Dear Chump Lady, He brought his girlfriend and I lost my meh

Dear Chump Lady,

I’ve done a ton of work on myself, I’m slowly reaching meh, and I’m practising no contact as much as is possible when doing shared care/parenting with a disordered cheater fucktoid.

But then I find myself in a situation like today —  youngest child’s school concert and cheater fucktoid rocks up with 20+ years younger than me “partner.” (They met online, she lives halfway around the world and they’ve seen each other physically for the second time in twelve months) and youngest child spends the entire time he performs making eye contact with them and I may as well not exist. I then react by approaching fucktoid, telling him it’s disgusting for him to bring “girlfriend” to concert and generally make an arse of myself.

I thought I was doing so well. That I’d reached a place of peace and couldn’t care less what he did. but clearly, I was and am affected. How do I move on?

Help!

Specialist in Hope

Dear Hope,

Nothing will make you lose your meh quicker than co-parenting with a fuckwit. It is the 18-year-long shit sandwich. You hope to God you get one of those conscious uncouplings, where everyone abides by court orders, pays support, and close encounters are like friendly hostage drop-offs, but NO. You got a fuckwit. I’m sorry.

My husband calls these sorts of unwelcome people situations “the turd in the punchbowl.” I hope the visual helps you. It sums up the revulsion and incongruity of having awfulness in what should be a celebratory occasion. Oh God, Turd brought his teenage girlfriend to a children’s concert. Imagine him floating in a sea of sherbet and 7-up.

Co-parenting with a fuckwit means you’re going to probably have a lot of turd-in-the-punchbowl moments. So steel yourself. You got broadsided this time, but after awhile with more exposure, you get a kind of turd aversion therapy thing going. Oh, it’s you again. Whatever.

You’re not there yet. It’s okay. We ALL lose our cool sometimes. You know what the right thing to do here is — suck it up and endure. Reject drama. Reject him. And fake your meh, even if you have to chew through a leather strap.

It takes an enormous amount of strength to do this. If it makes you feel any better, I still struggle and I’m past the 18 year mark. My son’s fuckwit father showed up at his college move-in day after ignoring him for YEARS, rejecting visits, running up thousands in unpaid back child support, dropping kid from his court-ordered health insurance, and generally being an all around negligent, horrible person. Fuckwit wants the parenting victory lap with none of the work.

Here’s what I wanted to do at that parent convocation —  scream at the top of my lungs THIS MAN IS A FRAUD! THE DEADBEAT ASSHOLE HASN’T SEEN HIS KID IN YEARS! HAS NOT PAID ONE DIME OF HIS TUITION AND OWES ME CHILD SUPPORT! BUT HE WOULD LIKE YOU ALL TO BELIEVE HE IS ONE OF YOU LOVING, SUPPORTIVE PARENTS HERE TODAY. SPIT ON HIM! REVILE HIM! SHAME HIM!

No. Instead I turned around and drove home. And let him sit in that hot, sweaty tent to listen to canned speeches without my presence.

Was it fair? Hell no. I took two days off work, packed all my son’s stuff, loaded it, unloaded it, folded his socks, made his bed… oh right, and generally raised him by myself for 19 years. But whatever. I wasn’t drinking turd punch that day.

My point is, I fucked up many times on the imperfect path to meh. You will too.

How do I move on?

You forgive yourself. You’re making the best of a horrible situation. Be kind to yourself.

Who knows the motivations of turds in punchbowls? Maybe your ex wanted to get a rise from you. Maybe he’s just narcissistically oblivious and your melt down was an added kibble high for him. Maybe Schmoopie really enjoys the warbling of small children at school assemblies? (Doubtful.)

My guess is your ex misses the pick me dance. There’s poor Schmoopie, having to do impression management, sitting on a metal folding chair for hours, so she can prove to her long-distantant fuckbuddy that she’s worthy. There’s you, recently traumatized by betrayal, having to put up with them both. There’s your son, probably reeling from a divorce, desperate for any attention from his father, even if comes with a side of teenage Schmoopie. There’s you again feeling the injustice of the imbalance.

And there is Sir Turd reveling in his centrality.

Well, fuck him, Hope. Next time, don’t react. Let that cup of shit punch pass you by.

Subscribe
Notify of

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

265 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
paigeup
paigeup
6 years ago

You still have your accumulated meh. Nothing takes that from you. You’re halfway up the mountain, slipped on a stone, felt some regression, but you’re still HALFWAY UP THE MOUNTAIN. Give yourself credit & a hug.

Owlbaby
Owlbaby
6 years ago
Reply to  paigeup

Well said! I needed this perspective!

Andrea
Andrea
6 years ago
Reply to  paigeup

Great analogy!!

GettingThere
GettingThere
6 years ago
Reply to  paigeup

Love this!

GigiG
GigiG
6 years ago
Reply to  paigeup

Accumulated meh. Love it. Let’s all make a deal: mehs cannot be depleted from our accounts, even in the case of fuck ups.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  paigeup

Well said, Paigeup! Great image!

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago
Reply to  paigeup

I guess I always thought of “meh” as a switch not a road….

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  paigeup

Paigeup, I love this!

Nancy
Nancy
6 years ago

There is also the variation of the “turd in the punch bowl”. My narc father that won’t go away is also known as “the turd that won’t flush”.

breezerc
breezerc
6 years ago
Reply to  Nancy

It wasn’t until I typed a line like this into Google that I found CL and CN!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Nancy

LOL!!!

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
6 years ago
Reply to  Nancy

Hahaha love this

mickeyblueeyes
mickeyblueeyes
6 years ago

Hope,

He’s with someone who lives halfway round the world, see’s her 2 times a year, and he takes her to a school concert! I have two kids who I love with all my heart but sitting in a concert hall whilst most of them sing out of tune, its usually hot, cramped and goes on for far too long etc…as lovely as it is, and of course I encourage my kids and smile whilst they perform it really isn’t my idea of fun, but do it out of duty.

So as for taking a new partner to endure one of these shows! I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Who knows what the dynamic is here with your turd of an ex and his shit of a GF? CL probably has it worked out in her last paragraph. He probably enjoyed the centrality and triangulation of having you and his new girlfriend there, we all lose it every now and then…recognising you slipped up is the important lesson to learn from this, forget about it, move on and keep being the same parent.

Mickey

SpecialistInHope
SpecialistInHope
6 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

Yeah he’s all class, bringing Lolita to watch a primary school concert. Lucky lucky her.

Enraged
Enraged
6 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

not probably, it is EXACTLY why the turd brought a young woman there!
There can be fun in that too. A good way to loose your meh would be to go and tell him “How thoughtful of you! You brought a professional to initiate our son in the art of sex!” Out loud, so everyone around him could hear and applaud him!

Where she lives, how long they see each other…could be all fabricated. Who cares? 2 losers with nothing better to do!

TiredChump
TiredChump
6 years ago

I have yet to see STBXH and ho-worker and he has not dared to introduce her to our kids 19-24.
But I have had that same sense of regression from meh – when I hear kids reference him….
For example, we were just at a big party and started talking about fancy cakes – my daughter added that her dad had just been to a one-year-olds’s birthday party (ho-worker is just turning 30 so friends all having babies) where there was a “smash cake” which apparently is a cake the baby crushes for photos – the real cake being for eating.
It set me back to hear about him – and think about him getting married and having a baby (at 57) – and i was somewhat offended that my daughter seemed so comfortable mentioning him in my presence
Then I realized -I WANTED TO HAVE A FANTASTIC Day – celebrating my nieces graduation with all the people I love.
So….I let it slide but the whole thing came close to ruining what was a perfect day.
Meh is hard – but you are mighty ! Don’t drink the turd punch

Enraged
Enraged
6 years ago
Reply to  TiredChump

TiredChump, your kids are young adults. They understand boundaries.
Just let them know that mentioning your X is bothering you. Protect yourself.

My son is 3 and staying with his dad for a month. I cannot put these kind of boundaries with him. I need whatever information he gives me about his stay there. I need to allow him to communicate with me, whatever he feels like.

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  TiredChump

Hey TiredChump — Here is what I am doing these days, because try as I may, I can’t determine when I’ll get triggered. I’m keeping a small Triggered Notebook. I can quickly jot down the offense, promise myself to get back to it, and get back to my current reality. Then, keep my promise to myself: go back to my notebook, read what I wrote, and make a plan to deal with whatever triggered me.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

What a great strategy, QueenMother!

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Thanks Tempest. I got it from Kim Cooper on her Narcissism website

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  TiredChump

Married and having a baby at 57?
Why that sounds like fantastic karma!

little red riding hood
little red riding hood
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

My stbx early 50s and wanted early retirement now has a 2 yr old…Karma for sure lmao

Findingpeace
Findingpeace
6 years ago

14 years ago my stbx complained every weekend at the store that he couldn’t wait until we no longer had to buy diapers, formula and wipes.

The 48 y.o. man child now has a baby with his 24 y.o. coworker. Now she can hear him whine every weekend.

My stbx left us and moved in with coworker. At the time she was 22. Within a couple months she was taking our daughter shopping and manicures. In another couple months the man-child brought his coworker to our daughter’s recital at middle school. The next two recitals they came and sat several rows behind me. The last recital about a month ago they came and coworker was 9 month pregnant.

My daughter’s friend’s parents just looked with amazement and disbelief.

They have no shame. Man-child struts around like he is so proud of himself. I just think of how his son will have the same lack of values passed on to him. No respect for women. Be selfish and care for no one buy yourself. My stbx’s dad was the same way. Stayed out late and cheated on his wives. His dad left man-child’s step-mom to go live with a high school girl, aborted pregnancy, and then return to his wife. Man-child was so disgusted that his step-mom took him back, but then man-child does the same thing – except they had their child.

My heart goes out to everyone who has to deal with these heartless subhumans. Especially the kids that get caught in the middle and have poor examples for parents.

Divorcing them is a nightmare. My stbx tells me how I wouldn’t have my house or car without him. (I’ve worked our whole marriage and we started out with nothing buy garage sale couch and bed). Well, I wouldn’t have a broken marriage and messy divorce, and distraught teenager without him, either.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Findingpeace

Finding peace,
I am so sorry for all you have been through.
YOU are the present, sane, loving parent?
(((((Giant hugs to you)))))

JeanM
JeanM
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

TC, yep..grandpadaddy just turned 54, new addition by his true love who is 24! Yikes. She younger than our daughter and year older than our son.
I know it must feel so grand to be asked “oh is that your granddaughter and daughter.”
And of course they came together because I divorced Peter Pan 5 months after discivery!
Cheers to retirement!!!?

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

THIS 🙂

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

Specialist — make no mistake, your ex created this situation on purpose solely for the drama, and to have others give him the attention he craves.

Shmoopie did the dutiful thing and agreed to it — or maybe she relishes the drama too — but there’s no way she came halfway around the world to listen to the child of her stand-in daddy, whom she barely knows, and his/her classmates torture Mozart or Cole Porter, knowing you’d be there as well. (No insult intended, I’m sure your child is talented.)

