He Had Another Girlfriend. Do I Tell Her?
Hi Chump Lady,
I’m a single mother of three and I’ve been divorced for about two years now. I decided to try to start dating online. I thought met the greatest guy, he’s funny, hardworking, has two kids, and he had a lot of similar goals and interests as me.
We’ve been dating for over a year now.
I recently found out he’s had another girlfriend the entire time who also is a single mother with two kids.
It all makes sense now, not answering my phone calls or texts until hours or even days later, not ever meeting all his family just a few guy friends of his, never meeting his children or him meeting mine, only meeting at my place or a cabin he has 50 miles away.
He explained away a lot of this as a fear of getting hurt and just taking things slowly so we build our relationship the right way. We live in a fairly rural area and his other girlfriend showed up on my Facebook as people you may know with her and him as the profile picture. He has no social media.
I’m fuming mad for him to use BOTH of us. He preys on women in vulnerable positions and she needs to know he’s been playing both of us this entire time. He is unaware that I know of his cheating ways. I’ve done my best to keep it bottled in. I plan on telling her in a way so he can’t do any damage control and act like I’m making things up, I have text and pictures of us together messages from him.
I’m not sure how best to go about this. I sympathize with this woman deeply and feel terrible for her seeing as they just recently MOVED in together. Part of me doesn’t want to tell her and hurt her, she’s obviously more invested in this man than I was and this hurts like hell. He told me he has been very busy deer hunting this year, yet hasn’t got a deer and has been at it since October 1 🙄. I’m such a sucker. I can’t believe I fell for this shit. Any advice would be appreciated.
Sincerely yours,
Never Gonna Be a Side Piece
***
Dear Never Gonna Be a Side Piece,
Yes, absolutely tell her.
The “Do I tell?” the chump question comes up a lot and I believe in telling. It’s the Golden Rule — you’d want to know if it was you, right? (My exceptions are, if telling would risk your life in some way, or if the “chump” was the former affair partner, in which case stay no contact.)
But this woman is an innocent victim, an unwitting side piece, just like you. She’s got children and moving in with a guy with a double life is dangerous. Here’s how to approach telling her.
Don’t be anonymous.
You’re more believable and it’s more compassionate to identify yourself. You found her on Facebook and could private message her, but if there’s some way to find out her phone number (perhaps via where she works?) and calling, that’s better. A phone call can’t be intercepted, or written off as the ramblings of a deranged “ex.” You might want to do both, a PM, followed up with a phone call.
Offer evidence and be kind.
Send screen shots, texts, whatever you have. You know, as a fellow chump, that this information is going to be extremely upsetting, so come up with a script.
I’m very sorry to tell you this, but I thought you should know, that your boyfriend Douchey McCheaterFace has been sleeping with us both, while pretending to be in a committed relationship with us. He appears to target single moms. I met him online at (this date) and we’ve been together (during these intervals). As he is a practiced liar with a double life, he’ll try to gaslight you, so here’s the evidence. (Attach screenshots.) I’m here if you want to talk further, (your contact info).
As you know the cheater is going to try to discredit you as deranged and spiteful, keep your emotions out of this script. Be compassionate and factual.
Let go of how she receives this information.
This is the hard part. She may try to reconcile with him. He may mindfuck her further. You don’t control that. You did your part as a decent human being telling her. If she goes forward, then she’s no long a chump, she’s a volunteer, and that’s sad (especially for those kids). But I don’t know a single chump who hasn’t been grateful to find out, even if they didn’t take immediate action. There’s also the possibility you could band together and take down a serial cheat like the Tinder Swindler and become a Netflix special.
Go total no contact with the cheater freak.
I’m sure Douchey McCheaterFace will not enjoy being exposed as the sociopathic, predatory creep that he is. So after you’ve told his other victim, BLOCK him. His feelings are absolutely irrelevant, and don’t waste your precious breath telling him how he hurt you, or what a POS he is. Any contact is just pretext to mindfuck you further and gain advantage. So deny him. You don’t need him to work out your feelings.
