Flip the Script — The Un-Letter

So the other day we shared our mortifying, hallucinogenic hopium trips. Many of us (raising my hand) wrote humiliating letters entreating our exes to recommit to the marriage, or we hard sold them on our children or ourselves, or made cringe-worthy promises that we would change if only the cheater would quit cheating. We accepted blame for their abuse, and then said, “Please sir, I’d like another.”

Okay, and the WORST thing about those soul-sloppy entreaties? They were unanswered. The cheater never handed in their therapy homework assignment on YOUR worth. Nope, they just lapped up another bowl of kibbles.

So your assignment today is to flip the script. Whatever you wrote in that letter? UN-write it. If you wrote Five Reasons Why We Should Keep Our Marriage, now it’s Five Reasons Why My Life Is Better Without You. If you begged them to love you? Now you write a letter extolling your self worth. If you wrote 10 Things I’ll Change, now you write 10 Things I Will Never Accept Again in a Relationship.

And when you do this, all the Chump Nation magic mojo will transform your humiliation into mightiness. Forget those old letters, because you have a new script.

TGIF!

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Holyshit
Holyshit
6 years ago

I did this and never thought it was something other chumps did. This is scary as hell. It just reconfirmed for me just now (20 months out) that he is a narc. I don’t care what he (or his family) says. He never answered it too. He said he “loved the letter but had nothing he wanted to apologize for because he wasn’t cheating” (when in fact I had proof subpoenaed that showed up mo the later that showed he went and slept with her the day I accused him of cheating and left). But yet I made it up and til this day he’s with the same girl but he’s yet to admit to cheating. (I realize I’m not doing my homework assignment correctly but I just can’t get over that I wasn’t the only chump to do this letter).

Roman A Clay
Roman A Clay
6 years ago
Reply to  Holyshit

They can’t bring themselves to take even an ounce of responsibility, can they? My Narc ex-wife consistently denied (and still does) that she was having an affair with the OM. Nope. He was “just a friend.” Oddly enough, days after she moved out, “just a friend” moved in with her. Then two weeks after the divorce, they got married. Now, she’s pregnant with his child, due any day now. And yes, I have all the “soul mate” Facebook messages back and forth between them. And I’ve shown them to her. Nope, just a friend. And yes, when we were in wreckonciliation, I caught her at his house after she said she was going jogging. And yes, I have photos of the two of them at his house. Nope, just a friend. Their capacity for self-righteous delusion knows no bounds.

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
6 years ago
Reply to  Roman A Clay

The first and last emotion filled email i wrote saturated in disbelief was met with a curt reply of ” im sorry you feel that way” and just to make me feel extra special. ..” I’ve paid your life insurance this month but suggest you get a lower premium to suit your buget ” . No irony . Didn’t know i was married for 25 years to a psychopath .

The best Me
The best Me
6 years ago
Reply to  Whodoesthat

I got this email about my house, the kids and I needed to sell our home and get a smaller one that I could afford. I should not have a house bigger than his. Yes he actually told me that. Never mind that his name was not on the mortgage so why would he care?

Now I am Psychopath free… (awesome book).

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Roman A Clay

My ex moved his stripper/fluffer gf into his house (which used to be our vacation home) before I filed for divorce. She changed the message on the voicemail from my message to hers. When my daughter heard the message and obviously notice the change and confronted her dad about it, he told her the woman who’s voice she heard saying “leave US a message” was a friend who had been at his house for a party, not someone who lived at the house with him. Okaaaaaay…. He was still denying GF’s existence months later at his deposition despite photo and other evidence proving it to be true. His living with her would not have made a bit of difference in the outcome of the divorce so I’m not sure why he lied other than he and the truth were no longer on speaking terms by that point in his life.

Shithappens
Shithappens
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Mine is the same. He still denies he cheated 20 months later. The girl (same as the one I accused him of fucking in our bed) is now hanging with my son and he’s taking her to family weddings. With his parents but of course they still deny. I must have made it all up.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

I have a theory about this… if they can’t even acknowledge the OW/OM… how much do they truly love THEM? They are already DENYING THEM and LYING TO THEM… and they are showing a willingness to be a chump-in-training by accepting it.

These fuckers are pathetic.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago

What was truly odd in my situation is that the stripper/fluffed GF wasn’t the OW. Yes, they got together before we were divorced but a different stripper was the cause of DDay #2. By the time S/F came along, we’d been separated a couple of years already. I can see why he’d be embarrassed by her – he’s the head financial guy for a corporation and she lists Fluffer as her occupation on Linkedin, but it was pointless to deny her existence.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago

Indeed. It’s a puzzle as to why a man would permit his AP to cross so many boundaries and then DENY that those things happened. It sure doesn’t say “love” or “respect.”

newme
newme
6 years ago

You make a good point ICSTMC. My X and his Howorker denied, denied, denied. For all I know they are still denying, but currently living together in HER house. But again, it’s tru luv!

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
6 years ago
Reply to  newme

X and Skanky are all about the secrets. They get off on them.

What Skanky doesn’t know is X’s modus operandi is to find someone at work, tell them they have to keep it secret, then find another someone at work and keep that a secret. That’s how he met me. That’s how he met other women while married to me. That’s how he met her.

I’m only sorry he married me. I would give anything to have found that out before I said I do.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  Holyshit

Holyshit… pick your chin up off the floor. The more you come back to CL’s site and engage with CN, you’ll see that your Cheater was far from original. They’re too lazy to be different. And yes, you will get clarity (some you wish you didn’t have)… and you will see, your life will only get better without him. Now – do your homework!

Champ
Champ
6 years ago

I wrote to him a long, emotional, positive letters of how great it would be if we reconciled and how much I loved him, blah blah blah. He answered with:

:——-(

In narcspeak, that’s a sad, sad person with a big tear.

This guy is retirement age. I’ve had recent dealings with him about wrapping up our joint possessions to which he’d reply in emoticons. I had to ask him to use his words … he answered that request with “K”.

I'm Happy
I'm Happy
6 years ago
Reply to  Champ

This is the actual letter that I wrote to an open letter website:

Dear mistress/now girlfriend-

It takes a lot of balls to date a married man. I can just imagine how proud your family is of you. To be a new employee at your job and date your forty-something boss, a married man with 2 children. You must be swimming in a sea of self-confidence knowing that he broke up his family, got kicked out of his house and went crawling back to you. Congratulations on scoring the man of your dreams.

Now that he is divorced you are free to share your love openly. You no longer have to hide your relationship and can declare your true love for each other. You can parade around in front of the community, in front of your families and in front of my children. This must be everything you’ve ever dreamed of. Never mind that he is old enough to be your father.

I know how wonderful love is and I’m sure things are absolutely picture perfect in your world. But- I was married to him for 17 years and I feel it is only fair to share a few things about him that you may not know. I feel the need to enlighten you. It was hard to narrow down his best qualities, but I think I may have captured a few for you.
1. Did you know he bites his nails and spits them wherever he pleases?
2. Did you know he belches as if he’s a farm animal?
3. Did you know he pisses in the shower?
4. Did you know he throws his clothes on the floor?
5. Did you know that when he gets nervous he has to shit his pants?
6. Did you know that he actually HAS shit his pants?
7. Did you know that he has also shit the bed?
8. Did you know my mother had to teach him to use a washing machine?
9. Did you know he used to play with his son by laying on the couch and dangling his arm over the side?
10. Did you know he never once got up with his infant daughter, not once?
11. Did you know there were some nights he just didn’t come home?
12. Did you know he likes to hit on women in front of you?
13. Did you know he blamed me for my miscarriage?
14. Did you know he was written up for sexual harassment at 2 different jobs?

