Going No Contact with Stuff
You went no contact with a FW, now go no contact with their stuff. You don’t need the reminders. A how to.
***
He’s gone but his shit is still here.
ChumpDude once left this comment:
It was 20 years and POOF he’s no more in my life. Just gone. But not gone because all of the memories. The shit he left around that I am still finding. And living in the house we shared for those 20 years. Still watering the plants we planted. Staring at the walls we painted. The furniture. The artwork. And the missing furniture. And missing artwork. And the missing hugs and exchange of smiles. Missing the teamwork and not missing the policing.
Back and forth and back and forth. It’s gotten easier but I don’t think it will ever really resolve.
And I’m thinking, Dude, you need to move. You need new furniture, new artwork, new wall paint, and you sure as hell need to dumpster or donate of every single one of Fuckwit’s things. Do NOT call him and say, “Hey, I found your grandmother’s lace doily collection. Would you like me to send them? I know MeeMaw’s antimacassars meant a lot to you.”
No ChumpDude! No THEY DID NOT mean ANYTHING to him. You know why? Because they’re there in a moldering box with all of his other shit. Shit you, the chump, are supposed to clean up. Or save for him until such a time as it occurs to him that he would like it back. Or maintain it all in a perpetual shrine.
Which of these it is? I DON’T KNOW, CHUMPDUDE! You’re supposed to READ HIS MIND. Did you choose throw it out? WRONG! Did you choose save it for him? WRONG! Fuckwit has rigged the game. You’re always wrong and it’s really touching the way you still pine for him. Kibbles! And having his stuff strewn about your life is a great pretext for still being in touch, so hey, about those antimacassars…
NO NO NO!
Chumps, it is not enough to go no contact with the fuckwits in your life, you need to go no contact with their stuff too. Your choices are:
a.) Get rid of it.
b.) Move away from it.
c.) Quit imbuing it with meaning. It’s just STUFF.
Konmarie his ass, ChumpDude. Does it spark joy? No? TOSS IT OUT.
Tell CN what you did with the Stuff — the furniture, the art work, the paint colors — and how you took your material world back.
Updating posts. OMG get rid of their crap.
So, this is where I am lagging. I am fully no contact with the FW XW (or at least hard grey rock), but for right now (and since D-day), I am voluntarily (sort of) stuck in the house she effectively made me downsize into when I left pharmacy after burning out IN pharmacy.
To make her happy, I downsized with her into a house still in our little New England village (then village, now city) to allow her to maintain her local politician status in said village/city, where, sad to say, she still remains popular and has regained a political seat after losing hers a few years ago.🙄
I have some of her things in the house. Not much, but some (wedding photo album comes to mind, but technically that’s both of ours. She just didn’t want it, so now it’s mine). I burnt her saved wedding dress in the backyard a few years ago. That was cathartic!🤣
The main thing is, I’m in a house I don’t like, that would not have been my first choice to live. I’m also taking care of the two cats she forced on our family (easily forced. Who can say no to two super-cute kittens?) before D-day, but she still left them behind with me to be with her FW AP, her now former boss and new “husband,” who I guess doesn’t care for cats. Scumbag that he is, as well as her.
Because of my limited work options, I don’t make enough money right now to fix up the house and sell it (also, not easy in my area to get tradesmen in to do simple, relatively inexpensive work. They’re so shorthanded in our area, they only take on the more expensive jobs that will pay them better).
I also don’t want to take the cats with me somewhere new. So I’ve chosen to live in this house I don’t care for until the cats die. After which, I’ll clean up the mess they’ve helped create, hopefully fix up the house enough to deem it sellable, then give it over to someone who is willing and able to put more time and energy into it than I am (it’s in a relatively desirable area. It just needs a lot of work).
So, while I agree that you should go no contact with your FW’s stuff, sometimes it’s very hard to. And yes, I know I’ve limited myself. But I don’t want to move with the cats. And my money situation right now is in flux.
[Fedex Express is merging us with Fedex Ground, and I don’t think the pay will be equal. More than likely, it will be less pay for more work. Assuming they still will offer me a job. Also, even if they offer us a new job, there is likely no growth options like there used to be in Fedex Express, so the pay is likely to stay static.]
I am looking for other options work-wise, but so far, nothing great is popping up. And let me tell you, nobody seems to know what to do with a non-functioning pharmacist. Everybody seems to wonder why I just don’t go back into pharmacy.
When I tell them that I burnt out, they just say something about all the money I could be earning. I try to explain that if you hate the job you’re doing, no matter how much money you’re being paid, it’s not enough! This still seems to bounce right off people’s frontal lobes, and they don’t seem to understand. Sigh.
Not to mention, I’m now twelve years out of the game. Even if I wanted to practice retail pharmacy (which I DON’T!), you wouldn’t want me for your pharmacist. I’ve been out of it too long. Too easy for me to fuck up someone’s life with a medication error.
So, for now, and since D-day, I’m dealing with living in a house I don’t like, with pets I never asked for or expected to have, about an eighth to a quarter mile from where the FW XW and her AP, now “husband”, live.
It’s not where I want to be, but I’m making the most of it. I’m out of the house as much as is possible. I’m supporting two of my children as much as possible as one goes through graduate and the other undergraduate school.
Maybe I’m building more character?😂
Just thought I’d say that sometimes, it’s not so easy to get away from the “stuff.” What keeps me going is I KNOW I eventually will.
I would feel guilty like I betrayed HIS trust of holding on to it for him cos I’m the loyal one. Total honesty here, and yes, I know it’s pathetic. I’m 100% no contact so this neurosis totally belongs to me. He cheated and abandoned us, has no morals or ethics but I am still me and I’m completely aware of how stupid I sound.
Maybe you can borrow a tactic from a fellow bleeding heart: every time you feel like you’re going to cave into misdirected pity for a scoundrel, buy some tissue packets or pencils from a homeless child, help an elderly person off the bus or out of a cab, open a door for someone who seems like they had a bad day, tell a precariously insecure teenager (oxymoron) you love their weird hair, pour some love onto someone close to you or donate money or goods to a cause. Works for me, cheerful sap that I am. 🙂
Love this.
Those are excellent ideas and positive neuro-changes to teach my brain a new way to think. Thank you! I never thought of that. I know that narcsociopath doesn’t deserve my care but others DO.
Especially when you think about how many creeps are out there virtue-signalling and playing hero to compensate for the heinous things they do in secret or to facilitate taking power over the innocent, it really behooves genuine bleeding hearts and bonafide saps to get out there and give a taste of the real deal– actually kindness, sincere regard, respect and empathy. It might help inoculate people against the frauds who’ll leave a saccharine aftertaste in comparison. Bonus public service. 😉
I am feeling very strong about finally getting rid of the last of his burdens. Thank you for your support!
First thing I did was chuck our old mattress and replace it. X has a ute so I got him to help me sort that. He went into my bathroom and cried. Gotta say- made me smile. And the new mattress is freakin awesome. And I get to sleep in the middle, either side, diagonal, whatever!
Yes to turfing anything they contaminated !
I did that with a mattress – was able to chuck it right out the window down to the alley. Then I ran downstairs and stuffed it in a dumpster. Buh-bye!
🙂
I have been waiting as I wasn’t sure what would fit into what I was moving into but last weekend I ordered myself a new mattress (old one was 13 years old from Ikea – new one is lovely!) and a new bed! The bed is beautiful, I love it! Just for me – and possibly me dogs/kids!
For me this has also been a really symbolic act. I have continued to sleep in our old bed but was always planning on getting the new one. Moving to the new house feels like the right time.
Ex is (finally) helping a bit in sorting things at our very large property that has sold. Last week he dismantled some old cheap cupboards to put in the skip we had. After we move next week I am planning on asking him to dismantle our old bed and put that in there too. I don’t suppose he’ll cry but I hope it does something to his stone heart. It was the bed our children were conceived in. I could sell it, I suppose, but I feel like that landfill is where it belongs (not very environmentally friendly, I know!).
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39fFJOWee4k&w=854&h=480%5D
Couldn’t resist…
Hahaha still think the ‘bugger’ ad is the best, but thats a good one Kiwichump, all this talk of utes had me immediately thinking of that ad series
Agree with Chumpchops! Awesome ad!!
Best. Ad. Ever.
Yep- like that one but black. We had always owned whatever car we had outright (usually second hand but served our needs)…but this. X came home one afternoon and said “come outside, got something to show you” and there it was. His “I’m a big working tough man status symbol” which he’d gotten on finance. No consultation with me.
Well we all know how these idiots are with money. It’s gone now. After the split he couldn’t afford it- damn he couldn’t afford it when he got it. Using a work vehicle now.
Pretty sure he has the sads about that item being gone.
Love it!
Couldn’t resist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hu8tX2BAD1k
“My Cousin” Vinny clip.
Best tangent ever!! LOL!!! As a sign language interpreter I love words! And no doubt, this will come up soon for me. Every time I learn new word trivia, I end up using it shortly after!!
Excellent! My oldest son is Deaf and I have a huge appreciation for interpreters. Glad to help!
I know what a ute is!!
Aussie chumps, American Chumps – WE ARE CHUMP NATION AND WE ARE MIGHTY.
Too bad you couldnt run over the bastard with a ute – ok, jokes. No real violence here ok. hahaa
Got to love a ute… yep Im Aussie and love my ute. ???
When the ex ran off with the other woman, he packed up everything he wanted while I was at work and just left. I had so many moments. .. one night at 2 in the morning about a month aftee he left, I went into the garage and got the sledge hammer and pulverized any thing that was his.. I cant imagine the noise I was making. I sold the house, bought my own house. Sold every piece of our ‘married’ furniture and bought my own. Threw out every towel and sheet that he had ever used. Burnt any document or photo that was his or he was in. Got rid of our married bed and bought a brand new bed. It took about 18 months to create a cheater free environment but I love my place now and everything in it.
JABT,
Now, that is what I call M I G HT Y!
??????
I had some similar moments with the baseball and cricket bats. It was so cathartic, I only wish I’d got to carve a scarlet A into his $15,000 cello, that he HAD to buy to help out poor music teacher OW although he was just a beginner and never improved beyond a few grit -your-teeth-twinkle twinkle equivalents, probably because he spent his lessons playing with the teacher instead of his instrument. What a red flag that was! He waltzed off to his lovenest (thoughtfully located right across the road from my workplace) and left me to pack, clean and sell the house. He had filled a 2 car garage with numerous items of junk like custom-made golf clubs, one of many shiny toys he never used or discarded quickly (see $15,000 instrument above – he was demoted to viola 🙂 )
Wow, they are SO formulaic aren’t they? The vanity.
Lol Never i agree (Fingers crossed behind back) no violence.
But how convenient….Run over the bastard, back up, pick up, throw in back and merrily drive off to the dump and leave them where they belong….job done….cup of tea anyone? 😉
I’d love a “cuppa”, another Aussie slang…
A ute? I don’t follow.
Ute = Australian for – Utility Truck. You know ummm a passenger vehicle with a front cab to sit in and a tray at the back? Hence chucking the mattress in the back to take to garbage dump (We just say the “Dump” or “TIP” = Rubbish Tip.
Wow we have so many names for the same things in all our different nations but us Aussies tend to be lazy and cut every descriptive word down to a couple of letters 😉 saves time!
In the U.S., we would call such a vehicle a pickup truck. Not sure what our U.K. friends would call it. And I’m sure the Canadians have a colorful word for one too.
I had to look it up. It is like our old El Camino cars of the sixties.
1/4 ton, 1/2 ton, 3/4 ton, 1 ton, 2 ton, 3 ton truck etc. I’m from Saskatchewan, North. Very North ?
In Toronto we call them pickup trucks! 🙂
in Canada it’s a truck.
☝️?
Sounds like an El Camino, Dances With Meh.
In China it’s a Kung Dao
But utes a aren’t exactly the same as American pickup trucks. The bed tends to be more enclosed on a pickup. When Aussies say “tray” they really do mean it’s sort of flatter, like an actual tray.
Many of them look more like those vehicles we had in the 70s in the US…. height and shape of a car, but open like a pick up in the back… like a station wagon with an open back.
Grew up in California, lived most of my adult life (20 years) in Sydney, now back in CA.
It took me so long to get used to the term “ute”. It always sounded annoyingly like a female reproductive organ to me, rather than a truck!
Like an open back (with a sides) two seater pick up vehicle – Aussie slang, someone will correct me I’m sure ?
A ute is Aussie (Australian) for Utility. ?
In South Africa it is called a bakkie (box). In UK, a pick up truck.
In the US, the closest equivalent is pickup truck.
