Getting the Hell Out of Dodge

After D-Day, did you ever consider getting the hell out of Dodge? Just pulling up stakes and going somewhere with no triggers? Where no one knows your painful story or your FW ex?

For most of us reinvention in new environs isn’t practical. We’ve got sunk costs, leases we can’t break, family we won’t leave, or kids in school. For some, it may not even be desirable. When the bottom falls out of your world and your reality has been messed with, it’s understandable to cling to the familiar.

Not Nancy.

Our latest Tell Me How You’re Mighty podcast, our guest responded to her husband’s infidelity (and their subsequent divorce) with a road trip. To the other side of the country. To take a job in a field she’d never done. In a part of the world that was foreign to the New England life she’d always led.

Her mantra: “EAT MY SPARKLE DUST!”

No more pick me dance. No more trying to please Mr. Unplease-able.  Just new horizons.

We asked her if she looked back, after her ex quickly announced his engagement to Schmoopie on Facebook.

“No. I’m an interesting person and I lead an interesting life. They can follow me.”

Way to be MIGHTY!

If you want to see pictures of Nancy’s roadtrip, follow her on Instagram at candy_for_breakfastt.

Do you have a get the hell out of Dodge story? Tell CN about it in the comments. It’s Tuesday! (Gain a life, no pain day.)

****

In other podcast news, we’re starting a new segment called “Fuckwit of the Week.” And I need your fuckwits.

Don’t you have plenty of FW tales on this blog, Tracy?

Yes, but I’m looking for timely FW stories. Did your FW do something particularly egregious this week? Is there a FW in the news that you would like to nominate for blithering toxicity? Or did you read some reconciliation nonsense that you want to throw a brick at? Leave us a message! Nominate your FW!

You can leave us a 90-second voicemail here.

We also LOVE your mighty stories too! Candy for breakfast counts as mighty.

Next week, we’ve got Dr. George Simon and coming up in October, Dr. Omar Minwalla. Please follow us on your platform of choice and if you enjoy the podcasts, give us a review. Thanks!

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HunnyBadger
HunnyBadger
2 months ago

She is my SuperHero. I feel as though Chumps who manage to not only survive but pull off an extraordinary Bend-the-Road maneuver like this should wear a special badge, or at least get a cape and a comic book. She is my inspiration and I really need inspiration today. Thank you so much for this!

LuckyCline
LuckyCline
2 months ago

Yep. About a year after DDAY I decided I was going to move to France. Just going had always been a dream of mine so living there sounded amazing. No kids and I’m still young so it was doable. I started learning french while I got through paying two years of alimony to the FW. Came here twice last year, and now I’m living in Lyon France studying for my Masters of cancer research. Graduating with this degree can get my French citizenship in five years.

So glad I did it too. Every day I get hit with feelings of gratitude for being here.

Came a long way from where I was shortly after DDAY.

https://www.chumplady.com/2019/09/dear-chump-lady-i-built-my-whole-life-around-her/

Overit
Overit
2 months ago
Reply to  LuckyCline

You are my spirit animal! Way to.Rock gaining an awesome life!!

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
2 months ago
Reply to  LuckyCline

Congrats on your new life and Vive la Révolution!

Chumpy McChumpface
Chumpy McChumpface
2 months ago
Reply to  LuckyCline

Fantastic! You are in the food capital of France too. Wonderful country.

SunriseRuby
SunriseRuby
2 months ago

Best of all, she’s not eating des sanwiches au merde. (My college French is really rusty, so I’m hoping that’s correct, or that at least you’ll get what I mean!)

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
2 months ago
Reply to  LuckyCline

How wonderful!!’

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 months ago
Reply to  LuckyCline

Wow! Good for you! Félicitations!💪

susie lee
susie lee
2 months ago

I didn’t do a city departure, but I did immediately withdraw myself from the community I had been involved in. It came as a natural thing because there was no way I could stay involved with it with him and the whore there.

The work I had been doing was to support my fw’s career. I instinctively knew that I needed to snow support my own career and me.

FW gave whore an engagement ring before he even filed for D from me. His mother told me. The next day I saw a lawyer, then called him and told him if he wanted a D he needed to file and get it done. He tried the (magnanimous {vomit}) shit of “Oh I want you to file”. Nope, you do the clean up asshole. Well I only said no, the last part was in my head.

Quite frankly he was kissing ass at light speed to to keep his job, I don’t think he knew what he was saying or doing at any given moment for a while. She was his direct report and he was operating under an ethics complaint.

I don’t regret all the work I did in the community, I learned so much and met great folks; but I hate that it benefitted him.

OutButNotDown
OutButNotDown
2 months ago

I got out of Dodge. First I flew out of state, carrying all my belongings, where I had a place to stay lined up. Then I drove a rental car across 7 states to stay at a different place available to me while I figured out where to go next. After about 5 weeks of being a nomad out of state, I eventually returned to my home state – BUT I looked for housing in a brand new city where I knew NO ONE. That part of it was essential for me.

That was nearly two years ago now and I am still very fond of my newly built life made all on my own. I have made great new friends who don’t know my now Ex. And I have been able to heal so much faster with all the distance from him and his enablers.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 months ago
Reply to  OutButNotDown

Yeah. Being with people who don’t know the cheater at all has helped me heal, too.

And, for my sanity, I needed to cut ties with ex’s family, even though they had nothing to do with the betrayal. Too damn triggering, plus I knew they were still in contact with FW and had embraced AP-now-wife. No thank you.

My ex-MIL, embracer-in-chief, died last year. I have limited contact with my ex-SIL, even though we were college friends and roommates. It’s through her that I met FW. We exchange birthday greetings and see each other at weddings, but it’s not the same. Notably, she recently invited me to her son’s wedding. They did NOT invite FW, which must have been a major blow to that entitled man. His own sister!!

Anyway, when they have affairs, cheaters think they are damaging only the mirage (thanks, VH), which is a price they’re more than willing to pay.

But they’re so caught up in their own selfish needs and desires that they don’t consider that they might be paying an even bigger price. As a group, FWs have little foresight or self-awareness. They suck at anticipating consequences. And when FWs get blowback from the inevitable collateral damage–such as kids wanting nothing to do with them or friends distancing themselves–they cry foul and become the victims. Mine said, “I’m sad every day.”🎻

Oof, I meandered off topic…

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
2 months ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

So true!

susie lee
susie lee
2 months ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

“Anyway, when they have affairs, cheaters think they are damaging only the mirage (thanks, VH), which is a price they’re more than willing to pay.”

So much truth. And quite honestly I thought this in the beginning. I figured I would be devastated and I knew my life would change in huge ways; but for some reason I saw fw skipping off with whore and them having the great life that he and I built together. Didn’t happen.

Oh they skipped off, but it was not to the life I helped build. Much to their surprise I am sure.

I don’t think off topic matter, that is the appeal of these kinds of sites to get the inner feeling out and that helps others.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
2 months ago
Reply to  susie lee

FW and young AP moved 3 times since Dday 5 years ago. Their last move was to a 1 bedroom apt a little over a hour away with an untrained dog. NC with our adult children, grands or his siblings. I have been invited to bridal showers, weddings, memorials & birthday parties. Definitely not the life we planned either, married 36 years when I filed.

