My Parents Married Me Off to a Sex Addict
Dear Chump Lady,
I have recently come across your work. As you may have already gathered, I’m here because I may be a chump too.
I’m 29. I was married in 2019 and only lived with my spouse for a total of 5 months (1 month after marriage and 4 months in 2020 due to lockdown). He lives in Pakistan and I’m from the U.K.
After I flew back in 2020 post lockdown, I wrote his family off. My heritage is Pakistani and I was pressured into this marriage. Shortly after writing off his family, I wrote him off too. Mostly because they were dysfunctional human beings in my opinion and based on my experience with them. When I was out there with my partner, I caught him on a private WhatsApp (in addition to the normal WhatsApp he had), this WhatsApp was called: WhatsApp business and he lie next to me texting another woman. When I asked to see, he deleted all the chats and handed his phone to me and proceeded to go to sleep. I tried hard that night to retrieve the messages. The following days (due to lockdown) I was stuck. He reached out to my mother who was in the U.K. and she called me to let me know how ashamed she was that I was accusing him of infidelity. She pressured me (which isn’t an alien concept in my life) to reconcile with him.
When I got back to the U.K., I mentally divorced him but my family would not let me divorce him in actuality. I come from a culture that’s very dominating where I’m not seen as a person with her own collective thoughts but rather an extension to a family and their “honour”.
Recently we found out he has been visiting brothels and prostitutes for 10 years of his life (way before he met and married me). We found out courtesy of my mum who finally decided to explore my doubts. I know my mum has known for at least two years but only shared this with me 7 weeks ago. I know this because the friend that sold my partner out to my mum has been sending my mum audio recordings between my soon to be ex partner and himself that date back to 2021.
That’s the gist of it all. Obviously I’m in therapy and have a great support system in place but at the same time, the recovery/healing is not so healing. As you already know the internet mostly talks about reconciliation so I’m passed the stage of googling for some help. Even therapy talks about his toxic masculinity and how he must have been abused in childhood to seek validation in prostitutes. In addition to visiting brothels, in his business he owns a van and drives students to colleges and universities. All his passengers are females and we have come to know he’s been taking advantage of those young women too from taking them to private hotel like rooms and paying them for sex to getting blowjobs from them in his van! I estimate there’s a minimum of 50 women to maximum 500 women he’s had sex with. He’s been in this line of “business” for a decade of his life. It’s quite fair to assume he’s a sex addict.
By now I hope you have assumed that I’ve been psychologically abused by this “man” (and I use the word man very loosely here). I’ve also been on the receiving end of the typical manipulation, gaslighting and victim blaming. Maybe a story for another time. For now I reach out as I need help. Many if not all forums talk about how anger will slow the healing process and can cause more detriment than healing but the reality is anger is a necessary part of this process right? Basically I’m very angry. So angry that I fear resentment will build from this. My anger has started to interrupt my self care and sleeping habits (it’s not 02:03am and I have work at 8am).
I guess this email is a plea for help. Please help me. I know my healing is in me and no one can guide me but some times we give up and can no longer help ourselves. I fear I have fallen there. All I want is acknowledgment and an apology from him and for him to recognise how hurt I am. The irony is we made a pact on our wedding night where I pleaded with him to not cheat on me. Not because I had an instinct back then but because I had just recovered from my dad’s infidelity over the years.
I have a lot more I want to say but I’m already aware this email is more an essay than an email at this point.
If you see this and can reply, I’d be so appreciative. Whatever you have that you can share with me, I’ll take!
Warmly,
A sad loser
***
Dear Incredibly Strong Person,
So, your parents married you off to a sexual predator and you wonder why you’re angry?
Holy shit! I would burn with the fire of a thousand suns. I’d join a motorcycle gang and tattoo warnings on my neck. I’d be so angry people would hide kitchen knives from me. I would crush small buildings as I stormed Godzilla-like through the metropolis. Environmentalists would seek me out because my anger would be a renewable energy source. My rage would power New York City. You could toast marshmallows off my hot head from across a boiling ocean.
HOW ANGRY WOULD I BE? SO ANGRY.
And yet here you are penning me a polite letter, and you haven’t killed anyone. Gold star for restraint. I mean seriously, OF COURSE YOU’RE ANGRY.
Stop apologizing for it and start looking at your anger as a friend. Or maybe a really protective junkyard dog that guards the perimeter of your soul.
You sign yourself “sad” — and that’s normal too, but I’d much rather have anger on my side than sadness. Sad paralyzes but anger comes out swinging. You’re not even divorced from this freak yet and your parents colluded in your abuse — so anger’s got a full-time job right now.
It won’t always feel raw and unmanageable. But you need to get to safety. You’ll have to process all of this and that could take a long time. Anger will settle down. But sometimes that junkyard dog will tug on its leash when something sets it off. This is your warning system that you’re being violated. Don’t turn it off.
So be a shrieking harridan, Tracy?
No, channel it. Get the divorce done. Focus on your new life. Emancipate yourself from all those cultural shit sandwiches, like this is your fault. Or you’re an extension of your family’s “honor.” There is ZERO honor in hooking your child up with a sexual predator. NONE. So, their “honor” is a failed currency. You call the shots in your life.
He reached out to my mother who was in the U.K. and she called me to let me know how ashamed she was that I was accusing him of infidelity.
Has she apologized for doubting you? For knowing what he was long before you did? Given that she comes from place of normalizing her own husband’s infidelity — why would she shame you for suspecting?
She totally let you down here. And I’d be furious. Which is a very complicated feeling when it’s your mother.
She pressured me (which isn’t an alien concept in my life) to reconcile with him.
Sadly, this is a very common response — cultural and family pressure to reconcile. A bazillion chumps send hugs of solidarity. Going forward work on your boundaries. No one gets to pressure you into major life decisions, especially not people who don’t share your values. This is your one precious life.
my family would not let me divorce him in actuality. I come from a culture that’s very dominating where I’m not seen as a person with her own collective thoughts but rather an extension to a family and their “honour”.
But you are divorcing him now, correct? They relented on this? In any case, you’re an adult. You don’t need their permission to divorce. I realize you’re probably paying a huge price with them emotionally — which is TOTALLY UNFAIR (cue rage). You get a choice if you want to live as an “extension” or as your own person. They probably won’t like it. Oh hey, you didn’t like being married off to a sexual predator.
I know my mum has known for at least two years but only shared this with me 7 weeks ago. I know this because the friend that sold my partner out to my mum has been sending my mum audio recordings between my soon to be ex partner and himself that date back to 2021.
