How Did You Thwart Their Greatness?

frustrateApparently, many of us stood in the way of cheater greatness. One thing I noticed, reading all the stories here, is how so many chumps just crush dreams and place unreasonable burdens of responsibility on cheaters. If it weren’t for you, he’d be a rock ‘n roll star! She’d realize her FULL POTENTIAL! He would’ve known what it is to truly LOVE!

The affair partner is just a lifeline out of the stultifying existence you created. Once released from your toxic grip, I’m sure they’ll move on to Greater Things. It’s their destiny after all.

So,  you meddlesome kids, tell me what you did to thwart their ambitions? And how’s that better life working out for them now?

Better yet, how’s it working out for you?

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Lothos
Lothos
6 years ago

Hmm interesting question.

I refused to buy my x-wife a $5,000 king size bed on credit and told her if she controlled her spending and saved some money she could pay cash for it in about 3 to 4 months. Everything went down hill after that.

HOWEVER, the guy she was having an affair with bought her the bed and she had it within 1 week of moving out to her new apartment that he got her.

Overall that was the biggest thing was money. She did not make it but she sure as hell wanted to spend it. At one point she wanted a new (not used) Nissan Armada fully loaded which is about a 40k car. I told her it was a lot of money for a car and it guzzles gas.

Fast forward to today I have no idea how she managed this after the divorce but here are the highlights.

Makes 30k a year
Has a 40k car with a car payment of almost $600 a month
Has a 340k home with a $2500 monthly payment
Has 10k in the bank
BUT she has a TON of debt including credit card debt.

In end she got everything she wanted and now she complains to our daughter she has no money LMAO!

Cheater pants got her wonder fullness all right.

Oh and it would appear the boyfriend she had the affair with (who was also married and is now divorced as well since his x-wife and I spoke to each other) has his name on many of these items left her.

Oh…. the irony!!!!! 🙂

Sunrae
Sunrae
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

I am a new-born chump lurker.

But THIS! oh my. My STBX blames me for everything. “I will never get ahead in life with this family” “I will never be able to travel because of you”. This is a man who left me for his AP who has 4 small children. You think life was hard with us? ha.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunrae

I love it when I hear cheaters end up with hordes of other peoples kids. Give it a year but be prepared for him circling back around to you.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

My ex moved ALPO and her 3 kids in before the ink was dry on the divorce. Now they’re expecting a new baby. Her kids are 3,6 and 15. His kids are 34, 32 and 30. ( he adopted them when his first wife came with them.)

Our kids are 7 and 9 and our son would be 10 had he not passed away. I also have 5 kids from a previous marriage, 29, 27, 25, 24, and 22. Never would consider adopting them.

I wonder why he insists on dating women with young kids. I WILL say that he never, ever was inappropriate with my kids, ever. He’s an asshole, but not THAT BIG of an asshole.

But, it’s weird. It’s not like he cares about kids. He hasn’t given mine the time of day since he left.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

I keep hearing all of these stories about cheating women who also like to spend and are generally high maintenance. It always bothered me that STBX couldn’t appreciate that I was low maintenance. He actually complained that I didn’t go clothes shopping often enough, didn’t get to the hairdresser often enough, didn’t own enough shoes, didn’t use that $300 purse he gave me (I dont’ usually carry a purse).

Maybe were really were just a mismatch. He would have preferred your ex. Her spending would have made him look good. At least he would have appreciated her until her spending got in the way of his spending on himself. Hard to keep the Cessna and pay for the high end cars and fashion.

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
6 years ago

Thats funny . Its exactly how my ex wanker used to criticise me dressing dowdy or not wearing expensive jewelry on a daily basis…i dont think he was worried about my self esteem about looking after myself
..it was more to do with me playing the part of the high maintenance trophy wife to fit the script he had been putting about to everyone behind my back. My evil MIL even felt bold enough to call me a trophy wife to my face after helpfully counselling me against getting out of control with credit card debt cuting the stort of a friend who was bankrupt. Little did she know it was her son doing all the spending and little did i know he was blaming me!!. So when he stole my credit card out of my bag before he took off he had the perfect cover story built into the image he smeared me with. So me and the kids being left high and dry with a few dollars meant that any time i would ask him to help with bills for his OWN KIDS he would scream to everyone i was blackmailung him and trying to extort money out of him. What a complete dick. Its taken me almost 2 years to realise i married someone who was not even a ‘nice’ person.

brit
brit
6 years ago

Inconvenient times must be in their play book. X would want it right as I would be walking towards the door leaving for an appointment. Looking back I don’t believe it was coincidence, he would use those times against me by saying I was never interested, I always turn him down.
Convenience as an excuse for him to feel sorry for himself and find it elsewhere.

I was frugal with our finances, bought clothes on sale, looked for sales when shopping.
X complained that I shopped sales, and ridicule me for being careful with our spending and insisting on having a savings account that would cover our needs for at least three months in the event his company went under or he lost his job.
I dressed casual, I’ve been complemented on my choice of clothing, I don’t think I look homeless. His complaint was I didn’t dress like a Pilot’s wife. WTF?
This coming from someone who needed to be told there were other colors besides grey he could wear. I taught him how to dress and match clothes. While we were dating all his clothes were grey. Grey shirt, pants, socks, belt and the same worn out black shoes or running shoes.
Again, I believe it’s an something else to complain about and justify their cheating.
Remember they do nothing wrong, it’s our fault they had to cheat. No surprise, Brit didn’t dress like a Pilot’s wife. She’s always looking for sales.., and left him with a boner so she’d make her appt… Our good qualities and all what we’ve done for them doesn’t enter their minds.

NeverLookingBack
NeverLookingBack
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

You could literally be describing me and my ex cheater. Are we twins? lol.

I am frugal; always was. He knew this from the start.

He said he wanted to be frugal and that he shared the same ideas as me, but his spendthrift and flashy ways indicated otherwise. He was just parroting me to lure me in. He didn’t really share my values. Clearly!

He hated that I insisted on doing a budget, and that I was trying to save 3 months of wages for our emergency account in case one or both of us lost our jobs or had a large, unexpected/serious expense. He would complain regularly, about saving. If it were up to him, we would have been tits deep in credit card depth with no savings.

That $10,000 I ended up saving for an emergency? Shit I really needed that to pay rent and move come D-Day. I will never not back myself for that. I was right. He’s a boy-man that would only have continued to drag me down.

See you at the sales, girlfriend 😉

Keep being mighty!

MehGloriousMeh
MehGloriousMeh
6 years ago

Same here, ChumpinRecovery. He wanted a constantly hot wife and I was content just being me. When I did try to get all decked out he couldn’t offer me any suggestions about what he was looking for. “It ruins it if it’s not a surprise.” Ummmm…. okay. The constantly moving target of wanting something but no ability to define it. Glad to have found a wonderful guy who actually appreciates that I am low maintenance!

Blindside
Blindside
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

I kept signing the kids up for sports and other activities, so that kept her from being able to get in that “4th workout” every day. Apparently the one before work (with the married personal trainer that she fooled around with), the one at lunch (with the COW boyfriend), and the one after work (with the COW boyfriend) weren’t enough.

She was like a modern day Jane Fonda – except that her cardio workouts took place in parked cars.

Live-n-learn
Live-n-learn
6 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

For real? How does anyone have the energy for that! I try to give my spouse *** once a month and even that wears me out for a couple days after. Thankful to be a faithful wife of 25 years! I can’t imagine how painful that must have been for you.

Lothos
Lothos
6 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

HOLYCOW! Your X was screwing 4 men (counting you) at the same time?

That isn’t about kibbles IMO thats an addiction at that point.

Blindside
Blindside
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

No, just 2 other guys. The COW was the same guy (and he was married too of course). And given the fact that she refused to do anything with me, I’m not sure I’d count me either…..sadly.

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
6 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

I think mine had a twisted image that he was being faithful to his AP! How’s disguising is that?

During and after MC (post DD#1) he’d reject any touching from me, saying it was too much pressure. Wtf? Of course, turns out he was having affairs before, during and after MC.

Our sex was never fulfilling to me. In the early days it was ok — we were young. But it never matured into intimacy. I never got the playfulness, erotic or even the sweet pillowtalk I imagined.

I ask myself now why I didn’t kick his ass to the curb 10 years ago. Oh yeah, I was devoted to my daughter and promised myself I’d never get divorced.

I ended up on the shelf for 7 years. And it was lousy for years before that. I pray that I’ll be able to save my daughter from the same date. That she’ll learn from my mistakes. She’ll make her own fornsure, but I don’t want her to repeat mine.

NeverLookingBack
NeverLookingBack
6 years ago
Reply to  Giddy Eagle

Mine was “faithful” to his AP. The weekend of D-Day he was actually messaging her the whole time, so “worried” about her welfare and if “she was ok.”

Also mine was pretty mediocre in bed. He ejaculated very quickly – but I’m not judgemental. I thought we had a strong emotional connection. I thought we loved each other I would never body shame someone and still wouldn’t.

I remember when he was blaming me for the affair. Saying that it was all my fault; I wasn’t good enough etc.

I literally said to him – “I could have gone and fucked other men because you have premature ejaculation. BUT I DIDN;T.”

He just looked at me blankly. No soul in there behind those cold eyes.

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
6 years ago

I don’t know which is worse. Mine is so addicted to porn/masturbation he can’t get off without running through a gymnastics routine for an hour or more, and sometimes can’t even get off, then. Oh, and its MY fault. I just don’t have the stamina to keep up with him, I’m just not attractive, enthusiastic, whatever. He thinks he’s a stud, but after a while, it is just tedious. Finish, already!!!!

T
T
6 years ago

Argh… mine has been living a porn star fantasy land for months… again.. sending dick pics and masturbation videos to women on Kik.. lol… but he has the same problem.. quick to finish… I’ve been disappointed for years.. yet here I sit… no fooling around… and he’s the one thinking he’s a porn star! Lol. Too many years of this, and an affair a few years ago, which amounted in 3 bj’s.. he couldn’t screw her because he “knew it was wrong”

What a waste of time.

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
6 years ago
Reply to  Giddy Eagle

Yes i think these bastards play the script in their own mind that they are over the marriage…neglect to tell you anything is up …while simultaneously hating on you that youre spoiling their potential fun. In fact at one point- despite me thinking we were getting on just fine except for financial pressures he turned to me with a mwan look on his face and said ” i do everything for you lot (ie his own kids) what about ME” it was such a bizarre comment because it even sounded a childish thing to say under the circumstances of him making all the family and financial plans unilaterally anyway. So as usual i spackled away blaming stress at work. But i remember it clearly because it was his way of convincing himself he was leaving the marriage and cryptically leting me know !? Thats how fucked up with reasoning things through .

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Whodoesthat

Sex is the most glaring example of stbx’s disorder. It is based on his mentality of doing something naughty behind his Mommy’s back. He has a fucked up almost inscestual relationship with her. After he left and before I went no contact, She told me she was never close to him until he was an adult . Wth, what mother says that? It was weird.

There is One incident has brought out a rage like I have never seen before in Stbx. It was something he wrote about in his hate journal and brought it up a lot during my pick me dancing. We had gon to Florida for a valentines get away. We got to our hotel late at night and I was beat. I had been to a funeral for a friend of my daughter that afternoon. This friend was someone who had been to our home on only two occasions and yet my children spoke of him and would ask when he was coming back. He had such a warm personality and a seemingly bright future ahead until he committed suicide. You might say I was emotionally drained. He had picked me up from the funeral to go directly to the airport and I had left my cell phone in the car. I shrugged off but did ask to use his phone to follow up with dd to see how things were going for her.

So hear we are at the hotel and I just want to sleep. Plane rides tend to trigger migraines for me. I guess he tried to initiate sex and I said, can we just cuddle and wait until morning? He finally said ok and waited which I thought was fine. Now he rages that was the most humiliating night of his life because he was standing naked in a hotel room and I did not jump his bones. He was sexually rejected!!! In his hate journal, he refers to the morning sex as make up sex.

Really, married 25 years- 5 kids and he was humiliated by this sexual rejection.

Never mind that he was sleeping with other women without my knowledge.

