Close Encounters with Affair Partners

run into affair partner

Here’s an etiquette dilemma Emily Post completely skipped over — what do you say when running into your ex’s affair partner? Hello home wrecker! Give my regards to Cheater and the other Schmoopies. Oh, you didn’t know about the other Schoompies? Kiss, kiss. Bye!

Running into an affair partner is exquisitely awkward.

Must you say anything at all? What about compulsory occasions like a child’s wedding? Or what if you stumble across them at your local hardware store (there in the screw department, I imagine) or, worse, some “friend’s” party? Do you play it off with icy indifference? Flounce out of the room in tears? Slap the miscreant with your glove and challenge him to a duel?

How on earth do chumps share social space with these people?

Need a snappy rejoinder?

One chump, Mandi writes:

I really, really need some good lines handy in case I get gobsmacked by an unexpected face-to-face with one of these people. I don’t know why I doubt myself so in this imagined instance, because I actually think I’ve handled [things] pretty effing well [so far].

Ideally, if any words are spoken to me at all, I’d like to think I’d say, “Oh, sorry, it’s my practice to treat my marriage as a private subject. I only discuss private subjects with friends.” And then make my smooth exit with no tripping or tears or stalling my car in reverse or something spazzy like that. This all assumes a balanced person hearing my words, which is already out of the question.

Of course I fantasize about saying things like, “Let me know if you need me to detail the lies he told YOU too, because they were at least every other line in the emails I found.” (Shit like he was sleeping on the couch 6 months, that he’d filed for divorce already, that he’d already told me everything, etc.)

I’m not sure why this encounter (which will likely never happen) is so scary to me. Or why I don’t think I could behave. I think on some level it is still very unreal to me. The thought of having one of the affair partners in living color, there in front of me, COMPLETELY paralyzes me.

Take back your power.

Well, Mandi, don’t let it paralyze you. Take your power back and quit giving this person mental real estate. I know that’s easy for me to say, I’m years out from my infidelity nightmare, have no kids with the guy, and last I heard, the major batshit crazy OW was still living her drab existence in suburban Virginia. Not much chance of running into her.

But there was a time when she was a big boogeyman in my head, sure. The ex liked to tell me she was prone to violent rages! Alcoholism! Drama! (Projection much, dude?) Very convenient — if the cheater tells the Schmoopie and the spouse that the other one is CRAZY, well, hey, they might not compare notes. Unified Theory of Cake and all. Don’t talk to each other! You don’t know what she’ll do!

Consider what sort of person this is.

The person who called me on the phone just sounded small and sad, really. Occasionally haughty. But then she asked me when I got married, and she started to cry. Honestly, in that moment, I felt sorry for her. Later, she followed that performance with cyberstalking and harassment, but here’s my point (I was coming to it, really) — affair partners are PATHETIC. They are damaged, sad, fucked up people. Amoral. At best, they are lost and deluded; at worst, they are predatory creeps. There isn’t a single affair partner in this world you should feel intimidated by, so check out my post on how to handle the other woman.

But! But! That person fucked my spouse! They laughed at me! Shared intimacies! Wished me gone! Conspired against me! Tried to take my life and turn my children against me! They humiliated me!

Yes. Exactly. They’re scum.

Don’t carry the shame.

Chumps, you didn’t do anything wrong. Not. One. Thing. You’re not the person with the dirty secret or the shame to carry. You brought your A-game. You tried. And you were committed to your marriage. There is no crime in being a chump. You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about or afraid of running into an affair partner. The person who should feel mortified is Schmoopie. Why should you retreat? Why should you skulk off upset? Hold your head high.

When you internalize that this person is pathetic — and you are not — the power balance will shift. You don’t have to be afraid to run into one of them. What are they going to do? Taunt you? Say, nannernanner boo boo, I fucked your spouse? Your response to that should be — you’re welcome to that dog turd. Best of luck to you.

There is no competition when you realize that this pitiful person is fighting for the attentions of a wingnut. Someone who most likely will betray them too, just like they betrayed you. You might look at them with an air of pity or mild disinterest. Like one of those news broadcasts about refugee camps in faraway places. Oh. That’s sad. And remote. Huh. These things don’t end well…

Nothing says ‘fuck off’ like silence.

Does that not seem satisfying? But what of the injustice! Those affair partners — why they just need a good talking to!

Save your breath. You might as well lecture a door post. You can’t shame these people. Let karma find them. They’ll learn soon enough what it is to be played by Mr. or Ms. Sparkles.

Still need a good line? My sister-in-law has a terrific one that goes: “Surely you must know what I think of you.”

Which I think is brilliant, because it’s all-purpose AND it leaves whatever insulting thing to their imaginations. If you have the misfortune of running into your ex’s affair partner or being cornered by a Schmoopie, say that — or nothing at all — and then just walk away. Nothing else is required.

Subscribe
Notify of

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

274 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
FSTL
FSTL
7 years ago

Once upon a time I wanted to punch the OM in the face.

Now (after some introspection) I don’t know whether to laugh at him (we have kids, so probably not the best response) or shake his hand and thank him for taking away the financially and emotionally abusive Ex and for underwriting her future without me….

Arnold
Arnold
7 years ago
Reply to  FSTL

I did just that, thanked him. He looked a bit confused.

Lucky
Lucky
7 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Thanks Guys – good for you Arnold!!!

Some of us have been out on our own for much longer than others. My husband’s MLC ( yeah – sure – right ) lasted a total of 10 years. Let me tell you – I had my terrible moments too.

We learn from our mistakes and we reflect, grow and move on. That is what makes us mighty!

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
7 years ago
Reply to  FSTL

I’m with you FSTL. I would never actually thank the OW (turned wife) but knowing what I know now and seeing my ex for what he really is, I sometimes feel grateful that she helped to liberate me from that life. It’s not likely I would have left otherwise since ex “seemed nice;” we were married for a long time and we have two (adult) children. In a sense their affair turned out to be my get out of jail free card.

I’m not sure how I’d react if I ever saw her again but I’m certain I wouldn’t go out of my way to leave. Chump Lady is right. They are the pathetic ones; we did nothing wrong.

lldodd60
lldodd60
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

Nailed it!

Lucky
Lucky
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

Cheatersuck – My get out of jail card! Exactly!!!

My x was always creating drama in my life, but like you I stayed for way too long and would still be stuck in the seventh circle of hell had he not cheated with Miss Piggy!

He would last at a job for a couple of years ( usually a very good one with lots of stress – mostly self induced ) and we moved constantly. Always putting out one financial disaster after another. The man could bleed money.

Miss Piggy was in our lives as his “just a friend” co-worker for the last 3 years of our marriage. There were others looking back, but she was like glue. Married as well, so her husband and children were her “beard”.

They came to our house. Our kids became friends. Her husband worked long steady hours and she spent most of her free time ( who needs to parent 3 young kids – you know – they are resilient and all that crap ) with my x, sometimes at our house!!!!

I was like Princess Diana. My gut knew, but my head was slow putting all the puzzle pieces together. And I wanted to trust him!!!

I still now get the pleasure of seeing her at our children’s events or other social obligations.
I like to walk right up and say hello with a big shit eating grin on my face.

She looks at her feet and usually mumbles something similar back. I mean – I should thank her for the freedom I have gained mid life!!!

She is nothing. She is one of many I think and she won the booby prize. Good Luck with that!

Lady B
Lady B
7 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Lucky
You are mighty!

bepositive
bepositive
7 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Lucky,

All so true! The AP and my EX married. She can’t even meet my eyes when we happen upon one another (not often)! Just looks at her feet and agrees with whatever I have to say. It’s beautiful!

yomama
yomama
6 years ago
Reply to  bepositive

That is a great contrast to what I feared would happen when I first run into the AP… now that these posts have reminded me of my worthiness and their false sense of grandiosity, I might just walk up to her and say in my most welcoming voice, “I am surprised that you felt comfortable enough to show up here! Good for you!” and keep on walking right past them…

SheChump
SheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  yomama

yomama – now that you all got me thinking, as opposed to before when I never gave the scab any thought since she deserves N.O.N.E. Since I love to be a bit loud and surprise folks simply grocery shopping, I think I would run up to her and say – ‘OMG Kimmy! It’s been SO long since I’ve seen you’…and run up and hug her before she had a chance to breath. (I know her well) . And then I hope I’d just trot off. But, I totally intend to have words – too good an opportunity to pass up!

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Lucky
You rock!! ?

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

I haven’t quite reached the stage of grateful even though I have also realized how freeing it has been to discover the affairs of Narkles the Clown. My life is truly amazing now! I can hardly believe it. I’m still a bit childish. If I ran into the Flying Whore I would probably laugh uncontrollably and attempt to push out the words, “best of luck polishing that sparkly turd”
Knowing what I know now, CLis right, they’re so weak and pathetic.

Stephanie
Stephanie
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Bahahah! I’m picturing OW actually trying to polish a sparkly turd.

FTSL
FTSL
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

” liberate me from that life”

That’s it – you nailed it. I can’t imagine going back to her and her fake emotions and manipulations. Makes me cringe just thinking of it.

Kay
Kay
7 years ago

Chump lady, I love you. I’ve read this post before, but I’m going to possibly really need this soon- thank you so much for rerunning it. I hope you have a good day.

Kelli
Kelli
7 years ago

I’m about 3 years out from the separation, but I get the ex’s girlfriends–or more accurately ex girlfriends–contacting me. They are all devastated by his treachery. He has cheated of course. And they call me, for some reason.

The last one caught me in a humorous mood. All I could say was, “Welcome to the club. We have jackets!” It’s a line from the movie Shrek. But it works!

Refuses to be stupid
Refuses to be stupid
7 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

Jackets are way better! And no diseases to worry about?

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

And boots, made for walking… Far, far away!!

Tania Rochelle
Tania Rochelle
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I’d buy it.

DancesWithMeh
DancesWithMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I think the Chumplady emblem should be embroidered on the front, with the “Welcome to the club” tag line on the back. Great promo material for your next book. I’d buy 3.

EyesOpenNow
EyesOpenNow
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Maybe “I escaped a narcissist and all I got was this lousy jacket, the house, the kids and the 401k!”

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
7 years ago
Reply to  EyesOpenNow

I’m sitting in a bar reading this while my lovely 15yo daughter is working though her fucked up daddy issues with her therapist. ANYWAY, I laughed out loud. Thanks for that!!

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  EyesOpenNow

And both cars!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  EyesOpenNow

and the dogs.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  EyesOpenNow

Yes!!

Lady B
Lady B
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Oh too funny I want one!