Seven weeks?! You only found out about this staggering betrayal SEVEN WEEKS ago? And you’re managing to shower and go to work? Forget anger for a minute — you’re functioning. You’re in the top tier of dealing with shit. WTF is wrong with your mother?
She should be a grizzly bear protecting you. Something went wrong with her internal warning system years ago. Societal misogyny. I don’t know, but it isn’t okay. I hope she comes around. What you’re going through must feel very threatening for her. If she ate the shit sandwich of Husbands Use Sex Workers What’s the Big Deal? — and you resist it? She may be questioning her life choices.
he’s been taking advantage of those young women
Quit framing this as sex addiction. He’s a sexual predator.
Even therapy talks about his toxic masculinity and how he must have been abused in childhood to seek validation in prostitutes.
Oh fuck that shit. He uses sex workers because he’s pickled in misogyny and entitlement. And it’s unquestioned. And this goes beyond a hooker habit (which is terrible enough) — he preys on vulnerable young women as a hired driver.
Why do rapists rape? That’s a question for social scientists — it’s not a question for victims. His theoretical motivations are irrelevant. And it’s OFFENSIVE that a therapist has you untangling that skein. To what end? To feel sorry for him? Go easy on him? See the wider kaleidoscopic picture of his technicolor FOO issues? NOT YOUR JOB.
Your job is to get away to safety. Fuck untangling his skein. And fuck that therapist. (Oh hey, my junkyard dog is acting up.)
Many if not all forums talk about how anger will slow the healing process and can cause more detriment than healing
There’s a lot of reconciliation bullshit out there that encourages victims to untangle cheater skeins and not make any sudden decisions. That shames victims for feeling righteous, normal, HEALTHY anger. You need a proper trauma specialist not the Reconciliation Industrial Complex.
Anger had you fleeing home and divorcing. Anger is your friend. #TeamAnger
Basically I’m very angry. So angry that I fear resentment will build from this. My anger has started to interrupt my self care and sleeping habits (it’s not 02:03am and I have work at 8am).
You’re SEVEN WEEKS out from a devastating blow that your mother knew of your abuse FOR AGES and encouraged you to stay in it. You’re in the middle of a divorce from a SEXUAL PREDATOR. That you can manage ANY self care or sleep is a testament to how mighty you are. Stop expecting so much from yourself. None of this is okay — you’re in crisis mode. Your reactions are totally normal.
As for “resentment”? Is that the worst thing? Are you afraid of being tarred with the “bitter” brush? Yes, I resent that my parents arranged a marriage to a sexual predator and shamed me for trying to get out of it. Yes, I resent that my mother knew he was abusing me and gaslighted me about my “suspicions.” Yes, I resent that I wasted years of my youth on this traumatic shit show.
Sounds sane to me.
If you mean you worry you can’t get over it and you’ll carry this trauma for the rest of your life — Yes, you’ll get past it and yes you’ll carry this trauma for the rest of your life. You can live with scars. You can also build a really amazing life for yourself. A gazillion of us here have done it, which is why this place exists — to learn from each other and show that there’s life after.
All I want is acknowledgment and an apology from him and for him to recognise how hurt I am.
Common chump rookie mistake. Don’t go there. He’s incapable of acknowledgement and apologies — he’s a predator. He’s not safe. Any “apology” would be hoovering to lure you back into the cycle of abuse.
The irony is we made a pact on our wedding night where I pleaded with him to not cheat on me.
So he’s a lying liar who lies. His apologies would be as worthless as his vows. Let that expectation go, okay?
I had just recovered from my dad’s infidelity over the years.
I read this as you were groomed to expect abuse from men. And you resisted that narrative. Which makes you a very strong woman. A person with integrity who knows her worth. That’s someone to be proud of. Don’t let anyone diminish how incredibly mighty you are.
P.S. Please get tested for STDs!
Sometimes chumps have to view their own experience through the lens of another culture to recognize the shared societal messages. No country, religion, workplace or family deserves unilateral loyalty. And we certainly should expect a safe and reciprocal relationship in a marriage. Reproductive rights, access to education and employment are the foundation of gaining a life.
Loyalty without limits is bad for family, not good. All it does is teach people that they can get away with hurting each other with no meaningful consequence. The real threat of the family splitting apart, ironically, is a crucial component of what keeps families healthy, functional, and happy.
The only people who have something to fear from conditional loyalty are those who know that no one would tolerate them without it.
ICST, Say it louder for the people in the back row!
“We certainly should expect a safe and reciprocal relationship in a marriage.” Amen Amen!👏👏
“Reproductive rights, access to education and employment are the foundation of gaining a life.” Amen Amen!👏👏
We need to spread these ideas so it becomes the norm.
Thank you CL & CN for the support on this site. It’s life-saving!❤️
Go into the local library and ask for contact details of any local charities that help ethnic minority women who have arranged marriages. They do exist and the Home Office probably still runs an assistance programme.
You will learn in time to accept and let go of your experience and not look to your ex for anything, he has no conscience so why would you. He is a level above a dog in heat, thats it. If you hang onto the anger too long however, it will be to your detriment, for it is a poison we feed ourselves. The longer we stay angry, the more he is still in control, because he is the reason. The anger keeps us thinking about the situation and in some weird way prolonging the agony. Shift your paradigm to, “he was lucky to have had me at all” and wave goodbye in the rear view mirror. You pick the next relationship, you couldn’t do worse than your loving parents thats for sure. Stay strong girlfriend, you can and will do this. We can’t choose the hand we are dealt, but we can decide how to play it. “The weak seek revenge, the smart forgive, and the intelligent ignore”. Albert Einstein…..said that. No truer words were ever spoken.
I know that quote is commonly attributed to Einstein but so are a lot of things he never said. It never rang right. For one, Einstein was atheist and forgiveness is largely a religious concept (particularly Christian) but not even universal to all religions. It isn’t in traditional Judaism (where it’s “optional” and not necessary for someone to be godly). Though atheist, Einstein was culturally Jewish.
Anyway, I can agree that research shows practicing aggression increases aggression (goes against Freud’s “hydraulic” theory of aggression which argues that expressing it decreases it). But I suspect that if one does not “feed” anger with gratuitously aggressive acts, it will have a limited lifespan. Furthermore, some people need to increase their aggression and anger because they’re too passive. In that sense, I think of intrusive flashbacks to traumatic experiences as sort of like the Karate training apps in The Matrix. If your subconscious thinks you’re too much of a pushover and that this is endangering you, it’s going to keep running flashback trauma tapes in your head until you get the hint and go and, say, take a self defense class or seek proper justice or otherwise neutralize a continuing source of danger. Once that risk-management ganglia at the base of your skull is satisfied that you’re now effectively safer, it may slow down or stop the upsetting, angering, intrusive flashbacks.
