Is the Other Woman Prettier?

other woman prettier

Dear Chump Lady,

Is the other woman prettier than me? It’s dumb, but that’s what’s in my brain right now.

My husband won’t tell me who she is. She’s just some woman. I don’t know anything about her and he wants me to take his word for it that it’s over. It’s eating me up who she is and what she looks like. Maybe I met her and I didn’t know? She must know who I am. I’m sure they shared all sort of details about how I suck or what I do or don’t do in bed. 

God… this is killing me.

Signed,

My Thighs Are Fat

***

Dear Thighs,

I gotta tell you, this “is the other woman prettier” question is a no win. If she’s a Victoria Secret underwear model with tits out to there and a stomach you could bounce quarters off of? Yes, you’ll think, crap, I can never compete with that. If she’s a drudge with a hairlip who wears scrunchies, it’s almost worse. You destroyed our marriage to screw THAT? Seriously? I mean, you can wrap your mind around the Victoria Secret underwear model. It’s horrific, but it’s oddly understandable, in a caddish, reptilian part of your brain sort of way. But Ms. Hair Scrunchie? No. You have to be kidding.

She’s a dog turd with sprinkles.

But here’s the thing — this isn’t a competition. Anyone who would cheat with a married person is a dog turd. Some dog turds look like dog turds and some dog turds are covered in sugar frosting with rainbow sprinkles. But at the end of the day — they’re still dog turds, with or without frosting. They smell like dog turds. Their essence is that of dog turd.

Same with affair partners. It doesn’t matter what they look like. Affairs are about how that person made the cheater FEEL. It’s about narcissism. If Ms. Hair Scrunchie made your husband feel like a super stud, who was never wrong, and never responsible for any of the shit decisions of his life? Ms. Hair Scrunchie IS the super model. The other woman is “prettier” than you. (As amoral fuckwittery is in the eye of the beholder.) Cheaters just want to see themselves reflected at three times their natural fabulousness. If it weren’t that little piece of narcissistic supply, it would be another. Dog turds are pretty interchangeable.

No one is special to a narcissist.

It’s not you and it’s not your thighs. The problem is your husband has no integrity. He isn’t telling you who she is because he wants to protect himself, her, and the affair. He values his secrecy more than he values your healing. What the other woman looks like is not the issue — your husband’s entitlement is the issue. He’s perpetuating a power dynamic — he keeps all the knowledge (and power), and you stay in the dark (so he can keep eating cake).

Oh, and if you despair of your chubby thighs? (Which puts you in company with 99.9 percent of other women…) Consider that many of us with thighs fatter than yours have relationships with men and women who adore and respect us. It’s not your thighs — he’s a fuckwit. Use those lovely, powerful legs and walk away from him.

Subscribe
Notify of

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

274 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
7 years ago

Yep, it is not your thighs. It is HIS lack of character that is the issue. Cannot solve that problem, which is external to you, by looking internally at yourself. Not about you…it is his junk that he needs to fix himself.

JannaG
JannaG
7 years ago

Amen to that! I know it took me a long time to believe it, but it really is true. You can’t fix this by being “better”. The problem isn’t that you need to be better wife, it’s that HE needs to be a better husband. Right now, your husband has an amazing wife that is worried about whether she is pretty enough for him. Honey, you are TOO pretty for him and TOO good for him. He’s not beautiful enough inside for YOU.

p.s. Chump Lady, I love you, but seriously, you hurt my scrunchie’s feelings when you made a negative comment about scrunchies. Really, I had to pull it out of my hair when I read that comment.

CakelessinKalamazoo
CakelessinKalamazoo
7 years ago

Not a single rainbow sprinkle to be seen. Just pounds and pounds of dog turd, which happens to be older than I am and poorly ageing dog turd at that.

If she’d been some hot little thing or elegant college professor, I could understand it somewhat. But *that*??? Knowing what I do about her both emotionally, physically (very poor intimate health among other things she was all too happy to share in so many ways) and the not ageing gracefully at all (apparently stuffed or burst sausage casing is The Look), it was and is the biggest slap in the face. My then twelve-year-old daughter was so shocked and said between sobs,”But you’re so much prettier and nicer!” Maybe that was the problem. Oh, and the smart thing. Apparently liking things like reading, learning, pushing myself to be more well rounded and not being content to just drift are huge turn-offs.

Ex even said she had “sort of gross saggy pancake boobs” and “kind of looks like a pile of mashed potatoes from her boobs to her knees”, so you really could have knocked me over with a feather when I learned what was going down. And then I wondered what in the blue fuck he’d say about me to her if he’d talk that way about “the love of his life.” to me.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
7 years ago

And doesn’t his description confirm that it isn’t looks that draw their attention but the smell of new kibbles?

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedAJackass

. . . which turn out to be dog turds. The smell can’t be hidden for long.

CakelessinKalamazoo
CakelessinKalamazoo
7 years ago

And yeah, it isn’t about your looks. Supermodels and actresses are cheated on all the time, and they are supposed to be the beauty gold standard. It’s just because the assholes can, so they do.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
7 years ago

Yep cakeless!
Eva, Elin, Sandra, Sienna, Jennifer, Elizabeth, Denise, Halle, Sophia, Uma, Christie, Robert, Seal, Guy, Quaid……shall I continue?…….
No! (answered my own ?)
We should get the point……ITS NOT US……its that they have LOUSY/NO CHARACTER!!!

Peaceful chump1111
Peaceful chump1111
7 years ago

Amen to that! Mythighsarefat please don’t worry about that! I did get to see a few of the pictures exchanges and realized this world is so warped. These people are not attractive that he was communicating with. im telling you. U g l y. So then I realized this world is just so twisted that he’s a part of and don’t worry about it. But yes. What chump lady said about “he messed up our marriage for this?” Goes through my head all the time. It’s absolutely insane. Keep your head up high. Your worth more than this and it’s not about you or your thighs. Stay strong!

JannaG
JannaG
7 years ago

Really think about it. If a woman was a Victoria Secret model, smart, kind, loyal, etc., she could have her pick of the litter. Why would she scrape the bottom of the barrel to date an unavailable married guy who lacks character? She can do better, so she does. FYI: You can also do better. Food for thought…

happily never after
happily never after
7 years ago

I’ve said it before here. X went for a girl-child 40 yrs younger who is at the bottom of the food chain. Not about the thighs-about the opportunity.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago

The power dynamic thing is spot on. He is making sure you know your place by telling you about the damage without opening up about the rest. I also agree that the rest is irrelevant, but that doesn’t stop it from being true that the stonewalling is abusive.

I’m so sorry. You deserve better.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

Cheaters cheat period. Looks dont really matter its all about stroking the male ego and the buildup. Asswipes whore pretended she loved everything he does. She doesnt and now her slips are showing. Other than b and s sex and her money theyve nothing in common. And while she doesnt need a bag over her head she aint nothing. He got a woman who will sleep with married men acts like she in 8th grade and help break up a marriage and she got a angry lying cheater who cheats on her. They deserve each other.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Sorry, men aren’t the only ones capable of cheating.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago

THIS is 100% what it’s about : “If Ms. Hair Scrunchie made your husband feel like a super stud, who was never wrong, and never responsible for any of the shit decisions of his life? Ms. Hair Scrunchie IS the super model.”

I wasn’t interested in who the OW were, what they looked like or what their accomplishments were. Because I knew that their value to him lay in their being available and adoring. FULL STOP.

Unfortunately, it made me realize that’s what he saw in me as well, when we met. (Of course, he was single at that time.) But that was my value to him, and later on, I was an excellent wife appliance. But he didn’t see ME any more than he saw the OWs.

It’s all about the cheater. and their cheater-ness. The affair partner is pretty irrelevant, unless they get all up in your life.

nodancing
nodancing
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Yep, all they want are adoring fans. The over-idealization is constantly at work. He over-idealized me, he obviously over-idealizes her. She’s more on his level though: lower moral standards, far more narcissistic than I am. He’s placed her on a far higher pedestal than he placed me, I wasn’t involved in the break up of a marriage. It’s a long way down from the height of “I’m so awesome a man would leave his wife for me”.

JackiesDone
JackiesDone
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Karen E, you had so many replies it would not let me reply. Everything your are saying hit me to my core. You have such a skill at pinpointing and wording you should consider an article for new chumps to find when they are searching the web to make sense ofbit all.

Roberta
Roberta
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

KarenE, I agree the OW is irrelevant unless they get all up in your life. My Ex’s OW was going around town introducing herself as ME! Saying she was his wife, calling his doctor’s office for test results as his wife! Then she decided to try to call the shots in my settlement agreement! My Ex was cc-Ing her on all his correspondence with his divorce attorney! Luckily I was able to shut that shit down! After the divorce she was all up in our amended taxes for the two years he had screwed around and if I needed any documents for the IRS then the request was handled by this twat! Takes me at least a week to get one damn piece of paper from her! Her mommy, the pastor of no church, has a fax machine so mumsy gets to see all of MY personal biz too! Yeah! The OW is a pudgy little case of arrested development, but that pales in comparison to the way she squeezes her fat ass and nose in ALL my business! I believe she knows more about me than I know about myself! I just hate that!

Anne
Anne
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

KarenE,

I just came to this realization about a week ago. I couldn’t figure it out. Yes she’s 14 years younger than me, but she’s average looking, has a low level paying job, 2 young children (1 autistic and stbex is not patient AT ALL). I was describing my situation to someone the other day and saying that we were 20 & 22 when we married and in the same profession and equals.

He switched professions while I stayed in mine. He has had many jobs because after the first year he realizes everyone he works with is an idiot. I’ve been at the same employer for 25 years. I went back to school and got by college degree, written professional articles, known within by profession as an expert in a specific sub-specialty, I’ve been promoted and received countless raises. In fact I came home in shock about two years ago and he looked at me and said, “What, another raise?” I said no, a promotion and a raise. He was pissed. I’ve grown so much in our 27 year marriage. He’s has not.

I also did everything at home while he sat in front of the TV. I no longer saw him with my young, naive eyes, but with eyes that was working my butt off and not getting what I needed from him., He was pissed because I told him once that I wanted him, but didn’t know if I needed him. I know that was harsh, but if he wanted me to need him all he had to do was show that he adored me, that I came before all others, and to share in our life not sit and watch me work.

So it’s about finding someone who will not see him for what he is, but for how he wants to be seen.

donna
donna
7 years ago
Reply to  Anne

Anne you described life with the Limited with underdeveloped potential, always switching jobs and inadequate to the core.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
7 years ago
Reply to  Anne

>>>>>>>>>>I also did everything at home while he sat in front of the TV. I no longer saw him with my young, naive eyes, but with eyes that was working my butt off and not getting what I needed from him., He was pissed because I told him once that I wanted him, but didn’t know if I needed him. I know that was harsh, but if he wanted me to need him all he had to do was show that he adored me, that I came before all others, and to share in our life not sit and watch me work.

So it’s about finding someone who will not see him for what he is, but for how he wants to be seen.<<<<<<<<<<<<

Amen, absolute truth in my case, too!!!!