I thought a “ute” was some type of infection HAW HAW HAW HAW….tells you where my head is going…
Me too!! The best I could come up with was Urinary Tract Epidemic.
Same, I thought uti was autocorrected lol- glad I am not alone.
I thought it meant a room in a mens’ shelter or something! ???
Charity it ….. Do not ask them if they want it back, especially if they are in any way disordered or have traits of the disordered. It’s their way of keeping them central and you hooked. Healing starts with no contact (if you’re so lucky to be ghosted, really count your blessings and block them anyway just in case).
I threw out not just her stuff, but also anything she gave me as I didn’t want the reminders.
I was a very kindly Chump and not only boxed up her stuff but Every Single Card that she’d given me for almost 30 years where I was a wonderful husband and an inspiration to her along with all the thoughtful knick nacks.
Since she’s a hoarder I’m sure she still has them around somewhere where her current guy is probably stumbling across them.
Bwa ha ha
I did that too. I gave him back every card we ever exchanged in 30 yrs. Sure he threw them away. I mean, if I meant so little to him, how could some folded cardstock have any meaning?
Mine was weird about stuff too. He finally crowded me right out of our home. I took my clothes and books, a few heirlooms from my parents, keepsakes from my kids, and the family photographs. You couldn’t even tell anything was gone. Was given or bought everything in my new place, and bought a second hand car. I can breathe again. There is nothing of him in my new home and that’s how its staying. The. Best. Way.
Sold all his DVD’s in a garage sale, packed his clothes and put them in the garage to pick up, repainted and redecorated almost every room in the house.
Best thing though…. sold his wedding rings and mine and got LASIK eye surgery.
Now I can see .. right through to his empty soul.
My FW asked for his wedding ring and eternity ring back. I was going to offer to buy them back rather than let him sell them, then I found out they were worth nearly £5k. I’m hoping he’ll forget about them so I can get them melted down and made into two nice, equal rings for my biys.
Fav response ever!
love this
Love it Bow Tie! I had a hoarder-type ex too. I made him keep the house so I could begin a new life with my kids. And I honestly didn’t want to sort his shit. Schmoopie moved in shortly after. Through the years, my ex had a tradition of buying a new Christmas tree ornament whenever he travelled anywhere. He often gave it to me with a mushy love note. Before I left, I hid these treasures all over the house. I’m sure Schmoopie is still finding them…. ? Though I have 3 teenagers and 2 dogs, my new smaller home stays so much more neat and orderly. Go figure!
Wow. Funny. Asshole™ did the same thing with the ornaments and he was a hoarder too. I kicked him out on Christmas Eve. On Dec 26th, I took all the ornaments off the tree, put them in a bag, and stomped all over them.
I did the same thing and boxed up every picture that XH was in and any paperwork that he might need and then mailed this to him so that I could maintain NC. Then I got rid of anything that he gave me (gave to Goodwill) so that there weren’t visual reminders. I still had way too many sad thoughts for a long time – but at least the visual triggers were gone.
Yep, cheaters and hoarding– how many disorders can they have at once–let me count the ways–no wait, not worth it, I’m at Meh. I too “used to be” an amazing spouse–until I wasn’t.
Mine was a neat freak hoarder. This meant that he would never get rid of anything and would bring new stuff into the house from his Mom’s house. Then he would complain that the house was cluttered. This was my fault of course.
I wonder why this is so common! Mine was a hoarder too. He could barely throw things away because he would attach a memory to it. I thought this meant that he was quite sweet and sensitive, and valued the people in his life. This is why I was so stricken when I found out he was having an affair. Makes you ponder. I’m glad to be rid of that clutter though.
Mine was a hoarder because he was (his words) saving everything for his scrap book he was going to put together someday.
More like a museum, in his mind, his junk has value and will possibly someday have a place, like a shrine, for everything to be displayed with an essay to go along with each item.
After all, this is Mr. Integrity, Mr. Charming, Mr. All American nice guy.
Just ask him..
Funny that we assign a positive characteristic. Mine liked nothing more than putting family albums together and cataloguing all the holiday pictures on the computer…how sweet …until it dawned on me he was making sure he had copies of everything for when he left and took computer with him there wouldnt be a fight over the photo books . How adorable….
Yes, mine couldn’t get of his 30 year old race car parts and manuals but a nearly thirty year relationship and marriage tossed to the curb like yesterday’s news. Strange where attachments lie.
Mine was a hoarder too. Never could bear to throw anything out. All his junk was always so smothering, and I freed myself from the clutter and overwhelm. I set him up to choke on the glut of his own making. I took great satisfaction in boxing up his junk and stacking it all in my garage (singing Rihanna’s “to the left, to the left, everything you own in the 100-or-so boxes to the left”). He had to rent a large storage unit (at his expense) to store it all.
If it makes you feel better, I think I got even for you, with my ex.
He didn’t treasure our marriage, In fact, showed little emotion about anything. But photos of his childhood, with his family? Photos of his teenage and college years, partying with his friends? Those, he cherished.
Despite that, they sat in a back room in a box. So when I was going through my stuff one day before moving out, and I found them, I quietly put them all through the shredder and took them down to the park where I threw them out.
I figured since he took away all my ideal images of a past with him, I had every right to take away his ideal images of his past.
I was gone before he would have figured out all his memories were gone. But it was enough to know I’d taken that away from him.
LOLZ. Same here. During divorce and before no contact, he really wanted his high school photo album which I later found out was because he had “reconnected” with a high school gf after he cheated with a cowhoreworker. Mostly I was agreeable and gave him what he asked for but I had a GUT feeling and took great pleasure in cutting each pic to pieces and tossing it all in the trash. What 60+ yr old still treasures his high school picture album? More red flags.He never asked for pics of our family or the grandkids.
I regret not doing this, if only I hadn’t been such a Chump. I was still under the assumption he was going to snap out of it, he was suffering from depression after his father had passed away and was trying to find himself. This was just a bump in the road. I was going to be there for him when he came to his senses and he’d appreciate me afterwards.
This all before I found CN and realized he wasn’t depressed, he was a Cheater having the time of his life at my expense.
Love it! I wish I could have done that…
Or, you could have marked up each photo with the drawing of a penis in his mouth.
And then left them around town or something like that
Just trying to help the creative process
I left the tacky stuff he gave me behind for my replacement part to clean up. And I left the dead ten inch goldfish in a takeout carton in the freezer.
I love this
The goldfish was probably a cheater anyway
Hahahahahaha!
Only thing I had from Rhys was a post-card. It’s buried in the back of a drawer.
I left Yo Yo knickers so didn’t have to anything with her stuff. I took my computer, my tools and my clothes and that was it. She offered me a small bucket of towels and cleaning sprays for my new flat, I told her to stick her “Emergency Bucket” up her arse. Apart from that she offered me not one thing.
Actually I lied, she offered me my old lawnmower 6 months after I left her. Yup I was offered custody of an old worn out lawnmower.
Keep smiling chump nation, don’t let the fuckers get you down!
I don’t need a bucket. Im all done cleaning up after the biggest turd in my life.
The parting gift of the consolation bucket. Priceless.
Given Yo-Yo Knicker’s past, I can think of a good use for those cleaning sprays.
Ain’t enough bleach and steel wool in the world for some things 🙂
I did the same thing Mickey – just walked away because in my eyes everything is contaminated and the mindfuck was just too much. My evidence folder (now deleted) had her pictures and video from every room /the yard /the basement /you name it that got sent to the WOW boyfriend in Kentucky.
No Contact is the path to the truth and the light.
Trust that they suck.
When my ex left , he left everything behind but I couldn’t get rid of it because of the law. I was supposed to hold onto it until he wanted it. So, each night after work and after I’d got the children into bed, as I wasn’t eating or sleeping, I’d spend hours boxing up his stuff and hiding it away in the garage or in wardrobes. I dragged furniture up and downstairs trying to rearrange everything to look different. It took over a year for the house to sell and it became a real millstone. But eventually it did sell and I started again with only my own things in a new house. It really helped, leaving that house and all the awful memories.
So true. When I sold the family home as part of the divorce and moved to my own place it was absolutely the greatest feeling
Even though the house I sold is only one street away I vowed never to look at it again and I haven’t!
Strangely enough, he gave me just about everything but his toothbrush and blood pressure meds. So I had a lot of his crap, and certainly a house full of “our” stuff. He was also providing me with more support that I knew what to do with, so for a few years of our protracted separation, I spent most of it trying to make the marital home into my home. After I pretty much remodeled the entire house AND yards, I realized that I’d always be miserable there. So, I decided to move. And I told him that I felt he should give me all of the equity in our home, to put down on my new home. And he agreed. So, I quickly sold our house and ultimately signed a contract to build a new home. I gave away EVERYTHING. I lived with my mother while the house was being built, so I was able to save a boat load of money. And I bought everything new. Down to dishes and towels. The actual experience of buying all new stuff was exhilarating. I did some of this during the construction months, but there was also a big shopping trip with a U-Haul on the night before my closing. It was a once in a lifetime experience. And I am so proud of myself for leaving that home behind.
I gave my ex half of my 401(k) suspecting that if I did she would move far away.
It worked! Best investment ever.
He desperately wanted to get away from you, and was willing to pay to do it. Mine did as well as well and it still is a huge, stinging question mark in my mind.
The best I did was use his huge collection of Ralph Lauren shirts and Bermuda shorts as a weed barrier under my deck and covered them with mulch.
I also pawned his Tag watch and bought four new tires.
I did throw out all of his messy paperwork, which included sternly worded correspondence from the IRS. Hope that works out for you, you unholy beast.
Small victories.
I love “unholy beast.”
RL shirts/Bermudas/mulch —-> BA HAHAHA!!!! Well done !!
Lol about the repurposing of the shorts and shirts! 🙂
Katie – the image of the Bermuda shorts and Ralph Lauren shirts under the mulch…omg ???
And what a waste of money! I was with a 5 star idiot who acted like paying the power bill was a strange, mythical concept that offended his “free spirit” ways….but he would pay $100 for a simple collared shirt. Over and over.
I recently went to a thrift store, and not an especially nice one, and found Dolce and Gabba, Claiborne and well made, well cut clothes for less than $10, some for $3.
Chump tip: Paying full retail for clothes- save shoes and coat- is a waste of money. Put that money in a 401K or pay off credit card debt.
Went through photograph albums and shredded every photo with him in it . . . over 40 years. Photos with children, grandchildren. Gone. And I was so surprised at how easy it was, deleting him from this shared, recorded history. Didn’t even take that long. Watched TV while I did it. They are MY photo albums. Not anyone’s legacy. Children and grandchildren have their own albums.
I still have the box of cards and love letters for over 20 years with my ex.
It doesn’t hurt or anything to still have them
I keep it more as a reminder of how I have learned to value myself and make better choices with partners
20 years of cards and letters from her telling me she loved me, but when she cheated on me she explained that she had never loved me
So, not sure which is true the cards and letters, or maybe she really never did love me.
Either way fuck her. Lol
Rick, I too had every card and poem professing his love. I finally burned them knowing they no longer meant anything.
When I reread them there were comments about how I saved him from himself. In hindsight it wasn’t guilt rather proof of his false self. And in the end I released him from his agony by filing.
In truth I kept him in check protecting the image he needed to project while leading a double life.
Burning them was a way of saying I know the truth and don’t have to prove it to anyone. I know the truth and that’s all that matters.
I went through Facebook and deleted every photo with him in it (And I store my whole digital life on Facebook). It was SO worth it.
Then I went through my photos directory on my computer, moved every photo with him in it to a directory entitled “asshat”, moved that directory to an external hard disk, and locked it in the safe. That last bit was just in case I did ever want to photoshop him out of an otherwise good photo.
I moved countries back to my home country after we separated, so I did a lot of scanning of photos, because I didn’t have room to being hardcopy back with me. I brought 3 external hard disks back home with me with all important docs, photos, and proof of his infidelities on them. That, and sone clothes/shoes was all i brought. Left everything else behind.
Most of the photos of my 20 years in his country were already digitized, luckily.
The only thing I miss is a photo album traveling through the Provence region of France in the late 90s. Wish I’d gotten my hands on that. Oh well. Casualty of war, I guess.
You could travel there again and get fresh pictures of new, free you.
I went through my boxes of photos and removed every one of them as well, put them in a box and asked my kids what they wanted me to do with the pictures of them and their Dad. That I would store them until they had their own place (they were in college at the time). Without missing a beat or even thinking about it, they both said “throw them out. We will never know what was real, or a lie and He threw us away without a second thought. We don’t want any of them.”