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Hahahahahaha, with a matching scarf and hat!

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
7 years ago

The first time I saw her after numerous D days, I told her in a public area, “You’re nothing but an old whore and everybody knows it!” My ex yelled at me later because I made her cry. Boo. Hoo. *sarcasm*

Now, she is not worth the breath it takes to speak to her. She thinks she is so special because he married her. Little does she know, he is cheating on her and his mommy made him marry her in order to cover it up. They have cheated and swindled her so she has nothing and if she leaves, will have even less.

If we are ever together for something for the kids (that is a whole other story), she DOES. NOT. EXIST. My ex DOES. NOT. EXIST.

There are many more dynamics to this, but chump lady doesn’t have enough space for me to type all this. I have to deal with this the best I can.

Murphy Cee
Murphy Cee
7 years ago

My ex had me convinced that his ex wife was so crazy she might break into our house in the middle of the night and kill us, aka Broderick style. I can’t imagine what’s he’s convinced his current GF of. I do know that she is always on the look out for me, and the 1 time I spotted her she was gone before I realized who she was. (3 years and we live in the same school district & shop at the same stores so how have I not seen her?)

Initially I was obsessed with what I would say to her, but now I just feel sorry for her. And grateful that she is housing him, so I don’t have to!!

Special snowflake ha!
Special snowflake ha!
7 years ago

At this point, I think I would thank her for taking baby man off my hands. So glad you now get to cater to his every whim and need 24 hours a day. Thank you for listening to his outrageously impractical dreams over and over again. Thank you for taking that fiscally stupid man out of my life. You get to support him now! Don’t forget to drop Everything and Everyone and run when his family needs, too!

Bet you are living the dream. I know I am living much better now, thanks for that. Without you, I’d still be bending, twisting and pretzeling myself to accommodate him and his selfishness. You wanted him and his awesomeness….great, well it’s all yours now! Bwaaa!

Merry Meh-hem
Merry Meh-hem
7 years ago

Exactly! When I had the audacity to accurately peg the OW as a whore, he countered with, “At least that ‘whore’ cares how I feel,”. Of course she does, Babycakes! I’m sure Smoochie likes you better than living in the ghetto, though living with you is barely an upgrade. And who would know better than I….

Queenie
Queenie
7 years ago

This is scarily relevant to me at the moment. I’ve recently found out,after years of agonising bullshit,false reconciliation and gaslighting,the identities of my exes major affair partner who he was with for years before we broke up(was stunned)and also another woman who I was always suspicious of,whos husband actuallyleft her after finding out about her fling with my ex…if you include her own she’s actually been responsible for three marriage breakups. Trouble is I will most likely be seeing this particular one very soon as we frequent the same social scene and I’m not sure how to deal with her. Had the usual fantasies about burning her car etc. how to stay cool? Especially when I’ve had a drink…my temper can get thebetter of me….would love a witty one liner or suave crushing comment but I fear I will see her and all I will feel is humiliation and mockery :/

Chump Change
Chump Change
7 years ago
Reply to  Queenie

How about “Thank You for taking out the Trash…”

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  Queenie

I also had “fear of the boogeyman” as CL so aptly puts it, so I asked my therapist and he said (not surprisingly) mostly what CL said. But the thing that has stuck with me is that he recommended, if it happens, that I should try to behave in a way that I can look back on later and be proud of. In other words — for me — that meant acting with dignity. No hissy fits, no exchange of barbs, no violence….. I’ve been fortunate (knock wood) and have never seen either of them, but if I do, this is the talisman I cling to: dignity.

Cheaters1
Cheaters1
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Why is it that we, the chumps, are expected to act with grace in every aspect? I really don’t want to take the high road anymore. There is no benefit to it! All I hear over and over is you have to learn to accept and live with it. It doesn’t matter what the cheaters do bc they get a hall pass. Everyone tells me you may not like it but you have to accept it because you cannot change that he walked out, cheated, moved in his girl friend 3 months post divorce, buying a house together down the street, living the lavish lifestyle that use to be mine, teen child has to stay in the same household as the cheater and his mistress during his time, has all of the friends and family, so be the nice one. Nope!
One of my biggest regrets during the divorce process was that I kept his affair and all of his lies a secret for 8 months because of my shitty lawyer who lead me to believe we could leverage it!! (It doesn’t matter in a no fault state!)So, now I am telling the world! But, no one cares or surprised anymore when there is an affair involved. It is almost expected today. I am more introverted. He is mister charming and everyone loves him-even the ones that know what he has done! It makes me crazy angry!

If the mistress shows up to any of my daughter’s school or athletic events anytime soon, I will have a few words for her. I will be telling her about the first affair he had when I was pregnant. His family doesn’t even know about that one. I kept it quite! I am not going to sit there and not address the “bitch” in the room! Those days of sweeping everything under the rug and being quiet all of the time are gone!I am bat-shit mad!

I may regret it one day. But, if so, I will just add it to the list!!

WonderNoMore
WonderNoMore
7 years ago
Reply to  Cheaters1

I feel the same way but combat it with the realization that if I ‘go there’, I am jumping down into the ditch with them and relating to them on their level, and I am above that.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

When my kids did something stupid, Skanky “wrote” me a three-page letter that was the most self-aggrandizing, delusional piece of fiction I’ve ever read. She wanted me to “throw down my sword” (?) so we (me, X and Skanky) could “coparent” [our] children. Because it’s “what’s best for them.” She elevated her capacity for “forgiveness” to Mother Theresa status. I think she quoted from the Bible, too.

She was so pleased with herself and her work of art that she also copied my attorney and my son’s therapist.

Facts:

1. A quick look at the Word properties let me know that in fact, X had written the letter while they were at work. She signed it.

2. Both my attorney and my son’s therapist called me and told me to not even bother opening it because it was a huge violation of ethics and not worth my consideration. My attorney used it against X as proof of his bimbo’s interference in my parenting. And my son’s therapist told me that he finally understood that my sons and I were dealing with a very manipulative man.

3. I never replied. The venomous email from X came two days later. Seems they wanted me to crawl to them for help. And I ignored them. That must have stung.

4. I did send a copy to the director of human resources and Skanky and X’s boss. I told them that if I ever received another letter like that from their “company” personnel, I would file a harassment complaint. I wonder how that went over? 🙂 My attorney thought my response was perfect.

Indeed, silence is the best reply to a fool. But the people in the fool’s orbit? Open game!

I will never acknowledge Skanky. Ever. She means less than nothing to me.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago

PS. Her “Letter of Concern” came four months after X moved into their love shack in Clusterfuckdale. We didn’t divorce until another five months.

“Coparent” my ass!

KB22
KB22
7 years ago

It would go into their file at the very least. A verbal or written warning could have been issued. This did not help their credibility at the office.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

You rock, ChutesandLadders!

Lucky
Lucky
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Well Done!!!!!

BetrayedNoMore
BetrayedNoMore
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

**Dropping baseball bat**

Dammit.

Donna
Donna
7 years ago
Reply to  BetrayedNoMore

Mine is a wire coat hanger…in the middle of the night. Too much?

oaktree
oaktree
7 years ago
Reply to  BetrayedNoMore

The baseball bat – constant companion of my revenge fantasies! Or just a straight grip around the throat. But I do, grudgingly, prefer NWB’s approach after all. Sigh.

Stephanie
Stephanie
7 years ago
Reply to  BetrayedNoMore

Bahahah! Hahah that’s awesome!

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  BetrayedNoMore

????

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago
Reply to  BetrayedNoMore

Water just squirted out my nose… thank you BNM… we’re nothing without our humor!

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago
Reply to  BetrayedNoMore

🙂

Marisa
Marisa
7 years ago

I can so relate to this. Unfortunately I see AP almost everyday considering our kids are in the same grade and same school. How crazy is that. I see them around town all the time. It sucks when it’s in your face all the time. I have just gotten used to pretending they don’t even exist even when they are in front of me. That’s my way of getting through it.

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
7 years ago
Reply to  Marisa

I’m lucky in this regard. His slut/whore/bitch lives in another state. He has fallen for a female version of himself — no surprise there for a narcissist, huh? She has her kids 2 weekends a month. The other two they fly to each other’s places for their LOVE. I’m sure she has NO FUCKING IDEA that she is the latest in a long string of affairs.

I saw a Valentine’s Day card. She’s never been so in love before. He makes her sooooo happy. She can’t wait to spend a lifetime with him.

She has two young children, ages 7 & 9. Think Mr. N is going to be theee for them? Ha! He adores his daughter, but any other kid is nothing. But he’s been lying her her entire life so I’m not sure I’d call that love.

BlindSidedChump
BlindSidedChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Marisa

Marisa, I’m in the same boat as you. See OW frequently, as she had the nerve to move into my neighborhood with my EH, and send her son to my kid’s school. I even see her EH occasionally, and sometimes think about introducing myself to him to get some scoop on how crazy she is. But seeing as it’s been almost 2 years since D-Day, and we are now divorced, why stir the pot? They are two immature, delusional crazy people who have to plaster their true love all over FB (I’ve finally blocked both of them) and in front of me whenever I happen to see them. While I’m still traumatized by all that he (and she) did to me, I’m beginning to see the true benefits of being away from him and his disordered, toxic personality. Still rebuilding my life, so things are difficult and lonely, but I can see that at some point down the road, I will be better off away from him. I can’t say the same for my kids though, and that’s the part that will always make me sad. They will never recover from their family being broken apart, from their Daddy, who they worshipped, leaving to move in with another woman, who they are now forced to live with half their lives (and her son, as well). How he could do this to any child, let alone one who has autism and has a terrible time with change, is beyond me.

Marisa
Marisa
7 years ago

It’s funny you mention speaking to the OW’s husband. My situation is made so much worse by the fact that the OW myself and ex were all very much intermingled. Our kids were on the same sports teams and go to the same schools. We would go out together as families after games or a sporting event. Never thought in a million years that this would happen. But anyway once the discovery happened.. her husband and I grew a kinship of sort and compared tons of notes. It helped talking with him because he understood exactly how I felt.

NotYourPlanB
NotYourPlanB
7 years ago
Reply to  Marisa

Marisa, sounds familiar…OW and husband lived out of state in my case but were close friends thru my husband…even drove us to our honeymoon suite after the wedding!!! (now THAT’s weird for me to remember….). Anyways, after discovery, he and I did find a sort of kinship…and compared a lot of notes. It really helped cement in my head what an utter liar my STBX is, and how his OW has done exactly the same mindfuckery to her own family. The knowledge helped me file, and helped me understand how much the OW and STBX were manipulating us both…it explained so much! We still talk occasionally…sometimes it is too close to home, and too much a violation of NC to discuss things with the OW’s husband. Other times it is incredibly healing since yes, he knows EXACTLY how I feel, and we were able to talk things out when the rest of our friends were tired of hearing about it.
I hope to high heaven I never see the OW again, and have told STBX that (which he HATES to hear since he thinks she makes the sun and stars shine). I am hoping their relationship will implode before it’s an issue. Here’s hoping.