I know, I know you don’t want to believe any of this. You are young and you believe you can change him. I did too. He’s charming and knows exactly what to say. Oh, and you must know he likes to drink? Of course you know that! He’s the life of the party, the eternal frat boy. But did you know that he has sought help for being an alcoholic? And did you know he was told he should never drink again? He’s loud and very funny when he drinks. The alcohol gives him power.

I bet you didn’t realize that his kids don’t get to see him on their first day of school. They don’t get to see him when they get up every morning. They don’t get to see him before bed each night. They don’t get to see him some holidays, and most holidays they now have to split between us. And they most certainly don’t get to see him on the weekends he away with you.

Those things are not important right now, I’m sure. You have him and that’s all that matters. I hope you are a strong soul and very confident, because soon you will start to doubt everything about yourself. He will make you question every thing about who you are. He will make you feel inferior. Nothinh you do will never be good enough for this man. Being married to him was a very dark and lonely place. Even lonelier than being a single mother, if you can imagine that!

One day, I will look you in the eye and thank you. If it wasn’t for you, I might still be in that loveless marriage. I have been set free and am now able to live the life I was meant to live. A life filled with people who truly love and support me. A life filled with inner peace and happiness. I have been given an amazing opportunity and new lease on life.

Just remember this: a leopard doesn’t change his spots.
I wish you the very best.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  I'm Happy

Ewwww! A cheater who shits his pants! Schmoopie got herself a real prize there!

Jellygirl84
Jellygirl84
6 years ago
Reply to  I'm Happy

#13 is unconscionable. I’m disgusted for you. How dare he blame you for a miscarriage? I’m rejoicing with you, that you are free of this monster; this pants-shitting monster.

This is not a Test.
This is not a Test.
6 years ago
Reply to  I'm Happy

5. Did you know that when he gets nervous he has to shit his pants?
6. Did you know that he actually HAS shit his pants?

Classic and brutal. I LOVE it. What a revolting super freak.

She deserves him.

brandib
brandib
6 years ago
Reply to  I'm Happy

Love this!

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
6 years ago
Reply to  I'm Happy

Bravo!

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago

My first boyfriend who I loved dearly, also a narc and alcoholic, regularly pissed the bed when drunk. We are talking about twice a week. Did not faze him. How the fuck did I put up with that and guess who changed the sheets….

piala
piala
6 years ago
Reply to  I'm Happy

gee, my question is why did YOU stay with him so long????

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  piala

Piala

What the OW never realize is that if they can cheat on their wife and leave their children, you can bet your ass they are faithful to NO ONE. The question the OW should ask themselves knowing they are with a married man should center around WHY one would engage with someone willing to lie and cheat.

Piala
Piala
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Yeah I understand. OWs suck, but the whole list you wrote down would make any woman run (incl. you). He seems creepy. Just let them have eachother. Who wants a man who shits in his pants anyway. I’m just surprosed you managed to stay with a man like that so long. He seems dumb.

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

I honestly can’t understand how this isn’t just common sense. Pretty sure you have to be dumb to think winning a married man is not winning at all.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  I'm Happy

Standing ovation, you nailed it. 🙂

Shithappens
Shithappens
6 years ago

Seriously it’s what I would write if I was a better writer. Amazing

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

LOL! 🙂

DrFormerChump
DrFormerChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Maybe interpretive dance?

Champ
Champ
6 years ago
Reply to  DrFormerChump

Oh, that would be fun.

How about Charades!!!

TiredChump
TiredChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Champ

Middle finger emoji rocks

Champ
Champ
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

🙂

Champ
Champ
6 years ago
Reply to  Champ

Oh, no!!! I’ve caught Emoji Fever!!!

Champ
Champ
6 years ago
Reply to  Champ

Dear Emoji Man:

A friend told me Apple is coming out with more emoji’s. Like, is that great, or what? I’m so 🙂 4 U.

Vastra
Vastra
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

My friend who works for Apple tells me there is a vomiting emoji coming. You might get some use out of that one.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  Vastra

OMG! I’ve been waiting for a vomiting emoji since the election last year! YES!!

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  Champ

What an ass.

Vastra
Vastra
6 years ago

I think everything I won’t tolerate again can be summed up in the one word: disrespect.
It happened slowly in a thousand ways, so by the end of my marriage I put up with (despite hating) things like him grabbing my crotch as some crude foreplay, sneering at my job and income… OW truly did me a favour!

FedupChump
FedupChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Vastra

Oh my. Same here with the crotch grabbing. He’d do it in front of the kids, even. He took away every free moment I had, begging me for sex. We had sex twice a day, every day and it still didn’t stop him.
I realize now it was a control issue, and not really about him needing sex all the time.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

Pervy Pants would parade out in the kitchen with a boner poking through his briefs. That was my signal to drop what I was doing……and jump on it!

Sorry dude…..but the party in your panties…..ain’t my kind of party.

geekmom
geekmom
6 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

Mine would walk by as I was doing laundry and grab my ass. I told him repeatedly that I didn’t like that – a hug, kiss, anything else, but don’t be so crude – I felt that it was demeaning.

It came from his lawyer that I “shunned his loving touch.” Dick.

Keepin'Calm
Keepin'Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

I thought I was alone in this, but I’m not! Ex would grab me in public and in front of the kids and I HATED it. I told him to stop doing it and he’d get all, “Oh, you’re too sensitive/I’m just kidding/you’re taking this too seriously.” Oh wow. Disrespect for sure.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Keepin'Calm

Mine would compalin that *I* disrespected him because I didn’t like the public groping. I was a trophy until I wasn’t young enough.

FedupChump
FedupChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Keepin'Calm

Same.
“Oh, hush! The kids can’t see/don’t know what’s going on!”.
Strangely in public, he acted like he hated me, or I was a complete stranger. He’d always walk ten paces in front of me, while I practically had to run, babe in arms, to catch up.

Jan
Jan
6 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

I love this letter. I have been married for 40 yrs. Divorce pending. All the disrespectful acts I received during and now just beginning to see the truths with reading all of these replys. I was a fool all of these years. The lying, the cheating, the living, relying on him instead of myself. I do know that I don’t have to live my life anymore with him. What a selfish prick.

Vastra
Vastra
6 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

I had forgotten about the walking ahead thing. When we walked to the shops with the kids he would stride ahead at a rapid pace and berate us for being slow.
Agree it sounds like the crotch and boob grabbing is more a power and control exercise. And of course I was humourless cold bitch for not being turned on by it.
Still can’t believe how much crap I tolerated, despite telling him it was not ok.

FedupChump
FedupChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Vastra

Wow. Is there a book they follow? “The cheater’s guide to being a pompus dick”.
Mine would also berate me for being too slow and called me a “prude” because I protested his crotch grabbing.

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

Agreed! How can they all do the same thing?

Helena
Helena
6 years ago
Reply to  Vastra

What is with the walking ahead thing, I got that treatment too. It was seldom we ever went shopping together but when we did I was forever running to keep up with the fool and I am not a slow walker either. Now I can see it for the disrespect it was . He actually had the nerve to tell me , among other things as he was walking out the door that he always felt people looked at us like we were weird, correction they probably thought your walking twenty miles ahead was weird. pig.