Just wondering — was there hand-holding? Arm around the shoulder? Maybe a grope or two? I wouldn’t be at all surprised — it’s exactly what KK and RPD did in front of my girls at my storytelling finals (cheaterssuck and a few other chumps were witnesses).

CL is right — it takes incredible strength and resolve to not react to such overt manipulation. And each of us has it. Forgive yourself, reset the “days without accident” clock, and forge ahead.

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

UXworld, tell us more about your storytelling!

That sounds amazing!!

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

NMM — I’ve posted about it several times in the forums. It’s akin to a poetry slam, but instead everyone participating tells a story on a common theme. I started doing it shortly after d-day and have found I enjoy it very much. I won the “Audience Choice” award in the local finals competition I referenced above.

Craziest incident was posted as a guest blog here last fall — I told about my confrontation with KK and her then-affair partner The Carrot Singer, with the Rider of the Purple Dildo sitting in the crowd with his wife. https://www.chumplady.com/2016/10/the-stranger/

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Wow. Just WOW

Thank you – had missed that one and it gave me shivers. The details differed from my own experience, but the feelings of exploded hollowness felt just the same

Thank you

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Yeah, seeing that was a treat. <——-insert sarcasm font here. KK is the quintessential turd in the bowl but UX was unflappable.

Hope-you will be too. Repeated exposure will give you immunity to the fuckwit patrol. Don't beat yourself up over what would be difficult for any of us and trust that he sucks. You've got this!

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

KK loves to perform. UX for the win!

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago

I’ve told this story here before, but it’s worth repeating today.
My daughter had her senior night with marching band a couple years ago. It’s where the graduating seniors are recognized on the field with their families for their accomplishments.
My daughter was not in a good place with her dad because 10 months earlier he walked out on the family, took up with schmoopie, and then lied to my daughters face when he was asked by her if he had been seeing somebody before he asked for a divorce, for how long, and if that was his reason for leaving because he seemed pretty happy until he wasn’t.
He was told he could attend the game, but not walk her on the field, it was made very clear that schmoopie was not welcome.
He didn’t like being disregarded as her father in this milestone event, showed up…..with her. He introduced her to everyone.
Took what should of been a proud life event for our daughter and shit on it.
My daughter stopped talking to him THAT DAY. It’s been two years since she’s said a word to her dad. I on the other hand lost my shit on him the next day and had a Chernobyl quality meltdown that I regret to this day. Here’s your bowl of kibble, dickhead.
If he had just shown up alone, kept it classy, told her he was proud of her, I wonder if he would be in a different place with her right now.
Then I remember that he is his own worst enemy and if he had managed senior night he would of fucked up something else where he wasn’t being celebrated.
I love the turd in the punchbowl analogy, but it’s almost like a turd in a lazy river……they just float and float and it’s never ending till you choose to get out.

Jasmine
Jasmine
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Yes….they suck. …and they always try to turn someone else’s event into their own. ..a few years back my son was turning 21 …..my son wanted his father there but not his fathers girlfriend. ….but she got invited as it made way less trouble just to deal with it. (Irony was my son said he didn’t want her there because she made everything about herself….was his exact words) anyway ….she turned up drunk….and in a little black cocktail dress to basically a bbq ….my cousin who is a singer was singing during the night with her guitar to entertain while we had meals etc ….ex s girlfriend grabbed ex and danced provocatively with ex to his who families embarrassment. …..until this night I always felt there must be a reason why he left his family and I for her….thinking we’ll it must be my fault ….later in the night they announced their engagement. ….my son was spot on about his summary of her…..but my image I had in my mind was blown out of the water …..she was more disordered than him ….and she looked both a mess ….and like a man dressing as a woman …..it went a long way for me to see that he traded way down and this year they split up…..he has been trying to get back in our lives …..but when you tell people they have to learn to live without you….you cannot honestly be surprised when learn to live without you.
My kids see him sparodically. ….I m long ago at meh ……engaged to be married to a man I wished I d met instead of him…..my ex apparently is doing some self reflection and doesn’t like what has become of his life…..but he is as shallow as a puddle he will move along soon with the next victim ….can’t wait as then he will stop bugging kids to talk to me….I ve been no contact for 3 years now

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

I wouldn’t regret the Chernobyl-level meltdown, even if it fed him kibbles. You were Mama Bear defending your cub. He shit on her day. And she’s a great kid for levying the biggest consequence at all. He’s paying a horrific price for his need for centrality when he wasn’t the purpose of the event. But being a hyena, he’s not equipped to know what he lost.

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

I guess I think that, given the circumstances, both you and your daughter did the right things: you, go Chernobyl on him, this is called sticking up for your daughter — and her, stop talking to the loser.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Paintwidow,

Thank you for this story. My child is in marching band and we will have the same senior night experience two years from now. My ex will probably want to walk across that field despite his having had zero involvement in the band experience. I am already prepared to refuse to walk if he does. I will NOT pretend to be a happy family with him. I hope that my child will understand but am unwilling to pretend if he does not. It just one of the many shitty situations that flow from removing a fuckwit from one’s own life but not the child’s life. If I had a magic wand …

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
6 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

I’m imagining you attending this future event wearing a cute T-shirt with your favorite Chump Lady cartoon on it. It won’t be totally obvious at first.

But then it will be

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

Oh I would totally wear a posh top, with gliterry stylized font that spelled “I am grinning because of how immensely proud I am of my incredible daughter’s achievements and how happy I am for having divorced her dad over his adultery.”

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Perfect!

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

You mean like “I’m with this cheating asshole ===> but only for the next 5 minutes”

“At least sperm donor pays child support on time … ”

“One of us actually knows which instrument our child plays … “

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Do I hear a FRIDAY CHALLENGE????

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
6 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

I am with you, Dixie Chump. One virtue of CL’s website is that it gives me a chance to plan for future problems. I’ll have a version of this situation before long. I sympathize with my children’s desire to have “normal” families and to show their friends that their father “cares” about them (when they have daily personal evidence to the contrary) by including him in public displays of family pride or congratulations. I also do not want to play happy families.

I am not sure what I will do, but hearing the strategies of the people on this site who have already had to manage these wretched situations is helpful.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Yes, meh seems remarkably easy for my kids. Really hard for me.

He brought the homewrecker to daughter’s high school performance even though she has never even met our kids. I was stressed all night and felt great anxiety but didn’t say anything. The focus of that night should be on performing daughter, right? So difficult!

Both our kids responded by choosing to completely ignore him at this event. They did not even look his way or acknowledge his presence. Then, at their next visitation, they explained to him that she does not belong at family events and he should not bring her if he wants to attend. They set that boundary hard and fast – and with no judgement really.

HateHWWs
HateHWWs
6 years ago

I really wish my kids were that strong.

My 20 year old visits his dad, rarely. He did go off on his dad shortly after the separation when he found out about Ho. It was bad and it made me feel good that he was supporting his mom.

Ho Dad now lives with the Ho and they were recently engaged – after being divorced for only 4 months. They waited until the divorce was final to move in together but sleepovers still occurred before the divorce while my 12 year old daughter was at her Dad’s house for HER visitation. No boundaries! No morals! No values! Yet both of them are FB Christians – FAKE!

Only 4 months after the separation, Ho Dad brought Ho to my daughter’s sporting events. My daughter plays 3 sports, year around, and that shit sandwich was delivered to me early on and I have had to see them a couple of times a week, sometimes, for almost 2 years now. I want No Contact really bad!!!

For almost 2 years now, I’ve had to watch my daughter engage with the Ho and she has welcomed her with open arms, which hurts me, a lot. Ho has no boundaries, nor does Ho Dad for that matter, and does things with my daughter that, in my opinion, is not her place (pedicures, manicures, clothes shopping, and the list goes on and on and on.). She posts my daughter on FB all the time and in my opinion acts like she is hers. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it, according to the law. This pisses me off!

Ho has a 7 year old son, which she seems to pay no attention to when I see them. She pours all of her attention to my daughter.

Yes, I’ve lost my shit several (hundred) times but it rarely happens now.

I don’t want him back, at all. Ho did me a favor (did I mention she use to be a friend of mine?). This was the 3rd Ho (I’m sure there were others that I don’t know about). The first one occurred 6 months after we were married. I wish I had CL back then so maybe I wouldn’t have had to spend 23 years in this sham of a marriage but I tried really hard to do the “right” thing, according to my then Pastor.

The bottom line is, I have a really hard time when it comes to my kids and Ho’s no boundaries. And of course, Ho Dad don’t see any boundary issues – asshole!

Ho Dad is narcissistic and now Ho has become an extension of him.

How am I suppose to instill morals and values into my daughter (and my son) when her Ho Dad is doing just the opposite? This really pisses me off, often, but I don’t say anything, for the most part because there’s nothing I can do about it, according to the law. They both know that I don’t want Ho posting my kids’ pics on her FB page – dumb bitch!

Ho Dad knows I hate him. Ho knows I hate her. My kids know I hate them both – but they know it’s because Ho Dad and Ho did my kids wrong!!! I know I should be cordial for the sake of my kids but I just cannot bring myself to do that. When will I get to that point? Will I ever get to that point?

Ho Dad was a Police Sgt until the sexual harassment complaints came barreling in shortly after the separation. He almost lost his job and is now working the beat again like a rookie cop with shift work. He had prostate cancer – I’m leaving this one alone! Karma has been strong!

He has done EVERYTHING wrong yet my daughter won’t stand up to him. (She is a peace-keeper and don’t like any conflict.) My son went months without speaking to him.
When will my daughter figure all this out? Will she ever? Will she ever figure out that Ho is paying her more attention that her own son, Ho Dad & Ho are taking her everywhere they can, buying her everything she wants, and basically letting her do whatever she wants to do? Will my daughter ever stand up for her mom and give Ho Dad a piece of her mind?

I’ve moved on. My life is peaceful but admittedly I’m still angry and bitter – which I have been told a million times to “let it go, it’s not good for you, blah, blah, blah.” I’m waiting for that magical day but I just don’t see it in the near future!

Yes. I’m one of THOSE moms – mess with my kids and you get a side of me that you didn’t know could exist!

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  HateHWWs

Cashmere – when it comes to our kids, the best thing we can do is be true to our values. There is no guarantee, intact families or otherwise, that kids will adopt the values of their parents. We do right and hope for the best.

I will say this though, they SEE everything. When my son made a mother’s day card for me, he listed the reasons he loved me (I’m kind, I help other people, I’m patient when we do his homework). When it came time for the father’s day, the page was blank… and when I asked my son why, he said that he didn’t know why he loved his Dad (so, he is sorting that out on his own).

I’m babbling, but I just want to say… keeping be true to your values. Be the sane parent. Pray for the best. It’s all we can do on any given day.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago

YES
“THIS”

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

My above comment refers to your 1228 PM comment above.

You are spot on!

?

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago

My 7 year old daughter wrote my STBX’s name on the card, instead of dad. Also, around Mother’s Day she becamse insistent on buying my the perfect gift and picking out the perfect card. When it came to father’s day, she didn’t really care. Never asked to buy a gift (I did it for her) and she just picked the first card she found.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

My son picked out a card all on his own… it was the word DAD spelled out in ground beef shrinked wrapped on a piece of styrofoam like you get from the butcher. I’m still laughing! (He’s 11.)

