated on. How fucked up is that. #metoo

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
5 years ago

God how I hated that. I was probably a member of the same RIC website. Each and every militant reconciler told all of us chumps that ‘our blind trust’ was no good anyway so it was good that we lost it. What complete and utter bullshit! I don’t know what the hell blind trust is, but I can tell you that I didn’t have it. I had the normal amount of trust that you give your spouse until they do something that is completely untrustworthy.

I trusted my ex until the day that I didn’t. It was a struggle to keep from “snooping” through his things because doing that felt like an invasion of privacy and something I shouldn’t do if I trusted him. I didn’t trust him though and with good reason.

Part of this tactic is to scare chumps into believing that they’re better off dancing with the devil that we know but it’s bullshit. You need to be able to trust someone to be in an intimate relationship again. If I ever enter into one again, it will be because I feel I’ve fixed my picker and found the right mate and I will have to have trust in that person, blind or otherwise.

Cliffs_of_Insanity
Cliffs_of_Insanity
5 years ago

Wanted to also add that the same RIC site I mentioned also strongly encourages spying on your spouse because every time you don’t find evidence of malfeasance, it “builds trust.” But I thought we weren’t supposed to trust our spouse… ???? And around and around the solipsism we go. ????

Phillygirl93
Phillygirl93
5 years ago

I would text him every hour to make sure he wasn’t cheating- checking in, he called it. Really it was a lot of work and I shouldn’t have had to do so much work to ensure fidelity. Lesson learned.

WisedUp
WisedUp
5 years ago

I did some sleuthing after D-Day/GTFO day because I was really struggling with the words coming out of his mouth vs. what appeared to actually be happening. There was a lot of cognitive dissonance. I discovered the cheating by following my gut feeling and logging into our family phone account paid for by me, and trying to see what numbers he’d been calling. When I confronted him he at first gaslighted and lied but after he admitted it, he went into full-on gaslighting mode. Except I didn’t know what gaslighting was. I didn’t know what NPD or sociopathy was. Another 8 months of cognitive dissonance while he continued to lie saying he was “no longer with” her and I hired a P.I. who confirmed he was living with her.

While it probably was obsessive and mentally unhealthy for me, it really was a gigantic 2 x 4 that disabused me of my prior 15 year long belief in this man as a trustworthy human who loved me and my kids.

When I eventually gave up on sleuthing, it was after speaking to his “ex” girlfriends who revealed they never stopped being involved with him years after he moved in with me and bought a house with me. More evidence came out in innocuous ways with no effort on my part. A fourth affair five years earlier. Slimy business practices revealed in documents that surfaced when I was looking for something else on an old shared computer. A woman from some other country calling my house, asking for him, 2 years after he moved in with OW; a name I recognized from his supposed former history. And even recently, over 4 years from D-Day and GTFO Day, without looking for it, I stumbled on a note he wrote to himself on a “to do” list he’d kept, that revealed he had secret motion activated cameras somewhere in my house and had a note reminding himself to delete some unmentioned thing on the computer “because WisedUp uses that computer sometimes, too.”

So in the end, I don’t regret spending about $5000-6000 on private investigators and forensic computer services because I was SO tricked, conned, fooled, deceived and exploited by this sociopathic creep, that I needed to see the cold hard evidence to believe it.
So do as much as you need to do, and then stop and re-focus your money and efforts on saving yourself. Go 100% NC if you can. That is what I did three years ago and am just starting to feel like I can breathe again.

Jojobee
Jojobee
5 years ago
Reply to  WisedUp

This is exactly how I feel. Do as much investigating as you need to do to cut through the veil of gaslighting, discover what you need for divorce (especially financial) strategies, and then get out. The lying is never just about the sexual stuff. Your keylogger may show him electronically draining or moving assets. Your “find my i-phone” may show him at a bank where he has a secret safe deposit box, your steaming open his mail may show that the state pension or 401 k suddenly has so much less money than it should.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago
Reply to  WisedUp

I ???? GTFO day so much. ????