Marisa
Marisa
7 years ago
Reply to  NotYourPlanB

Omg absolutely agree on all points. Exactly!

March
March
7 years ago
Reply to  Marisa

Oh my god, you poor thing! I’m curious though, HOW does one react really when caught off guard in public? Some times I worry that I will run into OW at a grocery store since we live in r same neighborhood. Then I worry that I will not look good enough as I often run errands dressed like a slob. That would definitely give OW more validation.

Sweetsunny
Sweetsunny
7 years ago
Reply to  March

You look through them, like they are a piece of furniture that’s always been there. If it talks, you look over it’s ear with a slightly bored puzzled expression. If you have to talk to it, pretend you are the queen having to talk to a child visitor. Polite, distant and a little condescending.
Pisses them off, but no one can say you aren’t behaving. 😉

Marisa
Marisa
7 years ago
Reply to  March

Actually not too long ago I ran in to both of them food shopping together at our local grocery store and I literally lost my shit. Usually I am very calm and ignore them but it was rough day. She ran out of the store and sat in the car until he was done. I don’t like to react because i feel like that gives them power so I wasn’t very happy with myself that day. 20 years and he never went food shopping with me. Just drove me mad.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Marisa

Marisa

The X shopping with her means he has NO freedom. Remember he’s a cheater and she knows it. OW have to keep a close watch.

Marisa
Marisa
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Yep my thoughts exactly!

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago
Reply to  Marisa

It’s still new and shiny… give it time 🙂

Mr. Sparkles used to start the laundry and dinner before I got home… that lasted about 3 years.

DancesWithMeh
DancesWithMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  March

You have to not care about how you look. It’s not about that, but about your character. I hope she does see you dressed like a slob. That’s like you saying, “This is me not giving a shit! Hope you’re having fun with your shiny new turd. I have better things to spend my time on!”

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago

Timely, yes as I’m at the airport, the only place I might ever run into Susan of Seattle (or Dee of Boston) … I have long had a fantasy that I would scream “Hey, you fucked my dead husband” but I probably wouldn’t.

theotherwhitemansburden
theotherwhitemansburden
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

That should be very satisfying, Unicorn!

Lucky
Lucky
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicorn 🙂

I like this and applaud you doing this if ever you run into them in a large public area. My first image is of them fucking your husband after he had died. People would have to stop and think for a moment and I am sure it would cause quite the stir….

“Excuse me – I think I know you from somewhere….oh, that’s right YOU FUCKED MY DEAD HUSBAND!”

Excellent !!!!

Lucky
Lucky
7 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Ok Unicorn – stupid old laptop put the wrong face on there. – it should be a big smiley face. Please ignore grumpy!

Attie
Attie
7 years ago

Meeting the skank (frequently) is my reality unfortunately. When she cheated on and left him after 3 years she moved out of her small flat in town and into a rented house ….. wait for it ….. just across the field at the back of my house. A very close friend of mine has a small cafe/bar and I stop in to see him about twice a week for a coffee. Our kids grew up together and we go way back. Anyway, the skank and her new boyfriend are “frequent flyers” there too and since she is originally from the village where I live knows most people. I had met her boyfriend there (before I knew they were together) and always said “bonjour” to him so it was a bit weird when I saw them together and ignored them. Now when I go there I just say a general “bonjour” to anyone who is there and then sit back and watch the skank drink her bottle of whiskey. She is 10 years younger than me but to say she looks like a peasant is insulting to peasants – although I think she may still have straw in her clogs (as they say over here). The only thing I do make sure though is that if I stop in at the cafe I am always dressed nicely, hair washed (I don’t think the skank knows what shampoo is) and I have make-up on. To say he traded down is an understatement. One thing my friend did tell me though, is that she told him she had to leave my ex as she was afraid he would kill her – and on that I agree 100%. Other than that, I should really thank her for taking him off my hands – my get out of jail free card, so to speak – as I am now happy, healthy and solvent. Bring it on skank.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago

This is one of those times when it is therapeutic to have rage fantasies and/or deliver searing one liners in your mind, though in reality, it is most often best to avoid letting an asshole pull your integrity down to their level.

If you are at an event, having it out in any way can make the other person’s event suddenly be about your ex’s affair, which is misplaced (and can be hurtful to the hosts).

If you are in a public place, a brief send-off might work well, but a substantial interaction could get you on YouTube. 🙂 Same with telephone, email, and text – you can be recorded and it can be used against you (legally, with your kids and friends and “friends”, etc.)

The best revenge you can really muster is a solid and joyful life that is uncomplicated by assholes. It is AOK to have a zero tolerance policy for assholes. You don’t have to talk to a person to whom you don’t wish to talk. We are self actualized adults and we can walk away from assholes.

And, we are all the better for it in the long run. 🙂

PuraVida
PuraVida
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Excellent advice. I’ve been writing my ideas down in a place no one else can read and only sharing them with close friends and family. I’m very proud of my creativity insulting her, though. (Credit due to CL/CN for a LOT of inspiration…)

I look forward to the day, where as CL describes, she doesn’t occupy any of my “mental real estate.” Meh is a beautiful future place.

Emm@
Emm@
7 years ago

Hey Chumps 🙂 Two years and half ago when I discovered about the OW I wanted to punch her… six months later, when she send me a Facebook friendship request to show me the ring she got from ex… I had wild dreams of revenge. Now… well, I smile 🙂 I am thankful… I mean I don’t miss ex and I am happy that he is out of my life. She can enjoy the bullshit. I have no contact whatsoever with him or her, but if one it will happen to meet them… I guess I will show them my best “cat smile” and I will walk away happily dancing the samba like the queen I am… To the newbie my advice is to do not waste time or energy behind the OW / OM, when ex told me about the cheating expecting a tantrum I told him that I was no dog fighting for a used bone… I am still freaking proud of that. So keep up with no contact and avoid wasting energy behind these people… Give yourself all the love and the attention you deserve. This is I guess the best advice I can give you… Or at least, this is what I did and keep doing. Wish u all a great week!
Love
Emm@

KB22
KB22
7 years ago
Reply to  Emm@

Special kinda bat shit crazy sending a “friend request” just to show off a ring received from your married lover to his wife. Good luck to your ex I have a feeling he’s gonna need it:)

Emm@
Emm@
7 years ago
Reply to  KB22

I have the same feeling… and I am just happy I have nothing to do with the two of them any more! I am pretty sure they “deserve” each other somehow. I have learned that is way better to be alone that feeling lonely – an hurt – in a couple… I just hope she has done with the stalking cause is weird… seriously
Emma@

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
7 years ago
Reply to  Emm@

“No dog looking for a used one”

Well done Emm and good for you for taking the high road. But one can always dream of revenge ?

Emm@
Emm@
7 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

I guess I am taking the best revenge 😛 two years after the breakup I look younger and prettier, I dropped 20 kilos, live abroad and have amazing friends … Dating sucks (I am 40) but is ok… I mean, honestly I do not feel ready and I am not in an hurry… there are things in life than love that I guess I need to explore! I feel lucky that our “lovestory” that lasted over a decaded… ended up before our marriage… seriously… I went through some hard time emotionally… but at least economically speaking I always had control of my life… beside, there were no kids involved… To tell you the truth in the first months I was keeping a diary, i love writing… so I was “emotionally” throwing up everything on the page… after two weeks I added at the beginning “this is just a fictional work… not planning of doing anything written on it”… just in case! It helped… I also wrote me a letter, describing my feelings and my pain. I read it recently… made me feel amazing, honestly. I walked a long way… not in Meh kingdom yet, but I feel close. No idea right now if ex is still with her or not… I know that i blocked the other woman from any social media, cause she started to following me on Pinterest (seriously… pinterest????) and Instagram… So I blocked her… 🙂

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

Love this column. Love the line from your sister-in-law too. Perfect for quite a few occasions I think. Might even try it on my teen while looking at his bedroom….
As to the OW I think the extent to which they can wreak havoc can differ.
In my case they were all in Asia so I don’t feel vulnerable through geographic proximity. I know this is important because when I later found out one had visited the UK I felt very threatened and she became more of a presence in my head.
Also he had already finished with one andcwas trying to unpeel a second from much of his life. He was at that time with the third.
The second was so young and he was so disinterested and mean speaking about her that she never really became more than a shadow.
The first knew a great deal about us and me in particular – she would pump him for info about us all the time. This felt horrible but she was older than me and really not attractive and wrote such spectacularly awful things about him when she found out he was cheating on her too that she was easy enough to overcome.
The third for me was a big problem. Younger but not more attractive just different, she was threatening because she seemed everything I wasn’t but wanted to be. She was independent, hippy, easy going, travelled, fun, thin etc. And he obviously liked her a lot. Had fun. Was becoming invested. So it was the emotional closeness they had that hurt most but he didn’t leave me for her – it never crossed his mind. If he had I might very well still be struggling with her. She wrote a good apology email (I can post in the forum if anyone wants a read that actually did make me feel a bit better even though I hate to admit it).
I made him tell me everything he had told them. I made him tell me everything they did. I made him tell me everything that they would not want me to know. It was a reclaiming power thing I guess. And from all he said I did stop him talking about them eventually as they did seem screwed up and pathetic. And he was treating them as badly as me. Difference is they signed up eyes wide open as they all knew he was married with three boys. They were doing the pick-me dance. My middle son is NC when he found out his dad had shared intensely personal stuff about him with them all.
Now seven months later I don’t really ever think of them. I did think I would send a copy of the divorce decree to #3 but really can’t be bothered yet.
I would not want to meet them but would not feel cowed anymore. They are not worth a fraction of us and they know it somewhere, no matter how many defenses they put up.
Sorry if all this is a bit off topic. Just had to get all that off my chest.