Sausalito
Sausalito
6 years ago
Reply to  Helena

Yes, the walking ahead, and then looking back and glaring at me for not keeping up. Whenever we entered a party or restaurant or anywhere where there would be a lot of people, he had to push in front of me to enter first in order to show off his sparkles and lap up all the attention.

Crazy. Lady
Crazy. Lady
6 years ago
Reply to  Vastra

Mine grabbed my boob as forplay. Boy that really turned me on. LOL

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  Crazy. Lady

Mine too! Said I wasn’t interested in sex since this it not a turn on. 15 years later that is still his only move.

MightyAgain
MightyAgain
6 years ago
Reply to  Vastra

Yes!! This 1000+ Never again will I accept being disrespected in any manner.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Vastra

That’s it exactly Vastra. Disrespect. And now that is gone.

Cheater’s debts and constant funneling of our incomes into his deadbeat family were disrespect. Now the script has flipped and I have everything under control and am actually doing better financially (even though I have to pay my divorce lawyers).

His refusal/inability to discuss anything uncomfortable and call me a bore was disrespect.
His sneering, whether at an accomplishment (except if it meant indirect kibbles for him) or a setback, was disrespect. I don’t waste anymore spit on any of this this now. Crap-free life. Totally. Amazing how good this feels.

His constant undermining my authority over our sons and my simple, common sense orders to them was disrespect. Two of the three have figured things out now. Working on third.

When I was younger, his groping me in public, but as I got older, walking two meters in front so I would not dim his sparkles was disrespect. Now I don’t give a damn about what people think I look like. Just if they pay attention to what I think and do.

Jeanette
Jeanette
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

ClearWaters,
My Cheaterpants did that from the get go.
So I refused to go shopping with him because I thought he hated shopping. Now I know he was intimacy avoident and a self-centered *hole.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Jeanette

Disgusting, Jeanette. How superficial que these idiots be?

My ex-FIL was also that way. I once took my ILs to shop at a supermarket and I cringed with shame of my MIL (also a major chump, God rest her soul) because FIL kept trailing me and putting his arm around me, leaving MIL behind to look like he had this young chick fr a girlfriend.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

And you didn’t tell him to get his hands off you? Man, that’s a major red flag for me; for many reasons I can’t stand a handsy old fart, and that would have ticked me off big time!

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Yep–disrespect.
Never again, not even a smidgen of it.
As a ‘man’ on Match learned about me this morning 🙂

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Funny how your money goes further without these deadbeats around. Someone asked me tonight how I was managing. I am, a mortgage and all and have been unemployed for 6 weeks. I just don’t spend money on crap, end of..

Thisishowitsdone
Thisishowitsdone
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady b

Isn’t that funny Lady b? I have been out of a job for 4 weeks too, but so not stressed out. Before, I would be jumping up and down because I have to cover for all our expenses because he was broke (didn’t realize he was giving money to his whore to help her get a fresh start in life lol). So now, nothing has changed for me really, I still pay for everything but I don’t do because I have to, I do it because I want to for my little ones. We got this Chump Nation!

MissedRedFlags
MissedRedFlags
6 years ago
Reply to  Vastra

Me too! During his affair, he would come up to me in the kitchen while I was cooking dinner and pull my pants back to see if my panties matched my bra….and he thought my job was a joke and something I could manager better timewise.

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  MissedRedFlags

Mine would walk faster than me and end up waslking ahead like a royal. He always “teased” me I was slow. Dude I was 20 then and was moving just fine.

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  MissedRedFlags

Mine used to slap me on the hip like a horse out of the blue which would surprise/hurt. No matter how many times I asked him to stop doing that, he wouldn’t. He’d just laugh. I agree that not respecting your physical boundaries is something I won’t put up with again.

Shithappens
Shithappens
6 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Mine did the same. Thought it was hilarious then when I thought it wasn’t, made me feel like I was uptight

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Shithappens

Mine used to push my head out of the way if we were driving and he needed a clearer sight of the road. No ‘Move your head darling’, just pushing my head out of the way. The time we were packing the car boot, with friends, on the way to a beach bbq, and he pushed me out of the way, and I snapped ‘Don’t push me!!’ – the Look I got….

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago
Reply to  MissedRedFlags

What a shit…

Sonnyside
Sonnyside
6 years ago
Reply to  MissedRedFlags

MRF how is counseling.

KeepSmiling
KeepSmiling
6 years ago
Reply to  Vastra

This!!! I too let what I thought were little things go until at the end I was so disrespected I had completely lost myself. His affair and OW saved my life!

SC
SC
6 years ago

The only letters he gets now are from my attorney! Stay mighty!

Nanki Poo
Nanki Poo
6 years ago
Reply to  SC

Perfect!

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
6 years ago
Reply to  SC

Haha. Nice

OneDaySomeDay
OneDaySomeDay
6 years ago

1. I will never ever accept blame in your cheating again.
2. It was more than you wanted me to believe. As in, yes you were drunk, but no you made the advances, not him. Stop the lie.
3. I will not become the giver of all ever again, especially when you threaten me like a timid forest creature threatens.
4. I will never ever indulge in opening up the marriage just because you need sex with strangers just to get that one thing I cannot provide you: NRE. You shouldn’t even be needing it at all. You’re emotionally adolescent if you need this.
5. Fuck off, I’m a good guy.
6. I will never ever be disrespected by you again. You can try, but there’s nobody home.
7. I might not be the best looking hunk chunk there is out there, but just look at Brad shit. All looks and no depth of emotion. If you want that, go try and get it. I’m done.
8. I’m finally able to get some good times going with my sister, parents, and your siblings. No longer will you socially isolate me you f-ing bitch.
9. You’re going to miss all the comfortable luxury, but that’s all you can see. You don’t get it. It’s more than that in life.
10. You’re physically not very attractive but you were to me, because my love is wholesome and yours is just shallow shit.

*drops mic*

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  OneDaySomeDay

Oneday……I love it! Especially #5. You go guy!!!!!

mcfiesty
mcfiesty
6 years ago
Reply to  OneDaySomeDay

#10 – love it!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  OneDaySomeDay

Love this ODSD, many similarities to mine, thanks for the inspiration :)!

Dear X,

I rejoice in the knowledge that I do not have to call you anything but my X:
1. I have no responsibility in causing your affair: We live in the 21st Century, if you were unhappy, you should have filed for divorce instead of starting an affair, your choice of cheating and live a duplicitous double life is entirely on you.
2. I will parallel parent with you and will continue to keep you accountable by sharing your written communication with me with family and all relevant school/club/child-related contacts so they can all clearly see who you truly are. And yes, this include providing our childcare provider with a certified copy of our divorce decree so they can proceed with their collection process for the fees you want to believe are mine to pay but were ordered for you to pay through our divorce decree.
3. I no longer try hard to justify your actions for anything but your selfish approach to life. When our kid asks why you are not there, I tell our kiddo where you are. No editing, no trying to make you look good, just facts that talk louder than words about where you decide to be instead to be with our kiddo during your court-ordered parenting time.
4. I will continue providing our kiddo with the educational services she needs. I will continue making great memories for our kiddo and arrange for my trips according to our divorce decree.
5. I am most grateful not to have to endure your judgement and comments on my career and money decisions.

I wish you all the happiness you deserve.

lovedandlost
lovedandlost
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Yes ditto to it ALL. It’s so true that they are all the same. And yet no justice in the courts. Is it that judges need training or that BEING a judge puts one in a position where power is given to the already narcisstic personality? Worth an Independant study!