I can’t agree with that premise. The anger isn’t just about him, it’s about the mistreatment she has suffered from her parents as well as from him, and from her culture as well. This is righteous outrage, which is a different thing from the sort of self-defeating anger you’re talking about. If anything, outrage becomes a tool to keep her from being drawn back into abusive cultural norms and abusive relationships. Perhaps it will inspire her to help others to do the same.
Without outrage, there is no possibility of progress. It is healthy and should not be suppressed.
Also, seeking redress of wrongs is not the same as seeking revenge. That being said, it is not weakness to desire revenge. It is human.
Not sure I understand or agree with some of this. She isn’t seeking any kind of revenge, and anger in this case is most definitely NOT a poison she is feeding herself.
I really, REALLY wish we could do away with this notion of anger as a bad thing. It is a signal — a signal that something is very, very wrong and must be addressed. Women (especially oppressed women) do not need to think of anger as something to be avoided like a poison. That’s often an effective way to keep oppressed people in an oppressed state (yes, that includes chumps).
Who knows what is “too long” to “hang onto” anger anyway? She’s not even 60 days out from a massive, intimate betrayal, not yet divorced, and horribly traumatized. I dunno … I felt very much IN control when I listened to my anger.
“Women (especially oppressed women) do not need to think of anger as something to be avoided like a poison. That’s often an effective way to keep oppressed people in an oppressed state (yes, that includes chumps).”
This. Pure gold.
“I felt very much IN control when I listened to my anger”
Absolutely.
I wish I had listened to my anger more. It should be treated as a big glaring sign that points the way forward and not be regarded as something to be hidden away. I ❤️ 😡.
Now I think of anger as a wise sage to offer advice.
I don’t know what happened to my earlier two cents on this, so I’ll pipe up again.
Repressed, denied, unexpressed, sublimated, misdirected anger is poison.
Like me, this dear lady has had the normal and necessary human emotion of anger beaten out of her.
I believe suggestions to “let it go” are harmful.
What’s healthy is to acknowledge, accept, safely express anger. Something I still feel like I am learning after decades of counseling.
Chumps routinely get anger-shamed and told to “let it go” and it REALLY upsets me.
How do I feel right now? Angry!
I say hang on to the anger as long as you need it to keep moving forward. Anger makes you stronger. It’s been seven weeks. That’s just a tiny speck of time. Your parents and your community will want you to give up the anger, but ignore them. They didn’t have your back. Once you’re free of this fuckwad and divorced, THEN you can consider letting go of the anger. It’s OK to stay angry with your parents, too, as long as you need to in order to extricate yourself from their expectations of how you live your life. Stay angry at anyone who devalued, disrespected, coerced or abused you. Once you’re free of them, you can consider losing the anger.
I’m forty years out from my parents coercing me into marrying a man whom they had just witnessed swinging a canoe paddle at me. In the 3-1/2 years we were married, he routinely threatened to beat me to death every time he got angry. The marriage ended when he strangled me nearly to death and dumped me on the highway. And even though they gave me shit for ending the marriage, I forgave my parents way too soon — before I had processed my feelings about how they coerced me into marrying this man. As a result, I gave them far too much of my time, my attention and “family fealty.” I didn’t understand that it’s OK to go No Contact with abusive people, and I wish I had figured that out decades ago. They never had my best interests at heart. I should not have placed their best interests so high on my priority list.
Therapy is a good place to start, if you can get in to see someone. Group therapy may be helpful if you cannot find an individual therapist. I didn’t understand how completely fucked up some of the things my parents and my then-husband had done were until I started seeing them through others’ eyes. I wish I had started therapy 40 years ago.
Good luck — you’ve got this. Your rage at your husband is not misplaced. But spare some for your parents, too. It wouldn’t be misplaced there, either.
I think your husband may be the lesser of your problems: the primary problem seems to be that you are embedded in a system that condones the abuse of women, you included. Could you leave and move to another place in the UK and cut the ties with your abusers (husband, family)? Or emigrate to another country? I just don’t see how you can win surrounded by people (and they are the sad losers, not you) who are complicit in your abuse.
One reason I love big cities is because there are so many completely separate social groups existing at the same time. If one doesn’t work out, you can always find another separate circle. You can always grow and change without worrying about being forever alone whereas, in a limited social sphere, growth is scary because there aren’t the same options to find like-minds and, worse, you can’t escape the people you grew out of.
I think one of the reason that New Yorkers tend to avoid getting to know their immediate neighbors is because, if things go wrong, it’s harder to escape adversaries, thus losing an important advantage of living there.
I think you need to put some distance between him, your family and your culture.
Tim to be selfish. Your Mom betrayed you as well. Time to make all the decisions in your life.
If your family does not like it, slam the door and walk away.
You were raised to be a people pleaser ( I was too ), so it’s difficult to meet your own needs . Protect yourself and tell your truth.
Also -be careful. Watch your back. Just a hunch that it would be easier to have you permanently quoted than tarnishing anyone’s honour!
Permanently quieted- stupid auto correct
This is beyond heartbreaking and I want to put this so-called mother on a spit and roast her over hot coals. Along with the sexual predator wearing the husband disguise and everyone enabling him. If anyone dared to treat my daughter like this I would have a difficult time staying out of prison.
Let us adopt you and be your mother.
PLEASE KEEP COMING BACK and listen to Chump Lady and everyone here.
“Let us adopt you and be your mother.” Yes, a thousand times! When your own family (and culture) is toxic and abusive, the healthiest thing to do is develop a chosen family–people who care about you, support you, lift you up, and celebrate you.
This angers me! You have been treated as a commodity instead of a beloved child. I want to tread lightly here because this is a cultural thing but why would your mother ever do this to you?
Please stay safe and get a divorce.
Oh sweetie. I refuse to call you “sad loser” but I’ve been through a small portion of what you have — my husband cheated with prostitutes, squandering hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years — but at least my mother has always been supportive.
Your instinct about anger is solid. There may be a point where the anger overstays its usefulness, but you aren’t anywhere near that. Suppressing your anger right now would only turn it inward toward yourself. Everything you are going through is necessary for your ultimate healing.
I was not able to regain control over my mind for a long time. I started making progress ONLY after I’d completely removed myself from my husband’s orbit; as the divorce process crept along I had to pick up and leave. I now understand that this kept me from being manipulated by him further. I stopped having obsessive flashbacks after 18 months, although I’m still prone to them at night. At least I can function during the day.
FWIW, that’s my only observation here. If anyone has manipulated you, there’s no point asking them to acknowledge that fact. They’ll only take the opportunity to manipulate you further.