Orlando
Orlando
2 months ago

I moved the town over despite loving the town I had been in with FW. Guess what? I love this town more. I still see the FW occasionally as him & Schmoopie will come to restaurants here (no reason except probably hoping they’ll run into me & I’ll bring some drama to their lives). Meh. I could care less if they were doing it naked right there, I would step over them & keep walking.

OHFFS
OHFFS
2 months ago
Reply to  Orlando

Orlando, all is not well in twuwuvland if they need to get their kicks triangulating by trying to run into you. Nice karma and I love your attitude about it.

Orlando
Orlando
2 months ago
Reply to  OHFFS

Thanks OHFSS…. that thought did cross my mind too. 😆

Orlando
Orlando
2 months ago
Reply to  Orlando

Just took a quick look at candy_for_breakfast instagram. What an inspiring lady!! She definitely made lemonade out of lemons! 🍋

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 months ago

I got out of dodge! Within 5 months of D-day, I sold our family home of 28 years and a lake house that FW pretended would be our home during retirement, and I rented an apartment 100 miles away so that I could be near my kids and grandkids. Added bonus was escaping all the triggers that surrounded me in the town where I raised my kids and where ex conducted his secret life with the AP. So, this lifelong suburbanite is now in the city. Cue Mary Tyler Moore throwing the baret.

p.s. I was lucky that I didn’t have to stay because of minor children or other obligations. My heart goes out to those of you who have these kinds of constraints. Had I had to stay, I would have redecorated and tossed the marital bed where those two had sex. 🤮. That’s too much to ask of a smudge stick.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
2 months ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

The kids make it tough. XW neglected to tell me that our marriage was over until I’d moved everyone 1000 miles for her new job. (I say “I moved” because she’d already gone ahead; I was doing all the parenting, plus working, plus arranging both ends of the move while XW was busy with other stuff, if you catch my drift.) If I’d known two months earlier we would never have move. If I wouldn’t have had to give up the kids, I would have left immediately. Now I’m stuck here for another 6 years until my youngest graduates from high school.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 months ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Oops. “Beret” not “baret.”

Chumpasaurus45
Chumpasaurus45
2 months ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

I thought first you meant barrette and I thought to myself, I don’t remember that part in the show. 😂
(And why she would be winging a barrette into the sky anyway, I have no explanation for, lol!) 🤣

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 months ago
Reply to  Chumpasaurus45

Haha. I appreciate your trying to figure it out. 🤣

And this is for the younger chumps who might not know the reference (at 52s): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1GC6yXZ4e4

KatiePig
KatiePig
2 months ago

One of my ex’s friends actually tried to get me to do this back when I stupidly thought she was my friend. She was all gushing about how I should move across the country when I was suicidal and desperately needed support. I remember saying, “I don’t know anyone there…” And she was just all, you can meet new people! Maybe an outdoorsy guy but oh, you’ll probably have to have another baby if you want to get married again.

That makes me so mad when I look back on it. Man, fuck those people.

susie lee
susie lee
2 months ago
Reply to  KatiePig

I remember one of the few times I ever spoke to fw after he left, he said “I figured you would move to TX to be with your dad. Yes wouldn’t it have been convenient for him for me to just disappear.

Fuck him and the whore he rode in on.

Renee62
Renee62
2 months ago
Reply to  susie lee

“Fuck him and the whore he rode in on.” 😂🤣😂🤣😂 Thank you!

Name Changer
Name Changer
2 months ago

I had a year’s window when I could have moved back to my home town and lived with my mother. However my then 12 year old would have had to make new friends and move sports clubs so I chose not to do it.

Hopeful Cynic
Hopeful Cynic
2 months ago

In my worst days after D-day I contemplated that robbing a bank would get me put away from it all. It was recognizing this depressive thinking that helped me realize what fake reconciliation was doing to me.

I think getting out of dodge moves only work if they are for rebuilding, not just to escape.

susie lee
susie lee
2 months ago
Reply to  Hopeful Cynic

I agree with your last sentence.

There was no way I was going to let that asshole run me out of my town. I took myself out of my regular routine, for myself but uprooting at that time would have been a disaster for me.

Note: I did leave the state about 5 years later, but it was a choice to follow my career and not a run away. By then FW and whore has moved out of the county too. I think they were hoping to escape the pile of shit they had produced; but unfortunately per my son it didn’t help them much. Alas seems they drug the piles of shit with them, wonder how that happened?

Lisa
Lisa
2 months ago

My fw found a long lost childhood friend 🤣🤣. Was 180kg but lost 100kg. Her story is in “That’s life” magazine in australia. She’s now a plus size model and a TV extra. All plastic from the skin removal to her boobs and face. I knew nothing about her til I busted them. Her husband, yes she’s married, earns over $400k/year. My FW is dreaming. She won’t leave. Go and disgrace her. And him. Teena is all I can give as her name but you’ll find her. Different spelling for her name.

OHFFS
OHFFS
2 months ago
Reply to  Lisa

Tina, it’s best you leave those two FWs to devour each other rather than looking to publically disgrace them. You won’t get to meh that way. You say she won’t leave him. Does that mean you actually want to keep him yourself? Lisa, just don’t. Consider that bitch your ticket to freedom and put it all behind you.
Do tell her husband, though. He has a right to know.

OHFFS
OHFFS
2 months ago
Reply to  OHFFS

Oops. Lisa, I’m sorry I mistakenly addressed you by her name. 😆

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 months ago

I definitely recommend getting out of Dodge if you possibly can. As soon as I got my settlement, (100%, fuckwit got an £800 barrister’s bill 😈🤣), I packed my stuff, and left Yorkshire for Northumberland, a county I’ve always loved, with no memories of fuckwit, bar a visit to Housesteads Roman fort, which I’ve since taken back. 😁 Now I have a dear little house, all mine, which contains absolutely nothing associated with that fucking abuser, friends to go walking with, see things with, (or just on my own, which I also love) and best of all, no chance of seeing that fucker and his rat faced whore. I wish I could say I was 100% meh, but I am getting there. My heart goes out to all fellow chumps who are stuck for whatever reason. Hugs x

Skewers the Hare
Skewers the Hare
2 months ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

Your description makes me wish I could hop across the pond and visit you in your dear little house! I could bring my secret to super-quick and reasonably healthy crumpets if you like. (Must have something to follow all those bracing Northern rambles!)

Shadow
Shadow
2 months ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

I’ve never been up as far as even Yorkshire, but I’ve heard it’s lovely round your way as well. Fair play to you for moving and claiming your own territory!
I grew up in the Midlands, not the prettiest part of England, but it’s home where my real friends are and I can’t wait to leave Ireland and go back.
Ireland is beautiful but very damp, very expensive and it’s almost impossible to forge close friendships unless you’ve grown up here. My son has a really sound group of lads as mates, but he went to school with them. Once you move here as an adult, Irish people are friendly but it’s superficial and they keep you at arm’s length. It’s something many who’ve moved here have said, even members of the recent Irish Diaspora like me, people with Irish parents and with extended family here.
My son told me the other week that some research has found that Ireland is the loneliest country in Europe! I wasn’t at all surprised. That’s why I want to get this house sorted, sold up and move back to the not-very-pretty Midlands town I grew up in, because I do have real friends there plus it’s so much easier to make friends there. It’s a myth that English people are stand-offish, at least in my home town! It’s slow, tedious work here because everything takes so long, is so expensive and I’m on such a low income, but my heart is set on it, on getting far away from the loneliness, the damp and from him!