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
6 years ago
Reply to  Giddy Eagle

So Sex with Dr. Demento, was mechanical. I remember when I first started to live him, I wanted the same level of foreplay and intimacy as we had in the love bombing stage, you know simple things like telling me he loved me. He said, “Sometimes I don’t want to tell you I love you, sometimes I just want to fuck.” SHOULD.HAVE.RUN.

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago

Our sex life was always very ordinary (at best) but I had never thought about it as abusive until I read Lundy Bancroft’s book on abusive relationships. Mine was basically very sexually withholding ie controlling. Initially, in the brief love bombing phase (a long time ago now!) we had sex virtually every day – then, very suddenly he stopped wanting to have sex with me at all for several months. The pattern then evolved into basically once a week always and only when he wanted. He literally rejected every single advance I ever made towards him – 100%, until after 2 or 3 years I just gave up making advances myself. Mostly, I complied when he wanted sex as I was quite sex-starved, and felt I should anyway, and, of course, he would be resentful and punish me if I didn’t. The frequency diminished over the years, even the pretence of intimacy vanished to the point where basically I was, like someone above said, I was simply a receptacle. Now, when I think about it, I’m sure he was very influenced in his sexuality by porn, and how much I was just an object, never mind his lack of empathy generally. In the last couple of years ours was a sexless marriage. He had gradually found it harder and harder to sustain his own performance and I’m guessing that was because of outside interests – and I had the temerity to gain weight (not that much but when there is no genuine intimacy and you are only a wanking tool that would obvious make it more difficult). He had no concept of me having my own sexual desires, thought of me as someone with a low libido (not true – just quashed by years of rejection and general contempt) and blamed me for the lack of our sex life. I have lost more than half of that weight I gained (I know it shouldn’t matter but I am feeling more confident in my body again) already and, although I’m not quite at the point of wanting to do anything about it, starting to quite like the thought of a possible future sexual relationship where it was actually fun – and sexy! I had it in previous relationships but that was all more than 20 years ago. I had sort of resigned myself to never having that again, but the thought that it is at least a possibility, is kind of nice. I will be very alert for those (numerous!!) red flags next time around though!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

Mine always wanted it at inconvenient times. I always felt like it was a test to prove how much I wanted him but now I see an even more sinister side to it. He knew how much the after cuddle meant to me. So why would he want it so bad five minutes before my morning alarm went off, or five minutes before we had to leave for somewhere when he knew there would be no time for a cuddle. He was deliberately trying to deny me a part of the experience that was important to me so he could complain that I didn’t really seem to enjoy making love to him. Well, maybe if he had paid a little more attention to meeting my needs I would have.

brit
brit
6 years ago

ringinonmyownbell, X would say, I just want to bang one out, once we were married foreplay became limited to none existent. Rarely touched me unless it was to “bang one out.” I asked why things had changed since we got married, he laughed and said, that was only to get in your pants.
What was I thinking?? So many times, especially after finding CN, I’ve wondered why I stayed and allowed myself to accept so much disrespect.
X made no effort to be intimate, or playful, or cuddle.
When we did have sex, he’d either fall asleep on his side or jump up to go downstairs to watch TV. When I’d ask for him to cuddle, or hold me, he’d say no. he’s an active guy, he’s always got to be moving. What did that make me? a lazy slob?
I didn’t see much movement while he sat in front of his computer or TV.

There were also the times when he had ED, or would be disinterested for long periods of time. I dismissed my gut feelings that he had been with someone, now that I’m wiser (thanks CN) there’s not a doubt in my mind that he’d been with someone.

SoldieringOn
SoldieringOn
6 years ago

I’d get comments like “You never want to get it on” or “Why do I have to start it?”. When I would make advances to him, he’d just lay there, or refuse to kiss me, or even put his arm up and present his elbow to my face so I couldn’t approach him. Made it a little hard to start a romantic encounter.

Any wonder why our sex life was a little scant???

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Giddy Eagle

Giddy I also was on the shelf for 7 years. Basically he never had sex with me after our daughter was born. Every time I tried to flirt or start something up, he would say “Maybe if you were nicer” “Oh now you like me?” etc. After a while of this I gave up trying. I think this is the part about the affair(s) that hurt me so deeply. I was here all the time, begging for connection, and was constantly rejected by my own husband for most of our marriage. When d-day hapened 7 months ago, I was devastated. Why? Why did he cheat when I was right here willing? I can’t prove it, but I now believe he was cheating all along.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
6 years ago
Reply to  Giddy Eagle

Giddy, same.

I can remember only one period of time I felt truly connected to my husband sexually. That was our honeymoon and the first six months of marriage. After that, I became just a receptacle to him. It hurt me deeply.

spiritwoman
spiritwoman
6 years ago

Ironically I always felt connected to my now XH, and thought he was too. We had sex 5 times/wk on average and it was definitely fulfilling. However, once he started his on line affair he kept wanting the sex until on time he didn’t seem into it. He had fell in love with his soulmate, whom he had never met and she lived half a world away.

SO apparently he decided after a few weeks that he wanted to marry her and dump me, that’s when the sex stopped because as he said he felt like he was “cheating on her”. Gag me still makes me want to throw up.

What’s worse is that he used to say I was “the best” all the time but now he could only fantasize about what it would be like with her, especially since they had the soulmate connection. He practically killed my self esteem when declared that we had never made love because he had NEVER been in love with me.

So yeah, fuck him, NOT, I embarrasingly admit that I was pick-me-fucking until I realized that you can never compete with a fantasy. The last time we had sex was the only time I have felt nasty, degraded and used in all my sexual relations ever.

Blindside
Blindside
6 years ago
Reply to  Giddy Eagle

I think my wife denied me because she had already discarded me in her mind. Sure I was good enough to keep around to pay her student loans, make her car payments, and help maintain our household, but I wasn’t worthy of her attention beyond that.

So I think she viewed denying me as more of a punishment for me than anything else.

Baffled
Baffled
6 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Blindside, I think my ex was similar. He had me and our two children for the sake of impression management and for keeping up the house. X was utterly repelled by the idea of investing any time or effort into me beyond securing me in the first place. So sick and so sad.

kb
kb
6 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

While not always the case, often it seems as if the faithful spouse gets the discard with respect to bedroom activities. It’s not the case of the Chump not liking those activities, but more that the Cheater just can’t seem to be as interested.

My own suspicion is that Chumps can’t compete with affair sex, even if that sex is 2 minutes in the back of the minivan avoiding pizza boxes. Unlike married sex, which is generally available when you’re interested, affair sex involves planning. The fantasy and emotional build up substitute for actual foreplay. There’s the thrill of the potential for getting caught.

Once the Chump exits the marriage, then the affair sex no longer has quite the same allure it once did.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  kb

True!
There was a point where he wouldn’t kiss me but would complain I didn’t want to have sex. I’m convinced it was so he could blame our sexless marriage when he did get caught.

I hope you all find love again with a worthy individual because sex with someone who is into you and cares about you is AMAZING!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  kb

The faithful spouse still gets the blame, however. “I had an affair because we weren’t having sex anymore”, or often enough, or the right kind or whatever.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
6 years ago
Reply to  kb

Yep. X and the neighbor were into hitting each other, and sneaking around trying to be the gossip of the neighborhood. I don’t want to compete with that! I like to think I’m more evolved, I actually learn from living, and sex is about connection and yes, love.
I think they both have arrested development, trying to be naughty? Give me a break!

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
6 years ago
Reply to  kb

KB, excellent point. Us needy, chumpy Chumps want a level of intimacy and trust when we have sex with our significant other.

Cheaters just want to fuck.

willowchumpx30
willowchumpx30
6 years ago

That’s it! they just want to fuck! That explains years and years of no foreplay, no physical touching and barely looking at me during sex. most times it was a wake up poke in the back and I am expected to be fully aroused? ha! well dude; in the words of lauren ruth ward, I can make love to myself (better and more satisfying than you)

LeeLeeG
LeeLeeG
6 years ago

I agree, Chutes! Sex with my husband was a “sacred” thing to me. I don’t fuck for fucking’s sake. She did. But she did because it was all she had to hang onto him. She was disposable and she knew it. She had nothing, was nothing – that’s all she had to keep him attached and interested. Of course, they never consider that the treatment that we Chumps get OUTSIDE of the bedroom directly affect what we do INSIDE the bedroom. If you’re treating me like shit and being disrespectful, distant and trying to find every excuse not to be home…uhhh…yeah. That might impact whether or not I might to share that thing with you that I actually hold in high regard – that should be kept between me and you – that WE…together…cultivated and shared together and was uniquely OURS. Welp…not anymore. The fact that she knows the exact same shit that I do? Devastating. Heartbreaking. That shit was MINE and he had no right to give it away.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago

I’e come to realize that the sweetest kibbles to my X was probably to fuck around while deceiving me, he was such a stud, and oh chumpy me, I was too trusting…

Of course, his rationale was that if I didn’t know about it, it would not hurt me… His fucking around had nothing to do with the fact that I haven’t had a normal pap result since around the time he started his affair with gradwhore…

StrawberryJellyfish
StrawberryJellyfish
6 years ago

Oh me! I did!

After I found out after the affair he informed me that part of the reason was because of his decades long unhappiness since according to him he “never wanted to move to *city in the Midwest* and he never wanted to get married or have a baby but I pressured him all into it.” When he told me that I asked why he didn’t say anything earlier and he insisted that I would have just made him anyway. (Shit, man, I wish I had known I had that Power I would have used it for much better things!) Apparently he has wanted to move to Southern California with his college buddies to relive the glory days and continue recording music as a band.

Okay….

So now he’s living in the exact same house in the Midwest with a new mistress wife and a step daughter in addition to his. Money is a ton tighter than it ever was with me. But he does seem to go out to So Cal to visit his college buddies once a year and once they did a little recording. But he did that when we were married so pretty much nothing has changed for him. But it’s probably all my fault somehow. I will say that I told him if he wants to move to California I’m totally fine raising our daughter alone. So don’t let us stand in the way of his great music career. He didn’t take the offer, funny how that worked out.

NeverLookingBack
NeverLookingBack
6 years ago

Oh! Girl! Same!

I ‘disempowered’ and ‘entrapped him.’ He never wanted a house, marriage or kids, but funny how when I asked him when we first met, and multiple times since then, he would go on and on about how he wanted what I wanted… saying that we were “going to grow old together” and even adding further embellishments like hearing the ‘the little pitter patter of tiny feet’ in our home.

Luckily (for me) we never bought the house or had the kids.

Because come D-Day, he told me that his life would be amazing if it wasn’t for me. That I was essentially, holding him back from his ‘true, vibrant self.’

And, even more – that when he died, he didn’t want to look back and think that his life had been wasted. That he had been an emotionless, unhappy robot! OMG! The dramah! He even had me hating me for a second!

Because everything wrong with the world that was MY fault. Clearly. I had driven him to cheat!

Fucking wanker.

Happy he’s gone.

ChumpedupChik
ChumpedupChik
6 years ago

NLB – omg! I’m sorry – what a colossal fuckstick. Good riddance

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago

Strawberry Jellyfish,
Mine wanted to be a professional poker player or have his own fishing show.
Apparently, being married to me and raising a family was the reason neither of those dreams were realized. I suck…..I’m a killer of dreams.
The part that you touched on that just blows my mind is that all he did was trade down. I’m not speaking of the mistress he left us for, I’m talking about how now he’s got a girlfriend he lives with, is raising her 9yr old girl and 12yr old boy (our kids are D20,S26) he lives in this shitty rental house ( I got the house,alimony, pension, 401k). He can’t afford to fish OR play poker…..
I don’t get it. The life he has now is exactly what he described as what he hated about being married to me, all carpool and dance recitals. She even has a pug and he hates dogs.
He’s living the life we had 15 years ago….but now he’s too poor to leave even her.
Do they not think a step or two ahead when they do this shit?

FarBetterOff
FarBetterOff
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

His own fishing show???? Wow. Just. Wow.

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Paintwidow, you cracked me up! Thank you!

He wanted “his own fishing show.”

An aspiration that I find amusing. Dreams of fishing show glory.