One more thing: girls who are being driven to colleges and universities are NOT soliciting sex, with or without payment. He may explain it that way, but I guarantee you these girls are not having consensual sex with him. He is going to lose this job, if he doesn’t get thrown in jail first.
I read this all the way through to the end and had two thoughts running through my head. 1. There is nothing worse than cultural/religious/family abuse of any kind. The extent of the abuse isn’t one culture or religion or family to me; it is the devotion by the members to stick with and export that devotion to everyone around them no matter what. That’s why it is called “a cult.” The letter writer is breaking out of her cult – bravo to her! 2. I have a friend who is a year younger than me. He has diabetes, needs a kidney, goes to regular dialysis in the mean time, had both legs amputed due to infections and has been in and out of the hospital too many times. Yet he is one of the most positive, happy people I’ve ever known or met. One day I asked him how he does it, stays so positive. He said he reminds himself all the time that there is always someone worse off than himself. Then he gave me a recent example. My situation was bad but I did not have to battle my family and its cult behavior shrouded in their perverse interpretation of religion or culture. Keep fighting and when you get out never look back!
I’d like to add a note that I’ve heard and read stories like this from Christians, Jews, evangelicals, families with a history of alcoholism (my ex’s family, for example). This is not a story about Pakistan culture. This woman’s brave story is about abuse shrouded in culture and religion and family behavior.
I agree with the spirit of what you’re saying, Stephen. The thing is, cultural norms don’t develop by accident. They are deliberately pushed into the service of certain points of view and behaviors. All cultures developed in ways thar facilitated the abuse of women and children. Some cultures have just come farther in reversing the trend than others. So actually, this is partly a story about Sad’s particular culture. If this sort of abuse is the cultural norm, you cannot divorce it from the culture and claim it is just about the individuals involved. Toxic cultural practices need to be resisted and protested wherever they exist.
There are many brave, good people who do stand up and resist. Sad is one of them. We can all draw inspiration from her to resist the harmful norms within our own cultures. We’ve all got a long way to go.
Astute observation! This is a universal story “about abuse shrouded in culture and religion and family behavior.” Perfect!!!
This is a very important point. Ascribing abuse to cultural norms lets abusers off the hook and keeps victims oppressed. Hugs to this strong woman!
It amazes me that in todays age certain cultures still force marriage upon innocent young women.
Your mom cares more about herself than her own daughter. To Hell with these demands (cults) that they believe in. Her mother expects her to tolerate a abusive
Relationship like she went through? Disgusting!
She should take the advise CL gave her and live a safe and healthy life.
Your story is very similar to a friend of mine—same culture, but in US. All I can say is that her family upped their manipulation and violence when she began to stick up for herself. I fear the same for you, so please please please seek out help from one of the many non-profits that help women in your position. Your anger is justified, but those that purport to love you do not have your best interest at heart and may be capable of even worse than what you have seen. (I still hold my friend’s her gold bc no one would be able to figure that out and we have a safe word for when she needs me to get her $$ and out of danger.)
You are young, smart, and capable of getting that life that Chump Lady speaks of….in time! We are all cheering for you!
I’m glad you said this, BCC, because I was really wondering about it. If we aren’t living as part of a culture — especially a culture that’s pretty insular, which is common when families relocate — we can’t always truly grasp the depth of dangers a person might face if they try to lean outside their group’s norms or demands.
Our writer is so mighty that it can be easy to miss the level of the stakes she’s facing if she steps over those lines.
I’m glad you are there for your friend, and I like your idea about seeking out local resources that know how to help in context. That’s smart and caring stuff.
One of the hardest things to come to terms with is the part your family has to do with your experience. I am a U.S. citizen, born into a supposedly Christian culture, and I have personally talked with women in my age range who were more or less sold by their families into marriage. Back in the day when women had no rights to education, or to work, or to own property, or to have their own bank account or credit, women were entirely dependent on the men in their life. One woman I know was 13, when her widowed mother told her she must marry a 45-year-old neighbor. He was a widower, had a successful farm and a home, and he promised her mother she could live in his home with them and he would provide for them both if she would sign for her daughter to marry him. He was supposed to be a Christian, too, but as we all know attending church and quoting scripture does not make you a good or kind person.
How long do you think he had been observing that girl, probably in church, and figuring out how to get control of her? The cultural beliefs made the mother think this was best for her daughter. I can only imagine the horror of being “given in marriage” to a much older man. I can easily imagine the expectation of your culture to stay with a sexual predator because of my own experience with my culture. I call it the “Stand by your man” belief system, turning a blind eye to his failings as a human because “after all, he’s just a man.” How insulting is that to both sexes?
As for the honor of the family, some cultures believe killing a daughter who has been raped, or who has had sex outside of an approved marriage, is perfectly ok to preserve the honor of the family. I personally heard a litany of “what will the neighbors think” the entire time I lived with my family. I left home at 18 with no intention of ever living with my family again. It took years of reading and therapy for me to finally accept that I cannot change or justify the past, but I can celebrate surviving it. I have built a comfortable life for myself away from any control of the dysfunction within my family. It is not easy to establish boundaries, and it is hard to enforce them. You have to set aside your cultural programing about what your attitude “should” be, and about what actions you “should” do or not do. You are a grown woman now. Build and enjoy your own life, live according to what is acceptable for you. You may lose contact with your dysfunctional family. Believe me, it is possible to do that and still have a rich productive life.
You are not broken. Your spirit has carried you through a horrible experience. Stay strong and move forward. Try not to waste more of your time by looking back or wondering why. Live one day at a time but keep your eye on where you want to be, eventually. Progress may be slow, but it keeps hope alive.
What a powerful response, Portia.
You are so mighty. You inspire us here with your anger. You inspire me! Different culture (US and Catholic) but so many themes of family pushing reconciliation, long standing cheating habits with many women by my soon to be ex husband, etc. I am inspired by your strength, your clarity, your anger, your amazing mind who will not accept this abuse. You are incredible!
Do get the STD test. Find time to rest and heal when you can – I was such a mess I got a medical leave for a few months. You are a treasure and we are cheering for you from all over the world.
Wow. This is terrible to have to go through with pressures coming from so many directions. This letter writer may be sad, but certainly is no loser. Standing up against all that is mighty.
I’m struck by this: “Many if not all forums talk about how anger will slow the healing process and can cause more detriment than healing.”
Don’t know why it never occurred to me before now, but the very framing by the reconciliation mafia of “healing” is problematic. Because almost always, only one person is “healing” from being wounded by their partner, and the other is impatiently waiting out the inconvenience of having been caught. Only the unicorns try to “heal” from what made them cheat, but that whole crowd frames it as if everyone is busily “healing.”