Anne
Anne
7 years ago

So many of our stories are the same. Putting up with piles of crap and not caring because we believe we’re in love. I’m beginning to think the OW did me the biggest favor. I was always worried about him doing something stupid or reckless and getting himself or someone else hurt. I’m thankful not only that my youngest reached 21 prior to D day so I don’t have any child support issues to deal with but that I found out when I did and I didn’t have to honor, “To death do us part” for one more second. If I ever get married again, which I think I will check myself in a psych ward for electric shock therapy first, I will insist on changing the vows. I will remove the death do us part to include infidelity and every last item on “The 3 Douchiest Things You Don’t Miss” from last Friday. Can you picture the bride-to-be standing in front of the minister for hours discussing bathroom behavior?

Linden
Linden
7 years ago
Reply to  Anne

When I first uncovered one of the ex’s affairs, it was right around the time we were finishing up what had seemed to be a successful course of marital counseling. After I told ex that his deception had caused me to change my opinion of him, he said, “I don’t like it that you see me differently now.” That’s all it was about. That’s all it ever was about.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

I am thankful that I knew from early on that it wasn’t about the OWs – it was about him and his choice to cheat.

When I caught him, I thought she was the only one. I had hired a PI to document their evening so I would have proof mainly because I knew he would lie and deny. When the PI first saw her, he was talking with me on the phone and he blurted out ‘I think she’s pregnant’. That sent me in a momentary spin but it turned out that she had a big belly and was wearing a baggy outfit.

Later when I found out he was a serial cheater, I decided that yes, I was curious about the women, what they looked like, their life, etc. but I still knew not to focus on them. I found out what I needed to know about the ones that I could in case I needed it for legal reasons but that was it. He had a few regulars in town but mostly one night stands while traveling and prostitutes.

Cheater cheated because he could and it wasn’t about what the women looked like. It was about them spreading their legs quickly and easily for him with little effort on his part.

Tequilatamm
Tequilatamm
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Wife Appliance indeed!

I was a Stepford Wife Appliance: Younger than him by a bit, blonde, outgoing, and able to rake in the money for him and keep a nice house while he went out and got his rocks off. Yep, his very own Barbie Doll.

Until I got a little older, at which point he decided to trade me in for 12 year old Thai prostitutes who looked like young boys. Oh, and then there was his 19 year old girlfriend. She had a nice body, but was the biggest piece of white trash that ever existed.

Although it was fun to happen across an e-mail she wrote to her bodybuilder boyfriend that my ex found, where she told said boyfriend she couldn’t see him anymore because she needed a new car, and she found a sucker to buy it for her. It was almost worth my hard earned money going to that skank’s car, just to know my turd knew he got taken for a ride. No pun intended.

Turds, all of them. Trust that he sucks.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  Tequilatamm

Tequilatamm, you were married to complete and utter trash. I felt my stomach turn as I read.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

That’s pretty mighty KarenE.
It took me several sleepless nights of ready CL columns and CN responses to realize it wasn’t about what the whores looked like, it was about the narcissist.

The one thing about this letter that really strikes me is that the husband is telling her he had an affair and nothing else. The power dynamic here is that he is working hard to injure her by dropping this information on her an if he is working hard to hurt her then there’s a big chance he is taking pleasure in watching the show as she twists herself in doubt and anguish.

Run Thighs! Run!

ChumptyDumpty
ChumptyDumpty
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Absolutely, AllOutOfKibble! Sitting back & enjoying the show.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

This. I am the one in the hair scrunchie (then and now) while my husband was and is always deemed to be extremely good looking, charming, and fun. I did the pick-me dance in college when we were both single. And amazing to both myself and others … I WON! Why? Because I so obviously worshiped him. He loved that I loved him, which is quite different from he loved me. When lies and deception came to light through out the years (30 years … shudder), I was devastated each time but then I would forgive him and we would continue on. My forgiveness was genuine and complete because I really did love him and could not bare to let the truth be revealed to myself. I was his greatest alibi. So much of the anger I have is directed at myself for being so chumpy. Now that I barely give him the time of day while I patiently wait for that pension to vest, he realizes that he doesn’t love me at all. Neither one of us were fully aware of the dynamics.

Jayne
Jayne
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Oh Dixie Chump – I so understand what you are saying. ‘The Great I Am’ never saw me either. He told me daily how much he loved me, but he didn’t love me at all – what he loved was how much I adored him, what he loved was how good I made him feel about himself – me? – I was nothing to him – I doubt very much he even knows who the hell I am, certainly he proved it time and time again that he hadn’t a clue what was important to me or the things I cared most about. I was merely a ‘kibble dispenser appliance’ with no humanity of my own. Sad but true. I can’t be angry with myself about it – I was clueless to the true nature of the disordered narcissist that he is. If it were to happen again? Now I’m ‘educated’? – yep, I could be mad at myself for being a fool.

NCStevie
NCStevie
7 years ago
Reply to  Jayne

Same here Jayne, X-hole told me daily that he loved me and yet deep down I knew he couldn’t really mean it. “Can’t see the forest for the trees” has a new meaning in my life now. I see him more clearly now than I ever have. Slept next to him every night for 8 years and never knew him at all. He actually screamed that at me on DDay #2 “YOU DON’T KNOW ME!!”, at the time I was flabbergasted and now I know it’s probably the only honest thing he ever said to me. Such a waste of time & air. Asshole.

lovedandlost
lovedandlost
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

In my case, I,too, so obviously adored him. At least until 15 years and two kids later when I got to know who he really was. It was about that time that he started looking. And a few years later he found a “friend” who had also been a friend of mine. She saw that he adored her. He told neighbors that she was so “hot”.
She is definitely different from me but only in that she doesn’t know him yet. They may think they are “soul(sex)-mates” but when she gets to know the lying narc he really is that may change. I know that I have to focus on myself and forget about them but my heart hasnt caught up with my brain yet. The hurt is still there. It takes time. Just waiting for the karma bus…

creativerational
creativerational
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Keep doing what you got to do! This shit is hard and this plan is… Soul sucking. I totally get it.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
7 years ago

It’s definitely a case of “It’s not you it’s them!” So cliche but so true. The bottom line is that an affair partner could be anyone as long as they blow smoke up the cheater’s ass and feed them the appropriate amount of kibbles. Working yourself up over it is just one more distraction so you’re not paying attention to what’s really important: Yourself and why you think you deserve this behavior.

Your husband is holding back information to protect his affair without any regard for you. That right there should tell you that there’s no unicorns here. I bet if you look real close you’ll see more evidence. This isn’t about you and any perceived short comings. It’s about him and his many real short comings.

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
7 years ago

I am so sorry you are going through this. Asshat never planned to tell me about his twu wuv affair but then the AP wigged out and ratted him out. He, too, refused to reveal her identity. I asked if I should walk around thinking every woman was going to kill me. He was a selfish, asshole and insisted I didn’t need to know. I wondered if she was some glamorous starlet. He assured me it was over. Now, over a year after D-Day, O know the PA was probably over but they were in contact for most of last year. Four months after D-Day, she forced the issue and he had to tell her name. She was one of about eight women I suspected. He had fallen in love with her. He worshipped her. Yet he expected me to just forget all about her and the few hurtful tidbits he did reveal. I decided I would not only line up ducks but find out more about Florence (Sluntingale – she’s a nurse). Turns out even though he valued her for her bendypornstar talents, her sweet innocence and her awesome past (she has a BFF Pop star! Oops, she is just a wingnut stalking fan….), she’s just a lying lunatic. I can be objective about outward appearances. Sure, strangers would say she is prettier than me but every fibre of my being knows Asshat and Nurse Sluntingale are both BIG ASS DOG TURDS.

Good luck!

PS Your thighs are kick ass. Please, literally, use them to kick his ass!

happily never after
happily never after
7 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyElf

Mighty good advice CE!

Maree
Maree
7 years ago

My replacement is not attractive at all but she is 40 years younger than I am. She can hardly speak a word of English which is the ex’s primary language but I do understand that luv speaks all languages! The ex’s tart is 14 years younger than my 37 year daughter and 10 years younger than my 33 year son and she looks much older than both of them. She has dodgy looking gums in her mouth and she paints her face like a cheap hooker who has bad eyesight ! She is dripping with gold bracelets and rings which he has bought her and takes her travelling everywhere with him. He never bought me one piece of jewellery in 37 years of marriage and never took me anywhere because he didn’t want to be seen with me. Having said all of that, the tart has been welcomed into my family with open arms and I have been pushed out. Sad for me but it is my reality to understand.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Really sucks when our own families welcome them in. Especially the kids. Sigh. My kids hate it but they deal with it. Their father has ignored them mostly the last three years they are aware boy are they aware. They are polite to his whore but not welcoming. The whore is forever asking about me. I told both of them what i do is none of their fathers and the whores business and refuse to discuss me with them. The whore wants me to just find somebody already so all of us can forgive forget and be great friends! Asswipe knows better.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Kara marie, I will never forgive or forget the damage that has been caused to my once lovely family because I was married to a predator. I like to think that even though my kids don’t want me in their lives that deep down they still think of me as Mum. Well at least I hope so because I was their only constant from the moment they were born.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

My heart bleeds for you maree. Children should never take sides or be encouraged to do that. But to drop mom cause of him and his bitch almost unforgivable and the father who doesnt encourage the kids to have a great relationship with their mom is not a good father just low life scum. All my children told their father when he tried to make them takes sides that if he insisted they take sides they would take my side he backed off the whore hasnt. They told him he was fucked up what he did and it was wrong he was wrong and they love me and have no intention on replacing me with whore juice. And if he doesnt like that thats too damn bad. I never told them they needed to take a side but he did that pissed the kids off. Hes mostly ignored them anyway i said to the kids do have whatever relationship you can with your dad hes in lala land and thats his life now. It is what it is. He ignors them they mostly ignor him works both ways. Just leave me out of it and do not discuss me with him or whorejuice. He fired me so none of their damn business. I also told him if you badger anyone about info about me i know where you live and the very first time i lay eyes on whore juice it will be a really bad scene. She seems to want to know all about me where i know very little of her and dont care to. I know all i need to know. Low moral character whore im thankful my kids are all grown as she will have zero influence on them. The whore seems to think i interegate my kids for info about the two of them especially her and when she asks them doesnt mom want to know about me and how happy i make your dad doesnt mom ask about us? They are pleased to tell her mom never asks and doesnt care if either of you lives, breathes or dies. Whore very dissappointed says oh and looks sad. What the hell does she care anyway. Effing bitch!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

My Thighs–ask any therapist and they will say that TRANSPARENCY is key to reconciliation. He won’t tell you who she is? Not transparent. Dump him. When my cheater attempted his Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse after D-day, my last test was to have him tell me gradwhore’s name. He wouldn’t. I handed him the divorce petition (I had already filed) and said, “Turn these in to the court.” Game over, you lose.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago

I don’t understand why people think that “looks” are what makes a man stray. What I have seen most of the time is that the mistress is always a downgrade than the wife. And usually, it’s someone who is at the same level as the cheater, personality wise, meaning they feel comfortable with each other because they’re either messed up the same way, or they think in the same dysfunctional way. They are both scraping the bottom of the barrel and connect at that level.

nodancing
nodancing
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Yes, OW in my case is bigger and fatter than me and not very pretty anymore though she could have been considered pretty in the past I guess. BUT she worships at the alter of Stbx, and is just like him, even he says so. They are both narcissistic, have low integrity and extremely flexible morals. She will also take all his advice and act on it, she is like his project.

nodancing
nodancing
7 years ago
Reply to  nodancing

Also the worse their behavior, the lower their standards have to be for supply. They can’t employ really high quality people for supply because they won’t buy their bullshit, so they start heading to the bottom of the barrel.