Blindside
Blindside
5 years ago

I absolutely hated being the marriage police. So exhausting, so very, very, exhausting. You’ve got to keep track of them, keep track of money, watch your cell phone bill, watch social media……why can’t she put her phone down, why does she crop me out of every picture on social media, why does she only wear her wedding ring around the house, why is she working out 3 times a day, why does she need to wear so much makeup and perfume to her 5 am workout, why is she the only county worker in history to stay late after work 2 hours every night (and on Fridays)?

Actually reading all of this in hindsight makes me feel like a total idiot.

Anyway, I still “needed to know for sure” so I bought a VAR. It was something I don’t regret simply because I found out for sure within 2 weeks of buying the thing. All it took was finding CL a few months after that and I was set on my path. Got out of that life and today I couldn’t give 2 shits anymore who she’s with or where she’s at.

Added plus: no more experiencing energy (and sanity) drain of playing the marriage police.

Lost 220# Deadweight
Lost 220# Deadweight
5 years ago

I was a super spy….. which thankfully made it very easy during mediation for assets and spousal support. But during the time I was Detective 2.0, I was thinking about how I was going to save our marriage once I had all the facts. The only facts I really needed was 1. He’s cheating 2. He’s a cheating narcissist

Things I did: went into the bathroom after he got out of the shower to discreetly check his body ( he had hickies on his chest), I drove by her house on two occasions to confirm if he was cheating (first time I got stopped by the police because I looked suspicious, second time while on the 45 minute drive back to my house I thought ‘this is what unstable ppl to….. don’t be one’), I checked his tablet (his email was synced to it) and that is where I found him asking her if she was interested in making a Mold-A-Willie Vibrating Kit with his penis. Last thing (along with his text messages admitting his affair) was what most likely sealed the deal with me doing more than fair during mediation. No one wants to show piece of evidence #1: “your Honor, I’d like to place the Mold A Willie Vibrating Kit into evidence”. The irony is that he was always concerned about his penis size…… so make a mold of it? Weird

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
5 years ago

He wanted to clone his weenie to get pegged in the butt, that’s why ! Dipsh*t !

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
5 years ago

He’s the dipsh*t…

Grace
Grace
5 years ago

How nice. He can literally go fuck himself.

Karen
Karen
5 years ago

I’m sorry for your experience. And equally sorry about Mold a Willie, but it is funny! My cheater is completely obsessed with his Willy, like it’s THE most special thing ever. I guess it is, to HIM.

That Is Not A Thing
That Is Not A Thing
5 years ago

Mold a Willie is a thing? That should not be a thing.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago

I’m shaking and gagging. Mold a Willie. Wow. I think I would have renounced all assets just to show this evidence in court. I’m cracking up. This would make a great parting gift for Sparkledick von Glitterballs.

Beth
Beth
5 years ago

Just when you think you’ve heard it all – along comes the Mold A Willie. Hahahahahahaha. I’m trying hard to contain myself but damn, that is funny. It reminds of a running joke in another support group I belonged to back in the day. Someone posted a picture of a fruit and veggie slicer that looked like a mini guillotine – the fruit being sliced in the picture was a banana. We renamed it the Wee Willie Wanker Wacker and had a lot of fun imagining it’s use. That product has since disappeared. I’m guessing we weren’t the only ones who saw the potential (or flaw depending on your perspective) in it’s design. Thanks for making my day, Lost220#!!

gaychumpdad
gaychumpdad
5 years ago
Reply to  Beth

I answered an add on Craiglist I thought was his and said I’d meet him in a hotel lobby at a certain time. Sure enough, he was there. And he still denied it. OMG! Later, he went to the same sex addict rehab all the big wigs are going to in Arizona. Here’s a line from CL’s book that sticks with me and rings true – “I don’t care what flavor of fucked up it is, get away from it.” Let him go to the rehab, wish him well and pack while he is gone!

Attie
Attie
5 years ago

Oh good Lord, I think I would have asked for something TOTALLY unreasonable just so I could go to Court and ask for Exhibit A – Mold a Willie – to be admitted into evidence. That is SOOOO funny!

Dee
Dee
5 years ago
Reply to  Attie

I was thinking the same thing Attie! Lost 220# Deadweight, I’m not sure where you are in your journey, but your Mold-A-Willie story is comic gold. Thanks for sharing!