The healing shit plays on the half truth that even serial killers were once victims of abuse. But ever hear of a reformed (“healed”) serial killer? And, in fact, isn’t it dangerous to suggest it’s even possible regarding certain criminal types (serial killers and domestic batterers)? Saying someone once was a victim doesn’t preclude their complete transformation into victimizer.
I did an interesting deep dive on the psychopathy of filmmaker and serial rapist Roman Polanski in college to reconcile the fact that some of his films– from Rosemary’s Baby to Chinatown to The Pianist– are among the most uncanny explorations of victim entrapment that had ever been done in that period. On top of this, a few have (wtf?) identifiably feminist perspectives. He nails the frog-boiling cycle of abuse, how abusers/predators are relentlessly committed to entrapment as their prime raison d’etre, how the latter play “rescuer” to arrange protection rackets, how various circumstantial conditions add to victims’ vulnerability as a reminder that even the strongest among us might have a weak moment and become easy prey, how victims’ anxiety becomes progressively blinding as they fall deeper into the snare.
But as I learned about batterer psychology, the more Polanski’s schism made perfect sense, particularly the “office partitions” quasi-split personality aspect of it. As one expert explained it, abusive personalities tend to be compartmentalized in the extreme, developing different “faces” that they trot out depending on what they’re trying to get and depending on the audience they’re performing for. But, unlike in genuine dissociative personality disorder where the “walls” between different personae are dense and “floor to ceiling,” the walls between personae of certain offenders are just short, flimsy little half partitions. In other words, the individual is somewhat aware of being fragmented for the purpose of manipulating others because each “self” is aware of the others. Theoretically there’s always one central, evil, organizing persona which orchestrates which “face” to trot out for which purpose or which audience. The organizing persona is rarely visible until the moment this individual is in the throes of victimizing, deeply thwarted in some way or exposed for their heinous deeds, at which point the monster face will briefly appear. Clearly the “partitions” aren’t just arbitrary but serve to shield the person from a sense of stigma for their ill deeds and allow them to more or less invest in each “persona” they’re fronting with, a process dubbed “cubing” by serial killer Denis Rader (BTK killer). They both know and can deny their true selves simultaneously.
One of the “faces” that offenders trot out a lot is the “former victim self” which will always seem compelling and plausible to the degree that it was once actually real. The “former victim self” may cry easily over lost puppies or landmine victims half a world away out of a tendency to analogize their own past suffering to others. But like the light from a long-dead star reaching earth after millions of years, the “victim self” is merely an echo. That part of their selves died long ago and they’re really the direct opposite of a “survivor” because, by internalizing their own perpetrators, they did not survive. The “former victim self” longer really exists in the sense of an individual able to empathize with the similar suffering of others because they once suffered. Any analogous grief they feel is only for themselves. But they like to display it because they can almost believe it makes them “empathic.”
The “former victim self” uses victim status like one of those all-purpose knives from infomercials (slices, dices, makes julienne fries…): Self pity obviously gives them entitlement. They may use it to build trust and hijack sympathy from prospective prey and bystanders and they use it to ward off a sense of internal stigma over their criminality. It also gives them a kind of “dark cognitive empathy” which allows them to predict with almost uncanny accuracy what a victim will do next the better to preempt and stop the victim from escaping or reporting, etc. For instance, the best torturers are not cyborg sociopaths but harbor “dark empathy” the better to read their captives and more quickly be able to induce total ego collapse. One DV researcher argued how the “former victim persona” seemed to have an alacrity for material, films, books, etc., done from victims’ perspectives so some offenders actually build and develop that persona in a weaponized sense. It becomes so developed that some even make Oscar-wining films from that perspective.
In essence, what Polanski did was simultaneously express (very skillfully) and build a career with his “former victim persona” while also having long internalized a radioactive “Nazi fragment” from his obviously horrific experience as a Jewish street orphan under Nazi rule (who may have prostituted himself to sadists to survive). He’s basically a talented, dangerous poltergeist and non-survivor. Though Polanski should have spent the last fifty years in prison, I think the reason some of his films are still worth watching is because it’s as if one persona– the former victim self– is a pretty energetic “echo” or ghost and almost thoroughly sells out the other persona– the central, organizing evil self– and this leaves a valuable chronicle of victim experience and an important warning of how perpetrators entrap. The reason I think Woody Allan’s films are not worth watching is because Allan is neither as talented nor as fragmented and can’t help trying to promote and sell his predatory pedophilia instead of exposing it.
True, AAB. Healing, to the RIC, really means forgiving and trusting the FW again. It has nothing to do with helping the chump and is for the benefit of the cheater.
“Because almost always, only one person is ‘healing’ from being wounded by their partner, and the other is impatiently waiting out the inconvenience of having been caught”.
This is why chumps must get legal advice immediately following discovery. The healing can’t begin without it.
ICST, you couldn’t be more right.
I am so glad LACGAL emphasizes seeking legal advice. It was 2 months after DDay I had a consultation with ann attorney and then gave him retainer 2 months later when I realized I had nothing to work with. It was a hard realization after 36 years of marriage. It was scary but my adult children were quite supportive.
Writer, you sound like an amazingly strong woman who will recover from this abuse. Be angry! Use that anger to get free from the abuser and put a lot of space between you and your parents. My mom and dad also did appalling things to me and my siblings. I could write volumes of the vile ways narcissists abuse their children. Thank goodness you’re here, we get “it.” We have your back. I’d start today by firing that therapist. Find a trauma coach or counselor. Cut anyone out of your inner circle who does not unequivocally support you. You matter. You deserve a peaceful life free of liars, cheaters, and abuse or mistreatment of any kind.
If it is not acceptable to get angry after massive betrayal on all sides and manipulation by those who should have protected you, then just what CAN you get angry about? Your anger is righteous!
Wow, Tracy’s response to this VERY STRONG letter writer is brilliant. True, true, true.
If you are hung up on “why” he does what he does, consider reading the book “the sociopath next door”. This book is very readable and describes a personality disorder. They can be difficult to understand and accept. This book won’t help you create boundaries or manage this relationship but it’s a good start in understanding the mindset. (note: I have no affiliation with his book or its publisher).
I’m not sure what it takes to get a divorce from a person who’s in a different country but I hope you can do this without too much personal or financial expense. Also, once you are not legally tied to him anymore, I would consider taking any evidence you have of his predation on the university students and send it to the University where he works. Take care.