Michael worthy
Michael worthy
2 months ago
Reply to  Shadow

oh wow Shadow , that realy mirrors my experience living in Ireland for the past 25 years same as you Irish parents from here , good luck on your New chapter ,

Shadow
Shadow
2 months ago
Reply to  Michael worthy

Doy you know what Michael, every single 2nd generation Brit-born who’s moved here that I’ve met has said the same thing! One woman said to me that “Waterford people are all over you at first, but once they know all your business, they don’t want to know you anymore!”. I think every other person like us I’ve met has said similar about the people where they live! I’ve had people engage me in convo, find all all about me and then cut me dead nest time I’ve seen them and said hello! It really knocked my confidence at first because I worried I offended them in some way but it’s not that, it’s not personal. My theory is that, for centuries it was not just not safe, but maybe deadly dangerous to tell your business to a newcomer, because they might be an informer, or even an agent of the Crown! And let’s face it, everyone with our accent was an agent of the Crown of some sort!
The most genuinely friendly Irish people I’ve met, are the ones who’ve lived in England, especially if they have children who were born there!
Whereabouts in the country are you? I’m in the rural mid-west and I am bored out of my skull!

OHFFS
OHFFS
2 months ago
Reply to  Chumpnomore6

Northumberland is said to be gorgeous. Good for you CNM6.

Lynne
Lynne
2 months ago

I got out o Dodge 4 years after separation. I should have moved earlier and not subjected myself to all the triggers that the town represented. My 2 children had left for university – I was very sad and lost, though I did have my job and a support system with my co-workers which were my lifesavers. BUT, I kept bumping into him and his various girlfriends and the OW seemed to turn up with her husband in tow wherever I was – she always had a smirk on her face. There were just too many memories and triggers. I moved to a different part of the island we live on and it’s a beautiful city. Best thing I ever did.
He was stalling with the divorce (which he initiated) and when the divorce was granted I was already living in a new city and in different surroundings. It was the best decision I ever made to move forward with my life.

Cindy Lou
Cindy Lou
2 months ago

I bought a home in a beautiful community 20 miles away from FW. I kept the purchase a secret and had renovating the house for a month. It was in the beginning of December and I didn’t want him fucking up the family festivities, so I waited and dropped the ball on him on NYE! Told him that if he didn’t like it then he could leave until I could move. Finished the house a few months later and snatched the customs curtains right off of the windows and rolled the oriental rug up right out from under his feet as he sat in his recliner LOL! I live alone with my dog and cat with my children and grandchildren close by, in peace and happiness!

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 months ago
Reply to  Cindy Lou

Cindy Lou Woo-Who!

MegaMeh
MegaMeh
2 months ago
Reply to  Cindy Lou

Oh wow! You literally pulled the rug out from under his feet! Love this!!

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
2 months ago

I didn’t move because my daughters were in middle and high school and that would have been too traumatic for them – they were already having major psyche issues. However, when I repartnered, we moved to a new neighborhood I’d always wanted to live in and finished raising our kids there. Few knew my as FW’s X— after 25 years together, it’s been a blessing to be free. My fiancé and I are recent empty nesters and we moved to the outskirts and bought a dream horse farm. We have an established apple orchard and are getting chickens for our coop. The property has a second home where my son, his spouse and my first grandchild live. I get to see them every day, which makes my heart sing. We get visits from deer. I’m loving Tuesday!

Shadow
Shadow
2 months ago

That’s lovely Motherchumper!
I love hearing about chumps who’ve moved on to far better, happier lives, it gives me hope!

OHFFS
OHFFS
2 months ago

I’m sighing with pleasure just thinking about that orchard. Love it!

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
2 months ago

When I first moved out of our house, I stayed with my Mom, because I had to think. After a few months, I moved 900 miles west, to where I grew up. My sons were all adults, and I figured it would help me grow. It was amazing, and I was there for 9 years, reclaiming my autonomy, since I was used to catering to a Fuckwit! It was fun, and very affirming, and my career was doing great. So peaceful to know I would not have to encounter him, or her, at the grocery store. Now I’ve moved back, due to granddaughters being born, and wanting to be part of their lives. I’m glad the way things turned out, and FW still sucks, but I don’t don’t care!

Candy for breakfastt 🍭🍬
Candy for breakfastt 🍭🍬
2 months ago

Hi! Doing the podcast was so fun! I hope my story helps others realize your life can and will get better! You become more your true self, which is wonderful. Open yourself up to new experiences and enjoy your life …… 💗🌟💖✨

chumpedchange
chumpedchange
2 months ago

so great to hear the liveliness in your voice! Thank you!

TheDivineMissChump
TheDivineMissChump
2 months ago

Yep. Walked out on dday with a purse-sized tote bag filled with some clothes and a toothbrush. I drove to a friend’s home in a neighboring state and stayed a couple of days then headed to another friend’s house 2 more states away where I stayed till the divorce was finalized the following month.
I came back and rented a townhouse in the same town, but started looking to buy a home in a different county where my oldest daughter lives. I was NC from the minute I received my settlement (email only prior) and have kept my whereabouts unknown to him since the day I left over 2 years ago. I bought my house earlier this year and am safely far enougeh away from ever accidentally crossing his path again. So close to meh I can feel it!!

Elsie
Elsie
2 months ago

I didn’t because I had my commuter college students with me, but I sure thought about it. An elderly relative suggested that I move into their guesthouse and have the college kids stay with church friends of ours. It didn’t seem right and the time. We needed to work through the abandonment together, and in many ways, I needed to work through the memories and history here. Not everyone needs that. I did.

Post-divorce, the relative who offered the guesthouse lost her husband, and I flew out to live in her guesthouse for a month. It was the right thing then, but I was very glad that I hadn’t done that when my marriage imploded. Her dementia had really taken over, and I could only imagine the stress of dealing with that plus my own problems. Post-divorce I was fine caring for her and made many trips back-and-forth in the first year until we got her into a nursing home.