Resigning as marriage police and booting your cheater’s ass to the curb allows you to get far enough away from the cheating madness, so you can eventually begin to laugh about the absurd affair details. I knew Meh Tuesday was around the corner when I could tell friends a sordid detail about the Captain and Schmoopie and get them howling. When the laughter begins, so does the true healing.

Lost 220# Deadweight
Lost 220# Deadweight
5 years ago
Reply to  Dee

Dee- I’m 2 years out from separating, 1 1/2 years since I finished the Pick Me Polka, 6 months out from divorce. Property and spousal support was settled a month ago; I am selling the house we owned together (but get 100% of the profit). He got married in Vegas in January, still sends nasty emails about me being the worst mother, wish he’d never met me….. blah, blah, blah. So I blocked that motherfucker and he can write his nonsense without me even reading his sappy “I’m the victim” stories. His attempts at degrading me and deflection have no room in my life. I am no longer accepting any pain from him. He wants to whine to someone, he can pay a $30- co pay and tell his therapist, or tell homeslice. Boundaries are a beautiful thing- you take back your power!

Dee
Dee
5 years ago

@Lost220#Deadweight Well clearly your ex’s life is the shits. Truly happy people don’t continue to heap toxicity on those they have left behind. My lawyer has a name for people like your ex and mine: REPEAT BUSINESS. Keep on rocking your new life!

JC
JC
5 years ago

–Checking her phone? Yes.
–Keylogger on the computer? Yes.
–A noise-activated audio recorder hidden inside a binder on our living room bookshelf? Yes.
–Leaving a movie theater early because I suddenly thought she was using that 2-hour window to bang her OM in our home, and I’d catch them in the act? Yes.

But only that audio recorder revealed any new evidence, and what it revealed was that my wife was lying to her friend and her sister on phone calls about the situation–they were getting a different version of events, also with only pieces of truth.

And that was enough for me. It confirmed that my wife had no interest in reconciliation, but was instead continuing to build her house of cards, lying to everyone. I went to a divorce workshop that weekend, signed a lease on an apartment, and told her the following Thursday that I was leaving her and filing for divorce.

I’m a trusting person, but my wife’s affair turned me into someone else. I hated being the marriage police, and I recommend you do it only until you’ve verified what you need to know to make a decision. And really, what you need to know is very little. Get it, and then get out!

ChumpinAintEasy
ChumpinAintEasy
5 years ago

I am the self proclaimed Captain of the Marriage Police Force. I have rented wigs and rental cars to catch him and the OW.
I knew every password to every account he had online and if I didn’t know it then it usually took only 3 guesses to figure it out. (most passwords to the affair websites had my name in them). I kept track of phone records and called random numbers pretending to be a wrong number just to see if a woman would answer the phone on the other end. I kept track of email accounts and intercepted mail regularly.
I even stumbled on to his google account which allowed me to track his google searches in real time as he was thousands of miles away working overseas. I was able to see him search “romantic restaurants” and ‘romantic dates” in our City. Silly me thought he was setting things up for our 9 year anniversary but a little part of me knew there was someone else.

One thing is for sure, I will never fully trust another companion ever again.

expatChump
expatChump
5 years ago

The password for most of this things including the laptop where I found the emails to the slams on dd1 was my name

Zell
Zell
5 years ago

In the end it is that long term damage of not being able to trust a future companion. Its just so unfair what they did to us.

ChumpinAintEasy
ChumpinAintEasy
5 years ago
Reply to  Zell

I meant…you’re telling me.

ChumpinAintEasy
ChumpinAintEasy
5 years ago
Reply to  Zell

tell me about it. 🙁

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago

The passwords with your name, tho! Yuck.

cashmere
cashmere
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Hah. My narc’s passwords to the porn sites? Nickname for our daughter. No kidding.

Beth
Beth
5 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Yep, Edgar Suit used my kids’ initials/birthdates for his porn passwords. Well into Meh but when I think of that, I can still feel the rage rising.

Jojobee
Jojobee
5 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

So sick and gross.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
5 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Vomitous.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
5 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Hey, that’s a good Cheater Name! Hope someone uses it!

