Emotional Affairs vs. Friendship

If you suspect your partner is cheating, how can you tell the difference between an emotional affairs vs. a genuine friendship? We’re “just friends” may be the oldest cheater chestnut in the mindfuck playbook. But perhaps they really are just friends and you’re an insecure, controlling banshee who needs to take a giant step back. What are you, the Friend Police?

So which is it: An emotional affair vs a friendship? 

It can be either one. This isn’t a court of law, and you don’t need to marshal your evidence. If this relationship doesn’t feel acceptable to you, leave it. A person doesn’t have to be a total scoundrel for you to conclude it’s not the right relationship for you. You can break up because you don’t like their haircut OR their friends. (Or their covert fuckbuddy.)

I’m sorry, I need a more definitive answer! Who goes there? Friend or affair partner?

Here’s a field guide to discern the difference between a friendship and an affair.

Friendship is inclusive.

Friends welcome their friend’s partners — at their homes or in their activities. When you’re coupled, the circle should widen, not constrict. A friend of Bob’s is a friend of mine! Not “Bob” is secret code on their cell phone for Meredith and you’re not invited to their stamp collecting conference.

Now, of course your partner is entitled to his or her individual interests and friends. Not everyone shares a love of stamp collecting, for example. But you shouldn’t feel forbidden or shut out. Even if you have zero interest in stamps, (maybe you’ll learn to love stamps!), it isn’t a secret stamp collecting cabal.

Friends talk about their shared interests. If those interests are vague, or never discussed around you, or if you’re swatted down when you ask? You may conclude stamp collecting is a pretext for other activities.

Friendship respects boundaries.

Friends recognize that other things take precedence over them sometimes. Your sick mother. A child’s dance recital. An impending deadline. Real friends respect that you have a life. Sometimes a friend has a crisis. And people in crisis need help. So if your partner has a friend in crisis who needs a LOT of hand-holding — ask yourself why aren’t you coming along to help too?

If a friendship is so demanding that your partner is skipping the sick mom, the dance recital and the deadline — it’s fair to ask about the nature of the relationship.

“Hey, your friendship time seems to be continually trumping our family time — where would you rather be?” Pay attention to actions.

Friendship brings out your best self.

Time with friends is relaxing, joyful, comfortable. It should elevate your mood. If your partner hangs out with their pals, but then is curt and sullen when you’re around, I’d ask: “Why don’t I get the best of you?”

Healthy partners are congruent. They don’t become different people in different settings. As a spouse or significant other you should enjoy coveted BFF status. Does it feel that way?

Emotional affairs are secretive.

Friends are introduced as friends. No one introduces an affair partner as an affair partner.

“Hi! This is Jill who I sext behind Dianne’s back!”

Nope. Never happens.

Emotional affairs are probably physical affairs.

Adults have sex. It stands to reason that anyone who spends weeks, months, or most improbably years, sexting and sharing intimacies is going to consummate the act. Often cheaters will only cop to the lesser offense, and chumps are inclined to believe it, because… bargaining stage of grief. There’s only so much pain a person can chew at once.

What chumps thought it was, (an emotional affair) versus what it really was ( physical affair/s) is deeply documented on this site. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. An emotional affair is just another flavor of abuse. It means your partner is checked out and is investing their energies elsewhere.

That’s either acceptable to you in a relationship, or it isn’t.