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  HateHWWs

HateHWWs–there is no reason you have to be cordial with X or Ho. The whole goal of divorce and recovery is detach, detach, detach. You are legally detached, still working on the emotional detachment. This is no easy feat, especially with regular confrontations at sporting events. The people who tell you to “get over it” don’t understand, but the advice is good–keep working to get to a point of indifference (or as close as you can get), for your own sake.

Ignore them, including ignoring your daughter’s cordiality to Ho. Chances are very good that she will come around to understanding why you are so adamantly opposed to contact with them (and the focus on your own DD at sporting events is the cheaters’ impression management). Should the topic come up, try to keep emotions out of your explanation to DD (as with teens, emotions detract from the message). Hugs!

GraceInMotion
GraceInMotion
6 years ago
Reply to  HateHWWs

This reminds me deeply of the good cop bad cop scenario. You took on the bad cop role, no choice. Your daughter has accepted the good cop role. Don’t doubt for a moment how unhappy she is with her father. Don’t doubt for a moment how committed she is to you. I believe she’s just may be trying to breathe.

HateHWWs
HateHWWs
6 years ago
Reply to  GraceInMotion

Grace, she is definitely just trying to breathe. She doesn’t open up about anything (probably because she knows I hate them) and I feel like one day she is going to unload on someone.
Thanks for your support!

DirtyWater
DirtyWater
6 years ago
Reply to  HateHWWs

After seeing photos that my ex posted on a dating website soon after we separated, of himself with his arms draped around our teenage daughters, I insisted as part of the divorce that he sign a non-disclosure agreement that prohibits him from posting any photos of the girls in any media, including Facebook. I know many people regularly post photos of their children, but I am personally not comfortable doing so and wanted my daughters to have the choice of what to make public when they are old enough to do so. I can happily report that he has never dared to post one photo although my daughters are now adults.

HateHWWs
HateHWWs
6 years ago
Reply to  DirtyWater

Dirty…I wish I would have known to do this along with a couple other things I’ve since found out…ugh!

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago
Reply to  HateHWWs

That you are surviving their constant presence and the ho’s ongoing claiming of your daughter as her buddy is a testament to your strength.

This is, indeed, the very, very, very hardest part of the whole deal. When I learned that my DS had solicited a letter of recommendation from the slut (he lived and worked with cheater and slut for a whole summer, during which they lied to him as only such people can manage), a little piece of my soul expired on the spot. I think DS saw the whole deal very pragmatically–yes, she’s a slut, but she wrote him a heck of a letter–but what I want, of course, is for both kids to see exactly what went down there, and to reject it on every level. Alas, not going to happen.

DS said, “You get the option of cutting him entirely out of your life, mom, but we don’t. He’s our dad.” I see his point, but I also see that a lot of what DS is after is the financial support and the professional connection. I get it, but still sucks.

Once the two marry–and I think they will do so as soon as divorce is official and DD finishes HS–I know that DS will hang out with them, and just imagining that makes every single cell in my body cringe. Normalizing that? Pretending it’s okay? Ugh.

Maybe someday these poor damaged kids will figure it all out, but maybe not, too. I guess all we can do is to keep on living lives of integrity and hope for the best. It’s a leap of faith. No net.

Oh, fun fact: featured right at the very top of slut’s resume are her core values. Among them, integrity.

Heh.

HateHWWs
HateHWWs
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Thanks for the support cashmere! Being OCD, I hate this messy mess with no definite answers!

breezerc
breezerc
6 years ago
Reply to  HateHWWs

Exactly, HateHWWs! I want to know what the outcome is or to get the mess out of the way.

Ho is a colleague of mine and I am currently in pre-intro to Ho and their baby stage… although the kids know her, just not in her new capacity. Ho got pregnant immediately at the beginning of the affair, baby is now here. Thankfully STBX has kept the two families separated and leads two lives.

I think this is because there is a healthy fear of me, as well as a slight amount of remorse from him, him not wanting to break his illusion of being a great father, him being unemployed and needing a meal ticket as this one has dried up… him not wanting to be in that relationship however has to stay so to maintain the meal ticket or get a job… nah, that is too much hard work!

It’s the STBX that won’t get on with his life… I am happy for this merge of families not to take place however realise that the time will come and when it does I don’t know what the next round of emotional fallout is going to be for my kids. I don’t want to push the merge but I want to know what the future holds for my kids and how to get on with our lives….?

He continues to eat cake and lead two lives…

Jodi Lynch
Jodi Lynch
6 years ago

You have great kids.

I do too.

They can be really amazing, can’t they.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago
Reply to  Jodi Lynch

Right??? They are mighty.

I love it when the kids turn down the turd punch as well. I love that I have raised kids that are able to set boundaries and just walk when it’s toxic…..even if it’s their dad.
If my kids want a relationship with him ever, that’s their decision, I support them in whatever they decide.
In the mean time, I get to enjoy my two amazing kids going to college, starting careers and families, getting to know them as adults.
He’s lost the chance to have that, for a piece of ass.
Now his hot affair partner has him paying all her bills and driving her kids in carpool.
Whatever…

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

Yes they just show up to bask in the glory for show, don’t they. I’ve had a similar experience of having him show up to my granddaughter’s play after I spent months driving her to and picking her up from daily practices. In the end the Limited’s whore ran me off the road as I left her final performance. I called the police and put an end to the abuse once and for all.

This is what the Limited didn’t get, Hope. He didn’t get to know her friends, their nicknames, and the silly inside jokes I was part of as I parented. He didn’t get to celebrate the process which was shared. All those after parties as I sat silently in my car waiting. Her birthday celebration at the beach with the cast members. Or reuniting with her friends as they ran across the parking lot and hugged ME.

And another summer show has begun and my lovey sleeps over four nights a week. I get to hug her nightly and listen to her singing as I lay in my bed. I arrange my life around what is important. And he texts her with no response. Your son is young. Children want to be loved. As they grow breadcrumbs are replaced with authenticity. Now, he cries. He wants to be a part of her life. Three years of not knowing her and yes, he’s the turd in the punch bowl. I accept no responsibility. I’m there every day to give her a hug and to provide support through the teen years with boyfriends, disappointments, and above all loving her for being an amazing gift.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Your post is beautiful!

“YES”

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Doingme,
My above response post(3:02 PM), was to your post at 6:49 AM.
I am not doing well getting my replies in the correct spot.
I need sleep.
I am sorry if my posts don’t make sense the last few days.
Hugs to CN!❤️

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

What these idiots don’t understand about marching bands, choruses, plays and championship games is that the process of getting there is what makes it sweet. The grind of practice, of travel (in sports), of giving up free time, of getting uniforms and costumes ready–all of that is part of getting to the championship or Senior Night or graduation. The disordered want to show up on the day when the recognition for them is on the table. They respect nothing, not the people, the effort required or the process.

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

I often think of how I drove two kids around to different soccer tournaments all over the country the year my ex decided he and schmoopie coworker needed to show his horse all over the country too. There was no discussion with me about what kind of time it would take away from the family, etc. He just started entering the horse in all kind of shows and had schmoopie coworker riding it for him.

When I think of all the time I invested in my kids and how they seem to enjoy staying with their families at his big resort home it sure does hurt. He wasn’t the one who was there for them when they were little in the day to day grind (although he was almost always there for their games). When I think of how both my kids and their families enjoy his new resort home, while mine is too small to accommodate everyone, it makes me feel like I shouldn’t have done so much for them. However, I try to keep those thoughts to myself and just enjoy the kids when I do see them. One of them invited me to go on vacation with his family this year, so that’s progress.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Lyn–that sucks. Perhaps they’re just taking from him shallow benefits because they know that is all they will get from him. You are the substantial parent; your children surely realize it.

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Yes, this. I was present for the daily details of their lives, and this is something that the cheater failed to value. Now, he’s jealous of my connection to DD especially, but never seems to figure out that she rejects him mainly because he discarded her, and still does, always prioritizing the slut.

Oh, gosh. The hours upon hours spent taking them to practices, watching them practice, watching them compete. Plus being there for every bit of their social, emotional, and academic doings. Listening, paying attention, guiding, reassuring, sometimes correcting. Sucking up the nastier bits of pre-teen and teen attitude shifts, and staying the course with firmness and love. Long car rides of just listening and chatting. The deepest discussions with them always do seem to unfold in the seemingly small moments: car rides, laying on the floor together petting the dog, outside watering the gardens, whatever.

He can never get back what he missed, but he can purchase their attention in ways I can never equal. Drives me nuts, but on the whole I would much rather have those small moments, which are the ones that truly matter.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Agree, Cashmere. I did 90% of the parenting of my children, and 99% of the gruntwork/seemingly thankless tasks. Now my rewards are in the small things that show my children rely on me (even the daughter who is still in touch with Hannibal).

When oldest daughter got a flat tire at college in the pouring rain, she called me to help her from afar. While it took up 2 hours of my time to arrange for towtrucks by phone in a distant city, and I had to take the numerous phone calls from a grumpy, soaking wet daughter, the message was that I am the parent that can be counted on. Pure gold to a mom’s heart.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

“Pure Gold To A Mom’s Heart”

Tempest, this,
And YOU are Pure Gold to your daughters. I know, CL, CN knows that you are!

I have not visited CL, CN for days. You had been my first morning thought in the past.
Family happenings.
I, as you Tempest, have 2 daughters.
My oldest daughter just lost her husband, a massive heart attack.
Her CPR skills could not save him. Her two small children watched her dial EMS as she commenced unsuccessful CPR.
My every day life came to a halt. I got the call, have been at her side since then.
I know I am the sane, present loving parent. I would do anything for each daughter.
Tempest, when I got to the hospital and looked at his lifeless body my first thought was, geeez God, he was a good husband and father, he wasn’t even a cheater.
It does not mean I would ever wish this on my cheater or any cheater but I just had to tell the higher powers hat I thought this was very shitty – taking a good decent man away from his family.
A sane, loving, present, parent that is what we Chumps will continue to be.
I am blessed that way, as each of you fellow chumps are blessed.
Xxx
Love,
Peacekeeper

Working It Out
Working It Out
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

I am so very sorry for your family’s loss.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Working It Out

Working It Out,

Thank you for your thoughtful post.

I notice today I am escaping to CL CN more frequently.
My fingers are typing responses. My heart feels lighter.

CL, CN, you all are amazing, real, caring, very special people to me.
Each one of you!
❤️

Meh or Bust
Meh or Bust
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Peacekeeper, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine the heartbreak and grief you and your daughter must feel. Please know that both of you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Meh or Bust

Meh or Bust,
It is so kind of you to reach out to me. Thank you.
Every once in a while I check in on CL, CN and my heart is warmed every time.
I feel such a connection to so many Chumps.
I feel like I know so many of you.
I guess, in my heart, I do!
Oxo’s

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Oh Peacekeeper, such a loss! I am so sorry. My sincere condolences to you and your family.