KB22
KB22
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Could not agree more.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Bingo! Kellia. They seek their equal, their partner-in-crime. I’ve been told I’m sweet, kind, pretty, lot’s of nice things, by our mutual friends, who can’t believe X treated me so shitty I ran out of his life (after 35 years!)
The OW has things in common with him all right- LOVES alcohol and being drunk, Xanax, Lortabs, and throwing silly parties all the time. Big whoop. I’ll take my interests over his and hers any day!
She’s a phoney who ends up screaming at. and alienating most of her friends, who all think she’s NUTS. She might be, since she ‘tried’ to kill herself FOUR TIMES because my X was ‘playing’ her. What a Loon. Of course, now he can’t stand her, she hates him, but lets him live in her basement….
Oops, got to get back to my Peaceful Life over here, away from them!

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Yes, Kellia, so true! The Hydra was a total downgrade for the ex. But she is at his level, morally, intellectually, every other way. They’re actually a great match in some ways. But with 6 husbands under her belt, and him a lying cheater, the odds of a lasting happy union are not so good. On the other hand, two dog turds flopping happily on the sidewalk together until they merge into one smelly, mushy pile? They might make it work, but decent people will tend to avoid that side of the street.

Teri
Teri
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

You said it perfectly, they go to someone on their gutter level. They can’t live up to a normal, decent standard. My ex cheated with the lowest excuse of a woman but as he told me, he didn’t have to live up to anything with her, no expectations, no morals so he could feel good about himself. She trashes every place she lives in and then gets evicted. The state took her kids for a year due to neglect, she steals from everyone, including her son’s pay while he was deployed to Iraq, stole from the church fundraiser, steals from employers, doesn’t pay a bill, sent her kid out collecting donations for a fake charity and lives off of other people but posts what a good Christian she is!! It was too hard for him to be a decent, caring partner, to contribute to our life. I am a month out from our final break up and it feels wonderful, not to be carrying his crap around anymore. I thought I could “save” him, what a joke! He never wanted to be saved. I am going to take some time and there will be a nice, caring man out there and I won’t be sucked in by a narcissist again, sadly I learned from the best! My best advice to anyone is RUN for your life the FIRST time they cheat, don’t believe they care and love you, they don’t-they only love themselves. It is scary how truly cold they are inside but you don’t see it until you finally wake up to the reality. Life is good, treat yourself better!

CakelessinKalamazoo
CakelessinKalamazoo
7 years ago
Reply to  Teri

Teri, are you sure we weren’t married to the same guy? I was reading your comment and ticking off the similarities of the OW on my fingers, right down to the stealing/lying for charity, losing her kids for a year, claiming to be a good Christian and getting kicked out of apartment after apartment because her kids destroyed them or she racked up such a huge bed bug and/or roach infestation so often they just wanted her gone.

Scary! *cringe*

Teri
Teri
7 years ago

I thought I was alone and unique in this crazy situation until I found all these other stories online, how sad that our lives are a stereotype of dealing with pathetic, narcissistic people. It has truly helped to see that their craziness follows a pattern and it has zero to do with our relationship, how we interacted with them. I read stories and I think “check” to that comment, “check” to that comment, yep, he has done all of these things, said these exact things. What do they have-a book to tell them what to say and do to us?? One of the best quotes I’ve found says “If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave” I realized this is their sad story and I don’t have to stick around for the end. I am going back to the wonderful life I had before I met him and he gets to keep his same old sad life where he chooses drama and chaos. Sucks to be him. Thanks for writing, it helps to know others are out here and it’s not just me struggling.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Teri

True–they find their own level. My X’s current GF (who almost definitely was an AP) is pretty & makes a good salary, but has the same morals as my X. When my PI accessed her Facebook page, the PI emailed me a shocked “She was married with 2 children when she started dating your X?” I laughed out loud, and wanted to say, “Honey, you need to go read the deplorable stories on chumplady. Breaking up two families with children is minor compared to other freak-of-the-week stories.”

Jayne
Jayne
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Wow Tempest – she’s previously married with two kids??? Bloody hell! Don’t tell me, let me guess … kids are back home while she studies in the US? Ha! Now she’s bagged herself an older American Professor? Oh, definitely looks like her ‘life plan’ has come together for her!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Jayne

She was married to an American (probably got her green card), had 2 kids, then dumped him for the wealthy, suave (sociopathic) professor–my X. The kids live with her & Hannibal half-time; what I wouldn’t pay for a camera in his residence to see how he handles that! He barely tolerated our own children. And I would pay good money to talk to her X!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Absolutely, Kellia. In fact, I looked up some research on infidelity the other day and only 12% of mistresses were deemed prettier than the wife (no research on women who cheat, unfortunately). So generally, mistresses are uglier outside as well as inside.

Lania
Lania
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

And the 12% which are ‘prettier’ have that ‘prosititute’ look about them. Usually fake boobs/plastic surgery, extensive dental work, makeup so thick that if they smile their face will crack, and those skank-eyes.
In other words, they’re ugly as fuck or look like a hooker.
I’ve never seen an OW who actually looks genuinely beautiful on the outside – and they certainly are not on the inside!

Carmella1722
Carmella1722
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I looked up all those stats in the early days after dday and a surprisingly large percentage of men didn’t find the mistress more attractive. In fact around 80 % report not even being unhappy in the marriage. I personally think they may be attracted more to a type i.e. the party girl, the bad boy, and try to run with that fantasy. The diifference as always is the lack of integrity and not being grounded in reality. I enjoy the fantasy of being whisked away by some millionaire and go jetsetting around the world, but in reality, I just want someone I can share books with and curl up next to on the couch in my jammies, no makeup, hair in a pony. Love me, love my chubby thighs and crows feet ’cause as long as you’re good to me, I really don’t mind your decreasing hairline and increasing belly.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Carmella1722

Yaaaas. Any billionairesses want me as a fuck-toy?

Anne
Anne
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

You’re on. I’ll tell you sweet little lies that I can’t disguise. (My stbeh and I are) better off apart, so why don’t we give it a try, I’ll tell you sweet little lies. 🙂

Anne
Anne
7 years ago
Reply to  Anne

Never mind, I have character and we’ve all been lied too enough. I’m not a millionaire nor am I Fleetwood Mac.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Sorry to break the news, Ian. Leona Helmsley died. ; (

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

SCORE! Spitting coffee on the keyboard! Tempest, you’re a quick one.

DavidB
DavidB
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Well my wife picked a 26 year old her 40. Other than age, nothing special at all about him. He was short. She likes tall. He was chubby. And from what I am told not packing much….. He makes a lot less money. It all boils down to no morals no character. It was exciting. It was ego boost. It was because she could. And to address why he wont tell you who she is or any details…. because the truth is much worse than you can imagine and he knows what will happen if you know.

Anne
Anne
7 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

I was laughing with a girlfriend that when I’m ready for sex I should just find me a boy toy. To me that’s anything under 30. The problem is, my oldest is 26 and that’s just plain sick and I would feel creepy.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

Daaaamn David.

Why do you know about his cock? ??

She sucks.

DavidB
DavidB
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Funny you should ask….. one she had pictures on her phone… two I called his fiancé to let her know what was going on…. she did not get what my wife saw in him….. and then she said he doesn’t even have a big cock…. quite the opposite…. so its not that I tried to find out it was just there…..

DavidB
DavidB
7 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

No but we discussed at least how we could make them believe we had!

Carmella1722
Carmella1722
7 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

In their raunchy endless sexting, OW referenced his ‘magnificent cock’. I think the M word she’s looking for is micro.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Carmella1722

For me? If a guy didn’t like my dogs. Deal breaker. Eventually, that guy that hates her dogs is going to kick one across the room. IF one of them slapped one my Danes, well, they just better not.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Carmella1722

Also having a huge belly laugh. I didn’t catch what Ian caught (guys catch those things) but – I’m not sure why any man would post their cock, no matter what size – ummm…well…nev-va mind (size doesn’t matter) but that photo never turns a woman on (well, not me anyway). By the time you get to my age, all you see is a hard cock waving under your nose wanting a b/j or h/j and – IT just wants off. (Yeah, I had that kind of marriage)
Anyway, loved the laugh tonight.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

David,

Did you fuck his fiancé?

Sausalito
Sausalito
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Ha! The OW’s husband and I talked about hooking up just to spite them, but never followed through…

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

😀 I’m laughin so hard Beau is lookin at me a little concerned!!!!

Oh thank you for this beautiful day belly laugh Ian!!!

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Oh shit Ian!!! 😀 You are incorrigible!!!

Oh shit I just love it!!!! ROTFLMAO!!!!

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!!!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Thanks Tempest. And you’re right, mistresses are ugly on the inside and outside!

Let go
Let go
7 years ago

My brother’s ex probably had more than one. He didn’t care. He just wanted her to stay gone and for his kids to be ok.
How did you find out? If he told and is keeping her a secret then he is a huge asshole. If someone else told they know who she is. There might be job repercussions, a big, dangerous, husband or loss of status. Or he might just be an even bigger asshole for not telling. You can do detective work but she will still be the person who cheats with married men. The large, looming factor in all this is how your husband discounts your needs. Yep, he is a giant asshole.

KellyP
KellyP
7 years ago
Reply to  Let go

Or she’s part of the family or some how close to the chump….doesn’t matter, just run

PF
PF
7 years ago

Cheaters cheat with the bottom of the barrel choices. The bottom of the barrel can be ugly or even good looking on the outside but have one thing in common in that they are available and lack a soul.

The fact your husband refuses to tell you who he cheated with has nothing with looks and the size of your thighs. Let me guess your husband isn’t a male super model with a zoolander blue steel look.

Most cheaters do not fit the movie star looks department, but imagine they are unique in some way. Cheaters come in all shapes and sizes, but the one thing they have in common is their entitlement.

I think your biggest problem is not about your thighs but that your cheater husband is denying your right to know who he cheated with. This is about control, not about thighs.

FicoChump
FicoChump
7 years ago

This is your therapy section with CL world! Trust me we are more certified that some “professionals” Am I correct CN?! It is not your it is the psycho husband, like CL said she was available for a$$hat. My a$$hat is/was (do not care) with a “fitness whore” who was being unfaithful with a$$hat. A$$hat has a beer belly and once they are together for 24/7 (I dream about that aa a revenge ?) and she discovered that there is no expensive dinners anymore, no more wine courtesy of corporate credit cards, I can not take the trash because I am tired…. ? the Karma bus will hit him fast. This is what I said to “‘myself” everyday: It is not me it is him! after this situation I now feel more confident so please, please do not beat yourself and do not lose your sleep for these a$$hats. iF you do not have a job get one and start saving money.. Hugs

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
7 years ago

My Theighs Are Fat – Well mine are a little bigger than I want them to be too, but oh well. I never found out who the whores were that stbx bought his fuck phone to talk to were or the sluts he was chatting it up with on Yahoo and frankly I don’t really care. It doesn’t really matter because I know I am a better person than all of them. When we were ‘discussing’ the divorce one day my stbx told me what a nice person I am. Yep – he’s right. He told me not too long ago how gorgeous I am. Yep – he’s right. And he was willing to give THIS up for THAT? Idiot. It’s entitlement and selfishness. Who cares what she looks like – regardless, she is an ugly person for knowingly messing around with a married man. End of story.