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Love it!!! I echo your list!

OneDaySomeDay
OneDaySomeDay
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

I love your ending. I also wish my stbxw all the happiness she deserves. Beautiful.

Gorillapoop
Gorillapoop
6 years ago
Reply to  OneDaySomeDay

My philosophy is, if you are kind and wish good on someone, “pray they get what they need.” If they suck and you wish the worst for them, “pray they get what they want.” The fact is, if these disturbed individuals were to get everything they wanted in life, they would a) be gone from our lives, never to bother us again, and b) suffer horribly.

OneDaySomeDay
OneDaySomeDay
6 years ago
Reply to  Gorillapoop

Exactly. No matter what she wants or needs, she’d be gone. It’s for the best. They can only heal their selves, and I’m not sticking around for it. Too much hurt.

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  OneDaySomeDay

Assignment grade – A+

I ditto your “Fuck off, I’m a nice guy!” When then thought of the cheater enters my brain, I now say out loud or to myself in my head, “Get the fuck away from me!” Works like a charm. 🙂

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

The STRANGEST THING happened the other day. POP has been out of my life for 7 years. I was putting something into the freezer and he crossed my mind (a freezer related incident)–I heard in my head ‘you don’t belong in my life’. All in a matter of nanoseconds.

Weird. But very true.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

How’s this. I was three quarter the way through a yoga class at the gym on Thursday and the sudden thought ‘he’s here’ came into my head followed by ‘ don’t be silly’. Came out of class and his car is Right there. Freaked me out.

The Ex-orcist
The Ex-orcist
6 years ago
Reply to  OneDaySomeDay

I like the “you fucking bitch” part best!!!!

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago
Reply to  OneDaySomeDay

NRE? Your Ex needed non-recurring engineering? I am sure there is a dirty joke in there somewhere.

OneDaySomeDay
OneDaySomeDay
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

New relationship energy, but yeah that probably too hahahaha

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  OneDaySomeDay

Great letter ODSD! I think #5 was my favorite. Succinct and to the point. ;D If you’re ever in Dayton, Ohio I want to buy you a beer!!

OneDaySomeDay
OneDaySomeDay
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

I’ll hold you up to that, and I’ll get you whatever your poison is ?

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  OneDaySomeDay

??

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Yes, to No. 5. Way to go, One Day!

Intuition
Intuition
6 years ago
Reply to  OneDaySomeDay

Love this!

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago
Reply to  OneDaySomeDay

I’m going to take your list as mine! Sums up my marriage and everything that happened really well.

Mom9193
Mom9193
6 years ago

Dear stupid,

Life is so much better now that we’re divorced and here are some random reasons why:
1. My money is my money. I’m not going to hear from you that we have a huge bill to pay and so I need to come up with the money to pay it.
2. My vacations are my vacations. No longer do I have to use that valuable time off from work to visit your family on the farm or visit your friends for the annual Big Chill in one of the tiny Midwest towns that are so expensive because it takes two planes to get us there.
3. I don’t have to listen to a replay of your last 18 holes of golf or how you won the tennis match.
4. I no longer have to listen to that Frank Sinatra station hosted by the old guy who sounds like his teeth are slipping.
5. I can go to the movies whenever I want and can choose the movies I want to see.
6. I can sleep in.
7. Or I can go to bed when I’m tired.
8. I don’t have to cook dinner and clean up.
9. I don’t have to iron or do laundry
10. I don’t have to host dinner parties for people I don’t want in my home.
11. I don’t have to deal with your mother and father who after 30 years of marriage would never tell me when they were leaving!
12. I don’t have to hear that issues with darling daughters need to be addressed by me… the old “You NEED to….” conversation!
1s. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do.

The world is my oyster and I’m having fun trying new things and going new places and meeting new people. No more damn TRADITIONS!

Great exercise, CL!

Gail
Gail
6 years ago
Reply to  Mom9193

1. I no longer have worry that you are stealing my retirement money because it is going into a real retirement account instead of your fake family funds!
2. I no longer have to wait for you to come home with your all those fucking excuses of how you had to work. long overtime and company trips that you never brought home money for!
3. I no longer have to put up with you locking me out of our bedroom while you sleep on the bedroom set that I bought!
4. I no longer have to put up with you and your constant sneaking around on your cell phone and computer accounts!
5. I no longer have to fake to my family and friends that you are being a super hero father and provider when in reality your a selfish abusive Asshole!
6. I no longer have to put up with your fake dramatic illnesses that you displayed for sympathy, to get out of work or for workers compensation!
7. I no longer have to go on vacations with your gold digging family members that never paid for anything but eat caviar, steak and lobster on our bill!
8. I no longer have to lie to our children that you are a good man when clearly they can see that your not!
9. I no longer have to put my cars in your name only!
10. I no longer have yo get your permission to spend my own money!
11. I no longer have to worry about you giving me an STD!
12. I no longer have to worry about you moving miles away from civilization, cutting my clothes, belittting me in front of our sons, withholding love, money and sex, preventing me from getting jobs or going back to school or even having my own bank acccount!
13. I no longer have to worry about your threats of suicide when you were extorting marital funds for 36 years!
13. I no longer have to worry about you and your whore trying to steal our home because I sold it to you during the divorce!
14. I no longer have to worry about the furniture you stoled because I gave it to you after the divorce and shot out anything that reminded me of your sociopathic ass!
15. I can thank god everyday for ChumpLady and waking up out of a 36 year toxic fog!

Gorillapoop
Gorillapoop
6 years ago
Reply to  Gail

Wow, Gail. You were married to a fucking asshole. I wish you all the best in your new life. You deserve it.

Jan
Jan
6 years ago
Reply to  Mom9193

I love this letter.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  Mom9193

Awesome!!!!
#5 – #9 === yeeesssssss!!!!!

I love doing as I please around the house without worrying about what he will say!!!

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Mom9193

YAY!! Grand applause!!

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago
Reply to  Mom9193

Yeah got loads of ‘ you need to’ conversations, my thought was why can’t you!

and she was
and she was
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady b

Mine always used the royal we. “We need to…” But it always meant “I expect you to take care of this” and he would often give me exacting instructions on how he wanted things done or how I should conduct conversations sometimes even scripting it. He would get mad if I said “you do it then.” And of course he would critique me and tell me I should welcome the feedback so I could improve. Oppressive.

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago
Reply to  and she was

Yep, he would tell me what to say like I was a 12 year old.

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago
Reply to  Mom9193

Oh yeah forgot all the bills are way less. Especially the web bill, Jesus was 700$ one month, silly naive me didn’t realise it was because he was skyping his overseas whore!

rockette
rockette
6 years ago
Reply to  Mom9193

Standing O!

Margo
Margo
6 years ago
Reply to  Mom9193

Bravo good for you, do what you want when you want that’s a great feeling !!

chumpinrecovery
chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Mom9193

#12. I got that too. Whenever he had a complaint about the kids or the nanny he would tell me and expect me to do something about it. At some point I realized I had made myself a tyrant trying to enforce his ideals so I stopped doing it for him and started telling him to “correct” the kids and/or nanny himself. That didn’t go over well with him. That just meant “you didn’t have my back”.

The sad thing is that towards the end before DDay but when I knew my marriage was suffering, I did start to go back to trying to please him by trying to get the kids to do what he wanted in order to save my marriage. Obviously it didn’t work.