Dear Incredibly Strong Person:
Imagine you had a daughter. Would you willingly marry her off to a man just like your FW? Like your cheating dad? Or would you want her to have a shot at a wonderful happy life with a person who cherishes her?
Because you need to treat yourself like that daughter. You need to give yourself the chance that your parents wouldn’t. That abuse needs to stop with YOU.
You may need to not only divorce your husband, but distance yourself from your own family for a while, and that is TOUGH. But recognize that they were complicit in your abuse. Your own mom KNEW. What kind of loving mother allows her child to be abused?
Please also recognize that your FW (and dad) contribute to sex trafficking and the horrific number of young women enduring that cruel abuse all over the world. Your mom contributes, in her own way, to the same abuse.
There need to be consequences for cheaters. Leave his sorry ass, and go NC with your parents while they try to shame you into staying for THEIR “honor”. They clearly don’t care about yours. You can hold your head high as a woman who won’t tolerate that kind of shit in her life. And pass it along to your daughters, your nieces, your friends.
You can do this. I get that there may be some cultural challenges, and that, in some ways, it may be more difficult for you. But you can do this. Protect yourself. Your FW won’t, your parents won’t.
And come here every day for support. You are mighty.
Misogyny is still alive and well everywhere. When I discovered Fucknuts cheating (after lies upon lies and horrific gaslighting), his “Christian” family proceeded to push me to accept his cheating by telling me bullshit lines like, “This is what men do”, “Even King David committed adultery”, “Fucknuts will love you more now”.
FUCK. THAT. SHIT. Of course his father cheated too and his mother accepted it. Funny, how they never quote the Bible verses that oppose adultery…10 Commandments, anyone??? People like this can go fuck off and live in their cheater-filled chaotic world. I’m the one who left and has a world of peace.
Dear Incredibly Strong Person,
I wanted to add a note to tell a GYN about the extent of the cheating so that all things are thoroughly tested for. My family doctor doubled the number of pap smears to twice yearly for the foreseeable future to increase vigilance against potential HPV cancer after I told her about the cheating. Then she abruptly cut off FW’s Viagra script lol.
Speaking of channeling anger– my family doctor is a beast behind a demure, calm, perfectly powdered mask. She’s one of the classic archetypes I adore. There are so many– the ballsy-humorous-tell-it-like-it-is type (my two favorite college professors) or the demure-spine-of-steel type of the joyous-fluttery-street-fighter type (my mother. Look out). I’ve noticed many of my favorite “types” seem to come from eras or cultures with particularly technicolor forms of misogyny (not that every culture isn’t rife with it but some are more hypocritical about it and express it in confusing, not-quite-tangible fragments and some are flashier and more in your face). It’s like when women like this go feminist, they seem less confused and conflicted about it than women who’ve waded through the more “modern,” fragmented, more hypocritical forms because, to the former, the stakes aren’t blurry but crystal clear. They can’t be baited by the usual attacks on competent or strong women because they long ago figured out the game. People who know they’re in a war are better able to pick their battles and come out victorious than those who aren’t even sure that war was declared.
The latter seem to “integrate” their personalities sooner than most– understand their place in history, understand themselves and other people and, last but not least, own and make good use of anger. Every person I’ve ever known who pretended to be “angerless” (women often do this as a Pickme dance with other women, attempting to embody some saintly or Yogazilla male ideal and then viciously police other women with toxic positivity) always seem to end up exploding in misdirected ways and harming the innocent while people who integrate it are more surgical in exercising it and are ultimately safer people. It’s one or the other because there are things in this world that will make anyone with a soul angry.
Like someone I worked with always said, “Emotions are like colors in a paint box– neither good nor bad. All that matters is what picture you paint with them.” I think a rich vein of tempered and well-directed anger in a woman is like the dash of chili pepper in fine chocolate that takes it to the next level. You can bet that trait is usually forged from chaos, likely started out as a lava eruption at some point in their histories and probably led to them creating very safe personal lives that allow for a very integrated exterior because everything and everyone unsafe, ugly and toxic were burned off in the flames. I have a feeling this represents a potential future for you, Incredibly Strong Person, after the storm has passed and the trauma healed, when all the technicolor cultural and family issues have been sorted, filed, mastered and overcome and you’ve found you true social tribe.
Please get help in divorcing this man and seeking protection from your family. Your cheating father and enabling mother chose to marry you off to a serial rapist and would rather you live an oppressive lie than risk their version of “honor”. Please protect yourself. Here are resources in the UK:
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/forced-marriage-resource-pack/forced-marriage-resource-pack
Thanks for including this link!
Cultures can have wonderful aspects–amazing food and drink, holiday traditions, nurturing family practices, music, art, sports, common history. But a culture should not promote unquestioning obedience to parents who expose their children to abuse any more than an American subculture should have promoted slavery. When a culture or a country or a family commits wrongdoing, the right thing to do is get angry and reject the old way of doing things. That’s how we protect ourselves and others. Today’s LW is not a “sad loser’; she’s a role model for other young women from her culture who need to say “no” to parents who would enable her abuse.
I’m dumbstruck, utterly in awe. It’s a huge understatement to say that this woman is a freakin’ hero! It’s one thing to deal with being chumped as an American or otherwise fully westernized citizen of the 21st century, but to clear the cultural hurdles she’s had in her way, even to get to where she is now, this woman has had some incredible inner resources to tap. She’s obviously extremely intelligent, and I hope she’ll create a new family for herself as she leaves her marriage and, hopefully, the family that betrayed her. Unless it would compromise her safety in some way, I think Tracy needs to get this woman on the podcast to tell her story. Current and future chumps can learn a lot from her.
Dear Mighty
Use anger as a launch pad for your new life. Let it propel you far away from the family expectations and the horrid person you unfortunately married. 9 years ago I came to this site as a beaten down chump at 52. You have time on your side. Find the right therapy (I used EMDR) when you’re ready to get beyond anger and onto making your life into the dream you want.
Much love,
(former)Chumpfor21
Chiming in from the Desi diaspora here (I’ve got a Mom from the Caribbean; we’re mixed South Asian and Black). Both my white grandma (from Quebec) and the brown one (of Black + Indian / what is now Pakistani ancestry) got “strongly encouraged” — also known as treated like a burden and servant at home, and then pressured — to marry the much older men that were my grandfathers. It’s good to see the responses that show we at CN are aware that misogyny and trafficking daughters into domestic servitude happens across cultures.