Michael worthy
Michael worthy
2 months ago

stayed put , ex left to other side of the city , daughter was doing her leaving school exams at the time , she goes to college now just near the family home , son moved out two years ago and visits often which is good , still a bit away on the mortgage so will stick around and pay for college fees , lots of triggers bil lives next door hes fine , he moved there to be closer to his sister , ex obviously dident care when she left for ap , and sil is just down the road has three young kids so there is always something celebrated ex goes there with her affair partner , not an ideal situation sometimes , my now adult kids are more important , i think its better they have the sane parent around for them , and not rely on a liar and a cheat , who thinks shes the heroine in the story , ps the sil told the ex its possible to love two men at the same time before she left uugh , needless to say we dont talk , great to know other chumps cut and run and love there new life , peace out ,

OHFFS
OHFFS
2 months ago

I didn’t go far. I went just far enough, to an area I’d always wanted to live in, but previously couldn’t because FW didn’t want to have a long commute. It’s beautiful and peaceful here. I am not a city person by nature, so FW and I had come to a compromise and lived in a suburb. I found it depressing because it was like a fishbowl, with the houses close together, nosy, gossipy neighbors and gas lawn mowers belching out fumes and noise from d
early morning until dark on the weekends. That and a lot of loud, out of control kids. I like kids, but I don’t want them outside yelling at seven in the morning and waking me up. Now I have tons of space, both physically and mentally, and more importantly, freedom from noise pollution. Nobody here seems to care if I go outside in my bathrobe, what my yard looks like, or whatever other petty nonsense suburbanites make a fuss over, either. The keeping up with the Joneses bit, with neighbors obsessively competing for the most well manicured lawn and garden and most updated house, is wearisome to me. That isn’t in evidence here. Many of the people here are retirees who value peace and quiet, just like me. So you don’t have to go hundreds of miles away to live FW free and find your happy place.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
2 months ago
Reply to  OHFFS

OHFFS, I like it! I lived in the country for 3 years, and it was very peaceful, and beautiful. I do not like manicured, fussy neighborhoods myself. I like casual. My place now is a part of a city, but very down to earth. It’s just right for me, and I have a huge lot to garden in!

OHFFS
OHFFS
2 months ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

That’s lovely, FreeWoman. Gardening is so therapeutic. There has been research which showed there are soil microorganisms which create this soothing effect, plus help your immune system. Happy fuckwit free gardening!🌷🌹

chumpedchange
chumpedchange
2 months ago

GREAT interview, so upbeat, using the crap as a springboard

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
2 months ago

I would love to pull up the tent stakes but Little Hammer is still in school. In the meantime, I am working on my bucket list and vision board for what I want to do. In my case, it’s best that I have time for the dust to settle and for me to stabilize mentally/emotionally first. People told me not to remodel my house while I was pregnant because decorations on that dose of hormones may inspire regrettable decisions; the same applies to my post DDay state of mind. I am still figuring out who I am and what I want, almost six years out from DDay.

One idea is to move to Scotland and be a substance abuse counselor at Castle Craig rehab….a residential rehab in a castle outside of Edinburgh.

The possibilities are staggering! 😊

I see our podcaster is from close to where I grew up in Mass. Going back to Massachusetts and teaching in a sober high school is another idea on my list. I’ve been in San Francisco since 1975, but I get homesick in the fall. You can’t beat autumn in New England.

Juniper
Juniper
2 months ago

I’ve never lived in New England, but I think about moving there ALL THE TIME.

susie lee
susie lee
2 months ago

It really is so individual.

Though I didn’t have a dependent child, I just knew instinctively that I needed to hang on to my job, it was the only stability I could count on, and fortunately for me it was a pretty secure job.

In my case fw fled the area before I did, he kept his job but moved to an adjoining county. When I moved to another state a few years later, it was to something I wanted, not away from something. When he fled it was to attempt to get away from the shit pile he had created for himself. Unfortunately for him he took him self and his co shit pile with him.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 months ago

Your mileage may very, but I am happy I ignored the well-intentioned advice NOT to make any major decisions while I was getting divorced. These friends said that I shouldn’t move, that I wasn’t ready, that doing anything rash would be a mistake.

I’m so glad I ignored them. No doubt other chumps might do well to heed such advice, but, for me, getting out of dodge immediately was what I needed to do.

I think that those friends who urged me to “go slow” and maintain the status quo couldn’t appreciate that the status quo had been bombed to smithereens. Chumps stand in the rubble of their old lives. So leaving isn’t abandoning a perfectly good life, it’s escaping the rubble and buying new bricks to build a life somewhere else.🧱

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
2 months ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Sometimes we are told not to make big decisions by those who think we might reconcile. I even had a neighbor say “ maybe he’ll straighten out, beg forgiveness and it’ll all workout “…..I believe that was a dream she held for her own parents.

SortOfOverIt
SortOfOverIt
2 months ago
Reply to  Sandyfeet

” maybe he’ll straighten out, beg forgiveness and it’ll all workout “

Which begs the question, so what if they did? Most Chumps come to realize that isn’t what they want. When standing in the wreckage of our lives, I think early on many of us, myself included, wish we could snap our fingers and go back to the time before the FW cheated, and change the course of time. We wish they hadn’t cheated. But there are no time machines, that can’t happen. And for me, and many others, once the cheating happened, trying to get past it is just impossible. I don’t want to give any more of my life to that person who betrayed me so deeply, I don’t want to spend what little life I have left worrying about where he is every second of every day, and from the stories here on CN, it seems pretty damn likely that they WILL do it again. In a week, month or 10 years. No thank you. That’s one of the worst aspects of all of this, once you’ve been betrayed, it’s over, you have to move on and often, there are a lot of shit sandwiches associated with that moving on. Eventually, it gets better. I believe that and see evidence of it here daily.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 months ago
Reply to  Sandyfeet

True. My ex-MIL said, “Just forgive him.”

When I responded, “But he wants to live with the AP,” she had a completely confused look on her face. I guess she came from the generation that accepted that men will “stray” and expected that women would look the other way.

Btw, two weeks later, my ex-MIL would meet with the AP and say that she enjoyed her company.😡

2xchump🚫again
2xchump🚫again
2 months ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

My pastor said OW was a nice lady( since he was doing pre marriage counseling with both my STBXH and her.) That took a ton of nerve. I shot back, well I was nice too!

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 months ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

“Chumps stand in the rubble of their old lives.”. Perfect phrase. 👏

KADawn
KADawn
2 months ago

way to BE MIGHTY!

Stephen
Stephen
2 months ago

Before I met and married my ex-FW I was looking for places to retire. I hated the community where I lived to begin with so after my ex-FW ran away for a few days on her drug bender with her twu-luv ex-boyfriend I went back to my plan A. Of course, not before I tried to reconcile because of my sunk costs that included helping take care of her teenage kids. In the end I moved to another state that is retiree-friendly, retired here, got a part-time job and at age 63 I’m starting over. On my way out of town the drama that was my ex-FW followed me for awhile but I was able to leave it behind. I have no regrets, don’t look back and was actually thinking last week that I don’t care to know or hear from any of the people I left behind from that community. Five months after I left my ex-FW’s first husband (father of her children) tried to call me to talk about the latest fuck-up and I told him I was not interested in hearing because I was trying to forget her and our marriage. I joined Facebook over the summer to check in on a friend that lives in Maui and my ex-FW’s mother tried to friend me. I deleted my facebook account – I never liked Facebook to begin with. I am lucky that I can do what I’ve done and I know it. I can’t imagine having that shit follow me like a bad fart or reading about it in the news or seeing it on TV.