Beth

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Dear Beth,
Thank you. You have such a beautiful smile when I read your posts.
I think you also have 2 daughters. I am having some difficulty thinking straight.
Not much sleep, I return to my home to get a change of clothes and to do food prep.
Funny, I always see my role as the nourisher, feeding my family.
( now if I could just get my older daughter to eat)!
Bless your heart for taking the time to reach out to me.
Xxx

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

So sorry for your loss, Peacekeeper and daughter!!

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Your kindness means the world to me Queen Mother.
Thank you for caring.
Xxx

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Oh, Peacekeeper, I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter’s husband! How helpless she must have felt dialing EMS. He sounds like a wonderful man, and he will live on in all your hearts and the influence he will have on his wife and daughters going forward. I continued to “talk” to my mother for at least a year after she passed, and found it comforting that I always knew how she would have responded.

You have been a warm, supportive mother to your own daughter, and she will pass those blessings on to her own.

My deepest condolences and love to you and your family. xo

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Ah Tempest,
I have to tell you I feel a bond to you when I read many of your posts.
Our younger daughters share a lot of similarities it seems.
These are difficult days. Most hours I am strong.
I have said to other Chumps that CL, CN is not fictional. You, we, are
real people, reaching out, holding each other up, sharing good times and bad.
Thank you Tempest, for being a caring Chump friend and thank you for reaching out to me.
❤️

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. Sending a virtual hug your way.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Dear JessMom,
I feel your hug.
Your kindness touches my heart and I thank you for
reaching out to me.
❤️

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Peacekeeper, I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your son-in-law. My thoughts are with you and your family. Life can be so unfair!

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Thank you Lyn,
Yes, life can be unfair.
I am thankful for the strong bond found on CL, CN site.
Bless your heart for reaching out to me.
Your kindness helps!
❤️

chumpinrecovery
chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

In our case DD would call STBX, not because she loves him more or trusts him more but because she so desperately wants/needs positive attention from him. She rarely gets it (he has always been critical), but that is the one time when he would go out of his way to be helpful and show he cares (I think he actually does care about her too, but just doesn’t know how to connect, sad really). I also think that I would not be hurt by a scenario like that because I understand it for what it is. Of course I would do my best to help if she did call me instead.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago

True, sometimes they want something/anything positive from the errant parent.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

That is worth remembering. Sometimes kids are desperate for that and it can look to a chump like “preferring” that parent, when it is just a desperate bid for some attention.

meh.twain
meh.twain
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Thanks for these comments, really needed to read them right now.

MJB
MJB
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

This made me cry. You live an authentic life with real love. He will never know this. Hope the ho was worth it for him.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  MJB

MJB

I no longer think of it in terms of my loss; gaining a life has that impact. I’d rather think in terms of what he gets..she gets. He gets a borderline sociopath with an extensive arrest record (assault, felony drug charges), lacking the ability to earn a living, and ugly as sin. She gets a malignant covert narcissist sociopath pathological liar who wets the bed, has a two inch dick, and always cheats. Motherfucker, match made in hell. Hehe.

Hail, CL/CN. Living better, Meh.

chumpinrecovery
chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

The other day our dog got hurt (minor she is fine now). STBX came and spent a couple of hours with the dog to comfort her (not at the house, he took her to the outskirts of the youngest’s BB game). I remember thinking “poor guy, he really misses the dog”. then I thought “He got Schmoopie, I go the dog, I win”. 🙂

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

DM – did you get hurt after the road rage or were you able to escape injury?

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

I wasn’t hurt VC. She was driving at an excessive speed and I was forced off the road. She nearly sideswiped my car. Didn’t know it was the whore until I reached a red light and she was crazed. There is no doubt in my mind she would harm me if given the chance. She harassed me for well over two years, broke into my home and car. Previous to this incident I filed a report with the state police however they couldn’t do anything unless she threatened to kill. Unbelievable. The best ending to this is when she catches him cheating. I suspect she will kill him and end up in jail. One can hope.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
6 years ago

OMG…I could go on and on about the flaunting of Ho-worker in front of our small town WHILE. WE. WERE. STILL. MARRIED.

But I digress.. trust they suck. Ignore him and his next victim.

Findingpeace
Findingpeace
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

The flaunting of the ho-worker while still married….

They just had a baby. My MIL posted pictures on Facebook and people post comments like congratulations! Etc.

And I’m thinking – but he’s married…

My stbx was texting me how stupid I am for not believing something he claims he did – and then he texted me that I am not his wife….

Lol.. then why are we going through this messy divorce?

They create their own reality to justify their dirty deeds.

nomar
nomar
6 years ago

I don’t think Meh is an all-or-nothing proposition. I think it accumulates little by little around the various issues related to our infidelity experience: say, sexual, domestic, financial, and usually last of all, with the parenting of our kids. We may be completely Meh about our cheating ex boinking co-workers long before we’re able to send our kids to our ex’s house for the weekend.

Give meh time. It is arriving little by little every day, even as you sleep. You may not be entirely meh about a given issue on a given day, but have faith that you’re getting there.

That’s the way I think of Meh:
Mightiness
Expanding
Hourly

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

I like the idea of MEH coming even while you sleep. For years my dreams were full of discussions with me ex, of trying to reach him, etc. I rarely dream of him any more. So maybe MEH has finally arrived in my dreams.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Great to make MEH an acronym, and what an acronym.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

So good, Nomar!!!

AuntieMame
AuntieMame
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

I wish we had a like button. I’d like this a dozen times.

kmanning
kmanning
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Beautifully put, Nomar. Especially in light of the recent discussion re: Chumps, cheaters and grace. I think that Chumps hold themselves to a high set of standards (lets call it a moral code), and when we fall short, we punish ourselves.

None of us is perfect; for me each day I tell myself I will try to do better.

And my “better” is good enough!

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
6 years ago
Reply to  kmanning

Yes! I don’t think I will ever be completely “Meh” because of the continuing abuse of me through the kids.

I am waiting and praying for them to see the light and come home. Surely they can’t keep up the facade for much longer.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Along the same line, I think of Meh as specific to my relationship with the Edgar Suit. Totally Meh there. I don’t care what he does or who he does it with or what he says about me. He is not a part of my life at all. But I will never be Meh about his effect on my kids. I will always hurt for them, be protective of them, and feel a degree of guilt (and quite possibly homicidal rage) when I can’t protect them from the effects of having a completely selfish. disordered narc fucktard for a father. Doesn’t matter that they are adults. I will never get to Meh where they and their father are concerned. And I’m okay with that.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Spot on Beth, shared custody is by far the hardest aspect to me: knowingly having to expose our daughter to his dysfuntion thanks to misinformed professionals in family law is really difficult to reframe, especially given the risk that kids might align with the dysfunction like we saw Tim’s kids do earlier this week…

Unfair but there is no othe way but to forge on to Meh…

One Step at a Time
One Step at a Time
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Couldn’t agree more, Beth!!

Don’t care anything about xhole and howife but have a extremely difficult time when it affects my children (doesn’t matter that they are grown).

Great response!!

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Beth, I hear you on the kid’s thing. I repeatedly remind myself of what I cannot control. Time is the real factor. These assholes can’t maintain relationships. It’s pretty easy to prey on the love of adult children for kibbles as time marches forward. And I remind myself of how I lathered on the Spackle and managed his image for years to my children. What child doesn’t want to believe in that good guy image despite the contradictions? Yes, we modeled cognitive dissonance until we found clarity.

I gave up that inclination to control the outcome. I model the silent strength true integrity brings. What they share with him is superficial. A few beers, watching the whore smile at his wonderfulness and throwing out a gift card for holidays. Moreover, I feel sad for their reality. Dad is an asshole who threw away his LIFE because he’s a very sick individual. And I have to tolerate their unspoken anger after being in his company (a few times a year).

The difference between us is evident in actions. He says…I do. He’s still future faking with the whore throwing out his impossible dream…..spewing out words with no substance. His delusions of grandeur are unsustainable as ever. They always hang themselves, Beth. The circus monkeys always perform yet the audience dwindles over time. It’s the same old show.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Doingme,

OMG,

“He says, I do”

THIS

EXACTLY, EXACTLY!!

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

DM, I absolutely agree! Time is the factor. My daughter has nothing to do with her dad and in fact, changed her last name to my maiden name when I changed mine back. I don’t anticipate there will ever be a relationship there. If there ever is, I will know she walked into it with eyes wide open. My son, has had a train wreck of a year and is clutching at any straw to make himself feel better, including reopening a relationship with his dad. And of course, Edgar Suit is playing on son’s wounded heart, talking about how alone he is (he LIVES with his stripper/fluffer GF how is that being alone but whatever), how his life sucks (THAT I believe), how much he loves the kids, etc. But I’m still the one my son turns to when he needs help. I’m the one who has been there for my boy every day through this sucky year, giving him a shoulder to lean on and a cheering section when he needs one. His relationship with his dad will always be superficial because that’s all ES has got to give. So I’m keeping my mouth shut – and keeping myself prepared to pick up the pieces when ES inevitably lets son down again. And as you said, I continue to model strength and integrity. Like you, I feel sad that they will never experience what it is like to have a truly wonderful father the way I did. Meanwhile, that Mama Bear homicidal rage keeps simmering. It’s always going to be there as long as ES is on the planet and has the potential to hurt my kids. I have no problem with that at all.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Beth–the same-sex children of cheaters always have the dilemma of knowing that their (often) biggest role model sucks dinosaur balls. They frantically want this not to be the case, and may need those extra sessions of beating-their-head-against-the-wall for it to sink in.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

That is exactly what is happening Tempest and your wording is spot on. My son knows his dad is a lying, cheating, stealing narc who, once son was past the young-boy-hero-worship phase, demeaned him constantly. My son “frantically want[s] this not to be the case”. He wants the dad he adored and admired back and dad wants that adoration and admiration back even more. Damn reality for getting in the way. I wish I could prevent my son from experiencing the inevitable disillusionment but I can’t. And I guess, he really needs to grasp this for himself – those extra sessions that you mentioned. Maybe the headache will make it real?

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Hi Beth,

I come to CN, read a few posts at a time,
Still not much sleep, raw emotions when I look at my daughter and her children, trying to pick up the pieces. No words for it, no words, maybe in time, but I can’t even imagine finding peace.

I remember saying in one of my posts to you that I thought you had 2 daughters. I see I was incorrect. You have a son and a daughter. ( I promise I will remember).

I am so sorry for the pain your daughter and your son have lived through and for what you have endured.
You are a very strong person and have passed this strength through to your children.
Still, the fact that you and they have to survive in the aftermath is so very unfair.

I hate what cheaters do to good people!
I hate how they put scars on our heart.

❤️
Love and strength to all Chumps.
You, each one of you, are mighty!
We are miles high above them!

HateHWWs
HateHWWs
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Perfectly explained, Beth. I’m right there with you!

Mom Of The Good Guys
Mom Of The Good Guys
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

The Edgar suit! Best nickname ever!! My husband does a pretty good imitation of “Egga”, which never fails to make me laugh. Rock on!

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Love the acronym Nomar!

KeepSmiling
KeepSmiling
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

This is perfect! Great way to explain MEH! Sometimes I am hard on myself for not being consistently MEH about all things, all the time but this makes me feel better.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Nomar, very insightful! Thank you for this.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Love this!!!