Now that we’ve covered how to tell the other girlfriend, let’s look at your picker for next time. It’s hard in the dating trenches and there are a lot of freaks.
Signs you’re dealing with a freak:
not answering my phone calls or texts until hours or even days later,
People who are available act available. This whole hot/cold schtick is never good. At best, he’s inconsiderate and worse, he’s busy juggling a double life. How quickly you respond to contact can be sensitive. Is too soon thirsty? Is too long shady? But a normal person is congruent in word and deed. Their interest is consistent, it builds, they’re reliable. Freaks tend toward the high/low brain hook of intermittent rewards.
not ever meeting all his family just a few guy friends of his,
After a solid year of dating? Makes you wonder if those guy friends know he’s a serial cheat. Ugh. I think six months in, you have plausible deniability of “taking it slow.” But after a year and you haven’t met the significant people in his life? Yeah, that’s a dealbreaker. People who are into you can’t wait to introduce you. They’re genuinely excited about your relationship.
never meeting his children or him meeting mine,
I’m glad he hasn’t met your kids. But clearly he does for that other chump he’s moving in with. Slow introductions on kids are the sane way to go, but again with the plausible deniability point from above — after a YEAR? No. He’s hiding something or someone.
only meeting at my place or a cabin he has 50 miles away.
Yeah, this is a terrible sign. You don’t even know if that cabin is his. Also, after a YEAR? Does he even have a home or children? Is he living in his car? Say no to the International Man of Mystery crap.
He has no social media.
THAT YOU KNOW OF.
Even the Amish have social media. If he hasn’t so much as a LinkedIn page, the guy is a player.
He told me he has been very busy deer hunting this year, yet hasn’t got a deer
Too bad there aren’t salt licks for cheaters. You could just lure them all to a corn field, flash your high beams, and corral them into a holding pen for perpetuity. Or maybe tie a few to the grill of the car… (Chump Lady wanders into dark thoughts about taxidermy…)
OP, I’m sorry this happened to you. Big hugs from your fellow chumps. Please alert the other girlfriend. No one, especially another single mom, deserves a fuckwit.
If I was dating this creep and kids were involved, I would tell his other girlfriend. Specific commitments were being made. Being close to the situation, I wouldn’t let it slide.
But I’ve been divorced for a while. My ex lives in another state. The kids are grown. I am not in contact with my ex, but I know through a connection that he’s dating. Whatever.
If one of them called me, I’d say, “We’re all adults here. You do you.”
Different situation.
Never Gonna Be a Side Piece,
I think that CL has nailed it; provide this other lady with information, but don’t get involved in how she deals with, and disengage entirely with him.
I would observe however, that a lack of social media presence isn’t
necessarily sketchy. I have no Instagram, FaceBook, Twitter/X or any kind of dating site presence by choice, because I don’t like what they stand for or how they cause people to act. I do, however, have a very limited LinkedIn profile, but only because that is professionally necessary. More than one of my acquaintances has questioned on whether or not I actually exist!
LFTT
💯 Social media could only be used against me by my litigious, coercively abusive X. So I only have the bare minimum that work mandates.
I have nothing either. Waste of my time minding everyone else’s business. I look at Instagram once a month and have my name in FB but I write nothing. I miss alot maybe but my time is valuable.
I agree with your social media observation. I don’t use it either – I don’t need to professionally, I have a very small circle of friends and family, and I just can’t stand the stuff. I always say, you can’t be fired or ostracized over the tweet you never sent.
M,
In my case, it’s not so much “not getting fired … etc etc,” it’s because I am a very private individual who feels no need to parade his life for all and sundry to see.
I also know that Ex-Mrs LFTT has what I will politely refer to as “some stalker-like tendencies” that I do not wish to exacerbate. It has already got to the point that our two daughters have both blocked her from their Instagram as she was contacting them to harangue them in almost real time if they posted anything that involved me.
LFTT
Wow, how sad it is that she would attack her own kids over stuff like that. I’m sure it makes them love her ALL the more…..