Special snowflake ha,
Special snowflake ha,
5 years ago
Reply to  Soldiering On

My nickname for mine cheater is MISERABLE VOMITUS MASS, from Harry Potter, lol!

ChumpSaidBuhBye
ChumpSaidBuhBye
5 years ago

I did what the RIC said to do in order to “trust, but verify” and even though the cheater willingly agreed to subject himself to the monitoring, he went behind my back and used it to claim victimhood. He found a woman online to cry to who was so horrified by his sob story that she contacted a domestic violence advocacy group on his behalf and they agreed that he was being abused and controlled.

And the more I thought about it, I realized that it is abusive and it’s not justified. If you feel you have to monitor, track, demand passwords, comb through devices, deny privacy, demand polygraphs, require constant check ins, and otherwise keep another person under your thumb in order to stay in a relationship with them, then you need to leave.

It’s just as toxic and psychologically damaging to be the police as the suspect. I felt gross and guilty for doing it. It isn’t a relationship, it’s a power play.

Smart Woman
Smart Woman
5 years ago

He said he wanted a divorce, I did minimum amount of investigated to confirm my suspicions. He admitted only when confronted with “ I know”. He thinks someone has been in touch, I’ve given away no specifics. He said “ whoever is feeding you lies about my past is being vindictive as it’s just not true” ha ha, what’s not true, how can you deny what you don’t know!

Attie
Attie
5 years ago

While I agree that it can be more than useful to monitor their emails and so on to see what plans they are making and how they are planning to screw you over, from a purely personal point of view, if a man doesn’t want to be with me I ain’t gonna play the marriage police. Screw him, I don’t want him. When my ex just stopped coming home in January 2010 (for about 6 weeks before he admitted to the Skank) I one time parked my car around the corner to make it look like I had gone to work, then went back into the house and sat on the sofa and waited for him. When he showed up to shower and get clean clothes I just said “oh so you remembered where you live do you” – then walked out and went to work. F…. him! I filed shortly after.

ChumpToTheMax
ChumpToTheMax
5 years ago

After 20-yrs and DD #3, I found a RIC site that said you should get a post-nup and have the wayward spouse sign it. I gave it some thought and decided I was done playing marriage police.

The X had so many ways to communicate with his lovers that I couldn’t keep up with them all. I figured even if he did agree to a post-nup, he would sink his extramarital dalliances even further down the rabbit hole, or he would get so desperate not to be found out he would kill me.

Either way, I was too tired, too broken, too done to even try anymore. It takes great strength to hold on so tightly to something you need to let go. I used what was left of my strength to get away.

Tessie
Tessie
5 years ago

Nah, I was oblivious. No time for even suspicion. I was going to nursing school, working full-time nights, doing all the house work, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, and most of the parenting of our two teenagers.

Found out about the affair when he gave me the ILYBINILWY speech. Then he proceeded to rub the OW in my face.

At that point, I was done. Took me a while to extricate my kids and I, but I didn’t care about him after that. Just wanted to get as far away from him as possible.

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago

“You’re dying by inches.”

That line wins the internet today. It applies to so many of our marriages even before infidelity was confirmed, because of the devalue most of us suffered for months or years.

Although I divorced Hannibal Lecher based on an affair with a graduate student from 8 years prior (found his notes when he was finally called before the sexual harassment officer), it turns out his poor treatment of me for all of 2014 was due to a very intense affair he was having with an accountant. Each time I would try to exit the marriage those 8 months, he would threaten that my oldest daughter couldn’t attend an out-of-state school to which she had been accepted. The emotional pain was so intense & chronic that I hoped I had cancer and could refuse treatment so that I would die without having to kill myself.

THAT is dying by inches. Three years post-divorce, I am now LIVING by yards.

Beth
Beth
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Oh God yes, “dying by inches” and the great devalue. That was the worst. The contempt in his eyes and his voice (when he bothered to speak to me which wasn’t often) was so bewildering to me. It took me a long time to connect the dots to cheating – I was so sure it was my fault for being inadequate which of course is exactly what happens when you are subtly devalued for the entirety of your relationship. It was only when the affair made him feel empowered that he went from subtle to overt emotional abuse. I had the exact same same thought about cancer (or ANYTHING that would allow me to die without killing myself), Tempest. And I’m right there with you too, in living by yards post divorce. I truly believe that if I had stayed I would be dead or dying by now, one way or the other.

