Leave a Cheater Book, Gains a New Life
The Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life book and audiobook are being reissued. And a member of Chump Nation spreads the gain-a-life message with her license plate.
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I felt so honored when Chump Nation member, Mr. Wonderful’s Ex sent me a picture of her new license plate — LACGAL — the acronym for “leave a cheater, gain a life” — our credo here. I hope she gets some honks of solidarity! And I’m only sorry I didn’t think of this vanity plate first.
I thought this bit of Chump Nation promotion was a good lead in to tell you that I’m working on the reissue of my first book.
Leave a Cheater, the bastard child of genres.
When I wrote the Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life, over a decade ago, all I knew was that the marketplace of ideas around infidelity needed a correction. When I went through it everything assumed reconciliation. In fact, the best-selling title at the time was Anne Bercht’s “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me.” Yes, the BEST THING. Better than puppies, sex, and ice cream. The best!
In my book, I liken this idea to shooting off your kneecaps improves your tennis game. It’s complete Orwellian bullshit to think that the abuse of infidelity and the shattering of trust improves relationships. I think the point they’re trying to make is that a crisis can bring people closer, yet glossing over the fact that only one person is deliberately, and with aforethought, creating the crisis.
But, from the Reconciliation Industrial Complex standpoint, cheaters are driven to affairs by something lacking in chumps, who were not meeting their needs.
Where was the ‘leave a jerk, you’ll feel a lot better’ message?
I wrote it. First, I started the blog, and then I wrote the book. This blog was my first indication that betrayed people were hungry for a new narrative that didn’t blame them for their partners’ double lives. So, I tested the market by self-publishing. When that book went #1 on Amazon in divorce (and stayed there for days), I was at a writer’s conference in Austin, Texas. Mr. CL texted me a screenshot.
The blog was only a couple years old. It didn’t have the traffic then that it has now. But that platform and those sales were enough to convince an agent to sign me. Ironically, she signed me because she was a cartoonist’s agent and she liked the artwork, and because it was a bastard child of genres. Self-help, but snarky. Real advice, but not dry. But essentially, LACGAL owes its existence to my ability to draw unicorns.
The irony part is that Parul Sehgal of the New Yorker would later dismiss me as just a “cartoonist.” A silly person with a silly vocabulary putting subversive ideas inside Sarah Manguso’s head that infidelity was abuse. Stick to the doodles, kid. Leave the big ideas to the professionals.
Yeah, no.
Hachette published the book in 2016 and it’s continued to sell.
So much so that they approached me about reissuing it for its 10th anniversary next year. I out-earned my advance years ago. Which makes me a rarity among authors. Even more so that I have a “back list” that continues to sell strongly.
This is all thanks to you, Chump Nation. The marketplace speaks, and you spoke.
So, what’s in the new edition?
I’m writing a new introduction, looking back over a decade-plus since I started this community, what I’ve learned from you all, this giant data set of chump experience. And I’m also adding a new chapter that looks at the intersection of monogamy, polyamory, and cheating. I think open marriage is a red herring, because cheating isn’t a monogamy problem, it’s an entitlement problem. Cheaters will cheat on any arrangement. How many partners you have and in what order is beside the point. But essentially, you’ll have some talking points if people blame your chump status on a lack of sexual sophistication. (Oh, really what did you expect, Pollyanna!)
Also, I will be recording my audiobook.
For me, this is the driving force behind the redo. I know many of you love the audio book, but I’ve never been able to make it through 5 minutes of it. In my head, I imagine it in my voice, and it’s discordant to hear another voice. Nothing against the narrator, but I’m really excited to read my book. I didn’t get the opportunity to do it the first time. I was given a choice of two voice actors and was allowed to ask them say one thing and choose.
I asked them to say “fuck.” Laura Copeland won.
Now I get to drop the F bombs. Curious what you’ll all think. (Bring back the dulcet tones of Laura! is what I imagine you’ll say.)
Right now all of this is slated to happen in September 2026. The book and the audio book will come out at the same time. As soon as it’s available for pre-order, I’ll let you know.
I have no idea what sort of marketing will go along with this relaunch, but I intend to do a book tour and travel. And it would be neat to see you guys.
Tracy, we need a Friday challenge!
Tell me about your experience with the book, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.
Did it help? Did you tattoo LACGAL on your thigh? Do you have a vanity plate?
Tracy, this is shameless promotion. Stop it.
Okay, just your real opinions please. Did you leave it out for your cheaters to find? Worse, did you send it to them?
No, I sent it to Schmoopie.
Don’t do that. Okay, maybe. I do need the royalties.
TGIF!
This is such awesome news! Love the idea about the addition of open marriage, polyamory, etc. For many of us. we were offered that BS option in our marriages, only it was after the cheating discovery 🙄Can’t wait to read it.
I don’t remember how I came across LACGAL but I stayed up all night and read it. Then my mum bought a copy and she stayed up all night and read it so she could understand what happened to me. We also read about narcissistic abuse, given that’s what my psychologist told me I’d experienced. But LACGAL gave us a new language and ways of talking about the FW that resonated and added a sense of humour that we desperately needed. My mum still talks about kibbles and sometimes reminds me, “you were a good toaster wife.” 😂 She reminds me he stepped over my heaving body to go and make a Pop Tarts Mum hasn’t remembered all the references exactly right- but she has the main idea!
Recently we were going through her old books and we found her copy of LACGAL. She had taken notes and had several dog-eared pages. My beautiful mother had studied it hard so that she could help me survive. LACGAL was our lifeline. We put the book in the free book exchange box on the corner in hopes that someone in need found it. I look forward to buying the next version and one for mum too 💕
Most adorable story ever. <3
Awwwww how sweet that your mom used the book to learn what was happening and how to help you. That is sweet.