Yes, please do tell. Be aware though, that some people tend to shoot the messenger when they get news like that. Not literally, one would hope, but you may get nasty messages back. In that case, ignore them and block her. Don’t let anybody guilt trip you for doing right. He’s going to cheat on her with somebody else, guaranteed. It’s imperative that she should know what she’s getting into by building a life with him.
If you are too scared to do it over the phone, go ahead and use FB messenger, and send the screenshots too.
In my case, the chump did not require further evidence. He believed me right away, which tells me she had done it before. Unfortunately, he volunteered for further abuse from her, and AFAIK they are still together. That’s not my problem and we haven’t communicated since. So like CL says, you deliver the message and let go of the outcome.
Yes! People not only shoot messengers, but also sometimes lie to them about not being involved with the dude for whose benefit she had moved her kids! 🤥 Expect nothing and take none of it personally. Tell with proof and kindness, then move on.
I agree with CL… TELL AND PROVIDE PROOF.
How I wish someone had had the cajones to bestow that act of kindness upon me. Not one of FW’s 14 married APs (who all knew me and our kids personally) breathed a word to me, not even to taunt me. And it took YEARS for a mutual friend to finally tell me they’d spotted FW and Married Howorker having numerous intimate lunches together miles from our home. Ha, a lot of good that did me. When I think of all the time I wasted loving and trusting him, never knowing about his underground escapades, it makes me sick.
Agreed! I wish someone had told me. I’m sure over the 24 years of our marriage that there were other people that knew of his cheating….
I highly recommend a subscription to a background checking service like Instant Checkmate. First thing I do after a few weeks or so of meeting someone. If there’s criminal activity, loans and liens, divorces, etc. the system captures it.
I absolutely 2nd this because in our modern era frequently ALL we know about people is what they present about themselves and that’s not enough for a serious relationship.
Heck, I used to use my mom’s recommendation of verifying something against our state judicial search!
A couple years before DD, I got a phone phone call from someone who said my wife was having sex with a coworker at the school where she taught First grade. She refused to identify herself. But my wife had me set up. She had been complaining for a long time that the other teachers were jealous of her and spread rumors about her to get her fired. She said it was like Junior High School all over again. She also was struggling with her mental health at the time and was on psychiatric medications. I could not see risking her tenous hold on reality by questioning her about the call. Of course after DD I began to see all this in a different light as the layers of the onion peeled back. If the caller had identified herself and had evidence a whole lot could have been different. As it was, I suffered through a few more years walking on eggshells and making excuses to our teen sons as they experienced their mother’s otherwise inexplicable behavior.
Tell her for the sake of her children, if nothing else.
This is great advice, tell and then let go, knowing you did the right thing.
I told the husband of the woman who was emailing & texting my husband and confessing her undying love for him. He responded by saying: “She is an alcoholic and bi-polar and does stuff like this sometimes, I think it’s pretty harmless.”
I wanted to respond, “Well, she put the final nails in the coffin of my marriage since my husband kept this daily correspondence secret from me for months. So, it’s not very harmless if you ask me.”
Luckily, CL taught me well, and I knew nothing good would come from getting into a debate with him about it. I had done the right thing and told him, what he did with that info is his business.
They must have talked though, since a few days later she wrote me a looong message on Facebook that I ignored. Actually, I should look it up, it would probably be great fodder for the UBT.
LOL, I just did a similar hit and run with a crappy neighbor. After years of her subjecting everyone nearby to noisy, endless, illegal construction (at 6am, 11pm, on holidays, etc.), along with other sleep-deprived neighbors, I dropped a bomb of a report with the neighborhood association. In response, the culprit neighbor fired off an inordinately long text to me that I didn’t bother to read but just saved for future legal action. I’ve dealt with her before and already know what the text says: “Narcy-narcy-narc-narc-implied-threat-pity-trap-pity-trap-implied-threat-meeee.”