PhysicsGal
PhysicsGal
6 years ago

This experience resonates with me as I caught myself and my daughter focussed solely on if and possibly when the turd in a bowl would appear at my son’s drama production. It was my “face palm” moment.

He shows up late, if at all, leaves early sometimes not even talking to/hugging DS or DD but he always brings replacement newest edition with him. That he routinely shows up to DS events and not DD’s is the most brutal.

For me, what’s maddening is that he can’t see past himself how hurtful his behaviour is. But…

Chump lady is spot on with – anyone can show up and take a bow after all the hard work is done. I repeat that to myself every time, Foty parades himself with pink cow 2.0 thru the public events that he can claim an accomplished child.

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago

Ow only ever showed up at one family event, nowdeadcheaters military retirement (I think there were 2 of them there).

My daughter danced ballet with the same group of kids from 3rd grade –> HS graduation and dads leaving moms and showing up at The Nutcracker with Schmoopie was a thing…and we all saw the nastiness for what it was. One in particular had this Schmoopie that (no shit) looked like Cruella DeVille.

People with keen radar can see this shit from a mile away and the cheater/schmoopies only show themselves for being the asses that they are.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Perhaps the human side dishes who attend the children’s events (recitals,games,graduations,etc.) should be greeted as such-hand extended with the greeting “Hi Schmoopie (don’t call them by their actual name,even if you know it ). I’m (insert name), (child’s name)’s mother/father” and then leave.

Not exactly meh but part of the Chump Revolution.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago

Just looked at urban dictionary and realized Tracy’s definition of schmoopie needs to be added.

Roberta
Roberta
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicornnomore, I would have to believe that you were unaware at the time he retired that these women were OWs. I would have lost my shit if it were me, but I’m not cool at all when I get obviously shit on, military bearing be damned! It’s a slap in the face to a military wife who has worked, IMHO, doubly hard to hold a family together through numerous moves and all the inherent issues that come with it! And the “good” military wife steps in and handles it all so our military man can focus on his “mission”! Was the OW there when my kids had a fit cause we were moving to “MCB Backwater Nowhere” for three years? Hell NO! Was OW there when we juggled the budget to run a household, plan for food, plan for back to school on the pitiful pay these guys get? Hell NO! Did they have to put a house together that seemed warm and inviting and comfortable every three years or less? Hell NO! Did they shoulder the burden of “holding down the fort” while the husband was gone for months on end or traveling constantly? Hell NO! Oh Lord I could go on and on! They don’t deserve to even ATTEND the retirement ceremony. They did ZERO! Makes my blood boil!

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

No, I really didnt have any real disclosure at the time. I was 8 weeks past the “I want a divorce but there is no one else” speech and very suspicious of him and Susan of Seattle, but had no proof and I was still convinced that he would never do such a thing. I didnt realize that Dee of Boston likely fucked him in the 1997/98 era – I put those pieces together later.

At the event, I was “pick me dancing” for all I was worth. I dont have the first guess of what UNM of 2015 (who learned about the cheating) would have done had she known about it at the retirement….I probably wouldnt have gone … Dee & Susan could have duked it out.

But I made huge sacrifices to be a military wife and keep his world running like a well oiled machine. The fact that he invited these fucking whores while not bothering to make sure that all his kids could be there (oldest son was in HS an his finals were that day…cheater could have scheduled any day, the idea of asking his kid if he could be there never occurred to the fucker) still pisses me off to this day.

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
6 years ago

My guess is the ex is showing off. He’s using the kid’s concert as an excuse to have everyone see his wonderful, lovely, awesome girlfriend. A lot of douchy guys do this.
For what it’s worth, Hope, take comfort in the fact that there’s probably something really wrong with this woman that he hasn’t discovered yet. If she’s really that young, and that pretty, why does she need to be with a man she can’t see but twice a year?

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago

They don’t call them “trophy girlfriends” and “trophy wives” for nothing. It’s the stupid idea that younger is an upgrade when it just makes the man look pathetic. A cliché.

As to why the younger woman would want to be involved with him: marriage –> citizenship.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Citizenship or gold digger, those were my thoughts.

kellyp
kellyp
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

Why choose? LOL

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago

World, how do you mean “really wrong”? Personality disorder? Bad speller? Gambling?

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
6 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

Maybe a personality disorder, but maybe she’s obnoxious, or she has another guy on the hook locally, or she’s just plain old bat-sh*t-crazy. I’m just speculating, of course, but from my experience there is a darn good reason why an otherwise attractive young woman feels the need to latch onto a much older guy who lives thousands of miles away. Maybe she’s scared all the local guys away, or maybe there’s a reason she needs her boyfriend to not see her on a regular basis. I’ve known a couple of older guys who have gotten caught up like this, and they regretted it later.
Again, I’m just speculating, and I’m just trying to make Hope feel better.
I don’t want this to sidetrack the bigger issue. He’s using the kid’s concert to show off what a stud he is…pathetic!

chumpinrecovery
chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

In my case the sound of Schmoopie’s real name fills me with rage. I don’t know why that is particularly true. It’s really STBX that is the problem and who cares if she is referred to by her name or as “my girlfriend” or whatever. It might be partly because it is such a flowery and pretentious name and she definitely doesn’t live up to it. Or maybe it is because it is likely one of the things that attracts him because it has an image associated with it and he is all about image over substance. To me her very name is a lie.

Anyway, it is a funny thing that something like that can set me off. So far I have not specifically shown my loss of met over hearing her name, but I do lose it inside. Needless to say I never say her name myself when referring to her. There are situations where the term “Schmoopie” is not appropriate, but then she just becomes “her”. At one point he was trying to protect her by saying that if I really must tell people about her existence, I should not use names. Not a problem. To me she is “she who must not be named”. I will know I am at meh when I can say her or hear name and it doesn’t bother me. Luckily it is an unusual enough name that I am not likely to encounter others with that name and immediately have negative associations with that person.

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago

LOL. Thinking about OW names … when I was looking for a new home my realtor showed me one on the street that had the same name as Schmoopie coworker. I don’t care how awesome the house was, no way would I ever live in a home with her name in the address.

BlindsidedbyEvilOnes
BlindsidedbyEvilOnes
6 years ago

I too, can not bear to say the OW name nor to hear her name spoken. I refer to my ex as Dick and the OW as HIC (Herpes Infected C*NT)….

So when I talk to my friends it’s Dick and HIC. If I reference the OW in front of my grown daughters, I refer to her as “his thing”.

beenchumped
beenchumped
6 years ago

I LOVE “his thing” and I may have to adopt that nugget into my vocabulary! Thank you so much Blandsided!

Beenchumped
Beenchumped
6 years ago

Ugh– me also!!! Her name is actually funny and reeks “I’m a stripper” and rhymes with X’s name; which is also funny. But I CAN’T say her name without feeling sick or mad. I call her “trailer park whore” to my friends, and “his little friend” or “her” around my kids and people I don’t care to use the word whore around. But I can’t say it. That’s not healthy in persist of meh I’m sure. I know he sucks and I also know she sucks (yay for me that she is totally uneducated, tacky, dresses slutty to work, has the vocab of a 5 year old according to my 19 year old, is overweight (which is fine except funny because X has had her ass in the gym training with him for 3 years now trying to whip her into the kind of shape he finds acceptable) she was fucking her married boss before changing to my then wed husband and they still all work together, she is a current alcoholic, she is a former drug addict, and I happen to know he has already cheater on her (she doesn’t know his), she cheated on her 1st husband… he is a major serial cheater so it likely won’t last. So, yep it’s a sisfinctional clusterfuck. And, basically I know fully that he traded down BUT the situation and her and even her damn name still make me mad/hurt/sick to my stomach. Maybe because he sang her sexual praises so much during our divorce? He is a porn addict also and one grievance was that he couldn’t ask me for his fantasies like group sex because I am ” too judgemental.” So, I imaging TPW’s main quality is acting like a prostitute in bed while he showers her with money (and gives his children nothing.) Divorce was 7 months ago. The final D day was 2 years ago.

Side note- How do I work on meh when he shows up at kids’ milestone event like a proud Dad when he didn’t financially support them at all! It boils my blood he won’t pay for the activities (expensive, high level stuff for both kids) but is always around to take credit for their accomploahments! It SO pisses me off.

I’m typing on my phone- it’s probably a mess. Sorry!

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago

Chumpinrecovery–oh, honey. I wish I could print the list of unusual names that X banged on his road to splitting half the assets. It’s almost as if he went in search of stripper names that only 1 in 4 billion people have.

Here’s how to overcome that–say the name over and over to yourself, out loud, whenever you are alone. Write it in notebooks, until it has no emotional association whatsoever. Draw AP’s name in flowery font until it makes you laugh (don’t forget the hearts over the i). It’s a way to uncouple the name from your experiences.

A friend had a dog with the same name as X’s main AP (the one I divorced him over). A circumstance arose in that the dog would have to find a new home, and I considered adopting the dog, but thought “I’ll have to change her name.” But then the thought occurred to me, no, if I adopt the dog, I’ll keep the name because then I can joke that both X and I had a bitch named _______________.

Meh or Bust
Meh or Bust
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

This thing with names. When Porky Pig left, he moved in with a friend, also named Porky Pig. The OW/Yoga Whore is also named Porky Pig. Porky Pig’s other work friend that the three of them hang out with is also named Porky Pig. Is it weird that Porky Pig is filling his new wonderful life with people who are all named Porky Pig? If and when I meet anyone new with that name, I am going to run for my life!

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, that would’ve been no joke – just straight up fact: ” I can joke that both X and I had a bitch named _______________.” But funny regardless. 🙂

2Janes
2Janes
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

My husband’s skank girlfriend has the exact same first name as me. It hurts to say, hear, see or write my own name now. I hate it. It’s not even a common name for my age group. My 4 yr old son (at the time) said “mommy, there are 2 “Janes”. You and daddy’s friend.”

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  2Janes

That sucks. Does your name lend itself to a nickname? Or you could just call OW “skank girlfriend” ; ).

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago

I have this fantasy that – had he lived and they had stayed together – I would have come up with a new name for Susan of Seattle every time I saw the would-have-been-X. Like “Oh where is ‘She who farts rainbows’ today?” or “So I see that ‘she who reeks Biblical destruction’ must have a nail appt today”, or “Will ‘ladyparts worth family abandonment’ be at the play on Saturday?”

OK, its the most un-meh thing ever and only a fantasy as this scenario didnt come to full fruition, but it was fun to concoct in my head.

HateHWWs
HateHWWs
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I LOVE THIS, Unicorn!!!
Very creative!!

chumpinrecovery
chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I’ll have to try that. Every time I hear her name I will replace it in my head with one of your suggestions.

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago

After I discovered cheater at whores house, filed, he slept, ate in basement. .for 8 months.
During this time he brought whore around his family, came a to dance class with her- arm around her & laughing me.

It caused me great stress while my heart was breaking. These cruel narcs have no soul or understanding of their actions & after 34 years married , become their TRUE selves.