In contrast, I never told my mom a single thing about my abuse or cheating. About 3 years into my Chump experience, mom banished me and didnt speak to me for 5 years. I loved the peace and quiet of her not speaking to me. They eventually wanted to see their grandkids again so I got sucked back in. I still never told either of my parents anything of it. They both died in 2024.
Im sorry. Thats painful not to have their support. Their loss for not being there and connected to you 💕
You gifted me an autographed copy of your book when you chose me as a winner of your annual Valentines Day contest. To this day, I continue to read this book when I get triggered or sad. In my deepest despair all those years ago, when I struggled to just live, you gave me the bitch slap I needed to pull myself together and create a new life for myself. I will be forever grateful to you and CN, Tracy.
How lucky was I that my DDay coincided with the publication of LACGAL!?!? It was the first book I bought and remains in my nightstand to this day. I devoured your writing, took every word to heart and went to work on my divorce. I have given away dozens of copies since.
I needed the 2x4s, the snark, the raw language and the truth of what you wrote. The book was supported by your daily posts and the comments, along with the (pre-Facebook) group. It was all my salvation.
A book and tribe that fully understood my emotions – the crushing hurt over gaslighting, the unbearable pain of the lies, the heartbreaking quest for the truth of what I thought was my life. No one else understood what it was like to face that brick wall of an affair. No one else knew how to guide me away from butting my head against that brick wall over and over and explain I could just choose to go around the wall and gain a life that was brick-free.
Your book saved my life. When I had to be hospitalized because I was at risk of taking my life, I took your book with me. It sustained me every step of my journey back to sanity. Thankfully, I no longer need the book. I have gained that life one painful step at a time. But LACGAL, Chump Lady and this community will always be part of me. I am so grateful.
Cannot wait for the book tour and supporting you every step of the way as you change the narrative and save lives. Patreon has allowed us to support you, along with ads, and I encourage anyone who has gained anything from CL to become a Patreon supporter.
CL rocks ❤️
Two books really helped me deal with what Ex-Mrs LFTT put me and our kids through; LACGAL and “The Sociopath Next Door” by Dr Martha Stout.
I came across LACGAL having blundered into CL’s Blog quite by chance, and found that it gave me (for the first time), a sense of “community,” a viable framework to understand what I was dealing with, a language to help me articulate the impact that it was having and (perhaps most importantly), it validated my lived experience as a Chump …. and all written in a tone (AKA “Snark”) that really spoke to me.
I came across the second book (“The Sociopath Next Door”) on the recommendation of a member of CN in a post that she made here (and my thanks to whomever it was that pointed me in Dr Martha Stout’s direction). It was an eyeopener for me (and for my two daughters, who have also both read it now), because it helped me understand “who” I was dealing with and that I was justified in maintaining – post-divorce – the very strong boundaries that I have put in place.
And to answer the question “Did LACGAL help?” the answer is “Why yes, yes it did …. a lot.”
LFTT
Ooh I can’t wait to read Dr. Stout’s book! Thank you.
Yes, Dr. Martha Stout also helped me. The therapist who diagnosed my ex with NPD/BPD and told me, concerned about my safety, also said there was very likely also sociopathy in there. She recommended the Martha Stout book. This therapist had been seeing him off-and-on for over a decade and saw him multiple times a week after a significant break before he quit. She also advised me at several points during my divorce, recommending a settlement requiring no ongoing contact (the kids were in college) and not allowing anything but divorce business post-divorce. My older attorney agreed, based on his more than 40 years of experience.
Just so glad my ex is in my rearview mirror. He found other supply and hasn’t contacted us in some years now and likely won’t, from what another therapist indicated. That therapist worked at the state mental hospital for over a decade and then became a pastor, continuing his therapy practice.
Sadly I didn’t come across LACGAL and Chump Nation until after I was fully done with my divorce. But it still helped me to heal and understand more. And I recommend it to so many that I hope I have brought you a small percentage of your success lol. Your book is awesome. And I look forward to hearing the new Tracy-version audio release!
As for the swearing, I know not everyone loves it, but to me I needed to hear a lot of f***s to get through the pain. So bring it!
I recommend an audio version read by Mr. Chump Lady….for those who desire a sultry, Southern accent.
Well, he can certainly swear better than I can.
I remember not wanting to order any books because the family Amazon account was under his name, so I made it to Barnes & Noble. After briefly reading in store some trash book about affair stories, I found LACGAL and bought it. The book along with this blog tremendously helped me during my divorce and presently. I gave my copy years ago to a friend’s sister who had a newly chumped coworker. I will definitely buy more and think it’s a great idea to leave them in free libraries sprinkled around various places.
I had the same issue, as my then husband and I shared an Amazon account.
So I went to the local Barnes and Noble and special ordered it because they didn’t stock it. I paid for 2 copies in cash since he also controlled our joint bank and credit card accounts. Then I brought a copy to the public library It’s the ONLY brand new book I have donated to any library. The message needs to get out there far and wide!
Many congratulations, CL, from a location near London. You also helped to save my life 6 years ago when I was a, let’s say ‘beautiful ugly mess’. I have made it my mission to recommend your book and this website every time I read a crazy article in the Guardian applauding the merits of affairs (more often that I would like). And to any of my friends, colleagues, and acquaintances starting the long walk (again more often than I would like). As with insurance, but in a much nicer way, I wish you could retire because there was no call for your expertise, which, like insurance, tends to be a distress purchase. Never going to happen!
My up-to-then best friend and her husband, cheater’s best friend, took in cheater after he assaulted me and tween (his retaliation for discovery). At some point, I made it to a book store, looking for resources on contentious divorces. Luckily for me, Tracy’s book was on the shelves, and I bought it. That book, and the blog, became my new best friend, offering ongoing support, advice and insights.
Mr. Wonderful’s Ex had the right idea with that license plate. Last week I saw one that read “Luv-sick” and my first reaction was to feel sorry for the owner.