YES, YES, YES – TELL HER. Wouldn’t you have loved someone to tell you a year ago before you wasted time on his toxic life? Can you imagine if you had kids and moved in with this guy? If you MARRIED him? We need to protect each other from these kind of criminals (because I do believe this is a type of crime and in many areas of the world it probably would be treated as such esp if marriage was involved). Contact her directly if you can so he cannot intercept and show her some evidence. Be kind, I’m sure you will anyway, but also be prepared for any kind of reaction. She might be grateful as all hell, she might be weep hysterically, she might be angry at YOU. It’s okay, that’s just a shock reaction. This guy is probably VERY good at this game and who knows how many broken hearts and bodies he’s left in his wake, or if he’s also stringing OTHER women along besides you two right now. Recognize that while she may be incredibly grateful, she may also go into denial or anger because it’s just so hard to process especially when you’re intertwining your life with some one else and you find out Mr. Sweetness is an Evil Bastard. Don’t take ANY reaction you get personally, but this is the good deed that all Chumps have to do. If they people who KNOW would only TELL, so much heartbreak could be avoided or minimized.
I think one of the things that Chumps really have a hard time with, really painful, is how many people KNEW before we did and didn’t tell us. They knew what he was like, they knew what he was doing, they knew about the affair(s) and never told us. That’s a terrible secret to keep for someone whose only commitment seems to be to destroying lives.
Because I learned about the affair from workplace whistleblowers, my situation afforded me an unusual peek into social dynamics that I suspect apply universally to most cheating situations and which I think all chumps could benefit from considering. From what I saw, for every smirking, enabling bystander, there are more who naturally sympathize with victims but feel restrained from saying anything due to instinctual (and understandable) terror of what *else* cheaters might be capable of. It makes sense if you think about it: if someone can betray a spouse and even kids, what can anyone really put past them? Frankly I think even the smirking enablers are really just “groveling for amnesty” from people they perceive– in their dim, primitive, cowardly brains– to be fundamentally dangerous.
Abusers *want* to destroy their victims’ hope and faith in human decency and sense of safety in the world. It’s part of what is called “perspecticide” and most abusers are dedicated to inducing it in victims because it’s part of the psychological trap that can prevent victims from seeking support and better options. Cheating dynamics are perfect for generating this hopeless illusion because they make people around the situation behave in squirrely, unconscious and gutless ways. Many abusers are rabid image managers who control people around them using inferred menace mixed with perks so some particularly skilled types can always stir up this kind of circus of groveling in their midst. The worse the abuse they commit in private, the more intensely they try to groom bystanders. But what survivors usually don’t hear about are all the people who thought the abusers’ machinations or come-ons were creepy and disgusting or how many people had pangs of identifying with victims even if they’d never met them.
I recall all my #2 cheater coworkers knew since my cheater was using empty hospital rooms to get on with his affair. The OW reported my cheater for probably his awful performance..he got involved but no one told me. I had to call his boss and he told me it was consensual and they were both supposed to leave the other alone! So no one from his job at the hospital volunteered any info. My cheater was 100% protected by his male dominated team. They all downplayed an affair at work. It is crazy to me the shield around these guys. Tell!
I can absolutely understand that especially when it comes to more casual relationships like co-workers or neighbors. What gets me is when “friends” or relatives know about these situations and THEY don’t say anything. I know it’s difficult to “snitch” and people get scared, but ….it has to be done. The damage is so much worse if it isn’t done. I think with our letter writer it’s pretty clear that she should inform because she’s directly involved with this and we do all need to warn each other of these situations. Frankly, I think we should go back to using the stocks on the public commons for these adulterers….let’s give them some REALLY good exposure!
I agree. I love that a commenter here used the classic old term “Quisling” for traitor (google it– perfect). It’s similar to CL’s “Vichy” reference. But the way I process bystander betrayal is to chalk it up to a need to continue calibrating my picker, not just in terms of partners but also in terms of friends and close social circle. I view this as part of the art of living.
This is hard to explain. I’ve always been a bit sensitive to little hints that other people aren’t really “all there” or may not be who they pretend to be. I’m kind of the canary in the coalmine in that sense. I’m very social but some people hit me like a punch in the kidneys. There have been times when certain social encounters made me lose sleep. It took a long time to figure out why.