IIWII
IIWII
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

StrawberryJellyfish & Paintwidow – I can relate to both you its almost scary!

StrawberryJellyfish – The POSH told me after DDay that he never wanted to move from central Texas to north Texas, never wanted to get married, never wanted to buy a home, never wanted to have a baby. DDay was 2 months before my daughter was born. EVERYTHING I forced him to do. He said he was no longer willing to sacrifice his happiness for me. I told him “well i’m glad you finally grew a pair of balls. I feel sorry that you let me control your life because you were too damn scared to be a man and leave me sooner”. He swears I gave him an ultimatum. The only thing I ever told him was “I want children. If you do not want children then we shouldn’t be together”. This was back when we were dating! That’s a normal conversation to have when you are in a new relationship to determine if yall want the same thing! Maybe that is an ultimatum but it wasn’t something I was willing to sacrifice. He always talked about us having kids. It wasnt until the OW got hired that he decided he didn’t want kids. Shocker…
He never took responsibility for his own life. Throughout our relationship he always threw it in my face “well we live here because of you. I moved here because you wanted to be near your family.” so many times I told him “we can live wherever you want! I will follow you anywhere. but you have to go find your job there. I am not quiting my job first when you haven’t done anything to move where you want to go.” He is STILL at this job, now living with a girl that works for him, and her family is from this area! I think its safe to say he doesn’t plan on leaving north texas.

PaintWidow – the POSH is a huge gambler and fisher. Gambling is a classic trait of narcissist. The POSH skipped his grandfathers funeral to go to Vegas. He argued with all of his family that the trip was planned months ago and he would lose all his reservation money. Meanwhile I drove 5 hours to be attend the funeral without him while he was in Vegas. (should have been a red flag but I spackled…) 2 days after we brought our daughter home from the hospital he said to me “I’m going fishing. Just because you have to be stuck in this house with her doesn’t mean I have to be. I’m not giving up my hobbies for yall”. Now whether or not he went fishing or to the OW is irrelevant at this point.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  IIWII

Oh I have a friend going through this right now. Husband never wanted to get married or have kids or own a home or…or…or. 17 years, a house, 2 kids (oldest 14) later and he decided to tell her this…after she asked why he took his computer with him on a solo vacation.

My friend is currently spackling like crazy because she says she can’t raise her kids on her own. It’s OK I’ll just be over here waiting with a hug and the number to my kick ass attorney.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  IIWII

Ha. When my STBX wanted to move us half way across the country I said “we can’t move unless one of us gets a job there”. So he found me a job there and we moved. He is the one who found the job posting and filled out the application then sprung me with the news when I got home from work that day. I will admit, the job was a good fit so I took over and did my part to land it after that, but still.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

“Do they not think a step or two ahead when they do this shit?”

No

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago

LOL, yes, if only we realized what power we had over their lives… Idjits.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago

He was just switching out kibble sources. It’s an open question for me where their grandiosity (“I could be the greatest if only for you”) plays into their cheating.

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
6 years ago

I’m sure his excuse now is that he can’t leave to pursue his dreams because of his daughter and needing “to be there for her.” Not that he gives a shit; it’s just his excuse for why he isn’t as sparkly as he could be.

mutterchump
mutterchump
6 years ago

Mine always dreamed of being governor. Somehow the fact that he’s not is all my fault — it has nothing to do with the fact he never got off his computer (surfing porn and sexting) and actually did any of the work that would lead to elected office. Also, I kept him from attending fancy embassy parties. I’m honestly not sure how that happened, since he was never invited to any.

He was sure, though, with each and every affair partner and cybersex partner, that she would be the one who could propel him to greatness. Not sure how that works with a semi-literate 25-year-old stripper with a domestic violence conviction, but I obviously lack imagination.

But now that I’ve got all his emails, phone messages, sexts, porn, and fetish chats from the last 12 years, I can guarantee you that he will never, ever be governor now. [insert Hamilton gif here]

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  mutterchump

Ok. Just so we’re in context here and since we’ve got people from across the pond here… are you talking a governor of a state, like here in the US? Doesn’t governor mean something different in the U.K.?

Just want to understand fully.

ChumpedTwice
ChumpedTwice
6 years ago
Reply to  mutterchump

Mutterchump, so sorry for your “lack of imagination”! And shame on you for keeping your pig of an X from all those fancy-schmancy parties! But I’m sure his “semi-literate 25-year-old stripper with a domestic violence conviction” will fit in fine if he ever does get one of them. Which he won’t with all the dirt you have on him! LOL

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
6 years ago
Reply to  mutterchump

Haha! Mutterchump – I too laughed out loud. Priceless!

“He was sure, though, with each and every affair partner and cybersex partner, that she would be the one who could propel him to greatness. Not sure how that works with a semi-literate 25-year-old stripper with a domestic violence conviction, but I obviously lack imagination.”

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  mutterchump

Ok so maybe you are the reason he can’t be elected now (you have the evidence), but that wasn’t true before he cheated on you.

Alexandra
Alexandra
6 years ago
Reply to  mutterchump

What a fool! He was supposed to have the sex scandal AFTER he was elected to office. Hasn’t he ever watched the news!?

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  mutterchump

I guess you made him throw away his shot…

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Loving the Hamilton allusions!

Awake
Awake
6 years ago
Reply to  mutterchump

LOL! this one made me laugh out loud for real. Oh my goodness. What a fantasy world they live in! Thanks for the giggles on this Friday morning.

Luziana
Luziana
6 years ago
Reply to  mutterchump

Never Gonna Be President Now!

https://goo.gl/images/KX9Mg4

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
6 years ago
Reply to  mutterchump

Well, to his credit, a semi-literate 25 year-old stripper with a criminal background IS more likely to be invited to embassy parties than he is… but as her cuckold, he’s too stupid to realize that the invitation would *not* extend to him.

mutterchump
mutterchump
6 years ago

insistonhonesty, that is an excellent point! Ha!

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
6 years ago
Reply to  mutterchump

Mutter that made me laugh out loud!!!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  mutterchump

Yay!

Too bad his contemporaries that do make it to office will likely share in his recreational tastes. I’ve known many politicians, enough to know I wish I didn’t know about the BS and shenanigans that run rampant in those circles. I generally say that the only reason they aren’t all embroiled in scandal is that they share a “gentleman’s agreement” that they will all stay mum about one another’s torrid secrets so they can all keep engaging in them.

But when an outsider has the data? Different ball game. You go, Mutterchump.

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

Kunty Kibbler told MC #1 that she was promised the opportunity to go to patisserie school once our daughters reached a certain age and after we moved back to Massachusetts after living in the Midwest for 3 years.

MC called her on her bullshit. KK ended 15 minutes on the topic by saying, “I feel like I was promised something, and whenever I bring it up all I hear (from UXworld) is ‘no, no, no’.”

MC said, “But UXworld isn’t saying no. I’ve heard him say several times, ‘let’s find a way to make it work, come up with a plan for how this can happen without going into debt we can’t manage’.”

He sent her home with an assignment to start such a plan, but of course she never did anything but look up schools online.

I often reflect on how I dodged a bullet — I shudder to think about how much deep shit I’d be in if went into debt to satisfy her sudden need to become whatever she thought she was going to be, and cheated anyway.

(No indications yet that this continues to be an issue for her, or if Rider of the Purple Dildo is inclined to indulge it. I doubt it seriously. Most likely, it was a way to demonstrate how I was at fault for her unhappiness.)

NeverLookingBack
NeverLookingBack
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

ba ha ha! Oh god… A PROFESSIONAL CAKE MAKER. I can’t.

You gotta laugh or you’ll cry.

But trust a cheater to just look up schools online but never actually come up with a realistic plan to achieve anything. But then whinge and blame everything on their chump.

Lucky
Lucky
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

You dodged a giant bullet on that one!
XH gave up a rather well paying job to go back to school for 7 years.
I will give him credit – he graduated and works in his field. He is very intelligent.

However, enter Miss Piggy during his Masters degree. So, not only does he meet his soul mate at school while I raise small children and juggle married life with limited financial and emotional support but he ends the marriage with BD the first week of HIS new career.

Can you say sucker?!?!
Thank God KC had no follow through on her education – let her figure that one out on her own!!!

nodancing
nodancing
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Mine named all sorts of issues with me and the only thing that infuriated him more than the supposed problems was me solving them.

Differently Chumped
Differently Chumped
6 years ago
Reply to  nodancing

Yes! This. I am in the same boat. Thank you for the chuckle.

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I love this!!! ????????????

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

LOL! If only she could MAKE the cake, then she wouldn’t have to be chasing it endlessly…

Happily ever after
Happily ever after
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I caught it and thought “now that’s some kind of tart”

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
6 years ago

Slow clap for this gem, Happily!

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Good laugh Chump Lady! Of course KK didn’t pursue this. What cheater actually makes cake for anyone? It’s much better when served to them by a chump.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Bwahahahahaha!

Awesome to start off the day with a healthy laugh. 🙂

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

LOL! True! I didn’t see that until you pointed it out. ????

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I yield to your greatness, CL — I did not make that immediate connection.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Yes, that’s some irony there.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

What she really wanted was for you to go to patisserie school and make cakes for her. That’s why she never made a proper plan, just whinged.

coolbreezeout
coolbreezeout
6 years ago

Let’s see:
I had the children we both agreed we wanted. That of course, ‘ruined’ my body, so he needed to look at porn to see those perfect bodies he desired.
Then, I actively parented the children we both agreed we wanted. Left me a bit tired to be working full time, pretty much solo parenting, and solo cleaning the house, and solo cooking. Then, I was selfish enough to try to get three of four hours of sleep at night, so he just ‘had’ to go jack off to porn.
I encouraged him to ‘be careful’ since he had visions of being his old teenage self and running marathons. Then, I was a big ‘downer’ is telling him that I thought he hurt himself in his ‘trainings’. And then, I didn’t kiss his boo boo enough when he had indeed fractured his leg trying to become a big running start and impress all the girls on porn hub.
I spent too much time working, since I was always trying to get in extra hours as we seemed to not be financially where we should have been for the amount of money we made. Silly me, didn’t account for his paying webcam girls for ‘private sessions’ and sending them birthday gifts so he would get special attention in chat rooms.
I also ‘got fat’ because I gained five pounds in thirteen years of marriage. That, of course, kept him from having the ‘hot wife’ he deserved.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  coolbreezeout

Mine complained that we only had three children instead of the four he wanted but also complained that the kids got too much of my attention. So having that fourth child was supposed to free up more time for him?

Kettle
Kettle
6 years ago

You see when you have four children it’s an even number so you can pair them up, tell them to hold hands and then lock them outside for hours at a time while you wait on the fifth, overgrown child you married.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago
Reply to  coolbreezeout

Coolbreezeout your post really hits home. What a shithead. I had the same shithole husband and it’s infuriating. Sir Narc A Lot believed that me bringing up planning for the child that we both planned on having caused him complete mental overload that he could be stuck with a wife with stretch marks *gasp!* and that I would no longer be a proper “sexy boat ornament” in a bikini. Because of the chance he would get his wife pregnant he now needed to only jerk off. And now I was disgusting because I was also 5 pounds more than on our wedding day. If I had a dark tan I wouldnt have ruined our marriage and forced him onto Tinder and I also left him no choice but to spend our money on full nude lap dances. And my jeans… If I didn’t wear jeans he wouldn’t have cheated because other women wear mini skirts???? I wasn’t living up to my full potential because I sometimes wore pajamas after working a 10 hour day and serving him dinner and dessert… so ya know… the sight of me was horrifying in my pajamas so he needed to watch Web cam girls on his phone. Then he needed to text our friends to tell them I was wearing pajamas and am a horror of a typical wife. He too didn’t have the hot wife he deserved so he was totally justified because i forced him to be a lying cheating stealing piece of shit. My medium tanned skin was not as tan as strippers and prostitutes so my fault. He told me he was marrying me a couple months after I met him but my parents forced him to marry me and he’s pissed off now that he didn’t get a paid tropical honeymoon… we just got a paid regular island honeymoon. Poor fucker was dooped again! He wanted a wife that made more money than him… so that’s what I did. I’m younger but I managed to make more money than him… buttttt… other women have more time to text him all fucking day. Again I ruined his dreams because I texted him every 20 minutes. The whores can text every minute. I am the biggest disappointment and my abuse for the last 2 years was my fault. because jeans. because slow texting thumb. because skin color. because “cheap” in-laws. because pajamas.