Tracy, congratulations on the new edition, audiobook, and your many other accomplishments.
Chump Nation, please give it reviews on multiple sites, so it goes to the top of the list for other chumps seeking advice.
I goooooogled something within the first few days. Not sure what the exact phrase was, but the blog came up on the first page. I never intersected with the RIC ideas, thankfully. I started reading the blog right away and ordered the book within the first week. Ex came home (before I moved out) once and saw the book (that was not my intention). He tried to discredit you Tracy, blah blah. I ignored his rantings. (Blame the victim, blame the book author, seems consistent..)
The book, the blog, the new podcast, therapy and my self care routine made it possible for me to survive, I am sure.
Looking forward to the new print & audio editions!
Wonderful news! I keep a copy on my shelf to give away and will eagerly anticipate the new version.
I found ChumpLady post-divorce. The bulk of the drama was over, and the pandemic hit, so I had lots of time to read and listen to podcasts and YouTube. Out of everything, the book and this site helped me the most in confirming what I already knew, and that I had a lot to be thankful for in finally getting to the judge’s sign-off. My ex tried to shame me in closeout via email and throw a wrench into everything, but I had the mental space not to let it get me down. My legal team was relentless, and I even interacted with my ex via email, finding his antics hilarious at the time. Bill Eddy’s BIFF method helped.
I’m still here because I do some advocacy for women through an informal network of people who help. And it reminds me of why the marriage had to end.
How do chumps get the book on the shelves of public libraries?
Most libraries have a form where you can request a book be added to the collection! I just noticed my library only has the physical book and audiobook, so I put in a request for the ebook.
Donate copies!!!
Ohhhh I gave a copy to my divorce attorney as she was chumped during my divorce process, by her then boyfriend. Unbelievable
Whoop whoop! Congratulations on the new book Tracy! LACGAL was recommended by Rosie Green in her book, ‘How to heal a broken heart’. I listened to the audio version on repeat night after night in the months after D-Day, which was 4 years ago today, 3rd October 2021. I am thrilled to hear that you are going to read the new audio version.
I have recommended your book to others and also to my brilliant therapist, who has also recommended it to her clients. (She loved your description of the ‘Reconciliation Industrial Complex!’)
I met you and Mr CL when you came to London in 2023 and, I can confirm to all of CN, that they are both as fabulous as you can imagine. I do hope you will come to the UK on your book tour next year.
Today, on the 4th anniversary of my D-Day after a 30-year marriage, I have had my offer accepted on a new home. I will be moving to live near my sister and her family and will be living on the coast, something I have always dreamed of doing. I am re-framing the 3rd October as ‘buying my new home day’, which is something I never thought possible. I am also going to get a dog once I’ve moved!
Tracy, you, your book, your blog and the wonderful community of CN, here and on Reddit, have been a huge source of comfort and humour to me in the journey from heartbreak to a new life. I couldn’t have done it without you all. Thank you.
I think a vanity plate is in my future! LACGAL was like listening to a nonsensical aunt or grandma give advice so you can see the forest for the trees rather than the intellectual verbiage & ideological flavour of the moment of a therapist who assigns equal blame to everyone, and thus grinds your brain down into accepting unfairness & abuse. However, reading it in a book rather than listening to your mom or aunt or grandma seems to legitimize (and reinforce) your gut feeling that your spouse cheating on you IS actually abusive (and a mindfuck). I hope the new edition of LACGAL reaches a whole new audience of readers!
I ordered the book to my parents house and it took two weeks until I could get there and pick it up. My parents had already read most of it and bookmarked numerous pages. I still pick up it up when the tsunami of emotions start to over take me. The book and this blog has helped so much. Thank you CL! Could I give one piece of feedback? I think it would be helpful to recommend to chumps to write down in their phone or a diary all the BS the FW says. This was super helpful for me to keep track of the gaslighting before I took your most excellent advice of no contact. And I can come back to it as my sh**list if I start to idealise old times. Will your publisher translate the book to other languages? My FW isolated me in Germany, and there are many poor chumps here who need this advice. Unfortunately not all the chumps I meet here have good enough English to understand kibbles or spackle. Sad sausage is very clear and UBT would enjoy the Lebkuchen selection. Thank you!
This thing of parents reading books in support of adult children warms my heart. My mother read and sent me books that she thought might be relevant to my life as well. It’s a beautiful form of loyalty.
Ooh! I can see a phone App for LACGAL. Enter your feelings and it pulls up section from the book. A phone dialer that makes you listen to a recitation of the FW’s outrageous actions before you call or text them. The ability to put stick pins into a virtual Voodoo doll of the FW. A playback of inspirational stories from other chumps. You get it.
Love this idea!
Yes, I kept a running journal on my phone notes of all the mean dehumanizing, devaluing things both xs did and said so when my memory gets weak, I can read for myself. Like when I asked my then #2 to move out and give me space to decide few days after D day..ne DEVISTATED….his first words were…but WHERE WILL I PARK MY MOTORCYCLE?? Like that…
I’ve asked about foreign rights and i don’t have an answer yet. It’s another set of rights to sell. The book is one set of rights, audio another, foreign editions yet another. It’s up to the publisher.
Congrats on the re-issue! I read it after having already read most of the blog archives, so it served to reinforce what I had already learned from the blog. I have recommended LACGAL and this blog to many people, as well as Cheating in a Nutshell, another excellent book which tells the truth about cheating. These are the only two books on infidelity that I know of which aren’t full of RIC nonsense.
I got it with the book Cheating in a Nutshell after Tracy, it connected any loose Dots. I appreciated much later the youtubes by Shaneen Medgi for a biblical hot poke in the eye to those of us who excuse abuse and cheating, and call it the making of a saint, when it is really .more like feeding the devil. Once you read this book LACGAL you never see cheating the same again. Never
Chills went down my spine as I read this blog and the LACGAL book. My jaw dropping and just couldn’t stop reading because suddenly things were making sense!