Kibble-less
Kibble-less
5 years ago
Reply to  Beth

I did have cancer. Stone face from ex-cheater-troll. I played the marriage police. Ex-cheater-troll was the police. My dad was the police and also a cheater. “But, but, my dad reconciled, certainly ex-cheater-troll will see the error of his ways too and reconcile, and I have cancer, me, his 25 year wife and mother to his darling children….” Nope, nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero Marriage policing made me crazy, ex-cheater-troll was already crazy, what did I expect to find, less crazy?? Another two biopsies yesterday, certainly I am dying by 1 inch slices every 3 months…but I am no longer in the marriage police business since I am no longer married and I really am not crazy, because we chumps are Mighty!!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
5 years ago
Reply to  Kibble-less

Keeping good thoughts for you Kibble-less. As you have removed the 2-legged cancer from your life, praying the other cancer followed him out of the door. (((HUGS)))

Tempest
Tempest
5 years ago
Reply to  Kibble-less

Kibble-less: Our collective fingers are crossed that your body is as free of the cancer as you are of a fuckwit. Hugs (and let us know your results?).

Kibble-less
Kibble-less
5 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Thank you Tempest, will do, results take about a week. Virtual hugs back to everyone!!

Tessie
Tessie
5 years ago
Reply to  Kibble-less

Keeping you in my prayers Kibble-less.

Beth
Beth
5 years ago
Reply to  Kibble-less

We are mighty Kibble-less! And I hope you are cancer free and enjoying your cheater free life!

Kibble-less
Kibble-less
5 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Thank you Beth. Fingers crossed.

Darkstar
Darkstar
5 years ago

Being the cheater police sucks in every way. Waiting for the chance to check the heavily guarded iPhone. Heart racing as I hurriedly look for evidence that I am terrified of finding.
Having my son say, what are you in full detective mode? as I quickly shuffle through my partner’s vehicle after work…checking every receipt for proof of my growing feeling of being forgotten…Being invisible.
The list goes on and on. So does the misery…and guilt over being a marriage detective, for twenty five years, who rarely finds any evidence at all.

Janus
Janus
5 years ago

I got the anonymous email from Schmoopie’s sister. Saying that OW had been having sex with my STBXH for 2 years and that he had been wiring her money and traveling with her. Sis said that OW was laughing at X behind his back, calling him a “fat ass and a limp dick.” Not surprisingly, X claimed this email was spam. Which as we know, looks different: “Yer spouse is having affair. Send $100 I tell you more.” Fortunately X had been foolish enough to give me a general power of attorney. In a few days I had PayPal records of X sending money to OW nearly every other day. Fools all around. As within a few days I fell for the Faux Reconciliation timeline. Complete with chronologies and spreadsheets. Meant absolutely nothing, I can tell you. He went right back to wiring OW money from a foreign account.

CL really does a service trying to push chumps to where they need to go at faster than the natural rate, so that they minimize the amount of lingering pain. Rip that Band-Aid off. Anyone that would set up elaborate schemes like pretending to have an eBay business so they can funnel money to a lowlife in the UK actually hates their spouse. They blame us for limiting their fabulous freedom with vows they voluntarily took and mortgages and joint bank accounts.

