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The Mindfuckery of Reverse Victim Offender

January 14, 2021 by Chump Lady

gaslighting

There must be a bazillion “How To Tell If He/She’s Cheating” articles on the interwebs. You know, the usual — new cologne, sudden penchant for 9-hour Pilates classes, weird showering habits, furtive texting, requires cavity search to reveal cell phone… But here’s the real clue you’re dealing with a cheater, and it’s not lipstick on […]

Filed Under: Blameshifting, Cheaters Decoded, Deception, Gaslighting Tagged With: DARVO, Gaslighting, manipulation

But He’s Such a Nice Guy!

January 6, 2021 by Chump Lady

Dear Chump Lady, My husband of 25 years is a really good father/uncle/church member, who is friendly to everyone and is generally a very nice guy. He is also a well-meaning though largely clueless husband who doesn’t really understand what emotional partnership means, though he has an inflated sense of romance, loves chick flicks and […]

Filed Under: Blameshifting, Deception, Sex addiction Tagged With: BDSM, Double life, Kink

UBT: Affair Proofing Your Marriage

December 17, 2020 by Chump Lady

“Affair Proof Your Marriage” articles are so ubiquitous, I hesitate to feed them to the Universal Bullshit Translator. It just rolled its circuits at me. Really? This crap again? Don’t you have some juicy psychobabble from a certified Yoga Imago Sex Therapist I can parse? Are you really going to make me read “keep the home […]

Filed Under: Blameshifting, universal bullshit translator Tagged With: Universal Bullshit Translator

Debunking ‘Affair Fog’

December 8, 2020 by Chump Lady

Dear Chump Lady, My husband had drunk sex with a woman who works for him when our little boy was 9 months old and we had been married for just a couple of years. He was remorseful (well he cried a bit and said sorry and, hey, at least he told me — yeah right, […]

Filed Under: Blameshifting, Fog, Trust that they suck Tagged With: Affair fog, Reconciliation Industrial Complex

When the Other Woman Was a Frienemy

November 2, 2020 by Chump Lady

Dear Chump Lady, I struggle so much with my situation. My husband of 15 years had an affair with someone I considered a close friend. For over a year. Their lies and manipulation are astounding. We went on trips together with our families (she’s a stay at home mom and was married with kids too), […]

Filed Under: Blameshifting, Other Women, Switzerland Friends Tagged With: Blameshifting

The ‘If You Aren’t Nicer’ Threat

October 8, 2020 by Chump Lady

People still submit one-liners of Stupid Shit Cheaters Say to me. Got this one yesterday: “If you aren’t nicer to me, I’m going to cheat on you.” Let’s decode it, shall we? It’s only sentence, but therein lies so much crap. “If you aren’t nicer to me…” Implies what he does or does not do […]

Filed Under: Blameshifting, Cheater Tactics, Pick me dance Tagged With: Infidelity abuse, Threats

‘I Fail to Understand Your Hostility’

October 7, 2020 by Chump Lady

There is no mindfuck like the I Fail to Understand Your Hostility mindfuck. As mindfucks go, it’s Jedi-level mindfuckery. Oh sure your lesser manipulator can sputter some pathetic lies, or shrug and play dumb. The IFTUYH mindfucker, however, is one cool customer. Zero adaptive anxiety. Your inchoate rage just bounces off their wall of smug. This crazy […]

Filed Under: Blameshifting, Cheater Tactics, Gaslighting Tagged With: Gaslighting, manipulation

Esther Perel’s Myth of the Good Cheater

September 23, 2020 by Chump Lady

So, Esther Perel follows me on Twitter. Which is big of her considering I told her to bite me. On the other hand, there might be something in it for her as she’s writing a book on infidelity, according to the New York Times, and is only taking on new clients “who have experienced infidelity.” Perhaps she’s studying […]

Filed Under: Blameshifting, Esther Perel, Quacks, Reconciliation Tagged With: esther perel

‘My Sister Blames Me for My Husband’s Affair’

September 22, 2020 by Chump Lady

bitter bunny

Dear Chump Lady, I just had a conversation with my sister about my cheating husband. I can’t seem to get it through her head that his cheating wasn’t because there were marital problems. Nothing pisses me off more than having to listen to people say, “Well, he cheated because he wasn’t getting what he needed […]

Filed Under: Blameshifting, Telling people Tagged With: blame the victim

Sad Sausage Tales?

September 18, 2020 by Chump Lady

The sad sausage self-pity channel probably provokes more Stupid Shit Cheaters Say than the other two channels, rage and “charm.” It’s kind of absurd for chumps to expect comfort from the cheaters who gutted us, but it is exponentially more ridiculous that cheaters want sympathy from chumps. Really, dude, you want me to understand that you’re […]

Filed Under: Blameshifting Tagged With: Sad sausage, Self-pity

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