Reading here, it was as if an unseen spirit had been in my home and my head recording my life with all the FW minf**kery.
It’s one of THE most important life changing books I’ve ever read in my life and I’m an avid reader.
Congratulations to Tracy! I’ll be proudly buying a new copy
I was in the bookstore searching the shelves for more divorce content when I saw your book. I flipped to the table of contents and saw the chapter title “The Unending Punishment of Breeding With A Fuckwit.” I burst out laughing and started reading some parts of the book. I knew right away that this book was different from everything I had read so I bought it. I read and then reread it multiple times in the next day or so. It was the first book I had come across that completely made sense! There were too many A-Ha! moments to count (unlike with other divorce books). It decoded the meaning of my husband’s absurd excuses. Your book spoke directly to me and helped me more than I can say. The concept of the “timid forest creature” especially resonated with me because that is how my husband acted even though he was a very strong, high-profile leader who was never intimidated by anything. Yet, he claimed he didn’t tell me of the affair because he “couldn’t trust” me?! He was afraid? Give me a break. Your mindfuck blender cartoon was so accurate. You cut through the BS and your book helped clear my mental fog and confusion. That fog was there partly because other books excusing his behavior and blaming me just didn’t apply to my situation no matter how I tried to make their advice make sense. I was a genuinely devoted and loving wife who always put his needs first. What more could I have done? It just never made sense that my “inadequacies” forced him to cheat (by the way his complaints about me were that I always left the car radio on the news channel after I used the car, and I didn’t clear the microwave timer after using it. These are things I changed to make him happy but did it stop him from cheating? No! Because my “inadequacies” did not force him to lead a double life in the first place.).
Your book is the best! Thank you a million times over for writing it and sending sanity into the world.
P.S. I came across your website during “wreckonciliation” and immediately dismissed it because I thought “That sounds bitter and doesn’t apply to my situation. My husband loves me and cherishes the family we built and would never cheat again.” Yeah, right. Once I filed for divorce, he went scorched earth on me. I came across your book and since I loved it so much, I tried your website again. I had finally put down the spackle so I saw that the website 100% applied to me. I have been coming here daily for years and it has helped me so much. Thank you!
I found this book through a recommendation via a Reddit comment. My mother had encouraged me to look for online support groups, about two weeks after I discovered my partner’s affair, and I stumbled on this title. I couldn’t find it at any library, so I bought it (I NEVER buy books, and I read A LOT), so it was a big deal.
I proceeded to devour it, both the physical copy and the audiobook, multiple times. And it was a turning point for me.
My D-Day happened during what I thought was the happiest time of my life. 2 years prior, we had just bought our dream house (okay, I bought it, he helped quality for the mortgage), and had our daughter. Our daughter was born prematurely and spent her first 74 days in the hospital, but now she was a thriving 2 year old. We had just gone on a vacation to Mexico, and were planning to try for another child in September. Life was good! Sure, my partner was depressed, sick all the time, had a chronic health condition, extremely busy with work, and “always tired” no matter how much sleep he got. But I had just gotten a raise so we could get a house cleaner, since he was in too much pain to help me. Now we could afford date nights, and I would have time to help him by focusing on relieving the symptoms of his chronic condition. I was waiting up for him the night of D-Day (he called me before coming home “wait up, let’s have sex!”, “okay! I’ll wait!”).
Imagine my surprise when I discovered my partner (who I thought was my best friend, confidant, biggest supporter, my rock) had a girlfriend, and had been living a double life for who knows how long. After discovery, the mask fell, and the cruelty began.
Before LACGAL, I internalized his blameshifting, I criticized myself, and I thought this was fixable (I was fixable — I knew I was lovable goddamit, I could make him see that, couldn’t I? He had lovd me so much! Just yesterday. Right?!).
After LACGAL (and many more discoveries), it gave me the perspective that there is nothing anyone could do to me to make me treat someone the way my partner purposefully treated me. CL always says “you can’t make anyone do anything”, we do not have that power. But it’s a hard concept to grasp.
LACGAL was the anti-dote to the poison that my partner had been subtly feeding me, and it helped shift my mindset from losing my life to gaining a new one.
I am almost 5 months out from D-Day now, in the process of separating and practicing radical acceptance. This book helped give me the courage to begin the separation process one month after D-Day. I still struggle to grasp the reality of how poorly he treated me, given how many of my most precious gifts (time, youth, child bearing, energy, joy, love, intimacy) I gave him. That he could do this to his baby daughter, the child HE wanted (I was on the fence about children, but wow am I glad I became a mom, despite all of this). That he is capable of lying to my face while his knife is in my back to the hilt. That he enjoyed living a double life (I’m the happiest I’ve ever been he’d say).
I trust that he sucks, but it is still hard to digest. I can’t wait until Tuesdsay!!! Until then, thank you to CN, and to CL for the validation and recognition of the abuse that was done to us.
“I’m the happiest I’ve ever been he’d say”
Wow, I got the exact same quote from my FW, but thankfully he said that after D-Day. I was not confused by his statement, as he made it abundantly clear that he meant “I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life – with my new fiancee.” My husband had a fiancee. Interesting….
You are in early days naturerocks, but it sound like you are progressing just fine. Keep up the good fight!
Thanks Best Thing, I’m following in the footsteps of all the brave chumps here.
A hilarious and delusional twist is that 2 weeks after D-Day, my STBX’s “girlfriend” got married. So now he has a girlfriend that is married…. I think they are perfect for each other and I couldn’t be more grateful to her for taking him off my hands.