Emm@
Emm@
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

I hear you about proximity… me and ex live in different countries as well… I know I won’t see him. Going through the process was easier. The no – contact was much easier as well. I did not ask him about the other woman… I mean, he just left me withouth turning back and vanished from my life. Like he did not care. More than ten years together and he left without turning back. Honestly I felt miserable at the beginning… then I have undestood that somehow I was lucky… he spared me the shit and all the cake- begging. Sometimes I wonder… My gut is telling me that this ow was not the first one… I wonder how many and for how long… but then… there is so many things I want to do. I feel like I have lost enough time of my life thinking about him. And whatever he will tell me I know I won’t believe him… Sometimes I feel quiet a moron… like “how didn’t I see all this coming? Why did’t I see the red flags?” … I am giving myself an hard time… But it is getting better. Mine was not with an asian chick cause he never went to Asia… but I found on his phone one day picture and pictures of young chicks… he told me that he was nothing. I believed him… this happened some years before the breakup. I should have known better. But again… went this way. Send u all hugs
Emm@

DancesWithMeh
DancesWithMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

What is it with those British and Aussie men getting it on with Asian chicks?

My Aussie ex had many many Thai girlfriends, but never brought any on to Aussie soil because he knew they were gold diggers, and his 19 year old Aussie AP wouldn’t have liked it, though he did take her to Thailand with him. I think he was expecting her to double team him with one of them.

They were all ugly, as he had a propensity towards 10 year old boys, but was too screwed up to admit it. Of course, they were even uglier inside for disrespecting themselves enough to let that morbidly obese 51 year old go anywhere near them… but designer handbags are expensive, and they needed money. The Aussie AP needed a car.

I’m glad to be rid of them all, and am now back in the US. 20 years, no kids. I am free. I never have to see that fat turd nor his ugly whores again in this lifetime!

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  DancesWithMeh

I can tell you there were times when I was backpacking and roughing it in South America and Africa when I understood why a woman who will never have running water in her shack would do anything for what we take for granted here. I remember once after weeks without a shower and freezing at night in the Andes, stepping into a trickle of hot water and thinking “Yes, I would sell my body for that if I was stuck in this kind of life. I completely understand it now. And if I had kids on top, I would sell it cheap!”
I have some sympathy for some of these “golddiggers” in those countries. None for the APs in the developed world. Especially women today because other generations fought so hard for financial independence, access to nearly all careers and these skanks are shitting on all that hard work.

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

I can 100% agree with that. Paid prostitutes are just doing their jobs. It’s sad and gross but they get paid to have sex. If it was a hooker that my STBX was involved with I could understand it has literally nothing to do with her. Its like getting mad at the girl behind the counter at a fast food restaurant for selling your WH a burger when he’s on a diet. Sorry. She does what she needs to to get by.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Mine is actually an American. And his Asian AP’s were highly educated and two had great jobs. One was a PhD student.
One AP was Iranian also highly educated. Bloody meet ups. That’s where they hooked up.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

I make no excuses for educated and relatively well off women, but I’ve been to places where it’s obvious that my livestock have much better lives than the people there. I’d rather be a sheep on my farm always knowing I will have something to eat today than be a human in a lot of places. That’s the kind of people I mean when I say I can understand it.

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Sad there are so many out there that knowingly get into a relationship with married men/women. It’s as bad as the one having the affair. Lots of Bad apples out there.

JC
JC
7 years ago

I don’t know how I missed this column when it first ran!

I used to think of running into the OM. I always pictured myself just laughing at him, though. I never thought he was better than me, except in his ability to provide novelty to my wife after I’d been with her for 8 years and he knew her for 8 months.

Well done, sir! Very impressive! You really proved you’re the better man!

Later on, after I left my wife, and the fuzzy details of his “ex girlfriend and mother of his son” were cleared up (that “ex” girlfriend was actually a fiancé, and then a wife), I stopped finding him humorous. Then I just found him to be twice a loser…like my wife.

I do feel bad that the OM’s ex has to deal with my ex, however. I do like the, “Surely you know what I think of you.”

I’d probably be harsher, and say, “Surely you know what the world thinks of you.” But it would make no difference. Cheaters and APs have convinced themselves that their actions–even if wrong–don’t truly result in negative views of their character.

Km
Km
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

Or…. Surely you know what God thinks of you… as she has preached twice in her little church! To convince herself she’s forgiven. Really a special place in Hell for them all!!

DancesWithMeh
DancesWithMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

Or more correctly, they have no concept of character to ever make them think they might look bad.

Georgie
Georgie
7 years ago
Reply to  DancesWithMeh

YES!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

Yes, they are special. They are different. (eyeroll)

MightyAgain
MightyAgain
7 years ago

Chump Lady, I really needed to read this again. My Ex, is now back with Schmoopie, and they both live 5 minutes away from me. It is now my biggest fear of running into them together. I almost want it to happen already, so the worst case scenario is no longer in my head.

I have a second job at a convenience store, which is in between their places, it’s just a matter of time before they’ll stop in there. This is where I need to be strong and hold my head high, because in my mind, they’ll be laughing all the way home, that I now “have” to work there. But deep down, I know better, I know that I work there because I’m strong, and the extra income helps.

My daughter graduates High School this spring and I’m pretty sure he’ll be bringing her, even though I’ve asked him not to (as if he cares what I want). Another Shit sandwich I’ll have to eat, if he’ll bring her, and I for sure won’t be making a scene there. I will be sitting with my Son (whom does not speak to his Dad since he got back with Schmoopie) and by my 3 best girlfriends that also have kids graduating on that day.

But come picture time after ceremonies.. Oh man, I’ll have to use your great line, there’s no way I won’t say anything at all to that Whore (who was a “friend”).

My family (including Ex) speak another language, thinking that I’ll speak it only – to piss her off, she won’t know what I’m saying, LOL.

Emm@
Emm@
7 years ago
Reply to  MightyAgain

Well MightyAgain I think you rock, for real! You have a son and two jobs… I mean, you are so cool! You are strong and you own it. You can look at yourself in the mirror every morning and be proud of what you see. Seriously, if they would do something like this, coming to your convenient store to “mock” you they would just show how pathetic they are… Doing something like this with your daughter is even worst… Which kind of huan being behave like this? Ohhhh wait, I know the answer… the shitty ones. What are they expecting to gain? For the foreign language… why bother? I mean… why giving her the satisfaction to think she is important? She is not… She is just a weak little creature… don’t you worry that all these bad decisions she is making (same thing for your ex) will bite their ass later in life… Sending you huge hugs 🙂
Emm@

Attie
Attie
7 years ago
Reply to  MightyAgain

Speaking another language would be great, but you have to do it while looking at her and then laughing uproariously! I mean, you could actually just be talking about your vegetable garden but don’t forget the staring and laughing!

MightyAgain
MightyAgain
7 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Oh God looking at her? I have to, it would be glorious! LOL

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
7 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Mighty a Wouldn’t it be great if you pulled it off. It’ll be hard but be strong. And kudos to everything you’re doing for you and your kids.

MightyAgain
MightyAgain
7 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

Thank you ImAPhool! I gotta do what I gotta do, we all do! Chumps are so much stronger than we think we are.

PF
PF
7 years ago

The only one of the many I encountered by coincidence, I just wrote a note with the heading “take a number and the # 6” and a phone number for a mental Heath Center and handed it to him.

The little shrimp ran away like a little girl.

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
7 years ago
Reply to  PF

Love it. I wish I could meet every new girl he’s with and tell them all about who he really is.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago

My X moved his girltress (half his age) in from out of town… 4 months after our separation… In the building next door from where I moved to… 50/50 custody schedule for our kiddo then in elementary school… She got so anxious she could not sleep while at his place, she could not understand and got very anxious, he of course did not see anything wrong and said he loved his new girlfriend and was a happy kid…

I was searching for advice online on how I was going to cope with our kiddo living with the X and his girltress… That is how I found CL & CN…

An oasis of solace and great realistic advice, yep the shit sandwiches have kept on coming. But overall, two and a bit years past DDay, and over a year divorced, I haven’t address my X in anything but our parenting software and text in over two years…

Karma to me is them living together, their relationship is a drama central from what I hear.

Yep I still live next door, and I know that they are the ones who shamed themselves and have clearly shown that they are disgusting individuals… The loudest F*U to the disordered is silence, and that’s all they get from me.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Another satisfied customer of No Contact, the peace and the light.

Way to set the example Chumpitude!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

AllOutofKibble – Thank you for the compliment and for all the wisdom you share on CN, your advice and contributions are a great source of strength and solace in my chump recovery journey.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Awesome! You are mighty, Chumptitude.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago

Thank you neverwouldhaveimagined – Like your moniker states so well, I never would have imagined I would stumble upon the secret email account my then husband was using for his extra-curricular activities with his grad whore.

In addition to knowing about their affair, I have that number, 500 sent emails to her behind my back… Like they say, one lie is a mistake, two lies is deception, three is a lifestyle. I did not want to have any part in his lifestyle.

If you’re going through hell keep going neverwouldhaveimagined, better days are ahead!

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Chumptitude
You are impressive! I could not stand that at all. It does show their utter lack of human understanding that they have chosen to do that. How on earth can you go even grey rock with them so close? My imagination would torture me into the ground after a week (or less).
Hugs to you. And hats off!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Thanks Cap and Tempest, I stayed the course largely through the support of family and friends as well as the amazing strength, wisdom, and insights of CN… Through the hell of my divorce, I kept on going, and yes, the pain is intense, but who’s going to be there for our kiddo if not me?

All this does not come without costs. I’m diligently working to reduce my cPTSD symptoms. It is a rough road to parallel parent with a disordered fuckwit, but what’s the alternative?? Staying knowingly married to a cheating lying coward? Nope.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Chumptitude is a beacon of strength and wisdom (and she kicked ass in her settlement).

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
7 years ago

I would’ve seen the still-married-to-her-poor-chump-of-a-husband homewrecker at my second son’s recent wedding, but he and my fabulous new DIL proactively told her and my ex that out of respect and consideration for me, she was NOT invited to any wedding-related events… no inclusion in the family photography session, no rehearsal dinner, no wedding, and no reception (robbing she and my philandering ex of the opportunity for a public and supposedly legitimizing POTG dance). Frankly, I was relieved I didn’t have to breathe the same air as she. But before I knew she wasn’t going to show, I tried to come up with a zinger of a one-liner, something like “You do know you’re #14, right”? Then I’d smile sweetly, turn and walk away.

Whenever my third son chooses to settle down, I guess I’ll have another wedding to attend. I’m Zero Contact with my ex so will handle him exactly as I’ve done for the past two weddings (completely ignore). Who knows, maybe by then, #14 will be history and I’ll have to rub elbows with #16, #18 or #20.

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

My daughter got married a year and a half ago and she told her father that he was invited but no way that his gf was invited. gf didn’t go, her father went and spent the entire time looking like he was constipated and just staring at me with sad sausage eyes. He finally corners me and I used the wow, bummer, really answers, because I told my daughter that I would be civil. Totally pissed him off but he had the sadz, so couldn’t show his anger. Made me giggle later on with my friends there. It was a good day.