MehGloriousMeh
MehGloriousMeh
6 years ago

because jeans. SO TRUE!

because walks
because weight
because anal
because brains
because facials
because religion

Simplest list I ever made. Stupidest one, too.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  MehGloriousMeh

Because we’re human and they are shallow puddles

Perfectlife
Perfectlife
6 years ago
Reply to  coolbreezeout

Sooo…my STBX! Everything is about me not being good enough, sexy enough, fun enough, and going places with him. When it was really just about his poor “whittle winky”!!
How about spend a tiny, tiny bit of the time you’re spending on porn trying to be a good husband. Seriously! Who wants a guy who gets all his moves from pornhub and Craigslist bitches. I mean damn! My husband kept trying to do terribly weird stuff to me over the years and I had no idea what he wanted or how to make him feel satisfied in anyway! How could I?! I am as busy being a normal human being raising 3 awesome kids and working my full time teaching job and part time nights at our local college (more time for winky and prohub and more money for prostitution). I had no clue what I was up against until I saw his mygoogleactivity. If you have their email and password , google “myactivity google”. You can see EVERYTHING they have ever googled while logged in to their email. And- there is NO legal assumption of privacy for married people. The computer is in your house and he is your spouse. There is no assumption of privacy. I have had two lawyers tell me this and they are GOOD lawyers. Anyway- once I saw his google searches and could click on the porn he was watching – it was like “oh my GOD!” This is what he wanted!!!???? This is what he was trying to act out with me?!!! Plus I found the most horrible pictures of him and this 50+bisexual doing things with rope and black binder clips that are nauseating to anyone with normal mental health.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Perfectlife

Black binder clips? Ouch. What was their safe word–Office Max?

Sunny
Sunny
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, I love you. You’ve just made my week. 😀

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Thanks Tempest, afternoon coffee all over the desk.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

LOL Tempest! I had a vision of Miracle Max’s face for Office Max…

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  coolbreezeout

Good Lord. Hyperfocused on skeevy sex much, Sir Cheatsalot?

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago

Oh if it wasn’tfor me Narkles the Clown would be a millionaire, with all my buying food for the child and clothes for his growing body. I just bled him dry. Apparently all those posh Vegas restaurants I never went to have “whores eat free” specials and living a double life and supporting his Flying Whore habit didn’t cost anything it was all those peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or my dreaded habit of making my own lunch or just skipping it at work while he dined out every day. All the drama of being on the brink of financial failure. I don’t miss that. LOL

Proud to say I have no idea how it’s going for him other than someone told me he is applying for jobs that make half what he was making when we were together and he can’t get these jobs without a college degree. I can’t count the times he told me I was stupid for spending the money to get one.

As for me. I kept my house, my car, all my retirement and 90% of what was in the house. I’ve managed to keep it all without going into debt. Yes, I can afford everything on my own, all the peanut butter and jelly my kid can stomach, it’s on me! I can keep everything humming on my salary which is about one third of what Narkles the Clown made without going into debt. My son is doing great. I sleep in peace. I have found love again. I have a great job where I flourish. I am on top of the world!

#Footloose&CheaterFree

CeliA
CeliA
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Yay for you AoK!!

IllbutChill
IllbutChill
6 years ago

Me? I developed a permanent incurable disability. After him berating and dumping on me, expecting me to deal with his sociopathic mother FOR him ( hell no), expecting me to stay at a job where I was abused daily so he could have his art studio after I’d developed spastic colon and had surgery, after I had children and he refused me even part time help so I was alone with them all day every day (he went to his clubs and events and barely broke stride while I went without a shower for days) I got sick. Any “vacation” was a death march and more than five hours sleep was frowned on.

When the paralysis first hit he would yank the sheets off the bed and scream WHERE ARE YOUR DREAMS? He lied to people and called me lazy. On and on. At the doctor office he was Mr Compassion but as soon as we left?

We aren’t together anymore but he’s stopped paying my deductibles and expects me to pay him back for everything when he makes $200K and I get $12k a year. Of course it’s all my fault. I got sick and have severe chronic pain ON PURPOSE. He owns two boats and fully loaded Mercedes. But I’m bankrupting him by continuing to be sick.

Over the years 90% of people realized he’s a liar. That’s my fault too. LOL

and she was
and she was
6 years ago
Reply to  IllbutChill

IBC -Please get an attorney asap and file. Get temporary financial ordersHe’s pissing away community funds and you have a right to your share of that money. Get access to accounts that contain marital assets Don’t wait till it’s gone! . My attorney cautioned me specifically not to stop paying for his health coverage- a case here where husband cut off wife’s healthcare and ended up paying back premiums, out of pockets, and attorney fees to her. There’s a big imbalance in your incomes. The court will do something to help- I’m no fan of family court but surely you will do better than what’s happening now. Wish you the best.

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago

He lost all of his best staff members. I helped them secure other jobs just before I left the country, and they all abandoned him at once (about 1 week after I left). They didn’t want to stay working for him once they knew I was gone for good. He never paid them right, and he treated them badly. Just a chauvanistic pig! The staff and I made it look like they had all just coincidently received better job offers. So, he was none the wiser that they’d left due to him being a major asshole and me not coming back. As he didn’t know I was not coming back until about 6weeks later. They all kept quiet. Team work ????????

Also, I don’t know if I should share this, but WTH, you only live once. And I know y’all would love this one – during my days of snooping for evidence post-DDay, I discovered that some of his relatives (who were also living in the same country we were living and working in) were running an illegal business and also didn’t have the right work visas. They too had staff members they were underpaying and treating like crap. They’d been doing it for many years, and I had had no idea!! I had thought it was a legit business. But, nope! So…after I left him at the airport and was back in my home country with the kids, I contacted a friend back in that country who had contacts with immigration officers, and told them what I knew. His relatives were visited by immigration officers exactly 2 weeks later, detained, then deported to their home country within a matter of days. They have been blacklisted for 3 years. Now he has no relatives living in that country with him. He’s living there all alone, with no family members. Just like I was. Hope the schmoopies were worth it!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago

Wow, LHATA! I’m a couple of days late (speaking of airports, I’ve Just spent 24 hours inside five different airplanes), but I Just have to compliment you for this feat. Continue taking Care of YOU!

BTW, I saw the Wizard of Lies on the flight entertainment. Chump Lady should comment one day on Ruth Madoff. I Just gasped at the last scene where BernieBoy asks Henriques if she thinks he is a sociopath like Ted Bundy. My fellow passenger jumped when I banged the tray and almost shouted “Yes!”.

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

ClearWaters, thank you ???? And yes, I am taking good care of myself and the kids. Life is great back home with family. We are very blessed.

I haven’t seen Wizard of Lies, must check it out!

And if there are any film producers out there interested in my story, hit me up ???? Just kidding ???? (No, not kidding ????)

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago

Left Him at the Airport,

This is priceless ! Made my day to hear a story of schadenfreude

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago

I should mention – we were living in a “developing” country, where it is very easy for people in power/with money to manipulate the local, poor population. Local staff are fantastic, yet severely underpaid and under appreciated. It was easy to find them other jobs – I enlisted some of my close local friends to help me find them better jobs. So, when they all left him at once, his life was thrown into chaos for quite a while, as these had been staff members he had had for many years. They were good at their job and could be trusted. It was hard for him to find staff to replace them, because he had to start from zero again, with new people. I heard he went through several different staff members and rotations before he managed to get his skeleton staff secured. Suffer, asshole, suffer ????

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thank you! Yes, and I actually discovered that he too was doing a lot of crooked things. I could have easily gotten him deported along with them. And I wanted to. But I held off on the advice of my friend with the immigration contacts. She said to not give him an excuse to stop paying child support (if he gets deported, he’ll lose his job and have difficulty finding employment back in his home country). So, I let him be.

Oh, and he has no idea that it was ME who got his family members deported. No idea. At all. Clueless. Doesn’t even know I have a friend with immigration contacts. #UnderestimatedMeYetAgain ????

CeliA
CeliA
6 years ago

Underestimating us fellow chumps is the cheater’s choice of drug and is also ultimately their undoing.

comment image

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago
Reply to  CeliA

I know, I LOVE that he underestimated me. Totally thought I was a clueless bitch. I really played dumb leading up to my departure, which helped keep him in that line of thinking. He still thinks I’m dumb. But there’s plenty I know that he doesn’t know, and he would have no idea. Example; only a few days ago, one of his old staff members reported to me that he now has a new car. Valuable piece of info that was, because he has been trying to stop paying child support, claiming he’s broke and cannot afford it. Bahahahahaha, speak more liar to me honey, I love it! He tried to not pay this month, and I kept pushing for it, knowing he absolutely had the money and was just being a tightwad. He paid late, more than halfway through the month. No biggie – just means the next isntallment comes quicker now! And he won’t wanna try his “I’m broke” shit on me when he doesn’t want to pay. Because I know about the new 4WD, sweetie ???????? #KnowledgeIsPowerMyFriend #MehLifeIsGrand

Living a Nightmare Live
Living a Nightmare Live
6 years ago

That is brilliant! Like they think about us, “You don’t know do you?” I love it! You just inspired me to keep pressing on. My nightmare is starting to take a turn CN! Just a little while longer!

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago

Wow, Nightmare Live, it warms the cockles of my heart knowing that your nightmare is taking a turn. I hope it’s almost over for you. Hang in there! I too was living a nightmare – luckily for me I only had to fly under the radar and fake it for about 5months. It was a mad time, I don’t know how I got through it. Had no appetite, lost a lot of weight (which I have put back on, DOH!), had to pretend that I didn’t know anything. It was indeed a nightmare.

And yes, it’s f**king fabulous knowing that he has no idea about the part I played in having his relatives deported. They aren’t nice people. Always treated the local people as though they were beneath them. High and mighty. I can’t stand that shit. So, I was happy to help send them packing!

BONUS part – I am good friends with his cousin, the daughter of his relatives that were deported. (She has no idea either, none of them do.) But, it worked out better for her that her family are back home, anyway. She has a son with a disability, and she has to work full time. Now that her family are back with her in their home country, they are helping her take care of him while she works (they have time on their hands, as only one of them has been able to secure employment back home). She is constantly telling me how happy she is that they finally came home (they had been gone for more than 12 years), albeit under weird circumstances (being deported and blacklisted). So, I grinned even wider about it all – because cheaterpants has no idea what I did (haha, I know something you don’t know, wanker!), and BONUS, his lovely cousin now has her family back home to help her, and is elated! Win-win. ????????

Beth
Beth
6 years ago

Brilliant! Oh my gosh, you are my hero LHATA that is fucking amazing.

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

I know! I’m still amazed that it even happened ???????? I told immigration what I knew, and didn’t know if/when they were going to approach the relatives in question. And 2 weeks later they were on his relatives’ doorstep. I think I was lucky, as it was all very timely – immigration had been on a several-months blitz of trying catching foreigners working illegally in the country. So, they were eager to follow up my tip-off.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago

This should be a movie.

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

ANC, I know, it doesn’t seem real. But it all really happened. When I sit back and think about what occurred and what i did, I don’t even know how I managed to pull it all off!?

I think Chump Lady should be a TV series, as there are some great plot lines from Chump Nation. My story is particularly juicy because I left him at the airport, in the foreign country we were living in, with him none the wiser of my plans. I was going with the kids on one of my regular biannual trips back home to see family, and he was staying behind in the country to work (and screw hookers). He had no idea that I knew about his double life, and had no idea that I was actually leaving him for good. That shock announcement dumbfounded him about 6weeks later, after I had spent the time back home lawyering up and going down all the legal pathways to ensure I could separate from him and have custody of the kids.