The sad thing is that this dynamic still plays out this way sometimes. At the end of the year daughter dressed up for an orchestra concert. I thought she looked stunning, but STBX complained that her bra didn’t fit quite right and I needed to take her bra shopping. What I should have done is told him “great why don’t you take her shopping”. Unfortunately, old habits die hard. I took her bra shopping (and she was none to happy about it being offended that Dad didn’t like her choice of bras and he was mad that I let it slip that this was all his idea instead of pretending that I was the one who thought the bra was all wrong). In the end, I didn’t do it right and the new bras did not meet his standards. I am still kicking myself for falling into that trap again. I did, however, tell the mediators (with STBX in the room), that I wanted to make him responsible for buying the kids clothes in the marriage agreement “because if he takes charge of that they will be better dressed”.

chumpinrecovery
chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

This is why I love Chump Nation so much. Whenever we thing something may be off about our cheater’s behavior we can come here and get validation that, yes in fact, he/she was being irrational. It is easy to get confused on that point when all you have is cheater telling you that he/she is the rational one and you are the one behaving badly.

meh.twain
meh.twain
6 years ago

OMG just had to copy and paste your last sentence.. SO true CIR

Meh or Bust
Meh or Bust
6 years ago

So true CIR

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago

Think about putting the old habit of doing whatever he says in order to please him/feel good about your parenting to death. Cheaters like to control. They enjoy the power.

NC = a clean blow to them speaking into your life

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

Dad concerned about the fit of daughters bra? Unless it was because her boobs were falling out of her dress and he thought creeps would ogle her, that’s just weird.

Celebrate that he is gone!

Vastra
Vastra
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Don’t let him take her bra shopping, that would make it worse

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
6 years ago

How horrible for your daughter–instead of “Yes, honey, you look lovely,” what she gets from Dad is “Ewww! Your boobs are all wrong!”

Don’t tell me that’s a coincidence (he just HAPPENS to fixate on body area likely to cause teen girl great anxiety and self-consciousness). Cruel.

You are well rid of him, and I hope your daughter is able to see through his mindfuckery.

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago

Yeah, I think that’s freaky. If I was a young woman I’d be totally grossed out by my father mentioning the way my boobs look in my dress.

horsesrcumin
horsesrcumin
6 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

I’m not a young woman. And any man – but yeah, especially my father – EVER mentioning the way my boobs look in a dress. Shudder. Very rapey. And fuck right off.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  horsesrcumin

I totally agree with this. Giant red flag of a man with zero boundaries. And if the mother doesn’t think there’s a problem with the fit of the DRESS (because the right bra is often a matter of how the dress is cut), then there is likely no problem with the undergarments. And if the father had an issue, he could ask his wife about it privately and get an explanation, if his motives were kind and thoughtful.

chumpinrecovery
chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

He used to blame her for her acne too. Actually I think that was his fault for causing her so much stress.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago

One thing my X said his father was on their case about too when he and his siblings were high school aged. Yeah, let’s pick the one thing you *should* KNOW teens are sensitive about and say very loud and cruel things about something they can’t entirely control and struggle with daily. That’s classic narc behavior for you. Assholes.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago

Yes! Both of the girls’ skin cleared up after he left. I tried to shield them from the stress, but they felt it. They also knew he was hurting me. It was written all over their faces.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago

I agree; that is a creepy thing for a father to notice, and then try to ‘fix.’

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yeah, here’s another creeper thing my ex-cheater/predator said about our daughter a few years ago, “XYZ has a very curvy body.” A dad noticing the curves of his daughter is disgusting and creepy IMO.

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Hmm…was your ex’s name Donald Trump? LOL

UnchumpingMyself
UnchumpingMyself
6 years ago
Reply to  Mom9193

You go Mom9193!!! Applause!!!!

UnchumpingMyself
UnchumpingMyself
6 years ago

Tomorrow my cheater ex is wedding Schmoopie, church, dinner et all. I would officially, on this forum of fine people, like to thank them both.

In two weeks time I am taking my kids on a week’s vacation to a five star hotel in Crete (Greece) I would have never afforded whilst married to ex (due to his extravagant spending habits). I am also having a job paid twice than the previous one, because thanks again to their FB photos/posts of their new found happiness, ex and Schmoopie managed to anger good people who helped me find this job. Thanks to the stress of their affair I lost 20 kg and got my adolescence body back. Also my kids are finally having a stress free home where they get to run around the place, scream and get creative without someone yelling constantly at them for, well, being kids.

Bonus: I got back in touch a load of family members including from his side who were pushed away by ex’s sheer stupidity and arrogance while dealing with them, his own children and life in general. I also made surprising new friends and reconnected with old ones and our lives is filled with joy, support and good energy pouring from everywhere.

And while there are still lonely nights and every day struggles, ex’s and Schmoopie’s love affair made room for a lot of good things and people to come into our world.

I smile a lot these days and drink my coffee the way I like it: strong and sweet.

Good riddance!

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago

Good on you – I aspire to your mightiness! I hope yesterday was ok for you. My ex aka “the Sprout”, got married end of April – we had been together for 20 years but never married and he left early Dec last year. I was dreading the day but in the end it was really a bit of a non-event for me. My children, age 12 (11 at the time) and 14 chose not to go to the wedding. Mine also did the whole big bash, including religious bits (when he had never been inside a church other than weddings/funerals in his life previously) and I know spent a lot of money on it. He never wanted to get married to me – I wasn’t overly bothered, but I cringe at the excuses I made for him not wanting to now (a lot of cringing generally!).
I’m not as far ahead as you by any means but I am also in the position of knowing in the long term I’ll be financially much better off. He earns a lot of money but spent it wildly – he really does fancy himself as James Bond (same cars, same watches etc! – sadly they don’t turn you into Daniel Craig!). I earn less but a reasonable amount and I don’t need to spend it propping up my ridiculous self-image.
It is great to hear your tale of mightiness. Xx

brit
brit
6 years ago

Unchumping, congratulations on all your accomplishments, especially getting rid of the load.
Enjoy your holiday in Greece,
Life will only continue to get better.

Keepin'Calm
Keepin'Calm
6 years ago

Good for you!!! I’m so happy to see that things are so, so much better without him!

chumpinrecovery
chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

“Thanks to the stress of their affair I lost 20 kg and got my adolescence body back. Also my kids are finally having a stress free home where they get to run around the place, scream and get creative without someone yelling constantly at them for, well, being kids.”

Thanks for writing that. I need constant reminders as to why we are better off without him in the house. It is still hard for me to be grateful for losing him but these kinds of reminders will make that possible someday. Nowhere near meh yet, but at least I know there is reason for hope because there really are reasons why I am better off without him. I just have to work through this annoying anger stage.

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago

I lost 10 kgs and you could bounce a coin off my ass. I like to wear yoga pants when I see him, just to piss him off.

Keepin'Calm
Keepin'Calm
6 years ago

chumpinrecovery, I’m nowhere near meh yet, either (I found out about the affair in February), but being here has made me realize that it will happen one day. I looked through journals I’ve kept since 2002 (we got married in 1999) and I saw SO MUCH pain in them. I can’t believe I lived with him for so long and put up with his shit.

Like you, I need the constant reminders, too, as I remember the good times, as well. But we will get there. 🙂

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago

As CL writes in her book… YOU WON THE LUGGAGE! I am so proud of you and your mightiness. And, how awesome that your kids get a sane parent and an awesome childhood. Just freaking fantastic!