WalkawayWoman
WalkawayWoman
2 months ago

I dumped the Lying Cheating Loser in May 2018. On Christmas Eve 2018 I was the high bidder in an online auction and owner-in-spe of a 1930 brick Tudor Revival cottage in a new town 100 miles away from where I had lived with the LCL.

I closed on what I dubbed The Pretty Little Cottage in January 2019 and began rehabbing and renovating. Name notwithstanding, she was far from pretty when I got her.

In March, after plumbing work, new water heater, and HVAC repair made her livable, I moved in with my feline sidekick Captain Augustus McCrae.

Since then, I’ve refinished floors, built a stock tank pool, two decks and one flagstone patio, converted an attached boiler room turned storage shed into a catio for Gus and my subsequent adopted kitty Miss Jean Louise Finch (aka Scout) and painted EVERYTHING, inside and out. All this almost completely by myself.

My PLC is furnished with thrifted treasures, a sprinkling of Swedish heirlooms, and a whole lot of chump can-do spirit.

I have a (thrifted) metal plaque outside by my front door that reads “there may be no thing greater than a life well loved” and that pretty much sums up my post-FW life.

(And if you want to see The Pretty Little Cottage, she is on insta.)

Juniper
Juniper
2 months ago
Reply to  WalkawayWoman

You have a cat named Augustus McCrae?! For years I’ve wanted two dogs and planned to name them Gus and Woodrow.

Stepbystep
Stepbystep
2 months ago

I stayed in the same town with friends and coworkers I have known for decades. I’m completely no contact with FW and have had only a couple sightings. There were lots of triggers, but a movie can do that as well. I’m able to be fully independent and choose who to keep in my life.

Planning for my final home in a life care community will be enough of an adventure.

Chumpasaurus45
Chumpasaurus45
2 months ago

I guess I can say I walked out of Dodge. It was the perfect storm of transitional life changes.
Our primary house of the last 13 years was going to be changed to move to our retirement home 4 hours away.( that was the view before the final D day).
All three of my kids were graduating college within a 2 year period and were relocating for jobs all over 1500 miles from the primary home, so I had the empty nest transition going down too.
My Wed morn tennis group of the last 15 years was dispersing due to other players retirement moves (I still miss the laughs!)
and FW two months from retiring.
I was the SAHM, very much anticipating retirement with FW and what our next chapter would be together. (Plot twist!!!) 🥴
Didn’t quite go as planned! He jumped ship with the five year mistress.
I didn’t want to stay in the main house that needed lots of work after that, surrounded by neighbors that knew my sad tale, most attempting to stay Switzerland friends, and my kids all scattered around the country. Where was I suppose to be?!
The divorce decree would say neither of us could reside in our planned retirement home, so that option was gone for me too.
He moved in with Schmoopie, so, of course, no consequences for him and an easy replacement flip over. Life continued its grandness for him, just a new toaster.
So I decided it was the best opportunity I would ever get in my life to do a crazy long and ridiculous hike. ( Mexico to Canada, the Pacific Crest Trail) and I went for it. “Go big or go home”, I had no home, so went for the big!
Mind you, I’ve probably spent maybe 5 nights, tops, in any kind of tent in my 63 years of life,lol, and I’m really terrible with directions. But I loved to read about these types of endurance adventures and would daydream about them from time to time and wonder if I could actually do it myself. ( no way FW would ever consider it)
I needed to prove to myself I had it in me, I think that was actually my number one reason for going. I had to find out.
But the challenge scared me to death and also excited me even more than the unknowns fears out there.
I also didn’t want to die and leave my poor kids dealing with their lost his f’in mind father, that was always in the back of my mind. They were extremely supportive of my quest though, I would not have done it then if not, it was their lives slamming into a brick wall too.
I left April 1st, 2018 from Campo, Ca, on the Mexican border. The divorce was final April 11th, less than two weeks later, which I didn’t find out about till maybe the next year. 🤷‍♀️What a fog my head was in then, it’s surprising I saw any mountains at all.
It was the most intense physical and mental challenge I’ve EVER taken on, at a time I had zero physical or mental ability to take it on.
I cried every single night in my tent and my only thought of quitting was the first week, when I was sooo sore I would literally punch my quads in my tent trying to get them out of rock solid knots. ( I would have been embarrassed to quit in 3 days, haha, but really wanted to badly!)
Once I was in shape(I tell ppl you will be in shape in 3 weeks or dead) I never wavered from the goal. Make it to Canada before winter sets in. ( you go 7 miles into Canada)
Got within 200 miles of that goal, but the first bad storm was approaching, which would have snowed us in the treacherous Canadian mountains ( one woman was life flighted out that same week who attempted it) and we decided we weren’t trying to die on this journey, so stopped our quest there in Washington State.
We were so sad, we never spoke for 24 hours to one another ( we had three hikers left, only me and two guys, one excellent hiker I started with in Mexico and Ken, a Japanese man who came into our group a month back, spoke no English, but was also 63 and liked our pace) Two others ( gals) had bowed out earlier in the hike and another couple, a general and his wife did a couple of months with us. ( he was also life flighted out in the desert day ONE and is a marathon runner. Spent a few days delirious in a hospital ( had an unknown UTI and forgot to put electrolytes in his water, he was more embarrassed than almost dead). They came back with us in five days and did great.)
The three of us just sitting around in the hotel in Washington State in a trance, it was crushing to have to give it up!
Did most of the 2600 mile trail though, lost 30 lbs in the process. We averaged 15 miles a day with 35-45 lbs on our backs going up and down mountains, through deserts 110 degrees with no shade at all, lots of detours for wild fires and being around active ones too, bears and rattlesnakes ( saw over three dozen, I’m not a fan) for a very very long and intense 6 months. Good thing I was not right in the head, be hard to do that totally sane!
When I got off the trail, I had no home and no car to return to and all my possessions were in storage. My 38 year marriage was officially over and the love of my life replaced me and retired with his schmoop. Holy crap, that was so much to digest!!
I lived with my baby boy ( 25 at the time) who was in another state, for 4 months in a one bedroom apt, till he needed to relocate for a job to yet another state. I stayed there alone with my soul mate doggie.
Five years later, I am still in that little one bedroom in a city I don’t have any connection to whatsoever. But I’m truly okay.
I’ve proven to myself I have an inner strength within me stronger than I could have ever imagined it was.
I’ve got a long way to go, but me and my pup will get there and I’m in no hurry at all and no one can rush me. I’m enjoying the journey I’m on in a strange sort of way. Not quite healed, but with so much gratitude for any good that shows up in my life and an entirely new view of the world, the good and the bad in it.
Yeah, I walked out of Dodge. I’m very grateful to be free from the abuse I never was able to fully see till I was clear of it.

( “Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”
Mary Oliver

Whether we stay in our established places or we flip it all on its axis and change every angle, we are all changed deeply from our experiences and I 1000%, believe for the better. Even if it’s hard to see that many days, amid all the dominos that tumble from the fallout. We are in a better place!

You all inspire me to keep walking on every single day.