I pray every day of justice for them both. Not sure if I’ll ever reach “Meh”.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Kathleen, if you want justice, it’s in your hands. Get to Meh. That’s justice. Take away their triangle (even though now it’s only in their minds). Take away their centrality. Build your awesome life and let them see you are mighty (MEH being “mightiness expanding hourly,” according to Nomar). You can do that. You can be mighty. That doesn’t mean you won’t feel sad or angry. Just that you are always working on the mighty. And on some Tuesday, you will wake up and not think of him at all.

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Perfect advice, LAJ!

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

I feel for you Kathleen.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Kathleen, the sweetest justice really is living better. They also laughed at me when I was broken. Very sick fuck sadists to laugh together over hurting the innocent. She mocked me using the nickname he gave me at sixteen years old.

Recognize how malignant a person has to be to act this way. Then start taking care of your needs. What I found in his absence was peace and freedom. You are free Kathleen. Live better; karma for them is the loss of our goodness.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

DM beat me to it. — After three years post Dday, I sometimes find I have little to “pay back” to CL/CN, but this may be one place. Do your best to give up on karma. It comes in many forms and it may not come immediately or where you can see it. My comfort come from realizing that XH is a hopelessly shallow person who is never truly satisfied by anything so he’s always frantically chasing after the next new thing. I personally firmly believe he paints a brave face but in reality he sees his aging self in the mirror and totally freaks out about it. Furthermore, I know from experience that OW gets no great prize, as he will never really “be there” for her when Life’s eventual shitstorm knocks on their door.

The platitudes are plentiful on this topic: “Try not to waste too much of today on yesterday.” “When gazing back at the past, try not to stare.” “Life doesn’t happen in the rearview mirror.” Etc. But in my experience, they’re all true. The only thing that helped me move on to Meh was to think of him as little as possible. Watching for Karma prevented me from doing that, so I stopped.

Beenchumped
Beenchumped
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

I don’t think I will either Kathleen. I have this feeling that if I don’t see some damn karma I can’t heal. I know that’s immature and that life isn’t fair but I just feel incredibly stuck on that premise.

chumpinrecovery
chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

STBX has made it clear that he is not comfortable being at family functions if I am present. So far he hasn’t tried to bring Schmoopie when the kids and I are there, but I am sure he would feel the same way if she were there too. I believe all of this is because he fears triangulation would backfire on him. When I am with his family these days I tend to spend a lot of time talking to them and he is kind of left on the sidelines. He probably fears the same would happen if he were there with Schmoopie. I have told his family that I will not be attending family parties in the future even if the kids are present, because if I go, he won’t and it doesn’t seem right to even indirectly keep him away from his family even if he is an asshole. I told them I could still see them at other times, but I probably want to wait until I am closer to meh so I am not tempted to talk about him or Schmoopie.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago

This is making me so relieved that I never slept with Rhys.

Dawn
Dawn
6 years ago

I think you did amazing!! We have all been through so much, lied to, manipulated, rejected, of course you get to loose your meh sometimes but you recognized it asked for support and here you are ? He doesn’t get to keep hurting you over and over but he will try, it’s what they do. Give yourself a ton of credit for getting thus far, buy yourself some flowers and let her have all of him!!!

Blindside
Blindside
6 years ago

It stinks to have these people as co-parents for sure. If it weren’t for my kids, I’d have no problem never seeing or speaking with my ex for the rest of my life. My family currently has no interest in speaking with her now and they avoid her at all costs. The problem is that my kids are fairly young and have tons of school/sports activities that we all attend. My family always has an escape plan ready when they see her (I’d love to too, but that’s not something I have the liberty to do).

I’m cordial with my ex to the extent I need to be, as my goal is to keep the kids’ lives as normal as possible. But it sucks having to be like a neutral party between my family and her. And it sucks having to mingle with her among all of my kids’ teammates parents, many of whom know about what went on.

But, it’s something you just need to soldier through. It’s like going to work on a Monday, you know it’s coming, you know you hate it, but every week there’s no choice but to suck it up and deal with it.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago

Traveling the World,
I thought the same thing. This arrangement probably also provides him the ability to “cheat” on her too. ( can you be a cheater and in a relationship with somebody you only have seen in person twice?)
While I’m still infuriated that my ex showed with his AP to such a huge event I now know this:
1. For him to do something that he knows would upset his child on his/ her day speaks volumes about him.
2. For her to show up at an event like this just screams insecurity. If she were comfortable in her relationship and how she came into it, she would excuse herself from such events until THE CHILD felt okay with her attending.
Selfish assholes, it’s all about them…

MJB
MJB
6 years ago

It’s one thing for these fuckwits to throw schmoopie in your face, but another to do so in your children’s faces. It’s one thing to reach ‘meh’ for yourself, but I think reaching the ‘meh’ for the family unit is the final hurdle. I’m on vacation with my kiddos now. Something we used to do as a family unit. I really can’t imagine ever being married to fuckwit again. But my final step is grieving the family unit.

Why would a fuckwit bring a schmoopie to a child’s performance? Why would a schmoopie go? Because they really only think about themselves. Not their ex. Not their kids. This is who they are. Trust that they suck. You can’t shielf your kids from this. Your children will realize they suck too in due time.

Nanki Poo
Nanki Poo
6 years ago

Cheaters really are all the same.

My cheating EW texted me at the start of DD’s grade school year, saying she wanted to take DD to the orientation day. I had custody that day, so already planned on taking her, thanks. Well, cheating EW states she wants to show up anyway. Hey, it’s a free country, do what you want.

When I arrived with DD, CEW was, of course, already in the classroom. When I said hello to the new teacher, she said “oh, I’ve just already met DD’s mother” and did in a way that clearly showed that she understood the scenario and was warning me (talk about a great teacher!).

CEW sat at DD’s desk during the entire thing, took all of the paperwork so that I couldn’t even view it, and when given the chance to write a note of encouragement to DD, CEW took up the entire page with oversized letters, leaving no room (I had to write a short note on the back).

The other class families and I had a good laugh about it. I mean, the grade school kids were exhibiting more mature behavior than my 45 year old CEW in that scenario.

The point is, you stop being appalled and pissed off at most of the cheater behavior at some point, and you just accept it as them being idiotic, selfish, entitled douchecanoes. In other words, you accept that they will be themselves.

Hope – just keep doing what you are doing. You are well on your way, and you **WILL** reach a point where your life is thriving, and this stuff rolls off of your back as the inevitable childish behavior of cheating fucktards.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Nanki Poo

NankiPoo–how petty of the X. It is laughable. Seriously, how big did she have to write to cover a whole page to make sure you had no room left? Five-year-old mentality (and penmanship).

Nanki Poo
Nanki Poo
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yeah, it was totally ridiculous, and just indicative of how these type of people deal with things.

And don’t worry, I was way ahead on requesting copies (and offering to help get them digitized :).

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
6 years ago
Reply to  Nanki Poo

Nanki Poo – I read an article a long time ago about a elementary teacher who KNEW of certain divorced families among her class, and to avoid situation like what your douchebag X did, she made double copies of everything and would have had TWO papers for each of you to give your child a note.

You might ask for that from all of your DD’s grade-school teachers to just completely bypass and dismiss what that moron might do in the future. In fact, just buy a ream of paper for them as a good will gesture when you ask for double copies at the beginning of the year. 😉 Good luck!!

chumpinrecovery
chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

One other thing. One reason why I avoid Schmoopie is because in my fantasies I have raged at her and I have fears that if I saw her I might do it for real and that would just make me look ugly. I sometimes wonder if she avoids me for the same reason (maybe she’s tempted to rage at me too). Maybe she isn’t all bad if she recognizes that the two of us being in the same room would not be a good idea.

Most of my fantasy rages are aimed at STBX of course (a lot of raging going on inside my head). Really, he should be grateful that he has only been raged at for real twice in the nearly a year since DDay considering that we still see each other frequently because of the kids. That and the occasional snark..

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago

I under this and initially went no contact because I did not trust myself with him. I just felt this wave of adrenaline and fury in his presence.

When cheater x brought homewrecker to child’s event, I was close enough at one point to pull her hair. While I refrained from all contact, just the thought that yanking her down by her hair appealed to me was disturbing.

I will honestly avoid all contact whenever possible. I don’t feel rage when not in their presence, but I am one year from DDay and still cannot bear to even lay eyes on her.

They destroyed our family, and our kids will forever pay the price for their selfishness. I am unable to let that go.

chumpinrecovery
chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

I get this. If it hadn’t been her it would have been somebody else, but it wasn’t somebody else. Of course I know STBX is the one who betrayed me, but it still bothers me when people suggest that it is wrong to be angry at or think poorly of the OWs because they are not bad people. Not true. Schmoopie knew darn well that he was married and fucked him anyway. Then she went out of her way to take deliberate actions to scuttle reconciliation and draw him back to her. Reconciliation might not have worked anyway, but we’ll never know now thanks to her deliberate machinations. Even if it hadn’t worked, if we had at least made an honest attempt without her interference, then even I would have agreed that ending the marriage was for the best and there would not be as many hard feelings. She is not a good person. She is a selfish, self centered slut, just like STBX. She doesn’t deserve any more blame than him (he helped her tear her family apart too), but she doesn’t deserve a free pass on blame or hard feelings either. She is not a victim here. If he ends up with a new girlfriend in the future (after divorce is final), I might still be jealous, but I won’t hate her because she really will be an innocent third party who did not participate in the destruction of my family. Meanwhile STBX thinks I should be showing Schmoopie the same respect I would any other girlfriend who might have come along post divorce. Not a chance. I don’t think anybody owes either of them any respect, although I will try not to judge others who do as most people can’t really comprehend the destruction these two have caused.

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago

chumpinrecovery, just tell your STBX that you’ll show OW as much respect as the two of them showed you and your children.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago

Yes! Cheaters are the problem, but AP’s are disgusting, too. Some are even friends of the family, or actual family, or are married themselves (and so are cheaters betraying their own faithful chump spouses).

If I ever do have to deal with them (since they had to “prove” their love by getting married right away), I will use a line from a chump I read here,”I will be happy to treat her with the same respect she showed me when I was your wife.”

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago

* I understand this!

Free Vix
Free Vix
6 years ago

This is a well-timed post. I’ve been doing exceptionally well with my meh, and then last night ex riled me up and I took the bait when I should have shrugged it off.

About 6 months ago ex started putting the OW on video chat with our preschooler. I told him to stop, because she is not welcome in my home and she is not our son’s family. I told him they can video chat with OW all he wants on his visitation weekends, but not on my time. He did it 2 more times before I finally had to establish consequences for ex, and I had to explain the rules to our son and tell him that it’s his dad’s job to follow those rules.

Last night they were video chatting and my son asked to see his infant half sister, and then he added “but not [OW], because she’s not allowed to–” and his dad cut him off. About 10 minutes later he asked our son not to speak of this rule out loud, because OW might overhear and it might hurt her feelings, and mommy insisted on this rule and blah blah blah.