(Of course, since I’m not completely at meh… I am going to hope that they both get food poisoning at the reception.)

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago

Hahahahaha, nothing like Montezuma’s Revenge on their wedding night!

marriagedetective
marriagedetective
6 years ago

Right there with you Unchumping! Getting rid of the X gave me my parents and siblings back. It has been WONDERFUL to have people in my life that don’t suck the life out of it.

I too make more money by sheer fact of not having to pay for his unemployed ass. Went out and purchased furniture and clothing and am loving the freedom to do what I want with the money I make.

I’m so glad I know now that my X was such a loser. Feels great to be rid of him.

Gorillapoop
Gorillapoop
6 years ago

Getting rid of my ex has given me back all this time and energy that I can now use to be a more present, creative, and helpful mother, sister, daughter, friend, etc. It’s wonderful to fill my own cup first and be able to use the overflow to enrich other’s lives, instead of pouring so much into my ex and his family’s cup, which had an empty, gaping hole at the bottom.

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
6 years ago

Good for you Unchumping. And even though it will be a hard day you’re strong and keep living your life.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago

I sorta wrote such a letter already- as a preemptive counterattack so I wouldn’t write a sob letter I guess.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

Dear Stbx narc cheater…,

You have announced that you can’t take “it” anymore and you want out of the marriage. You now inform me that it takes two to have a relationship and only one to end it and you gotta want it. In your words: we are not dating anymore and you can’t just flip a switch.

All I can say after 27 years of what I mistakenly thought was a marriage, is grow up already. You are not two and are no longer the king of your universe despite the fact that your mommy treats you that way.

I now realize life is all about you. You don’t have a clue as to how others feel. It must really suck to not feel for others and only have a capacity for two emotions-anger and pleasure. I will now leave you in that personal hell that I foolishly tried to be a part of all these years.

I know I was your communication bridge to our 5 children and now that you burned it, it cannot be resurrected from the ashes. That bridge you are attempting to build through your new age therapist is looking pretty rickety. I am sure schnoopie will be happy to jump in and save you when it collapses.

I am so happy that you have found “new and fresh” with schnoopie. I am sure that 53 rear old vagina has an amazing shelf like- kind of like a Twinkie.

I thank schnoopie for opening my eyes to the fact that all the red flags I ignored were real and now without you, I will at least have a chance to experience love someday and that will be new and fresh for me.

Knowing your obsession with sex with mirrors, I will leave you with a wishful fantasy, spray mirrors ( kind of like a spray tan) to cover her entire body so you get a good view no matter which way you enter.

Sayonara ,
Feelingit

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

I want to plagerize it too! I could use virtually all of it – except the bit about the mirrors! Fabulous!

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Amazing letter! A+ I also could tweak this one for myself.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

The twinkie line… Hahahahahahahahaha Awesome letter!

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

“Spray mirrors” – – Hilarious!

chumpinrecovery
chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Hay can I plagiarize your letter. It only needs a few tweaks to work for my STBX.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

Cut no copywrites here lol!

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Chumpinrecovery not cut!

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Lmao. Shelf life of a Twinkie.

Be strong

DrFormerChump
DrFormerChump
6 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

That’s hilarious!

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
6 years ago

I would just say to him Fuck you you fucking fuck

Sincerely

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
6 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

Eloquent and to the point. I like it.

and she was
and she was
6 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

?

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

Hey, that’s basically my letter too!

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

+1

DavidB
DavidB
6 years ago

1. I will never accept “blind trust” unknown passwords. Only full transparency!
2. I will never take assignments as to what I need to do to improve myself. Also known as if u do this all will be good. And each time I did, something else was wrong with me.
3. There will be boundaries and I will not accept them being crossed over and over!
4. DDay is last day.

It is amazing what I overlooked and accepted. It is amazing how instead of taking your good will as an opportunity to fix a problem, they see it as a weakness and use it against you. Knowing what I know today, the moment she changed her passwords, is the day I should have walked away and never spoke to her again! Would have saved me 6 years of my life of pain!

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

DavidB, blind trust, is exactly what I did. X comes across as a righteous man, always quick to bring to my attention the indiscretions of others especially people he worked with, ending the conversation with some reference to him being my best friend and would never..,
For months maybe years, more often in the year before he left my intuition told me something was “off.” I remember one afternoon X and I were in the kitchen after lunch, having small talk, when out of nowhere I asked if he had been with someone. It was like someone else had taken over my brain.
X chuckled, Brit, do you think I’m that kind of guy? he turned things around, Brit you should write novels, ha, ha, you’re watching too many soap operas. (I’ve never watched soap operas). quite the imagination Brit. Have you thought about finding hobby? you have too much time on your hands,
You know I’m not that kind of guy, I’l never forget him saying those words.
Afterwards I felt guilty for asking, as hard as I tried to shake it off the gut feeling wouldn’t go away.
Denial, blind trust, ignoring gut feeling. Believing X was something he wasn’t. His lectures on how honest he is, how lucky I am that I married him, because so many men cheat. He’s a man of integrity.
I would have bet my life X wouldn’t cheat.., yes, DavidB, I now have a new word to add to my cheating vocabulary, “Blind Trust.”

Intuition
Intuition
6 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

DavidB, your list sounds like my last year of life. It’s awful how much we sacrifice and overlook isn’t it?

DavidB
DavidB
6 years ago
Reply to  Intuition

It’s what I overlooked! Or as I now call denial! I made it easy on her. I was so sure she was acting out to push me to do something better. No way could she ever really cheat!

marriagedetective
marriagedetective
6 years ago

Dear X,

Now that you are no longer in my life, I promise:

1. To give myself the kindness that I looked for you to give me but never, ever received. You showed me who you really were when we were dating and I’ll be damned but I didn’t believe you. Now I completely understand that you cannot make someone change. You can’t replace a heart where there was none to begin with.

2. To believe what people do and make sure that their actions match up with what they are saying.

3. To stop spackling for anyone in my life. To start telling it like it is and allow people’s actions to speak for themselves.

4. To love the freedom of being free from you, a cheater and a tyrant. I make it on my own just fine without you and it’s wonderful to not have to cook and clean for someone who doesn’t appreciate it, berates and belittles me at every turn, demands that my needs and desires be vanquished, who is unable and unwilling to get a job and be a contributor to the household and whose negative outlook on life completely drained the life from my bones.

5. To never meddle with the type of man who disrespects or stomps on my boundaries. Being single is much more fulfilling than ever being with the likes of you again.

Sincerely,
Marriage Detective (no more! That freedom has definitely gone to my head too)

Meh or Bust
Meh or Bust
6 years ago

Yes, yes, and, really, just yes. What else is there?

Respect.

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago

MD, you just wrote my letter for me. Thanks, and best wishes!

OhHellNo

Ali
Ali
6 years ago

Dear Ex,

I didn’t realize it at the time, but you were slowly destroying my soul.

I got my soul back.

I am alone, but my heart is lighter. I will protect and nourish my soul better from now on.

Thank you for slipping up and revealing your double life after four years rather than later.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
6 years ago
Reply to  Ali

Nailed it!!!!

Keepin'Calm
Keepin'Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  Ali

Spot on.

ChumpAsItIs
ChumpAsItIs
6 years ago
Reply to  Ali

Nicely said

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Ali

❤️ this.