My cheater ex told me that this doesn’t affect the kids in any way, cause his schmoopie told him it wouldn’t. He will never know how wrong he was.
x said nothing in our house meant anything to him. Didn’t want one picture. My kids already have their childhood pictures. I went through the others and either threw them away or cut him out. He never took any pictures. Those are my memories not his.
Nah anything i left behind when iwas forced to sell our house got sent to the dump including sentimental honeymoon presents. They were all meaningless to him . Heartless f
I kept all the pictures… It’s the best evidence I have against his tendency to re-write history. When my kiddo comes with more stories about how daddy had been unhappy for years, we take a trip down memory lane with pictures and videos of us as a family… He looks happy in all of them…
Not my word against his, just visible evidence… Either he was faking/lying to us by appearing happy, or he was lying/faking his unhappiness post-divorce, either way it proves that he is a duplicitous person whose word can’t be trusted, which is why we are divorced.
OMG, Chumpitude, I got that same line. Word. For. Word.
“Unhappy for years.” Must be the cheater’s mating call.
In reality they have been unhappy their whole lives and will continue to be because they are searching for something that doesn’t exist- they want the feeling that a 10 year old gets when he wakes up and sees that longboard he has been coveting under the tree on Christmas morning and they want it to never end.
So yez… since none of his previous g friends lasted much over a year i can only conclude he must have been chasing the infatuation high all these years and is now in the middle of wondering why with the AP vos hes not going to tell her when it goes south… he’ll just move on .
My STBX said he had been unhappy for the past few years. I told him that I had been unhappy for the past 7 years. He looked shocked and confused. Fun to turn around the conversation for once.
For what it’s worth, I think they are “unhappy,” because it must be miserable to live with a giant black hole where your soul should be.
The unhappy for years comment is all part of the justification for immoral conduct! I, too heard this…”I’ve been unhappy for 12 years of the 19 we’ve been married!” It wasn’t until I started researching this whole topic of marital infidelity that I learned that this is what they all say! This and the unmet needs comment are always part of the rationale! Somehow they convince themselves this is a valid reason to screw another woman! All lies. Pal, I have to tell you, you will continue to be unhappy long after I am no longer a factor in your life, because you are taking yourself with you! Good riddance!
With regards to this: “Pal, I have to tell you, you will continue to be unhappy long after I am no longer a factor in your life, because you are taking yourself with you!”
OMG SO TRUE!!!!
Yeah, my ex did this too. Said he was “unhappy the last ten years, but he didn’t know it.” I got the same thing. Tons and tons of pictures of him being happy. And videos too. Either he was faking it (I HIGHLY DOUBT IT!) or he rewrote history in order to justify the narrative he was telling me and everyone else I’m sure!
As I’ve told my ex at least a hundred times post discard, “God has seen it all!” He denies, denies, denies any wrong doing at all. BUT GOD has seen it all and knows everything. The fact that this in itself doesn’t bother my “Christian” ex shows either that he truly isn’t a Christian or he’s a disordered person with no conscience.
Yes! My “christian” ex is a flaming hypocrite. He sparkles like a disco ball, though, so he is loved everywhere he goes – and he absolutely adores to play the martyr. The “I’m a Nice Guy Struggling Single Dad” must send him into paroxyms of self-congralations. At our kids’ school, he refers to me as “my wife” – he doesn’t want the kids to be the subject of gossip. One day at the school, he had just introduced me to someone as “my wife”. A friend came by and drew me aside just a bit, asking me how I was. In my answer, I made sure to mention that we’d been separated for over two years and that the kids seem to be adjusting well to being shuttled back and forth.
congratulations, not “congralations”
How ironic…my soon to be ex said the same thing also…I’ve been unhappy for 7 years oh no ten years. Well asshole…you haven’t seen unhappy yet..wait til your daughter grows up and shuts you out of her life completely. She’s ten now and already knows she is not a priority in his life…so much so that he’s given me sole custody and I’m moving out of state…see ya cheating asshole!
“Well asshole…you haven’t seen unhappy yet.”
🤣 😂 🎯
I have thought often about the photos too. Before I even moved out with the kids, I gave him our wedding album and all the albums he made of all of our vacations, including our honeymoon.
Side story: Our really big family trip we went on, my ex made a really huge photo scrapbook (he’s really good at doing this kind of stuff). We brought it over for his possible narc mom to look at. Now mind you, ex is her only child and our kids are her only blood grandchildren. She didn’t look at them when we were there (I think we were dropping the kids over for a sleepover), so we just left the album behind. The next day when we went to pick-up the kids (close to about 20 hrs later), ex said to his mommy, “What did you think of the photos?” She was all, “Oh. I didn’t look at them.” And even then she didn’t take the initiative to look at them before we left. Ex was a bit crushed and he even told me later that he couldn’t believe she didn’t care one bit about our family vacation. At the time I knew she was jealous or something. Guess what? A year later, exes mom and dad went on a big vacation out for California just like we did! Not the exact same trip of course. And of course we had to look and “oh and aw” and all their photos. God, I don’t miss that family one bit!!!
So now back to my photos. Before I even moved out, I threw away every single photo of our relationship before our marriage. Assbrain was lying and cheating (emotional cheating for sure, but quite possibly physical as he’s capable of anything!) before we got married, so our entire relationship from the beginning was garbage, so those memories are trash to me too.
I ripped in half in front of my exes face a beautiful 8×10 photo of our wedding day. That photo sat out in our house in the living room for 20 years. I said to him as I was ripping it in half, “This is what I think of our sham of a marriage.” RIP! The look on my exes face. lol. He said, “Martha, please stop destroying stuff!” I said to him, “You no longer control me!”
I took ALL of the other photo albums. I have every single one of the photos of our kids from before their birth and on up. I always told my ex that if our house went up in flames, the photos are the only thing (besides the kids and our dog of course) I risk my life trying to save the photos. They are the only thing of value to me.
I have contemplated getting rid of every single that he’s in. My guilty pleasure dream is to set them all on fire or flush them down the toilet. But then I think of my kids and Assbrain is their dad and I’m guessing they’d want me to keep them.
I don’t have hard evidence, but my ex was having some type of affair when I was pregnant with our second child as all the signs were there (this is over 16 years ago). All the photos of him at this time are now tainted to me (we had a beautiful about one year old son at this time). He was having some type of affair and for sure going to Canada over ten times and getting 100% naked lap dances (and probably more!) and I’m at home pregnant with a beautiful little boy. And I cried and cried throughout that entire pregnancy and even after our daughter was born as I just *knew* he was having some type of affair. He still denies it til this day! I cannot even look at my kids photos, because everything is poisoned by Assbrain! So I don’t look at them. They are in the closet. Maybe someday I can look at them and have ‘meh’ feelings about Assbrain being in them. Why did I breed with a fuckwit?!
” Martha, please stop destroying stuff!”
OMG, just WHO is destroying stuff! Who has destroyed “stuff”
I want to send you a big Chump Sister Hug.
I know and understand the pain in caring and carrying a precious child while a cheater is out “destroying” what we thought was, or had been, a happy family.
Xxxxx
Most of the photos are of him with the kids. There are hardly any photos of me in the family. Because I was the one who used to take the photos.
Patsy, THIS. While I did over 90% of the parenting before I got away, Reptile is in most of the photos. I took them. He rarely took any of me with our babies. He acted like taking a picture of me with them was a gigantic pain in his precious ass. As for spending a half hour alone with them – you could hear his eye-roll and reluctant sigh echo for miles. That’s all changed since I got help and left – he has been working like mad on his Super Dad image. The kids are eating it up. This is one what keeps me from getting to Meh.
This^^^
I kept photos of my kids with their dad, too. I even kept some of the two of us together. I may not need them anymore, but the kids might. They are in albums in the basement. Someday if they want them, they can have them. Every photo with him in has been taken down in the house though and replaced with new family photos.
I took all the photos with me in them and left the rest. Didn’t want the Fucktard to have any part of me. Now that he’s six feet under, from time to time I’ll sort through a batch and send the ones with Fucktard in them to his sister to distribute.
My father was big into geneology, and I inherited all his records. As a result, I had a hard time deleting any family history, even removing Hannibal Lecher from our family photos. However, seeing him in pictures has zero impact on me; he was a bit player in our family history (as I did 90% of the parenting).
Memories of family vacations–he has now receded to the background; experiences with the kids now occupy the foreground.
However, I did tape a picture of Francois Arnaud (from the Borgias) over Hannibal in our wedding picture.
Oh my God Tempest, I did just that 2 days ago. My neighbour was in my house and asked me why I still had my wedding photo up when I have been divorced over 5 years. I have to admit I didn’t really notice it but decided she was right. My son gets married next Thursday so when I have their wedding photo I will replace mine with theirs. In the meantime, I googled “cartoon images of an idiot” and stuck one of their images over my ex in my wedding photo.
Lol. I put a rat face over x on photos I couldn’t cut him out of
A rat face! That is perfect! And hilarious.
My sister in law put meatballs for Durts face on the wedding photo of “us” that is at my parents house. It is quite a conversation piece! I laugh every time I see it.
Aww..rats have cute little faces. https://www.pets4homes.co.uk/classifieds/368751-baby-fancy-rats-feltham.html. A better suggestion – the slime eel. I read this article about slime eels in the news today (actually not eels, but hagfish with no real bones or faces) …a crate of them got out on the road. It reminded me of my Ex – slimy, no backbone, pseudo-face.
Oops forgot the link:
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/14/us/slime-eels-oregon.html?_r=0
Wow, that was quite a tangent you just sent me on. You learn something new every day.
I started going through pictures to pull out the ones of STBX. Sadly, he isn’t in most of them. That vacation to Myrtle Beach with his family…didn’t go. Family reunion with his family…not there. Countless weekends to take the kids to see something new…just the three of us. I did at least 90% of the parenting, too. And the photos are a testament to it.
I began noticing over the years any photo including me in it was strangely absent from my inlaws home. I think it was a big hint.
GetMeFree says
July 14, 2017 at 9:42 am
*I started going through pictures to pull out the ones of STBX. Sadly, he isn’t in most of them. That vacation to Myrtle Beach with his family…didn’t go. Family reunion with his family…not there. Countless weekends to take the kids to see something new…just the three of us. I did at least 90% of the parenting, too. And the photos are a testament to it.*
OMG this^^ resonates. While I regret not putting make up on during/after childbirth b/c I look like shit, those are the few photos of exhole I’d like to keep. Otherwise, my 35 years of marriage contains few recent pictures of h with family. Just himself or with his buddy having an adventure! (Yes 35 years, so I was a champ chump with a loyalty disorder).
I now see that my role was to be the touchstone for our marriage, so that he could venture off endlessly accumulating more credentials and looking for the next shiny object. But he became a part time husband and father more than 10+ years ago. So he’s conspicuously absent from a LOT of photos. I was a real chump for not seeing the evidence earlier, but now there is proof so I won’t be gaslighted anymore. Good news – the last decade of photos are not going to need much editing.
I LOVE the idea of deleting him from the past b/c it would be truthful. Turns out, as painful as the truth is, I can handle it more easily than maintaining the illusion that he was there.
“I was a champ chump with a loyalty disorder.”
I think I need to go to your 12 step meetings…:::stands::: hello, my name is Unicornomore and I have a loyalty disorder…was with him 29 years, stayed until his last breath.
Being loyal is not a bad character trait. I happen to think it is a strength. Giving your loyalty to someone who does not deserve it or uses it against you is the problem.
Me too! It certainly freed up a lot of shelf space. No regrets here.
I got rid of the photos, too, BLT. About a year after the divorce. Went through boxes and books of pictures and removed every single one my ex-wife was in. Thousands. Not easy for me because that included about 85 percent of the photos of my kids. Kids in front of Christmas trees, kids on vacations, kids with extended family. However, it left me with hundreds of pictures of my kids, which is enough.
Gave the pictures with my ex in them to my ex. Figured they have my kids in them, so it’s not for me to destroy them. My teenage son told me she left the boxes in the garage, where she knew the roof leaked. The boxes got wet, she let them molder, and she threw them out when she moved a year later. Don’t know if she has two dozen photos of her kids left from when they were small. And don’t care.
But think her indifference to family ruination was pretty well captured there in a symbol. #theruinishers
Most of the photos are of him with his family. There are hardly any photos of me in the family. Because I was the one who used to take the photos.
During the Wreckonciliation, a little over a year before he died, I hired a photog to take some family pictures. She knew our 25 was looming so she asked if she could take one of us and he got all mad and said no and stormed away…it was SUCH an asshole moment (he also told me that I “overstepped my bounds” arranging a family photo – fuck that, it was my family in my house).
After he died, I was glad that the photog was a friend of mine, we talked about that moment …to me it spoke volumes.