My story is also a little unique in that I was lucky enough to have had a major ally during my post-DDay “snooping and collating evidenced phase” – a disgruntled employee of his (who was still working for him at the time) that volunteered a wealth of information and reports of his whereabouts on the daily. I don’t any other chump that’s had that, so I consider myself extremely lucky because I had a huge advantage.

My story also involves 3 countries, with 3 different languages and cultures. Its all a bit messed up – in that intriguing, crazy TV series kinda way ????

deedee
deedee
6 years ago

For my Ex, only his work was important. Everything else – including me – was just in the way. So now he lives with his barely literate sugar-baby whore who has no interest in him outside of his money.

I have to say, he truly is happy now. He never wanted a partnership, and hated the demands of being in a real relationship. Now, he just needs to open his wallet and everybody’s happy. Sugar-baby can go shopping, and he has all the unobstructed time in the world to be with his first and only Twu Wuv – his work.

kb
kb
6 years ago
Reply to  deedee

Were we married to the same Cheater?

Mine was a workaholic. He grudgingly took me out to dinner once per week, and then stopped that because take-out was easier. He didn’t want to cultivate any friends at work, which is ironic as that’s where he met Schmoopie, and refused invitations to go out with them so that we could expand our social circle. When my grad school friends moved away, he declined meeting up with my colleagues and work friends.

Apparently my problem was that I never acknowledged his greatness. So many other people around him also failed to recognize his genius, too. Schmoopie did, though. She was one of his employees, and as soon as he started buying lunch for his office, she realized just how great he was.

It’s not working out so well, though. She filed for divorce less than a year after they married. Apparently she recognizes greatness as measured by other people’s money. Who could have seen that coming?

I’m sure he’s now trying to seek adulation from some other woman he meets at work.

MurphyCee
MurphyCee
6 years ago

My ex was going to have a chain of restaurants. It was my illness that prevented it. Of course there was also the fact that he couldn’t delegate and people hated working for him……..but it was my illnesses that held him back.

Now with his new GF he sold the restaurant and is some sort of catering chef for a local college. Livin the dream baby!

The good news is she let him (or perhaps purchased for him) a waverunner, so every weekend he drives 2 hours to where it is docked, drives around on it for 2 hours then drives home. Good times, eh?

Oh – I forgot – I didn’t kiss him like I loved him. Which is true. I kissed him like I might get a disease.

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago

“I have a right to be fucking happy!” =
You are not the boss of me and I should be able to cheat, lie, overspend to the point of bankruptcy, be a substance abuser of anything I can get my hands on,
not go to work if I don’t feel like it, eat out every meal, always drive a new fancy luxury vehicle so I look wealthy, and be the amazing person that I know I will be.
Plus I have a perfectly symmetrical face and should be acting in film.
(The last sentence was a direct quote.)
Makes me feel like an idiot that I wasted 10 years with such a super colossal wanker.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Nejla

Nejla,
The joke is on him.
He is “acting in a film.”

YOU are not an idiot,
YOU are mighty!

((((Hugs))))
Peacekeeper

RealityCheck
RealityCheck
6 years ago

Not married, but my ex boyfriend of 6 years confessed he cheated on me with a coworker. I felt blindsided at the time and was wondering who this stranger was in my life but after reading a lot of your stories and Chump Lady advice I’m realizing that’s probably who he always was.

We were renting a house together, I had been planning our 7 year anniversary, booking a hotel for a wedding we were both in, and about to leave on a trip overseas with my sister when he came home from work to confess he had been cheating with a coworker and gotten an STD.

Long story short he ends up telling me they were going to live as starving artists in her messy apartment. Smoke ciggarettes, drink, and discuss literature and discuss movies all day while having sex and working together to make a life. After that failed he was fired from his job and evicted from his apartment. He now lives in a new city working at an insurance companies call center, living on his dad’s couch, while working really hard on his Bumble and Tinder account because he’s ready for a serious relationship now.

I know I should be scoffing at this but I still struggle with wondering why that was a better choice over what we had.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  RealityCheck

It’s just poor decisions on his part. None of it “better”…it’s just greener grass on the other side of some fence that they’ll never stop hopping. Jumping right back into dating was what my X did too (kind of nebulous as to when that actually happened, but I’ll chumpily give him the benefit of the doubt…because it honestly doesn’t matter now), all while he is claiming to be working on and improving himself. I would think years of prostitutes, porn, etc. would take some time to work through and get his head on straight before he gets involved with someone, but it’s no surprise based on his superb poor decision making skills that this is what he did. They’re all really committed to “working on themselves”. *pointer finger of one hand gesturing rudely into circled pointer and thumb of other hand*

MJB
MJB
6 years ago
Reply to  RealityCheck

You were so much better than him, that’s why. You set the bar way too high with your values and morales and work ethic. It’s not you. It’s him. He needs to go back to his kind.

You are now free to go on and live a happy life. It’s takes a while to get past the pain and the mindfuck. It takes a while to realize you dodged a major bullet. It’s not that you weren’t good enough. You were too good. Fix the picker and use it when you’re ready to find a reciprocal relationship with someone who shares your values.

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  MJB

“You were so much better than him, that’s why. You set the bar way too high with your values and morales and work ethic. It’s not you. It’s him. He needs to go back to his kind.”

^^^^^THIS.

I always had better morals and better values – i.e. NORMAL, good morals and values! – than the douchebag ex. And now he’s with a whore that went after a married man who has no integrity. And I think ex is happier with her BECAUSE she has shitty morals. How crappy is that? But she is most definitely “his kind.”

Good riddance to them both.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  MJB

My STBX kept becoming friends that I thought were crappy humans who lacked a sense of right and wrong. It was in such contrast to the person he always portrayed himself to be that I could never wrap my head around it. Now that the mask is off, I realize these people he wanted to be friends with made perfect sense. As you said, they were “his kind”.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Oh yes birds of a feather… I always thought Stbx was different from his key employees who were less than polished in their presentation if you get my drift. He would talk about their uncouth antics and tell me how naive I was about typical male behavior. Dumb me, I thought this was all beneath him. He even helped some of these people hide income during their divorces. And surprise, he is trying to hide money from me but he is not as smart as he thinks in that department.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  RealityCheck

Reality check, it wasn’t a better choice, it was a poor choice and he can’t or won’t admit it. You are far better off. Hugs!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  RealityCheck

That was my question–why wasn’t what we had worth it? Now I think of him like the carpenter ants eating the oak tree in my front yard. They eat until they consume their host and then they move on. He could no longer use you, for whatever reasons, to manage his black hole of suckitude.

Budgie
Budgie
6 years ago

My list of offences is long:

1. I stopped him having kids and carrying on his mother’s name. Err, neither of us EVER wanted kids, plus his mum remarried and had a different name…

2. The house was too big and I kept it too clean, plus I did all his laundry. Oops, sorry!

3. I “controlled” what he ate. High blood pressure /cholesterol, plus a couple of nasty food allergies thrown in – yep, so sorry for caring!

4. I “controlled” the finances and household budget. Again, sorry for being the adult.

5. I’m too old for him (I’m 15 years younger), too intelligent and can take care of myself. That’s fine, Schmoopie is 21 years younger than him, very overweight and thick, so win-win!

6. And yes, he DID want to be a rock star and I prevented that. Nothing to do with the fact his music is crap!

I don’t know how it’s working out for him thanks to NC, nor do I care. My life however, is great: a lovely clean house all to myself, no debts (mortgage aside), I can eat anything I like, and I no longer have to pretend I like his crappy guitar playing!! Good luck Schmoopie, he’s all your’s now…

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
6 years ago
Reply to  Budgie

My STBX is one of 4 siblings. Every single one of the others lives in a level 4 hoard, meaning pathways only between rooms, filth from pets and people all over, their homes are falling down structurally from the neglect and lack of repairs and maintenance. Absolutely mentally disturbed, every one of them. Only my STBX lived in a decent and clean home and you can guess why that was. We are going to find out just how high his piles of guitar magazines can be stacked now since he fled from his Controlling and Judgmental Wife Appliance. Gawd, he is such a fucking cartoon. “Controlling and Judgmental” is the mantra of these little boys, right along with the ILYBINILWY bullshit. Good luck to Schmoopie.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  Budgie

Narkles the Clown is a borderline hoarder so by any of his standards I was a neat freak. It’s so nice to live with a clean floor. I walk through my house in the middle of the night barefoot with the lights out! I can only imagine what his house is like these days.

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago
Reply to  Budgie

I was too clean too! I am not even a neat freak of some sort. I just believed in keeping a house at habitable standards. It’s not like I ever asked him to help me, or, nagged at him to not make messes. I just went behind him dutifully picking up his messes for a decade. Apparently that was exerting an intolerable amount of control. Once I watched him make a sandwich directly on the kitchen counter (no cutting board or plate), look over at me, hold the sandwich up , shake it, watch crumbs and a slab of mayo covered tomato fall, smirk and walk out trailing mess all the way. Asshole.

AlohaFreedom
AlohaFreedom
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

During one of my STBXH periods of out of control manic behavior, he came into my home (at the front door) to drop our kids off. He had taken the kids with his parents to a bounce house place for the day. His father came in with him to say goodbye to the kids. It was pouring rain and I had mopped the night before. I told my kids to wipe their feet well on a fresh towel I had put down (pouring rain plus toddlers plus tile floor do not mix well). Anyway, STBXH heard me tell the kids to take their shoes off as I had just mopped and they were all so muddy. So STBXH proceeds to stamp his muddy boots all over my floor and then grind the dirt into the tiles and grout. He looked me in the eyes and smiled while doing this.

geekmom
geekmom
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Every time Shithead would deign to do a household repair, he’d leave me a huge mess. He “joked” that was so I knew he did something! Haha. Bastard.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Yup, “neat freak” here too. I sincerely think they believe that the clean up fairy makes home nice and tidy. It can’t be that boring, troublesome ol’ housework that Mom & Dad used to have to do. Except your X asshole, Jojobee…that’s just plain spiteful.

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

Thanks for saying so. Over the years he had me half convinced my “insane” standards were to blame!

Budgie
Budgie
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

I think we were married to the same jerk! I am not a neat freak either, but I do like things clean. I did everything round the house, and on the rare occasions he vacuumed out of the blue, he expected praise! He once told me I was ironing his polo shirts “the wrong way”, and he used to run his finger along the slats of the living room blinds and complain if they were dusty.

He was a complete slob – the sink was always full of razor hair, he used to cut his toenails over the bath and leave them there, and his leather recliner, don’t go there, it was a bio hazard (I sold it).

Nope, not missing him at all! ????

Luziana
Luziana
6 years ago

The bedtime story the Sluterus was told was that I boring, controlled everything and never let him have friends.

I stated my situation goals when we met. I told him I had a huge student loan and my goal was to get my FICO score and savings in real house buying Range with a good interest rate. I wanted to buy a 3 bedroom 2 bath in my current school district.

I already owned an outdated somewhat junky modular home in a good school district. My housing costs were negligible. I never asked him for a penny for the student loan. I paid that faithfully and my car payment, and 85% of the bills after he moved there.

After he moved there, I sold or gave away half my stuff to make way for his. I gave him 4000 dollars of my merit bonus for moving and household expenses. He was happy to not pay rent. Over the years, his credit rating and mine were over 700 eventually.

My goals, my personality, nothing changed. I need the entire time i knew him, he was only the most casual of friends with 2 male coworkers. He NEVER left the house to do things with friends male or female. He complained and raged when I would travel with my BFF. He would be strangely sour meeting my friends. He asked me to not speak on the phone with a male HS friend who identifies asexual and has never so much as breathed on my neck.

Yet, three years in I’m suddenly told I’m controlling the house, stopping his having friends. He ‘hates’ living in my parents’ old house and driving a half hour commute. He sure likes his new car he wouldn’t have qualified for, the fancy cel phone in my name he used to acquire half a dozen female only FB friends, eating out at work every day and having 7K in his checkbook whilst I my 40% larger paycheck was consumed by household bills.

But I urged him to make those new friends!

None of the sudden onslaught of new friends was male, of course. What good is a friend you can’t fuck? Eventually he settled on a new bottom rung hire with a rat’s nest of hair, regrettable teeth, and a history of being evicted from apartments. He got her pregnant.