Chumped in Chicago
Chumped in Chicago
7 years ago

This reply is not about your cheater of a jerk of a husband. I read your story about your cheating ex but all I really saw was “It’s my fault, I didn’t do this and I don’t look like that and I won’t do that”. If you want to get over this, work on your self esteem – that is one of the first thing I had to do – and the “him cheating” will fall into the place it belongs. He is responsible for his actions. I wish you the best.

WiserToday
WiserToday
7 years ago

I knew I could never compete with the internet images that my Serial X devoted his attention to, sent money to, never came to bed so he could chat with and give “shows” to. But it was when he moved things into Real Life with a hundred-haired dumpy troll whose claim to fame was four previous marriages, who had a dead-end job and no aspirations other than achieving Mambo #5, that I realized that the problem really wasn’t mine to fix, other than giving him the freedom to make stupid choices that would no longer affect me.

blessingindisguise
blessingindisguise
7 years ago

From the Northern Pikes – “She Ain’t Pretty”

I fell in love with a model from hell
It took some time for my hormones to tell
That chasing her has been a grave mistake
She ain’t pretty, she just looks that way

Her ego wrote checks incredibly fast
But her personality didn’t have the cash
I laughed out loud to my total dismay
She ain’t pretty, she just looks that way

From my Dad – Beauty is skin deep, ugly goes right to the core.

From me – It’s not a competition, though it certainly feels that way.

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago

Liking this very much!

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago

LOVE LOVE LOVE that!!! All of it!

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
7 years ago

Ooh, adding to the Pikes’ wisdom: “She’s a girl with a problem and there ain’t no cure.”

ANC
ANC
7 years ago

Thumbs Up!

fooliette
fooliette
7 years ago

The ow in my case is 24 – thirty years younger than my husband. He met her on an international dating site. She’s a beautiful young girl, very slim. A lot like I was, 30 years ago. I can’t compete with that. I’m having a hard time with the fact that I thought love meant loving and accepting a person for who they are, not how smooth and firm their body is. So apparently while I truly loved my husband for who he is (or who I thought he was, rather), he only loved me til I started getting old. It was okay for him to get old, but I failed the test of time by aging. Ow also barely speaks English, and as I told my husband, she has none of HIS baggage – she didn’t have to run a B&B for his parents for 25 years, she never got blown off and invalidated by him and treated like her opinion didn’t matter, never got berated for spending money on the kids’ school supplies. (He sent her money and gifts, and is too obtuse to admit that the money and gifts are the only reason a cute girl like that would be interested in a man old enough to be her father.) No wonder she’s so fresh and attentive and SMILING. He claims he broke it off, but I notice more and more how he is drawn to women her age, chatting and interested in every cute waitress/cashier/whatever he comes across. I’m tired. I raised two kids. I’ve never been unemployed. I’m menopausal. I’m 30 pounds overweight and every time I make a big effort to lose weight, I lose nothing, so I don’t even want to try anymore. My self-esteem is at al all time low, when I was actually feeling pretty good about how well I was aging until Miss Thang entered the scene. I feel like shit.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  fooliette

Fooliette, I am so sorry to read your story. It is very similar to mine sadly. The only difference is my ex is 63 and his tart is 23. She is not beautiful and not even near it, in fact if you put me alongside of her when I was 23 she could not hold a candle to me or walk in my shadow. However, that doesn’t change the fact that we have been cast aside for a tramp, no more no less. I can relate to every word you have posted just as other Chumps here can. It will get better trust me because I never, ever thought I would make it through but I have. I can say with my hand on my heart that I am truly glad that my ex predator has gone and you will be too one day. Just remember fooliette, whilst it may not be of any comfort at the moment, we had the best years of their life and no matter how hard they try, they are still old men. They are old fools and there is no fool like and old fool. Stay with us here at Chump Nation and we will help get you through to the other side and you will gain some semblance of happiness and peace of mind again. Many, many hugs to you.

Jayne
Jayne
7 years ago
Reply to  fooliette

Hi Fooliette,

I agree with FreeWoman – it definitely sounds like your husband is in a fantasy lala land where he is still 21. So much so, that he is being a complete fool. Please don’t let his foolishness take you down with him. Yes, she’s very young and nubile and all that – but we both know it’s a scam, don’t we? She hasn’t got your life experience, or the real memories you shared with asshat. He can fantasise all he likes but it’s nothing but sex – what are they going to talk about? Is she going to remember bubble perms and zoot suits? He’s chosen to walk away from any connection to who he is. For now, he might that an attractive proposition (he’s in LaLa Land) but he’s choosing really superficial and pretend over real and honest. He’s a complete idiot and deserves the lonely old age he’s got coming to him. Please. don’t be whipped by the current fashion fascism regarding weight and body image. In the grand scheme of things it wasn’t so long ago that a curvy woman was deigned the most desirable (please look at paintings by Rubens, Renoir to name but two) I have a good friend who would happily describe herself as a ‘big’ girl – men cannot resist her-she is full of life and vitality and she is a beautiful woman. Celebrate your womanly form, look to burlesque for inspiration. No, you are not 21 and slim – you are whatever age and fecund and beautiful – don’t let the fascists grind you down!

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  fooliette

In the end, my marriage to the X (alcohol abuser, not cheater) was finally over when, at one wedding of people from my professional life, he flirted with the mother of one of my students, the bride, and the bridesmaid. That was it for me.

uneffingbelievable
uneffingbelievable
7 years ago
Reply to  fooliette

Fooliette – please stop putting yourself down. You are comparing yourself to someone who could be your daughter. Please remember this every time you feel not good enough – SHE WANTS A GREEN CARD. A beautiful, slim young woman has no interest in an older man who has let himself go with the exception of what he can do for her. He doesn’t love her – he loves himself and she’s just an accessory to make him look good. Like a big, tacky Rolex to wear on his wrist. An international dating website is like a pet adoption site. The dogs have no say in who adopts them and these young women have little more choice. They are desperate to leave their country and come to the good old USA. It’s a business transaction.

Just keep saying GREEN CARD to yourself until it really sinks in.

Fallulah_G
Fallulah_G
7 years ago
Reply to  fooliette

((BIG HUGS))

“I can’t compete with that.”

No no no. Why would you want to compete with a piece of crap?

Thus far in my life I have yet to witness a man angling to date women significantly younger that doesn’t have HUGE and startlingly dysfunctional control issues.

So if you can’t “compete” ? No you likely can’t be as easily controlled and unaware of what a proper relationship should look like in order to avoid such ludicrous set ups.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  fooliette

Hi fooliette,
Hope you are taking your cheater to the curb and leaving him there, Read around this site. There’s a lot of goof information about how to move forward.

A surprising thing happened to a lot of us here after we cut the cheater out of our life and went No Contact, we got healthier. When the thing that was killing us slowly was no longer there we invested in ourselves, mentally, physically, spiritually and it helped. Some of us were in the forums a couple weeks ago talking about the medications we no longer need or how our doses have been dropped by our doctors for no good reason other than we cut the cheater out of our lives.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

It’s true. Dear Fooliette, if you leave, you’ll find out. The love and attention you gave to your spouse, you now give to yourself, and it’s FANTASTIC! And it feels so right, and long overdue. It sounds like your H is in total denial that he will age, and in his mind he’s forever 21. I don’t know if that’s fixable. Please take good care of yourself.

Chumpasaurus Rex
Chumpasaurus Rex
7 years ago

Everything that CL said is SPOT ON! My cheater dumped me for his 25 yo law student secretary. She isn’t bright, she isn’t accomplished, and she is entirely unremarkable in the looks department. It really made me realize that it didn’t matter who he cheated on me with, she was there and fell all over him like he was a God. He blew so much smoke up her ass, it was ridiculous. He at one point told her how happy he was to finally be not married and she actually responded “I am so honored to be a part of your happiness.” Revolting. She also called him by his full first-name which was so odd (literally no one does), but I guess he dug it. This is the way he views all women though-not as people, but as things to boost his ego. I think most cheaters have this in common. They use people. He used to tell me “people must think that I have money or something when they see someone that looks like you with me.” It was always about how people perceived him. Jackass. I guess that he felt a little threatened when I got “uppity” and finally stopped concentrating on his career and focused on my own. As soon as I found success (and financial independence), I guess the marriage wasn’t big enough for the two of us and he preferred someone who was a little more dull and wouldn’t take away from his sparkle. That worked out for about 4 months. I tried to warn her (Why? I don’t know-I guess I am a chump to the end), and I truly pity and sympathize with his next victim.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago

LOL. Mine hated it when I achieved or was honored for my work or had any kind of outside attention. It took me some time to see he wasn’t just sad not to be the center of attention but he actually hated me for succeeding. How freaking bizarre!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

AlloutofKibble – It’s not that uncommon. The men I dated that were less successful than I was, really ended up resenting my success. No matter how much they told me they didn’t. Sooner or later, they would make comments like how I made so much more money than them, or how they were intimidated by me. It never failed. I also see this with my girlfriends who dated less successful men. Men’s earning power and income does define them, whether they admit it or not.

Buddy
Buddy
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

I do think a man’s income, wealth and power affects his standing in the sexual marketplace, whether or not any given man defines himself by those criteria. I would imagine the dynamics in a relationship do differ between a man married to a more dependent woman vs. being married to a financially independent woman.

I do think men tend to want to feel needed in a marriage, so if they really aren’t “needed” then they might feel insecure. (generalizing i realize)

chew
chew
7 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

Buddy,

I guess you have a point. Some women are attracted to wealth and power. However those are the type of women I would like to avoid. While i have done pretty well in the wealth department you would never know it unless I told you. I don’t drive a new car or have a huge house. I dress casually. I have no interest in anyone who wants me because I can provide a lifestyle. As far as power goes I have no idea if I have any or not.

Anne
Anne
7 years ago
Reply to  chew

Chew,

I imagine you have wealth because you don’t feel the need to define yourself by things. I wish my stbeh didn’t feel the need to put on a show, we would have had more wealth. I’m doing much better by myself because I’m finally able to pay all the bills AND not spend needlessly, therefore building my own wealth. Also, your power shows in your don’t care attitude response to power. The ability to just be without worrying how others perceive you is absolutely charming.

chew
chew
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Kellia,

Men are defined by money and power? I find that a little offensive and ridiculous. I guess in your world women are defined only by age and beauty? It is not 1960 anymore. I would love to date an equal partner. that means someone who shares my values, likes to do the things I like to do, treats me well etc. Whether they make more or less money than me does not matter at all.