What I’d hope for the LW are friends or a support system (hello, this is why we need representation in therapists) that can relate to the specific pressures of this person’s communities and identities, as well as the complication and realities of the racism one faces trying to date / be treated as marriageable in regions that enforce white supremacy. You got pressured to marry someone “back there” rather than from the diasporic Pakistani community in the UK? Like, I’m working right now with a young person of Pakistani heritage on their art and I can just imagine them chiming in to support LW with Gen Z 🙄 and love at having to navigate the extra lolz of those relatives / acquaintances who would suggest that refusing to be trapped in an arranged marriage with a predator is dishonouring one’s culture and tradition.
FWIW, my mother never pressured us, but she did (does) have huge blind spots around what’s abusive and around what women must naturally put up with and expect from men. She watches soaps from Muslim countries because, she says, it reminds her how it was with her family. Traditional expectations for the women; deference to men making decisions about money, etc. She loves me but has been little help in teaching discernment, self-protection, or how to look for reciprocity from men. I used to think that because my parents’ marriage is racially mixed, that we were progressive, and we are in many ways. Still, my mom’s and aunts’ stories show that the white men they married were not magic unracist dudes ahead of their time, but in fact were guys particularly willing to capitalize on brown women’s socialization to be submissive / innocent / groomable AND on their marginalization from the social support(s) afforded white women in Canada / U.S..
“All I want is acknowledgment and an apology from him and for him to recognise how hurt I am. The irony is we made a pact on our wedding night where I pleaded with him to not cheat on me.” Please don’t wait on his acknowledgement or apology. Even if you got the words, they would be meaningless. It’s hard to realize there are many people who would look you in the eye and promise to be true to you, while they have their fingers crossed behind their back. You are wanting decency and contrition from a man who pressures the women who find themselves in a van with him. No.
Let me be a diasporic Desi auntie from the internet cheering you on to get divorced, expect better for yourself in relationships, and validating that you must confront pressures on you to stay demure, submissive, controllable and supportive of men’s dominance. Keep coming to this site. Go find your own way, find ways to live your many identities (British, Pakistani, mighty femme … what else?) with a pride in your background that doesn’t require you to make yourself small. You will be literally “breaking generational curses”! Maybe you can find some inspiration in one of my fave Desi artists who is definitely pushing against expectations, Vivek Shraya, trans girl extraordinaire: https://vivekshraya.com/projects/
👩🏾💄❤️
Hope it was clear that the eye roll is what Gen Z friends would give your pathetic husband; it’s not an eye roll at the concept of Gen Z!
I am a college professor. I once had a student from Pakistan whose parents pressured her to marry a man of their choosing by threatening not to pay her tuition the following semester. She did not want to marry that man, or at all, and she came to me for help. I put out a call to faculty across the university, and was able to get enough pledges to pay her tuition the following semester–unbeknownst to her, her undergraduate advisor in her major pledged to pay whatever amount was necessary to make up any shortfall in the pledges. Once her parents couldn’t force her to do their will by cutting off her education, they relented. After her undergraduate degree, she went on to grad school and from there into a series of well-paying jobs (the last I heard she was working for the Council on Foreign Relations).
Letter writer, you are as strong and determined as my student was. You have every right to be angry. You should be angry! You need that anger; the trick is to use your anger, to channel it into determination and action. Others have given you great advice, so I won’t repeat it.
You did good, Adelante. That’s wonderful to hear.
Those cultural complications are SO HARD to separate yourself from, because it’s not just them, but also inside yourself. I hope you can find (or already have) an excellent therapist to help you untangle yourself from that. Moving on takes so much courage. You are so brave.
Additionally, I think that, “Environmentalists would seek me out because my anger would be a renewable energy source,” is a phrase I will be keeping in my back pocket for appropriate situations.
“He uses sex workers because he’s pickled in misogyny and entitlement. And it’s unquestioned. And this goes beyond a hooker habit (which is terrible enough) — he preys on vulnerable young women as a hired driver.”
100%. “Sex addict” my ass. He’s an abuse-o-sexual.
Sad, your FW is not the only one who has been manipulating you and emotionally abusing you. Your parents are even worse, by the sound of it. Don’t let them get away with using culture as an excuse. The harsh reality is that they pimped you out to a predator. Then they denied you the knowledge which could free you from his abuse.
If it was me, the cheater would not be the only one I would remove from my life. It’s awful facing that your parents suck, but it’s neccessary in order for you to heal. So is anger. Your anger is righteous. Use it to propel you away from the abusers in your life.
You do know you can reject those aspects of your culture which are harmful to you, right? Do it. Your parents can’t stop you from divorcing and you don’t have to do what they want you to. Emancipate yourself from their cruel, misogynistic expectations and traditions, Sad. Otherwise, the next guy they coerce you into marrying will probably be more of the same.
Don’t wait around for FW to apologize, either. Even if he did, it would mean nothing.
Btw, stop calling yourself a loser. You’re surrounded by losers, but you’re not one of them. Just look at how gutsy and strong you are. You’re resisting not just one abuser, but several, and you’re resisting cultural pressure as well. By leaving him you are winning, just like every other chump here.
Dear Incredibly Strong Person,
The reason there’s this palpable surge of support and love coming to you from us fellow chumps is that we sense a remarkable courage and clear-sightedness that have carried you this far toward finding a freer life. We are rooting for you.
My one suggestion, beyond those above, is that at some point you educate yourself about all the psychological “tricks” your family may play in the hope of keeping you entangled and obedient. These coercive family systems are incredibly sticky, and knowing how they work is like a magical talisman. The best person I’ve found for shedding light on coercive families is Dr. Ramani, a really gifted psychologist. She specializes in “narcissism,” but I’ve found that her insights and advice apply to all kinds of toxic systems and individuals. I watched many, many of her videos as I went through the difficult process of stepping away from my own family’s unspoken rules.
Here, for example, is a video–relevant to your letter–in which she give advice about how to “stay sane” when your family, imprinted by traditional cultural norms that support male entitlement, “doesn’t support the vulnerable”: https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=doctor+ramani+cultural+narcisism&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:5fd7b1f6,vid:WvxpuuBH-Kk
Truly wishing you the best. Keep coming here, we will be cheering you on.
Dr Ramani is a great resource in general for healing from these kinds of abusive relationships.
I was stuck in the CSAT RIC mind fuck blender. Then I started replacing the term “sex addict” with PERVERT in my head during their skein-untangling/shared blame counseling sessions. Shortly after I filed. 100% no contact for 6 years now.
There are a lot of cultural issues at here, but clearly your gut is telling you to do the right thing, despite your family trying to convince you of the opposite. Yes, divorce him from the UK (no parental permission required) and yes, figure out what you want in life outside of your family pressures (because they won’t change so you need to), and yes, you were wronged, but, no, don’t wait around for an apology. Just get away from this sicko. And, if possible without bringing harm upon yourself, report him to his employer for preying on the young women he’s paid to safety transport. This guy’s gross, and is a sexual predator (at best), who’s behavior will likely escalate to extreme sexual violence. He needs to be stopped. So sorry you had to get wrapped up with him.