Because I’m so controlling, I managed to not notice my husband ask The Sluterus to block me on FB so I couldn’t see her many comments before I knew she was fucking my husband.

Somehow, my iron grip did not prevent a 7k trip to Disney World where he texted her from every public toilet, and was so possessive of his phone he wouldn’t even swim in the pool without putting it in a safe.

Who are you texting with? (Said in a conversational tone)

It’s Candy Crush!

I see the text bubbles. Is there something I should know?

Oh that? Tony.

Oh, why not say Tony?

He just texted.

Okay, great.

Because I’m so controlling he could send 5000+ texts to her in one month.

Why did you change our cellular password?

They suggested I should. Hacking.

Oh, got it. What’s the new one?

Uhhhhhhhh…..

I stopped his having friends, y’all. I spent all his money. I crushed his Giant Baby Man dreams!

hollowbunny
hollowbunny
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

The reason he had no friends and shitty relations with his family was because of me and how controlling I was. So we moved to the big city in which he grew up, I threw dinner parties for friends and family….and nothing was reciprocated for 3 years. No one had us over. We are talking walking distance 20+ year friends. I made new friends, got jobs etc. Built a network. No one called him. He raged at me about alienating him from everyone. He had to lie about where he was because if he told me he was out with his friends, I’d get mad. He wasn’t with friends, obvs.

After dday, I asked him why, if he had so much time for another woman, he never snuck friends and family time in there too. Seeing how devoted and loyal he was, right? With me strong arming him away from them? When I kicked him out, rather than go 2 city blocks in any direction to huge houses of old awesome friends he adored, he drove 3 hours to his mom’s place. Why, I asked. Because she was the only person who’d side with him. All those “friends” were pissed that he hadn’t reached out, that they now knew he’d made time for a stupid loser over them, and he was a confirmed asshole to them. He had fucked over his family and they were disappointed in him and he knew it. So back to moms uterus, I mean guest room, he went.

He’s since to,d me that he’s projected all his failures on me and would go to his mom to have those projections confirmed. So, all my fault.

Luziana
Luziana
6 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

They can say whatever they want to their fuckbuddies. If I were such scum, I and my collard greens, potato salad and baked goods wouldn’t still be invited to every holiday with my first husband’s family.

I have plenty of close friends, have for over 30 years now. He’s been in this country for 15 years now. Chaos with women, not one friend he can call on. No one helped him move his shit on GTFO day. All he ever has is to co opt the social circle of wherever his dick randomly ends. Sad!

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
6 years ago

I kept him from living his dream of having a wife who pays the bills and being able to screw anything that walks. I’m just a bitch that way.

Chumptacular
Chumptacular
6 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

I refused to believe the gaslighting lies once I found the cheating evidence. He did not work; I supported him. We had one vehicle; he drove me back and forth to work. One day I noticed the car seat was stained and immediately knew he had cheated. Although I was scared to confront him, I did. He was very angry and came up with many gaslighting lies. I would not buy any of them, much to his chagrin. I also found a shirt stained with lipstick and refused to believe the pathetic gaslighting lies associated with that as well. He was cheating with a greedy married whore who wasn’t about to take on a man with no income. The only way he was able to have this affair in this first place was because I loved and trusted him enough to support him and to ensure that he had access to transportation when I was working. Once I took the car away from him and divorced him he had no way to continue seeing her. She did not step up to the plate and provide transportation so the affair could continue. One year prior to D-Day, he had told me that he hated me, didn’t want to have sex with me and was just using me for my money. When I told him it looked like he had sex in the car, he said, “Oh, you say I’m madly in love and I have a girlfriend.” I said, “I didn’t say that. I said it looked like you had sex in the car. Why did you say that I said that you were madly in love and have a girlfriend?” He said, “That’s what you were thinking.” I said, “How do you know what I was thinking? I was thinking you could have picked a stranger up off of the street.” He gaslighted by denying that he had cheated and telling me that I was crazy. I said, “I guess you thought you could go out and have your fun and I would be none the wiser and we would go on, like business as usual.” He then muttered “Hmm-mmmm,” which basically affirmed what I had said, but then he went right back to the gaslighting denials. So, I guess I thwarted his one chance in this life for true love and happiness by breaking up his affair with the whore, which would still be going on to this day if I wasn’t so “crazy” for not believing the gaslighting lies (not to mention so mean for taking away the car). I don’t know that he would have ever gotten a job for her or if she would have ever taken him on without an income. I suppose that was just a Fabulous Standoff.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

LOL, too on the nose. 😉

kurleegirl
kurleegirl
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

One more in this camp, LOL. Now he can enjoy life with ho-chick living in his parent’s basement.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  kurleegirl

Summer’s Eve is living with his trollop, her two kids in HER home. He is such a control freak so I know he isn’t having the time of his life! Hahahaha!

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Mr. Twatwaffles is living with her, her three kids and next door to her parents. Plus, they frequently hang with ALPO’S (finally) ex (Mr. Milquetoast) and have spent time with HIS parents and his cheating girlfriend.

It’s all one big, happy, fucking foursome…with kids in tow.

bouncing back
bouncing back
6 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

Me too. We suck, eh?

bouncing back
bouncing back
6 years ago

Wow… Where do I start? And how do I know which of the below reasons are even valid (hint, NONE)?

1. I became a different person when I got pregnant (UBT: you finally had needs, for fucks sake woman, are you crazy?? How dare you need things and then divert your energy to having a child??! I’M THE CHILD!! ME! ME!)

2. I stopped giving him affection (UBT: again, who do you think you are? Didn’t you realize you signed up to keep giving me affection when I am screwing whores? Maybe IF you start touching me I MIGHT reconsider that whore habit. Maybe. Nope. Maybe not. Dance bitch!)

3. I was emotionally abusive and verbally abusive (UBT: I hate it when I block you out, am vague, lie, ignore your calls, placate you with agreeing to do something I never intended to do, you respond with yelling and getting angry. Damn you are so angry. Never mind my whore habit, leaving for work travels earlier than necessary or staying an extra day to spend work and marital funds/time on whores…. if you reacted differently maybe I would have stopped. Just ignore the fact I did this while we were dating, when you were pregnant… you were not to discover this when you were on maternity leave. See? There’s another problem— you snoop and do not give me privacy!)

Adios asshole.

Paddington
Paddington
6 years ago

I held back the sad sack for years. Held him back from partying and bar hopping because I have a kid and that’s not my scene. Held him back because he wanted the hot girlfriend to show off to his pals and rich business partners and my weight was constantly fluctuating due to stress and health issues. Held him back from living a lavish lifestyle because I was supposed to pay all the bills alone while he took time to pay off his debts and build his business, with the promise he’d take care of me one day, but I could only afford to just barely get us by. Yes, I held him back all right.

After I kicked his cheating ass to the curb, he’s 43 and now living in a camper and built a tiki bar alongside it, hosting party after party. He’s finally getting in all the party time he lost in the 12 years with me. He’s shacking up with a woman 10 years older than him. Little does she know he’s just using her because she has money and a boat she lets him use all he wants. Because after all, she can give him the lifestyle but isn’t exactly the hot wife. But he sends my son pictures of himself on the boat surrounded by 20-year-olds in bikinis, so clearly he’s working on making that dream a reality now too.

As I try to pick up the pieces, wonder if I’ll ever find love at 40, ponder on the 12 years of lies and deception, deal with my 18-year-old son spending all his time with the cheater because he’s so sparkly and cool, weighed down by all the debt I incurred while he built his business… I wonder when will karma come around? Where’s meh? Where’s Tuesday???

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Paddington

My STBX and I are in the same age-range as you. For a while, I would look at my STBX’s new life with so little responsibility … then I would look at the mountain of responsibility I had in order to try to repair what he had demolished (financially, emotionally, etc.). I would fluctuate between despair and anger.

The thing that helped me (and I hope helps you) was that my life has genuine substance. I REALLY love my kids. I REALLY work my ass off day-in and day-out to try to improve our lives.

STBX’s life is vapid. He may feel happy with it now, but there are two important things he’s missing:

1. The kind of life he’s living (just like your X’s) is so obviously hollow and pathetic. His life has become a gutter. Just because he’s finding short-term thrills from it doesn’t change a gutter to a palace. There is no substance here.

2. The way he’s living is short-sighted and unhealthy. His new trek through the gutter cannot end well. (I envision a fleet of karma buses …)

I still get angry sometimes because this shit is so horribly unfair. But, then I remind myself that as bad as all of this has been and will continue to be for a while–it could be worse. I could still be with him — being humiliated, used, and constantly berated.

Karma will come to your X. He’s already put out the welcome mat for it … it’s only a matter of time. In the meantime, keep your eye on the prize (a better life for YOU). Wishing you all my best.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

I couldn’t agree more, JessMom. You said it perfectly. Life is BETTER without them in it…even when it is incredibly hard and unfair.

Nanki Poo
Nanki Poo
6 years ago

I got “I made myself small for you,” and “I don’t feel extraordinary.”

Of course, those came *after* busting her on her last affair.

Incidentally, I never did get explanations of exactly how and in what ways that I did those things, despite asking. Still waiting… somebody get me a Snickers bar, because I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere for a good long while waiting for answers on those. 🙂

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago

This is a strange question for me … my STBX has ZERO ambition. His long-term thinking is mostly (maybe completely) nonexistent. This was super frustrating because I am a a goal-oriented type that embraces short-term sacrifice for long-term benefit (even if it is simply saving to pay off a big bill, etc.).

Though, leave it to STBX to figure out how I ruined his fantasy life. 🙂

— In the end, I learned that I was the proverbial “ball and chain” that didn’t make enough money to allow him to quit working AND to buy him whatever whimsical thing he desired … mostly video games and CDs. This is the life he wants to live. (Seriously. And he’s almost 50 for crying out loud!)

— In the end, I also learned he had held a grudge for years because I refused to get a 60-inch TV. (I swear TV size is like how he views penis size … the bigger, the more “manly”). We didn’t have the money … because he was skimming off of his paycheck without me knowing. Such an asshole.

— I also expected him to be responsible. I didn’t beg him to be — I didn’t hassle him about it — I just ASSUMED he would be (or at least would try to be). Isn’t that what normal people with children do? Adulting. It’s a thing (well, not for STBX). He held (no shit) a grudge for the entirety of our relationship because I had expectations of mature, responsible behavior.

Now he and another guy are renting a tiny house on a not-so-good side of town. But he’s thrilled because the guy’s TV is (wait for it …) 60 INCHES! And, the guy owns “thousands” of DVDs. Plus, STBX has his own gaming system. So, STBX is actually quite happy with the material part of his arrangement.

But, he wants to wreckoncile. I’m going to guess he misses kibbles … having a responsible spouse to do virtually everything except wipe his ass … and, well, honestly, I’m pretty certain he sees me as his property.

Fuck no. I am not remotely interested in being married to a rage-filled sixteen year old who inhabits a 50-year-old man’s body. Besides, my girls and I are so much more relaxed with him gone … and we have beautiful lives we are building as a much stronger family without him. Fuck him.

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Your story is like mine. He can now watch the movies that he has watched 20 times over without me saying its a waste of time! Manchild!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady b

“Manchild” really does describe these fools. I’ll never forget my nearly fifty-year-old STBX giving my his well-thought-out, soul-searched description of WHO he is and WHAT he wants out of life … “I’m a gamer. That’s who I am.” I will never forget those words.

I was stunned. He rarely played video games (that I knew about). But, I guess–like the cheating, skimming money from his checks, and the resentment for having to act like an adult–it was just another part of him he hid so damned well for more twenty years. And every piece he hid = extraordinary immaturity and entitlement.