I’ll probably still be reading here on my 90th birthday and still being blown away by the mightiness of some incredibly resilient, genuine giving souls, whose hearts have been forged in titanium and who care deeply about others. It’s so inspiring!
It helps me every single day.
Thanks chump nation, you are all mighty indeed!!! We’ve got this! 🩷😊💪🏼

overMim
overMim
2 months ago
Reply to  Chumpasaurus45

Wow, you are mighty, Chumpasaurus45! Congratulations on such a strenuous and tough accomplishment. My Ex left me and our 3 kids right as I turned 50 and at our 25th anniversary. I couldn’t get out of Dodge due to the kids ages, but now I am planning my escape. Heading 1000 miles away from him and his AP. Our daughter hasn’t talked to Ex in over 3 years; one son uses Ex for money and I’m hopeful that when the youngest goes far away to college (in the state I am moving to) Ex will rarely see him. When he left us, he announced he wasn’t cheating and he “wanted to be alone”. I knew this was a lie and I have removed all the Switzerland friends from my life. They can see Ex and his AP for themselves now, but I don’t care. I met a wonderful man who was chumped by his Ex. When we first met a few years ago, we both talked about how we always wanted to live near the ocean. We met on a Tuesday. We’ll be moving next year. Can’t wait! BTW – I am working on hiking the AT, but only doing a section at a time. You are truly an inspiration.

Chumpasaurus45
Chumpasaurus45
2 months ago
Reply to  overMim

Good for you overMim! I was planning on doing the AT originally too, but got talked into the PCT by one of the friends I hiked it with, because 2018 was a low snow year for it.
I had also heard that he wasn’t cheating, he just wanted to be alone and that was probably never true for the 38 years we were married. They don’t live without the constant validation of their amazing ness.
My kids see him very little ( every couple of years) and my eldest not at all. I have left their relationships with him completely up to them, I try not to interject anything, but I’m fully honest if asked questions.
They understand he is disordered and selfish, and will never be someone that has their backs. It’s another level of difficult for us to see our kids get hurt by him, but we don’t control any of that. We just show up and love them always, that will be huge.
Enjoy the green tunnel hike when you get to that. It will be healing and amazing, as nature continually is for us.

Shadow
Shadow
2 months ago
Reply to  Chumpasaurus45

Wow! I’m gobsmacked at your courage and strength of character! Bloody hell woman, you’re heroic!

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
2 months ago
Reply to  Chumpasaurus45

This is an amazing feat! Glad you stuck it out, it must have been healing for you. WOW

FYI
FYI
2 months ago
Reply to  Chumpasaurus45

wow, this is extremely MIGHTY!!!! 🎉

susie lee
susie lee
2 months ago
Reply to  Chumpasaurus45

Good post.

It took me several years to accept that I was not treated well by my ex for a long time. My brother talked to me about it and gently told me that he could see that ex was never really generous with me, but that I seemed happy so he just kept quiet. And he was right, it wasn’t really that I didn’t see my ex’s selfishness, it is just that I realized after the fact that I accepted it, and focused on the good in him. I had as others have mentioned made my needs and wants small in order to make room for and support his. And he threw it all in my face.

My life blossomed so much more after the heartbreak started to subside.

Chump Changed
Chump Changed
2 months ago
Reply to  Chumpasaurus45

This is awesome!!! Hiking for a long time (many months) has always been a dream of mine. I used to be very athletic, but I’m currently recovering from a long term illness that left me bedridden for many years. This year (since the divorce was finalized in January) my progress has been incredible and I’ve been able to hike up a local mountain every week or so since June. I struggled just to walk to the bathroom or to brush my teeth for years, so for me it is absolutely miraculous to be able to hike 1 hour up a mountain, rest for an hour, and walk for an hour back down. I’m also finding it very therapeutic… I cry a lot while hiking, process a lot, and am often in a lot of pain, but believing in myself and my abilities again (after years of being sick and dependent on my abusive husband) is GOLD. I’m fighting my way back to life again too and it’s scary and so very painful and yet sometimes amazing.

Chumpasaurus45
Chumpasaurus45
2 months ago
Reply to  Chump Changed

That’s amazing Chump changed! Proud of you and how you are pushing through that level of pain. It’s a whole other level of heal to have physical issues going on simultaneously to the mental anguish of it all. I did not have that to deal with and I wonder how far I would have gotten if I did. You are mighty! Keep pushing it. I have another quote laminated on my wall here that reads:
“The good Lord gave you a body that can stand most anything. It’s your mind you have to convince.” (Vince Lombardi) I carry that quote on my hike, I def believe it to be accurate. 😊👍

walkbymyself
walkbymyself
2 months ago

I got way, way outa Dodge. Then Covid hit, so I stayed put.

My FW and I had lived in NYC before we moved to LA for his job. We’d kept his NYC apartment over the 30-some years we were together in California. Fast forward: D-Day was shortly before my daughter graduated college, and I put off making any big decisions until after graduation, but when the divorce started to really drag out, I understood I needed to get physically separated from him, so I flew out to NYC to stay in the apartment. Ultimately, that’s where I stayed, and got a fresh start with new friends — and some old friends.

Special bonus: my adult daughter spent two years living and working in Miami but then decided to move to be near me! I speak with her several times a day, she frequently spends the night at my apartment, and I get to babysit the grandpuppy.

I only slowly started to grasp how manipulative he’d been after I left — it was really the first time I could process what had happened, without his continued gaslighting and lying.

Chump Changed
Chump Changed
2 months ago

I totally want to start over someplace new! But I have to wait. I’m still recovering from a long term neurological injury and staying put is exactly what I need at the moment. I cleaned my ex’s office (hazmat level cleaning, due to his porn addiction and affair happening in there), re-painted, and have been making the space mine again. I live right next door to my best friend (he owns the property, I’m a renter), and I recently made another friend who lives just down the road, so I have an incentive to stay. I was very sick and very isolated for close to 8 years (I had no connections other than my now ex husband, who was constantly angry, gaslighting, and guilt tripping me for being ill, in between acting very loving and caring for me, while cheating — what a mindfuck), so having friends of my own again is worth more to me than anything. But beyond that, I have very little reason to stay here or anywhere. If I was totally healthy, I think at the very least I’d be traveling, if not moving outright to a new and exotic location.

I’m also receiving spousal support from my ex, which is absolutely necessary right now (I can’t totally support myself due to my disability). It’s my goal to figure out how to sustain myself; I absolutely hate getting checks from him in the mail each month and want that to stop as soon as possible. At that point a part of me would really like to cut him off totally; to move and have him have absolutely no idea where I am. That sounds wonderful. I’m still very close with my nieces and sister in law though, so I’m not sure how realistic that is. Time will tell. For now I’m just grateful every day to be recovering.

damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
2 months ago

when my marriage blew up in 2020-21, i had my daughter writing her thesis from her bedroom, and my son away at uni. so, i decided to move things along in as measured way as possible. it’s been a hard 3 years. we’re doing okay, still living together, and figuring it out. one kid is working and the other is looking for a job.

after selling the family home, i rented a side-by-side duplex and we’re happy here. it’s not a permanent home but it a good one for now. i just got myself a little dog and she’s lovely, 4 years old and “retired” from breeding puppies. she’s good therapy for us all.

i’ve returned to my creative work and am taking a screenwriting course out of UCLA. i’m learning new story forms. i feel as if i’ve got my life back, finally. my X intrudes now and again, but i carry on. i feel happy.

i can definitely see how getting out of dodge would be a choice for some. i’m pretty happy with my own choices, too.

thelongrun
thelongrun
2 months ago

I would love to get the hell out of Dodge. My FW XW and her AP, now new life partner (how can they be husband and wife when neither of them has a clue about love or the institution of marriage, based on their shitty actions?) live, according to Google, no more than an EIGHTH OF A MILE behind my house (which used to be OUR downsizing house).