Onward_chump
Onward_chump
7 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

Awesome family! Good for you!

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
7 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

Awesome DIL ?

PuraVida
PuraVida
7 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

I thought the same thing! What a gem.

Attie
Attie
7 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

I am hoping to completely ignore my ex at my son’s wedding in July but I know he will want to play the “hey look everyone, we’re all good friends here”. I’m gonna cut that down pretty sharp I can tell you. The new gf is not the AP so I have no ax to grind with her and will feel rude for ignoring her but hey, I guess as long as I am polite when introduced I can leave it at that. Poor sod, living with that piece of shit!

Anita
Anita
7 years ago

When I was trying to reconcile with ex, I was very brainwashed by the RIC advice. Their position 90% of the time is “Don’t confront AP. She knows things you don’t. You’ll get hurt.”. That kind of garbage.

So I went on with my ex sneaking around with the skank and didn’t confront this person. She really was built up to superhuman status at that time, in my mind. I thought she was so beautiful ( although I hadn’t seen her), so smart, so witty. So classy and sophisticated. Blah blah blah.

One day I’d snapped. I had enough. I called the witch. We spoke on the phone a couple of minutes, during which she called ME the c-word. Say what? Then the conversation moved to texting.

Yes, she was as nasty to me as the RIC predicted. Repeated things ex said about me. Called me names. Threatened me. The bitch even told me she hated me. Again, say what?

I am so glad I did this. It was the turning point in relationship with ex. This chick was beyond PATHETIC, as Chump Lady says. A vapid, whiny, immature, wingnut loonbait whore. After this, she was pretty much gone from my mind, and my whole perspective changed. On both her and the cheater ec who affiliated himself with this demon. What losers she and ex both are. Don’t fear these creeps, Mandi. They aren’t worth it.

Living a Nightmare live
Living a Nightmare live
7 years ago

You will like this one! See, they have been carrying on for almost 4 years now, they both think I don’t know.(Long story but just know I have the power of reveal and when I am able to go-BOOM!) So I was Manager of a Furniture store, he was remodeling the home behind it for my boss last year. She came in to MY store for me to wait on her while she was texting him. He came in to get my “Lunch”order , saw her and smiled so sweetly and told me, “You have a customer.” Dropping his head like a boy in love! Oh how sweet to rub it in. I did not wait on her, in fact I left her to roam about alone giving no Customer service at all. He left, she followed about 3 minutes later. That night, I put a Voice Recorder in my Master bathroom and got a conversation! (along with the sex) keep in mind I was asleep 3 feet away. They have an Anniversary coming up on March 17th-ish. How sweet!

Attie
Attie
7 years ago

Wow, what bastards, lining you up to wait on the AP! Oh man, I wish I could be there when you drop the bombshell!! And recording them —– I am in awe of your shadow.

Lucky
Lucky
7 years ago

Sick Fuckers “Living a Nightmare”. They just love to put their AP”s under the “unsuspecting” spouse’s nose. They get special sparkly narc feelings from doing these things ( ask me how I know ).

Sounds like you are lining up your ducks and have a plan. Also sounds like you are well ready to be rid of your soon to be x husband.

You will have to let us all know how that goes. I hope they enjoy their stupid anniversary. Geeze….

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
7 years ago

I didn’t know the extent of the affair until I talked to the OW since asswipe was lying about the relationship. She was duped just like I was. He told her he was single and lived with a roommate and a whole bunch of other lies. She even cried on the phone since she couldn’t believe she was ruining a marriage. I told her only one person was to blame.

So a year later, which was just a couple weeks ago I asked her if she would meet me. Don’t ask why. Maybe closure or just that I can’t stop thinking about all this. she agreed and I never thought about it from her perspective, but for a year she felt sick to her stomach and couldn’t really talk to anyone about it because she felt like she did something wrong and has a hard time trusting guys. In the end we’re just part of the same club where we got screwed, literally and otherwise, by the same asshole

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
7 years ago

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t recognize you without cum dripping down your face.”

Sketchyokgirl
Sketchyokgirl
7 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

Awesome!!!

mickeyblueeyes
mickeyblueeyes
7 years ago

Well I will never meet the OM, he died in a plane crash. Didn’t like the guy for obvious reasons but certainly didn’t want him dead, and as far as I’m aware it recorded as pilot error. Did he take his own life? No idea, and sorry if it sounds cold, but I don’t really give that thought much headspace. The sad thing is that his widow killed herself a year later, did she know about my STBXW and her husband? I’m pretty sure she did..It may not be the main reason she took her own life but it’s probably a factor in it. Cheaters can leave such a trail of destruction behind them.

My fellow chumpy girlfriend handled her own situation very well with her Ex and the AP when they met, she smiled, said “hello” and ignored her for the rest of the event.

Mjo
Mjo
7 years ago

I have yet to run into her or see her with my ex. I think the day I do, it will throw me into a lot of pain all over again. How do you ever recover from adultery?

Km
Km
7 years ago
Reply to  Mjo

I don’t know. Apparently my husbands friend gets her hair done at the same place I do. I was waiting one day for a haircut and this woman with her hair all foiled gets to the door to leave and turns to announce she’s leaving girls. It hits me about a minute later who it was. We’ve never talked in person but have texted. I am very sure it hit her a few seconds later from the proof on her FBI page. She put up these pictures of a woman who had gone to a personal trainer over months. The little frames of the change and then her comments to let her know if anyone wanted the name. She is a workout queen and nine years younger than me. She’s lovely and evil!

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
7 years ago
Reply to  Mjo

Follow the steps here. No contact. Gray rock. Rebuild your own life. Try not to waste your thoughts on them. Therapy helps. Reconnect to the things you love. Celebrate your freedom from a cheater.

Hugs. Peace.
aeronaut

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  Mjo

I was thinking of this when I was watching the Academy Awards — not only have many of those folks been cheated on, but all of their exes’ exploits are splashed all over every tabloid and TV channel every day. It’s easy to think they’ve got it made with their beauty and wealth, but I’ll bet there’s some genuine emotional grieving, as well, and I don’t envy them having to watch the whole world celebrate their betrayal. It’s bad enough (for me) that Facebook exists.

Kurleegirl
Kurleegirl
7 years ago

People told me that one day I would feel sorry for her. I’m 5 days out from Dday and just waiting on the divorce decree. As soon as the judge granted the divorce, he moved ho-chick in with him, in get this…his parents basement. He’s 40, she’s 32. At that age, I already had a house for 2 years so there is no way some man who got me the permanent label of homewrecking whore is going to move me into his parents basement. As one of my friends told me “Nothing has changed but his address”. He’ll probably be good to her for a minute longer, but once things get rough, he’ll just revert to old habits and just wash, and repeat.

My kids do not know yet that he has been cheating with her ALL of their lives and even though she is there when they come for visitation, they have very little contact with her. They are very bitter about the breakup and the only reason I haven’t told them is that I’m waiting for the child support payments to start coming directly out of his paycheck so that he cannot try to withhold it in retaliation. They were 4 and 6 when we split and crying everyday about it. Now that they are older, and he is still with her, they need to hear the truth now. And knowing my kids, they will HATE her once they now. On more than one occasion, he left the money for the kids with her to pass on to me. Part of me laughs at this. He used marital money (aka my money) to finance his whoredom. Now she can watch much more money come out of his hands to take care of his kids. And even the money that he stands to get from the divorce ( when our youngest turns 21—-12 years from now, lol) will likely have to be given back to me cause he has to pay for their college education. Hope she’s not counting on that…

I have not had much contact with her since the split, he seems to be hiding her…if what they are doing is ok, why hide her? Honey, if he is your secret, you are not the only secret…watch out!

Jodi Lynch
Jodi Lynch
7 years ago

What a great article!

I have run into the AP ~ at our small local grocery store.

She was about 6 steps ahead of me entering the store when she realized who I was.

She got very nervous and began an excited conversation with someone she knew in the store while I walked calmly by seemingly oblivious to who she was.

She is nothing. She did not take my husband from me ~ he did. And he did me a favor.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Jodi Lynch

Yes, when I caught them together I addressed only him. Cheater was the problem. AP was inconsequential. She wasn’t the first and won’t be the last.

Blindside
Blindside
7 years ago

I had a dream last night that I tried to run over the OM in my car. The dream notwithstanding, I don’t think about him so much any more as much as how badly my ex-wife has used me and lied to me all these years – and in virtually every aspect of our lives. I now primarily think about her behavior and her actions, and I can barely stand to look at her.

It’s not even the affair that angers me (it does), so much as the lying to get me to buy this or that, to pay for this or that, to convince me that I was in a committed relationship so I’d stick around and help her out — all while she was planning her next move once she was done with me. She’s moving out (thank God), but I can clearly see her personality coming through for what it is, especially now at the end. She has all the money I saved while she blew all her money on gym memberships, yoga pants, personal trainers, and plastic surgery (thanks no-fault divorce!!) and has no self-awareness or shame about any of it. Everything she’s taking from our house is the nicest stuff we have (all the furniture she convinced me to buy while she was having her A these past several years). She knows exactly what she wants – again no surprise as she seems to have been planning this out for a long time. Meanwhile, I still feel like I’m living in the Twilight Zone. I point her actions out to her, but all I get back is the thousand-yard stare. It’s really disturbing to me that I chose this person to marry and have children with, and I’m embarrassed around my friends and family to even have to talk about her.

Anyway, if it wasn’t for the fact that my kids would have to deal with them, I would love nothing more than for my ex to end up with the OM – but that would require him to leave his wife, so I’m not getting my hopes up. Given their nature, they’d no doubt screw each other over eventually. I’m no marriage counselor, but selfishness, lying and hiding doesn’t seem to be a great foundation to build a relationship upon. It would be a disaster to be a part of, but it would be semi-interesting to watch from afar, sort of like watching a weapons test. There’d be a lot of loud noises and explosions for a while, but when it’s over, we’d all just go home.

Attie
Attie
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Blindside, I was screwed over by my ex. We earned decent money together but every penny we had went on his “toys” – Toyota Landcruiser – he rolled it one month after I paid if off. He has wrecked two other cars, I have a whole separate file on money we had to pay out to repair other people’s cars with his drink-driving, the guitar collection. I could go on. I am now living on half our previous income but guess what, I have savings in the bank, all the bills are paid, and I am happy. He went on invalidity and guess what, all his personal debts were paid off because of the invalidity. All the joint debts (which he took out in both our names) were handed over to me in the divorce. But you know what, it was worth every penny to be rid of the tosser, so keep the faith, you are so much better off without her.

