You drove ’em to it. That’s the blameshifting of the RIC and cheaters themselves. Your superpowers of suckitude could launch a thousand ships or create Adult Friend Finder accounts. You! You did that! So, Today’s Friday Challenge, by popular demand, is to share all the “bagged salad” reasons given. FourLeaf shared the genesis story of […]
The ‘Dual Accountability’ Therapy Fallacy
Hi Chump Lady, I thought you would line to see the “official point of view” of the majority of therapists that treat infidelity: “Infidelity occurs in a dyadic system, and any approaches that place all blame, responsibility and accountability on a single member seems contraindicated.” I replied to this: Yes, Fred,that’s that problem, the dyadic […]
UBT: ‘I Wish You Were Still Nice’
The Universal Bullshit Translator gets a lot of “It’s not what I did, it’s how you reacted” pitchforked into it. Blameshifting lays around in piles. Why can’t you chumps be NICER? Someone needs kibbles! In today’s UBT submission, Lori writes: He was on his way out last year and did a complete 180, I figure the […]
Is This an Emotional Affair?
Dear Chump Lady, I had been with my husband for 17 years and married 11 of those years. I found him emotionally cheating three times before and I chose to continue the relationship not realising I was being gaslighted and manipulated. I went down the If-I-Just-Fix-This-About-Me path and boy was he good at finding ways […]
Her Menopause Made Him Cheat?
I’ve read some blameshifting quackery in my day, but Guardian advice columnist Mariella Frostup takes the blood-soaked tampon. A woman writes in to say her partner cheated, and she wants to contact the Other Woman. And Frostup tells her the real problem is her menopause. The poor chump’s letter: The dilemma It’s the usual. He was […]
Debunking Marriage Builders, Inc.
One piece of advice the Reconciliation Industrial Complex likes to give after D-Day is telling chumps it is their responsibility to make the marriage “a good place to be” after an affair. That way your cake-eating spouse will see what they’re missing. Often this advice is combined with the contradictory advice to be all 180 […]
Ex Wants Chump to Go to Therapy with Her
Dear Chump Lady, My ex-wife (20-year marriage) went to my therapist. (Chump that I am, I recommended that the cheating ex-wife use my therapist to save money because she knew the story.) Now she wants me to go to a meeting with her this coming Monday the 14th! Therapist called, told me it was about finding […]
‘I Haven’t Been Happy for a Long Time’
The other week someone asked me to decode, “I haven’t been happy for a long time.” (Also sometimes expressed as “WE haven’t been happy for a long time.”) It’s trotted out when the chump is looking for an explanation as to why their family life just blew up. Well DUH. “I haven’t been happy for […]
The Mindfuckery of Reverse Victim Offender
There must be a bazillion “How To Tell If He/She’s Cheating” articles on the interwebs. You know, the usual — new cologne, sudden penchant for 9-hour Pilates classes, weird showering habits, furtive texting, requires cavity search to reveal cell phone… But here’s the real clue you’re dealing with a cheater, and it’s not lipstick on […]
But He’s Such a Nice Guy!
Dear Chump Lady, My husband of 25 years is a really good father/uncle/church member, who is friendly to everyone and is generally a very nice guy. He is also a well-meaning though largely clueless husband who doesn’t really understand what emotional partnership means, though he has an inflated sense of romance, loves chick flicks and […]
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