I just about lost it. Both of them have given zero shits about my feelings through all of this, but now everyone has to tip-toe around OW’s feelings? If her feelings are that delicate, I suggest that she not go around fucking married or unavailable men. If she wants to be treated with respect, she needs to be respectable. She clearly suffers from delusions that her wonderfulness will win everyone over in time and that by sheer power of narcissistic glory, she’ll transform from the turd in the punch bowl to the main course that everyone wants a piece of (including her boyfriend’s [ex] wife!).

That’s not how this works, and last night I lost my meh. This morning I’m feeling less annoyed, but not yet back in my cozy meh-nest. It’s a long road with these idiots. [grumble]

JC
JC
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

“Delusions of her wonderfulness” describes her just right. Well put!

Like all such people, she needs your ex to sustain that delusion. Which is why he’s making an ass of himself (as I once did) defending her feelings…when she’s already shown how little she genuinely cares about anyone other than herself.

Meh rises and falls in waves, but there is a general upward trend. Fuck ’em.

Free Vix
Free Vix
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

I’m solidly back on the upward swing, and feeling a good, strong “fuck ’em” again tonight. 🙂

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

FreeVix — why don’t you tell her minister what she has done, or someone who has moral authority over her?

Free Vix
Free Vix
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

You know, I’m of the belief that we are our own moral authority. People can establish themselves as part of a culture, institution, or family with a strong external moral compass, but each person has to decide which way their needle points.

Neither my ex, the OW, nor I are members of a religious community. Though the OW does seem to think of herself as an enlightened yogi, much of which (as I understand) involves her buying new yoga clothes.

chumpinrecovery
chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

Yes that is the another thing that is so hard to take, when they care so much about the feelings of dirt bag AP but don’t give a hoot for the feelings of the left behind spouse who was loyal and caring for so long.

JustBreathe
JustBreathe
6 years ago

Boy, I needed this today. I have finally moved into my own place and was enjoying my evening working on my new (to me) little house. Then I saw a picture of STBX with our “mutual” friends in a group text. Caught me off guard and I had what I like to call, a “moment.” My new mantra is, I will pass on the punch. Specialist, I’m sorry for your pain and I hope henceforth, you will pass on the punch, too.

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
6 years ago

Actually, I was steeling myself to have a double-turd punch bowl evening when my second son got married last October. I couldn’t believe how anxious I was becoming at the thought of having to share that special occasion with my XH of ~40 years, let alone the married coworker he left me for. After all, I’d been Zero Contact for 2 1/2 years and life was moving on without him quite nicely.

But unbeknownst to me, destiny stepped in… my son and soon-to-be DIL paid the whore a private visit and told her that out of respect for me, she was not invited to any of the festivities. I found this out about a month before the wedding and I can’t describe the tsunami of relief I felt! Knowing I only had to deal with one turd was suddenly doable. And as soon as I saw him in the flesh, he looked old, pathetic and positively impotent. All of the power that I’d put into that moment suddenly deflated, as if someone put a pin into a balloon. I thought to myself, “So THIS is what you were getting anxious about”? Meh, here we come!

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

MyRedSandals, that is just awesome for your kids to do! I have a good friend who’s daughter insisted that OW that broke up her family not to be allowed to sit at the table of honor during the rehearsal dinner. Well, of course OW tried, but was reminded that she wasn’t allowed. She huffed off and ended up sitting in the audience with my friends’ ex. I just love it when kids draw boundary lines.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Children of cheaters can choose and work on what kind of character they want to have-narcissist or empath-and the chumped parent can only influence their kids up to a certain point.

One of my narc brother’s choice comments after our mother died of cancer in her early sixties ?
“Well, at least now I don’t have to worry about what Mom’s behavior at my wedding when H. (our father third wife) comes over to say hello .” Our father’s second wife died of pancreatic cancer and he was on to wife #3 by the time our mother died. Our father had weaponized my brother against our mother, blameshifting all the marital problems and his cheating onto her. Wife #3 is an obnoxious narcissist, can’t keep her pie hole shut and has alienated many people with her behavior over the years. I’ve seen her at family gatherings over the years-conduct very unbecoming !

Interestingly enough, when my brother did marry a few years later, he didn’t invite our father and wife #3.

I love hearing stories of grown children seeing their disordered parents for who they are and not taking sh*t from the f*ckwits,protecting the abused parent in the process
Long ((hugs)) to the parents whose children emulate the narcs. All you can do is protect yourself and set healthy boundaries.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

Love this! Yay for you, MyRed Sandals!

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

Yay! To your son and daughter-in-law!!

Ugh no...
Ugh no...
6 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

My Red Sandals, my father, who is also a cheater, is still steamed that his OW was not invited to my wedding or any of the other weddings in our large close knit extended family. Between sulking sessions I helped him understand that it would be like inviting Fredo to a Corleone family picnic *after* he sold Michael out to Hyman Roth.

KB22
KB22
6 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

Good for your son and DIL! OW had it coming and if she had had any ounce of integrity she would have bowed out of the occasion before being told to do so.

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
6 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

MyRedSandals – Oh, how much do I just LOVE your son and DIL??! They earned gold star awards for THEIR ability to be mighty on your behalf! They truly GET IT, set the boundary for themselves to not only protect their day from a douchebag’s drama, but to also protect you. What a beautiful story. Just awesome!

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
6 years ago

Their need to constantly shove the ow in your face is a big stick it to you, just in case you missed it the first time. They are truly cruel people. ow was a “friend “. After dday the two of them tried very hard to provoke a reaction from me and her husband. They moved in together a block from him and a mile from me. No reaction. He paraded her around in public before anyone knew we were divorcing. No reaction. Had her on display at our business 2 weeks after I found out. No reaction. Constantly brought her up in conversation during settlement talks. No reaction. Brought her with him when coming to my house to drop off documents. No reaction. x blew up when his attempts to rub my nose in his affair didn’t work. I told him he could fuck her in the middle of Main Street and I would just step over them because she wasn’t important to anyone but him. He wanted two women to fight over him. My refusal to be a part of his Jerry Springer fantasy hurt his ego. Thanks CL for introducing me to NC and grey rock. Let them play their game, just don’t be a part of it.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

So mighty!

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

What!? newdaydawning!!! How did you do it!?

You rock!

Super Meh, you are!!

HateHWWs
HateHWWs
6 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

newdaydawning……you are my HERO! I wish I would/could be this strong. I’m still working on it and getting better everyday but I’ll remember this post! You have helped me today! Thank you!

lovedandlost
lovedandlost
6 years ago

Chumpinrecovery, you have class! I admire your ability to continue the relationship with your inlaws. After I left, dickhead was with shmoopie(whose real name is very common and I still stop in my tracks whenever I hear it) for a couple years. In those years he was the typical asshole father/deadbeat and my girls gravitated in my direction. But after Schmoopi left the scene he suddenly became the “best Dad ever”. I think they felt sorry for him as he played the pity card. For me I’m not sure which is worse. I resent his relationship with them because he is cashing in on all the years I spent spackling for him. I cannot tell the kids why he doesn’t deserve their affection or their pity because I think it’s better for them to be in a good place with him and then figure out for themselves what a sham he really is. So while I’m waiting for the Karma bus I try to develop my meh- and Fake it til I make it. My Tuesday is out there somewhere.

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
6 years ago

He’s only seen her two times, and yet he’s introducing her to the kids?! Wayyyyyy too soon.

Thankful
Thankful
6 years ago

So needed to read this today. My Ex is all about the show, always has been. Today I had to email my Ex to tell him our 12 year old DD is no long wishing to go to him for visitation. I expect he will throw a tantrum, and then blame it all on me. Will never understand that DD is just over the drama charged emotional abuse. Most likely we will end up back in court. Ex never tells her he loves her and really wants to make the most of their time together, no tells her repeatedly she has no choice not to go to him, she is court ordered. He forgets she went through a time where she had absolutely no choice she was 9 when we split and a month later begun her cancer battle. She remembers how he treated me at the hospital, how he ensured the church had his back while we were abandoned. How he swanned in and out of the hospital when it suited him, and not coming at all if he had a date. While I dropped 10kg in 6 weeks on a Starbucks diet and next to no sleep. But mostly she remembers his instructions to her on the odd night he stayed with her at the hospital, things like if she needed to wee in the middle of the night not to wake him because it was too difficult him to get back to sleep. It’s petty and trivial but this is what she remembers. He sprouts to everyone how hard it was for him. Yeah it was hard living with mummy while the church kept your secret, and friends parented your older children while their younger sibling and mother spent days at the hospital. “Victory laps without the effort”, perfectly put. He is now stepfather to a kid in the same year as her at school so Ex uses school events to gain jumbo buckets of kibble, and unhindered public visitation. Many fawn over him and wife 2.0 because she has a long standing connection with other parents and staff at the school due to church. And his expectation at these events just like when he would spare the odd 15-20 mins a day visiting her in hospital is that I should just fade off into the background. I often loose my meh in relation to our kids, because co-parenting with a 16 year old mean girl trapped in a middle aged mans body is a freaking nightmare.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

That describes them perfectly! I guarantee you not everyone buys his act and believes his public persona.

Developing narcdar has also caused me to notice even more the genuine, hardworking people behind the scenes whom you can count on day in and day out.

Many people are like this and appreciate your efforts!

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago

Oh I hate the Turd Parade! Fuckwits seem to revel in their own stink! They beam with pride at their own ability to do whatever they want, regardless of anyone else. Trust me, it took me a long time to catch onto the learning curve when parenting with a fuckwit. Once you realize that they are going to do whatever they feel like doing, you come to expect shitty behavior. I do not ever assume fuckwit will take the mature course of action and consider others feelings, because no one other than himself matters. It’s like they get some sort of high off of the shock value. Nothing pisses them off more than no reaction. Oh sure, expect they’ll escalate to get a rise out of you, but don’t let them win.

When we were doing our parenting plan we ended a session knowing the next weeks topic was moral conduct, and we would be discussing BF/GF expectations and boundaries… what did he do that weekend… introduced his GF. You can’t unring a bell that’s already been rung.

We had agreed on no BF/GF overnights until the 9 month mark, but hadn’t yet signed off on the parenting plan… what do you think he did… yep, had an overnight with GF and kids. Again, can’t unring a bell that’s already been rung.

Trust that your only expectation be that they suck! They are like defiant children playing a game of musical chairs. They know the rules, but when the music stops and everyone is clamoring for their own seats, they shove you out of the way. When you protest and say “it’s not fair, he cheated!” they claim you are just a bad sport and a cry baby. Eventually you just stop playing and let them find someone else shove. Sure, they’ll bask in their own glory because they think they’ve won, but I think that’s what MEH is all about… being the true winner! You step out and find a life beyond musical chairs. Let them have their plastic trophy … because in the end, that’s all they have! A worthless plastic trophy that they earned shoving people out of the way so they could take center stage. I find looking at them as giant children helps bring me closer to MEH. Sure, misbehaved children are annoying, but at least they aren’t your children to deal with.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

I hate that they trample over other people’s boundaries.