When I was younger, I used to sort of chastise myself over that “sensitivity,” thinking I might be some weirdo inventing problems where none existed. But, in recent years, I’m more about owning that radar and also finding other people who see things in the same way. Involvement in various causes like disability rights, domestic violence and environmental health has been a great litmus in that sense because I’ve had the great fortune of seeing spectacularly effective people make good use of that sensitivity in advancing those causes. These are people who can figure out if someone else is a shithead before anyone else even smells shit. What’s more, they don’t apologize for it. If life is about picking teams, that’s the team I want to earn rank in. Furthermore, it seems like people of that caliber tend to attract like minds and can form genuinely solid circles of friends. Win-win.
In the end, I don’t think we merely ignore red flags when it comes to partners. There’s also a lot of social pressure to ignore red flags regarding friends and acquaintances– you know, “going along to get along.” I’ve started to think of life as a sort of ultimate challenge to see if we put principles above “fitting in.” So far, trying to earn membership in “Team Principles” seems the most rewarding.
For sure. My wife had a couple of friends who kept her affair hidden from me. They came to my house and just totally treated me like the chump I was, knowing where and what she was doing.
I haven’t eliminated all the Switzerland’s from my life, but I’ve damn sure gotten rid of the Quislings.
I haven’t heard that term in ages. Yes, no “Quislings” please. Only “Jossings” need apply.
Very sorry … don’t want to hijack the thread …
Found out yesterday that my boss is having an affair with a sales guy. They have both left their spouses, and she has two small children (6 and 8). This explains all the unnecessary travel she’s been on. I am disgusted and actually want to leave my job.
Both are beloved by everyone, who will all just shrug and congratulate them, I suppose.
Gross. I don’t blame you for wanting to change jobs to get away from this pack of enablers and liars. I might consider sending anonymous condolences to the two chumps as a bit of corrective self esteem repair and false-shame-remover that we all know chumps can use.
Don’t forget to throw in a few copies of LACGAL
NGBAS–
I think it’s awful that you’re going through this “Dirty John” trauma so soon after divorce. I’ve often wondered if predators can telepathically sense vulnerability and I wish there was such a thing as FW-repellent spray. In the meantime, I think your impulse to warn a fellow victim that they’re being scammed is noble. CL’s advice is spot on as usual. Just to expand on her caveat a bit, if the fact this FW happens to be armed (“hunter”) makes you nervous or if there’s any chance the other woman is unstable and this FW could steer her anger towards you, your safety and your kids’ safety are the first and only considerations. Doing nothing or sending an anonymous warning would be justified in that case.
A little food for thought: Wording an anonymous warning as if it came from some friend of the FW could also be an option to distract from the actual source. Clearly some of his friends are enablers of his double life. I love well deserved pranks and would personally have no problem sowing discord and distrust among cabals of liars and jerks. I did something similar in my own situation– via omissions, I let FW believe I’d found out about the affair from the AP’s big mouth friends because 1) the AP truly did have a big mouth and it wasn’t that far from the truth; 2) it steered suspicion away from the actual informants; and 3) I needed to laugh like someone who just lost an arm in a wood chipper needs a tourniquet and the ensuing shitstorm of paranoid finger pointing and accusations was truly hilarious and still cracks me up to this day (which beats crying when I get periodic flashbacks). But since you’re on the front lines of this situation and the one facing any potential fallout, it’s best to heed your own instincts as you weigh your options over what to do. Safety first.
I agree with CL. Pass on the information, and let them decide what to do with it. I would have appreciated this information, rather than the one in a million way I discovered the news.
Nailed it.
At least the deer lived.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
But if does manage to shoot Bambi, here’s hoping he gets a nice case of lead poisoning from his own buckshot.
p.s., I’m not a practicing vegan and don’t wish that on everyone who hunts for food, just the creeps.
Agree. What she does with the info is her choice. The deception is the worst part of it all.