What if the mistress’ new husband were to find out about her affair? “Nice and shiny new marriage you’ve got there. What a shame if something were to happen to it.” Not that I’m advising you to do or say anything…. 🙂
By which I mean, someone should tell the groom-chump, but maybe not you
Absolutely, agreed, it’s in the cards, it’s just the timing needs to be strategic, and he’s tricky to find. But I realized I said soon to be ex but he is definitely my ex, we are just not separated financially and legally yet, he’s dragging his feet but close. I need to focus my energy on protecting my daughter’s future right now and being as present as I can be while processing the complexity of all the grief and all the wonderful chores involved with the separation process and paying lawyers the money I was saving for my daughters future. Ugh, shit sandwich indeed.
I found the blog first, after DDay #1 when I was starting to understand his emotional abuse of me. After separating upon DDay #2, I bought the book.
It was JUST what I needed to finally get out of separation/wreckonciliation limbo and file for divorce.
Your razor-sharp insights are such an incredible service to chumps everywhere, even to the whole world!
My Dday was 20 years ago, so I didnt get the benefit of LACGAL in real time, but Im glad that most of you did.
I horrifyingly admit that during a delusional moment in my wreckconsillyation, I left a post here (the blog was very new) explaining that I was a unicorn and saved my marriage – hence my name…I learned after he died that he had been a serial cheat on top of his global meanness.
The huge gift I have received is a community that will help me process when I need to. The really big influence the CL philosophy had on me is to finally break through a very thick wall of spackling and hopium to finally get through to me that I needed to Trust That He Sucked .
I swirled around for literal years not able to understand why he did this or said that because none of it made any sense when looked at as a whole. I still harbored a belief that at his core was a decent human that cared at least a little. Finally, the only thing that finally made sense is that he REALLY was THAT bad. He did suck and he didnt care about me. The end.
My older attorney convinced me that my ex was THAT bad. Then my STBX’s attorney chimed in that his client was THAT bad, even calling him “the worst client ever,” “my delusional client,” and “my morally reprehensible client.”
The “old guy” attorneys (as mine called them) gave me closure.
There is no such thing as “shameless promotion” when what you’re ‘selling’ is real medicine.
I stockpile copies of LACGAL that I find on sale or used (a rarity, actually – it seems that most people hang on to their copies for dear life) and hand them out to anyone who seems to need one. My daughter has delivered them to friends whose mom may be in a situation.
Something to consider: when you plan your Grand Book Promotion Tour, schedule in time for private get-togethers with established Chump Nation members in the cities where you will be officially promoting. I’m still mourning that I wasn’t able to attend Chumpalooza.
Me too!!!!!
I’ll do my best. I’ve got a year to plan…
Please KC,KC!! We are getting the FIFA Soccer….so you can come after that!!!
I agree. I’ll take off work and stay in a hotel if I have to.
I went to Chumpalooza, and it was glorious. My signed name tag is above my desk in my home office.
Finding Tracy and her blog on line was due to laying in bed, fearful for my life with #2 cheater locked out. I was just scrolling at 3am after my call to MOCSA for counseling post getting a lawyer and a protection order, scared to death. I started to read the blog and because this was my second marriage with a newer version of a cheater, the Book LACGAL hit me hard. I already lived the pathology and here was Tracy talking to me like the therapist WHO READ MY MIND. Every cartoon every word resounded in my head as my Truth and CL was reading my life experiences out loud. How did she know so much, and such intimate details???? One cartoon looked like #2 exactly in his baggy t shirt and loose underware, gripping one of his several OW!! CL had the TRUTH and with surgical precision, gave me the symptoms and prognosis of my disease of my Chump Achilles heel. And showing me all my cheaters blueprints and blame.
Giving up myself to be loved by someone who could not love. So I got the book and though the language startled me, pretty soon the words just helped me feel my anger and challenged my anger into action of NO CONTACT and saving my life. I give Tracy my most sincere gratitude for saving my emotional stability, keeping me out of an inpatient admission if I had stayed…and giving me a life I’ve always dreamed of. Solo and joyful. CONGRATULATIONS on book #2 and audio and whatever else you do to get the word out. A tireless warrior who does not give up and advice that spans the generations before and after. Thank you Tracy and Mr CL for being the wind under Tracy wings.
Correction: Tracy’s cartoon with my #2 x ..had no T shirt…sorry, my #2 cheater always had a worn.out baggy t shirt which he likely did NOT wear with OW(s). Also, I wanted to mention that Tracy can make me laugh out loud like no one else. I hope they make a movie of her life like the opposite of The Notebook so we can all learn from her experience and maybe our stories will be included too. It would be a great life time movie of true love, for ourselves in breaking free.
So exciting you are updating your book to a new edition! Though in reality, nothing needs to change in it, it’s perfect already!
I will treasure both editions, I already know that for sure. Your book blew the lid off the utter nightmare I was experiencing and gave me the validation I wasn’t crazy and the strength to make it through the most horrific shocking experience of my entire 63 year life. There were ppl out there that understood this level of pain!?! Not that I wanted anyone else to suffer so severely, but the validation was absolutely life saving.
LACGAL, The Body Keeps the Score and Dr. Ramani’s It’s Not You later in the process were so valuable to getting through the horror movie that became my life that not anyone in my actual life could really understand.
The isolation of that, even being surrounded by ppl that loved me and would want to help if they could, was overwhelming. Very difficult to get the support you need from ppl that haven’t gone through this, it’s unimaginable.
I would continually have to talk myself off the cliff. No, you can’t kill yourself and leave your three incredible kids with that much hurt forever. And also stick them with their mentally deranged, off the rails father and his soul mate schmoop. No way in hell I could do that to them!!
The pain was unbearable though. I remember taking walks right next to the bay’s edge during severe electrical storms and hoping I would get struck by lightening. It could be over and it wouldn’t be at my own hand, so everyone would be able to accept it eventually. This from a stable my entire life person who loved life so deeply, such an insane experience!!