But I don’t make a ton of money anymore, and I have two cats that the FW XW left me w/who have made the house, um, stinky. So, until I get enough money to move to another place AND the cats die naturally AND I find the time necessary to clean up said house, I don’t see myself getting away any time soon. Like maybe in ten years, unless something special happens.😁

The only sliver lining may be that I think I inhibit my FW XW and her partner’s lives by being so close. I could be totally wrong, but there’s more than enough schadenfreude in me to hope that’s true.

I hope anybody else that can get out of Dodge does, like Nancy.

Happy Tuesday, CL and CN! Meh is coming. We know it.😊

thelongrun
thelongrun
2 months ago
Reply to  thelongrun

Silver lining.🤦‍♂️

2xchump🚫again
2xchump🚫again
2 months ago

OK so I didn’t leave town but I changed all the locks while he was at a hotel waiting for me to forgive his porn addiction…. while he acted out on Real woman. I Then put all our wedding memorabilia in shoes boxes under his side of the mattress. All the Marriage Encounter weekend notebooks( x2 different times) I put under his pillow. All the old love letters went into his underware drawers..like that all over the house.
THEN I packed up my few things and moved to an apartment, leaving the house to him and his latest schmoopie. It was left like I was raptured except I took my clothes and a few things I wanted.He had to throw all the wedding stuff and Marriage Encounter books in the dumpster himself. I also left him all the books I BOUGHT AND READ on how to stay with a porn addict ….by fixing me!!
On our anniversary,(32 year’s) which occurred in October during the divorce process, I mailed him the huge notebook with the 50 fun trips we had taken through the years. Pictures, trip reviews, food reviews.
It was fat and heavy. No return address. So I didn’t leave town, though I did move 10 miles away, but I left my signature behind.

Maria
Maria
2 months ago

Stayed for 10 YEARS…finally separated & went No Contact…spent 2 years staying in the home because that was where 2 of my children lived (1 full time; the other part time away at college). Then, without my D being final yet (would take another year of xH trying to punish me), I packed up what fit in my minivan and drove 1,800 miles away to start my life over. My ‘escape’ just fell into place as, with perfect timing, my daughter got accepted into a PhD program in a location I was more than happy to relocate to! I knew no one (except my daughter, of course), but that didn’t matter.
I NEEDED time alone, immersed in nature, to begin the long process of healing. With fierce resolve, I promised myself that I would visit (or them visit me) my 2 sons every 2 months, which I proceeded to do…which was wonderful for the first few years! Then, things got a little tricky because 1 of my sons moved to a different state…so seeing each in person went to about every 2-4 months, which isn’t too bad because we stay close through video chats/texts/phone conversation. The absolute BEST thing I’ve ever done for myself was going NC! The 2nd BEST thing…was moving 1,800 miles away from xH. Once I was ‘done’ with my M and H, I knew I had to leave that house, that neighborhood, that state, that coast… if I was ever going to piece myself back together, regain peace and happiness, and heal my shredded insides. And, it worked! I am mostly healed, amazingly happy, and livin’ the life! Joy and peace have returned in spades.

Hoo Skip and Chump
Hoo Skip and Chump
2 months ago

I left! I knew there was no way I could afford to stay, so I filed for divorce and requested a “move-away” with the kids to be in a new state, closer to family for support, and away from FW and his AP secretary – since we originally moved to the pricey state for FW to go to law school and had invested our home equity into his education.

The financial abuse is real. I have a crappy apartment now, but my kids are happy. FW and AP are thousands of miles away, although the kids visit during school breaks. I switched careers from patient care to industry so I generally have more flexibility and receive more benefits.

I am learning to enjoy my time solo and enjoy my IRL Chump meetups about once a month. We are mighty! Life is peaceful…<3

It gets better Chumps! It’s not fair, it’s not easy – but the peace is worth it all. Thank you CL Tracy for saving my life. It’s sounds dramatic but it’s true.

ChumpDownUnder
ChumpDownUnder
2 months ago

I signed a contract to build my own tiny house 2 months after the divorce came though. Then I bought a 10 acre property back where we owned our farm because my social network was here. Then I took a job in another state and towed my tiny house down there and lived in it. I then towed my house back up north to live in paradise with a great job, great friends and beautiful environment.
I’m now building an equestrian centre for my horses.
All because I can fucking do whatever I want now.
He’s stuck in a ultra conservative town in the middle of nowhere with his next victim. Hahahaha!

AllyChump
AllyChump
2 months ago

As someone striving for meh, let me just say, Nancy you are my hero.

I’m adopting your mantra- FW can eat my sparkle dust!! No more looking back, no more self- recrimination

It’s all about moving forward

StandFast
StandFast
2 months ago

Not out of Dodge, but I did move myself into the tiny attic-level bedroom with twin bed and deep blue walls. Only 4 months out from D-Day and just got FW moved out and still settling things. The tiny room feels like a nurturing cocoon and has a great breeze from north side of the house.

2xchump🚫again
2xchump🚫again
2 months ago
Reply to  StandFast

I moved from a big house to a tiny retirement apartment. . Quiet..restful after intimate abuse of years. Nobody touching me. A little twin bed, giant comforter, Flannel sheets and fluffy pillows. Rolled up in a ball to cocoon. Nothing feels better to heal the internal wounds of abuse. I could have run away but all I needed was peace. That I have found.

Chumpasaurus45
Chumpasaurus45
2 months ago
Reply to  StandFast

“The tiny room feels like a nurturing cocoon and has a great breeze from north side of the house.”
Sounds perfect to me. We don’t need a palatial palace to heal, we just need a place we can go to that feels safe, your “nurturing cocoon.”
When my son moved out of the one bedroom we shared for his work in another state, I had very bare minimal things. I even slept on a tiny cot bed for 8 months, I pulled inward to heal.
The longer I live, the more I realize how little was actually need to be okay. Free of abuse is a great start.

never saw it coming
never saw it coming
2 months ago

It took me several years, but I am now VERY happily living on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Not the island I grew up on but still “home.” My brother and kids have also moved “home” with me and it is amazing to be back in the state where I was born and raised surrounded by those people that I love the most. No more East Coast winters for me!
I frequently marvel at how this would not be the case if FW hadn’t shown his true colors- I would still be tying myself into knots to make him happy with no regard for my own wellbeing. I was slow getting here but the destination is amazing!
Wishing every chump Meh

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 months ago

“I frequently marvel at how this would not be the case if FW hadn’t shown his true colors- I would still be tying myself into knots to make him happy with no regard for my own wellbeing.”