Definitely tell her.you may save her years of anguish. SO TODAY IS MY DIVORCE-IVERSARY -yes the Monday after Thanksgiving (just realized it takes six yrs for the days of week to line up again) 6 yrs. So where am I? I don’t hurt anymore and I have the memories. The memories of him cheating cloud all memories of “good” times in our past. Fortunately they do not cloud memories of my great sons. CL and CN have been instrumental in my understanding, decision-making around the divorce and healing. I ask myself why I keep reading this blog. Because I still learn and more is revealed about me and our shared experience. My heart aches for the newbies and I feel joy for those who have recovered and thrive. I feel like I finally match my moniker. I too am thriving. I do love my CL icon! It totally represents how I feel towards him and cheating in general. PFFFT!!! Be well. Hugs!!
Brava !!! 🎂💃🏽🎉
Congratulations!
” People who are into you can’t wait to introduce you”
This is true and sadly many of us experienced it by having their FWs talk about “a friend” and how “you have to meet them, they are so great”
Yep, my fw brought the whore to my house and she sat her nasty self on my couch, and I brought her and her pretend boyfriend a drink. Note: she was great at all, she barely spoke two words. But, I remember the glare. I just judged her as stupid, maybe she was just pissed.
The howorker showed up unexpectedly and I offered her dinner. She was toying with him I now realize. It’s been 5 years since D day. This is the first Christmas I feel like myself again and I’m taking joy in decorating and my grands are 4, 6, 6,7 fun ages.
My therapist said it would take five years, sadly, she was right.
Thus was soooo funny!!! Startled Deer photo on top. Salt lick for cheaters and corral them.TAXIDERMY!! My sides split from laughing. All I got were anonymous phone calls asking me where my husband was and then hang ups. I never suspected him at all. He was not that kind of a guy. Meaner than a junk yard dog, at Golds gym every evening!! Who knew the hook up was golds gym?
I wish OW had stayed on the phone and told me she had her tallons in my husband of 14 years. I could have avoided waiting for him to.come home prior to childbirth( took 3 hours after my water broke) and side stepped him yawning and watching football during contractions. Oh and naming my daughter after OW. Cheater #2 would have needed his coworker to call me and her first language was not English. Or the nameless massage people? Would they let me know ?? Yes tell. Then we are aware and can make better decisions or at the very least, start the clock on planning an exit.Another choice? Become a volunteer for STDs, mind games, coercion, demeaning, devaluing, and continuing as an appliance. You pick. As for me, I escaped both cheaters and though I was embarrassed, i was also free to live my life fully and without these giant speed bumps in my way. One thing that frightened me in your story was the cabin in the woods..if he was a sociopath who knows what he would do. Assume nothing.
“at the very least, start the clock on planning an exit.”
See this is the thing, even if I decided to stay for my son to be raised; I would have taken more colleges classes, I likely would have saved money in a private account in case I needed a fast exit etc. I definitely would have stopped my volunteer work in the community and politics to concentrate on building my career instead of his. So many decisions based on a lie. It is just not right, and should be actionable under the law.
To be clear the volunteer work I was doing was also useful to me in that I learned so much and met great folks. But it was work I was doing for my fw to help him build his reputation in the city. Unknown to me, he was living a secret life, and destroying our lives as quickly as I was building it.
Had I known I would have dropped all that to take several college classes at one time, and focus on me. There is no way I could have kept up that volunteer schedule and taken more classes. I made a choice based on love and what I thought was a solid marriage.
He and the whore were not able to enjoy the fruits of my labor, because most folks were disgusted by both of them when the light hit them. I still miss a lot of those folks, but I had to move on for me.
I definitely would not have used some of my inheritance to pay off office debt that he had accrued by not paying his bills. I remember paying a $1500 Internet cable bill for the office. I just believed all the lies, Had I known, it would’ve been so different.
Many of them are good liars. Years of practice.
Even if we volunteeer, we can start the exit plan..or wait for the next Dday and you have 2 bullets in the chamber.
Oh I was already taking college classes and got hired by DoD, so I was moving my self forward, but I would have still made many different decisions.