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
6 years ago

Dear departed delusional twisted sociopath,

Please give me the OW’s address so I can send her chocolate and flowers for being there for me.

I had no idea how wonderful life was until you left.

Meh or Bust
Meh or Bust
6 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

I am going to do this. Seriously. But not until he has signed the settlement agreement.

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
6 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

Awesome

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

Love this!

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Haha, CJ!

Nikki Lynn
Nikki Lynn
6 years ago

I’ll take a bit of a different slant . . . So, as part of signing up for a 3day intensive post D-day that included a full disclosure followed by polygraph, I signed an agreement saying that, no matter what he did, I would stay in the marriage for one year following (he signed saying he would stay in 2 years – no matter what I did). I took this seriously when I signed it and expected to do so. As a honest and reliable chump my word is my bond…Until it wasn’t.

After hearing the most horrific, unfathomable, and dispicable disclosure imaginable (solid serial cheating the entire time I’ve know him — over 30 years) AND THEN watching this mother fucker go half-assed at “recovery” for two months following the three day intensive . . . Finally, I shut that shit down. After all the previous looking for answers from the sex addiction “professionals” and deferring my better judgement to their “expertise” I said “FUCK that agreement I signed. It’s not binding. And, I cannot and will not stay in this marriage another minute of another day.

So, that, my friends was the Un-Agreement! Which then led to filing, no contact, and the path to healing, peace and true happiness.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  Nikki Lynn

Awesome mightiness! I’m so sorry he put you through that and so glad that you are free now.

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
6 years ago
Reply to  Nikki Lynn

Nikki Lynn, I am so very proud of you for chucking the “agreement” and standing up for yourself. It’s hard to do when you have loved someone, and the Reconciliation Industrial Complex only makes it harder. Congratulations!!! Your new life awaits!

K
K
6 years ago
Reply to  Nikki Lynn

Well done Nikki Lynn!! Woohoo

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Nikki Lynn

Woo hoo! Nikki Lynn, you are mighty! (though I would have loved to see cheater boy take you to court for breaking your contract, only to have his sexual filth pour out into a public record.)

WisedUp
WisedUp
6 years ago

Cheater, fake tears streaming down his cheeks, looked at me pityingly while informing me (now that he got caught and I told him to GTFO) and said someday I too, might get a “second chance.” Pretty sure he meant, as he’d said many times, that if it didn’t work out for him with whore, that he would come back to me. Lucky me, instead the second chance was my chance to live the rest of my days Cheater-free.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  WisedUp

I got (and wanted to believe at the time) the “maybe, someday” wistful nonsense also. Yeah, it will be a long, long time.

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

I will see one day that ‘I lost a good man’ this on day I threw him out and ‘you will one day see the part you played in this’.
Yep,,,to the left to the left, everything you own in the box to the left

Meh or Bust
Meh or Bust
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady b

Lady b, are you my sister? This is the song she always quotes!

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago
Reply to  Meh or Bust

Nope, I just got a brother.

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago

This sparked a trip for me to the drawer where I keep the copied of the letters I sent him…a huge pile of them…explaining why the things he did hurt me and begging him to quit being mean. Years of them. Begging over and over again. I want to say that I learned slowly then, but its not true, in reality, I didnt learn at all. He was mean, I begged him to be nice, he was mean….

So what would my un-letter look like?

If he were alive and I could write him something that he would read and I wrote it knowing the full truth of his serial adultery.

Nowdeadcheater,

Direct all communications to my attorney and do not contact me directly. If we ever find ourselves in the same location and you touch me, I will have you arrested for battery.

Don’t be an asshole to the kids.

STBXW

Hcard
Hcard
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

My now dead husband, gave me,
1. myself back,
2. his life insurance,
3. The house
4. The freedom to do what I want, every minute of every day.
5. The ability to tell him what an ass, idiot, narc and MF everyday. Without having to listen to his BS, rage or pity shit.

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  Hcard

I hadn’t been myself without him in so long Im not sure there was a self to “get back” I had to get to know myself all over again and I like be, Im rather badass.

And yes, I got everything. I also created a new life for myself that is really wonderful

Meh or Bust
Meh or Bust
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

UNM. My idol.

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

LOVE!!!

chumpinrecovery
chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

Ten reasons why you are not a good person

1. You are good at resentment
2. You don’t appreciate what you have or what others do for you
3. You constantly criticize and show distain for those you should love
4. You blame others for your own self-inflicted unhappiness
5. You resent any criticism directed at you no matter how minor or how true
6. You pretend to befriend or even love people you don’t really like
7. You are selfish, self-centered and incapable of empathy
8. You put yourself and your happiness above all others
9. You devalued, betrayed, discarded and replaced to one person who loved you most in the world
10. You traded stability and honest love for disfunction and a superior blow job
11. You conspired with Schmoopie to tear two families apart (8 kids total)
12. You would rather spend holidays with Schmoopie than with your kids (you don’t even want placement on your birthday in the marriage agreement)
13. You are giving up your night to be Dad on July 3rd (Monday nights are yours in the marriage agreement) to go see fireworks with Schmoopie
Ok that was thirteen, but I kept coming up with new ones.

Now 5 reasons why Schmoopie isn’t a good person either.

1. She pretended to try and make friends with me while fucking you behind my back
2. She didn’t succeed because she was actually pretty arrogant, condescending, and insulting in her approach
3. She neglected her family in pursuit of you
4. She knowingly and deliberately fucked somebody else’s husband while still married herself and then actively and deliberately took steps to ensure that our attempts at reconciliation would fail and encouraged you to leave me and forever complicate your relationship with your kids
5. She conspired with you to tear two families apart (did I mention the 8 kids total who now come from broken homes that you two broke)
6. She’s a selfish self-centered slut (but then so are you so maybe you really are soul mates).

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago

Chumpinrecovery, were you married to my ex ??? The only tiny alterations required to make this a perfect fit are;
I didn’t know OW, and she had already broken up her kids’ family’s by cheating, before meeting my ex.
I do not concede to the ‘superior blow-job’ part! Only ‘more frequently available blow-jobs’ (’cause in a non-reciprocal relationship, after a while there aren’t as many of those.)

Otherwise a perfect match! Right down to dumping the kids on holidays. Must be intheir manual.

chumpinrecovery
chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

I admit I am speculating on the blow job.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago

^^!!!!!YES!!!!^^^

Thank you for writing my letter for me, I’m busy at work today.:-)
Everything you said. Perfection!!
5 kids in my scenario.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago

Ditto!

chumpittychumpchump
chumpittychumpchump
6 years ago

Dear Asshole,
I no longer care if you care about this letter. I know longer care if you care about how you are hurting me. I don’t even want a response from you. You are a lying, cheating waste of a human life. You can no longer hurt me and you did not break me like I told you you would. I did not kill myself over you. You are ugly, you have a huge nose and deformed face. I do not love you anymore. You were not worth the ink on the paper from my letters or the time that it took to write them. You are a shitty father and always were. You broke your vows and I am sorry I ever took you back the first time. I don’t want your love anymore and I will never ever ever beg another person to love me. You were not worth the 22 years that I wasted on you. You have a corrupt soul. I am better than you and I always was. You are disgusting and you are dumb. If I never see your face or hear your stupid nasally voice again, it would be a dream come true. Thank you for allowing me to live an authentic life, not one where the other person is faking (as you had to have been). You deserve the nasty whore you are with because you are the same. And I am way way above you both. Rot in hell bastard fuckface.