Once you have enough money to meet the basic requirements of life having extra really does not add to the quality of life. Just to the quantity of material items that you can possess.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
7 years ago
Reply to  chew

Actually if you read that whole response/post you can tell what she is saying is that MEN define themselves by their wealth and power no matter how you try to stroke their egos. A lot of them (not all but a lot) just cannot take the blow to their ego if the women in their lives make more money then they do. That’s their hangup. Not my circus, not my monkeys!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

Cheaterssuck – I was about to respond with a clarification, when your post took the words right out of my mouth. Thank you.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

My wife left me for a man who had more power and money. Should I define myself by that?

Chumpasaurus Rex
Chumpasaurus Rex
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Absolutely not! When you really love someone, you love them no matter how much money or power they have. Your ex is shallow if that was her reason for leaving…and guess what happens if that money or power go anywhere…POOF! She will go too…

yo
yo
7 years ago

Right. Real love looks past the superficial. I told my husband that Id rather be homeless with him than live in a palace without him. I meant it .I doubt he understood that.

Chumpasaurus Rex
Chumpasaurus Rex
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

It is an interesting contradiction, isn’t it? On one end of the spectrum, they want you to be perfect and sparkly so that people think “gosh, s/he is so great! I am so impressed s/he landed her/him!” But, on the other end, you can’t be too awesome and threaten their position as the “better” one. When people would ask him what I do for a living, his answer was “she is a do-gooder”. God forbid, he actually take interest in what I do and take the time to explain it to others. I think he did this to achieve two things: 1. it boosted him through me because people thought “Aww, that’s nice! Social justice! She is empathetic and has a big heart. He’s a lucky guy.” I think in this same vein, he could let people make assumptions (she doesn’t make much money, she is hopelessly optimistic/naive, she is probably not really making a difference, she probably isn’t successful”-none of these things are true.) 2. It never really explained what I ACTUALLY do, thus avoiding the pain of admitting I am intelligent, successful, and y’know, A PERSON!

I am sorry your ex hated your success. It is a shitty feeling. But, know that you are so much better off and I bet probably doing even better without the ex holding you back. The right person won’t just love you for you and be there for the bad times, but they will also celebrate your success and good times. Anyone who doesn’t, doesn’t belong in your life. That includes “friends”.

Kay
Kay
7 years ago

When I worked it wasn’t good enough, when I stayed home it wasn’t good enough. Funny how that goes? But my husband did say he was always intimidated by me. One of ex friends who is a serial cheater, said that she “pretended” to be someone she wasn’t to get her husband, and was she tired of pretending. And somehow that was her husband’s fault. I guess when people lie to get what they want, they have to keep lying, and that’s just such a hardship. Sad sausage I know-
On the whole I really needed this today!!! Thanks chump lady. I feel like a dog today and have just such self blame issues. I really need to work on these. It’s just tough at times.

Fallulah_G
Fallulah_G
7 years ago

Dear Thighs,

My ex cheated with probably around 100 women in the first 6 months of our marriage. As most of them were hookers (and having accessed his email) I saw the photos for a couple.

All in all I’d imagine some were better looking than me. Some worse looking than me.

As CL said – it’s not about your looks. It’s about him being a shithead.

I too find his resistance to revealing her name a serious slight and huge red flag.

Hugs to you

Scott
Scott
7 years ago

My ex-wife left me for someone who is at least 100 lbs overweight and with humdrum looks. I am no Fabio but am confident that I am a decent looking person who could maybe lose 10 lbs. That’s why I never suspected that they were having an affair. Once you can accept that your spouse’s cheating has nothing to do with you but everything to do with them, you can begin to heal. Once I realized my XW was a cheating NARC, I also realized that she probably cheated on me in the past and would definitely cheat on me in the future. Yes, I am excited for the day she leaves FS (Fat Slob), but I am more excited she left me for him. I get the chance to have an actual relationship with a person who has a soul and can love me (the XW is a bloodsucking narc).

current chump
current chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Scott

“Once you can accept that your spouse’s cheating has nothing to do with you but everything to do with them, you can begin to heal AND if they cheated on you in the past, they would definitely cheat on you in the future”

OMG-This by Millions!!!

Focus on you chubby thighs-and how to move your chubby thighs away from him as fast as you can!
It doesn’t matter what the one OW or the many other women look like-bottom line is that he cheated & is no longer worthy of you and your love.

Brittneyk
Brittneyk
7 years ago

Ugggggh such a good post today. My 27 year old ex husband (I’m 28) had and affair with a 46 year old woman on her fourth marriage with 4 children, some his age. When I divorced him he moved in with her because her husband left. He’s like a faux step dad to kids his own age. And she’s not even an attractive young looking cougar. (He has mom issues) sometimes there is no rhyme or reason.

I do have a question of my own though. If I am mean and make boundaries to have no contact, why does my narcissist ex continue to contact me for the last ten months since we have been divorced. He has resorted to fake face books Pinterest accounts so he can comment on my pins. It’s just odd, the kibble has been long since over! Any ideas my fellow chumps?

Anne
Anne
7 years ago
Reply to  Brittneyk

Keep a log of every contact he makes with you. If you can prove that he’s contacting you, go to family court and get a restraining order. In most states you do not need a police report to file a restraining order. Start filing police reports when he violates the order of protection and use words such as stalking. Judges do not like their orders ignored and in most states, it’s called Criminal Contempt and a mandatory arrest. Stalking is repeated and unwanted behavior that puts you in fear or perceived risk of safety, whether that risk is physical or mental it makes no difference. Document everything and follow up. Many states have very strict stalking laws and cops are better trained on writing a report to build a stalking charge. Do not take the bullshit.

Chumpasaurus Rex
Chumpasaurus Rex
7 years ago
Reply to  Brittneyk

Whatever you do, DO NOT respond to him. This is a play for kibbles. He is testing the waters to see if you are still available to him for Narc Supply. Look up “hoovering” and stay strong!

Brittneyk
Brittneyk
7 years ago

I don’t feel the need or the urge to let her know she’s with a scumbag, because she’s one too. How can you actually believe what you have is real? When you’re screwing a married man in hotels? He’s obvi not a gem.

As for responding, in ten months I responded one time. One simple line, ” you are a terrible person” so far it’s been almost a month and nothing. But he always swings back around.
Barf!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Brittneyk

And I have a question, if it’s a fake Facebook account or Pinterest account, how do you know it’s him?

Brittneyk
Brittneyk
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

He uses fake ones because I block the real ones. I know it’s him because he says things like ” I made the biggest mistake of my life. Please forgive me” blah blah blah. Interesting theory but I notice all the posts and emails are done in the hours he is on shift at his job. So his old hag doesn’t see lol. Also I get flower arrangements from anonymous people. Everyone in my life would be sure to take credit. It’s so it can’t be traced to him. He’s a real nut job

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Brittneyk

The grass wan’t greener on the other side, I guess, and he wants you to be his Plan B (or Plan C, after you were originally Plan A). just a kibble-seeker. Or, if you divorced him, he’s trying to lure you in to take back his power. Mine did this somewhat–after I told him I never wanted to have contact with him unless connected to the kids, he used that to initiate contact a few times and then told me HE didn’t want contact with me. Power play.

Brittneyk
Brittneyk
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yes I did divorce him. I filed I served and had to file some more because he refused to respond. Ballsy enough to cheat on me in hotels but can’t sign divorce papers or show up. I agree I have an intuition that living with a mistress and playing house with her is much different than screwing her after work. Poor sad sausage. ?

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Brittneyk

LOL, so things aren’t as rosy with the OW for him to make admissions like that. And he’s emotionally cheating on the OW with you. How ironic. He should be exposed for the charlatan that he is.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Brittneyk

Brittneyk – He’s likely contacting you to keep the OW on her toes. After all, if the OW sees he’s still in contact with you, then it may be perceived as a threat to their union (due to your past connection), so she better amp her game and devote even more attention on him. It’s a triangulation move on his part, designed to use you and keep her attentive to him. Think about it, he’s commenting on your posts, when he’s with the OW. That’s not nice or appropriate. It’s completely manipulative on his part. I may be wrong in my assessment, but I think he knows exactly what he’s doing.

Fallulah_G
Fallulah_G
7 years ago
Reply to  Brittneyk

Are you sure it’s him and not her? I don’t know… for some weird reason my spidey senses are thinking that’s more a female thing to do.

SurferChump
SurferChump
7 years ago

My ex was a serial cheater. Some of the women were prettier and younger than me, others not. They all knew he was essentially married (living together for years), and they didn’t care. So, in my book, they are all uglier than me. Anyone who participates in something like that is an ugly person. It doesn’t matter how many sparkles they have on top. As CL says, they’re still a steaming load of dog crap. But the steamiest, stinkiest dog loaf is the cheater himself. Thighs, I’d say to keep your focus on that–your stinking loaf of a husband, who cheats and then denies you information that you’re entitled to know. If he’s truly remorsefully, he should be falling all over himself to respond to your questions and put you at ease. His actions should show the remorse, but they don’t seem to.

I know first hand how easy it is to get caught up in the OW (singular or plural) stuff. The jealousy, the insecurities, the sense of competition for “your man.” But all of that is just a distractor from the real issue: the daily tragedy of being married/committed to a treacherous, deceitful person who is capable of betraying you IN THE WORST WAY at any moment. It hurts to rip off the band aid, but it hurts much worse and is so much more damaging to leave it there with the wound festering.

zyx321
zyx321
7 years ago

I share the pain of the original poster. I was simply replaced by a model 12 years younger. Same academic background, same build and hair coloring, etc. OW was also the same age I was when ex cheated (unbeknownst to me) the first time, so I felt as if he was simply rebooting his life at the point that he wished he had left me. He got to start over (literally, remarried and now has two more kids, same sex and order as ours) and I was left feeling old, ugly, and unwanted in my 40s.

No, I do not feel that way anymore given how he has treated me and the kids (he moved thousands of miles away…left his kids!), but it takes time.

So anyone still struggling out there, the OW/OM might be green, might be ugly, might have a high IQ… This is about the cheater, and has nothing to do with you personally, although it sure feels that way.

Hopeful Cynic
Hopeful Cynic
7 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

That’s the very thing that happened to me! Totally replaced by a woman who is a lot like how I was at that age. Evidently I was not supposed to age or change. When I found out about his affair, and was trying to figure it out, he would tell me things like how spontaneous and energetic she was. Like the job and mortgage and kids I had, due to our marriage, weren’t supposed to have an effect on me?

yo
yo
7 years ago

Dear Thighs…the other woman is very likely a “downgrade” in intelligence, looks, and definitely character because your man is not looking for a replacement. He is looking for kibbles and easy sex. She is easy to find and easy to coax into bed. Remember those poor girls in high school who had the “reputations”? They were never the beautiful homecoming queens or the valedictorian, were they?

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago

Mr. Sparkles found a dog turd 10 years younger than me, but she has two kids (11 and 8) and an XH who walked out on her… and a father who walked out on her family as a child.

SO – while it may be that she is “prettier and younger”… (though in truth she isn’t because he has a “type”)… she is DAMAGED GOODS. She didn’t take the time to fix her picker and now she is CHOOSING a man who walked out on 3 women (two of them wives) and 6 children… and is already cheating on her on Adult Friend Finder.

But, she’ll be the exception.

Don’t buy into the propaganda… broken people attract broken people. And Victoria’s Secret models get dumped all the time (thank you Leo DiCaprio!)

