Hi Chump Lady,
I’m a single mother of three and I’ve been divorced for about two years now. I decided to try to start dating online. I thought met the greatest guy, he’s funny, hardworking, has two kids, and he had a lot of similar goals and interests as me.
We’ve been dating for over a year now and I recently found out he’s had another girlfriend the entire time who also is a single mother with two kids.
It all makes sense now, not answering my phone calls or texts until hours or even days later, not ever meeting all his family just a few guy friends of his, never meeting his children or him meeting mine, only meeting at my place or a cabin he has 50 miles away.
He explained away a lot of this as a fear of getting hurt and just taking things slowly so we build our relationship the right way. We live in a fairly rural area and his other girlfriend showed up on my Facebook as people you may know with her and him as the profile picture. He has no social media.
I’m fuming mad for him to use BOTH of us. He preys on women in vulnerable positions and she needs to know he’s been playing both of us this entire time. He is unaware that I know of his cheating ways. I’ve done my best to keep it bottled in. I plan on telling her in a way so he can’t do any damage control and act like I’m making things up, I have text and pictures of us together messages from him.
I’m not sure how best to go about this. I sympathize with this woman deeply and feel terrible for her seeing as they just recently MOVED in together. Part of me doesn’t want to tell her and hurt her, she’s obviously more invested in this man than I was and this hurts like hell. He told me he has been very busy deer hunting this year, yet hasn’t got a deer and has been at it since October 1 🙄. I’m such a sucker. I can’t believe I fell for this shit. Any advice would be appreciated.
Never Gonna Be a Side Piece
Dear Never Gonna Be a Side Piece,
Yes, absolutely tell her. The “Do I tell?” the chump question comes up a lot and I believe in telling. It’s the Golden Rule — you’d want to know if it was you, right? (My exceptions are, if telling would risk your life in some way, or if the “chump” was the former affair partner, in which case stay no contact.)
But this woman is an innocent victim, an unwitting side piece, just like you. She’s got children and moving in with a guy with a double life is dangerous. Here’s how to approach telling her.
Don’t be anonymous.
You’re more believable and it’s more compassionate to identify yourself. You found her on Facebook and could private message her, but if there’s some way to find out her phone number (perhaps via where she works?) and calling, that’s better. A phone call can’t be intercepted, or written off as the ramblings of a deranged “ex.” You might want to do both, a PM, followed up with a phone call.
Offer evidence and be kind.
Send screen shots, texts, whatever you have. You know, as a fellow chump, that this information is going to be extremely upsetting, so come up with a script.
I’m very sorry to tell you this, but I thought you should know, that your boyfriend Douchey McCheaterFace has been sleeping with us both, while pretending to be in a committed relationship with us. He appears to target single moms. I met him online at (this date) and we’ve been together (during these intervals). As he is a practiced liar with a double life, he’ll try to gaslight you, so here’s the evidence. (Attach screenshots.) I’m here if you want to talk further, (your contact info).
As you know the cheater is going to try to discredit you as deranged and spiteful, keep your emotions out of this script. Be compassionate and factual.
Let go of how she receives this information.
This is the hard part. She may try to reconcile with him. He may mindfuck her further. You don’t control that. You did your part as a decent human being telling her. If she goes forward, then she’s no long a chump, she’s a volunteer, and that’s sad (especially for those kids). But I don’t know a single chump who hasn’t been grateful to find out, even if they didn’t take immediate action. There’s also the possibility you could band together and take down a serial cheat like the Tinder Swindler and become a Netflix special.
Go total no contact with the cheater freak.
I’m sure Douchey McCheaterFace will not enjoy being exposed as the sociopathic, predatory creep that he is. So after you’ve told his other victim, BLOCK him. His feelings are absolutely irrelevant, and don’t waste your precious breath telling him how he hurt you, or what a POS he is. Any contact is just pretext to mindfuck you further and gain advantage. So deny him. You don’t need him to work out your feelings.
Now that we’ve covered how to tell the other girlfriend, let’s look at your picker for next time. It’s hard in the dating trenches and there are a lot of freaks.
Signs you’re dealing with a freak:
not answering my phone calls or texts until hours or even days later,
People who are available act available. This whole hot/cold schtick is never good. At best, he’s inconsiderate and worse, he’s busy juggling a double life. How quickly you respond to contact can be sensitive. Is too soon thirsty? Is too long shady? But a normal person is congruent in word and deed. Their interest is consistent, it builds, they’re reliable. Freaks tend toward the high/low brain hook of intermittent rewards.
not ever meeting all his family just a few guy friends of his,
After a solid year of dating? Makes you wonder if those guy friends know he’s a serial cheat. Ugh. I think six months in, you have plausible deniability of “taking it slow.” But after a year and you haven’t met the significant people in his life? Yeah, that’s a dealbreaker. People who are into you can’t wait to introduce you. They’re genuinely excited about your relationship.
never meeting his children or him meeting mine,
I’m glad he hasn’t met your kids. But clearly he does for that other chump he’s moving in with. Slow introductions on kids are the sane way to go, but again with the plausible deniability point from above — after a YEAR? No. He’s hiding something or someone.
only meeting at my place or a cabin he has 50 miles away.
Yeah, this is a terrible sign. You don’t even know if that cabin is his. Also, after a YEAR? Does he even have a home or children? Is he living in his car? Say no to the International Man of Mystery crap.
He has no social media.
THAT YOU KNOW OF.
Even the Amish have social media. If he hasn’t so much as a LinkedIn page, the guy is a player.
He told me he has been very busy deer hunting this year, yet hasn’t got a deer
Too bad there aren’t salt licks for cheaters. You could just lure them all to a corn field, flash your high beams, and corral them into a holding pen for perpetuity. Or maybe tie a few to the grill of the car… (Chump Lady wanders into dark thoughts about taxidermy…)
OP, I’m sorry this happened to you. Big hugs from your fellow chumps. Please alert the other girlfriend. No one, especially another single mom, deserves a fuckwit.