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Resentment about being expected to act like an adult – that is it entirely! And founded on entitlement. Mine wasn’t devoid of ambition but it was all for himself (great ego kibble) and to pay for his wants (needs in his eyes, of course). In the last 4 years of our relationship he bought 5 sports cars (consecutively) all over $120k (the 2nd last one was $300k although he hid that from me) as well as 5 vintage cars. The only people I ever saw admire the cars to him were teenage boys. I think most of the other people we know think they made him look like an idiot. We live in the countryside where they were completely impractical a lot of the time. Like all above, I did do most of the “adulting”, of course, but he resented being asked to do any. He moved in with OW virtually immediately after leaving and got married 5 months after leaving (we were together 20 years but not married) so I guess he got another replacement to do the adulting in his home life without skipping a beat. He is perplexed as to why our children might struggle with this though. I guess if he thinks of people as objects then why would they mind just a swap in wife appliances (or in my case pseudo-wife appliances). “Shallow” doesn’t really do it justice.

geekmom
geekmom
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady b

Same movies and same music. Over and over and over. He’d even sit and watch a TV show episode again and again because, “I liked this episode.” All turned up uncomfortably loud. All the while on his laptop, ignoring the family. Till I wanted to scream! I settled for going to a quieter room and reading. But later, “She would NEVER sit and watch a movie with me!!!”

Can’t win.

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  geekmom

Same movies over and over, for over 25 years. I never understood how he could be interested in a movie he had watched that many times. He’d laugh at the same lines, and turn the sound up to uncomfortable volumes during certain scenes.
Geekmom, X would watch the same sitcoms over and over, increasing the volume during his “favorite” scene. If it was a comedy, he’d laugh like it was the first time he’d heard the punchline or joke.
Ha! like geek mom, another fault I had is that I would never sit and watch a movie with him. X probably had that on his list of reasons to cheat.
Serious offenses

geekmom
geekmom
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

So much the same, aren’t they Brit? And Shithead wouldn’t watch a movie that didn’t have a car chase in it. Almost the entirety of his TV viewing was car races, shows about finding cars, car auctions.

He cried, real tears and sobs, when some stranger, on a three-year-old episode of a car restoration show, was presented with his rebuilt vehicle, yet writes off his adult son (who refuses to buy into Shithead’s rewritten version of events because son was eyewitness and knows it’s bullshit) without batting an eye.

It is beyond me.

Awake
Awake
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady b

What’s with them watching movies over and over again? Same ones every weekend. Do ypu know how mant times i have seen Wyatt Irp? Ugh!!!

JC
JC
6 years ago

What utter bullshit these cheaters peddle. 9 times out of 10 (or possibly even 99 out of 100), we chumps were the ones that sacrificed for them, not the other way around.

My wife knew she had a losing argument if she claimed I destroyed her prior dreams, as I’d made huge sacrifices for her.

So instead, she focused on *future* dreams and claimed I was destroying those–such as my desire to have children…which she suddenly was against…while we were trying to get pregnant!

That’s me, the Destroyer of Future Dreams (sudden dreams of my wife that appeared during her affair, and then disappeared just as quickly–she and her OM now have a one-year-old).

Nanki Poo
Nanki Poo
6 years ago

Reading these comments, and many others here over many months, I’m starting to wonder if *any* of these idiotic cheaters are fiscally responsible or *don’t* accuse their victims/spouses of being abusive? It’s like a huge case study in fucked up, morally (& often literally) bankrupt people who never came to grips with adulthood!

Sunny
Sunny
6 years ago
Reply to  Nanki Poo

You can safely assume that an inability to manage money is a sure hallmark of a cheater. Of all the cheaters I have ever known in my life, the only one who had any serious financial ability was my father, who had a mistress in Japan. He had his own business, so it was very easy for him to keep finances separate and expenditures on her undetected. If I ever start to date again, I will do more due diligence with regards to finances and financial management ability. There are lots of things a potential cheater could lie about, but following the money always tells you the most accurate story.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunny

My cheater was surprisingly not difficult with money. He didn’t make much, he wasn’t particularly good with it, but he also didn’t spend it like there was no tomorrow. As long as the bills were paid, he was good. We did not live beyond our means, and that was one of the things I did love about him.

My first husband was so bad with money, got into so much debt, ended up filing bankruptcy after he married wife #3. Owed the IRS and was making payments (thank God after me.)

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunny

Count me as another chump whose cheater was massively irresponsible with money. He NEVER had money, and when he managed to get some, he spent it almost immediately. Ignored bills (which got sent to collections) and didn’t even care. Thank God my state is awesome in the child support enforcement arena. His wages are being garnished and now I can breathe a little easier.

Magneto
Magneto
6 years ago

I spent all the money. He was never shopped, cooked, cleaned nor cared for the kids, either.

Even though I worked full time, paid all medical, food, clothing, entertainment and care for kids in his divorce papers; ” Magneto never contributed to the family”.
(I was the only one who wore clearance/second hand (recycled) clothes.)

His greatness I denied? After bomb drop one morning moving into OW’s and his apartment, he called me and snarled; “I like to have SEX two times a day! AND SHE treats me like the ROCK STAR I AM!!!!”

Party on, Wayne. Party on, Garth.

3 years later, I wonder how that 2x a day sex is going? or that rock star career? At the time it really hurt. More the rage/vicious tone, but I’m sure many here understand.

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

X called my Mother who was in her last stages of cancer to tell her that “leaving me was the best decision he’d ever made,” “he’s never been happier.”
How does someone call someones dying mother and say that? How does he live with himself?
That act alone speaks volumes on his character and integrity that he claims to have.
My Parents loved him as if he were their own son. My Mom passed two months after and he made no effort to offer condolences to my Dad or anyone. We were his family for 20 years, or at least it appeared that way.
Speaks volumes, clearly a Sociopath.

spiritwoman
spiritwoman
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Sometimes I really wonder if there’s enough room in Hell for these psychos.

Ugh no...
Ugh no...
6 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

So many potential rock stars! I too left my ex’s rock and roll fantasy in a flaming pile of disappointment and cast off dreams.
He manages to pretend he has attained a measure of stardom in his online music group- where hundreds of marginally employed and unemployed middle aged musicians post their songs and stroke each other’s egos.
It’s where he met schmoopie! Strangely they all had or have gainfully employed chump spouses and significant others who hold down the fort while they strum/ smash/ding their feelings into song…

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

They rage when they are losing control and to keep you from knowing that their life is far from their claims. Mine LOVES to text that he is happier than he has been in a long time.

He has 3 support payments he has to make (spousal plus 2 child), his son won’t talk to him anymore, oldest daughter goes to dinner with him twice a month, our youngest only sees him for 5-15 minutes each month (she is special needs and he hasn’t bothered to get training) and he has never even met his out-of-wedlock child.

The 25 year old girlfriend must have magical powers to make all of that fade. That is a happy he can run into the sunset with. I take my life with my 3 kids any day of the year.

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

His life sucks hairy balls!

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

His life sucks hairy balls!

JC
JC
6 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Rock star?

What a child.

Magneto
Magneto
6 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

..He never shopped…

Stronger
Stronger
6 years ago

I’m in the middle of it all right now, a really ugly divorce. The other night, he hit me again. Nothing like how he done in the past, but it was still a hit. And this time, I had a witness. Previously, he’d pushed me in 3 different pregnancies. Even years later, there was no remorse. He’d say it didn’t count because it didn’t hurt (only it HAD hurt). Another time, he threw me on the bed and proceeded to choke me in front of 3 babies. He convinced me not to call the cops. Told me it would ruin his business and career and then we (I) would have nothing. This time, I called the police. This time he was arrested. This time, he spent 2 nights in jail. This time, I filed a Domestic Violence Injunction to protect me and also the kids. This time, I know I won’t have to see him again or deal with him for a while. The irony is that in my deposition, his attorney gave me a hard time for not having proof that he has been physically abusive with me before, and now, his attorney is trying to get me to drop charges for the very thing he called me out for less than 3 months ago. So, no worries it’s going to be my fault when this is held against him. If only I’d stayed quiet, he’d be a millionaire entrepreneur by now. Asswipe.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Stronger

My 1st husband was physically abusive. I was married to him for 15 years before he beat the living shit out of me and threatened to kill me, in front of our 5 kids. The county attorney told me “enough is a goddamn enough! If you don’t leave him, the next time I see you will be in a body bag!” I kicked him out, put a restraining order on him, and eventually had to put in a no stalking order. I went NC with him and now our kids are grown, I see him very little and am totally at Meh as far as he’s concerned. He is truly not even a blip on my radar.

I totally empathize with the fear of having an abusive ex. It takes awhile to come out of that and feel okay. The money was tight and I had 5 kids to raise, but the peace in my house after he was gone was so worth it. I never regretted ending it when I did.

However, I was so desensitized to inappropriate behavior when I found Mr. Twatwaffles, that the only bar for a man treating me well, was to not live beyond our means and not beat me. Looking back, there were so many signs that he was not good for me either, and I spackled the hell out of it. My kids pegged him a long time ago, but they knew I was happy, so they were quiet about it.

So that would be my advice, Stronger. Be careful about men after this. Fix your picker…I know mine needs a major overhaul.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  Stronger

Do what you have to when it comes to staying safe.
Leaving Troy is the most dangerous time. Take advantage of everything offers to you. If you don’t feel comfortable with the domestic violence help available in your area reach out to the next closest shelter. Narkles the Clown did work at our local shelter so he knew where it was. The next closest shelter understood why I came to them and helped me even though I did not live in their area.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Truly is the most dangerous time.
My apologies to anyone named Troy.

Survivor
Survivor
6 years ago
Reply to  Stronger

Wonderful to hear, Stronger! Nothing takes the wind out of an abuser’s sails like a little time in the Pokey. Keep yourself and your little ones safe.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Stronger

I am so glad you got out. Kudos to you! Do whatever you need to keep that SOB away.

Free Vix
Free Vix
6 years ago
Reply to  Stronger

Way to be mighty. Have you read “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft? It’s well worth reading, or listening to on audio.

Keep smashing those dreams of control and authority over you!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Stronger

I’m sending you a huge hug, Stronger. I’m so sorry — how utterly horrific for you and your kids.

I was so happy when I got to “This time, I called the police.” That was so mighty!!! For a billion reasons this was a mighty move on your part — but the biggest reason being that it will help to provide you and your kids with a measure of safety.

Take good care of yourself.

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  Stronger

Oh Stronger, please tell s that you are somewhere safe now and NEVER ever returning to that Hell. Protect yourself and your kids…if he was ever going to be a decent human, he would have done it long ago, there is NO redeeming a person who chose this behavior.

Roberta
Roberta
6 years ago

Mine wanted his PhD. He wanted to be addressed as “Dr. Cheaterpants”! He did finally get it at the ripe age of 61. He was certain (as was Schmoopie) that it was the ticket to a high paying, little effort, sparkly job. Unfortunately, it pigeon holed him in the job market and his best offer was at 93,000 a year. It was less than the job he left to go live with the whore. She was very upset as she had left her husband who was hauling in a quarter of a million a year! Just after his “dream” was realized, he became sick and couldn’t work at all! It didn’t take Schmoopie long to realize she had hitched her wagon to the wrong horse. She became a vile bitch over this and he couldn’t take the constant pushing she was doing to get him to apply for the “right” jobs. Fantasy met reality and it was ugly. His PhD never did any good for him. It came with a 130,000 dollar price tag though! He died at 62 and never got a job in his field! Colossal Fail!

Patsy
Patsy
6 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Gosh Roberta, when did he die? You told us he was sick …

Were you OK with it?

Hugs

kmanning
kmanning
6 years ago

One of the (few) funny moments during the year our divorce was progressing-we lived in the house together.

X announces “I’m buying a guitar!” Defiantly, petulantly. As if I’ve been standing in the way of his (ha!) rock star dreams. First time I’d heard in 15 years that he had any sort of musical inclination or aspirations.

I heard him “playing” his guitar a few times. Just caught a glimpse of the dust-covered case at his place the other day.

But don’t forget, the spouse is always the problem-never the narc!

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
6 years ago
Reply to  kmanning

My STBX had 8 guitars, including a very expensive ‘signature’ Gibson from his man-crush rock god hero. I gave him 2 of those guitars over our 31 year relationship. You can bet that these as well as the half-dozen guns he took from the house are listed as line items on our divorce split of assets- if he is going to keep all those toys I want an equivalent shift in cash headed my way, and I am getting it.