I would be doing the same.

Three years and change since the divorce was finalized, and I now sometimes fantasize about sending FW a thank you note. But how odd! “Thanks for the betrayal and for the years of emotional abuse because, now that you’re not abusing me, I’m happier.”

I would like him to know that I’m thriving, but violating NC is not worth it. I’ve no doubt that any bit of joy would be short lived, and worse, end up hurting me. The boomerang effect. As Mr. CL likes to say, “If it feels good, don’t do it.”

That said, sometimes I compose letters in my head. No harm in that, I think.

Mutliplechump
Mutliplechump
2 months ago

3 years since the final d day. I desperately want to move far away from fw and our so called Switzerland friends, but we have two young kids so it’s just not a reality for me. It doesn’t stop me from dreaming though, and I research different towns and cities to work out where I’ll eventually move to once my kids are grown. Sigh.

sleepyhead
sleepyhead
2 months ago

I left FW #1 and moved halfway across the country to go to veterinary school (a lifelong goal). He always belittled me about my ambitions, I think because he originally wanted to go to medical school but didn’t have the grades (he ended up at law school and is now a sleazy corporate lawyer, which suits him). I didn’t know a soul in my new city, but made friends at my job while I prepared my application. Lo and behold, who should crop up in town the following year but FW – he tried to draw me back in and I have to confess that I did go to one (ONE) of his work events with him. It was excruciating – not only did I have to listen to him and his work pals condescend to me all evening, but I ended up sassing a guy who sneered at my professional aspirations and was lambasted by FW for the next few days because I’d unwittingly mouthed off to one of the senior partners at the firm. Thereafter I was NC. Had a relatively enjoyable time at school and made some lifelong friends. Graduated without ever speaking to him again and had an eventful, productive career.

2xchump🚫again
2xchump🚫again
2 months ago

Just heard podcast of Ms. I left town..whoo ho0000!!!! Way to get a life. These are MIGHTY! Love the Patron benefits and getting these gems early as well.

Big sis
Big sis
2 months ago

Sister Nancy be this Nancy!

Skewers the Hare
Skewers the Hare
2 months ago

I went to China, taught ESL at a university in Beijing, acted in a university theater production, was mentioned (briefly) in the People’s Daily. But first I graduated college (FW left me partway through my Senior year). Did it with high honors and a prizewinning thesis. While running a pretty constant 100° fever. (FW couldn’t handle the autoimmune disease — apparently it was “killing” him. No, jackass, it was trying to kill me. But I showed it who was boss.)

All this was long ago. Eventually I returned to the US, did a bunch of other shit, some of which was pretty cool. Married an amazing dude. Real talk, that long-ago D-Day combined with aforementioned autoimmune disease’s campaign of devastation left we with some legit trauma. But I definitely got the hell out of Dodge, and I definitely gained a life.

DameChump
DameChump
2 months ago

Three months after my life exploded I moved to Asheville, NC, a city of great natural beauty, arts, and culture. Super fun. Since then I’ve lived in 6 different cities In 7 years, including London. The ex was a stick in the mud who didn’t like to travel abroad. There’s a lot to be said for being single!

Irrelevant
Irrelevant
2 months ago

I got the hell out of Dodge. I wish I could say it was an immediate thing, but it wasn’t. Our savings were gone, I’d been reduced from full-time employment to barely being able to work part time from home due to a disability, and I’d also been caring for my 91-year-old mother in our home for several years before the events of dday changed everything. Bolting wasn’t an option. Instead, I entered the long-game for just enough time to figure out how to get me, my mom and our 3 dogs from one side of the country to the other.

FW thought that period was a RIC attempt because that’s the game I was forced to play; both in the home, and in the therapist’s office during our ‘couples therapy’ sessions. I hated the excruciating toll of living that lie, but found that the longer I did it, the better I got at compartmentalizing it all in the name of survival.

It took about a year to cross all the T’s and dot all the I’s, but I did it—with about 4k in a private account, a towed Uhaul, 3 unhappy dogs and a mother who really didn’t understand why we were moving because dementia kept stealing the indignation and full agreement she’d express every time I (re)told the story.

We settled into a cozy country apartment owned by a former family member. And thanks to that, and still having a few friends of the life-long variety in the area, I had the network of support I needed to get us settled and start the long and slow slog towards healing.

Those may have been the hardest few years of my life, but they ended up being THE BEST THING I ever did for myself.

The emotional battle one was thing, and it was excruciating. But the most urgent battle keeping me up at night was the financial one because it was dire.

I had to learn how to build and live on a shoestring with only my mother’s small monthly pension to support us. It wasn’t quite enough to keep the roof over our head, so I had to get creative and did a bunch of bartering and selling in order to cover the rest, and start reducing some of the marital debt FW decided to abandon. I also got us on as many social services as I could find (which helped tons), and slowly over a muti-year period, I gained traction—both financially and emotionally.

What ultimately helped the most was a hair-brained I idea I had to lease a small portion of the land I live on from my landlord so I could open a rustic campground. Long story, but I got the idea from a friend and soon learned how savvy an idea it would turn out to be. I began the legal and logistical leg-work process at the 2.5 year mark and officially opened as a bonified business at the start of my 3rd year. Focusing on this endeavor not only lifted many of the financial burdens, but it also gave me the shove I needed to find the light again on an emotional level.

I’m now in my 6th year of being on my own and earned enough in the first 2 seasons of business to rid myself of all debt and start building a nest egg. It’s a good thing I’ve been so narrowly focused on getting my own finances sorted because the blessing of having my mother with me for so long ended this past May. I have some new healing to do once again, but thanks to the tools I gained along the way, I’m getting through it.

I started out on this journey with so little hope for my future. Being 58 years old when dday hit, I should have been kicking off the retirement plans my husband of 40 years and I made. I worried that there wouldn’t be time left on my calendar to sufficiently bounce back in all the ways that matter most.

Yet, here I am today—thriving in reimagined version of life that’s happy, fulfilling and satisfying to the soul in ways that I never imagined possible. I love who I discovered I could be, and I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to get to know that version of myself if my life hadn’t been upended. I’m still a little way from being thankful that FW put me here, but I do feel grateful for all I am, and all I have. And that’s something worth every speck of the fight I waged to get here.

Grandma Chump
Grandma Chump
2 months ago
Reply to  Irrelevant

bona fide. Good story! Good work, great resourcefulness, great future ahead imo.
I bet you miss your mother very much. Love that you gave her a great end of life too.

Livingmybestlifenow
Livingmybestlifenow
2 months ago

Ok so I just did a get out of dodge move last week. I moved to a new state near the beach where only my sister and her husband live. I have a friend who lives 1.5 hours away. I have two new jobs. BUT 5 days before my move my sister who spends the summers in the state where we both moved ended up in the ICU up there, nearly died and it may be a couple of months before she and her husband come back! So I ended up moving to where I have no social supports, at least at first. I know I will be ok but this turned out to be a very hard experience. I start work in two days and I have never been so glad to go to work in my life!