Portia
Portia
5 years ago

I needed my time on the MP force to convince myself I was not imagining things, and that he was a liar. I found out much more than I needed to, because it is a type of horrific addiction — like not being able to take your eyes off a wreck or weather damage footage on the news. I also became really angry that someone I had been so good to could do the things he did, and actually enjoy the things I found totally disgusting! I wondered how he could act so loving and intimate with me, and then view the awful porn I found. Some of the information educated me about the level of despicable behavior and actions he would sink to, and then compartmentalize. How do you meet for a clandestine fuck-fest and then stop on the way “home” for groceries and cook a nice meal for the wife and kids? What kind of a person does those things? How was I so gullible? It was a complete course in Deviant Behavior, and one I evidently needed to get me to wise up and toughen up. I think Chumps don’t want to believe the one’s they love would ever do those sort of things. We want to think that somehow the spouse got into an awful situation– made a mistake — but still is basically a good person. It is heart breaking to realize you are intimately involved with a deeply dysfunctional person — and that he has been carrying on this behavior for years. Living a dual life would be exhausting for me. I really don’t have the time, energy or inclination to do all the things I need to do every day — am supposed to do every day. When my children were young, I could barely get the essentials done before falling into exhausted sleep at night. I cannot imagine also carrying on a sordid affair, or wasting money that way, and I really resent time and resources being spent that way when I could have used a little help. That entitled behavior is what finally sunk in to me — the waste of time, money, and the rejection of all the things that he professed to want (wife, home, family, future plans). I finally realized he didn’t deserve any consideration, and he was not acquainted with the truth. I also knew that he had actually proved he was not smarter than I was, because I was able to figure it out. That was insulting, too. The attitude of “I can do this, and you won’t ever get it, I have you completely fooled, you are stupid enough to love me” — that put me over the edge and on the road to recovery. When I realized he didn’t value anything he had with me I was done. It was easy to walk away then.
I guess the Marriage Police is instructive, and the information can free you from a bad situation. But staying on the force is no way to live your life. I am so much happier living my peaceful existence alone. The authentic life satisfies the soul.

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
5 years ago

Ironic, in light of the fact that I spent all day yesterday wiping my cell phone and reinstalling everything, because the possibility that asshat installed monitoring software was brought to my attention. I never locked my phone when he lived here. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Let’s not forget to point out surveillance’s devious side (not a normal motivation for chumps). To gather dirt to be used as blackmail, threat, etc.

Basically an old friend of mine, who is also in the middle of a nasty divorce (her ex is not a manipulative asshole, he’s a blatant asshole) texted me on Wednesday. I had not talked to her in about a year. We exchanged updates and unpleasantries about one another’s STBX’s.

Later that night I received a Facebook message from him; he sent an attachment that said unavailable. I haven’t talked to that man in 3 years. Coincidence??????????
He also happens to be buddy buddy with my ex, and has “shown him the way” of dirty divorce tricks. I know his character (bully, power and control, intimidation, etc.) and “IF” my ex had told him I was talking bad about him, I know that isn’t something he’d have the self control to keep to himself.

I know he had previously been monitoring his wife’s texts by hacking into iMessage, and sending screenshots of her conversations to people, so as soon as I got that message from him my red flags stood on end. I immediately called her and told her she might want to consider changing her passwords. That is when she informed me that after the last incident, she took her phone to a tech guy, and she honestly did not think it was her phone… but based on rumors she’s heard, believed it could be mine.

I’d be lying if I said I have not previously considered the idea that STBX did this, but I chalked it up to paranoia and moved on. There have been a lot of little things these past three years (wish I had documented them) to indicate someone was telling him what I was doing, and I thought it was just that.

The moral of the story here is, wipe your phone or get a new one when you separate. There are a lot of child monitoring softwares that are undetectable on none jail broken phones, as long as the person has free access to your phone at some point.

Born Free
Born Free
5 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

So creepy!

knittedrobin
knittedrobin
5 years ago

Husband’s best friend had cheated on his wife and was living with the OW. He complained to me about how the OW didn’t trust him at all (because she knew exactly what he was like) and insisted on accompanying him everywhere he went. Everywhere. She went with him in the car in the day – he was a self-employed salesman. She didn’t have a job. He wasn’t even allowed to go out briefly to the pub with his mates in the evening. She would always go too, and be there, watching. I remember thinking at the time what an awful life she must have: having to sit in the pub hour after hour, bored and tired, while he drank with his pals. Perfect karma, really. She had the most miserable expression.

StrawberryJellyfish
StrawberryJellyfish
5 years ago

I didn’t do much, because I didn’t suspect anything until DDay when he filed for divorce. I only questioned him for a day when he caved and spilled the beans.

He moved out shortly and gave me the whole “I know you think I have my mind made up, but I’m going to really be using this time to think about what I want.” I bought the line, like a chump, and believed him. Only took about 10 days or so when I couldn’t live in limbo any longer and I called the call phone company for the records and found that he was having long drawn out phone calls with her every single day, meanwhile not talking to me at all. The lady at the phone company and I had a really nice chat and she totally understood the situation.