I have many oddly shaped photos because of the ones I wanted to keep without his countenance in them 😉
Most of mine went to the trash heap, too, though.
Haha, Amiisfree, I thought I was the only one with oddly-shaped photos! Some look like camel humps. Cheater does not exist in any photos I own. I first stabbed each photo, then sliced it, then cut him out. Very therapeutic. I’ve been divorced and NC for 2 years–life is simply marvelous without a cheater and liar in it. My grown kids can inherit some photos from their grandmother (cheater’s mom). Not my job to keep his image or memory alive
Start up idea-
We scan thousands of photos for people onto a memory stick or hard drive , and then digitally remove the faces of the cheater, so photos of children or pets can be preserved.
Love this idea. Was getting callouses on my fingers from cutting. Not to mention waste of my time.
A dear friend of my Mom took one of my wedding photos which included my late Dad and Grandparents and had my ex photoshopped out of the photo. Now it’s just me, in my beautiful dress surrounded by my beloved family. It looks incredibly natural – most people don’t even notice the lack of a groom. 😀
Beth,
I am sure you treasure that beautiful picture!
That’s exactly what I did with all the photos. Photoshopped his sorry ass right out of every single one. My eldest son and I then burned the originals. Very therapeutic!
Tessie,
You and your son are MIGHTY!
Photoshop him out and then photoshop someone else in…
Oh look there’s me on holidays with Ryan Gosling
Oh Look there’s me at that function with Idris Elba
Oh look there’s me laughing in the sand dunes with a very young Paul Newman
Oh look et etc
I hope this is not hard- because I need to do this!
My stepdad, who my babies and I briefly lived with after Honey walked out and moved to the opposite coast, pulled my family’s photo off the wall one day. I asked him what he was doing with it, and he just smiled. He opened the glass, taped the head of a hound-dog over Honey’s face, and just hung it back up without a word. Priceless.
Katie, it is hard to do. Wait until you are ready.
My cousin got married shortly before X walked out. When my aunt and cousin ordered photos, they had him photoshopped out of the family group photo. Luckily he was standing at the end. Looks like he was never there!
Rose Red,
“He was never there”
This
Love your aunt and cousin!
My parents had a huge family shot taken for their 50th anniversary just before things blew up. They have it blown up and framed on their wall. I hate seeing it but understand that it is the only photo from the last 8 years or so with us all in it.
My grandmother had her own method. She scratched out the offensive face. It was the best “technology” available. Lol
Wonderful!!
Slightly off topic but in the same vein…
I moved. I can’t go completely no contact because of the kid. Because of the kid, I have occasionally gone inside my old house. So I know that the collection of family photos intermixed our honeymoon photos is *still* on the wall over the sofa where I left it four years ago. Not because my ex cares, but because he definitely doesn’t.
Like CL said, don’t pine after these people or hold onto their stuff. Trust that they suck and know that they give less than two shits about any material thing remotely meaningful to you.
“Konmarie his ass, ChumpDude. Does it spark joy? No? TOSS IT OUT.”
I can’t stop laughing, this is so brilliantly true CL!!
I moved too, and took all important things with me… Buying all new furniture for my new place, and making it a new start with a cute room for our kiddo has been very cleansing, not being surrounded by old stuff helped lower my triggers…
I’ve done a lot of work in the 3 years since DDay around reframing how I perceive all my possessions. Jewelry he gave me, gifts from his family don’t trigger me anymore, they are things I like aesthetically and gifts from our kiddo rather than from him. It it triggers you, make new memories about this object so your new life and memories will crowd out the old ones… It’s hard and takes time, but it is so worth it!
I went through several waves of sorting the stuff I took when I moved away from x. Took a couple years, I couldn’t afford to replace everything right away so had to keep some stuff that I needed, but luckily got rid of the worst of it the first year. Ended up sorting out everything that had that stink feel of him. LOVE my new home, love sleeping diagonally in the bed with 1-2 cats and a dog on the floor that migrates around the edges.
If you can’t afford new, look for a swap and trade site!
Yah, I got rid of all of his stuff, and that is really huge for healing. It brought joy into my life. Get rid of his chair, so I don’t see it and think he’s sitting in it. All of his clothes, books, electronics — gone.
What also was powerful — I got rid of all the clothes, shoes, jewelry, lingerie I wore with him. Gone. Out of my house. Out of my spirit.
I’m a new, solid, stable, lady.
Oh yes, I forgot about that – first thing I did after I made him leave was fill up trash bags full of lingerie and anything else sex related and put it in the trash. Now that I’m at glorious Meh, I’m slowly building a new lingerie collection of things that make ME feel beautiful rather than trying to live up to his porn nurtured, airbrushed fantasy of a fuck buddy. I have my wedding rings tucked away in a safe. If I ever have a man in my life who is worthy of my new lingerie collection, I’ll sell those rings and use the money to take us on a romantic vacation.
Yeah, my lingerie and sex stuff were the second stuff to be thrown away. First thing I tossed were the dried up rose petals I had preserved in a decorative glass jar. Those were the first roses he ever gave me. Actually they were first of only two roses he ever gave me in over 20 years! I flushed those petals right down the toilet and just after that I tossed all my lingerie in the garbage. My sister was staying with us at the time (for support) and she said, “I see your threw your lingerie out.” 🙂 That was the day I was “done” with him and would never ever do or say anything again to try to win him back.
Beth, I like your plan with what you are going to do with your ring money!
My new husband took me to Victorias Secret to replace every bra and undies H1 had ever seen me in.
I love this! Right on!
I’m going shopping this weekend for new underthings and night things. 🙂
I think that’s wonderful! I should do the same. I do still have some jewelry he gave me – I sold my wedding ring a few weeks ago. But I need to get rid of the other stuff, too.
speaking of jewelry to sell, how does one do it? I need the cash and literally realized just this past month that a replacement engagement ring exhole bought for me 25 years ago was used. No shit.
Maybe I saw the writing on the inside before this and could not face it?? But I see it now and that’s just…really remarkable…So yeah, do I pay to have it appraised and then sell it? How do you not get ripped off again? (I worry about being ripped off b/c you know, I already have been.)
Brainystorm, I’ve sold all my jewelry from ExHusbandCheater#1. I found a couple jewelry stores that would give me cash. They pay for gold by weight but did give me money for all the stones too. It’s sad how little they pay though. They do give a better value if you want to trade for other jewelry. It’s quite fun to get rid of stuff you’ll never wear for cash or new jewelry you love. Have fun!
And any good jewelry shop will buy your stuff. Don’t bother going to pawn shops.
I sold some good jewelry and only got the gold price for it. Stones, even diamonds, unless it’s Cartier or something special, don’t mean anything.
Yeah. It sucks what I got for my engagement ring and the majority of the price was because it was platinum, not because of the diamond.
Left it behind me…
The day I reached MEH (I’m sure it was a Tuesday) I knew suddenly I wasn’t “going back” to the home I’d shared for 17 years. That whatever I’d left behind–basically, what wouldn’t fit into my car after D-day 2–was lost to me. That the books could be replaced, that furniture and artwork and carpets weren’t worth the emotional pain it would take to achieve them, and were too imbued with that former life and betrayal to bring me pleasure anyway.
Chumps waiting for MEH: it hit me suddenly. I woke up and somehow it was all over–the stress and worry of WHEN and HOW and WHAT. I knew at once I had to let it all go, and how to do it. I pulled on my clothes, and jumped on my trusty bicycle.
Halfway to my destination, my phone rang in my pocket. My sister: “Hey, whatcha up to?”
“I’m going down to throw Fuckwit’s house key into the Susquehanna river” (HIS house key, no longer mine).
I think it’s awesome that she called me at that moment–a little extra affirmation and solidarity!
And that, dear Chumps, is how I reached the state of MEH with all the stuff.
YES!!!!!!!
Five years before ex bailed we had purchased a beautiful piece of land in the Sierra foothills and then built our dream home. I had the plans drawn up, contracted the subs, and oversaw the project. We installed a well, septic, a driveway, and pad. My Dad installed the electrical lines and the kids and I pulled wire (encased it in pipe!) 440 feet up a hill. That house is wired! Our children spent two years of their lives watching it go up and when we moved in we purchased “real furniture.” Before it had been hand me ups, thrift store finds, old family furniture, and inexpensive sale items. When he walked out, he took very little (I personally bagged up all his personal items and placed them in the garage), and I realized we meant very little to him. Why would he want memories, he is empty and without a soul. When the house foreclosed I had a big give away, took many things to the dump, but kept everything that meant anything to me and placed it into storage. I was real and my memories are of my children growing up. I love the dining table because that is where they spent time, doing homework, and my house was full of their childhood friends too. So I value that and know that when I build another house I will have a new home to furnish, and new memories to make, but that old and cherished will have a new life too.
Drew,
Beautiful, hopeful post,
Your strength shines thru!
Xxxx
I have a find memory of throwing my exes phone into the lake
While she was away from me at the moment, the exes AP name appeared on the phone, so I threw it far out to the lake
It was hilarious watching her panic and look for her phone, all the while not knowing that I threw it in the lake
She still doesn’t know that little fact ha ha
Thank you for sharing this. Mighty, brilliant, hilarious. Made my day!
Ha ha ha
Nice. Very nice.
Thanks for sharing with us that delicious moment.
Still chuckling . . .
This reminds me of the asshole’s iPad… the same iPad where I read the texts and emails to/from his “kindred spirit”.
I destroyed it by slamming it onto the tile floor multiple times. Not knowing what to do with it, I packed it in my bag and took it with me to Disney World. The kids never knew about it, and I laughed my ass off as I threw it in the trash at Magic Kingdom while they were walking in front of me.
I still laugh when I think about doing that.
Amy,
“Magic Kingdom”
YOU are MIGHTY!
HAHAHAHA! I love it!!!
Love it, Rick!!!
High five Rick! I love that!
I love that you threw the key into the river! 🙂
Thanks!
““I’m going down to throw Fuckwit’s house key into the Susquehanna river” (HIS house key, no longer mine).”
I LOVE THIS!!!
Aww, thanks! It seemed right.
My jackass ex refused to get his things and they sat in a nice and neat pile in the garage. On the rare occasion he would see his children, he would go through his stuff, but refused to take it. He finally took the six bags of garbage bags when he had OW’s sister’s wedding and I told him his suit was separated into those bags so he needs to take them all. Finally I said enough was enough, paid a dollar for a storage unit for a month, told him I’m canceling the credit card I put it on so he had 30 days to get his things, tried giving him the key and map of the unit, he said he’d call me and would go with me since it was my unit, never called and all his shit got pitched when he didn’t pick it up. Of course that turned into I threw away all his stuff! Silly narcissistic fool. I have now moved and it feels amazing having nothing of his around. I too bought all new furniture.
Wow, you even over-functioned for him with the storage unit, giving him the key and a map! That’s too much. I would have just put it at curb, he knows the pickup schedule, tell him it’s out there if he wants it.
After I left him at the airport (sayonara, shithead!) in the country we were living in and had landed back in my home country, I took all of the clothes he had stored in our wardrobe back home and donated them to a soup kitchen! Most of it was still in new condition – Nike shoes, leather jackets, designer shirts – the whole shabang! Best feeling ever. He’s never even asked for his stuff. I think he assumes I still have it, packed for him to come and collect once he sees fit. Ummm, no! If he wants to see his stuff again, he’ll have to go down town and watch it walking around on the people who are now wearing it. Konmarie indeed! Ahhhhhh, the sheer release. I highly recommend it ??
“sayonara shithead”
Love it!!!
I had a garage sale.
Practically gave it away!
One thing he got me was his giant carved box. The kids and always referred to it as the biggest jewelry box in the world. He was always critical of how I moved it saying because of the carved legs it had to be carried, not pushed. Um… the thing is huge and he would never help me move it.
Well I had a friend smash it into pieces with a sledge hammer and I put all the pieces neatly on top of the stuff inside the asshole’s construction dumpster so he could see it.
Wow that felt good. It felt so good that everything else I had in the house that had memories got destroyed and placed in that construction dumpster too.
Go me!
Oh my! I just lol’d reading about how the giant carved box was smashed to death with a sledge hammer!! I bet that felt good and GO YOU!
I think I shared this story before, but for the newbies…..
Ex and I went to Normandy, France years ago. My ex collected sand from the two D-Day beaches we visited. When we got home, he wanted to find something decorative to put the sand in. When we were in Chicago on vacation, he found a clear glass tubular candle holder at Crate and Barrel. When we got home, he carefully put the sand in the candle holder and made sure the sand was put in it so carefully that the two sands wouldn’t touch each other. He then made two clear plastic things that sealed off the glass on each end. I carefully dusted around that candle holder for about ten years. I once jokingly said to him, “If you ever see the two sands mixed together, you will know I’M REALLY MAD AT YOU.” I was teasing at the time and had no intention of ever doing it!