He sucks at playing. He tried to play guitar for our daughter’s 6th grade promotion event while she stood and sang in front of her whole class and all the parents. He goofed up and had to restart, of course, and she burst into tears. It was so embarrassing for her at that tender age and she will never forget the humiliation. Maybe if he had practiced more or chosen a simpler arrangement he could have managed to get through it without ruining the event for her, but it was not to be. He found a way to blame me for some of her pain though, (and in his childish mind he probably believes it was also something I did that was also the reason he messed up). He didn’t want me to take pictures that evening because it was going to be too stressful for her to remember– see, it wasn’t his massive fuck up that caused her pain, it was my wanting to take pictures of her 6th grade promotion. Such a selfish jerk.

I am the Chump.
I am the Chump.
6 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

Haha! Mine had at least 13 guitars. They would appear out of nowhere. I found an invoice for one that I believe he bought to impress the OW and it cost $2000. My X could play, but never played anything remotely interesting to any human being. Just played random technical picking and strumming farmer tunes. I hope the OW enjoys his obsessive playing of those boring ads sings as much as I did.

I am the Chump.
I am the Chump.
6 years ago

I meant ass songs. Damn spell check.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

This guitar thing must be a pathognomic thing with Male cheaters… Mine bought FOUR after the D-day mess plus accessories.

MJB
MJB
6 years ago

The first time he left for Schmoopie 1.0, he told the counselor he never wanted to be married or have kids. By this time we had 2 kiddos and had lost a 3rd during pregnancy. The counselor kept pressing him on it because, let’s face it, it doesn’t make sense. He told me he was angry that I mowed the yard. Yep, I guess I did too much. I danced like crazy to get that turd back. Our kids were 4 & 2 years old.

The second time he left for Schmoopie 2.0 -he left after I caught him, the icloud is a mystery to many :). I didn’t give that fucker a chance to tell me all of my crimes against him. I knew I was the giver and he was the taker in our 20 years together. I told him “I’m done. Amicable”. Nasty ole fucker. He begged that he had made a big mistake and schmoopie was all innocent. Then I see a text to her about getting together and he wanted to tell her how it all started 5 years ago.

Let me tell y’all how it all started 20 years ago. I mistook his constant calls, neediness, and hoovering as love. I know now it was anything but love. He is a bottomless pit of need. My life is calm and serene at home without his constant criticism all whilst he sits on his arse on the couch watching tv. I did all the adulting except for the things he found fun and could extract kibbles from.

I hate it for the kids. Their lives have been changed forever. But some in a good way. Nothing ever suited him–grades, sports, friends. We didn’t have anyone over at the house except people he’d invite because he’d be such a dick about it (the attention wasn’t all on him). The kids spend some time with him. I’ve learned to change my outlook from despair to now enjoying the peace and quiet. I catch up on chores I need to do so I can focus solely on them when they are with me.

I’m not at meh. But I think I see it up around the corner.

kabuki
kabuki
6 years ago

After 30 years of marriage, with an exciting career and postings in South America, Europe and Asia, my ex suddenly blew up our marriage to live with his 30-year old schmoopie. He told me I had “forced him to make safe choices” and blamed me that during our marriage he “never got to live in the jungle.” Of course he’d never mentioned any of that. Two years with her and he still hasn’t made it, funnily enough. He’s miserable, apparently.

There was some greatness being thwarted, though – my sons and I are doing better than ever!

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  kabuki

Kabuki,

Hope he contracts malaria whilst “living in the jungle” !

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
6 years ago

At least we can wish him some highly contagious dick fungus! Jungle junk rot!

Skinwalker
Skinwalker
6 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

Love it! “Jungle Junk Rot”

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  kabuki

My ex told me he just wanted to be with someone who didn’t get bored at horse shows. I think his ideal mate would be someone who enjoys having sex daily on horseback. Oh, and wants to watch football for hours afterwards.

Saorsa
Saorsa
6 years ago
Reply to  kabuki

He “never got to live in the jungle”. Well I hope for you and your sons that his dream comes true and he and schmoopie get lost in there and can’t find their way back out. What an idiot he is.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago

Had children and actually put the needs of dependent infants ahead of ManBaby and myself.

Invested too much emotional energy into children and took the locus of said energy off of ManBaby during children’s key developmental periods.

Became too physically touched out raising 4 kids as a single married mother. No time or enthusiasm to bake the cake, feed it to ManBaby all while performing Olympic sex acts.

There was No Greatness I prevented him from achieving since it was ME who propped the fucker up, counseled him with his job (we both worked for the same company pre kids. I knew his co workers professionally pre marriage). Great promotions. Great Facade and highly productive in his profession. I.Just.Would.Not.Conform.To.His.Will.Of.PerfectWifeAppliance.

brit
brit
6 years ago

X was in his high school marching band which was the last time he touched a drum. He was never in a rock band or played drums outside of high school marching band.
Yet, I unknowingly prevented X from becoming a rock star drummer, when an acquaintance of his from high school asked X if he still played drums, he sadly replied, no, Brit wouldn’t let me…
Really? Not knowing what to get him for his birthdays (he had no interests besides himself) I offered to buy him a set and he refused saying he was done with playing drums.
That aside, he did like to work out and occasionally ran a marathon. Before I had our son I would run three miles before work. I’m not a marathon runner, and definitely not a triathlete. X met triathlete AP and he suddenly had an overwhelming desire to run a marathon every week, and an urge to hike 27 miles up our local mountains “alone.” Thus he needed to find someone different, someone he had more in common with. Eventually they became the triathlete couple.
25 years together, 20 of those years married, a child together, many moves for his career, struggling financially, when we couldn’t afford groceries, let alone afford to run a marathon. 25 years of our lives spent together building memories is when he discovered he wants someone who he has more in common with like a triathlete.

It would have been nice if he had thought about that 25 years prior.
X and Triathlete eventually terminated their relationship. While they were living together X was on match.com and is with his next true love. I find it interesting that he chooses women that are masculine in appearance. Beards??
He never socialized until a few months before he moved out. He suddenly decided to be social with our neighbors after living in the neighborhood for almost 20 years. He befriended a neighbor’s male friend who at 52 never had a girlfriend. Maybe I prevented him from finding himself as well.

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago

I kept him from becoming a professional mountain climber (how many of those do you think the economy can support? I dont ever remember anyone offering him this job)

I made him continue on his professional path and refused to allow him to throw become a construction worker who ran a bull-dozer. (He never mentioned it until he was fucking Susan)

Like kmanning above, I prevented him from learning to play the guitar. While pick-me dancing, I bought him one…he never touched it (son taught himself to play it).

I “refused” to have 7 children for him. But he was also mad that I “made him” get married…so apparently after this forced marriage, I was supposed to birth 7 babies that he would leave me with when he found true wuv. Once when he was reviewing my list of shortcomings I asked him something like “So how many children did you want to abandon me with?”

He “wanted” to buy stuff and he “wanted” to have the freedom to not work for a paycheck and be able to start a business. He accumulated debt (huge house, plenty of cars) commensurate with a guy fulling committed to maintaining a “Corporate Joe” existence then blamed me that he had to work to pay it. He assured me that if I were a supportive wife, he would have more options. I make $39,000 a year caring for dying children…not a lot of money in my line of work…Im sure that is my fault.

Dream crusher I am.

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

We were on our way out of Catholic Mass one day when he saw the man with 7 kids and cheater literally got SO sullen and acted so genuinely upset that he was stuck with this horrible wife who (mostly) shut down the baby factory when he acted like a selfish ass who couldn’t handle the stress of a family.

In true narc fashion, for him it was completely normal for him to have a conversation of “wanting” to do something then later in another conversation he sincerely “wanted” to so something else but thing # 1 and thing #2 were mutually exclusive to an extreme degree. This got so much worse when he was planning his exit….he had one life plan in the morning, one at noon and a different one by dinner.

He refused to do any job that wasnt super cool and enviable…the fire was fueled by him actually getting a super cool enviable job for a while so this delusion was actually reinforced.

Leigh
Leigh
6 years ago

I gave birth to our daughter. And I became the enemy. Then I gave birth to our son, and he left. I guess he thought there were no more kibbles for him with two kids and an infant.

I also convinced him we could save 30,000 for a down payment for a half million dollar house in the Bay Area, which we later sold for 165,000 more in equity.

Then I master planned that we could move to a lovely little lake town where he could do all the endurance activities and triathlons he wanted (while I watched kids when he went out) and because the area was less expensive than the bay, I could then stay home and raise our children and cook him dinner every night.

I ruined his life!! He could have been so awesome! That’s what his chiropractic receptionist told him anyway! And he believed her! Now they are the awesomest together!!! (Rolling my eyes)

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  Leigh

I meet up with a friend last night, our kids go to school together, she know my story and me and she said ‘any normal giy would be thrilled to have a women like you, your hard working, easy going and funny’ wow really touched a nerve that I had spent so long with that ungrateful fucker!

Patsy
Patsy
6 years ago

I said to my son ‘not wanting to be rude about your father, but I have found since he isn’t in my life I am having a lot more fun than I ever did before’.

He said ‘yes I can see that’.

So, (because it would be nice it this all had meaning, if we were just not good for each other) I asked ‘and if he happier? Is his life better?

Son: no, not really, he is completely stressed.

Damn me for taking his emotional punching bag away! All that projection, nowhere to put it!

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

I think that both of our husbandcheaters had the same coping mechanism…imagine they are the captain of a boat..a larger, respectable boat. Thier wife isnt valued or respected, she is seen as the utilitarian raft that is tethered to their big boat. Whenever something unpleasant is dealt with, they blame the wife and metaphorically dump it onto the raft.

Imagine this goes on for years…the raft tethered to them is rather full of old, rancid, dreaded, unpleasant things and they soothe themselves that all they have to do is cut the tether of the raft and send it down river and they will be released of all of the unpleasantness associated with it.

What a coping plan…it works so well they do it for YEARS….no problem is too big or small to dump on the raft. At some point doing so is such a habit that they don’t know anything else.

While wife is scrambling to keep the raft afloat with all the shit he has piled onto the raft he makes her live on, he gets lonely on his boat, so he invites an OW to join him…when we get mad, he explains that we were too far away so he got lonely…never mind it was him who sent us away.

So many guys eventually cut the tether and let the raft go. He may try and try to continue to throw his shit towards you but you are gone. As much as it hurt like hell to have him cut his tether (you figured that a raft was better than nothing all those years) you realize that life on the raft without shit flying off the bow of his ship was better than life before.

Before Cheater died, I had already developed this “raft theory” but I was still smoking hopium that he would have an epiphany and stop this mode of behavior and be willing to let me on his ship and learn to solve problems together. I was delusional….if they do this for YEARS, it is virtually impossible for them to change. The only option we have is to cut the tether ourselves.

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

What a fabulous analogy – it is perfect!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

You forgot to mention that many times when the raft is cut loose, it floats magnificently, while that big boat sinks.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicornnomore, I think you should write a book, or poetry, that was amazing! I love mental imagery, it helps me process the chaos and make sense of it all. You deserve all the peace and freedom you have now, after that mess you put up with!
Beautiful freedom, that’s the key!

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

Thanks…My story is compelling in the crazy turns it takes, and there are things that might help people, but I would have to tell the whole truth and my kids would be hurt, so I likely never will.

This morning as I work up, I remembered that I was hesitant to cut the tether and be set free because a divorce in my state takes about 4years and an annulment takes another 2…I couldn’t fathom making a decision that would require 4 years to get me where I wanted to be….and yet the worst of it was 12 years ago…had I cut the tether, I would have been recovering and free long before he died.

Patsy
Patsy
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

UNM, I had two tiny little interactions with him last week. They were so small, but the usual not meeting halfway or showing any ordinary human respect and the old anger and complete frustration started welling up again.

I am SO THANKFUL that that old torture has gone from my life. No wonder I was so angry, anxious and half demented. Yes that is my responsibility to choose my reaction, but the wounding projections that never, ever ended have gone. I never have to rage, worry, carefully consider my words, feel the devastation of being ignored as a human being again.

All my rage, worry, carefully considering my words and not taking other peoples rejection personally will be my full responsibility, in my own life goin