Leave him and fix your picker… you’re beauty will increase tenfold the day you get rid of him (it just may take a while to feel it!) I’m 18 months post d-day and I’m looking like I did in my 30’s (I’m 49)… gaining inner peace is the best anti-aging serum.

Be mighty.

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
6 years ago

That is my story except for the 6 kids. He only ever had one. She is 10 years younger than me (no prettier, but I am sure more energetic) with two kids, I believe her husband walked out on her. STBX has walked out on 3 women (so far) – two of them wives.
Our stories are eerily similar…
I am 9 months post DDay still mucking through.

blindsidedinboston
blindsidedinboston
7 years ago

“broken people attract broken people”.
You hit the nail on the head.

FicoChump
FicoChump
7 years ago

Fooliette

Of all the things that you said the most positive one was “I never been unemployed” you have something there for you, raised his kids so do not beat yourself. If the circumstances do not let you go away from him. Life your life in a good way independently from Ahole. I bet he is fat, bold or ugly ( in the inside for sure). Trust me I am more happy now after the discovered about of a$$wipe husband. I always put a happy face in front of him and he asked me: “Why I look so happy?!” I will not give him the pleasure of look sad in front if him the psycho wants to punish you and mess up with your mind.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  FicoChump

I am bald.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Smart is sexy, Ian. You’re covered.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Embrace your baldness Ian. I am sure you are still a good sort. !! 🙂

yo
yo
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Hair is overrated. Bald men are handsome and have the extra confidence to shave their heads…very alpha. Example: Disturbed singer

Jeam
Jeam
7 years ago
Reply to  yo

Yo, my family , the men, early receding hairlines and baldness: to that “they don’t put marble on cheap wood.”

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
7 years ago
Reply to  yo

Another great example-Shemar Moore! I would so love for him to call me baby girl! He is bald and I can’t (nor would I want to) imagine him with hair!!

yo
yo
7 years ago
Reply to  yo

Oh! Remember Kojak? And Joe Satriani. Bald men rock.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  yo

and Tom Collicchio

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  yo

I’m good. ?????????? Thanks all!

I’m thinking tiny penis is the male fat thighs?

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Ian, Dude, you crack me up!!! Thank you!!!! 😀

DavidB
DavidB
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Well I doubt she is prettier…. mine had two affairs. One yes better looking… muscles… but mean as hell. Tattoos all over… nasty drug habit with alcohol abuse. Steroids. And maybe a 25000 dollar a year job. I do believe also sells drugs. Second was a chubby short 26 year old. Made better money than number one but not near as much as her chump. Its opportunity. On one hand she was playing with the bad boy on the other she was getting ego filled by a 15 year younger boy. Nothing great or special about either one. There is one thing that irritates me…. as I was going through marriage classes and counseling, she was banging the boy toy. At that time (for whatever reason) I had a young Asian girl wanting me. And as I always did I ran like hell! If only I had known, I would have run away with her!

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

DavidB, your comment is a trigger for me I am sorry. My ex is 63 years old and his tart is a 23 year old from South East Asia and she has 2 little boys. My ex trawled the gutters (bars) of Phnom Penh for this tramp and the damage that followed has been devastating. The impact has been so bad on me, that I have rid my apartment of everything that has an Asian or Oriental theme or flavour. I loved anything that was Asian but not any longer. So don’t be tempted by that young Asian girl. Just my two bobs worth.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

DavidB, thank you for your response. I have read many of your posts and I do know that you are a decent man. It is a comfort to know that there are many decent men in this world and I am sure it is a comfort to you and your fellow male posters, that there are so many decent women in the world also. 🙂
Please don’t get me wrong as I am not against all things Asian. I do have some lovely Asian girlfriends and they despise my ex husband and call him a sleaze, con man and predator. They have pegged him in one !!

DavidB
DavidB
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

I am sorry Maree! I am not particular to Asian women….. Just so happens that this girl was. Not even sure why or what she was after. She just showed up one day where I worked. Being the person I am, I ran away from it. My point was if only I had known, that my wife was banging a 26 year old….. I might have just went with it. Instead, I was going through counseling and marriage classes thinking we were doing the right thing. Boy was I wrong! Oh and I did the right thing I told my wife what had happened and she got very angry! I think they want to play but we had better be faithful and loyal!

DavidB
DavidB
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

If you want I can hook you up with my cheater, she likes bald men. One of her flings was ex bf whom is without hair and her favorite!

fooliette
fooliette
7 years ago
Reply to  FicoChump

Actually, he looks almost as good as he did when we got married. He has only gained a few pounds. Has a head of thick hair that is uncommon in people in their 20’s. He’s quite good looking.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago
Reply to  fooliette

That’s just his physical mask… the real him is a MONSTER… Think HellRaiser.

ChumptyDumpty
ChumptyDumpty
7 years ago

Use those lovely legs to walk away. Damn, Tracy. You just slammed the lid & nailed that one to the wall!
“It’s over & you’ll just have to take my word for it. ‘Cause you know how good that is”. RUN from this douchebag. His desire for control trumps any shred of love or remorse he has for you. Sure, you may get truckle-truth if he can be persuaded into counseling if threatened with divorce, but narcs like him resent it every step of the way.Heck, my ex offered up all the make-it-right steps but it was more about damage control (preserving his image) than wanting the marriage. Lied to his counselor every chance he got.
The time for your H to call the shots in YOUR marriage is long gone.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago

Thighs, it isn’t about you and the size of your thighs. About 43 years ago (I know I am old !!), I worked in a University Department and I met a girl who did become a ‘friend’ for a short while. We were both 21 years old and one of the Professors was 31 years old and only 5ft. 4 ins tall and he was married with 2 little boys. Long story short, my ‘friend’ married this Professor when she was 35 years old and still a virgin and she was 5ft. 9 ins tall. So, she was 10 years younger, 5 inches taller and a virgin. They have just celebrated their 29 anniversary and that ‘friend’ has had a charmed life without children to burden her. She has not had to work from day 1. They travel the world twice a year. They also have homes in Melbourne, a beachside resort and Italy. Her husband’s ex wife committed suicide because of this liaison. I do not believe in karma because this ‘friend’ has had the easiest life of anyone I know and all she complains about is illness which is mostly imaginary. Life isn’t always fair and I still to this day think of the poor deceased wife.

Anita
Anita
7 years ago

He is controlling the situation by protecting the whore’s identify. Ex did the same thing. Admitted dating the slunt, said he wanted a divorce, then hung around, gracing me with his presence.

He lied about the slut’s identify for two primary reasons. I knew her. And so he could continue on with the skag. I’d say that is your husband’s motivation as well. The only way you will get the truth is through phone records. Her number will be in there and you can do a reverse phone search to get the whore’s name. Then throw his ass out.

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Unless he goes to Walmart and purchases a burner phone without you knowing it or deletes his history off of the laptop….

chump for 30yrs
chump for 30yrs
7 years ago

Dear Fat Thighs and anyone else who is interested : My husband’s fuckwit had(and has still) the face of a rat. Literally. He referred to her as ” Homely__fill in name here__” for years. He now admits he she made him feel important, bad assed, whatever. He admits to having been a narcissist . They are always “something better”. It’s bullshit. Your thighs are great. YOU are great. He took your trust and love and gave it to a turd. It’s 30 years later for me, and it still hurts, despite admissions and remorse on my husband’s part. If you are still with this guy and he’s telling you to forget it, listen to CL . Dump his ass. PS : Big thighs and but are the new sexy.Go, thighs , go.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago

Narcissus died admiring the beauty of his reflection. Imagine if you looked in a mirror and it made you look old and fat and sexless. Cheaters can’t stand their reflection in our eyes because we reflect back all the terrible things they are. Easier to smash us into pieces and get a new human mirror.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Spot on Ian.

chump for 30yrs
chump for 30yrs
7 years ago

PS butt, not but. Sorry

JackiesDone
JackiesDone
7 years ago

Yup, that is the thing you learn down the road of chumpville, that is really has nothing at all to do with us. Initially, he will tell you so indirectly or directly and you will clobber yourself as well. But when some time passes you will learn that it has nothing AT ALL to do with us and has EVERYTHING to do with them.

Can I complete with all my OW, hell no! I could not complete ugly or pretty, young or old, great or low life because it is HE who chose that OW and it is HE who gives her value over your relationship for HIS own self. It really has nothing to do with them either. They are just there to fill his void, needs, lust, fantasies whatever it is he is chasing.

You just happened to have been the one who married him and you are stuck with the mess of HIS assholeness.

I don’t care if you have blue dots on your face and fat legs, are fat, thin, pretty, ugly HE DOES NOT SEE YOU, he devalued you long before that affair. And so long as he has no other supply going on or is unsure of his supply he will string you along. Even him staying with you after this is about HIM and NOT YOU.

You play no role in this relationship anymore but his sloppy leftover string along supply.

Portia
Portia
7 years ago

Isn’t there an old saying about all cats being black in the dark? I suppose we all have our own criteria for attraction that was programed into our systems from the time we were born. Reality tells me that no matter how much a couch potato who sits in front of a screen admiring various physical traits of different body types paraded before him/her likes and desires said type, the chances that the body type would have reciprocal feelings are minimal.

We shouldn’t feel we have to compete for our love interest, anyway. Attraction might be based on the physical qualities initially, but to have a real relationship, other things are much more important. Do you have the same values, similar backgrounds and dreams, goals? These are the attributes that are most likely to lead to a successful relationship.

My theory is if a relationship is based on lies, it is doomed. It may last for a while, depending on how quickly the lies are discovered, but it just has no chance because there was never anything real there in the first place. My relationships fell apart mostly because I was lied to, but also because I didn’t question my own perception. I was discerning in many areas, but evidently I had a big blind spot when it came to choosing a mate. I believed I saw what I wanted, but I wasn’t seeing reality, I was seeing a mirage. Once I realized that I would get no comfort from an imaginary oasis, that I would end up dehydrated and dying on the desert of life if I didn’t stop believing in something that just wasn’t there, my life greatly improved. I stopped shopping at the Wishful Thinking booth, and moved on over to good ole reliable Reality Stand.

No matter what OW/OM of the moment looks like, they are believing lies, and are liars themselves. No one is telling the truth in those encounters. It’s all about, “What have you done for me lately.” They do the pick me dance to get what they want the moment they want it. Sooner or later, they collapse, because no one can dance forever. When the partners have to look at who they are really dancing with, they won’t want to dance anymore, anyway. All of those moves they did when they believed they were getting something they wanted will just be a big waste of time and energy.

As Chump Lady tells us, just believe they SUCK and move on.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Portia

Great post, Portia. The most painful part of the process is dealing with the emotional tornado D-Day and the aftermath, but it is almost as hard to turn away from hating the AP and making the inevitable comparisons to looking at the fact that it is not our looks that got us in the mess; it’s the illusions about our partner that we cling to.

Jim
Jim
7 years ago

” I don’t know anything about her and he wants me to take his word for it that it’s over. ”

Of course you can take his word for it. He wouldn’t mislead you in any way.

What an asshole he is.