TheFooledTwiceDad
TheFooledTwiceDad
5 years ago

“I once knew a guy who couldn’t leave his cheater because she was “trying,” and he couldn’t break up his children’s home.”

^^^ Oh, dear God, THIS IS ME. Word for word. Sounds so stupid when I read it about someone else. But when you are living it, it’s so hard to see.

I too was on the Force for a while. It was exhausting and looking back, is a terrible thing for a spouse. If you need to secretly spy on your spouse, your feelings for them and your view of them are now changed. There’s no coming back from needing to spy on them to obtain proof because deep down inside you know they are deliberately hurting and lying to you. There’s no happy ending there. DDay#2 was in a way a relief for me. It hurt like hell, but I suspected another affair for a few months, and DDay#2 gave me a reason to stop spying and some relief from the suspicions and gaslighting. And then changed passcodes again after confronting her…what more proof do I need? Time to stop.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
5 years ago

I have two contributions to today’s discussion.

First the sad, pathetic one. I used my husband’s ipad “find-my-iphone” app to watch him each afternoon. Like clockwork, he drove home (yes, I refreshed the screen often to watch him move along the highway … creepy yet irresistible), parked at a baseball park around the corner from our house, and walked into the woods located in the far corner of the park. He stood there among the trees for about 15 minutes, then walked back to his car and drove home. Totally weird behavior (his … not mine!! ha ha) even for a cheater. What on earth was he doing in the woods? Drinking? Smoking? I later figured out he was having sex with himself while talking long distance with his boyfriend. But my inability to look away was just grinding my depression and numbness to new lows.

On a brighter note, I purchased a very inexpensive ($15?) simple downloadable key tracker onto our home computer with the full knowledge and agreement of my cheater in order to help monitor my 6th grader’s new interest in googling porn. The simple program stopped the behavior once he understood that I really would know if he did it. I used it only a handful of times and then the program lay dormant and forgotten. Maybe a month later, it occurred to me to just take a quick look to make sure my son was still following house rules. Cheater had worked from home the day before and WHAM … unintentionally busted. I am grateful for that key tracker … odds are that BAM would still be cheating away and abusing me right now. I am free thanks to a $15 cheapo key tracker.

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
5 years ago

I marriage policed hard and most of it was pretty silly and drove me crazy, I mean really cray-cray, but some of it was very beneficial.

Looking back on it, I get CL’s point. If I was suspicious enough to police, the marriage was over. My policing started because he would never tell me when he was going to be late. I was just supposed to accept that some nights he would go to happy hour and walk through the door after dinner was served. I understand why he thought it was okay and why he got angry when I started calling him on it. I started tracking him on his iPhone. Often when he was out I would text him and ask where he was and when he was coming home. Often he would not respond. So I would ping he phone. He hated that. Both of our behaviors were disrespectful.

Now there would be time I would go without tracking his phone. Months where I would hear understand his complaint about invasion of privacy. But then there was always something that happened that would make me start checking again.

When things really ramped up is when I put cameras in the home. I didn’t do it to spy on him. I did it because we were going on vacation for a week and wanted to make sure the pet sitter was coming over when she said she was and that our cats were ok. But there was also a part of me that thought maybe I would figure our what was happening when he came home at 3:30 and apparently did nothing until I got home. I never got to find that out because my daughter spotted the camera right away and he flipped out. But interestingly enough, his early home arrivals stopped too. While I was trying to figure out the camera settings I also caught him moving the curtains late one night. Something he had sworn for years that he did not do. And I also caught his brother in our house one afternoon to change his clothes. Which is weird and gross. He lives 5 miles from us and could have drove there to change. It felt like an invasion of privacy but when I brought that up, it was me that had the problem.