Blindside
Blindside
7 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Thanks Attie. Yes, I know that I will be better off soon……it’s just so hard to come to the realization that our purpose in their lives was just to be a provider instead of a partner.

chumpionsahm
chumpionsahm
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

I’m on the other end of that, Blindside. I took on all of the parenting, at his suggestion, so that he could focus on launching and growing a business. All of his success was built on my back. Now, when we should be planning happy retirement and celebrating flight of our kids, I’m suddenly erased. Yes, we were both definitely used. Big sigh. Give yourself time. I think I have about reached acceptance, but then it turns out I have a ways to go.

desdemona
desdemona
7 years ago

All my rage was turned towards my X. I jack-hammered his “reputation”.
The schmoopie was a nobody – living off her then husband – no education,never held a job down, was kicked out of the local RedCross while volunteering there, the list goes on.
Tried her best to rub it in my face, but never gave her the satisfaction of being” important”.
I consider her a POS – the kind that floats to the surface and exasperates you; as you try to flush it down the toilet-the umpteenth time!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  desdemona

Yes, cheater was the real problem. CL is right. AP’s are pathetic. I thought this OW had to be amazing. No, not at all. Cheater just wanted cake, and I was done compromising my values and covering for him because I thought I could save our marriage.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago

” The ex liked to tell me she was prone to violent rages! alcoholism! drama! (Projection much, dude?) Very convenient — if the cheater tells the Schmoopie and the spouse that the other one is CRAZY, well, hey, they might not compare notes. Unified Theory of Cake and all. Don’t talk to each other! You don’t know what she’ll do!” The Limited used to say, “I found someone, want a divorce and don’t ruin it for me.” Obviously, his well practiced narrative left out the fact that he was a serial cheater who dated multiple women at a time, told them he was unhappy for years, and the only criteria for winning the prize was to be the first to fuck him in a hotel. He never wanted our paths to intersect.

Once I met Nanthony face to face it was over for me. I had found a therapist and CL. This was his final destination and when to his surprise, I filed and he was stuck with it. Previously, he would find another woman, I would fight for him and win the pickme dance. I relived the infatuation, devalue, and discard fazes repeatedly for 36 years.

At first the Limited bragged to his adult children that he liked her CRAZY. He viewed it as something positive; I guess compared to living with a hard working decent wife and mother with a moral compass.
Pretty soon the complaints started rolling in to his children about Nanthony, her addictions, abuse, son, and granddaughter. Her violent rages were due to borderline personality disorder. She was told not to come to my daughters work place where she caused a scene.

Initially, I had chest pains when she harassed me in public places. Yet she was the one who gave me insight into just how disordered the Limited had always been. She became his voice box spewing out all the lies he told her to justify fucking a married man and rescuing him from abuse.

I would never thank Nanthony for interrupting a cycle of abuse I had tolerated for a lifetime. She was the most needy and desperate one he happened upon who wanted to be someone’s dream girl after a lifelong search for a good guy. She has knowledge of his serial cheating and believes he will never cheat on her. However, she knows the truth and with attachment disorder she clings to an illusion and he has lost all independence as she calls him frantically each and every time he is away. The madness is hers to live now, not mine.

The way I finally got her out of my life was to repeatedly call the police and finally fill out a report. The devaluation cycle has already started as he insisted on her seeing a therapist while he is seeking new supply. No contact is a lifestyle as I have set boundaries. Rather than thanking the OW, I thank Tracy. She is the voice that finally spoke to me. And my therapist who literally jumped out of his seat and told me to file.

KB22
KB22
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Narcs and borderlines are very attracted to one another. Initially. However, the narc will eventually grow irritated or bored with the borderline, but he then finds out she is not that easy to discard and can be quite vengeful. That is when you grab the popcorn.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  KB22

Yes, that is the dynamic exactly, KB22. I’m hoping he hangs in there for a while as I am quite sure he is using the excuse of having my health benefits to keep him from marrying her. Once I change my job, he will lose them. I am sure she will pressure him into marrying. Then the second part of my plan will happen automatically. It will be a domino effect into his own self created hell.

The biggest ‘mistake’ a cheater makes is to underestimate the power of a chump. The one thing I can count on in the special delivery he shall receive is that narcissists are predictable if nothing else.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Yes, Doingme. You are so mighty. I believe the cycle would have continued repeatedly for me, too. I found CL and realized the only way to make him stop hurting me was to get out. I’m sorry you had to involve the police. OW sounds like a disordered piece of work.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago

Mighty, right back at ya, Never!

LaughingSquirrel
LaughingSquirrel
7 years ago

I’d just quote lyrics from my new favorite song, “Nobody speaks, nobody gets choked

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUC2EQvdzmY

PuraVida
PuraVida
7 years ago

I LOVE RtJ! Excellent mantra, thanks for sharing. This song has new meaning for me now. 🙂

Tessie
Tessie
7 years ago

The only schmoopie I ever met was the one who helped break up our marriage. After cheater ex announced ILYBINILWY and he was madly in love with her, he waited for fireworks. He got hmmmm, really? When I am blindsided, I tend to go icy quiet to give myself time to think, a holdover from my childhood with two narc parents. I will say that I never slept in the same bed with him again.

We normally went to an Alanon meeting together as kind of a date thing. You know, like trying to improve the marriage? Ha! Yeah, right! Well a few days after DD we walked in to the place where the meeting was held. I had to chair the meeting that particular day. I settled myself in at the table in the front of the room with the co-chair. Just as we were about to begin the meeting, in waltzed this plain Jane brunette and plunks herself down next to my husband. I opened the meeting in the usual way. Meanwhile they started to canoodle. She had her hand on his knee. Well it is a good thing I am blessed with a great poker face. At first I thought about going over and slapping the crap out of both of them! Then I decided to hang on to my dignity and just chair the goddamn meeting. Everyone knew we were married and kept looking at them and then at me. I pointedly ignored them.

Well, I made it through the meeting and afterwards I went into the bathroom and cried for a few minutes. Then I splashed cold water on my face, put my poker face back on and went out to the car, ignoring them saying goodbye on the porch. When cheater ex got in the car, I calmly told him, “You want her, you got her! Let’s go home and pack your shit.” He didn’t expect that! He was all like …Wait a minute, wait a minute! I need time to make up my mind! I gave him three days. He supposedly picked us, but of course he actually went more underground with the affair.

I think he was hoping for a catfight. He told me later that I didn’t fight for him which meant I didn’t love him enough to fight for him. I, on the other hand, saw fighting for someone who had so enjoyed publicly humiliating me as an added insult. Oh HELL NO!

A few months later after I took the boys and left his sorry ass, he took a different job that paid about a sixth of what he had been making, so he wouldn’t have to pay much in child support. The fountain of money dried up and schmoopie dumped him, I’m sure for greener pastures. Yeah, true love there!

My life today is pretty much serene and peaceful. Of course there are ups and downs but no drama, just the way I like it. Don’t miss the shithead at all.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Jesus, the balls on that guy! Trotting out his OW in a shared public place and then saying he hasn’t made up his mind yet? Wow. Just … wow.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Tessie. You are a class act. ❤

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

And just to add I love reading your posts here and in the forums (is it ok if it’s for a selfish reason?). You write about stuff you have been through and somehow although I am kind of cut off from some of my own feelings about my stuff in the past, reading your experiences releases a lot of it. It’s as if I can’t feel sorry for myself but I can be sorry for someone else and it’s ‘as if’ it’s mine and it gets processed.
Crikey. I thought I knew what I meant but now have confused us all, lol ?

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Capricorn,

We know exactly what you mean. Reading Tessie’s descriptions of her situations gives you new perspective and understanding on yours.

Hugs. Peace.
aeronaut

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

I’ll probably have to see my X’s latest AP/nowGF at some event (oldest graduates from college in a year and a half). Since I know she was forced to go on antidepressants from the narc abuse, and probably regrets leaving her sweet first husband for narc-X, I do think of her as sad. Plus she keeps him from bothering me, so I win.

junglechump
junglechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

“Since I know she was forced to go on antidepressants from the narc abuse, and probably regrets leaving her sweet first husband for narc-X, I do think of her as sad. Plus she keeps him from bothering me, so I win.”

Big win!

Chumplawyer
Chumplawyer
7 years ago

The OWwas my upstairs married neighbor…in a 3-flat…also with a kid…we were close friends…and did I mention she was our family photographer? After I kicked my ex out, because we both owned the property, she continued to live there for a year until they sold their place and moved out. I came to ignore her as if she didn’t exist. Trust me, it became empowering. She had to run into me on an almost daily basis. She was like a prisoner in her own home trying to avoid me. Silence can be much more powerful than words.

Over and Out
Over and Out
7 years ago

When I had the “joy” of being in close proximity to my ex’s brand new wife for the first time at our son’s high school graduation, she was very nervous. She even took me aside and admitted to me privately that she was jealous of me – said I was so beautiful and she was afraid that if I ever decided I wanted my ex back that he would leave her! I literally laughed at that thought and told her she had absolutely NOTHING to worry about as far as me ever wanting him back! I think I reactively gave her a hug, too! She then thanked me for easing her mind and for being nice and said she hoped we could be friends. I told her if it hadn’t been for her being with my ex perhaps so, but not possible under the circumstances. I then smiled, wished her luck, and said goodbye.

I don’t know if she was an AP before I filed, but he certainly wasted no time finding her as a replacement for me during our divorce. She was at just about every school function my son had… I sat as far away as possible from them. I avoided him like the plague and did not want to meet her.

I actually felt pity for her when we finally did meet because I think my ex hoodwinked her. She seemed meek. (I know, too, that ex’s m.o was to tell other women how he was trapped in a loveless marriage… yada yada yada. I’m sure she was surprised, too, that I wasn’t the heartless bitch my ex probably said I was.) Had she been full of attitude towards me when me met, my response would have been “It must suck to be you!”. I think that even now because I KNOW how my ex is, but I don’t say it to her because she is not rude and is very nice to my kids — for that alone I am grateful.

She suggested the “let’s be friends” thing a time or two again over the years when there’s been an occasion we both attend, but I have zero interest. She once told me that my ex-sisters-in-law always have good things to say about me and that we should plan a “girls weekend” for all of us to get together… (Oh.Hell.No!!!)

She’s still nervous around me to this day and babbles on about things I don’t care about and showers me with compliments. It’s strange. I just smile, give a short, perfunctory response and let her sweat. I’m SOOO happy my ex is no longer my problem!!!