Fuck you,
Chumpitty

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
6 years ago

Me 2

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
6 years ago
Reply to  Whodoesthat

Me 3

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago

chumpitty for the win!!

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago

Best closing line ever.

Intuition
Intuition
6 years ago

❤️❤️❤️

Tessie
Tessie
6 years ago

Never wrote any kind of letter to cheater ex. When I took the kids and left, I was done with his sorry butt in every way by then. He made my skin crawl.

While financially it was touch and go for a while, my boys and I were soooo much better off without him.

As UnchumpingMyself wrote above, they got to be kids again without being constantly being yelled at it be still and quiet. I got to do life and parenting my way without unceasing criticism for the first time in years. It was a peaceful, sane and loving household at last. All the crazy stayed with cheater ex.

I’m not saying it was a bed of roses all the time, but it was a million times better without cheater ex and his bullshit. That 11 months between the day we left, and when cheater ex took his revenge, was the happiest time of my life, and I will cherish it always.

Today, I all can say is that I own my own life. I get to choose everything now! I can get up when I like, and go to bed when I like. I eat what I want, when I want, where I want. My money and my time are my own. I can come and go as I like. My needs are simple and I can easily afford my life style. My pets are loved and cared for with no interference. I get to live my life with no lies or judgements. No one is belittling or manipulating me. Humiliation is a thing of the past and peace of mind reigns. I have friends and family whom I love and who love me without drama. All the toxic people are gone from my life and if I get a whiff of disordered drama with any new potential friend, I just step away…..no muss, no fuss. Guess my picker is in a lot better shape.

I am so grateful to be away from all the crazy drama and turmoil that was cheater ex and his nest of narcs family. Leave a cheater and gain a life is the absolute truth. Life is so much better away from them.

A great big thank you to Chumplady and Chump Nation to helping me make sense of it all. It has made a huge difference in my healing process, and I am greatful!

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Big hugs Tessie. You are the mightiest of the mighty.

Tessie
Tessie
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Thank you Beth, you are pretty darn mighty yourself! Hugs!

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago

Five reasons my life is better without you.
1. I don’t have to put up with you neediness and mememeing.
2. I’m not with someone who spends their money recklessly without consideration of family goals or needs.
3. I don’t have to talk/ argue/ debate with an illogical, irrational person who gaslights and blame shifts.
4. I don’t feel the pressure of having to cook, look good or say the right thing so you don’t start whining or threaten to leave or find someone else.
5. I’m free of the mindfuckery and lying that will never change if I take you back.
6. I don’t fucking trust you as far as I could throw you.
Yesterday en email, lame,, but saying he wants to come home, tonight he says he can’t talk to me and feels better when he doesn’t. Total mindfuckery…

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady b

Wishful thinking. Although still present, at least you no longer have to care.

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady b

Sorry I lied, not free of the mind fuckery, it’s still happening.

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady b

Hope you’re not responding to those e-mails, Lady. Because you’re right, it’s just mindfuckery.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Nope no reply, which makes him worse, he ‘poured his heart out’ in that 5 min email.
No hang on now he’s doesn’t want me and is saving to go to Germany to see shagabag, good luck saving, your crap with money, have to pay child support and rent, don’t earn a huge amount and are 20 k in debt with high interest rate. Basically is resorting to threats to try and come back. As they say in Australia, yeah, nah!

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

In order for him to come back, you’d have to allow him into the door.

Don’t.

Take the kids to the beach or something.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  Soldiering On

I won’t be. He has a lease on his own place until March next year and will not be staying here any time. None of his possessions are here and I got the keys back from him.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

Dear Cunt Fucker,

I’ll try to briefly summarize how I gained a life since I threw you out, hired an amazing lawyer and divorced YOU.

There is no chaos in my life. I don’t have to gather evidence, have a sinking feeling knowing there would always be a next. I’ve kept the two homes that I consider to be a good standard of living. I can see the ocean from the loft and walk to the beach across the street. My other home has gardens and a beautiful deck at the fire pit I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with my children celebrating holidays together.

My income has increased and continues to support my granddaughter and son. I have strong bonds with my children who respect me and love me for having integrity and strength to live better. I’m looking forward to retirement with the pension, Social Security, in the 403B I contribute to now that I don’t have to support you.

I’ve met many chumps and continue to maintain my lifelong friendships. I find that having authentic people in my life loves me and makes me feel positive and happy. I can finally be spontaneous and independent doing all the things that nourish my soul. While I believed that I changed it so much I really haven’t changed much at all. The difference is that now I recognize the qualities authentic people possess. I stay clear of the disordered and those who are selfish self-centered and on the cluster B spectrum.

I recognize my worth and my value as a human being and know that regardless of what happens I have a future that I am in control of and no one has the right to abuse me.

I recognize the power and control I gave to you and how that led me to tolerate pain and suffering that I did not deserve. Facing that pain has led me to gaining a life and knowing that there was nothing I could ever do to become the fantasy of a disordered mind. I was never pathetic; you are the pathetic one. For all the suffering that you put me through I pray each and every day that you continue to suffer seeking out that which you will never have, my soul. It’s no longer yours. And be sure to get all those doctors visits in ASAP because motherfucker I’m dropping you off my health insurance if it’s the last thing I can do. Fuck you.

mcfiesty
mcfiesty
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

You had me at “Dear Cunt Fucker”…:)

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  mcfiesty

Haha, a little variation on the Limited.

Thisishowitsdone
Thisishowitsdone
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Wow Doingme, so much pain and hurt yet your strength is so empowering. You are so Mighty! I bow to you.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

I’m humbled. Thank you. This thread has lifted me up so much I went out and bought myself clothes and pistachio coffee. Xoxo

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

And I’m joining a gym for the summer. ?

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago

I second that, no chaos, ah fucking men.

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago

Doingme. You rock, full stop!

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady b

Thanks Lady B and what I might add is that I no longer have to minimize or downsize. One cannot pretend a two inch dick is satisfying or that a downgrade is a dream girl.

The Limited WAS the only one I had sex with prior to dumping him in 2014. I had no idea what I was missing. Xoxo.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

“One cannot pretend a two inch dick is satisfying. … The Limited WAS the only one I had se with prior to dumping him in 2014 “. Right there with ya sister, right down to the year! 😉

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Nothing beats single life Beth. Enjoy your freedom!

stillfedup
stillfedup
6 years ago

1. I no longer have your back. You have never had mine.
2. I will no longer protect you. You have never protected me.
3. I will never take your side again. You have never taken mine.
4. I will never protect you again. That is why I told her husband about your affair. It was the best thing that I have ever done for myself . I was giddy with joy to out the both of you and finally stand up for myself. You did not protect me or our children but instead put us at risk.
5. I no longer believe one word that comes out of your mouth. You have gaslighted me and lied to me for years. I will remember that you cannot tell the truth and will never tell the truth if it in any way makes you look bad or diminishes you. I will tell anyone who asks the truth about who you are… a lying deceitful adulterer.

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  stillfedup

I can’t say all that stuff yet but I will aspire to stop protecting him. I will stop making assumptions that his intentions, values, and character is good.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  stillfedup

Yes, well put, I hope his house of cards comes tumbling down!

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago
Reply to  stillfedup

#4!!!! I will never protect you again. I might resent that the most–that not only did I allow his image management, I was complicit in it by always apologizing, putting the best spin on everything he said and did, and just generally never telling people what an ass he really was.