So, as I was gathering up stuff to pack to move out, I saw his sand-filled candle holder. I picked it up and raised it up and shook the hell out of it! And then I put the mixed sand candle holder back down on his desk. The following day when I went to work, I had my friends laughing so hard as I demonstrated what I did. 🙂
And I won’t tell you what I did to his sand from California that he put in his Ronald Reagan Museum glass. 😉
Omg. My ex had a two colored sand glass thing too. Almost exactly as you described.
I just poured it out, but now I wish I had shaken it up!!!!
Oh Martha,
Now this time you were actually destroying his “stuff” and I LOVE it.
I can just see you mixing his two sands. This is hilarious.
You rock girl!!!
In reading these comments, I find it so interesting that when our cheaters left, so many of them (all?) were happy to leave all indications of their “old life” behind. Seems like every one of them wanted to just walk away and pretend our 20-year marriages didn’t exist. I guess it makes sense that commitment meant nothing to them so why should tradition or memories or sentimentality.
I piled his things by the door each week and he took them with him when he’s come to pick up the kids. What he did with them after that, I have no idea. Probably took it all to the dump himself.
My STBX is only 5 weeks removed from Dday. The weekend he left, he basically packed a weekend bag. The Monday after, when I’d sent a list of next steps across telling him how this was going to play out, he came to get more things but basically just took clothes as far as I can see.
At the time, he was in a temporary airbnb so I thought it made sense. Now he’s moved in with OW to her new apartment but has yet to come back. He doesn’t even have his bicycle, which I would have thought would come in handy (he used it to get everywhere previously).
I don’t know if he’s just not had any plan in all of this or if he prefers to just draw a line under his old life and not be reminded. Who knows? Can’t untangle that skein of fucked up.
Yes…”stuff” is like an anchor. It keeps you in his story. It is like lugging bags of sand around your neck.
You know how in the hippie culture they would say, Travel Light, Man. I understand what they mean now. Spiritually and Materially. Stuff is heavy. It weighs you down. Blocks your joy.
If this son of a bitch has already moved in with the OW – you put his stuff in generic trash bags (no Hefty for him) and tell him in a phone call- your things will be outside on this day at this time. Once they hit the curb, they are no longer my problem. Then, put this in writing in a clean version, (all business, no drama) and send it certified mail. So he can’t say you took his things.
Then change your phone number. Just do it! I let “stuff” mess me up and keep me trapped. It is all dust in the end.
Have a garage sale of his stuff and just forget about it. He doesn’t want any of it.
Sometimes I think this is one of the sticking points which helps the most. It’s a bit hard to take his leaving personally if he was so willing to leave EVERYthing behind. (Let’s face it: what did that root beer bottle collection ever do to him to deserve being left behind?)
Much the same here, my ex said he would always cherish the honeymoon phase of our relationship and would keep digi pix from that time. So the remaining 10 years, and two kids, meant nothing to him.
Well not entirely true, mine left everything except the big “Fuck me telly” and his precious Xbox (that I bought him) he never took one photo…… see these people have their priorities straight
Haha! Mine too! He told the couch, bigger tv and asked for the sound system too. I told him to take since I don’t care about that. Left his other boy toys he no longer wanted. Still working on getting him to take his stuff.
The first time he left for schmoopie 1.0, he took a bunch of stuff with him when he moved out. Then I would find him at the house with his sister and mother packing boxes from the kitchen, china cabinet, kids’ rooms, etc… It infuriated me! During our the separation and divorce distrubution discussions, he was asking for more stuff. The longer it drew on, the more he wanted. Now I’m guessing the dream of ho-ville wasn’t working out. We had only lived in that new house for a year. It was our dream home. It was a family neighborhood and my 4 and 2 y.o. kids loved going outside and playing. I felt like a fraud in that house after he left. Neighbors pitied me and would come by to mow the yard, bring me flowers or a meal. It was devastating.
The kids and I moved into a much smaller house and I worked hard to make it our home. When I took him back, he put alot of work into the house too remodeling it. We finished the basement, remodeled the kitchen, remodeled 2 bathrooms, landscaping–you name it.
Fast forward 12 years and he leaves again for twu wuv schmoopie 2.0. I knew how it would go down. He’s a sprinter in life. He would take off as fast as he could and I had to strike quick. I didn’t want him going through everything in the house so I ‘helped’ him pack his stuff and he thanked me!!
I had my attorney put an end date in our separation agreement for taking the items we agreed to. I changed the locks. After the time was up and he and schmoopie 2.0 weren’t riding off into the sunset in dream fashion, he started texting for stuff. First it was a few beer mugs from the freezer and I sent them. Then some fold out chairs and casserole dishes. I realized he was going to drive me nuts and I called my attorney. She shut that shit down!!
I think he and schmoopie 2.0 may have completely imploded as now he wants stuff again. We have been divorced since September 2016 so I just ignore those requests and don’t respond 🙂
I think at some point I won’t want this stuff but most is what I have picked out and I love. I have added a porch onto the back of my house and have had fun decorating it. I have teenagers so I didn’t want to disrupt their life for now.
First, I gave all his clothes to the OW. (Post Dday and 3 months of “working on the marriage”, pre-him moving into his parent’s house WITH OW and divorce.)
Then I boxed all his shit (while he cried in a bedroom and OW got sick in my bathroom). OW slowly packed it all away, over two weeks time, to his parents house or storage facility or something.
7 months later, the divorce is finalised.
He and OW have moved 5 blocks down the road from me. I hear from his nephew that I have “stolen” his video game collection. I locate a CD tower in my living room I had missed going through with some PS2 games on it. Put them in a bag, dropped them off on his porch with a note saying “It’s not stealing if you never picked them up before you signed the decree, dickhead. Pardon me for missing them when I had to go through the house by myself and pack all your shit for you.”
The next year (13 months later!!!) the OW contacts me asking for the Halloween decorations that were still at my house. (I had moved out of state at the time and my brother was renting the house) Arranged it between them when to trade off the box of stuff. My brother had cleaned everything in the house and had found a 24×36 inch framed wedding photo of me and the ex in the attic. Made sure it was prominently displayed sticking out of a trash can when OW picked up the Halloween stuff. According to him, her shocked face and comments “…but he said they didn’t even have a wedding… he said he was miserable but he looks so relaxed and happy in the photo… wtf…” Said he laughed so hard.
???
FB you went above and beyond with your efforts! What losers both of them. Can you imagine screwing a married man then moving into his parents basement?!?! I guess they have to peddle the misery narrative to stupid OW’s in order to get the kibble lay. Sounds like they needed a little triangulation to hotten it up so what better than some halloween decorations? I bet she went back and did some pick me tap dancing after seeing the wedding photo!!
That was great about the wedding photo and Halloween decs. I don’t think I have heard of one single cheater/schmoopie marriage or relationship that sounds even vaguely, remotely normal. I see why 99% (or 97%, or whatever dismal statistic it is) FAIL.
not sure where I got the parents basement! TGIF–I may be on brain overload!!
Stbxh was working a traveling job so he basically lived in hotels. That was great for gathering multiple supply victims. :/ Anyway, I packed up all of his crap and dropped it off at his mother’s house. Ironically, he lost that good job and now he and his newest affair partner live in his childhood bedroom with his parents.
Holy Cow…and the OW actually finds this acceptable??? Karma.
Over the years I had become the repository for things belonging to many other people. Parents, siblings, in-laws. In the purge it all went. And once you start purging, you look at your own possessions and discover things you’ve been dragging around for years like an anchor..
His fuckery was the release of so many anchors. It ultimately was a blessing. I’ve been apart from him four years and actually divorced a little over one. We were married together 18 1/2 years.
What was a devastating time has turned out to be a liberating gift.
By the way his life is in the trashcan because Karma is a bitch
My situation seems different than most in that my husband of 18 years left for his affair,and took our 16 year old son with him. He had groomed the son to want to go by teaming up together whenever I placed requirements on our son such as academic pressure when he missed assignments or had low performance at school. Our son has ADD and has made good improvements with organization and focus surrounding school, but still needs some pushing. He attends a rigorous private school and don’t most 16 year old boys require pushing? At any rate it’s easy living with dad, do what you want, grades went down a few F’s from a kid who never even had a C- My son is being alienated from me by his dad and dads adult children. I hardly see him because he’s so angry at me! I try and try to see him and it’s become pathetic, like I’m wooing him. AP is not living with dad yet but likely because he’s afraid that will hurt him in the divorce. Temp hearing today. So I don’t see how I will ever get to meh because of the loss, at least for the time being, of my son. Just another layer of betrayal. Also just found out he’s aware of the affair but to what extent he’s exposed to OW I’ve no clue. D day for me was Feb 23 this year though husband left in dec because he was so unhappy for so many years….ummm why did we just spend the last 3 years designing and building or dream home together which we moved into a year ago???
Paula,
I am so sorry for all your pain.
Tempest and others will give you valuable advice.
Here, in CN, each Chump feels your pain, especially when
a precious child is involved.
One day your son will realize that you have been the sane, loving parent.
He will return to you.
Please come to CN as often as you can, while you travel this difficult road.
We care Paula, we love you and we have your back!
Xxxx
Okay, Paula, I knew there was an angle of advantage in this for you, I just had to think about it. I washed the dishes, and now I’ve come up with somethin’ for ya:
Mr. Dad is using this to torture you. The more you are distressed, the happier asshole is.
He is also using it to get a divorce advantage. But he doesn’t give a damn about your son. Remember what you know about the disordered.
Once the divorce is settled, your son may be living there, but Mr. Dad may do very little for him..
Here’s what you do: get back to where you were when son was with you, in terms of Mom-calm. Really try not to woo him (I know you know this). Try with all our might to be settled. This will come in so handy later. You will really, really want to be the sane parent. Custody-wise, settlement-wise, and financially, being calm and stable will be a huge benefit to you.
Next, when the custody part is being written, try to get the writing to indicate the terms will hold for whichever parent has custody. The whole point is to make your settlement and your custody with the idea that son will be soon back with you (he’s just a pawn to Mr. Dad) and that you will want the agreement to benefit you.
The last thing is to think how you will help son get over this trauma his dad has put him through. Take care of yourself Paula: get your doctor’s office visits, eat nutritious food, exercise, say your prayers, get good and enough sleep, at a minimum.
Paula, my heart goes out to you, dear lady.
The only thing I can say is that I will pray for you.
Paula, I feel so bad for you. But as other chumps have advised here, keep the door open, be patient. It is not easy for a teen, a young man at that, to admit his dad is a dishonest ass. My own experience with my grown sons. But now that all the shit has hit the fan they see where it comes from. They do figure it out, we did have a good influence on them.
I’m so sorry, Paula. I can’t even imagine the hurt you are going through. 🙁
I’m sorry Paula. I deal with some parental alienation tactics as well. Fortunately my kids see me as the sane home base. I do know how he operates, and I see my youngest child has been a little bit brainwashed into believing his false narrative. I continue to demonstrate through actions and consistency his narrative is false.
Things he’s told our children
Your mom wanted to abort you and I wouldn’t let her.
I was never home when you were little because I was busy trying to destract myself from your moms bad parenting.
You know your mom was such a bad mother and made oldest daughter raise other two children.
Your mom was a bad teenager and did x,y,z … that’s why she isn’t a good parent.
Basically he feigns concern for there well being and then sneaks in some untrue narrative about me, followed up with some idea that he just wants the best for them (and me… yeah right), but it’s all of them TOGETHER who are the victims of me. I think it’s what’s known as an insult sandwich (or in our case, a shit sandwich)
I hope you document everything! I know it’s hard and you probably have moments that it seems impossible, but you are mighty! Keep your head up.
Holy shit, Got a Brain! Document the hell out of all of that. And deny and tell the truth about your parenting! Don’t let that narrative stand!
Paula–I’m so sorry; losing the affection of your son after such a huge blow must be devastating. For the time being, it might be wise not to see your son often, but just drop him notes/texts that you are thinking of him, hope he’s doing well, etc. Son is under Dad’s spell, and any sign of emotion from you will be interpreted negatively.
Sadly, your son might not come around until he damages his future with bad grades. Sometimes failure is the best learning experience. Hugs!