Only comfort came from the knowledge that there were ppl out in the world who absolutely got it and experienced the same horrors in their lives and they even had a name, chumps! That in itself was a mind blowing realization. I wasn’t alone with this! There was a way through and others have found it!!
Don’t remember when I stumbled on LACGAL, but did read it completely through in two days and then immediately repeated it from the start. I’ve never done that with any book before and I’m an avid reader.
It was written directly for my experience and I frantically guzzled down every line and snarky comment and could not even comprehend finding someone who 100% got it!!! Unbelievably incredible!!!
I’ve bought dozens of your book to gift and have placed in book reader boxes from Texas to Virginia. I’ve also mailed copies to chump friends, who equally appreciated it. Your book was truly brilliant!
Can’t wait for your new edition!! Very exciting! Love that you will be reading your own audible too, tremendously amps its value to me!
Congrats to you CL, hope it sells like hotcakes!!! You are such a star and deserve all the success out there! Your book, blog and podcast has done invaluable good in the world. 🌟🥞👍💚
This book confirmed my path forward when I was teetering on inertness. I’ve mentioned it here before but FW recommended this website. Still not sure what his game was there. A modicum of contriteness? I delved deep into the website and even wrote in a time or two. I purchased the book. The topics discussed and no nonsense language used were what I needed to push through the sloggish hell I knew was ahead of me, knowing that there would be calm and life on the other side. Thank you for the much needed friend-mom advice. I am paying it forward to those who need to hear it, and trying my best to set up my daughter to not ever stand for this kind of deceit and abuse. It was not something I had experience in and therefore tolerated or justified, but something I just never saw coming, which is also a dangerous position to be in. This is a voice and position that needs to be out there, and I’m so pleased to hear that the positive feedback has been so overwhelming. Congratulations, Tracy!
This is AWESOME news! I look forward to buying the new edition and reading the added chapter.
I can’t remember how I came across LACGAL for the first time, but reading it changed everything. At the time I was deep in the RIC and had just completed a weekend long “marriage boot camp” with my FW. But when I read your book Tracy, my eyes opened wide and I saw my marriage for what it was. I kicked out my FW and never looked back. Instead of blaming myself, or his “addiction”, I realized he was just an entitled FW who wanted to cheat and lie, and I was finally done.
I will always be grateful to you for changing my life. For giving me the courage to finally kick his cheating ass to the curb. For making me realize that absolutely none of it was my fault. You lifted a 180 pound elephant off my shoulders and I can never thank you enough.
I hope this new iteration of your book skyrockets to the top of all the Best Seller lists and helps more chumps find CN!
When you were (probably) doing the last edits on your book in 2015, I had just turned 60 and bowed to my husband’s pressure to “retire, or I’ll divorce you and go off without you.” It had been my dream since I saw the movie “The Dove” in college to sail around the world in my own boat. When the CAD (Cheating Abusive Douche) and I started dating in 1995, I told him about my dream and he said that had always been his dream as well. He concluded, so he says, that we were fated to be — soulmates! And for a long time, that seemed as though it was true. But things were already fraying around the edges. Nevertheless, sailing around the world was my dream. So I retired, we sold the house and sold, donated or trashed everything that wouldn’t fit on our 36 foot sailboat, and moved aboard the boat on the day the house closed, December 30. When your book came out in 2016, we were voyaging down the IntraCoastal Waterway from the Chesapeake to Florida. Things were fraying more than just around the edges. He was always nitpicking and criticizing me, screaming at me over inconsequential stuff (the brand of beans I bought?) and having tantrums and rages on the regular. But I was living my dream!
My D-Day came in the middle of a hurricane in September, 2017. I had finally figured out that he was abusive, but at least he wasn’t cheating. Until I saw the texts between the CAD and his high school girlfriend, I had no doubts that he was faithful. He wasn’t.
When I left six weeks later (because it takes awhile to clean up after a hurricane, for the flood waters to recede, for debris to be cleaned up, for rental cars to become available and the drawbridges to become functional again) I left because I was too angry to contain my rage. All the abuse I put up with, and then he had the fucking nerve to cheat on me, too?! I got in a car and drove a thousand miles to my best friend’s home, in the center of the country, far from an ocean or an ocean-going sailboat. After six months or so of wallowing in my misery, I stumbled upon “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” and immediately downloaded it to my Kindle. And then stayed up all night reading. The phrase that hooked me was, “Is this relationship acceptable to you?” When I looked at my marriage through that lens, it clearly was not.
I married the first time in 1977; I was 21 and my parents already considered me an “old maid.” Rather than marry my high school boyfriend immediately after graduation, I left home, went to work and saved money for college. I had to drop out for a year to make more money, working 3 jobs at a time, so I was still in college when I married. I had graduated and put my husband through his last two years of college when, a week before his graduation, I found a heart shaped piece of paper on the floor of our closet, folded into tiny pieces. It was a love note from his mistress.
My parents told me cheating was no big deal, and I needed to just get over it. Besides, it was my fault; if I was giving him “what he needed,” he “wouldn’t have had to cheat.” My pastor said, “Marriage is a commitment. You need to look inside and figure out what you’re doing wrong to make him have to cheat.” My therapist said pretty much the same thing. I really worked at making that marriage work, but the cheating never stopped, and he was never sorry. And then there was the lying, the use of marital funds on himself and his affairs, and the money that I was saving for a winter coat spent on toys for himself. No one ever told me that his cheating wasn’t about me being a bad wife; that it was about him. I stayed for far too long and blamed myself for too many years. I wish I’d had Chumplady and the Chump nation back in 1981.
After reading your book in 2018, I hired a lawyer and filed for divorce. For the first time, I realized that his cheating and abuse were about HIM and his lack of character. It was never about me. No amount of hard work on my part was ever going to fix it because he really didn’t CARE. I was useful to him; not special. As soon as the divorce was final (February 2019), I went back to work. I lived in my best friend’s basement for 2 years while I saved money. I found a condo I loved and my offer was accepted. I left the boat with what I could carry and my dog, rented a car because I didn’t have one, and moved a thousand miles away from the ocean, my husband and my lifelong dream. But I have a wonderful life here in the MidWest, and my walls sing.