You are young & seeking advice from this site. Trust your instincts & leave what does not serve you (actual losers) behind.
Another note for Incredibly Strong Person,
Being in the UK, you can seek out resources and support for survivors of coercive control which, by the way, is criminalized in the UK.
Site explaining coercive control laws: https://www.theacecc.com/post/not-all-bills-are-created-equal-a-review-of-coercive-control-legislation
Support resources/groups for coercive control survivors: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/
Article arguing that infidelity is an aspect of coercive control (not to mention all the patently abusive, coercive and controlling behaviors that cheaters use to facilitate cheating): https://www.joplinlawyers.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2023/04/FINAL-COPY-Infidelity-as-a-Consideration-in-Domestic-Abuse-and-Coercive-Control.pdf
I hope you get divorced. This sounds terrible and also hurtful to know that mom was not on your side. Maybe she is now? Many of us here are moms and we are in your side. You did not deserve any of this. My heart goes out to you.
I was married to a man who used indiscriminate sex to deal with and cope with the death of loved ones, fear, anxiety and just about every mood. Although we talk about all the OW and the diseases these cheaters bring home, we also must speak of the horrors of the marital bed and how it turns it into a sick playground to force his/her entitlement and demands on their spouses. It is not a pretty picture to be tortured with their special requests and demands and it turns the words appliance into a much lower level. You are like a remote control or a vending machine. It is more than devaluing, it is degrading and demeaning and I was only of use as a vacuum cleaner. I cannot describe what my husband deemed as ” normal man’s needs” and gas lighted me into a contest of many professional woman vs me. It’s not even compared to a pick me dance, it’s an “abuse me dance of this behavior is acceptable or no marriage at all. I had to get on a life boat during the biggest storm and escape. Just know my dear writer, that these people DO NOT LOVE YOU, DO BOT VALUE YOU AND DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU..As Tracy says so often ” I WAS OF USE, UNTIL I COULD NO LONGER TAKE IT. You lose absolutely nothing with these people who cope by sexual abuse. Run for the hills and file. There is zero hope for a cure and even if there was a flicker of hope, you cannot be part of the cure because you are in the category of an appliance. Let someone else have the honors of 12 stepping these people to the door. Save yourself.
To A Strong Winner: You managed to get the F away from your sociopath “husband”. Now get the F away from your (in my opinion) sociopathic parents. Can you come to the U.S…that’s pretty far away.
Like CL said, you need to get even ANGRIER, and No Contact this FREAK, and not listen to your abusive parents. Use them for shelter if you must…but make a plan to get far away from them. I hope that you keep in touch with us here… And I am very relieved that you were able to safely escape from Pakistan and that sociopath. That sounds extremely dangerous. I would strongly advise you to never ever go set foot in Pakistan again, and never see him in your country either. Especially alone. Block block blockity block.
PS: Thank gawd you didn’t get pregnant. You can have a fresh start and never ever have to interact with this sociopath again. Do not let you parents have a say or even know about your future dating life and husband choosing. Unless you want to be abused and oppressed for the rest of your life.
Having misogyny modeled to you your entire life is bad enough, but then gaslighting and lying to you, and telling you to get back with that disgusting freak is deep sickness. You need to NO CONTACT your parents, too.
Is this guy actually driving students, or is he a pimp or otherwise involved in some type of criminal activity?
Dear Rightfully Angry, I’m so glad you asked for help, and so glad ChumpLady is expressing the firey fury that you are unquestionably entitled to feel.
You are young, incredibly brave and smart, you still have your whole life ahead of you. But if you are to enjoy it, it can only be on your own terms. In the end, you already know that you do not share the same values as the community you belong to at present – so you cannot keep on bridging that chasm without failing to live truly on your own terms.
I didn’t understand that when I was young, and it has cost me decades, repeated messy relationships with FW’s, I lost the chance to have children and a family. I’m now older than I can even believe, stony broke, living alone in the middle of nowhere.
I was also betrayed by my family and taken when very young to live with a man who forced me into marriage and was extremely violent, but which was denied and given the silent treatment by my family. I had to escape for my life and was given police protection but in my family I was made out to be the failure (“Christians” btw). Now it makes me very angry just thinking about it, and decades of experience later, I can assure you that hanging on to unhealthy, dysfunctional people is just never going to change how disappointed and angry they will consistently make you feel. If there’s one thing which will make a difference to your life, it’s breathing clean air which is untainted by silent but implicit “rules” which suck the life blood out of you.
It’s early days yet, so give yourself time, as other members of CN have also suggested. You’re going to go through a lot of changing, intense emotions. I’d like to share my experience with anger: I really hate feeling angry, I like feeling peaceful and calm, but my life was turned into a huge mess because of not wanting to feel and act upon rightful anger, not daring to believe I had the right to be angry. I was taught I had to forfeit my rights in order to “belong”. But the price of “belonging’ in such toxic, dysfunctional systems was that I lost far more than I gained. I can see that now, so I hope you might benefit from this hindsight.
Please do not try to get any kind of closure from this trash bag. He is not capable of real feelings. There is no conscience. Legally get away and find a good therapist who puts the blame squarely on him where it belongs.
I’m praying you don’t have a child with this monster.
In addition to all our CL has advised ~ and I am sure LW already knows this~ BUT BE HYPER AWARE AND CAUTIOUS cause these type of “cultural” issues can get women killed… whether by this man or his / her family members on that HONOR nonsense. I would seek help, shelter and secrecy. As we all know, when the gig is up, and the shit hits the fan, the truly disordered lose their controlled facade and will hurt people. Stay safe. x
Why in the world are we expected NOT to be angry?? It’s called justified anger – and there’s no reason to not be angry after going through abuse. It’s mind boggling tbh. As always, Tracy is spot on. All this bs about forgiving the abuser, let go of the anger because you’re only poisoning yourself, blah blah blah. Honestly I don’t think that anger ever goes away (it will decrease for sure, but go away? Nope.). For it to go away completely we would have to come to accept the abuse as being ok. There is no world where this level of abuse is ok. Unfortunately it is a part of us and something we went through, it can’t be white-washed away. It CHANGES us, so I don’t think it should be washed away either. We grow so much and become better, stronger people from the abuse. It’s awful that we had to go through it, but it made us who we are. I look forward to the time when we are no longer told to “forgive and get past it”, rather we are allowed to be angry, grieve, scream, and behave any way that WE need to as we go through recovery.