Tempest,
It truly is the ultimate betrayal to my heart. I was the one raising this boy of mine while his dad worked 10-12 hour days. I took him everywhere, all appointments, volunteered in his class until high school, directed a play he was in, costume the high school ones he does. I have been intricately woven into the fabric of his life from day 1 and now he too discards me to the trash heap. It’s destroying me quite frankly. I’m in counseling, but the pain is unremitting…
The same thing happened to me with my oldest, my daughter, and I didn’t realize what was happening until it was too late. (I kept fighting and fighting, thinking it was mother-daughter stuff, exacerbated by divorce.). Her contempt towards me increased until she moved out April 2016 (at 17) and I found the email stash afterwards – he was coaching her all along.
After reading research after research, I realize her behavior indicates she is completely enmeshed with her father (it starts slowly, then progresses) and because she’s over 18 now, just turned this year, I can do nothing legally. She also has given up on many dreams while fulfilling the role of dad’s caretaker/confidant/loyalist. This is the heartbreaking part.
For now, i refuse to give up on her as I see her as a victim, she’s 18 and easily manipulated and send her a text nearly dayly (she rarely responds) and drop by her work from time to time to give her small gifts that only come from mothers (hair ties, cool chap sticks, gloss, books). She takes them and smiles awkwardly.
Read Divorce Poison. It’s an eye opener and showed me what happened to my kid and how to best combat it.
As for my two kids remaining at home, I’ve found my badass and protect them like a mama bear. He has tried similar tactics which I now respond to with legally. if tries any shit like loose teenage rules or undermines my authority, ect. I request a hearing in front of a judge to discuss “the best interest of the child”. I’ve only had to do it once but now he knows, as well as my kids, I don’t mess around. Honestly, you cannot reason with these sorts and they only stop when the consequences (like sitting in front of a judge, or paying my legal bill for being an asshole and wasting time) become too high.
My life is now calmer. My two boys respect me more and I hope my daughter comes around eventually. I regret not protecting her enough in my former chump role. I honestly was a pushover.
In the meanwhile, don’t give up on your son. Keep loving him, even from afar.
This is so hard. Hugs to you!
I know, Paula, it is the ultimate blow. There’s no excuse for your son’s behavior, though I do think the same-sex children of the cheater have the hardest time. The person supposed to be their role model has turned out to be a colossal ass. Time is your friend, but that won’t abate the heartache in the meantime.
(There is another chump in your same position; if you post in the forums under Private:General, I can alert her to your post. Sometimes it helps to know you’re not alone in your heartache.)
This.
My CheaterX both hated and worshipped his cheating father.
I echo the advice of others. Limit your contact, as heartbreaking as that will be. It’s early days for your son. He’s with Disney Dad now, and everything is Just Swell. Just drop him a line on his birthday, any holidays you used to share, etc. Keep the message light. Let him know you’re doing well (even if you don’t always feel as if you are), and tell him that you love him and think of him often. Don’t go farther than that. Just keep the door open.
Eventually he’ll see his father for what he is, though this can take a very long time. When he finally starts making overtures, take it slow and easy. His dad will probably have hindered your son’s ability to trust anyone, but if you take things one step at a time, you can forge a new trust relationship with your son.
Big hugs to you on having to deal with this betrayal on top of your cheater’s betrayal!
Paula, your situation is just so impossibly hard. I am so sorry for you. I hope you have or will consider finding a therapist to help you think about how to move forward with your son. It is normal for a teenager to gravitate toward the parent with fewer boundaries, but it is also typical for the teenager to gravitate back in a couple of years when he realizes what a jerk his father is. But you’ll both be in different places then, and being shut out of these last years of his childhood is beyond cruel.
A therapist can help you be the parent you want to be now–no wooing your son, just kindness, patience, and consistency–even at a distance. But it will remain so very difficult, and you deserve so much more.
Paula, so sorry about son but please don’t give up. I am no expert but I think what you are experiencing is normal for the teenage years. My so was 16 when cheater left a year ago and he seems to be the one who is the most caught in the middle. He is also a middle child. He has a lot of friends with divorced parents and though I don’t know details of all their parents divorces, it seems to be common that they really want their dads’ approval. One person said something I often think about: this is the time that they are turning into me, preparing to separate from the family and now the dad has taken that away and separated from them. It is backwards and really screws with the normal course. So he may be trying to get that back. Who knows, keep trying to teach him what is really right and love him unconditionally because if you give up, you will lose him. If it seems like you are wooing him, it is ok, he may not show it but he will know that you care.
Hugs and good luck.
Paula, your son will come around. Good luck with the temp hearing.
Donation bin. Although, I never did figure out what to do with the gifts he gave me (jewelry etc)
Sell it and buy new stuff. That is what I am doing.
I sold the jewelry Porky Pig gave me and used the money to pay for a wonderful spa vacation for my daughter and me!
Sold the Samsung tablet he gave me for Christmas and got the iPad that I had wanted!
Hahaha! My kids rib my stbx all the time for his love of the droid! We all have iPhones. Now I am glad because communication with him is that much harder!
“Stuff” was always very important to KK, and very inconsequential to me. During the “Summer of Sham” as we waited for the GAL to complete her report for the court, she methodically started setting aside the things she wanted to take with her and formalizing in a list to her lawyer the bigger “stuff” (furniture, etc.) she was claiming for herself. I objected to nothing — stuff is just stuff, anything she wanted would never be missed or very easily replaced.
It was only after she was finally moved out and I began inventorying what was left behind that I discovered she somehow didn’t think it necessary to take her recently renewed passport or the title to her car. Suffice to say they’re no longer here for her to retrieve.
The only thing of “hers” is the piano from her mother’s house, which she’d hoped our daughters would take up. I’ve contacted a few musical instrument donation organizations, but no luck yet. So I’m open to suggestions if anyone in CN had any.
When I moved to my much smaller house I had to give up my piano. It was mine, not my ex’s so no victory there, just a necessity due to space. I put a message on Facebook that I was looking for a new home for my piano and one of my old highschool friends wanted it for his daughter in law. He and his son and son-in-law came and got it. They sent me pictures of DIL enjoying it which was a wonderful feeling for me, knowing it went to someone who would cherish it. I don’t know if you’re on Facebook or other social media UX, but it’s worth a try.
You can get a keyboard that folds under the bed. I have a pretty basic board that has great grand piano sound. The keys are a bit to get used to but its something.
Good ideas about the piano. It’s in what used to be his “mancave” which is now empty except for that damn piano. Those are a bitch to move if I ever decide to sell MY house. There have been times I wanted to take a sledge hammer to it which would be so satisfying but logic always gets the best of me.
A local middle school or high school might like the piano for their music program
Classified or freecycle … free piano to anyone willing to haul it away. Gets it out of your house and it gives some kid who actually wants to play a wonderful opportunity.
Ive been quite lucky he left and took everything (mainly just his clothes and dvd collection) but his passport and drivers licence.
I have since given these back to him, he looked surprised!
He was never into home decoration so the house is as i wanted it anyway had only been redecorated a few months before he left, and even with 13 years in that house of memories i try to see it as a secure environment for my little girl as she doesn’t need any more disruption.
i am looking at a new sofa though as that the one thing that bugs me that the corner was ‘his seat’ hopefully get a new one soon!
I sent him all the pictures that have him on he can do with them as he pleases 🙂
XH left our home with just the clothes on his back, his blood pressure meds and my car. Since he moved in immediately with Schmoopie, he didn’t need any household stuff. I crammed all his clothing and toiletries into black plastic garbage bags and tossed them into the landfill. I just couldn’t bring myself to donate his “stuff” to Goodwill because it was tainted with his stink and wasn’t fit for anybody. Best left to rot at the dump!
Some things he left I am saving for my son…not for sentiment but because they have quite a bit of monetary value (guns, antique fishing lures, coin collections). It is so easy for these fuckwits to walk away from everything because they have no true bonds. During our divorce hearing, his own attorney asked him if he wanted any baby/childhood photos of our son or any other memorabilia. The answer was no.
Wow. He actually said NO in open court??? Guess he left his mask at home that day.
My cheater ex didn’t take a single picture either or ask for any of them since Dday in August 2014. I did sneak one in though of just the two of them when I put all his clothes and other stuff I didn’t want to see again in boxes. I wanted to have at least ONE reminder of the life he walked away from, his son’s.
My ex didn’t take a single photo with him, or any of the keepsakes the kids had made for him over the years.
Cold bastard.
The first month after Dday I was in such a fog that i actually took a pillow and made it look like Porky Pig was still sleeping on his side of the bed. I know how pathetic that is but that’s just how hurt and shocked I was at the time. When reality sunk in, I rearranged the bedroom, and moved the damn king size bed to a different wall… all by myself. I actually like the feng shui better now, plus I get to “starfish” at night!
But, the most liberating thing for me was moving his mother’s china cabinet into the garage.
When Porky Pig’s mother died, her home was sold “as is” to a developer who was going to knock it down and build a McMansion on the lot. I suggested to PP that he drive up there and see if there was anything he wanted to save…like her jewelry, photo albums, whatever. He balked. This was really odd to me [missed red flag] until Chump Lady explained that these people have no attachment or emotional connection to people, places, or things.
Long story short, we ended up with her china cabinet.
At the risk of offending my fellow chumps I must tell you that this china cabinet is the tackiest piece of New Jersey Italiana I have ever seen. And, it weighs about 5 tons. I couldn’t believe that out of all his mother’s stuff, this was the one piece of furniture PP wanted. It is 100% dreadful but it has been in our family room ever since.
Last weekend, I took that tacky piece of shit apart and my daughter helped me move it into the garage. I felt like the [PP] badge of servitude had just been lifted from my life.
He was stunned when I told him to come pick it up. And that was the best part of all!
The know attachment sure is a red flag for my in laws! There is no attachment to people or stuff. When their house burned, they were not interested in salvaging anything. They bull dozed it all. When they sold their home later, they gave away everything to whoever took it first and without giving anyone a second chance, they throughout or took to goodwill all sorts of decor that was in brand new condaition. Then they purchased everything new for their new condo. Cheater took furniture from them which was in fabulous condition to his new place but within 4 months he had given it all away and bought brand new stuff. Apples don’t roll.
No offense taken. I grew up in NJ, and I know those (5-ton, crammed full of shiny sparkly crap) china cabinets!
My ex left 17 months ago and took almost nothing with him. I packed his clothes solely because I wanted his drawer space. ? He’s a hoarder so I’ve been tripping over his shit and throwing things out as I go. Apparently he and the OW bought all new stuff for their place. I can’t wait to move out and buy all new for mine. Ive been packing up what’s mine and shoving his stuff into empty cabinets for him to deal with when the house sells.
I’ve kept the mattress though because it was expensive and works well for my back. I disinfected his side and now the dogs enjoy having more room to spread out at night. They don’t miss him either.
It’s important not to attach meaning to things that are only things or hold on to things that have negative memories attached. Call the dumpster people and toss anything out that brings you pain.
” I disinfected his side and now the dogs enjoy having more room to spread out at night. They don’t miss him either.” LOL. 🙂
My 2 dachsies have taken up permanent residence in my bed too! They are the best hot water bottles ever (it is cold here at the moment!) although one of them does snore and they both have a tendency to invade my side of the bed! Still very preferable to the Sprout (who was almost as hairy as the dogs anyway)
Oddly while not attaching in some ways, mine was a hoarder in other ways- things like tools and all the crap related to his hobbies. As he was planning his exit and I was clueless, he began taking truckloads of tools to his business. I mistook this as consideration and turning over a new leaf. Wrong- it was him taking anything of value to him. He still has truckloads of crap in the basement and occasionally tells the lawyer that me not letting him in the house is causing him to have to spend marital money. It is total bullshit. He took everything of value to him. I have gotten rid of some junk but lawyer says not to get rid of most of it until after the divorce. I am also torn because I want him to have the pain of removing and disposing of it but I would also just like to be freed mentally of his stuff. It is about control.
Amen to that BlueKitty. People have meaning..not things. If things bother you? Get rid of it!
After many, many months of asking the exh to pick up his stuff that was in the garage, I ended up having a yard sale! Hey, I warned him!
He traveled quite bit and had tons of crap. He was a also a newspaper reporter back in the day when we first married and had pictures with famous people and elite athletes, from the US and our home country. Those sold like pancakes!!!! My daughters were ever so helpful in this venture and even told our customers of why we were selling a lot of men items. My youngest, maybe 7 or 8 at the time, told them mom kicked dad out because he was not respectful to the family and we were donating the money to a charitable cause. Believe me, everyone understood the “not respectful to the family part” – no need to say more. They gladly paid more money for the totems than what I was originally asking for.
At the time, CL had posted a link to donate to a cause on her website, so we used funds to help out there, donated to CL and I then we went out for ice cream!