After cheater ex left I put a tracker on the car, mostly so I could keep track of how often he was at the bar. That tracker was a blessing and a curse. I knew when he spent weekends with the OW. My blood would boil. I became obsessed with tracking him. It was unhealthy and yet at the same time eventually gave me the info I needed to move on. I caught him in lies with that tracker. I also caught him at the bar once before he was supposed to pick up our daughter. So it was good for somethings. But mostly it was unhealthy and prevented me from moving on. I turned it off. The tracker is still in his car. It’s been there for months. Somehow I need to get it out of there before he finds it…

Wormfree2017
Wormfree2017
5 years ago

Everyone is absolutely correct, if you feel the need to spy and you aren’t normally a creeper then the relationship is already over. Six months after I moved in with The Worm I started to get that uneasy feeling that something wasn’t right. I stuck around for 26 years “gathering evidence”. Here’s the thing about the evidence, it becomes proof for the cheater that you’re crazy. They will lie and twist things around rather than admit anything. So you could have 8×10 photos of your husband in bed with triplets and he will lie, equivocate and obfuscate until you believe you’re somehow responsible.
If someone makes you feel that unsettled just get out! Don’t stick around for the mind fuck!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago

I served zero time as MP because I trusted Glitterballs blindly.

But I did spend a lot of time trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. At least 30 years.

Turns out I was being gaslighted and supplying cake and ego kibbles for years for a cold and calculating cheater.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
5 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

But I wish I had policed cheater: I would have busted his ass before my country became no fault in 2010 and before my father died so cheater would not see a penny of his inheritance. As it is he got my father’s house! Shit.

ChChChChump
ChChChChump
5 years ago

Got a text from the phone company: “you’re almost out of minutes!” Confused and not at all suspicious, I logged into the phone account- thousands of texts to an unknown number; hours of calls to the same number (during a weeklong trip he was away, 11 HOURS of calls with that number and 6 MINUTES with me).

He had left early that day. With cell phone in left hand and landline phone on the right, I called his cell phone. When he answered, I called the unknown number. I could hear it ring in the background: bingo!

“You’re at her house, aren’t you?- that’s me calling her phone number, so don’t bother denying.” “Uh, yeah”

Before he got home, I had searched the number on our shared computer, found her name, email address and all their emails. After vomiting, I pulled myself together and when he arrived told him to GTFO.

Langele
Langele
5 years ago
Reply to  ChChChChump

I admire your decisiveness

ChChChChump
ChChChChump
5 years ago
Reply to  Langele

You give me too much credit.

It was DDay #3, and I STILL attempted wreckonciliation after this.

[headslap]

kimmy
kimmy
5 years ago

I spent five years being a detective. I literally feel as tho I could make a career out of this now. However, I am so glad it’s over. I searched coat pockets, wallets, bedside tables, his vehicles, etc. The final (and for me, over the top) discovery was the voice activated recorded I put in his truck. The lengths you go thru as a chump are staggering.

Here is the laughable part!!! After I kicked out my husband and told him I was officially done, he thought himself to be a detective too and started following ME!!!!!! Seriously!!!!!! He had been lying and cheating for at least five years that I know of and I never once stepped outside of the marriage or gave him ANY reason to doubt me. And……during that time he never followed me or questioned my whereabouts.

Zell
Zell
5 years ago

6 years of my life policing. I won’t go into details yet- maybe one day. But in the end it turned out cheater wife sucked even more than I could imagine. Coldblooded scumbag con artist scammer. In the end I had the proof I needed to start me down the proper road (first came the heartbreak and mental emotional chaos). Eventually I got out of that storm. But CL is right- you die a little each day by policing. Life without policing is so much more peaceful. As I posted the other day- now I just assume the worst about her and that helps me to let go and try to bring an end to the bond. She gave up a loyal faithful husband. I gave up a bad person. I’m better off in the end.

Born Free
Born Free
5 years ago
Reply to  Zell

I hear you about assuming the worst.

I moved 400 miles when we married. A few weeks after we married he left his email open on his laptop. OMG the huge number of women he had been dating and was still seeing after our engagement and marriage was staggering.
I still remember the cold numbness as I printed out each email. One by one.
I then taped them all along our long hallway of our shiny brand new house and our new marriage license.

I moved to a motel for several weeks.

We finally reconciled. A few years later, at the first sign of cheating again I didn’t bother to investigate. I knew. I wasn’t going to save this marriage if he couldn’t be trusted.

Once you know, you can’t unknow.