KB22
KB22
7 years ago
Reply to  Over and Out

I’m glad she is good to your kids and that is important. Also, she may be authentic and just want to be friends to make future events and holidays involving the kids pleasant and not so divisive. This is a possibility. Another possibility is your ex is disengaging from her, she is in a panic and thinks if she clings to his family (plus his ex wife) he won’t leave her. If this is the case she more than likely was involved with him while he was still married to you and is fully aware he is capable of discarding her like yesterday’s trash.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Over and Out

Goodness, the chutzpah! “Sure, let’s just all have a slumber party together and paint each other’s nails!!” Clueless.

Over and Out
Over and Out
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Clueless is right!

little red riding hood
little red riding hood
7 years ago

I have never met the young drug addict. I am sure they are both hustling each other to meet each others needs.
She will use sex, youth and beauty for finiacial security and he will pay just enough, to use her sex, youth and beauty.
Like 2 snakes in a pit.
I will continue to carry myself with grace and dignity and wouldnt interact with either one of the drug addict freaks.
It will be interesting to see which one will be seeing karma first.
The old geezer who sacrificed his family for young drug addict and may get out hustled, chewed up and spit out. Or…
The young drug addict who will spend her youth and beauty and sacrifice her whole being for material things givin by a hustling sociopath.
I am sure he is trying to make a whore into a housewife because he needs a beard to fit into society.
I thank god everyday she won the boobie prize, i no longer have to be a beard for his disgusting life.
I no longer have to jump thru hoops for him or his martha stewart wanna be mother. ( she must love having this new chick in her plastic covered house..
…..count the prescripitions and check the silverware when they leave) lmao.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago

Isn’t it amazing how chump lady knows just the column we need sometimes?
I’ve run into the schmoopie a few times, she won’t let my ex out of her sight so she knows with whom she’s dealing.
There were a couple times that she showed up at a school event that she was requested not to attend and I was so caught off guard , it was written all over my face. I hate that, you could see the smirk on her face…..infuriating.
Just yesterday I got a call from the ex re the last taxes we have to do together. I haven’t seen him in over a year and he asked if we could just be mature and go to the appointment together. I opened my mouth and what came out was ” I’m totally mature enough to handle it. Unfortunately your girlfriend is too insecure to let you out of her sight and I don’t need her drama, I just want to do my damn taxes.” Ya’ll want to know what he said??? ” Mary, you have to quit being so obsessed with her and I.”
Huh????????
I don’t know about anybody else, but no matter what I say he finds a way to spin it about how I must still be in love with him and how I’m “obsessed”.
I’m doing my part of the taxes alone. I am obsessed…..with getting him the fuck out of my life for good.
After the house refi he will see how “obsessed” I am. #blocked.
Motherfucker.

Wormfree2017
Wormfree2017
7 years ago

It’s funny, if you look at pictures of The Worm’s Pookie before their affair, she looks attractive…..now a bit disheveled, older, and gaining weight. Hmmm..
Don’t worry, I’m not stalking her. She’s in public service and her picture shows up here and there in the news.
I have the urge to ask her why she hasn’t taken him off my hands yet. For God’s sake woman, ride off into the sunset with him so he’ll stop whining to me and trying to win me back!
I’m guessing she doesn’t know he’s been served.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago

For the first blurry, tear-stained face, nauseous year… I hated the OW. I wrote novels to her in email (never sent) and late a night when I couldn’t sleep, I’d imagine conversations with her. Putting all the blame on HER.

One time, she showed up at my son’s sport event (I was given 20 minutes notice that Mr. Sparkles “would not be coming alone”) and I walked up to her, introduced myself and said that I thought it was highly inappropriate for her to be there so I was leaving. Mr. Sparkles followed me out while she scampered away through a side door.

But, a little over two years out now, and the divorce final, and they are no longer together, I think of her and all the envy I felt… the jealousy about the weekend getaways, the music festivals, ski trips, she spent holidays with my kids and just every day things that she usurped from me (and my kids)… and I realize that it really was never about her… and every day I wasted thinking that it was kept me from healing.

She recently reached out to me by email to apologize. (Weird, right?) And she shared with me all the mindfucking, gaslighting lies he told her. And, boy, were there some doozies. He love-bombed her, triangulated us for over a year (until I filed), and he kept his online profiles going strong on very creepy sites the whole time. HE. NEVER. CHANGED.

She didn’t “win” anything. She lived my horror story for two years. And now, she’s a “newbie” trying to sort it all out.

She ignored red flags – just like I did. She trusted she was being told the truth – just like I did. She believed everything he said, until one day she didn’t – just like I did.

I think part of getting through this whole nightmare is truly realizing that on some level, the AP did you a HUGE FAVOR. Your spouse was and is character deficient. You, on any given day, deserve better than that (and so do your kids).

Just let go. You can’t get to Meh with more than a carry-on bag. Focus on your kids, on building your future… that is the only way you “win”.

Rock on Chump Nation… I’d be lost with you all.

KB22
KB22
7 years ago

The difference between you and the OW is just that, you were never the OW. She was. I don’t care what line of BS your ex was feeding her, he was married, period. Anyone that is not a halfwit and over the age of 15 knows that married men seeking affairs always give a tale of woe. She never should attended your kid’s events even if she thought you really were Cruella Deville.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
7 years ago

“You can’t get to Meh with more than a carry-on bag” Definite mic drop for you ICanSeetheMehComing!

Quote of the year for sure!

chumpionsahm
chumpionsahm
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

Agree. Perfectly put. ❤️

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

I’m blushing 🙂

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
7 years ago

Before D-Day I had met Schmoopie 2.0 a couple of times (we had dinner at her house with her family before her STBX or I had any clue what was going on). I had never really liked her. I told myself it was because she was arrogant and condescending but really I think a part of me knew she was the one he was negatively comparing me to even if I didn’t know they were having an affair. He kept saying things like “Why did we sacrifice so much for your career”, “Why didn’t we have more kids”, “Why don’t you dress more fashionably” (I will be the first to admit I am fashionably challenged) and “Gosh your hair is poofy. You look like you have an afro”. Well, she was a housewife with five children who had good fashion sense and straight hair. No wonder I didn’t like her. After D-Day I have generally avoided her like the plague. I want nothing to do with her at all. If I run into her somewhere I will probably just act like I did not see her. She has never made any effort to contact me either.
Schmoopie 1.0 is an interesting story. I did not find out about her until much later. STBX used to be quite involved in my youngest’s cub scout troop. Last spring, however he pretty much stopped having anything to do with the cub scouts. In December I was at a cub scout outing. The kids were off spelunking and I went on a hike with one of the other Moms. STBX had recently moved out and was distancing himself from me more and more so I was feeling down and needing to talk about it with someone. I seemed to be getting along pretty well with the other mom. Thinking she was someone unlikely to encounter STBX I confided my marital troubles to her and mentioned that there was another woman involved and that he had moved out of our house. We continued congenially the rest of the day. The next day, STBX told me he had something to tell me. He admitted that Schmoopie 2.0 was not his first affair. By this time I had already been through the emotional wringer so it didn’t elicit much more than an eye roll and “of course there was another one”. So I asked “ok, who was she?” To which he replied “The woman you were confiding it yesterday”. Doh! Funny, I really didn’t harbor much resentment towards that one because by the time I found out she was already history. She doesn’t know he told me and I still see her a lot at cub scout stuff. I am still friendly, but I don’t confide to her about my personal life anymore.

cricket1114
cricket1114
7 years ago

My worst nightmare has come true! My ex has started bringing the OW with him when he picks up our kids. The first time she came, he decided it would be funny to bait me. As they were driving away, they stopped beside my car, rolled down the window and both smirked at me. I was bubbling with anger. I looked at her and said “You did me a favor”.

Onward_chump
Onward_chump
7 years ago
Reply to  cricket1114

This is excellent. Well done. My reaction would have been an epic fail. I would looked like Cujo behind the glass.

DavidB
DavidB
7 years ago

I actually want to meet the OM(s). I want to see how wonderful these guys must be to have been chosen to totally destroy 20 years of marriage.

Stacey
Stacey
7 years ago

I am “lucky” enough that my ex-husband’s APs didn’t know he was married and didn’t live in my town. So they were duped too.

Hooray?

Onward_chump
Onward_chump
7 years ago

I’m not sure if I took the high road or the low road, but I believe that there is power in the TRUTH. (The truth being, two elementary school teachers having sex in the teacher lounge. Twice daily). I’ve made it clear that I will share the truth every single time this piece of garbage dares to step into my circle. My circle of friends/family, my circle of grocery stores and malls, my circle of local parks, and so on. I’ve received calls from the OW’s friends begging me to stop. I’ve even been slapped with cease & desist letters, but I’m good. I’ve broken no laws. I’ve not laid a finger on anyone or anything. I’ve harassed no one. I just need to hear that she was spotted somewhere, and then I simply tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I’ve laid out these terms (regarding my circles) because I don’t want to experience the run-in. And even if that did happen, again, I would share the truth….so that everyone within a quarter mile would hear me! Let her f*ckin OWN IT!

notsurewhat2do
notsurewhat2do
7 years ago
Reply to  Onward_chump

Did they have consequences at work?

Are they still together?

I think that is a good strategy to keep her away from you.

TChump
TChump
7 years ago

My cheater won’t reveal his schmoopie. I learned of the affair via HPV positive pap. The deadly kind.
He keeps claiming he wants to wreckoncile but I tell him it’s never going to happen, especially if he won’t reveal any info about his affair, including the identity of OW. His excuse is that it’s none of my business because we were separated. (I kicked him out because it was obvious he was at the very least having an emotional affair…) He gladly left but claims the affair didn’t really start until long after we “separated”. He was gone a total of six months before crawling back home. Since then I found out he was LIVING with her. Yeah. Funny how someone who is married for 10 years, together for 16 can literally move out of his family home and within a month move into another woman’s home. But the affair started Long after we “separated”. Anyway. Not knowing who this woman is has taken a huge toll on my self esteem. I can’t leave the house without wondering if every semi attractive woman I see is her. She obviously knows who I am, so I literally feel like a walking fool having to show my face in public. I guess the jokes on me.

TChump
TChump
7 years ago
Reply to  TChump

For all who are unaware of my story, I was pregnant at the time he left. He returned six weeks postpartum. I didn’t know of the affair then although the timing (sex can resume six weeks pp) was exquisite.