Lelibelle
Lelibelle
7 years ago

Just sayin I love your taste in music Tracey. Since I booted out cheating bastard Spotify has been a great source of joy for me as I listen to the music I want to listen after 27years of putting up with cheating bastard’s choices

Renewed
Renewed
7 years ago

Straight from the horse’s mouth, it was never about what they looked like. In his opinion, ow were never good enough to threatened his marriage?! WTH? It was so about him. Once they agreed to sleep with a married man the ow cheapened herself but sleeping with a married man. Warped reasoning, I know but he manipulated them and me, however I wasn’t aware of the pick me dance competition. I also was a convenient excuse to why he could never marry them. He was on kibble overload. I had three d days with false reconciliation. The last time I spoke with her and suggest she sex him a little better as he was running from divorcing me. I let her listen to conversations we had about her as he lied about her, laughed at her looks, and was generally unflattering. After all she chose to be with a married man.
They were never better….anything. It was all about him and his ability to manipulate and control.

GladItsOver
GladItsOver
7 years ago

I’ve posted about this before, but I’m writing again for the newbies here and for any further-outs who need a reminder.

The hopium and the brain fog are strong in the chump’s head after Dday, so you need a physical reminder of your cheater’s true self (and that self is the same for the OW/OM.) You need a reminder that they are nothing more than a glittering turd.

Here’s what I did to remember that. I went to the craft store and bought a small package of brown Fimo clay. Cost around $2. I also bought a small bottle of gold glitter paint, cost $1. Took the clay and molded it into the shape of a turd, then hardened it in the oven as per directions. When it was cool, I painted it with the glittery paint, then let it dry. Now I had a golden glittering piece of turd, which is EXACTLY what my ex truly is, his real self. When I started getting misty-eyed thinking he really wasn’t such a bad guy, I took a look at that glittering turd. In fact, I kept it on my nightstand for a couple of years, until one day, I simply didn’t need it any more and I threw it away.

I strongly recommend that all chumps still struggling to grasp this vital fact — some people shine and glitter like gold on the outside, but on the inside they are reeking, vile shit — go ahead and replicate this simple craft. If nothing else, it’s a great conversation piece when friends visit. But I found it very helpful back in those dark days.

Jules
Jules
7 years ago

My ex’s affair partner was as “ugly as a mud fence” according to all my friends who saw their narc photos on FB. But…..as Tracy says….”doesn’t matter what they look like…it’s how they make the cheater feel” and that was the excuse I got along with his cheating was my fault. Anyway……you are beautiful inside and out and you need to get out as no matter how hard you try, you can never trust fully again and you need to work on your self-esteem–which takes a huge hit on us Chumps. It’s taken me almost 2 years to recover…but I am and I can now look in the mirror and like what I see. Will never question that again!!! Be strong!!

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Jules

“The cheating was your fault” just means “I am an endless black hole of narcissistic need and you’ve run out of kibbles that work for me.”

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedAJackass

Agree. “You caused me to have an affair,” = [Pick one of the following]:

a-You stopped worshiping the ground I walked on, but someone else started to worship me.
b-You were responsible and taking care of kids/the family/the house/your job and stopped paying me attention 24/7
c-I was not your only priority (see b above)
d-you figured out I was a flawed human being, showed that you know it, so I sought out someone I could convince with my impression management skills.

CAGal
CAGal
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yeah I feel like back a few years I got a little of this when I was trying to get him to cut it out with the OW. He would go on about how he just really “understood” him and supported him and the like. Meanwhile I’m like WTF am I doing here keeping the house going, providing the health insurance, being the model of a supportive spouse. But the thing is, I also had my own life and I will admit that eventually I stopped caring if he shared it with me or not. There is more to life than working, getting drunk and watching sports. At least to my life.

I served my STBX last night. He has offered to move out, has agreed to mediation, and in general is not being too difficult. I contemplated that he is preparing to move in with OW. This stings, because it’s hard to be left alone while they go off together. But I don’t have what it takes to be his partner. I can’t adore him because I see what an asshole he is. I can’t be a 26 yo idiot who barely graduated college and also has no friends. I can’t engage in his “us against the world” mentality they seem to have because the world is not against me. Because I’m not huge asshole. I met her parents once, at her college graduation party, and I still remember how much her own parents seem to dislike her. It was just all these little cutting comments about how she had fucked up and how glad they would be for her to move out and etc. STBX has this bizarre hate of his family as well (thought they are nice from what I can tell). Like I have asked him if he has been abused because he has such an aversion to them. They seem to understand each other and their completely warped view of the world better than I ever could. I don’t know what he wants, but it’s not me.

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago

Dear Thighs,

Take Tracy’s advice and walk your awesome self away from that disordered asshole as fast as you can with your lined up ducks in tow! You and your amazing chubby thighs deserve way better than you are ever gonna get with that entitled, cowardly boy man!

I saw satan’s other women and WOW! REALLY!!! He blew up our life for THOSE WOMEN? Yeah…it wasn’t about them…it was exactly like Tracy is telling you…it is all about HIM and his entitled inflated ego. Run away from that soul sucking black hole and leave him to it while you go get an awesome life that you deserve!

And when he comes back sniffin around trying to get you back – WHICH HE WILL DO – strut those ‘integrity intact’ awesome thighs of yours in the other direction and don’t look back. Trust me, he got dumped or the ow won’t: 1) cook for him, 2) do his laundry, 3) mother him like you probably do, 4) take care of his life so he can eat cake constantly, 5) whatever other wonderful things you do for him out of love for that asshole that doesn’t deserve you… Get it? It will ALWAYS be about him ALWAYS.

Get yourself a pit bull lawyer and get the hell out of hell!

I really cannot stress this enough…RUN!

Hugs and we got your back!

😀

renewed
renewed
7 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

“he got dumped or the ow won’t: 1) cook for him, 2) do his laundry, 3) mother him like you probably do, 4) take care of his life so he can eat cake constantly, 5) whatever other wonderful things you do for him out of love for that asshole that doesn’t deserve you… Get it?”

Mine went into shock as he now realizes those are not things naturally inherent to the female sex. After all he was so wonderful before women just love to do those things. I feel as though I escaped from Alcatraz!

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  renewed

Amen renewed! 😀 satan complained (before I blocked him totally) that he couldn’t replace me if he tried. LOL! I told him I thought he had tried! Affairs asshole! What were you thinking would happen????

Until I put a stop to it friends and family were sharing fakebook pictures his multiple partners were posting of satan cooking and such for them. LOL!

Yes…they think they are upgrading but…nope…too bad for them!!! 😀

renewed
renewed
7 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

Easter is right around the corner and I know he is on the prowl to find a good home cooked meal. Thanksgiving was a bust as he paid to dine with OW at some lousy restaurant away from his family and all of the holiday festivities. No louging, no gorging himself through out the day, no football games with the kids. Just a little bit of sex after he paid for everything. For this man holiday meals are better than sex.

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  renewed

satan is the same in that respect…home cooked meal = total ecstasy to him. ;D

And now I hear he goes around whinin at anyone that will listen how he ‘misses his wife, misses his life, why hell he even misses that ‘stupid’ dog!’

Stupid (NOT) dog would gladly castrate him if he ever comes close to the ‘wife’ he says he misses so much 😀 I just love that about MY dog 🙂

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

Because Beau will be recovering from surgery, I’ll step up to the plate and offer to castrate your X. Messy job, but someone has to do it.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Thanks for the tip, Ohana! (lol).

I suppose we could drain all the blood from Satan first, right? That would alleviate mess, and make the Red Cross very happy. (course they’d have to test it for Hepatitis, etc. first)

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Blood mess might be a moot point where he is concerned…I’m fairly certain he doesn’t have a heart.

Ohana
Ohana
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

If done right, there’s no reason for castration to be messy.

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  Ohana

😀 I’ll grab a third chair Ohana!!! And another bottle of wine! 🙂 We’ll just have us a party!!!!!

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I’ll grab a couple chairs and a bottle of that red wine you like and we’ll raise a glass to your remarkable medical talent and watch him writhe about groaning 😀

…geeze…I never knew I had that kind of animosity in me!!!! Oh that’s right…he EARNED it!

I love you Tempest!!!! TRULY! XXXXXXOOOOOOO

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago

STBX told me, giggling, that he “wants to be with young women. all men do.”

He said he started on his [freaky sex] journey because he “wants to feel loved and desired. intimate.”

Apparently anonymous group sex with prostitutes, anonymous sex with Craigslist hookups, and anonymous sex with webcam whores fulfills his “wants.” These encounters help him feel “desired.”

As Inigo Montoya so eloquently put it, “…you keep using that word [intimacy]. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

It’s like these ASSHOLES live in Opposite Land. “Love” means anonymous sex. “Intimacy” means anonymous sex. “Wants” means “I get to secretly do anything I want using all the money.”

I struggle with body image issues (middle aged, menopausal, seriously-what-is-going-on-with-my-hair) but I’ll be damned if i”m going to feel inferior to a fifteen year old sex worker.

And in Opposite Land, apparently there are no mirrors. Because STBX? FAT. DRUNK W/ THE TELL-TALE RED NOSE. SLOPPY. OLD. Yet, desirable? To teens? Huh?

It’s farce.

donna
donna
7 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

Roaring

It is such a farce isn’t it. My children, son in laws, and anyone he has interacted with him and the slunT talk about their teenaged behavior. The Limited also has the alcoholic red faced look, has aged considerably, and has lost all support including his business reputation. Um.. Do they realize they are NOT teenagers and getting drunk and having to have a driver is not appealing to teens. People think he’s creepy.
He has a mental age of 15 and she is closer to 13. Great match.

current chump
current chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

Roaring-I think my stbx is your stbx’s brother! He loves the ‘pay for play’ underage girls, porn & Craigslist hookups. He thinks the porn is real…well, it’s real to him. He once told me that as men age, their stock goes up and when women age, their stock goes down. I guess he figured that my stock is now not worth much since I’m in my forties and he believes that the young girls he has to pay really want him….um ok.

Whatever-I could care less now except he had better have enough cash left over from his tweeney-bopper escapades to pay alimony & child support. Have fun & adios M’fing loser!

JannaG
JannaG
7 years ago
Reply to  current chump

Two words: wage garnishment. Maybe it’s the other way around: he better hope he has a little bit of money left to keep a woman around after he pays you alimony and child support.

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
7 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

Yours looks just like mine – but add bald to it doing the comb over from the top of the earlobe in front of the forehead. Then puts a baseball cap on to make it look like he has hair in the front (but it is actually from the side.) He went through more hairspray than I did!!!

Michael
Michael
7 years ago

My ex-wife left me for a middle aged tattoo artist who has a huge tribal tattoo on half his face, some old English letters on the other half, and some random tattoo’s covering the whole of his neck. This guy has hair like buckwheat, ear lobes the size of coffee cans and I was told he’s not a model for hygiene. Breeds dogs in his backyard and sells drugs out of the house. So.

Anne
Anne
7 years ago
Reply to  Michael

Michael,

Your tattoo comments caused an epiphany. My stbxh has many tattoos that I couldn’t stand. He got one in particular that I suppose he wanted me to like. It was a pin-up girl in army short-shorts with my face (and my 20 year old body when I was in the army). With the exception of my longer blonde hair I’ve been told I resemble his mother when she was my age. I also have straight white teeth and his mother has buck teeth. He got pissed when his sister asked him why he got his mom tattooed on his arm. It made me cringe then, I’m laughing now. I was just thinking on this when it dawned on me that the OW died her hair blonde and has buck teeth. OMG! He really does have mommy issues.