Thank you for writing the book, the blog, and for changing the narrative around infidelity. I know you saved my life. If I hadn’t left when I did, I might have had the fatal ‘accident’ the CAD was planning for me. And I certainly would not be living the lovely life I have now.
Ruby Gained a Life and– lucky us– we all gained a Ruby in our lifeboat. <3
I leave my copy on my chair-side table the way that some people leave out The Bible. It will be migrating to the office at work when the new one comes out (upgrades!)
I am very excited for the update and the new audiobook! Can Sarah read the introduction or foreword so people get the full podcast experience?
Congratulations! This is great news. I can’t thank you enough for writing the book, it was a lifesaver for me at a very difficult time in my life.
My cheater had an “exit affair” so I was never faced with the choice of whether to leave the relationship or not. Your book affirmed that was for the best, and gave me the tools I needed to take my power back at a time when I felt like I had no control over my life.
“Anne Bercht’s “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me.” Yes, the BEST THING. Better than puppies, sex, and ice cream. The best!”
I must agree with Ms. Bercht here. I spent 37 years (35 legally married) with a man who did not give two shites about me except for the value that I added to his life. I used so much spackle that the Home Depot stocks their spackle buckets in the “Best Thing aisle”. I put up with so much pre-affair abuse: decades of everyday “jokes”, insults, criticisms, loneliness… I knew better based on other marriages that I observed; I deserved better, but because of a devastatingly poor sense of self I just thought I couldn’t do better. It took cheating, lying, and thievery in addition to the everyday abuse to knock some sense into my head and WAKE UP STUPID!!! If the affair had never happened I would still be sitting in the big house on the hill, alone and lonely, depressed, morbidly obese, deeply unhappy, and emotionally comatose. FuckWit’s affair WAS the best thing that ever happened to me. And it pains me to now know that that is what it took but…. that is what it took. (And n.b., although I have not read Bercht’s book I assume it is about a Chump taking responsibility for FW’s behavior and changing him/herself to accommodate the disorder – if so FRO Ms. Bercht. #kthxbye)
Meanwhile, I found CL through a customer review on Amazon for some other book wherein the reviewer said the book was not helpful and she found much better advice from LACGAL. This was 3 years after D-Day, and so too late to help me through devaluation, discard, and divorce. How this book and site really helped me was in reading the columns and the comments section and finding out that my FW had no brain tumor, no aneurysm, no nervous breakdown. He was a FW, always had been. Before finding CL my brain was in pretzel form and I was still so very confused as to what in eff was going on. How bizarre! So extraordinary! Ummm… nope. Just FWs being FWs. I had been waltzing with my FW when he suddenly started the cha-cha, and I had no idea that the cha-cha was even a dance. I thought he went crazy. Nope, just FW being a FW. That eased my mind more than I can say.
One suggestion for the new book: the non-monogamy/polyamory topic is a spectacular idea. CL – I hope you include your observation from many columns back that it is always two women with one man in threesome relationships– as I recall you stated it as two men won’t share a woman because that equals 1/2 an appliance for each man. Brilliant! I look forward to Sept 2026
Unfortunately, I didn’t learn about LACGAL until several years after the 3-year divorce from my covert serial cheater was finalized. But once I did read it, I learned a lot about the behaviors I exhibited (e.g. the humiliating Pick Me Dance, smoking the Hopium pipe, trying to untangle the skein of fuckedupness, etc.). I know for a fact that if I’d discovered LACGAL (and CN) earlier, I would’ve handled just about everything differently. To be clear, not knowing about it didn’t necessarily screw me out of a more attractive financial settlement, but I would’ve been the one to file and not wait 7 agonizing months for him to get off his ass, find an attorney and submit an initial separation proposal. Additionally, I would’ve regained my emotional sea legs much earlier, embraced the wisdom behind adopting a “Let him” attitude, avoided wrecking my overloaded brain with all of the standard “Why?” questions betrayed spouses tend to ask, and initiated NC about 15 months earlier than I did. And if I should ever be tempted to get into another romantic relationship, I’ll be a lot more tuned in to establishing strong boundaries, not budging on my dealbreakers, having my spidey senses turned on to detect suspicious behaviors, etc.
I almost wish there’d was a BINGO card of stupid things cheaters say under the dust cover because mine hit all the high notes post discovery. It was funny to watch him predictably cycle among rage, pity, and charm, and to point out, “hey, that’s not an apology” or “stop blame shifting and take accountability for your actions” and “I have a bunch of unmet needs of my own, but it never occurred to me to cheat.”
I found out my guy hadn’t quit dating two years into being married, so I was mad but not devastated. This book did more to help me understand my relationship to my serial cheater mom (and my “angry” chump dad) than years of anti-depressants and therapy ever did. I fixed my picker, cut a lot of toxic people out of my life, and look for reciprocity and shared values in my relationships going forward.
That’s my plate! 😁 In January 2025, klootzak was angry at me for my refusing to allow him to use my car any longer. I had filed for divorce in October 2023 and he owned 2 other vehicles but he insisted on using mine. He had not been paying for its maintenance, gas, etc. so I said no. First he called the police and when they came to the house, he told them that I stole the car because I wouldn’t give him the key. It was parked in the driveway in plain sight of the officer. My name was on the title. I told them I would move it if it needed to be moved or open it if klootzak needed to retrieve something from inside but I would no longer let him use it. The police officer shook his head and left. And then klootzak removed and hid the wheels from my car, leaving it on jack stands in the driveway.