Over and Out
Over and Out
7 years ago
Reply to  TChump

Hold your head up high, TChump! You aren’t a fool — your lying, cheating husband fits that bill. He doesn’t want you to know because he’s controlling the scenario and that’s enough information to be a deal-breaker for you.

Their ability to move on so quickly is a sure sign of their disorder.

(((Big hugs to you!)))

TChump
TChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Over and Out

Thanks O&O.
The hardest thing to accept is that his need to keep her identity hidden is paramount to my feelings of betrayal, and my need to process this incident with information. He is protecting her while I’m driving myself bat turd crazy. I feel like a consolation prize. I’m a SAHM and have no access to our finances, so I’m virtually trapped in this shitty marriage. Worst of all, our children are stuck with a dismissive father who won’t take accountability for anything and constantly blame shifts, and a mother who is irritable and always on edge. He won’t leave despite my pleas (funny how he had no problem leaving when I was pregnant) and I am going insane.

Over and Out
Over and Out
7 years ago
Reply to  TChump

When I found out my ex was a serial cheater (secret emails to other women), I didn’t know any of them. I, too, was a SAHM. He claimed he never had any physical contact. To me, the content of his emails were proof of enough of his intentions — it was not dialog between “just friends”. His lying and “emotional affairs” was the deal breaker for me. To this day, I don’t know if his current wife was an AP because I had no proof that he was in contact with her before I filed for divorce. Honestly, it doesn’t matter who the other women were. They are unimportant.

He and I had a family, a home, and he was good provider. He didn’t physically abuse me and I kept hoping he would “grow up”… He was, however, psychologically/verbally abusive to me. I walked on eggshells to maintain the peace and make sure our kids had a normal, happy life. D-Day was 20 years into our marriage.

Had I found out what he was doing behind my back when our kids were little, I would have hired a lawyer and divorced him then. There are resources/agencies for women who can provide information and help you get out of your situation. I contacted one myself.

Try not to focus on who the OW is, but rather hone your sleuthing skills at gathering as much financial documentation as you can when he is out of the house – names of banks, investment companies, insurance policies, retirement accounts, title to vehicles, deeds, credit cards, mortgage/loans, etc. Do not tell him what you are doing! Stay safe! Make an appointment with a lawyer – they often have free consultations. Recruit the help of a trusted family member. I know it’s scary and you feel helpless, but you will have to do something to free yourself. Your husband is content with the status quo as it is… He won’t do the right thing.

TChump
TChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Over and Out

I’m so sorry to hear you had 20 years of trust in a man who didn’t deserve it. My husband also isn’t physically abusive but psychologically. He claims I have an anger management problem but I’ve never felt this sort of anger with any other person in my life. He sits there and picks me apart until I react then blame shifts. I’m beside myself with this affair issue and he uses my anger for it against me. I own my anger and I feel justified in having it. But he somehow feels vindicated in his own actions when I express it.
I’m doing everything that you’ve mentioned. I hired a forensic accountant to verify all of our assets and credit card debt. I’m looking for a pt job so I can save some $$. I want this to be a smooth transition for the children and it’s going to take some time but it’s happening. Nonetheless, every moment with this creep causes me feelings of imprisonment and inadequacy.
Thank you for your insight. I’m so fortunate to have found this site.
Again I’m sorry for all you’ve been through.

Over and Out
Over and Out
7 years ago
Reply to  TChump

Their blame-shifting and manipulation is maddening… It takes time and determination to work through the mindfuck. I’m glad you are taking steps toward getting free!

I found this site a few years after my divorce. It is a godsend! My life is happy now. Good things will come to you too!!! xo

Crimson Comet
Crimson Comet
7 years ago

Perfect post for me today, as my kids have a school performance this evening. I’m assuming their dad (cheater ex) is coming.

For their previous performance, he brought his current gf, who was one of the final APs before we separated. He chose a spot for them to sit, out of the entire auditorium, three rows behind me!

At the end, I quickly got up and scooted over to an acquaintance, and chatted with her, totally ignoring the ex and gf. The kids told me later that she looked like she was having a panic attack the whole time. I just ignored them both.

Don’t know if she’ll come back again, but with my ex, one doesn’t have much choice. So glad I am liberated from him!

Sketchyokgirl
Sketchyokgirl
7 years ago
Reply to  Crimson Comet

I have a cheer banquet to attend tonight. Very timely. It’s at my place of employment so no drama from me (not that there would be) just a quick “hello ” if I get cornered. Nothing more nothing less. I’m just nervous. I’ve seen new girlfriend (not AP that I know of) in a large auditorium but this will be very intimate. This type of thing is such a blow to my confidence.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago

I’m hopeful not to ever run into either of them, but if I do and they speak to me first, I’m planning to either ask, “I’m sorry — do I know you?” or channel my inner Tom Hardy and merely grunt at them, perhaps with his trademark half-crazed “I just eviscerated a guy and I’m in a bit of a rush” look on my face:

https://youtu.be/y5X3gLwvrRI

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5X3gLwvrRI&w=560&h=315%5D

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

That’s great, NWB.

I’m thinking of this reaction:
laughing

Roberta
Roberta
7 years ago

I had the opportunity to confront Miss All That. I had tracked my then husband to a Marriott in a small southern town. It was halfway between our home and her home in Florida. I was only one week out from DDay. At three o’clock in the morning I pulled into the well hidden hotel parking lot, looked up at a second floor balcony where Schmoopie and cheater were outside smoking. She was in, get this, a white negligee! She ran into the hotel room like her ass was on fire. All of a sudden my cell phone rings and it’s cheatrpants asking me why I’m in the parking lot. Really?? I had been blowing his phone up earlier and he never answered. I asked him if he was alone and he lied saying he was! Astounding! I told him he and Schmoopie should get dressed and I would wait for them to come down so we could talk face to face. He ended up coming down, but she hid in the room. I told him to go get his trash and get home. He thought I was going to get into my car, but I shadowed him into the lobby. Once we got to the hotel room door Schmoopie opens it after he knocked several times and greets me like I’m an old friend. I screamed my ass off at this whore while she calmly told me, “we’re just friends.” I told her I wish I could fuck my Facebook friends too, but I know as a married woman that it’s wrong! Then she proceeds to pack calmly and tell me she is divorced. I told her she was a liar. She never broke a sweat! Then the lightbulb went on in my brain! She’s a sociopath! Nothing bothers them. She acted as if she did this every weekend and had been caught before! She wasn’t one bit ruffled! I did tell her that if I caught her after warning her to stay away that serious harm would come to her. She did do a better job of hiding from me after that, but she was not deterred. If I ever had to see her again I wouldn’t waste my time even acknowledging this psycho. Obviously she doesn’t even value herself! So pathetic!

CeliA
CeliA
7 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

They were lucky, you didn’t have a baseball bat! 😛

Bunch of sick fucks.

Lady B
Lady B
7 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Holy crap what awesomeness you displayed.
They are all broken

zyx321
zyx321
7 years ago

I was “fortunate” that the AP (now OWife) did not live locally, so I did/do not have to run into her. I found out after the fact that STBX brought her to our workplace and showed her around– that ticked me off, at least demonstrate professional respect (I know, I know…). Sure looking forward to graduations. Youngest is promoted from middle school this year, wonder if he/they will come.

Ex forced me to meet OWife at a kid exchange far from home– I arranged holiday vacation near ex since he said he could not get time off to see the kids (once a chump, always a chump… not no more, after this!). I dreaded the meeting as it was less than a year post divorce, OWife is more than 10 years younger than me, etc. And it was a pointless meeting. They drove two cars, but both drove two hours out of their way to drop of youngest with me.
Forced meeting: I planned it–I was retrieving youngest, so I gave kid a hug and grabbed the bags and things. OWife said “Nice to meet you” and tried to shake my hand– but my hands were full! I simply gave a small smile and said hello. No way in hell I was going to shake the hand of someone who cheated on her husband with someone she knew was married with kids.

At the same exchange, eldest did not want to see my ex/her father or the OWife, but wanted to see her half sibling, a toddler at the time. OWife’s sibling was there, as was my youngest– either could have taken the toddler to see my eldest who was in a nearby park. But no. Ex said “If __ won’t see me, __ cannot see half sibling.” Oh, if only my youngest had not still been standing there– I would have said to OWife “look at what you married.” As it was, I simply said “really?” shook my head, and walked away.
For the newbies on the site who do not know my story– eldest had attempted suicide just 6 weeks prior to this incident.

At one point eldest (when still speaking to ex/OWife) told me the OWife wished she could talk to me.
Nothing to talk about lady. The incident above (refusing to permit access to half sibling) is what FINALLY got me to see the ex for who he is. I know you would think all the other actions would do it, but it takes the heart and brain time to meet.

For all those dreading meeting the APs. I know it is tough not to compare, but stand tall. We here at Chump Nation have no reason for embarrassment, etc. The cheaters and the OW/OM are the pathetic ones.

ChumpAsItIs
ChumpAsItIs
7 years ago

I don’t have fantasies of running into OW. She was one of my best friends for almost 20 years and I loved her. Of course I did not know that in the last four years she was having an affair with my husband.
If I ever meet her again I think it will be just like seeing a ghost, someone that just does not exist anymore. I think I wouldn’t have a single word to say.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  ChumpAsItIs

The best-friend-APs are pondscum. Awful. I’m so sorry, Chumpasitis.

ChumpAsItIs
ChumpAsItIs
7 years ago
Reply to  ChumpAsItIs

Hi Aeronaut, thanks for the post.
Yes I have real friends and a fantastic family and I am thankful for that.
Hugs back!

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
7 years ago
Reply to  ChumpAsItIs

ChumpAsItIs,

So you lost not only a spouse, but a best friend. Rough. I hope you have a circle of real friends that can help you rebuild.

Hugs. Peace.
aeronaut

NoMoreEggShells
NoMoreEggShells
7 years ago

1st affair was 10 years ago, 2nd was 2016. My guy was a narc and always talked down to me and the kids, for 20+ years, I stayed for the kids (idiot I know). Anyhow, we were at a local chain restaurant at the bar for lunch and I hear this voice (it was like nails on a chalkboard), it was AP from 10 years ago. She looks over and is like oh Hi guys! I half smiled and said Hi. She tried chatting and I had one word answers. I just wanted to be polite in front of strangers. We get in the car and my guy says to me that I was kind of rude. I looked at him and said, “We aren’t friends!” Like WTF…are you kidding me!!! Well turns out a few months later I found out about AP #2. Guess he REALLY never cared for my feelings. (And yes after AP #1 and we stayed together- he did say he wanted to be friends with her (another WTF moment) but I told him otherwise)…. UN FUCKING REAL