It was the best feeling ever – for many, many reasons!
You rock! CN, the money went to orphans in South Sudan.
Sooo much more deserving than your fuckwit ex. Love the “respectful” line!
TodoVa–that story is a win on so many levels!!! “Not respectful to the family” indeed.
Fortunately my relationship with the sociopath was short lived and the fucker just suddenly disappeared without a word of explanation. I realized later that I was just a transitional target; a short term amusement to feed his ego while he groomed his next long term victim and I was starting to catch on to his bullshit. I’d sent texts, emails, and never heard a word back. I didn’t have anything of his other than a few gifts he’d given me which I took to Deseret Industries donation bin post haste. He did however, have things of mine. The exhole had been stupid enough to give me his login to USAJobs so that I could fix his resume (his writing is atrocious). I told him that I’d taken the liberty to make a few changes to his USAJobs resume (not really, but he probably spent forever trying to figure out what I did) and that if he didn’t give me my shit back he wouldn’t want to find out what I would do next (which was nothing, but he didn’t need to know that). Even though I had heard nary a peep from him, my stuff magically showed back up in the mail. I didn’t get all my stuff back, but I got most of it and that was good enough.
LOL
KangaJen that is HILARIOUS, so clever!!
Love it!
EXCELLENT TACTIC – I would have never thought of that.
This is why I love CL and CN. We learn from each other on so many levels!
Mine basically took his personal belongings only, such as clothing, etc. I did find it curious he wanted the TV from the bedroom. It was so old (and this was 8 years ago) it needed one of those digital converter boxes, which you could no longer find. He probably wondered why I gladly gave it to him.
He has left a pair of boots I had made for him, not cheap. One day I was pissed at him because he yelled at me in front of the kids and I went home, took those boots to the fire pit and set them on fire! Do you know how hard it is to get leather to burn?
I destroyed or threw out everything he left. I did it for me. It felt better for me to destroy it than save it for him. I have to think of me.
I boxed up every last thing I could find of his and sent it with him. Come Christmas time, a glass ornament commemorating his stint in the Gulf War came to an inglorious end … and I had a “smashing” good time escorting the remains to the trash!
The visual had falling out of my chair!!! I live vicariously through all of you!
I love where I live so not moving. This was my house before it was ours and now it’s mine again. All his shit went into boxes and bags in the basement. It flooded, his mom and stepdad came to get it as I told them if they didn’t get it in 2 days I was trashing it since all of it was soaking wet. They came, it went. As for things like art and objects, they don’t really trigger memories of him. I did replace the coffee pot but there is a story behind that.
I completely redid the kitchen (cost too much). I put in french doors and built a deck. In the process putting in wood flooring there so I removed all carpet in the entire upstairs so it’s all redone wood. I painted my bedroom lemon yellow and replaced the carpet. My living room I painted purple. That got rid of the fingerprints he took joy in leaving on the walls. I ran out of steam at that point. I still need to redo the bathroom.
“I did replace the coffee pot but there is a story behind that.” I left the coffee maker behind and there’s a story behind why I did too! lol 🙂
Ok you two, we need to know the stories!
My X hoarder refused to get his stuff out. The garage and storage building as well as sides of the house were full of junk. He would come over and piddle around in it for hours without cleaning it up.
It’s all about control and staying connected with their victim. It was horrible. I still have nightmares about the overflowing garage.
I finally had a garage sale and then a thrift store picked up what was left. I sold the house, which was like a ticking time bomb from all his crappy repair jobs.
I moved to a new town, new house, new garden, new friends and new man. I totally believe in the power of breaking up with the stuff just as much as breaking up with them. Move!
When Mr. Sparkles announced “he was done” (yup, same phrase – no originality here!)… he needed to move himself and our two teenage kids (my stepchildren) with him. He TEXTED them that they were moving out in 3 days and to get ready.
I told him to take our bed (always hated the mattress). I gave him a full set of pots/pans/plates/etc. He took the kids furniture (that took longer, after all he had a date on moving day)… so the kids were in limbo for a while.
I owned our house. He had nothing when we met, he left with about the same (thank you pre-nup!).
It has been three years. My son loves his “home” and we have great neighbors and live in a quaint town, so moving wasn’t really an option. So, instead… my best friend repainted my bedroom while I was at work one day. I refurnished it in MY STYLE… and that ignited something in me… I began to slowly “makeover” my house. Every room has now been repainted OR furniture replaced (Craigslist can be good too). I invested in an outdoor patio and updated my son’s bathroom. I even put in a new front door.
Friends tell me, it’s a whole new place – and it is.
As for the shit the fuckwit left behind for two years while the divorce was going through… I gave him two weeks to get it out after the divorced was final. He waited until the last day (of course) and called me a fucking bitch the whole time. I retorted, “well, you’re a whore.” (Would never have done that 3 years ago… must’ve been the house talking!)
Now he’s got to pack up his shit again ‘cuz he got his new “head in the sand” schmoopie to let him move in with her. Not quite the 2000 sq feet house the OW had… more like 900 sq feet… but when you’re in love, you don’t mind being on top of each other all the time, I guess.
Get the shit gone folks – starting with the cheater. Life is so much lighter without all that crap.
I just sent my X (and his new wife) a box filled with old photos. Actually did it on purpose. There were pics of three of our old houses and the renovations he did on them plus pics of us with his old college friends (OW is an old college friend), pics of the kids as babies with their daddy, pics of his sister and her husband (who won’t speak to him bc of OW), pics of his parents (they all live together now). And finally threw in the box the old Christmas letters I used to write when we were pregnant up until kids turn 4 or so. All with pics attached. I hope he felt sucker punched. I told him that he had more room than me to store the photos and the kids have asked him to hold onto them. I was going to throw in our wedding album but thought dimwit might finally see what I was doing. I hope he cried like a baby at the 30 years he tossed away!
Mine took almost everything and left just scraps behind. I didn’t care – there were only a few things I wanted, and I kept those. Still, I was left with a nearly empty apartment and two nervous cats.
My dad showed up a few days later, unannounced, with a truck full of furniture and household goods. I was sleeping in a pile of clothes and blankets on the floor when he arrived.
That night, I slept on a bed that my douchebag ex and his parade of skeeve had never touched. It was a massive relief. (Thanks, Dad.)
Some time later, I discovered the ex had left something of great personal/family (and monetary/historic) value in the closet. I couldn’t bring myself to discard it because it was too precious to his whole family. I wanted it out. So, I packaged it very securely and asked some mutual acquaintances to give it to him, explaining that it was a good thing but I just couldn’t see him again to return it. They agreed.
Some time later, they called to ask me what was in the box. I said I’d rather not discuss it and asked why they were asking. They told me he had opened it at their house (which took a box knife and time…), burst into tears, closed the box, and sobbed that he thought I would have thrown it away and he couldn’t believe he had it all back.
I said to the friends, “Clearly, he never knew me at all.” Now, though, so many years later, I think it’s more likely that he was leaving a hook, that he knew fully well that I would not destroy that box, and he was using it as a Hoover tool. I think the intense emotion was really a loss of control – I had managed to return it without contacting him.
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he really did care about the contents. Maybe both things are true. All I know for sure is that he wouldn’t have done the same for me.
The best part of getting rid of the box is that, even though I didn’t consciously know it was there all that time, offloading it started a cascade of steps to reclaim my own space. I moved to another unit in my building and began to love living alone. It was so freeing, that literal and a figurative 20 pound sudden loss of weight from my life, and I really started looking forward instead of back.
First thing I did the night he left was sit on the couch dumbfounded. Looked up at the painting over the fireplace mantle that I got him for our anniversary one year. Got up, selected the wide butcher knife from the block, walked over and slashed right through it.
He picked up a few things a couple days later and texted to say ‘Shame about the painting’ when he left.
He has taken only a few clothes. The rest of his shit, guitars, files, half a pile of laundry are all still around. It doesn’t bother me that much, they’re only things.
He’s buying me out and I’m running. He can sort out the garage, decide what to do with the Christmas lights in the closet and the owl doorstops we picked out together. In the meantime I’m in the house but sure as damn it this will not be my mess to clean up.
I had to make the property list in the divorce and during the only 4 way meeting (two attorneys and us).
It was surreal. When he glanced at the property list he snickered and threw it on the table and started telling his horrified attorney how “cheap” I was because I included the Dyson vacuum in my column. My attorney piped up and told him that I was told to make the list as part of the process and to please look it over. “I don’t want ANYTHING from her!!” he yelled…uh…except the big screen tv and the full length mirror. My tribe and I got so many laughs from the full length mirror request. Talk about priorities;)
I did pack up all his “stuff” and just forced it on him when he decided to show up for visitations.
Skip ahead to soon after the divorce early this year, and he tells me he is going to “introduce DD to someone”.
His way of doing it was to bring her to the affair partner’s apartment and say, “DD, this is my girlfriend and this is where you will be staying now. Look at all the presents we got you!”
She came home the next day and told me where she now stays (I had to call the asshole for the address to where he now, “all of a sudden”, lives. I did so in a neutral way but it gave him an opportunity to ask in his usual aggressive manner, “you gotta problem with it?!”;)
Anyhoo, DD, in between being excited about her new stuff and crying her eyes out, managed to let me know that she knows where daddy’s mirror is now…in his new room with affair partner. Awesome parenting skills these disordered folks have.
I was actually thinking about this in some way this morning. I got him to take all his stuff very soon after D-day. I just chucked it all in black bags and gave it to him when he came to get DS. I was looking in my wardrobe today and there is so much stuff that is associated with cheater. I don’t know if I can bring myself to wear those things again. I haven’t been able to throw any photos or cards out yet. I did delete all photos involving him off my phone though.
I am still in the house since I owned it before I married Narkles the Clown, so I repainted very room. Nearly all the furniture is from before I met him too, antiques from my family, sturdy stuff with no mental attachment to him. He continued very little to the household in that way so what he did bring or buy went with him, thank goodness. The few pieces of furniture he left I set by the curb for anyone who wanted it. New TV and new living room furniture.
Small things he left went with me to an outdoor gun range. I especially enjoyed a few glass items I figured out came from schmoopies past. After folks asked what I was doing I gave them the condensed version. “I just divorced my husband after he cheated on me. He moved out and left this shit behind so I’m going to destroy It.” Lots of support there. Folks started asking if they could help so I let them. Taking aim at a shot glass from some resort he went to without me and blasting it to smithereens was satisfying. Watching someone with 45 cal gun blow away a paperweight inscribed with some sappy inspirational saying felt great. The empathy and understanding I got that day from people I never met before was uplifting and empowering.
Every once in awhile I still find some small thing when cleaning out a cabinet or draw and just toss it in the trash, giving it very little thought.
AOOK!!! I love the gun range idea!!! I should do that with some old pics. I bet the owner would let me. It’s be great practice. #pewpew
If I had a gun, I would have done the same thing! Super MIGHTY and freeing for sure! I had a few small fires and smashed other stuff. 🙂
This is so, so awesome!!! I love that you took stuff to the gun range and blew it up!!!
WOWSER! I needed this today. Im still in our same house with our kids. The house doesn’t bother me because my ex spent so much time whore-ing around and out the house I barely have any memories of him actually occupying any space other than the bedroom. But he left a ton of shit. He did of course take his precious Michael Jordan Sneaker Collection and his T-shirt collection. I threw out a ton of his shit! Including 2 brand new Ralph Lauren suits!! Some of his shit he collected after our property settlement but he left an old car in the garage. It needed a new transmission. I asked for the title so I could repair it. I wanted to give it to my son who was of driving age. He promised to sign the car title over but he never did. He loves to play keep -sway. Its plenty hard to sell a car without a key and a car title!! So I had to employ some Special Weapons and Tactics (SWAT) but I sold that car and used the money to buy my son a new used car. My ex went ballistic!! He blew up my phone. I didn’t respond to not one.single.text.!! I felt so good after that! Im still fixing up my house and making it mine. And believe it or not, I tried to re-finance the house and take his name off the loan. He went to settlement and refused to sign. He walked away from his share of the equity and wouldn’t sign the deed! Back to court we go. I realize now that no matter if we sold the house or I re-financed he wont ever sign because he cant let go. Even though he swears up and down he wants his money from the equity and he wants his name off the house. Coulda fooled me!!! God, I hate him. I can only assume that God has something much better and richer in store for me. No one should have to endure this much shit from someone they have been divorced from for 4 years!! Anywho, be mighty chumps!! Throw that shit out or donate it. Don’t be afraid to use some Special Weapons and Tactics (SWAT) to do so either. Sometimes it can be tricky when you still co-own property together. But sometimes the mind can get senile… “What car?” ” You didn’t leave a car in the garage when abandoned this house!”… HEHEHEH see what I mean!!!