The Second Lady
The Second Lady
7 years ago
Reply to  Anne

exhole came home from a *business trip* with a kanji (sp?) symbol tattooed left ankle: would certainly show in a job interview, as himself fancies himself a Preppie, and EVERYONE knows preppies never wear socks with their shoes, doesn’t happen. Trust me, he studied this stuff hard and long to re-invent himself into some kind of Preppie persona, whatever that means.h
Anyhow: coincidentally I have an appointment with my hairstylist (second generation from China and of course trusted confidante) the following Saturday. I ask ex to show his brand new tattoo to my hairdresser of twenty years and she feigns shock and awe—-too freaking funny!
My dear trusted friend and hairstylist tells my ex (in an overly exaggerated Chinese accent, simply for effect: she speaks impeccable English)
that what was actually PERMAMENTALLY configured into his very skin was the (in her Chinese dialect, I understand there are more than a few) the kanji sign for ‘F–you, dumf—-
Impression management to the supreme: both he and that OW begged for quick referrals for dermatology–I’ll never know what OW got but himself got a big ole mess of skin on his bony left ankle. And Margaret, the hairstylist received her usual generous tip (which is great, because so is she)

Arlo
Arlo
7 years ago

Focusing on the OW is a common distraction at this point in the proceedings. Its a brain trick to keep you away from the really painful stuff thats happening in the marriage. It’s like worrying about what kind of garbage is in that dumptruck that’s about to hit you. Focus on the truck! Pay attention to the damage your husband is causing right now! Focus on getting yourself safely out of the way!

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Arlo

Arlo,

You make a great point. It’s typically part of the process to focus on the OM/OW for a while.

A lot of us Chumps are further down the road to recovery. We side-stepped the garbage truck.

To other Chumps still fixated on the “other:” if you fix yourself, the “other” won’t bother you in the future.

It’s more about your Cheater, and your picker. Untangle the skein less and less as possible. Cheaters suck.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  Arlo

Completely agree Arlo, his tactic to withhold AP’s identity is a mind trick, it keeps Thighs focused on the AP instead of on the main issue: The fact that she is married to a cheating, lying, coward.

Thighs, the longer you stay focused on the AP, the more your husband controls the narrative. Get your ducks in a row, copies of all financials, wire money to your own account, and secure a lawyer. Then sing like a canary, letting people know that you are divorcing him because you found out about his affair.

It is about to get really tough as once the mask is off, the narc rage or poor sausage channels might be the only ones you will see from your X for the whole divorce proceedings. He is going to fight like crazy to keep you silent, arguing that it will cause family and kids pain etc. I had to remind mine numerous times that it is not my disclosure of facts that created the pain in our family and our kiddo, it was his cheating, lying cowardice that did, but I acknowledged that it was very typically him to shoot the messenger… He raged and moaned, before finally go silent on the issue… Everyone knows what he did. Good riddance.

There is no good choice when you are faced with your spouse’s affair, the least harmful option for yourself is to file for divorce and yep use your strong legs and spine to forge on to Meh.

ChumpedALot
ChumpedALot
7 years ago

Slightly irritated because as usual, the comments veered off somewhat into denigrating what people look like – that should not be the point, even if the OW/OM is a POS! I’m in a relationship with someone who is overweight, on the short side and balding. Guess what, he’s kind, generous (in bed and out), emotionally mature and LOVES everything about me that my EX could not stand! So what that my EX called me fat, a sow, said my hair was thin, my face had zits, blah blah blah. He sucks. Turns out the the karma bus is revving up for a smackdown – I just learned the OW he has lived with since June is on the verge of dumping his hairy ass. Yay!

donna
donna
7 years ago
Reply to  ChumpedALot

ChumpedALot

I was just thinking about what the OW could never be, ME. He will never hear me sing, do silly skits with my granddaughter, hear my laughter or voice, be able to call me by my nickname, watch me prepare with joy for holidays, share a memories of our children’s past, be with someone who knows everything about him, or ever have unconditional love or forgiveness. He can never brag about his accomplishments, his family, wife, or the past.
The OW will always represent the loss of his past and the death of any dreams in his future. The Limited gave up everything a normal man would cherish for a fantacy, mind you a grotesque pig.
He will resent her and blame her in the end. She suffocates him with her overbearing neediness. She clings to him and constantly needs reassurance that he loves her. Justification wears thin after spending endless nights alone with a beast after having complete independence to be yourself. He HAD freedoms and rather than embrace them he chose the chains of a whore. I’m hoping she keeps him in the living hell he chose. This in itself is karma. Possesion of a narc by a crazed BJ bar Whore.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
7 years ago
Reply to  donna

Well said, donna!!!

Same here…in the end, as I have (and will continue to) move forward and upward with my life, the OWife/Mrs. Dumb-ass will come to be resented and disparaged by TEO. In the end, nothing good will come from it and he will no one to blame but himself- his own worst enemy.

donna
donna
7 years ago

Unsinkable

She now gets to keep c(o)unt of the others. Lol. I stopped at 18 and there was a 19 last i checked his phone records. And she has no idea about the reuse list that includes two in Florida. I didn’t want to ‘ruin’ it for Mr. I Want To Fuck Stick Dick. At least before he had the family as a backdrop. It’s much more difficult to get pity when you discard your famiky fir a bar whore. What’s the narrative sound like now? Puppy face just try to spin that sob story now that your debt has doubled as your income is as limited as you are. The Vagina Made Me Do It will be his next single poor reviews. Hahaha. I’m loving his fuck over. Self inflicted, hell yeah.

chew
chew
7 years ago
Reply to  ChumpedALot

Chumped a lot. Totally agree. The comments often turn ugly calling women fat, men bald, complaining about undersized genitalia, sagging breasts.
I like to think that we are better than that. It is the essence of the person that is important. WE will all be old and saggy at one point. What then?

Lynne
Lynne
7 years ago
Reply to  chew

You know, for the first time ever, I am feeling very uncomfortable reading here. There has been a strange turn here in some of the conversation relating to physical attributes. I know that this is a safe place (and grateful for it!) to open up about our pain and anger, find comfort with those who have been through hell and back, let off steam, say fuckity fuck when we want to and hear much-needed, oh-so-wise advise from CL. And the comfort and sharing from Chump Nation is unparalleled. Hell, if it hadn’t been for this site, I don’t know where I would be – certainly not at mostly-meh and I can’t thank Tracy enough for creating this site and being there for us.
It is unfortunate that the first few paragraph started with the derogatory term of a hareliped drudge. Being, and acting like a drudge, is certainly mostly a choice. Being born with a cleft lip is not a choice, or being born in any way less than perfect for that matter. It appears to have escalated as Chumpedalot and Chew mentioned, into denigrating people’s looks. Just because someone is prettier or more handsome doesn’t make them more deserving of love or better than. I just thought, collectively, we were better than that. We’ve been traumatized and we’ve suffered, insulting others who are less than perfect, does not serve us well.
It just doesn’t sit right, you know?

Ohana
Ohana
7 years ago
Reply to  chew

Nice one, chew.

renewed
renewed
7 years ago
Reply to  chew

My ex chose people who looked a certain way and had body issues. He was highly critical of me but his other women were everything he hated. I know that I was stalked on social media and at least in their eyes they felt I was in some way better. Later after reading email and text ow were working hard at emulating me. It was sick.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
7 years ago

I think it’s natural to obsess about the AP. I think it’s natural to want the old life back, even if it was a mirage. But as Arlo says above, thinking about those things just keeps us in the path of disaster. We need to save ourselves from the abuse of living with a cheater and all the other damage that comes along with it.

moving forward
moving forward
7 years ago

Here’s what I learned the long & hard way — there is nothing wrong with you “My Thighs Are Fat”.

OW#1 was similar age, nice looking, very smart, well traveled, adventurous, athletic, had a very good career and at that point had even published a book! I have to admit, I was jealous and felt I couldn’t compete. If it really was true love, then logically my EX would have left me for her. I think she pulled the plug – or gave him an ultimatum (my EX hates to be told what to do) – or maybe he was going to leave me for her but she was clear that she wanted to start a family. I was paralyzed and stunned and felt defeated at DD#1.

OW#2 was 15 years younger than my EX (she was 25 & he was 40), making a ton of money in sales, was fit and looked OK but was not attractive. A week after I turned 40, he moved into a house he purchased with her — telling me he needed “time to think”. Post DD#2 everyone was incredulous and said she was so unattractive. I was just stuck on the fact that she was 25 and I was old (40).

Upon reflection, it is obvious that my EX was running away from me and what was happening in our lives at the time. At the time of OW#2, it was a serious effort to start a family. While he said he wanted to have kids — he really did not. But instead of communicating this so I could find a partner that did want kids — he pursued someone who said she never wanted kids. And he chose to leave me exactly when I turned 40. It is incredibly f*cked up.

It took me a while to figure out what CL and CN is shouting. There is nothing wrong with me and he really is a fucktard.

Sorry, that was a bit long! Forget about what she looks like or who she is — decide if you really want to be with your husband. Is he the kind of person YOU want?

Susannah
Susannah
7 years ago
Reply to  moving forward

Don’t give up on having children. I know and love two, beautiful women who had children in their forties. Another, on her own, decided to adopt. It is harder being a single parent (I was a single mom of three), but it is heartbreaking to read what happened to you. I hope you have your dream of a family come true.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
7 years ago

And when old columns run, or when you read the archives, do you ever wonder what happened to those people? In this case, I hope this woman who hates her thighs (or thinks Cheaterpants hates them, which in her case might be the same thing) figured out that if her husband won’t tell her about the OW, her marriage is over. She’s just the maid, laundress, second income, designated parent, back-up sex partner, and holiday planner.

lostandfound
lostandfound
7 years ago

OW was someone from high school. She remembers dating him and being in love with him and he doesn’t remember her as other than a friend from back then (he has said that repeatedly). She was at my wedding 35 years ago so I have to look at that horse face should I ever look at the album again! My brother in law (husband’s brother) says she is butt ugly- looks like Alfred E. Neuman from Mad Magazine with red hair, and that I am prettier, nicer, smarter. And the ex has said numerous times that she’s not attractive. But apparently the twuest love doesn’t care about looks even though he always told me that i was fat. I am curious about her because she has dogged my life for the past 8 years, even when I didn’t know it. She wanted to step into my shoes. Well, she got her wish. He also protected her and wouldn’t talk about the affair. He never said anything bad about her. That’s because she’s the best! Because anyone who fucks somebody else’s husband and then encourages them to stop paying, is the best! They are a much better match than we ever were.

JannaG
JannaG
7 years ago
Reply to  lostandfound

He always told you that you were fat? I’m sorry, but that’s not a great thing to say if you want your wife to be hot for you. I hope you start to look in the mirror and realize how awesome you are and that you are too pretty and too good for him.

Marked711
Marked711
7 years ago
Reply to  lostandfound

Same here. Ex W left me for an old high school boyfriend (from 30 years before). Everyone laughs when I tell them. They know how pathetic that is. He does make a lot more than me, but if that’s what she wants, then I don’t want her. She’s pathetic.