Chumpasaurus Rex
Chumpasaurus Rex
6 years ago

I’m so sorry you feel like you lost your meh. But, the nice thing is that meh isn’t a destination- it’s a state of mind. You’ll get back there soon. I’m never not amazed by the cruel things these demented monsters will do. They do these things to get a rise out of you. That’s why NC/grey rock is so important. Don’t give them the power! You’re doing great, keep it up! *hugs*

Meh or Bust
Meh or Bust
6 years ago

I can certainly relate to Hope’s letter… and to most of what everyone else has said here in response to it. I’m not at a perpetual state of Meh yet. I have brief moments of it (like five-minute spurts) but nowhere near true grace (and yes, still nursing a grudge against Timmo, MEH is GRACE).

The two stories that come to mind illustrate some barely perceptible progress:

One month after Porky Pig deserted us for Yoga Whore (March 22nd) his father died. I had been very close to my FIL and it was a difficult time. I made the decision to not attend his funeral because PP had not told his family about Yoga Whore/adultery yet and expected me to show up and pretend everything was “fine.” Being devastated by DDay and the loss of FIL, I knew I would not be able to get through the wake, funeral, and other events without completely losing it and causing a scene. (In truth, I also suspected that Yoga Whore would be there, surreptitiously – she lives nearby). To paraphrase Clint Eastwood, “A woman’s gotta know her limitations…” I did.

This did not sit well with PP. How would he explain to his family why his wife was not standing next to him? It just wouldn’t look good. There were at least two or three raging phone calls from PP about how disrespectful it was for me not to attend. I held my ground. At the end of the last spew, PP actually asked me to make his hotel reservations for him. Chump that I am, I did. (face palm and begging CL’s forgiveness for this slip!)

Two months after Porky Pig deserted us for Yoga Whore it was Memorial Day Weekend. I had been doing a good job of keeping it together in front of my daughter – being strong and comforting for her. But, this weekend was different. Porky Pig had told DD and my stepson that he was bringing Yoga Whore to a work function/barbecue and wanted to introduce her to them. I had already figured out she was in town based on the iPhone Find Friends app and his presence at the Hyatt just down the street. I lost it. I was crying hysterically, shaking, sick to my stomach. I screamed to the kids about what an asshole their father was. It was not my finest moment. The fact that PP thought it was okay to begin publicly escorting Yoga Whore around town AND make her part of our kids’ lives was just too much.

I did the only thing I could think of at the time. I emailed my lawyer and asked him what to do. He emailed me right back and said “under no circumstances is Yoga Whore to meet DD until PP has finished up the business of your marriage.” That one sentence set everything straight again. And, I felt briefly lucid/empowered.

Yes, PP needed to finish us before he started her. And that is exactly what I texted him. I didn’t hear back. I let DD decide for herself what she wanted to do (at age 14 she is only beginning to understand how to honor her feelings). She did not want to meet Yoga Whore. In fact, she has decided she doesn’t want to see or speak to Porky Pig at all, at least for the time being.

That is a whole other can of worms since now Porky Pig is claiming that I have “turned her against him.” I really haven’t. He did that all by himself.

I wish I had a brilliant conclusion to all of this but I don’t. I have been painted as the Heartless Evil One for not going to FIL’s funeral. I have been painted as the Spiteful Evil One for not welcoming Yoga Whore into our family. I guess the message to myself is that Meh is a process, not an event. It takes time. Some of the stuff you have to go through sucks. Some of it sucks a big donkey dick. But, I don’t have to listen to or do what Porky Pig thinks I should do anymore. And until I figure out what I need and want and/or the appropriate way to act in a given situation, I have many, many resources to call on, including my lawyer and CN!

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  Meh or Bust

Watch the Danish film “The Celebration” 1998 to see how to make a big,stinking scene at a family gathering-truth telling and holding one’s ground !

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  Meh or Bust

Meh or Bust, your number one job now is protecting yourself from further harm from Porky Pig. You did the right thing by not attending your FIL’s funeral just to make your husband look good. He has fired you from being someone who cares what he thinks about anything. Keep asking yourself, “will this help me or hurt me?” whenever those situations come up. If it’s going to hurt you, honor yourself over him.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Meh or Bust

Who has painted you as the Evil One for not welcoming YogaWhore into the family? If it’s inlaws, may be time to let them go. If your children, a heart-to-heart conversation would not be out of order.

Meh or Bust
Meh or Bust
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Hey Tempest! It’s Porky Pig who’s painting me as the bad guy in every possible scenario, sorry I wasn’t clear.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Meh or Bust

Well, fuck him. It’s a point of honor if a jackass doesn’t like us!

lovedandlost
lovedandlost
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yes! Fuck him with a cactus!

HateHWWs
HateHWWs
6 years ago
Reply to  Meh or Bust

Boundaries, Meh or Bust. They have none. I did have to set some early on because XH thought he could still drop by MY house anytime he wanted to. I told him he could no longer stop by without permission from me because it was now MY house.
For some reason, it takes them a while to figure out they can’t tell you what to do anymore. They’ve always been manipulative but now they manipulate via the kids.
Funny how they claim to be this big protector of their kids when in fact they didn’t protect the kids at all!

kurleegirl
kurleegirl
6 years ago

I’m steeling myself right now for one of those punchbowl moments….This is my ex’s weekend with the kids. My mom passed away 1 1/2 years ago and my family/church is doing a fundraiser to establish a scholarship in my Mom’s memory. Ex NEVER brings the kids to anything having to do with my side of the family or church that they are members of, or even allows them to go on his time even though he usually is doing absolutely NOTHING with them. He decides that he is coming and bringing the kids this time…he even tells them about it, which tells me that he is actually coming.

So of course bells are going off in my head. OW has a twin sister that moved down south and will probably come to the event even though she and I are no longer on speaking terms as he supports her twin with her whoring. So I expect a scenario where they figure there is safety in numbers… and finally go public with his “new relationship….you know the one that everyone already knows is what ended our marriage and knows that they secretly continued it. She was a “friend” of the family so it was a double betrayal….So my plan to weather this is to warn my posse of this eventuality to keep me calm and pretend she doesn’t exist…Will be hard as what I really want to do it put my fist down his whores throat…..

Lothos
Lothos
6 years ago

Extremely well said Chum Lady 🙂

Onward_chump
Onward_chump
6 years ago

OMFG, Chumplady. Your way with words. You nailed it! You nailed it SO hard. TKO. I love this woman!

Tundra Woman
Tundra Woman
6 years ago

OOOOOOOooo. (What the hell, throw in another one…o.)

My Dear Specialist….WTF? Would you please tell me why you would possibly think your response was anything but Mighty? C’mon. Didn’t it feel good-at the time? If you actually remember much of your blackout rages? I don’t. (But oooo, I have to clean up the pottery shards/plants/books/electronics and other debris after-wadda mess.) But anyway, where’s the foul? Besides the odor of eau de SlimeBag emanating from him and the Friction Pour Le Thighs from her, I think ya done good. Except for a thing -or maybe two.

Think on this: “Half-way around the world.” That’s a long ass flight to get to some really awful places. There’s Lebanon, there’s Syria, there’s Iran, there’s Afghanistan and various other locales where females routinely dress like penguins with built in Hail Mary Holes where their eyes should be. And it’s hotter than Schmmopies crotch after a night hanging off a pole at the “Gentleman’s Club.” See, everyone particularly in those awful places wants to live. Life takes on new meaning and priorities in such countries. There’s a drive to not evacuate your personal body bag before it’s time coupled with an overwhelming drive to evacuate the area ASAP. And when there’s all kinds of shit falling out of the sky, blowing up under your feet and “rock-n-roll” refers to your automatic weapon setting, you’ll do anything to GTFO. Trust me on this one, it interferes a lot with your sleep-and fucks up your waking hours too.

Since time immoral, females do what they’ve always done in this situation and that is, Velcro themselves to the closest male American meat shield. Now, we all use poor judgement from time to time and this *was* a Capitol Offensive Poor Judgement your ex employed, but you kinda missed an opportunity to avenge this clusterfuck: Oh c’mon a little revenge is good for the cold black soul that is flashing a neon sign that says, “Oh Bull Shit, Buddy.” The lord mighta said vengeance was his, but “re-vengeance” didn’t get past the editors. Frankly, some of my proudest moments have occurred when I stopped being “nice” and went all Fukishema on someone who totally deserved it.

So, smile at Schmoopie-and shake her down for her passport. Next (if she has one that appears some what legitimate) look at the Entry Visa: Like Dr. Phil’s license, if it’s in there it’s says in official-ese, “For Entertainment Purposes Only.” You can say what ever ya want about the US, but “Cumming To America” is alive and well. Just sit in the concourse at JFK for awhile and you’ll see not only is the US a “melting pot” but a polyglot of imported females of various “exotic” ethnicities paired with rolly-poly balding middle age and decrepitude “enhanced” males. In shorts with sandals-and socks. (BTW? There should be a law punishable by death for that fashion fuck up.) Holding a “device” that translates about a kizillion languages-if only he could figure out which one was the right one to “facilitate” the communication of their “lurve story.” That’s a solid gold indicator the guy’s an idiot. There are two universal languages spoken every where on this planet and they are the one you speak in your letter above-pain-and the other is “Fuck me.”

I think he purchased one of the “Fuck Me’s” OK? In fact, I can about guarantee there’s some charges on his credit card that support that assertion.

The only thing that coulda been sue-eeter would have been if you’d simply withdrawn from the field of fire momentarily and immediately pulled out your phone to call Immigration, ask for ICE and put ’em both on it. Honey, no woman in her right mind wants to stay someplace where the national pastime is inhaling shitty vodka (men+booze+sex=WTF?!) or worse, has none at all, OK? Or they’re required to wear black after Memorial Day and 110 degrees is a “cold front.” Further WTF-ery includes their rendition of “the little black dress” which is “lacking in both imagination and style” according to “Project Run-Away, Fast” Standards.

Look, ya done good, Specialist. Better than I would have because I don’t “do” ambushes real well: This Stop, Drop and Rock-n-Roll shit gets old fast. Don’t be surprised if the next time you happen to blunder on his latest clusterfuck Schmoopie, aka the 101st Airborn sex toy is either rockin a ring that looks like a pull tab from cheap assed canned “beer” and has her hand buried deep, real deep in his shorts pocket-the one where he keeps his wallet and plastic-or there’s new “import,” OK? Ain’t nothin’ free in this world except a belly laugh at these simpleton guys who are smiling like they just inhaled their first hit of Viagara and are ready to road test the results.

As soon as she gets a Green Card/LAPR status, his social security number, a new wardrobe suitable for an “upgrade” from the balding rolly-poley chubby manchild, she’s gone. Ya gotta remember, this is a Marathon, not a Sprint. And congratulations on your wholly appropriate public scene: People pay good money to learn how to do that as a “Method Actor” and you have a natural gift for the “Throw Down!” Much respect, Specialist! Your ex is a fool. And ya know the expression, “There’s no fool like an old fool?” <Yeah, that.
The Truth is in the details-always!

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  Tundra Woman

As usual, you have me howling with delight! The check is in the mail!

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
6 years ago
Reply to  Tundra Woman

Thank you for making me LMAO today, TW!!!!!???

Meh or Bust
Meh or Bust
6 years ago