Impressive! You are mighty nutmegpixy!
I’ve got a new adventure in jackasses and stuff to share.
My EX moved into his own place some years ago (round 1 of “stuff” problem). But last year he abruptly moved out of state (abandoning his home and all his stuff). Now, he has offered to sell some items to my kids–things they want and perceive as valuable–if they wish to go to his abandoned residence and retrieve them. I am refusing to provide funds to buy the junk that I already 1) paid for during our marriage, 2) paid for a second time during the bartering/splitting of assets during our divorce, and 3) would prefer to see destroyed in a fiery blaze.
I’m holding the line at “your father can give you things, but I am not going to pay your father for things I don’t want to buy.” So, the kids are now working out deals with dad where they will take possession of stuff and pay him back as they are able over time. Note–this “stuff” is junk, but because it is Dad’s and Dad tells them it is valuable, they want it. Obviously, there are psychological dimensions to this for the kids, but most of it is straight up manipulation by a jackass without a job (hasn’t had one since the year we separated and he quit to request alimony and claim inability to pay child support) who is shameless enough to try to squeeze funds out of his minor children.
I am, of course, being labeled as the “mean” one in all of these discussions.(I only discuss this with the kids; I am NC as far as is legally possible with the EX.)
What kind of jackass of a parent makes his kids “buy” things from him that he doesn’t want and aren’t worth the gas to haul away?!?
The karma bus is nice, but I really want the karma lightening bolt to burn his uninhabited lair to the ground right now. (Sure, he’d get some insurance money, but none of the horrible “stuff” would come back into my home, and my kids would not be “in debt” to their father.)
Eilonwy,
Maybe one day one of your kids would go over there, and discover that there was a break in. All kinds of ‘stuff’ missing. Let EX know that stuff was taken, and he can file a report if he wants. Then, after the ‘break in’, have your kids go over and take the stuff they want.
Good luck with it, whatever you do.
aeronaut
What kind of dad asks his kids to pay him for his stuff? What a jerk and your poor kids! ((Hugs)) to them. 🙁
I have thought of this often. When ex and I got married, he moved from his parents house into our new apartment (I had been living alone prior to us getting married). His parents said he could have a really old chair that they no longer wanted (they got all brand new living room furniture) and he had to pay them $50.00 for it. The old furniture was from the early 70’s and we got married in 1994, so it was definitely old and definitely out-of-date. But he really liked the chair as it was very comfortable.
What kind of parents makes their kids pay for their stuff that they no longer want? Especially really old stuff!!
I would never ever in a million years ask my kids for money for anything that I have. Nothing! I’m all for teaching kids about being responsible with money and working hard to earn money to get what you want. But to make you kid pay you for your unwanted stuff?
Wow, I believe that is an all time low in the parenting sweepstakes. Damn. I’m sorry Eilonwy. I would hate for that crap to come back into my space too. And your poor kids…what a mindfuck.
What a fucking low life. Your poor children. *hugs*
I have not destroyed pictures yet. I don’t know if I will. I still have a box of love letters through the years. I never look at them or even want to, but somehow, for me, it is proof that I thought he (and we) were a great couple and were living our vows. Ex went on such a smear campaign, I think if kids ever look at it, they will know for sure he is full of shit and know that I loved their dad and they were brought into a loving family with parents who adored each other.(at least I did and he pretended to) Time will tell if they are ever seen.
On a side note, the fool just has to come raging back to ask for more “stuff”. This time, a couple of days after Father’s Day he told my son to tell me he wanted the tool chest (and tools) back. Found out he was texting all the kids- claiming it was a Father’s Day Present for him. I calmly told my son, no- divorce was so done- over 2 years ago and it is and was over. I also said I doubt it was a father’s day gift at all, as I bought it and put it together to organize the garage, but said aven IF it was,a gift he never asked when it was division time.so he can buy new tools and a $99 cart for them. My son (17) said he thought I was being a bit mean about it. I said no, not mean, but frustrated that he is using you to be an intermediary.
Just when you think 10 months of no contact and divorce mess is going to be 11, he pulls some kind of
move like “Mom is not giving me back a Father’s day gift!!!!”
If I was contacting him I would have said, “Failed attempt to paint me in a bad light, you Tool.”
In time son will get son to where the daughters are- they ignored his tool box texts and saw it as another sign of his craziness!
So, my Ex gets to be him without me- the best revenge of all! I’m free!
So my last narc (there was a decades-long string of them, alas) left me stranded with his mother’s ugly, sagging double dresser. It was a bear to get up two flights of twisty stairs so that’s probably why he left it (plus he knew I hated it). It was too big for me to move so I tolerated it for years disguising it the best I could.
Finally, I smashed it into bits (using only a hammer) and put it on the curb.
It felt so GOOOOOD.
There is a topic on the forum called ‘FUCK!!’ where chumps just unload the expletives and often comment how good it feels. Smashing that dresser felt like that – only in a more three dimensional way.
Smashing sh*t can be so cathartic ! Guess what I did with the wedding goblet engraved with our first names and wedding date ? Walked up to the attic,flung open one of the windows and tossed it three stories down onto the patio ! I scared the neighbors that day… “Honey, did you hear glass breaking ? Is there an intruder ?”
Good for you! Smash it and trash it!
The home office ex used as his porn viewing den was gutted of all furnishings, repainted bright purple and repurposed into an art studio for my daughter. I LOVE walking by and in that room now. The half-built half-baked wood-project dresser in the garage that sat unfinished for 12 years was chucked unceremoniously into the garbage, along with everything else of his I found in the house after he moved out. I kept all the good stuff like TVs, electronics, etc and I enjoy them. I can’t move, but I did replace all the furniture- STARTING WITH THE BED.
He’s been gone nearly 2 years now and my house has never been cleaner and nicer. It’s amazing how much things change for the better when a human-sized PIG is out of the picture.
“My house has never been cleaner and nicer”
ME TOO!!!!
I walk through my house barefoot at night now. It’s amazing!
I am in the same house. I bought it right before we married. I put the money down made all the mortgage payments and had to refinance to cash him out in the divorce. That said, I love the house and the location and am not moving.
What I have done to reclaim it:
Finally ripped out (down tho the studs) the master bath. I always wanted to do this but never could because cheaterturd would never have allowed the process, since he slept most days away and didn’t like people in the house. It is now a gorgeous oasis.
Turned his man cave into the most lovely room ever. It’s girly now, blue couch, totally redecorated.
Repainted every room that he insisted he pick the paint colors for but we’re just hideous.
New mattress.
I also threw away everything he didn’t take when he left. Especially the attic he had loaded with shit.
I was shocked once he was gone and I cleaned out that literally every closet in my 2500 square foot house is now empty except my one closet with my clothes in it. He was a buyer and a hoarder, another side effect of him constantly trying to,fill the empty void in his soul with stuff. He rarely worked but bought things constantly. He died shortly after our divorce so anything left at my house was then fair game and in the trash it all went.
My house is now bright and airy and relaxing. Everything it never was when he was around.
After he moved out, my house quit stinking. He stunk, his stuff stink and when he left, he took the stench with him. It took me a few months to realize that happened…. when I walked into my house after a long day and realized it smelled good.
My stbx stinks as well. Especially in the summertime. Not armpit sweat, or any other recognizable smell. Just a general fat-hairy-man who lives on cheeseburgers grossness.
I wonder if this will happen to my house as well. I hope so.
Yep that stink left when he did too. From his greasy skin to his 40 a day cigarette habit. I once made the mistake of wiping down a surface of a white wall when I moved a picture. Had to wash the entire room once I realized that everything was stained yellow from his disgusting habit. Oh and since I am no longer funding 40 ciggies a day guess what – I’m rich!!!! From what I see on Facebook, latest schmoopie doesn’t think much of his cigarette habit either, ha, bloody ha.
Love this story, so happy for you. Your home is Sanctuary now.
Mine was a little different. She moved out and took just about everything of value (silver sets, crystal, etc) even if I had paid for it. Lawyer was no help saying if I didn’t have photos and receipt for the items, nothing I could do. Having been accumulated over 20 years I didn’t have receipts for most of it. She did leave behind almost all the furniture only because i had receipts and paid for it myself. What did I do?
– Gave away our bedroom set to one of my son’s friends. Threw out the mattress and boxspring . The thought of sleeping on it was sickening.
– Donated to charity the living room set, family room set, kitchen set, pots/pans, rugs, dishes, drapes, curtains, etc. (Goodwill will send a truck for enough stuff btw).
– Bought another house 1.5 hours away from her to be closer to work and family.
– Moved into new house with my clothes, a dining room set, TV and not much else.
– Went to IKEA and bought a futon, bed, dresser and mattress (yes, i really like them and they are inexpensive). Bought new dishes, pots/pans, silverware, etc. while staying on a tight budget.
– Over the past year I visit garage/estate sales to pick up things here and there. It’s actually a lot of fun.
Yes, it was exhilarating and scary to hit the “reset” button on my life. For the first time in 20 years I actually got to pick out what I liked! I could make my own choices which was confusing at first. I really had difficulty deciding on things because I never had a say in it. Now I live in MY house with MY furniture and decorated (if you want to call it that) with MY choices. My friends joke around with me saying inside my house has that “minimalist” look, like a dorm room. LOL. I guess I realized I didn’t need all that “stuff” to make me happy.
My theory about the disorderd and their stuff is that they actually cannot deal because they have crap life skills.
However, they are masters of image management, so they flip the script to make their Chump seem either vindictive or incompetent.
This ensures that any negative scrutiny is on the Chump and keeps Chumps focused on stuff instead of the crap life skills on display.
I remember once my last narc said after a frustrating discussion of what to do with all the stuff piled up that he didn’t want to deal with, “If you loved me you would make it all go away”.
Mine left everything except his clothes and a couple of things I told him he had to take. He was shocked that I was making him remove the furniture his mom left him (before we were together). He now has an air of superiority about the stuff, that I am too materialistic and he is too intelligent to be concerned about things! Meanwhile he helped me pick out every item in the place. I could not even bring a candle holder into the place without his approval.
He left everything behind when he cheated on his first wife and left her (long before my time). He didn’t even take pictures of his son. What a fuckwit. He says he is sleeping at a freind’s place on a mattress on the floor and is proud of that. Let me repeat, Fuckwit!
Yes on the vindictive part. After waiting for him to get his garage stuff for 6 months, I finally had my lawyer send him a letter telling him he had 10 days to get it out. His response? “It was unnecessary to involve you lawyer.” Yeah. You keep on believing that, douchebag.
I hear you, Keepin’ Calm. Several similar experiences! Roll eyes, move on.
He was supposed to come get his stuff today. I got an email last night from him saying he had another staph infection (he had two when we were married which caused him to be hospitalized) and wouldn’t be able to move out his stuff today. So I have to wait ANOTHER week. GAH!!!
Just recently I put his guns in the storage locker of the rental property we coown. Let them rust in peace.
The possession of firearms comes with legal parameters. If they’re his, and you aren’t afraid of him using them against you, then you need to disclose to him where they are and give him access so he can get them. Depending on your state, you could be charged for illegal possession.
Talk to an attorney about that.
I moved.
I left my wife, which meant I packed up my clothes and key belongings and let her deal with an empty apartment full of furniture, belongings, and reminders of our life together.
I’d love to say this was intentional, but really I was so weak at the time that I knew I’d let myself be tricked by her again if I stayed.
In our divorce settlement, I paid my wife for the depreciated value of all of those things.
It was frustating sometimes to have to re-accumulate every thing, from large (a bed) to small (a clothes drying rack). It’s a process that is still ongoing.
But I am happy to not be surrounded by our belongings…half of which were wedding presents. Let her and the OM enjoy the Scandinavian dishes and utensils, throw pillows, and wine rack that were on our registry: the people who gave those gifts to us believed we’d be a faithful couple, sharing those gifts throughout our lifetimes. My ex-wife lasted 3.5 years, destroying whatever meaning those gifts may have had.
Move on.
You weren’t “weak” to move out — you knew yourself and your survival mode kicked in. And you have survived and should be proud of that. There’s a lot of talk here at CL about the ways in which people are mighty and, for me, it’s been easy to (chumpishly) compare myself unfavorably to some of the others here. But my situation is my own, as is yours, and whatever you did to survive it is the right thing. No weakness noted.
I kicked him out, waited until our lease was up (made him continue paying half), then took what I wanted and moved out. Made him clean up and remove the rest to get our deposit back. Then kept the deposit in full. Sucks to suck.