After renting a car for several weeks, I bought a new 2025 Subaru Forester. A larger vehicle that my son and I could use for road trips, camping, adventures. I bought a dash cam for it, knowing that klootzak bragged in the past about damaging vehicles of people who crossed him. After my best friend helped me out, she found the antenna on her truck had been vandalized. So I knew I needed a dash cam but couldn’t get it installed until late February. Meanwhile, I parked the vehicle blocks away from the house so he wouldn’t find it.
The dashcam was installed and I asked the tech to hard wire it to the battery. I wanted it to operate while the car is parked. I then felt comfortable to park my sweet Subie in the driveway. One month later at the end of March, klootzak waited until I went to bed and the sneaked outside and keyed the driver’s side door. The dashcam caught him in the act. When I saw the damage and reviewed the video, I took it straight downtown to the magistrate’s office and filed a criminal complaint.
He pled guilty in July 2025. I was given a 1 year no hostile contact order and had to write me a check in court to pay for the damage. I represented myself.
I got the 10” scratch repaired and now my Subaru is part of my mighty story. It helped me move a lot of stuff in August when I moved from the marital home, too. And klootzak? He has been using the AP’s Jeep to try to haul his garbage. He is laying pretty low and I am hopeful maybe in a year he will be calmed down and leave me in peace.
I found Chump Lady on my final Dday when I was desperate to find answers. I made the decision to leave and I was fearful of being sucked back in. LACGAL was exactly what I needed to be strong as I dismantled my life with FW! I listened to the audio book 3 times in the first 2 weeks as I packed and made plans.
I consider this book to be my lifesaver, and the support of this community is what carried me through the hardest times!
Eight years later my life is better than I could have ever imagined! And, as a bonus, I recently married the kindest man. This would not have happened without Chump Lady!
I found your book because I was desperately seeking guidance on dealing with Switzerland friends (a term I didn’t know at the time — but that makes total sense now). I think I googled “friends staying neutral in divorce” and that led me to CL.com and the book, for which I am extremely grateful.
Weirdly the social fallout of divorce after 20+ years of marriage continues to be one of the most challenging factors for me. I had instinctively gone no contact immediately, after I was abandoned — the brutality of that secret move (although he left flowers! and wine! as I have described here before) showed me that he was a freak I needed to stay away from.
The Switzerland friends, however, continue to
hound/harass/stalk/reach out to me two years later, despite my texts stating that I need space, privacy, and distance. It took me some time to realize that their aggressive attempts to normalize this situation while staying friends with both myself and my cheating ex did me much more harm than good.Thank you for the book, the blog, and congrats on the upcoming new edition and audiobook!
Fun fact, Virginia has more vanity plates than any other state…likely because it’s really cheap.When I was in the worst of it, I almost got DUMPED for my plates…I wanted the world to know my pain and emotional vomiting was not beneath me.
In the end, I didnt get that plate and focused more on the positive things in my life to single out on my plates.
I will surely be on the look out for Mr Wonderfuls Ex…she ought not be surprised if she sees a women yelling “Its me, Unicornomore!!” running through a Costco parking lot.
Wow, Tracy, I am so glad to hear you are breathing new life into the book.
I remember first discovering it eight years ago, not long after my devastating “main” d-day. I thought it was a brilliant and refreshing read, but that it was written about “other” people, not me; I was not a chump and my husband certainly wasn’t a FW! Alas as the years went by the penny dropped and I realised I was a fellow chump after all. FW most certainly was a FW! I leaned into it and am now horizontal, but in a good way. Divorce is progressing and I am certainly finding my mighty in navigating co-habitation and parenting with an entitled FW.
I have listened to the audiobook many times and it’s my go-to listen if Audible doesn’t give me a book I am really into one month. It’s become my bible. I thought Laura was an excellent narrator, it still makes me LOL at certain points (the sweary bits, mainly). However, I think the additions you suggest and having you read it is a great idea and can’t wait to buy it. I also think it will connect you more to new chumps, having you read it. Plus it’ll connect them and you to the podcast also.
I am particularly excited at the prospect of the launch and tour. I dearly hope you come to the UK and I am offering my voluntary support with the tour, or any promotions/word spreading. I can’t think of any better way to spend my FW-free time than spreading the CL/CN word. I was only recommending you today to a fellow football “mom” who has become a recent chump. You are simply the authority on LACGAL – you literally wrote the book!
I know they say never meet your heroes, but I don’t think it applies to you. I can’t think of anyone else I would rather meet, alive or dead (including Elvis, who I have a particular penchant for).
As a peer support practitioner in suicide bereavement, I am starting to think that I’d love to support your “movement”/community even more and help fellow chumps see the wood for the trees and LACGAL! It could be my new direction of travel. It would be an honour to support you and your work somehow and to leave a lasting legacy (I feel quite uncomfortable at the prospect of your retiring one day, despite you being in your prime ;-)). You have literally been a lifesaver for me and a gazillion chumps on here. For that I am truly thankful and really think the book relaunch will spread the “gospel” even further. Thanks a million, Tracy, and all my fellow chumps. We. Are. Mighty. xxx
This book was a game-changer for me. I was with FW for 15 years and totally devastated when I found out the truth. Everyone here understands. I hope the new edition helps many other women and men with the more reasonable premise of this group’s view of infidelity. I was already in pain, but the supposed professionals helping to gaslight and try to assign some blame to me felt like a double whammy. I’m not to meh but I’m at acceptance most days.
Keep doing what you do, and thank you!
My SIL recommended this book and it’s life changing. I found out my husband had an affair 4 months before he left me for her. I read every book about saving your marriage. Listened to every podcast. I was convinced we would make it. After he left I knew I would never take him back so I started looking for books to help me through it. I needed this tough love book. Not the over emotional book about finding myself. This book has been life changing. It’s only been 2 weeks since he left but I know I’m doing the right thing for my daughters. showing them to not let anyone betray you and then let them come back. Thank you! congratulations on the new edition.